#*. I try to stay awake and remember my name but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same / v. bunker

[arthursfuckinghat]

Rip Arthur Morgan you would have loved Everybody's Changing by Keane

[my-chaos-radio]

Release: May 12, 2003

Lyrics:

You say, you wander your own land

But when I think about it, I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking

And I can see the pain in your eyes

Says Everybody's Changing, and I don't know why

So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

You're gone from here

Soon you will disappear, fading into beautiful light

'Cause Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel right

So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

Songwriter:

So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

Oh, Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

Timothy James Rice-oxley / Richard David Hughes / Tom Chaplin

SongFacts:

👉📖

Homepage:

Keane

[willianghostwriter]

"Trying to make a move just to stay in the game. I'm trying to stay awake and remember my name, but everybody's changing and I don't feel the same."

— Keane

[brightlight-dazzlingeyes]

love means nothing | chapter 01

leon goretzka x original female character [+18]

synopsis: 10 years ago, after winning wimbledon at the age of 18, olivia araujo was tennis's biggest rising star. she had a cosmopolitan social life, a handsome boyfriend and all the time in the world. now she was pushing 30, single, lonely and after several complicated injuries she could feel her career coming to an end. warnings: sports-typical violence; mentions of depression; angst; timeline of events are not based on real life; minors dni.

masterlist | next chapter

Chapter 01 | Everybody’s Changing

“Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same”

February, 2023, Lyon

Every sport has its own language, with every little detail about them having its own particular overcomplicated term. It helps to keep the normal people clueless and it makes us weirdos feel like we are better than everybody else. When explaining tennis to my normal friends the part they struggle the most is accepting the scoring nomenclature. So, let me try to explain it to you. A tennis match is divided in ‘sets’ and every set is divided in what we call ‘games’. To win a tennis match you need to win 2 sets, and to win a set you need to win at least 6 games. To win a game you need to score at least four points. The first point a player scores in a game is called fifteen; the second is called thirty; zero points is called Love. Why? I have no idea; it’s just the way it is. It’s a cute nickname. Basically, in tennis, Love means nothing.

I have been a professional tennis player for 10 years now. I heard every stupid pun and felt compelled to buy every stupid t-shirt related to the Love being zero thing. But now, alone in a 5 star hotel in France, the reality of the irony is weighing on me. You get used to hear it and I'm starting to think the corelation fucked up my head. I'm 28 and have been single for the past 5 years. To make the irony greater, I'm a singles specialist. In fact I haven't played in a doubles match for a couple seasons. For multiple reasons, my health being the main one. I had to prioritize. Can't play every tournament anymore, can't play all the categories.

It’s a life of sacrifices, being a pro athlete. That’s not news for me. But when you’re young what drives you is the belief it will all be worth it. It’s okay to skip college, lose friendships, miss your little sister’s birthdays– you’re doing it for a cause, for a passion. Because you already spent too much time in it, and you just can’t go back.

When youth fades the passion fades with it. The cause doesn’t feel as important anymore. The trophies don’t shine as bright. The cities you travel to are not as interesting. Or maybe it’s not an age thing. Maybe I'm just depressed. Or maybe it’s because my ankle is twice the size it should be. Another injury and it’s just the start of the season. I was playing Caroline Garcia in the Lyon Open semi final yesterday. She was defending like a lion and I was serving like I was 22 again. And then I slipped.

My week actually started pretty decently. I was in Paris, my favorite city in the world, having brunch with my dashing ex boyfriend. Sure, it didn’t go exactly as I planned, and he didn’t fall to my feet professing his love for me. If anything it was the other way around. You can’t blame me, Leon has changed so much since the last time we’ve met. He had just played against PSG for the Champions League round of 16, and before traveling back to Munich he agreed on having brunch together. We were staying at the same hotel and it was too much of a coincidence for me to let it pass. A once in a lifetime opportunity, really. In the past ten years of travel that didn’t happen once.

Leon and I dated for six months back when we were eighteen. That was a long time ago and we were young enough to be certain we were soulmates. We planned a beautiful wedding in Italy and two well-behaved children who would, naturally, become legends in our sports when they grew up. Well, none of that happened.

“You’re looking good.” He was being polite when he said that, and I was practically drooling for him. The man looked spectacular. I tried to behave in a friendly manner, it was brunch so it didn’t really feel like a date. 

“It’s been so long!”

“I know, I’m glad you texted. I had no idea you were in town.”

“To be fair, the entire Bayern Munich squad is a bit easier to spot. And I’m in Paris practicing, I’m only competing next week, in Lyon.”

“Oh, I see. I’ll make sure I’ll watch you on the tv.”

“I watched you last night! I was in the stadium.”

“Really?”

It was so strange being in the same room again. He looked amazing and sounded so mature. He was a grown man in front of me. So bizarre that I didn’t get to watch that change happen. We hugged when we said goodbye and it was so hard letting him go. We promised to keep in touch but I remember how that went last time.

Now, I’m lying in bed after my physio shoved as many anti-inflammatory down my throat as she was legally allowed. Tomorrow morning I’m back in Paris and we’ll run some tests. After the pills kick in and the pains get easier to deal with, it's the boredom that drives me crazy. Recently, when I’m feeling especially sorry for myself, I’ll google my own name. And there it was, first link! A condescending sky sports article about my injury.

The image reads: Olivia Araujo withdraws from Lyon Open due to ankle injury. Later, in the same article, there was a link to the tweet the Open posted.

The tweet reads: “Unfortunately, Araujo has withdrawn from the tournament due to injury ❤️‍🩹Thank you for the incredible play, Liv! Congrats to Garcia who moves through to the final!”

After the night reading and almost crashing my phone on the wall, I finally passed out from the pills.

***

“Say goodbye to Indian Wells.” Sara, my longtime physio and close friend, whistled. She was reading me the results of my exams.

“Never liked the desert anyway.”

“But if you behave we can get you to Miami! Or if you decide to take a vacation as I have been suggesting, you could just skip it and jump to the clay season.”

“Miami sounds like a vacation.”

“You know I can only get you 100% physically, right? The mental part, Liv, that’s not with me. But I can tell something's off with you.”

“Of course something is off with me, Sara, my ankle is all fucked up! Just get me fit and I’ll be fine. Promise.”

My phone becomes much more important than that conversation when Leon texts me. 

leon:

how did the exams go

feeling better?

:(

liv:

i’ll be fine to play miami next month

what are you up to

True to his words, Leon did watch me play and he did keep in touch. He sends me a pic of himself at the gym and I feel like dying. I’m still not sure if he’s flirting with me or what. I do know he’s single so at least it’s okay for me to thirst.

liv: you’re looking fit don’t make me jealous

leon: can’t help being young and healthy but seriously i do know how much it sucks to be injured you want to talk? i can call

I called him immediately after reading his text.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

We both giggle.

“I’m actually not upset anymore. It could be better, but it could be worse.”

“So you’re an optimist now? Since when?” I can practically see him smiling on the other side of the call.

“Don't sound so surprised, you changed a lot too.”

“Yes? How so?”

“You’re all buff now.” I’m blushing as I say it and he laughs.

“But that, I just showed you how I did it.”

“I didn’t turn into an optimist. I just went through worse, so I can’t be too bothered over a sprained ankle.”

“Trust me, I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

Those phone calls quickly became routine. I went back to Lisbon for my treatment, and the nostalgia hit me like a truck. Being in my family home while calling Leon and giggling hiding from my parents. It felt too much like being 18 again. For my parents, they couldn't see much of a change. They got used to me being here over the last couple of years. I don’t remember the last time I went over 6 months without an injury, and dealing with that in Lisbon was so much easier. My father, who’s my coach, and my physio Sara, both live here. The place I used to call home is now an abandoned apartment in Monte Carlo.

“At least it wasn’t your wrist.” My dad spoke nonchalantly over breakfast. I am the daughter of Fabio Araujo, still the best ranking male Portuguese tennis player in history, 20 years after his retirement. The best ranking Portuguese tennis player in all categories would be me. I’ve reached number 1 in both singles and doubles. But that was a long time ago, now I sit comfortably under the 100’s.

“Yes, at least it wasn’t my wrist. Could be worse, right?”

My mother was Eva Borges, she was a supermodel in the 90’s and was terribly disappointed when I decided to follow my dad’s steps. But she got lucky and around the same time she got pregnant again. My baby sister Chiara was a perfect copy of our mother. Mom’s obsessed with the idea of turning Chiara into a mini her. Making her a model, marrying her off to a rich man. It’s been working well for her so far.

“There’s someone I want you to meet.” Chiara said when I arrived. “He’s very handsome. His name is John.”

John was a puppy. A baby pug. We never got to have dogs when we were kids, our parents were too busy and didn’t really like animals. Now Chiara was 21 and had her own place. She seemed responsible enough for the job, unlike me at her age.

“I’m talking to Leon again.”

“The football player?”

“Yes. The football player.”

We’re in her bed and I show her pictures of him. The pictures he sends me.

“He’s so hitting on you.”

“Are you sure? I don’t know.” Chiara laughs when I say that.

“Well, I know. For sure.”

In my childhood room there’s a box with special items from my previous relationships. From Leon I’ve only kept two things: a Maroon 5 album he gifted me on our 3 month anniversary and a polaroid of us kissing. In the picture I was a blonde girl, baby cheeks being 90% of my face. At the time I also had a killer backhand that got lost along the way. Looking in the mirror I couldn't find a single trace of the girl in the brunette woman in front of me.

March, 2023, Key Biscayne

I was once a Grand Slam winner, now I'm out of the Miami Open after my first match. I got beaten 6-1, 6-2, in a 49 minute match. My physio blamed the injury and my father couldn’t really look me in the eye. He always gets like that when I lose. ‘Let’s go back to training.’ He’ll say tomorrow.

Florida is not an ideal place to be sad, at least not at this time of the year. The sun is shining too brightly and the palm trees are standing way too pretty for me to feel bad. Or guilty. I have been to the final of every Grand Slam. Wimbledon, I won twice. Roland Garros once. In hard courts there was only disappointment. Three years ago when I lost the Australian Open, I seriously considered retiring. The mental exhaustion of the sport became too much for me. So losing in Miami now isn’t exactly a tragedy. My ego has been bruised for a while.

So why keep going? I don’t know what else to do. Tennis is my life, is all I know. I can’t imagine starting over, and I do know the time for retirement will come no matter what. There’s nothing I can do to avoid it. I understand my father a lot better now, he made an heir, he taught me his trade, and now he still has a taste of the life he used to live. Maybe that’s what I should do. Pop a baby, repeat the cycle.

Back in the hotel room the realization of the loss hits me. I feel like crying. Or maybe punching someone would help too. Instead, I text Leon.

liv: i lost again and i’m in florida, that’s the worst part this place is awful leon: let’s meet up let’s have dinner together

[isfjmel-phleg]

Indirectly tagged by @brown-little-robin to make "a playlist to represent your current era." And while "era" seems to me an overly important way to put it for an ordinary person just trying to survive, here's what I've got. You're now in on my angsty music. Sorry. It's been a weird year.

The Show - Lenka

So, life is overwhelming.

Slow it down, make it stop Or else my heart is going to pop 'Cause it's too much, yeah, it's a lot To be something I'm not

Everybody's Changing - Keane

And stuff happens outside your control, and it's not great, and you just have to suffer through it.

So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move just to stay in the game I try to stay awake and remember my name But everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same

Pressure - Billy Joel

...and you're on your own with this. It's not something that you can make too public. Still hurts though.

Don't ask for help, you're all alone Pressure You'll have to answer to your own Pressure I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale But here you are in the ninth Two men out and three men on Nowhere to look but inside Where we all respond to Pressure

Surface Pressure - Encanto soundtrack

Can't let the family down.

Give it to your sister and never wonder If the same pressure would've pulled you under Who am I if I don't have what it takes? No cracks, no breaks No mistakes, no pressure

Human - Christina Perri

The emotions are not the socially correct ones and must be suppressed. This is manageable--sometimes the emotions just shut themselves off! you feel nothing! it's fantastic!--but not sustainable long-term.

I can fake a smile I can force a laugh I can dance and play the part If that's what you ask Give you all I am [...]

But I'm only human And I bleed when I fall down I'm only human And I crash and I break down Your words in my head, knives in my heart You build me up and then I fall apart 'Cause I'm only human

Sunday Will Never Be the Same - Spanky & Our Gang

Some changes are good. Some are the worst.

Sunny afternoons that made me feel so warm inside Have turned as cold and gray as ashes As I feel the embers die No longer can I walk these paths, for they have changed I must be home, the sun is gone, and I think it's gonna rain

Love Is Blue - Marty Robbins

This is meant to be a romantic song. I'm not taking it that way.

Blue, blue, my world is blue Blue is my world since I'm without you Gray, gray, my life is gray Cold is my heart since you went away

Running Up That Hill - Kate Bush

At the risk of being a cliche...but there's a reason this song took off in popularity. It's A Mood. Everything would be so much easier if you could somehow make people understand where you're coming from.

You don't wanna hurt me But see how deep the bullet lies Unaware I'm tearing you asunder Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts

Is there so much hate for the ones we love? Oh, tell me, we both matter, don't we? You, it's you and me It's you and me won't be unhappy

So Far Away - Carole King

People I love do not live near me. This is normal, but not always easy to handle.

But you're so far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door Doesn't help to know You're so far away

A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton

Sometimes people are far away and it's easy to feel like they don't care anymore.

It's always times like these when I think of you And wonder if you ever think of me 'Cause everything's so wrong, and I don't belong Living in your precious memory

'Cause I need you And I miss you

Wish That You Were Here - Florence + The Machine

Sometimes the distance isn't just physical.

And I never minded being on my own Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home To be where you are But even closer to you, you seem so very far

The River of Dreams - Billy Joel

I think about this lyric every night while trying to get in the last of my steps :P But seriously, it works in a metaphorical sense too.

I don't know why I go walking at night But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore

Far Away Places - Margaret Whiting

There are moods when you just want to GO, escape, somewhere that's not here. Maybe you finally get the chance. Maybe you don't after all.

I start getting restless whenever I hear the whistle of a train I pray for the day I can get underway And look for those castles in Spain

Anything I'm Not - Lenka

When is the upgrade going to arrive? Because the current model isn't working out for people.

Gimme a break A little escape I am so tired Of being me I wanna be free I wanna be new And different Anything I'm not

I Am Not a Robot - Marina

Cold and heartless and incapable of love (yet somehow also an emotional wreck) but it can be nice to hear that maybe that's not totally true.

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable You are not a robot You're lovable, so lovable But you're just troubled

One - Sleeping at Last

Look, it's my Enneagram song, coming for my entire existence.

The list goes on forever Of all the ways I could be better, in my mind As if I could earn God's favor, given time Or at least congratulations

Loser Like Me - Sixpence None the Richer

Sometimes people are nicer than they should be, and it's a lot to take in.

You know I need All the love you give A loser like me I just don't know why you would Give it for free When I don't deserve it

Somewhere Only We Know - Lily Allen

It's about the desire to connect, you know?

And if you have a minute, why don't we go Talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything So, why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

Long Long Journey - Enya

There are bright spots, and for a time the distance doesn't exist anymore.

Long, long journey Out of nowhere, Long, long way to go; But what are sighs And what is sadness To the heart that's coming home?

[neutronstcr]

♫ + tiago

song meme.

Vou te copiar e fazer uma música por temporada, porque eu não sou original e porque é basicamente impossível colocar em três minutos o que esse homem passou em duas temporadas e meia.

season one — clocks, by coldplay.

The lights go out and I can't be saved Tides that I tried to swim against Have brought me down upon my knees Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing Come out of the things unsaid Shoot an apple off my head and a Trouble that can't be named A tiger's waiting to be tamed, singing

season two — new romantics, by taylor swift.

'Cause baby, I could build a castle (castle) Out of all the bricks they threw at me And every day is like a battle But every night with us is like a dream Baby, we're the new romantics Come on, come along with me Heartbreak is the national anthem We sing it proudly

liberta, mini campanha — stand up by the cab.

They had tongues like guns I had nowhere to run Yeah, this world can get so lonely Yeah, the paper and pen Were my two best friends 'Cause the sad songs understood me

The irony and all my dreams were keeping me from sleeping Because there's something so fun being young and being dumb 'Cause you're not afraid of feeling

All of my demons are kicking and screaming But I'll never leave them behind Yeah, maybe I'm crazy but don't try to save me 'Cause I've never felt so alive

season three, the beginning — everybody's changing by keane.

You're aching, you're breaking And I can see the pain in your eyes Says Everybody's Changing, and I don't know why So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move just to stay in the game I try to stay awake and remember my name But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

[mahoganyburgundy]

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

~

Güne bir şarkı 🌸

𝓐

[corashee]

You say, you wander your own land

But when I think about it, I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking

And I can see the pain in your eyes

Says Everybody's Changing, and I don't know why

So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

You're gone from here

Soon you will disappear, fading into beautiful light

'Cause Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel right

[inibukankacangsukro]

So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

And I don't feel the same

#keane #everybody'schanging

[rainkilled]

@ellaofskaikru

“You are not going back out there.” He growled at her, knowing that some of them would want to. Hell, he wanted to. If anyone went, Peter would be alongside them. But no. Not Ella. He shrugged her bloody hands off his injured arm with a sharp look. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Other’s need you more right now, Ella.” He understood that she wanted to look after him, but the bullet in his shoulder was unlikely to be fatal, meanwhile others were quickly loosing their lives. “Please, Ella, Just let me be and help Jackson. He needs as many hands as he can get.”

[new-day-new-lyric]

"So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move just to stay in the game, I Try to stay awake and remember my name, but Everybody's changing And I don't feel the same"

[myinfinitystory]

So little time, try to understand that I'm

trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

but everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same

[delaber]

Can’t Have Your Cake and Another Cake Too

Rafael Casal x Reader

Note: Okay, I’ll stop breaking Rafa’s heart now... Last time, I swear! Thanks for the prompts to these lovely anons. Alhough this is not a prequel to Poetic Justice (Rafa x ER Nurse), poor Rafa’s facing some of the same issues. I very loosely based this story on J. Cole’s Kevin’s Heart (don’t know why I’m always incorporating J. Cole into my fics, but apparently he’s always lurking in the back of my mind) and Phlake’s So Faded. Let me know what you think!

Words: 4.7K

Warnings: Cocaine addiction! Does not have a happy ending (nobody ODs and nobody’s dying ...Only on the inside lol)

Tagging: No one! This might not be for everybody and I don’t want anybody to feel forced to read it 😌

It was supposed to be a great night out. The entire gang was there, and at the instigation of Diggs, Rafa was supposed to be on the prowl to get laid so he could take his mind off of his broken heart.

From his seat in the booth, Rafa had a fairly good view of the dance floor and he had already spotted a few honeys who likewise had acknowledged him by smiling and sending him a couple of long looks. One of them had even twirled her hair between her fingers while blowing him a kiss. He had the green light, all systems were go!

However, of all the things that could've thrown him off his game, Rafa would not have placed a single bet on a phone call. But the minute he pulled out his vibrating phone and checked the caller ID, both the group of honeys on the dance floor and his friends occupying the seats all around him were completely forgotten. Nothing else mattered anymore.

He stared at the screen for a while, reading the name over and over again. What the fuck was Morris calling him for? Rafa had told him to stop. Morris knew he was too weak to say no even though he had promised his girl that he'd stop for good.

...Or, you weren't his girl. Not anymore.

But Rafa was still determined to win you back no matter if you had stopped answering his phone calls or not, so he took a tough decision and pressed the decline button beneath Morris' name. He even contemplated putting his phone on flight-mode to remove all unwelcome temptations - he knew you'd never take him back if he fell back in - yet, for some reason taking himself off the grid was easier said than done, and before he had pulled himself together to actually press the little airplane button, a text from Morris had ticked in. It only consisted of two words but Rafa understood perfectly.

'New candy.'

Fuck... Rafa considered the pros and cons of accepting for a few milliseconds before he came to his senses. No, no, no. The only way he'd ever win you back would be by showing you that he could stay sober even after your break-up. Morris could fuck off! As if awaking from a trance, Rafa hurriedly put his phone back in his pocket and desperately tried to forget about Morris' enticing offer by telling himself that he was strong enough to shake it.

...although deep down, he was aware that it was already too late. That no matter what, he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it now. And no matter how hard he tried to re-focus on the honeys on the dance floor and tell himself how stupid it was to hit Morris up, it was no use, the damage was done; he was desperate to get high!

Deeply, horribly ashamed of himself, Rafa texted Morris the address of the club and impatiently waited a couple of minutes before he walked outside with heavy footsteps. It felt as if he was walking to the gallows, the shame eating him up from the inside. You'd be so disappointed in him!

However, in order to make himself accept what he was about to do, he reminded himself that apparently, you didn't care if he was high or not. If you did, you would've returned his phone calls, and you would've reacted to the fact that he had been sober for three weeks now - but you hadn't. And with that in mind, Rafa managed to push away most of the shame as he laid eyes on Morris' sketchy Subaru parked by the curb on the other side of the road. He walked across the street with determined footsteps, carefully looking over his shoulder to check if anybody he knew were watching him approach what was clearly a dealer's car.

"What's up, bruh!" Morris called as he rolled down his window. He was wearing sunglasses, looking like an absolute turd in the dark night.

Rafa put his arms on the car's beltline and shot Morris a bro handshake through the open window, "what the fuck are you wearing sunglasses at night for? You look like a dick."

"Nah, man, it looks cool," Morris laughed, "do you like them? Hell, you should like them - you paid for them."

"What do you mean I paid for them?"

"With the amount of money you spend in my shop, I think it's safe to assume that you paid for these sunglasses and the rims on the ride too," Morris snorted.

"Yeah, about that," Rafa looked away, the embarrassment slowly creeping up his spine again, "you gotta stop calling me."

"You said that last time as well but look at you now," Morris laughed.

"Come on man, it's important that I stop."

"You don't wanna stop though."

Rafa let out a sigh, "look, I'm trying to prove something to my girlf- ...ex-girlfriend."

"A'ight, I respect that," Morris nodded slowly but then he quickly continued, "so did you just call me here to pin your lady troubles on me? Cause I have a customer waiting up on Seventh Ave."

Rafa blew out some air, embarrassed by the decision he was about to make.

"...Or do you wanna buy?" Morris continued as he read Rafa's body language.

"...you're not gonna tell Diggs are you?"

"Do I look like a fucking snitch?" Morris looked offended, "and you know me and Diggs don't talk no more."

"Yeah, alright. This stays between us, okay? If word gets out, I'm fucked."

"A'ight bruh," Morris laughed, "Now, how much do you need?"

"Just... just give me an eightball," Rafa mumbled.

Morris let out a small laugh, "an eightball? Man, you're not about to quit," he chuckled and handed Rafa a zip-lock bag with white powder in it.

"Shut up," Rafa mumbled and pocketed the baggie, "how much?"

"Rafa, you're my man, so I'mma give you a discount because I feel bad for you and your girl. Three hundo."

"Three hundred?! Last time it was two-eighty without the discount."

"Times are changing. I haven't seen you in three weeks, man. Plus, this is a good batch," Morris poked Rafa in the chest, "my contact got it shipped in directly from Medellín. Look, it got fish scale and everything!"

"You better not fuck me over," Rafa muttered and threw Morris three hundred-dollar bills before he turned away from him with an annoyed huff.

"Pleasure doing business as always, Casal! See you next weekend!" Morris yelled after Rafa with a small laugh, apparently not a care in the world for who knew about their illegal transaction.

"Fucking idiot," Rafa muttered to himself without turning around. He had more important things to do than to scold Morris about his indiscretion.

Rafa hurried to the restroom and carefully locked the door behind him before he frantically pulled out the zip-lock bag. He examined its contents and saw the pearl-like surface that Morris had talked about - Fuck it looked good! He opened the bag carefully but froze when he caught his own reflection in the bathroom mirror; the loving look he was sending the bag of coke was sickening. It made his stomach plummet. Had he really been reduced to snorting coke alone in a dirty bathroom of a sketchy club? He remembered when it had been a group activity. Before he couldn't control it.

Shake it off! He told himself. He had every intention of stopping after tonight. This would be the last time.

You said that last time as well, a small voice rang in the back of his head, but he ignored his guilty conscience and instead poured out a small pile of the pearl-like coke on top of the hand dryer. Quickly, he pulled out a random card from his wallet and used it to form two heavy lines. Before his guilty conscience could interfere again, he also grabbed a one-dollar bill that he neatly rolled into a small tube and put between his right nostril and one of the white lines, ready for the rush. His gaze, however, lingered on the random card he had used to break the coke into lines; it was his fucking rewards card for the small organic, artisan shit coffee house that you liked. What wouldn't you say if you knew what he was doing? In his mind's eye, he could see the disappointed look you always sent him whenever he'd come home all hyped up, rambling his mouth off. You never got angry with him and his love of coke, but somehow your disappointed demeanour was way worse. He would've taken screaming and yelling over the disappointed stare and the slow shake of your head any day.

Slowly, he removed the dollar-bill from his nostril, stood up straight and met his own eyes in the mirror again - and for a moment, he could truly see how pathetic he was. What the hell was he doing? He was throwing away his last shot at getting you back - and for what? A few hours of euphoria and confidence?

But she doesn't want you back, a small voice rang inside his head, you called, and you called, and you called. You declared yourself clean to her voicemail and she still didn't reach out. Fuck her!

"Yeah, fuck her," Rafa mumbled before he put the dollar-bill back to his nostril. Quickly, he snorted both lines of coke, shooting his head back afterwards, sniffling a bit as he cleaned his nose with the back of his hand. He knew he only had a couple of minutes before the euphoria kicked in, so he quickly brushed off the dollar-bill and the rewards card and tugged them both back in his wallet. The remainder of the coke was stowed away in his shirt's breast pocket for safe keeping.

Ready for the rush, Rafa was impatiently staring at himself in the mirror. He was thinking about how to avoid Diggs and his condescending looks for the duration of his high, when he was finally overwhelmed by the familiar fuzzy feeling. It came out of nowhere and started behind his eyeballs and continued all the way down to his toenails. It felt as if someone had pulled a large, fluffy blanket down over him, and it was slowly heating up his body, making him feel safe and secure. His pulse quickened in time with his breathing, and he had to close his eyes to get himself under control. He felt fucking powerful! Morris had not lied about this coming from a good batch. "Shit, Morris," he laughed.

There was a knock on the door, and Rafa remembered that he had occupied the men's room for a good five minutes now. He took a last look at his suddenly hazed eyes, aware that no matter how hard he tried to hide it, anyone could see that he was high as a kite. He contemplated riding out his high alone in the bathroom but also knew that with the amount of energy present in his body, he couldn't stay in the small restroom all night. He had to dance! To fuck! To fight!

With a suddenly confident bounce in his step, he opened the door, and sent the guy in line what he hoped was an apologetic nod before he confidently strode towards the honeys on the dance floor.

"Hey Rafa!" he heard someone yell behind him.

Hoping it was someone who wanted to fight, Rafa quickly turned around but was slightly disappointed to see Diggs coming towards him with a huge grin on his face. Shit! Rafa realised that he had to act nonchalant around his best friend. Diggs absolutely couldn't know about the coke in his breast pocket, or he'd be all up in Rafa's face about it.

"Diiiiiggs! My man!" Rafa yelled overly excited, clearly very, very high.

Diggs shot him a look at his weird behaviour before he continued, "where've you been, man? I've been looking for you everywhere."

"R-r-r-r-r-r-r-rrrrrrrestroom," Rafa laughed, he was too happy to pretend otherwise.

"Why are you saying it like th-" the huge grin was slowly slipping from Diggs' face, "...hey, Rafa - look at me," Diggs suddenly sounded all serious as he took Rafa's face in his hands, carefully examining his features, "Rafa, look at me."

Rafa let out a low chuckle, "Diggs, you know I think you're handsome and all that, but I don't like you that way," he joked.

"You're being weird," Diggs furrowed his eyebrows, "- and your pupils are huge. Have you been doing lines in the bathroom?"

"Maybe," Rafa laughed, unable to stop himself from revealing his dirty little secret, "why? You want some? I still have a few hits left," he padded his breast pocket.

"You know I don't do that shit anymore..." Diggs let go of Rafa with a sigh and looked away from him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you're a fucking saint now," Rafa said a bit more harshly than he had intended to. Ever since Diggs had met Emmy, he had been boring as hell.

Diggs chose not to comment on Rafa's low blow, and managed to keep his calm, "I thought you'd stopped, bruh."

"Morris made me an offer I couldn't refuse," Rafa laughed in an accent halfway between Tony Montana and Vito Corleone.

"Yeah well, I'm not the only one who thought you were done fucking around," Diggs said seriously. He was having none of Rafa's jokes, "I just saw your girl downstairs. She wants to talk to you."

It took a few seconds before Rafa understood, but when he finally grasped Diggs' words, he felt the blood drain from his face and his mouth run dry, "what? No, you're kidding me..."

"Nope," Diggs sighed, "I've been running around trying to find you for fifteen minutes..."

"Shit! What the fuck do I do?" Rafa said in a panicked voice, licking his lips frantically, "I told her I was sober! If she sees me like this, she'll never take me back."

"Yeah, well you better pray that you don't run into her."

Rafa ran his hand through his hair, "fuck I'm screwed. She's downstairs?"

"Was fifteen minutes ago."

"Alright, I'm jumping out this window. You stall her, tell her that I got sick or something."

"You can't jump out this window?" Diggs said incredulously, "we're 50 feet up, if you do that, you die! Just walk out the doo- ...oh shit, dude, we're blown. She's here. She's coming over."

"Fuck! Can I still bolt?"

"Of course not!"

"Well how do I look? Alright?"

"You look-" Diggs cut himself off, "...maybe just try and avoid her looking into your eyes, okay?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?"

"The light in here's paying you a favour but apart from that you're gonna have to pull yourself together. You brought this upon yourself," Diggs said harshly before his demeanour changed completely as his eyes interlocked with yours over Rafa's shoulder, "heeeeey," he smiled broadly, "look who I found."

Rafa slowly turned around and met you. Your stunning beauty - as always - immediately knocking him to the ground. He couldn't believe that it had been four weeks since the last time he'd seen you. He'd do anything to get you back!

"Rafa," you nodded formally with a stiff face. Rafa couldn't help but make a mental note on how weird it was to see you without a smile on your lips. You were normally always so happy. He had done this, he reminded himself.

"Hey baby," he whispered, the words weirdly familiar in his throat.

You briefly raised your eyebrows while looking away from him, clearly uncomfortable by the sound of your old pet name.

"Sorry," he continued, "force of habit. ...I'm just happy to see you."

Your gaze slowly found his face, and Rafa prayed that you couldn't see his coke-eyes from where you were standing.

"Well..." you said and clicked your tongue, "I'd like to talk to you."

"I'd like to talk to you too," Rafa said quietly.

"And you're sober? Like you said on my voicemail?"

"Yes," Rafa breathed, "completely sober," he lied thickly, hyper-aware of how awkward it was with Diggs shuffling nervously beside him. He was uncomfortably rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"Good," you finally let out a small smile, "do you want to sit down?"

"Yeah," Rafa nodded.

"Yeah, I'll - uh - I'll leave you to it," Diggs cleared his throat and padded Rafa between the shoulder blades as a way of wishing him good luck.

"Thanks man," Rafa muttered before he followed you down to a vacant booth in the corner of the room. Instead of sitting down opposite you, he made sure to occupy the seat next to you, hoping that it would minimise the risk of you looking into his eyes. He just had to pretend that he was sober until the high quieted down. Fourty-five more minutes - Less if he was lucky.

"So, how've you been?" You said quietly as you were both overlooking the dance floor, avoiding looking directly at each other.

"Not good," Rafa said quietly, "like shit, actually... how about you?"

"Yeah, well I guess 'shit' sums it up neatly... How's sober life?"

"Oh, it's - yeah - it's - it's great!" He said, the lie thick in his throat, "I feel so much better now." He knew how much he had hurt you, and he knew how difficult it must be for you to face him after you'd said that you never wanted to see him again - which just really only made his lying so much worse. Fuck, how he hated himself for what he had done. What he was still doing.

Your eyes darted across his face before your gaze settled on a spot just below his chin. He was relieved that you weren't staring him square in the eyes. "I was so happy to hear your voicemail," you whispered, "you really flushed your stash?"

"Yes," he croaked.

"I'm glad that you're finally taking care of yourself," he couldn't make out your face in the dark but he could hear a hint of happiness to your voice that you were clearly trying to suppress. It made him feel horrible.

"Yeah, I want to stay sober for you," he said slowly. At least that wasn't a lie.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me," you said quietly, the happiness definitely shining through now.

Rafa's heart was fluttering in his chest, and he felt the coke-induced euphoria run amok in his brain, "...does that mean you'll forgive me?" All his senses were heightened.

"It's a step in the right direction" you said quietly, still not looking directly at him, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too baby," Rafa said quietly and boldly took your hand in his.

Finally, you looked up at him, and to avoid you noticing his bloodshot eyes with the dilated pupils, he took a quick decision, leaned in and crashed his lips against yours.

Luckily, you mistook his desperation for passion and fiercely kissed him back, your hand releasing itself from his, and instead caressing his neck. In-between kisses you managed to mumble, "I'm still... mad... at you."

"I know," Rafa mumbled, enjoying the familiar feeling of your lips against his. Your hands switched to caressing his torso, and your small fingers travelled over his stomach and up his chest, coming to a halt over his heart. It was racing against his ribcage and he had no idea whether it was due to the coke or due to the heap of emotions he felt in his chest. He couldn't believe he was kissing you again. He had completely written it off no more than half an hour ago.

Your right hand moved away from his heart but came to a sudden halt when you felt a small bump in Rafa's breast pocket. Still kissing him, you ran your fingers over the bump a few times before you remembered that it was where he always kept his coke. Quickly, you pulled your lips away from his.

"Wait, no, don't take kissing away from me," he hummed, completely unaware of the discovery you'd just done.

You were looking at his euphoric face with the closed eyes and the swollen lips as you moved your hand over his breast pocket once more.

When Rafa realised what was going on his eyes flew open and he spluttered, "it isn't what you think!"

But he was too slow to react, and before he had had the chance to move away, your fingers went inside his breast pocket and grabbed the small bag from there. "You've got to be kidding me!" You said angrily as you held his coke between your fingertips.

"Baby, I can explain," Rafa said quickly while desperately grabbing your wrist.

"Rafa, you fucking idiot! Don't touch me!" You wrestled yourself out of his grip, got up from your seat, and fast-paced towards the door.

"Baby! Baby!" Rafa yelled out as he ran after you.

"Don't touch me!" You cried, attracting the attention of everyone in your path.

You stormed out the door, Rafa at your heel desperately clinging to every inch of you that he could reach. When you reached the curb outside, he finally managed to run up in front of you, stopping you in your tracks, "baby, I can explain!" He said desperately.

"You said you'd flushed it all!" You were screaming at him now, the tears running down your face.

"It was a mistake, baby, I swear I didn't mean to. I flushed it all, I promise. It's just a setback."

"When did you buy this, Rafa?" You said through gritted teeth, "how long did you manage to stay sober before you decided you wanted to throw it all away?"

Rafa looked away from you, he was so embarrassed by himself, "Morris called and I tried to say no, I really did! Baby, I tried so hard to resist it. But he was persistent."

"Well, did he force you to buy?" You hissed. You were having none of his excuses.

"...No." Rafa admitted.

"When did you buy it?" You emphasised every word, "before or after you called me last weekend?"

"After..."

"When? How long after? When did you have your setback?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes! I need to know if you did it because you were physically craving it, because you just felt like getting high, or if you did it because you’d thrown the thought of us away when I didn’t answer you.”

"I tried to fight it, I swear I tried to fight it," he was getting choked up.

"Rafa, tell me when you bought it."

He considered shooting you a lie but he didn't want to fuck up any more. "I bought it tonight..." he finally muttered under his breath, avoiding your gaze.

"You're not serious!! You bought it tonight?" You bellowed, "are you trying to tell me that you planned on throwing away your soberness tonight? That if I hadn't shown up, you'd be high as balls right now?"

Rafa didn't say anything, he just looked at you with huge eyes, the embarrassment evident on his face - and first then did you notice his blood-shot eyeballs with the abnormally large pupils that had taken over most of the green that was normally present.

"No..." you whispered when you realised, "no, no, no..." you groaned quietly, clutching your chest, "you're high right now?" The heartbreak was evident in your voice.

Rafa sent you a pained look. He fucking hated himself.

"You're high..." You stated in a whisper, the tears were streaming down your face, "you lied."

He had broken your heart. Again.

"I - I didn't mean to," he croaked, "I was just so happy to see you. I knew you wouldn't want to talk to me if I told you the truth."

"So you planned on telling me when?"

"I don't know," he croaked, "I didn't think it through. I've been sober for three weeks. Tonight's just a small setback. Baby, I swear, I'll block Morris and I'll flush this baggie right now if I can just get you back," Rafa was begging, “I’ll stop if you tell me to!”

"Rafa, how many times do I have to tell you," you cried, "You have to stop because you want to. Not because I tell you to stop! I don't care about the snorting! I don't care that you party and get high! You've done lines of my tits several times for God's sake! But I can't live with the constant lying that has become part of it!"

Fuck, Rafa knew what you were building to. His life's biggest mistake. He had it coming, he knew it. He deserved it. He was a fucking cheating coke-head and he hated it. "Please don't bring it up," he sobbed.

You didn't listen to him. You had to confront him with it because he clearly hadn't understood. "Rafa, you fucked another girl! And you were so high that you didn't even realise it! And when you woke up the next day and saw what you'd done, you lied about your whereabouts and the fact that you'd been high as fuck! I had to learn about it through her!" You were sobbing, "...and instead of staying home and comforting me, you lied about having to go to the studio, and you met up with Morris and you got high! Again! If knowing that you're breaking my heart with your constant lies doesn't make you want to quit, I'm not sure what will."

"I want to stop!" he sobbed. He had never felt so horrible before, "I love you, I want to be with you," he sniffled and took your hand, "please give me another chance! I'll stop snorting. I'll stop lying. I'll do anything for you."

It looked as if you were contemplating his words but the look in your eyes darkened suddenly and you let out a whisper, "no Rafa!" as you pulled your hand away from his.

"Baby, please!" He pleaded desperately, "I love you."

"You love coke more," you whispered.

"I have a problem," Rafa tried desperately, "I know. I can't stop. But I'll get help. I'll do whatever you want me to do!"

"Rafa, if you stop snorting because I tell you to stop, it will never last! You love getting high!"

"That's not true... it's pathetic," he cried.

"Rafa, honey,” you said quietly, “- ask yourself this; would you be throwing away this baggie and deleting Morris' number if I wasn't leaving you because of it?"

"Yes," he croaked immediately.

You took a deep breath of air, hurt written all over your face, "Love," you sighed desperately as a fresh wave of tears started streaming down your face, "you're lying again..." you sobbed, and put the baggie in the palm of his hand and folded his fingers around it.

"I'm flushing it," he croaked.

"Do whatever you want," you whispered and looked him in the eye, "We're not together anymore. I'm done - it's over,” you said as you slowly turned around and started walking away from him.

“No, no, no! Please come back!”

“No Rafa… This time I'm serious,” you said before you started walking again.

This time, Rafa didn't run after you. He just watched you walk further and further away from him as your hands dried the tears off of your face every two seconds. He imagined you stopping, imagined the hurt look you'd send him. How he'd run over to you and take you in his arms. Imagined how he'd apologise and you'd both hug and cry and kiss it out. But you didn't stop. You didn't send him any look at all. And he didn’t run to you, he was glued to the pavement.

He stood as if frozen in time and looked after you even long after you'd disappeared around the corner. Suddenly, however, he noticed that he was still clutching the baggie in his closed fist. Slowly, he opened the palm to reveal the beautiful mother-of-pearl-coloured powder. He contemplated dropping it down the gutter next to him. It would all be so easy.

But instead, he closed his fingers around it and pocketed it right above his broken heart. It would help relieve the terrible thunder that he felt rolling over him. It brought along a storm of emotions. A hurricane of regrets. And he was desperate to get high.

[mcu-things]

Wandavision episode 7 detailed anylise+ some theories

The new episode left us more questions, but we still recieved some answers. The episode was full with interesting details so let's start with the beginning

This episode's intro was inspired by a TV show Happy endings and theme music and interviews with the characters inspired by the Office

One theory that I had in my head just like very other fan was that Agnes the neighbor was actually Agatha Harkness *shocked* (no). But is she actually the main villain?

Many noticed that during the whole show Agatha acted weird and now turns out that she's actually a which. She says that she's responsible for everything that happens in town but I don't believe it

In the comics Agatha Harkness wasn't a bad character. She was Wanda's mentor. I don't know how Marvel is going to show her in their universe but during the whole show she kept mentioning her husband- Ralph. Now that's the actual villain here

I believe that this mysterious Ralph is actually Mephisto or some other demon. Agatha probably made a deal with him and now is working for him. And here's why Agnes and Ralph actually need Wanda

This. This is the darkhold. And this book is very important.

In the comics darkhold was a book that contained the magic of a creature named Chthon, aka the primal evil that was created before humanity. He was banished from our world but there was a whole cult that wanted to bring him back. And maybe that's Agatha's or Mephisto's actual goal. They want to summon Chthon back to Earth and they need Wanda for that

Also an interesting fact, in comics Chthon actually possessed Pietro Maximoff. I don't think that Marvel is going to pull that off but that's pretty interesting

About Quicksilver. He's not Mephisto and now we know it for sure. Look at this

We can clearly see that Agatha controlled him. Why would she control him if that was Mephisto? He could've done everything himself, he's a very powerful demon

Now I think that this Pietro is actually Peter Maximoff from the X-men. He was pulled out of his universe and brainwashed by Agatha so that she could manipulate Wanda through him. But in episode 6 when Wanda uses her magic on Pietro he breaks free from Agatha's charm. I believe he, just like Vision, doesn't remember anything before Westview. But he's on the good side now and here's why

In the post credit scene Monica looks around and finds Agatha's basement. Now look at her eyes. They're purple. Agatha already started to control her too and Monica was ready to go to the basement when she was stopped by Pietro. Why would he stop her from going there if he was with Agatha? He basically saved her here. Marvel once again is trying to confuse us by making Pietro look like a villain. He's going to play his own role and I hope Evan Peters will stay in MCU

But what's up with Monica?

We now know that she has superpowers that she received from Wanda

In comics she was a superhero named Phaton or Spectrum. In wandavision her powers is basically all about energy: she can feel and control it. It's all obvious, she's a superhero now

More interesting is how she got those powers? By walking through Wanda's layer or portal or whatever it is. Wanda basically had awoken Monica's powers and this is a good start for Mutants in MCU. What of Wanda can awake the powers people already have and Monica became the first mutant in the MCU?

I'm very concerned about twins. They both now have superpowers: Tommy is Speed and Billy is Wiccan, just like in comics. Billy's powers keeps growing and it seems to disturb him. He notices that Agnes is "quiet", meaning he can't read her thoughts. Agnes understands that and this is the last time we see the boys

The whole scene with twins in Agnes' house reminds me of Gratel and Hansel. Kids in a witch's house, they were eating sandwiches and watching cartoons and then disappeared. They weren't in the basement like Agnes said so where are they?

The whole scene when Wanda sits on the couch in Agatha's house is creepy and the show makes us pay attention on the two specific details

Wanda sees a cicada in the curtains and a rabbit in a cage. Cicada symbolizes ressurection, spiritual realization and clairvoyance. Rabbits are usually very fast and dexterous. Doesn't it remind you of Billy and Tommy's superpowers? Maybe the witch had turned them into animals?

The commercial break in this episode was something really interesting.

Antidepressants nexus with side effects such as feeling your feelings, confronting your truth, seizing your destiny and more depression. These antidepressants can be a symbol of what Westview is for Wanda and how she decides to change the reality to not feel the pain. But what is Nexus exactly?

In MCU nexus was mentioned before in Thor 2. In the comics Nexus is basically a substance, object or a person that can travel trough realities. And Wanda was one of the Nexuses in the comics. And that's may be another reason why Mephisto needs her and a door for Marvel to the Multiverse. And that's how Wandavision will be connected with Doctor Strange and Spiderman 3

We all are waiting for the three spidermen to meet together in the new movie but how are they going to make it without the Multiverse. And it is confirmed that Wanda will play a big role in Doctor Strange 2 while Doctor Strange will play a big role in Spiderman. Wandavision is only a beginning and there's something big waiting for us further

And finally, whose big cameo are we going to see in the last episode? Both Paul Bettany and Elizabeth Oksen said that there will be a shocking cameo and Paul said that its not Evan Peters and this is an actor that he wanted to play with for a long time. I have a few options

1. This is the easiest one. Doctor Strange. It is very easy to imagine him in Wandavision, especially due to everything Wanda did. But Paul already worked with him and it would be too obvious so I don't think its him

2. Magneto. I know, sounds weird. But here me out. Magneto is actually a cameo that will shock everybody and he and Pietro actually have an unfinished father/son deal. Magneto would be an awesome way for Marvel to bring mutants to their universe and also pretty logical, die to Evan Peters in the show

3. Deadpool. That's also delusional but not impossible. Marvel wants to introduce Deadpool in the MCU and let's not forget the last time we saw Deadpool in the movies. When he went back in time!

4. Loki. This is the one I'm waiting for. So maybe, since he works for TVA so maybe they send him there so that Wanda won't ruin all the timelines and realities with what she's doing. That would be awesome, considering all the shows should be connected

That's all I wanted to say, thank you for reading all that ranting. Until next friday!

[lemonysnket]

So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But Everybody's Changing, and I don't feel the same

[i-am-deli]

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody′s changing, and I don't feel the same