Hello, my loves 💕.
To be frank, life has been kicking my ass. Sorry, I’ve been MIA. Your girl is just tired and I haven’t had the urge to write anything lately. This has been an…eventful year. Hell, to be honest, it's been an eventful couple of years. Grateful and thankful to be here. Never get that twisted. Life has been smacking me upside the head for quite some time though. All I’ve wanted to do lately is curl up and read.
I’ve also started a bookstagram and booktok, so that’s been getting a lot of my attention as well. I wish I could put into words how I'm feeling mentally and physically but I'm too tired😆😩.
As soon as this lupus flare eases up. Once I don’t have so much brain fog. Maybe I’ll have a desire to write, but until then I hope you all continue to read and engage with the stories available on my masterlist💜.
Honestly, let me be transparent for a moment. I think I can speak for several Tumblr writers. I look at the notes on some of these amazing fics that I’ve read and I'm like, “What the hell? Where are the reblogs and comments?” I’ll say it over and over. The love button is cool, but it’s the bare minimum for that writer. The notes are not matching the constant requests in their asks. That's just the truth🤷🏾♀️. The engagement is just not the same. When we bring it up. Were told to get over it. Mind you this ish is free and we've invested our time creating something that brings joy and entertainment. Engagement shouldn't be so hard to come by. If the facts make you feel a way, ask yourself why that is.
Anywho let me get off that soapbox. I just wanted to drop in and give you all a life update and explain my absence. I hope all my beautiful lovelies are doing okay. To those who aren’t, please know it’s okay to not be okay. You’ll get through it. Just keep the faith. Love you my babies🥹💖.
Tagging a few lovelies so that they get the lovin’ I came to drop off😆💖:
@astoldbychae @darqchilddaydreamz @ravennaortiz @rio-reid-whoreee @percosim @lovedlover @jannavaire @sunshine-flower @phoenixhalliwell @kyletogaz @nobodygetsza @1andonlytashae @novaniskye @thebumbqueen @captainwithoutmakingitlove @kinkiicoils @wroteitbutneverwatchedit @bisexuallyattractivebitch @minton131 @thirtysomethinganduncensored @starrynite7114 @fineanddandy @withmyteeth @prettyyybrownroundd
*if I forgot to tag you sorry in advance. Mama has a lot of babies😆🥰.*
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Thats why you eat your crusts
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Feel like I’m in a downward spiral right now. Trying to get outta this mood, but my head won’t let me…. Fuuuuuuccck.
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I find it so weird that I don’t have depression like I used to anymore.
Like sure, I still have it, but nowhere near like I did before.
Just been wishing for my pain to end, but clarified to myself that I don’t want my life to end, just the pain.
I now have a boyfriend I love and who loves me. I have a future with him. I have so much to look forward to with him, so of course I don’t want to end my life.
But I sure as hell want this fucking pain to stop so I can get some rest and recoup tomorrow.
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✨🎉I wanna cry, but I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't know what to tell anyone when they ask me, "what's wrong?"🎉✨
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There's a weirdly poignant sort of... metaphysical tragedy in the fact that pain, which evolved as a helpful signal to alert us when bad things might be happening to us, grew into becoming... well, basically the Bad Thing. To the point where by universal consensus the very worst thing you can do to a being like us is torture them (i.e. trigger the warning signal as strongly as possible while perhaps deliberately avoiding causing "actual" harm). And there are tons of illnesses and injuries and disabilities that massively impact people's quality of life, ranging from annoying to depressing to driving people to suicide, basically purely because they're very physically painful, while the underlying bodily dysfunction that the pain is supposedly "warning" of is either relatively minor or literally non-existent.
The capacity to feel pain is a good and important thing, some people lack it and that's generally awful for them, only in a universe unrecognizably different from ours could we ever do without it. But isn't it awful to think how if only there was somebody up there to adjust the settings for us, they'd probably only have to tweak them the tiniest bit to keep 99.99% of the benefits while saving us from all the most extreme miseries forever?
The mechanism didn't have to be perfect for natural selection's purposes, it had to be good enough that the average individual in the average situation would be motivated to stay more or less out of trouble. Measured by the metrics nature was working towards, she could afford to be a little slapdash with the exact implementation, and she was. In doing so she opened the door to infinities of evil and suffering that wouldn't otherwise be conceivable. All this only had one chance to happen, and it happened that way. There's nobody to be mad at--I'm mad about it, though.
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Kai being the first human Wyldfyre got really attached to and them being a silly little duo and then her losing him after it's revealed that she's lost a lot of loved ones in the past was DEVASTATING AS HELL wtf 😭😭😭
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I confessed my feelings for someone yesterday, and it went exactly how I expected. I was turned down, and that hurts, a lot, but it's important not to let it hurt you so much that you shut down. Keep living life and stay true to yourself, eventually someone will come that sees you for the amazing soul you are
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@strawbrygashez's post about andre going crazy to time is running out by muse got me thinking and I finally got slapped with an even worse afterthought.
I remembered another muse song, which perfectly encapsulates what I think might have been going through Andre's mind seconds before he pulled the trigger on himself.
the song is "thoughts of a dying atheist"
and I know you're in this room, I thought I heard you sigh
floating in between where our worlds collide. (...)
it scares the hell out of me
and the end is all I can see (...)
and I know the moment's near
and there's nothing you can do
look through a faithless eye
are you afraid to die?
he IS afraid to die. it DOES scare the hell out of him. the end IS all he can see. and cal's words ARE floating between them as andre's initial escape plan collides head-on with cal's relentless wish to die.
andre didn't intend to die that day. he wasn't prepared. but he accepted the situation for what it was. he had to. he acknowledged that his plan to get out was a fool's game and so, his entire perspective turned upside down in a split second. the moment was near. there was nothing he could do.
maybe at the very end, when he felt the gun under his own chin, everything around them did go silent. he knew cal was still there, he heard his voice as he counted down the last seconds of their life, but it felt so distant. drowned out.
maybe the sigh he thought he heard was in fact the shot that ended it all.
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