#(well kinda) (i swear all the weird spooky stuff will make sense soon)

[hermannsthumb]

you should totally do something with ksci janitor’s vamp newt it’s so just so good

i sure will! in a vampire mood this weekend. @k-sci-janitor's vampire newt found here. warnings for quick mention of drinking, allusions to sexy stuff, and also the different kind of drinking you'd expect from a vampire fic (tho on the vague side)

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The circumstances that led Newt down the unwitting path of immortality and general un-dead-ness are, in hindsight, honestly kind of embarrassing. It'd be one thing if he could say it happened in the pursuit of, like, knowledge, like the fierce jellyfish sting scar on his wrist leftover from a research expedition when he was twenty-two or the equally fierce one on his knee received in response to his question (at the age of five) of what would happen if I jumped out of this very tall tree?, or even something unrelated to his extensive biology career, something impressive, y'know, Van Helsing style, something like tracking down some vampire king and barely escaping with his life (un-life?)—not what really happened, which was little more than a bad date. And not even the worst date that Newt's been on, if you can believe it.

Newt was young and stupid then. He still is young and stupid, technically, though the former by appearance only. (Eternally pushing thirty. If he could've picked, he would've done twenty-eight, just before his handful of grey hairs started cropping up. Newt's had almost forty-five years of staring in the mirror at those four fucking grey hairs. He gave up dyeing them around the nineties. Not worth it. Still annoying.) He liked to do what young and stupid people did, like get stupid tattoos, and have a stupid haircut, and get drunk at stupid punk shows and not stumble home until he'd had at least one regrettable hook-up with a stranger and maybe lost his wallet. (The two were often related.) That particular thing was what did him in that night. It was a different time back then, man—if a dude showed even the slightest inkling that he ran in Newt's sort of circle, if you caught his drift, Newt fucking jumped at the chance.

(The band was on their second set of the evening and Newt had already screamed himself hoarse with singing along. He'd ducked outside in a back alleyway for only a second to get some fresh air, the club suddenly too hot and smokey for him to handle, and was just about to go back inside and close out his tab for the night when he realized he wasn't alone. There was someone—he was sure—lurking in the shadows a few feet away. He could hear breathing. He could see—eyes, maybe, in the dim neon light of the bar sign overhead. "Hello?" he'd called.

"Have a light?" the person called back.

They emerged from the shadows, and Newt felt himself relax at once. It was some spooky-looking guy he remembered seeing in the club, leather jacket, boots heavier than Newt's, dark hair and eyeliner. Tall. Newt remembered him, firstly, because he thought he was hot, and secondly, because he swore he caught the guy staring at him at least three times, and to Newt, that was as good as any pick-up line. He was wagging an unlit cigarette at Newt now. He was taller than Newt thought he was back in the bar—much taller, at least a full head on Newt. His eyes were a golden-brown, almost yellow, like a cat's, and Newt found himself unable to tear his own away from them. "L—light?" Newt echoed.

The guy stuck the cigarette in his mouth and arched a perfect eyebrow. Newt didn't smoke, but he did keep a lighter on him for occasions like this. He fumbled through his pockets for it while the guy stepped closer. "I was watching you," he told Newt, while Newt raised the lighter to the cigarette, "in there."

The flame danced and glinted against his eyes. Newt swallowed. "Uh-huh?" he said.

He flicked the lighter shut, leaving them both bathed in nothing but pink neon. A hand slid up against the wall next to Newt's right shoulder. Another plucked at the left lapel of his jacket. Newt was still staring at those eyes. "What's your name?" the guy said, in a puff of cigarette smoke.

"Um." Newt's leather jacket was being pushed off his shoulders. He felt his long hair being tucked to the side of his neck. All at once something seemed in snap in Newt—some reminder of where he was, and what he came here hoping for in the first place. Some hot dude was eyeing Newt up all night long, and now he was actually coming onto Newt, and Newt was about to get laid. He grinned. "Newt," he said. "Just call me that. You were watching me, huh?"

"All night," the guy said.

Newt's jacket hit the ground with a soft thump. A knee was being pushed between his. Newt felt his cheeks heat up a little—he wasn't used to people being this forward with him, and especially not in a semi-public place like this. Usually they at least made a show of offering up their apartment first. "What, um, what for?" he said.

They were kissing. Newt was clinging to the back of his jacket. And then he was kissing Newt's neck, and then he was—

"That kinda hurts," Newt mumbled. "Um, dude, I think your—your fuckin', tongue piercing cut me, or something. It's—"

It was hard to keep his eyes open. His neck felt weird. The guy was into biting, apparently, biting really hard, and yikes, that was going to leave a super embarrassing hickey that Newt would have to explain to his students somehow on Monday, but it also felt really good, like, Newt was maybe getting off kinda good, and Newt thought, dizzily, that he should at least return the favor before he finished up and collapsed in a happy heap on the ground. So he did.

The guy pulled back with a hiss. "Ow. What—?"

Newt tasted something coppery in his mouth, and he panicked and swallowed on instinct. "Oh, shit, dude, I'm sorry," he slurred. His voice sounded like it was a million miles away. "I was trying to be—sexy. Um." There was blood on the guy's chin. He was staring at Newt in something akin to horror. Dark circles were spotting Newt's vision. "I think you cut your lip," he said, and then he passed out.

Newt was alone when he woke up. It was still dark, too. He walked the two miles home, collapsing in bed, fully-clothed, just before dawn, and he didn't wake up again until sunset. He forgot his jacket, but at least he remembered his wallet this time.)

So, anyway, Newt thinks he can be forgiven if he...embellishes stuff a little when, for the first time in his whole long life, he finally spills the details to someone. Also, no way is he admitting the truth to Hermann of all people.

"There were a bunch of murders in the area at the time," he says, while Hermann, angled on his side next to him in bed, watches him raptly. It's kind of weird pillow talk, but their pillow talk rarely isn't weird. Usually Hermann will launch into a critique of Newt's latest pet theory before Newt's even caught his breath. At least he very courteously waited for Newt get a glass of water from the bathroom first this time. "Really brutal ones. Like, throats torn out, blood drained. Really nasty shit. Everyone was saying they were some kinda bizarre wolf pack attacks, but I knew better."

"Of course you did," Hermann says, running his hand down Newt's chest, and Newt can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not. (He has a feeling he is.)

"You bet," Newt says. "It took me months of, um, super hard research. Finally I hunted him down to this—" Newt debates the coolest lair possible of a vampire, and then remembers Lost Boys, which, even though he resents it slightly for totally stealing the vampire vibes he was going for, is still a kick-ass movie. "—this weird cave, where he lived. The king of the vampires. I won, obviously, but he fought back, and he managed to infect me just before I hammered the, um, the wooden stake into his heart."

"So courageous," Hermann says. He reaches up and tucks a piece of Newt's long hair back. Hermann being totally cool with the whole vampire thing, and maybe even possibly into the whole vampire thing, is probably the last thing in the world Newt expected from him. They're no strangers to hooking up during long late nights of science, but Newt swears it's gotten more frequent. "You must've been terrified."

"Nah," Newt says, though he remembers the glint of the flame off those yellow eyes, and he shivers. Hermann notices; his eyes, not yellow, but a warm shade of brown that makes Newt feel like he's being wrapped in a blanket, soften. If Newt could still blush, he would. "I'm—um—I'm pretty brave."

Newt hadn't exactly been planning on telling Hermann about the whole thing, but (last week) he had the very unfortunate timing of beginning a late-night dinner just as an oblivious Hermann strolled back into the lab to pick up his forgotten pair of glasses. To his credit, he only freaked out a little when he saw Newt draining a blood bag like a fucking Capri-Sun, and even then (after what felt like ten years of horrible, horrible silence) all he said was "You're the one who's been stealing those from medical?"

Look. Newt hasn't drank from a human being the entirety of his un-life, and he doesn't plan on it any time soon. He's...a vegetarian. Effectively. It's sort of the reason he picked up a medical degree along the way once he got tired of breaking into blood banks. Even if it's still a little ethically dubious to steal blood like that, at least he's not swooping around on unsuspecting people like that—goth asshole who swooped in on him did. (Newt's never managed to find out who he was—he suspects he was some sort of vampire drifter in town that night just to find a victim. And Newt just had to think with his dick at the worst possible time.)

Hermann tucks another strand of Newt's hair back. Newt also did not expect how fast Hermann became cool with the whole thing, but on the other hand, giant aliens are clawing their way out of the ocean on a bi-monthly basis these days. It's hard to be skeptical about most things. ("Well, it does make logical sense," Hermann had said with an eyeroll. "When you consider some of your rather more bizarre quirks, I mean. I ought to have guessed it ages ago. I suppose that's why you have that awful haircut," and that stung, because yeah, Newt hasn't felt like changing it up since the seventies, and why should he, it kinda rules? but he just laughed it off and said, "You're one to fucking talk, dude!") "Newton," Hermann says now, gently, "what actually happened?"

Newt sighs. Hermann always knows when he's lying about shit. "I was making out with a vampire in an alleyway and then he bit me. And—um—I kinda didn't notice at first, 'cause it felt... good."

"Mm," Hermann says. The corner of his mouth twitches up. "That's more along the lines of what I expected. That, or you were hounding him for details like a proper biologist and he got tired of answering your inane questions."

"Very funny," Newt says. "Ha."

Hermann rolls away from him and stretches his arms above his head. Newt watches his throat work as he yawns, swallowing down a sudden lump in his own, and he feels a surge of something hot and—alien—in the pit of his stomach. "Over forty years," Hermann says. He picks up Newt's discarded sweatshirt from the floor and tugs it down over his head. "You must get terrifically lonely."

Newt half-shrugs. "I guess. I'm kinda used to it by now." His dad (who never brought up how Newt's aging seemed to be at a standstill when they saw each other, not once) is long-gone. Newt's tried dating, but no one's ever seemed to be into it as much as he is—and besides, it's not like he could ever do the actual til death do us part thing unless he went against every ethical bone in his body and made someone like him. When the internet became a thing, he considered making a forum or something to find more of his kind, but the thought everyone just being like the guy who accidentally turned him in the first place terrified him and he killed the page before it even left infancy. So, without any better ideas, Newt forged some paperwork and leaned pretty hard into the world of academia to fill up his sad little hole of a heart, resigned himself to casual flings with anyone who seemed interested, and it mostly worked. Mostly. And then the kaiju came along, and then so did... "You make it a little bit better," he confesses.

Hermann lays back down next to him. "I do?" he says.

Newt thinks he sees something like that hot, hungry feeling he felt in his stomach flash behind Hermann's eyes. He nods.

Hermann suddenly kisses Newt, pulling him down on top of him, and then tugs the collar of Newt's stolen sweatshirt down below his collarbone. He drags Newt's hand up to press against his throat. Newt feels the erratic beat of Hermann's pulse beneath his fingertips, his heart pounding against his ribcage (pressed up against Newt's silent one), and he almost moans. "Have you ever...?" Hermann murmurs, gazing up at Newt through his dark eyelashes.

"N—never," Newt stammers. "I told you."

"Do you want to?" Hermann says. Newt tries not to gape. "Just a bit at a time, whenever you need. You wouldn't have to steal those silly blood bags anymore. And—" He hesitates. "I admit I am curious. About the sensation."

"Um," Newt says. "I—"

He feels something sharp poking his lower lip. Fangs. His fangs. Oh, shit, he's never had that happen before. He forces himself off of Hermann before he does something stupid.

"Maybe, um, maybe later?" he squeaks, while Hermann just smiles at him.

[machinegunbun]

Did we ever get the freaky colson fic? Asking for a friend

Yenno what? I’ve been practically starving yall so i think you earned it. Ask (for a friend) and you shall receive. Buckle up kiddos, this ones a doozy.

TW?: Like? everything. everything is a problem here lmao. Just weird. H/A stands for haunted attraction, i had one in mind but it felt disrespectful to mention.

I present to you... The Freaky Fic ™

                                                           ~*~*~

You knew this interviewer had a history of asking personal questions, which meant when you came on you were completely expecting to be asked something or other in regards to you and Colsons sex life, but asking about the freakiest sex you’ve ever had still felt a little forward. You weren’t thirty minutes into what would be an hour-and-forty-three-minute podcast and he was already pulling out what you originally thought to the big guns. Your eyes met Colsons as you silently tried to decide whether or not you should avoid the question.

“I already know what it would be, I'm just not sure we should say.”

“It’s that bad?” The interviewer asks

“Well, it’s more that everyone is gonna say its white people shit. Cause it is.” You took a moment to think about the statement “It wasn’t incest though! Obviously. Just a little weird.”

“What was it?” Colson asked, mind reeling through your personal kama sutra for anything that would stand out as the freakiest. Colson and you were definitely not vanilla, but that was the problem, wasn’t it? When you’ve done so much weird stuff, it’s hard to rank which would be the weirdest.

“The [H/a].” You say, watching as a flash of recognition falls over his face

“Seriously? That’s the worst thing you could think of? Cause I can think of, like, five worse than that, just off the top of my head.”

 “I mean, it’s definitely not the freakiest, but it’s a good story without it being super embarrassing or personal.” Colson nods in agreement, mumbling a small “Right”

“Yeah, go ahead. You can tell it.” He says, turning to face you in his spinny chair.

“Okay, so, I’m very superstitious and, like, paranoid right? I mean, I literally will not sleep in a room that has a mirror facing me. It doesn’t even have to be facing me, it could be facing the wall opposite me, but it has to be covered. I don’t even really trust it when it’s covered, honestly, I prefer it to be face down to the floor. Because mirrors are supposed to be portals to the after life, or whatever, and I remember hearing that if one is facing you while you sleep it’s easier for ghosts to manipulate you. It’s not that I necessarily believe that, or that I think if I slept with a mirror facing me that I’d die or something, but that I respect it. However, I think when places are advertised as haunted they usually aren’t. I mean you see these youtubers go to these places and film all these videos and it’s just- That’s not how hauntings usually are. Ghosts have an ability, to an extent, to manipulate your emotion. Have you ever heard of someone suddenly being overwhelmed by an emotion because they believe a loved one is near? It’s more like that, it’s very spiritual. Being haunted, coming from someone who ghosts seem to love, is nine times out of ten nothing like what Hollywood portrays it to be. It’s not to say that I think every one of these youtubers is lying, I think some of them definitely are, or that they were scared and when you’re scared it’s easy to blow little noises out of the water, but mostly I think it has to do with the places themself.”

Your story was cut off by the interviewer asking a question, 

“Hold on, you aren’t about to make a joke about freaky also meaning spooky, right?”  The interviewer asks

“I mean, you could totally make that joke, but it’s definitely a little kinky. I’m just giving some background.”

“Okay, continue.”

“Where was I? Oh, yes. I think when you go somewhere that is advertised as haunted they are selling you an experience. If you went to the [H/a] and nothing happened, some people would be disappointed by that and would want their money back, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“I think some of these places have audio recordings and mechanised doors, things that they can use to manipulate every room and give you a good scare. This is all theory, by the way, so don’t sue us.”

“You really think it's more plausible that they have a whole control room to scare people and that none of the workers have ever squealed than believe that these places are just… haunted?” The interviewer asked

“I don’t know. Maybe, if they only allowed people with a certain seniority and made them sign an NDA? And if the ones who control it get to give their coworkers a little scare so they come online and say they’ve had their own experiences? Yeah, I think it makes sense, and it's making them money, so why would they stop?”

“Okay, I guess.” He nodded along, entertaining the idea

“But, I also believe that if you talk to ghosts or call on them they will show up, so it’s kinda” you made a scale motion with your hands before continuing.

“Anyway, I went on board with this in mind. We were in our room, cuddled up on the bed and-” you took a moment to recall that night “I don’t remember if we were waiting for something to happen, or if it already had and we were waiting for something else. Anyway, we must’ve gotten bored, because we started making out.”

The crappy old hotel sheets shifted under you as your lips met Colsons, his warm hand reaching over to rest on your lower back. The kiss quickly became heated, your mouths smashing into one another, his tongue swiping across your bottom lip while his hand pulled you closer, your own reaching down to rub his growing bulge.

A short, fast knock came from the wall, breaking both the kiss and the silence.

“Oh, do you like that?” You ask, continuing to massage him through his loose sweatpants. Colson originally thought you had been referring to him, but quickly caught onto the fact that you were addressing the ‘ghost’. 

“Hm, what about this?” You continued, kissing your way down his body, pulling his pants down when you got to them and sliding his tip between your lips. A barely audible creak erupted from the room beside you, the bathroom sink had turned on, a small stream of water pouring aimlessly down into the sink. 

“Does that make you wet?” You ask, sucking one of his balls into your mouth as you stroke him. Colson found the whole act to be a bit odd, but you seemed to be enjoying yourself, so he let you continue. As fucked up as it was, the idea of a third party watching as the two of you were doing your thing was really getting you going. It wouldn’t have been a big deal to some, other than the fact that the supposed third party was a ghost.

“Do you like watching us fuck?” You slid your mouth down the length of his prick, hollowing out your cheeks before coming back up to continue “Tell me what you want me to do to him next.” You offer up, glancing up at Colson who looked equal parts freaked out and turned on.

“You’re crazy. God that’s hot.” He said, throwing his head back while you let out a small laugh. A book slides from the coffee table across the room, falling to the floor and landing on its spine, flipping open to a random page. You weren’t entirely sure what that implied, but the only thing that came to mind was him fucking you on that table. You took a moment to ponder it before deciding if you tried it would break and that you didn’t wanna bother paying the place for a new one.

You began kissing your way back up his body instead, admiring his tattoos as you go. Your lips landed back on his, reaching down to slide the tip of his prick through your folds, gathering your arousal. Stopping the kiss for a moment, you opened your mouth to take a breath. Colson took this opportunity to spit in your mouth, connecting your lips again soon after.

“Think the ghost liked that?” He said, reaching down to grab his hard dick from your hand, teasing your hole. You shrugged, leaning back into the kiss, moving your hips along with his movements. 

After a minute or two of teasing, you swore you felt the bed begin to shake. It started off slow and small, almost as if Colson was shaking under you and it was transferring to the bed, before slowly building to a much more noticeable rumble.

“Oh, I think it wants us to shake the bed.” You say, a smirk playing on your lips, a gasp falling past them as you felt colson slip inside you. You happily obliged, the sound of skin slapping against skin filled the room. You didn’t realise how badly you needed this, you couldn’t help the moans slipping past your lips as you fucked each other as hard as you could manage, trying your best to make sure the bed shook. You were looking down at Colson when suddenly his face disappeared, replaced by impenetrable darkness.

“What the fuck.” The interviewer mentioned, more amused than judgemental “I can't believe you’re telling me this. I can’t believe this isn’t the freakiest shit you’ve ever done.”

“Well, the ghost thing was kind of a joke. I mean, it happened, but it was more about the fact that someone was obviously watching us, or the concept of that.”

“Right, right. You guys like an audience, I see.”

“While it was dark though, I swear I felt a hand slide up the side of my thigh, I know it wasn’t Colsons cause I could-” You cut yourself off “I’m not gonna say how, but I felt both of his hands on me.” 

“Oh shit, forreal? You never told me that part.” Colson said, you gave a small nod in his direction before continuing.

 “But then the lights came back on.”

The lights had only been off for about a minute, small sounds of things moving barely audible over the sounds you two had been making, Colson flipping you over in the dark, pounding away at your hips. When they flicked back on, the room was messy, your eyes scanned the room, falling on the complimentary ouija that sat on the table first. It had fallen out of its box, the lid on the floor next to it. Next, you realized the closet had slid open, it had one of those bendy doors that made it so when you slid it open it bent out towards you, they were called bifold closet doors, if you remembered correctly. 

It was slid halfway open to reveal the empty closet behind it, the only thing adorning the shelf being a couple lone close hangers. As you watched, one looked as if it were smacked off and fell to the floor.

“It wasn’t hot anymore at that point. I didn’t see anything, I think it was my paranoia-- remember when you were a little kid laying in bed and you were like, there is a person crouching beside my bed right now and if I look over the edge at them they will have no more incentive not to kill me?” A silent understanding “It was like that, I don't know how but I know what they look like and I was fully convinced that person was crouching next to us on the bed and if I looked over there I would see him. Because the bed was on the wall, and it’s a big bed, a queen I believe, and colson and I are laying with our head at the foot of it, there was plenty of room to the side of us cause we weren’t exactly in the middle. “Wait, you said that you believed the hauntings were mechanical, so do you think this was a ghost, or a worker?”

“I think it may have been the lady at the front desk, because when we came out she asked us if we were having a good day. I don't know. I don’t think I’ve ever been turned off so fast, I mean at first the idea of a ghost or a worker watching us have sex was hot, but the thought of that… thing being there with us-- That wasn’t hot. We just, kinda, silently put our clothes on and walked out to the lobby. We went back later and got our stuff and checked out early. All I know is it was a dumb fucking idea.”

The day after the interview was released twitter was filled with variations of “If Mgk and his girlfriend wanted an audience they could’ve just asked me.” 

Guess you should’ve expected that one.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

The Misadventures of Prince Kim - chapter 25

(aka the royalty AU story)

Huh, these are some adorable characters we’ve got here, right? It would be a shame if something... happened to them... >:D

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24] [AO3]

The summer holidays began, and most of the students returned to their home countries for the long break. Kim left with Marinette and went to Cheng, and Max and Alix took the ocean liner to the northern port before going their separate ways.

It wasn’t that the journey made Alix feel irritable and tired, since she had taken that journey before and it wasn’t even that long. Perhaps it had been the fact that she hadn’t yet caught up on the sleep she missed the other night, where her brain had kept her awake for hours trying to think of how to let Kim down as gently as possible.

Considering this was the first year of her life she’d actually had any close friends, she had found herself more terrified of losing Kim’s friendship than she had realized. In fact, if he hadn’t run off immediately after confessing to her then she probably would have just agreed to be his sweetheart on the spot, just to keep him around. At least she’d had more time to think it over and trust that he hadn’t just been using their friendship to get close to her. No, he was a good friend, he understood that she didn’t feel the same way and was fine with it. Thank goodness for that.

The entourage of guards and press that turned up at the airport for her arrival did nothing to help her rather sour mood. Once she got home she was greeted by her family, then thankfully allowed to do as she pleased for the rest of the day. She decided to go rollerskating, hoping that would make her feel a little better.

She was just stepping out into the corridor from the throne room when it hit – a sudden surge of emotion, so strong she wasn’t even sure what it was at first. Anger? Fear? Helplessness? It felt like a mix of all three, so powerful she felt dizzy.

“Are you alright?” Jalil asked her. “You look really ill suddenly… really pale…”

Taking deep breaths, she tried to calm herself. Maybe this was a panic attack? She had heard of those. But then again, nothing seemed to have caused it… was that possible?

“You should take a nap,” he continued. “I’ll wake you up before dinner if you want.”

Alix nodded, unable to speak. She went down to her room and lay on the bed, not really expecting to be able to fall asleep considering how she was feeling, but her lack of recent sleep managed to overpower it within seconds.

She should have known that her sudden bad mood would be an indicator that her dreams were going to turn into those creepy, haunting ones again. This time it wasn’t ambiguous at all – it was a nightmare, and not just any nightmare, but the most vivid, realistic nightmare she’d ever had in her life. Bolting upright, tears streaming down her cheeks, she could only remember one thing.

Her snake beheaded.

The poor innocent queen cobra, its head having been cut off and lying beside the rest of its body.

Dead.

She scrambled out of bed and climbed into the snake enclosure, practically blinded by her tears but not caring. She just needed to find her snake. The nightmare couldn’t have been real, surely that couldn’t have happened, her snake couldn’t have been decapitated–

Oh thank goodness, there it was. Dropping to her knees, she picked it up and hugged it as best as she could. Kim the First was alive and well, head firmly attached to the rest of its scaly body. Seeming to sense her terror, it curled up around her reassuringly.

She couldn’t help breaking down into tears. It was only a dream, she knew that, it wasn’t real, but for some reason the emotions she felt were just not going away. She was just so scared, so afraid of what would happen if her snake really died, especially as brutally as that, so angry at anyone who would potentially do something like that, so upset and not knowing what to do…

At some point Jalil came into the room, expecting to wake her up from her nap in time for dinner, but he instead discovered her sitting in the snake enclosure, clinging onto her pet snake for dear life and still sobbing all over it.

“I h-had a nightmare,” she said before he could ask. “Snake… beheaded…”

Her eyes were still burning with so many tears that she could hardly see, but it looked like her brother was climbing into the snake enclosure too. Sure enough within a few seconds she felt him hugging her, just like he used to do when she’d had nightmares as a little kid.

“It wasn’t real,” he reassured her. “It was just a bad dream.”

“But… what if…”

“Shhh, don’t dwell on it. You’ll forget about it soon enough. It was just a nightmare.”

“Or a vision!” She stroked her precious pet’s scales, vowing silently she would never take it for granted ever again. “It was just… so r-realistic… I’ve n-never had a dream like that before! I’m s-scared!”

“It’s okay. It seemed like you were ill earlier, maybe that’s why you had such a weird dream. You just need more rest. It’ll be alright.”

“But snake lifespans! Shorter than h-humans… he’s gonna… he’s gonna d-die someday and I just… I can’t… take that… I’m gonna break, Jalil! I can’t live without this snake!”

She burst into fresh tears, fairly certain she had never cried this hard before in her life. Why was she even feeling so irrationally terrified over a nightmare? Normally she was never afraid of anything!

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Jalil said. “For now at least this snake’s here to stay, okay? I promise. Everything will be fine.”

It sounded so hollow to her somehow. How did he know everything would be fine? He didn’t, that was what! He was only saying that to make her feel better, and it didn’t work whatsoever. Terrified, upset, angry, exhausted… she was filled with so many emotions it felt like she was going to burst. Had she ever felt this bad before? Not that she could remember.

“Maybe you shouldn’t go to dinner,” said Jalil, “since you’re feeling so unwell. Just stay here for now and I’ll have some food brought in for you, okay?”

“Okay…”

He patted her on the back and then left the room, leaving her alone with the snake. She tried to stop her tears but nothing seemed to work, like her brain had gone into shock and completely refused to listen to her.

Hopefully she would forget about this nightmare soon, right? She would get over it, and in a few days she would look back and laugh at how silly she had been. That would happen, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it?

Imperial Prince Adrien returned home to find his governess Nathalie standing at the top of the big marble staircase above the entrance hall, looking down over him with a much more serious expression than usual.

“Adrien, did you bring all your possessions back home with you?”

“Yes, why?”

“You may unpack them all fully. You won’t be needing to take them back to school.”

The porters at his side immediately began opening the various boxes of luggage, hauling things out.

“Why?” Adrien asked again.

“Your father, His Imperial Majesty, has decided it is best for you to remain here in Agreste from now on. In September you will not be returning to school, nor ever again.”

The words took a few seconds to sink in. He wasn’t allowed back to school…? Ever? It was like a sudden punch to the gut.

“Why can’t I go to school?” he asked, shocked to hear his voice cracking a little. “I love it there! I have so many friends, and I’m learning so much, and–”

“I’m afraid it’s not up to me,” Nathalie said, not looking him in the eye. “It is your father’s decision. You know he never wanted you to leave Agreste in the first place.”

“But what’s wrong with school?”

“During the most recent holidays your father noticed that your attitude seems to have changed. He does not think it a good change. If you stay here, away from the nobility and the riff-raff of lower ranks, you can learn to be… more like him.”

“But it’s not fair! Why didn’t he ask me? Or tell me earlier? I want to stay at school, I like having some freedom, I–”

“I believe this is what the emperor meant by your attitude having changed,” she said, looking down at the ground by her feet. “This carefree, spirited attitude, wanting to rebel and have your way all the time...”

Adrien glared up at her, wanting to yell at her, but he stopped himself. It was not Nathalie’s fault. She was just the messenger, and it didn’t look like she was happy about this outcome either. Anyway, hadn’t this same thing happened to Kim after the spring holidays? Perhaps Adrien could get out of it with some persuasion too.

He took a deep breath and then said, as clear and commanding as possible, “I would like to speak to my father about this.”

“Your father is abroad at the moment, directing the troops in the 7th region. He may not be back for some months yet, and he has already made sure to inform me that no amount of clever debating will change his mind – you are ‘grounded’, as the commoners put it. No leaving the palace. Do not even enter the palace grounds without permission, or you will have to stay in your room until your father deems you fit to leave.”

Grounded? Grounded was for people who weren’t being forced into living up to a duty that was thrust upon them, just because they wanted some friends and an education that wasn’t just propaganda. This was on another level entirely.

But wait… 7th region? In the colonies?

“What’s father doing in the colonies?” he asked. “He’s not taking over more land, is he?”

“…I’m not sure.”

That meant yes.

“But he should be back within the year,” she continued. “There are some issues in the region that he wanted to see to personally, so he went there himself.”

“What issues? Kim said that region’s too dangerous, that’s why he can’t go back home right now, so isn’t it too dangerous for father too?”

Nathalie shuffled on her feet nervously. “It may be more dangerous for citizens of Lê Chiến in that region than of Agreste.”

He felt his heart sinking. “What’s going on, Nathalie? What is father up to? Kim says there’s increasing hostilities between Agreste and Lê Chiến, is it because father did something?”

“The information is classified, so I really don’t think I should–”

“Please! Kim’s my friend, I have to know! I want him to be safe!”

She sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead. “Fine. I don’t know everything about it, but there were plans for peace between the two nations. The emperor was going to return a part of the 7th region. However, the leaders of Lê Chiến were unhappy because upon inspection, all the natural resources of that area had been stripped, leaving it essentially worthless and unable to even be used as farmland.”

“You mean we took their land, wasted it all up until it was unusable, then tried to give it back to them under the guise of a peace offering?”

“It does sound rather harsh when you put it like that, but yes. The leaders of Lê Chiến have been asking for a piece of land that is not completely barren, but our empire cannot afford to give any away. Your father is directing troops to find more land, especially since much of the area is filled with jewel mines which would be good to have under the empire’s control.”

“So he is taking more land,” Adrien muttered through clenched teeth. “And what about Kim? Why is it unsafe for him to go back home?”

“There have been skirmishes at the borders,” Nathalie said, looking uncomfortable. “Ever since the troops have been stationed in the area, there has been an increase in raids and attacks on merchants and traders carrying supplies in and out of Lê Chiến…”

“The troops are trying to stop trade from getting into Lê Chiến? Please tell me father’s gone to stop them.”

She looked even more uncomfortable now. “Well actually, I highly doubt he disapproves of their behaviour… he might indeed be encouraging of it…”

“You know what, I’m not even surprised,” Adrien snapped. “It’s no wonder no one at school liked me at first, when our empire goes and does things like this without me even knowing.”

“Adrien, running an empire is a matter of strength, and–”

“Oh come on, I know you don’t really believe that. You’re just saying that because my father made you say it!” He began stomping off towards his bedroom.

“Wait, Adrien! You have a schedule to attend to!”

“I don’t feel well. Leave me alone!”

Storming away into his room, seething, he realized that was the first time in his life he’d had an outburst of anger like that. Maybe he had grown a backbone at school, surrounded by others who were not afraid to speak their mind. It felt… freeing.

But that did not solve any problems. He was still stuck at home indefinitely, and Kim was still in danger. Not to mention Kim’s kingdom, which would soon end up Agreste territory if he didn’t do something soon. But what? How could he do anything when his own father refused to let him leave the palace?

Meanwhile, Kim himself was not having a much better time. Cheng was absolutely lovely, he had been there before and was welcomed with open arms, but so many things were playing on his mind that it was hard for him to enjoy himself here like he usually did.

“What’s the matter?” Marinette asked him, finding him leaning on a balcony railing one day, watching the royal guards at their practice. “You seem so weirdly distant.”

“I miss home,” Kim mumbled. He stared off into the distance, the rolling hills fading away into the horizon. Lê Chiến was in that direction. So close, yet so far. “I wish I could go back, I don’t even know when I can… and I’m worried about its safety…”

Marinette put a comforting arm around him. “That’s understandable. It’s been a long time since you’ve been there, hasn’t it? I’d miss home so much too if I was away that long. And I don’t know much about the safety situation at all, that must be stressful to think about. But I’ll do my best to make your stay here as fun as possible in the meantime. Is there anything in particular you need me to do?”

“Nah, it’s fine, you’re already being awesome… so is your family…” He looked back down at the royal guard practice. “Hey Mari? Who’s that one who’s delivering the food? That one in the corner with the basket…”

Marinette peered over the balcony edge. “Oh, him? It’s just Bluebell. One of the servants. Why?”

“Huh? No reason…” He rested his head on his arms and continued watching the practice. Or rather, watching the servant handing out fresh fruit to everyone. Bluebell… what a cute name.

“I think there is a reason,” Marinette said, smirking. “If you want me to set you up with Bluebell you can just ask.”

“W-what? Haha no, I’m not… I just…” He sighed. “Okay, yeah, he’s kind of cute. And I guess that means you probably noticed somehow that I like guys. But… it’s not like I know anything about him, and… I just… I’m trying to get over someone else, and… well…”

“Kim, the truth is I saw you and Adrien kissing at the winter party – you’re both so tall that the chairs didn’t exactly hide you. So yes, I guessed you like guys. And I can also guess who you’re trying to get over, considering how much you’re always drooling over Alix like some kind of… anyway, I know you like her.”

“Yeah, well it’s not happening, so I’d better fall for someone else quickly so I can carry on being her friend without feeling like a total creep.”

“Aw Kim, you’re not a creep! It’s okay to have a crush on a friend. Nino has a crush on me, and I don’t think he’s a creep. You’re only a creep if you be creepy, and you are definitely not doing that. It’s clear you care about her a lot as a friend. That’s a good thing.”

Kim smiled at her. “Thanks, Marinette. You always know the right thing to say.”

“Noooo, I so don’t! I can’t even speak a full sentence around Adrien! I’ve just known you since forever, that’s why it’s easy to talk to you. You’re like… like a cousin to me. Or some kind of long-lost brother. And I’m going to help you feel better if I can. So, want me to set you up with Bluebell? He’s really nice from what I know of him!”

“I don’t know, he’s a boy so I don’t think that would go down well…”

“And he has a twin sister who is also really cute, for the record.”

“Really? Okay. I’ll… I’ll just meet them then. That would be cool.”

“Nice!” Marinette held out her fist for a fist bump, and Kim happily obliged.

Over the rest of the summer holidays things had not improved at all for Alix – in fact they had just gotten worse. The nightmare about her snake was still haunting her almost all the time. Whenever she closed her eyes she could see the image of her poor decapitated pet, like it was branded onto the insides of her eyelids, forcing her to relive it over and over again. She took her snake with her everywhere for its protection, refusing to let anyone else touch it. There was no way she was taking any chances.

Her odd moods did not improve either, and though she tried her best to shake it off as normal teenage mood swings, it was clearly something else entirely. What was wrong with her? It was like she was steadily feeling more and more unstable, confined, impulsive, exhausted…

It made her so ill she ended up being let off her pharaoh duties many days, just because she looked so tired. On these days she would take her skates and leave the palace, just needing to get out for a while and clear her head. Why was she feeling so weird closed in, anyway? It wasn’t like she was grounded or anything, she could do what she wanted.

Over the weeks she found herself spending more and more time with her brother, for some reason feeling like she missed him even though he was clearly right there. It was somewhat nostalgic, in fact. Just like things had been when they were younger. She had hoped maybe it would make her feel better, but it really didn’t at all. Her mood just continued to deteriorate.

At some point during the holidays Max had come to visit with some trade shipments. Alix had told him everything, about the horrific dream and the way it still made her feel ill even all these weeks later. He suggested it might be school stress catching up to her, or a spell of anxiety disorder, or something like that – but that there was probably nothing to worry about, and queen cobra lifespans were long enough that the snake would be around for at least another 15 years or so. That didn’t really reassure her.

The weeks passed, and things just got worse and worse, until one fateful night very near the end of the holidays. She had a dream that she couldn’t remember exactly, but it was definitely something to do with the snake pond where she had adopted her pet snake from in the first place. Being asleep, dreaming about that place, that wasn’t so bad. The trouble started when she suddenly woke up in the quietest hours of the night.

Her hand… it felt like it was burning. As if someone had stuck a hot needle into the back of it. She sat up and squinted at it in the darkness, but there didn’t appear to be anything wrong with it. Lying back down she tried to go back to sleep.

The pain in her hand suddenly tripled in intensity, shooting up her arm like there was lava in her veins. It was enough to bring tears to her eyes. She sat up again and looked back at her arm, but there was still nothing there. Rubbing her hand and trying to get the pain to stop, she felt violent tingles running through her arm all the way up to her shoulder, so painful it made her stomach heave.

She held back a sob and pushed herself out of bed. It felt like her feet were made out of lead, and her ears were ringing so much it was like she was going to faint. She managed to crawl into the snake enclosure where her beloved snake was already waiting for her, having sensed that something seemed to be very wrong. It slithered over to her and wrapped itself around her, hissing soothingly as she clutched her stinging arm, struggling to breathe through the pain.

She hoped whatever it was would have stopped by now, but it continually increased. Spikes of pain kept stabbing at her arm, making her feel sick, making her wish she could just tear her whole arm free of her shoulder socket just to get away from it. Minutes passed, and still there was no end in sight. It hurt so much she curled up into a ball and bit down on the skin on her knees, hoping it would distract her. Surprisingly she barely even felt it. It was nothing compared to how excruciating the pain in her arm was, after all.

What was even happening? Had she done something to her arm without realizing? She couldn’t even remember now, not when her brain was so fogged up and her entire arm felt like it was on fire. Maybe she should go call someone for help, but the prospect of getting up, actually moving, needing to speak… it was too daunting. She was immobilized, paralyzed, completely overcome with fear and pain. The only thing she could do was cry, feeling terror overwhelm her every time the pain kicked it up a notch, like the very blood in her arm was curdling and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Of course she was no stranger to pain. Living an active lifestyle meant she’d had her fair share of injuries. But she had never, ever suffered anything nearly as bad as whatever was happening now. And every time she thought it couldn’t get any worse, that surely it had to stop now, it somehow managed to exceed itself.

How had she not passed out yet? Or thrown up yet? Or died? Surely she was going to die. No human being could ever go through something so horrendously agonizing, for so long, and live to tell the tale. No, she was definitely going to die, not even knowing the reason why, not even caring at this point. All she wanted was for the pain to stop.

It did not stop. For what felt like hours, days, years, it continued. She gave up trying to fight it and just lay in the enclosure with the snake, crying. No one deserved to come to such a painful, torturous end. No one.

After what felt like an eternity, the pain finally subsided. It went away as suddenly as it had arrived, leaving Alix confused and exhausted. She wiped away her tears and lay back down, falling asleep right there in the snake enclosure.

Thank goodness she was alive. Whatever that had been, she never wanted to experience it ever again. Or any pain at all, for that matter. It hadn’t left a visible mark, but she was certainly not going to be able to forget that in a hurry, much like the nightmare about her snake being beheaded that she’d had right at the start of the holidays. It was probably going to haunt her forever.

Was there any possible way to ask Master Fu about this at the oracle session? She needed answers. But the students could not ask him questions about the past, it had to be about the future. Surely, though, there had to be some way she could find out what was going on?

She would just have to think about it.

[autumn-in-phandom]

“Did Dan get TOO TAN?”

(Sept 19th 2017 Dan liveshow timestamps)  

0:03 After an awkward pause and salute: “Hello cyber friends” (instant regret and reflection)

0:29 (Dear god, don’t grab your laptop by the screen like that Dan.)

0:44 Grimace #1

1:06 No Dan, you do not look *atol* different. That tweet, title and pic are all just clickbait.

1:10 (Bronze my ass.)

1:19 Hitting us with that meme.

1:25 (Didn’t need to be in your face thanks. Teasing angles?)

1:36 “Never say Trumpy ever again, in any circumstance.”

1:45 Lovely pores and freckles.

2:00 Obviously everyone subscribes to YouTubers for their freckle content.

2:30 Livestreams are “a mistake” because of the chat clinging on to one thing and spamming it.

2:40 No probing or questioning at airport, big grin.

3:01 “The broadband is terrible but the 4G is great.” Okay…

3:17 “The toasty Dan experience”, orangish filter.

3:26 Double rhyme: “I guess that’s a rhyme, yeah that’s fine” (okay it’s a slant rhyme)

3:47 “Buttered crumpet Daniel.”

4:02 “Went to an island in the Mediterranean.” (This is exactly the answer I expected and quite frankly the only one he should give.)

4:09 “Literally did nothing for about six days, it was great.”

4:15 ‘I am Pilgrim’ book recommended by his mum.

4:30 Tricked into reading 900 page book.

5:00 Holiday was incredibly relaxing.

5:10 “Ordeal” getting there, delayed flight, three hours “traumatizing”

5:22 “Haha long boye” “literally, shins driving into my chest, bleeding” alright hyperbolic humor Dan. “Tough.”

5:38 “Violated” on flight by guy’s elbows, “no respect for personal space”, “fully leaning into me”, “didn’t even care”, “honestly an icon for all of us.” (Was it Phil?)

6:03 3 am, old driver, mini bus, cliff roads, did pre-ritual preparing for death.

7:00 “So much yogurt”, doesn’t know why.

7:05 “Assaggetti” tweet, we can shame him, “has the worst sense of humor in the world”, check it out and unsubscribe, doesn’t remember the language (Italian), apologizes, “constantly problematic”.

7:55 “Got that D from the S up above” (vitamin D, or Phil…)

8:16 Phil came on the holiday in case anyone didn’t know.

8:18 “He went from like glass to pale ivory, which is good”, “Phil is someome who erupts in freckles whenever he goes outside, so it’s hard to tell if he tans or if your eyes are just kinda like drawing the dots between the space all the freckles are, if you know what I’m saying.” (Wow, I… I’d like to think you mean what I know, but I’m not sure. Wow.)

8:37 Someone in the chat: “Nice Ursa Major on that cheek boy”. Turn, pose, laugh.

8:41 “The Bigger Dipper of my self esteem.”

8:53 Good day: watched Bake Off and answered emails, “thrilling”.

9:13 Tumblr likes, fan art, “beautiful to celebrate the great people.”

9:43 “The internet is not here”, laughs, sighs, apologizes.

9:55 Some peer pressure advice.

10:25 Had to check what his video title is.

10:35 I don’t know why he bothers to ask if we watched either.

10:55 Accept that he does things by his British calendar.

11:11 Why he didn’t he talk about uni stories when it was happening. Ashamed? Yeah, processing turmoil at the time.

11:55 Now shares traumatizing, terrifying, shameful, embarrassing stories straight away.

12:15 Rowing club guy AU… (not what I was thinking)

12:46 Laundry story: Phil was nice, Dan didn’t ask, *literally* ordered a cab, turned up with suitcase, Phil assumed he dropped out and was moving in, “I’ve had a day and I’m going to wash my socks in your washing machine.”

13:13 “If you struggle to function as a person-” (I really wish he had finished this sentence)

13:15 Asda sponsor for crying in the cheese aisle?

13:23 Pasta burn shaming (were you just never in the kitchen with your mum Dan?)

13:36 Dropping laptop so much recently.

14:00 Never taught cooking, laundry, accounting.

14:18 “No one told me shit!” (in Dan’s face again).

14:33 “What happens when I’m 23?! How do I do a tax?!”

14:54 It was ravioli (pretty sure the instructions mentioned water Dan…)

15:15 Thick as in stupid, not thicc fat booty.

15:30 “Look Fatima, we all have different life experiences, okay?” (lol)

15:36 “Ravioli ravioli, give me the death I deserveioli.” Relates.

15:45 Rihanna livestream, forehead fetishist? Wouldn’t mind if anyone leaves for that.  

16:08 Not up on BTS, DNA.

16:33 Shames Eden for “let me see that pastussy” comment, “leave.”

16:45 “Love on the Brain”. He really loves Rihanna, amazing, blessing, doesn’t give a shit, casual, informal, etc. “Bitch Better Have My Money.”

17:25 Is sure BTS video with be “pure and beautiful”, expects “softly applied eyeshadow and very fluffy hair”, he’s sure he’ll enjoy.

17:38 Maybe new gaming video/livestream tomorrow.

17:45 Overcooked, ironic kitchen fire, foreshadowing.

18:08 Wasn’t sure if he should get into Chinese guy story again, but he has to.

18:13 Deep breath: “It was 4 am, I’d been you know, well hydrated that evening, but I decided I needed another drink” go into the kitchen, everyone else was asleep, guy had a whole chicken, with neck and feet, fine but surprising, tiniest pair of white y-fronts, hacked head off and made eye contact, just couldn’t, usually would awaken some kink in him…

19:39 Pool pic, shout out to friend, no consent, relaxing, absorbing sun like a lizard, *basking*, fell asleep, lucky it was a pool and he didn’t drift out to sea, sun stroke vid reference, “the bad tan”.

21:08 People saying “trying to be cute”, the double chins (really?!)

21:21 The least Dan-like photo.

21:33 Thought it would ruin his Instagram aesthetic.

22:10 Lack of other content: relaxing, reading,

22:24 Took a couple other photos, sunset selfie, “no one’s going to take a photo of me” (what the hell happened to your personal photographer?) but then people came (please post, please!)

23:40 Bake off is his life, “Noel Feilding is a national treasure”, caramel was torture while hungry, faves are Liam and not!Val (what did he whisper about Liam? Really wanted him to be…?)

24:30 *Maybe* Halloween Baking, they don’t think that far ahead about anything.

24:48 Phil’s role in Dan’s video, mugging scene took nine takes, afraid to punch him. Outtakes please!

26:03 (grimace #2) “Hello Grandma, my name is Daniel, I’m a wholesome person, that’s a very great influence”

26:16 Wachowski films

26:23 Dan floating in donut plushies would be very challenging.

26:33 Dan flips a bit at the idea that’s it’s weird to like people who don’t know who you are. Uses Ed Sheeran as example.

26:55 Scrolls past person who said they feel better when they have a dream about Dan and Phil.

27:17 Cared more about YouTube than university socializing and class, Pom Bear Massacre reference, made Tumblr account.

29:09 Chapped lips, season changed the moment he stepped off the plane.

29:42 “Okay Universe, I know I can be a bit of a downer, sometimes.”

29:51 Haley Barry Storm powers

30:08 Yes the furry blanket comes out, polyester, sad pimp, Marks & Spencer.

31:06 Ready for everything seasonal, autumnal Yankee Candle range, not haute, but fun themes.

31:31 Frisbee laptop across the room on to the bed, missed.

31:46 Candle haul, yes it is content we need right now!

32:26 Furry invasion on Splatoon, scaley, yiffing proposition, “this is a family game”, not shaming just concerned for kids, though it is hentai-esque…

33:27 Sonic: 2010 reminiscing, formatting of boxes.

34:04 Was stupid side kick, Phil being good, Dan trying to be helpful, actual just a cheerleader, Phil was disgusting, doesn’t know if Phil even knew what he was saying (of course he did).

34:38 Didn’t know uni vid was trending

34:52 Reflection (I think that’s the piano nook)

35:00 Weird because of swearing, someone at YT didn’t watch the vid, “Ah, keep doing that, don’t watch my videos, just know that I’m a good person…”

35:25 “I make great friendly content.” (grimace #3)

35:30 Explains why trending isn’t automatic. Yes, think of the children.

36:05 “But hey, I’m not bad, everything’s fine”.

36:45 “People of all genders do and don’t wear makeup”.

37:10 (I’m pretty sure that the no candles with birds is because of the fumes.)

37:25 What is with the nose touching when confirming Spooky Week? “Next video (nose touch) soon, don’t worry”…?

38:28 “Fans of everything are annoying, that’s just what happens when people are enthusiastic about stuff.”

39:19 Dan doesn’t get annoyed by different fandoms. Says more about the people being annoyed, part of their own insecurity, their lack of community, togetherness, celebration, shared experiences, jealous or sad, or maybe everyone just everyone’s annoying.

39:56 Dream Daddy: so dangerous saying Dilddy. Dan likes Damien, great taste, immaculate presentation, probably not Dilddy’s romantic soulmate.

40:31 Dan is in like ten fandoms (makes a face).

40:45 Chat: “Will Phil become a furry, what’s your fursona?” Dan: “Is it time to go?”

40:55 Has never thought about it, promises he’ll get on it soon, he knows what the internet wants from him.

41:31 Chat full of fursona suggestions. He’s going to start crying.

41:52 “A llama fucking hell.” “Look at the time.”

42:01 Going to go into a (not disturbing) hole later looking into axoltl fur suits.

42:24 Elf on a shelf meme, was going to post a Dan one, “old meme!” (Still don’t need to be up in your face Daniel.)

43:27 Really wants to go see IT, needs to see Mother.

44:04 Shut up! American Horror Story, makes him happy. Loves Sarah Paulson (is his life), feels represented by a lesbian with anxiety. Evan Peters is great, looks gross, or great depending.

45:25 His fursona should be a big bear, I agree. What a reaction.

45:46 Left comb on holiday, looks like a bush.

46:13 (grimace #4 at group chat names.)

46:20 “What is wrong with all of you?”

46:22 Glosses over diet ask. Indeed.

46:26 “Don’t call me Uncle Dan when we’re talking about fursonas.”

46:36 “If you live in Australia vote for marriage equality, we don’t need to have this conversation.” “Come on, come on Australia, sort your shit out.”

47:03 Going to “innocently Google things that are fine”.

47:22 “Me and Phil would love to come to Russia”.

47:27 Limitations of TATINOF.

47:44 Watch uni vid: “Don’t take it too seriously. Remember that most of the time I’m just trying to be funny, and if you ever want like my real feelings or opinions, just think about whatever the opposite of what I’m saying is, and that’s usually how to get to the sincere heart of whatever Dan’s talking about.”

48:13 “Stay calm, ask some senpais for some life advice and think carefully about what your fursona should be.”