#): anyways. tumblr's my little online diary as it has been for the past decade..

[pendraegon]

):

[lovemesomesurveys]

1) What are some positive things, realizations or habits that came out of quarantine for you? Things haven’t changed much for me because I’ve been a hermit crab anyway the past few years, spending majority of my time at home anyway. I do miss my few outings I did have, though, like trips to the grocery store and to the movies. I’ve only had to go to a doctor appointment, in person, twice since all this started, when before I had two appointments every month, so that has been nice. Not having those in-person, twice a month appointments has been something positive for me I suppose. However, should go see one of those doctors at some point. I’ll have to see how the rest of this year goes in terms of how my city’s case numbers go. My state has been a hotspot. :/

2) How do you feel about people who are "workaholics"? Would you consider yourself one? How do you personally maintain a work-life balance? If you aren't working, what personal activity or task takes up most of your time? I’m definitely not one. :X I admire people who are driven, ambitious, and hardworking, I wish I had that. However, it’s important to take some time for yourself, too, and allow yourself rest, so I hope “workaholics” keep that in mind. Don’t work yourself to death. Your body will often force you to rest somehow at some point if you overwork it, so do allow yourself rest. It’s not a bad thing. Anyway, the activities that take up my time consist of checking my social medias off and on throughout the day, watching YouTube, playing Animal Crossing, spending time with my family, watching TV, scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, and listening to ASMR. I’m sooo busy, guys. ha.

3) How financially responsible would you say you are? What could you spend less money on? I’ve been pretty good this year with my spending, actually. I was getting a bit carried away for a bit there with online shopping and using my credit cards too much. I also used to spend a lot of money on food and Starbucks. This year I haven’t really been doing any of that. 

4) How would you describe yourself as a friend? What value would you say you bring to your friends? Okay big ramble coming... I was an awful friend a few years ago. I became very distant and withdrawn from everyone outside of my immediate family and basically just fell off the grid. My former friends tried reaching out numerous times. A few years ago began my downward spiral into  this hole I’ve been in and I just haven’t been in a good place. I’ve been dealing with physical health stuff, but it’s the mental (depression and anxiety) that has really taken a toll. I pushed everyone away because of it. I didn’t have the energy and my messed up mind told me it was better to push everyone away, they don’t need me in their lives. They didn’t deserve to be ghosted and I feel absolutely horrible for doing that. None of what I was going through or feeling justifies what I did. Needless to say, I’m a shitty friend. I wasn’t like that before, I was always the loyal friend who was there for my friends. I was the friend people felt they could always come to talk to and get advice from. I’ve become someone these past few years that I don’t recognize, that I don’t want to be, and that I absolutely hate.

5) In psychology they say that our romantic relationships are an extension of our relationships with our parents, and that we tend to choose our partners based on whatever was lacking in our childhood, or that we are attracted to traumas and sufferings that are familiar to us rather than the unknown. Can you relate to this? I was very fortunate and blessed to be raised by amazing parents who have always been very loving and supportive. They’ve always been there for me and have and continue to do so much for me. I can’t and don’t blame them for my issues. It wasn’t because of anything they did or that I lacked in childhood. I’m not sure about the being attracted to traumas and sufferings that are familiar to us part. I mean, sure, we’re likely to form a bond or connection to someone we can relate to or someone we feel understands us. I’m not sure if that’s what you mean by that part, though. 

6) Is there a specific type of survey you miss taking? How or where do you find new surveys to take these days? I like taking surveys like this, the kind with random and interesting questions that allow me to elaborate and ramble/vent when I need to. Surveys with more than just the simple, basic questions. I get my surveys from a few fellow survey takers on here for the most part, but sometimes I have to go hunt on LiveJournal. Thankfully, ya’ll find a lot of the surveys so I don’t have to hunt too often haha.

7) Do you still care about tags on surveys? When you see surveys that you know don't credit the maker nowadays, how do you feel? If there’s a tag on it from the creator then of course I’ll leave it on. However, there rarely ever is and that’s either because the creator didn’t put one or it was erased long ago. A lot of these surveys are like a decade or so old and are from different platforms like Xanga, LiveJournal, and Bzoink, so there’s no way to know who the creator was. They’ve been circulated so many times. 

8) Is there anyone in your life who knows about your survey-taking habits? How would / do you explain the concept of our community to someone, if you ever have to? I like to keep my surveys to myself. Obviously, I put them out there for ya’ll to see, but I don’t want to share them with anyone in my personal life. These are like my diary. It’s a place for me to vent and ramble about whatever. Anyway, if I were to explain the survey community I’d probably just say what I said about them being like my diary and a way for me to vent and ramble. A way to express myself.

9) What happened the last time you had a disagreement or falling out with a friend? Or the last time you had to apologize to someone? I already explained a big fallout I had with my friends.

10) Can you tell when you are not well-liked? What do you do when you feel someone is not particularly fond of you? Can you remember the last time you were in that situation? I mean, I just feel like I’m not well liked anyway or like I’m not anything special. 

11) How would you say your preference in movies or TV shows changed from when you were a teenager vs. now? Well, I still watch some of the stuff I watched back then and stuff like it.

12) Apart from price and location, what are some deciding factors when choosing a house for you? What is something you love the most in your current home, and what would you change if you could? My family and I are just looking for a house 4 adults and a doggo can live comfortably. Hardwood floor would be nice. I’d love to have a big backyard for my doggo and a nice patio deck where I could just chill if I wanted. I appreciate that I have a home at all, it’s just that we’ve outgrown this 2-bedroom a long time ago and have accumulated a lot of stuff. If we had a little bigger space, nothing crazy, it would be perfect.

13) Do you know any "influencers" in real life? How much are you actually likely to follow an influencer's advice or recommendations? I’m not one to just try something solely because someone else said to. It has to be something I’m actually interested in and want to try. I appreciate the recommendations and advice, though. It’s cool hearing about something I’m not familiar with and may have never heard of otherwise. 

14) What emotion is the hardest for you to express? Can you think of a time when you felt force or successfully expressed this emotion? I have a hard time expressing myself and my feelings in general. It’s easier for me to do that in writing or like in a survey.

15) How do you feel about job interviews? Are you good at negotiation? Was there a time when you felt you didn't do so well during the interview, but still got the job? I’ve never had one, but I know I’d be an anxious, nervous wreck. Like I said, I’m not good at expressing myself or talking about myself despite how it may seem in these surveys. I don’t like the focus and attention on me at all. I’m also not good with being put on the spot. I don’t have that quick wit some people have. And then there’s having to “sell yourself” so to speak and hype yourself up to sound good for the job and I’m not good at that either. 

[violetemerald]

Or watch the version with all sorts of potentially distracting, potentially just explanatory, text on top of the  screen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Htd9luUsMe8

I had to delete the first copy of the no-text version and re-render/re-upload because I forgot to list Shameless as a fandom in the end credits. And I wanted to fix a small 1 frame black gap. But yeah there are actually 33 fandoms, not 32, I had missed one when counting them up, whoops!! XD For the original posting with the text all over, the original text version, I’m not deleting and re-posting because it’s an entry in a contest, but the mistakes are still present in there. But yeah this is my entry for the 3rd and Final round of the Who You Are contest GlowingAprilSky has been hosting, season 2. The round was called "Journey Backwards" and the rules stated here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVJHoaJ-cDE explain: "Start from where you are now, and go back to the beginning of your story. Show me all about you and your story." 

Ask if you want me to type up the voiceovers.

Starting off with where I'm at currently in my life, I just turned 28 years old and I'm:

1. starting to do real Asexual Activism including last weekend I presented at one workshop and at one caucus at the Creating Change (an LGBTQ) conference in my city, I'm

2. employed and doing well at my administrative assistant type contractor job in a government building, I'm

3. learning to face my grief over my friend perpetrating a murder-suicide. See this video for more info: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGPFGnZ3XEE

4. I live with my wonderful dad as an adult with no intention of moving out anytime soon, and my dad has been having a few health diagnosis things lately and needs heart surgery to put in a defibrillator very soon

(Now those 4 are all kinda overlapping and at once. I'm trying to do this whole vid in reverse-chronological order, but my dad specifically found out in December he'd need to get a defibrillator ASAP so that a fairly likely sudden heart event will, instead of almost certainly killing him, much more likely him surviving it, surgery has now been scheduled for February, whereas it was still the end of November when my suicidal podcasting partner murdered his wife before ending his own life. But my grief over that friend of mine I did a podcast with, the part of this that is “my story”, is an ongoing thing (as grief often is)-that spans both before and after me finding out about my dad's recent news with his health. Similarly ongoing is me living with him as it's a “for many years” situation that's still important to capture SOMEWHERE for an autobiographical vid. Etc. So I was trying my best and picking when and how to capture a lot of this.

The car crash happened when I was distracted and near-tears over my breakup because of the music I was listening to too intensely and I think that's one of the "life events in my story" that I won't be forgetting any time soon.

So much of this vid is more personal than I can explain, little choices of scenes that ring truer than you could even know.

I think blogging helped me a lot with processing my asexuality and my mother's abuse, and I did it for years and still do it. I started about my mom on tumblr in 2010 even maybe but my real WordPress blog I started in 2014.

Around 1:43-1:48 in the video is me having started attending Asexual Meetups in mid-2014! Which is a HUGE deal, all my closest friends since then were pretty much from that group plus I organize the meetups a lot of the time now, host in my house etc!

Right after that, 1:48-1:52 I kinda "gloss over" my uncle's suicide which really was a pretty huge traumatic deal, and I still am grieving him in some ways, of course I am, he was such a great guy. I went on a suicide prevention walk last summer (2016) with him in mind but that didn't make it into the video, eventually I'll finish a full vid themed just around loved ones of suicidal people, I already started such a vid around then...

I really stressed before I knew about asexuality about being a 22 year old person who had never been kissed, being a 23 year old virgin, about being a social failure. I believed the amatonormative idea's like what John says to Sherlock ( https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/04/amatonormativity-expectations/ ) and I tried online dating and finally went on a date and had a first kiss, as soon as I healed from my foot surgery. I had this final foot surgery right after I graduated college. I spent a lot of my life on crutches, in casts, if you add up all 3 surgeries, the chronic foot pain after I first broke it is an important part of "my story" so I wanted to jam it in there. Go OTH for having a realistic recovery time and elevating Haley's foot a lot. ;) Not the 5 pillow high like me since it was so painful and needed to be so elevated but... STILL. XD

Blake on Criminal Minds is maybe the only Linguist I've ever seen on TV? Not realistic at all and I think a lot of what they call Forensic Linguistics is just myth and Criminal Minds is a pretty imperfect show but whatever. :P

I also "glossed over" just how important and involved I was in atheist circles, although the fact that I later volunteered for a hotline where people might call in and say "I think I'm an atheist" for 2.5 years maybe gives you some idea. My podcast was about atheism, and I also occasionally organize atheist meetups and regularly attend some atheist and freethinker meetup groups since around mid-2015. I'd like to probably make a full length atheism vid at some point. :P Which is a weird topic but I'd like to try. There's... There's NO good representation that goes far enough at all on TV, but I appreciate Grey's Anatomy a lot for doing what they've done with Jackson, and I'm glad Kurt on Glee was an atheist while being a beloved person who isn't even known for being too scientific or anything. Appreciate less that Grey's Anatomy, in season 14's premiere, seemingly erased Amelia's atheism that was first present on Private Practice (see this vid above)... :P

I withdrew from Chemistry, Semantics 2, and Infectious Human Disease in college. Those left W's on my transcript, which are better than failing. I had to make up the credits by taking summer classes at a different college in order to graduate on time (took French and Biological Athropology classes as my credits instead over two summers). I also "dropped", penalty free, Russian, and Medieval Spanish History. Senior year of high school I was living with my grandmother and lonely and became truly unhealthily addicted to vidding, which I still clearly am now a decade later but I think vidding is a part of my story that didn't make it into the vid (perhaps that would have been too meta?) lol... but I started then, senior year of high school, to get worse grades. My straight-A, I'm naturally smart and will succeed and am a little bit of a perfectionist tendencies were suddenly just flipped and not true really?? XD

Hopefully most of this is fairly self-explanatory. The court stuff could be pretty traumatic so I tried to capture those feelings... I've vidded stuff about my abusive mom before and about Beverly/Scarlett in general, and about Maggie/Abby in both a collab and my first ever personal vid about my mom... I was trying to vid mainly stuff I haven't before in those vids. :) I appreciate for my own sake the variety. And I rushed the ending to squeeze in some of me as a little kid.

I think I still belong with my dad, my whole life is tied together by my great dad. :) But also I just liked that Molly is a young girl and happy and that smile would be a fun way to end the video... :P I wasn't sure when I was editing it that that scene was really about my dad, until I was adding the text on top of the screen.

There is plenty left out but I'm pretty happy with this current result in terms of most of the really significant parts of my life story.

I think this song is about wanting "To let go of the pain I've held so long", to get from the bad to somewhere better. I think I'm pretty close to finding somewhere I belong in my life. I think this summarizes my past pretty well though, it's a little too angsty of a song but the lyrics are honestly HOPEFUL in some ways. It's about, as the bridge says, knowing yourself now that you do this on your own, it's about wounds healing, finding yourself!

Anyway... if you've read the whole description, WOW thank you for being so invested in learning more about my life. :P