#** She gives me peace in a lifetime of war ❪Verse❫.

[esther-dot]

Antis always claim that Sansa and Dany should be friends. So tell me when in lifetime Dany had female friends. Missendei don't count because she is her handmaid. Dany never had actual relationship with girls of her status or even below her. It's always her opinion on them matter. Sansa considered jeyne as her sister. She is friendly with Mya. She never act as their boss. But she is also betrayed by Marg and her cousins. She had right to mistrust Dany who will always lord power over others.

What I enjoy is that the claim that they should be friends is always based in the idea that there is no reason why Sansa should object to Dany taking her country. Like, in the show, Sansa, who summoned a man who sexually harasses her (and handed her off to a man who tortured her) to take back Winterfell/the North, was supposed to be totally fine with handing it all over to someone else. That made no sense.

I understand that stance a little better for book verse because some of them genuinely believe Sansa will never go North/be involved in politics, so she and Dany don't have opposing political goals. I disagree with them, but in that context it’s a little more plausible. I guess?

Making judgments about what Martin is saying with how he depicts female relationships is hard because we've talked before about how few positive female relationships he gives to our girl. I mean, Sansa has Jeyne, but we're all biting our nails over what will happen with Mya and Miranda for a reason. Experience has taught us to be wary.

But, when it comes to Dany, her lack of peer relationships, her isolation, that is a very deliberate point about her. This quote sums it up:

Up here in her garden Dany sometimes felt like a god, living atop the highest mountain in the world.

Do all gods feel so lonely? Some must, surely. Missandei had told her of the Lord of Harmony, worshiped by the Peaceful People of Naath; he was the only true god, her little scribe said, the god who always was and always would be, who made the moon and stars and earth, and all the creatures that dwelt upon them. Poor Lord of Harmony. Dany pitied him. It must be terrible to be alone for all time, attended by hordes of butterfly women you could make or unmake at a word. Westeros had seven gods at least, though Viserys had told her that some septons said the seven were only aspects of a single god, seven facets of a single crystal. That was just confusing. The red priests believed in two gods, she had heard, but two who were eternally at war. Dany liked that even less. She would not want to be eternally at war. (ASOS, Daenerys VI)

Dany is at eternal war within herself. She is two people at once and they've converged at the end of ADWD. She is the girl who wants a home, the blood of the dragon who will take her home, and the blending of those two is that she will bring fire and blood to Westeros and find her "home" in the ashes. If she hadn't taken on the identity of the last dragon, if she had decided to make a home by means other than war and death, she could have had something peaceful, could have surrounded herself with people who cared about her. She did not have to be alone.

Martin already made this same point with Robb. He could choose life or death and he chose the sword (link). There's no way that Martin isn't having Dany dissociate herself from humanity this early to prepare the way for her to choose war and death on a much bigger scale, in a much less morally justifiable way.

So, even if book Dany were to meet book Sansa and they bonded over being forced into marriages, being the object of creepy men's obsessions, of having the burden of who they are put their lives in danger, even if they realize they have some similar romantic sensibilities, there's just no way that Martin allows Dany to choose the sword (dragon) and not suffer the same consequences that poor Robb faced. And, being that Robb had far more moral justification (he didn't up and decide to conquer a continent), I imagine what will happen to Dany will be far worse.

Also, there's a chance that Sansa might be QitN in the books when it comes time to deal with Dany. The three queens could be Sansa, Dany, and Arianne, and if that’s the case, Sansa’s obligation would be to her people and it doesn’t matter what she personally thinks about Dany. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As for show verse, you're right. Dany really didn't know how to relate to people. She allegedly loved Jon and all of their conversations were about violence and power. As soon as they arrive in Winterfell, she's threatening the lives of his family. Sansa asks about food (a totally rational and vital concern), and she thinks that's tantamount to treason and when Sansa asks about Northern Independence, Dany immediately withdrawals her hand ie that was never going to happen. So, people who wanted them to "be friends" wanted Sansa to accept being ruled by a person who refused her freedom. Had the roles been reversed, we know they wouldn't expect Dany to be fine with that. Therefore, there's no reason to expect it of Sansa. The wanted it because, like Dany, they don't think there is anything wrong with Dany holding everyone's lives in her hands and denying them freedom. Gross.

[onlyanidala]

onlyanidala fic archive

These are fics with titles J-P.

A-D     E-I     R-T     U-Z

searchable desktop version available here

more anidala fics can also be found in our fic tag!

the link for each fic can be found by clicking the title!

Title: just a bliss Author:  stranestelle Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  A lightheaded Anakin Skywalker wakes up to the heavenly vision that is Padmé Amidala. Can you blame the man for wanting to kiss his wife on the spot? Well you can, when the whole thing is witnessed by a room full of senators caught in a hostage situation... and she'd really rather they had waited for later.

Title: just carry me home tonight Author: gemma Status: complete Rating: R Summary:  "I – I didn't mean to, it's only that… Well, the Force, it lets me feel… What you feel, and I know this wasn't exactly what you imagined for your wedding night, so I…" His flesh hand rose to scratch his neck awkwardly, "I suppose I just wanted to make this special for you…"

Title: king of my heart Author:  catiiasofia & misschrisdaae Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  Anakin Skywalker's holiday to the small country of Naboo takes an unexpected turn when he unknowingly foils an assassination attempt meant for Padmé Naberrie, the nation's Crown Princess. Saving a Princess is crazy enough. The only thing crazier... well, actually, there are a few things. Things Anakin is well on his way to experiencing.

Title: lights in the valley outshine the sun Author: elizabeth7 Status: complete Rating: G Summary:  What would happen if Padme survived and Darth Vader finds out? Padme & Anakin Darth Vader.

Title: look into my eyes it’s where my demons hide Author: shelivesfree Status: WIP/Unupdated Rating: T Summary:  Each time he comes back to her, a little piece of him is missing... left out there, in the field, with his brothers. She can see it in the way he smiles and it doesn't reach his eyes. In the way he cries to himself when he thinks she's not awake. And all she can do is hold him.

Title: lost Author: pinkeastereggs Status: complete Rating: G Summary:  “I feel lost." “Lost . . . what do you mean?” Padme couldn’t help but frown, searching for any signs on her husband’s face that could give her an insight to what he meant. But Anakin was just frowning to the side, seeming conflicted about something. He seemed distant, his eyes filled with an emotion that the young wife couldn’t begin to describe. How long had Anakin had this look in his eyes? Had she been oblivious to it before now or was this something new? Anakin and Padme have a heart-to-heart when he admits to feeling lost and frustrated with the Jedi Council. With truths about his relationship with Palpatine coming to light, Padme fights to talk some sense into her husband.

Title: madam president Author: skywalkersamidala Status: complete Rating: R Summary:  Between late nights and headaches and mountains of paperwork and fierce opposition from her political opponents, President Padmé Amidala already had enough on her plate. And then she just had to go and fall for one of her bodyguards, a relationship which would ruin her reputation and his career if anyone were to find out about it. Also, someone's trying to kill her.

Title: make the world a little colorful Author: estrangedlestrange Status: WIP Rating: G Summary:  The morning after meeting her soulmate, Padmé woke up and saw color for the first time. In the midst of a political crisis, Padmé had just met a gungan, two Jedi, and a slave boy and his mother. She, like any rational young woman, assumed the padawan learner was her soulmate. Ten years later, after having accepted that she would never be with her soulmate, Padmé, reunited with both her supposed soulmate and the slave boy, she realized how wrong her assumptions were. The slave boy, Anakin, who had looked at her with wide hopeful eyes and asked if she was an angel, was her soulmate.

Title: the masterplan Author: stranestelle Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  In the midst of the endless galactic conflict, Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala have made a shocking discovery that brings more questions than answers. And maybe, just maybe, an end to the never-ending war. Sequel to Give Me A Signal.

Title: mother knows best Author:  catiiasofia & misschrisdaae Status: complete Rating: M Summary:  A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.... Shmi Skywalker Palpatine had ruled the Galactic Empire on behalf of her son, Anakin, since the death of his father. For his part, the next Emperor has been content to leave politics to his mother and engage only in military exercises. All that is about to change as Padmé Naberrie, former Queen of Naboo, comes seeking aid for her charity, Amidala's Crusade, and Anakin's long-dormant crush comes surging back. What should be a perfect match is opposed by a mother determined not to lose her son and convinced hers is the only way...

Title: no colors in our skin Author:  JTHM_Michi Status: Abandoned Rating: T Summary:  Anakin grew up knowing that his masters called him the wrong words. They all called him “girl” or “girl-child” and it was just another way for them to dehumanize him. He didn’t know that, of course, not in those words, but it was true enough. His mother was always very clear with him, from the first time he came to her and asked her if she knew which master had taken his “boy parts”, that just because his masters called him a girl didn’t make him one. a.k.a. the Transgender Anakin Skywalker Verse

Title: no heroes on the high seas Author: spellcleaver Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  When Luke's aunt and uncle are executed by order of the Emperor's right hand, Lord Vader, he flees his home to search for his sister and the mother he never knew. But then Obi-Wan Kenobi stows away aboard the same ship, Vader gives chase, and Luke is dragged into a conflict that his family are at the very heart of. Gen.

Title: nos cedamus amori Author: skywalkersamidala Status: complete Rating: M Summary:  Anakin is a gladiator and a slave. Padmé is the wife of the Roman emperor's heir. Circumstances should never even allow them to meet, let alone fall in love.

Title: of mutated worlds Author: gemma Status: WIP Rating: M Summary:  Nobody saw the end of the world coming. It happened overnight, no warning, no escape. They came from the shadows, biting, paralysing, and killing little by little until they were the majority. One day, everything was normal and then, suddenly, Padme Amidala Naberrie woke up in hell.

Title: of options and comlinks Author: estrangedlestrange Status: complete Rating: G Summary:  In that moment it seemed like there were only two options: help Master Windu arrest the Chancellor and secret Sith Lord or heed to Sheev Palpatine’s begging and turn against the Jedi. But then, in a split second, a third option revealed itself.

Title: order 66-S Author: disco shop girl Status: complete Rating: M Summary:  The order was to exterminate all Jedi: Past, Present and Future. Captain Rex has a different plan. Order 66-S: to save General Skywalker.

Title: parent-teacher conference Author: skywalkersamidala Status: complete Rating: G Summary:  Anakin has to meet with the twins' second grade teacher after Leia punches a classmate in the face. But he hadn't counted on Ms. Amidala being quite so pretty.

Title: pas de deux Author:  catiiasofia & misschrisdaae Status: complete Rating: M Summary:  When Padmé Amidala and Anakin Skywalker meet at their mutual friends' house party, the sparks immediately fly, resulting in a one night stand that both of them want to be the start of something more. Except it turns out that Padmé works at the ballet company Anakin just took over. And Anakin is in the middle of a very heated divorce as he tries to gain custody of his daughter Leia. With pressure coming at them from their private and professional lives, making their fledgling relationship work will prove the biggest role of a lifetime.

Title: the path of the dark Author:  catiiasofia & misschrisdaae Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  Vader triumphs. Padmé resists. Series:Three Paths Not Followed. Series: The Darker Path.

Title: perfect Author: skywalkersamidala Status: complete Rating: G Summary:  The war is over, Luke and Leia are five years old, and Anakin and Padmé finally have the peaceful life and big family they've always dreamed of. But their life is about to get a little less peaceful and their family a little bigger.

Title: perfect strangers Author:  catiiasofia & misschrisdaae Status: complete Rating: R Summary:  Anakin Skywalker meets a masked angel at a Halloween costume ball, and the two of them hook up for the best night of his life. But when the morning comes, she is nowhere to be found. Padmé Amidala forgot to get the name of a guy she hooked up with at Halloween before running out for work on November 1. A few weeks later, she realizes she's pregnant. Two perfect strangers, certain their paths are never going to cross again. Oops.

Title: pipe dream Author: skywalkersamidala Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  Padmé's new plumber is the most attractive human being she's ever laid eyes on, so naturally, she keeps faking plumbing emergencies so she can keep seeing him.

Title: pocket full of sand Author: philthestone Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  “I’m Leia Skywalker,” she says, and there is something unfathomably life-changing about that little declaration. “We’re here to rescue you!” Luke remembers the circumstances of his mother's arrest with a frustrating amount of clarity. AU series where Anakin never falls, Padme is a spy in the senate, and the dynamic duo of Force Sensitive twins don't know they're related.

Title: purgatory Author: helent Status: complete Rating: T Summary:  A newly dead Anakin Skywalker wakes in a new world - given the appearance of his 23 year-old self. However, the self-sacrifice that ended his life has also given Anakin an unexpected boon that he isn't sure he can accept. Worse, it comes with conditions that might just be impossible to meet. A moment of redemption is one thing, but a full reformation another entirely.

[obsidiansong]

For anyone concerned about the Main Verse being a sort of Golden Ending AU where everyone lives (except Byleth), allow me to clarify a few things - primarily concerning the fact that Obsidian Song is definitively not a Golden Ending that makes the other verses/routes pointless, like what Revelations did in Fates.

First and foremost - Byleth’s death. Sure, comparatively, only having the protagonist die and everyone else survive sounds as close to a Golden Ending as we can get on paper, but keep in mind that, for this verse to even exist, Byleth had to specifically go out of her way to bond with every student among all three houses pre-timeskip. Post-timeskip, even considering her reveal as the Lord of Ash at the end, she legitimately does her best to help everyone in all three nations, as well as the Church of Seiros and Rhea. She goes above and beyond what Byleth canonically does to try and ensure that everyone is happy and healthy, convinced she’s on the path to a Golden Ending... and then she lets herself be killed, not realizing that this will deeply sadden everyone who cared about her (and if she has a lover, will leave them heartbroken) at best, and leave the Lords she helped reconcile and potentially recover to a degree horrified at the fact that, y’know, they personally just killed the woman who did everything in her power to unify them and bring peace to Fodlan.

Secondly, there’s the fact that Byleth doesn’t plan for what might happen afterwards. Sure, she dismantles TWSITD, gets the Church to relinquish their iron grip on Fodlan peacefully, and persuaded the leaders of the nations to settle matters peacefully, but the fact of the matter is that she didn’t give them any hints on how to restructure after the fact. Especially when you consider that the changes that Byleth’s efforts instilled will likely only last during her students’ lifetimes, as there’s no guarantees that their successors (especially in the new Empire, now that it’s likely a meritocracy) will work towards the propagation of their predecessors’ goals.

Lastly, there’s the matter of Byleth’s own army - these people are hundreds of miles overseas and were soundly defeated in battle. Byleth was a hero to most, if not all of them, and even if the leaders spare them and allow them to return home, there’s no guarantee that a future conflict with Fodlan won’t be brewing on the horizon. And this time, it could potentially be worse, with greater levels of firepower, lead by someone (or a group of someones) who don’t ultimately intend to lose the war and will fight with everything they have and more sophisticated tactics than “steamroll the western coast to threaten the nations into uniting, then turtle up”.

Basically, Byleth’s unification plan has a lot of holes in it, and may ultimately lead to even more problems down the line. Some might be mitigated in an AU where she lives, but even in that case, Byleth herself remains a broken shell of the woman she was, doesn’t magically recover from her own identity issues and psychological damage (though the former could potentially be fixed, but that requires a whole lot of stuff and extra headcanons that I’m far too tired to brainstorm right now), and ultimately ends up too crippled to ever take to the battlefield again after the damage she sustains in the final battle.

[coffeebeannate]

First words your soulmate says to you are tattooed on your wrist + andromaquynh

Time to give the ladies some love.

Also, I am not entirely sure what language Andromache and Quynh would have spoken to one another, to begin with. But we can safely assume the words on each others wrists are not written in English.

And yes, I did set this in the Old Guard verse, so it’s sort of less AU and I guess more..The Old Guard with fanon additions? Alt timeline? Alt style? But I am using the films timeline in that Quynh precedes Lykon.

Tl’dr: The Old Guard as we know, feat soulmates. And my personal “Quynh was never in the iron maiden” AU. And Andy is still immortal. Ok there’s all the bases enough babblings!

Finding Quynh brought Andromache a peace she never thought she’d know. A comfort she believed long gone from her tireless existence, dismissed, devoid and empty as it was. Canvasing the Earth, over and over, with no end in sight.

She woke up alone. Everyday. For how long? 

Counting time with the stars, and counting nights with passages of light.

Alone.

Even with war, battles, a lifetime where conflict and rage seemed to thrive and be brought upon the world by design, once there was Quynh, there was peace. At least in that the stars, the skies, no longer looked down upon her in their silent mocking.

“You are so far away.” Quynh’s serene, mildly grouchy sleep voice interrupting her thoughts. So many lifetimes passed, aside, behind them and before them.  “I thought you sleeping, but your breathing is not steady enough.”

Andy blinks, slowly, eyes long adjusted to the dark, Quynh’s head pillowed against her stomach. “Sorry,’ Her voice barely above a whisper, a kiss to her head. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Thoughts like yours could wake the dead, Andromache.” Quynh huffs, making no move to sit herself up as she laces their fingers together. “What has you so lost?”

“Not lost,” Andy corrects, “Just..”

“Reverent?” Quynh suggests, finally pushing herself into more of a sitting position, choosing Andy’s lap as her chair, Andy’s arms finding her waist with ease. 

“Mm, that could be it. What has clued you in?”

At that, Quynh unlaces their fingers, finding Andy’s wrist instead, where the words seem to glow even in darkness. A band that wraps in mimicry of a bracelet.

“No! You are not real. You are a visage.”

Quynh had lamented in the past that she wished it was a touch more romantic, or at least ‘a little more flavourful, Andromache’. But Andy would only kiss her and remind her that all the heat, the fire of their relationship their love could come later.

“You were starving and dehydrated, wandering a desert” Andy had said, “It’s a miracle you could speak at all.”

“That’s on the universe for doubting me.” Quynh had retorted.

Andy’s is not anymore romantic, in turn, mirroring Quynh’s movements to find Quynh’s own wrist, of black and gold against her skin.

“Oh, if only.”

The words are like a constant reminder, and the two women had stared at each other across the desert as their wrists seemed to glow in unison, Quynh shouting at Andromache in confusion.

When the words appeared, they stood, accusing one another of trickery. But Quynh needed food, water, shelter. And it was hard to keep up any sort of argument so weakened as she was.

“The desert has brought its final tricks at last.” Quynh had exclaimed, wishing she had something sharp nearby. 

Andromache did, but she was not willing such an unfair fight. Even if denial was about the only thing on her mind.

“I have been accustomed to this desert, and it lies at me like this now?”

Bickering got them nowhere, and Andy had food on her-and water. And giving it to Quynh had seemed the better choice of it all. Even if Quynh tested things as thoroughly as she could before taking them.

“Please, as if your brain screaming's can ever be hidden from me.” Quynh said, comfortable on Andy’s lap in their dark room. “I only wonder why now.”

“Doesn’t really have a schedule.” Andy says, letting her fingers graze along Quynh’s wrist, Quynh doing the same with hers. “There are textbooks in schools that don’t go as far back as we do in their timelines.”

“Then such textbooks are missing out.” Quynh said, making Andy laugh as though she’d tickled her. “Come on, my love, it is so late.”

It was-the clock on one of their phones showing them as much, but she knew how Quynh could be, and that it was mostly in jest.

“This cannot be the same woman who has partied at clubs until the sun rises.” Andy said, hands loose where Quynh’s tanktop sits. Cotton, pleasant to the touch.

“It is, but that woman was not peacefully sleeping before hand.” Tugging Andy until they could roll sideways, throwing her leg over Andy’s waist, nose to nose with her. 

“You know..” Andy said, after they’d lain in silence a few moments, carefully testing the waters of Quynh’s sleepiness, “We haven’t been to a club in a while.”

“Go to sleep and you might even get a dance.” Quynh yawned, already falling back into slumber.

“Oohh in the red outfit?” Andy asked, sure she could sense a closed eye-roll of ‘what else’.

“Red and possibly leather.” Quynh’s arm tightening about her waist, leg drawing her inward further. And Andy’s own eyes grew heavy with the motion, catching the glow once more from her skin before finally falling to blissful sleep.

[lvrexe]

Wild Ride | [2] Hatake

ughhh finally this is completed... it took me a month and some revisions but I got it out. s/n: it’s hardly edited.

[ AO3 ] [ CHAPTER ONE ]

General Fic Info

Rating — Explicit Category — M/M

Content Warnings — None apply Completion — Unfinished

Ships; Hatake Kakashi/Shiranui Genma, Sarutobi Asuma/Shiranui Genma, Hatake Kakashi/Shiranui Genma/Sarutobi Asuma, Nohara Rin/Uchiha Obito

Genre; Romance, Angst, Modern! AU, Occasional Fluff

Tags; Porn with Plot, Poly Relationships, Friends with Benefits, Eventual Romance, Alternative Universe, Semi-Modern AU, Anal sex, Explicit Content, Misinterpreted Relationships, Misunderstandings, Drinking, Alcoholism

Chapter Specific Tags; SFW, just Kakashi set-up, Kakashi mistaking a hook-up as a romantic relationship

Kakashi stirred awake with a heavy weight on his chest. Propping one eye open, he was greeted with the sight of Genma sleeping soundly in his bare chest. Rays of sunlight highlighted most of his features, shining parts of Genma’s peaceful expression, strands of chestnut brown bangs covered parts of his face. His lips gently parted as his body rose and fell with each subtle and calm breath he took.

His eyes narrowed as he inspected the brunette; Genma was an oddity to him— not that he actually minded, quite the opposite. Now, he looked peaceful and sweet, as if he didn’t just ride Kakashi’s dick the previous night. Surprisingly, Genma was well-versed in hiding his more… “slutty” side, to put it bluntly— not many outside of the close-knit friend group knew of his nightly activities. To outsiders, Genma was a man of a calm and collected nature and truly, he was. There just was this hidden side to him.

Slipping Genma off him, Kakashi slowly peeled himself off his bed. He stumbled across his room, stepping over his clothes scattered around his floor. He had expected several sights to be regular occurrences; Naruto and Sasuke fighting, Sakura stopping them; Gai challenging him to any sort of test of skill; Obito and Rin dragging him out of his house. Was him waking up to Genma in his bed and their clothes scattered across his house going to be another recurring scene?

He scrounged around in his drawers for a pair of boxers, some loose pants and fished out a plain white tee. He headed for his bathroom silently, slipping out of his room to not disturb his sleeping… Well, he assumed “partner”. A warm sensation filled his chest as he thought about that. Genma as his partner. Huh, that sounded oddly nice.

He was quick to snap out of it once he reached the door to his bathroom. He shook off the thoughts and let out a sigh. He disregarded the warmth those thoughts brung and pushed into his bathroom.

By the time Kakashi was finished with his shower, Genma was still in his deep slumber. He decided to let him sleep in. His bedroom was just Genma’s for now. Though, Kakashi managed to snag his favourite book series, Icha Icha Paradise. His living area was better lit than his bedroom; a near perfect quantity of natural light peering through the kitchen window, some wandering into his attached living room, the glass sliding doors also provided a fair amount of light as well. He plopped down on his couch and he momentarily froze when his eyes landed on the open whiskey bottle Genma had left. Beside it was Genma’s buzzing phone. It stopped and the screen went black before Kakashi could see what the notification was.

Kakashi was a simple man; he saw a phone buzz from a notification, he got curious. Interest piqued, he reached down and snatched up the phone. It lit up as he pressed the power button. A monochromatic picture of a hand lazily holding a cigarette between two fingers was set as the background. Kakashi cocked his eyebrows at Genma’s set background, it was a bit odd to him but it oddly fit Genma. His attention switched over to the notifications on the screen. A few missed calls, some unanswered messages from Hayate and Shizune, all previews hidden until unlocked, and at the top of it was a reminder. “Tell squads of Chunin Exams” was the title. Guess Genma couldn’t tell all of them the day before.

A tinge of guilt pulled at his chest, he shouldn’t be snooping around. He followed his gut and shut off the phone and placed it back on his coffee table. He grabbed his book and leaned back into his couch, kicking up his feet on his table. Flipping his book open, he tore his attention away from Genma’s phone.

He wasn’t certain how much time had passed after he started a new chapter, but a knock pulled his head out from the pages of his book. He snapped his book closed and pulled himself up from the couch, tossing his book onto the table. He peered through the peephole and stood outside his door was his old teammate, Obito.

Obito’s scarred but bright face beamed at his door, as if he could tell Kakashi was peeking through the hole. His right side was heavily scarred and deformed, a lifetime reminder of the consequences of war. It was a damn miracle Obito survived the war, especially after getting crushed. Kakashi insisted that he return his Sharingan but Obito denied no matter the protest. Now, Obito’s left eye bore the late Fourth Hokage’s eye. Kakashi never got the story of how he received it, but regardless, he was grateful to the Gods, or the Heavens, or whatever, that Obito still stood tall beside him nonetheless.

Unlocking the door, the silver-haired shinobi swung his front door open. Obito grinned ear-to-ear as the white door opened. “Kakashi!” he blurted out, arms spread wide in an exaggerated way to greet the tired shinobi before him. Without warning, he hooked around Kakashi’s neck, pulling the man close. “How’s it going, huh?”

“Obito… it’s only…” Kakashi peeled himself away from his friend and leaned backwards to peer back into his kitchen. “9:30 in the morning.”

“Yeah, but didja forget already?” Obito chirped up as he tugged his best friend close once more, “Breakfast with me and Rin?”

Kakashi’s face recoiled with regret as a hiss left his throat— aimed towards him obviously. “Shit… I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Uh... Just give me a moment. Just stay here.”

As Obito released his grip, Kakashi pushed away from him. “No worries, ‘Kashi,” he replied. He peered over the shoulder of the silver-haired shinobi as Kakashi scrambled around in his house. He took note of the open whiskey bottle in the open living room and the extra pair of shinobi sandals. Obito wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he also wasn’t naive.

A grin pried at the corners of the Uchiha’s lips as he peered over to Kakashi hovering over his kitchen table, scribbling something down. “Hey, Kakashi, it’s a bit rude to not invite someone in, right?” he teasingly piped up.

Kakashi immediately flinched and sputtered a bit. He knew Obito knew. He turned his head and shakingly looked over at his teammate. “Uh… Well, we’re heading out in a minute, right?” he blurted out. He pushed the cap onto the pen and tossed it to the side. He ripped off the sticky note from the stack and slapped it onto his fridge. As Obito leaned forward in an attempt to read the note, he huffed and covered the side with his hand. Obito backed off and he let out a sigh before reading over the note;

Genma,

I’m heading out for the day. Help yourself to some coffee and breakfast. Make sure to lock the door on your way out. If you’re free, come by tonight.

Kakashi

That was inviting enough, right?... Yeah, probably. Kakashi pushed himself away from his fridge and gathered himself. He slipped on his shoes and pushed Obito out of his house by stepping out himself. He locked the door and shoved the key into his pocket. “Ready to go?” he asked his friend.

Obito, his prying now diminished by the front door shutting, sighed but shrugged his shoulders. He stuffed his hands in his pocket and nodded. “Guess so,” he murmured. Kakashi walked past him and he took one final glance at the house, hoping to spot any sort of movement in the house. But alas, the person in Kakashi’s house was still out-cold sleeping.

“Obito.”

He jolted a bit before scurrying off the porch to catch up with Kakashi.

Rin gazed through the large windows of the small cafe, the lines were long and most tables were filled. She had expected the long lines but not the tables being filled, it was a week day, shouldn’t people be hurrying off to their jobs?

She cursed to herself, silently lecturing to herself for not going in sooner. She took a glance around before slipping inside the shop and sneaking off to the back where one table was clear and free for the taking. The smell of brewing coffee, freshly baked bagels and muffins reached her nostrils and left her a warm, fuzzy feeling blooming in her chest. Nostalgia? Maybe. Team Minato did share several memories here. She slipped into the booth seat and pulled out her phone from her back pocket. Two messages from Obito popped up when her lock screen lit up; “Got Kakashi.”, and “Heading over now~ <3”. She simply sent a thumbs up back, then added a heart emoji for good measure.

It didn’t take the two long before they arrived through the glass doors, bell ringing to alert the baristas of new customers. Rin raised up and a smile grew on her glossy lips. She waved the two Jounin over and closed her mobile game. Kakashi slid onto the seat across from her and Obito walked over to her side, leaning in for a quick kiss of greeting. She shifted over and gave him a spot to sit.

“Didn’t order us drinks?” Obito questioned.

She shook her head and sighed. “Not yet. Line’s been busy and I wanted to grab a good table.” She leaned back into the booth as she gazed over to the two lines at the counters. The cafe had died down a bit in noise but a good five or six people still stood in line. “Here, scoot out, I’ll go order now.”

Kakashi raised his hand in quick protest. “No, no,” he was quick to speak up. He smiled under his mask and stood up. “I’ll pay for our drinks,” he assured as he shifted out of their booth. If Rin or Obito had any objections, he didn’t wait to hear them as he walked into the nearest line.

It took a few minutes but Kakashi finally arrived at the front of the line, tapping on the counter with two fingers as he waited for the barista to come back around. He stood up straight as the employee approached the counter after handing over another customer’s order. His cheeks heated up under his mask as the man approached him. He wore the company uniform of a plain white shirt, black pants and a dark green apron wrapped around his front. Attached to his apron was a nametag: “Touma”.

“Sorry about that, just a busy day today,” Touma excused with a quick chuckle. His face beamed with happiness, a bright smile upon his lips. Kakashi couldn’t tell if it was genuine or if it was forced, but it felt genuine. “What can I get you today?”

Kakashi was grateful he always wore masks, he knew he was a blushing mess underneath. “Urm, well,” he sputtered for a moment, “A medium espresso, large iced coffee and a large mocha coffee.”

Touma hummed in response as he punched in the order. “Anything else today?” he asked.

Kakashi shook his head. “Uh, no, that’s all,” he replied.

“Alright,” Touma nodded. “Your total is 1,212 yen.”

He was quick to pay in cash and slid off to the side, waiting for his order. His eyes lingered on the barista he spoke to. Touma was his type. Shoulder-length dark hair, average height and slender. Touma also held his hair back— but the more Kakashi thought about it, it was probably a requirement for work—, pinning his bangs out of eyes, hair placed in a low, short ponytail. Walnut brown hair, pale skin and deep brown eyes. Touma wasn’t too extraordinary but God, he was attractive.

As he stared, Touma looked familiar. It most definitely wasn’t from him being a regular; Kakashi never paid much attention to the workers. The long locks of brown hair, the deep brown eyes, the pale skin. The same height too. As his eyes lingered on Touma, the barista shifted from himself to another Jounin. Genma.

Touma was a near-perfect doppelganger of Genma.

The three drinks were pushed onto the counter in front of him. He snapped out of his daze and gripped the edge of the cardboard cup tray. As he picked it up, Touma spoke up: “Hey, uh, you’re a shinobi, right?”

“Huh? Yeah, I am,” he answered. “Oh good, I could tell by your headband,” Touma explained. He scratched the back of his neck and chuckled a bit. “If you’re free, come by on Sunday. We do this thing called ‘Shinobi Sunday’ every month. Shinobi of the Leaf get discounts on their orders.”

Kakashi raised his brows in surprise; it must’ve been something new. He nodded and cleared his throat. “Yeah… I’ll see if I’m free.” Not sure how to continue the conversation, or if he even should, Kakashi nodded his head goodbye and slipped away from the counter, letting Touma return to his work.

As he returned to his table, the first thing he noticed was Rin staring intently at him, head resting between her hands. He sighed, preparing for Rin’s antics, and slid the tray onto the table as he sat down.

Rin grabbed her iced coffee and pulled her straw out of its paper wrapping. She grinned as she stabbed her straw into the lid. “Soooo~...?” she sang, giggling to herself. “Did you get his number?”

“I’m– I’m sorry?”

“Did you get that guy’s number?” she repeated. She sipped on her iced coffee and leaned on the table. She had watched the entire interaction but she lacked the audio. “He seemed into you, y’know,” she whispered, as if Obito couldn’t hear. “You should totally ask him out.”

Kakashi’s entire face turned a deep shade of red, face practically steaming, body melting away in embarrassment. “I—! N-no, I couldn’t… He’s just an employee, he’s just doing his job,” he excused, waving off Rin’s pushing. He took a glance over to Touma as he grabbed his espresso. He turned his head down and stared into his cup before prying off his mask to take a sip. “Besides, we hardly know each other. It’d be awkward, right?”

Rin, used to Kakashi’s dismissals, only sighed and slumped her shoulders, sinking back into her seat, sipping on her iced coffee. This was a regular affair between the two, ever since the two were in their teens. Of course, back then, Rin had assumed Kakashi was straight and constantly tried to set him up with any girl who indicated the slightest interest in the son of the White Fang. She had apologized a million times over when he had revealed he was actually gay when the three of them were 17. But that hardly stopped her from her self-promoted role of ‘matchmaker’.

One advantage of being so close with Kakashi was the fact Rin understood his mannerisms. It took her a couple of years but she could tell who and what he was attracted to— probably quicker than he would. But alas, no matter how hard she pushed, Kakashi would retreat back into his shell of solitude. It was a back-and-forth between the two and Kakashi always remained the victor each and every single time.

Defeated, Rin sipped on her iced coffee, ready to change the topic, perhaps about her or Kakashi’s team— oh, how she wondered how Kakashi’s students were doing. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen them. As she finished off her few sips, she opened her mouth to direct the conversation elsewhere, but Obito had other plans.

“You should ask him out,” Obito insisted.

Kakashi jerked forward as his drink got stuck in his throat from pure shock. He coughed and hid his face in his arm as he slowly recovered. “I’m sorry?”

“Come on, Kakashi. You can’t honestly expect love to just fall into your arms, do you?”

“Well no but—”

Obito leaned forward onto the table. “Then go ask him out. You find him attractive, he probably finds you attractive— half of this damn village does, so take the risk, Kakashi.”

Rin huffed and smacked Obito in the arm. “Come on, Obito, he already said he won’t.”

“Well, he never tries. He should just this once,” Obito insisted. “He’s missed out on so many opportunities already.”

“Obito!” Rin badgered.

Kakashi sighed and finished off his drink with large gulps. He tugged his mask back up his face and over his nose. He raised his hand, butting into the argument. “Rin, it’s fine,” he assured as he spoke up. “Obito’s right.”

Rin turned her head. “What? So you’ll ask the barista out?”

He shook his head, “I never said that. I just said Obito’s right in me never trying.”

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. His cheeks tinted a shade of red. “I guess I’m trying to… not miss an opportunity this time,” he admitted sheepishly to his teammates. “There’s someone, I suppose…”

That caught Rin’s attention. Leaning forward, she rested her elbows on the table. “Oh~?” she sang, “Who is it? How’d you two finally start things? Is he cute? I bet he’s cute.”

“Well, I-.. I wouldn’t want to share his personal information…”

“Oh come on, just a name Kakashi? Please?”

Obito took a few sips out of his drink as he watched Rin pester Kakashi for answers but he remained strong in holding back any information she pried for. His mind wandered for a moment before it snapped back to the extra shoes he had seen before. “Wait, is it the guy you—”

“Yes.” Kakashi was quick to butt in.

“Huh. You sure he’s who you want?”

The silver-haired shinobi nodded. He sighed with content and thought back to the brunette man who drove him utterly crazy. “... Yeah,” he affirmed as he thought of Genma.

“He’s who I want.”

“Bye Kakashi!” Rin called out one last time as she and Obito parted ways with him.

Kakashi smiled under his mask, waving goodbye to the other two Jounin. He ambled down the streets of Konoha, shuffling past the groups and gatherings that crowded the roads. His mind lingered back to the upcoming Chunin Exams as he passed by some excited Genin team rambling about it. He’d have to tell his own team about it soon. That, and he’d have to send a message to the Fifth assuring her the three were ready for their second Chunin Exam. He could go visit her personally as well, but Genma’s words from the day before advised him against it; she was probably busied to the bone.

“Kakashi-senpai.”

He recognized that tranquil and composed voice and he shifted around on his heels. A man with cedar brown hair landed on the dirt street before him. His face lit up when he saw the face of an old ANBU friend. “Ah, Tenzo,” he greeted, “It’s nice to finally see you once again. Been awhile.”

Tenzo had a gentle smile on his lips as he approached Kakashi. “It has,” he replied. “Since the disbandment of the ANBU, correct?” Kakashi nodded. Tenzo only nodded in response. “... So, why’d you stop by?” the silver-haired shinobi questioned. He cleared his throat before swiftly changing the subject. “Ah, right, I came to ask about the Chunin Exams on Lady Tsunade’s behalf.”

“Chunin Exams? For what?”

“Lady Tsunade has tasked me with gathering the confirmations of each team’s leader,” Tenzo explained. “And I’ve received confirmation from Team 3’s sensei. But I still need some confirmation from Team 8, Team 10 when they come back from their mission, and of course, your Team 7, Kakashi-senpai.”

He let out a sigh. “Official statement?”

Tenzo gave him a nod. “More or less.”

“Ah, I see…” Kakashi let out another sigh as his shoulders dropped. He straightened himself up and cleared his throat. “The Kakashi led team of Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura… Under the name of Hatake Kakashi, I nominate the three for the Chunin Exams.” Same spiel as always, or maybe he got some words wrong. Nonetheless, same format but with different names.

It was enough for Tenzo apparently as he nodded. “Alright, that’s good…” he murmured. “I’d love to keep chatting, but I need to gather more confirmations.”

As Tenzo readied to disappear, Kakashi was quick to raise his hand to grab Tenzo’s attention. “Wait, Tenzo,” he called, “Just a quick question.”

“Yes?”

“Will you be around during the Chunin Exams?”

“Of course, why?”

Kakashi pursed his lips under his mask and his brows furrowed. “I have a feeling you’ll need to be there, Tenzo,” he asserted.

Tenzo didn’t need details; the look in Kakashi’s uncovered eye told him enough. “Understood… I’ll be sure to attend. I’ll let Lady Tsunade know,” he assured.

As he took a step to hop off, Tenzo stopped for a moment. “Oh yes, I nearly forgot…” he turned on his heel again to face Kakashi one last time. His hand shuffled around in his back pouch before he pulled out a scroll and tossed it to his superior. “New mission for Team Kakashi, assigned specifically from the Fifth herself.”

Kakashi caught the scroll and rotated it in his hand to eye down the seal. He sighed. No free time anymore.

With a grunt, Naruto collided with the ground, face digging into the ground as Kakashi swung him off his shoulders. And finally, that was it. Team 7 laid defeated before him. Sasuke laid stuck under a fallen tree, Sakura trembling on the dirt ground as she slowly tended to her wounds through medical ninjutsu, and Naruto had his face buried deep in the dirt, his shadow clones poofing away with clouds of smoke.

Kakashi sighed and lowered his guard finally. He frowned his brows as he thought back to the beginning days of their team. ‘I miss when a simple Genjutsu put all of them out of commission…’

His attention was brought to his blonde student behind him as the Genin groaned. Naruto growled and pushed himself up. “That’s it, Kakashi-sensei! Rematch! Right now!!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “That ain’t fair at all!”

“Now, now, maybe another time, Naruto,” Kakashi denied with a small chuckle. He shifted over to Sakura who was pushing herself up off the ground. “Think you can get Sasuke?”

“Yes, Kakashi-sensei,” she nodded as she scurried off to her teammate.

He swung his open hand out and caught Naruto’s forehead in his palm. “Naruto, I told you we’ll have a rematch another day.”

Sakura pried the tree log off of Sasuke and after some medical ninjutsu, got Sasuke on his feet. With the three Genin settled, Kakashi let out a deep sigh. He had two announcements to make. He pondered which to state first.

“Well… To start this off, we have a mission today,” he finally stated, “and then, the Chunin Exams are also around the corner. If I’m not mistaken, you should be given enough time to squeeze in some additional training by the time we return.”

“The Chunin Exams? You’ve referred us again?” Sakura butted in.

“I’ve nominated you, yes. But you must be the ones to sign up.”

He reached into his pouch, pulled out the Exams registration sheets and tossed them to the three. “Feel free to sign them when you’re gathering supplies for the mission. Have your parents drop them off at the Hokage’s residence,” he instructed.

“About our mission, Kakashi,” Sasuke spoke up, “What is it?”

“Ah, right, our mission…” Kakashi hummed, bringing his hand to his chin. “Well, Suna has requested aid from Konoha shinobi. Apparently, one of their own S-ranked criminals is running about, poisoning their shinobi. Not only are we to aid them in capturing Sasori of the Red Sand but we’ll also need to help them cure the poison.”

Kakashi brought his eyes to Sakura. “We’ll need you to assist with finding that cure as well as aiding our team against the fight with Sasori.” Sakura nodded in response.

This would be the team’s second time taking a mission outside the Land of Fire so it was evident that the three Genin were excited but nervous lingered behind their thrilled expressions. Their first time out of the Land of Fire was their time in the Land of Waves and with that as their only experience, it was understandable to Kakashi.

“I’ll let you go to properly gather what you need,” Kakashi waved off his students. “Please don’t be too late.”

The three Genin nodded and Sasuke was the first to scurry off, heading off in the direction of the Uchiha district. Sakura was next upon the completion of patching up her blonde boyfriend. As Naruto turned on his heels, Kakashi called out, “Naruto.”

“Eh? Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto turned to his teacher. “What is it?”

He took a deep breath. “Be careful, Naruto. Both in mission and the Chunin Exams. You can’t let your anger overwhelm you,” he insisted.

“Try as you might, you cannot deny that seal is cracking, Naruto.”

[ddearddigitalddiary]

folklore: Stoned Favorites

It’s been just about 48 hours since Queen Taylor surprised us with TS8 entitled folklore. This album was born out of quarantine and is becoming her highest critically acclaimed album yet. She’s fucking amazing, magical, powerful, etc. I’ve had a few listen throughs to digest it, but I’m still processing all of its beauty. It has quickly become a favorite. Taylor somehow has this power where she drops an album that is lined up perfectly to the events I’m going through in my personal life. Maybe I’m just finding how it relates to me and seeing myself in the album, but that’s the beauty of it anyways. Going through a tough breakup, living through a global pandemic, society is literally never going back to something we knew... It’s all a bit much. And Ms. Swizzle has put words to my deepest feelings, and as always helped me feel and heal. 

Here are my favorite parts of the beautiful, whimsical, mystical album that is folklore:

the 1: (this one hurts a little much for me right now...) we never painted by the numbers baby, but we were making it count, you know the greatest loves of all time are over now / in my defense i have none for never leaving well enough alone, but it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the one

cardigan: (first of the love triangle, Taylor freaking Swift. this entire song is so beautiful. one of my faves and i cried the first time i heard it) i knew you stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain I,  I knew you tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy I, I knew you leaving like a father, running like water I, and when you are young they assume you know nothing, but I’d knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss, I knew you’d haunt all of my what if’s, the smell of smoke would hang around this long, cause I knew everything when I was young

the last great american dynasty: (a sweet little bop. i love this one. Taylor’s voice is so pretty. this guitar is *chefs kiss*) she had a marvelous time ruining everything / [the entire bridge!!!!] there goes the loudest woman this town has ever seen, i had a marvelous time ruining everything

exile: (again, this one hurts right now. a bit relevant.) you’re not my homeland anymore, so what am i defending now? / (pretty much Taylor’s whole verse because freaking ouch - it’s describing my heart space right now) i think i’ve seen this film before, so I’m leaving out the side door / cause you never gave a warning sign - i gave sooo many signs

my tears ricochet: (hearing this song with the framing of it being about B*g M*****e is so sad, heartbreaking, powerful) cause i loved you, i swear i loved you, til my dying day, i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace (and then really the whole entire rest of the song.) /  WHEN I’M SCREAMING AT THE SKYYY... YOU HEAR MY STOLEN LULLABIIIIES

mirrorball: (this one feels like 80′s prom or something, i’m in love) *hushh*  when no one is around my dear, you’ll find me on my tallest tip toes, spinning in my highest heels love, shining just for youuu

seven: (this one makes me feel like i’m in a grassy meadow, while of course swinging on a tree, with a light summer breeze) sweet tea in the summer, cross your heart won’t tell no other / love you to the moon and to saturn / (STRINGS) 

august: (another love triangle song, and it’s my favorite of the moment i think... i think. it also hurts a little bit because of my love life heart space ): ) i remember thinking i had you, but i can see us lost in the memory, august slipped away into a moment in time, cause he was never mine, and i can see us twisted in bed sheets, august sipped away like a bottle of wine, cause you were never mine / (and the fact that there’s beautiful flutes noticeable to me and beautiful saxophone is just super convenient for my feelings as well. also, beautiful fade out, *chefs kiss*)

this is me trying: (this beat going into the song goes hard. guess what - song again hits me like a truck. it’s like what i would want him to say to me. i picture it’s fairly similar to what he’s going through. who knows.) so i got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when i’m mad, i have a lot of regrets about that 

illicit affairs: (these guitars are like hugging my ears) take the words for what they are, a dwindling mercurial high, a drug that only worked the first few hundred times (that line in particular hits) / don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby, look at this idiotic fool that you made me, you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else, and you know damn well for you i would ruin myself a million little times

invisible string: (again, guitars hugging the ears :). and of course, this song gives me hope for whatever, whoever could be out there for me. her runs are angelic) bad was the blood of the song in the cab on your first trip to la / time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine~ / one single thread of gold tied me to you / hell was the journey but it brought me heaven / give me the blues and the purple pink skies, baby it’s cooool with meeeee! (so many Lover references in these lines! I’m in love!)

mad woman: (i’m in love with this song as well. like another version of the Man, aka don’t fuck with me. i’m in love with the entire chorus and her voice and the piano) what do you sing on your drive home, do you see my face in the neighbor’s lawn, does she smile or does she mouth fuck you forever / no one likes a mad woman, you made her like that... / women like hunting witches too, doing your dirtiest work for you

epiphany: (the production of this song is so angelic and peaceful yet the lyrics are haunting and i get sad every time i listen to it. the parallel between the war and the pandemic is rough and sad. this song is a different kind of hurt) hold your hand through plastic now, doc i think she’s crashing out, and some things you can’t speak about *and then the moment of silence with horns*...

betty: (the last of the triangle. this is the one that is so beautiful and heartbreaking and hopeful? maybe not hopeful it’s more the nostalgia factor of it all for me that just because of the breakup stage i’m in right now is what makes it heartbreaking... one day it will be more beautiful and i can smile to it with a longing and gratuitous embrace... also a bop, ALSO reminds me of country Taylor and it’s so *hugs my heart and teen me*) but if i just showed up at your party, would you have me would you want me? would you tell me to go fuck myself or lead me to the garden / i don’t know anything but i know i miss you / the only thing i wanna do is make it up to you / (KEY CHANGE !!!) / kissing in my car again, stopped at a streetlight you know i miss you

peace: (another favorite!!!! and apparently the first take she did of this song IS THE ONE THAT’S ON THE ALBUM. artist.) the devils in the details, but you got a friend in me, would it be enough if i could never give you peace, your integrity makes me seem small, you paint dreamscapes on the wall, i talk shit with my friends, it’s like i’m wasting your honor *piannooooo* / and you know that i’d swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child... 

hoax: (a hauntingly beautiful one, a favorite, love that it’s the closer. it HURTS me right now but i’ll take it. it’s a beautiful song and it’s helping the heal. can’t wait to hear the lakes on the deluxe! - also i just so happen to be re-reading the twilight series right now and it’s the exact vibes i get from this song - the level of love, the cliff sides, the sleepless nights, the piano, eclipsed sun) stood on the cliff side screaming give me a reason, your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in.... don’t want no other shade of blue but you, no other sadness in the world would do. 

Taylor announced it and I woke up to the news. I spent the whole day obsessed with the thought of the album and the fact that she literally surprise dropped and shook the whole swiftie kingdom as well as it’s surrounding communities. I had no idea what to expect with it but I said it would be my new favorite Taylor album, i just had a feeling. And I think that this album proved that statement was true. This side of Taylor is the storytelling side I absolutely fell in love with. Her power and creativity and pen are just top tier and she’s the freaking artist of my lifetime. This album will be helping me heal, just as rep did, just as 1989 did, just as Speak Now, Fearless did. I love you Taylor. Thank you for the beauty that is folklore.

[be-ca-lm]

pls ignore just gotta get thoughts out of my brain

tw rape and sexual assault ok so i think it started very young when i couldn’t understand why the hell boys and men seemed more important to god and that god was always presented male - i was very young, like elementary aged when i reasoned: he made us in his own image, in order to create female he has to BE equally female, he has to have female image. i was told no no that is wrong and bad and heresy.

then i ALWAYS chafed at the idea of women being helpmeets to men, created as servants to them, their sole reason for existing being in service to better, stronger, smarter males (who cause all the problems like wtf) and that doesn’t seem right or just. the garden was perfect the world god created was perfect so why create anything as lesser than? do you hate women? but men came first - then woman to help, woman as decoration, as slave, as child bearer, as comforter, as mother, as scapegoat. woman as weaker. she fell for temptation in the garden, where was adam? See? Women are stupid, need protecting, incapable of rational thought, logic, reason. look how gullible. look how dangerous to be left unsupervised. all of humanity condemned to fiery torment because of woman. no responsibility of man. hate woman, blame woman, hurt woman, you have every justification to do so. she is trapped, hobbled, shackled, tied to you for her protection, existence, safety. she is prize, she is bounty, she is spoils of war. daughters are property. a woman who does not produce children is worthless, sons are currency for power, social capital, strength. daughters serve you. woman is there as punching bag, as masturbatory relief, as house slave, as decoration, worthless but worth stealing, dirty but rapeable, stupid but cunning, pure but deceptive, ruined but redeemable through birthing. a portal, a tool, woman as commodity, woman as vehicle of corruption and vehicle of salvation, simultaneously and never, all at once and at the same time, wretched and woman. not equal to, but a compliment. a complement. you are no equal to god’s masterpiece, the man. do not kid yourself.

god’s grand plan! look at his design. how perfect. how freeing. how it was meant to be. he created woman who would ruin it, but he is not to blame, it is his creation’s fault, but not the man who he likes better, no not his fault. she is saved through childbirth? she is worthy as ALWAYS depending on her proximity to a MAN to a husband father brother rapist captor buyer slaver son stoner judge jury executioner savior.

so why? why condemn me to this torturous existence, why give me the capacity to KNOW that I am intended to be Less Than, that I am the Weaker Vessel, that I am Not A Man but give me no comfort in that, no recourse, no ability to appeal this existence. Make me a man! I could do so much more for you! I could do your pillaging and raping, I could do your genocide, I could carry out your orders, sacrifice my children, I could spread your Gospel and praise your name, I could earn my place in your heaven by your side because you commanded that I Love You, I could invade your earth, slaughter your animals, impregnate your weaker washy women and fulfill your great commission, i could be the mulitiplier, the glorifier, the pastor preacher whitewasher brainwasher tombfiller father soldier conqueror profiteer leader ruler dictator sin hater. PICK ME CHOOSE ME all I wanted was to be LOVED by you to be told WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT am i not enough for you and since i so clearly am not, why did you create me this way. 

find peace in your role. you have purpose. then why does that not feel natural as young as five years old? at 10? at 14? at 18? at 27? at 33? jesus knows your sorrows he knows you- JESUS CANNOT RELATE TO ME. he was born a man. he was not asked to make himself small. he submitted to dying. no one asked me if i wanted to volunteer. could i come back a man? I do not want to be a man. I want to be a woman in an existence where that is not automatically a Bad Thing, automatically a disadvantage. I am born guilty of the fall of humanity on my shoulders and told my shoulders can never be strong enough to carry that weight. a man will save me. be submissive. men are leaders, you are not naturally a leader. 

men are logical. they can compartmentalize. women are emotional. they cannot compartmentalize, they are ruled by their emotions. men are waffles. women are spaghetti. men are from mars. women are from venus. pop psychology will explain why men are Better. they are better at math, geometry, women cannot visualize things in their brains like that. women are not good engineers. women are soft and kind and nurturing. THIS IS WHAT WAS TOLD TO MY FACE AS A CHILD. i nodded. ok this must be so, i do not see it, it is not true for me, it is not true of any of the women i know, but my dad is saying this IT MUST BE TRUE. how does he know how my brain is wired? 

an escape. i learned about biblical singleness. i do not have to marry, i do not have to trade one household bondage for another, one male protector for a new one. i have an option? I can be single, nay, a single MISSIONARY. i can escape america, the bible belt, i can really and truly help people. i can share my burdens with them so i do not have to carry them alone. it will please god. it will make up for my being born a useless woman. if i do not marry, i do not have to submit to a man. i can be free. i can find some type of comfort in this lifetime.

somewhere along the way, i put aside my ever-growing frustrations toward the treatment of women and the hypocrisy. husbands lead the wife, they are the Head of the Household. I never saw that enacted. Pastor’s wives planned events, spoke at bible studies, sat on committees - it was limited to women only events, yes, but they led? they spoke? they taught and preached and sang and witnessed? the cognitive dissonance was too much. they budgeted, they shopped, they wore clothes i wasn’t allowed to, they were showy. but not allowed to speak in church, not allowed to preach, to pastor, to shepherd. they could mentor. Oh! Perfect. call it a different name and then you can do it. You’re not a pastor, a mentor. Not a preacher, a Bible teacher. The pastor husbands walked around domineering their families and making all the decisions? No - their families would have imploded. They preached submission but in function they were a team. everyone’s parents were. so i guess we can get away with it, and that makes it ok. label it differently and suddenly the bible has nothing to say on that particular matter. they are playing theological gymnastics, but if they can, i can too. i can sleep at night now, i do not have to be angry at god. i can ignore it.

A thought. I believe it grew in the garden of my own mind, but it’s possible a wayward seed blew in from elsewhere but I don’t remember. I was all-in, I silenced my doubts, I screwed my courage to the sticking place, I said yes I believe this, yes I am a dirty sinner, yes I do not deserve grace or mercy or forgiveness, yes I believe that god can give me that anyway in return for my life, my love, my thoughts, my actions, my deeds, my affiliations, my comfort, my pride, my complete and total surrender of my Self, my personality, my person, my autonomy, my desires, my entire existence. I was fervent. I learned the most, I delved in deep, it was theology, soteriology, epistemology, apologetics, baptisms and trinities and divine mysteries. i knew nothing of secular science, i learned nothing of sex. I knew dead men - Calvin, Luther, Arminius, Aquinas, Origen, Augustine, Spurgeon, Bonhoeffer, Wycliff, Niemoller, Lewis, Piper, Paul, James, I knew creeds, doctrines, catechisms, doxology, councils, heresies. 

And I thought. I am all in. I accept all this. I evoke the proper response in myself when I learn these things. If I were born in any other time, any other place, into any other religion - I would accept those things just as eagerly and honestly. Would I not? How could I not? I earned the praise of adults, the admiration of youth group peers, I could exercise my intellect in a way not too offensive for a female to do, because it was always good to learn the bible, right? I was special, smart, serious. A student of the bible, i committed HUNDREDS of verses to memory, i competed in competitions that tested my knowledge of scripture against my peers, I was dominant. It nagged at me. I would have been the best anything, the best Muslim, the best Mormon, the best Hindu, the best Orthodox Jew (especially Orthodox Jew - there are so many RULES and ways to do it BETTER), I was completely lost in the swirl of religiosity that was my life. I did Christian ballet, Christian theater, watched Christian entertainment, listened to Christian music, went to Christian summer camp, had Christian friends, was in a Christian home school group, read Christian books, did Christian mission trips, and eventually chose to go to a Christian college. Not to brag, to sound so insanely arrogant - any religion would be happy to have me. I would give your cult a great name. I’ve got the resume and CV to join any believing army, just give me my marching orders. I swallowed my Self in the belly of the whale of god. My whole life and personality were these things and activities.

then - purity culture hit. and it brought back all the female trauma. the trauma of existing as a woman who THINKS in the subculture of christianity insanity.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Fifty-Three

That vile man stood hunched over, then laughed up a storm before once again standing up straight.

“What a bold declaration, but from you, it rings hollow. You don’t truly believe anyone is innocent, do you, Etna?”

“What?! You really are Miss CEO?! I thought you were Versailles!”

I turned my head to the side. “I would rather die than become a CEO. There are some evils that I won’t stoop to.”

“Indeed, miss Juniper. Your friend here died to become the entity known as Dr. Etna. So did you.” He laughed again. “And now that the two of you are here once more, Dr. Etna can be born anew! Hopefully this time, she’ll be more obedient.”

“Funny. This is my first time seeing you,” I ignored his own threatening declarations.

“Even if you didn’t count the multiple versions of you that I’ve crossed paths with, that simply isn’t true.”

“I’m sorry, you don’t ring any bells.”

“Not surprising,” he chuckled. “Your lapses in memory, after all. Not to mention that you only ever encountered me once throughout each incarnation. I was never a part of the ETNA project; I was only an observer. I belonged to the Militia Department, a group which oversaw each war throughout history. Rather rotten work, though, wouldn’t you agree? The Militia Department was pretty much the Department of War, but then we also have a Peace Department. This whole company is a floating contradiction!”

“Ah, but the thing I love most about here is the fact that you can see entire lifetimes pass with little time at all passing here. I observed the ETNA project in its very beginning. Quite a fascinating thing, but just as you must have heard, an utter failure. None of the children could handle the power of the angel. As for your father,” his lips spread to a wider smile, his voice grew more raspy. “When he was ordered to include his own daughter into the project, he did not refuse. But rather than dispose of you in the end like all the other failed experiments, he took you and ran off. He tried to change his identity.”

I shook. He must have been trying to rile me up, in order for me to lower my guard. I had to look past his words, not let them stick to me.

“Look at you!” He spread his arms out. “How much you’ve grown! He created his own device to travel through time under the guise that it was the first. He failed to realize that he never did send in his resignation letter! He was Flashbulb property, just like the device he created was, and just like you are!”

“Enough!” I shouted. “None of that matters to me anymore!”

He shrugged. “Oh, I know. I was just reminiscing. As for when we met proper, you were young, but just a few years into adulthood. We had captured you, but you managed to escape once again. It must have been over a dozen times that we enacted our fleeting encounter, but it never gets old to me. Rather, it’s like rehearsing for a play. Each time, I get to deliver my line with just a little more passion. I, Dr. Lamington, and you, the girl who would forsake every identity if it meant getting to live another day.”

He walked over to me, slow strides. I stood froze, even in my more loathsome state, I was the one horrified. The memory resurfaced.

“Ah, those eyes. Is it time to repeat my timeless line?”

He extended his arm to his side and the metal rod flew back to him.

“Electromagnetism?!” Juniper was in awe.

“Magnets, or magic? Miracles, really. I admit, I don’t know how it works, myself.”

“I remember,” I found myself speak up.

“Tell me, how many identities will you cast aside in order to keep this up?”

“I’ll forsake every part of me if I have to if it means I can stay alive,” I followed up, the words passionless. As if recited from a script.

“Bravo!”

“Verse! Watch out!” Her voice came into my head.

I saw the swing of the metal rod and caught it in my left hand. Steam seeped out from my palm and bent the rod; it snapped in his hand, and once again, I yanked it away. Then, I swiped at his cheek with my other hand. Blood trickled down from the claw marks on his cheek, and he held his hand over the wound, but rather than cry out in pain, he laughed.

“Look at you! How much you’ve grown! You really did cast everything aside, even yourself!”

“Yes,” I gave a short nod. “I threw so much away in order to protect myself. Now, I no longer care about keeping myself alive, so long as I can protect another.”

“Again! Another bold declaration! How wonderful! How noble of you!”

“You can’t be serious, can you? You need to live!” Juniper cried out from behind you.

I shook my head. “No. You need to live. I may wither here, but I will not allow you to be harmed. Go now. Leave this room.”

I saw her get up and run out the door from the corner of my eye. He did not prevent her escape. He remained fixated on me.

“Whether it’s her, both of you, or just you, it doesn’t matter.”

“You’re right: it doesn’t matter. Because you won’t get the chance to take either of us.”

“How can you hold yourself to that when you’re withering away?”

It was true: my body was growing weaker even as the part of me which held the entity persisted. I wasn’t like Blanc; I wasn’t meant to hold this all in.

“I’ll tear you limb from limb before I disappear completely,” I assured him. He laughed at that remark.

“Yes, you’ve become quite bloodthirsty in your transformed state.”

“You have no idea,” my lips spread to form a smile, the fangs of my teeth stuck out and blood dripped down from my mouth. I wiped my mouth, then I pounced on him. He had little time to react; he tried to grab the metal rod, but I tore his hand right off. “Aah!” He yelped, but his reaction was rather short, and he went right back to hysterics. “That’s right! I heard how you made quick of our top mercenaries! I see now! But even with them gone, we could just hire more and more! Even in the state you’re in, you would always be pursued!”

I sliced his other hand clean off. I let out a sigh of pleasure.

“That’s why I came here,” I crooned. “So I could be the pursuer instead.”

I began to laugh. “Didn’t I make good on my word?”

Rather than show any hint of being in pain, he continued to smile as well. “That you did. But you still made a mistake.”

“Oh?”

“I never needed my hands. I just needed to keep you still.”

I got up off of him, fear rose in me as I backed away. He too got up.

He bumped into the generator, and to the side, I noticed a button. Above me, a machine with a needle-like funnel with a laser attached descended and was aimed right at me.

“All I need to do is give the order and your life will vanish! To think, you came right to me, and once again, fell to the same fate! It’s so wonderful! Don’t worry, though! Your life will start anew, as Dr. Etna once more, and this time I will make sure –”

“You talk too much,” I heard the voice of someone behind him say.

He fell over.

I watched as the one who stood behind him was none other than Juniper.

“I thought I told you to leave!” I cried out.

“Yeah, I did. But I could still hear everything from outside. It wasn’t like I could just leave you with that guy.”

“You shouldn’t be here!” I shouted. “You should be somewhere safe!”

“Oh, sure. That’s the thanks I get for saving your life.”

“Why?” I looked away. I didn’t want to face her looking the way I did.

“I told you already, didn’t I? People care about you. You shouldn’t do something so stupid like throw yourself away. I don’t care what you look like, you’re still the same person,” then I heard her whisper. “In fact, that monster form is kind of hot…”

Birds of a feather.

“Thank you,” I muttered.

“No problem! Anyway, I’m gonna go. This room isn’t all that interesting to me.”

I looked at her as she left. “Stay safe, okay?”

“I get it,” she said before we parted ways. “You’ve got some weird crush on me, but look, you’re a married woman, and you gotta respect that.”

What?!

I looked down and smiled. Even as the way I was, I couldn’t help but nod along. “Yeah. You’re right.”

As she left, I looked over to the unconscious Dr. Lamington. I had little strength in me, but I already found myself reverting to a more human appearance. I dragged his body against the wall and conjured up some rope, then tied him up.

I sat in the corner of the room and waited for him to wake up. He loved a good show, so I would allow him to remain alive, as an audience.

“I’m sorry, Velvet,” I shook my head and smiled. “I’m going to do just what I intended to. Even after meeting up with you and the others, I’m still going to go through with it.” I shook my head again. “I really wanted to protect you all, but I’m going to have to lower that shield now that I am alone once again.”

Maybe I too loved to run my mouth. Or maybe it was just the state I was in. The delirium. The anxiety of what I would soon carry out.

Dr. Lamington woke up not a moment later. His affable and cordial act was replaced by a panic at his situation.

“You’re still here?”

“Ah, you’re finally awake.”

“Untie me! You’re better than this!”

“I have nothing but contempt for you all. For years, I wished for nothing more but to kill every last person who wronged me. But I never quite did that. So you’re right. Even as for the ones I did kill, it was either in an altered state, or accidental.”

“Do you think that absolves you of your actions?” He cried out. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to psych me out.

“On the contrary,” I got up. “You wanted to see Etna, didn’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

I pulled out a USB drive. “I must warn you: I’m not very good with computers.”

“Whatever you’re about to do, please reconsider!”

“Hmm...no.”

“I can tell you what happened to your father!” He grew desperate.

“You can, can you?”

“Yes!”

“That’s too bad. I’m no longer interested in such a thing.”

He begged and pleaded, but the words were drowned out. It took a few tries, but I got it in. Then, I turned on the computer. In an instant, the monitor lit up. I dragged the cursor over to the program on the drive, then clicked.

What a pitiful state I was in. To think it was no illusion, but instead an insult added to injury. We were in my laboratory, far into the labyrinth underneath the city. All of which was in ruin, as was I.

It would take a good deal of time for me to recover. In the meantime, she sat on the floor, while I, connected to wires, waiting to be fully recharged.

“What did you mean when you said ‘let’s work together’?” I asked.

“You of all people shouldn’t be wondering such a thing.”

How wonderful. Her voice was so devoid of emotion. I wanted to weep tears of joy upon seeing her driven so low by despair, but I could do no such thing in my weakened state.

“You believe you can make a deal with me.” Make no mistake; that wasn’t a question. That was a statement.

“Neither of us are satisfied with our current situations,” she replied. The whole time, she never looked my way. Not that I could blame her. She already told me she despised me, as she should.

“To make a deal with me is to make a deal with the devil.”

“I know. But as I said, there may be no place of comfort for me. I’m finding that I am the same devil as you.”

The last time I saw her, she was in denial of such a thing. I think I preferred it that way. Any other time, I would revel in her despair, but at the moment, I was dealing with my own hopelessness. To think that mad half-Beige could drive me to such a state, besting me at my own game, with half the wit. It disgusted me.

“Since when did you wear your hair braided?”

She didn’t turn to me. “It was something I thought would make me happy. But not even an angel’s blood can bring me joy.”

“I see. It looks ridiculous.”

“I didn’t ask.”

Even if I couldn’t fully enjoy it, I wanted to crush that faint bit of hope that I sensed she still possessed.

“I want to meet up with someone. I think you already knew who.”

“Yes. The brat who made you who you are.”

“If you never meddled with this world, they never would have been the way they are.”

“That’s only true for a previous incarnation of me. The one of this world died not long ago.”

“Pity. I would have liked to have met them.”

“They died in Area 51, in fact, trying to save a friend. Pathetic, isn’t it?”

“Indeed. Saving someone you care about often results in the death of another.”

Unfazed. I couldn’t believe it.

“Would you like to know what became of the Juniper and Trent of this world?”

“Only so much as to know whether or not they ever met a version of me.”

“They didn’t. The ‘you’ of this world grew to be old, with a normal life, and died in her 60s.”

“Good for her.”

“As for those two, they also died. Trent worked himself to death attending to too many patients, and Juniper was crushed under her many inventions. Both related to the pandemic, in some way or another.” That was a lie. They were still alive, but she didn’t need to know that.

“Maybe it’s better that way. This world is dying. I think it would be less painful for them to die sooner rather than later.

“She was a deadbeat and he lacked ambition.”

“That doesn’t matter to me. I still cared about them and they cared about me. I just didn’t deserve it.”

“Indeed, you didn’t.”

She scoffed. “You sound like my mother.”

“If anything, you would be my mother, since I was made in your image.”

She made gagging noises. “That’s the most disturbing thing you said.”

Out of all the things. Such a simple joke.

“The reason it won’t work is because I’ve already brought myself into despair. You’re just upset because you didn’t get to take credit,” she added.

That struck me. It shouldn’t have, but it did.

“Tell me what your proposal is already.”

“I want to be rid of this. To be human again.”

I laughed my robotic laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha.

“Do you believe that I can do that for you?”

“I figured you were the only one I could turn to.”

“You are correct. I can remove it from you. In turn, it would be absorbed into me.”

“So you would become more powerful. Win-win.”

“Yes. But there is something else I would like you to do.”

“What?”

“I want you to take this,” I reached my arm out. She walked over and took it.

“A flash drive?”

“Call it what you want. It stores a copy of me within it.”

“What do you want me to do with this?”

“The Flashbulb has excluded me from returning to their headquarters. I want you to go there and upload the copy of me to one of their terminals. Once this planet is no more, I too will disappear, but I do not wish to die here.”

“I want nothing more to do with that place.”

“I understand that, which is why I think you will be pleased to know that once I am present there, I will kill every last inhabitant and reduce The Flashbulb to ashes. Of course, you will be spared, and free to leave.”

“Do what you want. My hatred for that organization runs deep.”

“Yes, and I always wanted to experience firsthand what vengeance feels like.”

“I’ll do it. I don’t care for anything else anymore expect being human again.”

She began to walk away. I would leave her to her own devices, but first, I had to warn her.

“If you try anything, I will know.” I didn’t even know if my threat reached her, but I couldn’t allow myself to not have power over someone.

She shook her head. “I don’t even know what I would try.”

I watched as she disappeared. All the best, my strength was returning to me. I too, had to be off, to attend to my other toy back in Nevada. Her struggle would be quite the delight.

I backed away from the computer terminal. Soon, she appeared in front of me, as if I was looking into a mirror.

“What have you done?!” He shouted. “She’s a monster with no respect for humanity! I wanted to create a new version who was more obedient! This one enjoys the suffering of others! She could never be good for humanity!”

Dr. Etna looked to her side where Dr. Lamington was.

“You talk too much,” her hollow and mechanical voice carried more menace than I thought she was capable.

That’s the same thing Juniper said to him. To think that this being’s personality could be a combination of both of us when she’s much more cruel than either of us. I know I made a mistake, but maybe I could at least persuade her to not kill Velvet and the others.

Shadowed limbs, much like thorny vines or tentacles, shot from out of her palm and tore through Dr. Lamington. I tried to look away, but even doing so, his screams rang through my ears and pierced through my mind. In an instant, he had become no more, and in his place was a mangled mess with blood and chunks of flesh stuck to the floor and walls.

His sick laughter paled in comparison to hers. Low and husky, she turned to me and crooned.

“It seems he caused you some trouble,” it sounded like she was toying with me. “Funny. It was no trouble at all for me.”

“Doctor,” was all I could manage to say. Where had my confidence gone?

“Professor,” she corrected. “I always preferred that title, myself.”

She moved about the room and I watched as she took note of her surroundings.

“I would have preferred if I had returned to my laboratory, but this will suffice,” it seemed like she had forgotten I was still in the room, until she made her way back to me. “Not to worry, dear, I have not forgotten our deal.”

I shuddered, but I regained composure. What did I have to fear? She was me, and I, her.

“I just have one more request before you strip me of my power.”

“’Strip you’? My, I didn’t think you brought me here just for that,” she teased.

“Shut it,” I growled. “I came here with a group of people. All I ask is that you bring no harm to them.”

“Oh my. Don’t get greedy, now.”

I took a step back. Even though I had made such a mistake, I didn’t want Velvet or the others to suffer for it. Especially not Juniper…

“Relax. I am nothing if not merciful. Let me see…” She held up her hand and began counting on her fingers. “That second-rate hacker, two living mistakes, and your distant bride. Four in total. Five, if counting you, but counting you feels a little redundant.”

“How do you know who I came with?” Could she read my thoughts? No. I didn’t see how. I may have sunk so low as to work with her, but she did not possess me.

“I watched you back on Earth before you left. Funny that you would still choose to fulfill our deal even considering who you chose to bring along. You must really be that desperate that you don’t care who dies if it means you can be rid of your ‘gift’.”

“It’s not like that! I just thought –”

“That I would obey your every whim? That I could play the role of your maid servant? Should I call you Madame?” She gave a short and false sounding laugh. “The way your mind works sure is something.”

“Just hurry up and take this from me. I’m afraid of myself and everything around me. I understand now that no matter what I try, I will never experience true happiness.”

She pushed her glasses up, then closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Dearie me, I may find myself a little sympathetic toward you. Your naivete is astounding. Try to think of the implications of your request. Do you really wish to proceed with this?”

I couldn’t tell whether she was being sincere or not. It all sounded like a great, big tease, which was all too typical of her. Why would she want to warn me of anything?

“Of course! More than anything! I wish to end this life as a demon!”

She scowled. “I think I preferred when you acted more devilish. You may find yourself eating such words.”

“I don’t care what you say! Just let me end this life so I can feel human again!”

“Very well,” she sighed. I closed my eyes and waited. I expected to feel something different, a change, but instead, I felt nothing.

I opened my eyes.

“Nothing happened,” I told her. Then it hit me.

My insides felt like they were twisting up, my head felt as if it had grown ten times heavier, and my legs gave out. I fell to the floor. The whole room around me turned to an oppressive feeling and while I clutched my stomach, it was as if gravity had increased and weighed exclusively on me.

“What...did you do to me?” I gasped out the words.

“I did exactly as you requested. You have no one but yourself to blame for this.”

Tears began to form from underneath my eyelids as I felt as if my face itself contorted. But no, that couldn’t be it. Something stirred in me. It was as if I was being cut open in every direction, an invisible force stabbing into me, causing ceaseless pain. I cried out, but I couldn’t even tell if I had made a sound. The weight continued to pull me down.

“What is happening to me?” I shouted, the tears pushed their way out and I couldn’t stop them. It was much more than a trickle, it was like an endless barrage of hail. “I never wanted to feel this way!”

“I know,” I heard her speak. I couldn’t even see very well anymore. My glasses fell off my face, having gotten fogged up anyway. My face was against the floor, and in my mind, I begged and pleaded for it all to end. It was all. Too. Much. “I even tried to warn you against it. Albeit, last minute, but still. I gave you the option to back out.”

“Am I dying?” I struggled to get the words out. Spoken through sobs, my voice drowned out.

“No. You only feel like you are.”

“WHY?!” I shouted through the tears, my voice grown hoarse. Weak. Like a child. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, or who I was becoming.

“You’re experiencing for the first time what it would have been like had you not been born with Euphoria in you. She really is a guardian angel, you know.” It sounded like she was so far away, and musing to herself only, but I could tell she was still next to me. “You weren’t a failed experiment. Rather, it was because of her influence that you were able to get as far as you were.”

“What are you talking about?!”

“Your anger and passion when you were younger. You felt that way because it made you happy to feel so strong and defend yourself. When you were being pursued, you were always able to evade or escape capture, not because of your inherent abilities, but because being free would have made you happier. Living to fight, that brought you considerable joy. Though you may have thought yourself aloof, you were elated to be free.”

“But my father! The way my mother treated me! The fact that I was pursued in the first place! Losing my childhood girlfriend! Knowing that I would be doomed to become you! Losing my wife! Feeling like I could never be at peace! How can you say that I’ve always lived my life with this thing being a part of me when so much has gone wrong in my life?”

“That’s the thing, isn’t it? You got more of what you wanted than you realize: you must have thought at some point ‘I wish he would disappear’. That angel couldn’t dictate how your parents would treat you, but you were able to break free of your mother not long after your father disappeared. You wanted something to fight for, and thus, an enemy appeared. You broke free from Anais because you felt you would have a higher chance of survival if you were alone.”

“The only reason I exist is because at one point you were manipulated into believing the pros of my existence would outweigh the cons. You don’t remember this because it never happened to you that way, but it only took once for me to be born. After that, all your pursuers had to do was tell you that your fate to become me was inevitable.”

She went on, as if obligated to answer my every question.

“The fact that you found someone in the first place is because you desired security. You even said so, yourself. But that doesn’t mean you never loved her. Rather, you always desired a calming presence, a place to call home. Many people do. You are not unique in that regard. If by ‘losing her’ you’re referring to both of you dying to become me, again, you were manipulated and it only took once for the cycle to fall into place. I admit, my existence is a perversion. You shouldn’t consider me either of you two, nor a combination. I am the way I am because of the intentions in which I was created, after which, I developed into who I am now. You could say I am closer to that of that man I disposed of, or the overseers of the ETNA project.”

“In truth, I despise those who are like me. I prefer to drive people to the brink of despair, then have them reach the conclusion to live out their lives because there is no other option. Watching as they fall into a routine and accept their miserable existences because they’ve reached such a low point. That is delicious. But to see someone like me, that disgusts me. I admit, it was amusing to watch you think you were anything like me, but it grew tiresome.”

I shook. Fear? Dread? No. Something greater.

“Or, if by ‘losing her’, you mean only recently, after receiving the power that you thought you so desired, that was your choice. Knowing her, she would have stayed by your side, had you let her. To your last point, you could have always been at peace, had you known what would have truly made you happy.”

The tears continued to escape from within me. They wouldn’t stop. It was all so heavy, and brought with it so much pain.

“But I hurt her! I hurt so many people! I’ve done cruel things! I also manipulated others! I…” I huffed, my breaths felt like they were leaving from me as well. I didn’t deserve to breathe. I knew it already. “I took the form of a demon! I never felt like I could be happy!”

She sighed. “I never said the things you wanted were things that were right for you. Your appearance altered the way you did, because you already felt that about yourself. Your physical state was just reflecting how you thought you should be. Not just because you thought worse of yourself than you truly were, but because you desired to express yourself more freely. For years, you thought it was best for yourself to repress your emotions, to subdue them. Because you thought that doing so would be best for your overall happiness. I could tell that when we spoke upon your initial transformation that you would become more unstable. Why, you may ask? Because you were beginning to experience a wider range of emotions than just anger and it confused you.”

“I wish I could have known! I wish I didn’t have to learn this way! I didn’t want to go through all that!”

“I know. But it is too late to make wishes and expect them to be granted. The angel is gone from you now and what you are feeling is all the pain you kept down. Years and years of emotions you would have felt had you allowed yourself. Not to say I blame you, given everything you had to endure, the conclusion you came to was only natural. So many people have felt the same under less circumstances. ‘If I could only turn my emotions off’. Well, aren’t you a lucky girl? Now that that filter is gone, it’s all coming out at once.”

I slammed my fists against the floor, but I felt like my hands would fall off. It was too much, I was falling apart. I was normal, I was human, but I never got to experience these things before and it fucking hurt. The worst part of all of it was, as cruel as she was, as much of a propensity she had to lie, this time, I knew she was telling the truth.

It’s always been so wrong. Everything. My very existence. I should have never wanted any of those things. I was afraid. Much of my life. Afraid of my parents, afraid of my peers, afraid of society. So I tried to fight back. I lashed out at others. I was so afraid of becoming powerless, of being enslaved to something beyond my control. So I propped myself up. Tried to stand as tall as I was. But I was always stumbling, often hunched down. It was often too much to bear, and I held it in anyway.

All that grief. I held it in all so I could continue on. Did I deserve to continue on? Did I deserve to live in a world where I felt like I had to hurt others to protect myself? Or to protect them? Did they deserve any of that?

For so long I thought that the reason I held my emotions back was because deep down, I was someone who got off on the pain of others. But that wasn’t it. I myself was in pain, and in turn, I thought the world should have been as well. That wasn’t right, either. Because in truth, I only wanted my life to be full of peace. A life full of love. Instead, I thought I could settle on security. But I was always insecure, even then.

Even now. I cannot stop myself from letting it out anymore. I don’t want to. But I deserve to, don’t I? To feel the full force of the pain throughout my life. I deserve to die along with my emotions.

“Please…” My voice hoarse, a near croak. “Kill me.”

“Normally, I would oblige, but I prefer it this way.”

Right. That was how she was. To watch me suffer. That was what brought her joy.

“How can I live with all that I’ve done? I brought you with me! It all hurts! I don’t deserve to live!”

“That’s not for me to say. Stay here and die, if that’s what you want. But the two of us are no longer one.”

“I feel so weak,” my words couldn’t even register as a whisper. They were so hoarse and broken.

“Yes. That’s how you have always been: Not a killer, not a demon, not someone so cruel. Just a weak, scared, little girl.”

“...Please…” I reached beside me. I reached out. “Let me feel you one last time.”

“Very well. After, I leave you so I may slaughter every living soul in this headquarters. You made a mistake bringing me here. I hope you know that.”

Even still, she extended her hand. I was so blinded, so weakened. But just to experience her in her physical form. I took her hand, picked myself up, then sent her my goodbye.

By driving the metal rod through her chest.

“You...made a mistake...by taking on a physical form.”

I could see a little more clear. Red. Blood running down her lab coat. I wondered if that too, was artificial. Rather than be in any kind of shock, she spoke with her same monotone.

“Right through the heart. I didn’t even know I had such a thing.”

My balance was off. I took a couple steps away, then fell back once more. I knew it. I was too weak to even stand.

“I’m proud of you. You finally managed to face your demon.”

I looked up. It was so unclear, but I knew nothing would have fixed that. I was in far too broken a state. If I were to shatter into pieces, it would come as no surprise to me.

But what I saw was not a corpse fall. Make no mistake; she had died. That copy, anyway. But she was always artificial. So it only made sense that she would simply disappear, rather than leave behind a body.

Her death was no illusion, either. There was no one else in her place. The drive that had been in the computer had also disappeared. Not because it was an illusion, but because it seemed to only exist as a part of her.

How I knew this? I didn’t. But it was the most comfort I could take. Because I didn’t want to think that I had truly unleashed her upon others. Because in this room, I was alone. Lonely. But I didn’t think I should have felt any other way. Everything hurt. To simply exist was a painful experience. I didn’t know what to expect, because it was the first time in my life that I was fully human.

If I didn’t get up and move, there was the risk of being found and killed or captured. But I couldn’t find the will. All I could do was lay there and sob.

I was free. I was unhappy.

[dailyaudiobible]

06/21/2020 DAB Transcript

2 Kings 1:1-2:25, Acts 13:42-14:7, Psalms 139:1-24, Proverbs 17:19-21

Today is the 21st day of June welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it's great to be here with you as we collectively twist the knob and throw open the gateway and step into a brand-new week. It is all out there in front of us. Let’s live into it with all of our hearts as we stay in close step fellowship with Jesus, the power of the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us into all truth. And that will make for…that will make for a good week. So, let's step into this week doing that and doing what we do every day, taking the next step forward as we continue the journey through the Bible. And today…I mean it's a special day because we’re beginning a new book in the Old Testament the book of second Kings. But there’s not really a lot to talk about second Kings that we haven’t already talked about, even all the way back to first Samuel, second Samuel and first Kings. These were all one…one scroll. They were…they were all one book at one time. And, so, things have been broken up into chapters and verses over time for ease of reference, etc. etc. And this has happened over many centuries that have preceded us. So, we will be picking up where we left off. Of course, the book…the books of Kings are telling us the stories of who reigned in the kingdom of Israel, which is the 10 tribes in the North and the kingdom of Judah which is the king…which is the tribe of Judah and Benjamin in the South. So, let's pick up the story. Second Kings, chapters 1 and 2 today. And we’ll read from the New International Version this week.

Prayer:

Father, we thank you for your word. We thank you for this new week that we have walked into and we thank you for what we were greeted with as we come into this new week from the Psalms, that there is nowhere that we can go that you are not, that there is no where we can be to flee from your spirit - up, down, left or right - does not matter which direction we go or how far we go we cannot escape your spirit, which means that your presence is perpetually available to us, which means that you are present to us right this moment if we would simply have eyes to see and open those eyes and become aware. So, come Holy Spirit as we move into this new week. Lead us deeper into Jesus. Lead us on the narrow path that leads to life. Lead us into all truth we ask in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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Today in the United States it's Father's Day. And, you know, fathers as with mothers are celebrated at different points of the year in different regions and different countries, but today is Father's Day. And, so, happy Father's Day all of you fathers out there. I’m a father as well. And, so, you know, I think of the great privilege that it has been to be a father to my children and I think of the profound impact that they have had on my life and…and just showing me the heart of God by forcing me…by forcing me to…to not only receive His fathering but to give…to give it back to my children the best flawed, stumbling way that I can. And, so, yeah…as we remember our fathers today let's remember them in prayer. Let's lift them before the Lord. It’s a difficult job to be a parent but it is…it is how the gospel advances forward from generation to generation. And, so, happy Father's Day. All of you men out there, happy Father's Day.

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Community Prayer and Praise:

My Abba you have called me. I hear you - to listen, to absorb, to feel, to understand, to reach back, to pray. Please give me the discernment, the wisdom, the words, the energy to answer your call. My 21-year relationship with multiple sclerosis will do its best to get in the way but you have called me to pray and to call the DAB, the DABC and to write on Facebook. Thank you I love you so much my Abba. This is Adrian from Maryland and I love my DAB family.

Hello, my name is Javier I am 26 years old and I live in Florida first time caller. I’ve been listening almost a month now and I just wanted to thank everybody for…for…for…for this application. It has changed my life most definitely. I just love listening to…to every word that comes from the Bible and to be a part of a community of love and peace. I…I battle with my…with guilt and…and…and just a lot of sorrow and I know I’m going…well I am going through some warfare and I…I just feel guilt over my pats sin. And I just ask everyone to pray for me to have strength and that I can trust and continue to fight this war in Jesus’ name. I thank you and love everybody so much. This honestly has changed my life so so much.

Hi DAB family this is Julie I’ve been listening since January and I’ve called in a few times. I took care of my mom for six years in my home. She had stage IV colon cancer and then she died in March and I thank everybody for the prayers at that time. God has placed it on my heart to pray for and ask for prayer for kids in the United States, kids in my area and your area who are in foster care or kids who need to be in foster care or kids who are still in a bad situation in their home or a relative’s home. These kids are often so scared and sad and angry and afraid. They don’t know if they’re gonna be able to stay in a foster home, if they’re gonna to a bad situation at home. And there’s so many kids and not enough people to take care of them. Help me in praying for these children for their safety. And pray that there’ll be more people willing to help these kids, foster families or mentors or whatever we can do to help them. Thanks DAB family.

Good morning DAB community my name is Nyia and I’m a black woman in America with a 26-year-old son and a husband and I am gripped with fear. I cannot sleep. I love God, I know I trust Him, and I know He has not given me the spirit of fear. But in these times, I have become so fearful. I do not want my family out there. When my son is a car I cannot think, I cannot breathe. When my husband leaves the house to go to the grocery store, I am paralyzed with fear. This is not healthy for me. I have prayed and prayed, and I cannot get fear away from my heart. And I’m asking for your prayers. I am praying with all of you guys that the Holy Spirit will come and bring peace in America and bring justice for African Americans all around the world. And I’m asking you to just pray for me and my family and I will continue to pray for you as well. May God bless us all during these trying times. I thank you so much.

Good morning this is Sonia in Austin Texas and I am calling for a sister that called back a couple months ago and she was very sad because she’s a single woman, she’s never been married, she has no children and it was coming up on Valentine’s Day and she wasn’t able to celebrate that with a significant other and Mother’s Day would be coming up and she said that there’s just all these reminders at her job and everything else that, you know, she just didn’t fit in these categories and there just was a lot to celebrate. But she did say on June 16th 1989 and today is June 16th 2020 that she gave her life to the Lord and she can celebrate that. And sister I want you to know that I am celebrating with you today the most important decision that you have ever made and will ever make in your lifetime and that is to become a follower of Christ. In we here at your family, the DAB family, we rejoice with you, we love you, you are not alone. God is with you every day. And I just want you to know that I have been thinking about you and praying for you and I will continue to do so. If you want to reach out to me, I have a funny email is called bugtickle@gmail.com. And sister, I’d love to become a partner with you and just know that…that you’ve been on my heart. And congratulations! Today is your day. What a beautiful day. Heaven is rejoicing remembering the decision that you made. Well, my time is up, and I want you to know that we love you and your so in our thoughts. Congratulations again.

Good morning Daily Audio Bible this is Cheryl in southeastern Washington. Got through…got through listening to the Daily Audio Bible with Brian. Thank you, Brian and Jill for this ministry, this podcast that we can come together and listen to the word and…and to hear what God has to say and to also listen to the prayer requests. Right now I want to…I heard a prayer request from Patricia in New Orleans just asking that God take her pain away. And I’m just letting you know Patricia, I’m gonna be praying for you that God will completely heal you and that he would just bless your socks off Patricia and thank you so much for calling in. And just know that Cheryl in southeastern Washington is praying for you. God bless you, God be with you, God heal you. And thank you Daily Audio Bible family. Love you all. Bye.

I can’t believe. These words have been, a cry for help and a battle cry as our world gets swept up in the spirit of baseless hate that’s overtaking us, hate for those who don’t follow COVID rules, hate for those who do follow the rules, hate for mask wearers and non-wearers, for Chinese people where a virus began, for foreign people after we closed our borders and now again for our black people. I can’t breathe. Why? Is this hate infiltrating me and changing the into a hateful person? God forbid it. Our world is changing but God You aren’t changing. We again find ourselves in a desert. We walk towards it originally to escape persecution fear and yet we became fearful and we began to persecute each other. God help us to overcome the fear of being unable to breathe because the desert temperatures have become too hot, to overcome the fear of dying from thirst because we forget that You are our living water, to overcome the fear of dying from hunger because we forget that You’re very word is enough to sustain us, to overcome the fear of abandonment because we can no longer see the one who leads us who is up on that mountain. Help us to overcome the temptation to build up golden idols because we forget Your promises to return to us, because we forget that the mountaintop is not really that far. It is and has always been within reach. It has been within reach through the grace of Your cross and Your Holy Spirit but even if we…if we still feel that if we can’t climb because we can no longer breathe, Lord You have promised to climb down to us again and You have sent us Your breath of life to help us to hold on until You get here. Help us to breathe Lord, help us to hold on. In the name of the Father in the son of the Holy Spirit be blessed family and be a blessing.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ @sasuhinamonth || SasuHina Month 2019 || Day Four: Nightmares ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina, blood, gore ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ] [ AO3 Link ]

Theirs is a world of terrible visions when you close your eyes.

The life of a shinobi is one wrought with difficult choices, and living with the consequences of your actions. Deaths of comrades ride heavy on your shoulders, scars are a sign you got off light. Memories are both a blessing and a curse. Horrors manifest in their dreams: a blend of recalled battles and terrible what-ifs.

Sasuke’s began before hers.

Tsukuyomi was enough to give him nightmares for a lifetime. Hours and hours of replayed images: bodies, blood, screams, pleads. A recount of his brother’s actions, delivered to every minute detail, amplified and burned into his brain like hot irons.

For weeks he slept little, if at all. Too frightened that - out of the dark - a pair of strange red eyes, unlike the Sharingan he’d come to know, would be staring at him, the glint of a blade flashing before it sunk into his flesh..

But eventually his body would give in, giving him a few fitful hours of rest before his mind would resurface back into his waking nightmare and paranoia. A kind of numbness grew, a necessity to survive. For years they plagued him, slowly subduing to an ache, like a wound healed over that would complain with stormy weather.

Hinata’s were sparing as a child. At times she would see her mother, only for her to disappear...or suffer the disappointment of her father she couldn’t escape even in sleep. But it was only after her battle with Neji that true fear bled into her dreams. Of her heart bursting, stopping...a terrible pain in her chest that felt like her body was splitting in two.

Thankfully they didn’t last too long - as her body healed, and as Neji changed after his battle with Naruto, the fear greatly lessened...but would still haunt her on occasion when stress was high.

Then...there was her battle with Pein. Nightmares of losing control of her body, of being puppeted through the air, thrown to the ground, impaled with those strange black rods...they’d always find her waking abruptly, dripping with sweat and heart fluttering in her chest.

For the longest time, neither of them spoke of these dreams. Or any that came after: Sasuke of staring his dying brother in the eyes, Hinata of watching Neji’s body be punctured by mokuton. It was normal, they knew. Everyone had nightmares. Everyone carried visions that haunted them at night.

After the war, after Sasuke’s return, he found himself crossing Hinata’s path more and more often. Already lacking friends after all that had happened, he fell in with her so naturally. Similar natures, similar experiences...and they each found someone who just felt so easy to talk to. So it wasn’t long before they breached the topic of night terrors.

And what a relief…! To finally speak of what haunted them, and find no judgment, no dismissal...and no write-off pity. Just a somber understanding.

If anything, baring such wounds to each other only made it all the easier to get closer. Shared secrets, so personal, so painful...was a wordless pact they made without even realizing it.

“...do you still see them?”

“...sometimes. It’s gotten better since aniki was brought back, and Shisui returned. I think...having them around makes me feel more...at peace. It’s not the whole of my family, but...it’s more than I ever expected to have.” Sasuke’s lips flicker. “...my niece and nephew help, too. It’s so...calming to be with them. To see new blood after so long. The way my brother looks at them…”

Hinata smiles softly. “I’m so glad you have them, Sasuke-kun. And I’m glad the nightmares are easing up.”

A nod. “...you?”

“...I still have the Pein dream sometimes. I think...it’s because I feel so directionless right now. So I fall back into that m-mindset of being so...easily thrown about. And Neji’s death still, um...still comes up sometimes. Even after he’s been back for so many months. I think...I’m just scared to lose him again. But at least with his position as Hanabi’s advisor...he’ll be a lot safer.”

“True...but just because we logically know those fears aren’t a reality anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still feel them.”

“Yes...I think you’re right. But…” A slight pause. “...I think...talking about them helps. Whenever I talk with you like...like this, I always sleep well the next night.”

“...me too.” Eyeing her carefully, Sasuke admits, “...I...appreciate that, Hyūga. Being able to...talk to you.”

Hinata blinks, and then softens. “...I’m glad we’re friends too, Sasuke-kun.”

“...yeah...friends…”

“...yeah.”

                                                        .oOo.

     I'm...not 100% satisfied with this, buuut I did my best. This weekend has been veeery draining, and juggling like three different projects this month is a lil tiresome ^^; BUT I'm doing my best, aha~      I think it's mostly because this is a prompt I'd like to do a lot more with...? But I want to limit myself with these to make sure I don't burn out, so...it just feels a little incomplete due to limitations. Maybe I can elaborate on it later, so...this'll just have to do lol      Both these beans have a lot of baggage and nightmares to deal with. While that's true for just about any shinobi, I think they find it easier to confide in each other than anyone else just due to how well they get along, and their similar experiences. Hopefully they can help each other heal n_n      But yeah, that's all for this piece! Thanks for reading~

[mermaider00]

Mer the soulmate au prompts are so good! 23 and/or 27!

27. The one where you can transfer any injuries/pain your soulmate has onto yourself 

A sweet AU, of sorts for Ventor. 

Featuring Thace, an unsung hero 

———————————————————

It takes a long time for a planet to burn completely. 

Zarkon made him watch the entire process after he decided to banish him. Lotor was no longer part of the Empire and he might as well have been disowned as the Emperor’s son and the prince of the Galra, but a command from Zarkon was a command that would be heeded regardless of position and title. With guards and the witch at his back, Lotor remained on his knees as he watched the only home he’d ever known burn to ash. 

He wanted to scream and rage and destroy every last person loyal to Zarkon on the Emperor’s imperial flagship. His insides boiled and his heart melted to nothing as if he was still on the planet with its people, but this was the punishment he would be given for simple kindness on a planet Zarkon had wanted him to enslave. Lotor didn’t want to know what his punishment would be if his father knew about his relationship with his aide. But perhaps it didn’t matter anymore if it was known. 

Zarkon had ended his son’s love affair without even knowing it. 

It was a simple satisfaction, something he could always keep for himself. Lotor watched the flames eat the planet so someone would always remember the peaceful people who’d once lived there, and he eyed the Empire’s war fighters fly around it to make sure their weapons were doing its job.  

It took hours. An entire day. Lotor watched it all, and grieved for his home, for his people, for his love. 

And then a soldier came to collect him, and toss him out of the Empire forever. 

“Follow me.” 

Lotor walked behind the assigned Galra, trying not to drag his feet and still trying to hold in that scream of rage and mourning. He could hardly care about watching his back or exactly where this solder was taking him, so he only followed the Galra called Thace as he led him… somewhere. Somewhere far away from his father and disgrace attached to his name. 

They walked the dark halls of the flagship in silence. Thace kept his head held high and his palm on his weapon in case the exiled prince decided to unleash the turmoil he must be feeling deep inside. Though he remained calm and cool and collected, Thace’s eyes wandered over their surroundings. He tapped twice on the metal of his pistol with one sharp claw. 

Lotor noticed the lack of guards around them, and the quiet was crushing. 

“So,” Lotor began surprisingly calmly. He was well versed in bracing for impact and accepting the outcome. “Did my father order you to kill me quietly? That is unlike him.” 

Thace didn’t turn around. He kept his eyes forward and the plan in motion. “The Emperor gave me no such order.” 

“So this is just some righteous decision you’ve made on your own? How kind of you. You’ve grasped this opportunity to please Zarkon.” Lotor’s gaze took in their surroundings as well. The soldier was now leading him onto an attached ship ready for departure. He could feel the engines humming under his boots. “Mercy then,” he murmured, and still he accepted it. “You’ll kill me here, send me off. The surviving threat to your Emperor is truly eliminated.” 

Thace spun around at that, after the doors to the ship closed behind the prince. “I’m not going to kill you, sir.” 

Lotor lifted a shoulder. The act appeared gracefully, but his face was still fallen and defeated. “Why else are you here?” 

The solider held the prince’s gaze. Time to make it quick, time to carry out his orders. His true orders. 

“I’m here to offer you a better life,” he told Lotor softly. “A new beginning for you… and your wife.” 

Lotor stilled, and the hands set behind his back clenched tightly into fists. His heart had been burned and melted but he could feel charred remnants quiver inside him. “How do you know about my wife?” he asked slowly. 

“We know everything. We see everything. The blade can cut… but it can also free a man from bondage.” 

The blade, Lotor mused. But it was quickly forgotten in favor for something far more important. “My wife is dead.” 

There was a soft hint of a grin at the corner of Thace’s mouth. He lifted a hand, and pointed to another door nearby. The door to the ship’s infirmary. “Not yet.” 

The charred remnants quivered… and then they pulsed. Lotor rushed to the doors. 

“Sir, you must be careful–” 

The prince ignored him. Inside the infirmary was a bed with beeping machines surrounding it, some blood stains here and there… and a body under the sheets. He stopped and stared, his chin trembling a bit and his eyes slowly filling up in joy and relief and fear and incredible worry. 

Ven’tar was under the sheets. She was alive. 

She was alive. 

He quickly approached the bed, his gaze unsure if it wanted to study the machines and the information on them or her injuries or just her. She was breathing slowly but she was still breathing, and even though she was badly burned and he was pretty sure she was missing a leg, it hardly mattered because there she was, her heart beating away and her brain functioning and her eyes fluttering, though it was done so in pain. She was stabilized, but she would have a long way to go to recovery. 

He would wait as long as it took. 

Lotor gently took one of her hands, and waited for her pretty eyes to find him. Even in her critical condition, they gleamed up at him. 

“Ven’tar,” he whispered with a teary smile. 

Her throat swallowed as she tried to regain her voice. When she did, she weakly murmured out, “You’re alive.” 

“I’m right here. I won’t leave you.” 

“I love you,” she breathed out, then her face scrunched up in pain. “It hurts. Everything hurts.” 

It was an automatic thing when he carefully reached under her slim neck and gently lifted her head. He leaned down and set his forehead on the tips of her antennae. “Let me take the pain from you. Give it to me.” 

She attempted to turn away, though she barely had the strength. “No.” 

“Do it, Ven. Please.” 

“I won’t,” she sobbed a little. Her hand in his squeezed a bit. Her kind had the ability to transfer their pain onto their life mate, but she refused. “I won’t hurt you.” 

Lotor couldn’t force her - she had to do it on her own. But he wanted to force her. He would rather feel her pain than let her suffer. Not when she was now returned to him. He didn’t even know how to respond to her. All he could do was stare down at a sight he thought was lost to him forever. 

Even through her pain and the knowledge that she was without one of her legs, Ven’tar still smiled up at him. “I’ll never hurt you. I promised that. I vowed it.” 

They were sweet and precious words given to someone like him. On the day of their bonding ceremony, she vowed it before her people and her god. But the day she met him was when she promised it without him ever knowing. 

“They saved me,” she whispered to him, her eyes fluttering closed so she could sleep again. And heal. 

“They,” Lotor repeated, but she was already out from the medications. He spun around, and stared over at the forgotten Thace who’d remained quiet and respectful. He kept Ven’tar’s hand in his own. 

After a few moments, Thace slowly bowed to his prince. 

“You have been a person of great interest to the Blade of Marmora, your highness,” he began. “You have also been a top priority since you were young, and even more so after we learned of your wife. Our agents have been unsuccessful in extracting you from the Empire in the past, but we never gave up, and waited patiently for our opportunity. Your fight is over, Prince Lotor,” Thace told him as he lifted his wrist unit and activated the ship’s controls around them, preparing it for takeoff. “You can start anew. Away from here.” 

The Blade of Marmora. Lotor had had suspicions of a rebel Galra faction within the Empire, but he’d never been able to successfully locate any of them. He had no allies, no one he could trust with such information. Apparently they were already working for him behind closed doors. 

True orders, Thace mused again. He would carry them out now, and a check would go on their list next to the name of the Emperor’s son. 

“Why did you never try to recruit me?” Lotor asked. There was so little time now for questions. 

“We thought about it. You would be our ace, our secret weapon. But you were also too obvious, and far too important to put into such danger. We failed you when you were a boy. We decided to give you freedom instead of duty. And we were finally able to rest well with our decision when we learned of her.” 

Lotor held Ven’tar’s hand a little tighter. Freedom for him and his wife after a lifetime of neglect and abuse. If he didn’t have her, perhaps things would be different. 

But Ven would always come first. 

“I apologize for her condition. It was difficult to locate her as the planet burned, but the mission was successful, and she is now stable. We were unable to rescue any others. Any more saved would have incited suspicion. I trust you’re able to care for her on your own?” 

Just the two of them, Lotor thought. Alone in the universe with his wife. It was all almost too much to handle. “Yes.” 

“Good. I must go and you must leave. Never return. You’ve done enough, your highness. You’ve endured enough. We will handle things here with your father.”

“Thank you,” Lotor called out before the soldier could exit the ship that was ready to fly. Ready to escape. 

The Blade would always regret not saving the Prince when they should have. His leader Kolivan had once had to watch the Emperor’s young son suffer under the heel of his father, unloved and uncared for. But they could do this for him, and hoped he could finally be happy. 

“You’re welcome, Prince Lotor,” Thace said, and left. 

[dhbelzinone]

𝓟𝓻𝓸𝓯𝓲𝓵𝓮𝓼 (ᴬⁿᵈ ᴬˡˡ ᵀʰᵃᵗ ᴶᵃᶻᶻ)

𝓞𝓞𝓒 𝓘𝓷𝓽𝓻𝓸 𝓟𝓸𝓼𝓽

Hi hello I’ve never done anything like this before but it looks like there’s a blog specifically for ooc intros so here’s my best. ♡

Hi my name is Sal, I go by they/them/theirs, and I’m a med school reject turned gender studies honors student. I’m currently working on a thesis about sex worker rights so I’m balls deep I can be in the industry without the good money and devoting the rest of my undergrad career to fighting for their right to make theirs. I’m also an artist and run an indie if y'all wanna see more of my muse’s roots. Bel’s been my emotional support muse for a good while and has gone through more character development than I have my entire lifetime, so although she may seem like a big softie compared to the rest of the muse crowd here, here’s hoping she can hold her own!

Bel Zinone Abridged: Devil’s Highway Vers.

Her mama is an undocumented immigrant who fought tooth and nail for her piece of the American dream. Much of this was due to the help of a vigilante organization that helped her flee from Europe, but her reputation was volatile enough to charm them into seeking out her membership.

Thanks to their international influence, she was able to keep running with the Wallflowers across the continental U. S. She soon settled down with her husband, a high profile (albeit black market) doctor, and raised her two children beneath the protection of the empire they built all the way from the city underbelly up to the high class elite.

Bel and her older brother Beau were relatively spoiled children until he left for the army and the family secrets started to leak. Adolescence was already hard on her, with her elusive sexuality and growing dysphoria yanking her identity chains, but as soon as she discovered her parents’ reign over the criminal underground, Bel doubted the authenticity of her upbringing and fled to the southern inlands with the resolve to make it on her own.

Little did she know that she’d find herself right smack in the middle of a gang war of the very nature she tried to escape. However, this time was going to be different. She wasn’t going to be at their mercy.

They were going to be at hers, for she offered one of the few medical resources in the entire desert that didn’t come with the liability of a paper trail.

In the meantime, she floats between bunny ranches, strip clubs, and the odd burlesque show. When she’s not working, she can be found frequenting bars, on Instagram, streaming her cam, tinkering with her Widowmaker, or looking for a good meatball sub.

Whereas she would’ve used her earnings to run as far away as possible from her past, Bel ironically finds solace in the lucrative lifestyle, calling a cozy studio apartment home and splurging on the occasional odds and ends that make the closeted queer life she embodies just a bit more bearable.

Relationships for her? I’m not gonna lie: despite the past rancor she’s had for her parent’s occupations, she genuinely wants to help and support people, patching them up so they’re good to go back to whatever they were doing without judgement. Her view of the life’s changed and she’s come to understand the institutions (as well as will) that brings people to commit and run with crime. She’s yet to make peace with her family, but she’s come to terms with the blood she’s from and wants to make a difference in peoples’ lives. That being said: 

Give her your tired, your poor, your horny

A job @ Paradise, maybe? Maybe she could learn about the surrounding gang activity from other dancers / affiliates or Kimi when she applies?

Maybe she could’ve known Esmeray from medical school?

Seeing other muses in the medical field are inspiring some joint black market clinic potential~

Maybe she could’ve known Rodrigo from when he was doing his work, possibly from Backpage before it got shut down?

On this note, maybe Nikki too? (Hello~)

If there are any other queer muses around, maybe they can shine a community light on her? Potentially while she’s yanking a shank out of their shoulder?

If there are any single muses too, I’d love to develop a ride-or-die boo or friend for her.

Last but not least, if we still need prospects and other make characters I’d be game af to have Beau go AWOL and trade his fatigues for a potential patch (maybe through the Mexican border with Nikki, if she’s gonna hate Bel asdkjfnaks). ♡

𝓐𝓹𝓹𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION: Sal (24) they/them/theirs ; PST ACTIVITY: I'm in my last year of undergraduate study and will have class three days a week on average. I'll be online at least once a day and will be able to devote most of my week to nitty-gritty writing as well as plotting. PASSCODE: angel wings and/or crown MISCELLANEOUS: I've been running an indie oc rp blog for almost five years (same character @belzinone) and this will be my first group/skeleton/rl fc rp. I'm worried about being ignored/left behind/largely uninvolved in threads and plotting because that has largely been my experience in discord server rp groups, but y'all seem to have good administration going on so I'm not feeling so worried anymore. I look forward to the experience if you'll have me. :)

IN CHARACTER

NAME: Bel Zinone DATE OF BIRTH: (March/08/1991) (28) PLACE OF BIRTH: San Francisco, California GENDER/PRONOUNS: demifemme｜she/her/hers AFFILIATION: N/A RANKING: N/A OCCUPATION: freelance sex worker, hitwoman, & black market physician FACE CLAIM: Antonia Thomas

BIOGRAPHY

triggers: domestic violence, murder, abuse, misandry, severe burns, sex work Her mother was an undocumented immigrant, fleeing from her orphaned past and domestic abuse in the Italian slums. A headstrong, promiscuous, and violent woman, it wasn't long until she found sisterhood amongst a like-minded gang of vigilante women with international influence called the Wallflowers, well-versed in her infamy and coming to her aid while she was pregnant with her son and escaping prosecution for murdering her husband. Risa Zinone, codenamed La Eglantina, docked in New York city, giving birth to her son Beau Zinone and raising him with the rest of her sorella while continuing her bloodthirsty occupation of murdering abusive men and liberating survivors from their regimes of terror. However, one could only run with the Wallflowers for so long before beginning to challenge their belief system, however righteous it claimed to be. The murderer mother fell in love with the black market doctor who saved her life and once again fled across the country and retired so she could live a peaceful life with him, safe from the constraints and watchful eyes of the sisterhood, but not without heavy cost. She suffered major burns to her entire body by a fire and had to undergo near total facial reconstruction, a miracle performed by the love of her life. In exchange for her life, she'd no longer bear resemblance to her children. Thus Bel Zinone was born on the opposite side of the country as her brother, hilly San Franscisco. She was a wildly rambunctious child, calmed only by the sounds of her brother's guitar strings and a profound interest in her father's work. Little did she know, her living was earned via the illicit means of her parents and their continued association with the country's underbelly. Shambled by the loss of one of their most valuable members, the Wallflowers had undergone a civil war. A near complete overhaul of organizational structure and creed had taken place, leading to an abysmal divide between the matriarchal supremacy of days past and the new order. Enemies of the new regime all around the world were sought out, assassinated, and replaced with a stronger, more diverse membership. During that witch hunt, Risa was reinstated into the Wallflowers with her husband Dmitri and the power couple ruled the pacific branch. The Zinone's hid their criminal affiliations well. Dmitri, a renowned surgeon specializing in the central nervous system, Risa, an uptown socialite who moonlighted cabaret clubs as a jazz singer. Their children had a generous, almost spotless adolescence until Beau graduated high school and joined the military. He was an upstanding, self-righteous man, yet his fatigues all but killed the respect his little sister had for him. As the Zinone siblings grew up, their parents had to try all that much harder to hide their criminal affiliations, often leaving the two with ample bonding time and hiding various criminal survival skills (like how to fight and use firearms among other things) under the guise of "street smarts". Combined with her surfacing struggles with her sexuality and gender identity, Beau's abandonment was very hard on Bel. Her high school antics began to resemble those of her mother during her youth, starting fights, finishing others' fights, and getting dress coded nearly every day. If not for physical altercations, the young lady spent most of her time in the principal's office for getting into arguments with teachers and staff over technicalities in her STEM courses and exposing discrimination in curriculums and attitudes throughout. If not for her parents' powerful influence, she never would've dodged juvie, let alone made it to college. Fortunately, she found her calling and started settling down as soon as her father invited her to his workplace in the hospital. College was a breeze for her, even as a fierce insistence to be independent led to her paying her own tuition. She was no party animal or sorority sister, but the continuing troubles she had with her sexuality and gender identity pushed her towards casual sex work and the porn industry when work-study wasn't enough. Bel was steadily making her way through adult life, planning to devote the rest of it to medicine like her father. However, as she started having to use her special "survival skills" more and more, she slowly began to realize there was more to her parents than she thought. The Wallflowers were growing in influence, and La Eglantina's daughter was growing a bounty on her head as well. By the time she cornered her parents with the truth, she was already well into medical school and bore nods of her mother's pseudonym and her father's occupation on her back. The betrayal she felt when her brother left her resurfaced as she uncovered her parents lies, spurring her to cut her familial ties and live her own life exclusively by her own means. Bel rejected her father's footsteps in favor of sex work, something she pursued entirely of her own volition, and eventually found herself amongst the "bunny ranches" in Las Vegas, where her life in the crossfire between the Sinners and Jokers would begin. CHARACTER QUOTE: "Do no harm but take no shit." CHARACTER ANTHEM: Half God Half Devil｜In This Moment

EDIT: Risa Zinone fled from Europe as a result of Romani persecution.

P.S.: I reiterate that this is my first group/skeleton/rl fc rp. This is all pretty overwhelming so please have patience with me and for those of y’all who have a lot of experience with these things, please help me out <3

[acioo]

MASTERLIST OF 1000 VERSE IDEAS ! ( 2 / 2 )

                  under the cut are exactly 1000 verse tag ideas under the following categories:                   brotp, enemies, exes, fwb, otp, parents, siblings, toxic relationship,                   unrequited, & wanted connection with exactly 100 tag phrases per each one.                   please like or reblog this if you found it helpful !

BROTP :

you ask if i think it’ll hurt like this forever

we’re not those kind of kids

one can’t function without the other

people are good at heart

the kids with no religion

nobody hates the truth like we do

endless dumb fun

they turned her into a nightmare so i’m going to be theirs

for her i can try to be human

we are syrup in coffee and hands that bite

more than friendship but less than dating

we make the king scream for mercy

extensions of each other

all the gods, heavens, and hells are within you

this time we are not afraid

we win because we do not know how to lose

we will be monsters alone in this world with only each other

you look at me with this heady mixture of awe and love and bottomless trust

a sweaty summertime tangle of lips

our nights are perfumed in obsession

he’s lighting a cigarette even though he would never let you touch one

i took care of that thing for you

let them remember me

the only one who really knows anymore

all you have to do is ask

the best at making me feel better

piggeypack rides & inside jokes

living in each other’s back pocket

the impractically rebellious & the impractically kind

the best thing that’s ever happened to me

all you need is love

i will remember. will you?

i like you more than i planned

but we hold on

i love you inside & out

best friends with an idiot

not used to people sticking around when things get bad

here comes trouble

sitting on the library floor

sending out emails for the cult meeting

strange women society

making forests quiver

my one kin

where i go you go

our meeting was bad for society

a true friend & hot piece of ass

to a fading friend

a dynamic duo

then we fight together

don’t tell anyone the big bad wolf is a puppy in disguise

ideas that seemed good at three am

i know i’m a shit friend but oh god i’m trying

the gang screws the government

dead boys club

friends can break your heart too

can’t stop us

there is thunder in our hearts

bro homie man calm down

bored & covered in paint with an idea

i could be your family

we can be heroes

teenage feelings

i can’t live without you

i want to be loved but don’t feel like i deserve it

don’t give up! you’ll be great someday

i tolerate you

who made you think you weren’t worth it

if we fall we fall together

we are the kids you can never kill

we hurt & burn & bloom

friends that became family

alive by spite alone

as long as we don’t die this is going to be one hell of a story

local dumbasses knew what they were getting into but did anyway

just children thrust into war

it’s like being friends with a five year old child who’s also an alcoholic

double trouble

i’m pretty cool but also i cry a lot

unity ; standing together as one

you’re pretty neato

in the end you’re my very best friend

just get in the fucking blanket fort

oh for fuck’s sake here we go again

please don’t leave me like the rest

something about you made me feel alive

sitting on a rooftop at two am & talking about life

whatever you do you’re still my best friend

i’d do anything to keep you safe

so what are you doing this weekend?

let’s be miserable together

trouble usually finds us

my annoying best friend

i’d do anything to make it up to you

all we have is now

down for whatever

we’re good at surviving

death doesn’t discriminate

you suck less than most people

platonically calls you babe

so i did a stupid thing again

ENEMIES : 

better him than me

always ready to argue with you

the only thing that comes easily is the anger

laughing at your worthless jokes

awe-inspiring & ferocious & terrible

hell is other people

the game was getting a little old

plenty of monsters know how to play at being human

dream on fucker

you and me now! for worse or for better

she tears at my lungs

still working on going to hell

tangle them in bedsheets & take their heart

stop brewing up wicked things

fucking unbelievable

are you done yet?

you should be scared of me

the problem is you

monsters aren’t meant to live happily ever after

testing my patience

leave or die

this a warzone

give me a break

can you take a punch?

let my thorns prick your fingers

made of threats

you were an iceberg & i had no lifeboat

fighting & fucking

see you in hell

sinking my talons into your neck

bang bang you’re dead

keeping you at a distance

a fire blazing between us

i will taste the copper tang of your dying breaths

don’t growl at the wolf

the only thing she makes me feel anymore is rage

try to scare me, i dare you

what does it take to make you angry?

you are dumb and an ass: dumbass

sorry you evil prick

you look like shit

a lifelong rivalry

please stop talking

seeing them brings only pain

i’ll swallow my blood before i swallow my pride

i choose violence over peace

stupidity isn’t cute

i’m not cutting myself up for you again

sometimes hearts are vacant

i can’t stand a mess of a person

no enemy is safe

using poetry in a street fight

i don’t care if you burn

i tried to be kind

rot in hell

you want battle? i’ll give you war

hate spitting out of each other’s laugh

choose your last words this last time

not to sound bitter

true evil is above all things seductive

basically i’m a badass / basically he’s a moron

i hope the halo burns when i shove it down your throat

we should really have angry sex sometime

i liked your nose before

allergic to you

he’s not a monster, just a villain

stop making others suffer for your personal hatred

aren’t we all sinners

am i an asshole?

i’m going t hell anyways

do not tell me what i can and can’t do

you don’t know shit about me

they paid the price

you underestimate my power

an eye for an eye

people are poison

wanted: dead or alive

as mad as a dad in traffic

to make out with you or kill you

martyr me i dare you

i hate you more than you hate yourself

please stop framing me for murder i didn’t do that one

do not touch me

sorry you’re an asshole

throwing rocks evolving to throwing insults

asshole of the year & competition

you tried to cross the wrong person

if i’m cute when i’m angry you must find my phenomenal

done being a brat yet?

you are the villain of this story

bringing a murderous rage

an abomination among us

everything about you is wrong

i’ll be nicer if you’ll be smarter

gay judgement

some people should get punched in the face

better than you

a strange game of chess with only two royals

what doesn’t kill me might make me kill you

pain is but fuel to my rage

EXES :

suddenly we are strangers again

we deserve a soft epilogue

you changed everything

she didn’t realize she was saying goodbye

we are good people and we have suffered enough

it’s never been rustier

the people you love don’t stay dead

healing takes time

maybe it was the timing or the toxicity or the lifetime

you haunt me

your relationship will one day dazzle a psychologist

suddenly, everything is okay again

you say you hate him (but it’s so clear on your face)

i know i’ll see your face again

still overthinking why he stopped caring about you

when i think of january i think of you

everything is just so wrong!

part of why you can’t trust men

sorry to my unknown lover

i forgot just why i left you

he doesn’t believe in anyone but himself

he never saw himself the way i saw him

they haunt her dreams

she now knows the trouble of underestimating troublemakers

i’d hold her like she was china instead of plastic and she’d get oh so bored

somebody always has to love more

being apart from your soulmate hurts

i hope you’re thinking of me

you will always fall in love

our love did not know how to die quietly

if memories could bleed, if dreams could scream

taste of broken trust

we have fallen a long way

your love should be unconditional for one person or nothing at all

the devil’s love song is for the rest of her kind, not for you

all the signs screamed stop, but we could not see them

i see you holding hands and i feel angry

i’d give anything for you to hold me one last time

now i’m alone in the dust

if you ever fall in love again please fall in love with me

i don’t want us to be strangers again

still looking as good as i left you

i can’t find you in the body sleeping next to me

losing her was different from the usual pain

you couldn’t patch up the holes in his heart

i’m sorry for coming in and fucking up your life

you wonder if you knew him once ; you cannot remember

the world doesn’t stop for any of us

love is but a neurological con job

not heartbroken

no more love notes

love will tear us apart

you made me think i was good

girlfriend from hell

i don’t know if you noticed but i’m long gone

left in the dust with the taste of broken trust

the people i’ve left & the ones that i kept

send my love to your new lover

you know you should have stayed

we really cared for each other

do you still think of us

your name is synonymous with hurt

it still hurts

she didn’t learn how to love early enough

i hope hurting me haunts you for years

i feel sick when i remember how i opened up for you

loving you has fucked me up

you don’t fall until it’s over

i miss you so much it hurts me every day

you both think the other is staring at the ground

it always gets worse before it gets better

he isn’t coming back you thought

all the sparks were gone

i should hate you

you chose to burn me

sometimes endings are made of teary eyes & the saddest of smiles

i never really got to say goodbye

you used to call me baby

maybe one day i’ll feel nothing

me so sorry

you broke my fucking heart

who said i stopped loving you?

picking up the mess you left behind

the boy who broke her heart is the only one who can make it feel whole again

you tried to love me & i tried to let you

what i do isn’t up to you anymore

what’s a soulmate to a rebel?

it was never like that

what if your heart’s a liar?

what was i supposed to do?

accepting the love we think we deserve

maybe i’ll meet you in another life

she could’ve been your moon but you were focused on dimly lit stars

stay i whispered as you shut the door behind you

i don’t want anyone else to ever touch you

we outgrew each other in angry uncoordinated ways

you left & the world kept going

a letter to the boy who stole me

this thing was a masterpiece before you tore it all up

she’s no longer your girl

FWB :

him and his pale long fingers tangled in your hair

same kiss & lips ; never the same touch

his cold lips against your neck

slender fingers on your upper thigh

nothing sets you off like how you want him

free sex training lessons

can’t differentiate between lips & hearts anymore

his mouth is your confessional

he’d never let anything real happen

what we do is secret

this is no longer safe ground

“ my parents aren’t home ”

the only legacy we’ll leave is the graffiti beneath the high school bleachers

we are the avoiders

just us ; you find out

desired but never loved

you lost track of the rules

you taste like sunshine

it’s so different when we wake up

thrill chill fulfill me

with both of his hands, his eyes, his mouth

star-crossed knuckles at breakfast time

marking you the darkest shade of red

she’s the breathe on the back of your neck

i draped her thighs over my shoulders and drank

the kiss was a one time thing

the possibility is electric

the lie: it doesn’t mean anything

chapstick that started on someone else’s lips

and i keep waking up in your bed

it was supposed to be just once

is it the alcohol or the taste of him

she tastes like every dark thought i’ve ever had

she touches you like you're fragile

he tastes how he sounds: honeyed and warm

countless one-night stands

we say that it is just sex but it’s getting blurry

my heart is too big just for one of you

i’ll seduce you with interesting scientific facts

shining every night

our chaos is what sets us apart

no feelings he said

passionate as a sin

we keep telling ourselves that nothing is happening

just friends don’t kiss like that

i’m in like, she’s in love

me you and the moon

two girls one bed

this sort of lust isn’t allowed

the signs scream do not touch

her gaze is too gentle for your hard fingers

we didn’t get the chance to get past that bed

you’re in my veins, you fuck

it hurts ; lusting after the lion boy

vulnerable and yet still strong

touching everything but her heart

we don’t speak besides assurances

i taste good & bad in you

we call this bravery

this started as friends

drinking her in

lost in translation

maybe i asked for too much

what’s love to a fuckboy

i’ve never even kissed you

yes but only because you asked

they were a poem in four parts

go somewhere with me

you are my two am thoughts

please don’t use me i am broken

eat me! love me! consume me! devour me!

be a slut do whatever you want

feelings of detachment

there’s more where that came from

you are what i desire

you already know how this is going to end

sexual history: often

catching feelings like a disease

don’t get attached

send nudes

everyone winds up kissing the wrong person

gets turned on by danger

i bruise like a peach & i’m twice as sweet

the warmest light is your body

that's fucked up but i like it

that’s gross! (unless you’re up for it?)

gay hooligans

i will gladly slam you against a wall and make out with you

suck my dick written in pretty calligraphy

a best friend who occasionally gives you orgasms

you look cute when i’m doing you

in the gay way

come over and eat what my mom made

i want to respectfully have sex with you

seducing you with interesting science facts

teasing you is what i’m best at

i know what i want & i’m gonna get it

desired but never loved

can we just be strangers again

do you feel like a young god

OTP :

love her, but leave her wild

i lived to love, my darlings

you are my sunshine

tell me i’m good for you

you’re my mess

of all the things my hands have held you are the best

it was like loving the sun

how sweet it is to be loved by you

he makes you feel like when you were at the top of a hill and your bike’s brakes stopped working

the overwhelming desire to kiss

i want to hold hands & waste time with you

i wanna spend the rest of my sunsets with you

we loved with a love that was more than love

i want to be in your arms

your heart could fill an ocean

a love that is not easily buried

you love like the world ending

i find your laughter in the softness of humanity’s neck

i want to explore haunted houses with you

no one’s made my heart beat this fast before

i’ll steal you the moon

sometimes i feel like i’m going to collapse under the weight of your eyes

you understand now why they lost their minds

heaven’s a place on earth with you

he loved you like he discovered fire

did my heart love till now?

your smile lifted the world off of me

i care what you think

a love that makes the god’s jealous

you can only think of his name

no butterflies in my stomach: just shooting stars & supernovas

please i beg quietly don’t give up on me yet

known as something the star’s made

a roaring war when you touch

in her kiss i taste the revolution

the thoughts of him kick drum your veins

touching him feels like a leap of faith you didn’t know you had

tangled in each other

the lies & truth of love

people can read it in your eyes & how you hold each other

he makes you immediately sober up

making your blood tremble with something you don’t understand

he loves you so much more than you do

just kiss me again

one love two mouths

i fell in love with a heart that beats so slow

holding moonlight in your hands

i wanna come home to you

you don’t ever have to go

kiss me like you miss me

fuck you’re beautiful

that star reminds me of you

acknowledging the bad, embracing the good, & growing

my whole sky craves an island of tenderness

she was the moon & i was the stars ; our sky was glorious

he’s not just a boy and that scares me to death

sunlit lovers

spilling like honey from our lips

way too in love

my first & last love

she is what keeps me going

only a fool for you

you’re my future

love comes slyly like a thief

3rd base is when they see you having an anxiety attack

wrapped in your arms i felt like everything could be okay

you have the sweetest soul i have ever seen

i’ll suck your dick if you take your meds

grab the monet & let’s gogh

and i’d choose you ; in a hundred lifetimes, worlds, any version of reality

in the end they died

tragic backstories & height difference

may we meet again

in love with an idiot

you’re so weird (don’t change)

i love you fucker

wanna go to hell together

finger guns but like with emotional attachment and a lot of love

you’re a disaster wanna date

lonely for only you

i can’t believe you’re real

you’ve shown me the light

i wasn’t even looking when i found you

i always think about you

my partner my soldier my fault

worth your weight in gold

my favorite piece of art

we deserve happy

i’ve always belonged to you

great things take time

baby be my lollipop

he was pretty cute for a monster

stopping time one kiss at a time

can’t meet your soulmate if you don’t makeout with strangers

take me back to the night we met

you complete me

soulmates aren’t just lovers

a montage of love

when is a monster not a monster? when you love it

loving you because of & despite the bad

PARENT :

please stop destroying what is left of your heart

laying on the roof of your ‘97 pontiac

he inherited his mother’s charm

knowing how it feels to be cast away

they say: you’re a little too much for me

daddy issues written on your forehead

cosmically impossible

who would want a kid like me?

a letter to my daughter

please don’t give up on me

repeat after me: everything will be okay

her father’s daughter

blood of warriors

anxiously waiting to call that line

a bad childhood doesn’t equal a bad life

we’ve made it this far

her mother cried the day she was born

we didn’t think the monsters could ever be like us

even though there were tears there were tissues too

fearless children who love the light

they forced her into greatness

she calls her parents by their names

i will love you & love you & love you

wasn’t working well from the starter

so afraid of an empty nest

are you proud of me, mama? papa?

inherited her mother’s black anger

a figure in the distance, a movie reel of old pictures

everything my mother prayed i wouldn’t be, i became

you taught me so many things about myself didn’t know

i never did learn much of anything from my mother

the wolf in this fairy tale

loved the point of madness

master of fate

raise hell, kid

he came out of the womb like hannibal sacking rome

didn’t your mother ever tell you not to leave a good thing waiting

to love to the point of madness

when i was just a little girl, i asked my mother, “what will i be?”

he loved her more than his whole life

when will i be good enough for you?

it’s all good when i have you by my side

maxing out daddy’s credit cards

i took nine months to form your heart, do not let anyone break it in seconds

mother says there are locked rooms inside all women

my poor mother begged for a sheep but raised a wolf

every place my mother prayed i wouldn’t go, i went

mother, know, i have pasts inside me i did not bury properly

mother never taught me that just because someone desires you doesn’t mean they value you

born with a thick skull

the people who were supposed to love you more than anyone in this world

spoken to with corporate coldness or demonic tongues

parents who loved them the way we once loved angry gods, leaving offerings and praying for gentle winters

birthed in the form of cherry blossoms

hiding from their dark clouds, boarding up the shutters

kid, you’ve got to love yourself

what came first: humans or despair?

legacy was more important than anything

a lonely child born to lonely parents

it feels so scary getting old

i’m but my mother’s daughter & because of this i can do anything

my parents strength & anger lives in me

original family disappointment

sorry i’m a shit daughter

i love you baby

please come home (i hope you’re okay)

demonic possession & daddy issues

fight for her

just like her father

until every last galaxy dies you have me

which to ask forgiveness for: what am i or what i’m not

i will always stay with you

family first

fairytale childhood

those raised in glass houses

daughter of smoke & bone

one love one house

to die knowing your life was my life’s best part

gay on my mother’s side

nobody’s ever going to love me this much

a collection of horrible people

using “heir” like we are in a shakespearean play

cursing me with happiness

following a set of unwritten rules

this was not the boy they used to know

it just made him kind

to have a precious few people back

you hurt. it’s okay, i hurt too

thank you for always being there for me

was that a compliment?

she was overpraised as a child

better / not bitter

somebody somewhere cares

the oldest or coolest person on earth

fuck you dad

i’m so very proud of you & how hard you’re trying

thank you to someone who always saw the best in me

it ends or it doesn’t

i swear i’m trying my best

they could never see eye to eye

SIBLING :

comparing the twin scars on our forearms

let’s run away together

i love you even though i shouldn’t

two types of the same fool

well used to tragedy

merry band of weirdos

to my siblings: please stop

hurt my sibling & i will kill you

broken dreams club

world’s okayest sister

future cellmate

a force to be reckoned with

your smile lifted the world off me

don’t even think of touching her

a good bro

we may not have had a lot but we had each other

the scorned brother & the only one to make it still

the one with it all

you think you deserved the pain but you didn’t

i can’t remember who the dead one is anymore

i love you / you are not alone / you are daylight

it makes me so mad that they did that to you (and me)

she holds up my sky

always together

i am aware of who you are and what you do

i’m coming for all the monsters that ever touched him

we have blood made of gods and heroes

take back our skin

six am sunrise shining down on us

take back our streets

it’s time to tear their castle down

you don’t know what it’s like to not be wanted

built on the same pretty lie

we learned the truth too late

as golden as they come

no matter what i have you

a drop dead moron

together they’re a fucking hurricane

sour milk children who hiss and spit in father’s eyes

burning down the streets we used to roam

entitled to financial compensation for all this drama

neverending bickering

you used to be so kind

“ even her mugshots were cute “

we have claws for a reason

not mature enough for this

he tried to make everything okay (but he failed)

raised to give themselves a reason to be prideful

they only inherited the same sad eyes

born into needless wealth

carbon copies of one another

sometimes… i can’t even recognize you

the only person that appreciates the irony of legacies like her

the looks she gives him when she sees how he’s tearing himself apart is too much

together they paint an imagined picture of their long gone parents

we were only ever told how to tumble not how to fly

we trust the siren song to call us home

born into the silver of the moon

we are not like the others

i like being alive at the same time as you

your voice is the only answer to my problems

thank you for loving me through it all

if your life must be a battle, don’t fight it alone

promise you’ll come back for me?

never fall for one of them

our old man is a bad man

we’ve all got our secrets

billionaire boys club

sorry i’ve been mean

afraid together

rich girls don’t have hearts

everything is changing

don’t tell them i killed my old self

watch your fucking language little one

why are you always so mean to me

mayhem caused

born to think like martyrs

i’ll find the bad dreams off if they come to get you

something that happened a long time ago and continues to affect us today

there’s nothing wrong with being different

an unremembered bond

don’t touch him

remember you can’t save everyone ; but have to try

no longer making our parents proud together

a golden cage is still a cage

surrounded by idiots

where’s all the time that heals

the hippies

like realizing stuff

you were alone before they left you

please don’t leave me

we met evil when we were only children

the kids with the big big plans

why the fuck do you put up with me?

i feel at home with you

have you seen her?

fighters but not by choice ; by heart

not totally useless, possibly a bad example

star child are you listening? i died that day

i might be an asshole but i’m your favorite asshole

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP :

every time she knocks i can’t help but let her in

in these empty church halls religion shifts and turns and blurs

you feed me small bits of your petrified heart

our love is a monster

lulling me to a hundred year slumber with your kiss

love from the lips of people who don’t understand such a thing

just pretending you don’t know he’s going dark again

a love that’s not easily buried

you were never a saint: i loved in shades of wrong

dipped my hands in holy water just to touch her

they wanted you to save them first

i don’t have any more control

how do you still love me after i’ve broken you

he doesn’t feel anything much less love

you have to let me go

make an altar of this stolen flesh

i love you even with your hands around my throat

i call her the devil cos she makes me want to sin

at least it’s something

these violent delights have violent ends

you were crying, but it was beautiful

i will never know who you were supposed to be

the crazy kind of love

pretending to forget how our scars got there

when love kills

he’s suffocating you but you don’t want to breathe

i will make you crumble to the ground

my heart beats in starts until the spell is broken

there’s a body lying next to him

just let me cry a little longer

i did not know desire does not mean value

killing each other with toy guns

it was a lesson in listening to your head over your heart

i wanted too much and you wanted too little

we weren’t meant for each other

he’s bleeding out

you filled up where used to be empty but only with black

you made me lose my softness

the ones who like me the most are always bad

they threw each other to the wolves

we pretend this works

you say my eyes are getting too dark now (boy, look at my mind)

someone could love you more

you’re my today & tomorrow & i am your yesterday

something about you makes me want to do things i shouldn’t

you taught me how to love wrong

you watch her crumble under the weight of your sins

maybe you were the poison and not the cure

loving him was your destruction

you don’t know why you jumped after her

you always tasted like blood a little too damn much

cities fell when you left me

you make my heart shake bend & break but i can’t turn away

i may not know what love is but i know this isn’t it

it’s easier to destroy something you love than let it leave

did you ever really love me at all?

oh god i am bleeding oh god i am bleeding oh go

 i don’t want to be alone

why did you clip my wings

this is breaking my heart

you made me cry you fuck

self destructive tendencies aren’t a relationship quality

i’m a bad influence but damn i’m fun

fear makes the wolf look bigger

don’t believe his lies

not everyone you lose is a loss

i’m so scared loving you was the only good thing i ever did

you still feel like home

i love you (not delivered)

set a fire down in my soul

heartbreak is not beautiful

i should have trusted my trust issues

kiss the boys and make them die

i think i need you because you don’t need me

they broke the wrong parts of me

i could tear you apart if i wanted

we both wish this was better

and in the end all i learned was how to be strong alone

this destruction will be your rebirth

so the poem hurt you (it was supposed to)

he looks at you like your his entire world

i’m an entire person not a vague concept you dreamt

a perfect match but sadly matches burn

never fucking good enough

loving you could be so fun if i wasn’t so blue and you weren’t so numb

i call your name but it’s fading

you were nothing before you met me

everything i didn’t say

this girl wasn’t like wildfire — she was wildfire

it hurts

teenage tragedy

please could you be tender

a wolf will never be a pet

always disappearing on me

nothing ever ends poetically

why do i still love you?

we are the monsters

am i the villain in your story?

i’m sorry i stabbed you. i love you.

i can’t do this anymore

UNREQUITED :

i’ve fallen in love with someone who can’t be reached

cosmically impossible

just one kiss would solve it all

you’re looking at me how you used to before i broke your heart

what do you know of loneliness? of heartbreak? of biting your tongue to draw blood?

i could never regret meeting you

you don’t even realize how amazing you are

the story still ends

you’re all that’s left for me

i’m so glad someone so beautiful exists at all

i can’t ever believe that anyone ever really starts to fall in love with me

even though you want to speak you say nothing

you want to ask if he meant it when he kissed you

something hurt in you the same way rainclouds hurt before they break open

i’ve been in love with you for so long

unable to stop worrying what she’ll say when she finds out

no proof & one touch

killing me silently

god you hated me or hated that you loved me at least

an insatiable desire

i don’t want to be your friend i want to kiss your neck

the ones you love become ghosts inside you

can’t shake the memory of the summer you stomped my heart out

time doesn’t fucking heal anything

i just needed you to know once

never enough

you sit there & your tongue is tied

the best i can do is a fake smile & dead eyes

maybe one day i’ll stop thinking about you

give me a try

god grant me serenity to not destroy myself with want for this boy

i yearn for her to see past the veil

your glance lingers too long

please look away ; you are too much

a warmth i am too numb to feel

i just don’t want to get hurt

like pandora’s box

a love that makes the moon blush

you don’t have to say anything

our lips do not cannot never will touch

if they don’t come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed, make enough coffee for yourself alone

is it just that you’re not good enough

when he leaves you stay behind like always

she said i love you so damned much, just not like that

the world around you is all knives and chipped teeth and she is too soft to not save

you could never hold her like she deserved

i never needed anyone (until you)

in dreams i meet you in warm conversation

to bathe in one’s own blood

i’ve never felt more alone

we wake in lonely beds in different cities

i probably couldn’t live with or without her now

like a sun is trying to escape me

you consume me

if i told you i loved you what would you say

eventually but not today i think it will stop hurting

i’m drowning myself in alcohol when i really want to drown myself in you

i always think about you

i can’t imagine not loving you anymore

i’ll be your slaughterhouse

i don’t want realism, i want magic

i loved the idea of you more

how to unlove someone

i love everything you hate about yourself

the truth is i’m in love with you

i woke up wanting to kiss you

in a room full of art i’d still stare at you

you made me forget myself

there was just something about you that made me feel special

warning: you must fall in love with me

platonically hurting hands / burning

this bed was fit for two

treat her better

does she hold on to you the way i used to?

i just want to pretend

you make me feel lonely & loved at the same time

holding onto your call

i’m sorry that i fell in love tonight

i can barely breathe

maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldn’t hurt so much

still sleeping like we’re lovers

maybe it wasn’t you but the idea of you

there’s nothing i can do except bury my love for you

it was all fun and games until i fell in love

you’re looking through me & i can’t see past you

you’re never gonna love me so what’s the use

you hurt me so why the fuck am i apologizing

somebody catch my breath

learning to live without you

please don’t say you love me

my love for you was never much of a choice at all

meeting you felt like wandering into a dream

i’m sorry i couldn’t hold myself back anymore

this is me letting you go

just waiting to feel your touch

living with a shattered heart is hard

you can’t love a legend

i know what we are & what we are not

all that’s left are echoes

my memories were loud enough to drown the silence

WANTED CONNECTION :

you want them to fill the void in your heart

you want them to take away the emptiness

you want them to make you feel complete

i can feel it under my skin

i might really become somebody someday

we are in daylight now

too rich & divine

a whole universe in my mind

a wildness in you

desire is the kind of thing that eats you and leaves you starving

full of heartache and poetry

i am worthy and powerful

we do not perish

let us be reborn in the morning light

her eyes are closed

someone will strike a match on it and they’ll explode

they have something bad inside of them

hurricanes of thoughts

some quality content

desire washes over in waves

the beauty that is yet to come

six feet deep

i cannot afford luxuries like rest anymore

this body's a curse

it’s a great day for being sad

love is love is love

partners in crime

a short story on indiscretion

even a curse sounds holy

biting down upon my lips

a queen’s rise

the words that burn my life

an amorphous kind of reality

your life was a long line of fine

like hell you’re doing that

not violent or malicious: a result

softness as a shield

he can’t fake that

begging for a second of time

thank you for your interest in a life full of pain

please try again & again & again

the person you were & the person you became

no maps of the change

the right way to fall in love

can we just live in the moment?

living life on a line

an ex-almost

my braveheart

it’s always more with you

stay alert & stay alive

come on baby light my fire

ballpark music

am i making sense?

coming out of my cage and i’ve been doing just fuck

everybody knows i’m a mess

murder! intrigue! sex! drugs! classics!

forget about it

you still hurt

do not go gentle into the good light ; rage rage against the dying light

i don’t want to relate to anyone

we should talk

we will be gods

don’t forget me

water in vodka bottles

taking trains to nowhere in particular

say you love satan

just trying to not get arrested again

in the sewers again

the devil’s music

who’s going to stop me?

a date in hell

only the good die young

survivor riddled with arrows

i have seen the future

talk to me (i’m scared to speak)

drive him wild with hints that you know when he will die

are you afraid of yourself?

you are necessary i need you

i like you more than i planned

the sun will come up

i got by own back

help the ghost find his past life

sent here to make shit worse

and all i loved i loved alone

survival mode is not meant to be how you live

your thoughts kill you, don’t they?

as far as anyone knows you do not feel anything

i am so in love (please do not break my heart)

i hope you know how loved you are

fifteen minutes late with starbucks

alluring like wildfire and summer storms

wake up

not afraid to heal

don’t panic

i took care of that thing for you

i made me

midday criss not midlife crisis

just survive somehow

what are some of the ways you’ve died?

the hero of this story

[eleanor-writes-stuff]

a language that i never knew existed before - Day 22

For the anon who requested jealous Kylo/Ben in any setting: here’s a canon-verse post-defection Ben getting jealous over... a lot of things, really.

Jealousy has always been foreign to me, especially romantic jealousy, but I tried my best. Thanks for the prompt, and I hope you like it!

Only three ficlets left, you guys! I’m freestyling it from here on out, and I hope you’ll like what I’ve got in store for everyone.

25 Days of Reylo Also available on AO3

A week after Ben defects to the Resistance, Rey leaves him to dine in private with his mother and joins her friends for dinner for the first time since the unexpected turn of events.

It’s a quiet, awkward affair thanks to the widespread rumor that Ben gave up the galaxy for her, made all the more awkward when Rey pushes aside her half-empty plate and clears her throat.

“I know that this is… odd, for everyone,” she acknowledges, eyes flitting from Rose to Finn to Poe to Kaydel. “But the general and I would be really grateful if…”

Rey falters, drops her eyes to the table. “If…”

Under the table, Rose reaches out to give her hand a reassuring squeeze, and when Rey looks up she finds an encouraging smile on her friend’s face. “If?” Rose prompts.

“If you guys would let Ben sit with us tomorrow,” Rey says in a single breath, nearly tripping over her own words. In the silence that follows, the nervous flutter of her heart seems almost deafening to her ringing ears. She resists the urge to close her eyes, to walk away, to hide forever–

“I mean,” Poe begins contemplatively, twisting the fork in his hand. “The man did try to kill us, but he’s also singlehandedly turned the tide of this war.”

“I guess everyone’s capable of change,” Finn adds reluctantly, after a rather obvious jab to his side courtesy of Rose.

All eyes turn to Kaydel, who’s been calmly picking at her meal throughout. “If it makes the general happy,” she shrugs without looking up from her food.

And so the next morning they drag an empty chair over to their table, leave it next to Rey, and wait for the former Supreme Leader to join them for breakfast.

Rey catches sight of him hovering by the entrance while everyone else is busy discussing the day ahead, raises a hand to beckon him over–

His eyes land somewhere to her right, fixed on a seemingly random point between her and Finn, and the next thing she knows he’s scowling and turning and leaving.

The Bond is blocked that day, like a pipe clogged up by something she can’t quite identify.

A month after Ben’s arrival, the Resistance plans a celebration.

It’s nothing grand, barely a feast according to those who remember what that was like, but it’s the first celebration of any kind that Rey will ever experience, and somehow word of that reaches Leia.

Poe finds her two hours before the party and marches her over to the general’s quarters, and the next thing Rey knows she’s sitting on the ground while Leia runs soothing hands through her hair and slowly fashions it into an intricate braid befitting the occasion.

“Are braids… important to you?” Rey asks haltingly, staying as still as she can. “You don’t have to answer, it’s just that, well, you’re always wearing them, and I’ve noticed that they change, sometimes, when things happen, and Kaydel said something about your home planet once–”

“Alderaan,” Leia says quietly, hands stilling for a moment. Rey winces to herself, realizing belatedly that maybe she shouldn’t have brought up the lost planet and all the grief that comes with it on such a happy day. But when Leia speaks again, her voice is wistful instead of sad, with an airy, faraway quality to it rather than the weight of sorrow.

Leia keeps weaving. “Braids are a language all on their own, to my people. We lost a lot when our planet was taken from us, but this… this we kept. If I had a daughter, I would’ve taught her all about it the way my mother taught me, the way her mother taught her.” She laughs then, a rare, beautiful occurrence that’s increased in frequency ever since her son’s return. “I had Ben instead, but he made a perfect student nonetheless, always climbing up on tables and chairs to reach my hair and practice.”

Rey nearly, nearly turns around and ruins all of Leia’s hard work. “Ben can braid?” she asks, smiling at the thought.

“Oh yes, I taught him nearly everything–”

The door connecting Leia’s quarters to Ben’s opens, and the man himself appears with a frown on his face and a datapad in his hands.

“Mom, I’d really rather not–”

He looks up from his datapad, pauses as he takes in the sight of Leia on the edge of her bed and Rey on the floor next to her, a half-formed Alderaanian braid between them, and all Rey can think about is Ben in place of Leia, running those large hands of his through her hair, being so, so gentle with her as he honors his mother’s tradition–

She’s forcibly yanked out of her daydream when a spike of something ripples through the Bond, an indecipherable mess of a dozen emotions tangled together.

“I’ll come back later,” Ben says, and shuts the door behind him.

Leia sighs heavily and goes back to work without a single word.

Six weeks after he first arrived, the leadership grants Ben permission to leave the compound and train with Rey.

She guides him through the forest with their hands intertwined and leads him to her favorite spot, a little secret she’s kept to herself all this while and can’t wait to share with him.

Ben’s smile is as wide as her own when they finally reach her meditation spot, her excitement leaking through the Bond and seeping into his receptive mind.

“I think this is my favorite place in the galaxy,” Rey admits quietly as she tugs at his hand and urges him to sit down on the large, smooth stone she added the day he arrived, a darker twin to the one she’s been sitting on ever since she stumbled upon this place.

They settle into a peaceful silence, surrendering themselves to their surroundings, to the nexus of the forest. From this spot on the riverbank they can hear the distant crashes of the waterfall and feel the sun as it rises above them, drown out their thoughts and concerns with the sounds of the forest surrounding them, birds calling to each other and tiny critters scampering past and beyond that, below that, life itself, an ancient pulse beneath their feet that sustains the entire continent.

Rey gives herself over to it, syncs her own heartbeat to the heartbeat of the planet, of the Force–

“I can’t,” Ben growls, his red-hot irritation snapping her back to reality. When she opens her eyes he’s already up on his feet and pacing along the river, and Rey watches as he runs a hand through his hair and yanks at the ends.

“I was never any good at this anyway, the padawan who couldn’t master even the most basic kriffing task like a failure–”

She jumps to her feet then, crosses the distance between them and places a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Hey. No. You are not a failure–”

Ben doesn’t look at her, shrugs her hand off. “Easy for you to say,” he scoffs, and there it is again, that disturbance in the Bond that makes everything seem awful and wrong and–

And suddenly, Rey understands what it is.

“Jealous,” she realizes out loud, and from the corner of her eye she catches Ben as he abruptly stills. “You’re jealous,” Rey confronts him, nearly laughing in incredulity as he hangs his head, a wordless confession. She pushes a little more, untangles the complex knot to understand– “Of me. Of me? Over me, too, but of me, Ben? Why would you possibly–”

The first time he tried to join them for breakfast, Finn had a hand around her chair – around both hers and Rose’s because he’d been laughing so hard just moments before that he needed the support but Ben didn’t know that, Ben didn’t see anything other than Finn’s hand on her chair and Finn’s hand being the first to ever take hers and Finn’s hand reaching for her, always reaching for her and just like that, he made up his mind to take all of his meals far, far away from them.

When he walked in on Leia braiding her hair it felt like a slap in the face because that should’ve been him, that could’ve been him, he’d been itching to touch her for weeks, months even, but instead he’d kept his distance and now his mother was the one partaking in this intimate ritual with Rey, his mother who’d been the one to teach him, his mother who used to share this with him and only him–

“Oh,” Rey whispers to herself while Ben continues to stare at the ground. “Oh.”

Silence hangs between them, filled with all the things Rey can’t bring herself to say.

Finally, Ben does it for her. “And now… now here you are, effortlessly connecting with the Force while I keep reaching and reaching and reaching for this thing that I’ve had since the second I was born–”

Rey takes his clenched fists in her hands and slowly pries his fingers loose so that she can tangle them with her own. “Ben, that’s not… that’s not how it works.”

“Of course it’s not,” he laughs bitterly, but his hands stay in hers and that’s a start, at least. “I’m supposed to be a Skywalker, Rey. I’m a kriffing Skywalker, and I can’t even meditate right. What is wrong with me?”

Everything, he blurts out into the Bond.

Nothing, Rey counters firmly, fiercely as she guides him back to the rock and kneels down next to him.

“Did I ever tell you about the first lesson Luke taught me?” she asks, treading lightly on thin ice.

Ben tenses at the mention of his uncle, but otherwise shows no signs of reacting to it. So Rey leans in, presses her forehead to his to feed him a memory from a lifetime ago – Luke’s leading question, the blade of grass, her revelation.

She stops there; he’s seen the rest before, witnessed her question herself for succumbing so easily to the call of the Darkness.

“Now do you understand?” Rey whispers, eyes still closed as she wills him to see what Luke showed her all those months ago. “You don’t have the Force, Ben. None of us do. It’s not something for you to control; it’s something for you to connect with.”

Rey falls back on her haunches, waits for Ben to open his eyes and see, for him to understand that there’s nothing to be jealous of. The thing with Finn and his mother and her, they can work through that later. But this, the Force, the one thing he’s always been able to rely on… this she has to show him.

He stays quiet for a while, and Rey gives him the time and space he needs, backs away from the Bond to let him work through his thoughts in private, to let him rip everything he’s ever known into shreds and piece it together again.

That heavy, ugly knot of jealousy is the last thing to go, but when it does Rey feels it in her soul, snaps her eyes up to find Ben already looking at her, waiting for her.

“Will…” He slides down from the rock, kneels on the ground with her and holds out his hand. “Will you teach me?”

She smiles, laces their fingers together and leans in for a quick kiss. “We’ll learn together,” Rey promises him, and so they do.

Damn, this got out of hand. So much so that at some point I actually walked away from this and tried to write a shorter version based only on the braiding scene, but then that one got too long as well so... It’s official: I’m hopeless, you guys. Both at keeping ficlets ficlet-length and writing jealousy. Sorry, anon! I really did try, I promise.

As always, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Please don’t hesitate to like/reblog/comment!

[thranduilsperkybutt]

Ruby red nights (Part 2)

|  Part 1  |  Part 3  |

Imagine:  Imagine Olivia and Elliot being turned into vampires and as their sire, you teach them how to live as creatures of the night. It gets hot and heavy one night as they give into their new urges and before long it turns into a threesome between you nightly.

Warnings:  Trigger warning: Blood, Vampire AU

Pairing:  Olivia Benson x Reader x Elliot Stabler

Word count:  1697 words

Universe:  Vampire AU, Law and Order SVU

Reader gender:  Female

Author:  Ilariya_Lavoro writes

The sun was high in the sky sapping you dry, you could not leave your bed even if you dared to want to. The daylight was forced back, hiding behind the thick specially designed curtains that covered the large bay windows on the far wall of your bedroom but yet you could still feel the effects of those hellish rays.

The waves of purple silk covering the bare lower half were cooling but simply not enough. You longed for the sweet embrace of the dead man’s slumber but yet it did not come. You could not find the way into the magical, thoughtless moment to get through the long hours of sunshine. It was out of your reach in this one moment.

All you were left with were your thoughts and a lifetime of memories as you tried to get comfort for the endless hours that lay ahead. The sun would hang in the sky, taunting you until it too found its slumber beneath the horizon. Your night was humanity’s daytime. This had been a simple truth that your progeny had struggled to come to terms with. Yet you had found a coven of witches albeit reluctant at first, who were able to help once you paid their steep price in order to make your children happy.

This was your price, to lose your ability to find peace in dark delight of sleep once a week. This had been your choice to sacrifice one night of strength in exchange for the creation of enchanted daylight emblems. Simple jewellery which housed the powerful spell to protect them from the deadly power of the sun.

A signet ring emblazoned with your personal coat of arms and necklace with a pendant bearing the same sign, that the bearers were your children. Each item, the witches had further blessed with another simpler spell to prevent them from breaking. Your price had been a heavy one but it was a price that you would willingly make again, in a heartbeat.

Beads of sweat quickly gathered, drenched your brow but the smile upon your lips could not completely mask your agony, your pain. “It’s worth the mind numbing agony” You whispered, your voice hoarse and strained as you spoke through gritted teeth.

Registration, the formal ceremony that all fledgling vampires must go through. It was seen as a symbolic rite of passage where they would be simply introduced the wider community, entering into the coven that made up the area. It was never quite that simplicistic. Your mind wandered back to that moment.

This was not your first bite of the cherry. It had only been a few nights since your children had been fully turned but they need to be registered. The elders would not forgive you a second time. Last time, you had been a younger more volatile vampire. Anger and hatred were your poison of choice, turning your victim out of spite. That particular childe never forgave you, they never let you forget the choice you had made that night over four centuries ago.

It had been a terrible mistake, born from your own self hatred. In that moment you had become the person you despised above all others, your own sire. It had brought you back down to reality, as you had tried to repair the damage with your first childe. The tie between the two of you wasn’t as strained and tentative as it could of have been, yet Emma still accepted your support and friendship. Something you highly doubted she would have three centuries ago.

This time was different, Olivia and Elliot had been on the brink, dangling over the hungry jaws of death. They had weakly called out as the darkness crept into their vision. They wanted to live and you had chosen to heed their calls, answer their pleas for aid and snatch death’s latest flesh coated prize. You could of easily hastened their deaths, draining them dry and relishing in the taste of the heavenly elixir that was the lifeblood of humanity.

The elder’s nest had always been a place you actively tried to avoid when possible. There was a perpetual dark cloud that lingered in the atmosphere over the den. The home was far from welcoming, a heavy oppressive weighted upon your chest each and every time you found yourself within these walls.

You stood as a still as statue, shadowed by Olivia and Elliot in the entrance hall waiting to be seen. “Tell me, why are we here in the middle of the night?” Elliot asked, frustration rolled off each word in waves. You shook your head, your hair danced as you moved lightly tickling the back of your neck.

“All newborn vampire must be presented before the Area’s elder, to be registered and accounted for. This is part of our law to prevent chaos and discovery,” there was only truth held within your words, you were repeating your own sire’s words spoken a lifetime ago to you. A boredom lingered as you spoke the well versed paraphrase. It was one of the few memories of your sire that was not tainted by a cold rage. A rage that you could not let go of.

“You are both part of this world. Dancing between the realms life and death to preserve the balance” You locked your gaze first with Olivia then turning your attention to Elliot, trying to read the emotion reflected within their eyes. Elliot was far easier to read out of your pair of children. The annoyance at the stiff and stuffy rigmarole grated at his already short nerves.

“Elder Cruz will see you now” Those few words were enough to make you ever so slightly nervous. Annalise Cruz had taken over control of Area 46 in the late 18th century after a turf war had render the previous elder obsolete and needing to be removed, piece by piece. They had ended up in several piece spread across the miles, Cruz had been judge, jury and executioner of Vampiric Law down to the letter. She was not to be messed with.

You lightly nodded, conveying respect as you began to move with Elliot and Olivia in tow. The last time that you had presented yourself before Elder Cruz had been over forty five years prior to this night. It had been a simple check in of sorts, updating your status within the area and play at the dalliance of court that the nest provided. You were a minor player that lingered in the back. You were of no real importance to the Elder or her inner circle but still you were expected to show face ever decade or two.

With your head held high, your feet quickly lead you down the winding corridor before passing through the open archway. Your gaze shifted right then left, taking in various vampires dotted about the room before you. You took in each individual in the vast space, some faces more familiar than others before you found the elder.

She stood in the center of the room, at first glance most would believe to her to nothing more than a child barely into her teenage years. Her youthful appearance was nothing short of a deception; she was well over eight hundred years old, turned only a handful of days after her twelfth birthday.

Olivia followed your gaze, shocked by the very sight of a child-like immortal but you cut in before she could voice her honest opinion. “There are more vampires like her, in days gone by, children were considered the easiest of preys. Our kin knew humanity would always continue to breed and in times of famine, war and chaos most would not notice a few children simply disappearing,” your words were matter of fact, you had only expressed a statement of truth on how some vampire chose their feeds.

“It is one of the reasons, the law evolved and changed to prevent such barbaric feeding frenzy for continuing,” you could feel the anger in Elliot rising once more and the disgust within Olivia.

You smiled softly at your children, brushing the back of your palm down his face trying your best to calm the rage. “History is there is teach us to be better than those who came before”

“Your sire speaks the truth, such distasteful turning are now explicitly forbidden in all areas of this great nation. It is punishable by death, youngling.”

Elder Cruz’s words that night had burnt into both of their memories, it had been a great relief to them both. The progressive nature of the ruling Elder calmed the tension that had begun to ralt at their moral compass. Their humanity would in theory remain intact for now at the very least with the knowledge that the old ways were no more within the very borders that they resided in.

You turned to face the older vampire before bowing your head in greeting, out of respect for the rules, “Good evening, Elder, these are my children, Olivia and Elliot.” You gestured your hand from one to the other. Your voice remained calm, methodical, showing prior experience from many years before, going through this with your last Childe.

Elder Cruz’s gaze took in each one carefully, examining them from head down to their toes before a smile broke across her lips, showing her childish glee briefly. “Indeed my friend, I welcome thee to the night. We are now kindred but be wary, I do not hold those who defy the sacred laws without contempt and punishment”  The threat was far from subtle, this was her way. She was not one to mince her words even in polite conversation.

Annalise Cruz’s attention and focus turned back to you. Her smile still remained but the warmth that been there moments before had now vanished, leaving a hollow, falseness behind in its place. “Walk with me my friend, we have much to catch up on. Your children will be fine without their sire for but a moment”

You quickly nodded, recognising the intent behind the words. This was no mere invitation, but a command to begin the final part of Olivia’s and Elliot’s registration.

To be continued

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 008: Capture the Flag

Previously on BnHA: Deku won his homeroom teacher’s approval by sending a baseball into outer space. Recovery Girl was like, “stop breaking shit.” All the characters got their superhero costumes revealed EXCEPT FOR DEKU because the mangaka is a fucking tease.

Today on BnHA: All Might’s first class! The kids split into teams of two to play Capture the Flag Nuclear Device! And, oh yes

KACCHAN VS DEKU

(((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))

As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 11 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.

hold onto your butts, kids, because we’ve reached the second volume, and judging from the cover it seems like this rivalship is about to heat up

also this cover totally spoils Izuku’s about-to-be-revealed superhero costume, but that’s okay since I’ve seen it before already

I’m at a loss for words at how wonderful and perfect this title is. just want to give it a round of applause

and I accidentally saw the title for chapter 9 while I was scrolling through the volume index and. !!!!!!!!!

(it’s “Deku vs. Kacchan” in case you were wondering)

SOMEBODY better have learned how to clench his butt more gently and visualize that damn microwave egg real good, that’s all I’m saying, because shit’s apparently about to hit the fan

ahhh there is a whole page of detailed backstory on how their costumes were made. I’m gonna cry they put so much actual thought into it

LMAO Bakugou helped design his own ridiculous costume

this will absolutely ensure that everyone takes you seriously, Kacchan

real talk this is the most Gokuderaish shit he’s done so far. I knew he had some nerdiness in him somewhere

there is apparently a Quirk Registry where everyone’s quirk details are kept in some kind of national index. pretty sure this kind of thing was the impetus behind the conflict in the first X-Men film, as well as the first (comic-verse) Marvel Civil War. but I guess it’s not as controversial when 80% of the population has these powers. at that point you’re like “yeah okay let’s make a list”

in Horikoshi’s Wikipedia bio it said he was a huge Marvel fan and it fucking shows. in a good way

lol Izuku’s mom startled him and he hung up on All Might

what is he actually going to list as his quirk though, since the whole One for All thing is supposed to be a secret? what does AM have on his own quirk registry form?

(ETA: in chapter 11 it’s revealed that All Might has told at least 3 other people about his quirk, though. so there’s that. I wonder if he has a friend in the government, or if not, maybe the U.A. principal has some influence. or hell, he probably has a fair amount of influence himself, being the great symbol of peace.)

his mom is apologizing to Izu for her sad crying in his sad flashback. is this going to get emotional. Deku hasn’t cried yet in this chapter and the clock is ticking, so

sob Deku is wearing the costume his mom made him with love. I can’t

THE JUMPSUIT IS FINE BUT THE HELMET THING. I FUCKING CAN’T

also is this thing really going to hold up when he goes all out? last time he ripped the arm right off of his jacket. I hope he did tell them something about his quirk, otherwise this thing is not going to last

(ETA: lol he did not and lol it did not)

the good thing is that everyone else’s costumes are also so fucking ridiculous that not a one of them can say a damned word

except for this guy

I don’t know his name. right now he’s Hot Guy in the Corner. but this guy knows how to uniform

listen, I have heard people compliment my shoes as “really comfortable looking” enough times to know when someone is just trying to be polite and reaching hard. I appreciate the thought though

trying to figure out how those giant boots of hers could possibly be useful for her zero-g powers. especially since she apparently didn’t actually request them. maybe they’ve got magnets or some shit

All Might is embarrassed that Deku made derivative Victory Antennae for his own costume just like All Might’s

AW HE LOVES YOU

statistically the most heinous villains are more likely to appear indoors. there could be a Heinous Villain standing behind you right now. it may already be too late. hide yo kids hide yo wife

now All Might’s going to split them into two-person teams and sic ‘em on each other

”this teaching thing is fucking easy.” [pats self on back]

these kids are the best

oh damn he’s actually got a whole involved scenario for the thing. as expected of the man who so obsessively planned every last minute little detail of Izuku’s training

but actually this is just capture the flag

it’s capture the flag my dude

in theory their partners will be chosen by drawing lots! in reality it’s the all-powerful hand of the mighty mangaka at work

lmao Iida questions if this is really the best way and Izu launches into a lengthy explanation about how it makes sense because it’s similar to what might happen in real life, and Iida fucking apologizes for getting ahead of himself. YOU’VE BROUGHT SHAME UPON YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IIDA. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE LOTS

somehow I saw this coming

the guy on Discount Zuko’s right has such a flat head I didn’t register him as a person for a sec and was wondering why Discount Zuko didn’t appear to have a partner

I’m 99% sure Discount Zuko’s name is Todoroki by the way, but WHEN. WILL. HE. get an actual introduction goddammit?!

heh

...am I really going to have to learn the rest of these characters’ names too?? there are 16 of them. this is like the goddamn Chuunin Exams all over again

goddammit

Ochako is so happy to be paired up with Izu, while Izu is Having a Crisis

yeah son you need to get over that

oh boy here come the ~RANDOM LOTS~

a.k.a. the ONLY TWO TEAMS WITH NAMED CHARACTERS ON THEM*

*I know Yuri on Ice is a named character as well but I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS and CLEARLY IT DOESN’T MATTER YET ANYWAY

my GOD those are some fortunate ~RANDOM LOTS~

so what do the other 16 people do, just sit back and watch?

son of a

I suppose they’ll all take turns and the next four will go once these four are done, though. off-screen of course. fuck those guys

All Might is telling Bakugou to adopt a villain mindset and that it’s okay for him to go all out. All Might out here trying to get Deku killed

this gon be good

meanwhile Ochaku and Izu are trying to memorize the building’s layout. Ocha isn’t stressed because this time they don’t have to worry about being expelled

and it must be my birthday because here’s a whole page all about Izuku musing on his and Bakugou’s rivalship

sooooo this is either gonna be a draw or Bakugou probably will actually lose to him. the latter is going to fuck that kid right up if it happens

:D

(ETA: :DDDDD)

YES. EXACTLY. DAMN MY WEAKNESS FOR RIVALRIES

All Might thinks loudly at his son that he’s not going to show him any favoritism

All Might is a fucking liar but it’s cute so he gets a pass

Deku and Ocha are sneaking in through a window. I assume Ocha floated them up there or something. she’s so smart and talented

I wonder if she could just float Iida and Bakugou out of the building so that they wouldn’t have to actually fight them

Izu’s helmet makes him look like Sonic the Fucking Hedgehog and it’s really distracting me

BAKUGOU LEAPING IN OUT OF NOWHERE TO ATTACK THEM

THANK FUCK, HE BLASTED DEKU’S HELMET OFF

NOW he looks like the Izuku I’m always seeing on tumblr posts

JUST TAKE OFF THE OTHER HALF OF THE HELMET, DUDE

this Momotaro-looking guy is complaining that Bakugou’s sneak attack wasn’t “manly” but dude he’s supposed to be playing the villain in this scenario

heh. he’s off the fucking hinges

OH FUCKING DAMN

IS HE ABOUT TO IPPON SEOI NAGE THIS MOFO

”did he just read my moves?” wereeeee you thinking your movement was actually subtle...? let’s go back and take another look

this is such an obvious attack a three year old could probably read it

not discounting Deku, though. son of a bitch really DID ippon seoi nage the shit out of him

YES DEKU, YES

“Kachaan, you almost always lead with that right hook.” his lifetime of being bullied finally pays off! also, seriously, that was the most obvious right fucking hook anyone’s ever attempted. thanks in part to the always dynamic and interesting art style!

ummmm

is... this... actually a compliment somehow...?

no, seriously, he’s leading into a speech about how he’s not gonna sit back and take Kacchan’s shit anymore, but he also just analyzed his attack, and then said that this is something he specifically does with “heroes he thinks are awesome”

for now my verdict is that it is a compliment but it’s probably unintended and he might not be paying attention to what he just said

anyway, Deku’s getting seriously fired up now

KACCHAN YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF MOTHERFUCKER THIS IS THE FACE OF A KID WHO’S ABOUT TO CLENCH HIS FUCKING BUTT

lmao this tiny panel of Iida looking around wondering where everyone else is

darn him

FREEZE FRAME!!

ENHANCE

ARE THOSE

TEARS

DEKU

DEKU

THIS WAS LITERALLY THE LAST PANEL

YOU WERE IN THE CLEAR

OH MY SWEET GREEN SON

...one of these days. one of these days we’ll get there

BONUS:

my takeaway from this is that some of these characters don’t actually have normal names and are only going to go by their superhero names, which makes me wonder if we’ll ever find out All Might’s name. I want to knoooooow but don’t spoil me please sob