#(the only way this WOULDNT be true in a ''''real world based'''' timeline is if Takeru delayed the publishing until LONG after 2k23)

[ravenaveira]

Ok, time for my review of Kh3 Re:Mind Dlc

This is gonna be long, so be prepared, and yes there will be many spoilers so if you dont want spoilers of the game then you probably shouldnt read this, but if you dont care then stick around.

I will start off with my unbiased and critical opinion.

From the title menu alone you already know what this game is gonna be about. Kairi is gonna be center focus, or should say specifically Sokai, and Riku will be virtually non existent.

Now I know what your thinking, well duh its all about saving Kairi of course Riku wont have that big a role and she’ll be the main focus, and to that I say no shit sherlock I already knew that. My issue isnt that it was Kairi focused because I already knew that and still pre-ordered the DLC, but my issue is what this title screen represents and my fears were proven correct.

Let me elaborate

Riku is just as much of a friend to Sora as Kairi is, from the beginning of the series its always been Sora, Riku, and Kairi, thats the way its ALWASY been. But from this title screen I could tell Riku’s bond with them wasnt gonna be present at all and I was right.

I’ll elaborate further

I know Im jumping way ahead here but bare with me, at the end of the game after Sora rescues Kairi they travel the worlds together, Sora notices he is fading away which is why he goes to the many different worlds he has visited but now with Kairi, spending his final moments with her before he finally disapears.

See the problem? Sora doesnt involve Riku at all in his final moments being alive, he is just completely absent during his entire remaining life. Sora only spends time with Kairi during his final moments, Riku wasnt shown with them once.

I know some people say well we dont know how long Sora was alive before vanishing and he was probably the one who organized the party, but did we see that though? did we see any signs that Sora was alive for more than a day or two? did we see Sora talking to anyone like he was setting anything up? NO, it was all about Kairi and Riku was completely forgotten.

I can understand if Sora wasnt dying then it wouldnt matter how much time he spends with Kairi alone, but Sora was fading away ANY SECOND and he didnt spend any of his remaining time with Riku at all, even at the beach party who is Sora sitting next to alone with before he finally vanishes? Kairi. That is inexcusable and a huge insult to Riku and his bond with Sora, hes just completely excluded, that is unforgivable.

These new added scenes to the ending actually made it worse than the original version of it, before we didnt even know Sora was around for more than a day and just assumed they all had a beach party afterwards to celebrate getting everyone back and saving the world, but now we know Sora was actually around for an extended period of time and made no effort to spend time with anyone other than Kairi, not even his best friend Riku did he spend time with for his final hours, that is despicable.

Another major issue is how Sora keeps saying his journey started with losing Kairi in this game, as if Riku wasnt ALSO lost that day, as if Riku wasnt the reason Sora kept on his journey even after saving Kairi and sending her back to Destiny Islands, as if he didnt fall to his knees and bawl his eyes out finally reuniting with him, as if he wasnt content with spending the rest of his life trapped in the Realm of Darkness with Riku, as if for the entirety of the base game of kh3 Sora wasnt constantly and only thinking about Riku and how many things he wished he could show him.

Apparently in Remind none of that happened, none of that mattered, it was Kairi that was his main motivation, it was Kairi that started his journey, Riku wasnt involved in it at all.

That is a huge issue with this DLC, it treats Riku like a side character and of little importance to Sora, in the base game they handled them fine minus that on instance in the Keyblade Graveyard where Sora says ‘Alone, Im worthless’ even though Riku’s right there but other than that their relationship and bond was handled very well but in Remind? practically non existent.

Now onto the story aspect, if your not into time travel and have trouble understanding the many variations of it then your gonna have a bad time because it gets VERY confusing to follow, which is why you should never introduce time travel because it becomes way too complicated to keep track of and not only that you also have to worry about things like paradoxes, ripples in time, alternate timelines etc. Its a complete clusterfuck to keep up with and manage so time travel really shouldnt have been introduced in this series.

Chirithy tells Sora that no matter what he cant change the past again, yet there are times where Sora does just that so exactly what cant he change? for example, when Roxas appears he asks Sora to do him a favor which is essentially getting the X back from Xemnas in their names. Sora does several things to make this happen and even Kairi gets a couple swings at Xemnas this time but then the two of them are basically caught and restrained inside shadow balls [pause]

See the prob? this is a huge change to that fight, Kairi never took a single swing at Xemnas, she just stood there and got snatched up, Roxas never asked Sora for help getting the X’s back from Xemnas, and Sora and Kairi never got restrained by Xemnas and knocked out.

Chirithy explicitly said Sora cant change what happened and no matter what he has to accept it for what it is, yet here he is, changing what happened. Maybe you could argue well this is an alternate timeline, even if it is that makes all of this irrelevant and means it never happened because the true ending is the one where it didnt happen, making this semi useful Kairi moment really pointless because at the end of the day its not canon, her being useless is the true outcome, none of this matters.

That is extremely disappointing, so even if you alter the past for the better it doesnt matter because its an alternate timeline and that timeline isnt the real one making this whole redo pointless and time consuming for a short DLC that was an extra 30$ to play.

So the time travel is very confusing and even if you follow it, it ends up being very disappointing when you realize none of it matters.

Moving on to some of the tied loose ends, Im glad they explained why Aqua froze up after saying ‘We stand together’ and I like how we get to see how Young Xehanort came to have the beliefs that lead to what he did and also MOMs subtle influence on him succumbing to darkness.

He told Xehanort that he would outgrow the robe and no longer need it because if he was truly powerful then he’d be the one controling the darkness, this leads to Xehanort later begining to travel without the robe and being corrupted. So we know now that MOM also influenced that as well and is very sketchy, even more now than he was before since this action greatly influenced what Xehanort eventually does and all the pain he caused, all of which would have probably never happened if it wasnt for him.

But thats just my theory and what I got from it.

I liked that we got to see Namine for a brief moment where Sora basically brushes her off and completely forgets about thanking her, this is a plotline Im pretty sure at this point is just never going to get resolved. He just tells her to go to the Final World and walks off, which makes no sense because Sora was surprised to see her in the original playthrough.

Another change was Lingering Will dying to protect Sora, again this never happened because Sora was busy fighting alongside everyone in the maze while Lingering Will and Terranort were fighting away from them. After Lingering Will died for him then Sora is pretty much squeezed to death by Terranorts Stand, or atleast knocked unconscious.

So much about these are just so confusing as to how they are happening when Chirithy said the events couldnt be changed I just stopped questioning it.

But atleast this time its made clear that Namine is the one who sent Lingering Will to help everyone and how she did it, so now people can stop saying Kairi is the reason everyone survived because it wasnt, without Lingering Will they would have all died a second time.

Basically the first half of the DLC is just recap with some minor changes and additions to the cutscenes, you get to play as other characters like Riku [optional] Aqua [not optional] and Roxas [optional] but other than that its basically the same thing all over again for the first 3-4 hours of the DLC, that is ridiculous.

The new content finally starts when Kairi is shattered, funny how the game gets good after Kairi dies xD I’ll stop.

Anyway once Kairi dies is when we finally get explorable Scala, but not without having to endure an insane fight with tons of heartless and nobodies and yes its more complicated than you think. It doesnt matter how many heartless or nobodies you kill, they will keep coming until you kill this one red heartless with way more health than your average heartless has.

After that you can pretty much wander around Scala as you wish and this is the only time where you can buy items or food so make sure to do that if your low on items. If your low on money there are minor enemies there that you can kill to get some so take advantage of this opportunity because your not getting another one.

Your goal in Scala is to basically run around, solve a couple puzzles, and get 5 of Kairi’s heart shards, revealed to having to be 7 later on. Sound fun? besides being able to see more of Scala’s layout, not really. But its a good place to take a breather before getting back into the big battles ahead.

Unfortunately your actually forced to fight the armored organization again but thankfully you dont have to do the ENTIRE final battle over, just that one section which I appreciate but wish we didnt have to do any of it at all.

So after we’re done Scala we get in MY opinion the two best parts of the entire DLC. We get to see what was going on with the rest of the keyblade wielders back home and it was INSANE and extremely well done, everybody had a chance to shine.

When everyone was swept away and Mickey was down and out, it was amazing seeing Mickey push himself back up and slowly with what little strength he had take on all the armor organization BY HIMSELF severely weakened, yet still powerful enough to hold them off and stand his ground. He really showed us WHY he is the King, so THAT I really enjoyed. It was extremely well done and one of the most memorable parts of the DLC.

The next part was even more insane and well done, which is us getting to fight as all the keyblade wielders against the armored organization and even get some cool dialog and team attacks in between, it was just amazingly well done seeing everyone work together and switching between characters was just so epic and enjoyable.

Honestly I could play those two parts over and over again and enjoy it everytime, their just that good and the most memorable in the entire DLC.

Coming back with Kairi and killing Xehanort together with all the keyblade wielders including Kairi this time was satisfying to see but it excludes Xehanorts and Eraquses final words, I mean yea seeing Xehanort have a semi happy ending put off alot of people but at the same time, seeing Xehanort come to the realization that he was wrong about everything and giving the Wayfinder trio closure by seeing their master one last time and hearing his apology to them just held more weight to me.

Im not saying I think Xehanort should be redeemed as easily as he was, but I feel like excluding Eraqus and their final words made the ending feel hollow, just ok we beat the bad guy, happily ever after now. Thats pretty lackluster and unsatisfying In my opinion.

Finally the ending....

Heres where Im gonna be biased and give my personal thoughts. Warning if your a fan of Kairi skip to the very end of the review where I give my overall rating

I hate the ending, for the reasons I listed in the beginning but also many others. I get the main focus was gonna be Kairi since the DLC was about saving her, Im not mad about the obvious, Im mad about the execution.

The Sokai agenda was so forced and apparent its not even funny, they shove it in your face so hard yet when Sora is talking with Chirithy he still refers to Kairi as a friend, really? your shoving this pairing down our throats just to have Sora still friendzone her? Im not mad because I dont want them together anyway but I hate the games being played here, you either want them together or you dont, pick a friggin side Nomura.

And while we’re on the subject, I hate, HATE, how this game is so heavily romance focused when Kingdom Hearts was NEVER about romance to begin with, it was always about friendship and bonds. Not in this DLC though, no now its all about Kairi and being with her forever, traveling the world together, holding hands, all this lovey dovey nonsense nobody invested in the plot could give a rats behind about.

Sure people who are into Kingdom Hearts for the romance of course they dont mind, but Im pretty sure MOST people invested in this series are in it for the story, not some stupid pairing, and I HATE how much they shove it down your throat because it is just so forced and obvious what they were doing.

This was all damage control for Kairi, who has been a useless damsel in distress and dues ex machina in every single game shes been a part of. I repeat, EVERY SINGLE GAME SHES A PART OF.

Kh1 - Kidnapped, unconscious, Sora needs to die to save her.

Kh2 - Kidnapped, held hostage, Sora needs to find and save her.

Kh3 - Kidnapped, unconscious, is killed twice, Sora needs to die to save her.

Do you see what I fricken mean? Every fuckin game its the same danm thing over and over and quite frankly Im sick of it. You might as well say this is a Mario game because Kairi is princess Peach always gettin snatched up and Sora is Mario always going through insanely deadly trials to get her back, and then it happens all over again.

This DLC was damage control for that, instead of immediately getting snatched up by Xemnas she actually gets a few good swipes at him to no avail of course, and then she fights together with Sora against armored Xehanort, all of which is just damage control for her not doing anything in the entire franchise and pandering to her fanbase that are constantly screeching for playable Kairi and for her to do something.

It was also damage control for how non existent their relationship was and what a joke its been since Kh1. They arent fooling anybody because thats exactly what this was, otherwise why you have to try so hard to CONVINCE us how important she was to Sora? why did Riku have to get sidelined so much just to boost Kairi up? why’d Sora completely disregard Riku as a part of his journey? why did Sora not spend ANY time with ANYONE for his final moments alive? its so obvious why. The only way to convince anyone shes actually important and relevant is to play down everyone else or exclude them entirely.

Congratulations, you got your wish, good for you fandom, but at what cost?

The time they spent forcing so much Sokai could have been used to tie up way more loose ends than there were but nope, gotta squeeze in that Sokai, thats what yall really here for right? fuck off.

The two best moments of the game was so short lived its not even funny, this DLC was full of so much padding in the first half, forced romance and pandering for damage control they forgot to actually make this a decent DLC.

Since I recorded my gameplay from start to finish I can actually tell you the amount of old content vs the new

3-4 hours of mostly what we already seen with a few changes, I only died twice

1-2 hours of new content, probably less because I got lost and died alot

That is unacceptable, 30$ for only 10% new content? that is a robbery.

Not only that but the worst part is the Limitcut episode, databattles have always been optional for competative players who like the challenge. Now you are FORCED to fight these INSANELY hard bosses, all 13 in order to get the final bits of the aftermath of the story.

WE PAID FOR THIS, this wasnt free we PAID for it and yet we’re basically told ‘Hey if your a casual player and want the rest of the story? well you gotta fight 13 of these insanely hard databattles that used to be optional but now their madatory for you to get the rest of your moneys worth. Too difficult? cant do it? well too danm bad, get good or go home we got your money already so screw you guess you’ll never know’

That is a fucking robbery and a huge slap in the face to people who are invested in the story, not proving their the best by fighting insanely difficult battles no matter what difficulty your on. It wouldnt be an issue if this was always the case, but these battles were always OPTIONAL for competetive players to do if they WANTED to, but now its mandatory and if you cant do it then oh well middle finger to you.

I couldnt even beat Vanitas, I fought him first and then Luxord and I couldnt beat either of them so I just said fuck it and went on youtube to see what I paid to see for free. 30$ wasted on a game I cant even finish, your out of your fucking mind if you think thats fair and excusable.

Thats why at the end of the day I give it a 5/10, its not good but its not bad either, its just decent. But if you asked me if it is worth the time and money? fuck no, my advice? watch other youtubers play it and keep your 30$

If you want it just to play as some of the characters, experience the new content for yourself, and play the databattles then by all means get it.

But if you think thats not enough for you to spend 30$ for then dont get it.

Overall Re:mind gets a 5/10, useless padding for majority of the first half of things we’ve already seen and cant skip because theres new scenes mixed in, forced romance that nobody but shippers care to see, severely lacking new content, and unfair extremely hard mandatory databattles just to see the final aftermath of the story which is kind of important setup for the next game.

Fuck this DLC, this was my fist time EVER buying a DLC for ANYTHING and thanks to this its probably my last. So thank you Re:Mind, for ReMinding me why I never bought DLCs in the first place.

Ps - Im so glad playable Kairi was optional, thats one of the only things this DLC did right.

[someobscurereference]

What do you think the best and worst case scenario would be for the Trio having to reveal their true identities, time travel and all?

My best case scenario reveal is the war is over, the countries are at peace, everyone is happy, and the Trio just decides to go ahead and tell everyone because they want the mages to work on possibly connecting their worlds… worst case scenario: They’re at the final battle, everyone is injured or dead, and Anonkos remembers and calls those yhree put before summoning a revived Grima, who has a major grudge against them for the parts they played in his defeat

This is a super difficult question because there are so many different scenarios for this to happen, and they all can definitely go one way or another! I would say your best case scenario is pretty neat! Your worst case scenario, I’m not so sure about Grima literally coming back to life realistically in-game (Unless it was a post Awakening timeline where Chrom struck the final blow on Grima instead of Robin and the two worlds are connected somehow, which actually!! Would be the absolute Worst Ending for sure!! So I think you win there!)

Hmm. Best case scenario… Probably exactly what you said? The war is over, everyone is accepted, truth is revealed (and also believed!), and maybe there’s a chance the Trio can return to Nohr some day even though dimension travel is pretty difficult/the crystal the Trio has only works once. I like that a lot! I’m weak for happy endings with no real complications, lol

Worst case scenario! Again, I feel like there are way more scenarios were things could go very wrong than I can list here. And some of them would probably definitely be worse than anything I say here. But within the confines of canon, I think… Probably a scenario were the war is going badly/everyone is very injured, like you said. Or at the very least, they’re all in a tight spot. And the truth comes out one way or another, and it doesn’t go well! As in, Xander and Camilla are very upset, and perhaps Leo straight up doesn’t believe anything without evidence?

Because in canon, when Laslow implies that “Laslow” is not his real name, he’s not from Nohr, has no past, etc. Xander does not like that at all.

Laslow: Well, you may have a hard time of it then. There are very few footprints of mine in this world, and none of them are old. Besides, I don’t know where you’d start with a false name and fake appearance.

Xander: What?

Laslow: …

Xander: Laslow… Are you…

Laslow: … Just kidding! I got you, didn’t I?

Xander: So, you think it’s fun to play pranks, do you? Very well. It appears as though you require stricter disciplinary action.

Laslow: What?!

Xander: I had planned to end your confinement today, but I think a change is in order. You are to report to my chambers at dawn tomorrow morning.

Laslow: What?! Please, no!

Xander: The more you protest, the longer your confinement will be. Understood?

Laslow: Yes, milord…

Keep in mind Xander is using the Distressed Character Portrait during this part of the exchange. And these supports are basically all about Xander punishing Laslow for disobeying him/making Xander come across as foolish via Laslow’s behavior. So there’s a good chance if the truth was exposed poorly, Xander would not be very understanding of it. Especially if theoretically this information could have helped Nohr/Hoshido fight against Anankos in the Revelations timeline! That’s technically valuable information they kept secret. (Even if we, the player, know the Trio would really know next to nothing and it’s mostly only their origins they’re keeping a secret). At the very least, he could argue, the Trio should have revealed Valla’s existence sooner since they’ve had a few years pre-war to do so. (Which! There are a lot of reasons why they wouldn’t be able to do that! But I imagine these things are said in anger)

Same with Camilla! She’s very possessive of her loved ones, and again, if the truth were revealed poorly, she might not take very well to being lied to for so long. Camilla has a slightly similar exchange with Selena in her A-Support, though not quite as obvious:

Selena: Of course, Lady Camilla. I would never leave you without fair warning.

Camilla: And I can hold you to that, yes?

Selena: What a question! Do you think I’d lie to you about this? About anything?!

Camilla: Ohohoho…no, never.

Earlier in the support, Camilla makes comments about how devoted Selena is and how good of a retainer she is for Camilla. So Selena’s “Do you think I’d ever lie to you about this? About anything?” vs Camilla’s “No, never” is a double edged sword. Because though Selena probably isn’t lying about telling Camilla if she had to leave and is always working for Camilla’s best interests, Selena definitely is lying about her origins, appearance, etc. So combined with the inevitable hurt of being lied to + the strategic reasons Camilla might be upset listed in Xander/Laslow’s example, Camilla might react very much in line with Xander here!

Leo is a bit of a strange case in that he very specifically doesn’t care about his retainer’s pasts? I tried to find the exact dialogue for that, but I know it’s been said before that Leo couldn’t care less about who Odin or Niles were before they met him.

If Niles or Odin bring something up first (for example, Odin mentioning Risen, Niles talking about his own vague memories), Leo may ask something out of curiosity based on what they’re saying. But he never pushes and straight up doesn’t seem to care in the slightest so long as Niles and Odin do their current jobs well. So this puts him in a slightly different position than Camilla and Xander in terms of how he views Odin not telling him the whole truth/using a fake name and appearance.

However, keeping information about your past is one thing and keeping information about an unknown but real enemy/ways to conquer that enemy are two separate things. I’m sure Leo could be swayed by his own sibling’s feelings, plus the general frustration of the situation they’re in if it’s going badly.

My happy ending loving heart wants to say given a little while to cool off, everyone would eventually understand why the Trio did what they did and how they really couldn’t say anything/reveal to the sibs anything about anything for so long. But! If they were separated at all or things took a turn for the worse before any reconciliation could be had, the friction between the Trio and their lieges could definitely worsen the situation/make everyone feel like real shit all around. Especially if they straight up aren’t believed about some things! “You lied about your name, so how can I trust anything you say?” Even Leo may be in disbelief because Odin is already known for exaggeration and stories. So the humiliation of not being believed even after the anger subsides would definitely bite too!

tl;dr My Worst Case Scenario in canon is the Trio being faced with anger and disbelief at the truth inadvertently coming out

[eternaleve]

You know how I said that the last two episodes made 1532 seemed like eighteen months long? Well, this episode just… you’ll see, it’s rather special in it’s own way.

Checkmate

Henry destroys all ties with authority and the past. After many failed attempts to have his marriage to Catherine annulled by the Catholic Church, Henry runs out of patience and marries a pregnant Anne Boleyn in secret. He appoints the young Lutheran Thomas Cranmer to succeed the deceased William Warham as Archbishop of Canterbury and strips Queen Catherine of her title and status, along with Princess Mary; they are hence to be known as the Princess Dowager of Wales and the Lady Mary, respectively. The Act of Restrain of Appeals is presented to Parliament by Cromwell and passes. As Sir Thomas More has resigned as Chancellor, Henry hands the position to the pro-Lutheran Thomas Cromwell. Anne Boleyn is crowned Queen of England to a small and uneager crowd and escapes an assassination attempt. Pope Paul III threatens to excommunicate the king and the church of England from the Roman Catholic Church if Henry does not return to Catherine, but Henry tears the papal edict in half. Henry is also disappointed when Anne Boleyn gives birth to a daughter, Elizabeth, instead of his desired son, and soon resumes his philandering with ladies of the court despite assuring Anne they will still have a son.

A Secret Marriage, A Secret Pregnancy, A Coronation – Oh My!

After one instance of the sex, Anne is instantly pregnant. And not just even a little pregnant, because she’s already suffering immense intense pregnancy cravings for apples. This is based on a real life anecdote, but I have to question the timeline here.

Anne and Henry went to France in September 1532 (another reason why they couldn’t have conceived Elizabeth there, unless Anne managed to be pregnant for twelve months. I screwed up the times last week, so my bad there. It’s been a while since I last looked it all up). They would not be married for the first time until November 14 1532. I know some women start to have cravings at two to three weeks, but for Anne to be ‘Yup, definitely pregnant, I’m so full of baby right now’, she has to be at least past a month or two. And there just isn’t the time to fit into what happened and when.

And yes, it’s still 1532! The year that never, ever ends!

Realising Anne’s condition (even though pregnancies were usually recognised from when the baby ‘quickened’ i.e. starting to move around three months and there’s no way Anne can be three months pregnant) Henry orders Cranmer to look into his marriage…

… but gets married in secret anyway.

There’s no need to rush Henry! This baby won’t be born for another ten months.

Anyway, after a second official marriage in January, and a little political wrangling, Anne can now be crowned queen. She’s the only queen consort in British history to receive a coronation separate from her royal spouse, and the only one to be crowned with St. Edward’s Crown. There’s some BS nonsense at her parade, but we’ll go into that later.

It’s also really off because of the warped timeline the show has decided to follow. It’s now June, 1533, and because Anne fell pregnant in September, she should be giving birth. Like, literally on that carriage, she should be deep in labour. But she’s managing to keep it in for another three months.

Henry places a crown on Anne’s head, and she’s anointed and invested as queen. I say ‘a crown’ because that tiny little pathetic coronet is not St Edward’s Crown.

It was remade in the seventeenth century, but the royal monogram is based on St Edward’s Crown.

This is Henry’s, so this is probably what the crown looked at during Henry’s time. It is not a single pathetic coronet that barely shows up. How do you ruin making an impressive and royal crown?

Henry gets aggressive and nasty with Anne at the coronation feast, because foreshadowing.

This aggressive side of Henry continues into the longest pregnancy ever experienced by any woman ever. When sleeping at night – and FYI, they shouldn’t share a bed. Royal couples had separate apartments in palaces, and completely separate bedrooms. Henry and his wives would not share a bed like a couple might do now – Anne is too tired and stressed out by the longest pregnancy in the world to have sex with Henry. He’s disgusted and angered by her rejection.

Because it’s only the most sexy and romantic of men who try to force their wives into having sex with them! (Even though Henry wouldn’t try anything like that for fear of damaging the child or causing a miscarriage)

Anne finally goes into labour, and luckily for her, it’s incredibly easy. She pushes exactly once and the baby just flies out. Unfortunately, it’s not a son. It’s a girl, and Henry is taken aback. But sons will surely follow, for they are both young and fertile.

Lol no, Henry is now sleeping with anyone else because how dare his wife have a child and it’s not what he wanted.

Do you play… chess?

Wait, where are you going to put that chess piece? Cause she doesn’t look very happy about it…

… oh. Oh. Hope you don’t plan on playing with it again.

The London Knoll

The Imperial assassin is revealed to be none other than William Brereton. Which makes pretty much no sense.

Not only was he almost fifty by this point, but he’s a longstanding member of Henry’s inner circle, serving as a groom of the privy chamber. He was a wealthy and respected member of court, and definitely not a twenty something devoted Catholic who wanted to kill Anne Boleyn. This assassination nonsense is exactly that – nonsense. Events are dramatic enough as it is without having an assassin running about.

After attempting to kill Anne, Brereton travels to Rome to beg forgiveness from the Pope. Instead, the Pope enlists him as a Jesuit and sends him back to kill Anne again.

The Jesuits aren’t formed until 1540. Even if you needed to add to this ridiculous mess, you didn’t need to add in Jesuits. And then the producers decide to recreate the assassination of JFK for no apparent reason.

Don’t tell me that’s not based on the death of JFK, because it looks so much like it. I find that a little cheap and distasteful, to co-opt a real life trauma to improve the shabbiness of your own writing. And I don’t think sixteenth century guns were accurate enough to carry out this sort of operation. Luckily, some random mook dies instead and is shoved under a choir stand to die alone and unnoticed.

He’s almost caught out by the fact he didn’t think to wipe off all the incredibly obvious and super noticeable gunpowder from his hands, but William Brereton escapes to assassinate another day!

Brandon VS The Boleyns

The tension between Charles Brandon and Thomas Boleyn gets worse because their servants get into a stupid fight and kill each other. After all, Charles Brandon needed an actual, legitimate reason to hate the Boleyns other than ‘the writers needed something for him to do this season’.

What Are You Up To, Thomas Cranmer?

Besides all this, there’s the question of the English Church and Henry’s first marriage. To force his second marriage through, he decides to make Thomas Cranmer his Archbishop of Canterbury, the most senior religious position in England.

He transported his wife from Germany in a box. It is sort-of a true story. Cranmer was said to have hidden his wife from the King in a box, not taken her across half a continent, but it’s only a ‘it is said’ kind of truth. There’s no evidence that it actually happened.

The supporters of Katherine are not happy with this because Cranmer is a ‘Lutheran’. That’s simply not true. Cranmer was more Calvinist than Lutheran, because Lutheran is not a catch all for ‘not being a Catholic’.

Meanwhile, Cromwell has pushed through parliament The Act in the Restraint of Appeals which basically means that it’s illegal to apply to foreign courts of justice and to appeal outside of England as it’s an empire. Cromwell, it would seem, is completely in charge of government and Henry doesn’t have any say over anything as he’s a big doofus with no ideas of his own.

Cranmer, with little to no fuss, announces that Henry and Katherine’s marriage is not valid and that Anne and Henry’s marriage is good and legal. The Pope declares Henry excommunicated.

What About Katherine and Mary?

Katherine is told of this change. She will now be the Dowager Princess of Wales, and Henry will support her no longer. She proclaims herself to always be Queen of England.

And then there’s the Princess Mary. She’s now all grown up, but no longer a Princess. She is to be the Lady Mary, and royal heir no longer. She was told this in real life by the Duke of Norfolk, but he’s mysteriously vanished from the show.

Our New Gay Subplot

Mark Smeaton, in a public place, very loudly comes onto George Boleyn. I guess he’s going to be executed for sodomy in the next episode because it’s very illegal at this point. I highly doubt queer people were loudly shouting about their sexuality in a public arena because, you know, death is bad.

Come on, Vogue, Let Your Body Move to the Music

Those clothes are straight up pure Elizabethan. There is nothing of the 1530s about them. And take that purple off, Smeaton. You’re a common servant, and purple is for the royal family alone.

You ready for your villain song, Henry? Because that collar is straight from Maleficent. That collar is far too high for a man like Henry to wear.

Mary, that hood is not right. That is a very central Germanic hood and would never be found at the English court (at least, until Anna of Cleeves arrives).

This is another from the Katherine Willoughy ‘Lamps of Tudor England’ series, and it’s just as hideous as the first one.

Nice pregnancy sack. Anne, you’d be wearing exactly the same dress as you’d always wear, but with the ties and stomacher loosened to allow room for the bump. Tudor England didn’t have maternity sacks for women.

That is Jacobean hat right there. Take it off and burn it.

And that’s it for this week. Come back next time for more of 1532 (probably), bad dresses, and terrible writing decisions.

  Unpicking the Tudors; S2 EP3 You know how I said that the last two episodes made 1532 seemed like eighteen months long?

[disneysnuff]

cherry bones

i met a guy to play louie at cloud 9 he’s got a curly mullet and is balding.. his so beautiful. this part that i wrote, based on the way my friend chio acts when he’s 8 pills into a night screaming zoopity woo and wobbling around like a praying mantis... i love my life. i got a tattoo, dedicated to my sister, i was tryna hide it for like 15 minutes then my sisters like ‘mum jarryds got a tattoo hit him’ hahaha. ive been setting goals and am on the brink of some major money if my up start takes off... im gonna get a little corrolla fuckin 80′s like 95 square looking motherfucks. i still want my benz and feel like joplin.. but maybe next year. i like these little white or silver hatchbacks i full love em and there like 2k put some venetians in it and race around at 60km in a 70 bumpin the strokes and usher and shit.  i sold four pills at a rave once. i dont want to drink goop no more so i wont be as lit as previous meetings. i go back to uni, feb 7th or 12th.. im making a documentary that will be featured in the film.. im still searching for a title for the entire film i feel like calling it blue chairs is to vague but perfect for a chapter/part. i love colour. the documentary is LSD:Lets stop doing. some people thought it was pretty funny... i want it to be as serious but as stupid as that part in harold and kumar one where there high as giraffe pussy watching tv and the dude smokes a joint on the ad then blows his head off.. mines going to be real stories of bad acid trips reanctments like those crime shows. death murder sex drugs rock n roll. im starting a little tshirt company McBain 83rd co. me and my boy croppas made up some designs in photoshop, there fuckin ill. like even if i have twenty left over i dont care ill just wear the same tee for 9 years. my boy blake and i, mostly me, planned out a buisness module and i’ll be making more money then flipping pills at a disco so it’s quite a time to be an artist... 2017 feels like this make or make year like nothings gone wrong, i hope it stays this way. “wanna see me turn into a super saiyan” i wanna shave my hair on the sides skin bald but theres alot of hair even at zero. i walk everyday and do a hundred situps and pushups sometimes.. losing weight sucks i hate medication even at 5mg, i got so beautiful for a couple of months there but every thing was moving to fast, i was stuck in an alternate timeline after drinking a bottle of 2007 merlot that my dad had before we made him leave... i want to be a wine conoseiur or whatever it is. something to collect and it pays off. red. i couldnt even buy a 2007 from liquorland, i dont know much but im putting my best conoseiurness out there.. 2007 great year for wine. i lost it in the bathtub just laughing listening to trex. i dont want to make you feel weird. my psychiatrist was such a babe, she left the service two weeks ago was my last appointment with her and we talked about the alternate timeline.. its a real stupid story but for some reason i fell into this state of mind were i thought world war 2 and the genocide that was implented during was my fault... fucking weird like i was talking to hitler in my thoughts and half awake dream. i guess youd know what thats like, everyones schizophrenic in their dreams, but hitler was showing me visuals of hitler toys and then of space and the world and then boom nazi flag popped into my head, idn i have this feeling voices messages like that interstellar movie can get lost in time with this sueperfluis ‘mental illness’ well my beliefs at the time... its not even frightening i found it fun. my psychiatrist refered to them as frightening and i dont have the paranoia which is good. 2 more months and then i go to tribunal hearing again and ill get off im to smart not to, last time i floored them with my vocabulary refering to it as the most contentious social issue and there system as a revolving door. i feel like its weak to be depressed and ive never been depressed, wouldnt mind to try it though. when i get off this cto and this run of olanzapine 20mg but i only take 5mg i crush it and eat a quarter to keep my weight down, im like 67 on a good day, my goal was 60 but now its 58. i saw a girl on the back of an old mans motorcycle she had the tiniest docs on and a helmet i couldnt see her face but she had the most undesribable positive energy. olanzapine is the best medication ive been on besides the weight gain. its all so calm.. to calm. i miss the uprising moments of disorganised passionate thought although being collected and chill is nice too even though chillers are boring and have nothing exciting to say 11 months of the year. i hope my tshirts sell. mums yelling ‘i wont have any part of it’ ‘dont go to uni, get a job’ but im on my journey and i feel like its the right time.. i need to make a feature film before 25 to be on par with orson welle’s life. ive written three films now, two are secret in my little black books.. ones a vietnam war film the other a world war two film. the world war 2 one will be when and if I have a bigger budget, just got this really cool scene written for it which was inspired by full metal jacket and god of war 3, so theres this massive hole in the ground and 40 or so a whole village (haha hole) is marched out there and shot one by one screaming there last words i want it to be in yiddish jewish and german and slow motion in my head its likea symphony of death truly disgusting and yiddish is such a bakcwords double edged language like the word “uglee’ means ‘of god,, and my fourth film im going to make is a biopic about my father and his father called ‘the pyjama gang’ about jockeys duromine and australian crime mostly based on my father arthur’s true story, its a little self indulgent although i feel like thats a directors voice, it will even have my father and mothers ill-fated love story and my childhood. im not eager to travel untill im making movies because the idea of a country to me can inspire a whole film so im going to wait untill my art is ready before i travel. i do want to go to one country this year, japan or new zealand.. i love my life. ive been training like patrick bateman when i feel like it, tomorrow im going to watch texas chainsaw massacre 1974 and work out throughout the whole thing. my friend asked me who do you identify as?.. i said ‘nigga dick’