#(when i make a bingo card for reading this book that's definitely gonna be a square)

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

Whomst?

I've read the book three times now, but I'm never prepared for the Buffalo Bill cameo.

His appearance is abrupt:

It was up at the Wee Fleet that Buffalo Bill stuck that night in 1904. His show was touring Britain in a train of American-type stock. With it the G.&.S.W. took great pains. Two 0-6-0 engines from Ayr shed, 316 and 318, were provided, with two good men, Tom Barry on the first one and Andrew Watt on the second. These stayed with the train during its tour of Ayrshire. For the extra heavy grades south of Girvan, No. 9 from that shed, one of Smellie's 0-6-0's rebuilt with domed boiler, was turned out, and two Girvan stalwarts, Driver John McKnight and Fireman Andrew Bowman, banked them through to New Luce. The Ayr engines turned home from Stranraer. The next move was to Dumfries. The Caledonian, very scornful of those puny Sou'West engines, sent down one of their 0-8-0s from Motherwell shed, with a Motherwell driver. Andrew McKenzie of Stranraer acted as conductor. Now they were repairing the Wee Fleet viaduct at the time, and a man was stationed there to give a caution signal to all trains, as the gradient falls steeply to the viaduct in both directions. Evidently the sight of Buffalo Bill bearing down on him in the darkness was too much for the watchman's nerves, for instead of giving them a green lamp he gave a red, and stopped the procession on the viaduct. So they only got half-way up the succeeding 1 in 76 when they stuck, and had to divide their train, taking it up to Loch Skerrow in two portions. If Buffalo Bill could have seen the country in which he stuck he might well have imagined himself back in the Black Hills of Dakota.

Citation needed, Davie. Citation needed.

- Tales of the Glasgow and South Western (David L. Smith)

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

05/02/2024 Daily OFMD Recap

TLDR; Cast & Crew Sightings; Taika Waititi; Claudia O'Doherty; Dominic Burgess; Eliza Cossio; Erroll Shand; Watch Party Reminders; Fan Spotlight: Cast Cards; OFMD Colouring Pages; Stede & Ed (Calvin & Hobbes); MerMay Prompts/submissions; Love Notes; Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika;

= Cast & Crew Sightings =

= Taika Waititi =

Taika is in NYC with Rita for more TypeBea launches! Additionally, the Met Gala happens to be on May 6th, will they be showing up again this year?

Img Src: Rita Ora's IG Storys

Img Srcs: DailyMail

= Claudia O'Doherty =

Our dear Mary, Claudia O'Doherty has peeked her head out again! This time with cooking suggestions and a podcast! Check her out on the latest episode of @douboyspodcast. Listen here

= Erroll Shand =

Just Erroll in a priests outfit with the song "Reflections" by Diana Ross & The Supremes.

Img Src: Erroll's IG Story

= Dominic Burgess =

Dominic got to slay on Palm Royale this week! Check out that suit! Bonus --Once again, I am a sucker for cat content, any cast member that shows their pets I'm posting it. Check out these adorable babies of our dear Jeffrey Fetterling.

Img Src: Dominic Burgess' Twitter

== Eliza Cossio ==

One of our dear writers, Eliza Cossio just so happens to have co-written a spin off of Felicity called "Felicity In Space". It's available on her Instagram here: tinyurl.com/FELICITYINSPACE

Img Src: Eliza's IG

== Watch Party Reminders ==

Palm Royale picks back up May 9 via @LCWebsXOXO with the lovely @/dominicburgess approx. 4pm EDT/9pm BST/1pm PST!

= Wrecked =

Last 2 episodes of Season 1 is on the docket for tomorrow! Don't have access? Reach out to me on @gentlebeardsbarngrill on tumblr, or @aspirantabby42 on twitter.

Days: Apr 29 - May 3

Times: 3:30 pm PT / 6:30 pm ET / 11:30 pm BST

== Fan Spotlight ==

= Cast Cards =

Tonight is non other than Josie Whittlesey, aka Hellkat Maggie, and the reason we have OFMD in the first place! Thank you so much @melvisik for spotlighting her!

Img Src: @melvisik's Twitter

= OFMD Colouring Pages =

More colouring pages by @patchworkpiratebear! And it fits with the MerMay Theme! I would love to print out a whole books worth of these once they're done!

Img Src: @patchworkpiratebear's Tumblr

= Stede & Ed (Calvin & Hobbes) =

A new fan spotlight tonight features our very own darling @blakbonnet! She's been making these awesome Calvin/Hobbes redraws with Stede and Ed for a while now, and she was kind enough to let me share them with you in the recaps! If you haven't seen them already, please check them out on her blog! Theres's so many to catch up on so we'll be seeing more each day for a bit!

Src: @blakbonnet's Tumblr

== Mer May Prompts ==

There's prompts going on every day from the @saveofmdcrewmates and @bizarrelittlemew's MerMay Bingo and it's taking me a bit to get permission to share, but I'll share when if/when I can! A few of our crewmates are going strong with the themes!

= Spanish Jackiez =

Our talented @erostheartist had this submission for Mermay Day 1. I love the idea of The Swede as a merman <3 Visit them on their blog for more artwork!

= Plunder =

Today's SaveOFMD MerMay Day 2 prompt was "Plunder" -- and as always, @blueberreads never ceases to amaze with the awesome pixel art they make! The very important plant booty even makes an appearance-- and that tailcoat swoosh! I love it! For more pixel art awesomeness, please follow them on their blog!

In addition, @erostheartist had some gorgeous ideas on Plunder with Izzy Hands and jewelry, check out their post here to learn more about this piece.

== Love Notes ==

Hey lovelies! It's finally Friday tomorrow! I hope you all are finally going to get some rest and relaxation this weekend. We could all use some! I'm gonna go into a bit of a heavier topic tonight, so if you don't have the spoons please don't worry about reading it right now (or ever). I've noticed a big rift going on in the fandom. Whether its on twitter, or tumblr, there's definitely a lot of contention between various groups of fans. I'm sorry if that's stressing you out-- I know it can be really hard to see that kind of thing, especially when we put the time and effort into putting ourselves out there and trying to find a safe space ship we can belong to. Obviously I can't speak to the entire fandom, but the way I've been trying to process what's going on is I think we're running into some Post Cancellation-Fatigue/Aggression. When we were getting regular content from the show, or we were fighting to get the show back more, even if there were some differences between parts of the fandom, it still felt at least somewhat cohesive with some random outliers. That mutual fight for the show isn't as strong now, and the only content we get is BTS from Samba or some of the other lovely crewmembers, and I think it's starting to weigh pretty heavily on people. Sure, there's always been some contention, but a lot of folks have expressed that it's felt a lot stronger the last few days and I have to agree. Have you ever seen those cat videos where there are three cats -- two are focused on one another, and then another cat sneaks up from behind and scares one of them, and then the startled cat starts fighting the other one that wasn't involved? That's what your behavioural specialists would call "misplaced aggression". Same with if your two cats are fighting, and then you try to interrupt, and they scratch you--it's not caused by you but that aggression gets directed at you. That's kinda how it's feeling right now. There's something bugging all of us on some level (and its not all the same thing) and that's translating into frustration, and being modern times we can express those frustrations online-- and maybe not worded in the best way, and suddenly we've got this huge blow up of contention between groups. Now, I may be misreading it, but I've seen this happen in a few other fandoms post cancellations, and it feels similar.

How do we navigate that kind of change? Well, it's not easy. Fandoms are supposed to be fun. They're supposed to be a relief from stress and help us escape the crazy shit going on in this world.

You're allowed to want to just relax and have fun. You're allowed to love your blorbos, and your pairings, whether they follow canon or not ( just like anything in life, don't force them on others if they don't want them). You're allowed to have fun and learn new things and enjoy all of the wonderful things that happen in the show, as well as how many positive things have happened from it's existence.

That being said, you don't owe anyone your energy and mental health-- so if you're not feeling great about a particular group, or chat, or server, or whatever you're in, remember to be kind to yourself and prioritise your happiness. There's a reason there are block buttons on most social media-- not everyone gets along, and you shouldn't have to sacrifice your peace for the sake of other people's frustrations.

There are going to be groups that feel extremely strong one way or the other, and they're going to want you to pick a side. If you find that you identify more with one side, and you feel comfortable and accepted with them, then by all means, find your new safe space ship! If you don't want to pick a side, if you just want to love your blorbos and listen to all the different fun meta going on-- that's okay too! Look for people who share that same ideal-- and aren't as worried about one way or the other.

Hell, if you're enjoying the hell out of all the crazyness going on-- then that's fine too you bringer of chaos, you do you <3. I will repeat this lovelies-- this is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be an escape, not an added stressor.

Do you need a few days away from the internet? Go nuts! Go outside, lay in the grass, drink your favorite drink and eat your favorite snack. The internet will be here when you get back. This show that brought us all together is about love, kindness, acceptance, learning, growing, making mistakes, forgiveness, support from our friends and family, redemption, and breaking the paradigms that society wants so badly to hold us down with. Those are the things we need to remember and cherish. This show taught us that there are very few situations that are irredeemable with effort, if people are willing to try. It taught us that where we are now doesn't have to be where are in a day, or a month, or a year, or 10 years and nothing is set in stone. We can change our own circumstances if we need to. It's perfectly reasonable to be upset that our safe space ship is having some troubles right now, and I feel it just like everyone else, so I get it. But-- just like the show tells us, nothing stays the same forever, and things can get better. Things can mend. Fandoms can mend, friendships can mend, relationships can mend. Or they can be severed and allow for those involved to move on. Whatever YOU need to do for your peace is okay and valid (we just ask that its not purposefully causing harm to others). You're allowed to prioritise yourself and your happiness.

If you need to talk, or vent, reach out to like-minded crewmates (you're welcome to message me but I may be slow due to work stuff, but I'm happy to listen and talk when I can!)

No matter where you are, no matter how you're feeling, you are loved.

You are doing your best, and you will get through these harder times. Remember to be kind if you can, and give yourself grace too.

Sleep well lovelies, I hope tomorrow is easier for you <3

== Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika ==

Tonight's theme is "silly", because we all need a little sillyness in our lives.

Gifs courtesy of the stupendous @ofmd-ann and marvelous @darkinerry <3

[whatisalifeihaveablog]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...

Ooh I don't mind at all but also this is a very hard question 🤣 I'll make a caveat that this top 10 is not necessarily in order and is subject to change but I love any opportunity to talk about my faves <3. Think of it as list of characters that I love more than a proper top 10

Yuki Sohma (Fruits Basket) - Gotta start with the guy that's been my icon on here for several years now. I read the Fruits Basket manga when I was in 7th grade and I resonated so hard with Yuki's internal struggles. I've always said our life circumstances are very different but our anxieties and personal difficulties are so similar and I had never encountered a character I related to so hard before so I latched on and have not let go to this day

Shigeo Kageyama (Mob Psycho 100) - I'm currently rewatching this series and keep thinking about how if it had come out when I was younger I would have probably latched on to Mob just as much as I did Yuki for how relatable he can be lmao. As an adult I watch it and really root for this kid and feel genuinely proud in every moment of growth he experiences.

Yusuke Urameshi (Yu Yu Hakusho) - A character I was younger than the first time I watched the anime and am currently significantly older than and he has become my anime son. I adore this boy in all of his asshole tough guy posturing and his wit and genuine care for his friends and determination and just all of it. I also want to wrap him in a blanket and give him some delicious hot soup.

Lelouch Lamperouge (Code Geass) - One thing about me is if a character is pretty and cunning and deadly intelligent and morally grey, they are likely going to be a favorite and Lelouch was an early example of this for me. Code Geass is one of my favorite animes I've ever watched and watching Lelouch scheme and generally be him is so damn delightful every time. He's a character I feel like I could write an entire dissertation on, I honestly could with any of these characters, but I am trying to avoid that for the sake of the length of this post lmao

Wei Wuxian (Mdzs/The Untamed) - How did it take me this long to talk about mdzs? Wei Wuxian is absolutely amazing to watch or read about in every single scene. Complicated and brilliant and cocky and so very tragic. He's another one who hits a LOT of points on the "Who is gonna be Sarah's next favorite character" bingo card. I've scarcely cried for a character as much as I've cried for Wei Wuxian, he is so dear to my heart.

Chuuya Nakahara (Bungo Stray Dogs) - What can I say? I love an angry boy. I'll be honest, a lot of my initial love for Chuuya was aesthetics. His hair and outfit alone had me primed to love him from the start but then he came in with that cocky/angry attitude and honestly fucking sick power and that solidified it lmao. And then the more I learned about him beyond the aesthetics and immediate impressions the more I loved him.

Jiang Cheng (Mdzs/The Untamed) - Definitely gotta mention my favorite angry boy of all my angry boys <3. This man has so many flaws and I honestly do get why it's hard for some people to like him but man I love him so much. His temper, to me, is just another side of his passion which also extends into his ambition and love and he rebuilt his clan from nothing and I'm definitely a person who even when it comes to his more "wrong" decisions/actions I think they're more understandable than the people who hate him say. I feel a strong need to defend him a lot of the time

Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) - Nothing but respect for my pirate king!!!! Luffy is such a fun character. Like truly one of my favorite shonen protags of all time and that mostly comes down to how hard he makes me smile while reading just constantly. Everything he says and everything he does is so wildly entertaining while also being so earnest and honest and simultaneously laid back. The way he loves his crew and puts everything he has into being their captain. I love him so much lol

Wen Kexing (Word of Honor) - Pretty, cunning, morally grey, do I need to say more? His totally shameless attitude in the beginning was so funny all the time and then the deeper we got into his character the more he went from being the most entertaining person on screen to, well still that, but also a character I feel so many emotions for all the time.

Alphonse Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist) - Now here's some top tier anime son material. My love for Al has only ever grown with the years and subsequent rewatches of this series. I. Love. This. Boy. He has seen and been through too much and is still so good and loving and steadfast in his goals and values. Literally couldn't find a better boy. 10/10

[bittydragon]

Surprise Ore

Notes: I have decided to partake in the bingo event by @aslitheryprinx and here is my submission! I may do more in the future, so this may just be my first one! I have written for the letter O with the prompt Ore. I hope y’all enjoy! It’s my favorite boys!

Bad whistled to himself as he twirled his pickaxe in his hand, searching for resources in the mines. He and his friends had recently found an abandoned mineshaft deep underground and once they realized it was deep enough to find precious ores such as diamonds, they all hastily packed up their mining supplies and went underground.

They all ended up splitting up to cover the most ground and to quickly clear out the mineshaft of any precious materials. Dream and Sapnap had taken the northern pathways and Bad and George took the southern pathways. It was the fastest way to clear the area out, so they didn’t mind. Plus, all four could take care of themselves so it wasn’t a big deal.

Bad squinted as he thought he saw a strange object in front of him and lit a torch. He was elated to find a minecart with a chest inside of it. Opening the chest, Bad was pleased to find an enchanted book, an emerald, some extra iron, and two golden apples. The rest were unlaid tracks that the group had no need for, so Bad let it be and stored the treasures in his inventory.

He continued to twirl his pickaxe around, whistling his small tune to himself, until he came upon a small vein of diamond ore. He grinned and quickly got to work, mining the ores until each one popped out a small diamond. Five diamonds in total, not a bad vein!

He carefully set the diamonds into his inventory and was about to continue his search for more ores and treasures when his eyes landed on another diamond ore, just a few steps away. He grinned, his tail thrashing excitedly behind him.

This must be his lucky day to find two veins so close to one another! The others were going to be so jealous of his haul. He noticed with only slight confusion that this piece of diamond ore looked slightly different than normal, but Bad brushed it off as a trick of the light. There was lava nearby and Bad hadn’t placed a torch recently, opting to use the calm glow of the lava instead, so it could just be the lighter lighting in the area.

With that thought in mind, he brought his pickaxe down onto the ore. In just a few swings the ore shattered, revealing it’s shiny treasure. Bad was a tad disappointed that no more ores were hidden behind it, but his disappointment was quickly covered with confusion as he glanced at what he just unearthed.

Instead of a small diamond in the newly carved out hole, there laid a small creature barely bigger than Bad’s hand. It’s skin seemed to be covered in the familiar precious gem and it was curled around itself almost like it was trying to hide.

Bad quietly slipped his pickaxe into his inventory and knelt down to investigate the creature. Carefully, he reached out and scooped it up, wincing at how cold the diamond skin felt against his hand. He stood back up at full height and examined the creature in his hand.

They seemed to be asleep for the time being, their little eyes shut tightly as they repositioned themselves to be more comfortable in the hand. Bad couldn’t help but awe as the little creature snuggled into his fingers like they were craving the warmth he gave off. 

The sudden rattling of bones nearby startled Bad out of his trance. He protectively curled his fingers around the little diamond creature and held them closer to his chest. Right, he was still in an abandoned mineshaft and those were normally littered with monsters. He wasn’t supposed to head back home for a few hours still, how was he supposed to protect himself and this little creature? He destroyed the ore they were sleeping in, so he had no safe place to set them.

After a few moments of thought Bad sighed. He only thought of one good place to put them, hopefully they would be okay if they woke up. He opened up his inventory and settled the creature inside of one of the little cubes, sighing in relief when the creature went in with ease.

They barely even stirred as Bad settled them inside and closed his inventory. It was only a few more hours and he could get home. Hopefully everything went well.

He pulled out his sword and shield and prepared to face the skeleton that was slowly approaching, it’s bow already drawn.

---

Skeppy yawned before cracking his eyes open, expecting to see the familiar stone of the cave he was abandoned in. His eyes shot open in surprise as he was met with completely white surroundings.

Did he die? Did some monster find him in his sleep?

He shakily stood up and tried to explore, but only made it a step before he ran into a wall. It only took a few seconds for him to realize he was stuck inside of a strange white box. It was cold and reminded him of the stone he always slept on, but it was most definitely not.

He pressed his face against one of the walls, trying to see if he could get a glimpse of outside his new box. He didn’t mind the box as he was used to small spaces, but he wanted to see if there was anything to explore if he ever got out.

Sure enough, when he pressed his face against the wall he could see the vague shape of something else next to him. It looked like one of those golden apples he’s seen in the chests littered around the mineshaft. As he looked around through the other walls, he noticed different objects in every direction. 

Where in the world could he possibly be then?

If only the world answered his question. Instead, nothing changed and he was left in the blank white cube. He slid down the wall until he was sitting on the ground with a huff.

Maybe he would get answers eventually. As long as he was patient.

…

Oh god that better not be too long.

Thankfully, it seemed like only an hour had passed before something finally changed. Skeppy yelped as suddenly real light flooded into his box and the ceiling disappeared. Now he could see what looked to be wood in a few different colors above him.

He stood up in awe and tried looking further out of the box, completely oblivious to the much larger beings watching him with similar feelings of awe.

“They’re so small… you said you found them while mining a piece of diamond ore?”

“Mhm! They were sleeping and I didn’t want to take them, but I couldn’t leave the little guy alone with the monsters!”

“Smart idea. They probably would’ve been killed without their ore surrounding them. Though maybe you should take them out of your inventory now?”

“Oh yeah! Good thinking Sap!”

Skeppy didn’t notice anything was wrong until large clawed fingers wrapped around him and lifted him into the air. Oh. Oh. He was caught by giants.

Skeppy immediately began thrashing around, frantically trying to escape the grasp of whatever giant creature had grabbed him. His struggles were futile as another clawed hand came up from under him and gently eased him into a sitting position on the hand.

He wanted to struggle as he was brought upwards but couldn’t bring himself to continue struggling as he relaxed into the warmth the hand gave out. Why was this person’s hand so warm?

He nervously grabbed onto a finger and winced as they chuckled. Skeppy risked a glance upwards to see the person who grabbed him and gasped in shock.

“Holy shit…” They were terrifying. They looked like a literal demon. Their face was hidden under the shadows of their hood and all Skeppy could see were their brightly glowing eyes and horns jutting out from under the hood.

“Language!” But they seemed harmless, especially if they were gonna tell him off for the fact that he cursed. He let out a shaky sigh, if he played his cards right maybe he won’t die today.

As he studied the demon’s face, he quickly realized the demon was studying him right back. If their wide eyes were anything to go off of they were surprised that he could speak to begin with. As much as Skeppy wanted to feel offended by that fact, he also knew that most creatures smaller than a human, or demon, were non sentient and could barely even form a thought other than survive or kill.

Skeppy flinched back as a clawed finger wormed its way under his chin and lifted his head up just a tad more. He quickly reached up with his own hands and grabbed the finger. It didn’t hurt but if the finger tried to suddenly snap his neck he was ready to provide some sort of resistance.

His fears seemed to be unneeded though, as proved by the high pitched “awwwwww” that followed as soon as he grabbed the finger. His eyes widened as he heard a few different voices awe at the sight as well.

He whipped his gaze around and found there were three, three, other giant beings here. He paled at the sight and tried hiding in the clawed hands that currently held him. At least he was fairly certain the demon wasn’t going to hurt him. 

The masked human was most definitely the scariest, Skeppy couldn’t read any of their expressions and could only see the crudely painted smiley face. He did not like that.

The other two he could thankfully deduce were humans, but it surprisingly didn’t mean anything to Skeppy at the moment. This demon still seemed like a far better choice.

Skeppy was thankful when the demon’s fingers curled around his form and hid him from the others’ sights. He was extremely glad that they seemed to realize he was uncomfortable, even more reason for Skeppy to trust them.

He heard the demon talking to the others but couldn’t make out the words. All he was focused on was how warm and comfortable the hands were and how happy he was that these hands were the ones protecting him. 

The diamond sighed and got comfortable against the fingers. Maybe once they were all done talking they could do some proper introductions. Until then, Skeppy was just going to wait their conversation out.

[eyessharpweaponshot]

hi there!! are there any fics you’re reading right now that you would recommend? i need something good after the season we’ve been given so far 😣

hello there!

I agree, this season has been disappointing - especially considering it’s the last one. but thankfully, our fandom is full of amazing writers that serve us goods regularly. I have so much to recommend, it’s a joke. so prepare for a long fic rec. In no particular order, let’s begin:

1. Chasin’ You - @burninghoneyatdusk

okay. you’re gonna see a bit of a theme with me in these fic recs because the authors I mention are some of my favourites in the world - sam being one of the TOP TIER ones. this fic is a modern au, written about clarke and bellamy as exes (a favourite trope of mine) that have went their separate ways. clarke has moved away and hasn’t kept tabs on bellamy but he's soared to the top as a country star, his hit single being about her and what they had. if there’s any fic from this list you need to start reading, it’s this one.

2. Voices in the Water - @burninghoneyatdusk

It’s the canon version we all wanted. set on earth, clarke’s aunt (nia) forces her into an arranged marriage with king bellamy to unite the clans. but under it all, nia has tasked her to kill him. obviously, as clarke falls in love with bellamy, it’s the one task wanheda probably can’t complete. I'm in love with the imagery and descriptions in this fic. there are honestly some lines that sam writes that I want to frame and put up in my house. absolute brilliance.

3. All Because of You - @burninghoneyatdusk

*sheepishly raises hand* - hi, it’s me again, fangirling over another one of sam’s fics. if you have followed me for a while, either here or on twitter, you’ll have seen me screaming about this fic. I've pulled over while driving to read an update that came through to my email. no lie. I don’t say this lightly but it is definitely in my top 3 favourite bellarke fics of all time. sam DELIVERS with this one. bellamy knocks up his sister’s best friend when they’re both young and they grow together in raising their daughter. this fic flashes between present and future in the most seamless way and we see how in love they were back then but too scared to admit it, combined with how in love they are now that they are mature and older - but yet can’t seem to take the leap. I can’t tell you enough how good this fic is. I'm in love and it’s one of those fics that I would happily have as a book on my bookshelf, the pages worn and falling out from the amount of times that I re-read it.

*I just want to note that sam is doing a fantastic job at running @bellarkefic-for-blm. This is an opportunity for the bellarke community to directly support the Black Lives Matter cause through reading and writing fanfiction. For every fanfiction prompt a participating writer receives, they ask that you donate to an organization that supports the BLM cause. This initiative includes non-bellarke the 100 ships and requests for other content (e.g. gif sets, icons, moodboards, fanart). please check them out and request a prompt (this also includes updates for the above mentioned fics)*

4. Count Your Teeth - @icantloseyou-too

let me tell you, you guys will be well fed after reading this fic. It’s one of the most original idea’s and we get so much bellarke and the blake siblings in this one. bellamy is a treasure hunter and married to clarke, after leaving his thieving days behind him. that is until his past comes knocking and drags him back into that world again - and clarke along with him. absolute chefs kiss!

5. Cups and Sorcerers - @icantloseyou-too

again, such a unique plot with just the right amount of fluff. clarke is a witch who owns a coffee shop and she ends up meeting someone just as unique as her. I’m invested in this to an embarrassing degree and it always puts me in a good mood when this fic is updated. such a light and heart filling read and ciara does a fantastic job of world building in this fic.

6. Paint me in Trust - @pawprinterfanfic

I'm sure this fic needs no introduction. everyone and their mother has heard of it and if you haven’t read it yet, believe me, you’re missing out. a harry potter au that runs alongside the last few movies without being involved with the main characters. essie manages to make an already existing world so different, thrilling and gripping. it emotionally upends you and takes you along for the ride without any intention of letting you off. I'm just in love with it and rightly so!

7. When the Wolves Come Home - @pawprinterfanfic

I don’t know how people aren’t RAVING about this fic more because I certainly am. it’s massive for me to even say this because I love all of essie’s work but it’s my favourite fic that she’s written. I can’t describe the feeling I get when I read how she’s written bellarke in this. it’s a percy jackson au but you don’t need to have knowledge of that world to enjoy this. I actually started reading the books because of this fic. essie writes it so well and incorporates a lot of fantastic elements from greek mythology while also keeping me on the edge of my seat with bellarke’s journey. HERE FOR IT ALL THE WAY.

8. I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun - @cominguproses13x

I’ve never seen a fic talked about as much as this one. with 60 chapters, it’s bound to satisfy any hunger you have for bellarke. it’s set in a post apocalyptic world and it is beyond a shadow of a doubt, my favourite setting to read bellarke in. I've actually stopped reading this fic on chapter 5 because im currently writing my own post apocalyptic au as it was a trope on my bingo card and I don’t want any subconscious spill over, but I fully intend on reading the rest of the fic in one go once my fic is published and done. it deserves all the praise and hype.

9. For Blue Skies - @kombellarke

kayla’s fics make me actually weep. her writing style is just unbelievable and she sucks me into stories so fast. this one is no different. I live and breathe for bellarke as exes and this fic is one of my favourites. it’s a modern au with clarke as a mother and she cascades back into bellamy’s life without warning. perfect angst and anticipation. in love.

10. Love Like Fools - @talistheintrovert

the way I love talis with my whole heart. I'm always obsessed with her fics and the way this one was written was just magnificent. enemies to friends to lovers, roommates, angst, emotional comforting? SIGN ME UP. the perfect mix of all of those and I felt so good after reading this. always a fan.

11. It Had To Be You - @useyourtelescope

I had the honour of pre-reading some of this fic before it was published and I felt so privileged. a regency au with a prank war sprinkled in? perfection. hana honestly writes this so beautifully and I can’t recommend this enough. it’s so unique and we are all so incredibly lucky that there’s something in the bellarke fic world for everyone.

12. Veni, Vidi, Vinci - @carrieeve

Again, proof of the pudding that there’s something in fic for everyone. I’ve never read one like this before and it THRILLED me. murphy and bellamy working together to steal a Vinci? it was the fic I never knew I needed. the bellarke interaction in this was beautifully written and I am just completely obsessed. we really struck gold with the bellarke big bang works this year.

13. A Twist of Fate - @queenemori

let’s be honest, soulmate au’s are always wanted and needed in this fandom and kara does an excellent job of serving us this one. we got some team cockroach in here along with some top tier quality bellarke. what more could you ask for? if you haven’t read this fic yet, you need to. so thankful for kara being the absolute gifted babe that she is.

14. Power Over Me - @sparklyfairymira

okay, if you recently watched the witcher on netflix like I did, believe me, you NEED to read this fic. if you haven’t watched the witcher, this fic will make you want to watch it. the smut in this, the plot, the WRITING. absolutely phenomenal. have I mentioned how lucky we are to have such fantastic writers in this fandom?

15. There’s a Serpent Lying Deep Down in These Still Waters - @shaeheda

post apocalyptic au? SIGN ME UP. bellarke thrown together in unkind circumstances? SIGN ME UP. this magnificent human writing a fic? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. I'm so in love with this fic already and I haven’t even finished it yet. as I've said, I've stopped reading fics in this genre until my own is completed but I’ve read enough to tell you that this needs to be on your next to read list. forever in awe of the talent here and this fic makes me feel so lucky to be part of something so great.

I hope this satisfies you for a while and that you enjoy all the bellarkey goodness that comes from these fics. I'm gonna drop some of mine below because why not? just in case you’re in need of something more.

1. I Found Peace in Your Violence

clarke griffin has it all. she’s popular, an artistic prodigy and has a wealthy family to boot. so when her perfect world comes crashing down around her, it’s time to sink or swim. she tests positive for the Homicidal Tendency Syndrome gene, also known as the kill gene. clarke is plucked from her comfortable life and placed into a school with people just like her - carriers, delinquents. when she meets bellamy blake there, he looks like everything they say HTS carriers are. a monster, a criminal. yet, he’s the one who protects her.

2. I Am Lost This Time

a void!bellamy fic that we all deserved to have happen in canon. an au where bellamy hears clarke’s radio calls from earth, sees her memories in m-cap and where she really is the key: the one that unlocks his memories and brings him back to her.

3. Purple, Blue, Orange, Red

bellarke are childhood friends and teenage lovers, reuniting in the midst of the same grief that tore them apart.

4. Devil Side

post apocalyptic setting and my favourite fic to have ever written. both of them coming together to survive and protect those in their family, including two small children. bellarke started out as strangers, who would have thought that they’d end up co-parenting in the middle of a world that is too dangerous to survive out in the open?

5. Waste It on Me

a soulmate/reincarnation au that I wrote based off my own breakup and feelings. probably my most popular fic and should keep you going in terms of bellarke feels.

[taliaquinn]

Why Me!? Chapter 20

Authors Note:                                                                                                So hey guys!! A lot of you figured out my mini-Easter egg when I mentioned New York City. Kudos to you smarties. Let me tell you my tag list is open, because I adore you guys a lot.

“So where's Dick and Cass?” Marinette asked wondering where Dick disappeared off to. He was SUPPOSED to be there on the plane with them. However, once they arrived at the airfield Dick was nowhere to be found. 

Flinching Tim looked up from the business files in his hands. 

Hey while he was gonna be in New York City he may as well look into future business partners and get some more jobs in Gotham. 

“Well uh, Dick he uh decided to stay..home because….” side-eyeing Jason he quickly elbowed him.

Startled while reading his book he took a quick second to decide on a good cover story “because…his ribs still hurt and you know what Bruce is like all overprotective and stuff…so shes babysitting him....” Ugh Tim and Him were going to have to practice on coming up with good cover stories. The whole Keeping the family secret from the family was getting really annoying.

“That sucks, this is my first trip to New York City,” Oblivious to the awful cover stories Marinette continued sketching. She did plan for her class to have a field trip to New York City to tour around. But all those plans went down the drain once she left. Oh well, there loss.  “I'm even going to meet up with my friend Chloe at the hotel!!!” Marinette said excitedly. Chloe sent her an email a day ago about her vacation plans, (her revenge plans too). Marinette was over the moon when she found out that she was going to be there for the Stark Gala too!!!!

Mr.Wayne, her dad, even extended the trip a few days and got her a room, aka suite so Chloe could stay with Marinette more. 

Chloe of course was curious as to who exactly these relatives were. I mean come on they booked a suite at a five-star hotel, in New York City, for Marinette and a Friend.

 Marinette promised to explain everything to her when they were together. 

“She's….the Mayor's daughter right???” Jason asked, trying to change the topic.

Unbeknownst to Marinette, Jason and Dick, before Bruce and Dick fought anyways, convinced Bruce to get Marinette her own suite, so she could do the babysitting job without distractions. It was pretty easy to guilt-trip Bruce once they pulled the “Daughter who you never knew about” card. Guilt-tripping works.

At Marinette's excited nod he added “She’s frikin loaded right?”

“Jason, you realize we’re on a private jet, on our way to New York City, to stay in a five star hotel, to attend the Stark Gala?” Tim teased, flipping through business papers. Bleugh Lex Corp that's a definite pass on that business offer.

“ Yeah right, you guys are attending the Gala” Jason rebutted “I have my own stuff to do Timmers”.  

“Stuff” meaning a top-secret joint mission with Captain Rogers and Black Widow. Working together to take down a drug trafficking ring located in the heart of the city. Working with the Avengers every now and then exhilarating for Jason. Sure the Avengers worked more closely with the Government but they didn't have a universal; “No-Kill” rule.

Which was why Bruce hated joint-missions with the Avengers.

Extra icing on the cake for Jason.

“Excuses” Tim mumbled, upset that Bruce was forcing him to sit the mission out. Something about him being “overworked” pfft. He wasn't drinking coffee that much.

“Speaking of the gala, Marinette you have your dress ready?” He asked. Knowing that Marinette decided to make her own dress for the gala. 

“Yep finished the detailing last night, and have my jewelry and shoes ready,'' Marinette said, patting her suitcase. Mr.Wayne was nice enough to buy her a bunch of fabric and also gifted her a necklace and bracelet to match. He also gave her earrings but she opted out of them since she learned her lesson about taking off her Miraculous. Thank you very much.

“What's with the armbands?” Jason asked, seeing Marinette pack them earlier. He assumed they had something to do with her “babysitting” job. 

“Oh they were Alexei’s, they match with that I'm wearing”

“Your biological mom?”

“Yep, gotta ask Mr. Wayne more about her, I was only barely able to pry so much from my mom” Her mom would get too emotional sometimes when Marinette asked too many questions.  Eventually, she just gave up asking.

“Ha Mr. Wayne, you do know that annoys Bruce to no end right?” Tim joked, seeing Bruce's face of frustration every time Marinette refers to him as Mr. Wayne.

“I do, it's just…” she was still struggling with her Biological parents and having a bunch of siblings suddenly “Too awkward for me to call him anything else”

“Jesus you sound like Peter” he scoffed. 

“Who's Peter?” She asked with a slight scrunch of her eyes. That oddly reminded both Tim and Jason about Bruce. Bruce would scrunch his eyes whenever asking a question sometimes.

“Oh trust me you'll meet him soon” Jason answered going back to his book.

Dick was right the whole Wayne vs. Stark rivalry would be a perfect distraction. Oh if only Tim had his Camera.

......……

They finally landed, and soon Bruce was helping everyone off and into a car and heading towards their hotel. Once at their hotel, Bruce checked their bags in. Jason stayed behind to “rest” while everyone went to Stark Tower.

“Wait so Tony Stark is the one who is Throwing the Gala?” Marinette asked curiously inside the car.

 “Yep he’s throwing the gala to raise funds for hospitals and clinics all located around the world” Rolling his eyes Tim continued “Well that's the official reason anyway, right now he wants to out-do Bruce's Charity Gala from a few months ago” 

“As if that will ever happen” Bruce added. Ha, Stark wished he could outmatch his Galas.

“Talk about rich people's problems” she sighed.

“You're not wrong, One more thing, watch out Tony might try to take you as his own”

“What!?” Marinette squeaked out

Soon they arrived and made their way towards the suites. The elevators swished open to a smiling Pepper Potts and pouting Tony Stark.

“Pep, you see this? Bruce managed to get another one, you know what's the score now? 7-4” Tony complained once he saw Marinette. Bruce only glared back.

Ignoring them Tim stepped off and made a beeline towards Pepper and hugged her careful to squeeze her too tight

“Congratulations Pepper,” Tim said.

“Oh Thank you, Tim. It's great to see you after so long” Pepper said, hugging him back. She glanced around and noticed that a certain Red Hood was missing

“Where's Jason?” she asked frowning

“Unfortunately he stayed behind at the hotel to rest” he answered rolling his eyes. “But I brought someone better,” he said, reaching and pulling a startled Marinette forward.

“Meet Marinette Dupain Cheng,”

“Eeeep, uh Hi, I'm uh Mari-Marinette, but youalreadyknewthat, uh Hi” Marinette stuttered out. 

Completely starstruck at meeting The Pepper Potts. CEO of Stark Industries and Style Icon. Oh god, she wished she brought her sketchbook. Maybe she can do a quick sketch on a napkin

Pepper couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the Stuttering French girl, reminded of another awkward teenager. Hopefully, Tony doesn't try and claim this one. She was pretty sure that Bruce wouldn’t appreciate that at all, judging by the way Bruce was eyeing Tony.

“Brucie dear you adopted another one!?’ Tony teased Bruce swinging his arm around his shoulder

“She's my daughter Stark,” Bruce responded, glaring at Stark  “also what are you pouting about?  I hear you're going to have a baby soon congratulations Pepper by the way”.

“Brucie, you have your gaggle of children. I deserve one too!!” Tony complained, wrapping his arm around his Pregnant Wife's shoulder. Trying, yet failing, to conceal his excitement at getting another kid.

He turned to greet Marinette when suddenly his eyes went wide. Marinette only stared back.  A sudden staring match between her and Mr.Stark was happening apparently. What was Marinette's life? She remembered once being a normal girl. Maybe she should just blink.

“Wait HOLD UP!!!” Tony exclaimed suddenly ending the staring match, looking back and forth between Bruce and Marinette squinting.  “Are you sure this adorable child is your child?” 

“Oh for the love of go- yes I’m sure Stark” Bruce sighed exasperatedly. “Why does everyone ask me that”

“Cause she's adorable, sweet, and all Sunshiney, and well you’re….you” Tim answered. 

“Bingo, Don't worry Bruce I got a Sunshiney child too, matter of fact here he comes now” Tony comforted.

“OhmygoshMr.StarkI’msosorry” a soot-covered Peter apologized running up to him. 

“There was a fire in the lab,dummytriedtoextinguishitbutthemhesprayedhimself,

“Kid, Bruce Wayne is he-” Tony tried to cut in

“soIhadtoputoutthefireandcleanDummyUp”

Rolling his eyes he grabbed Peter's shoulders and twisted him towards everyone else

“Oh...uh Hi?” Peter squeaked out looking like a deer caught in headlights at seeing the three guests

“Hiya Peter,” Tim chirped excitedly standing next to Marinette who was awkwardly waving hello.

“Hi, Tim” Peter answered relieved. Thank god Tim, fellow tech geek, was here. He doubted he could handle Bruce Wayne on his own.

‘Anyways Brucie you remember my sunshiney kid, Peter, right?” gripping Peter's shoulders from walking towards Wayne. Nu-uh he wasn't going to risk losing Peter to Wayne.

“Mr. Stark I'm not your kid, I still live with Aunt May. I'm your inte-”

“Hush kid“ Tony ordered covering Peter's Mouth.

Marinette sent a silent prayer.  Bruce now had his hands protectively on her and Tims shoulders while Mr. Stark was doing the same to Peter. She would need a miracle to be able to survive this trip.

College Francis Dupont                                                                            Paris, France                                                                                                      2 p.m

“NINO!!!”  Nino couldn’t help but flinch, he’s been trying his best to avoid Alya all day. 

Luckily the breakup happened on Friday so he had the weekend to put himself together thanks to friends and icecream, lots of ice cream.

Surprisingly Chloe was the first to approach him after the breakup. After her, Aurore and Kagami came over to comfort him. They brought him some chocolate filled pastries. After a few hours of comfort, he received a phone call from an unknown number. When he picked up it was the voice of the sweetest girl on earth that greeted him.

“Hey Nino”

“Marinette,” Nino breathed out left speechless “Why, why are you even calling me?” 

“Don't be ridiculous Nino, I still consider you my friend, and right now my friend just got out of a toxic relationship” Marinette answered, yep she was happy for Nino when she heard that he broke up with Alya. Finally. “How are you”

“Who even told you?” he asked, still trying to get over the shock.

Releasing a slight giggle she replied “Chloe”

Nino couldn’t help but laugh through slightly watering eyes “Of Course”

At the reminder of Marinette, Nino mustered up the courage necessary and turned to face his ex.

Be brave Be Brave Be Brave B-

“Nino wanna explain to me why you’ve been ignoring me and Adrien since last week!!??” Alya yelled.

Channel your inner Chloe Bourgeois, he reminded himself. “We broke up, remember? I didn't want to hear your excuses”. That was all Alya ever did, make excuses. 

“Excuses?” screeching Alya took a step forward closer to Nino, instead of staying there took a step back trying to keep his distance away from him “Yes, excuses you always try to act like you never did anything wrong, or not even bother to apologize” “No I don’t” 

“You're doing it right now, jeez why do I even bother Marinette warned me” 

“Marinette” she spat out. Of course. She’s the entire reason why she lost Nino. Well, she wasn't going to let her win. She was determined to get Nino Back.

Oblivious to her anger, Nino explained. “Marinette warned me, as your ex-best friend she became well-acquainted with your “apologies”” 

“I don’t owe you an apology, you just overreacted” Adrien called her, and told her how Nino refused to talk to him and was instead talking to the class traitors “Matter of fact I’m here to give you a second chance, we can go and be a couple again and be happy”

“Yeah, sorry no dice,” He started to walk away doing his best to block out her screams. 

“NINO, DONT DO THIS!!!” 

A purple butterfly soon emerged from nowhere. Nino watched as it made its way towards Alya. Only one thought ran through his mind as he witnessed the butterfly merge with Alyas glasses and purple bubbles engulf Alya. 

Run.

Authors Message:                                                                                        Hope you guys enjoyed this extra long chapter. I can’t wait till I post the next chapter. Also I’m gonna start writing a series that focuses on Dick Grayson soon.  

I have part two of the Hamilton AU written out I just have to do this annoying thing called editing. Keep an eye out for that soon.

As Always stay Safe and Healthy Loves.

Taglist: (Still Open)

@purplesundaze @silvergold-swirl @k-poplunardreams @pepelachanel @laurcad123 @maribat-is-lifeblood @kass-is-weird @another-fan-of-anotherplan @damianette-is-life @amayakans @parallelparabox @miukiiu @valeks-princess @toodaloo-kangaroo @vixen-uchiha @thezestywalru @dreamykitty25 @pirats-pizzacanninibles @mochinek0 @shamefullove @mochegato @souleateralicestein @thestressmademedoit @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @aestheticnpoetic @flufflepuffle296@mysupporthyperfixations @itsmeevie01 @jeminiikrystal @iglowinggemma28 @whydoexamsexist @kuroko26 @animalgirl05 @susiej1118 @damianthebratboy @ccwkm6967 @valyui901601 @wannajointhecrabcult @thornalchemist23 @tazanna-blythe @rebecarojas07 @moonlightstar64 @chylou34

[arofili]

how’d u get into writing? like, writing fic and being part of the silm community, being Known, that stuff? i’m really new to being a silm cc and i’d love to know ur advice! also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs? bc i have a Lot of hcs and meta ideas but also i’m really anxious abt posting them bc yknow anxiety is like that

these are some great questions, anon! I’m gonna go through them one by one :)

how’d u get into writing?

not to be like, super cliche, but I’ve...kind of always been a writer? as long as I can remember I’ve been telling stories, and when I was too young to read or write I would dictate them to my mom, who would type them up for me and help me choose clipart illustrations to accompany them. when I got old enough I would always be writing; I attempted my first novel at age 9, and while that never really went anywhere I did finish the darn thing and it had some pretty sophisticated plot twists for a 9-year-old!

like, writing fic

around the same time I got into fandom! I was deep into Warrior cats (like. really deep) and I believe I started writing my first fics when I was like? 10 or 11? my memory is kind of fuzzy on the order of things, but I know I got an account on the Warriors forums when I was 9, and that I was already posting my fic there when I made my FFN account. I believe I was 12 when that happened, but who knows. I haven’t the faintest idea of what happened with those forums, but uhhh pretty much all of my Warriors fic is still up on FFN lmao. you could probably find that if you want to but um...maybe don’t?

my first Big Fic was a self-insert of...my entire 5th/6th grade class into the then-current timeline of the Warriors books...well. I honestly think that might still be my most popular fic of all time l m a o though I try not to think about it because Hashtag Cringe. though as much as I look back on that time with a “yikes,” I am very grateful for the Warriors fandom in a way? that place was so accepting and encouraging of OCs, of AUs, of completely disregarding canon, of worldbuilding that is completely alien from canon - it was a fantastic sandbox to begin with, there were so many ways to write stories and practically all of them were accepted and had fellow fans invested in them!

and being part of the silm community, 

soooo I wrote Warriors fic until my freshman year of high school (wow sdjfhkdsjfh), which was when BOTFA came out, and I was absolutely wrecked by the ending and immediately started writing my own fixit fic. I was also super hooked on Kiliel! so that was my intro to the Tolkien fandom; and simultaneously, I joined tumblr, and, well, the rest is history tbh.

I honestly do not remember when I first read the Silm, but I kind of got into the more obscure parts of the Tolkien fandom through fandom osmosis, and I do have a vague memory of doodling the Finwean family tree in geometry class so it might have been later on in freshman year? that was also the same time I was having my Queer Awakening, and Russingon definitely contributed to me unlearning my internalized queerphobia, so probably around then.

anyway - queer awakening, tumblr, Tolkien, transitioning from FFN to AO3 - all of that was happening around the same time. I know I dipped my toes in the Silm fandom then, but I was still primarily a Hobbit fic writer focusing on Kiliel. toward the end of high school I kind of shifted to LOTR and (qp) Gigolas...but somehow the Silm fandom is the most active of the Big Three within the Tolkien fandom, and I was getting dragged further and further in.

it wasn’t until @backtomiddleearthmonth 2019, my freshman year of college, that I really dove into writing Silm fic! I picked some Silm-specific bingo cards and never looked back :D that was really not all that long ago but I am obsessed in a way I don’t really remember being even with TH/LOTR, I obviously cannot see the future but I anticipate hanging out here for a long time. the Silm fandom is great overall and there’s just so much material to work with!! <3

being Known, that stuff?

so I don’t really have a whole lot of context on how “well known” I am in the fandom?? definitely within the past year and a half or so I’ve noticed that I like, get asks like this, and get a significant amount of notes on my posts, and I’ve made a lot of fandom friends especially since I joined some Silm servers on Discord (hmu if you want invites; I’m on the SWG server and 2 general Silm servers and the Russingon server) this past year. and I have 3,000 followers as of this month - and while ever since I hit 1k I don’t particularly pay attention to my follower count I can definitely say that I have more engagement now than I used to! but it took me a long time to build this “audience,” I suppose; I’ve been around the Tolkien fandom since late 2014, so nearly 6 years of this, lol.

really the best way to build a following, in my experience, is to just post a lot of stuff. when I started making edits I got a lot more engagement, because for a long time I would post one every day! (I made them in batches and queued them; I didn’t actually make one every day lol...and now I’m too busy to do that, so I just make edits for events and whenever I feel like it) And I have [checks ao3] 145 works in the Silm fandom as of today - I’m fairly prolific! I’ve come to generally expect 3-10 comments on most of my oneshots, which is a lot more than I used to have back in the day. consistency and quantity are more likely to attract people to your work - and quality, of course.

also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs?

I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I’ve been writing fic for like...11 years? I think? in that time I’ve produced a lot of garbage, but imo most of that was in my Warrior cats phase, so I came into the Tolkien fandom with confidence in myself and my writing. I’m also working on original fiction on the side (I hope to eventually become a published fantasy author, but right now school takes up most of my time that I don’t devote to fandom, which gives me more immediate gratification and also is just Very Fun) and I know I’m a good writer.

basically, I’ve been doing this for like...half my life, and I’m still fairly young, so I’ve had time to build up my skill and confidence and I know I’m only going to get better with time. you will get better with practice. like I said, I’ve written a lot of terrible stuff, and it’s only through sucking for a long time that I’ve gotten to the point I am now. and I am far from perfect; I know I still have lots of room to grow!

for meta and headcanons specifically, I started with writing fic, and then when I didn’t think I could stretch something into an entire fic I would just make a hc post. I have a vivid memory of writing my first meta in a notebook during driver’s ed because it was so goddamn boring and I had Thoughts about Tauriel and Thranduil!

in my experience, meta comes from having Opinions and wanting to share them and most importantly to back them up - you need to have sources! you need to have reasons! you need to have justification! otherwise it’s not meta, it’s a headcanon or an AU. which is fine!! I love hc/AU!!! but they are not the same as meta, and I’m a stickler for being accurate when it comes to meta. if you have sources and shit to back you up, that will help you build the confidence to share your meta.

sharing disinformation and passing it off as meta instead of just coming out and saying this is a headcanon/baseless theory/AU or whatever is such a fandom pet peeve of mine; it’s not bad for something to not be Accurate! you just have to have that disclaimer - and even when you’re writing meta, you’re offering an interpretation of the text, and you need to acknowledge that other interpretations also exist and are valid.

um. I hope this answers your questions? and sorry for basically word-vomiting my entire life story, lol. this post got long; the main reason I’ve written so much fic is because I really just cannot shut up for the life of me. sooo if you can tear of that filter of being shy and just. say shit. you can go so far~!

OH and one more thing - I can’t believe I almost forgot this - but part of being a writer is participating in the community. this is code for LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT IF YOU LIKE A FIC. that’s how I made most of my fandom friends before Discord! I follow @ao3feed-silmarillion and stalk that blog for new Silm fics; I read the ones that interest me and comment on them.

I know this is not really the most common way for folks to find fic but it’s so rewarding to interact with new fic, new writers, new commentors, new stories - you can find gems that don’t rise to the top of the kudos/bookmark lists; you become friends with your fellow writers; you can watch people grow and change; you support smaller content creators. yeah, you might not be getting Just The Best Stuff, but it’s so so so worth it!!

and if you make friends in the comment section of other people’s fic - I guarantee you some of them will go to your AO3 profile and check out your fic, too! and they’ll leave comments! this is a fic community, and that’s what I cherish about fandom most of all, tbh.

anyway - again - sorry for rambling so much, but I hoped this helped! feel free to send in another ask, or to come talk to me off anon if you’d like! and definitely send me your stuff if/when you decide to share it; I would love to support you!!! <3

[spnfanficpond]

Pond Diving - Katelynw93

Welcome to today’s Pond Diving Spotlight! We hope that you enjoy this little insight to our members and perhaps even find some useful tips for your own writing. Happy reading!

Want to volunteer, send us an ask! We’re looking forward to learning more about all of you! Not sure what PD is, you can learn more here.

“Don’t Be Koi About It” - All About You

Name: Katelyn, but most people call me Kate, Katie or sometimes even Kat.

Age: 27

Location: Originally from Kansas, but have been located in Upstate NY for the last six years.

URL: @katelynw93​

Why did you choose your URL: It’s usually the username that I use for everything and if I’m being honest, I’m not very creative when it comes to titles or names. Lol. I’ve been meaning to change it; I just need to decide on what.  

What inspired you to become a writer: Well, when I was in middle school (maybe seventh or eighth grade), my best friend and I decided to write a story together and post it on a fanfiction site (Can’t remember the site name, though.) And I just loved it. We never did finish that story. Lol. But eventually I started branching out and found some roleplay writing sites.  

How long have you been writing: Started writing in middle school (2006/2007), but really got into it in 2009 with RP. However, September of this year (2020) was the first year I started really writing fics by myself and opening posting them. 

What do you do when you are not writing i.e. Job/Hobbies etc? I work a lot, usually an average of 40+ hours a week; I am a manager at a popular food chain restaurant and on the weekends, a cashier at a gas station to provide a little extra cash for my family. When I’m not working, my time is spent with my two kids; Alekzander (Zander) who just turned five this past November and Lincoln (Link) who will be two in February. Outside of work and my family, I’m usually writing. Sometimes if I’m feeling extra creative or inspired, I’ll create a few crackships for couples I really enjoy. Lol. 

How long have you been in the SPN Fandom? I actually found Supernatural around the same time I started writing, so back in ninth grade, so 2008/2009. It was honestly an accident too, because I was searching for Smallville episodes (I have an unhealthy addiction to Superman and DC/Marvel.) and stumbled upon an ad for Supernatural. Was instantly intrigued and fell in love. Seasons 1 - 5 (the Kripke era) are my favorite. 

Are you in any other fandoms and do you write for them? Oh yea, I love TV shows and movies, and as I’ve already stated above, I love DC and Marvel. I’ve also written for Grey’s Anatomy and am willing to write for more, but SPN, DC and Grey’s are currently the only ones I’ve written for. I love The Vampire Diaries, One Tree Hill, Private Practice, Station 19, 9-1-1, Game of Thrones, The Witcher, Merlin, Dexter, Psych, and so, so many more. There are too many to list. Lol.  

Do you do any writing outside of fanfiction? If so, tell us about it? Other than RPing, not really. I mean, I did try to do an original story with my friend when I was younger, but it never went anywhere. But I am willing to try someday. 

Favorite published author: Other than the really big authors like; J.K. Rowling, George R.R. Martin, Jim Butcher, Nicholas Sparks, Suszanne Collins, I really like (and maybe it’s cliche) Stephenie Meyer. The Twilight Saga made me fall in love with reading and eventually, that love led me to writing. Those books hold a special place in my heart.  

Have you ever read a book that made an impact on your life? Which one and why?: Well, I guess I sort of answered that one already. But there truly are so many amazing books out there and still so many more to discover. 

Favorite genre of fanfic (smut, angst, fluff, crack, rpf, etc): Oh man, I’m not gonna lie, a majority of what I read is probably smut. But I am particularly fond of angst. I want you to make me cry. Really dig and stab into my emotions. Lol. And then come back in with some fluff. Haha. 

Favorite piece of your own writing: Well, that would have to be Sweet Cherry Pie because it was really the first piece I’ve ever finished and published online. It was inspired by an RP that I am currently involved in and they are my favorite couple in said RP. It got so much positive feedback after I shared it that it inspired me to keep writing. I was so nervous about posting it, but I am glad I did. 

Most underrated fic you have written: Oh I’m not sure. Maybe Love Bites. I am a sucker for Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries crossovers. I really loved writing this fic and am eager to write more. 

Story of yours that you’d most like to see turned into a movie/tv show: Oh damn, um, it’d be cool to see any of them like that. But maybe Sweet Cherry Pie or Out of the Fire (my firefighter!Dean series).  

Favorite Tumblr Writer(s): There are so many, but I usually find myself reading work from; @impala-dreamer​, @katehuntington​  @deanwanddamons​, @muchamusedaboutnothing​.  

Favorite Fic from another writer: This one is tough because there are so many amazing fics out there, especially ones that I adddddore; but if forced to choose, one story that will always stick with me would have to be Treacherous by @idkhaylijah​ OR The Sullivan Series by Kate Huntington 

Favorite character to write: Dean Winchester. I adore Dean and he’s probably the easiest for me to write. I have written the most fics with him and I portray him often in the RPs that I do. 

Favorite Pairing to write: Dean with anyone, but my favorite would be Dean x Caroline. 

Least favorite character to write (and why): That’s a tough one, cause there’s not really any that I’m uncomfortable with or dislike writing. Maybe characters with accents, because I don’t really know how to capture that in writing yet? I’m pretty open with my writing and am willing to try mostly anything. 

Do you have anyone you consider a mentor? Oh definitely. When I first started RPing, there was another girl (Jocelyn) that I used to write with and she influenced a lot of my writing. She was older than me and had more experience and gave me a lot of tips on how to get better. She is an amazing writer and had the potential of going far with it, but life happens and unfortunately, she doesn’t write anymore. But she is booming on Youtube, so that’s pretty impressive. It’s pretty cool to see how far she’s come. 

Do you have any aspirations involving your writing? I used to want to be a journalist when I was younger, but other than that, not really. I just want to have fun with it and write something meaningful for someone, and always improve and get better.  

How many work-in-progress stories do you have: I have a few ideas jotted down, maybe ten, but I haven’t actually started any of them. I have so many bingo cards I need to finish, but with my work schedule, it’s been pretty crazy. 

What are you currently working on? My main project is Out of the Fire.

“Pond Diving” - All About The Writing

What/who has had the biggest influence on your writing? Definitely the RPing that I’ve done and am currently doing. My friend Alesha has been the longest RP partner that I’ve had and her writing is phenomenal - and it helps a lot too when your mind's work in similar ways; her and I always seem to be on the same wavelength when it comes to writing. I love it. But like me, she has a very busy schedule and writing is limited. 

Best writing advice you've been given: Have fun with it, write what you want to write and always be open to helpful criticism. And don’t stress about it, either. Write in your own time. It’s meant to be fun, not stressful. 

Biggest obstacle you’ve faced in your writing: Just finding the time to write and getting over being so self conscious about my writing. I don’t let anyone in my real life read what I write.  

What aspects of writing do you find difficult when you write fanfiction? Just capturing the personalities of the canon characters sometimes; if it’s a character I’m not used to writing, I worry about portraying them the right way. And I have trouble individualizing the characters (separating them from myself/my own personality), like when I create an OC for an RP, sometimes when I have too many, their personalities all become the same in ways (if that makes sense?). And accents. I have trouble with accents. Oh, and fight/action scenes. They take me a bit.  

Is there anything you want to write but are afraid to (and why): I am always going to be afraid, no matter what it is that I’m writing, because I worry about it succeeding. I want to write for other fandoms though, I guess, but like I said, I worry about capturing the characters right and having a decent storyline that is unique. 

What inspires/motivates you to write: Honestly, positive feedback. I love hearing what people think about my writing and it motivates me to continue. 

How do you deal with self-doubt: That’s a tough one. I guess I just look towards my writing friends or beta’s for reassurance or I go back and read the positive comments and likes on the fics I’ve already shared. It encourages me to continue. 

How do you deal with writer's block: I usually listen to music and I’ll look up gifs of my favorite characters, create stories in my head with those gifs or I’ll create gif sets of specific scenes. If that doesn’t work, I’ll take a break and watch one of my favorite TV shows for inspiration. 

Do you plan/outline your story before you start: For my RPs, I have a group chat with those I’m writing with and we usually shoot ideas back and forth, but mostly we wing it. For my fics, I normally just wing it, but with Out of the Fire, I have a rough idea of what I want from each part. With that said, my ideas or plans often change as I’m writing. These characters have a mind of their own sometimes. Lol.  

Do you have any weird writing habits: I don’t know about any weird habits, but I always have music on and I guess I have to do it in spurts. I’ll write a few paragraphs or sentences, pause and scroll tumblr or facebook or gifs, and then go back, reread what I wrote and then write a few more. Rise and repeat. 

Have you ever received hateful comments on your fic and how do you deal with it? So far, no I haven’t, and I hope I don’t ever have to deal with that. But I know it’s bound to happen. I guess if I were to ever encounter that, I’d like to say that I’ll take it as a learning experience but I honestly don’t know I’d feel about that.  

Conversely: what’s been some of your favorite feedback on your fanfic? Oh man, I guess my favorite would have to be ellewritesfix05 reaction to the secret santa fic I wrote for her; Dean Fucking Winchester. And all the positive feedback I’ve gotten for Out of the Fire.

If you could give one piece of advice to a new and/or struggling writer, what would it be? Have fun with it. Write what you want and what you’re comfortable with. Don’t be afraid of constructive criticism and most importantly, don’t stress. Writing is fun.

[spectralscathath]

In Another Perfect Life

Fair Game Week, Day 4: Soulmates/Birds

Everyone on Remnant has a leitmotif, a soul melody that they know from the moment they’re born. It was said that singing or humming your leitmotif causes it to play in your soulmate’s head. It was lucky to have a soulmate, some said. Someone who had a deep tie to you, beyond the limits of friendship and family and even romance, in some cases.

Qrow, since the universe saw the word ‘lucky’ and cackled maliciously, had no less than three damn soul melodies in his head, aside from his own.

He wanted to file a complaint.

Ao3 Link

Qrow heard Tyrian’s stupid fucking soulsong start up in the back of his head and viciously kicked the wall. Stupid fucking murder soulmate. Raven’s bitch ass tune he could deal with, she was his twin, even if she was a goddamn fucking harlot who fucked off and also tried to kill him. At least she almost never hummed her stupid melody.

Tyrian, though? Every. Fucking. Day.

It wasn’t until Qrow had heard Tyrian humming it under his breath as they tried to kill each other in Oniyuri that the creepily cool leitmotif had turned into a source of unending annoyance.

Apparently murder soulmates were definitely a thing, and Qrow was going to wring Tyrian’s neck until he never had to hear that damned tune in his head again.

It would be nice if Number Three could start doing their thing again. Qrow hadn’t heard that person do anything with their melody in a while.

Knowing his luck, Person Three would also try to kill him.

Tyrian started in again on another rendition of his stupid theme song and Qrow gritted his teeth, pursing his lips as he whistled his own melody to try drown out Callows, and maybe annoy him as well.

The next reprise of Tyrian’s soulsong sounded smug. Qrow was gonna rip off what was left of his tail and shove it so far up Tyrian’s arse the faunus would be tasting his own venom for weeks.

Screw it.

He stomped past the briefing room where everyone else was waiting, shoved open the nearest window, and jumped out without the slightest hesitation. If nothing else, he could at least try to clear his head with a flight.

Or, he thought as he shifted forms with a touch of magic, he could hunt down the maniacal bastard and pay him back for the poisoning.

His wings flapped in the cold breeze as he headed off, unfortunately missing Clover looking outside the briefing room with a confused-yet-hopeful grin.

------------

In the Xiao Long household, there was a bookshelf that was stacked with books that were all about animals. Lots of illustrated guides and glossaries. At least three were about bugs, Ruby had a fascination for creepy-crawlies as a kid, with another devoted specifically to the different species of arachnids. There was a book on dogs, birdwatcher guides to just about everywhere Qrow had visited when he’d had the lien to pick one up, a couple of others about wildlife in general, and then there was one that sat, not on the shelf, but on the coffee table.

The Illustrated Encyclopedia Of Remnant’s Corvids, by Dr Jay Jackdaw.  

A gift from Summer, once she and Tai had calmed down about the whole ‘turning into birds’ thing. She was such a brat.

He’d ended up reading it, cover-to-cover, just to make sure that nothing would surprise him about any possible side effects. Ozpin had said there wouldn’t be, but hey, turned out he was wrong.

Qrow didn’t know if it was his natural thief tendencies, honed from being raised as a bandit and a scavenger, or if it was bleed over from his corvid form, but he had a fascination with shiny trinkets. One look at a small treasure hoard stored in a box in Tai’s room gave that away.

But it wasn’t just his tendency to purloin new sparklies, it was all the other random stuff. The way he liked to mess around with people’s hair if he liked them, from messing up Ruby’s do to scruffing Tai’s mop with both hands, gentle carding of calloused fingers through Yang’s golden locks as he treated it with the same care that she did.

Even James got it, with playful flicks to that one piece of his hair that always fell over his face. Then there was the slightly weirder things that couldn’t be brushed off as normal quirkiness, like how he had a tendency to squawk when he got surprised in a sound that was way too similar to a caw.

There was the way his pupils pinned when emotional, which wasn’t technically a crow trait, it was a parrot thing. Tai, resident nerd, had brought that up with Ozpin and gotten a shrug and the answer of ‘it’s magic’. Summer had always liked how his hair fluffed out sometimes, like a bird’s feathers. Head cocks were fairly standard, and he couldn’t really complain about the other eccentricities either.

Not when the usefulness of his bird form far outweighed literally any downside.

It was a weird, nonsensical train of thought,stupid and really irrelevant to his current hunt, but thinking about bird facts and the effects they had on himself was still better then Tyrian’s fuckin-ass clown music. 

He hated that guy.

He broke out of his musings as he heard Number Three’s soulsong enter his head, clear as mud, the sound dimmed by his different form. He flapped his wings as he scanned for a good perch, landing on a streetlight as his talons clicked on the cold metal. He cocked his head, listening to the melody in his head.

It was a lot more jaunty and triumphant to Raven’s dirge and Tyrian’s whatever-the-fuck. He knew his own was able to be both victorious and melancholic at the same time, depending on how fast he strung the notes together in his head.

Number Three reminded him of an honest-to-gods sea shanty, sometimes. Made him think of rolling waves or still waters. Raven’s put him in mind of cold shadows and moonlight scattered by clouds, and Tyrian’s was fucking clown music or something stupid like that, fuck, Qrow hated that slimy bastard.

It was nice to hear Person Three was still around though.

Speaking of, it would be smartest to head back to Atlas. He’d missed whatever mission he was assigned for today, instead hunting down Tyrian himself from the skies. Nothing, not that he expected to spot the faunus when the sun was out. Tyrian was a predator, he’d probably stick to the natural advantage the darkness gave his faunus eyes.

Not only that, but people feared the night, as a whole. Night time was when people were vulnerable, when they slept, when they locked up their homes and tried to avoid the unsavoury types lurking out in the shadows.

Only two people worked at night, in Qrow’s opinion. Criminals and Huntsmen.

He flew in through his own window, always left open just in case, and landed in a crouch, straightening up and fixing his hair before he opened the door to a set of seafoam green eyes and a shiny clover pin.

Sometimes he really wanted to nick that pin, but he refrained. Personal trinkets to others were something he’d long since made off-limits to himself.

Still, this was a surprise. “Clover. Hey. What’s up?”

“You missed briefing,” Clover’s hands were folded behind his back, but there wasn’t accusation on his face. Rather, he looked pleased and like he was trying to hide it. “Any reason why?”

“Went looking for Tyrian.” There was a vibrant purple scar on his side that was going to be a permanent reminder of their first duel. “Didn’t find him.”

“You should be more careful, instead of going off alone. Our records show that he’s a very dangerous individual.” Clover’s hidden enthusiasm faded to concern.

Qrow shrugged it off. “Yeah, I know. He and I had a fight.”

“In Oniyuri? That’s what Ren, Nora and Ruby said after the rally.”

Qrow crossed his arms. “Bingo.” He should probably invite Clover into the shoebox that James had given him access to. Letting him stand in the doorway seemed weird. “You coming in?”

Clover blinked and recovered. “Oh- yeah, sure, of course.” He stepped in and waited for Qrow to give him the nod before sitting down. “You fought him and he apparently nearly killed you. Next time it would be best for you to bring back up.”

“We had a mutual aura break.” If Ruby had just stayed out of the way then he would have won, or at least taken the freak down with him. “I’ll get him next time.”

“I see. Well, next time, make sure you call it in so that-” there was a moment’s hesitation as Clover seemed to skip over whatever word he was about to say, before continuing smoothly like the break had never happened, “there can be back up ready to cover for you.” Clover looked him in the eye. “Alright?”

Qrow looked back, and realised that Clover was offering to be that back up. That he was asking Qrow to promise not to go in alone. Qrow’s mouth felt a little dry as he nodded, before deciding to not be a jerk and actually answer. “Yeah. Okay.”

Clover’s determined look softened a little as he smiled, laugh lines creasing in his face. They were similar to the crow’s feet that were forming at the creases of Qrow’s eyes, and they suited Clover, made him look steady. Steady was good, compared to Qrow’s life of unpredictability.

Qrow realised he was maybe staring a little bit when Clover quirked a brow curiously, his greying hair fluffing up as he dropped his eyes to his hands, fiddling with his rings and spinning one on his finger. “So. Anything else?”

“No, that’s everything.” Clover was still smiling, and Qrow had a mad thought of inviting him to stick around and hang out for the night.

He shook that off too. Probably wouldn’t be a good idea. “Cool. I’m gonna head out, check on the kids. See you at the briefing?”

Clover looked almost put out by that, but he smiled gracefully and stood, brushing off his uniform and flicking his pin. Weird. Qrow thought he only did that when he wanted to be extra lucky. Clover paid no heed to Qrow’s cocked head and raised brow as he spoke. “I’ll see you there. Enjoy your evening, Qrow.”

“You too, Shamrock.” He gave him a wave off as the ace operative walked by, hands folding behind his back as he stepped out. Qrow couldn’t help but watch him go, noticing a faint bounce to Clover’s steps before he heard the man humming something, the sound fading into the ambient noise as he left.

That was Soulmate Number Three’s tune.

Qrow grinned. Son of a bitch.

-----

I’m very excited for tomorrow. Thought you ought to know.

[seenashblog]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2019)

This is the thing where I recap and rate cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies (mostly - if other channels do "original" holiday movies, like Lifetime, I may sneak those in there, too). This post will be updated with new entries as I go, all below the cut. I'm rating based upon The Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card. Here it is, and feel free to use it for your own watching:

More quick clarification on ratings: 

When something's pulling in a 4 or 5 star, that means the Bingo only popped a few squares. When something's hitting at a 3, it's a handful of squares, maybe came in the ballpark of having a Bingo. The 2s mean definitely got a Bingo. The 1s mean anywhere from more than one Bingo to nearly filled the damn card. Outside of the card, stars can also get docked because of piss-poor writing, embarrassing acting, draggy flow, and shitty casting (read: lack of chemistry).

Put another way - 3 stars means they aren’t exactly a waste of time, 2 stars are debatable/up to personal taste, and of course 1 star means I will never get that time back and I’m that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Here's the 2018 list

And remember: never, EVER watch “My Christmas Love” 😉

Let’s roll. Most recent entries will be first.

#6

Once Upon A Christmas Miracle (Hallmark, 2018 - Brett Dalton, Aimee Teegarden - the latter of whom will make you think "I know someone who looks like her" because she looks like that girl you went to school with or worked with or was a friend of a friend, or maybe is a friend of yours - she's just got that look about her. My Aimee Teegarden's name is Jessica.)

This movie is infuriating.

Brett is a great actor, Aimee is serviceable, let's just get that out of the way. Matter of fact, you're not going to find any of the acting grating. Overall, everybody's fine.

Here's what you need to know: this is based on a true story, and that story is that a woman who needed a liver transplant gets a random donor (no one in her fam was a match apparently). And donor's this awesome dude, and they end up falling in love. Cool story, right?

Yeah, then Hallmark got their hands on it.

Everything is shmoop. Everything. The family (including the - way to go casting - sister who looks nothing like her, I mean NOTHING like her) is on Christmas like it's crack. Details include her hand-making wreaths, and oh by the way she does it for every holiday. Okay. Whatever. Some of us have more time on our hands than others. Look at me, I pause in housework to type this shit up when I could be doing said housework. It's all about priorities.

There's of course The Conflict, which is that he gets a job offer out of town. But before all that, he organizes a Christmas Eve party focused on fundraising for her because of the medical bills and because she won't go back to nursing school since money. Welcome to the USA, the only advanced, developed country on the planet where they don't consider investment in our populous as important as investment in, well, you pick. I'm furious. I'm also grinding my teeth over the gross medical inaccuracies in this one, but I won't go down that road or we'll be here all day. I bring that up because the thing upon which this story pivots is the medical issue, so some realism there is important so that we as the audience can understand the gravity of what they went through, the sacrifice he made for a stranger, why this bonded them, etc.

I hate this movie. I hate it. The family is insufferably perfect. It's so overblown it's unrealistic. And that wasn't needed - it's okay to show them stressed and worried, this is a big deal. But nope, they're just perfect. And she's perfect, everyone loves her, she's pretty and smart and sweet and EVERYONE LOVES HER. There's not one moment of her being, say, bitter and resentful  that she's having to go through this, and again - THAT'S NORMAL. Just some normalcy is needed to balance the "Wow!" of what happened which is that they ended up falling in love, because that truly is not the norm and is extraordinary.

So I got curious and wondered what, if any, of this - beyond what we know - was actually true. Okay: he and his motorcycle club did arrange a fundraiser. They did end up several doors down from each other at the hospital and would take their walks together (that's mandatory post-surgery, they want you up walking ASAP, just FYI). But here's what I was looking for: this didn't happen at Christmas. He overheard a coworker talking about a sick cousin in January 2015. The surgery happened in March. They started dating, and in July he actually asked her father for permission to ask her to marry him. And THEN at Christmastime, he proposed to her, which was the very last scene in the movie.

I guess what I'm getting at is, why couldn't this have just been a regular Hallmark movie at a random time of year. They made the focus Christmas instead of it being on Heather and Chris. They had an opportunity to dig in a little deeper than they usually do, they were handed a wonderful love story that was filled with a major REAL trial, and they blew it. They swapped true love and loyalty, for romance and fluff. Yeah, love and romance are on the Venn diagram together, but they ain't the same thing.

This can't be a 5 because it was so schlocky, not to mention because there were zero character arcs, our two leads were the exact same people at the end as they were at the beginning. I can't in good conscience make it a 4 because of what I've said above. But the production value was fine, the acting was fine, the script dialogue-wise was fine, and the pacing was fine. IT WAS FINE. You may be into this, but I was greatly disappointed, especially after learning about the material with which they had to work. So I have to drop it from a 3 to a 2. Be warned, though - if you google, everyone rates it off the charts. [shrugs]

2/5 stars

The Christmas Note (Hallmark, 2015 - Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Leah Gibson - the former of whom you better know, and the latter of whom is incredibly familiar to me - and there's also several other familiar folks, namely the guy who plays the lawyer who is a great actor and should be in more stuff)

Now, even though this isn't based on a true story it is a good example of how to dig into tough situations and allow people to be imperfect, along with elements of lightness and sweetness and happiness. (The next one does this well, too, but hang on let's knock this one out.) Both our leads - and thank god on high this isn't a romance for once - are excellent actors with great chemistry, so no worries there. This *is* a love story, however. Because not all love is kissing and sex and romance.

One more time for the people in the back: meeting someone and growing to love them is not always about sexy times and kissy face and shmoopy romance.

So here's the scoop, and I'm not looking up their character names: Jamie-Lynn, along with her son (who, despite being a good lil' actor, is mildly annoying, but it's the script, not him) has moved back to her small hometown and gotten a little house to be closer to her parents, because her army hubby got nearly blowed-up overseas and he's in the hospital recuperating enough to where it's safe for him to travel home. Next door lives Leah who seems stand-offish at first but it's just because her life is basically work-home-work-home, wash-rinse-repeat. They start to get to know each other because this dude shows up and knocks on Jamie-Lynn's door and is like "I can't get hold of your neighbor but her mom's died and she needs to come clean out the apartment, like, yesterday." Jamie-Lynn goes with her to do it, being all - Nobody should have to go through this alone - and Leah accepts the offer, because this is gonna be hard, and double-hard because due to a falling out, she hadn't talked to her mom in like 10 years. They end up finding a letter her mom left her, and in part of it, she tells that before Leah was born she gave up a child for adoption. That's it. No other leads.

And after Jamie-Lynn and various folks around town encourage her, Leah decides she'll make effort to find her sibling, and Jamie-Lynn helps, and as they follow up on various things in mom's possessions, they get closer and closer, and end up becoming friends. There's no silly misunderstandings as excuse to farm emotion - there's just actual emotion because jesus, did you read what this plot is?! Nothing is smothered by shmoop and nobody is shoving Christmas spirit up your ass. Nobody's family is perfect (you know the scoop on Leah, and as far as Jamie-Lynn's, turns out husband may not make it home for Christmas, and her parents are divorced and slightly cantankerous), so again - it's keeping grounded in the midst of what's about to be a (kind've) fantastical ending.

Skip beyond the next divider if you don't want to be spoiled.

While they don't look alike, they do both have dark hair and dark eyes (I can't tell if maybe some dark hazel is happening, but their eyes ain't blue and brown is my point). And note the way they occasionally part their hair (far to one side), the way they'll occasionally move in sync (standing from chair, for instance), similar style purses and coats. You may've guessed the ending - and it was mentioned early on though not heavy-handed that Jamie-Lynn is adopted - but Jamie-Lynn is Leah's older birth half-sister. And of course, husband makes it home for Christmas.

The only thing - and I mean THE only, even the music is on point - I would've changed about this (but it's based on a book, so Hallmark couldn't, so I guess I'm critiquing the author) is that I'd have made it that the husband is her older half-brother. So that when he gets home on, say, Christmas Eve the lawyer could've shown up at the house being like "Sorry if I'm intruding but my contact at blah-blah-blah agency came through, I just read the documents, and you have to know this right away", etc. Otherwise, this movie is solid, top to bottom. I would give it a 4 vs a 5 because it is highly, highly, HIGHLY improbable that they'd be neighbors. Better for them to have met via work or at the coffee shop or something. But let me tell you, the thing that puts this over the top? In the scene where they find out the truth, they nail it. In lesser hands (including the lawyer actor), this would've failed and ruined the entire movie. Instead, it actually made me a little teary-eyed.

5/5 stars

The Santa Con (Lifetime, 2014 - the very stacked cast of: Barry Watson, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Sagemiller, Jaleel White, Scott Grimes, Wendy Williams, Alimi Ballard, John Ratzenberger - every single one of whom you'll recognize or know right off the bat)

Lifetime does this better than Hallmark, and tenfold: casting. And this is a drama vs. a romance, but they all nail it. It helps that the director was Melissa Joan Hart, and I'll put in my disclaimer here that I said last year....

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that’s what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa’s in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you’re good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.

Except this time? It's not exactly her typical fare, but it's just as solid. Here's the basic summary, and I'm not going too far down the road because with all those characters, as you can imagine, there's lots of back-and-forth as far as who's interacting with whom at a given point. So Barry plays a conman who finally landed himself in prison but he charmed the warden (Ratzenberger) and the board and gets parole. His goes to live with his sister (Hart) and we meet his fellow conman buddy (White), and the job he gets is part-time gig as a Santa at the mall (sister has a shop there). He is just going through the motions, and he promises this kid - the only bit of poor casting, IMO, but kid actors are six of one, half dozen the other - that his wish of his parents being back together will come true (Sagemiller and Grimes).

Problem: Grimes' character is an alcoholic, and the kid finally gets an eyeful and quits being pissed at his mom for the separation when dad shows up absolutely lit to the school play. In any event, Barry feels like he needs to make good on the promise somehow because he feels guilty and he insinuates himself into their lives (I am absolutely going blank how, sorry), and he at least wants to give Grimes a fighting chance at being reunited with his family (Sagemiller says she would totally take him back if he got the drinking issue taken care of because she genuinely loves him, she just can't tolerate that shit anymore). So Barry's doing things like helping Grimes get to AA and revealing that his boss at work took credit for his awesome idea (that, coupled with the drinking, is why he got fired if memory serves, I'm writing this post-movie).

There's one angle that irritates me - the issue with Grimes shouldn't have been alcoholism. That's a tough topic to tackle, and I don't know that a Lifetime Christmas movie is the place to do it. I didn't mind him coming drunk to the play, I think that would've been in line with him being, broadly, Mr. Fuck Up. Like losing his job - we learn that the reason is because his idea was stolen, but from her perspective it's part of his pattern. And maybe he kept missing things he'd promised to do with the kid. Whatever, fill in all those blanks. In addition, it irks me that Sagemiller's romantic choices here are a felon and an alcoholic. Are all felons bad? No. Are all alcoholics bad? No. Because people vary. My point is, both of their lives are messy at this moment and they need to work on themselves before involving another person and her kid. Barry's also been lying to her this whole time, and regardless of the good intentions (and that's debatable, his reasons, at one point), it's still a bunch of deception.

But I have to give credit where credit's due. It's a very original plot, both the writer and Hart did a great job balancing it out and keeping it streamlined to the degree that they could, and, again, I cannot praise the casting enough. Because there is a distinct lack of shmoop, and because there's some humor, and because the pacing was on point, and because I think it maybe hit 2 squares on the card if that, I deem this not even close to being a waste of your time. Like I say, there's just that thing that I feel like could've been better, but it's kind've a big thing, so I gotta ding for it. I'll say this, though: seeing Urkel and Sabrina flirt cures a lot of ails.

4/5 stars

The Perfect Christmas Present (Hallmark, 2017 - Sam Page, who I recognize, and a gal called Tara Holt, whose parents should be popped upside the head for naming their child Terre Haute; I mean, unless they've got a real hard-on for Indiana, in which case you do you)

She's from Chicago (as in, grew up there) but then her mom moved them to L.A. (after dad died, so check dead parent box), but she's moved back to establish a charity there, and also because boyfriend lives there (I missed how they got together if she lived across the country). She wants to hold a charity event, and he helps arrange for a former client's historic home to be used for free. Pertinent info: he's essentially a personal shopper but his specialty is figuring out the perfect gif t for people (hence the subtle title ::sigh::) by getting to know them really well. My presumption is this usually happens by targeted questioning about said person via the client, the more obscure stuff, but I'm writing this after the fact so I can't be sure. But I get the impression it usually isn't - really, it can't be - direct interaction with the person themselves, because the surprise would be ruined. Unless he goes around being a lying liar all the time, and if there was a person - especially at the behest of a loved one - who integrated themselves into my life under false pretenses (read: anything other than they enjoy my company, I intrigue them, etc.) I would be both absolutely livid and absolutely crushed. We'll come back to this.

Side note: Let me tell you right now, re: former client - I love this chick, she is the highlight of the movie, the snark is real with her, she's upfront about the fact she's into our lead male, did I mention she's snarky? I liked her the minute she came on the screen, continued to like her up until her last scene (spoiler: no she's not a villain, she's just snark and if you don't like it, piss off).

Back to plot: basically, that's the "in" - she doesn't know that boyfriend hired him to figure out perfect present, all she knows is that this is boyfriend's old fraternity buddy who's a make-things-happen, got-connections-all-over sort of guy. And he's happy to help with the event, because that means he can use the opportunity of them working together to get info on her and essentially profile her - like for instance, when they were touring that house, when in kitchen, she snitches a macaroon (or one of those fat almond cookies from wedding showers with which I have a love-hate relationship), he makes a quick note of "sweet tooth".

Also to know, the relationship between her and boyfriend is struggling a little, so that's why he's going to the extra effort, and - spoiler alert - as I'm sure you've guessed he gets the shaft for his trouble. He's an okay guy, I guess, and I do give them props for not making him this complete dickhole or something, but with that comes the issue that you kinda feel shitty for him. On the other hand, it's only been a year and he's jonesing to get married and have kids, and she's like "Whooooaaaa". While I'm here, though, talking about secondary characters, I also have to shout out best friend who she's Skyping with off-and-on, she is dynamic and runs any scene they're in, every line is delivered realistically and casually, you feel like you're talking with a person in real life. Having said that? This is a weird, unneeded gimmick. Matter of fact, the character isn't needed at all, but if it had to be done then they should've just had her there, as the partner in the charity.

Regarding casting: it's cool that Terre Haute went into acting because she has these big, expressive eyes and I think it helps because she's not got an "it", if that makes any sense - as opposed to the ladies I mentioned above, there's not a dynamic presence, at least in this she's easily forgettable. Regardless of her character and dialogue, it's delivery that sells it, and while there's inflection and facial expressions (she's not flat, not at all), it still smacks of her just delivering lines. And that's fine! There's a need for actors who are on it and that the studio gets what they pay for, that they do what they're hired to do. My point is, she's serviceable and I think in a meaty role she could step up. He's great but also only serviceable in this particular movie, and I honestly don't know what else these two could've done - while the idea of the story is decently creative (though event planner - which he essentially is - has been done, and done better), it plays out as pretty much how you'd think. I'm typing this as I'm about an hour in, and here's my guess: Yes, she'll end up falling for him but she'll also be pissed when she finds out that he's been collecting facts on her, regardless of the reason. Also I predict that in rich gal's moves to get dude, she'll be the one to go "You know that he's stuck around because he's fallen for you, right? That this ain't about the gift anymore?" and be the one to give her a kick in the. At least, that's what I'd write.

Because the alternative is actually realistic, which is that she says what I said above: you ingratiated yourself under false pretenses, when we started having feelings for each other - or at minimum when we started being friends - you should've told boyfriend you couldn't help with the present anymore, and told me the truth. Period. End of story.

I'll leave it here, I think. Watch if you want to see how it ends - not that it matters, of course she ends up with him. And I gotta go with my gut, here, even though this doesn't hit a ton of bingo squares, not at all, but the issue is it's.... well, it's not dragging, the pace is decent, it's just.... well, it's boring. It's *shrug*. It's meh. There's just no spark to it. I can't justify giving it a "Don't miss this one!" type of rating. It's a "Maybe you'll enjoy it", "Not entirely a waste of time" sort of jam. Which makes me wonder why I wrote so much on this.... eh, I'm avoiding housework.

3/5 stars

Northern Lights of Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Ashley Williams, and that's the only cast that matters... besides, won't recognize anyone else)

Let it be said that anything with Ashley Williams, I'm giving a minimum of 3 stars. That's the lowest it can possibly get, merely due to her presence. She's a great actress, and I don't just mean by Hallmark standards, she should be in all the things, that's how magnetic and scene-stealing she is. No, I'm not her cousin or something. I've just yet to dislike her in anything I've seen her in, she even lit up the screen in How I Met Your Mother which going up against Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders and Jason Segel (I don't mention the guy that played Ted because beyond not liking the character, I will never understand that casting).

Now, stay with me, here. Because this is one of the more ridiculous summaries on one of these things (and by "things" I mean Hallmark and/or Lifetime Christmas movies, AND I MEAN IT WITH LOVE OF COURSE) that I've seen. *clears throat*

"Zoey has been working hard to own her own plane but everything changes when she inherits a reindeer farm."

If you're anything like me, my What The Fuck radar shot right up. The story is she's left a reindeer farm/ranch by the old man who taught her how to fly who has, obviously, died. And by "farm/ranch", I mean 2 reindeer and y'all, again, huge props when Hallmark bothers to have real animals on these farms and ranches they make their settings, double points when the characters interact with them. So by flying, they mean Cessna-type planes, though we're about 25 minutes in and I've seen no plane. Anyway, she lives in Seattle now (our setting is Alaska) and is a commercial pilot but as summary says, she wants her own. For crop dusting? I have no idea why, they don't really say (or haven't yet) if it's for personal reasons or a new career venture.

Ashley - and I won't be calling her by her character's name in any of these, get used to it - meets the live-in handyman/animal tender/etc. person who is a real pill. Like, he's not exactly rude but I'd just call him brusque and blunt. He initially wants to quit even though he's paid through the winter, but she convinces him to say explaining she needs him to be a partner of sorts, help her decide who she should sell the place to. Ashley grows on him when he sees that even though she had to move away, she genuinely cared about Gus and his wife (the dude who died and his wife who had died prior) and the farm/ranch (they call it both dunno why I think ranch suits better) and that she's a hard worker.

Gus and wife were beloved by the town, and they did it up right at Christmas - part of the barn where the reindeer aren't chillin' is filled with decorations, most notably a sleigh, and it's not lost on me that they're way up north, there's reindeer, there's that sleigh, and he taught her to fly. I mean, "Gus" and not "Kris" or "Nick", but we'll see where this is going. Oh, also? Wife had a box of recipes that Ashley's best friend (whose hubby is the son of the cranky man who owns the local hang-out diner, Americana-type restaurant in town, the menu of which she's always trying to nudge him to add new things) was dying in particular to find a certain cookie recipe that everybody in town loved because she's always wanted to know how to make them. Sounds like Mrs. You-Know-Who To Me. But again, not enough info, I'm writing this as I go, but I tell you I almost don't want it to turn out as that, I like the inference much better. May dock a star if they go full-court-press You Know Who.

I'm eating homemade soup for breakfast because it's getting really nippy here, and there's no oatmeal. I just felt the need to share this with you. I mean, it's hella awesome soup, I'm a good cook. I heated it up during the part where she's going around telling people she's doing up the old Christmas festival like it used to be, the one Gus and wife would host at the ranch. Her angle is, she wants to attract the right sort of people as buyers, people who get the small town mentality and want to keep the ranch essentially the way it is, and people are pumped and excited about the booths they'll have and the food and the post-fair barn dance, and I got bored. Not painfully bored, just wishing-they'd-speed-this-up bored. Put it this way: I was able to make coffee and walk the dog and flip the stove on and heat up said soup whilst only needing to pop in to look at the TV to make sure I hadn't missed something. I hadn't. I get it's necessary, I just think it could've been montaged instead of introducing us to a bunch of side characters by name and hearing what they're gonna do, all we need is showing us their faces during montage, then we'll see them and what they're doing at the fair. Because they're inconsequential to the story. This is classic Hallmark padding runtime when it's simply not needed, not everything has to take up a 2 hour time slot.

Hey, if you want good soup, go on and cook the veg you'll be adding a little more than halfway, and *then* add it to your base, which should consist of some water, yeah, but either beef broth or chicken broth (or I guess veg broth, but gross), your choice, and the other trick is to set it on low and go about your day, homemade soup's better when left to do its own thing over time. I've digressed.

Ah, charter flights. That's what she plans on doing. She mentions it because she's calculating how much she's invested getting stuff up to speed and cost of festival. We've still yet to see Gus' plane. Also, I don't care much for the leading man, he's Dollar Store Brett Dalton (Ward from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and if you're familiar with Dalton, I'm telling you that all you'll be thinking is "Damn, Brett Dalton would've cleaned up in this role", because this dude's a bit flat. Dalton's been in one of these cheese Christmas movies, too, so the chance is there; matter of fact, he should be either above or below this in one of the other recently reviewed. I can't be bothered to look for the title. None of this matters, moving on.

We see them ride his motorcycle together to go out to the local airport - mainly cargo and quick charters and such - and wouldn't ya know it, the dude that owns/runs it is retiring at the end of the month. Hmmm, wonder where that's going. And I also wonder if this is where the plane Gus flew came from, if he picked up work there, too. If it's been said, I've missed it. Anyway, owner needed her because his dude is sick or something and he says it's 6 towns, mail delivery gig, she is jazzed because as she says "This is the longest I've been on the ground in a long time". Our co-lead doesn't like to fly but he does like to take pictures, so that's how she sells him on coming with her to deliver the stuff.

Kinda like You-Know-Who. Ahem.

Kudos to Hallmark for (a) not going with shitty FX folks, re: the greenscreen for when they're in the cockpit, and (b) for some nice aerial shots of somebody flying a plane. The aurora/northern lights effect also ain't bad. I mean, if you've seen photos of it, it almost looks fake anyway because it's one of those too-good-to-be-true natural occurrences that shouldn't be that vivid. It's like reverse of animal camouflage, I'm thinking specifically of octopi (apparently you can say octopuses now and it's acceptable, but it's not in this house) and if you've not seen that, get yourself to You Tube and get ready to be shocked at those undersea aliens. We've (okay I've) digressed again.

There's a moment of her reminiscing about Gus, but it's short, and this is when our leading dude learns she's gonna be going to Florida to be with her parents for Christmas, and I like this for two reasons: one, these pseudo-dead parents have only been brought up once in a sorrowful way, people have been focused on remembering the good times, and second, she's not leaving because she gives no shits about Christmas and is gradually learning to love it or the usual garbage, nor is she being called away for some career-related thing, it's a legit, understandable reason. Neither of those are getting a bingo square, because even though they may skirt the line, they're being done well.

All right, I'm not going to tell you the ending, because you should put it on your list. As whack-a-doo as the summary has it sounding, they make it work. So because of good casting and a solid script and a unique premise and tied up something in a great way (and because I got ever-so-slightly teary-eyed at one point shut up), this one gets a score of....

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars The Christmas Note - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars Northern Lights of Christmas - 4/5 stars The Santa Con - 4/5 stars

#5

Christmas A La Mode (Lifetime, 2019 - Katie Leclerc who I've never seen before in my life but who is quite good in this, and  Ryan Cooper who is really hot depending on the angle, that's the best way I can explain it)

Let me be clear: the *only* reason I am watching this is for y'all. Well, and I'm mending dog toys and need something to semi-stimulate my brain. The title is incredibly off-putting, it's too sweet right out of the gate. But I shall give it a chance.

Your basics are that a dairy farm was left to two sisters by their deceased father and the farm's been in the fam for several generations. Older sister has long since been in the city and sounds like she's some sort of real estate flipper (acquisition, buff up, then sell) because she and her partner, Sometimes Hot Guy (who frequently drops his American accent), are going to sell the farm to a dairy corporation... well, that's what we're told. Put a pin in that, shiftiness comes up later unnecessarily. Anyway, the agreement has a provision that one sister can buy out the other's shares and fully own, so little sis has to raise a hefty six figures in a short amount of time. Older sis is a major dick; having said that, the farm has been circling the drain for awhile now, so she ain't totally out of line.

The summary I saw neglects to mention that they also own an ice cream parlor in town that's typically closed during the winter because of course it is. But, I mean, Baskin Robbins and fro-yo joints and Ben & Jerry's stay open year-round, and yup they bank in hotter months, but why not keep making money? Throwing out stock over, what, 4 months of slow time? Is just stupid. No wonder they're going under. But all right, we'll let that go. Anyhow, her plan is to get some money via opening the ice cream parlor and doing a little contest for people to submit their best Christmas-themed flavors, and she'll whip 'em up, people can try them, then vote on the winner and the winner gets a year of free ice cream. She also does a crowd-funding site.

The summary also neglects to mention (and this is okay, it's supposed to be a plot "oooh") that business partner Sometimes Hot Guy is from the family who is essentially like Mrs. Fields or some shit. So there's this cute moment where her co-worker friend is like - You know, now that we are aware of this, we don't really need his recipe (he won't - and I guess, legally, can't - give it to her), we can just get them from the store. Yeah, co-worker. Yeah. But we can't have pie-baking scenes where she wipes flour off his cheek if they aren't in the same room together.

Oops, left out that part: the killer flavor is this pie he made for her mom mixed in with their vanilla and they call it, fuck my life, Christmas A La Mode.

Compliment: This actress is likely average size IRL (camera adding pounds and all, plus wardrobe didn't do her any favors on her lower half) but I mean in terms of body shape? She's built like a farm girl, she's got actual thighs and rosy, round cheeks, she's not some coathanger in skinny jeans up in there. I am applauding casting department wholeheartedly.... though they whiffed in that she and sis look *nothing* alike. Sis is discount Eva Green, and mom and leading lady are redheads. C'mon casting, just the hair color, that's all we're asking.

Issue: She's a really good actress, I was very pleasantly surprised. But initially there's something slightly juvenile about how she's playing this - "this" being determined to save the farm. She's kinda petulant and refusing to accept reality - and, I mean, maybe they save the farm now but with a disinterested sibling and a mother that's getting older, unless she cranks out some babies (read: farm hands) like, yesterday, I'm not quite sure how this is gonna be sustainable long-term.  (Granted she'll end up with incredibly wealthy pie guy, but I'm saying if she's a business owner, this is something she needs to learn.)

I'll tell ya this, talking about characterization, the gal playing the sister can flip a switch and play the cunt card like a dream, she's a scene-stealer, though my issue here is we have zero background on why she's ice queen about the farm save a mention that when they were little, she was always dying to leave farm life and go to the city. Right, fine, lots of farm kids I am sure feel this way, but why the vitriol? Why not sit down and be kind and explain the financial situation to her mom? Even if little sis is being a brat, why wouldn't she be kind to her mother? I'm fine with her being Bitchy Mc Cuntface, I just wanna know why.

Continuing from above about the pie - it's not just once, he tells her three separate times, and one of them vehemently (and then a follow-up of "You can't tell ANYBODY where these pies came from, say you found the recipe online or whatever") that he ain't telling her the recipe so she can make it herself. Which, I suspect this is gonna come back to bite her in the ass if it's not her original recipe. And it should be - anything they come up with needs to be theirs or else they owe $$$ to whatever the featured product is in a given flavor. So like, early on one of the flavors is Christmas Kiss and she comments that she unwrapped all the Hershey's kisses herself. Well sugarsnap I hope you have some sort of blanket licensing agreement because that ain't cool. You can buy other company's ingredients, of course, but when it's the core of it, the key feature of it, you're in trouble. That's why if a product's "cincher" revolves specifically around another company's product, it'll be noted clearly with a "C" copyright or "TM" or whatever, because that company is - and should be - getting a kick off the profits.

I bring this up because this is an excellent opportunity for a plot point - unless they partner with the pie company or get direct permission (and no, random son saying it's cool matters nothing to a board of directors) then they're out of line. An interesting storyline would be if sister finds out and threatens her that she has to stop or it's gonna mean big legal probs for Sometimes Hot Guy so if she doesn't want that, needs to let sis sell the farm. Then of course Sometimes Hot Guy comes in and says "Hey meet my dad, he owns the company and not only does he give permission but he's investing by way of making up the difference of whatever sum's left over so she can buy you out, Dollar Store Eva Green."  They've not given us any real reason to empathize with our villain of the story so go whole hog, keep her the villain.

All in all, we've ticked a good handful of squares, but we're not in danger zone, miraculously. And even though it ticked the farm box, I have to give compliments that for once one of these stories involving a farm has actual animals shown and the characters interacting with them. The side friend character is also fantastic, I wish I could see her in more stuff, she was great. I know I was nitpicky about the stuff I didn't like (and my resolution is close to the ballpark of what they end up doing.... my tweak is more interesting #humbly), so overall my non-nitpicky complaints are that (a) Sometimes Hot Guy is hit-or-miss with his acting, and (b) the ending scene is fine but they tack on this weird post-end scene that completely takes you out of the moment and is wholly unneeded. But because this was a creative attempt at a unique plot and - above all - our leading lady sells the shit out of it, the score is.....

4/5 stars

Rocky Mountain Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Lindy Booth who is great across the board, Kristoffer Polaha who I swear I've seen in something non-Hallmark but I'm not looking it up, and Treat Williams who is and has always been a solid actor)

Let's get the tropey-ness out the way: the bingo boxes this ticks are as follows - family home in danger of being lost; character(s) not really into Christmas for reasons; town festival/celebration; dead parent(s); somebody's famous; somebody owns a ranch; playing in the snow; I stopped counting but I think that’s all.

Lindy is an interior designer and is back home on the horse ranch not only because she had a bad breakup that was really public (a Zuckerberg-esque computer dude who broke up with her for an actress) but it's good because also turns out uncle (who, with his wife, raised her and brother after their parents basically dumped them) has been growing increasingly bummed missing his wife who died recently, and he's gonna sell the ranch. Now this famous dude shows up (I refuse to type "Kristoffer" continuously) and he wants to stay at the ranch and learn the life and horses and whatever for an upcoming movie role, and uncle and brother are actually cool with it even though she's all "Ehhhh..." understandably. But props to them, they do it right, he's put to work and has to stay in the bunk house and the whole nine yards, they ain't just having him follow them and observe or whatever.

She also makes it part of the deal that he's gonna help her finish getting the Christmas parade organized - and by the way, this isn't because she's a Christmas fanatic, it's because her aunt did it every year and she's doing it in her stead. And he is good natured about it, and is happily taking pictures with fans while they're out running errands and afterwards giving them flyers and being like "Here's a couple more, share with friends, you better come!" etc., and basically using his celebrity for good - he also combos it with getting donations at the same time when he gives the streetside bell-ringing Santa a coffee break,  and I genuinely liked this little touch, these are the touches that these canned movies miss that endear us to characters by showing us who they are, not telling us who they are.

The only part that really made me roll my eyes hard in terms of plot is that Lindy's brother (and good casting here, they click really well and are believable as bro and sis) happens to have dreams of being a Hollywood stuntman in the field of horses. Oh and also, their mom was an actress (not Hollywood, I mean working actress). It's just a little too much, we got the point that she's meh on Hollywood types given what she just went through, and the second you hear about brother's deal it's like "Yup, Actor Dude's gonna learn cool shit from him and then he'll get him work on the upcoming movie." I mean, duh. It's overkill. It's fine if it was like - Hey you have taught me so much, have you ever thought about trying to be a stuntman? I'd recommend you, etc. And it was definitely unneeded for the mom part. It's like: we got it. Really. And the songs used (2 if memory serves) are grating, to me, at least but you may disagree.

Otherwise, this is a unique story to my knowledge and the production value is good, and kudos to them for doing a ranch vs. a tree or poinsettia farm, and they actually got horses and had the actors riding/interacting with them - some of these other movies say they're a farm and there's not an animal to be seen and it's fucking weird. So lotsa props in this respect. Also great is that the rando pseudo-girlfriend is actually just a nice person, she's not fake, though I will say this part of the plot is hamfisted and not needed, it just served as a tiny divide between them, that she's shown up wanting to have a real relationship with him (it was a publicity thing, them being together), when the divide of her being gunshy about being with a celebrity was already there, it was fine, the writers didn't need to add anything else. (And also, she seems to care not one flip that he's spending more time with Lindy than herself, and on top of that she is way more into the brother anyway. ???? Ya got me.)

On the whole, this one's really good, it's not a waste of your time, most all the dialogue felt natural and even if shaky it was delivered naturally, everybody's acting is solid across the board, he's not a douche, she's not a bitch, and most importantly your two romantic leads have chemistry, and they got to know each other gradually, and she wasn't all starstruck so if you're into this particular trope and wanna see it done well, then check this one out.

4/5 stars

Matchmaker Santa (Hallmark, 2012 - Lacey Chabert, two basic bitch white dudes, an old man playing Santa who can't act, two really good character actresses who've each been in a lot of stuff, Florence Henderson who I just love seeing in anything, and John Ratzenberger who played Cliff on Cheers and who is a breath of fresh air in this stupidity)

Yup, stupidity. You heard me. This is somehow about the third time I've caught it, so I'm giving in. Boy howdy, does it suck.

Surface area irritation: Everybody's hair is from the 90s. I hated 80s hair but at least it had distinct style; the style of 90s was nobody had any idea what the hell they were doing, particularly when it came to styling and color. Our lead guy's haircut doesn't suit him and is too gelled and sticky-outy in the front (and second lead male, the cut suits him but same with gel and purposeful cowlick look), then Lacey's looks like Helen Keller did the color (at least when she's standing in certain light).

Here's some summary according to googlings because I'm not taking the effort:

As a little girl, Melanie Hogan wished to find her own Prince Charming, just like her parents found true love. Now an adult, Melanie is running her own bakery and dating a handsome CEO, Justin. Although things seem perfect when Justin asks Melanie to spend the holidays together at his beautiful lake house upstate, and meet his mother, Melanie finds herself spending more time with Justin's best friend and loyal assistant, Dean, who just might be harboring a secret crush on her. When complications arise that throw Melanie and Dean together over the holiday, will the two realize they're meant to be?

They get thrown together because best bud went to pick her up from airport, they run into Santa along the way and give him a ride, the car breaks down in a little town that's en route back to the lake so they stay the night. They then have to share a room :::sigh::: And of course as movie goes on, boyfriend is more concerned about anything but her though I will say he's not acting particularly dickish, it's more that he invited her for a romantic evening then planned this party to essentially introduce himself to the board of directors and also to spring introducing her to his (difficult, bitchy) mom all in the same weekend and didn't bother to tell her that the plans had changed. Also in a convoluted turn, his high school girlfriend is the daughter of the head of the board and his mom absolutely loves her, and honestly? She's better suited for him than ol' Lacey is anyway, they click better.

Lacey Chabert, IMO, is not a good actress because she plays the same character in everything she's in (excepting Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls), and that character is - I have to assume - Lacey Chabert. I mean she's fine in the sense of she isn't a talking stick, there's tone and inflection and actual facial expressions and all that, I'm saying that with the exception of Mean Girls I've never not been like "Yeah that's Lacey Chabert", I've never forgotten it's her. But I mean at least people know what they're gonna get when they hire her. Thing is, I've seen her in several of these movies now and I gotta say, if she's had chemistry with *any* of her male leads, I've yet to notice.

Bottom line: this story is just dumb. It's basic. There's nothing creative or noteworthy about it. Person makes Christmas (or birthday or falling star or New Year's or what-fuck-ever) wish when they were little and now it's coming true, and here comes romance. We've seen this and iterations of this a thousand times. Add in tropes, stir, bake at 350 til gold and bubbly. It is obvious nobody tried - except the Santa man, he tried, but he's ill-cast so oh, well. Flo Henderson and Ratzenberger ain't in it enough to help it skate by on charm. The pacing is bad, too, at an hour in we've only just gotten to the hotel.

Let me give you an example of how stupid this movie is: When boyfriend and old prom date are walking outside to leave to take her car to go pick them up from small town (where, by the way, they are presently dressed as elves and helping Santa I shit you not), glitter-shiny-whoosh-fade-in, it's a grizzly bear by the car growling, because ooooooh Christmas magic. I'm not against "magic" in these movies but can we be a little more subtle? I have no idea how the quality/old school actors got roped into this trash.

Also? If you make it to the end? The final scene is possibly one of the worst, most ridiculous, most implausible (yes, even for this movie) things I've ever witnessed in these movies. It gets a star for the good side character casting. 

1/5 stars

A Crown For Christmas (Hallmark, 2015 - Danica McKellar, other people)

The plot's what you think, re: see title.  He's a king, she's the nanny to precocious princess child. They have negative levels of chemistry, it's that bad.

As discussed last year, something's happened in the time since Wonder Years, and Danica McKellar absolutely positively cannot act. There was one exception (again, see last year) but that's one out of like, a half-dozen of these Christmas movies I've seen - or have *tried* to see - with her in them. 

This movie isn't worth a write-up, it's seriously that bad. The kid does remind me of a young Lindsay Lohan circa Parent Trap, and the guy playing the king is an okay actor. Problem is, the character of the king is a real bitch pussy. I hate this movie, even the sets and costumes look cheap. Ugh. Seriously, don't bother, it is garbage. 

0/5 stars

The Christmas Contract (Lifetime, 2018 - Hilarie Burton, Dannnnnnneeeeeeeeeel Ackles guest starring botox, a dude called Robert Buckley who seems familiar, apparently fourteen other people from an old-ass teen show called One Tree Hill which I never watched, Cheryl Ladd, Bruce Boxleitner, and Jason London who you will not recognize even a little, and you'll see this movie and think I'm wrong, and I'm not wrong, I swear it's Jason London, he's the brother in law, look it up)

I avoided this one last year for Reasons, but upon catching it again, it cannot be denied.

First, the ticked boxes: there's a Christmas festival. Pretend to be my boyfriend. Lots of Christmas activities. Someone is a lawyer. Someone is an author. Character demonstrates a talent.

Basically dude agrees to go with Hilarie back home and act like her boyfriend - they literally sign a literal contract - and while he's at it, he's supposed to be working on a ghostwriting assignment about romance wherein he's given a list of plot points and told that the characters have to tick off every item on the list. But he feels a little lost about how the scenes should play out so he starts sneaksy playing them out with Burton under the guise of "Hey we need to make this look good for everyone".  There's an ex boyfriend who reveals the plan, which, you know, whatever, by this point they're genuinely into each other, but it's when she finds out that he's essentially using her for a book plot, she understandably gets pissed.

I will give 'em this: no one went bugfuck crazy with affecting super thick Creole accents or something. And minus Ackles and some of the randoms (Ackles in particular cannot act in a natural manner to the point it's distracting in any given scene), everybody can act. Burton especially deserves to be in higher caliber stuff. And she and the lead dude have solid chemistry. She has chemistry with everybody, honestly, she's just a good actor, period. Well, at least in this, it's not like I've seen her in tons of stuff. But I recall liking her in White Collar. Okay, I digress.

Irksome is that music is a featured artist so I don't know if this is another friend of theirs from that old show, or something? If so then hey, meta. But his music plays a couple times, then they even have him in person at the festival or whatever it is, and we get to hear him sing "live" and so that all takes up precious minutes we'll never get back. I mean, he can carry a tune and all, it's just that it's basic bitch music. And he actually pimps his album, it's awkward. Now, I will say the score itself though is overall great, really a step up from the usual fare in these movies. They do have a moment where she is supposedly playing fiddle and it looks horrible. I don't care if she can play in real life (I'm not looking it up), the way it was filmed, then, made it look as if she can't, and I don't know why they did this, it was completely unnecessary.

There's some schlock (especially the end), and family's just a hair too far on the shmoop side, but it's not intolerable. Also good is that Ackles' screentime is limited. I can't express enough what a poor actor she is, but again, as I've said about others, this is a prime example: if you dream of becoming an actor, someone has hired this person and therefore you can get hired, too. Here's the thing: it is such a shitty plot, so lazy. This is one of the granddaddies of all the tropes. I mean, the official summary doesn't mince words--- "It’s Jolie’s first time going back home to Louisiana since her devastating break up with Foster . Seeing him is inevitable as their parents run the town’s annual Christmas Market together, but when she discovers Foster is bringing home a new girlfriend, Jolie cannot bear the thought of going home alone and seeing them together." ---so you can't say you didn't know what you were getting into.

But.

And I can't believe I'm saying this.

Minus a slightly stilted kick-off the pace is even, the chemistry of the leads (+ with her family) is there, they elevate some dialogue that in other hands could've been clunky, we've got a unique setting that isn't fucking Vermont and snowing (blessedly this means we have no awkward snowball fights and snowman making and pine tree cutting down and snow angel making and ice skating), they show her making hot chocolate but there's no big gingerbread cookie making scene so that's refreshing, and nobody is like coked-up elves about Christmas, they dig it, they run a fair at this time of year, but no one's foaming at the mouth over it.

I do have to dock it stars because of the music thing and because of the premise of it - we could've gotten to this same place differently, re: these 2 people who don't really like each other needing something that the other can provide without it having to do with the chick being insecure over another guy. On the other hand? Burton doesn't play it insecure, she is not weepy or looking longingly at the ex or what-have-you, she's actually dodging him for the most part. Because of that, I'll give a star back. And if they'd not done the hamfisted music thing with that guy it'd probs be 5. In any event, the ending was pretty damned good and creative.

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars

#4

Fir Crazy (Hallmark, 2013 - Eric Johnson and Sarah Lancaster, both of whom I've liked in non-Hallmark stuff and both of whom are good actors, and Colin Mochrie who is typically a delight but is miscast here)

I could've sworn we did this one last year but nope.  Anyway, out of the gate we're kickin' it on the bingo card: somebody isn't into Christmas, family owns a tree farm, family business in danger of being lost, precocious children - but it doesn't tick too terribly many.

So she gets laid off from her big city exec job but it is kind've fortuitous because her parents' prime time for the family business is upon the horizon, because Christmas, and because they have a tree farm upstate (we're in NYC). Since she's got free time, she calls a headhunter and is like "Holla when shit comes up" (a side plot we don't need, as well as smarmy ex-boyfriend, neither were needed, just have her lost job), as she has to run the tree lot in the city this year because for some reason the parents can't, I forget why, so it's basically her and her cousin (who is great) trading off staying nights in the trailer they've got parked next to this sidewalk area that the fam has had an agreement with the city to rent for a bazillionty years now.

Okay, so, the store next to where the sidewalk area is, is some accessories-furniture-type thing (Restoration Hardware-esque, but more expensive, but looks cheaper) and the owner is a real Scrooge. That's Mochrie's role, which is why I say he's miscast, and it's a shame. He should've been allowed to be in a fun role because I think the intent was for his character to be snarky-funny but it's just coming off as obnoxious, so it's not fun (though of course, this is a Hallmark movie, so he un-Scrooges by the end). But as far as good characters - there is this one little girl who is a hoot and the barista had me chuckle once, too.  Then we meet this great couple who bounce off each other well and are just completely wonderful and they come in at about 45 til the end and it's a shame they weren't utilized more. Actually all the side characters are great, from the homeless man who they hire to the manager of the store to the customers.

And your leads click, both in ease of convo and believability that they could be romantic, though only to about the 90% mark - I could see them as best friends more (it's one of the poorer kisses I've seen in romance movies, eeeek), but both are charming and likable and nothing is shmoopy. Seriously, there's no barfy shmoop in this movie, there's sweetness and sincerity. Plus, even though it's tree farm trope, this is creative. It's putting them smack in the middle of NYC instead of everybody being upstate. I say that to say, it's a mix of hometown (a "forest" as it were) and the city (though we're not subjected to the typical ice skating at Central Park and the like) and hey, I'm even gonna give it props for the title being only mildly eye-roll cutesy and ::gasp!!:: not having "Christmas" or "tree" in it.

Guys, this one's solid. The only thing that's not smooth is the store owner being a PITA angle, so it gets a touch grating, like, you know what's coming so you're more than ready for them to get on with it, but that's really the only thing that is a hitch in the pacing, otherwise this one is worth your time.

4/5 stars

The Nine Lives of Christmas (Hallmark, 2014 - Brandon Routh, Kimberley Sustad)

Official Summary: 

Fireman Zachary Stone (Routh) is a confirmed bachelor who doesn’t believe in love or commitment. When a stray tabby cat named Ambrose shows up at his door, Zachary takes him in and slowly starts to see that a little companionship might not be so bad after all. Zachary’s commitment to solitude is further challenged when he meets Marilee (Sustad), an animal lover and veterinary student who teaches Zachary how to care for his new feline roommate.

Nope.

1/5 stars, don't even need to see it, and that 1 star is because Brandon Routh is awesome

Welcome To Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Jennifer Finnigan, Eric Mabius - both of whom I recognize from non-Hallmark stuff)

So, Christmas is the name of the town.

We're getting fucked, just right out of the gate. ::sigh::

Squares ticked: town in danger of being lost, dead parent, children, somebody's not into Christmas (the holiday, not the town), celebration/festival in town. shmoopy activities, main characters sing carols, etc.

All right, she's a real estate something-or-other who's there to scope out the joint for development purposes. They tell the town everything will be the same, just that they'll have a ski resort and it will bolster income. However, towards the end, she discovers the firm does want to modernize the town, and blah blah blah you know where this is going.

I thought of, right off the top of my head, three other movies with this plot, one of which we just covered in the last entry.

He is the handsome sheriff with the dead wife and two adorable daughters who, of course, immediately take to her. I mean, this is just basic bitch shit, there is nothing original whatsoever about any of this. The leads have chemistry and both are good actors. Matter of fact I really like Mabius, he is talented and haaaaaandsome, I wish he were the lead in all these.

It's the standard fare, you may like it, but otherwise it's fine background noise. Other than an intolerable song at about the 20 'til mark. * cringe *

3/5 stars

Switched For Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Candace Cameron Bure x 2, Eion Bailey and Mark Deklin, both of whom you'll recognize)

Mentioned this last year but for whatever reason didn't go over it. Again, and I'll keep saying it - no matter how shitty the script, Candace elevates everything she's in, but in this case the script ain't shitty, it's actually a solid premise, however fantastical. Chris and Kate (both Candace, of course) are identical twins and they decide to switch places for Christmas. Several people are in on the secret - Chris has 2 older (teen/pre-teen) kids and they are pretending to be her niece and nephew around the dude who becomes her romantic interest because... reasons? I'm not certain. But their dad also knows the scoop, which I actually liked because there ain't no way any of those 3 would've been fooled so it was - shockingly for Hallmark movie - sensible.

Here's Hallmark's summary that tells more about why they did it:

"Just because they are identical does not mean these twins even like each other. Estranged twin sisters get together for an obligatory pre-Christmas lunch, a year after their mother's death. Both women are unhappy and frustrated with their own lives. Though not close, each is envious of the other's life. What's a twin to do but take advantage of this? And who would be the wiser? They do what any identical twins in need of new outlooks would do: they swap lives until Christmas Day, and by doing so, each woman discovers the true meaning of her life and gains a deeper perspective and appreciation for what she already had."

They each fall for somebody, and the dudes in turn fall for them, but the issue is that the twins think they've fallen for the personality/the life/etc. of the opposite twin so they each kinda feel like they aren't the one the dude is interested in, that they're into the other sister.  These guys should be pissed but they aren't, not really. I'll let you guess the end.

Your three leads are awesome, all can act, and - as said - especially Candace, and this had to be exhausting to pull off. Not only is each scene probably done at least couple times to get a handful of takes, she has to double-back and do it more times because of the opposite twin role. The amount of lines she had to memorize is astounding, not to mention developing two different characters with different (although not drastically) personalities. She nailed it.

Bottom line: this movie could've gone trash in a hot minute, but it didn't, because they did some stellar casting (Candace's daughter Natasha actually plays her daughter) and everyone can actually act. The premise is unrealistic and likely unsustainable for longer than a couple days in real life (the mention of them being "estranged" is particularly odd to me because there's definitely no way they'd be able to pull this off without being close so that they knew a lot about each other's lives), but what saved it was, like I say, the sensibility of having some key players in the know who supported them. This also, surprisingly, didn't tick a ton of bingo boxes, and I didn't find it a waste of my time. It's a fun flick, I'm only dinging it for the making estranged thing and the dudes not being more upset for being lied to than they were because in whack-a-doo stories, you gotta write everything else as real as possible so that the audience is more accepting of the whack-a-doo, and they slipped a touch there.

4/5 stars

I have two stupid ones for you to avoid that are just over-acted and either totally ridiculous + poorly acted (the first one) and totally typical + poorly acted (the second one). Let's just make this quick for all our sakes:

Magic Stocking (Hallmark, 2015 - nobody you'll know... well maybe this dude called Victor Webster, he's actually decent, hate he got stuck in this dreck) Official summary:

"Lindsey, a single mom with an adorable daughter, is closed off to life after losing her husband a few years back. When she buys a stocking at her town’s Christmas craft fair, the family begins “magically” finding items in the stocking that they learn have importance in their lives."

It's schlock and just plain insulting to your intelligence, and I didn't give a shit if they got together or not, something about the leading lady worked my nerves. I didn't need her to believe in the "magic", I just needed her to be able to investigate it without being so dialed up to 11 about it, she looked like she was close to exploding in the majority of it.

And....

Christmas At Pemberley Manor (Hallmark, 2018 - that chick Jessica Lowndes from that movie we covered in prior entries who can't act, and Michael Rady who you may recognize, too)

I mean, she can't act, so it's irritating the whole way through the basic bitch plot. Also? Check what they did with the names, which is absolutely positively insulting, and Austen has triple Salchow'd in her grave. Official summary:

"As Christmas approaches, Elizabeth Bennett, a New York event planner, is sent to a quaint, small town to organize their holiday festival. When she arrives, she finds William Darcy, a high-profile billionaire lacking in holiday spirit, in the process of selling the charming estate she hoped to use as a venue. Determined to make her event a success, Elizabeth persuades the reluctant Darcy to let her hold the festival on the historical estate once known for its holiday cheer. When they wind up working together to arrange the festivities, the unlikely pair begins falling for each other. But when complications arise and the festival is unexpectedly shut down, the couple parts ways and Darcy moves forward with his plans to sell the estate. On the night before Christmas, a wistful Elizabeth hopes for a Christmas miracle to revive the festival, save the estate and rekindle her holiday romance."  

For both of them: 1/5 stars

Here's your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars

#3

Picture A Perfect Christmas (Hallmark, 2019 - Merritt Patterson who is familiar to me from other of these movies, and a dude who I've never seen before in my life)

We kick off the movie with single dad who has custody of his nephew, and they're talking about how they have to pick out a new nanny for him for the two weeks kid is off school for the holidays and Uncle Daddy has big shit going on at his office. Then we cut to her, and she's having dinner with her boyfriend, who she is completely uninterested in even though right now he seems like a pretty decent dude. We cut to see that kid's babysitter is an elderly woman (their neighbor) who is really nice and mentions her granddaughter... or niece, I can't remember even though I just heard it... and guess who she is, and she's coming to visit?

This is what kills me about Hallmark movies: They front load you with so much information that you're like "Baaaahhh!", and then they drag out the movie, and then it abruptly ends. 

Okay, it's her grandma. And she's on a Christmas pageant planning committee. (Box ticked) Kid's an orphan, so dead parents. (Box ticked) And of course, kid himself, who is precocious and will likely bring everyone together. (Box ticked) I have to take a shower, I bet money I can be away from this movie for 15-20 minutes and not miss a damn thing. Let's find out, for science.

[time passes]

Yeah, I've missed nothing. Here's what's kind've odd - it's like she's falling for the kid and not him. They have zero chemistry, and it's like she's wanting more to be the kid's mom than wanting to be this dude's wife. Also, his haircut is really distracting, it is some kinds of awful.

Okay, well, this is just cookie-cutter. There's nothing remarkable or original or super-egregious about it. So if you just want something to pass time, here you go.

3/5 stars

Mingle All The Way (Hallmark, 2018 - chick named Jen Lilley who should be in more shit, and dude named Brant Daugherty who is discount John Krazinski but still great)

I checked, and we talked about this one last year so I'll re-post the scoop below, but anyway it came on and I re-watched it while I was ironing, and it holds up, it's just solid from top to bottom. I rated it 4/5 last year, but it's getting top score this year upon reconsideration, because there's so few flaws. It's creative, the script has sharpness to it, and acting's good across the board, and most importantly our 2 leads click. Here's what I wrote last year:

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it’s clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that’s not a dating app, it’s purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it’s not just family, or friend party that’s not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s supposed to be like “And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business”. Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well… not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like “Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?” and since she’s got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom’s on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it’s compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She’s not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he’s not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn’t invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he’s only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I’ve experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I’ve digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up (‘cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There’s touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck.

5/5 stars

Last Vermont Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Erin Cahill, Justin Bruening - both of whom I recognize)

Hey guess what, this may be their last Vermont Christmas. ::sigh:: Main chick and her 2 sisters and her daughter (single mom, dead husband, box checked, as well as adorable child, check) have converged on the family home in Vermont to find that mom and dad are selling, and I get it, it's huge and they're ready to scale down because they're retired. But, selfishly, one of the sisters - oh, and PS? they look *nothing* alike, casting couldn't even be bothered to get women with the same hair color - decides to sabotage things. So like, when the inspector comes, she and her sorta boyfriend follow him around and make little comments about stuff like termites, then they made sure the fuse box had all kinds of fat wires with caps protruding out of it - you know, like what you'll find if you're changing a light fixture, which is not how fuse boxes work - and I think there was something with some steps.

Anyway none of this matters. What matters is that lead dude is a contractor and is also lead chick's ex from way-back-when, before she met man of dreams and had daughter and moved away to some far off state, I wasn't paying attention. But they get along great and are occasionally a little cheeky with each other, so that's fine. So now he's around doing these faux repairs and they're kind and looping him into their Christmas stuff, which they are disgustingly picture perfect. They cut down their own tree. They go caroling. They bake cookies. They hand-make their ornaments every damn year. I hate them. Well, the writers. It's too much. That was all in roughly the first 45 minutes, too. I'm sure some families out there take it to the mat with Christmas, but holy shit. Okay, add gingerbread houses from scratch (they made sure to show the baking pan with more squares so you know this) to the list. 

This is blowing up the bingo like 'Nam. There's now a snowball fight. Family tree decorating scene with, of course, these special handmade ornaments plus ornaments from years past where they're recalling special times. Ohmigawd, I need to fill out a card for this one, it's insane, I almost can't keep up. Oop, "Grandma's special hot chocolate". Character demonstrates talent (one of the sisters, singing). I legit am not lying, these are coming so fast I'm having trouble keeping up.

He's also somehow in cahoots with the realtor, because he had committed to buying the house, but he says it doesn't feel right now that he's back to getting chubs from his ex, and she's like "Well if you don't then we're still gonna settle up" and I have no idea what that means, does that mean she expects him to pay her the commission she'd have gotten? Is this normal practice? Realtors must have stuff fall through all the time, they'll end up selling and get a commission and who knows, maybe at a better price, so.... ????? The hell? 

Speaking of him, two things: one, his name is Nash (heh) and two, I went to imdb to check the summary to see if I forgot/missed anything and the reviews are hilarious, a ton of them mention how distracting his hair is - he just has lots of it, seems really thick, and it's shaved tight on the sides, so he's got a decent amount atop his dome, but it's only really noticeable when it's slicked straight back. But people were losing their shit over it. I don't find it that distracting, but you may, I find youngest sister's perpetually greasy 1970s hair (not her fault, that's hair and make-up's fault) more irritating.

Okay, so, there's no way this can get a 3, there's too much bingo hits. But aside from that, the acting - especially from youngest sister, who overacts - is very stilted and unnatural, and on occasion the editor left in these pauses in dialogue that are just a touch too long, so I think that's part of the issue. I don't mind the story at all, it's not something we see all the time and thank the lord it's not "family business in danger" - though oh shit, I forgot, this counts as "family home in danger", so there's another square. This is trope-a-palooza. Wait, snowman building. Town has celebration. Okay, I'm done listing, I think we all know where this has to go.

1/5 stars

Reunited At Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Nikki Deloach, who you'll recognize, and other character actors you'll recognize)

So lead chick's mom and dad are making everything weird with all these passive-aggressive comments about the past via mom and shmoopy comments about the past via dad. (They're divorced so I can't figure why they're all shacked up in this house for Christmas with their adult children and their partners.) Lead chick also agreed to her boyfriend's proposal - and he seems like a great guy - even though she's not ready, which is mature. At least within about 10 mins. of it happening she ponies up that she's not into being engaged, and he's a good actor, and it really is kinda sad, I feel for him. So he's all - Imma finish chopping this wood then head back to spend Christmas with my family and we'll regroup after the holidays, and she's all "For real?!" and I'm all "Are you surprised?!"

Y'all this one bored me, I didn't make it past roughly the first 45 minutes, I just didn't care if they got back together and I presume based on the title that they do. Nobody's acting was egregious or anything, it was just slogging and I wasn't engaged because this plot isn't creative at all - I mean, here's the official summary:

Frazzled and struggling with writer's block, novelist Samantha (Deloach), along with her boyfriend, heads home to her late grandmother's home to spend Christmas. While at home with family, her grandmother's wise words reveal the true meaning of Christmas with Samantha at a time when she most needs encouragement.

But again, based on the first part, that doesn't seem to be the plot - I mean seriously, we go through all this family activities stuff, and her and the boyfriend having several different conversations about the not wanting to be engaged thing (one at skating rink, one whilst he's chopping wood, one while back at the house), so there's literally no real mention of grandma by that point, and we're almost at an hour what with commercial breaks and such. So that's it. That's all they've accomplished in basically the first half of the movie. And they managed to hit a bunch of squares (someone's an author, someone gets engaged, skating, tree decorating, baking, etc.) and I'm sure there was more to come. It's the pacing that kills this one, as well as the basic bitch plot, but hey it'll serve as background noise.

2/5 stars  

Small Town Christmas (Hallmark 2018 - Ashley Newbrough who is poor man's Denise Richards, Ryan McDonell who you'll recognize and is a really good actor)

She's an author (check box) on a national book tour and her last stop is the town she's from, upon which the book is based, and her name is Nelle and you'll remember this because for some reason every time someone speaks to her they have to say her name. Okay, maybe not *every* time but it caught my ear, even when I was distracted doing something else or had stepped into another room, they just say her name *constantly* and I don't get it.  The bookstore owner is an almost-was from the past, and there was some mix-up back when they both lived in New York about her leaving him a note and saying to meet her for some reason but he didn't show because turned out he had to leave because his sister had unexpectedly died, but then also he'd written her a letter explaining that she never got but he assumed she got and never contacted him. But then she had texted him a few times over the years and he'd never responded. Because everyone is twelve. I'm not tracking with this completely, though I do get the feeling of just wanting to let something go and let it be in the past. 

Anyway, more drama is that his sister had died so he - name is Emmett - has custody of niece, who is a great little actress and not one bit irritating, she's very cool. Also, her dynamic with uncle is great and like I say, he's a fantastic actor. Poor man's Denise Richards is fine, too, I've got no complaints, honestly. Also pleasant are the peripheral characters of the townspeople. Seriously, across the board, nobody is annoying or eye-rolly, everyone's acting is natural. All right, so close-knit town and some drama is that Brad, this real estate agent who's repping a big dawg firm wants to essentially buy up the town, at least the entirety of the main street/the shops to redevelop, and the part that's cool is that they all talk about it reasonably - some of them being hold outs, some of them really considering it - like adults, nobody's fighting or being douchebags. Then it gets to where the last hold-out is Emmett and he's thinking of Marnie, the kid, because this was her mom's store and so it's technically hers though he has power of attorney. 

Also happening is that Brad is trying to sell the investors on the fact that this town is Ideal Christmas Place, that it's super traditional and the townsfolk do it up right and whatnot, and they are thus far not impressed by what they are seeing. ???? I don't get it, if they want to redevelop then aren't they more concerned about the land/the property value? I'm missing something. Emmett finally agrees and Nelle fusses at him and because Brad's been into her, he's shared what the plan really is with her, and she swipes his notebook and shows Emmett "Look this is some shitass mall or something, you dun goofed". And Brad whiffed because the promise was that the stores would be left alone and they'd all still work there/be the management, it'd just be owned by the corporation and - oh I get it now, they want it to be a big tourist town like thing during the winter holiday seasons. Okay, gotcha. Anyway, I'll let you guess how everything turns out in the end.

I actually liked this one, it could've gone majorly shmoop and tropey fast - I mean, it popped on more than a few bingo squares (bookstore owner, dead parents, author, Christmas tree decorating, town festival/celebration, family business is in danger of being lost, child character) but again, the whole vibe of this movie is casual and natural and it flows and the pacing is on point. The reason for their initial fall-out is a bit "Huh?" but I appreciate that it wasn't something complicated, it was more to real life which is that it is more often than not that it's silly little misunderstandings that drive us apart and if we'd just friggin' speak the hell up, we'd realize it's not a big deal. The two leads really clicked and that was so nice to see since the majority of these movies they don't. Guys, this is one worth watching, I'm only dinging it because too many squares were hit.

4/5 stars

The Christmas Card (Hallmark, 2006 - Ed Asner, Alice Evans, John Newton)

Ed Asner is a gift, and I won't hear otherwise. You'll also recognize the two leads, I've seen them in other stuff. And no, that date's not wrong, this is an oldie and by my estimation these Hallmark movies get more solid on the whole the further back you go, it's like they gave a fuck about nuance in the script vs. recycling plots for the most part so they can crank these babies out like rabbits in perpetual heat. I suspect that's the reason for the 2 star rating you'll see when you hit "info" on the remote. But fuck that, because here's a factoid - other than that I'm about to give this one a 5 (spoiler), Ed Asner was nominated for a Primetime Emmy for it, so I assure you, it's better than that 2 star will indicate.

So here's the first part of the plot from Wikipedia:

In the midst of war in Afghanistan, U.S. Army Master Sergeant Cody Cullen (John Newton) is given a Christmas card from a fellow soldier who had received it from his hometown, Nevada City, California. The card was sent by Faith Spelman (Alice Evans). As months pass, the card never leaves his side. Cody, who has no family, and whose father was killed during the Vietnam War, is deeply affected when the soldier who gave him the card is killed. A few weeks before Christmas, Cody travels to see the soldier's widow, back in Nevada City. Just as he is about to leave town, Cody runs into Faith at a local luncheonette, where they happened to have placed identical orders. They part, but on his way out of town, Cody saves Faith's father, Luke (Ed Asner), from being hit by a speeding car. Luke takes a liking to Cody and convinces him to stay on as temporary help at his family's logging company. Paul (Ben Weber), Faith's longtime boyfriend who travels much of the time, and who selfishly wants Faith to move away from her close-knit family in Nevada City, arrives to meet her.

Everyone nails it. You believe that a part of Faith genuinely cares about the asscrack who's been stringing her along, and that actor nails the whole dickbag routine without being so obnoxious it makes you want to drop-kick the TV. Cody is quietly charming and sells you on the fact that yes, he loves her, and so much that he's not willing to potentially ruin her life, even if it's a life without him. Ed Asner is perfection in his role as the loving and slightly meddlesome dad. The mom is great. The friend is great. All the side characters are great. There is not a bit of cheese in this movie, nothing is tropey, nothing is schlocky, it's just heartwarming. And there are *zero* of the typical cliche elements that arise in these movies featuring troops/veterans. It was so goddamned refreshing as compared to 95% of what Hallmark cranks out now, I genuinely can't believe this is from the same braintrust. 

If it comes on, do yourself a favor and watch it. 

5/5 stars 

Here’s your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars

#2

Christmas Made To Order (Hallmark, 2018 - THE DUDE WHO PLAYED AARON SAMUELS IN "MEAN GIRLS"!!!! and a chick who can't act even a little bit)

I cannot emphasize how bad an actress the leading lady is, it is painfully bad. It's not as intolerable as Kellie Pickler, but she's a close damn second. That's how bad it is. I looked her up to see who the fuck would've ever hired her, her name is Alexa Pena Vega, which I tell you so you can immediately change the channel if you see her name in the credits. The only thing from fairly recent past that's of note is that she appeared in 7 episodes of the TV show "Nashville", 90% of what she's done I've never heard of but she's had steady work since she was a kid, and I tell you this because you, too, can be an actor if this person can. 

This movie's plot is bland, the script is stilted, the tone is shmoopy, the pacing is draggy, and it hits way too many bingo squares. Everything about it is irritating. The part that irritated me most was where they're singing "Angels We Have Heard On High" and when getting to "in excelsis deo" they pronounce it "egg-shell-sees", which is wrong, it's more like "eck-chel-sees", hitting that "ch" and last "s" light. I've sang in choirs in Carnegie Hall not once, but twice, you can trust me. There, now you know. 

I feel sorry for Aaron Samuels (Jonathan. His name is Jonathan Bennett. I'm sorry also that everyone, including me, probably calls him Aaron Samuels). He ain't that great in this, and I feel like it's because of the material/people he had to work with. The peripheral family members are overall kind've stiff or something, too. So maybe this is also a director issue? But ol' Alexa, man, she is of the suck, high school kids do better than this. I'm not bothering to give you the summary... I mean, it's basically the title, she's a Christmas party coordinator who's hired by him. I will say I'm happy it reminded me I need to pull a recipe for crockpot mulled cider, so there's that. I'll give it a star for that. We'll file this under background noise, because if you pay attention to it, she's gonna work your nerves then squeeze the last. 

1/5 stars 

Holiday For Heroes (Hallmark, 2019 - Marc Blucas, Melissa Claire Egan)

This one ain't too terribly bad. It's the second military-at-Christmas movie that Blucas has been in for Hallmark (that I've seen) and I have to confess, I was subconsciously comparing that one to this one because that one was pretty damn good (see last year's list, linked above). But Blucas is a really solid actor, everything I've ever seen him in, it comes off naturally. Having said that, I feel like he's been some sort of military something-or-other in most everything I've seen him in (*waves to fellow Buffy fans*), so it could just be he's nailing this shtick. 

She's a little too Mary Poppins - you know, practically perfect in every way - except without the sass, so it's saccharine but I don't blame her, she seems a decent actress who's playing the cards she's been dealt. One of those cards is that her phone ring is a Christmas carol. ::sigh:: I actually laughed out loud at the skating part because any full shot to where you could potentially see her face coupled with a body that had feet wearing skates was either super-far away like they were filming from Mars or, I shit you not, her face was obscured by a hockey net. Girl, it's cool if you got weak ankles or were traumatized by a zamboni or something. But like, don't take the role, ask for a summer movie. 

Okay, here's the problem - this movie is pretty boring. I looked at the clock probably every thirty minutes because I kept thinking "This has to be getting close to the end, right?" These two don't have any romantic chemistry, but they click, it's just I could picture them playing more brother and sister. But the story is blah, I simply didn't care about her getting her party to happen and yeah, it's not for personal, self-serving reasons, it's for a good cause (kids! soldiers!), but I just couldn't find myself caring if she pulled it off or not.  And then he's struggling between choosing a teaching job  or re-enlisting, but he didn't seem particularly stressed, so I wasn't stressed, and you know what *would* have been interesting? How the whole thing started out: somehow (and I can't recall how - maybe through her brother? because he's in the same unit?) they were paired up writing letters while he was deployed and so they knew all this cool stuff about each other, not terribly intimate but definitely personal tidbits, and I could've gotten into a movie that kept them writing letters for a little longer - there was actually a brief thing about his last letter that was lost, and that definitely could've been something interesting, when it finally turned up, that he'd written something very personal/important that he opted not to tell once he met her in person, but that potential firework turned out to be a dud. 

Instead he's back and they meet in person in essentially the first 20 minutes, maybe the first 10 - it was fast, is my point. I think maybe if they had them meeting a little later, we could've gotten to know them better and then we'd be rooting for them in both their individual issues and be rooting for them to get together. Or not, fuck, I don't know. All I know is that the title is deceptive because there were no "miracles", not in a magical or spiritual sense, and also because nothing exciting or unexpected happened, everything unfolds precisely how you expect it will. No really. What you guess early on is exactly what happens. Eh. It didn't hit enough squares to launch it down to 1 or 2 stars, it's not a complete waste of your time, but man is it dancing on the line. 

3/5 stars

Merry And Bright (Hallmark, 2019 - Jodie Sweetin and her new teeth, Andrew Walker who's that guy in lots of these movies upon whose cheekbones one could cut diamonds)

She owns a candy cane company. That's it. That's all they do, candy canes at Christmas. The red and white standard kind. They have business at one time per year and are super successful, mega rich judging by the offices and the houses in which they live. 

Suspension of disbelief, check.

Classic "family business is in danger" story, bonus dead grandmother which is the catalyst for her taking over the company. Side storyline of her mom fostering a dog that's going to end up being her Christmas present. There is no reason for this side storyline, but doggie is cute as all-get-out, so we'll give it a pass. Of course there's a baking scene. Somebody who's not into Christmas gets converted. It hits multiple boxes. 

So, Cheekbones is a consultant sent to advise Jodie on where to cut costs and consolidate, and I hope he tells her first and foremost that one cannot sustain a business for, broadly, two months out of the year, not unless they are the monopoly on candy canes. Which, they aren't. So my first thought is "make flavored canes" and "make sprinkles of said flavored canes" and "make frosting and cake mixes based on said flavors" and liqueur and patent a certain stripe pattern for the canes, then sell wrapping paper in these patterns. You know, shit that sells all year. I majored in business and minored in marketing in undergrad, I can't control when it kicks in.

They find each other difficult, which means of course they'll fall in love. Let's just jump to the end: they diversify with different flavors and they fall in love. PS: no chemistry PPS: her last name is Merriweather and the town's name is Brightwell. Get it? Merry and Bright? Yeah, they didn't just mean the song.  ::sighs::  This is just Typical with a capital "T". I was bored, but it's well-made production value-wise and is fine for background while you're cleaning or something. 

3/5 stars

A Christmas For The Books (Hallmark, 2018 - people you've neither heard of nor will recognize... unless they've been in other Hallmarks, which I'm sure they have)

This one drags so, so badly. It hits too many boxes. There's a Christmas gala. Pretending to be someone's boyfriend. Somebody's famous. Somebody's an author. Did I mention it drags? It draaaaaaags. And I am 99% certain the plot is identical to another one of these movies I've seen (perhaps on a different channel, though). The deal is that she's a romance "expert" but her own relationship just fell apart so she asks her show's producer to pretend to be her boyfriend for the benefit of the higher-ups who are giving her said show, which he does but then his on-again-off-again girlfriend shows up. She's pissed, naturally, and our lead gal lies to her and says "No I'm counseling him so he'll be a better boyfriend to you" and she's an idiot and falls for it, and they end up being best buds. ??? Okay. But here's the thing: she still ends up with dude at the end. And they have zeeeeeero chemistry. Just skip this one. Draaaaaaag. The acting is flat across the board, excepting aforementioned girlfriend who is over-the-top. 

Swear I've seen this exact plot, though. I can see one of the early scenes clear as a bell in my mind. Beautiful brunette lady, they're all outside by a gazebo or some such, she's about to go live or tape in front of audience for her show, and fiance breaks up with her, and I want to say that the guy she pretends with is either a long-time friend, or that they dated in the past. Possibly both. I'm googling this. 

* time passes *

Holy shit, it's another Hallmark movie. It's called "The Convenient Groom" from 2016, summary: "Dr. Kate Lawrence, a celebrity relationship expert, plans to publicly announce her engagement to Bryan, a handsome and perfectly polished businessman. As Kate prepares to share the news, Bryan shocks her by breaking up with her and calling off the wedding. Wanting to save her from humiliation and protect her public image, Lucas Wright, Kate’s childhood friend, steps in and pretends to be Kate’s fiancé. Stars Vanessa Marcil and David Sutcliffe." It also looks like this one was based on a book. 

Ugh. We don't do plagiarism. 

0/5 stars

Christmas In The Air (Hallmark, 2017 - Catherine Bell, Eric Close)

I don't think we did this one last year, but even if so, worth mentioning again. If you don't know him by name, you'll recognize Close, he's a good actor, and Catherine Bell is just solid across the board in everything I've seen her in. So he's a single dad who owns a toy company with his brother and of course they're slammed at this time of year and on top of that they've got a new toy (a drone-type thing) that they're trying to sell an investor on so they're busting ass trying to perfect that, too (on top of, investor and wife are coming to town to see it and somehow they get roped into having them over for dinner). Plus the kids are of an age (looks like maybe 4th grade boy and 6th grade girl?) that they're really getting into activities they've chosen for themselves now so that's on top of the usual parent stuff and we all know it's a lot for single parents at that age, it's almost like they're back to the amount of work of toddlers, they're just back to going in all directions again and starting to get more independent and need more attentiveness. I am pleased to report the kids are not brats nor are they sugar sweet, they're just normal kiddos. Now, she's a professional organizer and they meet by chance at Target or wherever and I forget the circumstances but it is evident to her that he needs some organizing and she gives him her card. I bring this up because it is not a "meet cute", it's just somebody who's astute at networking and she's polite and so's he and it's a normal interaction. 

That's the thing I like about this movie - everything unfolds in a natural manner, nothing is far-fetched. Their jobs make sense, such as - see above - they aren't limited to the Christmas season, even though people do/may need more of their services at this time of year. Close and Bell click and they're both attractive in their own ways and it's believable they grow to fall for each other. Nobody's cutesy and precious and obsessed with Christmas and hyperactive, they're adults going about their daily lives who end up realizing they kind of need each other. And on that note, they don't portray her as this lonely 40-something single woman, it's just evident that she's maybe getting dissatisfied with her routine and maybe actually needs a some messiness in her life because sometimes a little messy can be interesting, if she lets loose to a degree when it comes to all her self-imposed rules that help her keep control on her life. The only thing that was eye-roll worthy was the cookie-making montage scene and the cheesy music that backed it, but! It was incredibly short.

She also has this adorbs little greenhouse out back of her house of which I'm jealous. Not that I can grow plants particularly well. But I'm good at keeping those suckers alive. I want an herb garden when I grow up. [checks watch] Shit, I'm a grown-up. Anyway, this is a well-made, well-written, well-casted (in addition to the leads, the brothers actually resemble each other and the kids click, too), well-paced movie with well-developed characters and my final verdict is that it is most certainly not a waste of your time.

5/5 stars 

Here's your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars

#1

Once Upon A Holiday (Hallmark, 2015 - some chick, a guy called Paul Campbell who's vaguely familiar)

Princess of tiny country wants some Christmastime to herself without all the royal obligations, she of course has dead parents because somebody has to. But listen, the 2 leads can actually act, nobody's shmoopy, nobody overreacts when the truth comes out, the ending is simple, it's basically very... well, basic. It's calm. It's sweet. It's not *not* worth watching, though I'd classify it as simply nice, non-irritating background fare. You're not going to go ga-ga and love it, but you're not going to loathe it, either. 

3/5 stars

A Shoe Addict's Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Candace Cameron, the lady who played Charlene on Designing Women)

Candace Cameron is a solid actor and she elevates everything she's in. However. This one is just stupid. It's convoluted in its premise, which is this: when this chick puts on a pair of shoes, it takes her to a certain point in her life where pivotal decisions were made (whether or not she knew at the time), and is giving her an opportunity to play Choose Your Own Adventure and see what could've happened if she'd chosen differently. We don't need the shoes for this story to happen, is my point, because just have her hold an object or have a magical person take her there a la ghosts of Christmas past. Which, well, okay - here we go.

It's also *very* convoluted in how the magic happens and how the love interest comes into it, and is as follows: she works in a department store and gets locked in there randomly one night, and meets her fairy godmother-esque guardian angel who is klutzy and quirky and initiates this whole flashbacking in time with shoes jazz, and in addition Ditzy Angel Fairy is always there kind've interfering and being bumbling while Candace and love interest are working together planning some charity thing involving his firehouse (yeah, he's a fireman, there’s additional backstory for him about following in his dad’s footsteps and something-something-something), and the department store, which somehow necessitates awkward moments in stock rooms and whilst cookie baking, oh and by the way he's also her new next door neighbor. 

Did you follow all that? Congratulations, and pass the liquor. Holy shit. Again, Candace elevates this dreck, as does - oh damn, now I remember her name, it's Jean Smart! - so a star for that, and it doesn't tick like a thousand boxes on the Bingo, but those things don't rescue the bizarre nature of this one. It's all over the place. And so it loses its charm. The shoes are a stupid shtick to try to make this be *not* the same story that we've all seen and heard a million times. And then they piled on all that other extraneous stuff to distract us from that? I guess? Question mark? You may enjoy it because it's chipper and moves at a quick clip, but... yeah, it just didn't do it for me. This type of thing has been done elsewhere, and done better. You make the call.

2/5 stars

Jingle Around The Clock (Hallmark, 2018 - Brooke Nevin, other people)

Career chick gets overwhelmed trying to balance work and the holidays, then she and the dude who's one of many in a pool of potential candidates for a job she wants end up falling for each other. Nevin's a decent actress, and she and the other lead have decent chemistry, and the plot is... you know, it's... well, decent. The only thing that really irked me is that - as in a lot of these movies - there's a stupid misunderstanding that could easily be remedied by one person holding up their hands, interrupting the person who's doing the misunderstanding, and saying "Whoa, hold on. I know what you heard/saw, but here's what actually happened." 

And in this movie's case it was reeeeeally a stretch - like, in other movies, sometimes they'll have one person get pulled away or some other thing where the misunderstood person kinda doesn't have a chance to explain, but this time it's a convo where they're both standing there for minutes upon minutes. Fucking SAY SOMETHING. Anyway. Whatevs. Some of the acting from the peripheral characters is clunky, and pacing is a little off, but overall not intolerable. And it doesn't check a metric shitton of bingo boxes. So, it's cute, not a complete waste of your time.

3/5 stars

Trading Christmas (Hallmark, 2011 - Faith Ford, Tom Cavanagh, Gil Bellows)

Outstanding production value, above-average script, and the 4 shared leads can all act. It's one of those happenstance stories, where - as in real life - no one would've been expecting to meet someone they click with when they're doing what they're doing, and what they're doing isn't some fantastical thing, they’re just trying something new (traveling/staying somewhere else for the holidays).

Everybody behaves like the grown-ups they are, there's no drama, and a tiny spat that occurs between two of them is cute, not grating. Speaking of, particular kudos to best friend character who pulls off the nosy-sassy vibe without being irritating. Even the occasional pop-over scenes to the daughter and her boyfriend at college are fine, they also can act, and they're sweet together, no shmoop, just average folks you'd have been friends with in college, and boyfriend is supportive of daughter when she has a change of heart about them doing their own traveling for Christmas. 

Everything was balanced, no one interlude at a given location lasted too long before getting back to the parallel stories going on elsewhere, and since the scenes with daughter and boyfriend are secondary, even less time was spent with them, and good, that's as it should be. And here's the part I like the best, because it's *different* and *interesting* - your 2 primary leads? Ford and Cavanagh? They aren't each other's romantic will-they-won't-they, so how's about that? This barely hits anything on the bingo card, ergo the score is....

5/5 stars

Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Josh Henderson, Megan Park) 

I should take off a star right now for the long title. You'll know by the end of the review what I've decided. Anyhow, out of the gate, understand that I had to make myself watch this one because the synopsis tells me part of this has to do with the dude being a country music singer and that means somebody's gonna sing - likely, him - and it'll probs be a Christmas song, and that also carries with it the risk of *original* Christmas song, which is infinitely worse. I also have no idea who this Josh Henderson person is - if he happens to be a singer by trade and this is what got him the role, well, I'm not looking it up, I'm reserving my judgment for when I actually hear him sing and see him act.  

Second thing to know, there's something very important that sold me on watching this: turns out Megan Park is the actress who played my favorite character in one of these Christmas movies so far - and some of you will understand the gravity of this, but if you don't then go now and read my write-up on the worst of the worst, My Christmas Love. Folks, Megan Park played Janet. *The* Janet. Light of my life during that shitstorm Janet. She who kept me afloat in a sea of dreck Janet. I owe this to Janet. 

Henderson's a fine actor, Park is way above average and should be doing more than Hallmark movies, and they click together, so good casting, there. (Also good casting? He's actually Southern, the accent isn't fake - though on the occasional word he bumps it up a bit but that could've been because of director, who knows - and for my Southern ears that is so re-fucking-freshing). The dialogue is better than usual for these movies (read: it sounds like things real people would say), and it's elevated by the fact that our two leads are delivering it well. The story unfolds in an easygoing, natural manner (as in, it's not smitten at first sight, they grow to fall for each other over the course of their journey), while at the same time moving at a nice clip. The quick and dirty: they're both from nearby towns/cities in the same state in the midwest, she thinks she knows him from local choir competitions so he's appreciating her treating him like anybody else vs. famous, they're both kinda dreading going home - her because breaking news to dad that the family business is in worse trouble than they thought, him because it's going to be first Christmas since his dad died, plus he's stressed anyhow because he's got songwriter's block. 

A run-down of the songs, so you're fully prepared.... I'll give you the length too because I'm a super nice person... okay not really, but Christmas miracles and hope and bleccccch....

Song one: Deck the Halls, piano, solo, shortish

Okay, he can carry a tune but there's nothing exceptional about his voice. I'm still not looking him up.

Song two: Jingle Bells, acoustic guitar, two old people harmonizing (poorly), short

Bless.

Song three: Joy To The World --> O Come All Ye Faithful, acapella, choir, shortish (but most part in background), they're ever-so-slightly flat which is worse than being completely flat (hi, choir nerd here)

Sigh.

Song four: Away In A Manger, him & 2 precocious children, acoustic, shortish

Twice.

Second time longer.

Second verse with him. 

Fuuuuuuuuu--------

Song five: 

The original song (which isn't entirely bad), acoustic, she inexplicably knows the tune and words well enough to harmonize and so does the mom and then there's inexplicable ability for sister to play 2nd guitar, and inexplicable background somebody to fiddle along, as well. It's a brand new song. He just wrote it. He essentially had just finished it in his mind. Length: Long, as it finishes the movie.

Stupid. So, so stupid. Just have him sing it. I don't mind the 2nd guitar or the fiddle because people skilled on such can pick up chords after watching another person run through it once, and can insert a little complementary medley in between verses, respectively - it's the people magically knowing the lyrics that's irritating and takes you out of the movie completely.

Major Complaint: there's three separate misunderstandings. One: she thinks he was trying to make a fool of her (huh?) by not telling her who he was (re: famous) and he reacts calmly; two: she sees a tabloid saying he had a girlfriend, acts pissy til he finally gets her to pony up what the hell is wrong, she says, and he reacts good naturedly; three, he offers to invest in the fam business so they don't have to rely on bank loans, and she gets all offended saying this must mean he doesn't believe in her (::sigh:: no, it doesn't), and he again takes it well. What annoys me is that all three of these are stupid and are on her, and she's not a stupid person, so her behaving this way is contrary to the other 90% we've seen. I don't get it. It was really odd.

Okay, I won't give it stars off because of the title, fine. But the title *is* cumbersome and kept me from this movie last year, it should've been called A Sweet Christmas Song or something of that ilk - sweet since she makes preserves and candy bars, then of course him writing the song, and also we can't possibly have one of these movies without Christmas in the title. 

Here's the problem: this ticks way too many bingo boxes. The family business is in danger of being lost. There's a dead parent (one for each lead, bonus sick spouse of random friend). There's Christmas songs sung by lead character. There's precocious children (three, specifically). One of the lead characters is famous. Character performs an instrumental talent. Group baking scene. Visit to a town with a holiday event. Characters make Christmas wishes. 

Those coupled with the annoying triple-play of Standard Hallmark Movie Misunderstanding Moment means this should be in negative star territory. But we're going to break the rules. I am docking it only one star for all the tropes, then another star specifically for song overload, as it would've been more impactful to hear his voice for the first time (bits in background as he comes on radio/TV notwithstanding) in the song he's been struggling to write when it happens at the end. All the music was just too much, between him and rando touring couple and choir and kids (twice), then the family sing-a-long. Good god almighty, I actually got tired just typing all that out. This movie is so strange because the components are of the suck, but afterwards you'll be like "Eh, that wasn't bad". 

Bottom line: if you're going to watch a Christmas movie, this one is way far from the worst, it's not a waste of your time, just beware the huge trope minefield and know it's only saved by the quick pacing and very natural acting on the parts of your two leads. 

3/5 stars (but just barely, and easily could've been 5/5 which is much disappoint)

Magical Christmas Ornaments (Hallmark, 2017 - people named Jessica Lowndes and Brendan Perry, the latter of whom I recognize from something)

So, I caught part of this last year and I don't think I went over it, but don't worry if I did because I am not going over it now. Brief synopsis: Mom, who has a real hard-on for Christmas, sends daughter ornaments and they turn out to be "magical", because they are reminding her of happy anecdotes from Christmases of her past so it's changing her attitude, plus coincidental great stuff is happening after she receives each one. To sum: anti-Christmas person starts to get into the spirit, lady lead is really focused on her career, falls in love with physician neighbor, precocious kids - it's trope-a-palooza from what I've seen (about an hour). 

Here's why I'm not bothering to get into it - well, beyond the fact that the lady lead couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, plus (and this is *not* her fault) her hair and makeup are poorly done and it's very distracting - it's a commercial for Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. The very first one she opens, it's an over-the-shoulder shot and she's got the box tilted precisely to where the logo is clear-as-a-bell into the camera. Fuck that noise. I'm not sticking around for the rest of the ornaments, it may've only happened with that one but I don't care. Also, the pacing is soooo slow. 

1/5 stars (the one only because the male lead can act, and may make it tolerable for you)

[rt8815]

Mamihlapinatapai

This follows my Untitled: “Last Gasp” Inspired piece from last year, so it’s set in mid March-ish 2018. It also fills the “Mutual Pining” square on my CM Bingo card.

WC: Almost 1,900

Notes: Taylor and Jaime are two of McKinley’s bandmates. They will appear in an earlier set fic that I haven’t finished yet 😏

Mamihlapinatapai is a Yagan (of the Nyungar people) word which means, “the wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.”

—–

“Congrats, guys!” McKinley exclaimed, raising her glass. “The Dream Team is back together and Barnes has retreated to her office to lick her wounds. All is as it should be.”

“Cheers!” everyone toasted, laughing against their professional judgement.

JJ slid into the seat next to McKinley.

“It feels great to come back home,” Emily sighed, soaking in the sunset view from Rossi’s back yard.

McKinley sipped her Scotch, tapping the table suddenly when something occurred to her.

“Spencer, how ever will you tell your students you’ll no longer be teaching full-time?” Her hand flew to her heart. “Your fan club will be absolutely devastated, poor things,” she smirked, sounding anything but sympathetic.

Spencer almost choked on his wine. “Oh God, no,” he started, but just then Garcia joined them at the table.

“What’s this about fan club stuff? Are you planning costumes for a convention?” she asked.

Spencer buried his face in his hands and grumbled something that sounded like ‘piece of meat.’

McKinley stole a bit of Penelope’s Mai-tai before continuing. “No cons, Penny, unless you think dozens of shrieking harpies only there to drool over the male lead qualifies as a ‘convention.’”

Emily leaned around JJ. “Well, that piqued my interest. Go on.”

Spencer moaned, his voice muffled behind his palms.

“Nearly one hundred people came to his lecture this week,” McKinley stated. “They’ve become very popular…with the ladies.”

“Wow! Spence, that’s great,” JJ congratulated him, though she had a mischievous gleam in her eye.

“Yeah, Boy Wonder,” Penelope chimed in. “Why the bashfulness?” She’d had a few drinks and was a bit slow on the uptake.

McKinley rolled her eyes. “Penny, bubeleh, most of them weren’t there to learn,” she emphasized, staring pointedly at Spencer.

Penelope started to cotton on. “Oh,” she grinned. “You’re saying that they-”

“Got it baaad, got it baaad, got it baaad. They’re hot for teacher. Ow!”

Emily wolf-whistled as JJ stretched over the table to ruffle Spencer’s hair.

He finally reemerged, his face beet-red, though he appeared annoyed rather than angry.

“Ley, tell us more about these fangirls,” Garcia demanded, bouncing in anticipation. “Give us the deets.”

McKinley glanced at Spencer, who shrugged, apparently resigned to the good-natured ribbing.

“Do y’all remember The Bimbettes from Beauty and the Beast?” she asked, “and the “I Love You Eyelid Girl” from Raiders of the Lost Ark?”

Penelope giggled into her drink. “That bad, huh?”

“Ugh, worse,” groaned McKinley, now buzzed and losing her filter. “Both of those things cranked up to eleven.”

She rested her elbows on the table, imitating everything the students had done. “They weren’ listenin’ to a thang he said. They twirled their hair, got all doe-eyed and constantly ‘Ooohed’ and ‘Aaahed.’ Talk about flirtin’ up a storm. I swear a few of ‘em drooled.”

“You don’t say,” Emily snickered.

“It was disgusting. Those girls made such asses of themselves. I felt bad for ‘em really.”

“Uh-huh,” JJ chuckled, sounding unconvinced.

“No, honestly! They just would not back down. They stalked us through the hallway. I was worried they were gonna eat ‘im alive!” McKinley cried as she fluffed Spencer’s hair. “I had to keep Skindiana Jones here safe.”

“I uh, I don’t recall them stalking us,” Spencer interjected, “and I still don’t understand why women always-”

“Spence, read. the book. we gave you!”

“Seriously! This has happened on so. many. cases.”

“Yeah! Remember Lila Archer?”

McKinley whipped her head around. “Wait, what? Lila Archer the actress?”

“Yeah,” replied JJ. “Lila was a stalking victim 12 years ago. Spence stayed at her house. She pulled him into her pool and they made out.”

“Oh, she’s very pretty. I imagine that must’ve been quite something!”

“Don’t forget all the working ladies who hit on him,” Emily added.

“And the bartender who flirted with him,” slurred Penny.

Spencer shook his head. “Women go for guys like Morgan or Alvez, not me.”

McKinley frowned. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that right there is false modesty. It’s not though, and that makes me sad.”

“I’m weird.”

“Weird should be a compliment,” McKinley countered.

“I ramble a lot-”

“Some find it endearing.”

“-about things nobody’s interested in.”

“I’m interested…”

But Spencer wasn’t paying attention.

“My hair’s too long…”

“It suits you, Spencer.”

“I dress like an eighty-year-old man.”

McKinley scrunched her face in amusement. “Yeah, like I said the other day, I’m fairly certain the whole tenured professor look is their kink. Face it, Pretty Boy: yer eye candy.”

Spencer grimaced and hoisted himself up from his chair.

“No, don’t go!” McKinley pleaded, loosely grabbing his forearms. “We’ll stop now, right guys?”

“Of course.”

“Sure.”

“Fine, I’ll zip my perfect, rosy lips.”

Spencer eyed them warily before lowering himself back down. As he drained his glass, McKinley resumed her elbows-on-table pose, feigning innocence.

“I do have one question for you though, Doctor.”

He arched an eyebrow. “What might that be?”

McKinley fiddled with his tie, unknotting it. “I’m worried about my grade in your class. T-t-t-teacher, can you see me after school?”

Spencer sputtered, blushing furiously, then jerked his tie out of her hand and stormed off as dignified as possible.

“I think of all the education that I missed,” she called after him, gesturing for the others to join her. They chorused, “But then my homework was never quite like this!”

They all dissolved into fits of laughter, although McKinley’s quickly dissipated.

“Shit, he’s my ride home. That’s gonna be awkward.”

Emily cleared her throat. “So, how long have you been in love with Reid?”

“I – what?” McKinley squeaked. “I’m not in love with Spencer! What gave you that idea?”

“That show you put on just now. Plus, I saw you two on my porch the other day. I have security cameras…with audio,” Emily admitted.

“Anyway, you’ve looked at each other differently for a while now. You act differently towards each other too. Maybe bringing up the lecture is your subconscious telling you that you two have evolved beyond friendship.”

McKinley shook her head. “Emily, we haven’t known each other long enough for that.”

“Granted, five months is fast,” said Tara, who’d slid into the table unnoticed, “but you’ve spent a lot of his sabbatical and regular time outside work together. Simply put? The quality of your and his friendship could well outweigh the length.”

“And the way you talked about those students?” JJ added. “You called them shrieking harpies and you sounded ready to rip them apart. I mean, I believe that they drooled over Spence, but you laid it on kind of thick. Was it all about keeping him safe, or was it also you telling them to back off?”

That had McKinley stumped. She remembered silently mocking the girls’ behavior, and how she smugly whispered, “It’s never gonna happen,” effectively saying Spencer was out of their league. What stood out the most was how she stared them down as she linked arms with him, deriving satisfaction from their…jealousy?

“Did I deliberately taunt them?” McKinley wondered to herself.

She recalled a sensation of hackles raising. There was no polite way to word it.

“I was marking my territory.”

McKinley had a sudden desire to take a shower.

Her feelings had undoubtedly shifted, but she had no frame of reference for them. And that frightened her.

She switched tactics. “Don’t forget that I’m aroace, guys. I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction.”

Garcia popped up from her phone, where she’d been hunting down the ‘perfect first date venue.’ “You talk a lot about how sexy and pretty guys are, though. I’ve caught you staring at many a tuchus. What’s that about?” she winked.

McKinley cut eyes at her. “I’m asexual, Penny, not blind. I admired the Venus de Milo too, but I didn’t wanna hump it either.”

“Y’know, I used to identify as bi,” Penelope replied. “I was in my late twenties before I knew that I’m pan. It’s only for you to say but, it might be worth considering demi identities.”

That struck a chord with McKinley. It would require a lot of unpacking her emotions, but it was definitely worth considering.

…

Spencer stole glimpses at McKinley as he drove her home. She was drumming a beat on the armrest. He chuckled; she always did that while deep in thought.

Stopping at a light pulled her from her reverie. “Thank you for driving me home,” she said rather meekly.

“You’re welcome. Never take Uber or Lyft.” He coughed nervously. “You know, because it’s not the safest mode of transportation. Half of our cases start that way,” he joked.

McKinley grinned. “You’re an absolute prince for doing this, especially since I’m a rotten friend.”

Spencer’s jaw dropped. “No, you’re not! Is this about the lecture? Because it’s nothing the team hasn’t teased me about before.”

“Yeah, but I shoulda known they’d take the piss,” she whined, kicking her legs grumpily, “and I went too far with the song. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I forgive you,” he assured her as he stepped on the gas. “Although, I’d like to point out that I’ve never once brought up the men who hit on you at bars.”

“True,” McKinley breathed, playing with a loose thread on her blouse. “But that seems to have died down at O’Keeffe’s recently.”

Spencer pressed his lips together, eyes fixed on the road. She eyed him suspiciously.

“You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” she prodded him.

“Think fast.”

“It’s probably the team’s presence. Most of the regulars know who we are.”

Fortunately, she accepted his suggestion. “Yeah, that’s feasible.”

“Truth is I shoved my credentials in their faces once or twice,”he confessed silently.

“When that doesn’t work, I step between you and them while flashing my revolver, but I’m not owning up to any of that.”

Spencer parked in Taylor and Jaime’s driveway and walked McKinley to her tiny house in the backyard. Boogie bolted out to greet them, tail wagging vigorously.

At her door, she twisted around for a final goodnight, surprised to find Spencer standing so near. He raised his hand and combed his fingers through her hair.

“Cherry blossom,” he explained, showing the pale pink flower in his hand. Spencer reached up again, brushing hair out of her eyes, lingering this time.

McKinley found herself tilting her head into his hand.

“Please don’t stop playing with my hair. Is this what he feels when I play with his? Am I blushing? Is he blushing? What’s that look he’s giving me? Affection? Is that how I look at him? I wish he’d say something. I should say something, but I can’t speak. My heart’s pounding. What’s wrong with me? I never have trouble talking to Spencer. How can someone make me flustered and relaxed at the same time?”

Spencer moved even closer. “Ley, I was wondering -”

“Bork!”

They sprang apart, the spell broken, to see Boogie dancing impatiently. He jumped, placing his paws on Spencer’s thighs.

“Hey buddy, I’m not ignoring you,” he promised as he scratched the dog’s ears.

Satisfied, Boogie pushed open the door and stared expectantly at McKinley.

Spencer retreated down the stairs. “I should be going. Good night, Ley,” he said, the slightest note of disappointment in his voice.

“Night, Spencer. Text me when you get home?”

“Always,” he smiled up at her, stepping backwards towards the fence and through the gate.

—–

@illegalcerebral @dreatine @cynbx @cmbingo

Everyone else let me know if you’d like to be tagged in the future!

[sapphictrash92]

How the Doctor got her gay scarf (TBC in a less than PG way :P)

It was December and Sheffield town centre was swarming with people, excited children were visiting Santa’s Grotto, festive music played in all the stores, and stressed out parents were wrestling each other to get toys and games at reduced prices. In the midst of it all, Yaz was desperately trying to find gifts for her family, and of course, Team Tardis. She swore under her breath as a guy with headphones barged past her, almost knocking her into a perfume stand. 

“I’m a police officer, I can’t lose my cool” She told herself. “Right, presents.”

She moved around the stores, happy to find appropriate gifts for everyone. A make up palette for her sister so she’d stop stealing hers, a recipe book for her dad so no one had to face his terrible pakora again, a purse she’d seen her mom eyeing up in a magazine, the latest Grime compilation for Ryan, and a memoir by one of Graham’s favourite footballers. 

The Doctor was more difficult to buy for, what could she possibly get for her after everything she’d done for her? She’d changed her life, shown her endless amazing things that existed far from her hometown. Perfume? No, she already liked her natural scent. Is that weird? Focus, Yaz. Okay, a book? She furrowed her brows. Nah, she already has a library and has probably read everything in it and more. Clothing maybe? She moved to a rack of warm cosy sweaters, but they were all too ordinary. What could I possibly... Bingo! Out of the corner of her eye she spotted a scarf with all the colours of the rainbow, she quickly moved to the stand, putting her shopping bags on the ground. She felt it and couldn’t believe how soft it was. She flipped over the price tag and bit her lip, it was more than she wanted to pay but... it just screamed the Doctor, and it was nothing compared to the experiences she’d had since she’d quite literally fallen into her path. Her mind was made up, with the scarf in one hand and her bags in the other she started to move towards the busy tills. She took out her credit card, tapping her foot impatiently. Suddenly a pair of hands covered her eyes.

“Guess who?” 

She instantly relaxed upon hearing the familiar voice, smiling. 

“How on earth did you find me?” 

The Doctor grinned as she turned to face her, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. 

“Your Mum said you were shopping so I just looked around the stores to find ya, too many stores, who needs so many? They all sell the same stuff! Ooh that reminds me, I need to take you to the best shopping mall in the galaxy sometime, lots of interesting.”

Yaz chuckled before suddenly remembering the scarf, trying to hide it. 

“Sounds good! Sorry I didn’t ask you to come shoppin’, it were meant to be a quick trip but..well” She gestured to the crowds. 

“It’s fine, silly! I had to do some work on the T-A-R-D-I-S anyway. Oooh nice scarf!”

Shit. You had one job, Khan. 

Yaz pouted, the Doctor tilted her head. 

“Why are you makin’ that face?” 

“I wanted to surprise ya but now you’ve seen it” 

Thirteen’s face lit up and Yaz felt her heart melt. 

“Fifty points to Yaz! I love it! I love rainbows, almost as much as I love custard creams” She enthused, holding onto it as the queue finally moved closer to the till. 

“I thought you might” Yaz smiled. Victory! Get in!

“Can I wear it when we leave the shop? OOH and get hot chocolate? There’s a stand and it’s decorated with twinkly lights and some people are singin’, can we can we?”

Yaz still couldn’t believe how much the Doctor genuinely enjoyed her company, she’d thought the novelty might wear off but apparently not. 

“Yes and yes, I am definitely in need of a hot chocolate.”

The Doctor did a happy little jump before giving her a quick squeeze.

“You’re the best!” 

They got to the till and the Doctor frowned as the cashier scanned the scarf’s tag.

“Yaz that’s expensive”

“Shush, don’t act like you haven’t been buyin’ for us lot when we’re travellin’“ Yaz told her, handing over her credit card. 

The Doctor insisted on carrying her bags as they made their way to the entrance, still a gent. 

“Here” Yaz said with a smile, draping the scarf around her neck. 

Thirteen nuzzled her cheek against the fabric.

“So soft” She cooed. “Thanks, Yaz”

“It suits ya. Come on, let’s get that hot chocolate” 

Thirteen suddenly looked up as they got to the door, mistletoe hung above them. Yaz looked up too, her heart pounding in her chest. Their eyes met and the Doctor gave her that same look she did whenever Yaz said something emotional or complimentary to her, pursed lips and a hard swallow.

“Standing under mistletoe means you have to kiss, right?” 

“I mean you don’t have to..”

“Excuse me” A woman said snidely, almost tripping the Doctor up as she passed them. 

“Oi, watch it!” Yaz snapped as she caught her, hands holding the lapels of her coat. She exhaled shakily at their proximity, close enough to inhale her sweet scent. The Doctor smiled shyly.

“What if I want to? ..Would that be okay?”

Yaz nodded, wetting her lips. Oh god it’s happening, we’re gonna kiss.

Thirteen moved them further out of the way, putting down Yaz’s bags. Smiling she reached out with both hands, cupping the smaller woman’s cheeks as she leaned down, their noses touching before she gently pressed her lips to hers. Yaz held the ends of the scarf anchoring her in place , silently thanking whoever had hung the mistletoe there, and her Mum for telling the Doctor where she was. The sounds of the busy store faded into the background, all she could hear was her heart and the Doctor’s gentle sigh. It was slow and light yet she felt more alive than she ever had, she felt weightless. Butterflies fluttering violently around her insides. She almost deepened the kiss when-

“Mommy look those ladies are kissing!" A child’s voice called out loudly.

They pulled apart, suddenly aware of where they were.

“Shh, Daniel!” A woman, presumably his mother scolded, leading him away. 

They giggled, the Doctor leaning her forehead against hers. 

“We should probably go” She whispered, reaching down to pick up Yaz’s bags. 

They left the store smiling from ear to ear, heading in the direction of one of the market stalls. They’d almost reached it when Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s wrist, her eyes widened with surprise as she reached for the back of her neck, pulling her in and kissing her with purpose, with everything she’d felt since fate bought them together. Her head swam as their lips parted and she shivered as their tongues met, she tasted sweet and warmth flooded through her body as she wondered if the Doctor was just as sweet further down. With a slight gasp she pulled away, breathing hard and regaining her composure, ignoring the attention she’d bought to them, a few whistles in their direction. Normally PDA was something she’d have cringed at, but she just couldn’t help herself. She bit her lip and glanced at the Doctor, who had colour in her cheeks and wore a mischievous grin. 

“That was AMAZIN’! Your lips are so soft and you taste like strawberry, we should get hot chocolate and-”

Someone behind them cleared their throat, they turned around to see Yaz’s Mum standing there with a shit-eating grin on her face. 

Oh no. 

“Yaz you know we approve of you and the Doctor, you don’t have to snog in the cold you know, you do have a bedroom.”

“Kill me now” Yaz muttered, her cheeks displaying her embarrassment. 

“Hi again, Yaz’s Mum! She has a point y’know, I haven’t seen your room yet. What’s it like? What colour are your walls? Is your bed comfy?” 

Yaz’s mum laughed as her daughter covered her face with her hands.

“Go show her your room, darling. Your sister is with..whatever his name is that she’s into this week. Dad’s visiting your Nan, and I’m off to Heather’s for a girl’s night.” 

She raised an eyebrow and nudged her daughter as she stared at her shoes.

“Yasmin Khan you are an adult, stop being embarrassed about having a girlfriend! We love you and it’s clear the Doctor makes you happy, now get out of here before I give you something to be embarrassed about.” 

“Fine! If it’ll shut you up, let’s go, Doctor.” Yaz said starting to walk away.

“Okay. See ya, Yaz’s Mum!” Thirteen waved as best she could holding all the bags, following Yaz and reaching for her.

“Do I really make you happy?” She asked softly, the other woman’s eyes answering her, but she nodded anyway.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.” 

Thirteen’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. She tenderly kissed her cheek, moving all the bags into one hand so she could hold Yaz’s with the other. They walked on to the quieter streets that would lead them back to the flat.

“Will you be my girlfriend, Yaz?” She asked tentatively. 

Yaz reached to delicately tuck a stray blonde strand behind her ear. 

“If you’ll be mine.”

“I don’t know what might happen in the future...” She trailed off with a frown before smiling again. 

“I just know how you make me feel”

Be cool, Khan. Don’t cry, just be.

Yaz returned the smile, squeezing her hand. 

“Likewise. So let’s just focus on the now, yeah?”

“Definitely!”

[whyinever-blog-blog]

Monday, WEEK 16, July 13, COVID-19 ramping up in most states, Phase 2 Reopening delayed until July 17, Living in MASK MAYHEM

We have a few orders to ship today. We don’t have to water this morning since we had a big storm overnight. It’d be great if it rained every night honestly!

I have my month later checkup with Orthopedic doc. Things are fine, but particular movements slower to recover. So he recommends I get a contraption that will help hold difficult positions (that frickin hurt) because the “time holding” that position is what makes the wrist loosen up. I also have PT today. She helps me simulate things I would do at work next month and it’s REALLY helpful. Like really helpful. I think I can do my work, with modified use of my wrist. And hoping the wrist improves in the next couple of weeks too.

I ordered a box full of used books from EBay for us to read. A grab bag. 20 books for $20. It was a box of “thriller/mystery” genre books. I will pass them on after we read them!

My friend Carla posted this and I’m sharing. No one knows who wrote it so far but it’s hilarious!

😂 Dear Diary 2020 Edition,

In ❄️ January, 🔥 Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran 🇮🇷 . We might actually still be almost at war with them 🤔. I don’t know, because 👩 Jen Aniston and 👨🏻 Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards 🏆 show and everyone flipped the crap out 😲, but then there was this thing happening in 🦇 🇨🇳 China, then 👑 Prince Harry and Megan ✌🏼 peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial 👩‍⚖️ , and then corona virus 🦠 showed up in the US ✔️“officially,” but then 🏀 Kobe died 😭and UK 🇬🇧 peaced out of the European Union.

In February, 🌽 Iowa crapped 💩 itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the 👩🏼‍💼Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The👨‍🔬 🌎WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused 🤔some really important people 👔 in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty👨🏻‍⚖️, and 🇺🇸 Americans started asking if Corona beer 🍺 was safe to drink🤦🏻‍♀️, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor 👨‍⚕️ who just knew the 🤒flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.

In March, stuff hit the fan👿. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust 💥, but then Italy 🇮🇹 shut its whole country down 🚷, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a 😱pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency 🆘was declared in US 🇺🇸 , but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu 💁🏻‍♀️, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? 💡 I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks👨🏻, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can 🙏🏼 appreciate teachers 👩‍🏫 for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen🤦🏻‍♀️ ) close down all of salons so you can’t get your 💇‍♂️ hair or your nails done💅 , everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The 📉 DOW took a crap 💩 on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing 🤔 (I still don’t), We were then all introduced to 🐅 Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year , 👍🏼Carol totally killed her husband⚰️ ..... whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now. Oh and during all this there was an earthquake with multiple after shocks.

In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted✌🏼 himself out of the presidential race 🏃 , but then NYC 🗽became the set of The Walking Dead 💀 and we learned that no one has face masks 😷, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our 🦁outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on 📦 box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like , 😱 NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released 🎥 videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….

In 💐 May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets 🐝 and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games🙈 however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with 🔫 AR-15s, 🏀⚾️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city🌃 ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in 👫crowds of more than 🖐🏼🤚🏼10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away ⬅️➡️from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the 😖pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media 📺 🗞 struggled with how to 🤬focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale 🐋 was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest 🌳 after monkeys 🐒 stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab 🔬 and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid ☄️ narrowly missed the Earth🌍.

In ☀️ June, science and common sense just got thrown 🤾🏼 straight out the window and somehow 😷 wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a ✝️God given right (still haven't found that part in the bible or even in the constitution). then 👨‍🔬scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like 🙅🏽‍♂️🙅🏻‍♀️🚧DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind 💨 was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe 🌌 that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like 👽 DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT‼️🚫 but then America reopened 🙌🏼from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly .... not that great 👎🏼. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down 🔨 statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing 🤼‍♀️ that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works 👃🏼, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer 🍺 and let me show you how we’re number one 🥇 in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Trump 👱🏻‍♂️decides now is a good time to ask the Supreme Court 🏛 to shut down ❌Obama Care because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic 💁🏻‍♀️ , but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud ☁️ coming straight at us 📍from the Sahara Desert 🐫 , which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the 👻 ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then 📚 learned of meth-gators 🐊 , and I'm like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card 😡 can we use it as the free space?? 🤷🏻 Then we learned that the Congo's worst ever Ebola 🚨 outbreak is over 😓, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever? 👀 ....... and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! 🐍, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!

——————————————-

I get home late from PT, so we have happy hour outside. We’ve figured out why we had soooo many mosquitos this past week. When they say go check your yard for water holes, standing water, etc. you have to look further than those regular things you see everyday. We discovered I had a big vase full of water on the front porch with cut shrubbery in it, which we loved and have had there since winter actually. Well guess what...a breeding ground. We dumped it. Then we discovered our driveway, where we keep the extra garden soil was totally saturated and a pool was sitting in the dirt. We dumped it. Wow what a difference. 2 days with no swarms and bites. Whew. We were about to get the sprayers out here thinking...this is the worst. We have to do something. We don’t want to do that because of expense and it kills all the good bugs and bees.

Dinner: leftover pasta casserole

Watch: Yellowstone s3 ep3

[fuckyeahthegunclub]

Halloween Songs Flashcards Worksheets Games Celebration

This upbeat Halloween tune for youngsters celebrates the fun holiday in GiggleBellies model! The next is an inventory of melodies Snh48 《万圣节之夜》正式mv预先放出！ Halloween Evening Completely happy Halloween perfect that individuals clarify to and exhibit to your account. We hope you will have loved this informative list of the highest ten spooky hits; all perfect for Halloween-themed parties and even weddings! Halloween is also sometimes referred to as All Hallows' Eve, All Hallowtide and can be written Hallowe'en. Whereas Harley Poe's lyrics are often graphic and can make your skin crawl, the music is another story. One in all them is coloured and one is black and white so that youthful students can shade them in. These could be great for a classroom's Halloween party or as a take-house activity. These songs are geared towards preschoolers, and as such they are scare-free (I don't do scary…at all). As like me many kids and kids also want to have fun with family members like family and mates as a result of they do not need to go backward in any sense or in something from any adult. Whereas all of Helloween's songs would match the invoice, we're going with probably the most obvious, Halloween,” a creepy basic. Endlessly hauled into lazy round-ups like this one, nowadays The Specials' biggest hit is more generally rolled out as a novelty hit for Halloween. But I Was a Teenage Werewolf,” off the group's 1980 debut LP Songs the Lord Taught Us,” is maybe essentially the most fitting. I especially benefit from the lyric, You go to work immediately, you'll go to work tomorrow, stfaced tonight, you may brag about it for months.” If your Halloween celebration is any good, this can most likely occur! There were monsters in rock songs earlier than Alice Cooper surfaced within the early ‘70s with songs like The Ballad of Dwight Fry,” Lifeless Babies,” and Killer,” But there weren't monsters in rock. Learn the pre-school nursery rhymes for youngsters and superb visualize 3D animated multiple cartoon animals dinosaur finger family https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frozen_(soundtrack) rhyme for kids by my superhero rhymes. Fashionable Nursery Rhymes - Read and take a look at the pictures of those wacky rhymes and songs. The video depicts the King of Pop getting his groove on with a horde of zombies and http://www.allmusic.com/album/frozen-the-songs-mw0002716178 his lyrics warn against the oncoming military of monsters, demons and undead. Ruth Devlin lives within the Southwest with her husband and a pair of canines, and while her personal two kids have moved previous the trick-or-treating stage, she nonetheless has nieces and nephews who hold Halloween is a Southern Nevada Writing Venture fellow who has taught English language learners for over 20 years. Butler Home Reloaded presents Halloween Get together with DJ Shail” performing (LIVE) on thirty first October (Monday). That is actually an outdated music corridor track a few guy who's so in love that he needs to die, but ignore that and it's great for Halloween. Youngsters love Los esqueletos There are a number of versions of this traditional tune and fun videos. Lewis Carroll ceaselessly rewrote nicely-recognized rhymes, and one among his most intriguing reworkings is Twinkle, twinkle little bat The pleasure to be had from studying this poem comes from two sources: first there's the mad logic of becoming one thing as deeply un-twinkly as a bat into the original, and second, the suspicion that Carroll had the Dormouse interject when it did as a result of he could not give you any more rhymes to suit. The police in some parts of Britain give out 'No trick or treat, please!' posters for people to show on their door on the evening of Halloween. Just like that tune is ' The Halloween Theme ' that youngsters love to sing and dance to, perfect for school rooms! There are full color worksheets along with printable songs that kids can shade. But on this category you will find some memorable songs that not only rhyme, but in addition make you giggle! When the winds shift and you odor cinnamon and apple cider, see the autumn leaves within the wind, watch as the night gets longer and really feel crisp air nip your nostril, you realize Halloween is on its way. Their songs are similar to many other instrumental rock and roll bands of the period, but in addition included spooky sound effects and vocal elements meant to conjure up a temper that was definitely suited to Halloween. You can pin them to your Halloween social gathering invites, or stick them on your youngsters' Halloween costumes. Michael Jackson's distinctively eerie vocals ring out over a persistent rhythmic beat - an uncanny mixture that made this an eighties traditional and a Halloween get together dream. It isn't particularly a Halloween e book, and it is one which stays out on our cabinets year round. The Internet is a tremendous place, and you'll find both traditional and modern songs in Spanish which are great to teach your preschoolers. Stirring night time-terrors or put up-traumatic signs: Evening terrors are one thing that kids and teens seem to experience more than adults. It's all about the title character's interplay with Nursery Rhyme characters. Then, as quick because the nursery rhyme itself is, the connection implodes with Jill getting pregnant, Jack smashing his head open with a rock, and then Jill dying from childbirth. They also have a dwell album of one among these Halloween reveals titled Hallowmas Stay at North Six. There are several different designs of Halloween bingo playing cards so you'll make sure you find one you want. If there are ghosts, they appear to be melancholy ghosts or ghosts come to warn, however nothing really scary about them. In truth, the present has featured THREE different songs up to now: Wasting Away” , I Need the Good Instances Again” , and Daddy's Little Angel” In my view, Losing Away” remains the most effective of the bunch. Your teen might not know precisely who Freddy Krueger is, but they hopefully will not mind while you sing along to this catchy tune primarily based on the 1988 hit movie, A Nightmare on Elm Road 4: The Dream Grasp. Free Halloween Songs HD Professional is an entertaining music track app designed to give a mild show to the traditional creatures monsters related to the celebration. Sensational Concepts for Working with Youngsters with Autism (Half 2) - Watch video to see how I incorporate the guide Ain't Gonna Paint No More” and paint brushes into music remedy to supply tactile stimulation. On the bottom of the weblog put up you'll discover a hyperlink to the PDF file of the free Halloween bingo playing cards together with printable name images. However of all of the alleged nursery rhyme backstories, Ring Across the Rosie” is probably essentially the most infamous. Use the songs to show Halloween primarily based lessons and different ideas equivalent to counting, sharing, feelings, parts of the body, and extra! EFL/ESL Songs And Actions - This useful resource presents lyrics (and in some cases sound clips) with a view to use music and games to teach English as second language. Characters from nursery rhymes, like Outdated King Cole, Humpty Dumpty, or Mother Goose herself are Public Area Characters which will characteristic in all kinds of works. We've adopted Mother Goose's lead, together with riddle rhymes as part of our weekly instruction.

[blancagriswold]

Real Weddings: Our Traditional Brides Beautiful Big Day

We have the absolute pleasure today of showing you all our gorgeous Traditional Bride’s beautiful big day!  You may have been following her story.  As one of our Brides to Be, Kathryn has been making us laugh and cry with her planning stories and inspiration.  And now her day has been and gone and we can now show you the stunning results.

Shot by Martin Ellard of My Big Day Photography.

Our Traditional Brides Beautiful Big Day

What was your budget?

We didn’t actually have one! We chose the venue before anything else, so once we had a rough idea of what that was going to cost, everything else would just have to just go on top! I have my own part time business as well as mine and Rich’s full time jobs, so it was just a case of seeing how much money we had to save and spend each month depending on what I was earning from the business, and what we could afford as we went along! I didn’t want to set a proper budget because I didn’t want to limit myself. The pair of us are pretty rubbish with money, so budgets don’t usually work with us anyway, we just went for it and hoped for the best! We had some help from my amazing mum and dad, and I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have a few sleepless nights towards the end when it came to paying everything off but we literally just about managed it!

All together, it came to about £13,000. I think. Even with all the planning and spreadsheets I mastered over the months, I never actually made a ‘final total!’

How would you describe your wedding theme?

Rainbow fairytale, bling-tastic, sparkly and BRIGHT! Just like me!

What was your favourite part of your wedding?

There were so many amazing moments throughout the day, I don’t know how I’m going to pick just one! I loved getting ready in the house in the morning, the journey in the limo with my parents, sisters and nephews, the simple but lovely ceremony, the food, my dad’s speech, the dances, the party, it truly was an epic day!

But my very favourite part has to be the photo and video shoot down the beach. Rich and I had finished the ceremony and family photos and were led down the beach by Martin, while our videographers Richard and Dan disappeared off to a van down the lane alongside the beach. I dragged my dress through leaves, twigs and stones, shimmied my massive skirt through the gate and kicked off my shoes, flinging them at Rich to hold, desperate to get my toes in the sand! I had been a bit nervous about the “coupley” shoot, Rich and I don’t tend to spend hours gazing lovingly into eachother’s eyes, and I was worried our smoochy shots would look forced and awkward, but when we were walking towards the shoreline with the wind billowing my veil high and fluttering my gigantic eyelashes, I felt this surge of love and excitement start in my tummy and I couldn’t help but cwtch and kiss my gorgeous husband, the smiles and touches were REAL and felt as natural as the sea breeze through my hair

Martin my photographer was a dot in the distance and it felt like we were alone in the world! Then suddenly, this almost deafening buzzing sound came out of nowhere, we turned around to see the gigantic drone swooping towards us, circling and taking long cinematic shots from the bright blue sky above, the noise was incredible, the wind was picking up, my heart was racing and I was almost squealing with excitement, we could see people in the distance hovering around the edge of the beach pointing at us, probably wondering who the celebrities were! It was a truly exhilarating part of the day, and those moments will stay in my mind and my heart forever.

Tell us about your Wedding Dress

I got my gown from Cariad Bridal in Swansea. It was nothing like what I had in my head. I wanted classy, perhaps some lace, maybe sleeves to cover my much-hated bingo wings, and definitely under no circumstances did I want strapless. I took one of my besties with me on that special first shopping trip, and as soon as I walked into the dressing area, my gown sparkled from between the rails, a strapless sweetheart bodice encrusted with a million Swarovski crystals above a gigantic flowing tulle skirt dotted with even more crystals. No, it actually winked at me. I could hear it whispering “look how sparkly I am! Look how princessy! You’ve wanted me since you were 6! Try me! You know you want to!” Ohhhh I wanted to. And so I did. And my God did it sparkle! The massive skirt poofed and swirled, and when they pulled in the corset, my waist disappeared! I’d been in there 10 minutes. I looked at my friend Kayleigh and she was reading my mind with this grin on her face but I was like NO WAY. Not the first one!? So I tried on a few more. About 14 more. But over 2 hours later, sweaty, exhausted and underwhelmed with every other beautiful style, shape, material and length, I admitted defeat and tried on the princess dress one more time. And this time, we shed a little tear.

  But I didn’t buy it on the spot. I wanted to ‘browse’ other shops, stretch the experience out a little longer, when deep down, my mind was made up. After 2 different boutique visits, I couldn’t wait any longer and booked into Cariad again, this time with my mum and sisters. When I stepped out and saw the look on their faces and my mum’s very words to me were “I can’t imagine you in anything else, love” I knew this was The One. And so the theme was born! Sparkle all the way!

Who did you pick as your bridesmaids &/or best man and why?

I’ve got a lot of friends! Old friends from nursery, new best friends, favourite drinking buddies, confidants, and college chicks, I love them all so much! But choosing bridesmaids can be a little cray-cray. It was gonna be like “I couldn’t have her without her, but I’ve known her longer so should have her, but that means I can’t leave her and I definitely have to have her, which means she is in too, but then it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t have her…” And so on, and so on. I could have ended up with about 15. But I’m lucky enough to have 2 beautiful sisters so I made the decision early on that my maids would ONLY be my sisters, Sandra and Suzanne. And what beautiful maids they were too! And they did an amazing job! They supported me and every decision I made, not to mention throwing me literally the most amazing and best hen party I’ve ever been on in my life! I honestly can’t love them and thank them enough.

Rich’s best man was his friend Terry. They’ve been friends for a long time and he was the perfect choice, he supported Rich through the day, was funny, chatty, and full of beans, and kept the dance floor busy! Rich’s brother John was also a special presence, he had travelled such a long way from the top of Scotland and was the only member of Rich’s family able to make it so it was lovely having him at Rich’s side. And lovely for me to have a new brother in law!

Why did you choose your venue?

We had been to The Oxwich Bay Hotel for a friends wedding in 2014 and absolutely loved it, but didn’t initially think of it for our own venue as I didn’t want to copy my friend… Although she was flattered when I said I had decided to go and check it out, what bigger compliment is there to your wedding than one of your friends enjoying it so much that they want their own big day there too?! And I’m so glad we did. I remember walking up the drive on a dark cold January night and seeing the trees lit up and swaying in the winter breeze and hearing the sound of the sea crashing onto the shore beyond the wall, I had chills and not just from the cold!

Everything was perfect from start to finish, we had an amazing wedding coordinator Jess who was like Wonder Woman, nothing was a big ask, she didn’t say no to anything, and literally helped me empty the contents of my wedding fuelled imagination out into real life. The food was superb, gorgeous drinks, fabulous staff and the view, well… you can see for yourself, it’s truly breathtaking. It is the jewel on the Gower and we couldn’t have picked a better more beautiful location, it was everything we had dreamed of and more!

Tell us about your photographer

Our photographer was the gorgeous Martin Ellard of My Big Day Photos. I chose him without even meeting him, I was wandering around a wedding fayre and spotted his display where a beautiful photo of a bride looking tearfully up at her father making his speech caught my eye. Actually, it caught my heart, my breath, and my surprise as my own eyes welled up with emotion. Martin doesn’t just take pictures, he captures moments, and while he was busy chatting to another couple, I swiped a business card and that was that! And what a service he provides. We chatted on Facebook, I bumped into him in a couple more wedding fayres, he came to the house a few days beforehand and he really took the time to get to know us, listened to my ideas, brought up some amazing ones of his own and was an absolute superstar on the day. From encouraging me to eat more toast in the morning, calming me down when I was having a makeup breakdown, helping my sister tie up my dress, fixing my veil in place (and it didn’t budge all day and night!) he was literally like an honorary bridesmaid!

He was so unassuming, we barely noticed him hovering around, and yet along with Jess, he ran the day with such precision and grace, organising the shoots, arranging people, making sure we were in the right places at the right times, always on hand if I yelled for him with some inane question that wasn’t technically in his remit, such as “does my hair still look ok?” “Have you seen my dad anywhere?” “What’s happening next?” “did you see where I put my wine?” He was amazing and I can’t thank him enough for everything he did. And as you can see from the results of the stunning and breathtaking moments he’s captured… Well I think the pictures speak for themselves. Unlike me, who couldn’t speak for tears when I saw them! He even managed to capture a moment where my own dad was making his speech and I was looking up at him with the same love and emotion that I’d seen in that very first photo of his that I saw, but this time it was my wedding, my tear filled eyes and my dad.

That made my heart burst. He was a dream come true, and I can’t recommend him highly enough.

How did the proposal happen? 

Our proposal story isn’t actually very traditional, despite being The Traditional Bride that I am! There was no blended knee, no grand gestures, Rich didn’t even ask my dad’s permission! It was Christmas Eve 2013, I was shattered coming home late after a shift behind the bar when Rich suggested we open our presents there and then. He’s so impatient, but we were heading off to my sister’s for a big family Christmas dinner and were going to have a long and busy day the next day so I agreed. We took it in turns opening gifts, and I noticed Rich starting to do this weird heavy breathing through his nose, like a bull about to charge. He had gracefully accepted his dressing gown, cd and other standard man-gifts and I was chuffed with my trainers, jumper and obligatory perfume and smellies so I didn’t know why he was looking so stressed out. The last gift was taking me ages to unwrap, it was sellotaped within an inch of its life and I was tearing and shaking and flapping the gift around (cleverly disguised in a much larger box than a ring!) while Rich was frowning and breathing more and more heavily, it was all a bit awkward if I’m honest! Then ta daa, this smaller box flew into my lap and I opened it, barely registering what it was til it caught the light from the kitchen behind me and BOOM there was my sparkly future. I looked at Rich in shock and he croakily uttered those 4 words every girl dreams of: “Put It On Then.” 9 years after we first met and we had finally sealed the deal!

Any DIY stories/tutorials you’d like to share?

I’m quite artistic and wanted to do a few things myself, but boy did I regret it! I had quite a quirky idea for my Save The Dates, I ordered loads of little plain, flat wooden door-hangers (similar to the “do not disturb” signs you get in hotels) decorated them with diamantés, glittery flower stickers and just printed the info on to coloured shimmery paper, along with a few pics of Rich and I, and glued them on. They were easy and fun to make and really cheap, I ordered everything from Amazon. But the invitations… I never ever want to make any kind of papercraft ever again! They took me MONTHS! From emailing one of my Wedding Squad all the various info I wanted for her to kindly print out in reams (because there’s only so much sneaky printing I could get away with in my own workplace!) to the cutting on the guillotine of all the sheets into all the various ‘inserts’ and creating little pocketfold flaps in each invitation (the basic cards I bought off Amazon) to gluing it all together and adding various diamantés and patterned tape and sparkly stickers… Each invite took at least 30 minutes to complete and I had LOADS! With a full time job and a part time business, I was only averaging 2 or 3 a night, I struggled to find the time and after all the day guest invites finally went out, I lost all motivation, ran out of time, admitted defeat and all of my night guests received Facebook messenger invitations! Well, we are in 2016 after all! I made my own table plan just printing off the names of my guests and putting them in a tall, narrow and cute stand-up photo frame with a couple of pics of Rich and I. And my favours were little sample sachets of the aloe vera products which I retail with my business. Nothing wrong with a bit of promotion to all of my nearest and dearest! They went down a storm and I even had a few sales after the event! But never ever in a million years would I make invitations like that again! Everyone loved them, but I get bored writing Christmas cards after a while, and I still haven’t got through my thank you cards, so how I thought I’d manage creating over 100 intricate fiddly little paper creations, I will never know!

What was your first dance & why?

The first dances were very special. Yes, you read that right, dances… We had 3! I’m a daddy’s girl and having a father/daughter dance was important to me, but I didn’t expect my dad to be that up for it! But he totally was, and he spent ages trawling YouTube until he decided on Nancy Sinatra’s ‘For My Dad.’ It was emotional and fun all at once, being twirled by my dad around the dance floor, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house!

And then Rich and I smooched and swayed to the hauntingly beautiful ‘Strong’ by London Grammar. The song had no special meaning to us, I just loved it, every time I heard it, it gave me goosepimples and it’s a little bit different. But the third dance was definitely the most entertaining! Because what Rich didn’t know was that half way through our ‘first dance’ I was going to tell him to take my shoes off and go and sit down.

He had to take them off for me, partly because I couldn’t really reach them under my enormous dress, and partly as a cue to the DJ who would be pressing play on the third song… Which wasn’t really one song, it was a compilation of 5 different songs to which me, my sister/bridesmaid Sandra and my 2 oldest besties Emma and Louise had been practicing an absolutely fabulous (if I do say so myself) group dance under the amazing choreography of my friend Sarah. We had spent weeks in the function room of my old local rugby club spending every spare evening we could get together without suspicion, we even managed an on-site practice in the marquee of the Oxwich Bay a week before the wedding thanks to my amazing planner Jess!

And Rich didn’t have a clue! His face as he wandered awkwardly off the dance floor clutching my shoes was hilarious… But the penny soon dropped as we got into formation and he was cheering down the front! As a former holiday rep, I loved the idea of throwing some shapes in front of a crowd, but my poor girls were almost sick with nerves all day beforehand and were very glad to get it over with! But I can’t thank them enough for their participation. You can watch the end result here! 

In hindsight, was there anything you would have done differently?

There’s only two things I would have changed about my wedding day… I’m a social media addict, so keeping my pictures, and especially my dress, offline until I was ready to share was a big deal to me. I wrote it in my order of service, I got the registrar to make an announcement before the ceremony, under no circumstances were any pics or vids of my day to be posted on social media until the evening, after the night guests had arrived. But the message got a little lost in translation, and people were terrified to touch their iPhones throughout the service, which was fine, I wanted everyone to feel it with me through their eyes, not their screens, but I forgot one very important thing… My beautiful and talented friend Nikki had travelled all the way down from Newcastle on her own with her 1 year old baby to sing me down the aisle at my wedding. We lived together in Menorca during our holiday repping season, she was an Entertainer, and her opera-trained voice gave me goosepimples, so despite not seeing each other for 5 years, I chose the song, she learnt it and practiced it and sent me a whatsapp video of the final version, and on the big day, I barely heard a word! That couple of minutes when my dad walked me down the aisle and everyone was smiling and crying at me was such a blur that’s hardly heard Nikki sing a note.

And of course, nobody recorded it. Everyone told me it was beautiful but I could kick myself, months of her hard work, and I didn’t even think to dedicate one person to just film Nikki singing from start to end. How nice would that have been, for her too, her first live performance in years, and such a beautiful song and singer, I wish I had just asked one person to point their phone at her and record the whole 3 minutes! My videographer has told me he has the majority of it recorded so I’m hoping to watch it properly at some point but I am gutted I didn’t think of that before. So be careful with an unplugged ceremony dudes and dudettes, you may miss something you wish you had captured! Oh and I forgot to throw my bloody bouquet! I’ve caught a few in my time, and couldn’t wait to throw my own, but the day ploughed on, and it just never happened! But I was glad a few days later when my bouquet was still intact and I got to place it on my Nanna’s grave.

Do you have any advice for future couples?

As my mum said a million times to me in the last 6 months, “don’t sweat the small stuff!” Coming from me, who was having a breakdown when I realised I had forgotten the matching pen for my wedding guest book, this may sound a bit hypocritical, but that’s why I’m saying it. Before my big day, every wedding disaster scenario was running through my monkey mind, I was having genuine wedding nightmares every night, panicking about colour-coordinated drinking straws, distance between tables and dance floor, timings, weather, car crashes, things catching fire, the photobooth collapsing, nobody turning up, the list (I love lists!) goes on. So if I could just get it through to you brides-to-be that you’re going to wake up on the morning of your big day without a care in the world, matching drinking straws or not! You won’t care about anything except loving every second and marrying the man of your dreams!

I just wish I had listened myself, because I wasted a lot of time and lost a lot of sleep over things that were either out of my control or completely irrelevant. Enjoy the run up, enjoy the planning, embrace the mess your house will be in, because when it’s all over, if you’re like me, your house will still be messy, but it won’t be full of car ribbons, pom-poms, crystals, confetti and excitement! So let go of the outcome, do what you can to make your wedding the day of your dreams but don’t let it get to you, because even if the odd thing goes wrong, your decorations are slightly squiffy or God forbid you have to have a regular biro for guests to sign your guestbook, in the wise words of Dr Seuss, those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind! Remember as much as you can. It sounds obvious, but if you can take seconds throughout the day where you just look at your partner and enjoy a mutual WOW moment, it really will soothe the soul and keep the memories alive long after the day has been and gone! Take a breath, look around at all the people you adore who are smiling, laughing, loving the experience alongside you, squeeze your partner’s hand, smell the aromas of your chosen yummy food, taste the champers and feel the fizz on your tongue, feel the glow, feel your own heart beating and literally soak those seconds up because it’s over in the blink of an eye. Oh, and break your shoes in, ladies. And if you don’t do that, take flatties for the night, you’re gonna need them!

What’s the best piece of marriage advice you received?

I’ve had so much amazing advice from everyone (including sage words lovingly/drunkenly written in my hen party guest book such as “always look both ways when you cross the road” “snog lots” and “always have sex”) but the best thing I’ve realised has been more of an example than actual imparted advice. My parents have been married for 52 years and even now, when they’re alone together, they laugh and laugh and laugh, it melts my heart. I LOVE laughing, and a giggle can brighten up any situation. So don’t take yourself too seriously. Be silly, be yourself, and laugh as much as you can.

There are going to be hard times, that’s life, but if you can turn a frown upside down, you’re in a better position to get through anything. It seems to be working so far. But I’m still in the buzz, still living the dream! Ask me this time next year how I turn an argument into a giggle and I may not be as gracious as I seem now! But if you’re lucky enough to have a husband who is as secretly weird and stupid as you are, you’ll be alright.

What was your favourite thing about planning a wedding?

Everything. Literally, there is nothing I disliked about the planning. For almost 2 years, my mind was laid out in spreadsheets, scrap books, budgets, clip files, brochures, appointments, lists, lists and lists! And I enjoyed every second of it. The last couple of weeks were hectic, I lost 6lbs in a week when things got so stressful at the end, but it was the most luscious feeling of stress ever and I miss it intensely. There is such a thing as the wedding hormone, it’s not just planning an event, so much thought, time, effort and incredible attention to detail goes into your wedding day that it’s easy to lose yourself completely in it, I felt like my day job was just a nuisance, from morning til night my head was in this wedding bubble and I’m actually in the depths of despair now that it’s all over! I have no more lists to make, no more seating plans to painstakingly arrange, no more timescales to meet and no more appointments and meetings to organise and there’s a hideous wedding shaped hole in my life right now! Planning was a dream but I can’t take full responsibility because I had an amazing team of friends and family behind me helping me tie up all the loose ends, but I can honestly say, the last 6 months were the busiest and best few months of my life.

The Suppliers

Photographer: Martin Ellard – My Big Day Photos Videographer: Richard John Wedding Planner: Jess Morris at The Oxwich Bay Hotel Ceremony Venue: The Chestnut Room at The Oxwich Bay Hotel Reception Venue: The Marquee at The Oxwich Bay Hotel Bride’s Dress: Cariad Bridal Swansea Bride’s Headpiece and Veil: Cariad Bridal Swansea Bride’s Jewellery: New Look, Warren James Bride’s Shoes: Iron Fist Groom’s Outfit: Armani Bridesmaid Dresses: Quiz Bridesmaid’s Accessories: Quiz, New Look Cake: Rhian Higgins – Higgins Home Bakes Ammanford Flowers: Petals Florists Ammanford Hair: Emma Whitley from Sparkles Hair, Nails & Beauty Crosshands Makeup: Mac, Urban Decay, Rimmel Band: “Them 2 Fellas” Andy Given & Pete Smith DJ: Starlit Events Photobooth: Starlit Events Stationery: Amazon Decor/props: Amazon Transport: Dusk Til Dawn Limos Ammanford

The Wedding Album

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