#-toxic REALLY fast. They just could not handle eachother.

[adhd-fandom-and-gay]

doomed yaoi at its finest

HEART, MIND, and SOUL from CHONNY'S CHARMING CHAOS COMPENDIUM, VOL. 1

Justification:

"There's already a lot of talk with them wanting to entwine, anyways. I just think that maybe they would've solved their issues faster if they kissed about it instead of trying to kill each other about it. I think it would do them absolute wonders & I think they would be happier for it. Also, "Polytrident" is an absolute BANGER of a ship name." - @felix-lupin

[chaotickincollection]

I keep getting notes on my “why I don’t like Bigby/Snow” post and I wanna take a moment to revist this, but with how creepy Bigby is as well towards Snow.

As before, everything is under the cut and heads up for comic spoilers.

So, in my previous post I talked a lot about how Snow acts towards Bigby, and I wrote that as someone who was just mad that all she ever did was turn around and yell at him about stuff. But I’ve taken a moment to step back and look at it from her point of view too. As much as I still stand by talking about her toxic behavior towards him in the game and comics, I need to fully address Bigbys creepy behavior towards her as well.

Before I had mentioned how Bigby and Snow met, briefly, and said that it was creepy that he only fell for Snow because she smelled nice but I didn’t elaborate on that any further, so lets elaborate on that.

Bigby and Snow were put under a spell for 2 weeks~ and when it finally wore off they wanted to get out of the situation, but really only had eachother to talk to. They’re hiding out and Snow asks him ‘why do you like me’

Snow says it was ‘all of a sudden’ which seems to mean Bigby was expressing no interest in her for awhile, or trying to hide it (poorly) and then one day just started to like her or started to do his poor attempts of flirting with her. (I say this because in the beginning of the comic he asks her to dance with him for ‘case reasons’ and she agrees and later he admits it wasn’t for a case and he was just too scared to ask her to dance at a party without a reason. She says it was dumb, he said he was hoping for something ‘charming.’)

Anyway, Bigby does go on to explain to her why he likes her, why he can’t ignore her, and what she means to him. Which makes her emotionally and physically uncomfortable, to a point where she asks him to stop.

Please notice how she does say “stop”  and “its too creepy” while stating she feels like she’s been stalked for a long time. And who the hell wouldn’t!!! Bigby just casually admits to her that he knows where she is at any given time, how she feels at any given time, and just overall everything she does at any time. Thats creepy as hell for anyone to think about and not even close to ‘cute and romantic’ and then he just tells her to not ask questions she can’t handle the answer to like what hello.

So he just openly admits to being unable to ignore her which means he does in some sort of way, stalk her without seeing it as stalking her. Its probably some sort of wolf thing but as I mentioned before, I don’t know enough about wolves to comment on that but I do know for human terms- Snow’s terms- its creepy and gross.

Visiting the other post I talked about how Snow yelled at Bigby when she found out she was pregnant.

But I did completely forget and leave out the fact that Snow states Bigby could have smelled it, and Bigby admits he just didn’t tell her.

(also notice how Bigby jumps at saying ‘maybe you seduced me’ when we all know Bigby was desperately in love with Snow)

Yes they were in a dangerous situation and it was probably at the moment, for the best he didn’t tell her just so they could keep their heads straight. BUT he SHOULD have told her once they were safe at home. The reason he didn’t though is because when they got home Snow said she enjoyed the time spent with him and liked seeing him in action, and said she’d like to go out with him sometime.

Bigby could have, and should have, taken this moment to confess to her that something happened while they were in the woods together but he didn’t??? Because he thought ‘oh shit maybe I can start something with her and just pretend that never happened’. Which is overall bad and he SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER AS SOON AS THEY WERE SAFE.

Throughout Snow’s pregnancy Bigby stays by her and she constantly does push him away and tell him she doesn’t want to see him or can’t handle it at the moment. She has every right to say that, thinking about how Bigby took the news and how he did lie to her face and then try to accuse her of seducing him when neither of them know.

He waits for her when she comes back from one of her check ups and he confronts her without her wanting it.

Both of them have valid opinions on the situation. Snow doesn’t have to let Bigby talk to her, but Bigby wants to be in the babies lives and wants to talk to her about it. She agrees, which is nice of her to do so because she’s willing to give him a chance to talk and they could work something out that works the best for both of them without any strings attached or a relationship. Something that could work for the both of them.

Snow does not want a relationship with Bigby at this time. As her pregnancy continues she acts closer to Bigby and wants him to be near her and she even puts herself in harms way at a point to hug him because she’s so overwhelmed that he’s keeping fabletown safe that she just wants to hug him. But then after the babies are born that all vanishes, and she wants nothing to do with him again.

Again, as I stated before their connection only grows after Snow has babies with him and she realizes he’s going to protect her and wouldn’t abandon her. When Bigby pours his heart out to her he does say if she turns him down again he’ll stop talking to her and he’s willing to leave her alone completely.

He gives her a choice here, she can push him away for good this time and they can work out a deal with the children, or she can marry him. Jumping into marriage is a bit extreme to me, there was no previous dating and just a lot of bickering and weird confessions tossed out.

Before Snow did say she was willing to take things with him slow and see how it went, to get to know him for him and see if she would like him as more than a co-worker.

Could something have happened without kids? Yeah probably- maybe not quite so fast but he also would have been sitting on a big lie about not having sex with her, and then of course his entire confession of knowing how she is at every given second of every day.

All in all, regardless of who you’re looking at it still isn’t that healthy of a relationship and shouldn’t be glorified or romanticized. Its not the worst one out there by a long shot, but the stalking from Bigby and the yelling from Snow makes for a toxic relationship. And it only did settle after they had children together which was forced onto them it feels. (Snow WAS given an option for an abortion which she could have taken at any time had she really not wanted children so obviously, she did and that was her choice.)

Thats all I think I can say about this one, please check out the other post if you haven’t before and remember I’m open for discussion regarding both posts and anything. I’d be willing to hear out why you agree or disagree with me on the topic.

[kellinquinnaf]

A bi girls story

As a teenybopper I remember fantasizing about boys and coming up with senarios in my head. One day it was randomly a girl in my thoughts.

In summer 2015 I kissed a girl “A” (my bestfriend at the time) idk why part of me just really wanted to and she kissed me back, a boy saw (an ex it’s a small town) and was SHOCKED but we played it off. Later the “A” and I are home alone and I totally kissed her, pushed her up against the wall and everything. She was my first make out too. Throughout the summer we would have sleepovers and make out and it got as far as being shirtless and grinding (and I came wtf??) The whole time we would ask eachother if we’re straight or not and I was so like mind boggled that I was like “im straight, and we’re just friends who kiss” looking back now we were totally girlfriends that summer.

After that summer I was at a sleep over (in the city now) with my straight best friend “B” (100%) and another girl “S” and we were all friends. For some reason we started giving eachother hickeys and my straight bff “B” thought it was hilarious but I was like so into giving “S” hickeys that after I got sooooo nervous. We were all laying in her big bed together and my bff “B” fell asleep and I was so nervous that I kept shaking uncontrollably and she kept asking why. We were cuddling and so close and I can’t remember what I said but I think I told her I wanted to kiss her and we did and it’s was so amazing. Then weeks later we all had another sleep over and I was more confident this time and I kissed her and she kissed me back but out of no where “S” got up and was all nervous and I was sad that it ended but scared that she was not happy about something. After that she moved schools and I heard from my bff “B” that she felt really awkward about it all. Then she’d start posting about her “gf” (it was supposed to be platonic to the rest of the world) but as she posted pics or vids of them kissing I knew it was real for one of them at least.

In grade 11 a new girl came into the school, she was short and had the best but ever.. I couldn’t help but look. We ended up snapping and FaceTiming a few times and she wanted me to sleep over and she talked about us doing shit. She had a boyfriend at the time and he said he was ok with her experimenting. I was so excited to go over, and she started snapping me her in the bath and then her tits but she started snapping me just her vagina and I was not ready for that. The sleepover never happened :/. Yearssss later I’m in the city at the club and she’s there. I dance with her can call her hot and she says something like it’s been a while. We part ways.

I had a few boyfriends / flings in between then and finally made out with some boys and it was all really amazing too! The next summer I didn’t want to go back to the small town cause I had met this guy “D”! But I went back anyways.

I got a boyfriend in this town in summer 2016 and we told eachother we loved one another a few weeks into dating. During this summer I had a little fling with a girl “J” who at the same time was dating my ex-crush of 3 years who his letter is “V”. We tried kissing in front of both our boys they were just like wtf ok.

My boyfriend and I went long distance for a year while I went back to the city for school. During this time I went to a party with a bunch of people from my grade and idk why but I started talking to this girl “H” and straight up asked her (while drunk) if she ever thought about being with girls and she admitted yes and I kissed her. People saw and she got awkward about it. Another friend who saw got awkward around me after too. Another friend knew I’ve kissed other girls and I told her I was thinking about this party girl “H” and she told me that “H” felt weird about it after it happened. I let it go. During this time I also kissed a boy “J” at a party. And more girls at a different party (including my straight best friend “B” while she was drunk. I convinced her to kiss me I just wanted to see how she kissed lol). When prom came boy “J” had a girlfriend and we saw eachother at prom with our dates (“J” knew at the time that I had a boyfriend when I kissed him at the party) he just said hey Sam and looked at me with side eye but flirtation??? I said hey back .. my boyfriend knew that was the guy.

Fast forward a year and I moved in with my boyfriend in the small town. We were completely in love until we moved in together. Things get hard when you graduate high school and move 15 hours away with your boyfriend the day after. I cheated on him with a man “K” a year later and again 6 months after that, with “D” from years after he and I were a thing.

During the second time I was back in the city at the club dancing with the cheat “D” and my bffs sister “K” (guy “D” had a huge crush on girl “K” for the longest time). I’m between them both, my front grinding this girls ass and my ass grinding on this guy. This is the moment I felt true complete bliss and I knew then in that exact moment that I was bisexual. I then admitted it to my bestfriend “B” days later, the first person I told out loud and she said “I’ve known that since girl “S” in grade 10” (at this point we’re on our second year out of high school) Guess I must be obvious.

This guy “D” though he accepted my bisexuality in the moment and made me feel empowered and turned on by it. He was turned on by it. It just felt so good to be with someone so open. Actually I had another boy “C” who felt the same and it felt so good to me for them to enjoy me just being bisexual me. (Funny story this boy “C” dated the girl I had kissed in the sleepovers “S” and so I told him about how we kissed the same girl and he was so horny over it ahhh!)

Bring us to one month ago and (6months after that last cheat with “D”) and I go to another party in the small town now. I’m fucking plastered but I somehow scavenge out the lesbian from the pack of girls who is “M” 😍. We start talking and I guess I’m totally attracted to her. I think I kissed her without her wanting it at first. I kissed her a lot that night. Everyone saw too. We walked home with everyone and I held her hand the whole way. We added eachother on snap.

I told my boyfriend long ago that I’m bisexual and he told me I’m not. I tell him again and he says we could have a three sum. After kissing “M” I got weird cause he considers it cheating and I felt horrible for doing it again. I told him and my boyfriend said “I’m sorry but Im not into that. I know some guys are but I’m not” I told him my fantasy of having us be in a three way relationships with a girl. He could have two girls to fuck and I could have the best of Both worlds. He could get us both pregnant and our kids would be siblings. He was not intrigued by this idea at all.

“M” and I want to hang out but now I feel like I can’t hang out with her cause I know I won’t be able to control myself. She came into my work the other day for a dental appointment. She walks in wearing all black, her blonde hair shimmering in the light contrasting to the black. She has a big leather jacket and a helmet in hand, wearing big black boots. Her colourful tattoos showing on her arms making her look so tough but artistic. We get to chatting as I show her to her exam room. She forgot that I worked there and I commented on the fact that she rides a motorcycle. A Honda 500 (can’t remember the model) - I tell her I’ve always wanted to ride but my parents never let me. I’m leaning on the counter trying to look chill and cool. She said riding a bike is the gayest thing to do (I thought she meant like “gay insult” but she meant “gay homosexual”). I bet the whole office could hear the flirtation and I only hope that they think it’s just banter. She’s getting ready to leave now so I pretend to busy myself with paper work at the front so I can watch her leave. As she’s leaving I walk to the back and turn over my sholder, us making eye contact and waving to eachother. I watch her ride her motorcycle with one hand after saying she just started riding and is getting used to it. She looked like a dream.

I snap her the next day asking how the work day is since I of course work days and she works nights. She replys with something calling me cutie and sending heart eye emojis. We flirt a bit more and she says she wants to hangout soon since she’s leaving for college again. I leave for vacation so I tell her aug 25th and 26th I’m back and can hang out. She said she leaves the 27th but can chill the 26th. I ask her what she wants to do (idk if she knows I have a boyfriend but I have to tell her). She says “I don’t think we’ll be bored😉”

Now I’m day dreaming about her and I have a boyfriend. I don’t know what I should do but I now know that the term “once a cheater always a cheater” is true. I know my desires will win. But can you really blame a Gemini; we are so torn between being two people and leading two different lives that we are greedy and take as much as we can of everything.

I also have a crush on my boss, a smart, intelligent, artistic and wholesome girl dentist, who is also a Gemini and born a decade and two days before me. This life is a struggle.

—

I’ve been thinking lately of talking to a therapist. My life is fucked up. I’m so torn between where I am and where I want to be. I don’t even know where I want to be .. I thought right where I am was it but I’m not so sure. I want to leave this town and go back to the city and go to school but I’m living the life I wanted here. I just don’t want this settled down family life just yet. I’m dental assisting without having gone to school for it so I feel like I can’t be proud of what I do. I’m a dance instructor with someone I can’t even handle anymore because of their greed and want to have my own control over it. I’m torn between wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be single. Between wanting to be with a boy and with a girl. I miss my family but I moved here to get away from that toxic household (not toxic when not living with the parents). I have not been officially diagnose but I know I have OCD and trichotilomania (a disorder causing you to involuntary pull out your body hair). I only pulled my eyelashes but when I tried to stop I just started picking my skin and now I have the worst acne and scaring. I need help. My house is either spotless or a complete disaster. also I’m in the closet for most of everything and I’m nervous to what my family and coworkers will think/feel. Everyone else idgaf but when you’re so close and personal and you come out it shocks people and then the women don’t want to get to close to you in fear that you’re attracted to them. And the parents would be ok with it but they’d just be shocked.

I’m gunna ask the girl to hang out tonight and we’ll probably make out. Hopefully we fuck.

#horrible person

[giganticactus]

9.20.19

The last three years have felt like an absolute eternity.

On this day, three years ago, my recovery began. Three years ago, I was a shell of a person barely functioning enough to brush my teeth more days of the week than not. I hated myself to the point that I couldn't bare living life as the person I was. There was nothing about my personality or my mind that I did not despise. I had zero goals or hope or dreams for the future. I couldn't see my future beyond only a few days ahead. For a long time, I didn't want to find it.

My personality was a dark ball of depression and loneliness and emptiness. In constant need of an escape. In desperate need for help. I considered myself, no longer human, for a large chunk of 2016. There was no personality or humanity in my body. I was truly nothing but a combination of debilitating mental illnesses. I was living off of nothing else but guilt and codepency on a person I was in a very toxic relationship with at the time.

On this day three years ago, I broke off that relationship. It was the fourth day in a row which I didn't have suicidal thoughts. I felt that I truly had a 1% chance of surviving myself without her. I decided that I had to take that chance while it was in front of me. I had to let go of the one person who I knew was holding me down.

For another two months, I did nothing but sit at home, focused on avoiding triggers and finding ways to cope with the triggers. I played video games at all hours of the day, I forced myself to limit the food I ate while making sure I did still eat, trying to eat food that wasn't pure junk. Drank water as often as I thought about it. Focused on the parts of me that I hated most and tried my best not to hate them.

I realized, in the beginning of my recovery, that I had to build myself back up into a human being again. I had to recreate my personality and my relationships and social skills. I had to create motivation to get anywhere in my physical life. And it dawned on me. If I have to build myself back up, why would I go back to the person who put me onto this position in the first place?

The qualities that I wanted most in the person I wanted to be were: motivated, and didn't immediately run away from anything bigger than a mild inconveinece. I wanted to face challenges head on, I wanted to want to overcome obstacles. I've always been such a lazy person by nature that I wanted nothing to do with anything that wasn't completely easy to me. As I slowly built this person over the coming months, I got a temporary job working at Walmart over the holidays.

That seasonal job at Walmart that I spent 40 hours a week at for six weeks, was the best thing to happen to me in my recovery. It was just challenging enough that I was able to thrive from the challenges. I got my first hint of customer service skills, I worked as part of a team, I made friends. I learned a lot of responsibility and I rode my bike everyday to get there. But the number one thing that job did for me, was give me a sense of purpose. People relied on me. I had a job to do and I didn't have the option of walking away from it. I had a purpose. I hadn't had that feeling my entire life. And I must say, I was pretty good at it. I learned things pretty fast and honestly the only negative quality I had at that job was that I lacked a sense of urgency. But it wasn't hard to work around, and it definitely improved in the weeks I worked there. Two of my biggest fears were handling difficult customers and answering phones. Both of which I had to endure, and nine times out of ten they turned out well. I always had other people to fall back on as a safety net if I messed up. I was only eighteen, and the youngest worker in the store. Everybody looked out for me when I needed it and gave me a little push when I needed it as well. That job gave me a completely different outlook on the working industry and who Walmart is as a company. Both, in very positive light.

After that job ended, I was unemployed for five months. In that time I went back to my previous habits after my recovery began, but I was also a little more diligent about looking for another job. I had a small lick of motivation to find another purpose, but had trouble finding work that was close enough to ride my bike to, and would hire me with only six weeks of work experience.

I was hanging out with a friend of mine that April. He brought along a friend of his that we went to high school with. This friend was a shiftlead at my favorite place to eat. He asked me about what I was doing at the time, and when I told him I wasn't in school and didn't have a job, he told me that his work was desperate for hires. I was unsure about it, mostly because the store was a two and a half mile trip from my house, and the idea of riding my bike that far everyday sounded just a little bit like a real life horror movie. I told him I would think about it and he gave me his phone number for when I made my decision. A week later, he set up an interview with his manager for me and told me when to come in. I rode my back at two o'clock in the afternoon in early may to this interview where I was hired on the spot.

2017 was a year of recovery. I continued to build myself up and find habits that made me happy and healthy as I could be. I was truly the happiest I've ever been, in 2017. My depression quickly withered to a pebble because of this job and the friends I made. Riding my bike was great exercise, and I worked at a salad restaurant and was eating good healthy food. I was honestly of top of the fucking world.

In March of 2018, I met a boy. He was filling in from another store while we were short staffed. He was big and he was goofy and about as friendly as a stranger can get. Something about him drew me toward him. I knew from the day we met, that he was someone special. After a few days of chatting and working together, we and two other worker friends of mine hung out after work one day. He was the last one I brought home that night, and when he learned in to kiss me, I though "fuck it", and it was the best "what's the worst that could happen" decision I've made in my entire life.

We dated for one year and two weeks before breaking things off for complicated reasons. It wasn't a good breakup (if those exist), but it definitely wasn't a bad one. After we got out bearings and thoughts and feelings sorted, a week later we met up for the first time again to talk. Things weren't awkward, but it was sad. After that, we decided to remain friends for fear of losing eachother. There was a short period over the summer that we lost touch, while I was on my bender, but a month later we got to talking and hanging out again. We are in a very good place right now and see eachother often, once or twice a week. He is my best friend. And while the idea of getting back together has been kind of the elephant in the room for the last few weeks, for right now I'm enjoying the time I can spend with him.

My health and happiness fluctuate a lot. I currently just got out of a deep depression pit myself, due to denial of an environmental stressor I've chosen to ignore for nearly a year.

What truly matters, is doing my best. Finding what works and what doesn't. Keeping myself as far away as possible from where I was three years ago. The number one thing, is learning to love who I am. Changing the negative qualities that I can, and accepting the ones that I can't. Taking actions to keep myself as healthy and happy as possible while maintaining relationships and a shitty career.

I'm endlessly grateful for where I am today. I'm endlessly grateful for the journey I had to take to get here, and for the opportunities and decisions I will have in the future.

Right now, I'm finding reasons to be happy. Holding onto the people around me, finding balance between things I have and want and need, and finding goals and hope for the future. I am doing really good right now, recovering from my bender. I realized this time last year, that I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. And I know that its okay. Recovery means coming up from the down. The journey ahead looking better than the path left behind. I'm endlessly grateful.

Overall, I'm fairly happy. I have family whom I love and love me. I don't have many friends but the few close friends I have are extremely important to me. The situation at work is going better than it has been, and I'm currently looking for a second job. I've moved out of my dads house and hope to move out on my own pretty soon. Things look good right now. I have hope. I have things to look forward to, I have a better hold of saving money, and have a million things I want to save for. For instance, buying a new car and taking trips to Colorado to hold me over until I can eventually move there.

Recovery is a process I'm well familiar with. Rock bottom and I are old friends that I plan to never reunite with.

One last note I want to leave, is a message to the person I left on September 20th, 2016.

I see you. I see you as a human being. I see you as a human being with struggles. When I think about who you were three years ago, I see a human being.

I remember everything. The words said, the feelings felt, the anger and love and hatred shared. The memories and experiences, I remember it all.

I know now, especially after a similar friendship I had this past summer, what our relationship looked like. What it really was. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I saw a certain comment on social media that hit me like a train. And I had a whole new perspective to the situation.

I've always known what you did to me. How your words and your actions affected me. I know how codependent I became. How much I dreaded the idea of living life without you. How much I hated you some days and loved you on others. How desperate I was for your attention and the empty feeling I had whenever you would push me away. How grateful I was for the times you were there.

I've realized lately, of the impact I had on you. While I've never gotten your direct take on everything, I do now know some things. I know that I put you into a harmful situation. I trapped you in a spot that any action you took could become dangerous. At a young age, another person depended on you in a way that no person should. I realize now, the pressure I put on you. The damage I had to have caused at the time.

I don't know your true intentions of the time. I don't know what you thought or how you felt. I know that you hid a lot from me. I know now that it truly was for the better of both of us. I expected far more from you than I never should have asked. I see it now. I see the intensity of the impact it must have had.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm sorry for putting you in that situation that I depended on you so instensely. I'm sorry for the pressure. I'm sorry for the despair and desperation. I never should have done that to you. I'm truly, insanely sorry. I don't blame you for a single thing. I forgive you for any hardships caused. I'm sorry for any hardships I had caused you and your family. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry.

[imgayandemotional]

so while everything went down obviously i ranted a lot here. but i also kept this for the things i couldn’t say:

notes about her

entry 1

i don’t know how i ended up here. i met a girl after shaelyn and i broke up. her names katie, she’s sweet, beautiful, funny, the whole shabang. she’s got these incredibly gorgeous eyes and when she gazes at me with them i could melt. her lips are so soft and when we kiss i feel perfectly in sync. she’s such a good kisser damn. i fell for her too quickly. not to say i’m in love with her or anything but i just really like her. i caught feelings fast. we hung out a total of two times but i don’t know the time we spent together was really something. the first time i felt like i got really close to her. just cuddling in her dorm telling eachother our life stories. i really got to know a lot about her and her about me. i guess that’s how i got to like her so quickly. i gained all this information about her fondest memories and quirky things she’s done throughout her life. i loved hearing her talk and go on about them. i didn’t leave her dorm until 11:30 that night. i still had to drive an hour and a half home and got home at 1am. it was worth it tho. i can’t believe she came to see me again after that. that’s probably the nail in the coffin was that day. going on an actual date to go play mini golf and go to the arcade. i suck at mini golf so much lmao. pretty sure she started to play badly just to make me feel better and we started goofing around. god her smile is so beautiful. her little laughs at me being a complete dork. that shit fuels me. when she lost her golf ball into the bushes and we went to get it and kissed behind the bushes for a bit damn. i rly didn’t care about mini golf anymore. i would’ve just made out there for a while. but we finished our game and stole the balls as mementoes. i wonder if she really kept it. i do atleast. then the arcade she got so excited over the games it was so cute. seeing her get cocky that she could beat me was adorable. obviously i let her win or maybe i just suck. maybe a little of both lmao. but then we came back to my house and chilled in my room. making out with her damn that’s so nice. i’ve talked about kissing her a lot oops. but damn it feels so right. but now she just wants to be friends? maybe i have wishful thinking but i feel like she’s gotta have feelings for me. all of that there’s no way i was the only one catching feelings. i wish she wouldn’t ignore them. i wish things were easier. that we could be something. all i really want right now is to call her my girl. i know that’s not gonna happen tho. i don’t even know if i can call her my friend much longer. she says it’s not a good idea but i don’t want that. then she says she doesn’t want that either but i don’t understand. she says we’re both hurting eachother. yea i guess i’m hurt she’s pushing me away. but i’m not taking it personally. i feel like i know she has feelings she just needs to let them happen. but again maybe i’m just making it up in my head. i don’t know. i wish i knew what she was thinking. i don’t want to hurt her. but i think she’s hurting me she knows i want to be with her and part of her wants to be with me but she’s holding back. don’t hold back. life’s too short to hesitate on things like this. i can make her happy. i think i already do when we hang out and talk she seems happy. maybe she’s not tho. again i wish i knew what the hell was going on in her head. i feel so confused. i don’t know what to feel anymore. i can’t stop looking at her the way i always do tho. she keeps calling me out but how am i supposed to suddenly look at her different? i’m still in awe of her and that’s not gonna change.

entry 2

do i actually even like this girl or am i just scared of being alone? i am perfectly okay with being alone tho that’s the thing. i was only on tinder for hookups. i wasn’t looking for a relationship because i mean it’s tinder nobody is really looking for a relationship. but feelings had other plans. maybe i’m just trying to fill the void shaelyn made when she left me. i don’t think so tho. i told katie i needed some time before we talk and i took that time to get over my breakup before picking back up. but things with katie seemed to move so fast. the feelings came flowing in. i don’t know i’ve barely known this girl a month but i actually know so much about her. i feel like something’s right with us. i don’t know. again i’m just in my head making up stuff i want right? damn she’s somethin else tho. i can’t shake it.

entry 3

she finally made things clear that were just friends. saying she did have feelings for me but she lost them. i don’t know. that hurts me i guess. i know it shouldn’t. i was barely talking to this girl. but i don’t know. somewhere long the way i caught genuine feelings. it seemed mutual and now it’s just me feeling this. why do i always feel more than others? i’m tired of having a big heart. i love too easily and i can’t hate people that easily. i really overplay things in my head. i feel things too much. i want to go numb. no more feelings. fuck them.

entry 4

i facetimed her last night from 11pm to 5am. we’re just friends now tho. she made it very clear that that’s what we are. she said she doesn’t think she feels anything for me anymore. i see the way she looks at me and laughs at my jokes tho. i’m not so sure that’s true. my theory is that it’s easier to ignore them. her feelings for me that is. she’s obviously scared of being vulnerable again. she’s scared to let me see her dark bits but honestly i can handle them. i’ve seen them already wether she wanted me to or not. i know how i can help is by just being here. i think she needs me in her life tho. i’ve shown her honesty and sympathy. i cant believe her ex treated her the way she did and i want to be nothing of that to her. i know i was toxic with shaelyn and i don’t need that with katie. but we’re not even together. she after zoning out that she needs to sort out more stuff in her head. honestly am i overthinking to think that i’m still a question in her head. i really wish we had met on better circumstances. i wish i’ll actually get a shot with her. i don’t know how to describe it but there’s something about this girl. i’m not gonna let her go. we’ll just have to be friends cus i care about her too much to let her friend zoning me actually hurt me.

entry 5

hang on this entry gon start w sum from her tumblr..

”why am i getting jealous of tiktok lesbians liking you when you aren’t even mine to get jealous of literally what the fuck katie”

okay. so how you gon tell me you don’t have feelings for me anymore when you posting this. say you want me. be my girl. i want you so bad baby girl. damn. this shit sent me. i was like mhmm yea i know you still very much like me. tell me. be with me. i know you’re holding yourself back but i could spoil you w my love and affection babe.

entry 6

we have follow ups folks.

”i’m not sure this friends thing can work when we clearly like eachother but it’s way too complicated and i’m not in the mood to fuck you over”

“so fucking torn between wanting to be single and wanting you and that’s not okay bc i absolutely cannot be in a relationship where half of me wants to be single. i have to choose the half of me that will hurt you the least. as much as i fucking hate it. fucking hell.”

JUST BE WITH ME!!!!!!!! goddamn i do kinda be in my feels w you doh. stop that.

entry 7

i think this is one of the most painful things. being absolutely infatuated with someone and knowing they are with you too and yet nothing happens. she wants to be with me but she doesn’t. i just want nothing but her. she likes me. i know she does. i know she finds me charming and cute. i know damn well i find her absolutely adorable and beautiful. i want us to be together so bad. it’s become such a fantasy in my head. when does that fantasy become a reality?

entry 8

okay but i don’t get what’s so confusing. where are the complications you keep talking about? i like you and you like me. let’s jus be together. save ourselves the hurt of acting like we can be just friends. let me love you. i get why you backed out of us “talking”. the kisses, cuddles, cute date. it got too real. you saw yourself with me and that scared you. commitment is scary as hell. i don’t blame you.

entry 9

wow. just fucking wow. how are you going to like me but not want to be with me. that makes no fucking sense. and how come you only ever fucking express your feelings to me when you’re drinking. i’m not some fucking game you can play. i’m honestly so fucking hurt and sad. i want to be with you so bad. you know that. you’ve known that this whole time.

entry 10

we’re not talking anymore. in any context. at least for a bit. i don’t know how long. we had the painful talk of feelings and what we want. relationship wasn’t what she wanted. that hurt me. i still want her. she said all this stuff about wanting to be friends but doesn’t think we’re in a place to be friends right now. it’s weird not talking to her all day. i wonder how she’s doing. this was painful for both of us i know.

[goldenacolyte]

📱 for my doctor aaaaaaaaaaaand her doctor XD

SEND 📱 TO FIND OUT ABOUT MY MUSE’S PHONE

her doctor #1 (aka yours lol)

What ringtone my muse has set for yours: Parrot by Stepdad (instrumental or not idk???) (( omg side note, i wanted to maybe tease using the song ‘i like me better’ by Lauv to because it’s a silly one and the chorus is fitting?? (( well ex the whole ‘from the first time’ bit because wellll their first meeting and all lol)) i love that song sO much but i decided against itttt lol )) 

What contact photo my muse has set for yours: ( i still love the detail on the hat LOL )

What my muse thinks of the way yours texts: far too competent, let loose and use ONE spelled wrong word or abbreviation CHRIST MAN (but really it doesn’t bother her too much, he does use the occasional emoticon im sure so lol, oh my muse can never resist taking the piss with himmm lol)

How quickly my muse responds to your texts: VERY fast. Unless of course she is all wolfy then she might be too busy…. but she’ll still check and nose the buttons if she can LOL, had a couple scratches on her case from doin’ this a bunch tbh.

How often our muses text: i’d say pretty often? whether it’s when they’re traveling or on a mission or just casually fuckin with eachother~ as they do lol

How often our muses call: see above~ plus sometimes it’s important to her if they’re separated that there’s more evidence he’s alright, and try to see if she can pick up on any pained hitches of breath and shit

Does my muse purposefully miss calls from yours: … sometimes~ (rose u CHEEKY SH-) only when he’s been particularly… himself. (it’s not that often DONT LET HER FOOL U DOC)

Last text sent from my muse to yours: yeah… i mightve um….. tore into your couch? xoxo

HER DOCTOR #2 (her bae lol)

What ringtone my muse has set for yours: … this, was WAY too hard to pick okay?? im terrible with picking anyway but there’s too many cute songs i could useeeee, ( something deep inside jk jk ) lol faith it’s not contract binding PICK, maybe i’ll just go with That’s What’s Up by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros (even if the one time i saw it it was more with tentoo, but i MEAN, still fits lol) or Starving (because idk just somethin upbeat before i go cliche and use toxic lol or Bite, gdi @ myself what is your music taste)

What contact photo my muse has set for yours:  (couldn’t find rosie one of the glasses one she so loves DEARLY LOL, but she does love this one a close second so)

What my muse thinks of the way yours texts: sort of ditto with your doctor’s, except he uses a BIT more emoticons, so in that department ALL THE EMOTICONS 

How quickly my muse responds to your texts: SPEED OF LIGHT usually like your doctors~ even if it’s just trivial things that makes her just sigh fondly

How often our muses text: what feels like 25/7 really, they’re too fuckin ridiculously sweet it’s almost sickening if i didn’t love them so muchhhhhhhhhhh, makes it more useful with the unlimited texts she’s got from the Doctor’s plan (aka making her phone amazing tbh… even though now she wishes that it was impervious to scratches and is tempted to ask him next time)

How often our muses call: LOTS see above~ and in the future it’s def led with that whole ‘you hang up… no YOU hang up’ thing that rose in the past would’v found slightly sickening but now she’s become it LOL, and your doc’s prob like ‘*sighs in eternal suffering and shuts the phone for them while her doc’s like D: ‘…WHAT DID I DO WRONG.’

Does my muse purposefully miss calls from yours: no!! wouldn’t wound him like that, he would pout and her poor human heart cant handle it to be frank!

Last text sent from my muse to yours: b back soon luv... and yes i brought the taser along with now stop fretting!

[cnisms]

wanted plots & established connections !

ok cool... this rlly aint shit but ! i’ve come up with some ideas (or alex reminded me of a bunch of connections i wrote for an rp that never opened) that i’d be down for. they’re not in order or anything bc there’s a few that could work for a couple different muses so i’ll just list those details after each one. if u see smth u would be down for just ... lmk :P here is my muse list for quick reference. updated w more !!

01.  a box of friendship bracelets and low quality selfies from 2009 tucked away in a closet is all that survived a dynamic friendship that fizzled into nothing. as roommates, a & b shared everything – a set of first times included. then, interests they once shared began to change and both felt as if the other was leaving them behind. neither wanted to be seen chasing desperately after someone that wasn’t interested, so they both pretend they stopped caring long ago. (ex best friends, possibly romantic, misery !) paris, aja, arabella or angel for either muse a or b.

02. a & b were in an extremely close relationship for over a year, though their friends often debated the seriousness of it as they seemed to spend every second weekend broken up. heated arguments from friday were always completely forgotten by monday, much to everyone else’s frustration. it all came to an end when a particularly nasty argument forced a to take an abrupt vacation, coming back to find b already dating someone else. (ex romantic, drama n tension. that someone else could be an npc or another muse.) angel as muse a, percy as muse a, tomas as muse a or b, rosie as muse b, or luma as muse b.

03. though they had known one another for months before, a & b didn’t really clique until their first argument. ever since then, the two have held tight to their friendship and even more to their weekly debates. they fight about anything and everything, no matter how irrelevant or ridiculous. occasionally, things will get personal and they’ll go days without talking, but they always end up back on the same couch, ranting over wine and netflix. (close frenemies.) angel, alanis, rosie or zach as either muse.

04.  everyone was well aware that a & b had always been partners in crime, many people joking to watch out for the troublesome two. just like siblings, the best friends were often bickering about something, but the frequent fights about a’s selfishness or b’s envy always came to a fast close with a playful punch. of course, there had to be a tipping point. when a heard that b had hooked up with a’s recent ex in their absence, they quickly came to the conclusion that their friendship was done for good. the two haven’t exchanged a single kind word since. (friends turned enemies. same w #2, the ex could be another muse or just an npc.) wes, elizabeth or angel as a. tomas, alanis or luma as b.

05. though they’d never been particularly close friends, a & b knew to turn to each other when seeking something they couldn’t get from those closest to them. just sex, no strings attached. it was the perfect arrangement, until it became clear that a didn’t really care about b’s personal life. b remains desperate to keep the affair secret, while a grows tired of playing it so safe. (oops . cheating plot . muse b would have to be in some kind of relationship w someone else, they could be npc tho.) luma, cici or percy as muse a. elizabeth or rosie as muse b.

06.  intoxicated beyond reason when it was made, it’s no surprise that a & b regret a lot of the things on their bucket list. though they can back out whenever they want with no real consequence, neither are willing to be the first to stand down. with some of their tasks being embarrassing and most dangerous, everyone knows to watch out when these two get together to cross another challenge off the list. (dumbass friends always risking their lives for dares) percy, luma, constance or gia as either muse.

07. a & b spend more time together than apart, using expensive wine and room service to fill in the silence between giggles and gossip that should be used to address the elephant in the room: the mutual affection isn’t as platonic as they like to pretend.  with their own experiences of romantic feelings destroying important friendships, despite the fact they both feel they are ready to get serious, they can’t help but stress the risk in their minds and wait for the other to make the first move. (romantic !!) natalya, helena, gia or arabella as either xx.

08. few people are lucky enough to find that one person they can count on for anything and everything, that’s why a has grown to resent the other people in b’s life. unaware of the jealousy, b has grown tired of the series of petty arguments that a has been attempting to start with them more recently. of course, the issue being left unaddressed has only added fuel to the fire. a has moved on to underhandedly interfering with b’s relationship in an effort to get their best friend back. (toxic bffship. one can’t handle the other having outside relationships (whether theyre romantic or platonic idk) so they scheme n make issues) luma, elizabeth or angel as muse a. luke or zach as muse b.

09. though they had always been friends, a & b grew especially close at the beginning of last year, often ditching their friendship group to go on their own adventures. on one of their messier summer nights, they slept together. the affair continued for months before they finally agreed to end it, though they only really stayed away from each other due to the fight that followed the conversation. despite their ruined friendship, a & b are forced to work together to keep the secret buried as their group grows more and more suspicious of them. (two people within a squad who went from being friends to lovers to enememes. they cheated on their s/os at the time. even tho they’re mad at each other, they’re still friends with both the exes (or current partners if any of them are still together) so they’re trying to keep their drama secret. the friendship group/partners could be other muses but also npc ? so much easier) luma, zach, paris, helena, ajay or gia as either muse.

10. committed to enmity, a & b have never let their mutual friends get in the way of their hatred for each other. there are very few events they consider important enough to save the argument for later, no strangers to bickering over brunches and formal dinners. though both refuse to give any real reasoning for their beef, everyone has their own idea. a & b grew tired of waiting for the other to apologize for the drama, deciding they’re beyond ever becoming friends. (enemies that are always being forced together by their mutual friends, detailed backstory could be developed) luma, mari, tomas, zach, ajay, helena, angel or anyone rlly as either.

11. always swearing the other was the love of their life, everyone was shocked at the demise of a & b’s very public relationship. though a appeared to deal with this much better than b, moving on to a string of hookups soon after the breakup, neither made any attempt at trying to play civil for the sake of the group. it wasn’t until just recently, when they were forced to be alone together for the first time in over a year, that they began to talk. a warm friendship quickly blossomed, though awkward moments are neither few nor fleeting as unresolved heartbreak hangs in the air. (lovers finally turned friends w a nice touch of angst) luma or zach as muse a. aja, helena or luke as muse b.

12. though a & b often claim that their beef is simply due to conflicting personalities, it’s quite clear that their separate histories with the same people play a huge part in their inability to get along. the extremity of this differs day to day, sometimes acting as frenemies exchanging snide remarks, to full blown screaming matches that secretly entertain those around them. everyone else has come to accept the fact that the two have no interest in forming a genuine friendship. (2 ppl who hate eachother bc of a mutual ex. could be an npc or another muse) tomas, percy, rosie or alanis as either.

13. a & b were quick to become best friends and have never been anything else since the day they met. for them, it’s nice knowing that someone always has their back no matter what goes on in their lives, but the rest of their friends aren’t so fond of them together. others often complain that they’re tired of the two always getting involved and fighting each other’s battles. as life forces them apart more and more often, they’ve begun to wake up to the codependent nature of their friendship. (codependent bffs that need to cool it but just love each other so dang much it ain’t easy) aja, zach or elizabeth as either.

14. a & b were always a ‘will they, won’t they’ situation to those around them, one always being interested in the other at the wrong time. they often joke about all the missed opportunities and behave as if they’re fine just being friends, but with the mutual crush returning stronger than ever before, they know it’s only a matter of time before they have to sacrifice either their friendship or their other relationships. (right there . a will they/wont they kinda relationship. one or both would have to have a lil smth going on w/ another muse or npc for the drama) constance, rosie, arabella or ajay as either.

15. after the demise of a long relationship, a began hooking up with b. the agreement was that they’d be friends with benefits and nothing else, b even writing up a list of rules for a to abide by. unsurprisingly, it didn’t last long before a was falling hard for b. no real interest in a relationship with the other, b cut a off completely. a had no choice but to attempt to move on. since then, a has never attempted to play nice with b, who so coldly broke their heart. (fwb turned enemies !!) wes, arabella, luke or beck as muse a. alanis, tomas or luma as muse b.

16. when a felt as though all their relationships were falling apart, b was there to comfort them. what was intended to be just a shoulder to cry on grew into a pure and satisfying friendship that exceeds all expectations. people often pressure the two to date and they won’t deny they’ve each had a desire to do so at different times, but they’ve dismissed these feelings as passing crushes. (platonic, fleetingly romantic) wes, aja, paris or zach as either.

17. a & b are about as different as two people can be, proving that opposites do not always attract. a makes no effort to hide the fact that they think lowly of b, while b isn’t afraid to put a in their place. there are a few, rare moments between arguments where they’ll feel bad for what was said and maybe even share a laugh, but this never lasts long before they’re bickering about something else. (negative) rosie, elizabeth, tomas, mari, helena, arabella or percy as a. wes, zach, paris or gia as b.

18. once a realized people always want what they can’t have, they quickly covered up their long-term crush on b and began giving them the cold shoulder. not much time went by before b took the bait, discovering a new interest in a. they’ve been playing this game of cat and mouse for quite some time, though neither are willing to throw in the towel. despite pretending otherwise, a enjoys the attention, but they’re looking for commitment, and they’re well aware that b is just looking for fun. (romantic (kinda)) aja, arabella or helena as a. rosie, percy or luma as b.

19. ‘ride or dies’ is the term most would use to describe a & b. together, they’ve been through more than most people can imagine. surely, you would think, there has to be a line you’d draw, even when it comes to your best friend. a & b, however, are dangerously committed to each other. it doesn’t matter what one says or does, the other will always have their back without a second thought of the consequences. (another pair of dumbass bffs) angel, zach, paris, gia or luma as either.

20. a & b never really got along, always failing to understand what their friends saw in the other. unlike other people within their group, they were always good at remaining civil for everyone else’s sake, but it’s grown increasingly difficult. following a recent blow up, a & b have realized that what they share may no longer be disinterest, both secretly blaming the argument on sexual tension. (enemies that wanna [ b vc ] smex it) rosie, natalya, ajay or alanis as either.

21. it was just luck that a & b ended up at the same resort on vacation years ago, agreeing to make the most of it. somewhere between sneaking out at night and away from their families during the day, the two fell in love. it seemed perfect and a couldn’t imagine anything better, which is why they were so shocked when they got home and b acted as if nothing happened between them and began dating someone else. while a never cried over b, they had an extremely difficult time getting over b. (exes) mari, bobbie, gia or paris as either tbh. cici as b.

22. just because a & b can’t say exactly when and how they wound up in an exclusive relationship, doesn’t mean it’s not important to them. what was meant to be just another fling escalated into something serious quite naturally, though there are some shared moments where they feel as if they’re back to being nothing more than friends. too distracted by their own outside interests to commit to solving these currently minuscule problems, the two risk destroying their relationship. (ppl who are dating but sometimes it seems like they’re nothin more than friends. could be poly!!) zach, luke, paris or aja as either.

23. a & b are always getting accused of being frenemies by those around them, and they’re unlikely to reject that idea, even when they’re together. for as long as anyone can remember, the two have traded petty insults and pressured one another into terrible ideas. still, no matter how bad things get, they continue to spend every other day attached at the hip, trying to get the other into trouble. (another frenemy plot just w more headassary) gia, percy or luma as either.

24. both strong personalities on their own, a & b together are a force to be reckoned with. the two had a strong friendship, always supporting each other, until they both admitted their deepest secrets. when they sobered up, they decided they’d made a mistake, but weren’t willing to talk about it. now burdened with another secret that could hurt others, as well as knowing the other could ruin their own relationships at any moment, the pair have no idea how to act around each other. (basically friends who arent on the best terms rn after finding out each others deepest n darkest secrets which would have to be worked out obviously) tomas, natalya or mari as either.

25. much to their disgust, people are always asking a & b if they are related due to their constant bickering. after dating for years, the two felt they grew to know each other too well, ending the romantic relationship to just be friends. staying true to their word, they have remained incredibly close. whenever one has an embarrassing question or a disgusting story to share, it’s the other they text. they figure there’s no harm done as they’ve already seen each other at their worst. (romantic turned platonic) gia, bobbie, zach or beck.

26. a year ago, a would have done anything for b, believing they had the perfect, fairy-tale romance going on. truthfully, it was almost perfect, which is exactly why b felt the need to screw it up before they got too deep. in the long run, the carefully considered decision to cheat on a ended up hurting b just as much. now that a has moved on and is comfortable in b’s company again, they’ve begin to regret the loss. despite their previous fears, b has become determined to win a’s affection back. (romantic. angsty . whom knows) arabella, bobbie or luke as a. rosie or tomas as be.

27. a & b are described as being a package deal. you get both or you get none, one rarely being seen without the other. the best friends are known to take spontaneous trips without notifying anyone else, sometimes putting them at odds with the rest of their friends, who the two often accuse of being jealous of their friendship. because of their commitment to one another, a’s social life suffers due to b’s preference for staying in and hanging out one on one. while a tries to be understanding of b’s situation they can’t help the feeling of resentment that grows every time they turn down another invitation to stay at home with b. (best friends who have conflicting ideas of fun) bella, alanis, paris, percy or luma as a. wes, zach, natalya or helena as b.

28. a & b have become known for club hopping all night and drinking too much when together, often forcing them to cancel plans with their other friends the day after. because of this, everyone else has grown to dislike the pair’s friendship, but that only forces them closer together. it’s true that all they really do together is encourage each other’s bad habits, but they’re too busy having fun to notice. (again. pals who need to sort their priorities out but will they ? probably not.) luma, elizabeth, percy, cici or constance as either.

29.  for years, a & b have been confusing others with their constantly changing relationship status. they will spend a few months in an exclusive relationship, a few months in an open relationship, then a few months apart, only to go back and start all over again. currently on their third month of being together, everyone is watching and waiting for the cracks to show before walking away from the relationship yet again. (break up..make up.. total ..waste of.. time) zach, paris, mindy or gia as either.

30. often labeled as high school sweethearts, a & b have been serious for years. for a long time, the two shared an extremely conventional relationship, both very happy with their situation. however, with their lives changing in recent years, changes to the relationship were unavoidable. both feel neglected by the other more often than not, but whenever an issue is brought up, it only leads to an argument. while everyone else expects the two to get engaged any day now, a & b often question if they still really want to be together. (they dont actually have 2 be high school sweethearts just a couple thats been together ... for a long while n things are getting rough.) arabella, ajay, beck, zach or aja as either. alternatively could be an exes plot n a few yrs after the breakup n i can offer rosie, helena, natalya & luke on top of the others.

31. once close friends, a & b drifted apart when other relationships got in the way. even though they saw a lot of each other following, things between the two have been tense for years. after sharing a kiss in a silly game at a recent party, a & b were able to have a laugh together for the first time in forever. since then, their friendship has been on the mend, but this may not be a good thing. with both noticing some romantic feelings growing them, they suspect that their relationship may come to an uglier end this time. (ex pals turned crushes who truly are not compatible) bobbie, beck, zach or rosie as either.

32. a & b’s relationship is only a few months old, and the two are still very much in the honeymoon phase of things. flashing their pet names and exciting dates on instagram, they’ve convinced themselves that things are perfect. however, a appears to have taken the agreement that things between them should remain as relaxed as possible a little more seriously than b would have liked. a often fails to invite b to certain events and outings, assuming they would prefer not to go anyway. this grates on b’s nerves, who is beginning to feel that a doesn’t spend enough time with them. (a new relationship struggling between being casual n legit) paris, aja, ajay or gia as a. arabella, zach or beck as b.

33. despite already knowing each other, a & b weren’t all that close before hooking up. their friends with benefits arrangement lasted for months before they began seeing other people more seriously. since calling it off, the two have remained incredibly close, leading others to believe that their relationship is more than platonic. (fwb turned just friends but like ... there is potential) wes, angel, bobbie, ajay, zach or rosie as either.

[cursivesugg]

Disastrous || Joe Sugg

Requests are currently [ OPEN ]

Masterlist can be found [ HERE ]

Word Count: 1.2k+

Summary: In which you and Joe broke up two years ago, and yet when he calls you up one night, slurring his words, you can't bring yourself to hand up.

Dedicated too: My little snowflake emilie, @emiliesnowflake , who personally requested a Joe imagine quite a few hours ago and I just couldnt let her go without.

Disastrous. That was the only word that could describe your past relationship with Joe. You were both far too young when it happened, and things progressed way too fast. You both fell head first into the ground and didn't know how to handle it. He'd only just moved to London and was living with Caspar Lee at the time; he was young and naive, and you were even younger and even more naive.

Your break up was messy, an hour of screaming and shouting and tears before eventually you just ended things and stormed out of his apartment, slamming the door behind you and only ever hearing from him once after that. He sent you a text the next morning, after you spent the night sobbing into your pillow, that simply read 'I'm sorry'.

You read it, but didn't bother to reply. It wasn't worth it; the relationship had been toxic, and by then you'd both become more of a brand than a couple. You knew that your fns would wonder why you suddenly weren't in any of Joe's videos, and even more so his vlogs; but you pushed that worry away and focused on yourself for a while. You hadn't done that in a while.

You stared at yourself in the mirror for hours, questioning very detail about yourself - until finally you logged onto twitter and began replying to some tweets, reassuring everyone that you were okay but would just be absent from social media for a few days seeing as you needed some time to yourself.

Just reading the loving messages that people had sent you, even the short text you'd received from Zoe, which simply had two red hearts; and even though they may not have seemed like much to anyone else - they really meant the entire world. You initially thought that everything would fall apart, but your friendships held strong and even when Joe revealed that the two of you had intact broken up in a Q&A two weeks later, the fans didn't choose sides. Instead they supported you both, and it made you feel wonderful.

Now, three years later, you still thought back to your days with Joe on occasion, and instead of making you sad, it made you smile. Your relationship hadn't ended well, and you would forever regret letting that happen, but you'd shared a few tweets and you knew for a fact that he still watched your videos and ditto. He still meant so much to you: even if things could never go back to how they were before. He was your first real relationship, and you'd forever cherish that.

But the moment you received a phone call from Zoe in the middle of the night, you knew that maybe, everything wasn't so alright. You were already awake, like the night owl you were, and so you answered the call within seconds, your face scrunched up worriedly. "Zo, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Has someone died? Oh god I hope nobody's died." You squeezed your eyes closed and forced yourself to stop your nervous rambling, but when nobody on the other end of the line spoke, you quickly made sure they hadn't hung up before frowning and pressing the phone beck against your ear. "Zoe, are you there?"

"I'm sorry.."

The familiar voice on the other end of the line made your eyes widen, but you scramble dup onto your knees nonetheless and held onto the phone tightly. "Joe?"

"I'm sorry for making you think I was Zoe, but I knew you wouldn't answer if I called you from my phone." His words were slurred, and you knew immediately that there was no way he was sober. He giggles on the other end of the line, and you couldn't help but purse your lips in an attempt to hide your smile. "Did you know, that I think about you all the time?"

You know you should probably hang up, and text Alfie and ask him to go and check up on the obviously pissed man - but instead you decide to keep him happy and stay on the phone. To be honest, you'd missed his voice more than you were willing to admit. You smile softly at his admission and shake your head, almost forgetting that he couldn't see you. "You do?"

"Mhm. I miss you every single day." His voice is quiet, soft and gentle as you hear him shuffle around a little. He sighs, and you can almost picture the sleepy pout on his face. "I wish you were here with me so I could tell you that I'm sorry."

As he speaks, you get comfortable on your bed, and frown sadly at his words. "Why're you sorry?"

He sniffles, and your heart clenches in your chest. "I just- that night, when we broke up, I was wrong. I was so so wrong and I shouldn't have shouted at you and I'm sorry."

You press your lips together as a tear rolls down your cheek, and you laugh, but your voice cracks mid-way through. "It's okay, Joe. Wo were too young, too immature. We would never have worked, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah," he breathes out slowly, and she chews on the inside of her cheek nervously, waiting for his next words. "I just wish that instead of screaming at eachother we'd have spoken calmly about our feelings. Maybe things would've been different, maybe you'd be here with me now.."

You blink quickly and glance to your left of the photo of you and him whilst on holiday in Italy, something you'd never quite been able to bring yourself to move. "We would've snapped eventually, Joe. It was just a matter of time, and you know that."

"It doesn't matter! I still miss you!" He raises his voice, overwhelmed with emotion after speaking to you directly for the first time in two years. You flinch a little, not expecting the volume of voice. "I miss you every single day and body understand why, but I do! I love you, I love you so fucking much and I don't know why I still do and why I can't stop myself from feeling this way but that's just the way it is."

"Joe, I need you to calm down, okay?" Your voice is calm, but on the inside you're whole stomach is turning. "Listen to me, love, I need you to take a deep breath, and then hang up the phone, okay? Then you'll go and drink a big glass of water, give your sister her phone back, and get some rest. Can you do that for me?"

He hums softly. "Why can't you be the one to hang up?"

You smile sadly, and shake your head. "I don't think I'll be able too."

You both stay quiet for a while, simply listening to eachother breath before Joe inhales suddenly. "Goodnight, princess."

You squeeze your eyes shut at the familiar nickname, and have to force a reply out of your mouth. "Goodnight, Joe. Get some rest."

"Okay." He sighs, and you wait patiently until you can no longer hear him breathing on the other end of the line before dropping the phone onto the bed and running your hands down your face.

"Fuck."

[interestedinthosegirls]

i absolutely do not want to live anymore...

so this is fun. it's great, right? waking up every morning and for a split second everything is okay, my mind is at peace and my heart is beating normally... then all at once it comes crashing back to me like a tsunami. it hits me hard as i struggle to run, but my legs don't turn over fast enough, so i try to jump to get to higher ground, but my legs aren't strong enough, and i try to grab onto something to hold myself in one place, but my grip isn't tight enough. but i'm trying. i am trying so damn hard to hold on, to stay safe, to take what is coming for me with bravery or just because i've been given no other choice. and it's making me so weak. i can't tell if the tsunami is just the tears i cried the night before, or all of my love you pushed away. either way, it's all coming back to me, and it happens everyday...many times a day. because sometimes i'm surrounded by good people and good times and all of a sudden it's like i can't catch a break and i'm reminded of you, then of what you did, then of how you are now, and how i can't fix anything anymore. how no matter how hard i try to show the good that i am, it will never be good enough, as if you don't want good anymore. as if good is now the bad taste in your mouth and you naively think going after bad things will put a better one there. what we need is a clean slate, because i'm done running, i'm tired. i'm trying to stand tall but i can barely pick up my head with my shoulders slumped while i'm on my knees with my hands slightly holding each other. i only know what's behind me and it was comfortable but it was toxic. they say there's comfort in the bottom of a swimming pool, and they're right. the feeling of potentially letting out all of the air in your lungs just to be left to gasp a mouth full of water and let it all go... to not try anymore. that temporary feeling of relief you might get just before it all goes dark. but do i really want that? do i want to give up hope and everything i've lived through just to go out with a shameful goodbye? no... no i don't. before i met you, i didn't cry as much. i didn't second guess myself. i didn't know a lot either. i only knew what i knew and i wanted to know what you knew. but you seemed to handle the things you knew better than i. because once i knew them... they started to destroy me. i couldn't remember how to forget, i didn't want to forgive, and i tried so hard to protect you from anything bad. i was your fallen angel who tried to be your guardian angel. and maybe i learned from my favorite book, that that is how to love. and i thought i'd be exactly that, i'd do everything for you and you'd appreciate it, you'd cherish it and never let me go. but i was wrong, so wrong. learning to love does not come from books, it comes from you and i. it comes from the communication between us and the commitment we put forth to stay happy and to try when things get hard. and maybe we didn't try. but darling, it's been a long time coming, the good was too good, and the bad was just awful. i was ready to give up everything i knew i was for you, and you were about to take it. and i was about to let you. if i could end our story in a better way, it would be with a paragraph of hope. it would hope for you to change, to see how bad you have become, and it would hope that i didn't move on once you realized. it would hope for you to come back and apologize and for me to listen and not tell you how you feel. it would hope that you'd also then listen to me and hear what i have to say about everything and about you. it would hope that you'd see clearly through my eyes how bad i got, and then how much worse you made me. it would hope that you'd stop acting selfish and calling it okay. it would hope that you'd call to say you missed me and ask to talk things out. it would hope for me to get closure. it would hope for us to take things one step at a time because maybe we were meant for each other and you just couldn't handle not knowing. maybe just maybe we would work, if we both tried really hard to become better people and to love equally and to grow together and to become eachothers happiness again. but that's just hope... and i'm nowhere near being able to see you let hope guide us. because you gave up. you left. you decided what you wanted to do. and how can i ever get over that? after you made me feel like Everything was a lie, how can i try again? i would, but it wouldn't be the same. not unless you tried harder than me. and you told me, you want easy. well love ain't easy. it never was, it never will be. and you would need to be someone committed to trying your hardest to make things work, but right now... you just aren't ready. you don't want to. this is already too long, but if you read this... i have things i need to say. there are things i need answers to if you could just stop ruining your life for a few seconds and take the time to talk to me, i won't beg you, but you owe me this at the very least. and it's time to step up, to stop hiding. so maybe i can stop hurting, and start wanting to live again.