#*technically do not yet have my actual masters bc i keep putting off my final thesis lol don't ask me abt it sjfk

[angelsdean]

the thing abt me is i have a masters* in literature. you put lyrics (literally a poem to music) in front of me and i will dissect and analyze those bad boys in seconds

[deripmaver]

laurent is a good person - book 1 meta

one of the most amazing things about captive prince is how the reveals in book 3 recontextualize all of the scenes leading up to them, including about laurent himself. in book one, all we see is damen pov as he’s being abused and humiliated by this supposedly spoiled, vile ice prince. when the regent comes to damen and subtly (and not so subtly) insults laurent, calling him unfit to rule - well, why would he think anything different? laurent has insulted him, had him whipped within an inch of his life, and even attempted to (and later successfully lmfao) have him raped while drugged out of his mind. 

after book 3 we can reread most if not all of book 1 as a very traumatized boy who has finally been confronted with the man who killed his brother, leaving him alone with his abusive uncle, and who he clearly has made into a complete monster in his own mind. damen of course sees him as a complete bitch, but there’s textual/subtextual evidence that laurent is well liked, and that his behavior during book 1 was actually pretty out of character for him. i’d like to provide some examples of that now!!!!

“Laurent had stopped dead the moment he had seen Damen, his face turning white as though in reaction to a slap, or an insult. Damen’s view, half-truncated by the short chain at this neck, had been enough to see that. But Laurent’s expression had shuttered quickly.” Captive Prince, Chapter One

i couldn’t resist adding this one in hehe. laurent recognizes damen!! he’s come down, knowing his uncle has devised another truly horrendous and triggering “gift” and that he’ll lose support if he calls it our for what it truly is, only to find out that it’s fucking damianos of akielos sent to him as a sex slave. a jab at laurent’s trauma about auguste and also a jab at laurent’s frigid sexuality - which ofc is completely the regent’s fault. fuck that guy so much lmfao 

“‘It’s so rare to see you at these entertainments, Your Highness,’ said Vannes.” Captive Prince, Chapter Two.

this is right before the fight between govart and damen in the ring, of course. damen sees laurent as depraved and vile as the sexual sadism on display by the veretian court, and considers him to be a willing purveyor of it. this is wrong, of course, as said by vannes here. laurent has only shown up because he wants to humiliate damen lmfao.

“He did remember being supported by two of the guards, here, in this room, while Radel stared athis back in horror. ‘The Prince really . . . did this.’ ‘Who else?’ Damen said. Radel had stepped forward, and slapped Damen across the face; it was a hard slap, and the man wore three rings on each finger. ‘What did you do to him?’ Radel demanded.” Captive Prince, Chapter Four

this scene, to me, was the most telling lmfao. it’s right after damen is whipped. you could argue that radel is just a servant in the employ of the royal household, so is of course going to be loyal to the prince, but he seems genuinely surprised of the prince’s cruelty towards damen. not only that, but he slaps him and immediately assumes damen must have done something. which - i mean, technically he did lmao. not necessarily enough to deserve having the skin flayed from his back, but you know. if laurent was in the habit of torturing pets and slaves, why would the overseer react this way?

“The men guarding him were the Prince’s Guard, and had no affiliation with the Regent whatsoever. It surprised Damen how loyal they were to their Prince, and how diligent in his service, airing none of the grudges and complaints that he might have expected, considering Laurent’s noxious personality. Laurent’s feud with his uncle they took up wholeheartedly; there were deep schisms and rivalries between the Prince’s Guard and the Regent’s Guard, apparently.” Captive Prince, Chapter Four

laurents relationships with his guards are also some of the biggest indicators that he isn’t just a spoiled brat, but can insire a deep loyalty in his men. even if they do all want to fuck him. ah, sexual harassment. it’s also hilarious that damen immediately assumes they’re loyal to him because they want to fuck him - nice projection there, dude. we know a bit more about laurent and his guards thanks to green but for a season, but this little bit here is interesting.

“Laurent was indeed good at talking. He accepted sympathy gracefully. He put his position rationally. He stopped the flow of talk when it became dangerously critical of his uncle. He said nothing that could be taken as an open slight on the Regency. Yet no one who talked to him could have any doubt that his uncle was behaving at best misguidedly and at worst treasonously.”  Captive Prince, Chapter Five

idek what to say here. laurent my beloved <3333

“‘When someone doesn’t like you very much, it isn’t a good idea to let them know that you care about something,’ said Laurent. Damen felt himself turn ashen, as the threat sank in. ‘Would it hurt worse than a lashing for me to cut down someone you care for?’ said Laurent.” Captive Prince, Chapter Seven

this isn’t really relevant to my thesis lmfao i just love this exchange bc it gives SO MUCH information about laurent and his uncle in just three lines of dialogue. what has the regent done, who did he cut down just to hurt laurent? when and how did laurent learn that? p a i n 

“Laurent’s fussy horse began acting out again, and he leaned forward in the saddle, murmuring something as he stroked her neck in an uncharacteristically gentle gesture to quiet her.” Captive Prince, Chapter Nine. 

HORSEY NO- lmfao this scene just hurts so badly on the reread. especially later on, in book 3 i think, where laurent says something like “i provoked my uncle.” he’s really blaming himself for his uncle KILLING HIS HORSE, his horse that his murdered brother trained, one of the only living connections to auguste... all because his uncle could not let a single miniscule plan laurent had set go through without some kind of repercussion. literally all laurent did was do something to stop an innocent group of people from being abused, nothing to undermine his uncle’s rule, but because the regent is VILE he could not let laurent have even this. he’s so good with her, too. he must have known by this point and also known that there was no way to stop this. P A I N

“‘I know that you have somehow arranged this,’ said Erasmus. He was incapable of hiding what he felt, and just seemed to radiate embarrassed happiness. ‘You kept your promise. You and your master. I told you he was kind,’ Erasmus said. ‘You did,’ said Damen. He was pleased to see Erasmus happy. Whatever Erasmus believed about Laurent, Damen wasn’t going to dissuade him. ‘He’s even nicer in person. Did you know he came and talked to me?’ said Erasmus. ‘—He did?’ said Damen. It was something he couldn’t imagine. ‘He asked about . . . what happened in the gardens. Then he warned me. About last night.’ ‘He warned you,’ said Damen. ‘He said that Nicaise would make me perform before the court and it would be awful, but that if I was brave, something good might come at the end of it.’ Erasmus looked up at Damen curiously. ‘Why do you look surprised?’ ‘I don’t know. I shouldn’t be. He likes to plan things in advance,’ said Damen.” Captive Prince, Chapter 9.

this is the first in-text confirmation we have that laurent has a good heart beneath his layers and layers of trauma-induced lashing out. book one often skeeves people out because of its graphic and, honestly, yes, kind of sexualized depiction of rape, slavery, and depravity, but beneath it all you meet these two protagonists who are going to have all of their most deeply held views about each other challenged. laurent from very early on is shaken to his core when damen refuses to rape nicaise in the ring - it cracks the very foundations of the person he’d built up in his head as this horrible monster who killed his brother in cold blood. and damen keeps defying laurents expectations by being a good person through and through. on the other hand, laurent spends the first part of the book taking out years of anger on damen, but here for the first time we see him do something just because its the kind thing to do. yes, torveld is an ally against his uncle, but laurent has clearly been scheming with him for a while now, and he’s now overlooking his hatred of damen and working with him just because none of the slaves deserve whats happened to them. it’s such a sweet moment.

“One of the other men, eyeing them, approached a moment later. ‘Don’t mind Jean. He’s in a foul mood. He was the one had to stick a sword through the mare’s throat and put her down. The Prince tore strips off him for not doing it fast enough.’” Captive Prince, Chapter Nine.

HORSEY NO- pt 2. this is just another really sweet and sad detail - laurent being so upset that the horse’s death could have been more painless. it must have hurt so much to see her in pain, and to know that the only way for that pain to end was being put down as quickly as possible. i wuv him. im sad

that’s it, though there are still a few more chapters left in the book. this isn’t providing any new information, of course, the path of the three books is to show that laurent isnt the man we meet in book one, that he’s actually sweet, and earnest, and he’s been fighting his own battle practically alone against his abuser since he was fifteen years old. also, the reveal that laurent knew who damianos was from the start makes it clear imo that all of his violence in book 1 was supposed vengence, not... him being evil. he apologizes explicitly in-text, and also, all of the acts of violence he commits cause serious problems for him in terms of his future alliance which he then needs to fix. i just love how layered these books are, how there’s so much information in them that makes rereading almost more fun than reading them for the very first time!

[chaoticevilbean]

Another Star Wars AU, TBN*

*To-Be-Named

I love time travel. A lot. So here is a time-travel au, with the CW trio.

Somehow, perhaps by touching a Sith artifact, perhaps by the Force deciding they should, perhaps from some sort of weird ritual the locals were performing that the trio didn't know about, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Anakin, Rex, and Cody travel aback in time.

[Please keep in mind that Canon Timeline has died tragically in a fire, and I am but the weeping widow with an inheritance.]

Due to whatever happened, they all also end up (technically) deaging. They still have their memories and their knowledge and skills, just stuck in smaller bodies. They can think and act like adults, but they also have to struggle a bit more to implement Older Skills in Younger Bodies.

Ahsoka is 2. She's nubby. She's emotional. She's tired and sore from her deaging.

She wakes up in someone's office. She's in a spinny chair, a big one with leather padding. It's kind-of chilly in the room.

She's not thinking, because all her brain is putting together is that she's still tired. She grabs the jacket off the back of the chair and pulls it over herself. She goes back to sleep.

Rex and Cody wake up together.

They are their actual age, which is to say they're both about eleven.

They find themselves on Mandalore. In the more wild areas.

(let me believe that there are parts of the planet that aren't covered in city)

(also, this is the Mandalore in the cartoons)

They find a teen trying to wake them both up. Rex has absolutely no clue what's going on. Cody has a vague idea, because this girl looks very similar to a picture he once saw...

Obi-Wan does not fare as well. He is 3.

He wakes up in someone's arms. He's just as tired and sore as the other three. However, he's also got more awareness because he's in someone's arms.

He looks up to see who's carrying him.

He looks around at the people walking with them.

He starts crying. He cannot help this, as he is suddenly flooded with Emotions, and he is Smol. Smol = harder to handle Emotions.

Because Qui-Gon is walking right next to him, tapping away on a holopad as they go. Dooku is on his other side, on a comm call where both parties sound very tired.

And Obi-Wan is being held... by Obi-Wan.

So, yeah, not that great for a suddenly Smol Obi.

Now, Anakin is 8, so he's better off in that perspective.

But he wakes up on some remote planet without anyone around. He just was in the middle of a group, so he ends up kinda panicking.

Then he hears something coming towards him, and he panics more.

He's Tiny! He's Smol! He's massively at a disadvantage against attacks! He can't fight off whatever is on a planet like this!

It's Mace (and Depa).

Anakin, however, doesn't realize this. He has gone Feral.

Back to the beginning

Jango Fett has been very busy w/Important Mand'alor Paperwork all day. He finally has time to go and relax a little, and he makes it all the way down to the exit before he realizes:

It is really cold outside. He is not in armor bc he was planning to only do paperwork today (though he still has many weapons). When one plans to stay in the same room for almost the entire day, one does not wear normal garb.

That said, he has no protection from the cold. He forgot his jacket upstairs. He rushes back up to his office.

He distinctly remembers that he left the jacket on the back of his chair, not on the seat.

He also is wondering what that lump is.

He arms himself, grabs some of his "emergency" armor plating, and walks over to the chair.

He lifts his jacket up, expecting a bomb or some paperwork that fell off the desk, or something logical.

He does not expect to find a tiny Togruta child clinging onto the fabric, whining as they're woken up by his yanking of the jacket.

Jango's brain stutters for a moment, then he kicks into action.

First things first, he wraps the jacket around the Togruta. They thankfully stay asleep. Then he turns up the heat, because he knows the office has gotten colder in the twenty minutes or so he's been gone, and Togruta are from warm temperate zones.

He decides to call, in this order, a guard who can help him watch the Togruta (they did break in, after all), a medic to check the Togruta’s health, and the first person he can find in his contacts that might know an adult Togruta.

Next group

Rex and Cody manage to get the teen to stop fussing over them for long enough to ask for her name.

Her, clearly lying, but that’s understandable: My name is Ine.

Cody, who knows exactly who this is now: Oh, kriff. You’re Duchess Satine, aren’t you? Kriff.

Rex: Wait, Satine? As in the General’s Satine?

Satine, now very suspicious and reaching for her stunner: I think you need proper medical attention.

Cody, looking down at their eleven-year-old selves: Yeah, I think so, too.

They agree on one thing, at least.

Next

Obi-Wan is crying. Loudly, uncontrollably, w/too many Emotions to even care that he’s supposed to be an adult rn.

Other Obi-Wan is very uncomfortable, bc he doesn’t know how to handle children too well.

They found this kid unconscious in the middle of a ruined, abandoned town.

Obi-Wan was meant to hold this kid while Qui-Gon did research and Master Dooku tried to convince the Council that it was entirely necessary to bring the kid back to Coruscant. Granted, they can still give the child to the locals at any time before they make it back to their ship, but apparently the Force is Being Loud.

The Force was Being Loud when it told Master Dooku to come along.

The Force was Being Loud when it led them to that town.

Qui-Gon and Dooku have argued fifteen and a half times on this mission, and an additional six times on the flight here. Obi-Wan is trying to mediate but also doesn’t want to overstep. The Force is Being Loud, sure, but the kid is also Force-sensitive so it might be something off that.

He didn’t argue with holding the kid bc he thought that it was better than being caught between the Masters.

Holding a crying child and trying to get two adults to stop arguing bc they can’t decide how to comfort the kid is not better.

Obi-Wan keeps walking past them to the ship with this baby. He does what he’s seen some crechemasters do to the younglings. The kid eventually calms a little, and he belatedly realizes that both Masters are still behind him, not with him.

NEXT

Anakin is panakin.

He is currently in a state of Feralness. His instincts have kicked into overdrive, full-on Survival Mode.

Depa and Mace do not know this. All they know is that there was suddenly an extremely powerful Force presence that started fading quickly (bc Anakin started shielding).

They burst into sight of Anakin and are suddenly attacked by all four feet and some of Feral Force Child.

It’s all they can do for a good minute or so to avoid losing their fingers, eyes, or untorn clothes.

Mace puts a few things together very quickly.

This planet is uninhabited by any sapient life. Therefore, this child is utterly alone. This child also is clearly strong in the Force, and knows how to hide their presence, for whatever reasons. Mace is a Jedi, and therefore is bound by certain duties.

He decides it is his Duty to get this kid back to Coruscant safely.

Back to the beginning

Ahsoka wakes up to find a familiar face looking down at her. She’s still tired, but not as much. She’s very aware of her size, and does a few quick observations.

She does not fully know who Jango Fett is. She does know that some clones run off bc they hate war and weren’t given a choice an- no. Not going down that path yet.

Ahsoka assumes, semi-incorrectly, that she was shrunk or deaged and somehow found by a rogue clone.

She knows it’s a rogue clone bc they’ve got weird armor.

So she does the logical thing and tries to comfort this clone bc he looks really worried and kinda panicked. She stands up on the spinny chair and tries to balance and he practically lunges to help her and she can’t help but giggle, but it comes out in a bunch of chirps instead.

The clone picks her up and looks really awkward so she pats his face bc that’s the best she can do bc she doesn’t want to disprove the fact she’s two yet.

For all she knows, this rogue clone has no idea she’s actually a Commander in the GAR.

He doesn’t, but for different reasons than she thinks.

NEXT

Rex and Cody go with Satine to the city. They have introduced themselves and said that they were separated from their aliit. They don't know where said aliit is.

Satine is highly suspicious by this point, bc these two kids recognized her with only part of her name, and they were alone, and they speak Basic with Mando'a thrown in.

Basically, she thinks that they're children of people like Death Watch, but she's too young to know that Death Watch isn't really into children.

Rex and Cody get checked over by a medic, but also start trying to get access to some working comms. They are refused on account of being suspicious children (which makes them a little upset bc they're not children)(Well, they are, but not those types of children)

They have not yet figured out that they are in the past, bc Cody and Rex only know that General Kenobi talks about Duchess Satine, and they know about Padme Amidala from General Skywalker, so clearly this Duchess is really young and the General simply viewed her as someone he wants to protect.

They are very very very wrong.

NEXT

Obi-Wan manages to calm himself somewhat now that it's just him and... him.

He is three, and he knows roughly what's happening, so he knows he should probably act like a 3yo.

Unfortunately, he has very little understanding of how child ages work. 3 is smart enough to go up the stairs and communicate with adults, but def. not old enough to speak sentences that are 15 words long with at least 2 5-syllable words.

Fortunately, his older (younger?) self doesn't know children either.

So when this 3yo starts telling him that he needs to leave the two Masters on the planet and head to Tatooine really fast, Obi-Wan is more concerned about the idea than the strangeness of "this is a 3yo suggesting this".

Obi-Wan is really good at convincing people. Including himself. He manages to get Padawan Kenobi to leave supplies where the ship is supposed to be and head towards Tatooine.

He says that the Masters will be fine, they know how to survive, and they need to be alone together in order to work through all the tension. Plus, it gives them plenty of time to talk to the Council.

Toddler Kenobi also tells himself that he'll take the blow and say he used a mind-trick.

Padawan Kenobi doesn't believe him yet, but Toddler Kenobi smiles like a very smug adult and says "you'll get there eventually". What he truly means is up in the air.

NEXT

Anakin, since waking up, knows much less than everyone else. Which is saying something.

He knows he's Smol. He knows he's Alone. He knows Someone has come and they are Strangers.

One thing about Anakin's instincts is that they are very much Survival Based. He was Feral when he joined the Jedi, only he had to hold those instincts back for most of his life bc of being a slave.

A slave cannot bite someone who approaches and Vibes Wrong.

By the time he felt okay with being Feral Out Loud, he also felt safe enough that he didn't need to activate his Survival Mode.

What I'm trying to say is that Anakin does not realize how strong his Feral Instincts are. He has absolutely no control over them rn.

When Mace decides to Help this child, this child is trying to Maul them.

Mace makes a small ruckus to draw Anakin's attention to him so Depa can move back. Depa pulls out her saber now that she won't hit the kid. The kid notices Purple and Bright and Lightsaber.

Lorge Jedi Mind says this is Good. Safe. Jedi.

Smol Feral Brain says this is Dangerous. Mean.

Anakin freezes on sight and just starts tracking Depa's saber. She does one of those things where a snake or something is focused and the person waves the fire or the food slowly to make sure the wolf is watching it and usually they toss the thing away so the snake follows it.

Mace instead takes this opportunity to wrap Anakin in his cloak. And Depa's cloak. And the spare ones in their bags.

Feral Child is not happy with this. Feral Child is also unable to scratch or Maul or do things other than bite and snarl.

Depa carries Feral Child while Mace comms the Temple and they walk back to their ship.

The Temple is having a field day.

First, one of their Shadows reports that a well-known bounty hunter got an emergency message from a pal of theirs that said Jango Fett needs help learning Togruta childcare.

Then they get a call from Dooku, which is not the mission report they wanted.

Yoda: Mission report, you have?

Dooku: Of a sort. We successfully spoke with the locals, then went to investigate a rather large disturbance.

Mundi: A disturbance?

Dooku: We found the source to be a Force-sensitive child.

Mundi: So you are here to ask for more time on the planet?

Dooku:...

Yoda: Bring the child back, you wish to?

Dooku, unapologetic: He is of an acceptable age to be admitted into the Temple, and no other beings were around at the time to entertain the idea of there being guardians.

The Council is sighing and muttering bc this is a Disaster Lineage (and they haven't even met the other two yet). Their call is interrupted by the sound of crying and Dooku saying the child's woken up.

Then there's another Shadow who sends a message saying a set of twins that seem like Death Watch were found by the heir of Clan Kryze.

Finally, to top everything off, they get a call from Mace Windu and Depa Billaba. Two very dignified, not-at-all chaotic Jedi from a perfectly respectable lineage.

Yeah, most of the Council and the Order itself forgets that Yoda had a hand in raising Windu. Yoda "Feral Grandpa" who throws children at every problem. Grandson isn't doing too well? Throw a child his way. Other grandchild is struggling to cope with grief? Throw another child their way. Oh, there's a war going on and newest grandchild is angry a lot? Here's a child!

The entire lineage has a soft spot for children.

Anyways...

Mace: Our mission was a success. We found the artifact and both specimens.

Koth: How long until your return?

Mace:...

Yoda: Found a child, you did?

Gallia: Master Yoda, that's a rather illogical guess. Once is unusual, twice is-

Mace: Oh, did Qui-Gon find a child as well?

Yoda, smugly: Bringing the child back, are you?

Depa, from the background, after a rather loud snarl is heard: We do not bite things, young one.

*more snarling*

Mace: We have no reason to believe he was not alone.

Tiin: *deep sighing*

Mundi: *mild confusion noises*

Koon, eagerly: Please send photos of this youngling. For the archives, of course.

Mace, nodding sagely: Of course.

*extremely loud yowl* *sounds of Mace turning*

Mace: DEPA!

Depa: He nearly bit off my finger!

Mace: That doesn’t mean you pinch him!

Depa: What else am I supposed to do?!

*sudden exclamation filled solely of Mando’a, Huttese and Twi’leki curses*

Mace: So, I don’t know if he speaks Basic, but Master Che should be able to talk him through a check-up.

Yeah, several Council members are experiencing headaches now. Normally, they would have some empathy for Mace and his own stress-induced migraines. They currently do not.

Right after that call, Dooku calls back to say that Obi-Wan has left without them.

Mundi: He left the child with you, right?

Dooku:

Mundi: He left the child with you, right?

Obi-Wan did not leave himself with the Masters. Obi-Wan has listened to Mini-Obi and is off on some wild space adventure to a criminal-run planet.

The toddler won’t stop staring at him. He asks for a name. The kid says to call him Ben.

OW: Is that your name?

“Ben”: It is a name I am called :)

OW: That isn’t what I meant.

“Ben”: I know :)

Ben also keeps staring at OW’s lightsaber. OW decides to make sure the kid doesn’t start playing with it when he isn’t looking.

MEANWHILE

Ahsoka has figured out that she was really very oh-so wrong. She’s on Mandalore. As in, the Mandalore that is under Jango Fett. Bc she’s with Jango Fett. He’s holding her hand bc she was nervous about the strange looking medic (who was just wearing armor, but not clone armor and civies don’t wear armor.)

Ahsoka knows very little about Jango Fett. Clone Buir, Mandalorian leader, tried to kill Master Kenobi. Also dead.

He asks how she got in. She shrugs. She is too small to fight back so she can’t let him know anything. Whatever everything is right now. But also, he doesn’t seem mean or evil or anything.

Oh yeah. Skyguy said that Mandos love children. That's why the clones were so protective of her, even with Skyguy on her side of the argument.

She decides to use this to her advantage. She can probably get herself a comm, and enough time to call the Temple. If she can convince them she at least knows a Jedi, then they can come get her and she'll work from there.

ELSEWHERE

Rex and Cody are getting really upset. This Duchess is really nice, but she's acting really weird and keeps insisting she's not actually called Duchess. No one will give them a comm, they keep getting weird looks for speaking Mando'a even though they're on Mandalore, and Satine's father keeps mentioning a Fett. Maybe Boba's set a bad example again.

Rex starts to fall asleep, to his chagrin. He's too bored, sitting and getting some abnormally extensive check-up. Cody is fine, but he's used to the calm that is General Kenobi. Rex usually has a Togruta teen in the vents and a Human that is never where he's supposed to be.

Rex does, in fact, fall asleep. His "twin" starts glaring when a doctor goes to wake him up. Cody makes it clear that his brother is like Cat: once asleep, you do not wake.

Satine is giggling, but trying not to let the others hear. Cody does. Cody looks at her. They have a stare-off.

Cody goes back to glaring at the doctors. He will not admit to any emotions besides Protect™.

BACK TO

Obi-Wan and Ben have made it to Tatooine.

[wackus-bonkus-maximus]

With Felix, I keep wondering whether he just refuses to consciously process his guilt over causing and helping to continue the horrific situation Adrien's in. Like, he's empathic with Adrien, he KNOWS the psychological torture he's gone through on an intimate level. Makes me wonder how Felix thinks he'd cope with the same circumstances, being trapped away from everyone he cares about, and not having even his own mind or body as his, for YEARS, and forced to enslave someone he cares about as well. I don't actually know how he'd cope with that. I don't think it's something he'd deal with well, as much as he puts up a front of always having it together no matter what. I also wonder whether Felix is purposely stopping himself from truly processing and accepting the fucked-up things that he's been an accomplice for, since he doesn't really know how to deal with that, and since the situation is so dangerous for everyone involved. Like, that he needs his wits about him, and can't afford to feel guilty, to show any sign of weakness, to such a point that he even persuades himself that he doesn't feel bad.

I'm just hoping that if Felix walks free at the end of your story (and I strongly suspect he will) that he becomes The Atoner. I'm pretty sure that Luka's gonna feel extremely guilty once he fully finds out and processes the horror that Adrien's been going through for all this time, but he didn't actively help cause Adrien's situation, nor was he fully aware of what was going on with Adrien. If he had, then he would've acted, even with as reluctant as he is to rock the boat.

Come to think of it, I could see Luka and Felix discussing their roles in this mess once Adrien's finally free and safe. Luka's problem was his inaction, while Felix's was action. Felix has tried to keep Adrien's situation from being quite as horrific as it could have been, but it's still been pretty damn bad.

Just... Felix acts like he's shrugging off the horrors he's helped put his twin through, and I really want to know that he has changed as a person, that he is horrified by what he did before, like with his blatant disregard for what turning over all those Miraculous to a supervillain could mean for the rest of Paris, and that he's not the type of person who'd do that anymore. I don't think he's fully reached that point yet, but it feels like a breaking point is coming.

we are in a felix mood today huh?? coincidentally i woke up to some fraught comments on ao3 about him that i think match your questions and concerns XD as usual i'll do my best to answer without spoiling.

my felix is quite an unreliable narrator for a very specific reason. i can't tell you why yet but YOU, flightfoot, have actually guessed this reason correctly >:))) therefore while he does empathize with and understand adrien's turmoil (the peacock miraculous makes him an adrien-baby-monitor, as he put it), his hands are tied.

"Makes me wonder how Felix thinks he'd cope with the same circumstances" <- well...who's to say he's not?

it's not that he's persuaded himself not to feel bad, or that he's victim blaming. in "second dose" we see that felix moved back to paris in order to be closer to adrien, again for a specific reason (well 2 reasons technically, if we're counting adrien's suicide attempt). and in chapter 11 we saw how felix watches adrien through their bond, & comes to comfort him when he really needs it. however, because he's an unreliable narrator and a master manipulator, he ensures each one of his actions can be construed in an ambiguous way.

is he comforting adrien or is he there to stop another Attempt?

is he covering for adrien's night out or is he spying on lila?

is he helping ladybug beat chasseur or is he trying to distract her to escape?

did he bring kagami into the mix because he's on monarque's side, or because he wanted to protect her?

felix's thoughts, as well as his actions, are duplicitous. if you feel tricked by him, well that's bc he's tricking you. you're right to think he is not going to outright admit that he's changed or horrified or that he did something wrong, but that's because that would put him out of the game. and we know felix loves games.

[originlist]

bron thots and hcs 99% harvested from rambling i sent to charri and didnt wanna retype yet

thinking about avicebrons workshop as i write. it is... a nice place to be i think. in my terms of nice. avicebron keeps it comfortably warm bc he likes it better that way. it smells like earth. warmly lit. there are various comfortable chairs because he used to just have one or two for himself and then he realized people kept coming by so hes just [sighs and adds another good chair and someone else drags in a bean bag or some shit]. hes got a bookshelf full of things. theres clutter but its an interesting kind of clutter and he knows where everything is anyways and the floor is cleared so ur not gonna trip over anything except maybe a golems whos keeping it tidy. its a chill place to read a book and if u ask nicely u can use some of the clay he keeps to makes lil figures with for fun. thonk bron: im going to make a place i like being in as a workshop narrator: this means other people will also like being there and sometimes hang out with you, which means you will be forced to acknowledge The Existence Of Other People bron: fuck. ive played myself

one day i will reread my source on kabbalah and itll be the end for everyone bc ive been interested in it since freshman year but its hard to find sources. and i have Thots about his golems but ill properly phrase them once im able to look thru my other primary source, for now i just ramble but basically his current golems except Adam arent like True Golems and even Adam is iffy because its moved past what a golem is

so proper golems are entities made thru certain specific magical rituals, and they are beings created generally by rabbis with a background in mysticism in order to help the community. a proper golem is highly autonomous and able to think on (almost) human level on its own, somewhat similar to a homunculus in proper homunculus lore but also, not. dont worry about it. i dont have the time to get into it. but one day. thats a threat. the final piece to animating them is writing on either them or an amulet they are given, which they can be returned back to earth by erasing the first letter they are, specifically, made to either help or protect which is why the reactor core thing is [singsong] bullshiiiiiiit

avicebrons golems are quickly made things that are more like basic familiars, as they possess a lower level of thought and dont follow ritual, the handoff of being less autonomy in exchange for being able to make a lot of them very quickly and easily so he doesnt count them as Proper Golems but he also classes them as More Useful For Our Situation Than A Proper Golem they can do chores and they will keep u safe but they also dissolve after a few hits

look the man’s disabled and he uses golems to make up for the fact, he doesnt need them to be durable or fully sapient he just needs them to do chores when he cant move his arms all the way and his back hurts

adam however (his NP) is a Proper Golem Plus Some. im ignoring the part where its like 'in fgo he also would need a mage or high level reactor to be its core' because thats stupid a proper golem doesnt need a core it just needs mystic words and some other stuff, but in exchange ill say he writes life into it using some part of his own magic plus whats drawn from his master, and the rest of Adam's unique reality marble ability is that it can pull mana from the earth directly quickly made familiars have mineral cores in order to like..... cores are the equivalent of when u pull back a ball on those clacker desk toys, where they keep going back and forth for longer than they should? the core jump starts the mana conversion procedure allowing it to create energy to move bc gems in fate are a good prana conduit

he can still do the thing of like. fuck i forget the word for it. earthbending. like he does in apoc where he just kinda draws shapes out of soil, but its only for various kinds of dirt. cant rly fuck with gems or metal but hes got bigass clay jars in his workshop full of dirt and clay and Various Rocks to make stuff ut of that he can control with a hand wave. it makes his life easier. bron vc do i LOOK like i can lift anything. i thought not.

uuhhhh other random bron infodumps bc i made other posts and then deleted them

no legge, prosthetics start at the hip ball-and-socket joint. arms yes. the second pair of arms is removable and attached to a thin plate that he can attach under his shoulders. the secondary shoulder joint is technically hypermobile and its easier to dematerialize/rematierialize them instead of putting them on and off. theyre usually not out unless he needs them for something. he is ambidextrious with all four of them and will show off in the name of efficient multitasking.

got a lotta facial scars from having acne as a young adult. pockmarks and the like. on top of his whole body being fucky.

does not like the cold!! makes both his physical and prosthetic joints feel stiff. will not mention it but will just [slowly recedes further into his cloak]

his hair is not as fun as it looks (to me). he hates having a body in general and so he will intentionally refuse to care for any non-prosthetic part of himself properly for it until it gets bad, so his hair is generally kinda dry and messy. its not Bad bad but its not great.

he takes better care of his fake legs than he does the parts of his body he cant replace and u should yell at him for it.

his cloak is also not as heavy as it looks like it should be. its carefully balanced. he can and will however bonk you with the pointy bits if you stand too close to him. forcibly mandated 4-ft personal bubble.

THIS MAN CLICK CLACKS WHEN HE MOVES AND I DONT CARE WHAT APOCS LACK OF SOUND EFFECTS TRIES TO IMPLY. this man WILL go click clack between his feet and the metal decoration thingies on his cloak bonking each other.

people who know shit about golem lore feel free to tell me all my books are packed but thoughts ping like ping-pongs

actually just tell me about folklore in general from any of u i like legends and mysticism 

if u have read this far tell me about some of ur folklore

[roxasboxas]

An Exhaustive Post About WHY I Hate Eraqus So Fucking Much

*back on my bullshit voice* so the thing about Eraqus, right

We don’t see a lot of him, so when analyzing him we have to focus on his impact on other characters. And the first thing to note is how a lot of people in canon consider him pretty great, for whatever reason. But, again, we don’t see him being much of anything. So, his lasting effects on other characters are where it’s at.

Terra

Terra doesn’t display any actual skill when it comes to being able to tell who’s trustworthy.

Some of it comes from him not having grown up on Disney movies like we have, but even then a lot of the people he falls in with over the course of BBS are pretty blatantly suspicious. A lot of people put this on him as a personal failing, but I’d argue that a good deal of that falls on Eraqus, his fucking teacher-dad who was supposed to help keep him safe and know how to keep himself safe.

Although, in all fairness, this may be a skill Eraqus lacks, too, as he hangs out with Xehanort.

Still, though, Terra seems to trust people (especially authority figures) with an almost unnatural absoluteness in most circumstances (ie, any time outside of that scene where he saves Ven from Eraqus), which plays into my next point.

Terra is ridiculously hard on himself.

Terra: *makes one mistake while acting in self defense* Terra, literally: “I can never go home” (in the scene it’s a bit more obvious, but it’s implied that his thought process is that Eraqus would never accept him home after, yknow, him making a literal mistake)

Xehanort kills Eraqus, but who does Terra blame? His own damn self, to the point of telling Aqua that he Terra killed Eraqus, rather than that Xehanort who literally killed Eraqus did it.

Where did Terra’s darkness come from, anyways?

We don’t really have a solid idea of how hearts and light and darkness work in Kingdom Hearts (despite how often they’re brought up) but darkness at least seems to be pretty heavily sourced from negative emotions (Ansem SOD possessing Riku via him being upset about Sora not needing him, Vanitas’ entire character, etc.)

So. Terra’s darkness. Terra has enough negative emotion for it to apparently be a palpable problem that we are concerned about. Like, does he have a genetic predisposition to depression or anxiety or something? Are there any therapists in the Land of Departure? What’s going on there

Terra has so much going on emotionally that he literally gets possessed. He needs some milk therapy

Aqua

Aqua is the golden child and the eldest daughter and it. fucks. her. up.

She’s two years younger than Terra but she’s taking the Mark of Mastery at the same time as him. Did she just start at the same time as him? Why did she start so young? this is ridiculous

She absolutely puts herself in a caretaker role (definitely to a higher degree with Ven, but also with Terra at times). Her fellow apprentices are almost more her responsibility than Eraqus’ at times, which should absolutely not be the case. My girl is 18 in BBS she is too young to be raising a 16y/o boy and a 20y/o man.

What parental stuff does Eraqus do on screen? “Terra, you are like a son to me” fuckin act like it then

If anything Eraqus encourages this thought process and behavior when he tells her to keep an eye on Terra as he sends the two of them off to punch monsters. This aint healthy man. shut up

Even when she’s hanging out in the realm of darkness for a hot decade her focus is less on taking care of herself and more on getting back to Terra and Ventus because she feels so obligated to take care of them

She’s only IN the realm of darkness in the first place because she hopped in to save Terra, who was kind of. hella possessed and evil at the time.

I feel like this actually shows up in her game mechanics as well. She’s a glass cannon. She’s out here solving other peoples problems and killing monsters like a champ but shes got no health bc shes not taking care of her own needs.

All of Aqua’s problems really fall under that one category but hoo boy it is a doozy huh

Ventus

im going back and getting the exact dialogue for this part because holy shit

Eraqus: “Ventus, you’re alone? I thought Aqua would-- Well, what matters is that you’re home. You don’t belong outside this world yet. You need to stay here, where you can learn--” Ventus: “In your prison?” Eraqus: “What?” Ventus: “That’s your excuse... for keeping me imprisoned here, isn’t it?” Eraqus: “What did you hear?” Ventus: “That I’m supposed to be some weapon... Some kind of... ‘X-blade”!” Eraqus: “I knew it. Xehanort-- He could never let it go.” [pause for flashback] Eraqus: “I failed. I had the chance to stop him and couldn’t do it. But I will not fail again.” [Eraqus summons his fucking keyblade to kill a child] Ventus: “Master! What are you...” Eraqus: “The X-Blade has no place in this or any world. Xehanort has made his purpose clear... and I am left with no choice. Forgive me... But you must exist no more.” [Terra steps in and saves Ventus.] Eraqus: “What?” Terra: “Master, have you gone mad?” Eraqus: “Terra! I command you-- step aside!” Terra: “No!” Eraqus: “You will not heed your Master?” Terra: “I won’t!” Eraqus: “Why do all my attempts to reach you fail?” [side note: this is its own fuckin loaded statement but its in terms of his effect on Terra’s own self doubt rather than what Ventus is up to] “If you don’t have it in your heart to obey... then you will have to share Ventus’s fate.” [Terra and Eraqus begin to fight] Ventus: “Enough, Terra! He’s right...”

Or, tl;dr, Ven literally believes he should fuckin die just bc Eraqus said so. What the FUCK

Ventus: hey did you know about this Eraqus: yes. die Ventus: shit ok

Things to keep in mind:

Ventus has about 4 years of cumulative memory due to magic heart shenanigan induced amnesia

Eraqus was technically responsible for him this whole time, and claimed to Ventus (getting Terra and Aqua to lie about this, BY THE WAY) that this had been the arrangement since forever.

Xehanort and Yen Sid

Xehanort

Okay, we can’t blame Eraqus for Xehanort being evil as shit and we’re probably gonna get more info on that in the new Xehanort game, but. Eraqus fucking cheats at fantasy chess. Probably didn’t contribute that much to Xehanort’s darkness problem, sure, but probably didn’t help at all, either.

Yen Sid

Dude just lives in his tower. doing jack shit. making Sora and Riku teach themselves during their final exam. Making Merlin teach Kairi and Lea. do something my guy you’re irrevocably caught up anime drama anyways

this is the joke section. to lighten the mood after talking about the whole child murder thing

And then Eraqus had literally no direct effect on anyone else in the whole ass series. His entire impact was literally negative. I hate him

[mimicsecretdiary]

Star Wars oneshot

[beware: long post ahead] Introduction

The Galaxy,for the first time,seems to be at peace: the Republic and Empire have reached a stall and acceptable agreements and both of them are not pinching and nabbing at each other too much. This is also thanks to the just-ended great war, lasting the incredible short period of 5 years, which had ended with a large-scale schism of the Sith order that destabilized the Empire. There are those who say the Sith "rebels" were supported by the Republic, some say they were headed by a Sith lord with powers comparable or even higher than the Emperor himself. The fact is that now the intergalactic forces are more or less in peace. [Characters introductions here]

The scene opens with a Chiss pilot in space. Janos has just finished one of his regular smuggling jobs and he's relaxing while the most recent member of his "one man crew" is being the paranoid of the bunch and he's checking the ship for any evidence or problems that might have happened during the mission. They receive a call on holo from a "private number" basically, and Janos, before letting his "co-pilot" paranoid human hacker answer, checks from where it arrives. It's from Korriban. "AH. EXCELLENT". They are a bit on the defensive but Jaydkan,the hacker knowns as "cresto", or hacker, or paranoid, or simply J says that "curiosity makes him curious" (he's a hacker, not a poet) and they respond. It is a rattataki that calls Janos by name (OK) and tells him that it is the apprentice of his "employer" (GREAT) and that has a job for him, perhaps the last "mandatory" one (actual good), and she basically wants me to pick up two Night Sisters( G L O R I U O S) and a couple of jedi ( SPEC TA CU LAR) to help her Master in a thing. "ah ok, so now I'm taxi service". Of course I accept, I do not have the right to refuse, and I head to the coordinates. The scene moves to the Night Sisters, who are briefly informed about the matter by teh same rattataki woman, even if they already knew what they had to do and they get informed about who and where and when they will be taken to do such work. Madea and Winter are of few words and many facts so when the "taxi" arrives, they introduce themselves - more or less- and they go quietly in their ""lodgings"" on the ship to meditate. New change of scene and we are on Typhon, known planet of jedi temples. Three jedi are digging and working in an archeologic site when one of the three, Sa'Vin, recieves an holo call. From a "private number" She moves away from the tent and answers, finding the same rattataki as before. But she knows her by name ("Tiraka"), and knows who she is and who her Master is, as she had had "dealings" with him in the past. There is a strenuous conversation where Tiraka asks for support from Sa'Vin, and she deduces that it must be a great deal if it is her and not her Master who calls for help. The sith apprentice confirms the situation it's as such. With a sigh, Sa'vin accepts the caller's request for help and closes the call, speaking soon after privately with her padawan Milisendis asking if she would feel comfortable doing a "special" mission. The Miraluka girl seems to be interested academically speaking and, when asked, the other Jedi, a Givin called Iad-aan, appears to be interested as well (there is a samll player-death here bcs the charcter vocie od Iad-aan made me die laughing.). Iad-Aan asks if it is an illegal thing, and when it is confirmed that it is not "technically" he lightly accepts. Sa'vin drives in speeder the two colleagues / companions to the place of randevouz for Tiraka had confirmed that she had already arranged somebody to come and get them near the place of need. The three await the ship in a open grassfield and when the said transport arrives after a a couple of hours, Iad-Aan uses the Force to "see" who is inside and percieves clearly two strong sources of Force not fully trained on but mostly Dark Ways. On the other hand, the Night Sisters perceive themselves to be observed. Landing, Janos comes down from the ship to check his "cargo" and remaining pleasantly surprised by (re)Seeing Sa'vin, cordially greeting Millisendis and remaining a little shocked by the welcoming of the Givin, makes them jump on board, urgently asking not to provoke quarrels with the other two young ladies in the ship. There is a brief chat between Janos and Sa'vin, where she asks him to use the name with which she presented herself and where she whispers that she would like to know where he had met this current employer of his (The sith master she also knows). "I could ask you the same question, Counsellor Sa'vin" "it is not obvious that i will not answer". On the ship they all meet up with a young blue twi'lek and a jawa, who is promptly threatened by Janos who warns the small alien that he is "keeping an eye on him (Zili.. Don't let it touch my droid)". It's obvious that this kind of conversation is now routine on the ship. [Sa'vins player was feeling ill so she left after this point] Before taking off, on the datapad that gave Janos the coordinates for the variosu landings a message compose itself and it suggests to ask the Nighsisters to explain the problem to the new arrivals of the ship. Janos hurriedly gets up (complaining that it could have wrote the message in the 5 seconds before i had sat down on the pilot seat) and he goes, but before he could hear the Night sisters' negative answer, he's already gone. The journey starts... without any of the main groups exchanging covnersations. We arrive at the coordinates set: a moon that looks more like a cemetery of buildings than an inhabited place, with several craters created or from large battles or frequent meteorites. When the ship docks, the landing pod blocks my supports and I find myself very frustrated at the idea of ​​not being able to just get the fuck out. The jedis and the non-Force-users get off board looking at a pyramid liek tomb, stil lwondering what we are doing there since miss onehanded -shotgun-loading-sound Madea has not told us anything about the job yet. Looking around the landing pod we see the door of a pyramidal tomb that is closed by two statues with hands and arms joined. The scavengers notice also some computers with soem data running on the screens and the hacker + twi'lek are observing with great interests the tech there: it's an automatic station for archaeological finds' analysis. J downloads a bit of the just finished analysis on the device and Yewzili pockets some various paddles. I'm like "kid don't do it" and she "it's to repay you: 3" "if you want to repay me by sicking 45 angry Siths because I stole their precious antique night vases, i'll gladly skip that" "they will never notice." While the three smuggler-type pirate things, the jedis use the Force to open the doors, after Madea said, very caustic, that their employer is literally just locked inside (janos: "AH he called us because he got stuck a tomb, this is AMAZING"). The jedi open the door of 50cm and let pass the two Night sisters in front of line, then they go in and finally the mere blaster-holders go at the rear. As soon as we get all inside, Iad-aan uses the Force again to perceive dangerous creatures and finds two or three BIG clustersof negative energy plus a more powerful one of inestimable suffering in the depths of the tomb. We assume that's out quarry. Trying to avoid the clusters of life forms perceived by the mathematical jedi, we start our descent. At the first junction we are attacked by a Kath who is severely mistreated by the force-users (Medea jumps behind him using the wall as a lever hitting his back, ian-aad splats it on the ceiling, Zili electifies it with the vibrosword and finally Medea eviscerates it while iad -aan overkills it with a Force-beheading. Janos kinda just puts away the blaster shrughing). A little further on we find another forkin the road, with both ends going downhill, and an obelisk at the center of a small opening in the cave. The jedi interact with it- in whisper - while Janos  -"feeling lucky" in whisper - gets a very bad feeling from the way on the right. Iad-aan says that the obelisk has "spoken to him" and that we must continue in the way right but "without touching the dead" - something along these lines. There is a brief pseudo-philosophical discussion between iad and medea where medea does not seem particularly inclined to speak, while janos and zili are having an heated covnersation about some potential good stored in Janos' ship that zili may or may not have"resold" or used (spoielr: it was spice. (context: spice in sw its drug basically)). In the fustration, Janos does not realize that he is walking right in the direction of the bad feeling. We arrive in a room full of stacks of skeletons and Iad-Aan assumes these are the dead not to be touched, so with nonchalance levitates wit hthe Force across the room (he's usign a lot of Force powers, he should be more careful). Madea comments caustically that "some" people REALLY like to show "how many things they can do"; the Night Sisters make show of their great agility and the others (Milisendis Zili, and J) simply walk - janos needs a few seconds before deciding to cross the room .  The "bad feeling" really gets to him- [J's player is prone to be very sleepy so he left as well at this poing] Just as we are getting out the blasted room, 6 huge and disgusting humanoids, Rakghouls, jump on us and we start a fight. Janos  -last in the line so first to be attacked- slips his entire arm into the mouth of one of these monsters as it growls and he like unloads his blaster charge in the skull of the disgusting thing, causing it to burst from within. The creature falls to the ground coem a fish without bones, ("Ah ... he bit me ç_c ...") biting janos' arm on the way down; Iad-aan unleashes his levitate to lift himself up into the cavernous room and not get caught by two of them; medea uses, according to old tactics already tried, Winter as jumping pad and twirling in the air with feline grace and shoots in the head to another of the creatures with the blaster incorporated in her mechanical arm; zili jumps back while the attack of the jedi padawan Milisendis doesn't go as good as she would have wanted. In the second round with a bit of Force pushes and blaster shots an classical Force-beheadings, we take the rest out. Medea snaps a bit of acid words to Zili ("Cowardice will not keep you alive") and we contine along the path down (zili is quite offended: "it actually works pretty good to me"). Around the corner we hear heavy steps and Mili, Yewzilin and Janos peek the corridor while Iad-Aan perceives it with Force: it is a fairly large creature known to feed on the Force + force users altogether. Janos comments that "hey, at least three of us are safe!" readily correct that they are nonetheless creatures carinvore and the Force flows in all of us. yadda yadda jedi shit. Janos promptly takes zili for an arm and literally sprints silently across the corridor to where the creature is eating some corpse or carcass. Zili does not make a sound but Janos almost slips and schatters a bone by mistake. Luckly the creature does not seem to care too much. ("DAMN IT YOU OLD MAN" Zili whispers angrly. "Ehy watch your mouth kid, the thing didn' saw us anway!!") Janos was "arguing" with Zili to use the Jawa as a distraction while Milsendis and Medea convinced Iad-aan that usinf the Force -again- to move soem rock in a far away corridoir would have not distracted the creature because it would have felt the source of the Force-usage. Some more or less sucessful sneaking made us avoid the creature complitely. We find now in front of a dor not much different from the one we met earlier and Medea with Winter brute-forcibly try to push it open (Medea: "will you others help us or not?". Janos and zili, together:"no no i think i'l lstay here watchign you two." zili:"I could watch them all day * eyes emoji *") while the jedi reuse the Push to Force it open. The initially percieved source of pain becomes it stronger once we enter the next room. [And hereby we ended the oneshot]

[ctrl-shift-esc]

“The greatest gift you could ever give me is , consistency.” - Veronica 

Spoil Her with Consistent Quality Time 

Good morning from my living room, 

which is now, not as empty as it used to be. This place is filling up quicker than I thought!

It feels good to be getting the furniture we need, and decorating it to feel like home. I’m all about nesting…

I’m currently recuperating from 3 weeks of full time work on set. As a reward I’ve allowed myself to take the following 4 days off. Can’t say it’s been easy to refuse work, and commit to my time off. Who knew! (anyway, that’s a future post to come). For now, I am finally going to write about the little getaway to Victoria BC, Eric and I decided to take a few weeks back!

[ ferry ride to Victoria Bc. ]

With Eric’s job, we don’t get to see each other everyday, we don’t even get the weekends together. We go a straight 20, or now , 14 days without seeing each other, consistently… Not to mention that when he does come home, he’s more often than not, tired from working 14 to 20 days straight 12 hours a day, understandably.

On my end, I take as many days of work as I can while he’s gone. So that when he’s home I press on the breaks a little bit to be able to soak up as much time as I can with him. A luxury I get from making my own schedule. That being said, sometimes life happens. Things come up; weddings, friends or family visiting, or plain old responsibilities. Yes, being with each other should technically be enough. But sometimes it’s not. We all like to think that living our day to day lives together is enough to upkeep a romantic connection. But I’m afraid to say, that it might not be. Eventually the relationship can feel strenuous. Sure enough, it did. 

Life happened and we were (or I was ) feeling more and more tired. Feeling exhausted, and becoming short with one another. We were spending his time off dealing with responsibilities and attending to other people (which isn’t, by any means, lack of fun!) but we, in consequence, put quality time for ourselves on the back burner. It can be easier to forgive, for a relationship with a regular schedule. However, only having one week a month together, doesn’t allow for that kind of leeway. Rest assured though, it’s nothing a little Quality Time can’t fix! 

So we did just that, recently, many of my friends had been talking about Victoria, and Eric and I had been saying , we should go “One day”. Well “One Day” doesn’t make shit happen. I’ve learned that you need to set a definitive “By When” for things to start moving. Even if it’s in a year from now, at least the plan is made, you’re now working towards something. A week prior, we decided we we’re going to Victoria BC. for 1 night. Quality time doesn’t have to be the four seasons, Fairmont or Sandals resort to make you feel like you’re living a fairytale. It can be simple, quaint, and on the DL. 

Sure the pressure is on, to have an over the top romantic getaway, like you see in Rom Coms. Especially when you’re parched, and dehydrated from the lack of romance the past few months. Take it from someone like me; who has slight control issues & often needs / wants everything to be perfect. It’s easy for me to get ahead of myself. I’m not going to lie, I was originally looking at hotels like the Fairmont, and the Hilton. But then I opted for a quaint hotel right on Douglas st.; The Strathcona. 

[ picture credit: strathconahotel.com - Google, images ]

We got lucky, the Strathcona is actually surrounded by a few party places. Which we only found out about, when we got there. Since we had decided to go on a Sunday, we missed the noise and drunk people by one day. Phew! I’m not mad about it. It was indeed a quaint and cute place to spend the night. It reminded me of the Audrey Hepburn days (as if I know what those were like…). Fine, it reminded me of Old Movies. Made me want to dress shabby chic and walk the streets! 

We hurried upstairs to drop our bags, then, hurried right back down to go for a nice car ride along the water. I think, this was the highlight of the trip. To drive around, on a fall day with my love, by the ocean. Looking at beautiful houses that make you daydream about your best (future) life. Pit stopping to get coffees and hot chocolates along the way. It really allowed us to reconnect. To forget about the “Have To’s” and the “Must’s”. And to simply be present in the “Now”. 

That night was date night. I’d been recommended a lovely restaurant by a customer at work - Il Terrazzo. A hidden Italian restaurant & this lady swore by it! So obviously, we had to visit! It was everything I was craving. If you know me, you know; I’m all about those “hole in the wall”, quaint, cozy, rustic, ambient, places. And this was just that. It’s not a secret place, it’s actually quite known, but it’s also, quite literally, a hole in the wall. 

[ picture credit: waymarking.com - Google, images ]

You turn into an alley and the front entrance is off into a corner. The food was majestic, and the service was great. The ambiance, was perfect. I can’t wait to go back. Brick walls, large windows, wooden chairs and accent wooden  beams, were the main decor. They had multiple art displays, candle lit lighting. It was definitely romantic to say the least. 

In just a short 8 hours away with Eric, I already felt refreshed. I felt like I could breathe again. This, is what Quality Time does. It is so very important in a relationship. 

The next day was about spending our time exploring. Walking around, trying new restaurants. I had heard of Fan Tan Alley, by one of my friends who used to be a local. Although Fan Tan alley isn’t just visited by Victoria residents, it’s known to be quite the tourist attraction. And now, ‘twas on my radar to track down. 

[ Fan Tan Alley, Victoria BC ]

It’s an alley way, between two very close buildings. Which somehow holds space for several little artisan shops. I Am So In My Element! Not only have we found that Victoria is by nature the cutest - coziest little town, I was with my best friend, my boyfriend, exploring everything new. I’m happy. 

You might recognize the famous entrance way to Fan Tan Alley below -  Instagram seems to have taken the utmost liking to it…

We spent our day laughing, eating and shopping. 

And … Bickering. Yes. that’s a reality. When you’ve reached a point in your relationship where you’re both thirsty for quality time, there’s possibly a resentment build up. As I like to say, you’re no longer calibrated. Also, in our case, we only have so many days where we can talk things through properly. It unfortunately happens to be when we’re physically together… 

If there’s one thing I need to remind myself, it’s that; it takes the bickering, the fighting, the talking at each other, the eye rolling, and the time-outs, to get to an understanding. Unless you’ve mastered your communication, then you’ll inevitably have misunderstandings and long talks about your feelings. Especially if you’re trying to change or better anything in your relationship. 

Even though there were the small cringing moments, the memory I have of that weekend, is the way I felt spending undivided time with Eric. It was worth every minute. The good and the Not so good. 

[ me being creepy, in Fan Tan Alley ]

between all the laughing and bickering we tried this lovely seafood place called Finn’s. 

Another, cozy/ rustic place, by the water. 

I opted for the lobster lunch, which was surprisingly not as expensive as I thought it deserved. Its prices were equivalent to Bridges on Granville Island, in Vancouver, yet served bigger portions . The food was once again v tasty. See for yourself. 

[ now I’m hungry again… great ]

I recommend to any couple to go spend a day getaway in Victoria BC, or anywhere for that matter – any day!

It was nothing short of a breath of fresh air! Quality time, seems to replenish a withered connection with ease. Spending so much time apart can make you forget the little things that brought you together in the first place. It takes those times to rekindle and be reminded who you are as a couple. And I promise you it’ll feel good. Why do you think we always hear stories about how people fell in love on vacation? Because there’s something about being away, & forgetting about your To Do list, that is magical. 

The best present you could offer anyone in a relationship - I believe, (among other things ( like communication, loyalty, respect))- is consistent quality time. The effort, and the willingness to keep at it. 

So there it is.

A little quality time goes a long way - spoil her with consistency.

Until next time - enjoy the next few pics of our trip! 

[ The ferry ride was a windy ride ]

[ I look at you when you don’t know I am. ]

[ One of Eric’s favorite things to do, is to take Very awkward pictures of me… ]

[ Victoria BC. ]

On that note

Ctrl+Shift+ couples who travel together stay together - where are you guys going next?

[artificialqueens]

Cheap pack of cigarettes (Pearlet)

Hey everyone, that’s my first fic in English and even though I feel really fucking insecure bc of the language, I think it’s time to step over it, right?? No beginning — no result, in the end. Hope y'all enjoy it. Much love.

“I do not want to hear this,” Matt says, feeling slightly annoyed. He’s used to it. He’s always slightly annoyed. “What I want to hear is at least one thing explaining the reason you want to be here, darling. I get it, you choke on Santino’s balls every day on lunch break, but what’s the point of waking up early every day, coming home at six in the evening and constantly, constantly find some inner strength to annoy the others if you have the nicest opportunity to just…leave it?”

Okay, Matt knows that Kevin will stay here, even if his cheeks explode right in front him (which is pretty expectable as Kevin’s pale cheekbones are just radiating pure shade of radish right now), because Santino hates useless people and because there are a lot of hot model guys on the fourth floor, stupid ass models that assume Kevin is kind of an other Santino for their little bronze arses.

“Hey, what’s going on?” he hears Santino’s voice suddenly, blinks and sets a schmaltzy cheshire smirk on his lips.

“Nothing”, Matt says, “just talking about life with your arm candy.”

“Ow, and following whom? Nietzsche? Raskolnikov?”

“More like Father Goriot vibes,” Matt smiles acidly and walks away from the room, knowing for sure that Santino’s going to eat up any kind of shit he comes up with. He’s not just a marketing guy, he’s the marking guru, although it’s been just seven months of his practice. Matt even wears these adult Hugo Boss suits because Santino takes him to every business deal, whether it’s just a lunch or an official meeting.

The perks of being smart. Or cons. Depends.

Right now, he’s impatiently staring at slowly changing numbers in the elevator, from twenty two to one, even more impatiently playing with the lighter in his left hand. He quickly crosses the hall filled with the sounds of ladies’ heels clatter, marimba ringtone and scent of hot coffee and storms out of the building, to the parking lot, a fag already between his lips.

Fuck.

Once, twice. Four times, then a couple more. His lighter is dead. Matt harshly swears under his breath.

The sky is grey. You can’t even see it under this big cover of massive clouds — with their purples, indigos and even dirty greens looking more like fresh bruises on a pair of pale knees. And god, the air is unsparingly humid, feels like you can raise your hand and stay with handful of cotton candy. Matt wants it to rain so hard the water would wash him away, dissolve his body under the pale clouds above.

And there it is. A quiet cough somewhere next to Matt, causing him to lift his gaze down and turn a little bit.

There’s a guy. In a white tee shirt and ripped grey jeans. He’s pale and his dark, Matt would even say ebony hair tied up in a bun, very messy and very, very curly one. He has a baby pink satin gym sac on his shoulder and a lighter in his hand, which he points at Matt with.

Matt nods. The boy puts a cigarette in his mouth and walks forward to Matt, lighting his cigarette first and not breaking their kind of heavy eye-contact. He’s a little bit taller. And smells like organic shampoo, no wonder why his hair looks so soft.

The boy blinks and lights his own cigarette. Matt licks his lips.

“Thank you,” he says quietly.

The matter is, the guy’s probably a model. Tall, slim, legs for miles and not dressed up like a Wall-Street habitué. And although they usually drink smoothies and vanilla frappuccinos whilst smoking and also smoke in front of the building, posing for street style websites, he really looks like a model. And Matt doesn’t like models. At least all the models he’s met here were pretty much obsessed with talking shit about each other, that’s literally all.

“Jason!”

They both turn their heads to the sound of a female voice, and Matt recognizes Isabelle, the CEO of the whole company in this petite woman, quickly making her way towards them on her heels. He’s see her a lot of times and Santino even told him once that she said she was really pleased with Matt’s work, but they’ve never interact properly. Isabelle is dressed as perfect as usual, milk chocolate hair framing her well-aged face, yet a little bit concerned at the moment.

“You know I don’t encourage this,” she says, pointing to the cigarette in the boy’s fingers. “And we’re going to be late, so…oh, Matthew!” she exclaims, turning to Matt. Very surprised Matt. “It is such a pleasure to finally meet you, darling, not the greatest time, but nevertheless, I’m so glad we’re having you here!” she finally stops in from of them and quickly shakes Matt’s hand with her diminutive one, crinkles by her eyes as she smiles make her look even more sympathetic.

“It’s an honor for me, honestly,” Matt shakes it in awe, feeling a little bit awkward at the same time.

“Really wouldn’t want to treat my best workers like that, but you will have to excuse me, we’re running out of time, honey. See you later!”

She even fucking kisses him twice on the cheeks, and Matt sees that mocking smile on the boy’s, Jason, apparently, lips, after that, but then Isabelle just grabs his hand and the two of them quickly walk to the car, the woman’s sweet chirrup stuck in Matt’s head for a long time after they disappear.

***

The next couple of weeks go as usual, except Matt thinks of ripping the fuck away all the collars and sleeves of his shirts more and more — it’s physically hard to wear anything but tees in August.

Santino claps his hands and smiles.

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we’re having a five minute break now, please don’t be late, we still have a lot of stuff to discuss today.”

And the whole room of people rushes out of the door as fast as possible, mostly to grab some water. Matt, the lucky motherfucker who never sweats, goes directly to the back staircase, no time to go to the parking lot. One very smart and wise man, Kurtis, who now works in fucking Interview magazine, once showed him this quick and unproblematic way to have a minute, bless his chicken-loving heart. No, seriously, the lad loved chickens more than he loved his husband.

“Oh, hi.”

The moment when Matt is gone with the memories of his working life master is ruined with…Jason.

“Hel…lo?”

“It’s not illegal, right?”

Matt feels himself smiling a little.

“What?”

“Using the stairs. I’ve just spent fifteen minutes waiting for the elevator, like, it’s really too much for a one minute ride, right?”

“Yea, just a busy day here. It’s fine, using the stairs is not illegal.”

“It’s just special, then,” the boy says, his expressions go mock-coquettish.

“For elite only,” Matt agrees and takes a long drag, studying the boy who slowly walks down. He’s wearing a pink tee shirt and little shorts, leaving his long legs open for admiring. Dark curls this time cascading down to his shoulders, making the boy’s eyes deeper and bigger. They’re also dark, as far as Matt can make out, but he’s not sure.

“I cannot imagine how y'all wear that shit every day, I’m dying even in a t-shirt, you know. It’s hot as fuck.”

“Thanks for the compliment, I know it suits me,” Matt teasingly retorts, causing the other boy to raise his eyebrows and the right corner of his lips to turn upwards.

“I was actually talking about my t-shirt, not your suit, love.”

Matt chuckles and nods, defended, and throws the fag away.

“Have a nice day, Jason.”

“Same to you, Matthew.”

***

Matt is really fucking hungry, the only thought keeping him alive that past hour was the loveliest still-life, deserving to be hanged in Tretyakov’s gallery — a big, shiny with its fat, hot Barcelona burger, a plate of oily french fries and a giant vanilla milkshake from Mile’s. Matt takes a deep breath and opens the door to the cabinet to take his jacket and freezes under two pairs of eyes — Santino’s and Jason’s. It’s been two or three months since he last met the boy, and again, that’s more than unexpected.

“Hi Jason,” he says slowly, shaking off the confusion, but still looking into the boy’s eyes. He can’t read them, he cannot understand them, same confident, amused expressions, yet blank, matte. Emotionless.

“Hi Matthew,” he slowly answers, not breaking the eye contact either. Hell knows what he’s thinking about. His leg could be burning right now, and Matt still wouldn’t understand that.

“Oh wow,” it’s Santino’s turn to talk. His voice, just like his face, is…shook. Matt doesn’t know why, but he enjoys it. “Alright then. Have a nice evening, boys. Matt, see you tomorrow.”

They’re alone now. Matt blinks and slowly puts on his jacket.

“Um…”

“I’m hungry,” Jason announces, lifting his chin and crossing his arms on his chest. “Actually, I told him I was waiting for a friend here and he didn’t believe me and offered to take me for a dinner and I said I was not hungry, in case if you were listening.

"I wasn’t.”

“Oh.”

Jason looks like a swan, like a proud, elegant, yet offended bratty swan with his long neck, hair tied up in a messy bun again and long pale arms crossed.

Matt has seen this person twice before this evening, but he still feels like there’s something wrong. The boy’s still calm, still confident and poise, but Matt feels as if there are invisible hurdles all over him, very agressive and very, very traumatic indeed.

“So you’re not waiting for a friend here?”

“Technically, you were that friend. I wanted to ask if I could have a cigarette from you.”

“Sure you…”

“Are you going home now?”

Matt blinks twice, trying to read the consequences of a positive and the consequences of a negative answer.

“I was actually going to Mile’s, because I’ve been fucking starving,” he says cautiously. And then, even more cautiously, adds “wanna join?”

He notices that tension slowly leaves the boy’s body and his dark brown eyes soften. His arms are still crossed though, but Matt understands. He still doesn’t know a thing, but he understands.

“I do.”

***

“But what if you like another one more?”

“I’m pretty satisfied with how much I like Barcelona, thank you Ja—”

“You’re a coward.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said you—”

“Good evening gentlemen, can I take your order?”

Jason crosses his arms on his chest again and turns his face to the petite blonde with an IPod.

“Hi, yes, thank you, we’d like to have two vanilla milkshakes, a Sicilia and a Barcelona burgers, and two french fries, please, one with cheese topping.”

“Both with cheese topping,” Matt corrects, watching Jason.

“Both with cheese topping, please.”

“Owkay, anything for the dessert?” the girl asks, winking at Matt.

“Later,” they say in sync, nodding.

She pouts a little (Jason’s shady eye roll doesn’t go unnoticed) and repeats their order, takes the menus and goes away, leaving the two of them tête-a-tête again.

“How did you find that place?” Jason asks, which was a bit unexpected, because he still seems a bit tensed. As if he put himself together, but there was too much going on, too hard to pretend. “I’ve never heard of it before.”

“I was looking for Vivi Bubble Tea actually, it was here a year ago or something, but they moved and I decided to go try—”

“Barcelona.”

Matt licks his lips, teasingly annoyed.

“Yes. Barcelona. And I think that this talking-over habit of yours is really worse than smoking, love.”

“Is that an invitation?” the corners of Jason’s lips tremble slightly.

“Well you were waiting for me and my pack all in all, so yeah, it is.”

“You’re so sweet, you know.”

“To your bitter.”

“Rude,” he holds the door for Matt, before they enter the street, busy, noisy and so different to the comforting little cafe, filled with friendly radio songs and french vintage posters, and pleasing smell of oil and frying meat too.

“Why didn’t you buy yourself a pack?” Matt asks, watching Jason lighting his cigarette. For some reasons, their whole connection just flies around Marlboro Lights or Camel Yellows.

“I forgot my wallet at home and went to ask my mom for some cash but she wasn’t at the office and then I remembered you.”

“How nice,” Matt chuckles, deciding that he really doesn’t want to remember the Santino part of today. “How you’re going to go home?”

“My driver,” Jason shrugs. “He’ll pick me up at seven, so you’re stuck with me until then, love,” he mimics, and Matt rolls his eyes. And smiles.

***

The bitch took his Barcelona burger as soon as their order came.

“Jason, what the fuck, give it back to me, Jesus Christ,” Matt groans, whilst the boy next to him shakes his head unapologetically.

“Stop nagging, you knew it was going to happen sooner or later.”

“What? Having to tolerate Satan itself till seven pm?”

And Jason starts laughing, like, properly laughing, with his head thrown back and crinkles by his eyes visible. Not as adorable as it could’ve been when your burger dreams are fading right in front of you. But still kind of nice to see.

“No, I mean trying a new burger. Come on, I’m sure it’s actually better than Barcelona.”

“You can have it,” Matt grabs the plate with both hands and puts it in front of Jason. “There, bon appetite, now give me my—”

“You know what, we’ll share.”

“Oh god.”

“Yeah, you’re eating the half of Sicilia and then you’ll have your precious Barcelona half, deal?”

“No, not deal, you don’t even have money to fucking pay for this.”

“I’ll pay you as soon as my car arrives, with my wallet and stuff, besides, you brought me here, you initiated this, so the gentleman pays, asshole,” Jason’s clearly having the time of his life right now, and for some reasons unknown to humanity, Matt prefers this, not gone with clearly not that bright thoughts Jason.

“I’m not a gentleman, you fucker—”

“Well I’m clearly less a gentleman than you are, so shut up and eat the burger while it’s hot.”

It’s actually enough for Jason to just look directly into Matt’s eyes to make him take the burger in his hands. One poise, domineering look of dark brown eyes — and Matt just obeys, biting the bloody burger.

And if likes Sicilia more than Barcelona, well. Jason doesn’t need to know.

***

It’s 6th of October, the birthday of this shithole Matt works at. Not exactly a shithole actually, but sometimes there’s nothing but shit going on here. Sometimes Matt thinks it’s too adult for him, but then he’s just too exhausted to expand this thought.

He’s on the twenty eighth, the last floor of their building, in a group of people he couldn’t give less fucks about. Like, they talk about work, even when there’s free booze all around and each of them knows for sure no one wants to talk about the rises and the falls of the week. But they still do.

That’s why he’s staring at the window. He loves this floor, because it’s actually a very elegantly designed restaurant, with giant windows for walls and tender creamy lights, making people’s faces look prettier than they are. And the city is there, this endless metallic city, with towers and bridges, lights and tabloids, constellations of people and tragically lonely wolves wandering around. Matt canot really see the sky, because of the light’s reflections on the windows, but he sees himself, his bored and annoyed self, in a crisp white shirt, and navy-blue suite. He wants to take these clothes off, grab a can of beer and throw himself at one of these sofas just in his boxers and watch America’s Next Top Model.

He swallows two glasses of pink champagne and goes to the bar for ridiculously sweet screwdriver; sweet, but not schmaltzy. Matt’s definitely feeling buzzy by 10pm, when they start serving fish délicatesses. He hates fish.

And also public bathrooms. But moreover, public bathrooms with no music playing. And thank god, neither of those things he has to experience this night. The bathrooms are still kind of public, but fancy-public, with little bouquets of lavender by the sink and four clean towels, just like at Matt’s mom’s bathroom. And the soap is pink, with little pieces of chai roses.

There’s fucking Jason standing in front of the bathroom door when Matt opens it. His eyes go wide for a second.

“Don’t even pretend to be shocked, you knew we would meet, we always meet,” Matt says sardonically.

“Um, for the record, I was watching your tormented breakdown for twenty minutes, so yea, I knew we would meet. I’m shocked that you’re still alive and didn’t actually hang yourself in the bathroom.”

“My…my breakdown?”

“You looked really pathetic standing by the window a couple of minutes ago. Pathetic, noble and mentally destructed.”

“So you worry about me.”

Jason is frozen for literally half of a second. Then, he raises his eyebrows high, blinks so bitchily that Matt feels as if he’s just been bloody read, and huffs with the grace of Mean Girls.

“I was worried that if you die there will be no one left to buy me a drink, so yeah, I was, darling.”

“Wowowow, so I have to buy you a drink now? Interesting,” Matt chuckles and leans on the door frame.

“Everyone here knows me. No one’s going to let me drink,” the boy rolls his eyes and crosses his arms on his chest.

“How old are you? Fifteen?”

“I’m nineteen, asshole, just get me a drink, you don’t even have to buy it, all the booze’s on my mom,” Matt could swear, he has never ever known a creature meaner in his life.

“Don’t get drunk too fast, kid.”

He earns one more heartwarming eyeroll.

***

To Matt’s surprise, Jason takes him to the back staircase. They have a bottle of champagne and two glasses (Matt really shouldn’t have drunk one more screwdriver), and now the noises and talks and music is gone — just the two of them sitting on the stairs.

“I’m actually a bit confused that you didn’t stay there.”

Jason exhales the smoke with his pouty lips and turns his face to Matt.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I thought you’d talk to all these models and people and Santino…ah, fuck.”

“Dot get drunk too fast, huh?” the boy smirks.

“Shut up, I’m not drunk.”

“Well, I’m not a model. And not one of "all those people”.

“I thought you were.”

“I’m not. I’m a dancer.”

“A dancer?”

“A ballet dancer.”

“Dude.”

Jason laughs and takes a sip of champagne.

“Uh-huh.”

“Where did you go with your mother that day we met at the parking lot?”

“The premiere of Swan Lake.”

“You…you’re taking part in Swan Lake?”

The boy nods with a little smile, watching Matt, clearly amused.

“And who’s your character?”

“The evil magician.”

“The Rothbart one?”

It’s Jason’s turn to be surprised. His eyebrows fly high again, but not in a teasing way.

“I’m impressed, Matthew. You’re not just one of those who watched "The Balck Swan”, yeah?“

"I didn’t like it. I like the story of Odette more than Natalie Portman going crazy over some role.”

Jason’s laughter light up the whole empty space of twenty eight flights.

“Same, darling, same.”

“I think you’d do a great Rothbart.”

“I think it’s my nose.”

“Your nose?”

“Yea. It’s huge. And, like, aquiline a bit. Ugly, but Rothbart.”

“You think your nose is ugly?”

For the first time in the history of their meetings, Jason looks a bit unsure. He shrugs a little.

“I like your nose.”

“Matthew, honey, right now you’d like anything,” Jason licks his lips and lights up another cigarette.

“Okay, maybe you’re right,” Matt watches Jason exhale. “But tomorrow I’ll be sober and I’ll still like your nose,” he shrugs and takes the bottle.

There is silence after that. It makes Matt look at Jason again just to find the boy watching him, head pressed to the wall, smoky haze filling up the air slowly.

“Why do you work here?”

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t like these people. You don’t fit in. You’re different. There are people like you, you’re not the only one, but they have some reasons I at least can figure out. And yours…I think I might have an idea, but nevertheless. Why do you work here?”

“What’s the idea?”

“I asked first.”

“I’m drunk.”

“You said you were not.”

Matt glares at him and daringly swallows his whole glass of champagne in two seconds. He wrinkles his nose a bit and puts the glass on a stair.

“Well I am now.”

Jason slowly shakes his head and rolls his eyes with a smile.

“So what’s the idea?”

“You’re a coward.”

“Explain.”

“It’s the same thing with the Barcelona burger. Like, you tried it once and you liked it and it’s enough for you, you’re satisfied. You don’t try anything else, even if you’re like, tired of it, you’re scared that you won’t like any other burger. Well, yea, I mean, it’s possible, lots of things don’t work out and we have to search more, but you’re not even twenty five, you’ve just finished uni, you already have a year of practice here and it would be an honor for any other company to have you for an employee, like, you have so much potential and ideas and you’re so fucking smart, yet you’re stuck here, because, like, why? It pays well and everyone loves you and you don’t have to put much effort here. It really would be enough for someone who’s fourth years old. But you’re done here, this step is completed, go higher, you have to go higher. You’re meant to be higher.”

Silence, again. Matt wants do dissolve in these walls, cigarette smoke and Jason’s voice. He doesn’t want to think, he doesn’t want to move, his head is so hard, but it’s numb, it’s fucking empty at the same time.

“I feel so wasted right now.”

Great. And his voice sounds like fourteen years old girl’s after she found out Zayn had left the band.

“I’ll make sure you’re home safe if you let me stay at yours this night.

The boy’s…bizarre.

"I…I don’t understand this, but…sure, I guess?”

“You have no choice anyway.”

“We always have a choice.”

“I enjoy this fake-deep conversation in a very odd way, you know.”

“I bet we look so dramatic and artsy.”

Jason laughs quietly.

“I think so too.”

***

Matt is a lucky motherfucker not only because he never sweats, but because he’s also never hungover. So when he wakes up in the morning, feeling pretty much fine, he thanks god for the millionth time for this gift.

He feels the familiar warmth of Honey lying next to him and turns to be greeted with her wet black nose and rough pink tongue.

Although…wait. Matt frowns a little, feeling that her paws are wet as well. He quickly sits in his bed and takes them in his hands, because she easily could just break a plate or a glass and hurt herself…but her paws are fine, wet as if they’ve just been washed, and…and they smell like his shampoo.

Jason.

Matt briefly remembers hearing the door closing a while ago, twice, and that means…that means Jason walked with his dog.

It’s almost one pm.

He remembers waiting for the taxi and the feeling of Jason’s shoulder under his cheek in the backseat. He remembers Jason’s hands on his waist and his voice asking for permission to borrow a tee shirt and sheets. And he remembers the glass of water Jason made him drink before closing his eyes.

No one’s there in the sitting room when Matt enters it with Honey pressed to his chest. Two towels, pillows and sheets are carefully folded up on the couch, a cup, a plate and a spoon are in the sink. Honey licks his nose happily and makes him turn his face to her, a little frustrated.

He knows he has a lot of things to think of. He has always had them, this particular subject, but Matt is one of those people who needs people like Jason to tell him everything right in the face. He prefers to be blind until someone wipes the glass in front of him. And he couldn’t be more thankful for that.

The only thing that breaks Matt a little bit in this morning is that Jason has left no note. He shouldn’t have, for sure, he’s done more than Matt could even expect, no one has never walked his dog in the morning, but. Like.

That’s stupid.

And people do think stupid sometimes.

***

“So are you, uh, dating Jason?” Santino asks Matt on Monday morning, causing him to choke on his coffee.

“What.”

The man shrugs and keeps looking at the papers in his hand, clearly trying to show how little does he care. Of course.

“You two were hanging out on Friday night together, and then that time he came here to pick you up after work…”

“We’re not dating.”

“Oh. I see. He’s pretty hot, innit?” he smirks and winks filthily. What the fuck.

This whole dialogue left Matt tensed for hours after that. No, of course he’s not dating Jason, not even close, but the thing is, Matt suddenly finds himself clearly not in favour of Santino showing interest to that curly-haired menace. He remembers how annoyed and tensed Jason was that day Santino asked him out, and for sure he doesn’t know what is going on between them, but on Tuesday Matt finds himself in front of Isabelle’s office with the stupidest thought in his head: he has to tell Jason. And to make it work he’ll ask his mother for his phone number, yeah, thank you very much.

He hasn’t come up with a not-creepy explanation of why he needs his CEO’s son’s number yet and he has no idea what he’s going to say when Isabelle looks up at Matt like there’s clearly something wrong with him, but he has to do that.

People also do act stupid sometimes.

His whole plan is ruined when Isabelle’s secretary nicely informs Matt that she’s in Chicago. He doesn’t know what to do now. He doesn’t want Jason to be bothered by Santino, moreover, he doesn’t want Jason to be one of many guys Santino’s had.

God help Matt, bless his little trembling heart. Little trembling jealous heart.

***

Despite all the what-the-fuck-are-you-doings and this-is-the-most-embarrassing-shit-you’ve-ever-been-up-tos, Matt takes his seat in the second row, right in the middle of it. He doesn’t know if it’s god who helps him, or he’s really that kind of really bloody lucky motherfucker, or both, but he, for almost the first time in the history of Matthew Lent, didn’t leave everything for the last moment and bought the ticket a week ago, because when he opened the theater’s website yesterday to check up the address, all the seats were taken. They perform twice a month, have been doing Swan Lake for about five months now, and the show is still really demanded by the public.

Matt has no idea if he’ll be able to catch Jason after the ending. He has no idea if Santino has already got to him. He also can’t predict Jason’s reaction. But he’s doing something, it’s really a lot, because, despite his success at work, Matt is still the best at doing only one thing in his life — nothing.

He does nothing. He’s a coward. He’s lazy. He’s not interested most of the time.

And that’s different, for unknown reasons. Maybe because Jason is different. Maybe because of magnetic fields and stuff. A shit ton of explanations.

But there’s no room left for them when he sees the tall shape of Jason on the scene, dressed in dark blue tight costume, showing his slim elegant body that is totally, absolutely flawless. The music is loud and sublime, the lights turn soft and kind of silky, everything works for that boy there, getting Matt mesmerized, breathless. He forgets where he is, he forgets the main purpose of this night, he’s just there, in front of a work of art moving fast and slow at the same time, making everyone feel like the whole world stopped for a while to admire this one creature.

He’s superlunary.

***

It’s cold as fuck outsides. Matt has no idea what he was thinking about, but he’s too exhausted to go home. He wanted to buy flowers in the nearest flower shop, but it was really late and all he got was a little pot of violets. And now there’s a chance that they fucking die before Jason shows up. If he ever shows up, actually, because maybe there is an other door for dancers and staff.

Fifteen minutes to eleven. Ten. Seven. Four. It’s eleven pm. The only thing keeping him waiting is Odette and some other dancers, Matt saw them walking out of the building. He feels stupid. He knows he’ll feel even more stupid anyways: either he’ll meet Jason or he won’t.

His hands are burning and so are his cheeks. The coat keeps his body warm, yeah, but not his toes that he’ll probably have to amputate — Matt stopped feeling them ten minutes ago.

He feels vibration in his pocket. For a half of a second he thinks, maybe it’s Jason, but Jason doesn’t have his phone number. And why would he call him now, Jesus Christ.

It’s Matt’s mom. He taps on the green circle, and a very familiar warmth starts creeping up from his chest after his mom’s “Hello, sugar!”.

“Hi, mom. Sup?”

“Nothing particular, just checking out,” the woman talks with a smile in her voice. “What are you up to? You’re outsides?”

“Yeah, waiting for a friend,” Matt says, looking up at the doors.

“Someone special?” she asks teasingly.

“No, just a friend.”

Liar.

“Don’t worry, sugar, you’ll find so—”

“Mom.”

“Alright-alright, big boy. By the way, are you planning to come home for Christmas? We’ve all missed you loads.”

“Yeah, for sure I’ll come, no way I’m missing you’re pudding and—”

“What was that, honey?”

“No, nothing, it’s just, my friend is here.”

He’s really here, enters the street and makes Matt’s heart pound so hard he feels it on the tips of his fingers.

And he’s with someone else. Some guy telling him something and making the boy smile. Boom.

There was no way people like Jason are single.

“Oh alright then, I’ll call you—”

“No, I denoted,” Matt quickly turns his back to the theater and looks at the violet in his hand. “Keep talking,” because you’re the only reason I’ll be fine tonight.

“Matty, what’s happening?”

“Where?” playing dumb is also on the list of things Matt does the best.

“Matt.”

“What?”

“What is going on?”

“Mom, I was wrong, it wasn’t my friend, it’s crowded here, I’m not wearing contacts, what do you want from me?”

“Why are you not wearing your glasses?”

“I forgot them at home.”

“Don’t tell me you were driving without you contacts.”

“I was not driving, I took the train. My friend lives far and I was tired.”

“Where are you two going all tired and at eleven in the evening?”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“There’s kind of a performance downtown, you know? Like Marina Abramovic kind of stuff, it starts in an hour.”

“Wow, sounds great! Will you manage wake up tomorrow?”

Matt chuckles a bit.

“Yeah, I have a meeting at eleven am, it’s fine.”

“Okay, sugar, take care! Waiting you for Christmas. And don’t forget Honey!”

“I won’t mom, see you later. Bye.”

“You did it so good I almost believed you.”

Matt is one hundred percent sure his heart just missed a beat. He feels a hand on his arm, making him turn slowly. Every lie he just keeps coming up with in his head sounds ridiculous. What he told his mom was also ridiculous, starting from the part where he’s not wearing contacts (he’s basically blind without them or glasses), but she ate it up, she always does. And Jason, who’s not smiling or smirking, just staring at Matt with his big shiny eyes, he’s not his mom. He radiates warmth, his cheeks are blossoming from the cold, curls framing his pale face with same unreadable expressions on it.

“Hey,” he says quietly, not even blinking.

“Hi.”

“You’re cold.”

“You were busy.”

“Saying goodbye to my best friend after the show.”

Matt feels his ears burning. Not from the icy air around.

“I’m speechless.”

“Me too.”

“Why?”

“You’re first.”

Jason smiles. Smiles. Not smirks. Or rolls his eyes.

“You’re the last person I expected to see here. Ever.”

“I had to talk to you. I tried to ask you mom for your phone number, but she was in Chicago.”

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Santino was hitting on you and I thought I had to warn you.”

“Warn me?”

Matt hates himself so much right now. He knows his face is pomegranate-coloured, from the elbow to his neck.

“He’s an asshole.”

“I had a crush on him for two years.”

Boom.

“And then I realized I was too good for him.”

That’s something Matt has never thought he’d hear from a nineteen years old guy.

“Everyone wants Santino.”

“I’m not everyone.”

“I know.”

“I’ve never been given flowers after the show, you know.”

Matt looks at the little ugly pot of violets in his hand.

“I wanted to buy a bouquet of something white, but they ran out of flowers in the evening. And I got this.”

“Something white.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s awkward.”

“Thank you very much, very nice of you, you know.”

Jason carefully takes the pot from Matt’s hand.

“Oh my god, your hand is fucking red.”

“That sucks,” Matt shrugs and almost puts his hand in his pocket, but Jason’s warm fingers stop him.

He doesn’t feel the electricity or fire or butterflies. He feels warmth, like liquid, like butter or honey crawling down his spine. And of course it’s Jason who leans in and captures his lips between his own, because Matt is a coward and he’s ridiculous and stupid and, and, and. But he feels the heat of Jason’s mouth, his fingers holding the fingers of Matt’s, his breath that smells like cigarette smoke. And oh god. He finally realizes that he’s falling so fucking hard.

***

He’s quit the job after finding a much better place — some controversial website with 70s theme and 90s Kate Moss for an idol. They also print 6900 copies of their shit once in six months and sell it for fifty bucks per exemplar. Everyone eats it up because it’s fucking sick. He also has bought about thirteen or fourteen everyday tee shirts. Finally placed all his X-men comics in the right order. Stopped using contacts. He drinks more milkshakes than beer. Smokes more. Meets new people and explores new places. Has watched a shit ton of movies he had to watch, the whole list of them in his notes is full of ✖️emojis. Oh. And he tried all the burgers and all the soups, salads and desserts in Mile’s.

Because of fucking Jason.

The boy who spends most of his mom’s money on cigarettes.

Matt knows his haircare routine — nothing but organic shampoo. No conditioners, masks, no balsams. Just shampoo. And love. He knows that he listens to Beethoven and girlsbands. And that it’s impossible to hear him walking at home — he’s noiseless. Literally. He knows what it feels like to have Jason inside him. Both physically and mentally. He knows that Jason doesn’t have a lot of friends and Odette and Odile and the others don’t like him, they really don’t like him. Matt knows that Jason doesn’t care, like, he really doesn’t, because he’s younger than all of them and still a better dancer. They have that pot of violets in Matt’s kitchen, because Jason spends more time at his than at his mom’s now. They bloom a lot. They are pretty. Jason likes violets. So does Matt now. He would never had guessed that he’d love violets the most.

Because of fucking Jason.