#*regarding his suicide threats and behavior during and post breakup that is

[anarcho-smarmyism]

genuinely my ex is all over reddit right now accusing me of doxing and suicide baiting him while I told him repeatedly someone had hacked my Google account and Tumblr and he refused to even consider he could be wrong about that, no matter what I said, just like he refused to believe that I would ever leave him for refusing to make ANY friends outside of me that he could talk to duing his constant nervous breakdowns, usually cumulating in threats of self-harm and suicide. he attempted suicide in front of me MULTIPLE TIMES and told me over and over that if I left him he would die because his wealthy, "respectable" abusive Mormon family wouldn't take him in (they did, immediately, as soon as he actually asked. Go figure). He hated everyone I introduced him to, insisted people were "glaring at him and yelling at him" whenever we went out even to the GYM, and would incessantly bother me every time I went out alone. he would accuse me of "yelling" anytime I sounded angry, even if I was speaking at regular volume. every time I said I wanted to leave him, especially if I was crying, he would give me this condescending look and remind me that I would lose my job and my housing if he stopped letting me borrow his car -the car his older, better sister gave him, BTW, because he has never (and probably WILL never) earn a single thing for himself in his entire life. when i did leave him, he was NONSTOP trying to use financial incentives and/or threats of calling the police to falsely accuse me of stealing that damn car to get me to somehow interact with him -even though I told him over and over that we shouldn't be talking at the moment because I was too stressed and angry to be civil. He didn't care; he wanted to manipulate me into staying and being his free nurse maid for the rest of my life however he could.

the last straw after roughly 5 straight years of this was when he refused to stop texting and calling me about where his fucking Playstation remote controller was, even though I told him getting notifications while I drive is dangerously distracting for me (I have severe untreated ADHD; if you're poor in the areas I live doctors straight up do not give a fuck), even though he knew I was working as a home healthcare aide and needed to focus on the needs of my physically disabled patient while I was at work he would NOT stop bothering me no matter what I said or did. Then when I finally managed to get my most important stuff out of that house and he wouldn't stop calling and texting threatening self harm again, and I called the local police telling them he needed to be committed to the psych ward again, the cops beat him up and left him there....which he CONTINUES to blame on me, as if I control the fucking police. The last couple times I talked to him he admitted he's been hearing voices for weeks but the local hospitals won't take him because he won't tell them he's suicidal. So which is it?

For years, he was literally only not accusing me of neglecting or abusing him when I was either working or at home, paying attention to him or whatever he wanted to watch on TV. He wouldn't even put noise canceling earphones on so that I could play video games while he slept (im loud when im having fun; he was raised with upper middle class Mormon suburban social mores, I wasn't). He didn't care what I needed or wanted in my life or from our relationship whatsoever; no matter what I did to improve my mental health or try to go back to school or encourage him to also take better care of himself, he always found a way to sabotage me so i ended up wasting my life sitting next to him on the couch, so he would never have to cope with a single evening of social anxiety by going anywhere at all with me or anybody else! I made the mistake of trying to help him with his mental health when no one else would, and he decided that meant taking care of him was now my life's work.

He ruined so many jobs and friendships for me this way, my family who took us both in cut me off for not leaving a man who would literally throw himself to the ground like a toddler if he was """having a panic attack""", and when I left him what does he do? Make multiple phone numbers to harass me while I was trying to stay away from him and secure housing for me and our cats (2 of which HE insisted on getting, all of which he wanted to abandon in a shelter instead of even just asking his stepdad if he could take HIS cat home with him!), multiple tumblr accounts to cyberstalk me, and go on Reddit to recruit these sexist, gullible mouth-breathers to try and ruin my life for something I didn't do but he actually did. I have proof of him ADMITTING to this, to going off his medications and not sleeping for over 7 days ("handling the breakup badly" in his words); I have proof of everything on the same device I finally blocked him on. whoever has my Google account used it to send my new email a threat that they would follow me to the ends of all worlds to make sure I'm known as a monster at the behest of this actual fucking admitted insane person who actually abused me, financially and emotionally, for years because he assumed he could trap me and I couldn't do anything about it. it got so bad he was trying to control my MEALS and insisting i was insane for not eating the way he wanted me to. Even now I'm struggling to get someone to let me borrow an actual working computer so I can secure ANY of my own stuff, and I'm being slandered as some kind of abusive criminal matermind by a bunch of idiots who armchair diagnosed me as a narcissist borderline psychopath ETC because redditors are easy to goad into an online mob against any Bad Woman, especially someone's ex. if you tell them someone's a crazy bitch, they just take you at your word.

so yeah. For the time being that's my side of the story, as loath as I am to dignify this and have an embarrassing messy public flame war with my ex, it's clear I can't just ignore it because him and his "hacker buddies" are actually guilty of what they're accusing me of.

[sunsinourhands]

Let's talk about Felix Warren

I feel the need to preface this by saying I take no joy in Online Drama. But, I feel I've been silent about this for too long and nobody gains anything from my silence. For the record, I only hold a bachelor's degree in Psychology, so please don't consider me to be an end-all-be-all authority on the subject. I consider myself to have a barely above-average understanding--but enough to make a commentary when mental illness and accusations of abuse are being thrown around. I am not an 'influencer' or 'internet famous' and much of the interaction I have with my mutuals on this blog are common shitposts about cats or memes. I have no intentions of becoming an influencer, and thus nothing to gain by posting a wall of text instead of my regularly scheduled bird memes. I have not known either Rune or Felix long enough to say I am intimately familiar with either. But, the resulting breakup between them is one of the major reasons why I am better acquainted with Rune over Felix. My history with both boils down to I found their posts to be helpful in my own witchcraft and joined (for a time) both of their patreons. I left Felix's patreon after coming to the conclusion that I did not have spare time at that point to dedicate to his classes--unrelated to anything else going on at that time. I wasn't 'seduced' away from it. I am also the person Felix alluded to when he said a cis woman claimed girl autistics are 'better' than boy ones--which I'm not really sure what that means. As I do not have permission from every single person in that chat, I will currently not post the entire conversation. What I said was that male-presenting autistic individuals are often more diagnosed than their female-presenting counterparts--due to behavioral issues. I DID say that male-presenting autistics are often more aggressive. (And this is in the literature. You can look it up on Google Scholar. But, by that point, we were not talking about Felix. That was more me ranting about how female-presenting individuals are not diagnosed. I was not diagnosed until my late 20s--which I did mention in the conversation. )But I would hardly claim that meant one was 'better' than the other. This entire conversation began relevant to Felix, mostly regarding a question of if his behavior (aggression, obsession over his ex's, manufacture of villains for his internal narrative) was caused by autism, c-PTSD, or Major Depressive Disorder. I stated that I did not think so, on the basis of also suffering from depression, c-PTSD, and being on the autism spectrum myself. I never spoke to Felix alone, so I cannot speak to him being paranoid. I was never that close to him, and think I was only ever on a group chat with him a few times. So I cannot give a diagnosis and am not qualified to give a diagnosis. I also cannot speak to that sort of behavior or thought pattern. I can speak to Felix's aggression and obsessive tendencies. I have heard multiple stories of Felix obsessing over ex's-- ex-friends, ex-lovers--a number of people who seem to have gone from being the apple of his eye to absolute garbage in the time it takes to snap your fingers. I have also seen him write public posts about his various villains and how abusive they were--but it seems curious to me that someone who was so wrongfully abused would poke at the proverbial hornet's nest repeatedly. This is not something that people looking to escape a bad situation do. Rune's posting was on a private discord server. This also began because a number of individuals have sent him hate-mail and referenced Felix's blog. So this was a venting of current issues on a private server, hoping to find a solution and voice frustration. I will note that up until this moment, Rune asked his friends and acquaintances not to bother Felix. Rune wanted to be left alone--which is far more consistent with someone who has been in a bad relationship. Re: the term 'Psychotic.' People do not have to have a diagnosis of a Psychotic Disorder to exhibit psychotic behavior. There is a reason there is diagnostic criteria for

these disorders. People can also have one-time Psychotic Episodes--which are often brought on by severe stress. I don't feel like re-typing everything about Psychosis here, but there are articles that are easy to find. Some delusion types are referenced here. Feelings of persecution (such as by an ex(or exes) who actually tells people not to bother you, and specifically wants just to be left alone by aggressive followers) and beliefs that someone is an abusive situation when they are not (I have been on calls with Rune when he was alone in a room with internet (via discord) multiple times, and have never seen any indication of abuse or some kind of subtle code between him and his husbands,) (hypnosis, mind control, magical unicorn reiki, vampirism, which I have never heard about) both cleanly fall within the stated categories. Acting upon these delusions (from what I can tell, they are delusions) does fall into the category of Psychotic Behavior. I would also consider him calling the cops on someone to be an act of aggression--given that both of us would know that Rune doesn't care for cops. Felix would have known that fact better than me. I distanced myself from Felix at that point, mostly because I have past trauma with people calling the cops on me for suicidal ideation and using the police as a threat to get me 'locked up' when I didn't behave in a way they wanted me to. Also, I wouldn't have wanted to speak to the person who called the cops on me in that moment, either, so maybe I'm the crazy one but that doesn't seem like a sign of abuse to me. For the record, I have heard Rune complain about being hungry--but only if someone was on the way home with takeout and was taking a long time or during a period of time when he was eating mostly salads for a diet. But that was a diet CHOICE, not a sign of abuse. I have never seen any narcissistic behavior from Rune, in fact he seems self-effacing at times and seems very aware that he can and has made mistakes in the past and probably will continue to do so. He seems quite aware of himself as a flawed, human individual. I have also had experience dealing with people with NPD.

I cannot speak about any of Felix's past relationships because I was not in contact with him during that time. But, I can speak to him behaving in an obsessive way about Rune and the impact his aggressive followers have had on Rune's life. I have also seen him cherry-pick information and specifically leave out details in order to make his stories more dramatic. Thus, I can only really speak to the fact that he seems to need a villain in his life--someone for him to obsess over and smear through the mud in a public fashion--and this seems to be a repeated pattern of behavior. If he doesn't have one, he will manufacture one in order to continue playing the victim. His thoughts seem to be a bit wild and disorganized, especially in his accusations towards Rune regarding hypnosis and mind control. Especially something so absolute and complex as stated in Felix's posts. I have only seen behavior like this a few times before in person. And I understand why both Rune and @hellboundwitch both just want Felix to leave them alone. I encourage anyone involved to speak up and speak the truth.

[brawlingdiscontent]

On eating Will’s brain

Spoilers for all of Hannibal, tl;dr at the end, if you don’t feel like reading 2500 words.

This very long meta post will attempt to answer the common question: why did Hannibal try to eat Will’s brain in Dolce (3.6)?

Introduction

There’s a beautiful ambiguity to Fuller’s characters in Hannibal. Character is primarily revealed not by direct statement of thoughts and feelings (as characters’ statements are often ambiguous and about what appear to be peripheral issues), but by juxtaposition. This includes juxtaposition of a character’s actions over time, thematic mirrors of their situations in the case-of-the-week, and the many mirrored/foiled relationships that pop up, whereby the characters are defined against each other. (For example, Will/Tobias, Will/Peter, Will/Pazzi, Will/Gideon, Will/Chiyoh, etc.--Fuller uses these pairings to tell us something about Will in the ways that he is or is not like them, according to his own perceptions, those of others, and that of the audience). The show uses this ambiguity of character to raise questions about key themes, such as human capacity or potential for evil. 

While this is a riveting artistic strategy, it makes the characters’ interactions and intentions increasingly unclear, especially when even the more straightforward characters like Alana drift toward ambiguity by season 3. This is why I think there's so much confusion about what will heretofore be known as the head-sawing incident, and also why I also consider this post to be a reading of the situation, and not necessarily the authoritative one.

1. Duality

One of my favourite things about Hannibal is its duality, the show’s ability to hold onto ambiguity, even with two seemingly contradictory ideas. The acts of the darkest horror can co-exist with the deepest love. When Will clutches Hannibal close and pulls them off a cliff, it’s the acknowledgement that Hannibal’s always wanted of their perfect sympathy (Will decides that he has to go too because of his similarity to Hannibal) at the same time as a murder/suicide. When Hannibal gives himself up to the police it’s an act of shocking romanticism (he is literally sacrificing his freedom for Will) at the same time as it is clear threat, Hannibal saying to Will ‘you’ll never be rid of me’. It’s in the line of this duality that I read Hannibal’s attempt to eat Will’s brain.

In my ongoing analysis I’ll be using text, context and subtext to determine Hannibal’s feelings and motives. 

So, for context: What preceded Hanni’s bad decision? 

2. Mizumono (2.13) - The gutting incident

Hannibal and Will’s ‘breakup’ at the end of season 2 is what may mostly strongly come to mind as the inciting moment for the head-sawing incident; however, Will’s betrayal, the cause of the breakup, is not what caused Hannibal to wield the bone saw.

Think about it: if Hannibal wanted to kill Will only because of his betrayal, he likely would have just dug his knife a little deeper in Mizumono. Instead, Hannibal states he forgives Will via killing Abigail--“I forgive you Will, will you forgive me?” (2.13) (thereby setting up a pattern whereby death creates forgiveness). No, as Chilton reveals, “Will Graham is alive because Hannibal Lecter likes him that way” (3.4). (I should note that Hannibal preserving Will’s life at the end of season 2 is an act that again, in the show’s dualism, speaks of his regard for Will as much as it does his wish to make Will suffer for his betrayal by having to live with the pain of Abigail's death.)

So if Hannibal isn’t trying to kill Will over his betrayal at the end of season 2, what is the reason? It must be a result of something that happened after that, in season 3. 

3. Antipasto (3.1) - A clean break?

My reading here depends upon the understanding that Hannibal’s actions in Mizumono were intended to be the end of that chapter of his life. He cuts ties with his old life in the most Hannibal fashion: by leaving four people bleeding on the ground. When he walks out into the rain, he is figuratively washing himself of that life, and all of his old connections. Or so he thinks. 

Florence was supposed to be a clean break for Hannibal (although one could argue that his bringing Bedelia stems from an unconscious desire to hold onto it), but what happens when he gets to Florence? Rather than continuing happily in his murderous ways, he actually tries to establish a peace: “I've found a peace here that I would preserve. I've killed hardly anybody during our residence” (3.1). His desire for this peace is so strong, that he seeks to preserve it even when it means letting Sogliato get away being a dick to him, something that an earlier Hannibal would never have let stand (“My killing Sogliato now would not preserve the peace” (3.1)).

It isn’t until the episode’s end, months after his arrival in Florence, that he breaks this holding pattern with Anthony Dimmond (arguably killing Dimmond for not being Will, but that’s another post), and thus it is fitting, since Dimmond helped him to ‘untwist’, that he uses Dimmond’s twisted body to reveal the cause of his uncharacteristic behaviour, both to us and to himself: Will has broken his heart. 

I think this is the first time Hannibal begins to understand what Will says to him in Mizumono, that he “already did” change Hannibal the way that Hannibal changed him. Rather than rolling off of Hannibal’s back like he intended, Will’s betrayal has touched him, changed him, radically altered his behavior--because Hannibal loves him.

4. Secondo (3.3) - Therapy with Bedelia or He made you feel feelings? What a bitch.

Secondo is a key episode for understanding this conundrum because it's this season's ‘Hannibal goes to therapy’ episode. It starts and ends with a ‘therapy session’ between Bedelia and Hannibal, closing with Hannibal's realization: “I have to eat him.” These two scenes that bookend the episode are the most important to my understanding of Hannibal’s motivations re: the head-sawing incident.

At the very beginning of Secondo we see Hannibal returning to Florence after leaving his bloody valentine in Palermo. Bedelia meets him at the train station and asks him if it was good to see Will, and Hannibal replies “among other things.” This sets up the therapy session that follows which is about unpacking those ‘other things.’ 

So how does Hannibal work out his feelings for Will? Remember how I said Fuller’s characters are defined by juxtaposition? The realization that Hannibal might perhaps love Will prompts him to think of the only other person he has loved: his sister, Mischa.

In their second session, Bedelia introduces this parallel into their discussion:

BEDELIA: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict.

HANNIBAL: Or negotiate.

BEDELIA: I would suggest that what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. (then) A force of mind and circumstance.

HANNIBAL Love.

I would argue that until this time, the early episodes of season 3, Hannibal never considered the possibility that he loved Will. Of course he knew he was intrigued by Will (or as Bedelia put it ‘obsessed with Will’), he knew that he cared about Will, but love is something that has not come up before--in regards to Will or anyone else (when discussing Abigail, it’s that Hannibal ‘cared about her’ as much as Will did; the one indirect mention of love between Will and Hannibal before this was in Will’s dream/fantasy in 2.9). Thus the introduction of love -- the idea the he loves Will -- is the huge pivot on which 3.3 turns for Hannibal. 

So how does Hannibal make the leap from love to murder? From something else that Will and Mischa have in common: their potential to incite betrayal. When Bedelia brings up the subject of betrayal (presumably in the context of Will), Hannibal, running with the already established Will-Mischa parallel responds:

Mischa didn’t betray me. She would influence me to betray myself.

This, I think, is the most important line defining the head-sawing incident. The specifics of what happened with Mischa are never quite made clear--but what does he mean by ‘she would influence me to betray myself’? From the context provided, the implication that I take from this is that whether this influence was conscious (perhaps Mischa actively dissuading Hanni from nefarious plots while she was alive) or unconscious (that just by dying she had the power to hurt him), Mischa’s influence itself was a direct result of Hannibal’s love for her--she was able to influence him because--and only because--he loved her.

To see where Will comes into this, here’s the full close to the episode:

HANNIBAL: Mischa didn’t betray me. She would influence me to betray myself. (then) But I forgave her that influence. 

BEDELIA: If past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, there is only one way for you to forgive Will Graham.

HANNIBAL: I have to eat him.

What exactly would Hannibal be forgiving Will for, here? As discussed, he’s already forgiven him for his betrayal in Mizumono with Abigail's death (remember the whole, “I forgive you, Will, will you forgive me? (2.13) and murder = forgiveness pattern). Furthermore, earlier in the episode Hannibal admits that he’s “vague on those details” when Bedelia asks him whether he’s the betrayer or betrayed between him and Will. My argument is that the Will-Mischa parallel that this scene establishes re: love, also applies in this situation re: betrayal; Will again mirrors Mischa. Thus it isn’t Will’s betrayal that Hannibal needs to forgive, it’s Will’s influence, which causes Hannibal to betray himself (hence Hannibal’s earlier confusion on who betrayed whom). And what is the mechanism of this influence and self-betrayal? Hannibal’s love for Will.  So really what Hannibal has to forgive Will for is making him love him, and the only way to do that is to kill him (remember, murder = forgiveness).

But why is the idea that he might love Will such a big deal for Hannibal? And what exactly is this self-betrayal that he has to forgive Will for causing?

5.  Control, authenticity and the self 

Hannibal loves control. This includes control over others/situations (he blows on Will’s soup in Dolce because he has to control every element of the situation and Will burning his mouth on his hot soup doesn’t suit his plan, it would be ‘sloppy’; another example is the care he took with bandaging Abel Gideon) and also perfect control of himself.  His ‘re-natured nature’ as Bryan Fuller puts, how he shapes himself through sheer force of will, is perhaps his most defining feature. Hannibal’s love for Will marks a loss of control, for as Hannibal admits: “we cannot choose with respect to who we fall in love” (3.3). 

But further than that, Hannibal’s love for Will is a threat to his sense of self.

Arguably, Hannibal’s desire for personal authenticity and self-actualization is his greatest drive. He expresses and achieves this drive through art in all its forms, including fashion, the culinary arts, and of course, murder-art. He is never evil for its own sake, but rather his evilness is an effect of him valuing self-determination and self-actualization over morality: it’s an extreme and shocking form of individualism. He not only acts on these principles for himself, but is constantly guiding others by them. We see this in how he pushes Will to be his ‘best’ (murder-y) self, and in his interactions with many other characters--perhaps most obviously Randall Tier. 

For Hannibal, to love means one thing: to compromise this drive and thus to be compromised. Whether that’s out of care for the object of his affections (“my compassion for you is inconvenient, Will”) or the pain/heartbreak that person can cause (moping around Florence for several months, making literal compromises to ‘keep the peace’ because he’s depressed about his break up)--when Hannibal loves someone he is not free to be his truest Cannibal self. Loving Will, then, is a deep existential threat to Hannibal, a threat which can only be vanquished by consuming him, and thus re-affirming his sense of self (if we think of cannibalism as Hannibal’s peak level of self-actualization). Chilton says that, “cannibalism is an act of dominance” (2.6); by engaging in it in Dolce and eating Will’s brain Hannibal is hoping to assert dominance over his feelings for Will and regain control (while at the same time committing a symbolic act of joining and carnal closeness--duality!)

Thus the takeaway from this section is that Will’s real crime for which he needs to be forgiven, and the reason has to die is not because he betrayed Hannibal, but because he made Hannibal love him. Through this love, Will presents a deep, existential threat to Hannibal’s sense of self, and so for Hannibal the situation is literally life or death; worse, in fact, for Hannibal would much rather die than compromise himself. It’s him or Will, and in Dolce, Hannibal makes the choice to save himself--but whether or not he could ultimately have gone through it, it’s all negated by the choices he makes in the next episode.

6. Digestivo (3.7) - The fallout

I’m not sure that we see the moment that Hannibal changes his mind and decides that he’s not going to (or can’t) kill Will. Perhaps he might have pulled away even while wielding the bone saw if they hadn’t been interrupted; perhaps seeing Cordell’s severed flesh in Will’s mouth reminded him of how beautiful they could be together; perhaps, even, he understands that his bargain with Alana for Will’s life extends indefinitely; but, regardless of what caused it, we see the evidence of this decision in his conversation with Will at the end of 3.7:

HANNIBAL: Do we talk about teacups and time and the rules of disorder?

WILL: The teacup is broken. It’ll never gather itself back together again.

HANNIBAL: Not even in your mind? (off his look) Your memory palace is building. It’s full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I’ve discovered you there. Victorious.

My reading of this scene is that telling Will he’s discovered him ‘victorious’ is Hannibal’s cryptic way of saying that Will’s won. Will’s victory here is the fact that Hannibal can’t or actively chooses not to kill him and instead is willing to sacrifice what’s most important to him--his sense of self, and, as we see shortly after this conversation, his freedom. In fact, through my reading, Hannibal giving himself up at the end of the episode is hardly surprising and pales in comparison to what he’s already sacrificed in letting Will live. Thus Hannibal’s self-surrender to the FBI is the final step in a beautiful character arc that has him move from gutting Will at the end of season 2 for threatening his freedom (--“You would take my life?” --“Not your life, no.” --“My freedom then?” (2.13)) to sacrificing this freedom willingly just so that Will can’t get away from him--placing their relationship/love over and above his own self preservation, and proving what Will asserts at the end of season 2 -- that he’s already changed Hannibal as Hannibal changed him. 

So thus, whereas some people in the fandom see Hannibal’s ‘eat Will’ plot as something he wasn’t thinking clearly about, or attribute it to the influence of Bedelia (I think this doesn’t give Hannibal enough credit as an independent thinker, and in fact, don’t think Bedelia attempted to sway him in any way on this point--that’s Hannibal’s game, she just wants to study him as he is)--I see Hannibal’s ‘eat Will plot’ as borne directly from his love for Will, and in some ways a demonstration of that love.

One final note (TWOTL, 3.13): playing into the key theme of reciprocity (introduced through Will and Hannibal’s reciprocal attempts to off each other in season 2) in Dolce (3.6), the situation for Will is life or death--him or Hannibal--just as it is for Hannibal, but for a very different reason: if Will doesn’t kill Hannibal, he risks becoming him. Hannibal first makes the decision to kill Will (Dolce, 3.6) and then to sacrifice himself in acceptance of their love at a personal cost (Digestivo, 3.7). Will, just to be efficient, completes the reciprocal act by making both decisions at once--both killing Hannibal to save himself and destroying himself by accepting their love at the same time--by tumbling them both off the cliff in The Wrath of the Lamb (3.13). Way to go, Will!  They really are ‘identically different’!

In conclusion: Murder husbands 4 eva!!

Tl;dr, I actually have a life, oh God, why was this post so long--

In this literal embodiment of the 'in this essay I will' meme, I argue that Hannibal tries to eat Will’s brain out of self-preservation, because he realizes that he loves Will and that by this love Will has the potential to change him and is thus an existential threat to his sense of self, which he values more than life. 

Thanks all for reading!

*all episode transcripts are taken the scripts on Bryan Fuller’s website here.  *all screenshots are taken from the Hannibal Screencaps Gallery here. 

[goawaysugardrop-blog]

SUGARDROP50 CALLOUT POST

CONTRIBUTORS: Darth | Shining | RainbowB | Carl DISCLAIMER: DO NOT GO WITCHHUNT THE USER MENTIONED IN THIS CALLOUT. WHILE WE DO FIND HIS ACTIONS UNCALLED FOR, THREATENING PEOPLE’S LIVES IS EVEN MORE HARMFUL.

Youtube/Twitter user Sugardrop50, or otherwise known as bart-enderman on Tumblr, is a known Miitopia artist. However, behind closed doors, the user is also known for having to have been abusive towards Shining, their former datefriend, going as far as doxxing them and making them feel unsafe in the Miitopia community altogether, making them go as far as leaving the Amino they once lived to avoid him. He is also known to have allegedly reblogged NSFW of incest, and drew art of his Ex-Dark Lord that’s a child, via child pornography. This callout post will consist of the many witnesses who have been aware of his behavior, and you’ll be hearing from the victim themselves.

-       EVIDENCE #1: NSFW BLOG

The user had previously owned a NSFW blog dedicated to posting inappropriate art that contained incestual and pedophilic themes. The previous blog name, which went by sugardrop-nsfw, was known to have multiple instances of art pieces that promoted said themes, and had drawn a sketch their Miitopia OC being raped by Terror Fiends (bestiality) in two pictures, both as the Dark Lord and as the Ex-Dark Lord. The blog lasted for about a week until deletion, possibly due to fearing they would be spotted of their fetishization of children. Evidence is currently lost, but please notify us if you have any photos of the NSFW art.

-       EVIDENCE #2: DOXXING

Sugardrop50, prior to the breakup with Shining, immediately went berserk and went as far as sending someone to dox them of their address. Minutes after the breakup, the victim would receive an anonymous message that would as them if they “live on Bell Street.” Fortunately, the victim informed their father of the doxxing. Sugardrop would be dismissive of the threat as well and taunt Shining.

-       EVIDENCE #3: MISINFORMATION

The man has made a callout post in regards to Shining on Tumblr, mainly regarding the suicidal or depressed feelings they had during their relationship. However, despite the evidence he had placed on said callout post, most of it was misinformed, and most of the evidence is Sugardrop, himself, being very self-centered, mainly showing how much of a controlling person he was.

-       EVIDENCE #4: TOXIC/ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR

Sugardrop is known to have been viciously toxic towards not just Shining but others in the community. There had been numerous witnesses who have been at the receiving end of this behavior and his childish outbursts. Others have also witnessed their terrible treatment of other users in Discord servers, or have almost been manipulated by him.

-       EVIDENCE #5: BEING IRRATIONAL AND JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS

Despite numerous reminders from both Shining and other people, Sugardrop has made other irrational claims before, most of which are false accusations of others. During most of the relationship with Shining, Sugardrop would try and place blame on them for not having enough money or a job despite Shining telling them over and over again that they were job searching and trying to build up their portfolio in order to have better luck getting a job in their chosen field. Other times, Shining would be away from messages and be doing something non-Sugardrop/Discord/Miitopia related and instead do something like be in class or shopping for groceries and Sugardrop wouldn’t like not talking to them for long periods of time. Shining even went to Sweden over the summer for a vacation and Sugardrop wanted to hear from them every day. In short, if Shining was not online then Sugardrop was displeased.

-       EVIDENCE #6: SUGARDROP’S OWN UNSTABLE MENTAL HEALTH

Despite the terrible mental illness presented in Sugardrop’s callout of their ex, Sugardrop also faced events of wanting to end their own life. They would seek out Shining and express how bad they felt and their desire to end themselves as Shining would try to talk him down. This, in turn, made Shining feel like life wasn’t worth living without Sugardrop and even tried to kill themselves without their knowledge. These events passed back and forth and created a warped, if not eventually toxic relationship. The effects of living with his father is actually from when he lived with his sister to get away from his parents and his sister still treated him badly as well and this made him seal his own emotions to appear cold and disheartened, causing Shining to be dragged along.

-       EVIDENCE #7: PRESSURE OF SEXUAL RELATIONS/CONTENT

Shining identifies as Agender and Panromantic and went by she/her pronouns during the course of the relationship. They told Sugardrop this and he told them that he was okay with this but later dropped hints of wanting sexual relations before outright telling them. Shining denied advances before giving in due to pressure. An additional note is that Sugardrop even labeled their relationship as ‘straight’ despite Shining retelling him of their gender identity multiple times.

-       EVIDENCE #8: REFUSAL OF OUTSIDE RELATIONS

It was evident now that Sugardrop was a very controlling person. During the relationship with Shining, Shining desired to be friends with others or to keep previous friendships. Sugardrop was not too keen on this and even threw sad fits over Shinings wishes and tried to earn pity points with them to try and waive their interests. Even friends of the two would converse about talking or trying to be friends with other people and Sugardrop would give a stubborn ‘no’ or vaguely sad argument to dishearten them. Shining expressed desires of befriending a person and Sugardrop somehow jumped to the idea of Shining wishing to date this new friend and became distant.

-       EVIDENCE #9 - VAGUING

Within the past several weeks, Sugardrop has been talking behind the backs of Shining and other known abuse victims. When Shining made a video venting their feelings in regards to the situation, he immediately lost it, making numerous outbursts and sending other people to harass them and several other friends online. While doing so, many anonymous people called him out on using excuses to deny the fact he’s the one who abused her. To add insult to insult to injury, he would also have an outburst on anonymous people who called him out on what he’s done.

Statement from Shining:

A lot of Sugardrop’s callout is aimed at my self-destructive behavior that had built up from the relationship. I was not of sound mind during the end of this toxic relationship due to Sugardrop being the only one I talked to 24/7 and he was the keeper of all my secrets back then. He was very clingy and would talk down to me for not having a job despite him not having a job himself, would forget and throw a fit as to why I would be away from chatting with him for a time (this was mostly when I had to keep reminding him that I was trying to get a better job or internship in animation but had a weak animation/demo reel to show to studios or companies so I was trying to work on that, I even was poor and in bad living conditions myself and wanted to meet up with him so searching for a job would help with money problems for both of us), and even humiliate or joke on me publicly even when I told him to stop. There’s more to go on about with his mean behavior not only to me but my friends and others in contact with us or just strangers on the same server.

Being around Sugardrop put a drain on me. For a long time I wanted out of this relationship, but after being with him for so long I feared what would happen to me if I broke off the relationship. We both left a server because of another person suicide-baiting everyone and sending me death threats to a friend and me later down the line. I was afraid I wouldn’t be welcomed back in that server due to siding with him based on how he handled the situation. Thankfully everything worked out in the end where the person was booted out of the server and I could safely come back in (though that person would later come back and threaten me and a friend so a callout post was made at them before they apologized and the post was taken down to give them a second chance, sadly they’ve gone back to dirt-talking about me and even claim that I hate them and haven’t moved on from them even though I barely even think about them anymore) and was I was able to regain some mental stability.

During our relationship he did confirm to me that he was plotting his own suicide and I would be the one trying to talk him down but this would mostly end with him ending the conversation on a vague note for the night and me going to bed screaming and crying into my pillows. This wore me down so much over time and my confidence shattered badly while my own anxiety and depression skyrocketed because I became so dependant on him. Mind you, this was my first relationship too so I thought that some of this was normal, to an extent. Part of the reason this relation lasted so long was because I was completely clueless on some parts as to how romantic relationships worked. I was a coward for not breaking this off sooner and felt trapped in the relationship.

My mental health worsened and I told him I couldn’t go on anymore, I hadn’t felt so bad in years. I eventually did find the courage to calm myself down and sought out help online (my psychiatrist wasn’t open 24/7 and you had to make reservations ahead of time, it was a gamble trying to get her on the line when it was an emergency). Eventually I did feel better and even started talking with other friends and have a calming down time being away from chatting since I needed a breather from Sugardrop. He was glad that I was feeling better until I told him that I sought help online. He blew up and I finally snapped- ending the relationship.

It took me months to get better, during the first few weeks I was a mess trying not to cry in front of others or in front of my driving instructors (the driving training was hard on me because I pushed for it so much just so I could get experience to go and see him since we lived in the same state). I was finally able to recover and move on, deleting his contact number, blocking him on all medias he told me he was on, and deleting everything he ever said or gave me. There was no way he’d come back into my life.

Then he showed up on the Miitopia Amino and I had a panic attack and felt very depressed, I was even shaking sometimes due to the idea of him being in a space I thought was safe for me. I eventually learned to ignore him and put him out of my mind but then I had a terrible nightmare about him and decided that this was it- being on the Amino with him around was not possible for me unless I were to face a steep decline of my mental health. I asked a mod to see if anything could be done but this was deemed an ‘outside issue’ so there was nothing more, so that was it. I made a note saying I couldn’t be on there anymore due to me being unsafe since I was popular there and didn’t want to feel guilty for leaving them. I had a withdrawal from Amino and spoke with friends about it, trying to gain back some confidence and mental stability. Then a friend messaged me about my ex having a twitter where I saw that he was attacking one of my posts and even linking a callout towards me on his new tumblr. I had a panic attack and had to tell people I knew immediately about what was going on. He had successfully entered my life again, this time against my will. His post is full of misinformation and he points out a post I made where I was feeling bad for feeling like I had messed up a friendship at school.

I’m thankful that friends and strangers alike have come to my defense and have torn down his callout but there is little chance of me ever speaking to him again still and I would prefer it if I ever to never see him again. I’m still recovering from what he did and him putting false accusations of me has set me back farther. I’m trying to heal and being away from him has worked pretty well so far. I love my friends and everyone who supports me, thank you.

[bambuizeled]

"I will learn to live again, for now I'm breaking All the things I couldn't mend without escaping I will learn to love again I will learn to love I will learn" - “I Felt Free” by Circa Survive

Hey look! It’s Krissy! My first fursona... Or well... One of my first fursonas. Krissy was a German Shepherd because they were my favorite type of dog back I made them. You probably have to have known me for 7+ years to even remember them. Why am I posting them and why did I draw them again? Well... It’s a long story...

Before we begin I just want to say this is not vent art and not even a vent post with what will be mentioned---The followup to this is more vent related anything. This is gonna be touchy. It talks about abuse, manipulations, and stalking lil’ mentions of suicide idealization---Stalking that still seems going on to this day! But we'll get to that...

So... I'll clarify that this happened around back in 2010 and most of this shit took place on Deviantart unless stated otherwise. Sadly this was before we constantly spammed the “PRT SC” button for receipts and shit so much dialogue is lost and some is shit I’ve forgotten. I used to delete my accounts due to being overwhelmed, too.

Sometimes people end up having the wrong person in their lives. Unfortunately, It happens. Stuff like this can happen the most when we're younger and impulsive. Online relationships were an odd concept for me but I found myself getting into one. When I thought I had a good relationship I was going to through a rough time with a abusive parent and wound up in the hospital for an entire week. I remember that day pretty well. Went to school as normal but had to leave early as my mom picked me up and she drove me to see doctor and wound up having to stay in the hospital for a week due to suicidal thoughts. Didn't get to mention "Hey, I can't be online for a long while" on Deviantart to let any of my friends know. So I was stuck in there for a week.

Only to come back online, not wanting to mention the specifics as other people asked me why I was gone for so long---Including my datemate, who wound up suspicious over me being gone. Back then, I never liked mentioning my mental illnesses or doctor’s trips and I still don't really do that now unless I know someone really well or I need to clarify something about my behavior. But back then I hated mentioning my mental illnesses to the point where I often lived in the delusion that I was normal and didn’t need my meds. But me being gone for a week enough for him to decide for us to break up because he met someone else during the same week I just happened to be gone. And apparently their mother got suspicious of me because I lived in another country and was dating their child. The usual "You might be dating someone much older than you case" when it wasn't that at all. But, of course, we had to break up. Coming back to that after a terrible stay in the hospital for a week and dealing with an abusive mother honestly had nothing more than self harm and suicide on my young, teenage mind. But I still didn’t want to mention anything in regards to my personal life so I never explained...

It was less about breaking up and more as to how it was handled. There was a copy-paste note sent out to multiple people---including me. Explaining the whole situation and mentioning that he and I had broke up in a small footnote. And that. Put me on the breaking point and I simply blocked him and planned to ignore him from that point. Of course, my decision immediately caused chaos. He wound up creating a fake account to pretend he was someone else. A brand new account just popping up and someone immediately talking to me? He asked me if he could draw one of my OCs. I said "Sure" and once the drawing was done, I had a suspicion over who it was. And we eventually had a conversation via notes and since I was still sad about the breakup. I was asked if I could just forgive him and I responded with a "no". And then being told it's a good idea to forgive people... Coming from the stalker who had to make a new account, pretend it wasn't him, and then try to make himself look like the victim? Haaah.

So it went back to quietness until there were various journals "calling me out". Mentioning how mean I was or belittling me to the public on journals from Deviantart to Furaffinity. And of course, multiple people would end up disliking me and talking shit about me in the comments. Boy, as someone who deals with paranoia in my adulthood---I wonder how that came to be, eh?

And when I don't let him have his way----He ends up making vent art and ranting about me in submissions! How nice to have something escalate from journals to vent art about me so it can blasted on the front page to DA and FA. It's funny because when the vent art was posted---I was called a "whiny bitch" when this person was the one another account for block evasion, making journals and art submissions that namedropped me no less. While I just stayed quiet because I was going through child abuse and dealing with racism at school and I did not remotely feel safe online when spending time and posting art on Deviantart was one of the few things that made me happy.   What a wonderful experience I had there, right?

After all of the ranting, I ended up receiving some sort of apology message from my ex but he used someone else to send it to me via note on FA. Because of all of the harassment---I accepted the apology even though I didn't want to. I wanted this to stop. I had no choice because I was already dealing with a lot in real life. I at least wanted to feel safe on Deviantart.

Eventually we did start talking to each other again in July of 2010... Then there was some sort of fight that my mind draws a blank at in 2011. There was a disagreement over something and it was back to not being friends again, apparently he was the one to end it. Maybe that's why I don't remember? Because it did mean freedom for me after feeling forced to stay with this person. It was probably something meager or something really stupid in his case. But it did go back with me being publicly shamed again so I'll leave that note here as well. Then I was begged for forgiveness once more and I accepted the apology again because I scared.

But you know what did all of the harassment amounted to? This person publicly slandering about how much of a bitch I was for not forgiving him and just deciding to cut ties? Wanting me to go about my life because I was dealing with a lot in my life and my only safe space was being contaminated? You want to know what all of that amounted into? I got ignored and I got neglected. No. I'm not fucking joking.

Each time we cut ties and got back together---There was a bit of talking and then just silence all the way through. It was more prominent after 2011. And you want to know who was the ONLY person to bother with starting conversations with this abusive person? Me. Because I thought we were friends. But we really weren't. No matter what he says otherwise. It was nothing more than a delusion. Constant complaints about me for blocking him when I wanted nothing to do with him only for me to "forgive" apologies because I wanted the harassment to stop. I was forced into a friendship with someone because I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions without the threat of slander and I was miserable.

So from July 2011 up to June 23rd 2016----I was the only person to say "Hi" or actually try to get chatter going. Most of the time conversations would end in abrupt silences. No replies or anything for over months to years. No updates or anything. Even passively aggressively mentioning me on a Deviantart journal where you answer questions and it asks you who your friends are and for some reason I’m added to the list with some sort of passive aggressive “I know we don’t talk much, but I still consider you a friend”. Yeah, not like he ever bothered to talk to begin with. What a great friend. But mentioning that we don’t talk on a DA journal is more appropriate than starting a conversation apparently. Maybe I was expected to break the ice again but at that point I was not interested in speaking to him anymore. Most of the time, I don’t mind it if me and friends don’t talk for a long while. Heck, there’s friends who I haven’t talked to in over a year and we’re still on good terms. But this.... Is a different case than not talking to someone for over a year or a general long period of time---This is a case of having someone harass you for not wanting to talk to them and when they can talk to you---they ignore you instead. AND THIS HAPPENED TWICE.

So... What happened on June 23rd 2016? I sent him a note, asking him to never contact me or interact with me or any of my accounts ever again. But due to the disrespect for my spaces---Well... That’ll be revealed shortly afterwards.

______________

You'd think me typing all of this would mean I'm mad, right? Hah. When we get to the other part and such---Then you’ll see why I’m mad.

I drew this picture as something that represents me. Or well, a part of me. Specifically the younger part of me---Back when I was about 15 when this all happened. I wanted to draw something light for this topic. Because of dealing with 6 years of that crap. Having this person out of my life and even kicking them out when it was clear they didn’t really care for me from the beginning made me so happy with myself. The entire time I was forced into a relationship that made me feel unsafe and scared. And yet I was still the one to ever bother talking.

All in all; be kind to yourself. Have the right people in your life---Specifically non-toxic people.  A mutual relationship with understanding is better than a relationship where it's one-sided and there's too much tension or someone is uncomfortable around you. Breaking away seems scary---And it is. But sometimes you need to break away and heal.

The topic of "healing" and "recovering" can be a scary subject to people. I know I always dreaded the concept for some reason---More so to the concept of me never being able to recover over broken relationships. But when I told this person I didn't want him in my life anymore---I felt free. To cut back any ties that were holding me back. To let go any bad memories that I'd usually think about during my depression spells. (Which did stop during said spells, thankfully.) And I felt so proud of myself finally cutting ties with someone who took me for granted and ignored me.

Sometimes you'll never forgive a person---That lack of forgiveness for someone isn't a "grudge". Whether or not you forgive doesn't make you a bad person. You can forgive the moments to move on. To think my stalker pretended to be someone else and suggested forgiveness where it was not his place to.

Maybe what I say is something people can't relate to. I'm human, and we're all different. And situations are different.  Healing and recovery is different for people and different for everyone. So take it all with a grain of salt because what I mention is from my own experience

But do know this, if you ever experience a toxic relationship that ends up with stalking as a result---Please. Take care of yourself and I hope you are well.

[fccdfcrthcught]

1. Duality

One of my favourite things about Hannibal is its duality, the show’s ability to hold onto ambiguity, even with two seemingly contradictory ideas. The acts of the darkest horror can co-exist with the deepest love. When Will clutches Hannibal close and pulls them off a cliff, it’s the acknowledgement that Hannibal’s always wanted of their perfect sympathy (Will decides that he has to go too because of his similarity to Hannibal) at the same time as a murder/suicide. When Hannibal gives himself up to the police it’s an act of shocking romanticism (he is literally sacrificing his freedom for Will) at the same time as it is clear threat, Hannibal saying to Will ‘you’ll never be rid of me’. It’s in the line of this duality that I read Hannibal’s attempt to eat Will’s brain.

In my ongoing analysis I’ll be using text, context and subtext to determine Hannibal’s feelings and motives.

So, for context: What preceded Hanni’s bad decision?

2. Mizumono (2.13) - The gutting incident

Hannibal and Will’s ‘breakup’ at the end of season 2 is what may mostly strongly come to mind as the inciting moment for the head-sawing incident; however, Will’s betrayal, the cause of the breakup, is not what caused Hannibal to wield the bone saw.

Think about it: if Hannibal wanted to kill Will only because of his betrayal, he likely would have just dug his knife a little deeper in Mizumono. Instead, Hannibal states he forgives Will via killing Abigail–“I forgive you Will, will you forgive me?” (2.13) (thereby setting up a pattern whereby death creates forgiveness). No, as Chilton reveals, “Will Graham is alive because Hannibal Lecter likes him that way” (3.4). (I should note that Hannibal preserving Will’s life at the end of season 2 is an act that again, in the show’s dualism, speaks of his regard for Will as much as it does his wish to make Will suffer for his betrayal by having to live with the pain of Abigail’s death.)

So if Hannibal isn’t trying to kill Will over his betrayal at the end of season 2, what is the reason? It must be a result of something that happened after that, in season 3.

3. Antipasto (3.1) - A clean break?

My reading here depends upon the understanding that Hannibal’s actions in Mizumono were intended to be the end of that chapter of his life. He cuts ties with his old life in the most Hannibal fashion: by leaving four people bleeding on the ground. When he walks out into the rain, he is figuratively washing himself of that life, and all of his old connections. Or so he thinks.

Florence was supposed to be a clean break for Hannibal (although one could argue that his bringing Bedelia stems from an unconscious desire to hold onto it), but what happens when he gets to Florence? Rather than continuing happily in his murderous ways, he actually tries to establish a peace: “I’ve found a peace here that I would preserve. I’ve killed hardly anybody during our residence” (3.1). His desire for this peace is so strong, that he seeks to preserve it even when it means letting Sogliato get away being a dick to him, something that an earlier Hannibal would never have let stand (“My killing Sogliato now would not preserve the peace” (3.1)).

It isn’t until the episode’s end, months after his arrival in Florence, that he breaks this holding pattern with Anthony Dimmond (arguably killing Dimmond for not being Will, but that’s another post), and thus it is fitting, since Dimmond helped him to ‘untwist’, that he uses Dimmond’s twisted body to reveal the cause of his uncharacteristic behaviour, both to us and to himself: Will has broken his heart.

I think this is the first time Hannibal begins to understand what Will says to him in Mizumono, that he “already did” change Hannibal the way that Hannibal changed him. Rather than rolling off of Hannibal’s back like he intended, Will’s betrayal has touched him, changed him, radically altered his behavior–because Hannibal loves him.

4. Secondo (3.3) - Therapy with Bedelia or He made you feel feelings? What a bitch.

Secondo is a key episode for understanding this conundrum because it’s this season’s ‘Hannibal goes to therapy’ episode. It starts and ends with a ‘therapy session’ between Bedelia and Hannibal, closing with Hannibal’s realization: “I have to eat him.” These two scenes that bookend the episode are the most important to my understanding of Hannibal’s motivations re: the head-sawing incident.

At the very beginning of Secondo we see Hannibal returning to Florence after leaving his bloody valentine in Palermo. Bedelia meets him at the train station and asks him if it was good to see Will, and Hannibal replies “among other things.” This sets up the therapy session that follows which is about unpacking those ‘other things.’

So how does Hannibal work out his feelings for Will? Remember how I said Fuller’s characters are defined by juxtaposition? The realization that Hannibal might perhaps love Will prompts him to think of the only other person he has loved: his sister, Mischa.

In their second session, Bedelia introduces this parallel into their discussion:

BEDELIA: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict.

HANNIBAL: Or negotiate.

BEDELIA: I would suggest that what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. (then) A force of mind and circumstance.

HANNIBAL Love.

I would argue that until this time, the early episodes of season 3, Hannibal never considered the possibility that he loved Will. Of course he knew he was intrigued by Will (or as Bedelia put it ‘obsessed with Will’), he knew that he cared about Will, but love is something that has not come up before–in regards to Will or anyone else (when discussing Abigail, it’s that Hannibal ‘cared about her’ as much as Will did; the one indirect mention of love between Will and Hannibal before this was in Will’s dream/fantasy in 2.9). Thus the introduction of love – the idea the he loves Will – is the huge pivot on which 3.3 turns for Hannibal.

So how does Hannibal make the leap from love to murder? From something else that Will and Mischa have in common: their potential to incite betrayal. When Bedelia brings up the subject of betrayal (presumably in the context of Will), Hannibal, running with the already established Will-Mischa parallel responds:

Mischa didn’t betray me. She would influence me to betray myself.

This, I think, is the most important line defining the head-sawing incident. The specifics of what happened with Mischa are never quite made clear–but what does he mean by ‘she would influence me to betray myself’? From the context provided, the implication that I take from this is that whether this influence was conscious (perhaps Mischa actively dissuading Hanni from nefarious plots while she was alive) or unconscious (that just by dying she had the power to hurt him), Mischa’s influence itself was a direct result of Hannibal’s love for her–she was able to influence him because–and only because–he loved her.

To see where Will comes into this, here’s the full close to the episode:

HANNIBAL: Mischa didn’t betray me. She would influence me to betray myself. (then) But I forgave her that influence.

BEDELIA: If past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, there is only one way for you to forgive Will Graham.

HANNIBAL: I have to eat him.

What exactly would Hannibal be forgiving Will for, here? As discussed, he’s already forgiven him for his betrayal in Mizumono with Abigail’s death (remember the whole, “I forgive you, Will, will you forgive me? (2.13) and murder = forgiveness pattern). Furthermore, earlier in the episode Hannibal admits that he’s “vague on those details” when Bedelia asks him whether he’s the betrayer or betrayed between him and Will. My argument is that the Will-Mischa parallel that this scene establishes re: love, also applies in this situation re: betrayal; Will again mirrors Mischa. Thus it isn’t Will’s betrayal that Hannibal needs to forgive, it’s Will’s influence, which causes Hannibal to betray himself (hence Hannibal’s earlier confusion on who betrayed whom). And what is the mechanism of this influence and self-betrayal? Hannibal’s love for Will.  So really what Hannibal has to forgive Will for is making him love him, and the only way to do that is to kill him (remember, murder = forgiveness).

But why is the idea that he might love Will such a big deal for Hannibal? And what exactly is this self-betrayal that he has to forgive Will for causing?

5.  Control, authenticity and the self

Hannibal loves control. This includes control over others/situations (he blows on Will’s soup in Dolce because he has to control every element of the situation and Will burning his mouth on his hot soup doesn’t suit his plan, it would be ‘sloppy’; another example is the care he took with bandaging Abel Gideon) and also perfect control of himself.  His ‘re-natured nature’ as Bryan Fuller puts, how he shapes himself through sheer force of will, is perhaps his most defining feature. Hannibal’s love for Will marks a loss of control, for as Hannibal admits: “we cannot choose with respect to who we fall in love” (3.3).

But further than that, Hannibal’s love for Will is a threat to his sense of self.

Arguably, Hannibal’s desire for personal authenticity and self-actualization is his greatest drive. He expresses and achieves this drive through art in all its forms, including fashion, the culinary arts, and of course, murder-art. He is never evil for its own sake, but rather his evilness is an effect of him valuing self-determination and self-actualization over morality: it’s an extreme and shocking form of individualism. He not only acts on these principles for himself, but is constantly guiding others by them. We see this in how he pushes Will to be his ‘best’ (murder-y) self, and in his interactions with many other characters–perhaps most obviously Randall Tier.

For Hannibal, to love means one thing: to compromise this drive and thus to be compromised. Whether that’s out of care for the object of his affections (“my compassion for you is inconvenient, Will”) or the pain/heartbreak that person can cause (moping around Florence for several months, making literal compromises to ‘keep the peace’ because he’s depressed about his break up)–when Hannibal loves someone he is not free to be his truest Cannibal self. Loving Will, then, is a deep existential threat to Hannibal, a threat which can only be vanquished by consuming him, and thus re-affirming his sense of self (if we think of cannibalism as Hannibal’s peak level of self-actualization). Chilton says that, “cannibalism is an act of dominance” (2.6); by engaging in it in Dolce and eating Will’s brain Hannibal is hoping to assert dominance over his feelings for Will and regain control (while at the same time committing a symbolic act of joining and carnal closeness–duality!)

Thus the takeaway from this section is that Will’s real crime for which he needs to be forgiven, and the reason has to die is not because he betrayed Hannibal, but because he made Hannibal love him. Through this love, Will presents a deep, existential threat to Hannibal’s sense of self, and so for Hannibal the situation is literally life or death; worse, in fact, for Hannibal would much rather die than compromise himself. It’s him or Will, and in Dolce, Hannibal makes the choice to save himself–but whether or not he could ultimately have gone through it, it’s all negated by the choices he makes in the next episode.

6. Digestivo (3.7) - The fallout

I’m not sure that we see the moment that Hannibal changes his mind and decides that he’s not going to (or can’t) kill Will. Perhaps he might have pulled away even while wielding the bone saw if they hadn’t been interrupted; perhaps seeing Cordell’s severed flesh in Will’s mouth reminded him of how beautiful they could be together; perhaps, even, he understands that his bargain with Alana for Will’s life extends indefinitely; but, regardless of what caused it, we see the evidence of this decision in his conversation with Will at the end of 3.7:

HANNIBAL: Do we talk about teacups and time and the rules of disorder?

WILL: The teacup is broken. It’ll never gather itself back together again.

HANNIBAL: Not even in your mind? (off his look) Your memory palace is building. It’s full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I’ve discovered you there. Victorious.

My reading of this scene is that telling Will he’s discovered him ‘victorious’ is Hannibal’s cryptic way of saying that Will’s won. Will’s victory here is the fact that Hannibal can’t or actively chooses not to kill him and instead is willing to sacrifice what’s most important to him–his sense of self, and, as we see shortly after this conversation, his freedom. In fact, through my reading, Hannibal giving himself up at the end of the episode is hardly surprising and pales in comparison to what he’s already sacrificed in letting Will live. Thus Hannibal’s self-surrender to the FBI is the final step in a beautiful character arc that has him move from gutting Will at the end of season 2 for threatening his freedom (–“You would take my life?” –“Not your life, no.” –“My freedom then?” (2.13)) to sacrificing this freedom willingly just so that Will can’t get away from him–placing their relationship/love over and above his own self preservation, and proving what Will asserts at the end of season 2 – that he’s already changed Hannibal as Hannibal changed him.

So thus, whereas some people in the fandom see Hannibal’s ‘eat Will’ plot as something he wasn’t thinking clearly about, or attribute it to the influence of Bedelia (I think this doesn’t give Hannibal enough credit as an independent thinker, and in fact, don’t think Bedelia attempted to sway him in any way on this point–that’s Hannibal’s game, she just wants to study him as he is)–I see Hannibal’s ‘eat Will plot’ as borne directly from his love for Will, and in some ways a demonstration of that love.

One final note (TWOTL, 3.13): playing into the key theme of reciprocity (introduced through Will and Hannibal’s reciprocal attempts to off each other in season 2) in Dolce (3.6), the situation for Will is life or death–him or Hannibal–just as it is for Hannibal, but for a very different reason: if Will doesn’t kill Hannibal, he risks becoming him. Hannibal first makes the decision to kill Will (Dolce, 3.6) and then to sacrifice himself in acceptance of their love at a personal cost (Digestivo, 3.7). Will, just to be efficient, completes the reciprocal act by making both decisions at once–both killing Hannibal to save himself and destroying himself by accepting their love at the same time–by tumbling them both off the cliff in The Wrath of the Lamb (3.13). Way to go, Will!  They really are ‘identically different’!

In conclusion: Murder husbands 4 eva!!

Tl;dr, I actually have a life, oh God, why was this post so long–

In this literal embodiment of the ‘in this essay I will’ meme, I argue that Hannibal tries to eat Will’s brain out of self-preservation, because he realizes that he loves Will and that by this love Will has the potential to change him and is thus an existential threat to his sense of self, which he values more than life.

Thanks all for reading!

*all episode transcripts are taken the scripts on Bryan Fuller’s website here.  *all screenshots are taken from the Hannibal Screencaps Gallery here.

On eating Will’s brain

Spoilers for all of Hannibal, tl;dr at the end, if you don’t feel like reading 2500 words.

This very long meta post will attempt to answer the common question: why did Hannibal try to eat Will’s brain in Dolce (3.6)?

Introduction

There’s a beautiful ambiguity to Fuller’s characters in Hannibal. Character is primarily revealed not by direct statement of thoughts and feelings (as characters’ statements are often ambiguous and about what appear to be peripheral issues), but by juxtaposition. This includes juxtaposition of a character’s actions over time, thematic mirrors of their situations in the case-of-the-week, and the many mirrored/foiled relationships that pop up, whereby the characters are defined against each other. (For example, Will/Tobias, Will/Peter, Will/Pazzi, Will/Gideon, Will/Chiyoh, etc.–Fuller uses these pairings to tell us something about Will in the ways that he is or is not like them, according to his own perceptions, those of others, and that of the audience). The show uses this ambiguity of character to raise questions about key themes, such as human capacity or potential for evil. 

While this is a riveting artistic strategy, it makes the characters’ interactions and intentions increasingly unclear, especially when even the more straightforward characters like Alana drift toward ambiguity by season 3. This is why I think there’s so much confusion about what will heretofore be known as the head-sawing incident, and also why I also consider this post to be a reading of the situation, and not necessarily the authoritative one.

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