#*extremely off key* creepER Aw mAn

[spicydonutz]

Hehe

[harrietvane]

do you mind talking about why you dislike Love Actually and Richard Curtis's romcoms? I've seen you mention it in some of your tags and I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

Long post, so scroll now, ye who care not.

OK, so like better voices than mine have articulated Why Love Actually Sucks Balls, but you were kind enough to ask for my view, so strap in I’m gonna talk about Jane Eyre, and the 1990’s Fran Drescher sitcom The Nanny also. It’s coming up on western civilisations’ holiday season, so why not, it’s a good time to tell this movie to choke, because it’s about to be repeatedly thrust upon us once again. (Disclaimer: I acknowledge Richard Curtis is responsible for Blackadder and Vicar of Dibley, so whatever else, we’re still cool on that basis. But I have spite and to spare, so there’s plenty to go around).

My main beef is actually the context. Technically, if all of the below bullshit was in an offbeat movie from any other movie market (I’m thinking maybe a French, or Spanish movie from the 90′s boom, Almodovar style?), the focus would probably be a black humour take on ‘Lord What Fools These Mortals Be!’, sort of look at the inherent ridiculousness of mankind, and how we get in our own way, blah blah, might have been cute. I’d buy that. This movie? A british movie for the american market? It’s sold with a big holiday sticker on it saying ‘ROMANCE’, and specifically ‘ADORABLE ASPIRATIONAL ROMANCE THAT YOU SHOULD ADORE AND ASPIRE TO’. Also the context *inside* the movie itself (through a narration voiceover no less) is that all of these narratives is somehow proof that ‘Love, Actually is all around’, and specifically in a good, wholesome, happy way, overall at least. These stories are redeeming, even if they’re not all happy, they’re Good™ or whatever. The context outside the movie is the same: british TV advertising, hard copy packaging, holiday specials, outdoor gala screenings: they all say over and over: THIS IS SQUISHY HOT PINK NEON LOVE, wholesome, healing, and healthy. You should want this, aspire to this, think this is the cat’s pyjamas! It’s a wide and varied look at the beautiful power of love from all angles, comic, tragic, the lot. 

Is it fuck. The ‘positive’ romance stories range from Stage-5 Creeper to Crotch Puppet Afterthought, the ‘melancholy’, thwarted romance stories seem to say ‘if you’re a woman who’s not readily/immediately bangable to your allocated straight dude, romance is over for you I’m afraid’. Let’s recap, shall we:

Much has already been said about Andrew Lincoln’s character BLANTANTLY SHARKING ON HIS BEST MATE’S WIFE being uhhh, less than fresh. I don’t even feel like I need to justify this one, it’s so over-the-top. The main point is that movie itself maintains this as a tragic, swoony, thwarted, heart-string-tugging missed connection, rather than The Worst Friend Ever (meaning: it assumes we’ll be 100% onboard with Keira Knightley skipping secretly away from Chiwetel Eijiofor to grant his best mate one treasured kiss, as opposed to saying ‘what the FUCK Mark, why are you telling me this, this is super inappropriate?? and my only wedding video is just you zooming in on my face? Pls get help’.

We all love National Treasure Colin Firth and all, but like is Love, Actually fixating on a woman who literally can’t speak to you? Has said nothing understandable to you? About whose own life you’ve never yet, and could never have asked about? Whose main interactions with you have been to wordlessly clean your room, bring you food, and tidy it away after? Your ideal woman, who you meet immediately following a break up, is one who silently meets all your domestic needs, while making zero emotional or intellectual demands on you whatsoever? WOW, SHOCKER. (Oh but it’s cute or whatever, they have him propose, and there’s a mix up when her sister appears, but she’s Ugly™, so it’s funny that the sister is not getting romance. I mean, how could she, an uggo?? Classic joke. Good times.)

The Prime Minster and his tea lady: more on Curtis’ Domestic Servitude Kink below, whoo boy.

Laura Linney would really really like to sleep with Rodrigo Santoro, and god bless her who wouldn’t, but she is tragically unable to, because she has family commitments as being the sister – not even fulltime carer, just RELATED TO -  a brother living with disability. Sorry folks, romance is OFF THE CARDS, FOREVER for Laura here. How can she??? That’s the nature of love, actually. Can you have sex right now this moment? No? Whelp, sorry, thanks for playing, back to the Tragic Assisted Living facility for you. Gosh it’s unfortunate that’s a truth universally acknowledged that any whiff of disability = no romance for you ever. (Don’t start me on 4 Weddings* [edit: *it’s totally Notting Hill, not 4 Weddings, thank] and how that husband is like The Best because he continues to love his wife even though her legs don’t work. What a champ, honestly, do they have an award for that?) I have to stop now before I get sarcasm poisoning, but my eyes will continue to roll.

How could I say anything bad about the Liam Neeson widower and his adorable lovestruck son storyine? Lol, I’m gonna. Have you seen the Buffy episode The Zeppo? Xander is convinced the only way girls (as a concept, not in the specific) will like him enough to sleep with him is if he has A Thing. The Thing is posited as ‘being cool’ by having an object or skill that alone will be the magic bullet to romance. Musical instrument prowess is considered, and he ends up just getting a car to be his Thing. This just seems like a redux of that logic. This kid could get some genuine direction from the movie to get to know this girl, learn her interests and share his, see if she likes him as a person by being A PERSON, but the narrative just backs away from that and eventually DOES just say ‘play the drums in the show, she’ll like you’ and that’s …it. But it’s cool, teenagers don’t learn key interpersonal dynamics at this age or anything, she kisses him for some reason, whatever. (Bonus points for gifting his dad with a literal supermodel as a punchline, after making that an actual joke earlier about the shallow nature of attraction, and love is about filling a one-sided need.)

I could go on, but I have very little to say about Freeman falling for a girl whose tits he’s been holding for a week, the no-homo pop star Nighy plot, or the guy that goes and has sex in Wisconsin with Bond Girls, and can’t be bothered, which leads me to…

Richard Curtis’ Domestic Servitude Kink. Must I kinkshame Richard Curtis in his own home?? Nope, I’m kinkshaming him AT WORK in his narratives, surrounded by his nubile, pliant, adorable female employee characters. Oh Mr Curtis, I seem to have dropped a pencil!

OK, so like a M/F Domestic Servitude romance is an extremely old trope, and extremely common, and I’m not here to tear that up, because done well it’s amazing, lot of petrol in that King Cophetua narrative tank. I’m a fan. The most famous in-context historical example being Jane Eyre, for instance: he’s her boss, she’s his paid subordinate, they’re both 100% aware of that. It’s a great way to explore the real-life class and power dynamics of these 2 train wrecks of human beings, and they vomit their ridiculous drama llama feelings all over a 600 page novel. Super fun, they’re both awful humans, I love them. Mid-century you might have The Sound of Music, and in more modern times you get 1990s sitcom The Nanny, both extremely well-developed romances involving paid employees, and part of their value is that the shows KNOW THIS. They’re aware it’s the basis for their dynamic, that they have to directly play with that, and develop beyond to go anywhere. Watching Fran Fine in her runway-fresh Moschino minidresses jump on Maxwell Sheffield’s desk for the 800th time making him super uncomfortable (and not a little turned on) is always such a treat. It’s right out there on the label. The problem with Love, Actually, is Curtis doesn’t want to admit that naughty secretary seems to be a cornerstone of what gets him going, romantic-stylez. 

One (1) time in the movie would be ‘sure, why not’. Literally the highest political office in the land, making overtures to the woman who brings him tea, i guess might be a bit off, but let’s say it’s done well, and maybe Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon’s charisma gets us over the line (his behaviour is cute because her last man didn’t like her body, but the prime minister DOES like her body! so it’s cute!). Whatever, seen worse. Two (2) times however is making a point, and Colin Firth is driving his silent portuguese maid home - not a french maid but so close! - and deciding he’d like her to bring him tea and clean his toilet for as long as they both shall live, and that also seems to be her greatest joy. Ah, l’amour. OK, I guess you like the thing, everyone has a thing, but at least you’re done now. Wait, you mean there’s a third (3rd) one? Everyone’s Fave Alan Rickman drives the plot of his own marriage’s tragic romance because he’s having stiffening feelings about his own Naughty Secretary halloween costume, after all. All the beautiful speeches about Joni Mitchell give Thompson some nice things to do, but it still assumes the Nature of Romance is to want to plough the help. A man can’t help it! It’s how romantic attraction works! Once would be whatever. Three times and there’s a tag on Ao3 for that, so please just scratch that itch and stop selling it to me in a heartwarming christmas movie as the Universal Nature Of Romance, so varied, so vast, the full spectrum! Just 2 hours to tell a story: but 3 whole narratives and 7 actors devoted to the variants on the naughty maid story. My point is be upfront about it and I’d be all for it - pretend it’s not A Thing You’re Doing and my creep-meter goes ping. Steven Shainberg’s ‘Secretary’ has a scene where the boss literally puts a saddle on his employee, and I find it to be one of the most genuinely moving romances I’ve ever seen. Love Actually makes me feel like Curtis is sending me a ‘u up?’ late night text about his secretary fantasy.

Anyway, I fucking hate this film, and not necessarily because of the content, but because of the context. The movie tells me to love it as aspirational romance. My culture tells me to love it as aspirational romance. Everyone tells me to love it as a varied and full exploration of reasons to get up in the morning, because it’s an aspirational romance. It makes me want to claw my own face off.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s05e22 “The Internet Is Forever” review - or more aptly named, one heck of a long review because this episode was perfect. I LOVE CRIMINAL MINDS!

Episode 22 – The Internet is Forever

Hey guys! Whew, what a week, and it only started yesterday. Yes, I work Sundays, because I live in Israel, where our ‘holy day’ is Friday, but I work in Nespresso customer service so I work once every two weeks on Fridays too, so I guess I got the short straw until I own my mega super empire of translation.

Whatever.

That was a little rant.

Anyway, let’s see what happens.

Okay, this is seriously one hell of a creepy intro into the show. What the fuck is this thing?

What the …

Why do they always have to murder people in their sleep? It’s creepy.

So three missing women in Boise, Idaho in one year two months apart? Yikes. That sounds nuts.

“Well, hello.”

Bed-head poodle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god, the fascinated look on Rossi’s face!

I can’t take this show’s fascination with Reid’s hair. I love it!

“What, did you join a boy band?”

“No.”

I love it how he takes it so seriously!

Derek, you little shit.

“Okay, so what are we looking at here? Late twenties, early thirties.”

“All single, though two are in a committed relationships. All living on their own.”

Huh? That doesn’t make sense.

How are they single if they are in committed relationships?

“Looks like normal suburban houses. Gives the unsub privacy.”

“The differences are more striking than the similarities. Different hair colors, different body shapes.”

Smart poodle, I love you.

“What do you know about his MO?”

“That’s why we were invited in. The abduction sites are pristine.”

Oh dear.

“And there’s no DNA besides the victims’.”

Shit.

“and the victims aren’t reported missing until two or three days after they’re abducted.”

“Two or three days … women like this don’t just vanish without somebody noticing.”

True.

They were hot.

“Yes. Which is why I asked Garcia to dig into their lives.”

I love you, JJ, for appreciating my honey.

“And when I took a look at their online activity, I could easily see how the unsub is doing it.”

“Social networking sites.”

Fuck.

“Yeah. Facebook, Twitter. You name an online life-sharing time-suck, the victims were on it. And if you look at each of their last posts, they say the same thing … going out of town, going on a business trip, going on a vacation.”

Oh dear.

“But when you look at the time and date stamp of each of these,”

“Cue the Twilight Zone music,”

“Because they were all posted the morning after each of them went missing.”

Boom. My baby girl has them on her rope.

“The unsub posted them.”

Duh.

“Social networks are an easy way for an unsub to target his victims.”

Yeah, no kidding.

Oh, and I promise – I’m not an unsub ;)

“These women were especially open. They posted everything from what they were having for dinner to where they were going on dates.”

Yeesh.

“So this unsub friends his victims and then uses that as a cover once he takes them.”

Oh god.

“That means he can hack into their accounts.”

Yup.

“So he’s excellent with computers.”

“Definitely profiles as patient and organized.”

‘He’s obsessive enough to remove all forensic details, but also patient enough to wait two months before abductions.”

“He can afford to be. He gets three days to do whatever he wants to these women.”

Oh god.

“That means we need to assume these women are already dead.”

Fuck.

“The question is what he does while he has them.”

Oh god.

George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

What the fuck? That was seriously beyond inception, and totally fucked wiht my brain. If anyone can explain to me what Shaw meant, I’ll give them a kiss, like, literally, fly all the way to your home and make out with you.

“So if this unsub is using social networks to find his victims, can’t we use that to find him?”

Aw, my optimistic puppy.

“Yeah, if these women each had a hundred friends following them, then the unsub would pop up on each of their lists, right?”

“Uh, the detective in charge, John Fordham, he looked into their groups. Everyone checked out.”

Guess not.

“Social networking sites are surprisingly insecure.”

“Facebook recently tried to update all their privacy settings, and in doing so, they made everybody’s profiles viewable.”

Whoops. Bad move there, Facebook.

Lol.

“Can somebody explain to me the appeal of these sites?”

Oh my darling Italian grandpa.

“‘Eating sushi tonight. Yum.’”

Oh my god, I love this show.

‘‘Boss is keeping me late at work. Grr.’”

Oh god, I died.

“Whose life is so important that we’d be interested in this kind of detail?”

“I don’t know. I guess that’s the running joke, right?”

Huh?

“I mean, nobody is.”

“But we’d all like to believe there’s actually an audience out there that wants to follow our every move.”

Whoa, that was extremely deep, my gorgeous puppy.

“You know, some sites actually have a GPS feature built in. You can tell exactly where someone is every time they post a new comment.”

Yup. We’re seriously living in a dangerous world.

“This is telling us how he’s finding him, but it’s not telling us how he’s getting into their houses.”

“At the very least, I believe that he has copies of their keys. Doris Archer gad a security home system installed, but the disable code was entered at 1:56 AM. So he knew that, too.”

Fudge.

“He also found a way to deal with her dog.”

“A German Shepherd she adopted from the pound last year went missing the night that she did.”

Awwwwww

“All right, so this guy’s gotta be in and out of the house well before the night of the disappearance.”

Well, yeah.

“What about the people who come into your house that you don’t consider a threat?”

Oh boy. That’s one smart Italian honey.

“Okay, Morgan and Prentiss, start with the last abduction sites. See if anything points to his MO.”

“Dave, you, Reid, and JJ go back over the women’s lives. Start with their friends on the social networking sites.”

Oh dear. I hope they find this fucker.

“Did you find anyone willing to talk to us about the victims?”

“The problem wasn’t who to bring in.”

Can I be honest? That guy reminds me of a cartoon ... can’t put my finger on it, but he does.

Whoa. That’s a lot of people.

“The man we’re looking for might have found your daughter through her social networks. Did Paula mention anyone new in her life?”

Nope.

It’s her mom. She doesn’t’ know about Facebook and stuff. No offense to any moms out there, but usually nowaday moms around that age are pretty incompetent with Facebook.

“So I’m assuming she knew who followed her, then?”

“Oh, god no. She had over 1,000 friends.”

Ha.

“Wow. Why so many?”

Oh my honey.

It’s a work strategy.

“So, wait. Even though she told all those people what she was doing, she didn’t know who was following her?”

Welcome to the 21st century – where we share everything with strangers and basically invite creepers to kill us ;)

“Actually, I don’t have email.”

LOL.

“These websites are like email on crack”.

Yup.

“Did Doris ever mention letting someone in her home?”

Nope.

“Bruno ... the dog. So he was a guard dog?”

Oh god. The poor puppy.

So he changed the photographs that told a story? Oh boy.

“Okay, JJ, I got it.”

“You see it?”

“Actually, yeah. Looks like he did try to hang something on the wall.”

Boom. My puppy is on top of things.

“There’s even a little residue left over.”

“Morgan.”

“Let me call you back.”

“Yeah, what do you got?”

“Hey, I got one up here, too.”

“What would he try to hang on that part of the wall?”

“Well, from here, I have an unobstructed view of the second floor and down the stairs.”

“It’s the same thing down here. You can see the entire entrance.”

“Cameras.”

Fuck.

“We think this is what he’s using to spy on his victims.”

Shit.

“They’re small, they’re cheap, and they’re easily hidden behind photos, books, plants.”

“The footage they record can be transmitted anywhere … website of your choice, even your cell phone.”

Fuck.

Meanwhile, my poodle investigates.

“And he can toggle between cameras to see everything that’s happening in the house.”

Oh dear lord.

“And you found five of these at different points in the house?”

“Upstairs, downstairs, bedroom, even the bath.”

Oh god, this dude is sick.

“A ruse gets him in the door, but it doesn’t buy him enough time to put up five of these.”

Nope.

“Once he learns their routine, all he has to do is pick the lock, put up the rest of the cameras, and boom, he got their whole life at his fingertips.”

Fuck.

“What does he do with the video? Maybe he keeps them?”

“If he’s voyeur, yes.”

And there they go again, making Derek say the sexiest things ever in the sickest connotation and it just infuriates me.

“Uh, voyeurs are rarely violent. Their excitement comes from spying without the object knowing they’re being watched.”

“And by abducting his victims, he’s removing the outlet of his sexual release. Reid is right.”

Duh. I mean, why is this even being put in question?

“We need to have Garcia dig the surveillance and illegal video websites.”

“I’m going to take this with us.”

“Why?”

“We originally profiled there wasn’t any facial similarity between the victims, but I’m not so sure that’s true.”

“I want to compare Doris’s picture with the other victims.”

Oh my smart poodle.

“These videos the unsub took, it looks like one of them he posted online, which may help me nab him.”

“If he puts it on the web, can’t you track that back directly to his computer?”

“Normally, yes. Normally, in like seventeen seconds I can get you the network he’s using, get a physical address,”

“And presto change-o, no more bad guy,”

“But this unsub is a creepy computer aficionado.”

Well, fuck.

“Do you guys know what a proxy server is?”

“It’s an internet relay.”

“Precisely. Kids use them to get around blocked sites.”

Fuck.

“Now, usually, one proxy is plenty, but this piece of work is using dozens of proxy servers.”

Shit.

“He’s bounced his signal off China, North Korea, Russia, South Africa …”

“Garcia, can you track him back to Boise?”

“Of course I can, and that’s what I’m doing. Time is the unfortunate ingredient I need, though.”

Fuck.

“This just in. Looks like one of the proxy servers archived what he was streaming on the night of Doris Archer’s disappearance.”

Shit.

“Can we see it?”

“Pulling it up now.”

“Well, Prentiss and Morgan were right. He knows the house.”

“Oh, please don’t hurt that doggie.”

I love you, my angel.

“The camera’s attached to him. It’s his point of view.”

Shit.

“So he can relive it over and over again.”

Double shit.

“Okay, can someone tell me when this is over?”

I love you.

“Please.”

“Not yet.”

Fuck.

“He’s tender to her.”

“She means more to him as a corpse than as a living person.”

Fuck.

“Garcia, we need to find the unsub’s network. Even if it’s a rough area, it’ll help narrow the geographic profile.”

“Yes, sir, that’s totally what I’m trying to figure out. Uh, there is something else kind of huge you need to know about.”

Oh fuck.

“Do you see this line of code there?”

“Yeah, what about them?”

“It allows the user admin, and in this case, the unsub, to set up a chat room.”

Fuck.

“People were watching this on the night of the murder.”

“We thought he was posting these after the act. He’s not.”

“He wants people to experience it with him.”

“He wants an audience.”

Shit.

I’m about to barf.

“He has fans.”

“Tip of the hat to his fans.”

Fuck.

“He knows they’re watching.”

“Classic narcissistic behavior.”

Pah. You know it.

“Hey, guys. Garcia’s got something for us.”

“Go ahead, baby girl.”

“Okay, friends, I have some good news, but first, here is the thing that sucks.”

“I located the network the unsub is using in Boise, and it is the victims’ own wireless.”

“So does he hack in before he starts with the murders.”

“Hacking is obscenely time-consuming.”

“I just make it look easy because I’m a genius.”

“But, he’s not me.”

Oh god, I love this woman.

“So my guess is that he’s got to lurk around their network for at least a couple of days to a week before he kills them.”

“Yeah, he knows when we follow his online paper trail it’ll lead us right back to the murder site.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Hackers are very loyal to their spoofing techniques, and if they think no one’s watching, they’ll use the same roads over and over.”

“Okay, so if he goes through Russia, Chine, and North Korea again …”

“I have flagged those servers, and if he uses them in the same order, I will catch him so fast.”

“That’s only going to help if he commits another murder.”

“Yes, that’s also true.”

Fuck.

“Excuse me.”

“Garcia, if he does stream this again, how much time will you need to find the network?”

“Oh, uh, that’s hard to guess with all the international pinging. I …”

“Ballpark.”

“Seven minutes?”

That’s fast.

“That’s not fast enough. He’s in and out of the house in five.”

Fuck.

“Oh, God. I’m going to have to trim my time down, then.”

I love how she just sets goals for herself, not even questioning her own abilities.

“Garcia, get it done.”

Hey! Not nice!

“JJ, we need to call a press conference.”

Oh god.

“I know what connects the victims.”

What?

“I was staring at pictures of the victims and I knew there was a pattern connecting them, but I couldn’t tell what it was until I broke it down mathematically.”

Oh my genius poodle.

“Why are we so drawn to celebrity faces?”

Says the guy who started out as a model XD

“Because there’s a symmetry to their beauty …”

Oh wow.

I never thought of it like that.

“The more balanced they are, the more appealing they are to our eye.”

“These women aren’t celebrities, though.”

Nope.

“But there are similarities between them, and it wasn’t until I scanned the pictures and got it to the guys at Quantico that I had a full breakdown.”

“All right, strip away eye color, hair color, and skin tone, and what are we left with geometrically?”

“They’re all slightly dystopian.”

Fuck.

“He might not even be aware that he sees it in them.”

“There have been studies that suggest that we pick our spouses subconsciously, based on a facial symmetry that we recognize.”

Damn.

“So consciously or unconsciously, when he recognizes it, he has to destroy it.”

Fuck.

“Maybe … they’re a reflection.”

“Remember what he did at the end of the video? He wiped the tear away.”

Fuck.

“Most of us take the internet for granted. We forget about texts that we share or updates we put on social networks. But the internet never forgets.”

Nope.

“Once it’s out there, it’s out there forever.”

“Now, we all know about the horrific deaths that get shown on the web.”

“Those murders are immortal. And this unsub craves that same immortality.”

“He recognizes his face on theirs and he kills them as a way of saying, ‘this is what I look like.’”

I wanna hurl.

“Fortunately for us, this means we have a good idea of what he looks like.”

Oh god. I hope they catch him fast.

“We overuse the term narcissistic in our culture, but we’re going back to the psychological definition. Every aspect of this man’s life has been constructed around an inflated sense of self.”

“Unsubs like this are particularly vulnerable to what’s called narcissistic injury.”

“If his self-worth is attacked or damaged, he will lash out.”

“Under no circumstances should you denigrate him.”

God, I hope they are careful.

JJ handling the press like a boss.

“Hotch.”

“Somebody leaked our profile.”

Fuck.

“Oh, you crafty little sicko.”

I love you, Garcia.

“Sir, it’s fantastic you called. I just figured out …”

“So, how are you doing on pinning down the network?”

Why are you interrupting my genius?

“Okay. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“Remember how I said he was spoofing his signal of different servers? Well, it turns out some of those are a decoy meant to waste my time.”

“So does that mean you can find him faster?”

“Totally. Totally. I can write a program that filters out the decoys …”

“Oh, crap.”

Are they allowed to say ‘crap’?

“Is that him?”

“Yeah. Okay, it looks like I’m gonna have to filter this on the fly.”

I love you.

“Can you send us the feed?”

“I can intercept it in Ukraine.”

“He’s going live.”

“Look at the way he’s moving. He’s not slow and deliberate. This guy’s pissed.”

“All right, what do we see? Determining markers.”

“A one-story cottage.”

Not helping.

“Is there a number on the house?”

“No, and he’s already at the door.”

Oh fuck.

“Garcia.”

“He’s using twice as many proxy servers.”

“Wait. This window here on the bottom … is that the chat room?”

Yup.

What happened?”

“Someone asked the wrong question at the press conference.”

“Oh, my god, turn around. Just turn around.”

“Maybe she can fend him off.”

“New kitchen appliances. Can we track them through work orders?”

“He’ll be gone by then.”

“Garcia, give us something.”

“I’m stateside now. I’m almost to Idaho. I just need more time.”

“You’re not gonna make it.”

“Yes, I will.”

Oh my determined goddess.

“Forget the unsub. can you run a trace on everybody in the chat room?”

“I can’t do both, sir. Let me do this.”

“Garcia, tag the viewers. That’s an order.”

Fuck.

Oh my horrified puppy.

“Baby girl, it’s gonna be okay.”

“No, no it’s not.”

“It’s bad enough that there’s been so much death around me, but this guy is all up in my turf. And he’s really good at what he does for really awful reasons.”

“That’s why you’re gonna find the perverts that watched it happen in that chat room.”

“And we’ll nail them to the wall and they’re gonna give up the unsub.”

“No, no, that is not good enough.”

“I want to watch him suffer.”

“I want to watch him bleed.”

WHAT?

“Oh, god. I just scared myself.”

And me.

“Good, that’s a good thing.”

Huh?

“Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way is the last person you want to tick off is Miss Penelope Garcia.”

Aww.

“That’s a compliment, right?”

“Yes, it is.”

Aw…

“We will beat this guy. Believe that.”

“Now, I’ll call you when we’ve got something.”

I love Derek Morgan beyond all measure.

“He was moving faster because he was angry.”

“So he rushed. Which means he made a mistake.”

“Well, it wasn’t the cameras. He remembered to take those with him.”

“It wasn’t the body. He took that with him, too.”

“Hey, did Garcia find anything unusual with Allison’s wireless?”

“No, records show that it was a basic DSL installation.”

“Hey, Prentiss.”

Ooh, my baby is onto something.

“What do you got?”

“You see this line right here?’

“This is what brings the internet from the street into the house.”

Oh snap.

“This isn’t DSL.”

Nope.

“It’s a fiber-optic cable. Completely different type of connection.”

“We just found his mistake.”

Boom.

“If there’s already an internet connection in the house, why does he bring his own with him? Is it the upload speed?”

“Fiber-optic allows him to stream large amounts of video. And maintain a chat room.”

Fuck.

“That’s dozens of computers connected to him at once.”

“He’d need a lot of bandwidth for something like that.”

Damn.

Let’s get the fuckers.

“FBI. We have a warrant.”

“This is a warrant for all the computers in your possession. You’re under arrest for accessory to murder.”

“Watching a murder happen online and doing nothing about it is a felony.”

So they’re at the place where the fucker got the cables.

“We think it’s an employee using your cable as a ruse to get into the house. Can you think of any …?”

“Mac Jones.”

Boom.

“We need his information.”

Yup.

“Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mac Jones.”

That’s a different dude.

“That’s because last year, Mr. Jones had his identity stolen.”

Frack.

“Now, I can’t tell you who the unsub is pretending to be now,”

“But since a picture’s worth a thousand databases, I can tell you who he was.”

“Robert Johnson, three-time loser, arrested for possession of torture videos.”

Ugh.

“Spent some time in a halfway house before he disappeared.”

“I found a blog of his online.”

“Here’s a quote … ‘Next time you won’t be able to stop me.’”

“That’s his narcissism again.”

“Garcia, is there a pattern to the identities that he steals?”

“No. he’s really disciplined about it. Once he burns through an identity, he never uses the same one again.”

“You know how I describe some suspects as being off the grid? This guy is totally the opposite.”

“He’s all over the grid. He’s manipulating the grid.”

“And he never stays in one place for very long.”

“So how do we find out who he is now?”

“I don’t think we’re going to. The man known as Robert Johnson is in the wind.”

Fuck.

“If he’s this flexible with his name, his real name, forget it.”

“But there is another way we can find him.”

Yes?

“His online name, his hacker handle. That’s the name that matters to him.”

“Wait. Wouldn’t he have hundreds of those, too?”

“Most definitely. But remember how I said hackers are loyal? They stick to certain names.”

“That’s how you identify yourself to other hackers.”

“That’s how the FBI caught me.”

And she’s so proud of it. Oh my lovely.

“So if we find the handle …”

“I’ll get you the unsub. I promise.”

“See, Scott, we think it was you.”

“And we found some pretty interesting movies in your hard drive to back up our theory.”

Ooh, my lovely tough guy.

“‘White girls can’t hump.’ That’s nice.””

Wow. The sarcasm.

“‘Schindler’s fist.’”

Oh god.

“See, this one right here, this is the one that got my attention.”

“The erotic awakenings of Sandy.’”

“How old was the girl in that video? What was she, twelve?” Fuck.

“I can explain”

Yeah right.

“Shut up!”

“This is what’s weird to me.”

Something specific is weird to you? Oh god.

“Most of your files were locked away, but not the child porn. We found it in like five minutes.”

“It wasn’t password-protected or anything.”

“How does someone who’s supposed to be so smart with computers do something so dumb?”

“Can we cut a deal?”

Ha. Yeah, right.

“Before this guy accepts you into the club … he gives you the illegal stuff. Kids. Torture.”

Oh god, I’m about to be sick.

“He has to know that you’re risking as much as he is. Mutually assured destruction.”

“You rat him out, he takes you with him.”

“What’s his name?”

“Don’t you try and play me, kid.”

“His online name.”

“Mrs. Prentiss.”

Ha.

“Agent Prentiss.”

To you, pervert.

“He sent out a message. He said tonight would be the best one yet.”

Oh fuck.

“What’s interesting, Mr. Chapman, the other two men we talked to, they had a form of collateral on their hard drive.”

“Hard-core pornography. Illegal. Rough.”

How is an old clueless grandpa getting involved in this shit?

So he knows the unsub because he came into his store? Oh dear, the poor dude.

“Do you believe him?”

“I believe he doesn’t fit the profile of the other voyeurs. They’re good with computers. They have hacking experience.”

“Garcia checked out the website. She said it’s crude. You can’t even order anything from it.”

“I got him.”

“Does he have his own network?”

“He doesn’t need one. He’s got a whole city to leech off of. He’s doing this again tonight.”

“Can you send me a list of networks he’s hacked recently?”

“I got twenty hits.”

“Filter out men and families. He only hits single women.”

“Eight left.”

“Garcia, do you have any pictures?”

“Coming your way.”

Boom.

My genius has her.

“You sure?” Oh come on.

“This is the FBI, we’re coming in.”

“She’s not here, but her car is.”

“It just went on by itself.”

Oh fuck.

“He’s recording us.”

“Garcia, the unsub is working off Lucy Masters’ network. Can you tell where the video’s being transmitted to?”

“I can’t tell. He’s not logged in as Watcher89. He’s not using any of the regular proxy servers.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know that this was him.”

“Damn it! He’s encrypted his connection to the proxies. There’s nothing I can do to help you find him.”

“What do we see?”

“Metal walls.”

“Wait a minute. Garcia, can you magnify the wall behind her?”

My goddess desperate to help.

“It’s a walk-in freezer.”

Fuck. He got it from the old geezer.

“We didn’t catch you by mistake, did we, Austin?”

“You gave him a place to hide the bodies.”

“When something goes out on the internet, it’s out there forever.”

“Now, you’re going to jail. That’s a foregone conclusion.”

“But unless you cooperate with me, I will do everything I can to make sure that the next time your grandkids google you, they will find out what kind of a monster grandpa really is.”

Oh damn.

First time I’m scared of Rossi.

 “Where is the freezer?”

They got him.

“We’re on our way.”

“Garcia, it’s been three minutes since the signal went up live. Lucy might not have that much time left.”

Stop pressuring my goddess.

“I can buy you some. Now that I have his physical address, I got my business all up in his.”

I love you.

“No, no, not today.”

XD

“Now, when your internet goes down, it ruins your whole day, doesn’t it, psycho?”

I love you, lady.

“Get off her!”

Get him!

“What do you see when you look at them?”

Why try and understand that fucker?

“Get him out of there.”

God.

Eric Schmidt: “The internet is the first thing humanity has built that humanity doesn’t understand, the largest experiment in anarchy that we have ever had.”

Whoa.

Not gonna bore you iwth any more verbiage, I think it’s pretty obvious my stance on the peisode. LOVED IT!

I’ll see you all tomorrow for the season finale of season five. HOLY SHIT! Where has the time gone to?