#(there isn't a partner to mostly support us financially while I get it off the ground)

[violetclarity]

I hate job hunting (:

[findafight]

I find Nancy and her relationships so interesting because I feel like the show makes everything way too simply mostly in favor for Nancy. Like the narrative automatically sides with her every time.

In s2, Jonathan shouldn't have encouraged her like that when she wanted to expose the lab. In s1, Jancy was on the same page, Jonathan wanted to find his brother, Nancy, her best friend, so they were working towards the same goal. In s2, Jon didn't have the desire to expose the lab. It's Nancy who is trapped in her guilt that turned into revenge that wanted to do something. Jon had positive experiences with the new lab and realistically wouldn't want to risk putting his mom and brother, who go there weekly, in danger. Especially after witnessing the whole problem, the gate and the vines spreading, he should have put a stop to it. Both didn't know about El being alive. The lab literally was the only thing that stood between the demise of Hawkins. They were the only people searching for a cure. Automatically, Jon should have pushed back bc Nancy wasn't thinking straight bc she was too wrapped up in her shit. Jonathan helping her accept Barb's death in a different way would have been more powerful and helpful bc Nancy still struggles with it after everything. Plus, I'm a believer that the lab would have searched her bag before, knowing she had plans to expose them.

I feel like when Nancy is in a relationship or even with friends, people always have to say yes to her with no pushback. If you push back, she just moves onto someone who will say yes. Robin was her yes man in s4 Jon in s2. In s3, he pushed back the slightest, and you see the conflict that came from it (financial struggles) was never truly resolved from Nancy's part. It carried over to s4 where Jon is afraid to tell her truth that he can't afford to go to college with her. Now, the show treats Jonathan as the villain for this without asking what caused him to lie to Nancy in the first place. It's also because the narrative lets Nancy be right. I think Steve was the only person in s4 who was a bit apprehensive with the plan, and yet this is treated as something bad, or he doesn't know what he is talking about. Or within the fandom people use his different opinion as proof he doesn't get Nancy, and look at Robin who just goes along and understands she's the best suited partner for her.

I feel like Nancy doesn't grow much personally throughout the series because she never gets truly challenged. And if she does, it's resolved in a way to her favor. Like, I think she needs someone who isn't a doormat who challenges her in a way that makes her realize she has to change her behavior in certain situations. I will forever mourn the plot s4 could have gotten if they made Robin into the person who would challenge Nancy. Both girls are smart. If Robin was the driving force in the investigation god, that would already set Nancy off.

oh yeah, the show sort of hands Nancy relationships on a silver platter and we never see her actually put in effort towards them? and this prohibits Nancy from growing more than she could! It doesn't let Nancy be wrong let alone admit she's wrong. We see Mike apologize to Will, and Steve apologize to Dustin, we see Robin and Steve have back and forth and Steve trying to get robin a gf, and we see El and Max spend time together talking and getting to know each other. we see them interacting in a way that we see there is a push and pull.

But we see Nancy and Jonathan fall into bed together, Jonathan supporting Nancy's (ill-advised, even if the show won't admit it because that would mean saying Steve was right) plan to expose the lab. I think your point about Jonathan not having a reason to do that is super interesting because you're right! we know the lab is sketchy as hell, but to Jonathan they're the reason Will went missing, but also the reason they got him back. Will's been getting treatment or tests done there for nearly a year by that point, and while Jon may be distrustful of the Lab, wanting to take away the only official support his family has for what they went through doesn't make sense. What were they expecting to happen to the MASSIVE ALTERNATE DIMENSION GATE if the lab shut down? (why did owens show them lmao. why weren't they searched?) it makes no sense and just reinforces the idea that Steve had a point. I think if they had been able to have the library conversation not in public, then maybe he could have worked something out to help Nancy but alas. They didn't and people just point ot it as Steve dismissing Nancy and pretending everything is fine (when Nancy was also doing that!!)

When Jonathan does resist Nancy's idea (which isn't even UD related she just wanted to prove herself to misogynistic jerks) because financially his family needs him to have a job, and him having a job working in a field he likes and enjoys is a best case for him to get better work out of hawkinis/into uni, and honestly Jon had a sweet gig because he didn't mind the work, it was good job experience, and it would look good on a college application.

While Nancy is right that they shouldn't treat her with mockery, I can't help but think it's...incredibly naive of her? She was an intern. She wasn't going to get anything other than interviewing people for fluff pieces if she got anything other than typing/gofering to begin with. It's frustrating because living in a sexist world you do have to pick your battles. She has no power there, because she's an intern and replaceable and a teenager. It's just not realistic to me that she would think she would get anywhere or get away with trying to follow the rabies rat lead. (which is also...a boring story like oooh rat rabies? in a town where whole fields of pumpkins rotted on the vine? Very much an excuse to inset Jonathan and Nancy into the plot [season 3 is a mess and the best thing from it is robin and scoops troop which tbh makes up for it imo]) Like she could be mad and frustrated and insulted and humiliated, let her rant about that!! about her powerlessness! That's interesting and heartbreaking because there really isn't anything to do but quit then. but idk what she thought she was going into in a male dominated field in her podunk town. Not blaming her just think that writing decision should have been thought through more.

Her fight with Jonathan actually kinda made me think jancy was interesting for a second because yes!! those are real conflicting issues and priorities!! That's relationship conflict that's real and natural for the characters to have! and misunderstanding!! and then Nancy's mom (ew) gives her a speech when it's like bro. you're owed an apology but you also owe Jonathan one if you want to repair and strengthen your relationship. So she never apologizes and jon gives a half-assed apology and then they never have to talk about it again because the UD is here and that's more important!! It's another place where Nancy's development stalled and it's frustrating because it also makes Jonathan more of a doormat (sorry Jon you've been done so dirty)

their s4 conflict is so stupid to me. It goes both ways like damn Nancy if you missed your boyfriend whose family is notoriously broke maybe you should go visit him? or talk to him? It's an issue for both of them (I think it's really weird that people bring up steve's RV dream and wanting Nancy beside him to shit on Stancy but barely bring up the fact that Jonathan [admittedly in a catastrophizing spiral, but one might also think Steve, having been half eaten and going into a situation that could kill him, was also not in his most steady of mind] assumed Nancy would drop everything to be with him in California (after saying she's incredibly ambitious) and they'd have kids etc? idk it's just that both mentioned kids but only Steve mentioned his own experience with taking care of kids, wheras Jon is using that as part of his excuse for lying to her...) Jonathan lying is obviously a problem. He's "slow-mo breaking up with Nancy" and that's an issue he's got, but we only see Nancy stressed about it but also not...really do anything about it? idk we don't get to see her fight for her relationship with a boy she supposedly loves! Why not? Why can't we see Nancy's stubbornness and pride and ambition turned in the direction of saving her relationship with Jonathan? Instead of him just coming back to Hawkins and them still being a bit awkward around each other, him lying, her having been flirting with Steve for a week. Like. Why didn't we see her pull him aside and go "okay I love you. We're obviously having issues and it's absolutely not the best time but I can't take not talking to you and feeling like we're drifting!"

With the whole plan at the end of s4...yeah. The narrative/show can't let Nancy be wrong and/or Steve be right. It also needed a plan that would fail. So we get Steve pushing against the plan, treated like he's being irrational for it, and then it failing. As for Nancy needing to be challenged...I mean yeah? but also I think a key part of what she wants from romo relationships is to not be challenged! She doesn't like when her boyfriends push back against her ideas/plans, and ignores them anyways. Which is why it's so frustrating that there have been opportunities for the writers to let Nancy be wrong and learn and grow and they just...don't. They validate her decisions even if they make no sense.

And the thing is...Robin is Thee driving force in their investigation. she gets it right again and again and is the reason the connection to music is even made, But for some reason I feel like the show treats it as another Nancy Investigation Success instead of Nancy being the one that was just kinda there and also a bit mean to robin for no reason other than jealousy. The opportunity for Robin to be a challenge to Nancy's authority was there! It was there and all they would've had to do was have Robin not suck up to Nancy, have the show/narrative acknowledge it was Robin who was the reason the got any information beyond the name Victor Creel, and have Nancy realize that she isn't infallible and right all the time. It would have been so good to see her take stock and reconsider herself and her decisions and her relationships and want to make a friendship with Robin, who wouldn't be co-operative.

[passerkirbius]

Rusty Quill Saga - 24 Hour Follow Up

Hi everyone! I appreciate all the new follows! Might actually get me posting more about stuff!

So, it's been about a day since I posted my response to the Rusty Quill article, and reading some of the tag comments I wanted to respond to a couple, again in the interests of helping those who aren't within the audio fiction community get a little context that you might not otherwise have had.

But I also wanted to put my cards on the table - why should you listen to me? Hi! My name is Lee Davis-Thalbourne, I'm Australian, and I'm one half of the Fiction Podcast Production team Passer Vulpes Productions. We're the creators of a number of fiction podcasts, including Love and Luck and Supernatural Sexuality with Dr. Seabrooke. I also have a reasonable resume of small VA roles with a lot of different podcast production teams, I have a history of theorycrafting around podcast production, and I'm currently engaged in some part-time independent research around fiction podcast production that, if people are interested, I might actually get around to finishing one day. Myself and my partner Erin were the founders of AusFicPodMakers, which was/is an informal group supporting audio fiction producers in Australia, and as part of that support, I currently curate a list of Australian Fiction Podcasts (which I encourage you to take a look at!). In terms of affiliations, PVP is not associated with any podcasting network (though a few have knocked on our door), and I'm not currently producing audio fiction right now - I have no projects on the boil, so to speak.

So, I think I can say, with some evidence, that I'm a part of the audio fiction production scene, that I care about audio fiction in general, that I might have some thoughts worth listening to about it, and that I'm a mostly disinterested party regarding this - I have no particular stake in Rusty Quill's fortunes one way or the other.

Tag Responses

Okay, so I wanted to quickly respond to a few of the tag comments that have popped up in response to yesterday's post, mainly because I feel like it's worth expanding on some of them:

#i also feel bad because i was always kinda wary on tma2#now it feels even more like a cash grab

Look - as a podcast producer, I can respect a cash grab. If you can grab that cash, I'm a strong believer in doing so, because making audio fiction without cash is kinda sucky. It's like any other big endeavour - when you get nothing out of it, it eats away at you. That's part of the reason why PVP isn't producing at the moment - We tried to scale up to multiple productions and it damn near killed us. We weren't really getting the income we needed to do more than just barely break even - we, as producers, weren't making a dime off of our podcasts, even with Patreon and crowdfunding. Rusty Quill is actually an extreme outlier regarding their ability to get cash from their audiences. How extreme? Well, before the TMA2 kickstarter, the most successful Audio Fiction crowdfunding campaign was Unseen, from the producers of Wolf 359, one of the seminal audio fiction shows of the modern audio fiction renaissance, and it hit a little over US$40,000. Which, just to note, was significantly higher than any other audio fiction crowdfund project before it - very few audio fiction crowdfund campaigns get more than around US$5,000-10,000.

So, sure, it's a cash grab. It might still be good anyway though! Don't disregard it just because they're making financially-dominated decisions.

#Adding onto this while the evidence isn't conclusive (because as many people have said it is conjecture and opinions and stuff)#and also the author's credibility is...in question

So, first things first, Newt Schottelkotte is an extremely credible journalist in the Audio Fiction space - they've broken a number of big stories, and written a lot in support of the audio fiction production scene. Wil Williams, who helped edit the piece, is also a highly respected critic and journalist within the space, while Tal Minear is a very prolific audio fiction producer of good repute. Personally, I have absolutely no concerns about their integrity or credibility - they've all done incredible work.

But it is worth noting that Audio fiction is kinda odd, in that journalists, critics and producers all pretty much come from the same group of people. The honest fact is that Audio Fiction, as a beat, has pretty much no prestige, there are (currently) no publications that are dedicated to audio fiction coverage, and the whole sector is mostly considered an afterthought to the real podcast industry. So, the few people who do create audio fiction meta-content, even if they begin as separated from the industry, don't stay separated for long - they will start making contacts with producers, they may start finding people offering cameo roles in shows, and eventually, they'll consider moving into podcast production. If your requirement for a "credible" voice within audio fiction journalism is one that has absolutely no connections with any actual production, I'm sorry but that ain't happening - the scene is too small, and people move between production and commentary so often, that "true independence" isn't a thing.

With that said, these journalists do a lot to make their affiliations visible up front, which is the other way to manage conflicts of interest within the scene - by declaring them. I'd be a lot more suspicious of a journalist that doesn't put their affiliations up front, honestly.

The Rusty Quill Response

So, I wrote yesterday that I wasn't expecting a response from Rusty Quill for a good three days - they are a group, it takes time to coordinate a response, I figured I could relax for a bit. However, Rusty Quill has already produced a response, and that alone says something - it says that a single person has dictated this response. Considering the record speed, I also doubt that it has been looked over by anyone else. Knowing these things, I find it very likely that this is Alex Newall's response specifically, speaking for Rusty Quill, rather than one that that the leadership at Rusty Quill has worked on together.

I'm not going to go through the whole thing point by point - I don't have the time, and this post is already too long for most Tumblrites to consider going through it. But on a more general level, I find it interesting that the response contains not a single link, not a single pointer towards contrary evidence. Almost certainly this is due to the timeframe - were I in RQ's position, I would be going through our paperwork to find some boilerplate contracts to provide some counter-evidence to the article, or providing some financial details to show where the money is going, but finding, redacting, and publishing these things takes time. RQ has done none of this, and this isn't necessarily a point against them, but it does mean that Rusty Quill hasn't done much more than shout "Am not!" into the audience.

To talk about one specific point, I also find it interesting that, having been attacked on the subject of crew pay rates, they talk about how their cast have very good pay rates. This might be true, I don't have the resources to fact check that, and I hope it is - actors do deserve pay. But it is worth noting that actors are on a production for very little of the time - it's the editors, sound designers, musicians, transcribers, etc who put the most time on to a production. In general, you'd expect that the crew would be getting more money than the cast, because the crew is going to be putting in more time (although, fair's fair, the vast majority of audio fiction out there doesn't do this, because the only "crew" is the producer, who is usually financing the production out of their own pocket).

Questions?

So, I figure that if I'm putting myself out there, I might as well offer the opportunity for people to pick my brain. Have a question about Audio fiction production? Want to hear my explicit comments about something someone has said? My asks are open, I'll do my best to come back and answer any asks that come my way.

[the-ace-with-spades]

Unhinged fic idea incoming...

An AU where Buck is the one looking for a sperm donor.

Buck is trans in this AU fyi and there's trans pregnancy and related stuff involved

He's obviously in love with Eddie, had been for a long time, and for a little bit after he and Taylor broke up, he hoped.

But then nothing happens. Because nothing ever happens between them, no matter how many nights he stays over, how many dinners he cooks, how many times they go out, how many times they spend the evening like a family -- they're not. Chris is not his son, Eddie is not his partner, and there's nothing happening.

And Buck, at that point, is tired of hoping for and waiting to have his own family.

This is when Connor shows up -- Buck was stealth back when they lived together so he explains, that sorry, dude, no dick or anything like that here, so can't give you sperm.

But Connor gives him an idea.

At first he thinks it's crazy and pushes the thought back because it seems to be more of a fantasy than anything - Buck having his own child without another person involved.

But then, well, why not? There are single mothers that decide to keep a baby from accidental pregnancies all over the world and Eddie is a single dad himself -- if he can do it, why couldn't Buck? He's got a stable job, financially he's okay, he hasn't had any health issues in a while, he wants to be a dad more than anything, and he wants a family more than anything, even if just a small one.

So he sets a plan in motion, talks to his doctor, goes off both HRT and birth control and starts looking for someone willing to donate sperm to him or sleep with him.

He's got a few candidates lined up - past friends, mostly, because he wants someone he knows and can trust with such a delicate process, someone who won't take advantage of the situation - and when his period finally comes back after two months off testosterone, he starts calling up.

He's got one guy he used to date in the fire academy who has agreed to try and get him pregnant. They meet up, they talk about what they're more comfortable with - Buck was going to go with the good old cup and syringe method insemination, but Gabe says they could have some fun while at it.

It's going alright - they meet up for sex two-three times a week, there's absolutely zero feeling to it, and after two months of trying, nothing happens.

And then the crew finds out.

There's lots of opinions and questions why ('I'm tired of waiting to have my own family') and why couldn't he just wait until he finds someone ('I want a baby, not a partner, and I'm not getting younger and the timing is right'). Eventually, he explains everything and tells them the plan and all the preparations he's done -- medical, financial, housing, etc. and everyone realizes this isn't something he's doing on a whim and agrees to support him.

Everyone except Eddie.

Who seems to be incredibly offended that Buck 1) didn't tell him about the plan, 2) didn't ask him to be the baby daddy donor and instead asked some other random guy.

Buck, because he's oblivious, thinks Eddie's weird behaviour is only due to the first reason and gets defensive that he doesn't have to tell Eddie about all his life choices any time Eddie brings up the topic.

Cue month three of trying to get pregnant and Buck tells Gabe hey, I actually would prefer to switch to the cup and syringe method. And the dude blows up about how he's only doing it for the sex and he's infertile anyway so whatever Buckley.

Obviously, that's upsetting because he's just wasted three months but also because he trusted Gabe and it turned out like this - so how is he supposed to trust any other guys on the candidate list?

Everyone on the team is sympathetic - Athena offers to get that guy for extraction of sex under false pretense - but Buck just kinda feels like giving up. Hen mentions he can just use a clinic's donor, doesn't have to be doing IVF for that, just get a donor catalog and go for the specimen to the clinic or have it delivered to his house and do the syringe method anyway. It's going to cost some money but still cheaper than IVF.

Eddie still hates the idea.

And Buck gets one catalog and brings it to the station so he can talk to Hen about it (since she and Karen had gone through the process before) and Eddie is really snarky the whole day about it, with little comments here or there.

At some point, Buck just can't take it and tells him, 'If you think I'll make such a bad parent why don't you just tell me to my face, loud and clear.'

Obviously, Eddie tones down immediately. Explains that hey, this isn't what I meant, I just don't like the idea of you having a kid with a stranger you know nothing about.

They have a whole discussion when Buck confesses he doesn't like it either but he's desperate and please don't make me question it even more, I just want a baby at whatever cost.

So Eddie takes the opportunity and says, 'I'll be your sperm donor.'

Buck knows it's a bad idea but it's also the best he can get from Eddie - maybe he won't love him and maybe they won't be a family in a little unit of four, but he'll have a baby that's a little bit like him.

Because he has the rest of his self-preservation and doesn't want his heart to break any more, he insists on doing it with the cup and syringe method.

Which backfires spectacularly since he's literally sitting outside Eddie's bedroom while he comes into a cup and when it's his turn to lie down on the same bed and do the insemination, Eddie is like, I could help you with that, probably easier if someone else does it for you. What was supposed to be a simple procedure of draw the sperm into a syringe, inject the syringe's contents up your vagina has just changed into something very intimate.

They try for three months like that and once again, Buck is starting to think there's something wrong with him because he's not getting pregnant. And like, he cries about that a little bit even though he knows it takes six months on average to get pregnant and Eddie offers, you guessed it, let's try it the standard way because maybe that will help (knowing fully well it only busts the chances of getting pregnant by like five percent tops). Buck is desperate, so things happen.

They start having sex.

And Eddie gets, like, really obsessed with it too, just so Buck finally gets pregnant and stops feeling like it's his fault it's not happening faster. He is also tracking Buck's cycles, too, now, and plans for them to have sex on all his predicted fertile days. When one of those days falls when they're on duty, they have sex in the back of the (parked inside the station) truck.

The universe apparently thinks it's funny because that's the lucky time...

Buck is pregnant and so happy he doesn't realize Eddie is mentally freaking out because 1) that means they'll stop having sex and more importantly 2) Buck is having his baby and he's expected to let him parent them alone and never say a thing, just observe from the sidelines as a friend (which ironically is how Buck's felt about Eddie and Chris...)

It quickly proves to be impossible - Buck's got his first ultrasound scheduled and Eddie is like, 'I'm going with you' because he can't imagine not being there for Buck in such an important moment and not seeing the baby for the first time with him.

Which sets off an argument because Eddie was supposed to be a donor not dad and Eddie finally loses his cool and yells, 'I can't.'

Buck is definitely not getting it and is upset because Eddie still doesn't love him but he's already gotten attached to the baby that was meant to be his only in DNA. It's irrational but he feels like Eddie's going to take even this from him, the baby that was supposed to be the small part of Eddie and his dream family he could have.

And Eddie feels guilty because he promised he'll just be a donor but it turns out he can't, he feels like he tricked Buck into this situation. He can't quite literally make this worse so why not just come clean, right? Tell Buck he's sorry and he's in love with him and he really did offer to be a donor thinking he could be just a donor but he can't let go.

Obviously they get together before the first ultrasound.

The only problem now is no one at the station knows that Eddie is the baby daddy, and not some anonymous donor from a catalog.

Chaos ensures

[i-need-some-advice-on]

Relationship advice?

CW mentions of abuse, SA, eating disorders, illness, disasters

My partner (26m) and I (23nb) have been living together for nearly 3 years. We both have rough pasts, he grew up with abuse, survived a disaster in childhood, moved to this country as a refugee, and struggles with PTSD. He's also struggled with chronic illness since not long after we moved in together. I grew up with abuse, including CSA and animal hoarding, and experienced several instances of SA as a teenager. I also struggle with PTSD, in addition to autism (dx'd in childhood) and chronic illnesses that started when I was a teenager. I use a mobility aid when I'm outside. We are both estranged from our parents, and both moved here as kids so our extended families are overseas. Because it might be relevant, he's Black, I'm white-passing mixed (non-Black).

Since he got sick and hasn't been able to work, I've been financially supporting him on my Disability payment. It's been over 2 years. He has applied for benefits, but he's been denied, and I guess there's not much he can do about that. This isn't really a problem, but it makes the problems more frustrating since I'm making a lot of sacrifices for him. He has had issues with pretty toxic behaviour, like yelling at me, calling me names like "retard", "pathetic", being hypercritical but getting mad at criticism, bringing up my trauma in arguments and downplaying it, downplaying my dx'd health issues, etc.

He has acknowledged that his behaviour in the past was toxic, but he doesn't really take constructive criticism and it feels like he doesn't really think there's anything wrong with his behaviour. I woke up to him the other week yelling things like "go starve yourself and die you fat whore, get bulimia cunt, etc." at the neighbours working in the office upstairs through the ceiling, because he believes they are stomping deliberately because they are racist and ableist and trying to provoke him (possibly true! still a weird reaction), and when I told him that I didn't like waking up to misogynistic shouting, he got mad at me, said he has PTSD and I don't know what it's like, called me thin-skinned, and generally dismissed my concerns. He's aware of my history of eating disorders.

He did say sorry during the day, but in the evening I still wanted to address it. I started by talking about how he's got some big emotions and they seem hard to manage, and he got upset, saying he doesn't have anger issues, he's justified in his anger, etc. I got upset and called him a narcissist, and later a dickhead. I also brought up his past behaviour. He said I have a victim complex, he's the one being victimised, I have "twitter brain" (I deleted twitter over a year ago at his request), that I always bring up the past to make him look bad, I have the same attitude as people who people who complain about protests being disruptive and ask "but do you condemn hamas?", he's objectively more traumatised than me, and I'm only upset by his anger because of my implicit biases. It didn't happen this time, but in the past he's knocked a chunk of plaster out of the ceiling and made his knuckles bleed from banging on the ceiling in response to the noise from upstairs.

Since then he's mostly stuck to playing music at full blast on multiple devices and deliberately setting off the fire alarm to annoy them in "protest", while I wear earplugs, and I guess that's a compromise. He has sort of acknowledged that he was wrong but still feels justified overall. I don't really know what to think. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion, maybe I should be more concerned, maybe it's all because of his health and trauma and I should let it slide, maybe there's something I can do to help him, maybe there's nothing I can do. He is sweet most of the time, I love him, but living with him can be so stressful and I don't know how to get him to understand that.

I'm planning on moving home to be closer to family, and he's planning to move after he sorts out his visa. It's also a better country to live in geopolitically and in terms of quality of life than where we live now. I've been hoping to help him get there before addressing all this, since we'll be in a more stable position overall and have more resources, but there's still months before I'll be able to move. What should I do?

.

[sofiadragon]

In order of weirdness for me as a certified American:

7. Ranch isn't... it isn't unlike tzatziki, but it is different. Creamy sauce/dressing but spiced different. I dislike both because I dislike most dairy, so I asked my partner. Ranch is more intense with sour cream as a base, very in your face, while tzatziki is much more mellow with greek yogurt as a base.

4. A garbage disposal is a machine that grinds up food scraps into a slurry to flush down the drain. No house with a septic system should have this, so my rural born self didn't see one until we got a house in town. In areas where they are legal (century old pipes in your town? Water shortage? Probably illegal to have) the waste treatment plants are likely to make fertilizer out of the, uh, "processed solids." Yeah, that sounds polite. So the pureed food scraps help with that. The city I live in now sends out info about the water services once a year reminding people not to put cooking oil, feminine products, or baby whipes down the drain because that disrupts the compost and causes clogs. You can do stupid stuff and clog the sink mostly by trying to put things in while it is off, but the main thing that will annoy your housemates is not cleaning it. Some citrus peel does the job, like from a squeezed lime or grapefruit, but if you don't do it it stinks so bad.

5. The red solo cup thing is a meme. It's a very cheap plastic cup sold in bulk so the solo cup brand just was what half of the house parties used when I was a kid in the 90's. We had paper cups, also, and solo cups come in every color of the rainbow. Red was just popular, so stores that only carried one color of the bulk packs carried red.

8. Lean staffing made this so uncommon, but there used to be one in most grocers when I was a kid. It would be some 15 year old or special needs adult bagging groceries for one lane (usually the one on the far side of the 10 items or less or the one close to the pharmacy if the store had one attached) and it's for mothers with small kids, the elderly, and so on. The USA might suck for supporting the disabled financially, but we have all the ramps and paying customer accommodation you can shake a stick at. Able bodied people in a rush were expected to tip this person a very small amount, usually the change from the bill. This person's other job was collecting carts, but that was 15 minutes out of every 2 hours or so. These days stores have so few employees that this is a luxury thing; the person collecting carts is likely stocking shelves, uloading trucks, or even working the deli or bakery counter. We don't often have a second person who bags groceries outside of luxury places like "Whole Paycheck Foods" stores anymore.

6. Cheerleaders are like gymnastics or dance, and I don't get it. I took dance classes for 13 years. I was in the color guard of my high school band. It seems like just a way to hold the attention of people who don't like football who are attending the game for some social reason.

2. This is just beating traffic. You get to the venue of a big event early and have snacks in the car while you wait. This evolved to bringing a big cooler and a portable grill and making a whole day of it. Everyone there has a shared interest (the game, concert, or whatever that is filling a stadium with 50,000 people,) public transit is an afterthought and 30,000 cars have to be parked, so why not just hang out in the parking lot having a pre-game party?

3. Sororities and Fraternities are just dorm rooms that are also social clubs. Makes perfect sense to me, and they tend to have stricter standards than the university or college. GPA and conduct requirements keep the crazy under a limit, supposedly, though this obviously has some issues with hazing and not every one keeps to their charter.

1. Summer camp is the American self-sufficient individualism at work. Kids at an age that people think they need to break off the last of that separation anxiety get to spend spend several days without their parents. Most I've heard of have the kids go home on the weekends, keeping the kids for 4 or 5 nights max per week. It's expensive, but can be a lot of fun for the kids. Many have religious ties, so you send your kid to a Jewish or Protistant or Catholic camp and part of how they put their activities together is at least tangentially related to those values if not explicitly about that religion.

[runaway-wife-syndrome]

Chapter 1

I hear him ignoring our toddler. I'm in the bathtub, where I go to escape every night at 5pm. It's the routine.

Today, we got into an argument over text. That used to be a daily occurrence, but it's rare now. I've given up on expressing my feelings. I've taken to only caring about myself.

February. I finish this coding boot camp in February and I'll be able to be financially dependent and get him out of here.

He slapped me in the face last weekend, after we had a house party with some friends. He says it's because he got too drunk. He's done it sober too. Regardless, there is no excuse.

At this point, I don't bring up how I feel mostly out of fear. It always escalates to that point now- to the point of physical abuse. I don't want my daughter to see it, that is my first and utmost priority. I also fear for my life. I have to come up for a plan for when I do finally kick him out. Do I have the cops here? Do I buy locks for all the windows? Do I change all the door knobs? Do I get a restraining order? I probably should.

I am busting my ass to finish these assignments. They want two a week...I'm pushing for four at a minimum. He's already told me he doesn't think I should get a job after I finish. I am hoping I find something that allows me to work remotely.

He's got music playing. The toddler is sick, I have had the humidifier going in there all day. All he has to do is watch her while I waste away in the bathtub. You'd think he would be able to tell, he'd be able to see how far gone I am, how close I am to losing it. I said to him today, over text, you're just not listening.

Anything I say, he just immediately gets defensive. It goes back to "Well remember ten years ago when you did that thing that hurt MY feelings? And I'm suddenly not allowed to hurt yours?" He can't just say sorry. He can't take accountability, he won't admit, "Yeah you're right, that was a fucked up thing of me to do," or "I haven't been the best partner lately."

I have been forcing myself to keep up with self-care and motherhood as a form of escapism. Skin care, nails, diet, excersise. I'm obese, but down 8 pounds since I've given up on fighting for this relationship. That was only a week ago. When he slapped me. For the last fucking time.

Amazing what happens when you cut off the dead weight in your life.

"Why haven't you left already?"

Well, because it simply isn't that easy. Financially, he's it. I'm a stay at home mom, he works. Luckily I signed up for this program in August and I'll be able to support myself once I graduate in February. That's only three months from now. That gives me time to formulate my escape route. The house is mine, it's family owned. Getting him out is the issue. I also genuinely do fear the anger I will face once I can really, truly get him out of here.

Oh yes, I've tried. I've kicked him out countless times. He won't leave. We had a motorhome, he wouldn't even go sleep in that even to give us both a break from the constant tension. I got rid of the motorhome recently, so I'm sort of out of luck there. Not that he'd stay in it anyway.

My plan for now is to just continue as I am. Walking on not only eggshells, but shards of glass until I'm able to support myself. The littlest things set this man off. I just stay silent. I keep the house clean, do my homework, do the laundry, do the childcare, do my job at her preschool as a classroom helper. I am so utterly exhausted. There is not much more that I can take.

I said to him today, "Will you ever do what I've been begging you for for eleven years? Why am I letting myself endure this?" And he had nothing to say. It's all my fault in his eyes. Not the fact that he's pushed me to this point.

At night, I fall asleep fantasizing that I'm sleeping by myself. In my own house, in my own bed. No man beside me. I never want to be in a relationship again.

I also fantasize that I live in a gated community, with security cameras and a safe room. I fantasize that I am safe from him. That I don't have to live in fear anymore. Someday, I won't have to jump out of my skin when he slams a door open or closed. Or worry about what damage he's doing to my belongings when he's throwing them across the house.

From the bathtub, I hear him clanking around dishes in the kitchen. I am not naive enough to believe he is cleaning. No, he's making himself some food because I finally stopped catering for him. He will leave me the dishes to do once I get out of here.

I tried not doing the dishes once. Let them pile up until there were none left in the house. He didn't touch them. He started washing one dish at a time. A single bowl and spoon if he wanted cereal- that was it.

I decided my child deserves a clean house more than I deserve a partner who helps out, so I surrendered that battle.

But I will win the war.

I am certain a fight is coming once I get out of the tub. After the text argument we had today, it's imminent. I just want to get out, clean the kitchen, and go to bed. The smell of ground beef wafts into the bathroom. Yep, he made some food. I'll be doing dishes.

I've been dealing with a sick toddler all day. She didn't sleep last night, she's been grumpy and had several tantrums today, but I still managed to get two assignments done. I didn't get much cleaning done. I was hoping the house wouldn't be completely trashed after my bath but as usual that was wishful thinking.

He wasn't always like this. Or maybe he was, but he hid it shockingly well. He was physically abusive to me when we were teenagers, but I guess I thought he'd just grow out of that. I should've left as soon as I started seeing signs, but I didn't.

The only positive thing I've gotten out of this relationship is my daughter.

The positives he's gotten? A house with no rent, a job, a beautiful child, a live in maid, free laundry service, free childcare, you name it he's got it. I take care of his budgeting, his bills, his grocery shopping. That man doesn't have to do anything other than go to work. He has one chore: take the garbage cans to the curb on Friday mornings. Half the time, he "forgets" to do that so I end up doing that too. Oh, and close the gate when he leaves for work. He doesn't do that either. Then I get in trouble by my grandma, who owns this house and lives across the street from us and gets really agitated when the gate is left open.

I wrote his resume for this job after he got fired from his last one, which I also got for him. I coached him for his interview. I filled out and certified his benefits for unemployment when he was fired. I applied for each job he interviewed for. I did his cover letters, answered follow up emails, et cetera. I truly do not know where he'd be without me. He'd honestly probably just have found someone as gullible as I was to do it all for him as well.

He calls in sick often too. Then my day gets ruined, because I don't want him here. The house ends up a complete disaster, I have to be silent, I can't even exist. This is also the reason he was fired from his previous job, and I'd like to prevent that from happening again. So, we fight every time he calls in.

He's a grown ass adult with a family. You'd think by now he'd have some semblance of responsibility. But I think he just sees us as a burden.

I get out of the bathtub finally. The toddler is off to bed, after a kiss and a dose of Tylenol. The TV is paused on whatever video game he was playing while he wasn't paying attention to our child, and the kitchen is a disaster as I predicted.

I wonder if he'll realize what he's losing when I am gone. Or if it'll be like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. I turn on my computer. I fill a bowl with ice cream, and top it off with blackberries. I am not doing the dishes tonight. Tonight, I am not cleaning his mess. I can pretend I am my own person, just for one night. For one night, the kitchen can stay a mess.

I do this, every so often. I tell people I get up at five sometimes so that I can have coffee early, or exercise before the toddler wakes up, which is sometimes true. But mostly it's to do the dishes I left from the night before. To clean up whatever mess he left me. So that my child can wake up to a clean house, with breakfast ready. That is, if he doesn't call in sick.

The door slams open. God, here he comes. The fight is coming, I'm doomed. Please just leave me alone. Play your video games and ignore me. Sit outside and smoke weed and ignore me. Please. I can't hear another "shut up bitch" or "fuck you". The images of him flipping me off with hatred in his eyes are burned into my mind. I can't believe how much I loved this man. Still would, if he wasn't like this.

I don't think I love him anymore, because I don't cry. I used to. For days. Until my eyes were so swollen I couldn't see. Now, I try to and I can't. I'll shed a few tears, maybe. I know my feelings are hurt. I know that I have been a sobbing mess on the floor over this same old shit, 100 times before. But I guess you can only cry over the same exact hurt so many times, before your brain decides to stop allowing you to feel it so intensely. He definitely doesn't cry.

His video game unpauses. I guess he isn't coming after me yet. Or he's giving me the silent treatment, which used to pierce me to my core. He knows that, that's why he does it. Now it's just a relief. I guess he hasn't caught on to that yet. Once I stop caring about things, he finds other ways to hurt me. I've never stopped caring like this, though. I've never been so apathetic. I truly do not care what this man does anymore. Good luck hurting me now. Oh, you're giving me the silent treatment? Oh gosh, I'm simply devastated. Now I'll have to sit in my bedroom with my cats, eating ice cream and playing my own video games, free from your abuse. Poor me! I'll act extra sad, he'll be ecstatic.

If someone shows you who they are early on in a relationship, believe them. If you take nothing else from this, just remember those words. I can't say I regret all of it because without it I wouldn't have my child, but I wish I'd had her with someone who gave a single shit about me. Believe red flags. Be picky. Don't settle. You'll probably get slut shamed, but at least you won't be getting hit or be called a bitch every time you say "Hey, you hurt my feelings." At least you won't be trapped with no escape.

That's another one. If you're a stay at home parent, have a getaway plan. I have tried, and nothing has worked. I tried telling my mom, once. I sent her photos of the bruises. She said, "all men are like that after they have babies." I never spoke to her about it again. This was also all happening prior to babies, but she was correct that abuse tends to worsen after children. She was incredibly off the mark with her comment, and I now know where I stand as a person in her eyes. She would never take me or my daughter in.

My dad is a drunk living in a motorhome, you do the math for that one. He also loves my boyfriend. Most people do. He's very good at being fake around others. Puts on a great show.

Other family? Not a chance.

I have one best friend who said she would help me if she could, but she's in a studio apartment with her boyfriend. No room for me plus a kid.

Long story short, I'm trapped. Don't let yourself get there. Don't be like me. If you can get out, do it.

The door slams open again. I jump. It doesn't phase him. He isn't even the least bit concerned that his presence terrifies me.

He's going to bed, he says. That means I can either get out of the room or go to bed too. I live on his time. I decide to go ahead and go to sleep, since I'm getting up early tomorrow. I get up to make sure all the cats are inside, and make sure all the doors are locked. All things he could've done if he had wanted to. I glance at the dishes. Still piled up next to the sink.

I go to sleep.

[faulty-writes]

What would Shoto, Tenya, and Mirio do if the reader was trying to break up with them because of the belief that she isn't good enough for them? Shoto is a Todoroki and comes from a rich family, Tenya does too and has a heroic legacy, and Mirio is the top student at U.A. and is the closest to becoming number one even amongst the pros. Compared to all that, the reader feels like nothing next to them, a tiny pebble next to a big, brilliant diamond. Ever since reader started thinking about that, it's almost impossible to be happy with them anymore with the feeling that she's taking him away from someone that actually deserves them. Of course, the boy doesn't want to break up, especially over something like that, and will fight that decision from the reader to the very end, refusing to accept it. But how would each one try to get through to the reader that they're supposed to be together?

Starting off this list is our favorite Todoroki baby, Shouto. Given how blunt and straightforward he is, I think he’d tell his significant other that he doesn’t see his lineage or financial status as important. After all, this is the boy that was the son of the number two hero in Japan and yet he decided to defy the odds and claim he doesn’t want to be the type of hero his father is. In that same sense, we could argue that he doesn’t want to be the same type of partner his father is either. He would never emotionally abuse or physically hurt his partner in any way. No, he wants to cherish them. Prove to them how much they mean to them and give of himself even if he has very little idea on how to do that. But he does know that his special someone means something to him. While he knows logically he can live without them the need to want them in his future is apparent. I picture him confessing all this to his significant other and try to convince them that if one were to strip him of everything he was born with, including his name and lineage. He’s just a human being and one who finds his home in his significant other. He’d use his words rather than actions as his words are the strongest aspect of his character, proving his words through his actions is something he’s still learning to do. 

Then here comes our engine boy, my personal favorite baby apart from Fuyumi. Similar to Shouto, Tenya mostly speaks through his words but he’s also very self-disciplined in the fact he will prove himself through his actions. Just as his desire to be a hero, being a good and supportive partner will be something he takes as a challenge. I think he’d ask them why they feel the way they do and if there was anything he did to cause it, if there is any way he can convince them to change their mind or paranoid thoughts. He’d tell them that they are being silly and that he doesn’t care where one comes from, be them rich or poor. It’s one’s sense of character and heart that wins Tenya over. I picture him going over the top, doing things like declaring his love for them in public and speaking so boldly about them in front of his family especially if the reader is afraid that all his family sees is dollar signs. No, he’ll bring his love to the Iida Estate and proudly introduce them and speak his affection for them in front of his parents and brother. Then he would state that he does not care if they favor the one he loves as he would never be convinced to leave them. Effectively Tenya would put their fears to rest all at once. 

Back to our sunshine boy who's almost always involved in these asks. Haha. Let’s see...honestly, while Mirio is very honest. He’d not very good at being stern if you aren’t a villain and he’s been proven to be a tad emotional and guilt can weigh him down like nobody’s business. So I can imagine him getting downright sad when they say they want to break up with him because in his eyes they are his whole world, nothing would ever shake his feelings for them. He’d never fall out of love and even if he did, they would be forever in his heart. He would never forget them. He’d get mopey and begin to question if he’s the one that did something wrong, he’d go to his friends Tamaki and Nejire to ask for their opinion but in the end. This is a problem he wants to solve on his own, more than anything he’s determined to save people and that especially includes the people he loves. So he’d set out to do whatever he could to prove he won’t allow them to leave. He’d go as far as to wait for them in their dorm room, shower them with gifts and love letters and try his damn best to convince them he’d even give up being a hero if they told him to. Show how much more important they are to him than his dreams because they are the biggest dream he has. 

[a-woman-apart]

Watch "I'M BACK! WHY I LEFT YOUTUBE FOR TWO YEARS!" on YouTube

This scared me so badly, because this is EXACTLY what happened in my life, except it was all in The Reverse.

I graduated with an Associate Degree in Music Performance in 2018, but instead of running TOWARDS my dream/calling I ran hardcore AWAY from it. My pride in graduating only lasted a month before I declared myself Utterly Unmarketable and sought to go after a "real degree" and get a Big Girl career.

Between 2018 and 2020 I had major life changes.

My dad died of stomach cancer

I broke up with my neglectful boyfriend

I turned down a Full Ride to a major college

I hospitalized myself for Suicidal Ideation (Sept 2019)

I quit my job of 5 years

I started working for my best friend and became her Office Manager

I started dating the Love of my Life

I lost my friend group and peer support

I lost my mind and left college due to COVID-19 (but not before making one of my best decisions in taking a Screenwriting class because I WANTED not NEEDED it)

Started distancing myself from the toxic women in my life and definining Womanhood/Adulthood for myself

Visited my brother's grave after over a decade of waiting and got closure

Fully acknowledged my childhood trauma/abuse

Rediscovered my sexuality

Was disowned by who I erroneously thought was a close friend of 17 years over my political views

Joined and exited Unity2020

Turned in my car for repossession

Spent a week in the hospital after having a severe, paranoid psychotic break, but came out completely free of the vice of self-consciousness I was living under

You know what is nuts? I feel in many ways, I have completely reverted to who I was in the summer of 2011. I was off my meds, and it WAS mania, but personality-wise, the tempestuous, gum-chewing, cigarette-puffing, flirtatious, humorous, free-spirited ball of fire that drove all the way to Colorado on a whim wasn't rebellious, SHE WAS ME.

I just wasn't Me around the right people, and it wasn't the Right Time.

My inner Sagittarius moon would remain in a dormant state for almost a full decade. I would spend the next 9 years heavily sedated, sleepwalking through life, only alive at The Sound of Music.

It was Torture to feel so much but be afraid to express myself. I had to Hide while doing a major that demanded that I Command Attention. I am by nature "dramatic", "theatrical", "emotional", "expressive" but that part of me was so suppresed that I was frequently told I sang with excellence but without emotion.

Aside: During my 2011 manic episode, I spoke a lot about Doppelgangers. Without going into excessive detail, this is a German word that means "Double" and it is considered bad luck to encounter yours.

In the past 2 weeks, I have encountered people that look/sound like me (Josephine is Nigerian-Canadian and I am Nigerian-American and I kept thinking about her work even though I initially disagreed with her lot) and a woman with my name (different spelling) who was NOTHING like me and I also think might've had malice in mind for me.

I was DEFINITELY an agnostic atheist when I started this year, but as a result of undergoing so much weird shit I almost certainly believe in God, and yes, "God is a Woman." (More on that later)

Also, I realized that I really DID, as many teenage girls, "lose interest in math and science" but that was because of the terrible, unfactual way it was presented in my homeschool curriculum and by my mom, who was a Math major but whose disinterested detachment made every algebra lesson an excercise in torture.

I have always loved biolology and anatomy and I remember so much more chemistry than I thought. Geology class in community college was amazing and also helped me understand-- even more than the Theory of Evolution-- why young earth creationism was completely impossible.

As for math, I spent 15 years thinking it was my greatest weakness when I have had to use arithmetic in cashiering, my managerial work, and my monthly budget for the last 7 years. Also, as annoying as it was to hear constantly, my mom parroting "What you have to do to one side, you have to do to the other" (but in reverse) gave me the ability to do Algebra quickly and (mostly) effortlessly. I could never get A's, but I got a B in Quantitative Mathematics with no real help aside from occasional teacher input and the "Help me solve this" function of MyMathLab.

Here is where it Gets Weird. I am a Creative. I have been writing stories since I was 6 years old. I have loved Story all my life. My parents were in math and science fields and they completely lacked any creativity. COMPLETELY. It was part of why they were so religiously rigid, authoritarian, and draconian. There was no room for spontaneity or childish imaginativeness.

Looking back, I had major sensory and processing issues. I was likely speech delayed, I learned to read late, and I recently confirmed that when I am stressed my dyscalculia kicks in bad (it IS real). Numbers and symbols get really interchangeable (like an 8 and infinity symbol become kinda the same) which is why I had to recite phone numbers out loud to remember them or write them on colorful backgrounds so I can see them in my head as an image. Also explains my aversion to math but my ease with fractions (1/2 is half a sandwich, etc).

My spatial awareness is also shit when stressed. Before I turned in our car, I had earned the nickname "U-turn" from my boyfriend because on that Floating Death Machine left and right got completely crossed, frequently.

By the way, I struggled with right and left until I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I literally didn't understand the concept of a mirror and 3D space, meaning that the basic understanding that my right is someone else's left didn't come into play until I had an argument with my [now-deceased] brother about it.

What is so weird, is that because of years of correcting for these issues, my sense of direction, ON FOOT is good, if not better than most people. Also, once I realized that, given the opportunity, I very much do whatever I can with my left-hand, and that my hearing is MUCH better than I even thought, I am far less clumsy. Depth perception is still crap, but that is probably also because I was forced to spend years without the glasses I needed (and got earlier this year after living with chronic eye strain)

When I talk about these "issues" it is in line with female autism, but you know what? If really do have adult autism, then I am a Complete Boss because I have pwned that ho.

After being rehospitalized, a kind nurse suggested I may have PTSD and suggested medicine for insomnia and nightmares. It was extremely helpful. I had been looking into C-PTSD for a while, because I didn't think I had "suffered enough" to have "real" PTSD. But that isn't how diagnoses work.

Btw, I still have Bipolar I, Psychotic Features. Another kind nurse told me I don't need anti-psychotics, and no, I don't. I was given Zyprexa by a bitch nurse and it was like getting drunk. I stumbled the halls, almost fell over (possibly did) and woke up with a neon "Fall Risk" bracelet. Anti-psychotics also fucked up my menstrual cycle for years and I have had lingering hormonal isssues. Haha no thanks.

Anyway, I digress. Of course I am fucked up. I lived under family members who questioned my reality, attempted to crush my dreams, threatened me with physical punishment any time I behaved in non-neurotypical ways, violated my rights and interfered with my treatment even though I was a full legal adult, undermined my relationships, tortured and socially isolated me, etc., all under the guise "of knowing best."

In minority cultures, our darkness hides in plain sight, and ESPECIALLY in the Bible Belt, with its supeestition and idolization of familial hierarchy/patriarchy, victims of financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse have no where safe to turn. The Long Arm of the Law is often Short when it comes to "breaking up the family", and women and children are victimized openly with little to no intervention.

On top of doing my Creative Work, I plan to create legislation to make sure that what happened to me and my siblings isn't allowed to go unpunished. We lost my older brother, and I almost died, too, but Enough is Enough.

The Time is Now.

P.S. If Josephine is an Air Nomad I identify as a Water Bender. I basically have no water in my astrological chart, but water signs bring me great comfort in times of need (and make bad romantic partners for me obviously)

Also, this is one Bad Biyatch.

I also found out I am an ISFJ, not INFJ. Yep. Gonna be a Playwright and Director. I want to be a part of the action, not just writing about it.