#- to be honest (idk why i torture myself by liking sad media it just happens :'-) )

[localspaceangel]

my brain just reminded me that stag beetles and broken legs is a REALLY GOOD hollow knight fanfic that exists and i dont remember if i ever talked about it back when i was reading it?? anyways its good i should probably read it again someday and to hollow knight fans who haven't - i recommend it!

[pridewon]

1. What is your favorite trope to rp? 13. Is there one trope you can’t stand? 20. Do you need music/noise to write or do you prefer silence?

waves around a giant foam finger to celebrate being a big fan of the pridewon blog idk if you've heard of it

@pontevoix (munday memes)

pridewho, never heard of ‘em, who’s that loser.

1. favourite trope to rp? okay here is the thing, i love tropes with all my heart, but mostly insofar as i’m allowed to play with them, and give them a lil twist (especially when it comes to romance-related tropes). with that being said, my top absolute favourite trope of all times is probably siblings with a strained relationship - which may or may not explain why i latched onto the miya twins like a feral kitten to be honest. bonus points added to the fact that they are twins, another trope that i love while simultaneously hating the whole mystification of twins in popular media, but the fact that the miya twins are not your typical, stereotypical “speak in unison and can read each other’s minds” twins, and that i have consistently had rp partners who were more than willing to embrace them as brothers who happened to be twin, rather than as a single entity (blows kisses to cassi and saturn my beloveds) made this dynamic my absolute favourite to write about on this blog. the big brother/sister trope (actual older sibling or found) is a very close second.

13. a trope i can’t stand? again, my main issue with tropes is when they are really tired and cliché and sometimes even problematic. the latter i flat out ban from my blog and don’t tolerate from myself or rp partners, the former... i try to avoid them (but no one’s perfect) and obviously everyone is allowed to do/like whatever they want/like! so i suppose it’s less tropes i can’t stand and more trope i’m not interested in. to name one, i suppose “unhppy character with a really sad and tragic backstory and you just keep adding to the horror again and again and again” which, after a while, kind of turns into a pity party and weird tragedy fest? like i get it, your character is sad and unhappy and had a rough life, but i always find it... kind of weird when people revel in it like “wow this character has already lost their entire family... what if i make them lose their friends in gruesome circumstances, and also their right arm and left leg and then they’re also betrayed by their s/o who then aLSO DIES and they get TORTURED and -- “ like okay, that’s a bit much for me mate. but then again - people are free to do what they wanna do, whatever floats their boat. it’s just not my cup of tea, an after experiencing a fair bunch of such rpers in a previous rp community, i would rather avoid it (thankfully it’s a very hard trope to justify in the haikyuu universe bhvf). 

20. music/noise or silence? it largely depends on when i write and what happened during the day. generally i like to have music while i write, but i also have sensory processing issues, that happen to be mostly of the auditory variety, so if i write after work during the week, i’m usually already in sensory overdrive from office sounds and discussions, and... “silence” is not really silence because the neighbours’ dogs/the birds outside/street noises/my laptop are providing background noise anyway. after a workday, that’s usually more than enough to keep me focused while not straining my last remaining braincells.

[sarah-serendipity-other-things2]

An update and temp goodbye from this blog

I made this blog recently in an attempt to let some stuff out that I couldn’t even work through with friends or family. Because I was just not being honest with myself fully or even them to the level an anonymous blog would allow me to be. Essentially for a long time. Longer than I would care to admit. I’ve been ignoring my heart and operating in a way that, to be clear, was me. But wasn’t the me I like to be. When I date someone. Or at least when I dated my first love I am all in. Nobody and nothing else matters to me in a room alone with that person. Like. He was my world. I would have done anything for him.

And a lot of my personality in general. I would do anything, like Jump in front of a train for anyone I love. I just hate to upset anyone and I want to just protect everyone. So. Long story short. I ran from my first love. And he ran from me and blocked me out. And in so many ways we were just kids in a love that we both knew would lead to marriage and we both got afraid, because we both had so much trust in the other and as a result so much fear. And since him. I would laugh as I dated other people and be like damn I got some commitment issues now why is that. And would just laugh it off. But in reality and what I realized through these last few months. I had commitment issues because my heart was never fully with me. It still in many ways belonged to A. So I never really stood a chance with anyone else. And it wasn’t fair to them.

I dated another amazing guy for many years but he and I have been honest with one another. And we knew for awhile things were not okay. But he’s such a great guy he wants nothing but to see me succeed and figure out my mental health as it has declined to a level that scared him and my family and friends. Unfortunately the reality of the situation with him is. I have to focus on me and my mental health but he also knows fully. I’m in love with my first love. In a way. Idk how to explain. It has always felt. Like. I was attached to him by a string. And it makes me cry to even start to write this. Because I think in some silly way I hope one day he stumbles upon these words. But I know he probably never will.

But people have been asking me why I’ve dropped off the face of social media. Gone MIA. been so sad. And all I say is. Oh I’m just going through it. But how do you say: the man I’ve been with for years wanted to marry me and I could never agree because I recently let myself feel what needed to. And I haven’t felt the same about anyone like I did with A. And knowing I hurt A and yes he has hurt me in ways that have broken me, but fundamentally knowing he was hurting and felt the same way as me this entire time we just weren’t brave enough to pull the plug. Knowing I ever caused someone I love and respect and admire so much, pain, has been overwhelming. And the boy I have been seeing. Knowing I caused similar pain to such a great guy because I mean. He can’t be A. and I can’t keep hoping he will somehow become A. It isn’t fair to him. Knowing I’m gonna be single for awhile.

It’s heavy. As an empath knowing all this pain has been caused feeling it all and your own at once. I mean. If I’m being honest it nearly killed me. And I’ve had really bad days but I’m feeling like. I’m finally working my way out of it. But before. My friends and family almost had to call doctors. My best friend was so desparate watching me drop so much weight she did something I can’t even be mad at her for. It’s just been a wild journey. I’ve never been so heart broken and overwhelmed. And i can say it now. Because i hope and pray I’m out of the thick of it. But I was contemplating ending everything, and taking myself out of the equation. Because for me I just felt everyone’s pain and I was like well I guess I caused this by not realizing what I realize now so I should just remove myself to make everyone’s lives easier. And it was a super dark place. One I don’t know if I’m fully out of. But. I’m healed enough to talk about it here more. But it was scary. My family almost lost me. And I say this praying this isn’t just a temp fix and I don’t go back to that place.

So. I say all this and tbh. I could keep ranting for years. And I’m so happy this is private. But. There’s so much more to it. Today I feel like giving up. Like I’ve fought the fight for my person I’ve done so many months of praying and hoping and checking whatever I can to make sure he’s okay. And today is just. I had dreams all about him. And it feels like. If this person is meant for me then I leave it to the universe now to make it happen. I am killing myself trying to be apart of his life. Show him I care. But at some point he’s gotta show me the same. Neither of us are gonna be successful in any future relationship if we don’t heal or. If we don’t admit the truth and try if it is as special a connection as we both had believed. Then fuck let’s try.

But I can’t make that type of decision for both of us. So I’m not giving up on him fully. But I’m releasing or giving up my focus on him doing what I hope I want him to do. I believe in him. And I love him. And my god when he smiles. And laughs. I feel safe and happy. And I know. If he was ever truly honest with himself, If he pictured me walking in a room with him. What would he do? I know he would hug me. And we would run to one another. The intensity in our connection physically and mentally is just unmatched. But unfortunately distance plays a role that allows him to mentally distance himself from me.

And unfortunately I can’t keep putting words and emotions in his mouth. He has to speak and have the courage to say what he feels so we can heal together. I love him in a way I will never be able to explain to anyone. And I want him back. But I need to let the universe and him. Take control of his own life.

So this leads me to this blog. I loved this blog for awhile but lately it’s been a bit of torture seeing so many sad quotes I relate to. Seeing love quotes and songs that make me think of him. It’s just becoming a bit much. So I’m taking a temporary hiatus. I’m trusting in the universe and him. And I’m not going to be posting for as long as I mentally need to step back

I hate the word giving up. So for now I’m just. Stepping back. And I love and pray. The solution and resolution is on its way. I love you A. And I’m sorry things got messy but if I’m ever going to be ready for any love like ours if it can’t be with you, I need to heal myself too.

Bye for now.