#(which is a lie and an excuse bc i just wanna rot after i come back home)

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

[that-weird-fandom-girl]

Prompt List And Who I Will Write For

When requesting a oneshot you can but are not required to choose a prompt off this list (which is one of @marauder-exe‘s prompt lists that im using because i physically cant produce prompts lol) and just tell me what character you want it with (i will list characters and ships that i write for at the end)

Send requests here

Angst 

1. “I love you ! Is that what you wanted to hear ?”

2. “I love him/her, and I know that I shouldn’t.”

3. “Can you just shut your mouth ?” 

4. “wHY DO YOU KEEP LYING TO ME ?” 

5.“We both know that I should walk away, but I can’t.” 

6. “Wait, he/she has a girlfriend/boyfriend ?“

7. “I lo—-” “No, please… Don’t say that. You love her/him, not me.”

8.  "Could you just take this pain away ? It hurts, so much… Help me.”

9. “You’re safe here, I got you.”

10. “Don’t ask her out again, please… You’re killing me, every single time you ask that.” 

11. “Look, he/she wants you, just make him/her happy.”

12. “If you go, I’ll know that you never loved me.” 

13. “We never were just friends, and you know it.” “I know it, but you deserve someone better than me.”

14. “SHE WAS CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!” 

15. “You love me like I’m the person who actually deserves your love.” “But you are the only one who deserves it.”

16. “I know for a fact that you’re not “fine”.” 

17. “You’re looking at me like.. you’re disgusted. What did I do? Just tell me what I did, please!” 

18. “What happened between us?” 

19. “Nothing has changed!” “Yes it has, and you know it.”

20. “Love isn’t supposed to hurt this badly.”

21. “You said you needed space. You were 5,000 miles away for a year, and you’re still unsure. I’m starting to think that an entire universe apart wouldn’t be enough space for you.” 

22.“I remember when he/she/they used to look at me that way” 

23. “I want you to list every lie you ever told me. Then I’ll forgive you.”

24. “I don’t hate you. I hate that after all of this, you’re still trying to lie to me”

25. “I can’t keep this secret for you anymore.”

26.. “I’m sorry I’m not what you signed up for.” 

27.“Why she/her/them? It could have been anybody, and you chose to betray me with her/him/them.” 

28. “This will be the last time you lie to me.” 

29.“You never loved me, did you?” 

30. “You made me miserable and I still loved you.” 

31. “Everytime something goes well, I momentarily forget how much I despise you.”

32. “We’re never going to have a happy ending, just remember that.” 

33. “Don’t pretend like you’re not happy to see me like this.” 

34. “Your mind must be a horrible place.” 

35. “Hand me the gun and I’ll kill him myself.” 

36. “And I thought you loved me.” “ And I thought I loved you.” 

37. “ Aren’t you even going to cry?”

38. “I didn’t expect you to wait forever. I just hoped…”

39. “Did you always know that you were going to leave?” 

40.“If you cry, I’ll stay, and if I stay that will just give you another reason to hate me.”

41. “I’m addicted and at this point I don’t think anything could make me stop.” 

42. ”If you wanna know, then ask.” 

43.“You never asked because you knew I wouldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear.” 

44. “We grew apart, and at this point I’m glad.”

45. “Find somebody else to kiss your ass.”

46. “When are you going to stop clawing for something that’s never going to happen?” 

47. “What you’re doing is going to kill you one day.” 

48. “It was easier to believe that the you I knew was dead than deal with the fact that I still have to see you every day.” 

49. “What you’re doing is going to kill you one day.” 

50. “Why do you have tO BE SUCH A HYPOCRITE ALL THE TIME” (this is my prompt bc the numbers were being weird)

Fluff

 51. “You’re hair is really soft after you wash it.” 

52. “Ssh. Stop fussing. I’m just braiding your hair.” 

53. “You smell really nice.” 54. “Would it be all right if I borrowed your sweater? It smells like you.” 

55. “I might have slept with your robe when you were gone.” 

56. “If you steal the blankets, I am going to put my cold feet on you.” 

57. “Here, let’s share the blanket.”

 58. “You’re comfy.” 

59.“You are very endearing when you are half-asleep.” 

60.“But I want to hear you sing.” 

61.“Don’t get up - I’ll do it.”

 62.“Care to give me a back scratch?”

 63.“I think I love you.”

 64.“Your bed head is really cute.”

 65.“How about a kiss?” 

66.“You made this for me?”

 67.Aw, you’re blushing.” 

68. Uh oh, I know that look. What do you want?” 

69. “Let me help you with that.” 

70. “I don’t want to forget this moment.” 

71.“Are you really flirting with me right now?” 

72.“I like the way your hand fits in mine.”

 73.“You have something in your hair, umm… Do you want me to get it out?” 

74.“It’s nice that your voice was the first thing I heard today.” 

75.“This movie is really scary, but you’re into it so I’m trying not to cover my face the whole time, but- WHAT IS THAT?” 

76.“Wait, don’t pull away… Not yet.” 

77.“Half the time I get too embarrassed to say anything” 

78.“No, it’s fine.  I can wait until you’re done talking to them.” 

79.“No, like…. It’s just, I can’t believe you’re actually wearing my clothes.” 

80.“You’re a big piece of inspiration for this, honestly.”

 81.“I’ve been trying to get ready for like an hour and a half, because I know you’re going to look so good and I need to try and match up.”

 82.“I wanted to say “I love you” for the first time without stuttering, but that failed.” 

83.“My friends get so annoyed by how much I talk about how sometimes.” 

84.“No, mom, don’t tell him/her I said that about him/her!” 

85.“I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater.” 

86.“ You are so beautiful — So fucking beautiful. “

 87.“And just WHERE do you think you’re putting your hands?” 

88.“Wow, you look even better in the daylight.” 

89.“I don’t remember ever having this many hickeys. But I don’t mind.”

 90.“We could order pizza and just stay like this all day.”

 91.“It was always you.” 

92.I love you in every possible way.” 

93.“I didn’t mean to love you so much.”

 94.“Don’t you hurt a single hair on his/her/their head.” 

95.“Duck, you idiot!” 

96.“Hey. Pal. I’ve got a wand and I’m not afraid to use it.” 

97.“Shh, you’re safe. I won’t let you go.” 

98.“It’s not a double date. We’re just third and fourth wheeling.”

 99.“Look, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone.”

 100.“I remember practicing how to ask you out in the mirror..” 

Sarcasm 

 101.“Define normal.” 

 102.“Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?”

 103.“Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.”

 104.“Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.” 

 105.“It’s amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm.” 

106.“I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.”

 107.“And you wonder why you’re still single.” 

108.“Remind me to kill you. Please.” 

 109.“That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”

 110.“She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.” 

 111.“She may seem like lollipops and rainbows but I bet behind close doors she’s latex and whips.” 

112.“If my day gets any worse, I’m asking hell if they’re having an exchange program.”

 113.“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” 

 114.“My middle finger salutes you.”

115.“I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.”

 116.Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.” 

 117.“Oh darling. Go buy a brain.”

 118.“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

 119.“All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.”

 120.“I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.” 

121.“Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.”

 122.“What did I tell you about calling her/him the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?”

 123.“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!” 

124.“I need therapy after this.” 

 125.“You didn’t get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.” 

 126.“I turned out liking you a lot more that I originally planned.” 

 127.“I think you’re weird.” “I think you’re boring.” 

 128.“I’m afraid I’ve been thinking…” “A dangerous pastime.” 

129.“Wow, there’s a big surprise. I think I’m going to have a heart attack and die from surprise.” 

130.“I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make you ancestors dizzy.” 

 131.“Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.” 

 132.“Well, excuse me, psychic wonder!” 

 133.“Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.” 

 134.“She’s hot, but she’s evil.” 

 135.“Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

 136.“I already know that I’m going to hell. At this point it’s really go big or go home.”

 137.“I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.” 

 138.“So stick that in your juice box and suck it.

” 139.“Never take life seriously. No one ever comes out alive anyway.”

 140.“Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.” 

141.“Why should we date?” “Because we are attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.” 

 142.“Neither one us is drunk enough for this conversation.” 

 143.“You’re questioning my methods.” “I’m not questioning it, I’m saying it’s stupid.” 

 144.“Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.” 

 145.“I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.” 

 146.“Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

 147.“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

 148.“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

 149.“Rule number one: don’t bother sucking up. I already hate you, that’s not going to change.” 

 150.“You make no sense to me.” “Welcome to my life.” 

 Drama

 151.“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?” 

152.“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?” 

 153.“Don’t think I forgot about what you did last time.”

 154.“I know you lied to me.” 

155.“I’m not even sorry.” 

156.“You backstabber!” 

 157.“I never want to see you again.”

 158.“You never mattered to me.” 

159.“I knew this was a bad idea.” 

160.“Rot in hell.” 

161.“It was supposed to be a secret!” 1

62.“No one loves me.” 

 163.“He/she/they is/are so petty…” 

164.“You made me cry.” 

 165.“I don’t know who you are anymore.” 

166.“How DARE you?!”

 167.“I know you’re not talking to me…” 

168.“I SAW you with him/her/them!” 

169.“Just leave me alone.” 

170.“What did you do?!” 

171.“I told everyone that I didn’t want to talk but I’m actually dying for attention.”

 172. “Just admit that was extra…”

 173.“I forgive, but I don’t forget.” 

174.“Did you see what he/she/they was/were wearing?”

 175.“So what if I had sex with your ex?” 

176.“There’s something I have to tell you…” 

177.“I can’t do this anymore.” 

178.“You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.” 

179.“I never loved you.” 

180.“It’s too late.” 

181.“Quit ignoring me.” 

182. “Don’t you get it? It’s because I love you!” 

183.“I love you. I’m sorry.”

 184.“I don’t want to be friends.” 

185.“Can we please pretend I never said that?” 

186.“Friendzoned again.”

187.“You should’ve loved me when you had the chance.” 

188.“Fuck you for toying with my emotions like that.” 

189.“I was there for you when no one else was!” 

190.“Alright – I can tell a ‘no’ when I hear it.” 

191.“I’m sorry I acted so creepy.” 

192.“Fuck. It’s like what they say – nice guys finish last…” 

193.“I’m tired of keeping this secret. Even if you don’t love me back.” 

194. “I knew that’d be your answer. That’s why I never told you before.” 

195.“When I said I loved you, I meant it.” 

196.“Is there any part of you, deep down, that might love me back?” 

197.“You were the one that left all those notes for me?” 

198.“You’re in a relationship with another person – you know this can’t end well.” 199.“We agreed this was just physical!”

 200.“I love you. I know you don’t love me, so don’t say it back.” 

Characters/people i write for 

Marvel

Steve rogers 

Clint Barton

Scott Lang

Tony Stark

Sam Wilson 

Thor Odinson 

Loki Laufeyson 

Bucky Barnes 

Peter Quill

Peter Parker

Pietro Maximoff

Bruce Banner 

Stucky (ship)

Criminal Minds

Spencer Reid

Derek Morgan

Aaron Hotchner 

Greys Anatomy 

Alex Karev

Mark Sloan 

Andrew Deluca 

Actors

Matthew Gray Gubler

Chris Evans 

Tom Holland 

Tom Hiddleston 

Johnny Depp 

Jensen Ackles

Sebastian Stan 

Daveed Diggs

Colin O’Donoughue 

Once Upon A Time

Killian Jones 

Jefferson 

Harry Potter

Fred Weasley 

Sirius Black 

Remus Lupin 

Draco Malfoy 

James Potter

 wolfstar (ship)

Miscellaneous

Steven Hyde (That 70s Show) 

Jack Sparrow (Pirates Of The Caribbean)

Dean Winchester (Supernatural)