#*slams first on table* I COULDVE TREATED HER RIGHT

[esmes]

mrs lovett (/sweenett) + tweets

[scaredlonelymoon-blog]

5.

Man, today was both fucked up and amazing at the same time. Let me explain.

So this morning I had an appointment at the dermatologist at 7:30am in the fucking morning. Yesterday was a good day for me, I was able to get some good sleep and was able to function more so like a normal human being for most of the day. I think it was mainly because I had only fruit the day beforehand. Anyway, this morning a few hours before the appointment I had woken up in the worst way possible. My vaseline which is used for moisturizing my skin went flying off my bed to the opposite end of the room, I woke up itchy as fuck, and was just fucking pissed off knowing I was on the right track of normal sleep and it just went to fuck all. After talking to myself and questioning why life chose me as its torturing puppet, I decided to go back to sleep. My armpits wouldnt stop sweating but it wasn’t much to stop me from sleeping. I slept for about a few minutes, only to wake up to the common raging burning sensation on my whole upper body. Now I’m really fucking angry and mentally drained. This whole kept me up till my appointment came, and I was just out of my fucking mind by the time my dad came home, leaving work early just to go with me to the dermatologist. It was really hard on me to get ready and get out in the cold, pitch black morning, while being in excruciating pain. The appointment was... interesting. I honestly never wanted to go in the first place, I only did it to shut my mom up when she was trying to force my dad to bring me to the hospital while having a breakdown. The doctor was nice, and caring in his own way... but prescribed me a steroid immunosuppresant just like every single doctor before him. When I realized what he had prescribed me, I was just so disappointed and even more angry that I didn’t know what to do anymore. I told my dad I wanted jugo juice, and so went to the place 20 mins before they had even opened... got my jugo juice with a salad roll with sweet chili sauce and was on our way back home. On our way back home, we found out that the rexall near our house got torn down which was sort of a surprise, but knowing the business there... it was kinda expected. My dad dropped me off home because I needed to use the toilet. He went off to shoppers drug mart to buy me the medicine the doctor had prescribed. When I got home, I did my business in the toilet and actually pooped out a ton of blood... now THIS got me fucking mentally crazy because nothing just ever fucking stopped giving me shit and the morning hadn't even passed yet. I ran to my room as my mom annoyed me about things I really didn’t care about at the moment (humidifier problems)... and just wanted to fucking sleep the rest of the day until later on in the day when we were supposed to eat and go out as a family (which I was very excited for). As I lay there on my bed, my dad finally gets home after about 30 mins and comes to my room. He tries to force the steroid onto me and starts getting real upset as I reject him constantly, I kept telling him I was sorry because I was scared of the medication. I know the side effects and what it can do to my body if things went south... the medication most likely isnt even used to treat my actual symptoms (fluid retention or lymphedema) and could actually make it worst. As my dad kept getting more upset, I started feeling even more terrible because my dad has been putting up with my shit that whole morning and the whole week basically just taking care of me and going out of his way for me. Just that morning he got off work early just to go with me to the derma, bought me breakfast, getting my meds, and taking care of me at home... It was at this point that I snapped, for real. I went on a raging rampage and starting yelling at slamming my pillow, eventually punching another god damn hole in my room. My mom then came in crying and it was just a whole fucking mess. Mom kept pressuring me to take the medicine or else she’d quit her job just to take care of me... and my dad just sat there comforting me as I kept crying my fucking ass off. Anyway, time pass, I was able to get SOME sleep, its about the evening now. It’s time to eat with the family and get some food. Before hand I had some pineapple, love me some pineapples and went out with my dad to go buy food at millwoods. First trip, tokyo express.. sadly I cant eat anything from there or any asian place generally because all those resturants use is soy sauce (yeast allergy). After, we went to prime time donair where I got a chicken donair rice platter with small fries and garlic sauce on the side. I wanted the beef kebab but sadly they didnt have it -_-. Got home, and ate with the family, it was fucking nice. Seeing and being with my family at a round table for 4, just talking and having a good chat.. its what I wanted.My meal was decent enough, not enough sauce... the same goes for the rest of my families rice bowls XD. Then after I had another bowl movement, no blood thankfully! And we were on our way to the cinema to watch Bad Moms Christmas! It was decent, had some real funny parts but overall it was a half decent movie. What mattered more to me was just being there with my whole family and experiencing it all together. The popcorn was bland though, no matter how much butter I put on it... To be honest I wish I couldve enjoyed the moment more, I was pretty occupied with my slight indigestion with the popcorn not going down my esophagus...but other than that yeah.. it was fun. When we got home, it was kind of sad... it basically spelt the end of a whole family experience... and of course the coming of inevitable painful episode awaiting me. But the last thing I needed to do was to thank my dad for everything... and I did. Before he was set off to go to work to his 2nd job (jesus christ this guy never has a break)... I walked up to him , arms wide open and gave him a hug.. thanking him for everything he had done today. Nothing was possible without him and I love him so much for it. Anyway, that was my day more or less and I dont know how much left I have in me to keep going. I’m still suicidal but I love my parents so much... I dont know... we’ll see.