#...but who knows what happened to her after Kiesha got into this place.

[kieshartzishere]

This was not part of the plan for my character but it is welcomed

Based on what Mary is rambling about and the stray fragment of rememberence from newscaster's refinements of the story so far.

Kiesha gets an aunt and maybe an uncle, not sure.

[mcnamaste]

Task 001: Character Playlist.

Another case of Affluenza - a Dylan McNamara playlist

Snippets of Lyrics below:

Side A + Dylan’s vibe 

1. all in my head (flex) - Fifth Harmony feat. Fetty Wap

Flex, time to impress Come and climb in my bed Don't be shy, do your thing It's all in my head

fun fact - the original song that they sampled this chorus from actually goes like this: 

Girl flex, time to have sex Long time yuh have di rude bwoy yah a sweat Girl, flex time to have sex Look how long yuh have di rude bwoy a sweat

thanks for coming to my ted talk

2. ain’t my fault - zara larsson 

It ain't my fault you keep turnin' me on It ain't my fault you got, got me so gone It ain't my fault I'm not leavin' alone It ain't my fault you keep turnin' me on I can't talk right now I'm lookin' and I like what I'm seein' Got me feelin' kinda shocked right now Couldn't stop right now Even if I wanted, gotta get it, get it, get it, when it's hot right now Oh my god, what is this? Want you all in my business Baby, I insist Please don't blame me for whatever happens next

3. sugar - Maroon 5

I'm hurting baby, I'm broken down I need your loving, loving I need it now When I'm without you, I'm something weak You got me begging, begging I'm on my knees

4. stupid love - Lady Gaga

You're the one that I've been waiting for Gotta quit this cryin', nobody's gonna Heal me if I don't open the door Kinda hard to believe, gotta have faith in me

 5. desperado - Rihanna 

If you want, we can be runaways Running from any sight of love Yeah, yeah, there ain’t nothin' There ain't nothin' here for me There ain't nothin' here for me anymore But I don't wanna be alone

6. pray for me - The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar

I'm always ready for a war again Go down that road again It's all the same I'm always ready to take a life again You know I'll ride again It's all the same (Ooh, ooh, ooh) Tell me who's gon' save me from myself When this life is all I know Tell me who's gon' save me from this hell Without you, I'm all alone

Who gon' pray for me? Take my pain for me? Save my soul for me? 'Cause I'm alone, you see If I'm gon' die for you If I'm gon' kill for you Then I spilled this blood for you, hey

7. 24k magic - Bruno Mars Pop pop, it's show time (Show time) Show time (Show time) Guess who's back again? Oh they don't know? (Go on tell 'em) Oh they don't know? (Go on tell 'em) I bet they know soon as we walk in (Showin' up) Wearing Cuban links (ya) Designer minks (ya) Inglewood's finest shoes (Whoop, whoop) Don't look too hard Might hurt ya'self Known to give the color red the blues

Ooh shit, I'm a dangerous man with some money in my pocket (Keep up) So many pretty girls around me and they waking up the rocket (Keep up) Why you mad? Fix ya face Ain't my fault y'all be jocking (Keep up)

8. bed - J. Holiday 

Wanna put my fingers through your hair Wrap me up in your legs And love you till your eyes roll back I'm tryna put you to bed, bed, bed I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed Then I'mma rock ya body Turn you over Love is war, I'm your soldier Touchin' you like it's our first time I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed

9. don’t judge me - Janelle Monáe

Even though you tell me you love me I'm afraid that you just love my disguise Taste my fears and light your candle to my raging fire Of broken desire

But don't judge me I know I got issues, but they drown when I kiss you Don't judge me Baptize me with ocean, recognize my devotion

10. the greatest - Sia 

I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest The greatest, the greatest alive

11. love in this club - Usher feat. Young Jeezy 

You say you're searching for somebody that'll take you out and do you right Well, come here, baby and let daddy show you what it feel like You know all you got to do is tell me what you sipping on And I promise that I'm gonna keep it coming all night long

12. u don't have to call - Usher

Aw, girl, your face is saying, "Why?" Tears in eyes Should've been more smart about it Should've cherished me, listening to friends Now it's the end And again, no story can end without it

Side B + Annalise Young (Infidelity & Divorce)

1. forgive me - Chloe x Halle

Baby, what you think this is? Why you wanna plead the fifth? You ain't gotta tell me what it is 'Cause I saw the messages You must got me fucked up You must got me fucked up I think I had enough

So forgive me, forgive me I been goin' too hard in your city So forgive me 'cause I'm not teary Best believe I'll move onto better things

2. makes me wonder - Maroon 5

Wake up, blood-shot eye Struggle to memorize The way it felt between your thighs Pleasure that made you cry It feels so good to be bad Not worth the aftermath, after that, after that Try to get you back

I still don't have a reason And you don't have the time And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you

3. maps - Maroon 5 

I miss the taste of a sweeter life I miss the conversation I'm searching for a song tonight I'm changing all of the stations I like to think that we had it all We drew a map to a better place But on that road I took a fall Oh, baby, why did you run away?

I was there for you In your darkest times I was there for you In your darkest night

But I wonder, where were you? When I was at my worst Down on my knees And you said you had my back So I wonder, where were you?

4. mend this love - Vaults

Take me from the edge Steal a step and lead me back from harm Hold it in your hand Crush it into crumbs like nothing's wrong

And tell me "right what you wanna know? Take what you wanna hide It's too late to mend this love" And tell me "go where you wanna go Break what you never had It's too late to mend this love"

5. wicked game - Chris Isaak 

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you It's strange what desire will make foolish people do I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)

6. love’s divine - Seal

Then the rainstorm came over me And I felt my spirit break I had lost all of my belief, you see And realized my mistake But time threw a prayer to me And all around me became stil

7. beautiful mistakes - Maroon 5 & Megan Thee Stallion

It's beautiful, it's bittersweet You're like a broken home to me I take a shot of memories And black out like an empty street I fill my days with the way you walk And fill my nights with broken dreams I make up lies inside my head Like one day you'll come back to me

8. i’m not the only one - Sam Smith feat. A$AP Rocky

You and me, we made a vow For better or for worse I can't believe you let me down But the proof's in the way it hurts For months on end I've had my doubts Denying every tear I wish this would be over now But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy 'Cause you don't think I know what you've done But when you call me baby I know I'm not the only one

9. perfect illusion - Lady Gaga

I don't need eyes to see I felt you touchin' me High like amphetamine Maybe you're just a dream That's what it means to crush Now that I'm wakin' up I still feel the blow But at least now I know

It wasn't love, it wasn't love It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion) Mistaken for love, it wasn't love It was a perfect illusion (Perfect illusion)

10. don’t walk away - John Legend feat. Koffee

We can't go out like this It's just the two of us We should be making up We could be making love Didn't  used to talk like this Now you say you're giving up Took too much to build this house I don't wanna sit and watch it burn down I ain't leaving, I ain't leaving, I ain't leaving, I ain't giving you space I will not be replaced I don't wanna save face Don't leave me open, leave me open, leave me open, leave me open like that Whatever love we had We need to get it back

11. if I could have you back - Aly & AJ 

On the subject of you being gone forever I still can't believe it, I can't see it I should just stop counting days On the subject of the future Wouldn't it be nice to leave it open ended And pretend it could go either way

If I could have you back again I'd think about it once or twice, I guess If I could have you back I'd reconsider, maybe I'd say yes On the other hand, it would be better to have a life Without the constant indecision over If I could have you back If I could have you back

12. fairplay - Kiana Ledé

I think it's kind of funny You could say you love me Turn around and play me, yeah I think it's kind of funny You say things you don't mean Underestimate me, yeah

I have always done right by you Said you're never going to lie, liar Shit gon' come around full cycle I flip the script on you

Tell me why you mad Tell me why you're hurt Bet you didn't think that the tables would turn You gon' fuck around I'ma do the same How you like that karma? How you like that karma? Yeah, that's just fair play

Bonus: 

busted - The Isley Brothers feat. JS 

Busted, It's 2 o' damn clock in the morning, where you been? (Baby didn't you get my 2-way I was with my girlfriend) You are lyin', I called Kiesha and Tanya And they were both at home (But I didn't say them though) Well they're the only friends I know Girl you better (Wait before you get all upset here's the truth) Talk to me (I was with my girl when she got some bad news) And...? (Her man cheated, had her upset and confused) But baby what's that got to do With you coming in at 2? (I'm telling you, now she was so upset She asked me to stay with her) Well why didn't your ass just pick up the phone and call me? (I was gonna do that but it slipped my mind I'm sorry) (But I'm telling you the truth) Yeah, well I got something for you... Tell me what's her name? (Sharon) Where does she live? (Uuummm...) Her man's name? (Billy) She got kids? (I think one or two) She got kids? (Baby yes, no) That's one thing I got to know How the hell is she your friend If you don't know if she got kids?

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 211

Cammie

"Really?" I giggle.

"Girl, yes."

I chuckle. I was talking to Kiesha Cole about her kid's grandmother. "What? Me and Trey's mother went out last night. Just the two of us. That's not normal is it?"

"Hell no."

"Well, I don't have a bad attitude like you." I laugh.

"Oh, bullshit." She snaps. "Don't get me started on you helfa. I swear."

I pick Caden up then lay him on the scale that the lady had tapped. Me and Caden are at the doctor's office. April and Lane are at the house. Trey is wherever he is being a jackass for some odd reason.

"Let me get off the phone. This boy lost weight."

"Oh no. Okay. Call me back and let me know what's going on."

I sigh then pick him up. "Like... can you zero it again."

The nurse does. "Has he had more wet diapers? Diarrhea? Maybe increased vomiting?"

"No." I say blankly.

"Well we will figure it out. What about changes in diet? Are you still breastfeeding?"

I sigh taking him off the scale. He had lost 8 lbs. What the hell?

"He was at his grandma's for a few days. I breastfeed him when he is home."

"He might not be taking in as much with the bottle." She suggests. "Let's have the nutritionist come down and ask some questions."

I try not to cry. "I'm starving my baby."

"No. He isn't starving. He hasn't been crying more has he?"

"No."

She nods. "Don't worry. If he not in any discomfort then he will be fine. We see this all the time with mothers going from bottles to breast."

I don't say nothing to her. She leaves not for a few minutes. I dress Caden back up and hold him up in front of me. He doesn't look like he lost any weight. I don't need the stress in my life of him not doing good. I really don't. There's a tap on the door.

"Nutrition. Good morning."

"I guess. Why is my baby losing weight?"

She smiles hard. "Because he is a baby. No I'm just kidding. Don't worry. Let's talk about solids. Have you added them to his diet?"

"Rice but it makes him gassy."

"Try to introduce something else. Maybe cereal with less milk. Something through a spoon. If he hasn't had any changes in his diet then he needs more nourishment. You getting to the stage where breastmilk just isn't enough."

I wipe my eyes. "Okay. He has been away from e more in the last few days. Not breastfeeding, just bottles."

"Formula?"

"Breastmilk."

She writes some stuff down on her paper. "That could be another thing. Let's do this, stop crying. 8 lbs is nothing. He came along way and 8 lbs will do nothing to him. Let's stay away from the bottles for at least a week. He could be hungry but getting exhausted from how different the milk flows. If he gains weight we will know that's the problem. But if he has more weight loss we will know he needs more solid foods. He is 3 months if you start at his expected birth date. So we can't advance him too fast. So we can't expect him to be an expert at both breastfeeding and bottle feeding."

I inhale holding it then exhale. "Okay, breastfeed for a week exclusively then come back for a weigh in?"

"Correct. Depending on his weight we will either get him some new bottles or add solids."

"I have a very busy week. What if... nevermind. I'll just cancel anything that forces me to be away from home for more than 3 hours. Okay."

"And Mommy. Make sure you are drinking enough fluids with your increase in activity. Also make sure you are eating enough."

I make my eyes big. "Wait that could effect my milk? Like the calories?"

She smiles. "No. But you don't want to become unhealthy. Yes, it's about baby but remember Mommy."

"Okay." I say fixing Caden's clothes. "I need to get Lane in here for an appointment. See if he losing weight."

"He is walking and talking. Let's focus on Caden."

I put Caden in his seat. "I feel like I'm always focused on Caden. Caden?"

He watches me like bitch get me back out of here. I sigh then turn to the doctor. She was writing some more stuff down. I wonder what she is fucking writing. I roll my eyes and take out my phone. I feel like being grimy and not even letting Trey know nothing. He is being a real jackass. Like he literally told me not to call him. Like when has me calling you ever been a fucking issue? I have always called this man when I fucking wanted. I'll talk to April and let her tell him. Or maybe Forrest. It might piss him off more to hear Forrest ranting about Caden being sick... well losing weight.

 Trey

Forrest sucks his teeth. "Aye, you already know what the deal is with that. Fuck yeah. Love you too, sis. Yeah."

"What?" I snap.

"Damn, I can't fucking come in here?"

I put my phone down. "No."

He shrugs. "Well any fucking way. I'm leaving. You being a fucking dick."

"Sounds like you gonna fucking cry."

"Naw. But anyway. You know your fucking kid had a doctor's appointment today? Don't worry about calling Cammie cause she said she rather not deal with your shit. But Caden lost 8lbs. At his age he supposed to be growing she say. So she has to exclusively breastfeed for a few days. I just want you to know that you being a fucking bad ass husband and father right now. You not even doing shit in Miami. You just here to be away from there. But anyway."

I sit up. "Bitch, you don't know what the fuck I have to do."

"You just sitting here."

"I fucking got here early bitch."

He shrugs. "Yeah, and that bitch that just so happened stood you up just so happened to contact you cause you here early? Okay though. I won't tell cause your wife not stupid. But I'm leaving cause if I see you with another bitch my lips might just run themselves."

"Bye then bitch. I don't give a fuck."

"Aight." He says shutting the door.

I shake my head. Fuck every fucking body. I call the doctor that was seeing Caden when he was in Atlanta.

"Mr. Neverson, I received Caden's update just a few minutes ago."

"I was calling to see if you could explain it to me. I mean how bad is losing 8 lbs?"

He takes a deep breath. "Honestly at this stage of brain development it can be critical. But the brain does have its defenses. It will slow the growth of his body in proportion to the brain. Right now he only lost undetectable body fat. His face is still round and his belly is still fat. We will know more after exclusively breastfeeding. He might have missed his mother and ate less. You never know. Just keep an eye on changes in diaper patterns. Things such as using more or less."

"Alright. Sounds good. Just wanted to know what you think."

"Keep Cammie focused. I warned the doctor there about how she worries. Just reassure her that everything is okay. Babies go through these things."

I nod. "Alright. Well do."

He hangs up the phone. I feel like shit. I'm not going to reassure shit. I'm not feeling no fucking remorse about the shit I've been doing. I simply feel like shit and nothing makes it better. I drop the phone on the bed. I had some damn Xanax pills. I grab my bag and pour some in my hand. I sit there staring at them. Get lost to the world or deal with my problems? I shake a few back into the container. Not that far away from the world. I throw them in my mouth and swallow them dry.

April

"Ma." Forrest blows when I answer the phone. "Trey being a damn fool. What are we going to do?"

I chuckle. "Nothing. I got my grandbabies."

"Caden with you too?"

"Yes."

He sucks his teeth. "He gonna fucking destroy everything. We not gonna sit around and let that happen."

I flip Caden over on his belly. "Baby, some times you have to let people fall on their ass."

"Ma." He snaps. "Damn, what's wrong with everyone? He could lose his kids."

"No he will not. If anything he will lose his wife."

Forrest blows frustrated. "You gonna let that happen?! What is really going on?"

"I went to Trey when he was in LA acting like he had left the state. I simply told him that he fucking up. He does not care right now. He wants to self destruct. Let him."

"I can't believe this shit." He says hanging up on me.

I pinch Caden's little thigh. He finds that so funny that he couldnt hold his own head up anymore. Lane brings himself over to the bed. He was acting like an asshole two minutes ago. He is so emotional and bad. He stares at Caden to see what's funny. I pinch Caden's thigh again making him laugh. Lane reaches for Caden then pulls his hand back. He stares at his hand then starts licking it.

"Lane, gotdamn it. What the fuck is that?" I ask grabbing his hand.

"Chocolate."

I smell it. I was relieved that it was actually chocolate. "Where did you get chocolate? Were you in your mama's room?"

"No."

"Are you lying to me?"

He licks his hand. "No, ma'am."

I grab a wipe then his hand. "Let me clean it up before you have it all over the house."

"No!" He yells pulling his hand away from me and stomping his feet. "Stop! Ouch!"

I let him go. This boy is bad. He hits the floor smearing chocolate on the carpet. He looks at his hand then he starts screaming. So much for not getting that chocolate all over the place. He brings me his hand crying really loud. I don't know if he crying cause he hurt or if he think he in trouble.

"It nasty!" He cries shoving his hand at me.

"Boy." I snap grabbing it and wiping it off. "You are enough by yourself."

He frowns at me. I clean his hand then turn Caden over. He had started to cry. He has been doing that lately whenever Lane cries. They are both too much. I give Caden his pacifier. Cammie went to the studio for an hour to teach her assistant something about the routine she was teaching a group. Well now the assistant is teaching the group.

"I sleepy." Lane says grabbing Caden's pacifier. "Caden? Caden?"

"Caden can't talk."

"Why?" Lane says stuffing the pacifier in his mouth roughly.

I sigh. Caden didn't mind. "He doesn't know how."

Lane pokes Caden's stomach making him smile and drop the pacifier. Lane does it again. Thank God he wasn't being too rough with his poking. Lane frowns his face at Caden. He touches his cheek.

"Caden hurt."

"No he is okay. Just a scratch."

Lane pushes Caden's face to the side to get a better look. "Who did it?"

I chuckle. "Caden did it. His nails at too long."

"I do it."

"Lane let's not cut his nails."

He was determined. He walks out of the room then he comes back. This smart ass little boy brings back the kit Cammie had. It had nail clippers and other stuff for Caden. Lane taps it showing me the clippers. I take them out. He makes his eyes big then grabs Caden hand. He understood what was happening. I start cutting Caden nails.

"Careful." Lane attempts to say.

"Okay." I smile.

True definition of brother's keeper. I instantly think about Forrest. He is worried about his brother like his brother worries about him. Of course I don't want to see Trey lose his family. But I tried. He is at that point where my opinion doesn't matter. Forrest's opinion means nothing. I watch Lane's little eyes carefully making sure I dont hurt his brother. They have it from birth. It can't be faked. It's just them. I wait until I'm finished then call Cammie.

"Hey, Ma. Everything okay?" Cammie says out of breath.

"With the boys everything is okay. I'm just worried about Trey. He has been acting stupid distant."

She sighs. "Yeah. I think so too. I just don't have time for that."

"Well Cammie who else is going to have time for it if you don't?"

"True." She sighs. "There's nothing I can do from LA and he won't come home. You know he hasn't called about Caden?"

"I'm sure he called someone asking questions."

She sucks her teeth. "Well who fucking else should know better than his wife? Ma, I'll be home shortly."

"He might need that extra push."

"I'll think about it. It's always about him. I want to be selfish too."

I pick Lane up on the bed. "Yes, baby, I know. But your marriage. These boys. The promise you both made them."

She sucks her teeth. "Bye, Ma. I'll think about that later."

"Okay, Baby. We'll be here napping."

"Okay."

I feel confident in that conversation. If anybody can get him out of his shit, its Cammie. If she fucking wants to. I just didn't want to help his dumbass. He probably somewhere cheating on her. Fucking dumbass. But anyway. I tried.