#- but you shouldn’t hide behind feminism or the patriarchy to say that.

[humormehorny]

And it so often does.

I feel like Anna Akana puts it best here:

was talking to my mom about the trend of (cis) (femme) women saying "i'm a feminist but men/butches/mascs should always pay for dinner" stuff and just. if i've said it once i'll say it a million times. feminism is not "being nice to women."

like if someone offers to pay for anything, you are not obligated to deny them For The Sake of Feminism. its a nice thing to do for a date or a partner. but for one, I think we should always be suspicious of treating things popular in patriarchal culture as something secretly feminism, especially when its related to how interactions between men and women should go. and two, putting yourself in a position as a marginalized gender, where you expect to be dependent on a cis man for financial support, is potentially dangerous. its good and healthy to establish financial independence. and three its just nice to have displays of equality and partnership in a relationship. idk man putting that kind of expectation on a partner simply for their gender/gender expression would make me feel gross and mean.

[transwrongs]

anyways. after scrolling thru like ten or twenty “gender criticaI” blogs i’ve realised that a lot of transphobic people who claim to be “criticaI” of gender are like…? extremely not that? like i’m scrolling and scrolling reading post after post waiting to find some profoundly transphobic argument that idk i hadn’t seen before ? or was articulated in a way that i actually found worthy deconstructing but… no you see a bunch of people kinda whining about trans women(they’ve shifted to a vague ‘certain demographic’ or ‘gender ideology’ as the enemy but it’s the same thing) and fear mongering (lying) about trans women. they all make the same generalised, very uncritical assessments of society at large.

certain transphobic people on tumblr will say the craziest fucking things about women and men and expect everyone to just believe them. “no woman would choose to shave herself if it weren’t for the beauty industry” how can you possibly know that? i mean normal people know that’s not true but why do YOU think that’s true???? or like,

generally uncritical wrt intersectionality. because misogyny is enemy number one, stuff like racism and ableism takes a backseat to “all women normal all men evil”. to them, it matters a lot that women are seen as the only victims that Matter. the discrimination/marginalisation you feel outside of that is secondary.

so, Black men? sorry but you’re still men so White Women’s role in your subjugation/fetishisation doesn’t matter, don’t talk about it or else you’re a sexist who’s hiding behind “white women” to espouse your misogyny. *seriously i haven’t seen any posts discussing race and it’s intersection with gender except to criticise its use in analysing gender. that is fundamentally an uncritical take.

you’re not allowed to criticise women (~4 billion people) and their objective role in perpetuating and maintaining patriarchy/misogyny. or well, i shouldn’t say ‘not allowed’; women are criticised constantly by people who claim to be vehemently against it. women who “bow down” to “gender ideology”, women who wear makeup, women who love men, women who shave, women who generally do not Woman the Right way. but that’s their way is only way you’re allowed to criticise women. because, you see, they have the Right opinions about women and what’s good for them. critiques of the beauty and porn industry are extremely valid and holding women accountable for their roles in both are fundamental to feminism. but that’s not what these people are doing,,, they aren’t critical of women as perpetrators of a larger system (like men are) they are critical of women as if they are traitors…. as if they are betrayers or victims who don’t know what’s good for them and not, ya know, women making conscious and unconscious choices inspired by myriad of lived experiences (like we all are (including men))

if you believe female separatism is a real viable tactic for female liberation you are extremely uncritical of the world around you (and falling for fascist rhetoric). if you unironically think that you can split a line down the middle of the entire human population and make a clean break between man and woman, not only are you extremely uncritical of the world around you, you are also an idiot (and falling for fascist rhetoric).

ultimately i don’t think there is a single definition of feminism that can include all woman and exclude all men without being bad feminism. you cannot force women to live the way you want them to (like… i know you know how bad it is to tell women what to do?? you claim to be very critical of industries under capitalism that specifically exploit women and are designed to exploit women……?) whether you like it or not women have men in their lives who love them and who they love back. wanting to take that from them isn’t feminism, sorry. no amount of you pretending this isn’t the case is going to do anything except confuse/hurt you and women everywhere.

[yukishirostar]

I love many things about Zoro’s character but I wanted to talk about one thing in particular I really love about his character. And that is his supportive attitude towards fellow female swordsmen.

This is one of the very first moments in the series that made me love Zoro’s character. Kuina says she fears she will fall behind as a swordsman because of her sex/gender. To which Zoro responds in a pretty blunt way that he isn’t having it and is showing frustration with the apparent obstacle Kuina believes she will be facing. Regardless of whether biological females can match the physical strength of biological males or not, it doesn’t matter. Zoro has always had the attitude of believing you shouldn’t say no to something without trying. He makes a promise with her to encourage her and show that she is supported. His attitude may be for slightly selfish reasons, that his rival wants to back out for what he perceives to be a stupid reason. He’s not like “I feel sorry for your struggles as a woman and we should destroy the patriarchy” or anything, but one of the most basic aspects of feminism is about respecting the capabilities of women and allowing them equal opportunities, its the fact Zoro seems to believe in this that is deserving of my respect. 

Also, another interesting thing to note, Zoro does actually have some traditional views on gender particularly on masculinity. Thus far in the story the only teacher and parent figure in Zoro’s early life was Koushiro who we can assume taught him a lot of his beliefs. He also happens to be the one who told Kuina that she couldn’t do it, and yet Zoro goes against his viewpoint without hesitation. (also another reason we could do with more Zoro backstory because I feel there’s more to his character beyond just his dojo experience. Zoro seems to have already have developed some of his own established views at his age that differ from Koushiro’s and there could be more to that. Just my opinion anyway) 

In this scene, Tashigi was talking the talk believing Zoro didn’t have the will to take down a female. We know because of Zoro’s history he wouldn’t have that attitude but Tashigi misinterpreted Zoro’s behaviour towards her in the past. Instead of saying “you’re weaker than me you’ll just waste my time I’ll do it” or something like that, Zoro allows Tashigi the opportunity to defeat Monet since she’s so confident about it. Its not because Tashigi is female, but because she probably reminds Zoro of Kuina and also as a rival swordsman he wants to see her skills. Zoro knows she is weaker than him at this point but he lets her have the opportunity to take down Monet anyway. He only intervenes when Tashigi is in danger and is struggling, but lets her have the finishing blow. He encourages her as a rival who he probably believes has more potential to live up to. 

This is a less impactful but still good instance with Okiku in Wano. In this scene Kiku is playing up the “weak female” or “damsel in distress” role by hiding behind Zoro. However, Zoro is aware of Kiku’s capabilities as a samurai and that she has the ability to defend herself. Its not because he doesn’t care at all for her wellbeing, but he doesn’t believe her gender and timid act gives her the need for his protection when she is fully capable herself. 

So like I said, its not as if Zoro is some super feminist or anything and he has  pretty simplistic view on things. He’s not an overly sensitive person either and states his opinions very bluntly. But his supportive attitude towards female counterparts and his belief in their abilities is one of the many reasons I love Zoro’s character :)

[zcldrizes-a]

You can’t attempt to validate two strong female characters when you make them dick whipped by all the ships and men around them. Their stories don’t revolve around MEN. Thought a ‘feminist’ like you could grasp how that makes female muse writers feel.

Okay, I wasn’t going to reply to this but this is going to bea bit of an educational moment, given that whoever sent this clearly has noconcept of feminism or what feminism entails. And if you’re going to continuegoing around using that as a weapon for your anon spiels then we shouldprobably make sure you’re at least going to use it right. And before anyone jumpsdown my throat for replying to anons and ‘fuelling the drama’ – rather thanbitch at me for standing up for myself, maybe focus that disdain and judgmenton the person sending them instead, because they’re the ones who deserveit.

First of all. I’m so fucking sick and tired ofpeople putting this obligation on women to write female muses a certain way. Idon’t see anyone on here jumping down the throat of male muses who ship withdifferent women because it makes them any less ‘strong’ for having romanticrelationships. Strength in women doesn’t mean that woman can’t claim control ofher sexuality, it doesn’t mean that they can’t be in relationships, andimportantly, it doesn’t reduce their character in any way, shape, or form to bewith someone romantically, to have children, to do anything of those things.Feminism isn’t forcing women into a certain archetype for a self imposedobligation of what women need to do to satisfy your desire to overthrow the patriarchyby forcing it down the throats of women who just want to fucking live their life.

Rather than criticise me for shipping with different people ( all fucking fewof them because it’s not that many ) – do you, anon, intend to send anonsto every male muse on tumblr criticising them for the same thing? Do you intendto condemn ships in general? Do you, yourself, prescribe to differentships? Because if so, doesn’t that make you a hypocrite for doing the samething? Why is it men are allowed to do whatever they want in relationships, andit doesn’t damage their credibility or characterisation in any way? Why is itthat a male muse who ships with dozens of others is empowered by that, and madestronger because it feeds into theories about men who have sex being dominantwhen it comes to the hierarchy – but the moment a female muse does it, suddenlythey lose all integrity as an independent character? How is that any differentto shaming a women for having sex, or for losing her virginity, but celebratinga man for doing exactly the same thing? It’s 2019, grow the fuck up.

Feminism wasn’t intended to force women to do or act incertain ways to change society – it was supposed to exist to change society tosay that women could do or say or be anything they wanted to be, and fuckanyone who criticised them for it just because they were a woman.Feminism said if you were a woman who wanted to fuck a thousand men, no oneshould ever have the right to tell you that was wrong. And importantly,feminism meant you shouldn’t be judged for whatever you chose to be. And as anempowered and strong woman, who takes pride in writing strong women, I’mstraight up offended that for all of the dozens of threads I’ve written and thehundreds of headcanons I’ve posted, you’ve erased every single bit ofcreativity I’ve put out there to focus on the fact that I have a handful ofships. Literally you have done what you accuse me of doing, and narrowed downmy characterisation and my muse to just relationships, and shame on youfor doing that.

So yes – I will continue to write Daenerys Targaryen andcelebrate her sexuality and her choices, and if she chooses to fuck one person,or a hundred, I will support every choice she makes in doing so. Because fuckanyone who tells her she isn’t strong just because she finds some form ofhappiness in those relationships. And yes, I will continue to write NatashaRomanoff, and celebrate her in exactly the same way. They are both strongwomen, and they are strong regardless of who they ship with, and shippingwith someone doesn’t make their stories matter any less or changewho that narrative revolves around, regardless of the details of the plot.Shaming me for writing that is no better than slut shaming, which I’m guessingis something you’re probably supposed to be opposed to, given how woke you seemto be in feminism.

But while we’re here, let’s point out a few other things, shallwe?

Let’s ignore the fact you’re imposing conditions on other womento tell them how you think strong women should act – and let’signore the fact that apparently women who have relationships or children arebad women or bad feminists according to your generalisations – and let’s alsoignore the fact male muses are immune to this kind of critique. Let’s talkabout the fact that feminism doesn’t and shouldn’t look like just one thing.Let’s talk about the fact that feminism was created to empower women, and thatit’s something that shouldn’t be used as a battering ram to put down otherwomen, or to quote Emma Watson, a stick to beat them with just because you don’tlike the way that woman acts. That, in itself, is anti feminist. That, initself, is fucked up. And that in itself is something I take the utmost offenceto, because it uses something that’s meant to be safe and comforting for womenas another weapon to put them down. We live in a world and a time where so manyother things out there oppress women in so many ways – don’t take the one thingthat keeps us safe and use that to put me down.

Lastly, I just want to throw one thing out there. If I’mhurting women who are ‘writing other female muses’ – then for any of those womenwho feel as though I’m bad for whatever reason, unfollow me. I owe noobligation to act a certain way just to appease other people. But if yourconcern is protecting people who write female muses – I am a female who writes thosefemale muses, and there’s clearly been no thought of how shaming me like thismakes me feel. And I would love to know if the person who wrote this is male (because I don’t even need to touch on how paternalistic this is, if so ) orfemale – because if I’m hurting people who write female muses, then this is themost hypocritical thing anyway.

Throwing terms like ‘dick whipped’ at me is themost foul form of slut shaming that I’ve seen in a long time, and it’s almostas offensive as erasing everything I’ve done and built for the sake of only beingconcerned with the ships I write.

Next time you’re going to critique how a female writes afemale muse, don’t hide behind the lense of feminism to do it ( let alone anon,because genuinely there’s nothing worse ). Just own up to the fact you’re acoward who needs to find some form of legitimacy because you know how much youlack in the first place – but sorry to say, this isn’t it.

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

Hey, I’m the anon that asked panicsinning about the daddy thing. I’m seeing it in a significant portion of the fics I try to read at the minute (not just Brendon fics, but I seem to find more of them with him!) and I’m not into it at all. It kinda sucks. There are so many other ways to write a dominant Brendon, if that’s what people want, but as soon as I see the daddy thing I gotta close the tab like no thank u. And especially if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable

i think we’re dealing with the fall out of a generation of 90s and 2000s people raised on internet porn. i’ve noticed–this is evident on wattpad n tumblr especially–that a lot of smut is written by junior high n high school girls too, whose go to source is other smut fics by youn’uns n internet porn. like you could see that at work too on aooo n livejournal, but that stuff tended to be more grounded in real life experience/realistic n the writers skewed older–late teens n 20s on those–recorded porn was also less…fucked up in the 90s-early 00s n things that are mainstream now used to be fringe n avoidable. another thing i’ve noticed in fics: lack of solidarity with other women and girls–a lot of monstering of other females, who are usually portrayed as “whores” (this has a long history though–i remember the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in a lot of romance novels, vc andrews books, etc–tv shows n movies based around conflict between girls, the idea that women and girls are crueler to girls than boys are when the reverse is true, women getting angry at the “other woman” and not their dickhead men)

(trigger warning for me ranting about the content of pornography, the sexual status quo, etc)

i watched straight porn from about 8-12 from 95-99 and i don’t remember ever seeing pia for example. porn is now absolutely obsessed with men anally penetrating women with their dicks (if you are on a porn site, you will quickly see it guaranfuckingteed), particularly the damage that can result from it (eg “gaping,” women saying they can’t handle it *on camera* and the scene still continuing, “she’ll need an ambulance when we’re done with her”). there wasn’t much “deep throat”/”throat fucking” fellatio (i hate those terms–we are looking at throat rape) either, but now porn is obsessed with that too. it also used to be more about showing at least the performance of female pleasure and orgasm (usually faked of course) but now that is largely irrelevant and clear indications of pain are not only kept in, but intentionally there. piv that’s not a cervix bashing is hard to find, scenes without piv even harder (and they’re usually brief clips), and “sex” for men generally and pornographers in particular starts at piv–like if there isn’t at least “regular fucking” it doesn’t even register as sexual and worth watching to most.

“vanilla porn” has a lot of bdsm themes in it as discussed above as well as slapping, spitting, ejaculating on women’s faces, misogynist namecalling, “ass to mouth” and the hetero bdsm porn online is absolutely–we’re talking witch hunt and slavery levels of torture. in both, women are punished for the crime of being born female. based in aggrieved male entitlement–like men are punishing women for having any boundaries, desires of their own, telling them no outright or no to certain sex acts. any sexuality in women reduced to “fuck hole” (or a dewey eyed bisexual–tropes around female-female sexuality in porn are more varied i will admit but ultimately about viewer, typically male, titillation. femdom is also usually paid for by the man, and all about what he wants, and most of the domination and pain is both mild in comparison to what women are put through and based in feminizing him–comparing him to a woman, calling him gay, saying he has a small “ineffective” dick, calling his anus a pussy, etc. women are also often in absolutely ridiculous uncomfortable outfits n shoes.). a lot of humiliation, dom/sub–it’s really difficult for me to watch but it’s like men are in a contest with each other, expressing sexuality together, with women as the targets–seeing who can humiliate and hurt women the most–make her wish she’d never been born. man=sadist, and female=hole. (and a lot of the women making porn play that same game too.)

under this, girls are developing their sexuality, with the above porn online, and either just a general lack of information from school and parents, or a specifically religious tinge to discussions of sexuality as being sinful, shameful in women (and gay/bi men). sex=piv=sex, and pia is 5th base and you shouldn’t have hang ups about fucking bc it’s what girls and women are made for and like. things that women can do together don’t get transferred to sex with men at all, or at best MAY make it in as foreplay–sex is pole in hole, silly ho–not rubbing off on him (esp if you want to rub on a part or in a position that makes him feel like a girl), or getting oral, or masturbating in front of him, or him using his hand on you, or using toys together… women and girls are the gatekeepers for male sexuality and responsible for men’s actions and either natural saints or whores who need to either save men from the bad women (who deserve what men do to them, regardless of how cruel or sadistic or destructive–she wanted it if it happened at all–made him do it) or embrace their roles as cumsluts (liberated sexuality is doing what the pornographers tell you to, you go girl and suck that cock and have piv while you have few if any orgasms, don’t even feel that turned on and comfortable, and just put on a good show! lol don’t you know that focusing on yr clit n vulva is for masturbation and girl-girl action, if you focus on that silly part at all. or just rub your clit while he’s using whichever of your holes he wants–the sex positive solution. or spend years thinking you’re broken, to find out not orgasming during piv is normal, and just continue having it n taking hormonal birth control n praying for your period to arrive on time.)

there is a lot telling women and girls to find dangerous, possessive, sadistic, controlling, etc men sexy, and obviously this works–increasingly women are consuming porn, the success of the twilight novels, 50 shades of abusive gaslighting n pitying the poor poor dude who is just a hurt puppy (who can fucking kill you), advising already traumatized women to “work through their trauma” with a male sadist/top, telling women and girls that “daddy kink” is hot as fuck (ignore the fact that father-daughter incest is probably statistically the most traumatic form of child sexual abuse there is n hide it behind “it’s just a bit of kinky fun n letting him feel like a real man n letting you surrender to yourself n letting him take care of you” gaslighting), the whole mess of “sex positive feminism” (this is not what anne koedt, shere hite, audre lorde, etc were talking about folks) and repainting feminism (the fight for women’s liberation from patriarchy and the end of male violence) as about consumerist choices (particularly around conforming to beauty standards, partaking in prostitution industries) and saying women are not a class and women aren’t oppressed because of male desire to control our sexuality and reproduction but because we have inner feminine souls/brains and if you’re not a walking stereotype n don’t feel like one you’re not really female n sex is a free for all n not political at all (except for slutshaming bc women often are what men call us n shouldn’t be shamed for it–we should embrace it as empowerment) n trust women unless they say something you don’t agree with then they are monsters who kill with their words unlike men (even the ones who do kill) who aren’t why we feel unsafe (those bad women over there made them do it n besides, women are worse than men)… 

holy fuck this is quite the rant! i need to get back to writing the smutty times with beebs ;)

tl;dr this environment is ripe for girls finding “daddy kink” sexy because it encapsulates more explicitly what flows through our everyday sexual lives, media, etc. already. like the question shouldn’t be “why are some into daddy kink” but “why is there an intense focus on dom/sub, top/bottom, adult/child, male/female, penetrator/penetrated… dichotomies and roles in the first place?” or “how could so many *not* be drawn to it?” i remember reading explicit romance novels and this dom/sub, piv-oriented, etc relation was as common as air in them (they were generally way worse than graphic western novels n even worse than a lot of recorded porn back then), even the ones where the women were into equality outside of the bedroom. you can also see this in gay porn, where there is also this focus on pia and top/bottom roles, changing the way gay men have sex outside of porn too–like older gay/bi men see pia and roles attached to it as far less pivotal in their understanding and experience of sex than young gay/bi men do. (jesus christ gal get back on topic…) 

daddy/little (or kitten or princess or slut or…) confirms the way things should be: male control, authority, female deference, submission, etc. independence in women is punished. female desire for sexual pleasure and affection is denigrated. the amount of fics where women are punished or shamed for masturbating in front of him or on her own or rubbing herself on him by the daddy/dom! i can’t even… told not to, called bad for doing it…had their hand slapped away…physically punished for doing it. it’s seen as a distraction from the man’s Very Important Stuff at best, whether that stuff is nonsexual or what he wants to do to her sexually. sexuality is presented as a punishment for women (not so far from god’s condemnation of eve are we?), but something we desire simultaneously. like we should be punished for wanting, as if our wanting men or a man means we should be hurt by him/them. spanking is a humiliation and pain ritual a la abusive fathers with belts/forceful hands/tree branches/whips through the patriarchal ages, creating welts and tears and humiliation. females are *done to* and males *do*. even sucking dick becomes something men do to women by pushing her head down, pushing into her throat, etc as tears well up. outside of fic, women take painkillers and use numbing gels to endure it. the sexiest women are like little girls, and the sexiest men are controlling fathers. men *have to* hurt us, to let us know what we did wrong, so we can try to behave better next time. women need someone telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. telling us and showing us what we are for. men need to feel like real men, and women like real women–nothing is worse than an uppity woman making a man feel like a he’s not an avatar of masculinity, or however he sees himself–quit trying to emasculate men, unless they are into forced feminization of course n are paying for you to do what they want you to, are topping from the bottom. never challenge male self-image, especially in sex. know your place, and tell yourself you are precious, and cared for, and pampered by a benevolent master. daddy kink is the sexiest sex to ever sex, n vanilla is just so boring… why settle for lights out missionary piv when you can be choked n slapped n entered anally? those are your two choices. you’re not a prude are you? quit being so sex negative. quit policing these wild sexy desires in people. quit erasing and killing us with anything you might think or say to contradict this.

we live in a world where men get away with murdering women based on “rough sex gone wrong” defenses, even to the point where people think it reasonable that a native woman in prostitution bled to death after “consensual” piv with a john (when he likely sliced open the inside of her vagina with a knife based on the extent of her injury, let alone the belief that lethal injury can be consented to period let alone within prostitution), athletes are acquitted of rape when they gang rape a woman into several hours of bleeding from a vaginal injury (and she named it rape from the get go, the men were bragging and trying to get her to keep quiet), wives are murdered by boyfriends in “50 shades games gone wrong” that *she* wanted (considering she is the dead one not him...), people think *unconscious* women and girls are “consenting” whether strangled into unconsciousness or drugged or sleeping..., and another woman was literally choked to death during throat rape by the man she loved (the focus in that courtroom and the media? His allegedly big dick--how could he have helped himself, not killed her, with such a big cock? Injuring women with big dicks is so entertaining n humourous!). A male sadist is more likely to kill you than give you an amazing time in bed. More likely to claim it’s all fun n games when numerous women accuse him of sexual, physical and psychological abuse than actually help those or any other women have a good time in bed.

[kitsutoshi]

Perspective on doors

Children should show respect for their elders and speak politely when adults address them.  Most of us probably agree with that.  And yet, we train our children about “stranger danger.”  If I approach a child in the park or a store, or if you do, or if almost anyone does, we mean them well.  We’re speaking to them for kindly reasons.  If we offer them help, it’s out of a genuine interest in helping.  A vanishingly small number of adults approach children to abduct or harm them.  And yet, children are taught to walk away without speaking to us.  Diligent parents and teachers tell them that politeness doesn’t matter, and that their safety very much does.  Adults understand that and don’t take it personally.  Politeness is always secondary.

I’m drawing a parallel, because I think we’ve got some cognitive dissonance in our culture.  Recently I’ve engaged with several friends in social-media discussions of a particular meme.  You may have seen it.  The post suggested that men opening doors for women was an oppressive and terrible form of patriarchy and a controlling behavior.  It’s designed to make everyone call bullshit. “our society is becoming so uncivil!  radical feminism! men who don’t open doors for women are awful!  women who don’t appreciate men opening doors must hate men!”   Whoever started this meme was a genius. Every time I’ve seen it come up, I see feminist (male and female) friends scrambling hard to assure the world that they think this idea is insane and that they appreciate the custom and think it’s harmless and healthy and should be observed at every opportunity. The implication being that even considering otherwise might be a social breach, let alone doing anything other than complying with the custom.

But I take a different view.  Not about politeness, I’m all for that.  I don’t think anyone is suggesting we should stop holding doors for each other and I plan to keep holding them and walking through doors held for me.  No, I take a women’s self-defense view to that quaint old custom. Specifically the custom of men holding doors for women.  Not the other way around, not men holding doors for men, or women holding them for women.  Specifically, the dynamics of men holding doors for women.  Of course almost always, it’s a nice guy holding a door because it makes sense, and he’d hold the same door no matter who was right behind him needing to enter.  But sometimes, it isn’t that.

We give children carte blanche to throw away respect for their elders to protect themselves, always putting their safety above “being polite.”  I don’t see us doing the same for women.  We say contradictory things to women.  We often seem to value niceness and compliance above women’s safety while we talk out of the other side of our mouths about women standing up for themselves.

It’s not a solid comparison with child-snatchers.  Children need bright-line rules (“ALWAYS walk away from strangers who offer to help you, don’t speak to them”).  Adults don’t get that luxury, and really don’t need that kind of rule.  On the other hand, child-snatchers are incredibly rare, but rapists and abusers are not and yet we allow more latitude for children to avoid a rare situation than adults to avoid a common one.  The situations are different.  But the fundamental question I suggest we should ask is the same.  “Is self-protection more important than being nice?”  

When we teach women to protect themselves, the primary lesson is “listen to your gut.”  Following on that, we try to teach them to put aside cultural conditioning and be rude if that’s what it takes, yell if that’s what it takes, to put their own safety above the comfort of others.  Women have mountains of conditioning and social pressure to climb all in a moment when they must take action.  

Abusers test women they are interested in forming a relationship with to determine whether those women can be manipulated and groomed.  Rapists trying to get a woman into a compromised situation use manipulation techniques to create trust and obligation.  They hide those activities in social constructs, innocuous cover like holding a door.  Nothing they do in that context can get them in trouble.  No one thinks anything of it because there is no immediate threat or risk.

In martial arts training, we like to talk about how “awareness” will allow us to spot a situation before it escalates to needing to use actual martial (fighting) arts.  It’s a nice theory, but a hard premise to prove. How does training on a mat teach us to spot subtle “wrongness” in communication?  Is it wishful thinking that martial artists are more “aware” of indications that a situation is heading in a bad direction than others might be?  I don’t know.  Maybe we’re just more willing to trust our guts, or engage in the question. But it is true that many of these manipulation techniques used by attackers and abusers are easy to hide in common everyday interactions. It’s also true that if we take those interactions at face value, fail to even consider that more might be going on, then we won’t spot a red flag.  We won’t hear our gut over the sound of cultural conditioning.

Door holding is one of those interactions.

I propose that we need to go back to fundamentals of women’s (and all other) self-defense.  Listen to your gut.  Yes, almost every person holding a door for another is being polite; when you and I hold a door, we do it with good intention.  But some people holding a door flick your radar.  Running ahead to get a door can be weird.  Speaking to you in some unnecessary or overly-familiar way.  Or something you can’t put your finger on.  But our guts can give us a heads-up if we’re aware that a seemingly-safe situation can lead to much worse.

It’s not our job to guess what’s in anyone else’s head.  It’s not sensible to walk around with suspicion of everyone around us.  But it is valid to recognize that some percentage of people (usually men) holding a door for a woman may be doing it to enforce “the order of things.”  Here and there are ones trying to see whether they can get a woman to alter her movements in some way, or accept an overture that will generate a hint of obligation.  (Just like the charities that send you greeting cards or a stamped envelope knowing that your sense of civility, obligation, or connection will make a contribution more likely.)  

Someone who has made a “gentlemanly” gesture may be counting on lowering our guard, creating trust or liking or familiarity.   The next step could be to “happen” to exit the store at the same time, and again extra-helpfully offer to help get groceries into the car.   If he hadn’t first held the door it would be easy to turn down that next “gentlemanly” gesture that seems like “too much.”  Or maybe it doesn’t seem odd at all, because the manipulation has already worked. We’ve put him in the “nice guy” category and we’re no longer listening to any part of us saying otherwise.  Or maybe he’s already reinforced it if we looked hesitant “hey, no big deal, just trying to be helpful!” with the implication that you’re being rude if you refuse.  There’s no potential immediate danger, it’s just a guy holding the door!  Isn’t that always nice? so how can we justify rudeness?

If you’ve ever experienced that guy who offered to be “helpful” in some way, and when you turned him down he got angry, you may have wondered “who does THAT work on?”  Well, it does work sometimes, and those guys are looking for the people it works on. Some women will apologize, backtrack, and ask him to help.

Going back to the child analogy: as a society, we’ve made the decision to throw out common wonderful interactions between children and perfectly amiable adults in order for children to protect themselves.  We allow children to be rude to adults to avoid a really rare but far-too-dire attack. It’s the only thing that makes sense.   I would like to see us consider these cultural structures around “politeness” between women and men in the same way.  Not to throw them out, because adult women are not children.  Just to acknowledge that rape and abuse are not rare, not at all rare. That if we want for people to “be aware” and spot a problem before it comes to needing to fight their way out, then we need to look harder at common interactions that attackers and abusers use as cover. That is when “earlier” takes place.

The next time you see that meme, maybe discuss it.  Consider your own biases in favor of men holding doors for women (as opposed to people of all genders holding doors for each other) and the power structure involved.  Consider what we do by reinforcing the requirement that all men hold doors and all women walk through them.  Everything we do to dismiss early warnings in situations routinely used by predators is a disservice in my opinion.  

It helps me to think of the goal of a polite gesture.  To smooth the way for someone. But shouldn’t it always be optional to accept a polite gesture?  If we didn’t ask for help, can’t we turn it down?  Especially if that help might have emotional hooks. Not in a child’s blanket rule that takes away a common courtesy, just in a way that allows us to consider that that common courtesy may actually be something else. People who try to reinforce those gender-role behaviors with ridicule or anger are people we need to watch out for.  

It’s easy enough to teach ways to avoid a problem.  If a gut-check says “avoid that,” stopping to look at a phone, walking back to the car, or just saying “no, after you” and insisting on noncompliance shouldn’t cause anyone to bat an eye (or if it does, that’s a bullet dodged).  But the first key is knowing a gut-check is important.  

This is just one opportunity for martial artists to put our money where our mouth is, understand a common early indication of trouble, talk about it, and raise actual awareness.  Any social situation where people feel obliged without considering is a place for an attacker or abuser to fly under the cover of people just being decent to each other.   It won’t bring down civil society to let women off the hook sometimes to avoid those niceties for their own safety.