#* 𝒋𝒐𝒉𝒏 𝒎𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒔𝒉 / ask .

[deadwar-arch]

J.M. HEADCANON .

( warning for toxic relationships / controlling behaviors )

soap has been in only one (1) long term relationship in his lifetime and it wasn't good at all. he had a few flings before that never lasted and he's had several in present time that are usually just a hook up and gone the next day.

in 7th grade, john met jeremy barclay ; football (soccer) captain and popular. john was a punk teenager who was always getting into a bit of trouble, but was a straight a student nonetheless. jeremy wanted to get back at his parents for being such strict people and decided to start going out with john. not only did a gay relationship rock his parents to their cores, but john's choice in clothing styles doubled down on it. crop tops, the mohawk, the piercings, the makeup. john mactavish was a very sweet boy through and through, but they just couldn't get past that, and jeremy couldn't be happier about it.

please note that john was also in the process of transitioning at the time, and this did add-on to jeremy's parents' disapproval.

they're together from 7th grade and until john enlists in the military. the time in between seemed very sweet and good on the outside. jeremy seemed protective, and john was so much very in love with him. however, jeremy's "protectiveness" was a lot more than just that. he was jealous, possessive (not in the good way), and controlling. that being said, this is also all john ever really knew.

john couldn't go out with friends without him being there as well. he was always asking questions about every man john spoke with or was friends with. at some point, it caused a rift in some of john's friendships and they were broken off within a few months. john saw jeremy's actions as said, protective and looking out for him. john's mother saw right through it, but no matter what she said, john wouldn't hear it. he was in love and that was the end of it.

jeremy did get physical once ; grabbing john's arm a bit too harshly when he was talking to another man. he apologized, stating he was only worried and it got the better of him, and john accepted it.

for years, this continued and john saw it as normal behavior because he had gotten used to it. jeremy constantly asking where he is or where he's been, and when john happens to forget to tell him he's going out with friends, jeremy is giving him the silent treatment for several days after. john thinks it's his fault because he should've told him and he should've let him know just in case something happened.

their relationship ended on "good" terms when john enlisted and around that time, jeremy's parents decided they were all going to move away. jeremy didn't seem too broken up about it as john did, but they were over without a fight or argument, so john sees that as good terms.

---

this affects the way john is in relationships in both romantic and platonic settings.

that relationship kickstarted a great deal of anxiety. he is nothing but a people pleaser and is always trying to correct what he thinks he may have done wrong, even if he did nothing at all. in some ways, this also relates to his fear of abandonment.

when john is in a relationship, he's expecting the exact same as before. he's expecting the many questions, the i need to come with you in case something happens. it doesn't matter if he's physically able to take care of himself now. it's still there.

when it doesn't happen, he gets confused and the anxiety builds. he thinks it's a trick and most of the time, he just won't go. he'll cancel his plans because what if he's mad and doesn't want to tell me?

--

note that john is a possessive person himself, but not in a controlling way. he's more of the don't touch what isn't yours type.

[deadwar-arch]

@pseudodead : proximity wasn't a luxury afforded by many. a gentle touch? a distant memory from a man buried six feet under ( a borrowed face on borrowed time ). but, both had been easier with Soap [ ... ] at least once upon a time — . gloved fingers frozen in place, earthen hues wide as reality set in: past tense. the man before him no longer his lieutenant ( his Johnny ). a none-too-tactical retreat from wiping the blood off his cheek. ❝ good shot. ❞ (ghost to shadow!soap)

once upon a time, things had been good. things had been so good that all soap had to do was take a slightly calculated lean and he was able to rest on ghost's shoulder with no issues. physical affection is, and always will be, apart of him. but recent events have turned everything sour. there's a part of him that has wanted to kill the man in front of him more times than once. however, when the opportunity presented itself, he couldn't do it.

gaze locks onto the hand in front of him and keeps still, watching carefully. but then ghost pulls it back and something in his chest aches. so much so, that he reaches out, fingers catching ghost's sleeve and he takes in a deep ( shaky ) breath. his immediate reaction is not one he's proud of ; yet, he stands here staring up at him. fuck. find your fucking voice, mactavish. ' wasn't my best. '

[deadwar-arch]

@pseudodead : a gloved hand pressed firm upon the back of Soap's neck [ ... ] drawing him close until lips brushed against the cloth of Ghost's mask. an unspoken word of warning in his gaze: don't keep me waiting, Johnny. (supply drops a kiss)

hands are by his sides as he's pulled in, warmth spreading from his neck all the way up to his cheeks. he's almost unsure until he sees the look in ghost's eyes and it's --- oh. as if his brain flips a switch, hands finally moved to cradle the other's face between them, pulling him closer as he pressed his lips against the mask for a proper kiss. ( if he's standing on his toes to reach him better, who else is to know? )

[deadwar-arch]

@pseudodead : consider: Ghost shaking Shadow!Soap like a polaroid picture

there's somewhat of a grin that slowly creeps its way to his features at the motion. the shake to his form and the hand around his throat does nothing but to make him grin even wider. what's he doing? soap isn't entirely sure, but the way ghost is staring him down leads him to believe it's not entirely friendly. still, it doesn't stop the laughter that comes out of his own mouth. it's quiet and short, but still laughter. ' y' try'na shake somethin' outta me, lt? '

[deadwar-arch]

bites soap

@ecopoison

soap bites back

[deadwar-arch]

@pseudowar : BANGS HANDS ON DESK AND HANDS YOU DANNY “   good to see you made it back safe .   ”

it's been a while since he's been working for the shadows , but it's been good . he's made friends and the weight on his shoulders is a little lighter . as time went on , it got a little easier to sleep at night . the constant nightmares have ceased to a few and the multiple distractions definitely help . he's able to work as much as he wants , and maybe that's not healthy , but when has that ever stopped anyone else ?

good to see you made it back safe .

the familiar voice from behind brings an immediate smile to his face . danny has been a big help in making him feel comfortable , to make him feel like this is where he belongs . the kindness he showed when he first got here and eventually in the way he defends him against the others who have doubts , the ones who think he's a spy , soap almost immediately grew attached . ever since , it's hard to see one without the other . john turns to him as he starts to remove his gear , packs being emptied one by one . ' safe is a strong word . nearly got myself blown up , but still have all my limbs so i guess we're okay . ' amusement laces his tone as he looks down at himself before removing the velcro of his vest , heaving a heavy sigh when the weight releases . ' ya miss me that bad ? '

[deadwar-arch]

@markedwrath :  ⛓️ for soap

He's not sure how he got here, not really --- or rather, he can't remember. He doesn't remember much between the time he entered the building and the time they started beating the ever living fuck out of him. Maybe he will later. Right now, his head is spinning and his body aches and there's something holding his hands behind his back. Slow blinking his eyes open, Soap scans the room, gaze falling on a body in front of him along with another in the corner. Did he do that? No, he couldn't have. Get it together, MacTavish.

Blood fills his mouth once again and he spits, grunting as the muscles in his jaw move and ache along with it. He takes a slow deep breath, trying his best not to wince at the few, most likely, broken ribs and started wiggling his hands to get free. It's not a lot of energy but he's putting enough effort into it to feel like it. ' Fuck. ' A muttered curse as the ropes dig into his wrists further and he straightens up a little better. A noise catches his attention and he's freezing immediately, fingers flexing in irritation as he looks over his shoulder ( and that's a mistake because it only makes his head hurt worse ). ' If y'came t' finish me off, better make it quick. Don't got all fuckin' day, eh? '

[deadwar-arch]

we're here tonight for sad mw.3 thoughts and s.oap and his mental health bc im thinking abt him again.

this man wanting so badly to get makarov back, wanting so badly to put the bullet in him himself. but he's so tired. he's so exhausted and trying to relearn how to hold a gun without shaking or be able to withstand the sound of gunfire again. every single bit of his recovery is exhausting. and there's been too many times during it that he wishes it would've killed him instead.

edit: john is not actively looking for ways to.. you know.... it's just him thinking about the past of it and how he wishes it had at the time.

[deadwar-arch]

fun fact: during s.oap's operation after getting shot, he died on the table. at least once, he did. the doctors told him and he hasn't told anyone else about it because he thinks they already have too much to deal with. so he keeps that thought to himself.

[deadwar-arch]

@furtivitee : the room is … cold, but not uncomfortably so—just cold enough that he doesn’t fear soap’s body heat driving his own through the roof—and it’s perfect; gaz has a need. not one he has often, one that he voices even less often. he doesn’t even voice now, as he slides beneath soap’s blanket, pressing against his back and slinging an arm around his waist, a quiet sigh on his lips.

he's comfortable and warm under this blanket, pulled up to his chin and sleeping almost soundly until he feels movement on the other side -- casting a quick glance over his shoulder to register gaz before turning back. it's almost natural the way he moves back into him, feeling the arm around his waist and settling close.

soap is a cuddler. everyone knows it and some don't mind it. he's aware that gaz really isn't, so he never presses the issue. a tease here and there, but nothing more than that. so when he's voluntarily crawling under this blanket with him? he doesn't say a word. not a fucking peep. he only moves his hand to take kyle's wrist and pull his arm tighter around him. there. that's comfortable.

[deadwar-arch]

@furtivitee : “ can i ask… what happened? ”  for soap !

The tension in his shoulders is tight as his chest feels even tighter. Fingers grip the glass in his hand, knuckles turning white before he's loosening it. He can't break it. John takes a deep breath as he straightens up, casting a glance to the other man then choosing to sip on his scotch before answering.

There a pause, almost as if he's hesitating -- and that's not a lie. It's been a few months since, but the nightmares still plague his mind. The therapy barely works and his shoulder is a constant reminder of what happened that night. ' Don't know where t' start. ' Another breath and he swallows, fingers tapping against the glass as he tries to deflect from the fact his hand is shaking. It's okay to talk about, he reminds himself. He wants to. ' After... after Graves pulled his stunt, Simon and I got separated. Did my best to tie off my arm, but there was only so much I could do. Thought I was on my own until I got ahold of Simon. It was --- God, it was awful. ' Another sip of his drink before he's pouring more into it. ' Never done anything like that before an' --- He talked me through it, but... too many close calls. I'll take a battle field over that again any day. '

There's more hesitation in his next words, seriously debating whether he should say it, whether he should come out with the truth that only his therapist knows ------ whether he should put his vulnerability on the table right here. One more swallow of scotch and he decides to do it anyway. How much worse could it all get? ' There was a moment when I lost trust in Simon. For a split second, it crossed my mind that he left me behind. He'd been through the area I was in. The same exact area. Left knives an' other shit behind. Only lasted for a minute, but it happened. I didn't know what else t' think. Shepherd betrayed us, Graves too. Everything all at once, it just... I still feel like shit for it. Feel a bit guilty for thinkin' it, y' know? ' A quiet sniffle and hand reaches up to scratch the stubble growing along his jaw. ' Solo missions still make me uncomfortable. '

[deadwar-arch]

@pseudodead : "Shh, it's just me." (ghost/soap)

He should be fine by now. The nightmares should've stopped and he should've been over this already --- but that isn't the case. He dreams of nothing but cold damp streets and the overwhelming smell of blood and death. Rot burning his nostrils as he enters house after house, trying to navigate his way to Ghost. To Simon. Usually these dreams play out until he's shot dead or he ends up 'passing out' and he wakes up in a cold sweat.

But tonight is different. This one doesn't play out as usual and it feels a bit too real. What if he never left? What if he's still there and has been hallucinating this entire time? What if he never got to Simon and they still haven't found a way out? Whatever the case may be, he's pushing himself to move until a dark shadow blocks his view and a hand is touching his arm and the muffled sound of his name. A quick movement and he's grabbing them, twisting and shoving his knee into their sternum, gun cocked and pressed under their jaw.

Shh, it's just me.

The voice clicks something in his brain. It makes him slow down. It takes a few moments for him to open his eyes, chest heaving and sweat dripping into his eyes. Simon. One hand is holding the other man's wrist and his other his throat. Thank God for no gun. Still, it doesn't fix this situation. It takes Soap a few moments to have control over his body again, staying frozen and staring down at him, wide eyed and apologetic until he can speak. ' Fuck --- Fuck. 'm sorry. Simon, I didn't mean --- Shit. ' With a quick motion, he's off of him, moving himself away and sitting on the floor with distance between them. His legs still feel like jelly, walking is not an option at the moment.

[deadwar-arch]

@pseudowar : "Okay," He's got his head in John's lap, is staring at him adoringly. "But. What if I break his leg as a treat."

He can't help but look at the bruise along Trick's face, knowing exactly where it came from, and it makes his chest ache. He never wanted to involve him in his past, just as he's sure Trick doesn't want him wrapped up in his. But at some point, Jeremy decided to show back up. How he knew where they were going to be is beyond him, but it doesn't matter. What matters is the fact he and Trick decided to have a fight in the middle of the restaurant, one they went to once a month as a group ( Him, Trick, Ghost, and Roach ). John feels like shit because he just sat there and did nothing --- he couldn't move . He doesn't know why and it bothers him.

Nonetheless, Trick won that battle and afterwards, John tells him everything. He tells him what happened during their relationship because he thinks Trick deserves to know ; he owes him that much for the trouble. Currently, John is petting his hair and shaking his own head with a sigh. ' No. Y' only got away with it this time 'cause Simon was there t' bail ya out. They're not gonna believe it a second time. 'Sides, I doubt we're gonna see him again anyway. Proved y' point pretty well. '