#- btw no hate to anyone!!! (i felt the need to add this on since i am sure that someone's going to jump on me if i don't.)

[greglow03]

I'm back! Better and healed up (though that doesn't mean I won't collapse as soon as the button gets pressed). It's going to be a slow come back, but expect writing to be posted and other stuff.

Love you peeps!

~The Bobby Squad🧡

[itsays]

oversharing below

so i have yet to receive my official diagnosis but i've decided i dont care anymore. when i got my initial diagnosis at 16 i realized something. i already knew that so it made no difference to me to hear a doctor saying it. i was just like well duh. i know people are against self diagnosis or whatever (cough do you hate poor people be honest cough) but i feel like she's kinda been good to me idk what to tell you. anyways. we've been discussing lots of new things in therapy since the year started and the doctor says he thinks i might be in the spectrum! which is so funny because it's not something that ever occurred to me. but of course ive been reading about autism in women (not nearly as much as i would like, mostly because it has been so difficult for me for some reason, compared to other diagnoses i've received) but it's been six months since we've started this stage and honestly what else is there really? that's it i feel like we've finally figured it out bro. autistic woman, obviously another victim of medical misogyny of course, thanks for that btw let's add that to the list of traumas. AND GUESS WHAT. did you know a lot of autistic people struggle with food? i have been reading into this as well and i've been laughing reading these articles. i am the text book definition of this arfid thing that's CRAZY. i could've figured this out by myself by age 15 if someone had simply given me a book to read about but remember everyone, women cant be autistic and also anorexia and bulimia are the only eating disorders to ever exist btw. so thanks for that. medical neglect for the win SLAY. thanks for that really.

now do i feel like these revelations help? well im mostly just angry and not really sure how knowing finding this out 27 years too late is really going to fix me. but i am thankful i know understand what went wrong so thanks for that i suppose.

so yeah anyways. not officially diagnosed we're just investigating or whatever and my doctor can analyze all he wants but i feel this is the only logical conclusion at this point.

so where do we go from here? i dont know! but i felt the need to write this as i havent mentioned this to anyone and whenever my doctor speaks about the diagnosis thing i just nod instead of being like "well i think the answer's obvious lol"

very wild way to start off the year but we're here

[mot-minh-toi]

I don't really feel good these days, finding myself relapsing back into bad habits: getting angry easily, doubting myself, over analyzing past social behaviors and situations, agonizing myself over what I think I should have done or could have done better.

I still not dare or still can't make sense or make clear of my feelings, but I watched a movie today, I don't pay 100% attention but just enough to go through it. It was a good movie, win awards, and that helps greatly. I am also thinking about doing some exercise to improve my mood - which is something I usually did not think of before.

Thoughts of death still haunt me, but setting a count down the "judgment" day did help a bit in getting myself out of the over analyzing things.

I still fantasize about drastic solutions and reactions to things, but I hope that when I time comes, I will have enough courage and strength to do what I think is best and move on.

I watch "Poor Things" today.

It has a lot of sex scences, but these scences are not jarring or out of place or make me uncomfortable like other movies, in fact I feel it provides much needed contrast to Bella's other activities as well as help us audiences (me) recognize her growth in character/experience. I don't know if that's intentional, artfully done, or just me reading into things and trying to sound smart, lol. But anyways, enough about that, I guess I must have felt strange regarding these scenes (I usually don't feel this... normal about them) and ironically find myself needed to explain/express that.

The setting is also new and interesting to me. It sets up in what I deemed as the middle of the 19th century but also has some really modern machinery. The sky has a dream-esque atmosphere to it but all fit so well together. Like i took me a moment to realize how strange the animal inside the house was. Weird things are accepted, and yet still some of the modern/the current time's ideas remain. And the people in it, I can not completely demonize anyone (except maybe the general), every characters have their own nuances and even one of the antagonists - Mark Ruffalo's character (he's great in this btw) - I do not condemned him, I even sympathize in some scenes, but mostly just pity him. He is such a miserable and small-minded - pretty moron - that I cannot hate him.

For the rest of the characters, even Harry, I can find goodness within their flaws. I had thought that Max would be my favorite, no faults character, but not even the first arc of the movie had ended when I found something I disliked about him. But, after all, I find most characters lovely and all are necessary to the film - and to Bella's journey of finding herself.

The movie is intriguing to me. I find myself needing to stop very few times, and I was able to watch the movie within its run time and not drag it to days, which is refreshing for me nowadays. Even when it was just 20 minutes left, I still found myself very invested in finding out what would happen next. And what I thought i had figured out from the "crumbs" they left me turned out to be a small plot twist - at least to me.

I also want to talk about the transition - I have an attention span of (what suspect) an ADD infected brain, and I completely missed out on the charging of b&w movie to colorful collors. I think this is their way of showing that Bella's mind and view are changing and exanding. Also, Bella's behavior, speech, and demeanor change so subtly with her knowledge that it is such a smooth transition that it's lovely to watch.

At the end of the movie, I find all my questions answered, and those that aren't were not a concern to me. I thoroughly enjoyed this experience and hope "Saltburn" and "Late night with the devil will be the same." I haven't felt this way since "Moon Knight. " I am extremely happy with my decision to wait and not let my curiosity for spoilers ruin this movie for me.

[miiamour]

Hi!!!! I don’t know if you are taking requests, but could you write some ron weasly angst??? Maybe with a fluff ending? Maybe him making the reader feel insecure or something like that, I don’t know :) Love your writing so much :):)

am i that girl you dream of?

fem!slytherin!reader x ron weasley

summary: you and ron are in a secret relationship— scared of what others will think, but it still doesn’t stop you from getting insecure when he’s flirted with.

warnings: angst, fluff at the end, mentions of cheating, insecurities in relationship, alcohol, illusions to sex/making out hermione slander but only if you squint.

word count: 1.7k

a/n: eek thank you for the request <3 btw i’m literally 4 away from 200 so hopefully this helps me hit 200!

⊱ ──── ˗ˏˋ✧*♡*✧´ˎ˗ ────⊰

the smell of alcohol lingered throughout the room, along with the slight aroma that sweaty teenagers gave off when they’re dancing against each other. the lights in the gryffindor common room were slightly dimmed with a red tint, but still bright enough to see hermione granger flirting with your boyfriend.

granted, she didn’t know— nobody did, but that didn’t mean she have to grab onto his arm every time time he made a joke. it was upsetting to say the least, but it technically wasn’t your place to say anything but it took every ounce of self control to not walk over there and kiss him, showing everyone that ron belongs to you or ram hermione’s head into the wall; either worked for you.

you and ron had been secretly dating for a few months. you were both terribly afraid of what others thought, him more than you; he was a gryffindor with slytherin hating friends and you were a slytherin.

honestly, it was but fun in the beginning; pretending to hate each other, sneaking around, the thrill of possibly getting caught was exhilarating but now, now it just exhausting. you were tired of simply just hanging out in his dorm when no one was around; you wanted to be able to hold his hand in the halls and go out in hogsmeade dates like regular couples.

at times you questioned if he was ashamed of you but he assured you that he wasn’t— although you weren’t so sure now, it had been months and he had yet to tell a soul about the two of you and he was allowing hermione to hopelessly flirt with him.

to be fair, you weren’t sure if ron was even aware that she was flirting or not. but you, you knew. the whole common room could’ve seen it but ron wouldn’t recognize a flirt attempt if it danced naked in front of him wearing dobby’s tea cozy.

but you couldn’t do anything about it; you simply stood there, watching the boy you weren’t supposed to love but did, as girl— who, now that you think about it, is prettier— flirt with him.

your usual self confidence was being teared down, bit by bit, as you watched hermione bat her eyelids at your boyfriend. your finger danced along the rim of your red solo cup that was previously filled with beer, some muggle alcohol— which is nothing like butterbeer.

you honestly couldn’t blame ron, just look at her; she had perfect smile, big doe like brown eyes, and she was smart— ron always admired that about her. you knew that ron had a crush on hermione prior to the two of you dating but he always assured you that he didn’t have any feelings towards her anymore but watching them flirt gave you doubts.

“hey y/n, you alright?” blaise zabini had interrupted your thoughts, he attempted to look in the direction of your gaze “weasley? why’re you staring at him? you fancy him or something?” he asked teasingly.

“what? no! i’m not staring, i just— just zoned out, that’s all” you lied as you turned to the drink table to pour grab something stronger— firewhiskey.

blaise and you had been bestfriends since your first year, and you hadn’t told him about you and ron. you felt a bit guilty about it but ron always told you that you guys could tell people when the time was right, but the time was never right.

“alright then, but if you do fancy him you better hurry up because seems like him and hermione are going up to his dorm” he said casually while pointing his hand in their direction, ron and hermione were walking up towards the boy dormitory.

you turned so fast, you were sure your neck would’ve snapped. “what!” you felt your face redden and your stomach was doing flips.

“y/n!?” blaise called out after you but you were already half way to ron’s dorm.

your heart beat faster with every step you took, exasperation flooding through your veins. your hand— your body shook as it gripped on the door handle, you quickly prayed that what you thought what was going on, wasn’t actually going on.

you forcefully opened the door, the first thing you see being ron— shirtless. “ronald weasley! what the bloody hell do you think you’re doing!” you yelled out at him as if the door didn’t startle them enough.

“y/n! hey, what— what’re you doing here?” his eyes bulging out of his sockets as he jerks his head towards hermione.

“y/n?” hermione yelled out as she backed up away from ron with a rag in her hand.

you ignored hermione and turned to ron, “what am i doing here? i see you walk up to your dorm with another girl! what do expect me to do?” you walked closer to him, pushing on his bare chest with your finger.

“what? another girl?“ hermione mumbles to herself. “if i may—“ she interjects only for you to put your free hand in her face and shout out, “no!”

“how dare you ron! if you didn’t want to be with me anymore, just say so! merlin, you are infuriating—

“no, love, hermione spilled firewhiskey on my shirt!” he throws his hands up in defense as you kept walking towards him until his legs hit foot of his bed.

“i don’t give a damn if hermione spilled—“ you stopped yourself once you properly processed his words “she spilled firewhiskey on you?” you looked between ron and hermione, she was holding a rag, helping ron get cleaned up.

“yes, darling, firewhiskey; that’s why we came up here and why my shirt’s off” he explained before reaching for another shirt to slip on, and before you could apologize hermione spoke.

“l-love? darling? wait, wait— are you two together?” hermione babbled out like a fish out of water.

“surprise!” ron mocked jazz hands,

“nearly eight months” you add.

hermione’s nostrils flared as she walked up to ron “why. didn’t. you. tell. me.” she hit him with the rag between each word.

“y/n, i apologize if he has done anything stupid in the last eight months; he hadn’t had a girl tell him what he’s doing wrong” she said half-jokingly.

well now you felt worse; you thought hermione had tried to after ron, they really were just friends.

“i’ll leave you two alone now” hermione began to walk out the door, “oh and don’t worry, i won’t tell anyone; secrets safe with me” she said after peering her head through the door and ‘zipping’ her lips together and throwing away the key.

you sat next to ron, your heart was slowing down from the fast pace it was previously going at. after a few moments you started, “i’m sor—“

“i’m sorry” ron interrupted.

“why’re you sorry? i’m the one who went all crazy girlfriend.” you shifted closer to him.

“it’s understandable. if i saw you go up to your dorm with another guy, let’s be honest, i’d be way crazier” he placed a hand on your knee and sparks erupted. you were so sensitive to his touch that even the slightest graze of an elbow when you sat next to each other left your stomach doing flips.

“but i still shouldn’t have. you assured me that you and hermione were just friends and i didn’t believe you— i was just being insecure” you said the last part i’m a quiet voice, slightly hoping that he didn’t hear.

ron moved closer to you and wrapped an arm around you “there is no need to be insecure, you’re the only girl i want to be with”

“am i?” you asked, shifting away from ron.

“what’s that supposed to mean? there aren’t any other girls that flirt with me— right?” ron’s eyebrows furrowed.

“this isn’t about girls flirting won’t you l, i’m just saying— do you really want to be with me? am i that girl you dream of?” you stood up in front of him. your throat burned with every breath.

“of course i want to be with you!” this time he stood up.

“then why do act like you’re ashamed? why do we have to keep our relationship hidden?” you yelled out, partially startling ron. tears brimmed your eyes but you refused to let them down.

he walked up to you and grabbed the sides of you face. ron’s eyes were glossy and sunken; filled with guilt and sympathy. “i am not ashamed of you. i’m scared of what people would think about us— people would think ‘what a weird couple, she’s way too fit for him” he flayed his arms mockingly.

you playfully slapped his shoulder, “you care way too much about what others think, ron. besides, i’m tired of sneaking around.” you said more seriously.

“so what? you want to break up?” ron sat back down on the bed and pressed his lips together to keep from smirking.

you took a deep breath to keep yourself from ripping ron’s head off, “no, i— ugh, nevermind” you began to walk away

“i’m joking!” ron gently tugged your arm, and pulled you towards so you stood in between his legs. “y/n, do you want to be my public girlfriend?” he asked you as he wrapped his arms around you.

you put a finger to your chin, pretending to be thinking about it. “hmm, no thanks” you replied.

ron began poking and tickle at your sides.

“you know, if this is your way of getting me to be your girlfriend— stop it!— it’s not a very good one” you giggled in between words.

“merlin, you’re lucky i love you” ron breathed out, not quite realizing what he said.

“you what?” you asked breathlessly.

“oh shit, erm— i love you. yeah. i love you. that’s okay right? i mean you don’t have to say it back but if you want—“

you interrupted ron by kissing him, “i love you too” you mumbled against his lips.

everything worked out. ron loved you and you loved him back. fireworks erupted in your stomach every time you kissed him and your brain went foggy; focusing on nothing but him.

turns out that you are that girl he dreams of.

taglist: @keepawaythenargles @anywherebuthere @myloveforluna click here to join!

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Can’t get over her

Word count: 5010     

Genre: A little angst with a little fluff

Pairing: Natasha x fem!reader 

Warnings: Little bit of swearing (let me know if I need to add more)

Summary: Reader has always had a bit of a crush on Natasha but it’s unrequited. She lets Tony and Wanda take her to a club and Nat starts acting differently.

A/N: This is not a request, I just felt like writing this story. I’m super nervous about this because I’m not sure if it’s very good but I thought I would post it in case anyone is interested. This is my first x reader fic and first Natasha/Marvel fic so I wasn’t sure how to write it. That being said I hope you enjoy, and if you do, I’m always open to take requests! Btw this is completely unimportant but even though this fic is a medium length, it’s the longest story I’ve actually completed so I feel proud of myself for that!

“Y/n!” A voice rang out loudly disrupting your sleep. 

“Ughhhh,” you groaned, “what do you want?” Instead of an answer the door to your room gets thrown open loudly, allowing all the light to come in. You bury yourself under the blankets, partly to stop your eyes from seeing the light and partly to hide the fact that you were wearing Avengers themed pyjamas. 

“Rise and shine sweetheart!” You hear Tony’s voice mock. Reluctantly you poke your head out of the blankets just enough so you can see and squint at your best friend/mentor just in time to see him rush off, probably to wake up another unfortunate avenger. When you first joined you never expected to like Tony at all, much less consider him your best friend or look up to him. You had heard rumors of him being inappropriate with women and while his jokes most certainly were and you did occasionally catch him staring at your boobs he never did anything creepy to make you uncomfortable and inside he was a good man, way more so than you expected.

All that in mind you decide to get out of bed to see why Tony woke you up because he (probably) wouldn’t wake you up for no reason. Taking a minute to change out of the avenger pyjamas and into some clothes as well as brush your hair you wander downstairs. On the way down you bump into Clint who unlike you has made absolutely no effort to look presentable and looks like he just rolled out of bed. You say a quick hello but he just grunts in return, not even looking at you. Inwardly laughing about how much Clint hates to be awake in the morning you continue downstairs to meet up with the rest of the avengers who are varying degrees of awake. Most seemed to be like you; awake and fairly alert but not happy about it. Clint was probably the most asleep and Tony the most awake considering he was practically bouncing off the walls. Looking around you see everyone except for Thor and Natasha. Thor wasn’t there very often because he wasn’t from earth and Natasha usually avoided group activities at all costs to your displeasure since you had a secret (not very secret) crush on the assassin. 

“So why did you wake us up, at an ungodly hour may I add, and bring us down here?” You ask Tony, curious.

“That information is above your clearance level.” He replies somewhat sarcastically. 

“Does anybody else know what is going on?” you ask. “Or did Tony wake me up for no reason, in which case I’m going back to bed.” They all shift guiltily on their feet except for Clint who seems to be still too tired to pay attention leading you to believe they are all up to something you wouldn’t like. Nobody answers your question so you glare around the room, your eyes landing on Steve. He almost squirms under your gaze and eventually seems to give in.

“I’m sorry Y/N, this wasn’t my idea and thinking back on it we probably shouldn’t-”

“We are giving you a makeover and finding you a date.” Tony cuts Steve off.

“Seriously??!??!??” You half shout. “What makes you think I want to go on some random date you guys set up? If I want to go on a date I can find one myself.”

“Y/N…” Wanda says softly, reminding you to stay calm.

“Don’t Y/n me,” you say, still angrily yet quieter, “I can find my own dates, thank you very much.” Tony gives a small snort of laughter in response to this.

“Sure you can kid. I mean it’s not like you haven’t been on a date in over two years. Or that you’re harboring a crush for our resident scary assassin that prevents you from dating others.” You glare at him but stay silent because all of what he said is true. In your head you excuse the not dating off as being busy because you are a hero yet almost everybody on the team is dating someone and it all seems to be working out fine.

“Look Y/n,” Tony says softly which is a rarity for him, “I know you wish something could happen between you and Romanoff but it hasn’t happened yet and likely never will. You need to get over her and back out there. Besides we weren’t planning on choosing your date for you, we were just planning to go clubbing later with you.”

“Ok,” you agree begrudgingly, “I’ll do it, I just don’t see the need to wake me up at 7 in the morning if we aren’t going out until tonight. Also does everybody need to be here right now?” 

“I second that,” Clint says in a voice still rough from sleep, “just because I helped planning a little bit does not mean I had to wake up early to have this conversation. I’m going back to bed.” 

Wanda rolls her eyes at him before turning to you, “No not everyone has to be here right now, Tony just got a little over excited. As for you, as we said we are giving you a makeover which means we have to go to the hair appointment I set up plus I was thinking we could go shopping since we almost never have time to. Besides Natasha gets back from her solo mission sometime later today, so we wanted to talk with you when she wasn’t around.”

“Ok,” you respond with a little bit of excitement, “when do we leave?”

“Right now! We can have brunch while we’re out!” 

“Yes and then we can go get our nails done and gossip!” Tony says in a fake voice. Both you and Wanda turn to look at him exasperated. “Ok fine, maybe not but I am coming and we are gossiping. Also I need to find a good birthday present for Pepper’s birthday next week.”

“Well that’s good you’re coming because unless you want the same reaction as last year, you’re going to need a lot of help.” Wanda replies. You laugh a little as the three of you leave the tower, Wanda and Tony continuing their mock argument about Tony’s gift giving skills. 

Five hours later and you severely regretted going along with their plan. You were already exhausted and still had so much to do before going clubbing. You had already bought an outfit plus a few others which wouldn’t be so bad except Wanda and Tony made you try on what you believed to be the whole store before they seemed satisfied with your look. You had also gotten your nails done and were currently finishing up a lovely brunch which consisted of waffles, maple syrup and some fruits. That would have been enjoyable if not for the fact that Tony and Wanda alternated between nagging you about not chipping a nail and teasing you about your pathetic love life. It was a well known fact in the tower that while they didn’t hate each other, Tony and Wanda didn’t usually get along well but that was probably for the best since together they were ruthless. They seemed to have decided that the time for brunch was over so sighing you followed them out of the restaurant after Tony paid the bill. That’s the one positive at least, all of it was free for you thanks to Tony. 

Another five hours later and you could honestly say you were looking forward to the night more than you thought you would. You were currently looking in the mirror in your room and although usually you tended to be indifferent towards your body, sometimes even insecure, you had to admit that you looked pretty hot. The dress was in the perfect colour to bring out your eyes according to Wanda and although it was the perfect balance between classy and slutty, revealing a bit of skin and showing off your assets while still leaving it to the imagination. You also were carrying a black purse which matched your nails and shoes. Your makeup was perfectly done, naturally showing you beauty but adding a little extra glimmer. The thing you were most proud of however and the most noticeable change you had made was your hair. Before you had hair that when completely straight could reach your waist but now it was barely long enough to tuck behind your ears. When you first got to the hair salon you were planning on just trimming it and straightening in it but when you got in the chair something came over you and you just decided to chop it all off. 

BANG! The door to your room barges open and Wanda comes flying in. 

“Damn girl! You look hot as fuck!” You blush profusely at her words managing to stammer out a thank you. You have never been good at taking compliments because you always get a little shy and awkward. 

Tony pokes his head around the doorframe and gives a whistle. “You are smoking hot Y/n, I mean if I didn’t have Pepper I would be all over you. You ready to go?” Not waiting for an answer he turns and starts towards the elevator. You follow but not before exchanging an eye roll with Wanda about Tony’s words. The elevator ride is short and smooth thanks to Tony’s engineering so you don’t have enough time to succumb to the urge of placing your hands on the bars and pushing while lifting your feet. The elevator beeps, Jarvis informing�� you that you’ve reached the ground level and the doors open. You step out ready to get on with your night but the sight of Natasha just back from a mission freezes you in your tracks. 

“Hi,” you say lamely, “I thought you were supposed to get back earlier today?”

“We had some intel that wasn’t fully correct but luckily it didn’t take too long to fix. You look different, where are you heading off to?”

You glance at Tony and Wanda for help because for some reason you feel awkward telling her but they don’t seem to know what you want so you answer anyways. “We’re going clubbing, I’m kinda nervous since I haven’t been in awhile but Wanda helped me get ready-”

“Hey I helped too!”

You ignore Tony’s protest and continue to speak. “-and I think it should be fun. Also there will for sure be hot girls there which is always a plus.”  

“Seems like it should be fun,” she responds in her monotone ‘I don’t care’ voice that you hate, “Good luck with the girls though, because your hair looked better long, I don’t like it like this.” You don’t usually get offended easily but you feel tears spring to your eyes at her comment. The only good part is that she doesn’t notice because she’s already walking away, swaying her hips, either not knowing or caring that she hurt you.

Tony and Wanda rush over to you. “Oh sweetie,” Wanda comforts while wrapping an arm around you, “don’t listen to her, that’s not true at all!”

“Then why would she say it?” You ask, careful to keep your voice from cracking because you hated showing when you were upset.

“I don’t know and honestly I don’t give a fuck.” Tony replies. “Just don’t think about it too much, the whole point of this night is to get over her anyways.” You give him a small smile at that. Tony is good with words which translates into being good at comforting people. You know he’s right so although the comment is still upsetting you do your best to push it out of your mind. Locking arms with both Tony and Wanda you pull them towards the door and into the waiting limo. You couldn’t help but smile at the way Tony ruffled your hair as you stepped in or how Wanda kept running her fingers over her arm in an attempt to be reassuring. You had the best friends. 

The ride over seemed way shorter than it was supposed to be and before you knew it the limo was stopped to let the three of you out. You take a deep breath and wipe your sweaty palms on your dress before smiling and stepping out after Tony and Wanda. Nobody seems to have noticed the three of you yet which was a good thing. Being Avengers Tony and Wanda were pretty much celebrities and often got swarmed by groups of fans. Technically you were an avenger as well but like Natasha and Clint it was only because you were a Shield so while you did get recognized it wasn’t as often and only tended to happen if you were with other avengers. You make your way inside, splitting from Tony and Wanda at the door. The plan was for them to go to the bar and look over you from there while you went straight to the dance floor because you preferred to be anonymous tonight and they would ruin that and also you didn’t feel like getting drunk. That was the plan at least but you suspected that they would get too drunk to continue watching over you because it had been stressful lately with a lot of paperwork and they needed to unwind. Wanda had practically confirmed that fact when she gave you permission to leave without them. 

You step over to the dance floor glancing around to see if there looked to be any single women already there. The reason you had chosen this club was because although it wasn’t lgbtq+ exclusive, it was open to everybody and therefore frequented by many members of the community. 

Just as you were glancing around you felt a tap on your shoulder. “Wanna dance?” You spin around to find the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen, apart from Natasha. It bothers you that you’re using Natasha as your standard and comparing other girls to her but you brush that off. 

“I would love to!” At your response she takes your hand, pulling you into the crowd and starts to dance. You dance as well and slowly you lose track of time as you loosen up and your dancing with the girl becomes less and less innocent. You can feel yourself caring less about what Natasha thought although as great as this girl seemed to be you knew you weren’t ready for a relationship so you hoped she wasn’t looking for one. After what could be a couple of hours because you’ve completely lost track of time, you and the girl whose name you still don’t know head over to a corner of the room and take a seat on two of the stools that were provided. 

“Hi, I feel like I should know your name by now, I’m Y/n.” You introduce yourself. 

“Wait I thought you looked familiar!” She exclaims. “You’re the Y/n that’s a part of the avengers right?” 

You awkwardly give a nod and gesture towards the bar where you can see Tony and Wanda who have obviously had at least a few drinks each. “Tony and Wanda came with me. They are just over there but I didn’t particularly want the spotlight tonight so I split from them at the door.” 

“I understand, I must admit I have no desire to be famous. I’m Jamie by the way” She says with a cute little giggle before her mood seems to be more solemn. “I can’t believe I’m saying this to a literal avenger and if my friends find out they are going to kill me but I’m sorry if you’re looking for a relationship but I just got out of a serious relationship and am not ready for another one quite yet.” 

You let out a relieved sigh. “I’m not looking for a relationship either, because I’m trying to get over my feelings for a friend.” 

“Phew!” She replies. “But tell me more about this ‘friend’ of yours.” You take a minute to think before deciding that Jamie could be trusted. You begin to spill all about your feelings for Natasha and how she didn’t seem interested and what she said to you on your way here. Jamie listens sympathetically the entire time before telling you all about how she thought her ex was the one but it turns out she was emotionally abusive. Even though you just met you talk like old friends, offering advice on serious topics but also chatting about random things. You have 3 more drinks each and after every drink your barriers crumble more and more. Eventually you exchange numbers so you can meet up again although you both agreed it would be a platonic meetup. Just as you were giggling about a joke you couldn’t even remember, you saw Jamie tense up and a second later you felt a hand on your shoulder. You turn your head in anger expecting it to be some creepy guy trying to hit on you but it turns to confusion when you see Natasha. 

“Can we talk?” She asks, giving Jamie a dirty look. “At the tower. Without her.” 

“Why?” You ask. “I’m having fun here Nat.” You specifically say her name as you speak so Jamie knows who you’re talking to. 

“Just come home.” She says not answering your question, instead tugging at your wrist lightly. You sigh not knowing what to do so you glance at Jamie for help. 

She shrugs and then says, “I have a ride home planned if you want to leave, but I wouldn’t mind staying longer if that’s what you want.”

You make a quick decision in your head before responding, “Ok, we’ll go back to the tower but there better be a good reason.” You then turn to Jamie, “Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe, and then we can figure out when to hang out.”

“Of course,” she agrees leaning forwards to hug you while whispering in your ear, “good luck but remember not to let her treat you badly just because you’re in love with her.” You pull back from the hug and smile at her as Natasha’s hand moves down to your own as she starts walking, pulling you along with her. You can barely think straight, you have no idea what is going on with Natasha or why she’s acting so weirdly. You glance over to Tony and Wanda to see if they’ve noticed what’s going on but just as you suspected they were drunk out of their minds. If they were normal friends you would have worried about them but you knew Tony’s drivers would get them home safe because although Tony was more responsible with Pepper around this was not the first time they’ve had to haul his drunk ass back to the tower. 

Natasha continues to pull you out the door and over to her parked motorcycle where she hands you a helmet and one of her leather jackets. Still not speaking she hops on and motions for you to get on behind her. You swing your leg over the side somewhat awkwardly and scoot forwards so you can grab onto her waist. Once she’s sure you’re secured properly she hits the gas, the motorcycle roaring as it starts. You’ve never been on her motorcycle before so at first you are a bit nervous but after a couple of minutes you start to feel more comfortable. At this point your only nerves come from holding Natasha and wondering what she wants to talk to you about and not the motorcycle ride. Compared to the ride over to the club, this ride feels like it’s taking forever as you start to go over all the important reasons Nat would want to talk to you. You still didn’t know how to feel about everything because she insulted you earlier and now is making you feel important. To protect your feelings you tell yourself that there is probably a mission or a meeting that came up last minute and this isn’t just Natasha wanting to talk. It’s improbable because if that was the case she would have outright said so but you can’t think of any more plausible reasons off the top of your head. Luckily before you can analyze her strange behavior anymore you reach the tower and after parking underground you follow Natasha upstairs into the main living area which is obviously deserted as it is now between 3 and 4 am. 

“So why did you want to talk?” You ask, breaking the silence as you take a seat on the couch. 

“Why did you go to a club?” She asks, also sitting down on the other end of the couch, avoiding your question. 

A surge of anger floods through you and while you don’t shout, you raise your voice a little. “Answer the fucking question Nat. Or did you bring me all the way back just to ask that?” 

She looks somewhat surprised that you raised your voice but she keeps hers even. “I just wanted to know. It looked like you were having fun with whoever that girl is.” 

“Yeah I was.” You respond, still confused. “But how do you know that?” 

Natasha avoids eye contact looking everywhere but you. “I was watching you.” 

“YOU WERE WHAT?” You shout before lowering your voice to avoid waking up the whole tower. “Why the fuck were you spying on me?”  

“I- I wasn’t.” She replies seemingly caught off guard by your tone of voice. “I wanted to make sure you were safe.” 

“Tony and Wanda were with me.” You respond confused. There’s something she’s not telling you that’s making her act weird. She knew you could handle yourself so she obviously was not telling the truth, or at least omitting details. She hasn’t responded to your last statement, instead choosing to look at you in the weird way she does that makes you feel like you’re being interrogated. You decide that if she isn’t going to talk, you won’t either so you pull your phone out of your jacket to check it. You see a text from Jamie saying she got home ok with a little smiley face at the end that causes you to smile. You type back a quick reply, just saying you’re glad she’s safe and that you were with Natasha right now and were probably going to bed soon so you’d text her tomorrow. She wished you luck and goodnight with another little smiley face that made you smile again. Putting your phone away you look back up at Natasha only to find out she’s glaring at you. 

Unsure of what could have changed her attitude towards you, you ask, “What?”

“Who were you talking to?” She asks ignoring your question for the second time tonight. 

You sigh, “I don’t see how it’s any of your business but if you really must know I was just saying goodnight to the girl from the club, Jamie.”

“So that’s her name.” She says wrinkling her nose. Now you’re really confused as to what Natasha is thinking. You couldn’t tell on normal days but usually she acted rationally and never was like this. 

“Why do you say it like that?” You ask. 

“I don’t like her.”

“Why don’t you like her?” 

“I just don’t.” She answers, offering no explanation. Although you do want to find out why Natasha doesn’t like her you’re too tired to spend the time asking questions so you stand up to go to bed. 

“Where are you going?” She demands. 

You sigh for what feels like the thousandth time of the night. “I’m going to bed. You wanted to talk to me but won’t actually talk, and when I ask you questions, instead of responding you insult my new friend.”

“Friend?” She questions.

“Jamie.” You say confused because you thought the answer was obvious. 

“Oh.” She responds, “I’m sorry, please stay.” You think about it for a second, deciding to stay so you go to sit down again, but before you do Natasha scoots over to your end of the couch pulling you down into her side. Your entire body freezes up because you’re so unsure of what to do. Natasha never initiated physical contact of any kind but now she was practically hugging you. Seeming to realize how uncomfortable you were, she quickly moves away.

“Sorry,” she mutters, “That was stupid.”

“No, no, it’s fine, you can come back.” You respond quickly. As much as you were uncomfortable, it felt really nice to have her by your side. She somewhat shyly shifts back over to you but this time instead of wrapping her arm around your shoulders she nuzzles into your side, maneuvering your arms so they wrap around her. You have no idea what’s going on right now but you can’t help but smile as you look down at her. She looks cute and relaxed, with her hair covering parts of her face. Thinking about her hair reminds you of her opinion of your new haircut. You bite your lip nervously as you debate asking her about that or not. You definitely don’t want to ruin the cuddly mood that she’s in now but the comment still bothers you, not to mention you never actually found out why she took you home from the club.

“Um Natasha?” You ask in a timid voice. “Is my haircut really that bad?” 

“Of course not, I think it suits you.” She responds smoothly. “I lied to you earlier.”

You smile at that. “Thank you but why?”

She takes a deep shaky breath before speaking. “Promise this won’t change anything between us first, that we will stay friends.” 

“Ok,” You respond, earnest but confused, “I promise.”

“I didn’t like the idea of you going clubbing and coming home with some one night stand or even worse a girlfriend because I have feelings for you. So I was childish and took out my frustrations on you by pretending I didn’t like you. I’m sorry.” She’s looking up at you now, the most nervous you’ve ever seen her. Your mind is exploding with this new information and your heart feels so happy you can’t even believe what is going on. 

“Is that why you were watching me with Jamie at the club and then told me you had to talk to me?”

“Yeah”

After a few more seconds of shocked silence that feels like hours to Natasha you finally speak. “I know I promised that this wouldn’t change anything between us but I don’t think it can be the same.” She starts to pull away from your side but before she can you lean over and press your lips against hers. At first you are hesitant but once she starts kissing back you gain confidence, the kiss getting more heated. After a minute or two you both pull away to catch your breath, smiling at each other. 

Natasha lightly swats you on the arm. “You’re evil.” You giggle a little in response. “I was so worried for a second there, I thought you would be weirded out by that.” She continues also giggling slightly. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t know that I had feelings for you,” you confess to her, “it was actually Tony and Wanda’s idea for me to go out because we all thought you didn’t like me so they thought it was a good idea to get over you.”

“Well that plan failed,” she says smirking, “I guess you can’t get over me.” 

You look at her and yawn. “No I guess I can’t.” 

At your yawn she glances at the clock. “We better get you to bed, it’s almost the time Steve wakes up for training.” You would like to spend more time with Natasha but you’re too tired to argue so you just nod and follow her as she pulls you up and leads you to your room, holding your hand the whole way. Inside your room she sits on your bed while you change, politely looking away. Once you’re in pyjamas you hold a pair out to her and she looks at you confused. 

“Do you want to stay the night?” You ask her. She eagerly nods, accepting the pyjamas as you open your covers and crawl into bed. As soon as she’s done she turns off the lights and hops in behind you, spooning you. You sigh as you feel her plant a kiss on the back of your head. You can barely keep your eyes open and although you still haven’t talked about exactly what your new relationship with Natasha was yet, you were excited for what was to come. Your last thought before you drifted off to sleep was complete bliss as Natasha kept planting soft kisses on the back of your neck, head and shoulders. 

The next morning you hear a loud pounding at your door. You groan and slowly gain consciousness, smiling as you remember last night and the redhead still cuddling you. Just like yesterday Tony doesn’t bother to wait for you to answer and instead barges straight in. His eyes widen when he sees the two of you spooning and he starts to splutter. You laugh at him with Natasha until he shouts for the other avengers to come. Multiple pairs of footsteps make your way to your bedroom and you see the shocked faces of a few of the other avengers, including Wanda, Steve and Clint. 

“What,” Natasha says speaking up, “can’t a girl cuddle with her girlfriend in peace?” Steve immediately apologizes, ushering everyone out of the room and closing the door. 

You raise your eyebrow. “Girlfriends?”

“I assumed so, if you want.” She responds. 

“I like the sound of that...girlfriend.” You both smile at each other. You definitely did not complete your goal of getting over Natasha and instead fell further in love but you were totally ok with that.

[xelasrecords]

Faye I read this throughout a couple days so I just made notes as I went along and copied passages that I like so they may sound jumbled, but here goes!

You did such a great job at making us sympathise with Saeyoung's anger. It's so convincing that when he only said "good" to the news of V dying, I hurt for V and felt the need to shield him from more pain that he brought onto his dead self. Delicious angst all around. I remember you once saying that you avoid writing dialogues, but I love how realistic they are here! The buildup to the reader's reveal made the story richer than it already is.

The bleak descriptions of Jumin alone was already painful, and then you gotta add in how Saeyoung repeatedly kicked V?! You might as well be kicking ME in my stomach. I hate/love you for it.

Nice work on the header design too. The foggy red cloud image fits the theme of this series so much. I could immediately hazard a guess on how tense this fic would be and it did not disappoint.

Petition for the reader to get some real hardcore THERAPY btw. After having to be Saeyoung's crutch on top of their own trauma of witnessing V being shot while knowing that Saeyoung will be emotionally absent for a while? They need a long refreshing vacation too.

The deadly glint of light catching on the gun. The shrill desperate shouts of someone whose reality has shattered. Saeran clinging onto the gun like it is the last thing that will save him. Saeyoung’s head on your lap, his blood warm and sticky on your hands as you and Vanderwood try to protect him from the crowd. [and so on]

You are so good at painting this tense scene.

It is the guilt of a protector who put down his weapons for just a second to rest and feels like he has failed the people he has sworn to take care of.

Like (adoptive) father like son :) Don't tell him I said that.

Their grief makes him itch; their pity makes his blood boil.

I hope you're proud of this line because it's beautiful and you chose the verbs just right. Love how it's constructed.

Jumin is absent, inexpressive. Drunk, more often than not, he reckons. He wonders if he resents V too for throwing himself in front of that bullet.

Betting my money on Jumin resenting V but more so himself since he failed to notice all of this before it's too late.

He even reluctantly keeps his distance from you for fear of what might happen if you try to get through to him. If there's anyone who will see through the mess he has become, he knows it's you. After the life he had promised you, he feels like this version of him would be a disappointment to you.

Now don't you do this again after those apartment days Saeyoung. This backsliding is understandable and human though, so I really like that you included this as part of his character journey.

Promise Me One Thing

Part one of Don't Say My Name

Part 2 | Part 3 | Masterlist | Read on AO3 (Registered users only)

✦ Saeyoung x gn!Reader

✦ Words: 2840

✦ TW: Death mention

You remember his fury when you ran into V just a few days ago outside the compound. Anger had transformed him into a stranger. But you also remember the fondness in his voice as he talked about their history over the phone. His dedication, his appreciation. Were a few days of discoveries enough to undo all of that history?

For as long as you have known him, Saeyoung has never been able to sit still. There is always an undercurrent of nervous energy running through him – a side effect of having to grow up the way he did – keeping him alert at all times. You can see it in the nervous tap-tap-tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel as he drives, in his endless pacing, in the way he fidgets with your hand or plays with your hair while you’re close to him. Even in his sleep, he tosses and turns and mumbles incoherent sentences.

So, seeing him asleep at the hospital now is equal parts fascinating and unnerving. He is lying almost perfectly still, propped up on a few pillows, his breathing deep and even. It’s different to how he looked immediately after surgery – pale and bruised, like fighting to stay alive for that long had drained everything out of him. Now, he looks like he’s at peace. His skin has got most of its colour back, his lips are slightly pursed, his expression is serene. He’s beautiful and alive. You couldn’t ask for anything more.  

You treasure every second of peace he can get, because with the news you still have to deliver, you know it’s going to be short-lived. You had reassured Jumin that you would tell Saeyoung about everything that had happened at Mint Eye, if only to not make him relive it again. A light had gone out in Jumin, and you know it was taking him all his strength to handle everything else at the hospital.

When he first woke up from the anaesthetic, you gave Saeyoung a short version of what happened at Mint Eye, enough to give him context and reassure him, not enough to shock him (the nurse had sternly reminded you that he was still in a fragile state and needed rest). You told him that Jumin had rescued you not long after he passed out, that Saeran is in care in the same hospital. But even being half-conscious couldn’t stop him from being suspicious. He had heard the tone of Jumin’s voice, flat and monotone, from behind his door, and could see the weariness in your eyes. Even Vanderwood, on their brief visit, had been acting oddly. He tried to keep asking questions, but he was barely able to keep his eyes open. You encouraged him to take the painkillers he was given and promised that you would answer whatever questions he wanted to ask after he rested.

You had been spending the time he was asleep thinking through the events at Mint Eye over and over again, trying to string your words together the right way.

It’s not that you don’t remember. The memory of it is all there, a slideshow that plays every time you close your eyes.

The deadly glint of light catching on the gun. The shrill desperate shouts of someone whose reality has shattered. Saeran clinging onto the gun like it is the last thing that will save him. Saeyoung’s head on your lap, his blood warm and sticky on your hands as you and Vanderwood try to protect him from the crowd. 

Then the bang. The ringing silence after. The gasp of realization, of a bullet finding home. A soft ‘oh’.

A breath you didn’t realize you were holding. The thud of a body hitting the carpet, and then the screaming that never seems to end.

A part of you is still there, you’re sure of it. Reliving it over and over.

The problem is that you cannot gauge how Saeyoung is going to react to the news. You remember his fury when you ran into V just a few days ago outside the compound. Then the disgust on his face as he kicked him in the cell, over and over as you could do nothing but watch and beg him to stop. Anger had transformed him into a stranger. He seemed almost younger in those moments, funnelling years of frustration into every movement and word.

But you also remember the fondness in his voice as he talked about their history over the phone. His dedication, his appreciation. Were a few days of discoveries enough to undo all of that history?

There is only one way to find out, and you are about to, because you can see his eyelashes fluttering.

There is some relief in seeing him open his eyes again. He returns to you, waking up part by part like one of his little creations powering up. He smiles at you softly, and there's something there that's saying I can't believe you're still here with me.

“Good morning, Sunshine,” you say affectionately.

“Hi.” His voice is raspy with sleep and disuse. He seems content. You wonder what he was dreaming of.

You wonder how long it will last.

Already he starts to shuffle around. You help him sit up properly, offer him some water to drink. He eyes the bandages on his arm warily and reaches for your hand with his free one to distract himself from it. As you fill him in on who has come to visit and give him updates on Saeran’s situation, he taps his fingers against your knuckles. By the time you finish, he is more alert and you know that he’s itching to ask you about what you’re not telling him. It’s a wonder he has even waited this long. Maybe a part of him wanted to hang on to this peace for a little while longer too.

But now the knowledge that there is something that he is missing is eating away at him, filling his mind with terrible scary ideas. You can see it; his smile is fading and he is distracted even as he listens to you talk. It is the guilt of a protector who put down his weapons for just a second to rest and feels like he has failed the people he has sworn to take care of.

No doubt the things he is coming up with are convoluted and awful. It would be kinder to tell him the truth now. To stop him from worrying.

You squeeze his hand gently to draw his attention back to you.

“Saeyoung, there is something you need to know about what happened at Mint Eye, while you were… unconscious.” Hands sticky with blood, his body helpless in your arms. “Stop me if you need a moment.”

He sits up straighter, braces himself for bad news. You decide to start with the facts first, the most important part. The details can come in time, when he can handle it.

“There was an altercation at Mint Eye, before Jumin and his team arrived. V… was shot. He’s... dead.”

It comes out clumsy, your voice wobbles.

- The gasp of realization, of a bullet finding home. The thud of a body hitting the carpet. The screaming that never seems to end -

But this is not the time to get caught up in the memories. Saeyoung has gone still again. This is different to the stillness of sleep. He is frozen stiff and his jaw is clenched. It looks unnatural on him. He swallows visibly, and it takes him a second to find what he wants to say.

“He’s really… not like last time…?”

You shake your head. “I saw him myself. It’s real. The others are planning his funeral already.”

He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, his expression still blank. It’s not like at the apartment, when he was trying to process the reality of Saeran’s situation. There, fear and confusion were painted clearly on his face. Every movement was jittery, every word came out sharp because he was scared. It sounds like this news has taken something from him – or maybe changed something in him.

He isn’t looking at you. His eyes are blank and unfocused, aimed at the black TV screen opposite his bed.

“Saeyoung?"

“How did it happen?” His voice is monotone. It’s not that he actually cares, but that that he needs to know.

So much for waiting until he’s ready. The best thing you can do for him now is give him the full truth.

“There was chaos after you passed out. Saeran… he had his gun out. I’m not sure what he was thinking, he was shouting and trying to defend himself from all those people.” You stop and suppress a shudder.

If it’s possible, at the mention of Saeran’s name, Saeyoung grows stiller. Like a rubber band pulled taut, about to snap. His attention is fully on you. He can piece the rest of the story together, but he needs you to say it anyway, to make it true.

“It went off, and V jumped in front of the bullet.”

He squeezes his eyes shut like he is fighting off a headache.

“Who knows about this?”

“Only Jumin. He hasn’t told the others the… circumstances of V’s death yet.”

“Good.”

You don’t like this stillness in him. It’s like he’s about to shatter at any moment.

“What are you thinking?”

“…I’m not sure.”

But you can see it, even if he can't yet. The clenched jaw, his grip on your hand. The way his entire body has gone still. It's defeat, and in his defeat, there's anger.

You remember his frustrated pacing in the apartment as he waited for V to pick up his calls. The muttering under his breath, all the questions that were building up. Then, when he saw him at the compound, the questions he spat at him. Questions he punctuated with each kick in the basement. Over and over again, anguish and fury flowing out of him like he was an open wound. Why? How could you? What the hell happened?

His life had fallen apart in the span of a week. Of course he was angry. He had bloodied his hands for someone who had been lying to him all along. He had only told you some of the things he had been forced to do at the agency, but it was enough for you to understand. A part of him had been lost forever when he chose to become Seven Zero Seven.

Then there was Saeran. Hurt beyond recognition, exploited and abused in ways that Saeyoung was supposed to be protecting him from. What was the point of it all?

"What about her?" He says suddenly, his voice sharp. You don't have to ask who he's referring to.

"Rika is... I'm not sure. She was brought to this hospital, but she isn't really... speaking at the moment."

"Not speaking?"

"Jumin said they diagnosed her with something called aphasia? Ever since V... she hasn't said anything."

And like that, he shuts off completely. His last hope for answers, for accountability has gone silent.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Saeyoung?"

He softens, if only slightly.

"Can you please... stay?"

Stay? The thought of leaving his room, let alone the hospital hadn't even occurred to you.

"Of course."

He relaxes a little bit - there is still some tightness in his jaw - but the stillness stays with him. He doesn't fidget, doesn't try to get up, he just sits resting against the pillows of his bed staring out of the window. You know his mind is miles away, trying to fit these new pieces of his life together, trying to process the blow he has just been dealt.

Trying not to let the anger consume him completely.

˚　.˚　　　　✦ 　　　 ˚. 　˚

The soft tapping of footsteps and murmurs of doctors as they walk down the hall. The opening tune to some sitcom rerun playing on one of the TVs. People arguing behind the closed doors of a patient room. The smell of antiseptic and the creaky plastic chairs.

If hell exists, Saeyoung thinks, it’s a hospital waiting room. After all the hours he has spent here between visiting hours, he should know.

He sits slumped in one of those awful chairs, head in his hands. He must look like a wreck to anybody passing – the doctors certainly didn’t hide their disapproval – but he doesn’t care. He hasn’t had the presence of mind to make sure he looks presentable. It has only been a few days since he was discharged, but he knows that he's a mess, barely eating and sleeping, propelled onward only by his determination to help Saeran.

Today’s visit hadn’t gone well. He couldn’t be in the room for more than a few minutes before Saeran started threatening to hurt him. Saeyoung was more scared that he would hurt himself. He left quickly after that with a quick reminder that he’d be back tomorrow.

The doctors are getting increasingly impatient with both of them and he isn’t sure what to do about it. He plays nice for them, smiles placidly and thanks them again (for what exactly, he’s not sure) in the hopes that they’ll take pity on them and hold off on any drastic plans for just a little bit longer.

The whole charade makes him want to scream.

But he doesn't. Instead, that anger and frustration builds up inside him, as it has been for the past few days (weeks? months? years?). He doesn't see a way out of it.

Saeyoung is no stranger to anger. He was raised on it, a resource more plentiful than food or comfort ever was in his house. He breathed it in and let it take hold, learned to turn it back on the people around him without a moment's notice. It was the only way to survive in his world. And there was a lot to be angry at. His mother and father, for having him and his brother and then failing them both so spectacularly. At the agency for his endless stream of work. At the world, for putting even the kindest people through pain.

It takes physical effort nowadays, to keep from breaking apart. He has to walk away, has to hold his breath, has to keep his body tense. He has to, because if he lets go for even a second, even he isn't sure what the fallout will be. All he knows is that it will be messy, destructive. If he starts screaming, he may not stop. He cannot afford to lose it. Not yet. Saeran needs him. You need him (or is that one the other way around?).

There is also a part of him (however reluctant he may be to admit it) that is scared of what will be left of him without that anger.

These visits are all he has the energy for. Even after detoxing and the little treatment he has allowed, Saeran is thin and pale, all bones and bruises, the opposite of that smiling boy from the pictures that Saeyoung had come to associate with his brother. When he isn’t staring out of his hospital room window at the clouds, he’s screaming and lashing out at the people around him. When the doctors listed off all the drugs they found in his system, Saeyoung had to leave the room to avoid breaking something.

He doesn't recognise himself anymore. He has worn many masks, but even he cannot find a trace of himself in this stranger with the clenched jaw and empty eyes that looks back at him from the mirror.

He cannot stand to be near the RFA for very long amounts of time. Their grief makes him itch; their pity makes his blood boil. They have been walking on eggshells around him, much the same as they have been with Jumin. Neither of them appreciates it much, if Saeyoung's observations are anything to go by. Jumin is absent, inexpressive. Drunk, more often than not, he reckons. He wonders if he resents V too for throwing himself in front of that bullet.

He even reluctantly keeps his distance from you for fear of what might happen if you try to get through to him. If there's anyone who will see through the mess he has become, he knows it's you. After the life he had promised you, he feels like this version of him would be a disappointment to you.

God, he thinks. How did they end up here?

You will have to say goodbye to Saeran. Rika and I will take care of him. We'll make sure we save him.

Saeran had thrown the TV remote at Saeyoung’s head as he was about to leave the room. It would have hit him if Saeran’s hands weren’t shaking so much from withdrawals. He wishes it had.

We really want the two of you to be happy.

Right. Look where they ended up. This is happy.

He isn't sure how much time has passed when he finally stands up from the waiting room chair and leaves the hospital. He robotically drives himself home, returns to his desk, and sits in silence. He will probably sit here until he cannot keep his eyes open any longer.

[yoontaethings]

normal kind of love — jjk (1)

pairing: jungkook x reader 

rating: explicit

word count: 2.5k

warnings: a lot of cussing and some teasing if you squint, but other than that none really (the warnings will come next chapter lmao)

you’re one half of hollywood’s on-screen it couple. the greatest chemistry known on-screen with the one and only, jeon jungkook, the bane of your existence.

a/n: this was supposed to be a longer chapter but i decided to split it in half to tease potential readers mwahaha btw this chapter is very very unedited, though i did postpone the upload because i had to remove some parts because i just thought the story didn’t need those bits anymore lol but the rest of this story i haven’t even read through yet, i just wrote and wrote and wrote so please excuse any errors (my tenses might also not be consistent but i’ll edit this soon)

taglist: @min-nicoleee @thisartemisnevermisses @ggukkieland @kokoandkookie @somelazysundays

There was no way.

There was no way in hell they were pairing you up with him. Again.

You were confirmed to be cast as the female lead in the movie before any other characters were casted. They should have chosen a different male lead for this romance film. Heck, even Kim Taehyung, a friend of yours, received an offer for the role and you were certain he planned to take it. Unfortunately for you, even if Taehyung wanted the role, he couldn’t accept it because of scheduling conflict with another film he’s already working on.

Jeon Jungkook, an actor you starred alongside in “Dangerous Illusion”, was just confirmed as the male lead of your upcoming movie “Chosen for Pleasure”. The same man who seemed to make it his life goal to ruin you. After Jungkook was confirmed to play the male lead in your upcoming movie, fans on Twitter have been blowing up about it and made you two a trending topic worldwide. Elated fans mentioned you in their tweets expressing how happy they were to see you two again together. You wish you could say you felt the same.

The previous movie you worked on was a thriller/mystery. You played the part of Jungkook's wife in the film. The film was a blockbuster hit, as a result of the well-thought storyline, yet additionally because of its leads. Fans adored the chemistry between you and Jungkook, regardless of not having a lot of romantic scenes in the film. There were a lot of fans who wanted to see you two on-screen once more, this time, in a romance focused film. Looks like their wishes were coming true.

To add insult to injury, your impending film was going to be an adult romance. It required some steamy scenes that normally didn't trouble you because you were a true professional, yet absolutely irritates you now since you need to do them with Jeon Jungkook.

The script reading was to be done today and your eyes opened an hour later than the time you set for your alarm because of the fucking snooze button. Seriously, why were snooze buttons even invented? They just allowed people to sleep through their alarms continuously.

Hand reaching for the phone on your nightstand, you knocked over a booklet that was over it. It was the script you spent hours reading to grab a sense of the character you were going to portray. Obviously, you already knew the basics about the part you were going to play, but knowing the entire story helped in portraying your character.

Your eyes squinted at the bright light of your phone that had the numbers 8:33 glaring at you, unlocking it to see a couple of texts and missed calls from your manager.

‘Are you awake yet?’

‘Please don’t tell me you forgot about the script reading today’

‘Ok I know you’re still asleep but just make sure you get ready on time, being late won’t do you and your image any favors’

‘I’ll pick you up at 9’

You rolled your eyes at his messages. You loved Hoseok and he was the best manager you could have been given from your agency, but he nagged too much. He was also your friend and his endless nags made you want to rip your eyeballs out sometimes because even when you’re supposed to unwind with him, he never forgets to remind you of your job.

‘I’m the fucking lead, Hobi, they’ll wait for me’

You slapped your phone back onto the nightstand and started going about with your morning routine. You didn’t have a lot of time, and even though you knew they would definitely wait for you, you hated being that bitch who made people wait so you took a quick shower and slapped on some sunscreen, powder, and finishing off with your go-to lipstick. You didn’t bother with makeup and dressing up. This was just going to be a script reading and sure, there were going to be photos taken but the thousands of dollars you’ve spent on facials and treatments already made sure your face was at least flawless despite the lack of effort.

Bringing only your phone, wallet and script, you exited your building and as usual, a shiny black van already awaited outside. Hoseok was leaning on it, scrolling through his phone when he sensed your presence and looked up.

“Oh, thank god you’re on time.” He exhaled in relief, pocketing his phone.

“I value sleep but you’re well aware I also value my career.”

Hoseok grinned. “Now there’s the y/n I know.” He then slid the van door open and you entered without another word.

The drive was pretty much uneventful, with you scrolling through your social media, seeing what fans have been tweeting about recently and with Hoseok humming along to the random pop music playing.

You longed for a distraction, something much more interesting than working your thumb throughout the drive because of the chasm that you were about to jump into when you arrived on set. You weren’t stupid enough to forget about the man who got the role of your romantic interest in the film. But you were wise enough to not let it haunt you for the past weeks. Now though, you can’t really avoid it anymore since you were supposed to be seeing him in person again after almost 2 years. You didn’t exactly leave on the best terms with Jungkook but who knows, maybe you’ll be able to act civil around each other.

At least you were sure you were going to act civil around him, already decided on taking the higher path. You’re not so sure about him, but fingers crossed he’ll at least be an adult about the situation and pretend he can stand being in the same room as you.

Soon enough, you were entering the room the script reading was to be held in. Bowing and greeting the actors and staff seated around the table as you passed by to get to the last vacant seat. You caught Jungkook’s eyes following your movements as you sat down. Luckily, he was seated across from you and it was easier to ignore his presence with the staff members greeting and coddling you.

As always, script reading began with actors introducing themselves and the role they’re going to play. As the female lead, you started off.

“Hello everyone. I’m y/n y/l/n and I’m going to take on the role of Yuri.” Hands clapped around you as you sat back down.

“Hello, I’m Jeon Jungkook and I’ll be playing Ryan.”

You didn’t bother clapping unlike the rest and avoided the eyes of the voice’s origin.

The script reading continued without a hitch– for the most part. The other cast members were very friendly, and laughter was exchanged during the read. The same couldn’t be said for you and Jungkook though.

When lines between your characters were exchanged, there was a weird tension in the room. It felt like everyone else were holding their breaths and waiting for either of you two explode and announce that you can’t do this film anymore. As dramatic as that would be, none of that happened. Instead, cheesy romantic lines sounded flat and bored from both you and Jungkook. The director made a tsk-ing sound whenever that happened.

“It’s always been you.” You read. The script said that Yuri and Ryan stared in adoration towards each other before Ryan uttered his next words.

“Marry me?” Jungkook asked.

You nodded your head as a wrap for the script reading. According to the script, there was supposed to be a kissing scene at the end, so you make ridiculous smooching noises. The cast burst into giggles before the director stood from his seat.

“…and that’s a wrap!” He clasped his hands together. “Hopefully when we start shooting things only look up from there.” He flitted his eyes between you and Jungkook.

Honestly, you wish that too but from yours and Jungkook’s history, you don’t really think that’s possible.

You were both professionals though and you’re sure you could at least count on him to make the on-screen romance feel real.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok said with pity in his eyes.

“Wha- but… why?” You asked, confused with what was happening.

Your part in the new film ‘The Notebook: Remake’ has apparently been withdrawn. As one of the rising stars in Hollywood, this was a really great opportunity for you. It’s one of the most anticipated films and accepting the offer of being the female lead in the movie was a no-brainer. Anyone who refuses that role is just stupid.

But now they were apparently taking it back.

Hoseok sighed. “There were too many scandals surrounding you recently. It doesn’t matter if they’re true or not, but you’ve been seen in hotels that Jeon Jungkook has been in too, and in everyone’s eyes you’re now secretly seeing him.”

“But we’ve never even been seen together in any of those photos. Don’t people know the word fucking coincidence?” Your brows furrowed, fists clenching at your sides. “And what does this have to do with my role in the film?”

“It seems they wanted someone with a ‘cleaner image’ and someone who’ll get the film to be a hit. Apparently, the romance won't be convincing if the female lead is dating someone in real life.”

You stared at Hoseok. He stared back waiting for a lash out, an angry outburst, anything really, but you remained silent, eyes unmoving. Soon enough, the dam doors burst open and the tears suddenly came streaming down your face. Hoseok exhaled and wrapped his arms around you.

“Hobi what did I do so wrong to deserve this?” you sobbed into his chest.

“Shh, it’s not your fault they’re all dumbasses. But you know the industry, y/n. We’ll find better films for you, okay?”

“Why is Jeon Jungkook such a thorn on my side? Why is he always ruining everything for me?”

“We can’t blame him, honey. He’s probably a victim in this too because of those damn rumor outlets.” Hoseok rubbed his hands along your back.

“But I’m getting the short end of the stick! The rumor is probably just feeding his bad boy persona!”

“Life’s unfair, y/n. Surely by now you’re aware of that. Just remember, karma’s going to bite them in the ass someday, okay? For now, do you want to call it a day and go home? I’ll drive you back and I’ll just report to the agency that you’re not feeling well.”

You nod your head, too listless to bother answering with words because there was only one thing on your mind right now.

Fuck Jeon Jungkook and his good looks. He just ruined the best opportunity for you. You were going to get him back for this. Like Hoseok said, karma’s going to bite him in the ass someday. And that karma was going to be you.

You were supposed to be looking forward to filming one of your dream movies with your dream director. But all you felt was dread when you arrived on set. You promised yourself that you’d stay unaffected to Jeon Jungkook, but you couldn’t help the distaste for him to be left on your face while filming.

The scene you were shooting was when your characters first met and the first takes were a total disaster. You and Jungkook barely spared each other a glance, even when your character was supposed to be enticed by him, breaking down Yuri’s cold exterior. A break was called after the 6th take because the director was so frustrated that he looked like he was about to call the casting director and replace his two leads.

You sighed, not knowing what to do with yourself after the announcement of a break. Your feet led you to your dressing room, ready to pass out on the couch but before you could, someone barged in. Your head turned towards the door, expecting it to be your manager or the director or anyone really, just not the person who currently stood at the doorway.

“Can we talk?” Jungkook asked. Your eyes were suddenly drawn to his biceps which bulged from his shirt as he crossed his arms. The damn arms looked delicious. Too bad they belonged to someone you would never ever be attracted to.

“Sure.” You shrugged your shoulders. You were sure he came here to talk to you about filming and how to work out your indifferences and shit like that and honestly, you were so tired of hating him you’re ready to just go along with whatever. Hating someone actually takes a lot of effort, you realize.

Jungkook stepped towards you until he’s close enough that you had to tilt your head upwards to look at his eyes. His eyes locked on yours for a moment before his arms uncrossed and one of his hands landed on the wall behind you. He successfully caged you in with no way out. His lips part and your eyes are drawn to the movement, feeling his exhales on your nose. You swallowed nervously.

Good lord his breath smelled so good.

“Babe, I’m sure you’re just as thrilled as I am to be working with you again as you are with me, but let’s not mess this up okay? Let’s get this over with perfectly and quickly so we don’t have to deal with each other again after. Deal?” His eyebrows raised in question and you nodded dumbly, unable to form a coherent sentence with how close he was to you.

You felt a sudden rush of heat down there and was mentally cursing the man in front of you for how much he was affecting you. He tilted his head to the side and leaned in closer to your face as if he was about to kiss you then he suddenly stopped, his mouth forming a smirk, taunting you.

That smirk was all it took for you to snap back to reality. No, you were not going to let him take the upper hand here. A burst of confidence surged through you as you leaned closer to him too and allowed your lips to brush lightly against his cheek.

“Deal.”

You pulled away, satisfied with how his lips drooped apparently not expecting that. You looked down and there it was, the tenting of his pants that brought a coy smile to your lips. Ha, take that.

You glanced back up at him, your fingers trailing over his thighs. “Aw, didn’t realize you saw me that way Jeon.” You abruptly pulled away and walked out of the room without another word, leaving him hard and defeated.

This is the beginning of his karma, you thought as you grinned to yourself.

[szftzy]

I cant be the only anon who would forgive the archons in the self aware villian! AU. I hate the thought of people begging for ME to forgive instead of the other way around

Also I would definetly hang out with the teens and kids

Nurture and Healing arc?

anyways too much of an amazing idea that now i wanna turn it into a fic suffer lol [also same thing anon i dont wanna hurt them bc no, i would literally feel bad on the spot

Currently Playing: Little Dark Age - MGMT [Recommended to play while reading]

It seemed like a fun game, how did it come to a time where all the characters despised you? when did it come a time where all the characters would blatantly spite harsh words to you on the spot? What did you ever do to gain the title of an imposter? A fraud?

of course, no one would speak of what you are ‘imposing’ If you really were a fraud what did you seem to be copying? your your own person, you werent some divine one, heck even if you were you’d be ashamed to say that these are the people who you created and blessed. Did they deserve it with this type of behavior? lets see what your take on it is..

“police-men swear to god, love‘s seeping from the guns”

you looked down on them as they cried and pleaded for your forgiveness, bowing down ei begged, she didnt know what she was begging for, but she felt as if she owed you an apology, because she definitely did, after all what she put you through isnt deserving for JUST an apology, heck what she owes you is so much more

but, what was your take on it? you felt as if you didnt deserve the pain she was going through, sure yeah she may have badly hurt you, but she werent aware. and besides you didnt want any hard feelings with anyone, you just wanted to be comforted and embraced after all you’ve been through.

zhongli was more quieter, bowing down as he pleased for forgiveness, he felt as if he had failed protecting your legacy, when he saw you for the first time recognizing you as an imposter he simply wanted to protect you, but he did the absolute opposite and he couldn’t forgive himself. He failed his title morax. and he felt as he has broken a contract, and needs a punishment for doing so.

you didn’t want others to be bowing down at you treating you like absolute royalty with whatever luxurious items they had, no you just simply wanted to be embraced and treated as a normal human being, morax was one patient man. He had lived all his life on glory and you think he should continue doing so without any of your approval

when venti found out you were the actual one, and not a fraud he quickly went through the 5 stages of grief twice, he couldnt process it until The next 5 minutes came, you didn't deserve this, infact— he realized how horrible it is to treat a being like this, even if they were an imposter, he felt ashamed, and felt as if he deserves any punishment you give him.

you decided, you slowly stepped down the stairs of (?) and slowly but surely crouched down to venti’s level, he winced; ready for any punishment you give him, instead he feels something ruffling his head.. he opened his eyes and saw you patting his head! which actually made him take everything off his mind for a single minute, Snuggling to the warmth in your hands grasp.

‘i forgive all of you, however why, why do you treat beings you see as an imposter like a rag doll? Like a toy to throw away? Have they done something terrible to you?’

ei perked her head at that, that was actually.. a good question, ever since she locked herself in the planes of her euthymia she hadn’t felt care or affection to a single being, not considering anything about them, a hard cold shield to break guarding her true personality. “If you get out of bed, come find us heading for the bridge, bring a stone. All the rage, my little dark age”

OK I FORGOT TO ADD TAGS ANYWAYS HERES UR DAILY FOOD, [btw you can notice i put a little more effort than usual-]

[ha-hatdog]

daisuke kambe hcs

- what is it like to be dating daisuke kambe/domestic life with daisuke kambe

i hope you don't mind but i slapped two requests together because they were nearly similar. since i am making one post with two requests, i'll try to make this longer. i hope you enjoy this

requested by anon (i just turned my anon ask and i'll just go ahead and presume you want to be anon hehe sorry about that) : Hi, I saw your post. 😳 I just wanna say goodluck to your writing! and I'll be looking forward to them in the future. ❤ (Your anon asks aren't on btw. 😔) And for the request, it can be a headcanon or a short fic/scenario, whichever you like. :3 But can I please get soft/domestic Daisuke to his s/o (which is the reader)? Like, they're taking care of each other stuff. ❤👁👄👁

uwu thank you so much and i look forward to writing more stories for you

requested by @holdmejk : what it’s like to date daisuke 🥺

i wonder too how it would be like to date this rich man so here ya go

__

haru kato is the simple man, simple life

there is no way daisuke kambe can be considered the same. this is the very reason why haru hates the man with a burning passion

waking up with daisuke goes two ways - the normal soft wake up, or the after sex wake up

if you wake up normally, you will always find yourself on his chest, a hand over the small of your back and the other behind your head, pressing you close to him as if you were his leverage to the real world

you never get tired of seeing him peaceful and cute that you kiss him everywhere your lips can touch - his chest, his cheek, his nose, his forehead, but never his lips

daisuke loves waking up to your kisses but what really gets rid of his sleepiness is the annoyance he felt that you never kiss him on the lips

he will lift his head up from the pillow while holding your head and lean forward to capture your lips. no, he doesn't care about morning breath, he cares about your kisses

if you two had sex the night before, it's a different story because it's daisuke who always wakes up first this time around because you know, he tired the hell out of you

he runs his fingers through your matted tresses as the side of his head rested against his open palm, elbow proped up on his pillow

he loves how you look so happy and satisfied and peaceful. he admires your beauty silenty, a small smile on his lips

he'll try to go another round because he can't help himself when you look so enticing but you stop him because you were already so tired

you will drown in luxurious things. this daisuke kambe we are talking about. what did you expect?

you want it? you got it. you like it? you got it. you need it? you got it. your eyes looked at it a second too long? you got it

daisuke believes you deserve the best of the best so whatever you wanted, bam, something much better

flowers? you get a garden. chocolate? you get a factory. movies? you get a theater. cup noodles? you get a ramen shop or the actual cup noodles company. dress? you get your own clothing line that trumps over versace and gucci

oh you think you can stop daisuke from spoiling you just because you begged him and showed him your big doe eyes? he was tempted for sure but there is no way he'll be holding back, especially after seeing your big doe eyes (yup, that plan backfired)

one hard thing about dating a millionaire? you can't buy anything for him

you do not have the money to lavish him the same, and even if you did, it's stupid to assume daisuke can't afford the same things you plan on buying for him. maybe he'll buy something even better

so instead of spoiling him like he does to you, you buy him trinkets that remind you of him

daisuke has no clue as to why items could remind you of him but he still keeps everything you buy for him close to him like in his office so he can always see them

you bought daisuke a goofy looking bobble head and he put it on the dashboard of his super cool looking car and haru was like the hell is that

daisuke sped through the streets before haru could make a comment

daisuke trust you more than anyone. more than suzue, more than haru, more than himself, more than his credit card

that being said, you are the only one he allows to patch him up after a particularly rough day at work

he will literally drive all the way to your shared home while bleeding out, enter your shared room as more blood trailed his face and deadass say "Can you help me? My head is bleeding"

you scold him for being so reckless and for always giving you a heart attack whenever he comes home in that condition

he doesn't mind being lectured tho because he still gets to feel your soft touches and gets lots and lots of kisses from you

he doesn't get why you kiss his wounds after patching him up. like his wounds are dirty? it still hurts? what was the science behind it? he still won't get it even if you explain it to him but he'll take note for reference

when you get injured, you are obligated to tell daisuke that you are not severely hurt that he had to call the hospitals all around the world to come heal you

you had to snatch the phone from him at one point when he tried to contact professional surgeons from america after you scratched yourself from a bush

daisuke at least knows how to use the first aid kit and no matter how little your injury may be, he will always proceed with the basics because he's very worried about you (though his face doesn't show it), that your small wound would get infected, and then you'll be on your death bed saying your last words, and then he's kneeling on your grave -

you had no idea this is what goes on inside his head every time you get injured

he also kisses your wounds after patching them up. he still doesn't understand the reason as to why you and others do it, but he does it because you do it

daisuke doesn't allow you to move a muscle aftee he's done fixing your wounds. he acts as if you have a terminal disease and would check on you every five minutes when he's working at home and calls you every three minutes when doing police work (haru gets annoyed with that habit so you had a talk with him)

dates with daisuke is far from simple. you either go to the most expensive resorts or attractions in japan or you're going out of the country. yes, your dates are basically mini vacations

so that's the reason why whenever you two want to spend time together, you are in charge. you can't always go to malaysia and england every weekend. plausible when you're with daisuke but you're not having it

you try to make your dates as simple as it can be. like what regular couples would do like going to movies (he was irritated because he had to sit near other people because he only wants to be near you), hanging out in the mall ("No, Daisuke, don't you dare buy that Gucci bag for me, I just glanced at it - oh for fuck sake"), and eating food from stands (Daisuke was confused like where will you two sit so you can eat your food properly?)

you two went ice skating and you guided him as he wobbled on his skates. you never let go of him because the first time you let go of him so he can try to balance alone in the ice, he looked very worried and made grabby hands at you

he becomes better at skating after doing it so many times. you were a little jealous because he's better than you now

daisuke his whole life always had a professional chef make something for him and when he began dating you, he also began inviting other professional chefs to make something for you two

but as your relationship grew stronger, you began cooking for him and you made him feel so special and he couldn't react properly

sometimes he watches you cook and helps with the cutting (you stopped him when he cut himself), but most of the time he's at his office and you bring his food to him and he scolrs you because he wants to eat properly with you ay the dining table

bringing food to his office is a no no. eating together at the dining table and sharing stories together is a yes yes

you don't know if the food you make for him is good or bad to be honest because he always has a deadpan face and if it is bad he won't tell because he'll hurt your precious little feelings but he'll be blunt as hell if it was another person

don't even wish that daisuke will cook for you. don't get him wrong tho, he really wants to but he's been pampered a little too much that he can't distinguish onion from garlic. he just thinks garlic is an elderly onion lmao

so yeah, daisuke cannot cook

but he likes cleaning the dishes with you because he can spray you with water and he'll hear your giggles. you always break many plates when you clean dishes and always drenched in water after your little fight

having the same authority with his AI. you rarely use the AI unless absolutely necessary and you can communicate with daisuke through it. you always mess with daisuke and you'll say something to the AI like "dial haru" and AI will go like "contacting haru kato" daisuke will go "cancel dial" and then AI says "cancelling contact" and you'll say "dial haru again" and the cycle goes on

late night walks are common for you two. when he comes home earlier than he originally does, he will insist you to take a walk on his private property and if he's feeling extra generous, he'll let you take him outside and to the park or something

you can take him to the convenience, the gas station, the prison - as long as he's with you, he's fine

stargazing is part of the late night walks. he'll point at a star and you'll say what constallesation that star was part of

"do you want that star"

"no daisuke"

"i can buy it"

"you are not buying a star"

daisuke : (꒪-꒪) ⇨(¬､¬)

he loves kissing you on the lips. your lips and kisses were just so addicting and sweet that he can't find another better place to kiss you

plus your blush is too adorable. he smirks whenever you get flustered. add a soft embrace to the mix, and his heart melts

daisuke will always open the door for you. in cars, in restaurants (he'll pull your chair for you too), in anywhere

he won't let you open a door as long he's there with you cause he's a simp for you

he won't care about any other person trying to enter an establishment after you enter. he'll let go of the door handle and won't even turn if he hears a loud thump behind him

you know what else he loves? hand holding. daisuke always holds your hand whenever you're outside and will only let go if absolutely necessary like going to the comfort room

he likes playing with your fingers while you love tracing the lines on his palm. you'll probably make a cheesy joke that you can see him marrying you in his future and he goes ( ºΔº )

"how do you know i was planning to marry you?" ( ºΔº ) "can you really read palms?"

you always massage each other because stress. when you massage him, he'll let out small mewls that just makes you go omg so cute but when he massages you - he will whip out the best of best stuff for massage

he will play relaxing music for you. you fall asleep whenever daisuke massages you because he's just so good with his hands

you know what else those hands are good for? touching your body in places that'll make you blush but he mostly especially likes cupping your butt because he thinks its so cute

you don't try to do the same because last time you did, you couldn't walk the day after. don't seduce daisuke if you're not prepared for a pounding

you like grocery shopping with daisuke. sure you can always order someone else to do it or you can make use of shopping as a time to bond with each other

you two work out together. daisuke is a boxer and learning that, you begged him to teach you to box but he didn't because what if he hurts you and instead, taught you how to workout and how to defend yourself

he wanted to test out if his self defense lessons were truly learned so he hired someone to pretend to steal something from you

he learned that his self defense lessons was fruitful because the man he hired came back with bruises and such

when daisuke admitted, he slept on the couch for an entire week

in your birthday, you woke up feeling nervous because it's your birthday - meaning daisuke must be up to some expensive shit

then you realized you're not in your bedroom. it was a completely different bedroom

you were scared honestly and you thought you were kidnapped until daisuke comes into your room wearing his beach wear and his shades while holding two coconuts with straws

"happy birthday. welcome to hawaii, my love"

HOW DID HE BRING YOU THERE WITHOUT WAKING YOU UP

you're just very tired the previous night after some fun activities with daisuke if you know what i mean wink wonk you wouldn't wake up no matter how many times you tried

suzue adores you because daisuke smiles more with you and you're best friends uwu so cuteeee

will always be your peace maker whenever you and daisuke fight. she ships you two. her ship cannot sink

suzue: "just hug it out now. hug it out - I SAID HUG DON'T MAKE OUT YOU TWO ARE GOING TOO FAST"

daisuke loves head pats. he wants them all the time. ruffle ruffle his hair. his eyes will close whenever you pat his head

he only wants you to pat his head. anybody else is a no no. maybe suzue but mostly just you

he lets you get all the groceries while he pushes the cart. he doesn't know the brands he sees on the shelves so he depends on you all the time

there's another reason he likes holding hands with you - he doesn't get lost. there was this time when he got lost because you let go of him and someone called you in the intercom and when you went there, you saw daisuke waiting for you with crossed arms and a balloon and its string around his wrist

the person at service said he was frowning the whole time you were gone and so they gave him a balloon but all he did was frown while playing with the balloon. he's mad because he got lost, you were gone, and you let go of his hand

you two are opposite of haru and his girlfriend in grocery shopping

you love it when his hair is down because he's so cute? can a man really be cute and hot at the same time?

the first you saw him with his hair down, you swooned and coddled him and since then, daisuke makes it his point to put his hair down more often now

taking baths together is just as great as massages. shower? you're not some commoner peasant. you use a very large bathtub

you relax with daisuke in the bathtub with bubbles and wine and sometimes he read you a poem from the poetry book he brings at times

you two always go to bathe together. but if you feel like you wanna bathe alone, daisuke will get all pouty aww and sulk aww

he will sit at the toilet seat and stare at you and when he does this, you can't hold yourself back anymore because he's too adorable and just let him join you with a sigh. he's with you in the bathtub in seconds

but if you don't, he'll leave the bathroom after a while and poke his head at the door, staring at you, as if saying this is your last chance and if you still don't allow him, there is a good chance you'll find him sulking on your bed while lying down, back facing you

just cuddle with him, he'll be fine

haru still doesn't believe daisuke got someone like you as his girlfriend because you're so kind and down to earth and you're dating this rich bastard like whaaaat

you try to make haru see the good qualities of daisuke and every single time you do, daisuke does something to piss him off

you made it your personal mission to experience the regular life of a human being without an unlimited balance

daisuke allows you to style his hair whenever you two sit on the couch. any hairstyles, any accessories, he's open so long your soft fingers are on his hair

you have always wanted a dog and begged daisuke for one but he did not relent, saying it was too much work and although it hurts to see you sad, he had to be strong

this is the only thing and time he said no to you and i'm pretty sure you heard haru scream in horror at the distance in disbelief

then one day you and him were walking down a street when a small puppy trotted up to you two wagging its tail and barking happily at you

you bent down and patted it, cooing and daisuke is wary of that small adorable pup. will it bite you? surely the pup has some common sense

you scooped the pup up and it licked your face and you were laughing and daisuke just has a sudden realization - who looked cuter? you or the puppy? or perhaps you made each other cuter?

daisuke rejected the puppy when you tried giving it to him but you forced it into his arms. daisuke and the pup kinda just stared at each other for a long time. you honestly thought you broke both of them until daisuke kissed the forehead of the puppy, hesitantly but softly

you were shooked (you swore you can hear haru screaming again)

daisuke couldn't help himself. something about the puppy just reminded him of you. it's those puppy eyes

"we need to find its owner, daisuke"

"no"

you told him he cannot buy the puppy because the owner must be worried sick

but it turned out it was a stray lil pup and you adopted her

now daisuke comes home to see you sleeping on the couch waiting for him with the pup in your arms. his heart melts every time

his small little family

for now

Daisuke Kambe let out an exhausted sigh as he parked his car in the garage. His hair was tousled, eyelids dropping, and jacket discarded on the passenger seat beside him. The case earlier has proven difficult than the previous ones he had taken. The criminal was harder to catch with his agility and athletic abilities, and was not easily persuaded when beckoned by cash. Not to mention his partner has been rebuking him the whole time, ranting about how justice workes and how money does not solve everything - basically, the usual. He was extremely fatigued, and all he wanted to do was wash up and go to bed with his beloved in his arms.

A tired smile broke his bland visage at the thought of you. The only reason he hasn't decided to spend the night at a hotel was because you weren't there. The faster he moves, the faster he can get to bed with you. Oh, he can't wait to see you and that little puppy of yours and his.

He exited the car, jacket draped over his shoulder. He sluggishly went to the front door and entered. As he delved further into his mansion, he was immediately greeted by a lovely sight. Your slumbering figure was laid out on the couch, the newly adopted puppy curling near your chest and resting with you. Warmth swaddled his heart and his eyes softened. All of a sudden, the exhaustion he felt has vanished, and all he could do was admire this masterpiece before him. You were waiting for him again.

As much as he wanted to see you like this longer, he couldn't let you sleep on the couch. There's a much more comfortable bed waiting for you upstairs. He approached you with quiet footsteps. The puppy perked up, her superb hearing picking up the sound of his advancement. Daisuke knelt down and stroked her head. "Good evening, Chico." Then he turned to you. You looked so peaceful - parted lips, even breathing. He leaned forward and pecked your cheek, smiling a small smile when you shifted. "Good evening, love."

You let out a yawn as you rubbed your eyes, body shuffling. "Daisuke?" You groaned out. "Is that you?"

Daisuke knew you couldn't see him but he nodded anyway. "You don't have to keep waiting for me like this, you know."

To his surprise, you wrapped your arms around him and pulled yourself closer to his body. "But I want to. And I missed you." You yawned through your statement as you nuzzled your head on his neck. "You still smell good after being outside the whole day. How unfair."

Daisuke let out a chuckle. "Come on. Let's get you to bed." He stood up easily even with your form carried in his arms. Chico jumped out of the couch at the same time and followed Daisuke as he carried you upstairs to your shared room, lying you down carefully on the bed. Daisuke made an attempt to withdraw from the withholding grapple of your arms around his neck but his endeavor was less then proliferant as you have established a stronger hold on him, unrelenting.

Daisuke let out a sigh as he tried to adjust from the uncomfortable stance he was positioned in. "I need to change first, Y/N." Badgered Daisuke, hands resting on your back.

Yet his words did no preclude you and you merely shook your head in response. "No," Your eyes shone with defiance, pout manifesting on your lips. "Stay."

"I'll come back in a few, love. I can't sleep in my work clothes." Insisted Daisuke, resolve crumbling the more he looked into your eyes.

"I don't care. Just stay." You grumbled.

Sometimes Daisuke sometimes wondered just how much power you had over him. He couldn't say no to you, apart for that one time when you asked if you two could get a puppy. Looking back at it, he felt guilty that he did not allow you two to have a dog earlier but if it wasn't for his stubborness, you wouldn't have come across Chico.

Speaking of the little puppy, it had successfully jumped on the bed and let out a merry howl. Distracted by the new development of the young dog, you were able to pull Daisuke down on the space beside you and did not think twice before snuggling to his side, arms embracing him tightly as you grinned happily, a happy giggle exiting your lips. You rubbed your head on his shoulders, sighing contentedly. "You're staying here with us."

Daisuke looked down at your beaming face and looked away, redness tinting his cheeks. "If it can't be helped." He stated, but he knew he made his choice the moment you had told him to stay.

Daisuke slowly wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer, and you willingly accepted his affection. You were so warm, so loving. How did he ever find you?

And then came the cloud of exhaustion. His eyelids gradually drooped over his sockets, his strength withering every second that had gone by until the last thing he saw before sleep overcame him was you and a bounding Chico burying herself in between the two of you.

[virtualprincessrosiana]

Just stumbled upon ur blog (and I think it's pretty cool:)) btw) so I don't know much abt what u r exactly referring to (again, since I'm new JSJSHH) BUT what I can tell you is that yes it's understandable to want ppl to, in a way, credit you when using a chunk of your analysis/ thoughts etc. 'cuz u thought about something for a while, maybe even used sources and your own knowledge, etc. So yeah. It doesn't cost anything to reblog your posts and add their comments or to just say "I got this idea from dash or @dash's analysis"

As I said, I don't know much about you but I think you tend to villify yourself a little much than needed :[ Like, everyone has their own flaws and issues it's a-ok. It's normal to feel anger, hate, sad, etc all the "negative" emotions are totally fine especially when u don't hurt anyone, you're human after all.

Also, intrusive thoughts (I'm sure that's what they're called but correct me if I'm wrong TT) are actually pretty common. And according to sources online they don't mean anything really, not a secret desire to violence or anything and they can be triggered by anxiety or stress and other disorders ig (U can read more here) . I read someone's experience with an excessive amount of such thoughts and turns out they had depression. I'm no expert but I'm just sharing what I know ;;

I hope that didn't come off as intrusive but I just felt I should let u know.

(this isn't pity I promise) but tbh you seem to be dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and I feel for you, hope you get better soon physically and mentally ʕ⁠っ⁠•⁠ᴥ⁠•⁠ʔ⁠っ💝

PS: don't be so hard on yourself pls 🫶

people: *treating you like a god or someone who can answer all their questions*

you: *sobs in autistic gay trans man who is slowly dying in depression and bacterial infection while being allergic to antibiotics*

HAVING HIGH STANDARDS IN ME IT'S SO BAD— This post will not have colours, seriously, understand what I say

Like ignoring how is my fucking mental health and physical health, you guys have to take in consideration I'm also as toxic as Mori AND Verlaine which means: I'm very clingy, emotional dependant to others, my anger issues end up making me have so many unwanted thoughts of ACTUALLY MURDERING SOMEONE— And even if I had diagnosed depression at 12 or 13 that never got treated at all except the fact I can't take antidepressants anymore because I had an overdose, PROBABLY I am depressed for how bad I want to kill myself since some months ago and I have questioned myself so much I think I'm a walking error in society

Guys I also get offended so easily, I'm a perfectionist, extremely strict... You guys can ask my help, many people have done it before, but I'm sadly strict, a perfectionist and I want to think there's a fucking proof me being a perfectionist even if I did apologize. Also if I find out any of you (followers) do a copy-paste of what I said and say "it's just my opinion" without saying that you have read my posts or something I fucking feel offended, would immediately block you and I would get SO MAD

I am not someone to admire, someone to have in a high standar— I have many issues that can't be solved right now, have many toxic traits... Don't treat me like a God, don't see me like a God and don't repost what I say

You guys can have your opinions, can change your opinions because of my post... It's not your fault I feel personally attacked if you guys do a copy-paste of what I say and say it's your opinion— Although I want to think it's a rational thought—

Am I right in that though???? Telling you guys to not repost what I say and say it's yours???? Please answer :(((

[vanserraseris]

END OF PART I - Literally can’t believe I just sat here and posted that 500 characters at a time lol I hope you’re not too disappointed with this, I’m well aware it’s a bit of a disaster but it’s been real nice sending it to you :))

haha its unreal but i loved it sm!!! thanks for sending <3 btw if you want to send me a summary, i can add it into the masterlist!

here’s part 1 in full!

Prince of Ashes. Part I.

masterlist.

Eris could feel his heart beating as he ran through the halls of The Forest House. His breaths were unsteady and panicked, but he tried to school his features into a mask of calm in case he ran into his father. He adjusted the sword at his side, had grabbed the weapon and shoved it messily in his belt as he’d rushed out of his room. The torches he passed along the walls flared brightly, as if in warning. Eris hoped his father hadn’t done anything foolish.

The rumble of magic that had passed through the estate could only mean something horrible had happened. Eris didn’t slow down as he practically slammed through the doors of his mother’s chambers, not caring that he hadn’t bothered to put a tunic over his thin undershirt and knowing he looked ridiculous in an old pair of brown leather boots.

Eris paused at what he saw once he spotted the woman who’d raised him. He was not expecting his mother to be weeping at the healthy babe in her arms, her shoulders hunched as her breath hitched every so often.

Eris had perfected his carefully crafted image. He was the Tamer of Flames, the Heir of Autumn, the Prince of Ashes. He was calculated and hateful on his good days, cruel and horrible on his bad days. He wanted to be a son his father could be proud of, and he wanted to be a son his mother could look in the eye. As he stood in the doorway of his mother’s room, he bounced on the balls of his feet, feeling very much like a nervous child instead.

“Mother,” Eris breathed, not knowing if he should approach. Eris had been in the middle of reading through some reports when he’d felt the magic, he must have looked a mess after having run through the halls of The Forest House like some youngling.

“Eris?” His mother asked through her tears, more emotion than Eris had seen from her in centuries. “What’s happened?” Eris said as he walked towards them, his tone uncharacteristically soft. The pulse of angry magic that Eris had felt minutes before had worried him, but looking at both his mother and the seemingly healthy child had Eris very confused.

His mother merely shook her head and carefully placed the little bundle in Eris’ arms. Eris had only ever held one of his brothers when they’d been this small and fragile. It must be a girl, Eris thought, why else would his father be so angry, why else would his mother weep. He felt an odd sadness, pitying any female born into this court. “I want to name him Lucien,” his mother whispered, as if it were a secret.

Eris was only more confused, “Cauldon bless him,” he muttered, moving the blankets so that he could peer at the face of his brother. The baby’s eyes were closed, his mouth slightly parted as he huffed tiny breaths in his sleep.

“Eris, I must ask something of you,” his mother tugged on the loose sleeve of his shirt, her other hand wiping the tears from her cheeks. Eris was still looking at the child in his arms, but he nodded for her to go on. His mother never asked anything of him and Eris had never asked anything of his mother. “You must protect him.”

Eris nodded again. He thought he’d done a particularly good job at taking care of Rufus since his mother had been an empty shell when he’d been born. Not that Eris could blame her, he figured spending too much time around Beron was the cause. Eris had kept Rufus as far away from his father as he could, and while Rufus had a reputation for taking nothing seriously, all things considered, he was a good male.

“Give me your vow.” Eris furrowed his auburn brows, glancing to his mother as she gently took the child from his arms and placed him in his cradle. Strange, Eris thought, but would not question it. His mother had said it so firmly that Eris had been reminded of the female he remembered from his childhood. 

“I give you my vow, my solemn oath, to protect this child,” Eris said, unwavering eyes on his mother.

“Beron wants him dead,” she said softly, calmly.

“What?” Eris snapped, probably much harsher than he needed to be. 

“Your father wants to leave the babe to the elements,” she reached for Eris’s hand, but he jerked away from his mother. Fool, Eris thought, he was a fool. Hadn’t his father taught him since he could speak to never give anyone his oath. 

“Why?” Eris growled, and while he might have been frustrated with having agreed to his mother’s wishes, he was horrified at the thought that his father would kill an innocent child.

Even if the High Lord of the Autumn Court did not care much for his sons, he had always valued them as political pawns. Fae children were rare, his father had always known they would grow to be assets. Eris had spent much of his life fearing what his father would do to him and his brothers in anger, but he found a strange comfort in knowing Beron would never kill one of his sons. Eris looked at his mother, mouth dropping open slightly.

Eris took great pride in the fact that his emotions never openly showed on his face, not unless he wanted them to, but he couldn’t help it. Eris was a little horrified, a little concerned. His mother had gone off and had an affair, right under Beron’s nose, the runt in the cradle was his half-brother. Eris needed a strong fucking drink to swallow that realization. No. Beron would never kill one of his sons.

His mother looked at Eris with devastation, she sniffled once, ran a hand through her hair. She looked tired, but Eris couldn’t remember the last time his mother had looked so alive. “Eris, please, he… he is still your brother, please. Your father has doubts, but it is mere speculation.” She lifted her face to look up at her eldest son, “If he is under your protection …” She broke off then, looking at Eris with hopeful russett eyes.

Eris nearly flinched at her words, of course Lucien was still his brother, he thought. And not only that, but he’d vowed to keep the runt safe. Eris didn’t need to be a seer to know this vow would become a problem at some point, but he pushed those negative thoughts from his head. Eris moved to look into the crib, at the small babe inside it, “Are you sure about calling him Lucien?” 

His mother’s shoulders sagged with relief, “What’s the matter with it?”

Eris tilted his head to the side as he continued to stare at his youngest brother. “Mother, his name means sunshine in the Old Tongue, perhaps you should reconsider.” 

His mother flashed him a small smile, momentarily shocking Eris, “It means light.” 

“I hardly think that’s any better,” Eris was debating whether or not to ask who the father was when he heard the loud steps approaching the room, and he turned to face the carved doors of his mother’s chambers with a deep breath.

The doors slammed open with a loud crash, Eris was surprised the babe didn’t wake. “Give me the child,” Beron said with a frighteningly quiet voice. 

“Father,” Eris said, warning in his tone. Eris was many things, but he wasn’t an oath-breaker. 

“Do not involve yourself in matters that do not concern you,” Beron spat, “Give me the child.” 

Eris moved closer to his father, his hand moving towards the sword at his side, “Father.”

The High Lord of Autumn paused, looking at his son carefully. Eris let golden flames flare in his eyes. His father stood straighter, eyes flicking to the hand Eris had placed on the hilt of his weapon. “You would fight me, boy?” His father laughed with no amusement before he flashed a taunting smile in Eris’s direction, “You would fight me?” Eris knew that perhaps he should have reconsidered his approach to the whole situation when he felt the magic in the room swell.

The crackling magic that flowed through Eris’s veins was lethal, but not as strong as his father’s. Eris lifted his chin, “Father, leave the child.” Beron reached for his own weapon, and Eris drew his sword. His father was more experienced, and Eris knew his talents did not lie in combat, but he would fight for this. If he died, though, he worried what Beron would do to Rufus, but he wouldn’t let Beron leave Lucien to the elements. At least not without a fight.

“Eris!” His mother moved to stand between them, but Eris pushed her back with his arm. He would regret sending her crashing against the wardrobe later, but he was much too focused on his father to care too much about that now. Beron lunged at Eris with his sword, and Eris easily deflected the blow that was aimed at his chest. Eris’s amber eyes widened, but he wasn’t entirely sure why it shocked him to know that his father would strike to kill.

Eris had to lead his father away from his mother and the child, so with a small snarl Eris threw himself at his father, his sword arcing in the air. With a powerful blow, Beron stumbled out into the hall. The servants that had dutifully been attending to their business shrieked as their swords slammed together, the sound of metal against metal echoing as the servants ran away from them.

Beron was much stronger than Eris. He had been fighting for much longer, and Eris knew that if he started using his magic against his father, his father would respond with magic much stronger than his. Eris parried his father’s first series of blows, but it was an effort. High Lords were a different breed, and with each clash of their swords, Eris was reminded of that fact. “Ungrateful,” his father spat, cutting Eris on the thigh with a long swipe of his sword.

Eris heard his mother screaming at Beron to stop, and he knew that the cut along his leg was deep, but he managed to whirl out of the way of his father’s blade as it came frighteningly close to his neck. Eris put all his weight in the next swing of his sword, and Beron grinned as their swords met and they faced each other. “Why protect the little runt?” Beron’s grin merely widened, “You wish to have another brother fight you for the throne?”

Eris flashed him a crooked grin in return, ignoring the pain in his leg as he spoke to his father over the cross of their swords. “I am not afraid.” 

“Perhaps you should be.” Eris could not respond fast enough as his father stopped pushing against him, and Eris lost his balance. It was only a moment, but it was enough. Beron’s blade skidded across the edge of Eris’s sword, and Eris knew he had made a terrible mistake. Beron thrust his blade into Eris’ side.

Eris felt blank, he vaguely realized he’d cried out as his father twisted the blade before his own weapon fell from his weak fingers. He didn’t hear the sound of it as it dropped against the floor, the roaring in his ears was much too loud. “Are you happy now, Eris,” Beron said, putting a hand up to his son’s face in a strangely father-like gesture, the other still tightly gripping the sword in Eris’s side. “I have lost a son this night.”

Fingers curling in Eris’s long hair, Beron pulled his eldest son to him and placed a kiss to his temple. In his entire life, Beron had never shown any affection to Eris, and if Eris had been able to think properly, he would have been shocked. Eris groaned as his father yanked the blade back, his shaking hands going to the wound at his side as his legs faltered and he fell to his knees. Ruby red blood glimmered on the silver blade of his father’s sword.

Eris tried to take a deep breath, but found that his lungs wouldn’t let him. Eris coughed, feeling blood drip down his chin. He supposed that he should not have expected to beat his father in a duel. Eris felt like he was drowning. As a youngling he’d tripped on a rope and fallen off a dock in the Spring Court and into a lake, not knowing how to swim and in a panic, Eris had thrashed as water filled his lungs.

Each breath had burned in a way that Eris had never imagined he’d feel as the heir of the Autumn Court. Surely, Eris would have died had his mother not pulled him out of the water, sobbing as she’d told him to hold her hand next time. His mother was sobbing now as she fell to her knees in front of Beron, begging him to stop. Eris slumped forward with a gasp, the burning feeling in his chest becoming nearly unbearable.

He made a strange choked noise as more blood filled his mouth and Eris gritted his teeth as someone dropped down by his side. “You alright, Eris?” Rufus asked, his face close to Eris’s as he put his hands around Eris’s arm, trying to help him up. Eris looked at his younger brother through the curtain of his red hair, “Hello, hey, you alright?” Rufus repeated, russett eyes wide.

“Never better,” Eris rasped as more blood dripped from his mouth onto the marble floors. Eris tried to lift himself up with Rufus’s help. He couldn’t stand, Eris noticed, and put all his weight on his younger brother. Rufus laughed nervously, the sound hollow to Eris’s ears. Holding a hand to the wound on Eris’ side and abandoning his attempt to get Eris up off the floor, Rufus moved the hair from Eris’s face. With the back of his hand, Rufus wiped at the blood along Eris’s chin before he spoke. Eris wasn’t really worried, but he could tell from the tone of Rufus’s voice that he probably should be. 

Cato’s voice rang like a bell in the nearly empty hall, “What the hells happened here?” Calm and steady and definitely not worried. Cato would soon become heir, Eris thought briefly, all his brother had ever wanted and he hadn’t even lifted a finger to get it. 

“Your brother seems to have forgotten his place,” Beron replied with equal calm.

Rufus snarled softly, having been the youngest of six for thirty years, no one paid him any attention, especially not father, and Eris knew Rufus favoured him. Eris would be lying if he told anyone he didn’t favour Rufus as well. Eris could feel his eyelids drooping, but he watched as Maddox ran towards them from the other side of the hall, Priam close behind him. Eris felt heavy, so he leaned into Rufus, pain flaring through his side.

His vision was becoming blurred and he could barely hear his mother begging Beron to spare him and Lucien. The last thing Eris remembered before he lost consciousness was staring at his sword, thinking that the ruby eyes of the lion’s head on the hilt glowed with flames.

[alexisqueen-137]

How could I (D.M x Reader)

Hey guys, so this is my first fic that I am posting, I really hope you enjoy this, also, requests open! feedback appreciated whether good or bad, and i apologize if some bit’s in the story are a wee bit cringy... and btw the angst will be much more in the next parts! (btw I don’t write smut AT ALL)

warnings: angst, reader almost get’s raped, mentions of self-harm, mentions of abuse

Word count: 1k+

summary: Pansy uses the unforgivable torture curse on y/n, and after that y/n changes turning into a total badass, catching draco’s eye even more than before...fluff if u squint

The leaves on the withering grass indicated that finally, most finally, Autumn had come once more on the beautiful castle.

Students rushed from classes to see the wonderful sight awaiting them at the meadow. The biting breeze didn’t change their stubborn minds, infact, it most probably encouraged them to sit around the black lake, watching the giant squid with far-away looks in their eyes and pumpkin juice in their hands. 

However, probably the only soul still inside of the towering castle walls was Y/N L/N. The crumpling, aching feeling inside of your chest was only growing and though you wished to let it all out, you weren't able to. Your burning tears were held inside of you too  scared to fall and be for once free. 

Staggering to the dungeons, y/n couldn’t breathe normally or walk properly because of the pain that wracked her body even until now.

And finally have you reached your dorm, you shut the door and made sure no one was there, only to fall on your knees and let all the tears you had been holding slip, slip onto your forest green carpet and dampen it.

It was a habit, a habit of yours to cry as silently as possible, because you were still haunted by your memories as a child being beaten up by your drunken father.

All the walls that you had built inside of you were now by this point fragile; cracking; falling apart...

y/n was not a foolish sensitive girl, oh you were much more. You were so strong to have gone through all of the trials and mishaps that would have destroyed most people. Even though, it still broke you...You were a human being too, in the end. These things you went through were the reason you made those thin scars on your arms and thighs with the silver knife you inherited...it soothes you, this act. It reminds you that you are a normal person who can still feel pain.

However, what happened to you this time must be the end of it all.

It all started when you entered your potions class which the Slytherins (such as yourself) shared with the Gryffindors. You were a bit late, which was unusual since you were one of the best students in your year. Always after Hermione Granger and before Draco Malfoy. Oh how you loathed him. He made your life hell and well...you didn’t need much of a reason to hate him.

you walked over to your seat next to Blaise Zabini, who was your best friend, since he was one of the only who didn’t mind you were a half-blood Slytherin. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley glared at you because they hate all Slytherins, albeit you never did anything to them...

you ignored them, half annoyed, half overlooking the whole situation. Professor Slughorn started explaining the properties of a well-made draught of living death as you took notes. Then Slughorn said something that caught everyone’s complete attention; he was giving away a small vial of liquid luck to whoever made the best living death potion.

Everyone started working, and you started working too, extra hard, because you reallyyyyyy needed that liquid luck. For a reason you would never admit to anyone but yourself. you wanted to give it to- yes, believe it or not- Malfoy. Not because you  liked him or something, no you hated him, it was just that he kept bragging to the Slytherins how the Dark Lord gave him a job and he was chosen for blah blah blah...And you couldn’t really let him kill himself, right?

You side glanced at Potter to see how he was doing, only to see that instead of cutting up his Sopophorous bean, he was crushing it, getting much more juice than you, you followed his lead and crushed your bean with the back of your silver knife watching the liquid ooze out of it’s shiny shell...

*after class*

 you put the golden liquid in your pocket feeling quite happy with yourself, you and Potter had made equivalently perfect draughts, earning the both of you felix felicis. 

Just as you were heading to your next class, you bumped into (rather unfortunately), no other than Pansy Parkinson, the pug-faced slut. Apperently, she made it her all time mission to annoy the fuck out of Y/N.

“Watch where your going, Bitch” She retorted. You huffed. She continued, “I don’t think you can though, not with that ugly hair covering your filthy face!”

She cackled like the whole thing was so funny. You rolled your eyes, and then cleared your throught; “Bugger off, Parkinson, I don’t need you all in my face like spot cream or something, not that you would know of it, looks like you’ve never used it your entire life!” you smirked, not caring about the consequences this would bring.

Pansy’s eyes flared with anger, she said: “Think we’re so smart, don’t we? Forgot that your superiors (she said that while gesturing at herself) could handle you without much looking at your hideous face! You are sooo unbearable! First, you steal my Dracey from me (at these words you frowned, not knowing what she meant), and now you’re acting all snotty in my face, I think, it’s time for me to TEACH.YOU.A.LESSON! (she practically screeched those words) ughhhhhh I hate you so much, L/N, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW SO, crucio!”  You gasped and before you could react an invisible force squeezed your bones and burned your skin, tugged on your flesh and stabbed you dozens of times at once; until you were screaming and wailing on the ground, writhing in agony, unable to do anything to that horrible skank, all until your vision went black and yout hit the floor, unconscious…

 *after you woke up*

 Unsure for how long you were out, you staggered up, and grimaced form the pain. All you knew that miss ruthless Pansy left you alone in the dark, cold empty hallway. All you knew was that the tears you were holding would burst soon if you don’t hurry to your dorm.

 *present*

 And now, after you had cried your heart out, you realized you didn’t just cry because of the physical pain, but from the mere thought of not being able to stand up to yourself and shoot back at the motherfucking bitch- Oh, how you promised yourself you would change that day. How you would be a new woman with a much bigger attitude, how you would take care of yourself.

 And that’s just what you did.

 *Two months later*

 You had died your hair black from the top, and silver from the bottom, keeping it long, and you always made sure your hair was always wavy, you kept worn down all the time, and it framed your face perfectly.

  Instead of the pants you used to wear, now you always wore a skirt underneath your robes, with black tights and short heels, not forgetting to add a dash of makeup. Not only have you changed your looks, but your attitude aswell. Anyone disrespects you, oh they will pay for it. Admittedly, you had to thank Parkinson for changing you like this, but you thought better than to.

You were top of your year and you helped people whenever they want. You were kind, but one hell of a badass.

However, you still thought about the day Parkinson cursed you, what had she said, I had stolen Draco from her? You didn’t understand that. You and Draco had no romantic relationship. Albeit, when you started to change, he found it better for him to be your friend. (Blaise couldn’t shut up about it, he was so relieved that both his best friends weren’t enemies anymore) After getting to know him better, you came to the conclusion that Draco wasn’t as bad as he seemed…not at all.

Yet, you still hadn’t given him the vial of liquid luck, afraid he might reject it from you.

*one day*

You took a bite from your green apple as you made your way to class, you would be 10 minutes early if you went now, but, since you had nothing else to do, you made your way into the empty hallway leading to the transfiguration classroom. you had this weird feeling that someone was watching you though...

As you were walking someone called “Hi honey”, you didn’t turn around, he was probably calling for someone else. “L/N, sweetie!” you froze. You turned around and looked at the boy behind you. “what did you just call me?” “You know what I said y/n. The boy got dangerously closer and you realized it was Theodore Nott, Slytherin. 

He came forward even closer, pushing you into a broom closet. your heart pace was by now going so fast you were sure it was about to jump out of your chest. “I know you check me out when you see me, darling. Why don’t I give you what you’ve been wanting for a long time?” “g-get off of me” was all you managed. He came closer and trailed kisses on your neck, and you yelped. And maybe, just maybe, if you hadn’t screamed, and then who knows what would have happened.

From outside, someone yelled “WHOEVER IS IN THAT CLOSET LEAVE Y/N RIGHT NOW BEFORE I HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION!” You recognized the voice as Draco’s. you couldn’t help but sigh in relief when Nott let go of you in a hurry and you watched as he scrambled out. After he went and got hit with a couple of good spells,  Draco rushed to you and got you out of the closet. Once he touched you you felt all the stress leave you, and you thanked god he came to save you.

“Are you okay? did anything happen to you? did that motherfucker hurt you? answer me, y/n!” without realizing, you’ve been holding a shaky breath. and at his questions, you covered your face with your hands and burst into tears. “H-he almost r-raped m-me..” 

“It’s okay, don’t worry, I’m here for you” he cooed. And gently ever so gently, he pulled you into his grasp, tightly wrapping his hands around you. You stiffened, but then relaxed saying: “It’s been so long since someone hugged me...I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be held...”

(part 2 coming soon!)

[haikyuu-appreciation-club]

i was wondering of you would do a request for an s/o of some of the "benchwarmer" characters (like yamaguchi rip D:) where s/o always comes to their games and makes them feel insecure, but they discover that s/o does homework/doesn't pay attention unless they are called to play, and only cheer for them!

hello hello anon!!

im so so so glad that we’re showing some love to our “benchwarmer” characters

this was honestly such a cute idea and I appreciate you being so patient with me

I decided to throw in ennoshita and kyotani because they don't get a lot of time on the court either sooo I hope you don't mind :)

anywhooo I hope you enjoy!!

(btw this definitely isn't my best work sooo I apologize in advance lolz)

•Yamaguchi, Ennoshita, + Kyotani w/ a Supportive S/O•

warnings: none

genre: fluff

characters: yamaguchi, ennoshita, + kyotani

•Yamaguchi•

yamaguchi always got very nervous whenever you mentioned you were attending one of his games

as a pinch server, he rarely got the opportunity to play and when he did, he never felt like his performance was good enough for you to see 

not to mention you always made it a point to wear his spare jersey to each one of his games which raised his nerves more then he would care to admit 

he really doubted himself on that court and felt like he wasn't good enough for you to be up in those stands representing him not to mention his spare jersey looked really really good on you

it meant the world to him that you supported him but he didn't want to disappoint you

this particular game, coach ukai had promised yamaguchi that he would definitely be put in  

which is why everyone couldn't understand why he seemed so down in the dumps

tanaka was the first one to point out his bad mood,

“Yo! Yamaguchi, what’s up with you dude? You look all pouty.”

hinata decided now would be a good time to add his two cents,

“Yeah! You get to be all swoosh, bam, boom today! You should be excited!”

yamaguchi couldn't lie, he was pretty happy about being guaranteed a few serves this game but he couldn't push away the negativity that clouded his mind.

“Oh, uh, I don't know. I guess its just Y/N is going to be here today and I already know that with all your guy’s amazing plays, my serves won't really matter and I just want them to be proud of me.”

the team stood in silence for a moment

was that really how yamaguchi felt about himself compared to everyone else?

sure, he didn't get to play often but without him they wouldn't have been able to get out of some tricky situations

surprisingly tsukishima was the one to break the silence this time,

“Wow, are you really that much of an idiot yamaguchi?”

a chorus of scolds came from his teammates

yams was about to apologize but tsukki continued his speech,

“Your precious s/o doesn't even pay attention to the rest of us. They only watch the game when they know you’re involved. So, you don't have to worry about us stealing your spotlight. Now, quit being stupid and stretch will you?”

was that really true? did you seriously come to support him and him only?

maybe tsukishima was just saying that to try and get him to forget about what was troubling him but he couldn't concentrate on that right now, he had to get his head in the game for the sake of his team and you ofc

however, curiosity got the best of him, so as his teammates played, he took a peek up at you to find you skimming through a textbook

all this time he felt insecure that you would think he was a bad player compared to the rest of his team mates but now he knew that you didn't even have the opportunity to compare them when you were only focused on his plays

he felt his heart swell with pride as he promised himself he would play with all his strength for you

and sure enough his serves had never been better

your cheers could be heard the loudest throughout the gym and he couldn't miss the large smile on your face as he looked to you in the stands

as soon as the game had concluded, you ran down to the court and threw your arms around him, congratulating him again and again on how well he did

he buried his face into your neck in attempts to hide the blush that was spreading across his cheeks like a wildfire

that day, he went home feeling accomplished, with his own personal cheerleader right by his side

•Ennoshita•

ennoshita didn't really get many opportunities to step on the court and show his skills

honestly, his lack of playing time made him pretty insecure in his ability to be on the same level as his teammates

he was never very confident and often found himself wondering if he deserved to be on a team with such skillful players

which was why he wasn't always excited when you attended his games

its not as if he didn't love seeing you in those stands, cheering him on, but he hated that there was always a possibility that he could disappoint you

especially since you were always so excited to come and support him

this was all he could think about as he sat stretching on the gym floor with the rest of the team

and his far off expression didn't go unnoticed by the rest of the boys

daichi decided to pull him aside and talk to him about what was on his mind before the game started

after all, he couldn't have such an important asset stuck with his head in the clouds

“Hey Ennoshita, everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah. It’s just Y/N is here and I honestly don’t know if I can play to her expectations.”

daichi understood what was going on with his underclassmen now

he had known that ennoshita was not the most confident when it came to his volleyball skill, but he didn't know that he was this blind to his own talent,

“You know, I don't think Y/N has every really showed any interest in anyone else’s plays other than yours.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Maybe you're too focused on what's going on on the court but they’re usually always scrolling through their phone or reading a book unless you get swapped in.”

now that daichi mentioned it, ennoshita never really heard your voice cheering from the stands unless he was on the court and you always seemed pretty oblivious when he talked to you about plays he wasn't involved in

he knew that you supported him with all he did but he was always a bit nervous that you would start to notice how well everyone else played and view his skills differently

discovering you came to his games for him and him only warmed his heart

lucky for you both, ennoshita had been subbed in for most of this game due to daichi getting a minor injury don't worry daichi is fine, don't start planning his funeral yet

you were over the moon that your boyfriend got to spend so much time on the court that day, you always loved watching him play

ennoshita could hear your cheers for him echo throughout the whole gym, causing his confidence to skyrocket

safe to say, you were definitely his lucky charm for that game

even with all the commotion after their win, all ennoshita could focus on was encasing you in a loving hug

after all, he couldn't have done it without you

•Kyotani•

kyotani didn't get the opportunity to be on the court often

he was a very strong and skilled player but his attitude usually caused him to sit out for many of aoba johsai’s games

this never stopped you from coming to support him though

no matter how much time he spent in the game you would show up and cheer him on

kyotani didn't really understand your reasoning though, he was barely ever put in so what was the point of coming at all

although he was quiet about it, he really loved having you at his games

being able to catch a glimpse of your smile when ever his temper got the best of him on the court was a huge reason he wasn't already kicked off the team 

but he still felt as though he was wasting your time

he couldn't even begin to imagine how disappointed you were with every game you attended

he tried to get you to quit coming to his games but you simply refused, letting him know that if you weren't in attendance, you could miss the opportunity to see his talent shine

as much as it could be a pain in his ass, your enthusiasm was kind of nice

which was the only reason he agreed to let you continue to come to his games

this game in particular, kyotani seemed to be on his best behavior

maybe seeing you in his spare jersey had something to do with it but no one needed to know that kyo bby, everyone knows that, pls stop staring y/n down like an animal

he was determined to stay on the court as long as he possibly could and surprisingly, he got to play almost the whole game

when you had run down from the stands to go congratulate kyotani, the first person you came in contact with was oikawa tooru himself,

“Ah Y/N-chan! I’m so glad you could make it, did you make sure to cheer for me?”

your boyfriend could never stand the way oikawa would flirt with you just to get a rise out of him

“Oi idiot, get away from them.”

you couldn't help but laugh at kyotani’s antics before wrapping him in a hug,

“Hey Kyo, congrats on the win. You did great!”

Oikawa pouted at you for blatantly ignoring him,

“Hey, what about me?”

“No offense Oikawa, but I really only come to these games for Kyo. I mean unless he's playing I don't really pay attention so cheering for you is pretty much out of the question. Anyways, I'll wait for you outside babe.”

both oikawa and kyotani were pretty baffled at your statement 

kyotani was probably the most surprised out of the two, did you really come to his games just to support him

he was pulled out of his thoughts when kindaichi spoke up,

“Now that they mentioned it, I honestly haven't ever seen Y/N look up from their phone unless Mad Dog was on the court, and they only ever cheer for him.”

kyotani almost let a smile slip out at his teammate’s words

he couldn't believe how much you cared about him and supported him

he never knew how you managed to put up with him but he was beyond grateful for it

he loved you more then he would ever let on

on the walk home, you didn't know why kyotani was so much more affectionate then usual, but who were you to complain?

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[ushiwakaout]

parings: Ushijima x reader , Iwaizumi x reader and Sakusa x reader 

warnings: NSFW (under the black lines) daddy kink w hajime, Timeskip Haikyuu. language? jealousy? fannon sakusa? anal w sakusa. bad grammar :)

a/n: as a compressed woman myself, i don’t think there is enough compressed content out there, or maybe i haven’t found any. 

Ushijima Wakatoshi

this man LOVES you, you cannot put it into words

let’s start with being in public 

he isn’t touchy feely with you in public, never. he think it looks bad and does’t wanna make you uncomfy

does hold your hand... kind of. You def. have smaller hands than he does so you grab his pinky most of the time, he thinks its really damn cute.

leaned down to kiss your forehead.

if you’re ever out to go eat at like a stand or sum, he sits down and he’s basically looking at you or at your chest depending on the chair.

ONLY PDA THING HE WILL DO ONCE IN A WHILE IS LEAN HIS HEAD ON YOUR CHEST AND PUT HIS HANDS ON YOUR BUTT IF HES FEELING ADVENTUROUS.

i know id love this- HIM LOOKING UP AT YOU AND ASKING FOR PERMISSION TO LIKE CARESS YOUR LOVE HANDLES OR HIPS BC UR SO THICC AND HE FUCKING LOVES EVERY SINGLE INCH *sigh* im touch starved

When it comes to being at home, he’s legit the most handsiest airhead in the freaking world

He could be laying on the couch, he makes you sit on his lap and your like “mmm, no” but he reminds you that he’s legit full nelsoned your ass while standing in front of a mirror and you like “..... y-you don’t need to remind me!!!” so you sit on his lap

y’all start talking and he’s like really distracted with you chest, doesn’t matter the size he just want his hand on your boobs.

very touchy man in private, this man was touch starved until you came in and now he can get enough.

“Toshi? What are you doing?”

Hes caressing your boobies and he just smiles like the big dumb idiot he is and whispers something about being in love with your chest and he sits up a lil and just shoves his face in ur tits, like not even in a sexual way.

let’s also add a lil nsfw in this fluff

when you guys first did the deed you hesitated in taking of your clothes, you did not want him to see you naked, not yet at least. he didn’t mind at, but he made you wear his shirt.

you kissed him and changed in the bathroom and when you came out wearing his shirt like a dress, he got embarrassingly hard 

that day he realized that his favorite position w you (only when you wear his shirts) is doggy style bc he’d ruin all his shirts and ball up the hem of it to pull you so deep into his cock and holy shit he’s never felt so much euphoria

he’s got you screaming his name, drooling over the bed sheets, covering his cock with your orgasm. god he loves the sight of your body giving out due to multiple orgasms.

also loves eating you out, wow

he’s told you that he’d be happy if he suffocated in-between your thighs

you had to let out a giggle but like it turned into a moan

cocky bastard

loves leaving marks on you, there’s so much skin to cover, and he wants to do it all.

Iwaizumi Hajime

I 100% believe that this boys mother is compressed as well and you cannot tell me otherwise

loves public pda especially at night

has to be touching you in some way shape or form

either holds your hand, your waist or your ass, just depends how you’re feeling and how he’s feeling

kisses your hand or the crown on your head

say if your ever standing in line and your in front of him, he will lean his head down and put his chin on top of your head

slaps your ass when he think no one is looking BUT SOMEONE IS ALWAYS LOOKING and he just makes you really embarrassed

i think he’s definitely an ass guy so he pinches your butt a lot

when he went to Irvine in Cali, he just had to take you with him, he couldn’t just leave his baby all alone without him.

you guys had a free day so y’all went to laguna beach, lucky it wasn’t as packed as it usually was or so you heard

at this point iwaizumi has given you enough confidence to wear a two piece, (obviously high waisted)  

half the time at the beach you felt like he wanted to bark at the guys who stared at your ass while you sun bathed.

he’d bother you a lot for kisses and low key make out sessions

and let me tell you when he pulled away from the kiss and saw how plum and fucking red your lips where, he was hard, he’s never wanted you to wrap you mouth around his cock so bad

he calmed down for a bit, went into the water and cooled down, while you still laid on you belly enjoying the sun

at some point he was the one sunbathing and you where in the water

and now he believes that he picked the wrong pair of short to wear bc he got hard while watching you walk back to your spot, water just dripping down every curve and in every crook of your body

“We’re going back to the hotel now.”

you don’t complain, it’s not like you didn’t fucking notice how hard his cock was, it made your mouth drool

god getting to the hotel, he wasted no time at all what so ever.

kissed you all around, you skin tasted salty and fresh on his tongue

you broke the kiss to tell him that you guys should probably get into the shower or sand will be everywhere. 

SHOWER SEX

Hajime has a love/hate relationship with shower sex but today he didn’t care, he just pounded into your pussy like it was the last time he’d ever feel you

He loves pulling your body, you back close this his chest while he’s ramming into you, whispering the naughtiest things in your ears.

it either “you’re so tight, fuck, you’re twitching. Does it feel that good, hm? You’re pussy wrapped around my cock, taking me in so well. You love this don’t you, filthy little thing you are.”

he also likes teasing you, god he loves just holding your hips just to fuck you so slowly, edging you. “Are you gonna be a good girl and cum on my cock? You’re gonna be daddy’s good girl and cum all over my cock, right?” 

he’s such an asshole, i need to stop writing bc i legit wont stop. i love hajime so much omfg

Sakusa Kiyoomi

Oh boy Sakusa is def hard to write about, but i love him so ill do it

I think is he dated a compressed reader, he’d def tease them about their height, never their weight

Although he’s always been iffy about touching, there’s just something about you

he always has to be touching you somehow

his teammates at MSBY are really surprised to figure out that he has an S/O and that he lives and breathes the same air as their Oomi

They are really surprised when you come one day after practice and he doesn’t immediately go to the showers, go goes straight to kiss you just to say a quick hello and then he rushes into the shower. 

Atsumu’s like, “how you do dat?” you shrug it off bc you have no idea either bc ever since you’ve started dating he gets a lot more comfortable with you

his teammates love you by the way especially bokuto and hinata (ima say u used to be karasunos co manager w yachi)

thicc boys and girls hang together

anytime bokuto tries hugging you, you’re ready to accept him with open arms but Oomi is just like NO. BIG NO

Pouty boy sakusa doesn’t want bo accidentally feeling you up bc thats his job

Obviously atsumu is the comic meme where it’s like “are you sakusa’s new girlfriend! Dude! He told me you were hot but i didn’t believe him, bc like have you seen him? out of his league. Like, btw, fuck him, dude. Lets elope- I AIN’T DOIN NOTHIN!”  atsumu thinks you’re hot always flirts w/ you bc he low key has a thing for thicc girls (probably gonna write something about that bc i know for a fact people believe that he’d call a big girl “pig” but i think he’d be the type of asshole to hide the fact that he’s dating you bc he’s called people pigs and what not but during his time at MSBY bokuto def. rubbed of on him.

atsumu high key doesn’t remember you but YOU DEF REMEMBER HIM

you bumped into him while refilling waters and he’s like “watch it pig”

sakusa heard what you said and atsumus like “oh shit....”

you can’t tell me sakusa did not grad his usual cute scarf and try to suffocate him with it bc he insulted his s/o before he was their s/o

“we barely knew each other then stop trying to kill him Oomi!”

high key sakusa saw you that day and was like wow.

you can out of the bathroom with ur cute hand towel and hand sanitizer, you were low key sick but didn’t wanna put anyone at risk so u had a mask on too

you caught his looking and you just waved, you don’t really remember that day but he def does bc he fell i love with u then and there

his cousin had to drag him away from following you down the hall and ask what was you cleaning regimen bc he knew id freak u out a lil but it really wouldn’t have.

sukusa is only public handsy if he’s tipsy or when he’s at home w you and the three boys (atsumu, bokuto and hinata) he says he hates them but he doesn’t and you know that bc he wouldn’t let them into their house if he did

they WILL NOT LEAVE IF THE MISS THE TRAIN OR ARE TOO DRUNK TO WALK YOU FORCE OOMI TO LET THEM SLEEP OVER

You’re like covering them with blankets any everything and lightly waking them up to put a pillow under their head, hinata low key starts crying bc he says you’re so sweet and that oomi should be feel so lucky that he’s got someone like you

okay hinata almost makes you cry but u like just boop his nose and giggle it off 

while you’re covering up atsumu, he starts flirting with you and u just laugh but tell me why sakusa will come behind you and just wrap his arms around you, puts his chin on your shoulder and glares at him

basically saying “leave my woman alone.” 

atsumu is high key (even if sakusa doesnt realize but you do) enticing sakusa so you can get a good fuck tonight bc he feels a lil bad for intruding.

TELL ME WHY IT WORKS THO

Sakusa will like drag you to bed, tease you. tie your hand behind your back so you can’t touch him and all you can do is watch him strip for you

god his body is sculpted by Himeros himself because his body is so damn sexy 

after hes down to his boxers he covers your eyes with a cloth and he gives you a good face fucking,

you cannot tell me that he doesn’t get so fucking hard after taking off the cloth and seeing how red a watery your eyes are

also this motherfucker is so dirty in bed i’m sorry (cannon him will not touch u tho like mmm sakusa cannon is a pillow prince, its still hot, def will write about it soon)

he would lick up you salty tears, and kiss your plump lips after he made you swallow his cum

he fucks you in front of the mirror that day but not on the bed

he makes you lean into your vanity so you can see up close how much of a drooling and crying mess me make you

you’re gipping onto the vanity and you’re on your fucking tippy toes, you’re twitching and so close to breaking the fucking vanity bc this isn’t your first orgasm, its probably the third or fourth

he’s covering your mouth with one hand and the other on your hip for grip as he pounds you

he might stick a finger or two in your mouth 

OH GOD I JUST THOUGHT- I JUST THOUGHT OF HIM LIKE spreading your ass too see how much you’ve cummed on his cock and he get’s the sudden urge to put this thumb in you ass, so he just runs his thumb around and it surprises you but he sees how you just tightened around his cock

he gives you a cocky look and just leans into your ear AND WHISPERS SO MANY DIRTY FUCKING THINGS WHILE NIBBLING AND LICKING YOUR EAR

“You’re such a dirty whore baby, I haven’t even put it in and you just tightened around me so good. I think- god you feel so tight... I think you might just cum from slipping my thumb into that cute ass of yours”

FILTHY , SAKUSA IS A FILTHY WHORE AND ITS FUCKING HOT

a/n: i wrote too much for sakusa when i was like wtf am i gonna write AND I ENDED UP WRITING THE MOST FOR HIM JFSIBFBSDFSKFHS IM NOT SURPRISED do i smell favoritism? yes. i’m not ashamed. 

[mr-and-mr-diaz]

I Don’t Understand Buck Begins.

PSA this is a bit of rant. Not a hate-rant or anything like that, but I do express frustration and if you’re not here for that right now, please skip this. It is complicated and ended upa bit long. But if you’re up for it, I’d LOVE to know your thoughts.

I actually want to talk about this with people. I’m not here to drop a statement like a microphone and walk away. The first time I watched Buck Begins, I loved it. I still do. But as I think back on it and rewatch, there are some major issues I’m spotting:

1. Buck in his whole life has been endangering himself in order to get the attention (dare I say LOVE) of those around him. I feel like the Firefam’s (very OOC) responses to him recklessly endangering himself again only enforced these destructive habits?

2. Firefam’s OOC reaction: In literally every other episode, when Buck recklessly endangers himself the firefam immediately put the brakes on, tell Buck to treasure himself, not to be reckless, to think things through, to realize that the victim got out because of sheer good luck (as well as hair-brained thinking on Buck’s part, but some of Buck’s decision making also really endangered him, more on that later.) The fact that Bobby let Buck work that fire at all in the state of mind he was in is odd. The fact that Hen told him he was for whatever reason correct in choosing to split from the party and go on his own in his current state of mind was beyond odd. Looking back, it doesn’t feel like real moments, but rather contrivances dressed in nice words like “I don’t this often but you’re right” (NO HE’S F**KING NOT!!) so that we wouldn’t question them immediately. Was Buck correct that the other team needed anotehr man? Yeah. Was he right that it should be him? NOPE. Anyone could see that, we could see that, the Firefam could see that. but they let him go anyway. This is OOC, they’re smarter than that, and they’ve known Buck for long enough to know when he’s triggered and more likely to make poor decisions. During it, when Buck disobeys orders and Bobby is calmly just like “Yeah he does that sometimes.” I’m sorry, did someone put Xanax in Bobby’s coffee? Why on earth would he be so calm?? In a normal situation he would never be calm about that--add to it the fact that he KNEW Buck wasn’t at his most stable at the moment? He should have been shouting into his radio and hauling ass, not shrgging and smiling with pride like “Yup! It’s cool with me” like what?? Then afterward, nothing but kind words and praise. Good job risking your life like an idiot, good job risking the other guy because you were so determined to get him out asap you didn’t stop to think. That’s what you do, Buck. 

Like did they really just say that!?

The only nuance that I thought was right here, the only thing that was given emphasis that felt RIGHT, was not that Buck stays behind, not that he makes reckless decisions sometimes, not that he jumped into a fire while unstable, THE ONLY THING that should have been emphasized here, that the episode should have been based on? Is that BUCK DOESN’T GIVE UP. There’s a quality in him that we’ve seen before. one that Buck doesn’t seem to realize about himself. Athena’s moment was the only moment that looking back gives me any kind of cathartsis, because it is the only healthy reaction from the firefam that I saw (aside from them all running in after him--still love that moment.) they should’ve been gentle baout it, but nonetheless should’ve told Buck to treasure himself more, not be like “And here’s our most rekless memeber, pat on the back, kid, we love that you throw yourself into danger without thinking, in fact that’s what we love most about you!” Thinking back, I could SCREAM that that’s the message they left Buck with.

3. The victim: Let’s face it, the only reason the victim didn’t die is because the writers didn’t want him to. They made sure the tank landed somewhere non-fatal so that Buck could still get a win, even though many of his decisions thus far had been hare-brained and ill-advised, driven by a mad need to prove himself, and to never leave people behind, even if stopping and waiting and thinking might be more advisable at some points. In fact, when the victim first falls, and buck wakes up and he looks at him and I thought the victim was dead, first of all I was really sad for the victim, but I also felt like that was the right way to go. Buck’s decision making wasn’t sound, he wasn’t thinking straight, he went in anyway, by all rights the only reason the victim stayed alive after everything he went through was because the writers wanted him to stay alive which they followed with a big and in my opinion inappropriate Pat on the back Moment. The victim dying would’ve been tragic, but it would’ve driven home a lesson for buck, that hurting himself, endangering himself isn’t the answer, won’t always save the day. It would’ve taught Buck (harshly yes, but) that he needs to get his head  on straight in this job. And if he had lost teh victim and the firefam had been there for him anyway, it would’ve been a whole different scenario.

In the episode, while it was super sweet and had some incredible moments, Buck learns nothing, his relationship with the Firefam doesn’t actually change at all, and his relationship with his family doesn’t appear to have actually progressed. He’s still prioritizing them over himself (bringing the parents into therapy since well, they’re trying which is apparently enough now), he’s now been encouraged to continue the reckless streak of self-sacrificing decision making that he’s been on in the past in order to gain teh love and recognition of the poeple around him.

I wish the writers had placed focus, not on Buck being accepting, not on Buck being restless, but on Buck not giving up. We saw bits of that yeah, but it wasn’t as highlighted as Buck ebing reckless and feeling overall like he’s not enough. I wish the episode had been centered there, and they had created an entirely different scenario start-to-finish that (like in Eddie begins, where there were no contrivances, the only reckless thing he does--cutting the line--is something that there isn’t a quetsion in a single brain he WOULD do and should do) where Buck is level-headed, where he’s in some kind of scenario where only he could uniquely succeed in because he never gives up. This episode had bits of it here and there, but ultimately what was running teh day was buck vulnerabilities, not his strengths. Insead of pointing out where Buck shines (like the other Begins episodes), they really only further highlighted what his weaknesses are and then proceeded to have the people around him encourage those weaknesses. Like, what?!

I also think this was the moment to solidify the firefam as his family. Instead, we see Buck retreating back toward a very unhealthy family situation and the firefam remains where they always are. What they did for buck in this episode was something incredible, but it’s also something they would do for any member of the firefam. What I wanted was for the firefam to show up for Buck in a way that he uniquely needs. How, I don’t know--perhaps taking a jab at his loneliness, surprising him with a dinner party at the loft, whatever. Something that told Buck “we see your pain, we see how tough your parents are, how you and Maddie need family who will show up and treasure you no matter what (WHICH BTW INCLUDES YELING AT YOU WHEN YOU’VE BEEN AN IDIOT AND TELLING YOU TO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP DON’T ENDANGER YOURSELF LIKE THAT AGAIN, PLEASE VALUE YOURSELF), that’s what Buck needed. An episode that would help him learn to treasure himself, believe in himself more, love the fact that he never gives up about himself, learn that dangerous stunts and running into things without thinking because he bleives that’s what gets him love is incorrect and unecessary. We didn’t get any of that. The episode was also trying to kill two birds with one stone, which brings me to my last point:

4. Framing Buck Begins around the sibling’s relationship, while GORGEOUS (seriously LOVED these moments they did and the casting was amazing, and both JLH and OS played their younger selves to perfection) I wish had been placed in a completely different episode. They didn’t belong here in an episode of Buck learning about himself. And because of the amount of airtime they took up, we ended up with an episode where Buck doesn’t really learn about himself in the end. Everything remains largely external instead of internal.

All in all, I feel like we need another Buck Begins episode to right the wrongs of this one. Nothing has been solved or fixed. Buck’s relationships remain pretty much the same going in as they do leaving. He has found no peace, no resolution (except in confirmation that Maddie loves him, which is nice, but largely external) he is still fuled by the belief that reckless behavior is what wins him teh love and attention of those around him.

This frustrates me to no end. If you feel like Buck Begins did scratch every itch for you, I’d love to talk and see your perspective as well, because I hate this itchy feeling of dissatisfaction and I dearly hope I’ve missed something here.

Anyway sorry this got so long. Didn’t realize I had QUITE so many thoughts until I started writing and then shit happened. If you made it to the end, thank youa nd I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree.

[ineffectualdemon]

I don't mind at all!

If I you don't mind I'll add some more of my symptoms and my history with medication as just info you or others might find helpful:

I hear voices as I said and start seeing shadows out of the corner of my vision as well as paranoia and worries abouts something following me

If I've been engaging with religion I might start having religious delusions this is basically the progression of my psychosis symptoms under stress

I also dissociate more and also have more autistic meltdowns which tbh sound closer to what your going through but not exactly where I just become overwhelmed.

I feel like I'm drowning and everything is too sharp and bright and I just want like 5 minutes where everything just STOPS

I also turn into kinda a huge bitch if I'm honest because everything is too much and my head is swimming with noise

I call it my brain eels

And that usually when I find a quiet corner and pick a random thing to be irrationally angry about and hate it as much as I can for five minutes to get my random bitch out by being mad someone painted that one wall that ugly colour (random example)

I used to take quietapine (also known as seroquel) until I had to come off of it so i could take another medication for my fibromyalgia

I found it helpful. It helped my creativity a TON because it let me be more consistent in my output and it generally leveled me out. I still felt but my highs weren't as high and my lows weren't as low which meant I was struggling through a huge doubt in my abilities for half the month

One thing I will say is it knocked me out for the first month I was on it and adjusting. I was very out of it and dopey and sleepy for that adjustment period but once I was through that it was fine so if anyone is thinking of seroquel or any new meds try to factor in adjustment periods for things like that

I still had psychosis happen while medicated btw but it was rarer and at times of extreme stress and even then it was less intense

Saying that I've been completely unmedicated since September and that's been....interesting. I'm having more symptoms more intensely and more often. Especially around my period and it is slightly harder to manage

But management is better then pre medication! Being medicated let me track triggers better and also helped me find what worked as coping techniques because it wasn't so severe or as often

The reason I make tea and do crochet is that the process of making my finicky fancy tea is grounding for me as is the taste and feel of it in my hands. And crochet is a repetitive task using my hands that makes me feel connected to my body

Classic grounding exercises like the 5, 4, 3 method don't work for me. I need stuff I can touch to bring me back into the moment and my body I found Mira to be a useless app as one of the calming tools vibrates at intervals and I found that really effective

Maybe none of this will be helpful to but if nothing else when trying new meds factor in adjustment time for weird temporary side effects. They don't warn people sufficiently about that

Psychosis, or as I like to refer to it: a micro vacation... that sometimes becomes a crossing-the-Gobi-on-foot full blown adventure. Exciting! Seroquel my beloved.

Gonna see if the birth control handles it first, but I kind of started the progestin journey during time of significant emotional disregulation so it's kind of hard to tell if it's doing anything.