#*through gritted teeth* hahaha yeah sorry sorry im normal about this guy i swear

[queercatboyrights]

thinking about my durge oc and going insane. like imagine you were the leader of a big murder cult and making plans to take over the world with some other freaks and then your sister gets jealous that your evil murder god dad favors you more so she does a little murder about it. stabs your brain full of holes. then you get to be the first person to get some weird worm shoved up in your brain and experimented on. AND that's not even the start of it!!!!

you forget literally EVERYTHING about yourself. stranded on a crashing alien ship with only a name and horrendous murderous thoughts. then you start meeting a bunch of other guys after you and the weird girls that want to kill each other manage to survive the crash. you start to get to know them as you travel together. some of them are kind of weird. some of them aren't even fully human/mortal anymore, but they still treat you decently. hell, they even still save your ass a few times in battle. EVEN AFTER YOU KILL SOMEONE IN YOUR SLEEP while reluctant they STILL manage to treat you with respect and still let you lead the group around.

you don't remember anything about your old life, but these people still fill your chest with a warm fluffy feeling. they do things to help you, even if they don't get much out of it, even when your murderous urges put them more at risk rather then help them out they still come to your aid. you start worry about them, in combat and out of it. you start thinking more strategically about battles and how you can keep your companions from getting hurt, you start taking their feelings into consideration when making group decisions, sometimes even to the point where you don't even know of you *can* make that kind of decision. it drives you mad but you couldn't bear hurting these people who have done so much for you for so little.

and then you start to delve into the thick of the whole illithid/cult mess. you start to pick up more pieces of the story, finding the crumbs of your old life scattered about through it all. you start to get this heavy and gnawing ball of steel all wrapped up in your guts. you wander through the halls of moonrise and **feel** the ghostly eyes of your past haunting you from afar, yet no matter how hard you try you just. can't place your finger on why being here makes you feel so sick. and as you and your party keeps moving forward that feeling only gets stronger. and so do your urges. fighting tooth and nail to not lose yourself. to not lose the companions you've grown to care about so much. to keep that soft warm feeling you've just learned about lingering in your heart. and yet your past continues to try and worm its way back into your life. slowly poisoning everything you now work so hard to try to protect. and you still don't know **why**

you've lost everything, but did it even matter? when the life you couldnt even remeber before was nothing but a cold and empty one? do you even want that so called power your butler tempts you with back? especially if it means losing the people that showed you you could feel more than just...*empty*??

is taking back a life that was forced upon you something you really want?

or do you give it all up? be content in your loss and rejoice in the people and love you've found for yourself, the love that you were never allowed to have before