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rosecorcoranwrites · 4 years ago

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September Reading Roundup

It's time for this month's reading roundup, but first, a little announcement that no one but me will care about: I'm staying off the internet until the election. Well, mostly. I'll still post to Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram when the mood strikes me or when I have a writing update. I'll still post Rant Rave Reviews on here and Youtube (the theme this month is spooky stories, of course). But I won't be interacting much (ie, I won't be spending hours reading through Twitter and Tumblr and watching random Youtube videos I've already seen). If you @ me or retweet or reblog a post, I'll probably respond in a day or two, but other than that, I'm becoming a recluse.

The reason for this is twofold. First, I'm offering it up. For those of you who aren't Catholic, "offering it up" is sort of like giving up something for Lent. You discipline yourself by enduring some deprivation (either natural, like pain, or of your own choosing, like not watching hours of Youtube). At the same time, you offer up your (albeit, in this case, slight) suffering as a sacrifice for some good. I'm offering it up for America. Not the election, America. Because, not to get political or anything, but no matter who wins the garbage fire that is the 2020 election, America is doomed unless our culture changes. As I said to a friend recently, if this was the 90s, we could weather whatever storm Trump or Biden brings, but people hate each other so much right now that our country is pretty much over. Unless...

I don't know what I'm praying for, but I'm praying, praying that come what may, God in his Providence will drag something good out of all of it, kicking and screaming if need be. I will also be doing a rosary novena with my diocese October 14th through October 22, and then another one with the USCCB October 26th to November 3rd. Join me if you would like.

On a lighter note, I'm a volunteer writer-in-residence again at my hometown library, so I'm obligated to focus on writing this month, and need write, research, and workshop without distraction. I have two Forensics and Fiction books all tabbed and ready to read, plus a book about army nurses in the Vietnam War. The plot of book one in the alternate-history/fantasy/mystery trilogy is fast congealing, and I want to strike while the iron is hot. I need to focus! My ultimate goal is to be ready to write a little each day in November, returning to my heretical NaNoWriMo ways.

I'll let you know how it all turns out in my first Novemebr post, which will be a reading roundup of October. Until then, let's take a look at what I read this month:

Two Six Shooters Beat Four Aces: Stories of a Young Arizona by Barbara Marriott Ph.D

Genre: History - Anecdotes

Why I read it: Arizona book club pic

What I thought of it: While it's clear that Marriott is an excellent researcher, she is either a bad writer or in serious need of an editor. Individual paragraphs proved internally repetitive, and the overall structure of each chapter was slapdash. It needed smoother transitions from anecdote to anecdote or more section breaks and section headers.

Would I recommend it: No, everyone in my book club, including myself, hated it.

7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton

Genre: Supernatural Mystery

Why I read it: I'd been wanting to for a while; the premise caught my eye

What I thought of it: The body-hopping time-loop stuff was brilliant, the characters likable, and the story delightfully twisty. The last twist and conclusion were unsatisfying, though.

Would I recommend it: Yes!! Despite it's flaws, it was an exciting, fun, and original book. I will definitely be reading Turton's next book (which involves a closed circle of suspects and, possibly, demons!?).

The Exorcist by William Blatty

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: I'd been meaning to for a while, and writing research gave me an excuse to do so

What I thought of it: I like that it doesn't pull it's punches; I'm kind of shocked that it's only been censored a couple times, actually. It presents demons as they are: hateful, grotesque jerks who get off on picking on humans. I also liked that there was a murder mystery subplot. I'm not sure I approve 100% of the ending, theologically speaking, but that's a pretty minor quibble.

Would I recommend it: Yes, but it is not for the feint of heart. Trigger warnings for child sexual abuse, adult sexual abuse, language, violence, the works.

How to Destroy America in Three Easy Steps by Ben Shapiro

Genre: Nonfiction - politics

Why I read it: It's a long story that I shall tell about in my memoir of library life, but not here. Also the cover is 10/10

What I thought of it: It was ok. I already knew most of what he said. I disagreed with some of it, like seeing the constant moving of people from town to town in 1950s as a positive thing; in actuality, "company men" in the 50s were moved around so they wouldn't have community ties but instead ties to the company, which is anti-human to the extreme. I did think it was interesting that he combatted the idea of America's greatness being built off the backs of slaves by pointing out that slavery was actually terrible for the south, as reliance on slavery retarded their economic system well after the Civil War.

Would I recommend it: If you're into political books, sure.

American Sherlock: Murder, Forensics, and the Birth of American CSI by Kate Winkler Dawson

Genre: True Crime - forensic history

Why I read it: I love historical true crime

What I thought of it: It was ok, but kind of didn't make the case for him being "The American Sherlock Holmes" (even though people really did call him that back in the day), in that a lot of his conclusions ended up being a little dubious. Still, from a research perspective, it did establish when various forensic practices started being used in the USA.

Would I recommend it: Maybe? I personally liked Father of Forensics more. I'd say this book is, like, 3/5 stars, just because it could have been tightened up a bit.

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: It's spooky season!

What I thought of it: Having already seen the movie, I knew pretty much what was going to happen, but I love Gaiman's turn of phrase.

Would I recommend it: Yes, especially for children who are too young for scarier fair but still want a creepy story.

The Horror at Red Hook by H.P. Lovecraft

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: It's still spooky season!

What I thought of it: I honestly liked this a lot more than the Cthulhu mythos stuff. Rather than vague demoniac blasphemies or black cyclopean gulfs, there's a real tangible cult that sacrifices (reanimated?) corpses to a pale, dancing, snickering Thing on a golden pedestal. I dig it.

Would I recommend it: Yes. Just... ignore the racism. That goes for all of Lovecraft's stuff, by the by.

Herbert West: Reanimator by H.P. Lovecraft

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: Turns out I like HP Lovecraft. Who knew?

What I thought of it: You gotta love mad scientists who try to reanimate the dead, right? I think this one would make an excellent mini-series.

Would I recommend it: Yes.

Solutions and Other Problems by Allie Brosh

Genre: Essay - illustration/comics

Why I read it: I loved Hyperbole and a Half, and was excited when I saw Brosh was coming out with another book.

What I thought of it: It was okay. Not as good as her first book, but for an understandable reason: medical complications and her sister's suicide (that's not a spoiler, as the book is dedicated to her sister). Thus, the book had a heaviness to it that the first one didn't. Still there were some parts that made me laugh so hard I cried.

Would I recommend it: Maybe? I'd say borrow it from the library, but don't buy it, unless you are also suffering a loss. It might be really relatable and cathartic in that case.

The Rats in the Walls by H.P. Lovecraft

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: I like HP Lovecraft

What I thought of it: Not as scary as I had been led to believe by my brother, but still a good story. I plan on reading Lovecraft Country at some point, which supposedly flips Lovecraft's racism on it's head, and so help me, if it doesn't make reference to this story and chattel slavery, I'll throw a fit.

Would I recommend it: Yes. I like that the cat didn't die. :)

The Shadow Over Innsmouth by H.P. Lovecraft

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: I just... I just really like Lovecraft, okay?

What I thought of it: I find the sea inherently creepy, so when you have a decrepit backwater filled with a fishy stench and secrets, it's gotta be good.

Would I recommend it: Yes, especially if you liked the Fishing Hamlet part of the Bloodborne DLC (which I could not help but think of the whole time reading this novella).

The Thing on the Doorstep by H.P. Lovecraft

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: You know why.

What I thought of it: So if you've read enough Lovecraft, especially Dunwich Horror and Shadow Over Innsmouth, you already know what's coming... or do you? Right away, HP establishes that there is a special knock the guy uses with his friend, so I assumed the twist end would involve the Thing appearing in the guy's body but not using the knock, thus revealing itself to be (redacted for slight spoilers). I was wrong. That's not how it played out, and the way it played out was so much creepier!!!

Would I recommend it: Yeah! I really liked this one!

Haunter of the Dark by H.P. Lovecraft

Genre: Horror

Why I read it: Yup

What I thought of it: Same ol', same ol, but what I thought was cool in this one was that the supposedly superstitious Italian Catholic immigrants totally know what's up and spend their stormy nights keeping the Haunter at bay with nothing but candles and flashlights. What a neat detail!

Would I recommend it: Yup. :)

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ewh111 · 6 years ago

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2018 Annual List of Favorite Film Experiences

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I hope you’ve been having a great holiday season. It’s been another fun year in film, television, and streaming. It felt like a particularly good year for diverse voices, visions, casts, and storytelling. While I still feel like I’m catching up on year-end releases, here’s my annual list of the ones that have entertained, moved me, provoked thoughts, or just plain stuck with me the most with their story-telling and artistry (In no particular order).

All the best for a wonderful 2019!

Cheers, Ed

Indelible (But VERY Different) Cinematic Experiences

Roma—I wasn’t sure what the hype was about for the first hour which leisurely unfolds before you, but it’s just the build-up as Alfonso Cuaron’s beautiful and powerful film slowly draws you in, and then suddenly grabs you with unexpected emotional impact. An intimate, yet sweeping story of a maid who holds together a crumbling family as her own life combusts. Based on the director’s own life and the woman who raised him, Roma is a complex multi-layered domestic/social/political drama with some truly haunting and indelible sequences. Some may be challenged by the pacing and seeming lack of narrative. Be patient and stick with it; it’s worth it.

Sorry to Bother You—Audacious, original first film and new vision from rapper/hip hop musician Boots Riley starring a terrific Lakeith Stanfield as down on his luck young man who gets a job as a telemarketer and advised by veteran caller Danny Glover to use his “white voice” to become a power caller. The story then takes a twisted wackadoodle turn that truly defies description. This bold and outrageous absurdist social satire/surreal anti-capitalist black comedy also stars an excellent Armie Hammer in a bizzaro role.

A Full House of Documentaries: A Pair of Giants of Our Time and Three of a Kind

Won’t You Be My Neighbor—Celebrating a true hero, it’s a warm and loving look at this pioneer of children’s television who became a role model of kindness and compassion for generations. Little did I realize when watching him as a child the bold and courageous manner in which he addressed the social issues of the day. And it is worthwhile to see the full six-minute video of Fred Rogers Senate testimony that saved funding for public television: https://youtu.be/fKy7ljRr0AA.

RBG—An inspirational telling of the brilliant legal mind who shaped America’s legal landscape on gender equality and women’s rights and became a pop culture icon.

Three Identical Strangers—Fascinating documentary that starts as a “can’t believe it’s true” tale of separated-at-birth triplets who miraculously find each other as young adults, and then takes a very dark turn as the layers of the story are revealed, raising some real ethical questions about research and the debate about nature vs. nurture.

Additional Docu-series to watch: The Staircase (a gripping and powerful docu-series that is an intimate and detailed look at our criminal justice system as seen through the eyes of a man accused of murder who claims the death of his wife was an accident); The Fourth Estate (a fascinating behind the scenes look at the NY Times and their reporters as they cover the beginning of the Trump administration).

Historical Dramedies

The Death of Stalin—Dark and bitingly funny, this relevant political satire by Armando Iannucci of Veep portrays the intrigue surrounding the flock of sycophantic bureaucrats who vie to become the next Soviet leader after the sudden stroke and death of Stalin. A masterful historical farce with a great cast that includes Steve Buscemi, Jeffrey Tambor, Michael Palin, and Jason Isaacs. And it’s worth noting that the most absurd moments actually did take place (e.g., a rerun concert just to make a recording for Stalin; the alcoholic and meglomaniacal son of Stalin who lost the entire national hockey team by ordering their flight into a snowstorm and then replacing the dead players in hopes his dad wouldn’t notice).

The Favourite—While I decidedly did not care for filmmaker Yorgos Lanthimos’s much acclaimed The Lobster, this is a much more accessible outing. A highly original period/costume piece with an amazing trio of performances from Olivia Colman, Rachel Weisz, and Emma Stone, The Favourite is a dark and wickedly humorous look at the conniving palace intrigue, love triangles, and back-stabbing world of Queen Anne’s court, complete with fops, duck races, pigeon shooting, and rabbits that rule the roost.

Vice—Not your typical biopic. From the man who brought you The Big Short, Adam McKay delivers an entertaining dark dramedy. Christian Bale wholly transforms into the enigmatic Dick Cheney in this boldly told tale (including a faux Shakespearean pillow talk bit and a mid-film happily-ever-after credit sequence) of a ne'er do well who becomes the most powerful man in the world, all “in the service of the people.” With a very strong supporting cast of Amy Adams as Lynne Cheney, Sam Rockwell as George W. Bush, and Steve Carell as Donald Rumsfeld.

BlacKkKlansman—Director Spke Lee and the producers of Get Out deliver the unbelievably true buddy-cop tale from the 1970s of a black man who goes undercover to infiltrate the KKK by phone while his white Jewish partner stands in for him in face-to-face meetings. Told in a funny and entertaining manner, it’s one of Spike Lee’s best film in years, though it’s unfortunate how little the racial issues have changed over time.

Odes to Stan Lee and the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Black Panther—This is not just another Marvel superhero movie. This is what every origin story should be: a totally immersive world is created with a sophisticated and impressively well-told story, balancing big themes, character development, action, mythology, and strong messaging, including female empowerment. Black Panther is perhaps the best (and most political without being heavy-handed) entry in the MCU while leaving a very large cultural footprint on Hollywood.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider Verse—I really didn’t think we needed another entry into the Spidey world, but this one was truly fantastic, perhaps the best of the bunch. With visually stunning animation unlike anything I’ve seen before, it’s the most trippy, inclusive, and soulful Spider-Man ever, and the one most true to its comic book roots.

More Fantastic Animation, Stop Motion, and CGI

Isle of Dogs–I am an unabashed fan of Wes Anderson, and here he creates a masterful stop motion universe, much more sophisticated and intricate than his last one, the wonderful Fantastic Mr. Fox. Taking place in a fictional dystopian Japan, he creates yet another Andersonian obsessively detailed world, infused with Japanese culture and canines. On the surface, it’s a simple story of a boy seeking his pet dog in a world where dogs have been banished to a trash-filled island, but it works on so many other levels, existential and political. A great cast of voices infuse each character with individuality and nuanced personalities, including Brian Cranston, Edward Norton, and Bill Murray.

Ready Player One—An unexpectedly wild and entertaining journey, this Spielberg film that takes place in a dystopian future steeped in the nostalgia of the 1980s (video games, movies, music) where its citizens find salvation and escape in a virtual world called the OASIS. The central story of a teen in a whirlwind contest seeking control of the OASIS is a visually stunning and thrilling ride combining live action and CGI that is thoroughly satisfying (though I feel I need to go back to take in all the pop culture references that whirl by).

Incredibles 2–Well worth the wait after 14 years. Just what you would hope for in summer film. Well-developed characters, action, and story with amazing animation and a terrifically snazzy Michael Giacchino soundtrack.

Other Enjoyable Film Experiences Worth Mentioning

22 July, A Quiet Place, Beautiful Boy, Boy Erased, Crazy Rich Asians, Eighth Grade, Green Book, Love, Simon, Mary Poppins Returns, Mission Impossible: Fallout, Paddington 2, The Price of Everything, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Science Fair, Searching, The Hate U Give, Tully, Victoria & Abdul

In the Queue

A Star Is Born, Burning, Cold War, First Man, First Reformed, Free Solo, The Frontrunner, If Beale Street Could Talk, Shoplifters

Binge-Worthy Television

The Americans, Barry, Succession

For the Foodie Set

Fat Salt Acid Heat, Ugly Delicious

Favorite Theater Experience

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child--if you’re a HP fan, it’s like being reunited with old friends. Great story and incredible stagecraft.

Trailers

Black Panther: https://youtu.be/xjDjIWPwcPU

BlacKkKlansman: https://youtu.be/0vWHEuhEuno

Incredibles 2: https://youtu.be/i5qOzqD9Rms

Isle of Dogs: https://youtu.be/dt__kig8PVU

RBG: https://youtu.be/biIRlcQqmOc

Ready Player One: https://youtu.be/cSp1dM2Vj48

Roma: https://youtu.be/6BS27ngZtxg

Sorry to Bother You: https://youtu.be/PQKiRpiVRQM

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse: https://youtu.be/g4Hbz2jLxvQ

The Death of Stalin: https://youtu.be/kPpXFnHoC-0

The Favourite: https://youtu.be/SYb-wkehT1g

Three Identical Strangers: https://youtu.be/c-OF0OaK3o0

Vice: https://youtu.be/jO3GsRQO0dM

Won’t You Be My Neighbor: https://youtu.be/FhwktRDG_aQ

#favoritefilms2018 #submission

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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The Masque of the Red Death: Roger Corman Talks Pandemics and Restoration

https://ift.tt/3pjWssJ

During the 2020 lockdowns and ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, people at home sought isolated comfort. News reports continued to count the number of dead while people in charge downplayed its seriousness or offered dubious advice on dealing with the disease. It certainly didn’t interrupt many golf games. As workers were furloughed from jobs, they binged. One of the movies at the top of the playlist was The Masque of the Red Death, Roger Corman’s 1964 low budget masterpiece.

It told the tale of a wealthy medieval prince in a country decimated by an epidemic. The satanic overlord, played by the legendary actor and horror icon Vincent Price, locks his gates to his god-fearing dominions while he and his friends party like it’s 1999.

Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Masque of the Red Death” is about 2,300 words. Corman’s adaptation, which has been fully restored and can now be seen in its lush, psychedelic splendor, padded it with more Poe to reach 90 minutes. The screenplay by Charles Beaumont and R. Wright merged the tale with Poe’s “Hop Frog,” along with elements of the short story “Torture by Hope” by Auguste Villiers de l’Isle-Adam.

The devilish revelries came deep into a filmmaking cycle that began with American International Pictures executives Samuel Z. Arkoff and James Nicholson asking their in-house director Roger Corman to make two black-and-white horror films at $100,000 each. At the time, Corman had been producing tightly budgeted horror, science fiction, and juvenile delinquency quickies. With this opportunity, he pitched one film based upon Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Fall of the House of Usher,” saying it would move AIP to up in the motion picture world, as the studio was regarded as the maker of exploitation pictures.

It was the first of a cycle of eight films. Poe is read in every high school and is part of America’s literary canon; Corman’s Poe cycle made the writer an international gothic horror fan favorite.

The Masque of The Red Death was the seventh in Corman’s series. The adaptation also stars Jane Asher (Alfie, Death At A Funeral), Hazel Court (The Premature Burial, The Raven), David Weston (Becket, The Red Baron), and Nigel Green (Jason And The Argonauts, Zulu).

The 4K restoration of the extended cut of The Masque Of The Red Death was done by Martin Scorsese’s Film Foundation, and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Additional funding came from the Hobson/Lucas Family Foundation. The Masque of the Red Death opened the same year as Stanley Kubrick’s nuclear nightmare Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. The fallout from an atomic war would result in a Red Death among survivors. Corman’s take on Poe was seen as a comment on the collateral damage of the Cold War, but it is a film which bridges generations of apocalyptic omens.

We spoke with Corman about the timeliness of his classic adaptation, as well as about stars Price and Asher, cinematographer Nicholas Roeg, and why Corman continues to find different delivery systems for message pictures.

Den of Geek: The last time we spoke, it was right before the inauguration. You had put Malcolm McDowell in funny hair and made him the president of the United Corporations of America. At the time, you said you hadn’t expected Trump to win. Today is the day after his (second) impeachment. Now that 2020 turned out to be a death race, did you expect him to be President Prospero?

Roger Corman: No. I assumed that [Joe] Biden was going to win. The polls all indicated that he was ahead. The polls have not always been correct, but in this case, they were so much in his favor, I assumed he was going to win.

Was there a conscious effort to put out The Masque of Red Death during the COVID-19 crisis with him as president?

Yes. Masque of the Red Death, in the United States, was on one of the platform streaming services, and the ratings on it went way up during COVID, because it was so appropriate. It’s actually more pertinent today than when it was made, because we do have the equivalent of the Red Death pandemic that is killing people all over the world.

In Masque of the Red Death, Prince Prospero brings together his friends, aristocrats and so forth, and they hold themselves up in the castle, to prevent the Red Death from killing them. And we have a somewhat similar situation today.

For instance, Trump is very careful. He claimed that the coronavirus was overrated. As a matter of fact, he said there was no such thing as coronavirus; it was “a hoax” perpetrated by the Democrats to make him look bad. But at the same time he was saying that, he was holed up in the lighthouse, going up primarily only to play golf or to hold big rallies. People were not protected within the rallies, but he himself made a real point of staying away from the crowd, to be on the stage and let the crowd get together and kill themselves, which they did.

The Mar-a-Lago of Red Death.

The Masque of the Mar-a-Lago.

Is it hard to keep a social distance when you’re squirming around on a floor like a worm?

It’s a little difficult, I would believe.

Vincent Price’s voice is beautiful in this movie. This is one of his most seductive parts. How quickly did he capture the character, from rehearsal to shooting?

He had the character pretty much set in mind when he came into it. Vincent always did a great deal of preparation. So what we would do [is] we would discuss the characters, just Vincent and me, before the rehearsals. He and I were in agreement on the character, and then he would bring that character to the rehearsals. We did not do a great deal of rehearsing because of the Screen Actors Guild rules. They charge you as if you are shooting when you rehearse.

Do you remember any notes you had to give him?

This is so long ago. It’s a little bit difficult to remember. But as I remember, I said, “The real key to Prospero’s character is that he believes God is dead.” And everything stems from that belief. That with the absence of God, he was free to do anything he wanted.

Did he always talk like that, like when he was ordering a bagel?

It was pretty much his normal voice. He added a certain drama to [lines], but basically that was Vincent. He was a highly educated man and very intelligent, so he spoke very well. And we simply heightened that somewhat in the films.

The film suffered some major censorship from the Legion of Decency, and the package booklet points out there was church involvement. Did you ever wonder whether you might be going to hell?

No, that never occurred to me. I’m sort of a lapsed Catholic, and I don’t believe there is a hell.

Is Red Death a disease or a sin?

The Red Death is a disease. That’s one of the reasons that’s a plague. You could consider it to be the Black Death of the Middle Ages. It would be the equivalent of coronavirus today.

In the booklet which comes with the DVD, it says that Father Miraliotta said the occult parts of the screenplay were “strung together gibberish” and “mumbo-jumbo Latin.” But did any of the satanic rituals have any validity?

No. We made up pretty much what we wanted. Actually, there were two writers, Chuck Beaumont and Bob Campbell, and I think it started with my discussions with Chuck.

How was Jane Asher to work with?

Jane Asher was wonderful to work with. She was a very young girl. She had worked on the stage. I think she was in the Young Shakespeare Group. And I don’t know if it was her first picture or not, but she was very good. She was an excellent actress and very good and easy to work with.

She was dating Paul McCartney when this was made, and her brother was a musician and a producer. Did you get to experience any Swinging London in-crowd during shooting?

A little bit. As a matter of fact, I can tell you a true story. Jane and I used to have lunch together in the studio commissary. And on a Thursday, she said a friend of hers was traveling through, on his way to London the next day. Would it be all right if he came and watched a shooting during the morning, and we could all have lunch together? And I said, “Sure, fine.”

Culture

When Paul McCartney Braved the Set of Roger Corman’s The Masque of the Red Death

By Tony Sokol

So, I got a director’s chair, sitting next to mine, during the shooting. And it was a nice, young guy, and we talked during the shooting. And I explained to him a little bit between shots how it all worked. And then we all, Jane and he, and I, had lunch together. And it all went very well. I said at the end of it, “Jane tells me you’re going to London. What are you going to be doing in London?”

He said, “Well, I’m with a singing group from Liverpool, and we’re going to be making our debut tomorrow night in London.” He was very cool. He knew that as an American, I didn’t know who The Beatles were or what he was. And as he left, I said, “Well, good luck, Paul, on your debut in London tomorrow night.”

And I remember he was very cool. He understood and he didn’t want to say, “Listen, buddy, we’re the number one group.” He just said, “Well, we’re a singing group.”

And then I saw the paper Sunday morning headlines, “Beatles conquer London.”

Did he ever come back to the set again?

No. But it was very funny. We were at an Academy Award party, which was I think the Vanity Fair party, which was a big thing, of people who were invited and so forth. We were at the Vanity Fair party, and I saw across the room Paul McCartney. And I said, “Oh, there’s Paul over there.”

And my wife, Julie, said, “Let’s go over and talk to him.” And I said, “No. I had lunch with him 60 years or so ago. He isn’t going to remember some guy he had lunch with 60 years ago, and I don’t want to intrude.” because he was in a conversation.

And Julie said, “Well, I want to meet Paul McCartney.” So, she went over and talked to him, and he came over to see me. As he approached, he said, “Masque of the Red Death.” He knew exactly where we’d met.

I interviewed William Shatner a few months ago and I asked about The Intruder, a piece he’s still very proud of. What draws you to consistently infuse your works, in any genre, with at least social questioning?

I’ve always been on the left, liberal side of politics. The Intruder was a time when the desegregation of schools in the South started. The schools in the South had maintained separate schools for Blacks. They were separate, but equal. And the Supreme Court ruled they were separate, but they were not equal, which was correct. They were inferior, and schools had to be integrated rather than keeping them separate. And it caused tremendous rebellion in the South. Chuck Beaumont, who worked with me on a number of pictures, had written the book The Intruder about an agitator, a little bit like somewhere between Joe McCarthy and Trump, who comes in, talking about patriotism and being against integration.

And I bought that book, The Intruder, and made it with Bill Shatner. It was his first picture. He was a Broadway actor, and he just came to Hollywood, and he was wonderful to work with, and the picture got incredible reviews. I’m trying to think of one of them, which was really good. Oh, it said, “The Intruder is a major credit to the entire American film industry.” And it won a couple of awards at minor festivals nobody ever heard of, but it was the first picture I ever made that lost money.

You consistently do social commentary in your work. What brings you back to it?

I stayed with it, but I tried to analyze why The Intruder got such wonderful reviews and such a great reaction, but the audience didn’t come to see it. And I thought, “I think I was too serious in this.” It was almost like delivering a message. And I remember years ago, some Hollywood producer said, “If you want to send a message, use Western Union.” And I thought, “I broke that rule.” And I thought, “I forgot that motion pictures are really basically an entertainment.”

So, from there on in, I used motion pictures as an entertainment, but as a subtext, with whatever theme or thought I was interested in. But first and foremost, the audience came to see and got the entertainment they paid to see. And as a bonus, as it were, there was the subtext, which sometimes was so slender that people didn’t get it. But [some] people got it. That was fine with me.

The restoration is really beautiful. I’d like to ask about the look. Your translation of Poe’s colors. Nicolas Roeg was the cinematographer. What was that collaboration like?

It went very well. It was the first I had done in England, except for a Formula One racing picture, which was in England and a number of other places. And they showed me a work of a number of English cameramen, and I thought Nic was the best of the group. And the collaboration went very well. I thought he did really, a brilliant job of camera work.

Afterwards he became a director. I never knew, did I inspire him to be a director, or did he feel if Roger can do it, anybody can do it?

So, he didn’t actually go through the Corman school of directors. I know you never produced any of his films.

I did not. He did it on his own.

You shot Masque on the set of Becket. What was different about having that as a cinematic playground, as opposed to shooting Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre?

It wasn’t really the set of Becket. What it is, Danny Heller, my art director, and I, always went to what was called a scene dock in studios where we’re going to work. The scene dock contained flats from previous pictures, just individual flats. Each of the pictures we shot in the United States, we were shooting at small rental studios, and the flats were not particularly impressive, but Danny would use them in the designs of sets.

When we did Masque of the Red Death, we found these magnificent flats from Becket. So they were not the sets, but we used those flats, and used them as an integral part of the sets.

Masque of Red Death was one of the first films that you had a longer shooting schedule. What was the first aspect of filmmaking that you noticed was affected by the extra time?

Well, two things. The English crews were very good. They were fully equal to the Hollywood crews, but they worked a little bit slower than the Hollywood crews. So I had a five-week schedule, whereas I had a three-week schedule in Hollywood. And I always thought I really had a four-week schedule, because we were working a little slowly.

Also, when we’d show up to work at 11:00, we would stop for elevenses. And then we would stop for lunch. And then in the middle of the afternoon, we would stop for tea. And I remember mentioning, I’ve forgotten who the assistant director was, but I said, “We’re spending half the day eating here. We should be shooting.”

But he said, “Well, this is the way we do it.”

In 2009, you made the Joe Dante series, Splatter, and each episode was shot in a week based on audience votes. Was that reminiscent of your early days of shooting on the 10-day schedules?

No. By that time, when I first started, although I did shoot a number of films in five or six days, in one picture, The Little Shop of Horrors, in two days. But my general schedule was two weeks when we started. As we moved along, starting with The Fall of the House of Usher, the first of the Poe pictures, I had three-week schedules. And our standard schedule for everything at that time was three weeks, so it was shot on a three-week schedule.

Did you really edit Little Shop of Horrors during a lunch break?

No. I shot Little Shop of Horrors in two days with a little bit of night shooting. So I’d say maybe two-and-a-half days. What happened, I had an office at a small rental studio in Hollywood and I was having lunch with the head of the studio. And he mentioned they had just finished a fairly big, slightly bigger budget picture. It was still low budget, and they had this really good, big set of an office. And I said, “Can you leave that up for a little while?” And he said, “Sure. We’ll leave it up until somebody comes in and rents the stage. And we’ll tear it down and put up the new set.”

So, after lunch, I went over and looked at it. And it was really a very good set, and I said [that] I was sort of experimenting with the concept of comedy and horror combined. And I thought, “It might be fun.”

I didn’t have a great deal of money at that time and nobody was going to back me with what I wanted to do. I thought, “I could shoot a picture here. And since almost everything is within this set, what I could do, I could shoot it in a couple of days, based upon this.”

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Screen Actors Guild salary structure was such that if you hired a person for a day, he got more money than one-fifth of what the weekly structure was. So I thought what I’ll do is hire everybody for a week. We’ll rehearse Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, because everything is in this set. And with everything set up, we can come and shoot on two days, on Thursday and Friday, which is what we did. And the whole thing was done sort of as an experimental lark.

It was quite successful. They made a Broadway play out of it and one thing and another, and a musical. And one of the reasons I think it was so successful was that none of us were taking it seriously. We were taking it and just sort of fooling around and having fun. And I think that attitude helped the picture, because the crew had the same attitude, and the whole thing permeated the shooting.

I remember we started shooting Thursday morning at 8:00. And at 8:30, the assistant director announced we were hopelessly behind schedule.

What are your favorite genres to shoot, and are they the same ones as the ones you watch?

Not particularly. I should watch more genre films to keep up with it. Actually, I watch a certain number, specifically to keep up and see what’s going on now. But I’m more inclined towards somewhat more serious films, and particularly foreign films, although I see fewer foreign films now than I did before. I don’t know why.

We were a production/distribution company, New World, which I founded in 1970, and we distributed for Fellini, Bergman, Kurosawa, Volker Schlöndorff, François Truffaut, a number of others. And I was a great fan of those films and went out of my way to distribute them. I was very much interested in that type of film.

In your early films, were you watching Mario Bava to see what he was doing? And were you expanding on that?

Actually, I saw only one film by Mario Bava, who incidentally I think was a brilliant filmmaker. It was because Jim Nicholson, who was the head of American International, had seen the film and liked Barbara Steele in it. He suggested I see the film and possibly use Barbara Steele.

I saw that one film. I don’t remember the name of it, but I thought it was really excellent. And indeed, I did bring Barbara Steele over. I think it was The Pit and the Pendulum. She played the leading lady.

What did Poe bring to your storytelling that, say, Lovecraft’s adaptations didn’t provide?

Well Poe, and this was part of my interpretation of Poe, I think Poe was working with the unconscious mind, from a writer’s standpoint, the same way that Freud, a little later in the same century, was working from a medical standpoint. I think the concept of the unconscious mind was starting to influence thinking in the 19th century, so I always thought that Poe represented the unconscious mind, and I shot according to that. It was one of my themes.

For instance, I felt the unconscious mind doesn’t really see the world. The conscious mind sees the world with eyes, ears, and so forth, and simply transmits information. So I made a point on all of the Poe films of never going outside unless I absolutely had to do it. I wanted to have full control, to shoot within the studio. Whether it came through to the audience, I don’t know. But at least in my own mind, I was able to deal with special effects with a number of things, with the concept of the unconscious mind.

When I did go outside, I tried to make it something that was not normal. For instance, on the very first picture, The Fall of the House of Usher, the only exterior sequence is when a man, played by Mark Damon, rides through a forest on his way to the House of Usher. And before we were shooting, there was a forest fire in the Hollywood Hills. I saw a picture of it in the Los Angeles Times, and all of the trees were burned. Everything was covered with ash, and I immediately put together, I think, a three or four-man crew. And we were up there in the Hollywood, burnt out hills, showing Mark on his horse, riding through that exterior.

I also used the ocean, a number of times. I feel that essentially, we came out of the ocean, and I felt somehow there is something fascinating about the ocean, even today.

Hazel Court’s invocation sequence is exquisite. When you were putting it together, were you having fun experimenting, trying to capture the unconscious mind?

Yes, it was all of the above. It dealt with the unconscious. We were experimenting, and I was having a lot of fun. I give a lot of credit to Danny Heller, the art director on that, because he would construct certain backgrounds. I would then work with different colored lenses on the camera, and then we would go in to a special effects shop, and they would take what I’d shot and overlay certain images. It was just a lot of fun putting them together, but I think I used that concept in almost every one of the Poe films.

And then of course, many, many years later, when I did The Trip, which was about an LSD experience, I really went crazy with those sequences.

On the other hand, I have to say this, at the time they came out, I got a lot of critical praise for that. But if you look at them today, they look primitive because the special effects today are so brilliant and so far advanced, that not only my pictures, but everybody was pictures at that time, when we used special effects, there was no way we could get the effects you can get today.

What do you think we’ve lost from the Mitchell cameras and having to lug things around and meticulously put together special effects? What do you think is lost in technology making filmmaking easier?

What’s gained is the fact that the special effects are just beyond anything anybody ever dreamed of before. They’re just astonishing. What is lost is the fact that there’s a tendency for the special effects to take over the picture, and the story and the characters are secondary to the special effects. And we’ve lost that to a certain extent. I wouldn’t say all the way, but we’ve lost to a certain extent the examination of characterization and the simple narrative, and the writing of dialogue.

How do you work with your composers on your films?

I work with composers probably a little less than most directors do. I don’t pretend to have great knowledge of music. What I do [is] I talk with the composer and discuss the themes, the mood within each individual scene, the basic feeling I want from the music, and then I leave it to him.

For instance, directors are generally on the soundstage when they’re recording the music. I’m never there. I’m not a conductor. I leave that to the composer.

The last movie you directed was Frankenstein Unbound in 1990. What would it actually take to put you back in the director’s seat?

Well, what happened was because when I started in 1970, I started my own production/distribution company. And I had planned simply to take a year off from directing, because I was just tired. I’d directed about 60 films in about maybe 15, 16 years. And I thought I would take a sabbatical, one year off from directing, and just be a producer and a head of the company. But then the company became instantaneously successful.

It was really amazing. Our very first picture was a giant success, and so were all of the following ones. And I got so involved in all of that [that] I just stepped away from directing. But then Universal did some kind of research, and they came up with the idea that “Roger Corman’s Frankenstein” would be a success for a film, and they asked me if I would like to make it, to produce and direct it. And I said, “No. You may have that research, but in my opinion, it’s just going to be another Frankenstein film. There have been so many Frankenstein films. It isn’t worth going back.”

But they kept coming back to me, and they offered me so much money. Finally, I thought, “Geez, I’d be an idiot not to turn this opportunity down for what they’re now offering me.” And I said, “All right, I can’t say yes right now. But if I can find a new version, something that is a different interpretation of Frankenstein, I will do it.”

And I read a novel, Frankenstein Unbound, by Brian Aldiss, a very good English science fiction and fantasy writer. And it was a story of somebody from the future, who, through a time warp, is thrown back into the 19th century and meets Dr. Frankenstein.

In the novel, he was some sort of a diplomat. But in the movie, I changed him from being a diplomat to a scientist, so that the picture essentially brought a 21st century scientist back to meet a 19th century scientist. And I thought that was an original and new interpretation. So I said, “If you can buy that novel, I’ll make the picture.” Which we did.

With all the streaming alternatives now for new projects, do you think it’s easier for an independent director to break in, or is it still just the same corporate-owned studio stuff?

I think you would divide that into two sections. It’s a little bit more difficult today, particularly with the studios, because they’re making now primarily these giant special effects pictures, and they’re not going to give a new director a chance to play with a $200 million budget.

But new directors are breaking in pretty much the way they were when I started, which is on independent films and particularly on low budget films.

You’re both the producer and the director on Masque. Were there things that you wanted to do as a director that you wouldn’t let yourself do as a producer?

I was a producer and director on almost all of my films, so I never really had any problems with the producer. If there was a problem with the producer, it was a problem with myself.

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creative-type · 7 years ago

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The Problem with the Chunin Exams

Though I didn’t know it at the time, Naruto was my first anime and my first anime love. I was exposed to it through the American dub as a kid without realizing it was Japanese or based on a comic. In my defense, this was before we had internet at my house, and at best I was only able to watch it every other weekend because my dad had cable and my mom didn’t.

I dropped the anime when it started into filler hell and switched over to the manga in high school. I started at the timeskip and caught up to the weekly release around the Naruto-Kakuzu fight. Over the years I grew dissatisfied with the story, though I don’t really have a single moment where I gave up on it entirely. There was a slow decrease in excitement, going from eagerly waiting for the latest spoilers, to reading each chapter as they released, to dropping the manga entirely, and only picking it up again to see the final arc through and being incredibly frustrated with the finale, wondering week to week just where things went wrong.

All this to say, I’m not writing this as a hater. I loved Naruto like I love precious few stories, and though I don’t feel that way now doesn’t stop the series from holding a special place in my childhood. I reread the first 87 chapters to prepare for this - seeing many of them in the manga for the first time - and what I read reinforced what I’ve thought for a long time:

The Chunin Exam arc occurred too early in the series. My reasoning is under the cut, but be warned that long post is long. I regret nothing.

I don’t want this post to turn into a Naruto bash-fest to make One Piece look better in comparison, but in my analysis of the build up to the Arlong Park arc, one of the points I tried to make was that by letting the series build organically to an emotional peak tho “big moments” don’t feel cheap and are much more powerful to the reader.

Naruto starts much faster than One Piece does. It establishes Naruto as a character, introduces Team 7, and gets through the Wave Mission arc by chapter 33. In comparison, chapter 33 for One Piece was the middle of Usopp’s recruitment arc and had yet to have the series’s first, for lack of a better term, epic moments.

The problem for Naruto is that the Chunin Exam arc starts in chapter 34 with the introduction of the Sand Siblings. There’s no time to wind back down, no time for the audience to catch its breath, and no time to explore some of the milestones that were made in the Land of Waves.

And I’m not just talking power ups here, although that would be nice. There are several emotional significant moments for several different characters that are left hanging. I think the most obvious is Sasuke, so we’ll start with him

Team Seven’s Lost Development

Sasuke has a ton of focus even in these early chapters before the Uchia’s took over the plot, and I think it would be fair to say that Naruto and Sasuke are less main character and rival and more deuteragonists with branching stories that interconnect at key points of their lives.

This is taken from when Sasuke saves Naruto from Haku during the climax of the arc. Note the past tense. At this point in time, Sasuke no longer hates Naruto. Through the whole Wave arc there have been moments showing the evolution from Naruto and Sasuke’s relationship from a bitter one-sided rivalry into them actually acting like teammates. The Naruto-Saskuke dynamic is arguably the most important thing in the entire series, and the audience can’t be expected to believe later on that they have this super strong friendship without scenes like this.

Then immediately after the Wave arc we get this

The relationship has soured once more. Sakua even says a few pages later that their relationship is worse than it was before the mission.

I don’t call shenanigans on scenes like this because Naruto and Sasuke are both emotionally stunted orphans unused to interpersonal relationships. There’s a good chance that they don’t know how they’re supposed to react after going through such an emotional life or death scenario.

However, I can and will call shenanigans on events like the Valley of the End or the entirety of Part II because the author never shows Naruto and Sasuke growing beyond this petty antagonism. Instead of being written as two outcasts regressing to avoid dealing with the feels of the Wave arc, the Naruto-Sasuke dynamic stinks of sticking to the status quo.

Sasuke and Naruto aren’t the only ones hit with this, but I tend to give Sakura more of a pass because her character growth happens during the Exams. There are several little hints of Sakura’s increasing awareness of how far behind she is from the boys sprinkled throughout to early exam chapters before hitting the bulk of her character arc during the Forest of Death. There’s even a nice little moment during the written exam where she actually considers someone other than Sasuke for what feels like the first time in the series

The problem here is that this development isn’t given enough set up. I would trade six panels of Sasuke looking cool to see just one interaction between Sakura and her parents. It is absolutely abysmal character writing that we learn about Sakura’s former friendship with Ino from Shikimaru and their rivalry from a freaking info box

Why did Sakura become a ninja? What do her civilian parents think about her being in life-threatening situations as a 12 year old girl? How does she feel about being the only (besides Naruto, as far as she knows) to graduate without a bloodline or family jutsu? What’s the deal with her “Inner Sakura”, is she just repressed, or is there some sort of split personality going on there? Does she have a crush on Sasuke for any reason other than his alleged cuteness? Why didn’t she ever apologize to Naruto for saying that she was jealous he was an orphan, even though he wasn’t present at the time?

Whether intentional or not, Kishimoto made Sakura a very unlikable character early on. I for one remember despising her when first watching the series. And you know what, that’s okay. Each member of Team 7 has enormous personality flaws, and having them slowly overcome said flaws makes for a strong narrative.

The thing is, it takes more time to develop an unsympathetic character than it does one who is sympathetic, and Sakura gets the least character development out of all Team 7 (Kakashi included). This is exacerbated by the fact that she is physically the weakest and does the least during fights - a huge flaw for a main character in a battle manga to have.

Lastly, Sakura’s greatest assets - her intelligence and superior chakra control - are rarely presented as useful. In fact, during her fight with Ino she falls into a basic trap, and the only thing that saves Sakura is her willpower...split personality...whatever the Inner Sakura is. It’s not really made clear and never shows up again.

And speaking of ignored plot points, remember this?

Do you remember Kakashi’s reaction to the possible weakening of the seal keeping in the Nine-Tailed Fox? You know, the innately evil demon monster that can level mountains with just one of its tails?

Yeah, that never gets addressed before the Chunin Exams.

Sakura and Sasuke have an excuse because they didn’t actually see Naruto, but Kakashi is never shown pulling Naruto aside and asking him what happened or taking steps to keep it from happening again. Naruto - the Leaf Village’s Number 1 loudmouth ninja - never asks what happened or is worried that he might lose control to a monster.

Also recall that Naruto decides on his Ninja Way during the Wave arc, yelling it out for everyone to hear because of how upset he was about having to fight and nearly kill someone he liked. This clashes with the current system, a fact Kakashi points out, but Kakashi doesn’t warn Naruto about the potential dangers of this line of thinking, nor are the ramifications of having kids act as child soldiers ever explored.

It’s things like this that make the time taken between major arcs so, so, so important. Not only does it give the characters (and audience) time to process what happened, but quiet moments can lead to incredible character growth, or at least set up later growth that in turn becomes more powerful and realistic because it was properly set up to begin with.

Establishing Secondary Characters

When rereading the primaries for the third round of the exams, three fights stick out as carrying the most emotional weight: Rock Lee vs Gaara, Hinata vs Neji, and Sakura vs Ino.

I’ve already touched on the travesty of the Sakura-Ino rivalry, and while Rock Lee was also introduced during the exams, his motivation and character were established pretty well during the early parts of the arc.

That leaves us with Hinata vs Neji (and later on Naruto vs Neji). Now, out of the Leave genin introduced during the exams, only Ino and Hinata have any real connection to Team 7, and considering Hinata’s place as possible love interest to the main character, she’s arguably the most important to the narrative. Not that she’s ever treated that way, but I digress. Her wholehearted, albeit silent, support for Naruto sets her apart from almost every other character thus far, and her timid, gentle nature is a nice contrast to, well, almost every other character thus far.

(In case it’s not apparent, I really enjoyed Hinata in Part I. I’ll try to keep my bias to a minimum)

In addition, Hinata brings a nice spin on the “hard work trumps natural talent” theme that at this point was important to the story. Unlike Rock Lee and Naruto who (supposedly) are neither talented nor from powerful families, Hinata is a character from a powerful family who has no talent, and has to work past her weakness and overcome the burden of being the heir of one of Konoha’s most prominent families.

We learn none of this until her fight with Neji.

Time is an integral part of tension, and previously establishing conflict would go a long way in getting rid of some of the more awkward exposition dumps. For the Hinata-Neji fight Kishimoto has to explain 1) the byakugan 2) the gentle fist style 3) chakra points 4) how Neji and Hinata are related 5) Hinata’s struggle to better herself and 6) Neji hatred of the main house/fatalist mindset.

That is a ton of information to try to get across in a short period of time, and this isn’t an isolated thing. These mega info dumps aren’t quite as pronounced during Rock Lee and Sakura’s fights, but they’re certainly there. To be fair, it can be hard to convey to the reader what’s going on without some kind of commentator character, but nothing kills the flow of a fight by cutting away from it constantly.

Lastly - and this is again pulling back and looking at the series as a whole - Hinata is basically ignored after this fight, so whatever character development she gets is lessened because there’s no followup.

To be fair, I am just talking about Hinata in this instance. Neji goes through significant growth during the rest of Part I before being mostly ignored in Part II. Because of her injuries Hinata a non-factor during the invasion, and obviously she wasn’t picked to recruit Tsunde or retrieve Sasuke.

This lack of focus has the unfortunate side effect of making the Hinata-Neji fight nothing more than a reason to hype the Naruto-Neji fight. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with hype, and in fact it’s necessary when looking at the arc as a whole. At the same time, it’s also clear Kishi had no idea how to handle the ensemble cast he’d created during the exams.

This mishandling of secondary characters becomes an even bigger issue during Part II, when Shikimaru becomes the only one of the former rookies to get any sort of character focus. Hinata is a favorite of mine, but I don’t buy her love confession anymore than I do Sakura’s, because she’s never seen interacting with Naruto. She is in love with the idea of who she thinks he is (much like Sakura and Sasuke, to be honest. Maybe Kishi should just stay away from romantic subplots.)

I mean, it’s well over 100 chapters before Hinata’s confession is even addressed in canon. I don’t think they have a word for how terrible that kind of writing is.

Fixing the Problem of the Chunin Exams

It can be almost impossible to have “slow” chapters while trying stay up in Shonen Jump’s popularity polls, and I don’t envy the mangaka trying to plan their manga under crushing schedule of weekly serialization, but using the power of retrospect, this is how I would have gone about fixing the problem of the chunin exams.

Firstly, I would have had at least a few of the other rookies be present in the first chapters. Ino would have been a good one to slip in the background when introducing Sakura.

Secondly, I would show the entire rescue the Fire Lady’s cat mission. This might seem stupid, but it would give a baseline for Team 7′s teamwork ability, and give Sakura a chance to show off her brain. For example, Naruto and/or Sasuke could attempt a simple henge only for Sakura to tell them that a cat will still be able to smell them. Something simple like that to establish she’s not absolutely useless.

Thirdly, during the Wave arc I would have Kakashi assign Sakura alternate training, planting the first seed of how far behind the boys she is in terms of ability. This could be anything from working on a jutsu to practicing infiltration to being responsible for setting up booby traps around the house for protection (which would not only make her immediately useful in the Wave arc, but be a nice call forward to the traps she sets during the Forest of Death).

I’d have Team 7 run into Asuma, Ino, Choji, and Shikimaru upon returning from Wave, introducing the concept of the Rookie 9 and Sakura’s rivalry. I would also have Naruto ask Sasuke if they want to train together sometime. In this scenario Sasuke reluctantly agrees, but during the training Naruto asks who Sasuke’s brother is and why Sasuke would want to kill him. This goes about as well as can be expected, thus souring their relationship into the canon state I pointed out earlier.

Forced to train alone, Naruto runs across Hinata working on her taijutsu after Kiba and Shino have gone home for the night. I don’t know if Hinata’s shyness would let her speak in such a situation, but Naruto sees how hard she’s training and tells her to keep up the good work.

Alternately

Team 7 could run across Team Gai at some point, and the audience is introduced to Kakashi and Gai’s rivalry. The Sasuke vs Lee fight from the exams is moved here, while Neji acts like enough of a douche for Naruto to hate him on principle. I kind of like the idea of Sasuke respecting Lee for working to beat someone stronger than he is, which would give Sasuke an added anchor to the village outside of Naruto (for added tragedy when he defects/humanizing him in the present) and give another reason for Lee to chase after Sasuke later in the series.

I would also put a scene where Kakashi asks Naruto about what happened when the seal weakened and/or telling the Hokage about the fox. This would also be a good time for Naruto to first contemplate telling Sakura and Sasuke that he’s a vessel for the fox.

No matter what happened, I would do a repeat of the team’s first cat mission just to show off how far our band of lovable ninjas has come.

Lastly, when Kakashi hands out the application for the exams I would have Sakura talk to her parents about it, or at the very least get their reaction. It would not only give Sakura greater depth but also be a good chance for some world building.

All of this could be done in a chapter or two and without breaking the flow to the exams. Hell, Kishi could have sent them on another C Ranked mission to another country and get in some sorely-needed world building and set up some of the political side of the chunin exams. The possibilities are endless.

In Conclusion

The older I get, the more convinced I become that it’s the stuff that goes on between major story beats that’s most important when developing a story’s emotional tone. It’s a little thing, but it gives a story depth. Unfortunately, it’s a thing that Kishimoto failed to do, and it’s a flaw that only worsened as time went on.

Agree of disagree, thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings of a disenchanted fan. Going over these early chapters reminded me of how good early Naruto was, flaws and all. I don’t regret all the time I’ve put into this series over the years regardless of the omnishambles it turned out to be.

But hey, at least there’s fanfiction.

#naruto #analysis #manga #Sasuke #Sakura #Hinata #Writing #Kakashi #creative-type analyzes

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abitterlifethroughcinema · 5 years ago

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The Five (+1) Movies To Catch For the New Year

WOKE! 2020 Film Awards PReviews

by Lucas Avram Cavazos

It is a mighty and yet daunting task this ‘2020 thing’ that is upon us. I think inherently we all know that some things are going to shift, others will change, some will expand and a lot more are likely to im/explode. Despite the factuality of it all, one constant I will always turn to, and recommend to you my lovelies, is cinematherapy. It goes without saying that some upcoming movies, which are either now or soon to be at our local VOS movie theatres, are also about to sweep some awards and with Oscar nominations going live this second week of January, I believe the movies below will soon be water cooler twawk, so me here at A Bitter Life brings you a BCN in VOSE look at the five (PLUS ONE!) films to catch before awards season intensifies.

In fact, it was a rather decent year for some great fare and not such a hodgepodge of Marvel and Disney movies forced down our throats every other week. The film I must start off with on this 2020 Film Awards Preview would be the excellent South Korean film Parasite ####-1/2, unanimously chosen as the winner of this year’s Palme d’ Or at Cannes and easily gracing the top or near-top of most film critic’s lists this year, as well it should. Telling the story of a South Korean family, the Kims, who slowly become interlopers within the confines of the uber-wealthy Park family. Starting off with one of them acting as a tutor, they slowly find a way to fill a need for the Park family, all while acting as non-related good Samaritans…that is until a botched getaway vacation and an underground bunker with a tale to tell reveal themselves and send the two families into a quagmire that must be seen and lived to be believed. (Now playing all over BCN/CAT/ESP)

Next up would be my personal favourite this year, though very closely followed by the aforementioned film! Once Upon a Time in Hollywood ####-1/2 became, at least for myself, a redeeming factor in the oeuvre of Quentin Tarantino after the meh! feelings given off by his last big screen outing a couple of years ago. Taking the tragic, real-life story of the Manson Murders that ended the life of Roman Polanski’s then-wife Sharon Tate, director Tarantino buckles his audience into their seats and sends them into a time zone tunnel to 1969 Los Angeles. One of the things that has always revolved around a Tarantino movie is the element of revenge. Here, we have a different take on a true event, but the concept is widened by the director using actors Brad Pitt, Leonardo di Caprio and even Margot Robbie as conduits of a bygone era that give a peek into a mindset and time that usually must be lived to be remembered. The fact that we, the viewing audience, feel like we were actually there in ’69 and then also given the chance to make up our own mind as to a possible different ending to the Manson family murders is mere evidence of a great director/writer who seamlessly gives us a choose-your-own-adventure saga with superb cameos. Excellent cinema once again. (Soon on DVD/Blu-ray & VOD)

The next big film that has increased the star power and respectability factor of Happy Gilmore, uh I mean, Adam Sandler is the ever-loved and heralded film Uncut Gems ####. If we have to put some truth to power, it must be noted that part of the film’s appeal is that it is such a New York City film. When you then throw in the elements of a thriller mixed with the Diamond District of Manhattan AND a run-around plot that also includes ballers and entertainers like Kevin Garnett and The Weeknd playing themselves, what you get is a peek into what feels like a true-life crime show playing out in front of your eyes. Add in the ever-excellent Tilda Swinton and Natasha Lyonne, as well, and even despite the long 2-1/4 hour running time, what you get is Adam Sandler, under the direction of the Safdie brothers and along with the good graces of Netflix (who will also be distributing the film in Europe), becoming the new Comeback Kid. (To be released in BCN/CAT/ESP via Netflix on Jan.31)

While we’re on the subject…Netflix. Whatever your thoughts may be on the streaming site service (and others like it), it goes without saying that VOD services have become the wave of the future. Home cinema and entertainment centres/systems are what make for the latest in silver screen viewing. For the last three-plus years, the world cinema system (not to mention film academies and award outlets) have had to adapt to a new reality few probably ever even thought of before this new digital age. Just a few days ago, perhaps showing a bit of wane after receiving the most nominations, only two actress winners took home trophies, Olivia Colman as The Queen in The Crown and Laura Dern for A Marriage Story, reviewed below. With that said, famed director/ writer/ producer Marty Scorcese decided to go the Netflix route for his (likely) last mafia opus The Irishman ####, detailing the life story and inner workings of the Philly mob, while also detailing intricacies of the Teamster unions, Jimmy Hoffa, the Kennedys and the inner workings of the US mafia and its many minions. Financed by Mexican firm Fabrica de Cine (mad side-eye and furrowed brow) amongst Netflix and other studios for international rights, the production of the film apparently ballooned up to (and some reports even say, well beyond) $160 million. With just under 8�� million reaped at the worldwide box office (taquilla) coffers, it’s fair to say that this film in all its glory should have been edited to a slightly shorter length and intended for movie theatres. It has had a fairly great response by viewers on the streaming site du jour, but even Sandra Bullock garnered hella more viewers with her formulaic thriller Bird Box earlier in the year. As a student and tutor of history, the elements of the film that stood out to me went beyond the impeccable performances, specifically by Pacino as Jimmy Hoffa, but of course De Niro and Pesci as Frank Sheeran and Russell Bufalino, as well, but it was Scorcese’s capturing of that forgotten time around which we find so many Trump supporters harkening to, and it details the trials and tribulations of the working class then…and perhaps, even now. That aside, I abhorred the expensive de-ageing CGI process to make the Italian acting kings look younger…just vile. It was like they suddenly became animated secondary characters from a dropped scene in Spielberg’s Tin Tin film a few years ago…bloody odd for a live-action mafioso epic. Still…Scorcese is the only working director who can capture that essence of a time gone by and dress it in Hollywood’s finest if overly-priced storytelling. Which brings us to the other Netflix gem to catch…but only when emotionally prepared. (Now streaming on Netflix and select screens)

Marriage Story ####, a.k.a. that likely Oscar-nominated film that will require too many tissue moments, also makes its way to this list. Trust, I can get my heart strings pulled quite easily if the right sentiments abound, so I was non-plussed going into this because I had already heard from my film fest peops that it was a bit of a tearjerker. Undeniably, there is a brutally-displayed realness that envelops the main characters of this film, particularly actresses Scarlett Johansson and Laura Dern. Helmed by the wonderful Noah Baumbach, Johansson gives a near-best performance as former teen actress turned TV actress Nicole Barber, who separates from her NYC theatre-directing husband played by Kylo Ren himself, Adam Driver. When she takes a role and moves to LA, along with their child, things become even more real. There is a gutsy bravado that clearly makes itself beyond relevant, as the melancholy yet funny film continues, and I, for one, could hardly keep the sobs at bay with the ending of the film. This is the stuff that ‘rom-drams’ need last their heart, not that paltry shite fed to too many simpletons by Nicholas Sparks. (Now streaming on Netflix and select screens)

Aaaaaaaaand…lastly, Knives Out ####-1/2 rightly fixes itself into a final slot on this list because it is one of those long-lost wonders of vintage cinema…a star-studded quasi-whodunnit with wit and thrills and superb, serio-comedic acting by everyone involved. A mere smattering of those actors would be Daniel Craig, Chris Evans, Jamie Lee Curtis, Spanish actress and Golden Globe nominee Ana de Armas, Michael Shannon, Toni Collette and even Don friggin’ Johnson! Following an investigation into the sudden death of famed mystery writer Harlan Thrombey (Christopher Plummer), who had just invited main members of his family to his mansion for his birthday celebration, we see the touches of a perfectly poised ensemble film. Director/writer Rian Johnson has really stepped up to the plate with the best of the new directors and fresh off his box-office behemoth Star Wars: The Last Jedi from a couple of years back, his helming a film like Knives Out really plays his hand heavily in his diversity and directing tenacity. The fact that he also wrote this fine piece of script and dialogue makes him even more worthy of a possible director nod and it goes without saying that the cast is undoubtedly the finest ensemble piece made and released in the last year, and if you’ve been seeking a classic feel of a film with a smart, sharp modern twist, this film will satiate any of those olskie-olskie longings of a nostalgic murder mystery that makes you feel good after you leave the cinema. (Now playing in BCN/CAT/ESP)

#cinema #ABitterLifeThroughCinema

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how2to18 · 6 years ago

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MORE THAN FIFTY YEARS AFTER her death, Shirley Jackson has risen again.

The writer first shot to prominence in 1948 when her chilling short story “The Lottery” was published by The New Yorker, generating the most mail the magazine had ever received in response to a work of fiction; she went on to terrify readers in the American Gothic tradition of Hawthorne and Poe with over 200 short stories and six novels. Yet, for reasons both mysterious and typical, her work fell out of favor and was largely out of print just 10 years ago. The past few years, however, has seen a reviving interest in her work: several of her short story collections were reissued, including Dark Tales with a foreword by Ottessa Moshfegh, whose own work owes a lot to Jackson; Ruth Franklin’s biography Shirley Jackson: A Rather Haunted Life won the National Book Critics Circle Award; and, most recently, Netflix based its series The Haunting of Hill House on Jackson’s beloved ghost story of the same name. Jackson, who was described on the jacket copy of her novel The Road Through the Wall, as “perhaps the only contemporary writer who is a practicing amateur witch,” would no doubt have delighted in the posthumous comeback. Maybe we can consider it a literary haunting. If so, Jackson’s ghost has impeccable timing.

We are in a moment of deep political divisiveness, characterized by fear, and a nagging mistrust of institutions. An annual study conducted by Chapman University found that Americans biggest fear in 2018 was corruption of governmental officials, beating out a terrorist attack or even the death of a loved one. Between shady-seeming politicians, and the exaggerated online personas crafted on social media, there is a pervasive sense that people are not who they seem to be. After the 2016 presidential elections, many people woke to the disquieting realization that the country they lived in was not what they thought it was; the realization was not gradual, but spookily disorienting, as if it had been possessed by body-snatching aliens overnight. Totems of American wholesomeness have taken on sinister new meaning — neo-Nazis have swapped skinhead attire for all-American khakis and white polos. Upstanding men, many of them, like Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, projecting an image of the ideal family man, were accused of sexual misconduct and rape. In October, The New York Times reported that white supremacists co-opted milk as a sign of genetic superiority, apparently predicated on the ability to easily digest dairy. According to the paper, one supremacist wore in a racist Facebook post, “If you can’t drink milk, you have to go back.”

As fans of her work will know, this is pure Jackson territory — her work is characterized by the incipient horror that lurks in everyday American life. In “The Lottery,” the people of an unnamed village gather in the town square on a fine summer day in what first appears to be an idyllic portrait of small-town America … until the ritualistic stoning begins. In “What a Thought,” a bored housewife looks over at her adoring husband after dinner and is struck with the urge to murder him. In “The Beautiful Stranger,” a man returns from a business trip, unable to convince his wife he is really her husband. In “The Possibility of Evil,” Miss Strangeworth, a pleasant 71-year-old woman, beloved as the town matriarch, is revealed to have a habit of sending anonymous, incredibly hateful notes to various townspeople. She does it not out of malice but because “as long as evil existed unchecked in the world, it was Miss Strangeworth’s duty to keep her town alert to it.” Here, Jackson is particularly prescient: what Miss Strangeworth does with a stub of a pencil and sheets of colored paper, is what hundreds of thousands of perfectly nice people do on the internet today. We even have a supernatural nickname for them: trolls.

There is an old parable about a frog being boiled to death. It holds that a frog put in boiling water will jump out immediately. But a frog placed in water that is gradually heated won’t notice the change until he’s boiled alive. That’s what reading Jackson is like — the reader, like many of her characters, isn’t fully aware of the evil until it subsumes them, and then it is too late.

Hill House, the cursed Victorian mansion in The Haunting of Hill House, is immediately distasteful to the novel’s four main characters, who have moved into the house on an ill-fated research mission. But it isn’t until several days later that the root of the house’s wrongness is revealed — every angle in the house is a fraction of a degree off, giving its inhabitants a feeling of disorientation that is all the more unsettling because its cause is so hard to trace. Perhaps that’s why, once the initial ill impression wears off, the researchers find themselves quite comfortable at Hill House: “Odd,” thought Eleanor, the novel’s protagonist, “that the house should be so dreadful and yet in many respects so physically comfortable — the soft bed, the pleasant lawn, the good fire, the cooking of Mrs. Dudley.” Actually, that comfort is part of the house’s evil, a warm embrace that first placates and then suffocates its victims. Like the poor frog, Eleanor doesn’t realize the house’s hold on her until she’s already cooked.

Depending on the critic, Hill House has been said to symbolize everything from sexuality, the psyche, family, and the female body. Likely it’s some amalgamation of all these. Houses held a dual significance in Jackson’s own life. While she is best remembered for her ghost stories and thrillers, Jackson also penned humorous slice-of-life essays for women’s magazines that detailed her life as a dutiful housewife, raising four children in the suburbs. Jackson bore the brunt of childrearing and household chores, while her husband, literary critic Stanley Hyman, was a hands-off father, often embroiled in an affair with one of his students from Bennington College. In Shirley Jackson: A Rather Haunted Life, biographer Ruth Franklin reveals how life in the home both stifled and inspired Jackson. “Jackson could not come into her own as a writer before she had children,” writes Franklin. “She would not have been the writer she became without them.” Later in her life, Jackson, increasingly unstable, alcoholic, obese, and addicted to amphetamines, would choose to spend most of her time in the family home, rarely leaving it but for the obligatory outing. She died there, at the age of 48, from an apparent heart attack in her sleep.

Whatever it meant to Jackson, Hill House’s menacingly seductive comfort is one that strikes a chord today. Modern life is safer and more convenient than ever. We have a dizzying array of gadgets that make our lives easier (and eliminate or ameliorate many of the household chores that would have occupied Jackson) and health care has progressed to the point that life expectancy has increased nearly a decade in just 50 years. Yet many of us are plagued with the sense that all is not well. Anxiety is at an all-time high, and the boom of the wellness industry testifies to the pervasive fear that our environment is trying to kill us: our air is poisoned, our bread is toxic, and our doctors are lying to us. Still, few of us choose to give up the modern comforts that have so ensnared us. In The Haunting of Hill House, the house is first introduced to us as “not sane.” We too can become comfortable in a house “not sane,” hypnotized by our phones and TVs, slaves to convenience, increasingly lonely and unhappy.

When Tessie Hutchinson, the loser of the draw in “The Lottery,” is ultimately stoned to death, it’s horrifying. But what really chills the reader is how easily her fate, and the entire tradition of the lottery, is accepted by the crowd. Old Man Warner, the village elder, scoffs at word that a neighboring village is talking of ending the tradition of the Lottery:

“Pack of crazy fools,” he says. “Listening to the young folks, nothing’s good enough for them. Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting to go back to living in caves, nobody work any more, live that way for a while. Used to be a saying about ‘Lottery in June, corn be heavy soon.’ First thing you know, we’d all be eating stewed chickweed and acorns. There’s always been a lottery.”

And he goes on for some time. It’s the kind of rhetoric many of us will recognize in today’s political discourse: if we let same-sex couples marry, next thing you know people will start marrying their animals! If we legalize cannabis, soon it’ll be heroin! If we let the immigrants in, the country will fall apart! Recently, the writer Lincoln Michel spoofed Jackson’s seminal work to make exactly that point, in his brilliant piece for McSweeney’s titled, “Stoning Our Neighbors to Death Makes the Corn Grow High, and Elitist Liberals Should Stop Attacking this Traditional Value.”

But Old Man Warner is not the only one guilty of perpetuating a brutal and inhuman practice. Each of the villagers is complicit, Mrs. Hutchinson included. “Be a good sport, Tessie,” says one of the other housewives. “All of us took the same chance.” It’s easy to imagine that if Tessie wasn’t chosen, she would have been throwing stones with the rest of the crowd. As the sacrificial victim, however, the tradition of the lottery looks very different to Mrs. Hutchinson. The short story ends with the following lines: “‘It isn’t fair, it isn’t right,’ Mrs. Hutchinson screamed, and then they were upon her.”

What’s amazing is how quickly each of the villagers forgets how it was only a stroke of random luck that saved them from sharing Mrs. Hutchinson’s fate. This is what we can learn from Jackson. In her work, the real evil isn’t violence or supernatural hauntings. It’s complacency. Jackson reminds us that, in real life, we don’t have to wait until we’ve drawn the bad lot to recognize the injustices around us.

Hayley Phelan writes about culture, style, travel, food, and the internet for The New York Times, New York Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, Elle, Conde Nast Traveler, Business of Fashion, and The Cut. She also has a column in the New York Times Thursday Styles Section.

The post Shirley Jackson, Trump, and the Evil of Complacency appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

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The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist

This is the story of a man who raged against the vagina and lost. A man whose erection died a thousand deaths, until all it had left was its God. But at its core, it’s the redemption tale of a man who went from sex predator to sex predator for the Lord. If you have any holes on you, you already know who I’m talking about: pick-up artist and author Don Diebel.

It’s important to me that you know this is a real person, and not some wacky character I invented for an SNL audition. This man is an actual author who wrote real books. Here is how he appeared in the actual June 1990 issue of real publication Texas Monthly:

Coming into the 1980s, Don Diebel’s only personality trait was sex. Whether he was out on the town or at home coyly staring the panties off you from white overalls with no shirt or muscle tone, Don made every interaction into penetration. You may look at his picture and think, “This guy? He looks like a Before picture in an Out Traveler control shampoo ad.” Sick burn, but don’t be fooled. He waged a four-decade crusade against unfilled orifices. Planned Parenthood nurses would call him the Baba Yaga.

Don, a leading Texas pussy vagrant, started off with the noble goal of teaching others how to swindle strangers out of sex. It’s a cause that would consume and ultimately destroy him, but at the age 33, Don didn’t know any of this. He only knew two things, and both of them were titties. With his thick, wavy hair going prematurely white — a totally-worth-it side effect of mustache ride friction — he wrote his first book on the thing he thought he did best: How To Pick Up Women In Discos.

Unfortunately, Don wasn’t as great with language as he was with nipple play. He wrote like a man who spent elementary school crushing ass instead of learning sentence structure. He made love like a dream, but when he typed, his commas limply flopped into the wrong spots like a porn actor who lied on his resume. Don Diebel is first and foremost a lover, and not at all any kind of second thing. No publisher wanted his manuscript.

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To circumvent the literary world’s decency and taste, Don started his own publishing company. The newly founded Gemini Pub Co’s first book, How To Pick Up Women In Discos, became an instant critical and financial failure. What happened? Well, Don Diebel can only spell “pusy,” and he writes like eight of his fingers are trapped in a butt. Politics also played a part. It’s easy to forget that women in 1980 had to file taxes as “female livestock or lipstick storage equipment,” and they could still be arrested for removing the tuna from a Jell-O casserole recipe. Yet even during that era, Don’s book on “picking up” women was seen as sexist. So Diebel bounced back in 1982 with the more gently titled THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN. It was pretty much the same book.

Don still had issues with punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but you don’t buy a book like THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN because you have keen communication skills. You buy it because your swollen balls were in the bookstore shrieking, “Aargh! Try anything! Heeelp!” Here’s what’s crazy, though: This book is almost criminally wrong about how to approach women. Applying this book to your game is like adding anime rants and seven mouth sores to your game. If you’ve had sex fewer than 70 times, reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN legally restores your virginity. Let’s look at some excerpts (1982 first edition). All typos are Don’s.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of women you’ll run into in the disco. Watch out for The Man-Hater! She’s a type of wildlife who only goes to singles bars to make mean faces at men asking for casual sex. You can skip most of this chapter, since if you use the techniques described in the book, you’ll find virtually all women fall into this category.

This section helps establish some of the rules for the ladies. If you make eye contact with Don Diebel, then great. Enjoy the moistest night of your life. And if you make the mistake of not accepting his penis, the least you could do is give honest but fair notes on what he and it could have done better.

Stay where you are, though, silent and alert. Don will have some questions and arguments, followed by several sexual offers of reduced intimacy, such as “handjob” or “eat your ass.” Wait for him to fully complete his exit interview before going home. If you do remain in the club, you tease, return to Don often, and a bit hornier if you don’t mind, for up to ten last chances. Don understands this can be inconvenient, but it’s what you signed up for when you brought a vagina with you outside.

So let me get this straight, Don. You spend your afternoons looking for the least interesting alcoholic in Houston’s Holiday Inn bars, and you’re willing to be slapped and humiliated for the desperate, minuscule chance to destroy an already sad person’s marriage. And after years of this, you think, “I should write an advice book to help others avoid this tragic life. Wait. No, the opposite.” This whole book is like getting advice from the world champion of diarrhea speed eating.

Judging by the advice he gives, Don considers a woman not taking a swing at him to be a sexual conquest. His approach is to take the tact of a subway masturbator, combine it with the charm of a subway masturbator, then remove all self-awareness. So yes, of course it seems like topless dancers are “easy lays” to him. When he talks to a woman in literally any other line of work, she calls the police before he says a second thing.

It’s important to note that Diebel thinks he invented trying to fuck strippers. This will be a recurring theme in his books, along with another overlooked source of eligible bachelorettes:

With this level of relentless pursuit, I have to wonder how Don managed to stay single. I’d ask one of his former lovers about it, but this entry makes me think I’d need a team of dogs and a shovel to find one.

Women, this is going to sound like obvious advice after you hear it, but find yourself a man who can list nine different swingers magazines before he even gets to the mediocre ones.

Whether it’s Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, a good science communicator finds ways to take complicated, expansive concepts and translate them into conversational language. Others, such as Don Diebel, might ramble for 57 words about untested neuroscience instead of suggesting “Point at your dick?”

Shout out to 1982’s Barbara, who managed to have the most uncomfortable line in a panty sniffer’s How To Date-Rape book. This was your chance to help people, and you really blew it, Barbara. I don’t know why I’m lecturing you, though. You’ve probably been dead 30 years, and your entire eulogy was just your bartender telling a coroner, “Yeah, I think that’s Britney.”

If a lady isn’t having a good time at a party where a man is leaning against a wall pointing at his dick, it’s probably because she’s sitting too far away to see. Move in close, wiggling your fingers around your genitals as necessary. If her eyesight is especially bad, here is how you say “I’M POINTING AT MY DICK” in Braille:

Haha wait, what? Fucking what, Don Diebel? This is a complete reversal of what you were saying last page. I’d hate to find out I became registered as a sex offender in 19 states by following the advice of a guy who was so full of shit he couldn’t even keep his own wisdom straight. Oh, great. Now you’ve got me writing GOP slogans.

Well, yeah. Duh. I have a boner, Don, not a passion for sorcery.

Don Diebel, if masturbation fantasies were forced by universal law to come true, we would all be hunky detectives investigating erotic mysteries with Shannon Tweed. Every few hours, we would suddenly find ourselves buried in confusing piles of our stepmother’s pantyhose. You can’t conjure things by fantasizing about them really hard. And if you could, the least imaginative seventh-grader would occupy the free time of every hot girl in the world. Don Diebel, listen. You can literally look down at your own lonely, unwelcome dick to know none of this is true, Don.

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN continues like that for a while, going into great detail on how to hypnotize yourself to be more seductive and offering beginner hygiene tips to avoid being a dealbreaker at orgies. The book was, by any measure, a humiliating disaster. His eager, virgin dong still had more to teach, but cracks were starting to form in Don Diebel’s fragile soul.

It had been eight years since the release of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, and the book only became popular in one community: district attorneys presenting evidence in rape trials. But Don had an idea that could turn his literary career around — an idea most people would call embarrassing. It was a pick-up artist book written by a man, but for, get this, ladies.

It’s worth noting that the two-time failed author whose advice on hitchhikers was “try to fuck them” was now describing himself on book jackets with “Don Diebel — World famous writer, author, lecturer, dating consultant, TV and radio personality, astrologer, has helped thousands of lonely hearts win at the game of love with his phenomenal best-sellers.”

FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men was an ambitious project to take female victims and sexually aggressive disco creeps and swap their brains. If it worked, it would be the greatest breakthrough in free vagina since Donald Trump had a daughter. And if it didn’t, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely idiot whose greatest ambition was to get away with sexual assault — the exact thesis of his last book. Let’s see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical errors have been respectfully left in.

The first chapter is mostly for fun. It describes the different types of men you’ll run into in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He only came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. Did he … no. No, he couldn’t have. There’s no way.

Oh, holy shit. This is … oh, holy shit. Don’s book on helping ladies find romance is just THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN, word for word, with the genders switched. This maniac actually knows so little about women that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing handbook and it will work as woman’s guide to finding love. That’s … that’s the most sexist thing but also somehow the least sexist thing I’ve ever heard.

When I realized he rewrote the same book (again), only with different pronouns, I thought, “OK, but he’s going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right?” He fucking didn’t! All he did was add three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while it is dangerous, she still has at least a 51 percent chance of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter. But before you jump on that “golden opportunity,” girls, keep in mind that these statistics are only the casual speculation of a lonely man who dreams of one day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of highway stabbing incidents.

If you’re luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you’re operating at the very highest level of finding Mr. Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more. You started as a sad woman with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to rub his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel.

Maybe I didn’t give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his manual for beginner sex predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women into your home to pretend to do astrology. In the female version, there’s a bit of astrology.

One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich men. This replaced a chapter for the men devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not be a smart man, but Don has been kicked out of enough orgies to know that women prefer cash prizes to group sex.

When FINDING MR. RIGHT: A Woman’s Guide To Meeting Men — the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable book — didn’t work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen mind, honed by years of imagining vulvas, thought: “What if there was a collection of pages that contained the names, locations, and phone numbers of businesses!?” He then published THE HOUSTON ENTERTAINMENT AND Dating GUIDE: WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO FROM A TO Z

This joyless list of business hours and addresses contained 100 pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen centers are as basic concepts. If you were in the Houston area in the early ’90s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it made the perfect gift. Unfortunately, this was not a large enough group of people to make the book a hit.

So after publishing one pick-up artist book three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don spent eight years coming up with his realest idea yet. It was a book about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only part he’d ever experienced: the opening line.

In 1999, at the age of 52, Don Diebel published 1001 Best Pick-Up Lines: Sure-fire Opening Lines For Meeting, Attracting, and Seducing Women. On the book jacket, he described himself as “America’s #1 Singles Expert and one of the nation’s leading experts on dating and relationships.” He was back and doing what he did best: creating awkward situations between a handful of sad men and their book store clerks, then nothing fucking close to anything else.

Fun fact: The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick getting seduced in a bar, Don used clip art of what seems to be a hospitality worker explaining to a passenger that his mother just fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange choice, and also one irrelevant to anything I’ll be discussing! Let’s take a look inside:

Women love honesty, but they also love mystery, which makes this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you want her, engaging in the sensual game of cat and mouse that is seduction. She’s thinking, “Did this elderly man really fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humor and no judgement?” and you’re thinking, “LICK HER TOES, COWARD. NO, MOTHER, I MUSTN’T! LICK HER TOES, COWARD.”

At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it’s so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic feeling that only exists between the moment you open a Valentine’s Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the trash. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment.

If you built a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it found, it would be better at its job than this line is at picking up women.

This one isn’t bad, Don, but the default human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising “Sure-fire opening lines for meeting, attracting, and seducing women” from “America’s #1 Singles Expert.” This is kind of like including “milk” in a cookbook, or “none” in The Comprehensive Guide To Vaginas Don Diebel Has Actually Seen.

“Because if you are, your pizza, pastas, and zeal for life really plumb my koopas. And lasagna? I’m sorry, no woman has ever let me talk this long. I- aaaaaaahhhhh I’m! Is this? I-I’m CUMMMING!!!!”

This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I think Don has given up trying to seduce ladies and now he’s simply searching for the secret cheat code to turn off a woman’s nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own pants fill with pee. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the Diebel family crest.

This opening line can really move things along, but it only works on Alzheimer’s patients who are willing to have sex with the men they think are their children.

No, she’s still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1,001 conversation starters if the only nine honest conversations you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can’t remember them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own book, how are they going to work on the real women laughing at the little mustache you grew to hide your chimpanzee lips? How many times will you ask them if they’re Italian while they’re telling the bouncer you were smelling their bar stools? A million dollars says the closest you’ve ever come to actual sex is when you found a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fuck, Don Diebel.

While she’s lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with “That counts! You all saw! FIRST BASE FOR DIEBEL! Ow! Stop! OK, I’m leaving! I, HEY! I’m entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl!”

Let’s imagine this in a best-case scenario. Let’s say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let’s say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn’t you, Don Diebel, the man giving local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her drink and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we’re not done.

Don, you seem to think a woman’s mood can be manipulated with suggestion and imperceptible body language. If that’s true, and we’re just playing games now because it isn’t, wouldn’t it work in the opposite direction? Don’t you think running up to her with a butt smell emergency might undo the 40 seconds you spent trying to get her to look at your dick? By your own science, you’ve implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one steps out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy.

Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this point you might as well ask for her address and if it’s OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she throws out.

This isn’t how meeting people works or how licking people works. The nicest thing anyone has ever said about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: “Don Diebel’s direct, slobbery approach to picking up women saves everyone time! Most sexual predators hide their dark intentions behind charm until it’s far too late!”

You probably know this is the desperate act of a sex criminal and wouldn’t work. If you did this one million times, you would see zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison. This is like writing a book on finance and suggesting, “Sell a stolen bike for $50 million! (Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics.)” And don’t fucking forget, Don Diebel wrote this when he was a 52-year-old man. That’s almost 40 years past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said a second thing to him.

There’s no way anyone is this bad with women. If you told me this book was a marketing scheme created by the pepper spray industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.

Is that true, women? Call the police for “no,” and dry heave for a more comical “no.”

I’ve made fun of a lot of the stuff in this book, but this one is just good writing. It’s effective, too. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you’re only a horny idiot works in any situation. For instance, if you’re at the DMV, say, “You crazy bitch, I know you took my cat!” Then I wait six, maybe seven beats, and finish, “…alog for big penis rubbers. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet?”

Let the record show: America’s #1 Singles Expert suggests, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines, that you should tell a woman her dad makes you horny with a trumpet pun.

If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At night, she will lay awake remembering how you introduced yourself. She’ll think about it when you’re inside her. She’ll go onto pervert forums and trumpet subreddits, desperately looking for answers. “My lover said my father must play the trumpet because he sure does make him horny. Please, what does it mean?” You couldn’t say anything more hauntingly unappealing if you walked up to a stranger and asked to slide your cold hands into her tits.

Oh, come on. Fuck your frigid soul, Don Diebel. You would lick a hole into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it.

This book contains an entire chapter of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead, but direct quotes and references to the cartoon. I don’t have a joke about that; I just want you to know it exists.

Don also included a chapter specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like “What’s your real name?” and, I swear to God this is a line in its entirety, “Show me your bush!” He suggests saying, “Don’t you get tired of all these horny men with their brain between their legs?” on the same page as, “Don’t you get tired of being around all these drunks and horny men acting like a bunch of idiots?” Most of the other lines are different ways you can shame her and her filthy job.

Don Diebel is absolutely the lonely man in the strip bar earnestly seeking a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of man says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel’s chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year 2000, Don was a 53-year-old man offering sex to sex workers with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen’s blood. And things didn’t get much better in the next decade.

The 2000s were a slow time for Diebel’s publishing. His first five books were the dark fantasies of a monster too sheepish to go through with a real kidnapping. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo — useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into.

Dwell magazine did an interview with him, not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they saw an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he would be the perfect expert to review three modern lamps. Each of his reviews were the incoherent ramblings of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that’s not important. What’s important is it revealed Don Diebel had a website, and it’s exactly what you’d expect.

It’s called Getgirls.com, and it sells sex cologne, romance cassettes, and his stupid goddamn books. And these are not products for presentable men looking to enhance their desirability — Getgirls.com is totally banking on you having several crippling emotional disorders and facial defects. His approach to women is 100 percent “You’re barely slime, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing.” Here’s a screenshot:

Getgirls.com’s products are designed to turn unwilling women into sex partners, which is strange, because it’s the one thing the site’s creator has plainly never done. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis tapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penises wasn’t as successful as you might imagine, so Don tried one last time to write a book on scoring babes. Let’s talk about 2009’s 200 Guaranteed Ways To Succeed With Women: Everything You Need To Know On How To Meet, Date, And Attract Women.

This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one mostly focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It’s less a guide to crushing ass and more of a training manual for a crisis hotline volunteer. The entries are self-help mantras like “Cure for the blues (#10)” and “How to be happy (#14),” which take up less than a whole page put together. And #30 is just “How to eat Italian food,” with a couple of tips on table manners. But let me tell you about #29. Oh, holy shitting fuck, #29.

Imagine the erotic memoirs of a 62-year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn’t sure which of the blobs is the mons pubis. That’s what I’m about to show you. The 29th Guaranteed Way to Succeed with Women is called “My date from hell,” and it’s an un-proofread account of Don Diebel’s greatest sexual triumph:

One of the reasons Diebel’s pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked women jump on him before he can practice them. And if you’re thinking none of this happened, which of these two scenarios is more likely?

A: A sad man with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely story in which he’s highly motivated to lie.

B: The hottest girl, like, ever gets into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly man as he’s trying to drive over sunbathers.

C: Oh, you weren’t expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally end this sentence with three sexually charged words penis, butt, penis. Hi, I’m Seanbaby, and I’ve read all of Don Diebel’s books. Show me your bush.

Assuming this date really happened (and aren’t we being cute), Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She agreed, but instead of a wild night of romance, they discovered Don left his dog home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard bodies. It was comatose from dehydration. This means in an imaginary story wherein Diebel controls every detail, he nearly murders his own dog and can’t close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sex. But don’t give up yet. We’re not even close to done.

OK, so Don Diebel killed his dog, but not before it got way more action from his date than he did.

Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Obviously, he could drive back to the beach to find a replacement hot girl, maybe even one who hadn’t watched a dog die on her own mouth that afternoon. But Diebel was going to finish what he started — he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the pier, his beloved dead companion still lingering on her breath.

None of the date was going well. She flirted with other men, Don picked a fight with her, and she jumped into a lake and nearly died. “I was pissed,” remembers Don. But you don’t get to be America’s #1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet girl he hated back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sex mere feet from a bag of dog food to go forever uneaten. Instead, this happens:

That was quite an adventure, right? It’s obviously — OBVIOUSLY — not true, but all good lies have elements of truth in them. So, Houston police, there’s a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his dog, drugged a woman, and threw her body in a lake. The only part of the story I 100 percent believe is that Don couldn’t get laid even with the world’s sluttiest girl over the course of eight location changes.

Don reprinted this story on a self-help(!) website, and I really encourage speculative fiction fans to go read it in its entirety: My Date From Hell. But do that later, because we’re about to enter the 2010s, the decade when Don Diebel truly lost his entire mind.

With the forgettable 200 Guaranteed Whatevers To Disappoint Your Erection behind him, Don had to reach deep into his vulva-haunted brain for an original idea. He didn’t find one. He published 100 Best Places To Take A Date, with ideas like “miniature golf” and “pizza.” It was a dickless shadow of an idea already written by thousands of history’s dumbest, least imaginative writers and made long obsolete by phone books. Diebel’s inspirations were as drained as the balls of a man who seductively screams “Show me your bush!” at topless dancers.

Fun Fact: This is the actual copy of 100 Best Places to Take a Date sent to me by Don Diebel. It came with a homemade label, no case, and an advertisement for a CD on dominating pussy no longer in stock. Wait, out of stock? You’re an old man burning CD-ROMs in his apartment. How does that supply chain get disrupted? Was there some kind of button shortage on your mouse? Did your assisted living nurse throw out the floppy disk that had dom_pu~1.wpd on it? This last one isn’t a joke but a real guess: did you get banned from Radio Shack for attempted rape? I guess my point is, Don Diebel isn’t good at anything.

Destroyed by the soul-crushing realization that he was out of ideas for seducing women, he gave up and wrote what might be the loneliest book title since Single Player Rules for Fallout: The Board Game. Here it is:

Don Diebel was alone in a universe where ass no longer held meaning. The Easy Way To IMPROVE YOUR GOLF WITH S/A GOLF HYPNOTISM took the same self-hypnosis nonsense Don was using 35 years earlier to psych himself up for a poontang hunt and adapted it for golf. For a professional chick hound, it was like finally turning a dead husband’s den into a sewing room. It was like tattooing DO NOT RESUSCITATE on your dick and smothering it with a pillow. It was Don Diebel concluding that he would never learn if the Masters of the Universe Horde Slime Pit Playset actually did feel like a real-life blowjob. Diebel was fucking done.

…

No. Not yet. With a dusty cough, Don Diebel’s groin rose from the grave. There had to be one last thing he could try, one last light to cling to. And then Don realized the secret to pussy was right in front of him all along: the majesty of Jesus Christ. Or as he put it in the intro to his next book:

This would sound a bit absurd coming from anyone else, but if Don Diebel is hearing another voice in his bed, it can only be coming from Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, this idea God gave him for a book sucked, and Don’s newfound lord and savior was an even worse editor. They say He’s infallible, but He couldn’t get through the second sentence of the introduction before missing a this typo. Other philosophers have said this before me, but checkmate, all religion.

This book is desperate groveling on a cosmic, spiritual level. It is a whisper in the darkness pleading for someone, anyone to send Don Diebel a butt to touch. It’s a man complaining to the creator of all things for giving women a choice in their sex partners. Let me show you what I’m talking about:

Nothing is a more perfect Bible quote for Don Diebel’s dating life than one about staying strong in the face of rejection and getting help from your hand.

About a quarter of the book is Bible verses loosely related to rejection and loneliness, but the majority of it is things like this, dating advice rewritten in the form of prayer. Don will call up Jesus and say things like, “Please help me make sure my body language is sexually suggestive and that I have an air of self-assured confidence because ladies love that. In your name I pray, Amen.” So in a way, it’s a very sad Don Diebel typing out his prayers. In another way, it’s a very confident pick-up veteran telling Jesus Himself how to score pussy.

You sad bitch. Your body language advice used to be “point at your dick.” Now it’s “pretend you’re holding a guy’s hand?” Don, you are 70 years old, and you’re still trolling nightclubs for ass? You can’t call any of your countless former lovers to see if their self-esteem is still low enough to watch your partial erection flutter? I’m starting to think it was shortsighted to introduce yourself to every woman by offering to lick the pool water off her feet.

As sad as this prayer is, it gets sadder. It’s reprinted one page later in the exact same section, word for word. At this point, Don has given up on Jesus sending him single women and would be fine with Jesus sending him the tools to cope with depression. Don, you’re a septuagenarian sex book author who never learned where commas or penises go. How about you stop nagging Jesus for the impossible and thank Him for inspiring you to fill that puppet’s mouth with anal lubricant?

For decades, this man has destroyed every relationship he’s had by immediately checking if she’s the legendary woman who gives out free sex to everyone brave enough to ask. And here is what it led to: Don Diebel, after authoring ten books on scoring chicks, is begging Jesus for a girl in a prayer that sounds like it was written by a third-year third-grader. Failure isn’t a big enough word, and Hitlerfailure hasn’t been invented yet. Don’t feel sorry for Don, though. This is, without exception, the future every woman he’s met starting in 1980 has warned him about. The tragic story of Don Diebel is only surprising because we’re not used to such obvious, twistless endings.

I’ve learned a lot by reading Don Diebel’s books. I’ve learned that you can’t shove your nuts into the night and call it “meeting women.” Now and always, you have to treat women with respect, and loop your thumbs in your belt so your fingers point at your own dick, creating a subliminal message those confused drunk sluts can’t resist. And if that doesn’t work, Plan B is Jesus.

With this victory, Seanbaby is the new America’s #1 Singles Expert. You can follow him on Twitter and play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Ladies, if you encounter a Don Diebel out there, here’s a link to some pepper spray.

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titheguerrero · 7 years ago

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Welcome to the DOG Patch: first in a series?

Lately my dander is up so often and so copiously, over what's happening in health care and the world at large, I'm exhausted. Covered with nasty dander. Cowering under the sheets. Others seem to share this dysphoria. But I found if not a cure, at least a palliative. There's so much dander I can scrape it off with a great big shovel and toss as much as I can your way. Here's my first Dander Omnium Gatherum, or DOG, from the Cetona DOG Patch. Remember, these stories are all DOGs.

Litmus Test for New HHS Secretary. The new sheriff at Health & Human Services, Alex Azar, has barely had a chance to wipe his feet in front of the now ironically-named Hubert Humphrey Building in DC. And already he's got his big shot at letting us know whether he'll go up against his fellow plutocrats when it comes to the Affordable Care Act. WaPo has a good story on how Azar's fellow rich white guy, multi-million dollar livestock owner and red state governor Butch Otter is considering a truly insidious gem of a way to gut sick folks' access to health care in the Gem State. Allow insurors to sell non-compliant policies, which, if the sheriff doesn't come to town and say no, will allow risk pools to be invidiously divided, driving up sick folks' premiums to untenable levels. What's it going to be, Alex?

Opioid Addiction Industry: the Gift that Keeps On Giving. Hard to be snarky when so many people are dying including my own patients. But I'll try anyway. Actually, this is a slightly more hopeful comment than my recent ones on the depredations inflicted by this industry, especially Purdue Pharma and its founders the Sackler family. Can you guess the cost to society of this crisis? Oh, about a trillion dollars in the past decade and a half. I'd not seen it quantified heretofore, but Altarum has given it a go here. In any case, pressured by who knows who--for sure not us, maybe some inordinately publicity-shy latter-generation Sackler family members--Purdue just announced they'd no longer promote OxyContin to providers. Oh, wait. Could it have anything to do with the fact that doctors are sick of them? Or, even more likely, that earlier this week Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO) released a report on the back-door support this industry's been slipping to advocacy groups. A telling quote: "'The question was: Do we make these people suffer, or do we work with this company that has a terrible name?' said U.S. Pain founder Paul Gileno, explaining why his organization sought the money." Read McCaskill's report here.

The Soul of the Texas GOP. What's it got to do with health policy and HCRenewal? Antivax, folks, antivax. In Houston--not exactly the most rabidly extreme, left or right, among Texas cities--a PAC and Facebook (surprise surprise) offshoot called "Texans for Vaccine Choice" is mounting a challenge to Republican Sarah Davis, re-election candidate for the state legislature. (This is in the heart of Texas medicine: Baylor, M. D. Anderson, etc. Seems an awful lot of ultraconservatives go to Harvard Law then come back to Texas. This challenger edited an in-house law review featuring Ted Cruz and Neil Gorsuch.) Seems Davis committed the mortal sin of opposing a proposal to prevent physicians from vaccinating foster children. I guess this is normalized. In Texas we already knew there's a rift between business moderates and ideologues. And anti-vaccination is rampant nationwide, backed by celebrities. Rugged individualism, and resistance to empathic concern for one's neighbors, has brought us antivax, the gun death epidemic, and so so much more. It's all about choice, folks. Texas GOP seems to be divided on this matter, actually, so again, Watch This Space.

California Probes Aetna Medical Director. Funnily enough, I can easily see how and why this happens. But it don't make it right. The insurance commissioner in the Golden State is investigating Aetna after one of its medical directors (who's now moved on) admitted to CNN that he never looked at any of the patient files he was adjudicating for health care approvals. (Aetna, of course, denies.) How could this happen, you ask? Guy (under direction from non-physician bosses) sits there and judges patients' futures without a glance at their records? If you ever sat on hold for an hour waiting for one of this guy's lieutenants, typically nurses or even lower-rung than that, you wouldn't ask. Then you argue for an hour with the nurse. Sometimes (s)he sees the light and coaches you in how to game the system--which didn't really need to be gamed in the first place--but you end up outraged at the arbitrariness. Then this guy, in the present instance family physician Jay Ken Iinuma MD, pushes out the denial letter to your patient. You appeal. Eventually, if you had your act together in the first place, on behalf of your patient, you win. The inefficiency of it of course is just the point. I appeal. Many don't. Aetna makes out. And our system costs double anyone else's.

Tech Industry: the Impossible Dream. It's fun to tilt at windmills a la Don Quixote. Tech entrepreneurs--I know a lot of them--come up with a lot of great ideas. Most are DOGs. But a few are pretty neat. Here's one just maybe in the latter group. Year before last, in the Research Triangle of North Carolina, some IBMers came up with a patient-centered navigation tool whereby sick folks could look up symptoms and see their options. The company is already defunct. “'The short answer is nobody really used [it],' according to Ateev Mehrotra from Harvard. 'For a variety of reasons, they just forgot about it. This is what I would say in my defense: I still think it’s a good idea.'” But this one's a little bit complicated. Mehrotra, who spends a fair amount of time investigating such tools, had previously authored a BMJ article showing that a whole bunch of these tools, net net, are right about half the time at best. A Kaiser article on the matter noted that "[h]alf the sites had the right diagnosis among their top three results, and 58 percent listed it in their top 20 suggestions." Jury's out on this one. On top of which, the only tech applications, thanks to ACA and HITECH, that've really made it in the health care marketplace are EHRs (see InformaticsMD's many great pieces in this blog) and--actually a little better--patient portals. For now, they may just be crowding everything else out.

When are Ted Cruz and Diane Feinstein on the Same Team? Rarely. But WaPo now reports an instance of "real change to drug pricing being ignored by Congress." The so-called CREATES act is procompetitive in the generic space. It's supported the ultraconservative Freedom Works caucus, AHIP, and AHA. So why not pass it? It got left out of the recent deficit-swelling spendthrift legislation that broke the back of the threatened Can you spell Big Pharma? What's there to be said. The drug lobby and the gun lobby together practically run this country. Is it a democratic country? Do patients, who're also voters, count? Or do lobbyists' contributions to the characters writing the legislation? Oh, wait.... Why do I even pose that as a question?

Postmodernism Yet Again. Dr. Poses, the editor, has written elogquently and often in this blog about the baleful effect of pomo thinking on modern science and medicine, especially in the scientific and medical education spaces. This writer has stayed away from the topic, mostly because they believe the postmodern "turn" since the 1970s has been confined largely to the realms of architecture and the academy. (Lots of the academy.) But the topic is suddenly very much in the news again of late, mainly because of the truthiness--or lack thereof--on the part of so many political actors. A recent NY Times piece by Thomas Edsall, entitled "Is President Trump a Stealth Postmodernist or Just a Liar?", is especially juicy. Edsall has a truly admirable Rolodex of people to whom he can reach out and ask the question embodied in his title. If "truth is not found but made," than who among us can be righter than the next guy--say our president? Some on Edsall's Rolodex made the point that pomo just made it a lot harder to rely glibly on western "grand narratives." That much we can concede, for sure. But the truth (whoops) is: we're left in a state of ambiguity. A decade or so ago historian Charles Rosenberg, in a superb essay based on his book Our Present Complaint, said this of the "inconveniently subjective object, the patient [creating] the characteristic split screen that faces today’s clinician": we're left with "a feeling of paradox, the juxtaposition of a powerful faith in scientific medicine with a widespread discontent at the circumstances in which it is made available. It is a set of attitudes and expectations postmodern as well as quintessentially modern." But maybe the last word should go to New Republic columnist Jeet Heer, who quotes Fredric Jameson in characterizing pomo as the "transformation of the ‘real’ into so many pseudoevents." In other words, the fractionation of our political and cultural understandings of policy and society. As Roger Cohen recently wrote, the fact that politicians and lobbyists have so successfully divided us into warring tribes, where everything and everyone is self-serving and convinced of its own reality, there's the real danger. And many traditional institutions, outside of those still harboring Received Truth, have abdicated their former bridging roles.

Cetona looks forward to hearing your responses to any of these emanations from the DOG Patch. Article source:Health Care Renewal

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