#....i need sleep. sorry everybody i've been up since 2am

[bumbledees]

i am at all times ready to chase my tail in circles about the jedi and the clones. both forced into it. both believing they could protect the republic, both believing there was something there to SAVE. and obviously there are power dynamics and differentials!! but like. imagine fighting day by day and side by side and trusting your troops/commanders/generals with your lives! mourning every soul lost because you KNEW them! they were your brother or your trooper or your friend and they had a name and they mattered!!! caring! wondering if you were doing more or less harm by staying or going!! who would watch your brother’s backs if you left???? who would make sure your men weren’t needlessly sacrificed????? who would protect your brothers/your troops if you somehow all made it out of the war alive?? everything sucks and it’s awful! there’s blood on your hands! what’s bravery?? what’s cowardice?? what should you have done?? you are desperately chasing battle after battle trying to prevent yet more mass casualties! are you making any difference?? you are a rank-and-file jedi you are an infantry clone you are on a rapidly spinning treadmill of atrocity and death and you don’t know how to get off of it.

[0thsense]

8/8/2023

It's my birthday tomorrow. Everybody has left the south bay now. Martin, Reggie, Alex are all gone. I guess Steve is still here but he doesn't really hang out with us, or rather me anymore. I don't really know what to type here, as I haven't been thinking too intensely about too many things. The times when I'm doing worse are the times I'm more intensely in thought, so I guess I fail at thinking positively.

Anyways, I'll be 28 American years old tomorrow. My 27th year was better than my 26th year I guess. Definitely still in my bottom 5 years overall but hey its the first upward year in a long time. Maybe since college. I've managed to keep up gym and I've even started running which is slightly surprising. It's good because who knows what may have happened if I wasn't able to keep up gym. I'm planning to run my first 5 miler tomorrow. I have to wake up in the morning because I'll be eating with my family in the evening up in SF, mostly out of a feeling of obligation. I wonder if they know. I'm letting the fact that I'm not being lazy on my birthday feel symbolic.

One thing I've been telling myself is that I'm god's strongest soldier. Obviously that's not actually true, but motivationally it helps. It's one of those things that there's no harm in believing in the moment, and it brings me joy. Speaking of another thing that brings me joy, Lily and I agreed to go climbing sometime soon. She's willing to come down from SF for me, and seems genuinely interested in hanging out with me. I need to keep my mindset that I'm just trying to be there for her, though it seems I overestimated how depressed she was. Well, better safe than sorry.

I visited Yan a couple weeks ago along with Gerald. It was a spur of the moment thing, and the flight was expensive as a result. I honestly felt a little pressured into going. We did a lot of activities involving physical exertion and also hung out with his church buddies a lot. Yan is super into the culture there it seems. His lifestyle as a chad in NC honestly bothered me a little bit. He has more pride and ego than I remember and also some strong ideals about what it means to be a man, which I don't really agree with. I may be making judgments too hastily but I was disappointed at his treatment of Jeremy, a dude in his small group who seemed a little autistic. I wasn't able to express this to him. At the same time I'm glad he's obviously doing well for himself out there. According to society, I probably have no authority to judge someone who's found a lifestyle that works for them.

My next step should almost certainly be to make my sleep schedule really consistent. I'd like to sleep at 1-2am every day. The deadline for working on the game is fast approaching. I have less than 4 months left, and I've told too many people about the new york deadline. Sigh... I certainly have some mental block about coding. When I open the IDE my mood instantly sinks. I had the strange idea of treating coding like working out, doing reps of opening the IDE lmao.

Wow I thought this post would be short because I didn't feel like I had much to write about but here we are. I went to Ralph's wedding last weekend. It made me realize I've made a mistake, choosing the jolly group over Ralph's group. I just respect Ralph's close circle so much more these days than the people in jolly. They are more considerate and more secure, and jolly isn't even dank anymore. At the end of the day jolly has now devolved into a bunch of individuals who are either troubled or successful but unkind people. Obviously this is a bit of a generalization. Maybe I wasn't good enough to join Ralph's group anyways, or maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I might as well try though, since jolly in the south bay is pretty much dead.

Finally there's the issue of getting more involved with Austin's church. Unfortunately my experiences visiting Yan have turned me off even more from Christianity, but I really haven't given Austin's church a fair chance. The demographics are obviously very different so maybe it'll be a better fit, though so far my instinct tells me it's only a small chance. It'll give me something to do I guess.

[heartysworld]

The oath he gave || Aemond Targaryen x Reader

A/N: another request has been delivered bright and shiny! I'm sorry if there are mistakes,I shall fix them tomorrow. It is currently 2am here, I've been up since 5.30 am this morning and I really need my sleep! I hope you guys like this one and if you have any requests feel free to send them! Love ya <3

MASTERLIST

The Stark brides were known to be fruitful women, ever since the beginning of their lineage the women from the noble house of the North were known for their fertile wombs and high number of children they birthed. That, however, was not the case when it came to you, the younger sister of Cregan Stark, Lord of Winter. You have been married to the King's first son, Prince Aegon, for now half a decade, bit still there was no trace of an heir from you. At first, you though it was just the stress from switching environments,after all, a wolf can hardly adjust to the bright sun and warm air of King's Landing. Now, years later, you were well aware it was not the environment that prevented you from baring heirs. It was something else. Even the Queen herself was becoming worried and irritated. She made this match hoping that this Stark womb of yours would bring her son many children, Gods was she wrong.

Many visits to the Maester's tower, different types of tonics and treatments were also unsuccessful. Nothing seemed to work in your favor. Your husband wasn't in much of a hurry to become a father, thought. Everybody knew that by know. All Aegon wanted in life was his wine and whores, to be taken care of by servants and fed grapes by the woman he beds.

Day and night you prayed to the Gods to grant you one wish,just one, what you desired with your entire being. A small babe, a boy or a girl, it didn't matter, just for it to be healthy and happy.

All went in the opposite direction when the second son of the realm found himself tired of his brother's attitude towards his Lady wife,his future Queen. Ever since your betrothal was announced, Aemond have had his eye on you. There was something about those dark locks of yours that so beautifully framed your face and the pale skin that covered it. In his eyes you were otherworldly, the complete opposite to a woman from his kin.

Your adventures with the younger Prince began after he found himself in your chambers on night after one of the many feasts his cunt of a brother had thrown for Gods know what reason. You left the feast hall with tears in your eyes after your eyes caught your husband openly smothering a servant in his lap,his hands roaming around her body, diving underneath her skirts while his lips traced the skin of her neck and jawline.

You never expected the younger Prince to follow right after you, but he did, and he wasn't planning on leaving you alone.

The words he whispered in your ear that night remained forever embedded in your memory. You even found yourself remembering them whenever you missed your silver haired Prince.

"Let me gift you the one thing my brother failed to give you, my little wolf. Let me fill your womb with a silver haired babe that would make you mine. Not Aegon's,mine." Aemond whispered in your ear while his hands sneaked underneath your skirts, lifting them up.

"Aemond... it's dangerous...what were doing." You managed to whimper out before you felt the tip of his cock enter you slowly. His movements were agonizingly slow, making your hands get a tight hold of his back, sinking in your nails in the skin of his back so deep that you were sure blood was drawn.

"No one will know what we've done, my sweetness. I'll keep you away from harm's way until my last breath on this world. I promise you that." Your Prince said close to your ear while he was assaulting your entrance with all his power.

"As long as you're by my side, I'll give you whatever you want, my Prince. Just be with me." You answered just before he drew out another moan from you.

That faithful night was followed by many others, similar to it. Late at night, your beloved would find his way in your chambers and he would take you as many times as he wished in any position he desired. In those moments you shared with Aemond you felt like you were living your best life. As if you had no husband who was most likely bedding another whore in his separate chambers right now. As if Aemond was your real husband.

A couple turns of the moons passed in pure bliss, that was until you missed your monthly bleeding twice in a row. You hadn't even noticed it until the Queen herself didn't pay you a visit one morning, informing you of the news that one of her maids had delivered to her. There's been no sign of blood on your sheets for over two months now.

Alicent was overflowing with joy as she thought of her son finally siring a child with his wife. A joyous occasion for her family,one that required a big celebration.

When Aegon learned the news of your pregnancy, he didn't give the reaction a future father was expected to give. He hugged you briefly, for decency in front of his own mother, muttering a quiet "congratulations,my wife" before leaving to do Gods know what.

Aemond, however, was a different story. You've never seen a smile as big on his face ever before when you told him you were with child.

His hands immediately fell on your still flat stomach, where his son or daughter was to grow, swelling your stomach in the process, showing everyone that you were claimed.

"Your prayers were finally answered, my love. This child will be a lucky one to have a mother like yourself. Such a smart, beautiful and captivating mother. And I am a proud man to have such a beautiful woman by my side. Only if I could show the world you were mine." Aemond spoke,his forehead leaning against yours as you felt the warmth his body radiated, something that brought you an odd sense of comfort whenever he was close enough for you go feel it.

"If only..." You said, eyes closing shut at the painful reminder of your husband.

"I can only hope my brother will drive himself to an early grave, I wouldn't be surprised given the amounts of alcohol he consumes and the number of whores he sticks his cock inside. Gods know what type of diseases he had brought upon himself." Your beloved hissed,anger filling his chest at the thought.

"Do not think of such matters right now, dear. This is a joyous occasion,let us savor it for as long as possible. " You said before leaning in to peck his lips softly.

Aemond was absolutely smitten by your different ways of expressing your love and affection towards him. Pecks, light touches,soft smiles, all of these simple things made his chest tighten with a feeling he welcomed every time he was around you. Love.

As the moon came and went and your belly swelled, Aemond seemed to show more and more of his protective side. He followed you around wherever he could, claiming he was just looking after his good sister, since her own husband couldn't find the time to do so. Lord's and Ladies at court praised the younger Prince for his devotion to you and his future niece of nephew. It was rare that women were tended to during their pregnancies, if their husbands didn't care to do so,there was nobody else that would do it. In your case, however, it was different.

This child was going to grow as a future prince, an heir to the throne,but nobody was going to know the truth about its lineage. He or she were going to be their father's child, end of discussion.

Aemond was ready to slay every man or woman who dared disrespect the woman he so dearly loved and who carried his child. Late at night, at the dead of night where no soul was left awake,he would find his way in your chambers where he's whisper sweet words to your swollen stomach and feel the kicks of his child as a response to his voice. Sometimes you were awake, sometimes you weren't,but there was not even one night when Aemond missed to do that. It was his own, unique way of showing love and you loved that for him.

When the last moon before your labors arose, you and a few of your maids and guards made your way to Winterfell,the home you had missed so dearly. From the moment you found out you were with child you knew nothing would stop you from giving birth in the North, you were born there and so was going to be your child.

Aemond followed after you not long after, claiming he had important matters concerning the crown which he had to discuss with your brother, Lord Cregan.

When the pains finally started and the labor progressed,Aemond found himself kneeling beside your bed while you gripped his hand with all the strength you had while the Maester and midwifes encouraged you to push. Nobody questioned the presence of the Prince in the chambers, nobody wanted to know or was going to tell. What mattered in the room were only the mother and the babe, nothing or nobody else.

Hours later, when the sun was starting to rise again, the cries of a new life echoed around the quiet halls of your home. The small Prince announced his arrival on his own,with strong lungs and high pitched cries.

Your and Aemond's son, named Auserys, was a little black haired beauty,just like his mother. He seemed to have taken everything from his mother and nothing from his father. That was until the little thing opened his eyes to take his first blurry look on this words, in that moment beautiful violet eyes fell on the boy's father as the older Targaryen man was drowned by his son's stare.

"My love, he has your eyes." You said, a smile taking over your eyes as you admired your son who laid calmly in your arms. Looking up from his small body, you met the good eye of your beloved, a small tear had escaped his eye and was now rolling down his cheek and jaw.

Without saying a word,Aemond kneeled beside you,just as he did a couple of hours ago, before he spoke.

"I'm going to give my life up for you, my son. For you and for you mother,if needed. I shall love you as the priceless jewel that you are,Auserys. I give an oath today,may the Gods be my witnesses." Aemond spoke,his voice quiet as he tried not to disturb the babe that had finally calmed down after hours of crying loudly.

"And he shall love you as his father, Aemond. This little boy will grow up knowing who his father,his real father, is. He shall know what brave and honorable man his father is and grow up to be as brave and strong as you." You said, pulling one of your hands away from underneath your son's small body, taking a hold of one of Aemond's hands that was cold against your touch.

"I'm going to marry you, Y/N. I'll marry you and claim my son as it should be,and you as my wife. Nothing will stop me from being with my lover and son. " Aemond spoke with such confidence it send shivers down your spine.

He was tired of hiding, tired of seeing the miserable look on your face every time Aegon was near you, he could barely hold his rage whenever that cunt couched your belly, talking about how his heir laid in there. Nothing could stop a man in love from doing anything that would bring him what he desired. The things we do for love.

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