#....n rb tht sc so i can work on it later bskjght

[fatedreamt-blog]

grian’s identity crisis has been a staple of his life since his youth, but it was amplified and encouraged when the events of his canon happened. as someone who received little to no emotional validation or actual love from his parents, and as someone who was the product of a loveless marriage, he often switched a lot between roles and behaviors in his childhood. he tried acting out for attention, being quiet, being rude, etc. this led to him not really having an identity, being disconnected from his family and peers, his culture, etc. this wasn’t exactly a big deal to him, and it’s something he didn’t have to deal with or even pay attention to until it got more severe.

he visited sam and taurtis and was threatened to take on the identity of taurtis after he was stabbed by sam. more on that later when i work on grian’s timeline, but basically, in order to cope with the fact that he stabbed his best friend, sam threatened to kill grian if he didn’t dress up as and accept the identity of taurtis. he’s had to adopt this role and identity - and many others - for so long, that it worsened his identity issues. he’s so split between these roles because he’s had to live them for so long, that it’s hard for him to realize which behavior is because of an identity he was forced to take, or if it’s actually him. another albeit minor reason is the fact that he was forced to make radical changes in beliefs and morals in order to survive. 

grian feels as if he doesn’t have an identity or personality. he feels lost, and gets uncomfortable and awkward when people ask him about himself because he doesn’t know what to say. while he feels as if it’d probably be easier to know himself, there’s also the fear of knowing and not liking who he actually is. grian, even if he isn’t, constantly feels like he’s putting up a front or a persona. it’s hard for him to develop close relationships, partly from trauma and the other part because he doesn’t want the other person to be disappointed when he realizes it’s not actually him. he could be completely honest and truthful and like himself, but because he doesn’t know what kind of person he is, he won’t feel like he’s being genuine. 

these identity issues are why he’s so dependent and attached on the necronomicon, besides the fact that it has that influence on people ( which i’ll... make a meta about the necronomicon eventually. it honestly has 0 connection to hp lovecraft’s works other than the name and maybe the appearance. but more on that in another meta ). the necronomicon helps him have some sort of identity, and part of it may be because of its manipulation, but grian does feel comforted by the book.

it’s hard for him to really develop an identity because he doesn’t exactly have the opportunities to. having connections with people helps him, but it’s hard for him to have an identity that doesn’t rely on other people or his relationships.