#(the answer is when I forced myself to start getting over my irrational distaste for the entirety of the Swampert line other than Mudkip)

[sincerely-sofie]

(Bonus meme below)

[portgas-d-ace-of-hearts]

Take Me Down (To Paradise) Chapter Two

Chapter Summary: In which Ace gets to punch someone and the group returns to the ship.

Notes:  Small trigger warning for a brief mention of sexual assault in conversation, nothing shown either explicitly or otherwise.

Violet eyes wide, Nym’s lips parted. She licked her dry lips and replied with the only words that came to mind. “I guess you won’t mind if I tag along with you, then?”

  …

“Tag along with us?” 

  Ace cringed inwardly. He could have hit himself when the only thing he could do was echo Nym’s words back to her. Then again, he felt numb. Somehow he’d found his second soulmate getting noodles and sake at a pub during a night at port. A soulmate who seemed to be in a bit of a bind, considering the reason that brought her to their table in the first place. Whoever that shady-ass stalker was, her sitting down between him and Marco had been enough to send him scurrying. The sudden surge of protectiveness he felt startled him, at once both familiar and foreign. He’d felt similar instincts with Marco, even when they’d only first gotten to know each other. 

  “Yes, tag along with you, ya know? Leave town together?” Seeing as they’d just been revealed as soulmates, he grudgingly gave her the rest of his udon, motioning at the nearest family member of the pub owner to bring two more bowls. Judging by how she wolfed down the rest of his cooling portion, she’d need more as much as he did. 

  “What, just like that? You don’t have a life here? What about your family?” As irrational as it made him feel, the longer he looked at her the more he wanted to touch her, if only to see if she were real. When Marco’s mark had revealed itself on his arm as the man held a dish of food out to him like a peace offering, he’d wanted to do the same—he had done, before long. Once soulmates were revealed to each other they were damn difficult to keep apart. 

    How could this be happening?

  Nym slurped up the last of the thick noodles and wiped her mouth on the back of her wrist. Her strange violet eyes alighted on him, and the inappropriately-timed thought of how many kisses fit between them reared its head. “Yes, ‘just like that’, and no, I don’t. My family doesn’t live here. I was just passing through.” Her nose wrinkled playfully. “I’m what they call a wayfarer.”

  Thatch leaned towards her with interest, though careful to keep his shins far out of her range. “Oh, so you’re just a traveler, then? You go where the wind takes you?”

  Nym propped her chin on her fist, her elbow resting on the table. “Exactly. Sometimes I travel with folks, and sometimes I travel alone. Since me and Ace here just found out that we’re soulmates and I’m not doing anything else, it stands to reason that I might see where the wind takes us when it blows us in the same direction.”

  Ace found that deeply amusing for some reason. A cheeky grin curled his lips. “A thirst for adventure and nothing holding you down to one location? You might as well be a pirate.”

  Nym eyed him curiously. “Is that an official invitation?”

  “Well, you did say you’re not doing anything else—”

  Thatch’s head thunked onto the table, his fist smacking against it emphatically. “Oh good god,” he moaned.  “Not again. Not more of this fucking soulmate flirting bullshit.”

  Nym flushed a rather fetching cherry red—in Ace’s opinion—and then in the next moment Thatch swore and bent down to rub at his shins. “Fucking hell do you kick hard for such a small woman!”

  Marco let loose a raucous bark of a laugh. “It’s what you deserve. Payback for all the times from before when you gave me and Ace shit.”

  “Fuck you, man, you two were un-fucking-bearable,” Thatch insisted as he continued rubbing furiously and muttering curses. 

  Nym looked between Ace and Marco with interest as two bowls of steaming udon were laid in front of her and Ace. “You two are already soulmates?” Ace watched as she connected the dots, then held still as she studied him. “So you have two soulmates, then, Ace.”

  Ace found himself gifting her an easy smile, voice soft and almost drawling. “Apparently I can’t help myself. I have to find double the trouble wherever I go.”

  Nym laughed, then sobered, clearly intrigued. “Does he have a second one as well?” 

  “He’s right here,” Marco chimed in then, taking the opportunity to steal a bite from Ace himself, “And the answer is yes.”

  She hummed. “Hmm. I wonder…”

  “What?” Ace’s brows creased in concern, trying to picture what might be bothering her. 

  She extended her opposite wrist in front of her on the table, baring a secondary, dormant soul-mark. “Is your other mark active or dormant?”

  Wordlessly Marco slowly offered his other wrist as well, revealing another dormant mark. “You’re not thinking—?”

  “One way to find out,” she murmured, pressing her wrist into his. Not being on either end of that match, Ace couldn’t feel the burn of activation, but he could observe as Nym’s mark appeared on Marco’s flesh the way it had on his own, mirrored against Marco’s Phoenix flashing into existence on her. 

  “You’ve got to be shitting me,” Thatch blurted, watching them with wide eyes. “Double mutual soulmates? A bonded set ?”

  Ace’s stomach twisted itself in knots. Outwardly he appeared smug, but inwardly the turmoil might suffocate him. How could he safely love his soulmates without hurting them? How could he be everything they needed without also being his father’s son? He felt, almost, a rising sense of panic, one that abated suddenly, and when he looked up from glaring into his udon he found Marco’s hand in his, and Nym’s on his wrist. As his soulmates they’d instinctually felt his distress and moved to comfort him.

  “It looks like now I have two reasons to leave,” Nym shrugged, sounding upbeat. 

  Marco chuckled, amused both by her demeanor and the expression evidently on Ace’s face. “Face it, Ace,” he teased him, “you’ll just have to get used to twice the love.”

  “Twice the annoyance, you mean,” Thatch muttered, dodging the elbow aimed his way by Marco. 

  Ace flipped off their blonde friend and dug into his new udon, unable to take his eyes off of Nym—or off of Marco, for that matter. Despite having eaten before she arrived, he still finished before her, sending his bowl away with coins to settle their tab. As soon as she finished eating and her bowl left the table as well, he stood, readjusting his hat. “Time to go. Do you have your things?” 

  His friend and two soulmates got to their feet. Nym picked up a small pack he hadn’t noticed before and nodded resolutely. “Yep.” She’d looked short before when she slid in next to him and changed his life irrevocably, but now standing next to her with Marco he could observe how truly tiny she looked next to them. Despite her wide hips and not being particularly thin, she seemed almost delicate in her features, elf-like in some way. The name Nymphadora certainly suited her, even if she found it distasteful. 

  “Let’s go then, babe.” 

  Her reaction to the endearment was lost in the murmur of the crowd around them.  Without conscious thought, Ace took her hand in his, twining their fingers together. When he looked over his shoulder as he led them toward the exit, he saw Marco holding her other hand, Thatch trailing behind them like a sulky duckling. He slipped outside with his ears pricked for danger. A good thing, as when they emerged onto the street they found the man from before lurking in the shadows nearby. 

  He made as if to grab at Nym, the motion aborted halfway through as he realized she had company with her. Before he could change tactics properly, Ace decked him with his free hand, sending him sprawling onto his back and out cold. He lightly stepped over him, tugging the others along with him. He noticed with no small sense of satisfaction that Marco had stepped on the man’s nose when passing over him. 

  “You’ll like the ship,” he told her conversationally as they walked through the streets hand in hand and abreast to Thatch. “It’s called the Moby Dick. ”

  “Is it now? Your captain must have a fondness for old novels,” she remarked. She didn’t seem at all fazed by him laying out her would-be attacker. In fact, she had a definite spring in her step as they made their back to the ship. 

  “Guess so,” Marco mused. “Pops has read a lot of books in his time.”

  “Pops?” 

  “Yeah, the Old Man,” Ace explained. “Whitebeard.” 

  “He treats us all as his sons,” Thatch added. 

  “Ah, I see.” Nym paused. “Does that mean—do you think—are there women onboard?”

  The three men slowed, Ace and Marco sharing one of their loaded glances that had more than once earned them gentle ribbing from the crew. Marco sounded as uncertain as Ace felt. “A few. As a general rule he doesn’t typically allow women combatants, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any in the crew.”

  Ace’s hand tightened on Nym’s, not willing to let her go for a second. “There’ve been exceptions. When he takes a crew under his command, he’ll usually give the old members a choice of joining him or starting over again. Banshee and Cornelia were some of my old crew that he allowed to stay.”

  Thatch continued their reassurances. “And he’s accepted a few exceptionally gifted women into his forces for other roles—trackers, spies, messengers, healers…”

  Nym seemed a bit upset. “So why does he have that rule, anyway?” 

  The docks came into view, an array of ships of varying shapes and sizes moored up and down the row. 

  “Probably to avoid conflict in the crew,” Thatch guessed. “To avoid fights over relationships. Or, ah, children on board.”

  “Or to protect them,” Marco offered. “I wouldn’t fancy being a woman captured by an enemy crew or the marines.”

  Nym made a disgusted noise. “Some of the crews allow rape?”

  “Some—not all, and not ours,” he hurried to reassure her. “Not any halfway decent crew, for that matter. Pirates don’t have many laws, but we’re strict about the ones we keep.”

  “He’ll make an exception for you.” Ace’s voice wavered, his confidence not absolute even to his own ears. The way he said the words, it was clear he wanted to believe them, but that even he couldn’t be sure. “He has to. You’re our soulmate.”

  “And I’m useful.”

  Ace and Marco shared another glance. “You don’t have to be useful, babe.” Ace squeezed her hand to offer what comfort he could muster. 

  “But I am,” Nym insisted. “Marco’s right about my family, about our haki I mean. I’m a Swan, so I’ve trained to use it. Plus, I speak a few different languages. I could serve as a ship translator.”

  Ace felt a small bloom of pride in his chest. He and Marco may not think she had to be useful, and he knew his first soulmate agreed with him on that, but she bloody well would be . The translation abilities alone would make her an incredible asset, but with training in how to properly wield haki, it made her all the more valuable. If only the Old Man would see it that way. 

  “And.” Her voice dropped to below a whisper, and Ace had to strain to hear her speak. “And I’ve eaten a Devil Fruit.”

  Well then . 

  The conversation cut short as the Moby Dick came into view. Ace pointed out which ship it was to Nym as they approached. She let out an awed, breathy chuckle. “It’s huge.”

  Firmly trying to steer his mind out of the gutter, he agreed. His hold on her hand tightened briefly before he disentangled their fingers so they could board. He turned to Nym and carefully tucked her long hair into the hood of her cloak, which he then drew until it shadowed her face. Less than five minutes later, they found themselves aboard. A few of the night sentries called out friendly greetings to their group as they passed. Ace, Marco, and Thatch returned them as politely as possible without stopping. They kept to the shadows until they reached the room Ace shared with Marco, then Thatch wished them luck and split off to turn in for the evening. They slipped inside with Marco shutting the door firmly behind them and latching it from the inside. 

  “You can put your things on my desk for now.” Ace pointed toward the far corner as he unstrapped his dagger and laid it on his nightstand. He sleepily removed his hat and necklace, a little drowsy from his interrupted nap. 

  Out tumbled Nym’s hair as she discarded her cloak, the night-black curls completely unruly. She draped it across the back of his chair and set her pack on top of his desk as suggested, shucked off her boots, then flopped onto their bed lazily, looking between the two of them expectantly. “So what’s the plan? I assume I can’t hide away inside of here forever.”

  Marco finally moved from where he’d been hovering by the door to stand in front of Ace’s shelves of belongings and souvenirs. “No, that’s true. All the same, you should stay here until we can speak to Pops about this.”

  “Right.” She sighed. “It’s going to be rather awkward if he says no to you two.”

  “He won’t.” Ace swallowed thickly. “He can’t.”

  “He can ,” Marco disagreed, “but he probably won’t. There’s no real reason to.”

  Ace sat on the edge of his bed with a sigh and leaned over to discard his boots as well. “It’s times like these I wish I was still captain of my own ship.”

  End notes: I'm fully aware that we aren't clear on what happens with Cornelia and Banshee, so I took liberties there with the wiggle room I had considering he did seem to adopt the entire crew of the Spade Pirates. That, and we have Whitey Bay to show that despite his rule, there were a few exceptions to the female combatants stance. I also took that statement at face value and assumed that many of the women who DID work for him did so under a different capacity. As for his reasons, it seems like folks can only speculate, so I added a few of my own. I've also, ah, put in a lot of ideas about Soulmates.

“You don’t mean that.”  Marco’s soft chastisement sounded slightly muffled, as he’d balanced against the wall and bent in half to get out of his sandals. 

  Ace sighed. “No, I don’t.” He allowed himself to fall bonelessly back onto his bed, turning his head to look at Nym. “You should take the bed. Marco and I will sleep on the floor.”

  Nym rolled onto her side to face him. “Why?”

  Ace blinked at her, perplexed. “Because you don’t really know us well.”

  “Fair, but I’m pretty sure I can take on both of you if I have to.” She reached out and hesitantly touched his hand. “Besides, I know you won’t hurt me. I can read both of you and you don’t have any…let’s say nefarious plans. Besides, soulmates can’t harm each other. Doing that would hurt us all.”

  Ah, yes. The fail-safe of being a bonded set, regardless of number. Injuries inflicted by one soulmate on the other would be mirrored on the offending party unless they were done in self-defense, and outright killing your soulmate would only end in one's own death. It did serve as a deterrent toward physically harming your match, though it also seemed rather inconvenient if your match were an evil prick you wanted to be rid of. Soulmates could also harmlessly share memories, emotions, and sensations with each other. Now that particular soulmate ability had various applications, many of which didn’t bear thinking of with the inappropriateness of the moment. 

  Ace couldn’t fight off the smirk that threatened to take over. His other soulmate had fire. “I don’t know that you can take both of us on at the same time, but you’re right, we can’t hurt you.” 

  “But you might still want time to acclimate.” Marco dropped down on Ace’s other side to avoid boxing in Nym and making her feel trapped. “You went from having no soulmate to two in less than an hour and now you’ve agreed to skip town with us. It’s all a bit much for anyone I would think.”

  Nym shrugged. “Maybe. If you were up for it we could always just talk and get to know each other a bit more, but I think you two want to rest.”

  “No kidding.” Ace yawned then got back up, snagging one of his pillows on the way. “We’ll just take the floor. We’ll straighten out the details after a few hours of rest. We’re not set to leave port for another day or so, so we have plenty of time to get to the Old Man before we cast off again.”

  Marco took another of the pillows and set up a makeshift bed next to Ace, pulling him close so that his soulmate’s warm back pressed into his chest. Nym gazed at them as they quickly fell asleep, their quiet breathing filling the room. Despite not knowing each other for long, the inexplicable tug she felt toward them didn’t fade. Soulmates often found themselves drawn to each other even before they touched and their marks activated, though not all met under such strange circumstances. Once their marks activated, an irrevocable link would form between them and there would be nothing and no one that would be able to keep them apart save their own efforts, as they would find a way to stay together. Separating them would be the height of cruelty. Soulmates felt an inborn desire to speak to each other, to touch and be touched by each other, to see and smell each other and be in relatively close proximity. They craved intimacy from each other, whether it be as simple as a kiss or running their fingers through their match’s hair. 

  As much as her two soulmates were strangers, as bizarre as their situation was and as much as she really did wish to know them more, she also felt a longing to join them where they cuddled on the floor, bury her hands in their soft hair and press her face into each of their necks. She fidgeted, trying to get comfortable and eventually falling into an uneasy sleep. 

  Surely things would work out with their captain.

    Surely . 

...

End Notes:

I'm fully aware that we aren't clear on what happens with Cornelia and Banshee, so I took liberties there with the wiggle room I had considering he did seem to adopt the entire crew of the Spade Pirates. That, and we have Whitey Bay to show that despite his rule, there were a few exceptions to the female combatants stance. I also took that statement at face value and assumed that many of the women who DID work for him did so under a different capacity. As for his reasons, it seems like folks can only speculate, so I added a few of my own. I've also, ah, put in a lot of ideas about Soulmates.

[hotheadhero]

Reconcile

“Perhaps you should go to the Goddess Tower and seek her council. Oh, don’t look at me like that! Yes, rumors abound about that place, but it’s also the most private place connected to your goddess here.”

Even as he stands before the entrance of the Goddess Tower with Celica’s advice still fresh on his mind, he can’t bring himself to climb those storied steps and seek divine counsel. For everyone else the tower represents joy, bears witness to fateful promises that will last a lifetime. He has nothing of the sort to make tonight; it would be something like heresy to climb up now. And so he remains at the foot of it, blankly staring up at its peak trying to listen for something he’s never sought out in his life before... and finding, to some distress, nothing at all.

Now, as ever, it would seem he has to muddle through things on his own.

For one normally so hyper, he stands almost statuesque, hand frozen in midair mere inches from the gilded knob. Minutes pass, hours, eons, before he heaves a sigh and, clenching fingers once into a fist, turns away. Exactly what he’d hoped to find here, he doesn’t know... It was stupid of him to even try. Perhaps he’d be better served hunting Linhardt down and apologizing tomorrow. It’s getting late, anyway. Neither of them should be up much longer; and coupling his friend’s general distaste for balls with his own epic (and public) outburst midway through one, chances were just as high the mage had already fled and turned in.

But of course, the goddess still loves her games and whiles. As he trudges back down the short flight of stairs across the cathedral bridge towards his dorm room, who should he find along the way but the very person he wanted most and could least avoid. He looks up precisely when Linhardt does. Their eyes meet. His composure breaks.

Seeing Linhardt again after what feels like ages tears a fresh hole into his psyche. He finds now that all he’s done tonight is delude himself, slap band-aids over his wounds without really assessing their depth. He’s never had any aptitude for healing his physical wounds; whatever made Caspar think he could handle his emotional ones any better? He’s run away from his problems as he always has, never confronting them unless forced; and how it shows when the matter involves someone he can’t run away from, his dear best friend, his fellow student and other half on this same goddess-forsaken campus! The injury is still there, fresh as if he’d torn it now rather than hours prior. It suffocates him, chokes out his power for speech. But speak he must! for he feels the weight of those incredulous accusing eyes on his, near withers under that ocean-ice gaze. Linhardt’s stare is almost frightening when not at their usual half-mast; it pins him like a vampire to the stake. How dare you renounce everything we had? those eyes demand. How dare you go and pretend as if all of this is normal?

“Linhardt, I���”

A wave of emotion crashes over him and drags him under with those two words, as if he’s opened a dam without first seeing how much water it held back. His perfectly rehearsed apology dies in his mouth. He wants to flee but finds himself rooted to drown under the weight of all their past memories. Acceptance. Laughter. Harmless exasperation at Linhardt’s many capricious antics; countless adventures with the other boy in tow. Innumerable times escaping Gilead’s wrath or even Lord Hevring’s. All underscored by an unshakable faith that no matter what he did, Linhardt would always have his back just as Caspar did his. Because they were best friends, brothers from another mother, and they’d never have to fight it out. Because theirs was an unbreakable bond… Up until the moment Linhardt broke it, and everything burned.

(Or was it he who had broken it from the start, and thus he who deserved all the blame? For hadn’t it been Linhardt who’d always had faith in him when even his brother and father did not? Who’d always helped him get back on his feet every time a fight or argument knocked him down? Who’d convinced him he had any shot at any of this when the whole of Enbarr seemed to believe otherwise?)

And he’s my friend besides. He would never lie to me without good reason… Right?

Words fail him as they never do; and Caspar is the first to divert his gaze. His eyes writhe with equal parts anger, guilt, and sorrow. He isn’t blind to the damage he’s done tonight, not at all. He simply doesn’t know how best to make amends.

I can’t deal with this right now.

Then when?

At least you still have the ability to talk to him now. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

(It is Lloyd’s words that finally rouse him to action, his spiritual older brother with the wise haggard eyes. He can’t allow himself to go the way of Linus, to see Linhardt or himself part ways forever without ever learning the truth.)

“… Why?” he manages at last. It’s a loaded question, far weightier than its one syllable deserves. Why did you lie to me? Why did you break our promise?

Why did you go and leave me behind?

Narrow fingers clench tighter in his palms ‘til they blanche. It's a pain and atonement far too small, he thinks. Pathetic, something hisses inside. Seething with thoughts unvoiced, you dig your own grave even deeper. Did you ever think you deserved such a friend? Dare you think you deserve any at all, after what you yourself did to your best and first most faithful friend?

“I don’t understand.” Not you, not myself. He addresses the air, not his friend’s face; his words drag forth from him, quiet and ragged for what he fears he’s about to hear. ”I thought you wanted me to stay away from you. Grow up, since I haven’t with you always close by. Isn’t that why you left the Eagles for the Deer? Because I’ve done something seriously wrong?”

How it hurts to admit that aloud; but that’s the only thing that can explain all this. Why else would Linhardt dodge his questions and accuse him like that when all he’d done was listen to what he thought he wanted? Ten long years they’ve been friends; he’d thought by now he knew Linhardt’s mind like the back of his hand. Clearly he was in the wrong—and if he’d been wrong about that, what else had he been wrong about? Had he ever really known Linhardt at all?

“I…” Caspar sighs. Head unmoving, his eyes flick up towards the other’s face; but this position makes the back of his eyes ache and so he forces himself to properly meet the mage’s eyes. ”I still don’t think you gave me an honest answer back there, so tell me now. Obviously you didn’t leave the ball early like all the other ones back in Enbarr, so why are you here? Come to tell me off? Go on; I can take it.” Yet his gaze slips sideways again. ”It’s probably nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Oh, but can he? His own words conjure up all manner of past demons – just as they had with Celica, but worse. A formless beast, bearing at times his brother’s face, at others his father’s, appears in his mind’s eye, sinister, venomous. Spiteful. Even Linhardt’s face appears there once, he thinks; and that possibility terrifies him. Julian was right, you know, it whispered, words sinking into his mind like the poisoned claws sinking deep to his bones. You weak, stupid, reckless, irrational cunt. Unworthy of the peerage, let alone of your family’s coveted title. You will never make anything of yourself other than an abject mess. To convince yourself otherwise is the highest of follies. Desist, now. Everyone will be happier with you out of the way.

“If everything you’ve ever done for me was from some misguided sense of pity, then stop. I’m not worth it. Maybe I’ve never been. Not like you.” (Goddess damn it, his hands are shaking; but he can bear it all; he must!) “Just tell it to me straight whether you want me to leave or stay, because whatever we’re not telling each other definitely isn’t helping.”

Honestly, even contemplating the possibility that he could lose his decade-long friend, could already have lost him with his own foolishness, pains him terribly, but maybe things would be better that way. Even if the closure he so desires is spit in his face like his brother’s slander (and Linhardt would be justified in such after what he’s starting to think was an unjustified rant), surely it will be enough to let him move on. Caspar’s sure he can bounce back; he always has… But it will be a damn sight harder without his old friend at his side.

(He’s still not looking at him. He’s too afraid to see what's surely there.)

@linhcrdt

[rejectedusername-trashfics]

One Shot Everything’s Going to be Alright

Summary: Ryan wasn’t born what he wanted to be. But he has a wonderful boyfriend with the Fake AH Crew to support him. Then, he’s not careful and he and his boyfriend have to deal with the consequence for the rest their lives. Maybe, the consequence won’t turn out to be bad at all.

Word Count: 9,064

Pairing: Gavin/Ryan

AO3

The Vagabond was the most terrifying man in Los Santos. He had a lot of pent up anger and distaste for the world, and he thought being a killer for hire, a mercenary, would be a productive way to get it out of his system. He was very angry with the world mostly because he was not born into the right body. The Vagabond, James Ryan Haywood, had actually been born Jane Ryley Haywood.

When he had tried to come out to his parents as a boy, they brushed him off, claiming that it was just a tomboy phase. He ran away from his home in Georgia and off to Los Santos after that. He had partnered up with another girl he met in Los Santos, who went by Dollface, and worked with her for quite a few years. A time went on, Ryan’s name as the Vagabond grew. Eventually, the girl joined an all-girl gang, called the Los Santos Sirens, and Ryan and his partner separated. The two still kept in touch, anyway.

Even with the Vagabond working solo, the notoriety and fear that came with the reputation he’d built continued to grow. Eventually, jobs offered by the infamous Fake AH Crew landed on his desk. He was honored to be getting bigger jobs like this. After about three jobs with the crew, he was asked to join them full time. He gladly accepted, he thought maybe this crew could be the family he always should have had. Though, he never planned to come out as trans to them, hoping they would only ever know him as Ryan.

Th crew offered him a room in their penthouse, which he gladly accepted. He sold off his apartment so he could start HRT. He had begun to grow more facial hair and have more muscle definition. His more defined masculine looks caught the attention of the Golden Boy, Gavin Free. Gavin had no idea what Ryan spent his heist money on, so he began to treat Ryan. That led to the two of them having feeling for each other

The two of them eventually started dating and there was a sense of harmony throughout the penthouse, considering everyone saw it coming. The only thing that was slightly confusing about the relationship to Gavin was that Ryan refused to get physically intimate with him nor would he ever let him see him naked. Gavin assumed that was because Ryan was asexual or something. Gavin learned the real reason when he walked in on Ryan changing.

He saw Ryan with a binder on. Ryan saw Gavin and quickly put his shirt back on and tried to run. Gavin locked the door, not allowing him run. He quickly assured him that his physical parts don’t change the fact that he still sees him as Ryan. Ryan blinked in surprise, smiled, and the encounter finally turned intimate, after that. Thus, the two of them began to have a very active sex life.

Gavin was with Ryan for every step of his transition after that, as well. He would go pick up his HRT and feminine supplies, until Ryan stopped needing them. He took care of him when he was recovering from Top surgery. He had even started looking into who the best surgeon for Bottom surgery in the country was, for Ryan. Everything was going well, until the crew got super busy and Ryan missed his monthly HRT shot…

 8 WEEKS

 After Ryan had missed his HRT, he decided to wait until after he got his period again before he started it back up. When it didn’t come, at first, he assumed it was because of leftover hormones in his system. Then, he started to constantly feel nauseous. This caused irrational paranoia to set in. One May afternoon, Ryan decided to test if his irrational paranoia was actually correct.

He sat patiently on the toilet, waiting for the results of his third pregnancy test. The first two had come back positive, be he wasn’t going to believe them until he had three tests to tell him that he actually was pregnant.

The third one finally gave him a positive result. He gasped, he didn’t think that something like this would ever happen to him. He dropped his head in his hands and sighed, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He had always wanted kids one day, but had had given up on that when he decided to become a mercenary and started HRT.

Suddenly, he heard a knocking on the bathroom door. “RYAN,” Lindsay’s voice called out. “YOU ALMOST DONE IN THERE? CAUSE I HAVE TO PEE.”

Ryan quickly grabbed the pregnancy tests and shoved them in his pocket. He got up and unlocked the bathroom door. “Sorry,” he apologized.

“It’s okay, but can you not block the bathroom so I can use it?”

Ryan nodded and began to shuffle out of the way. “Do you know where Gavin is?”

“Lads are playing Hitman in the living room,” Lindsay quickly replied as she slammed the bathroom door shut.

Ryan took a deep breath and sighed, he knew what he had to do next. He walked over to the living room to see the lads trying to outdo each other with creative assassinations in the game. He tapped Gavin in the shoulder. “Gavin, we need to talk,” he started.

“Not right now,” Gavin quickly replied, not looking up from the TV screen.

“Or you could do it right now,” Michael popped in.

“Distracting Gavin would make things easier for us,” Jeremy added.

“I think I found out why I’ve been nauseous lately,” Ryan continued, ignoring everyone.

“Yeah, Gavin’s ugly face,” Michael joked.

“Oh, come off it,” Gavin retorted. “What actually is it, love?”

“It’s something I need to tell you in private,” Ryan finished, emphasizing the need to do this privately.

“Can it wait until after this?”

Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed. “No,” he answered as he picked Gavin up off of the couch, slung him over his shoulder, and marched out and to their room. Once he got there, he set Gavin down and closed the door.

“RYAN, WHAT THE HELL?!” Gavin angrily demanded.

Ryan sighed, this was the moment of truth. “You know I missed my HRT back in February, right?” he asked.

“Yah, and you were gonna wait until you got your period again. I know this, already!”

“But, it never came.”

“Probably cause leftover hormones.

“I think I know what my nausea is,” Ryan said, to get back to the point.

“Right, but I don’t see what that has to do with,”

“It’s morning sickness!” he finally spat out.

Gavin raised eyebrows. “Ryan, you’re being irrationally paranoi-,” Ryan grabbed the positive pregnancy tests out of his jacket and threw them at Gavin. One of them hit him in the face and fell into his lap. He saw that it was a pregnancy test and gagged, “Oh my god, you hit me with sticks you peed on!”

“Look closer at them,”’ Ryan demanded.

Gavin forced himself to stop gagging so he could take a closer look. He looked closer at the one that fell on his lap and saw that it was positive. “Ryan,” then he looked back up at him, “oh Ryan, what are you going to do?” he asked.

“What am I going to do? What are we going to do?! Cause I sure as fuck ain’t going through this, alone.”

Gavin looked down and sighed. “Right.”

“So, what do you think, Gavin?”

Gavin looked back up and sighed. “Well, ever since Michael and Lindsay had their little Sophie, I had been wanting a little sprog of my own. But since you started your,”

“Then we keep it,” Ryan interrupted.

“Ryan,”

“Look, I always wanted a biological kid, myself. I gave up on that idea for the same reasons as you. Now, this could be our only shot at this, so I’m not giving it up. I can go back to my transition afterwards.”

Gavin’s face lit up with excitement. “Ryan, we’re going to be parents!” he exclaimed as he got up and rushed over to Ryan to give him a kiss. He stopped as he pulled Ryan into an embrace, “wait, but this means you’re gonna have to come out to the crew,” he pointed out.

“We’ll,” Ryan stopped and sighed, “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Gavin nodded. “Oh, Ryan,” he cooed as he pulled Ryan into a deep kiss. This was going to be an interesting rest of the year, but they knew it was going to be alright.

 14 WEEKS

 Things had begun to change for Ryan in ways. Raging hormones had made Ryan much more irritable. Gavin was afraid at first, but mood swings immediately flipped the emotion switch and Ryan would apologize for his poor behavior. Ryan had also become constantly tired. Constant exhaustion and irritability made the interrogations Ryan conducted much more sinister and hostile.

A more noticeable change was Ryan’s cravings. He had desired odd combinations such as pickles and ice cream. Ryan had hated pickles before the pregnancy, but couldn’t get enough of them, now. Though even with all the other changes, he still had his thing for diet coke. Gavin had to step in after reading that caffeine was bad during pregnancy. Ryan reluctantly agreed to switch to caffeine-free diet coke for the time being.

The most noticeable change was that Ryan started to gain some pudge around his stomach. When Gavin pointed this out and went to pat Ryan’s belly, his hand got smacked away. He was self-conscious about anyone recognizing his pregnancy. He already wore looser shirts so he could hide it, he still wasn’t ready for the crew to know about it.

The only other crew member who knew about Ryan’s pregnancy was Lindsay. Ryan had already come out to Lindsay as FTM trans a while ago, and the only reason he told her that he was pregnant, was because she had found empty pregnancy test boxes in the bathroom that weren’t hers. She promised Ryan that she wouldn’t tell anyone.

An afternoon in early June, was when Ryan suggested that he and Gavin go out to meet his old friend, his first partner in crime in Los Santos. They planned on asking her to be their child’s godparent since Ryan wasn’t comfortable sharing his pregnancy with Geoff. He and Gavin were walking to the door when Ryan stopped and took a whiff of the air and smelled something divine.

“Love?” Gavin asked to try and get Ryan’s attention.

“What is that?” Ryan asked as he turned towards the smell. He saw Michael and Jeremy eating something at the kitchen table.

“Fried pickles, dude,” Michael answered as he shoved one in his mouth.

Ryan quickly walked over to the table, “May I have one?” he asked, gingerly, as he got to the table.

“Sure,” Jeremy answered.

He picked one of and took a bite. His eyes blew up, wide at the taste. He moaned in pleasure at the taste. “Oh, deese ah orgammic,” he gushed with his mouth full of pickle.

“Ryan, we’re going to be late for lunch. And I’m sure the place we’re going has fried pickles,” Gavin called out in an attempt to get Ryan’s attention again.

Ryan quickly turned back to Gavin, “Right,” he acknowledged as ha ran back over to Gavin. The two of them exited the penthouse.

20 minutes later they arrived at a diner, Last Train in Los Santos. Gavin scanned the front patio for any possible hostiles, when he spotted a familiar purple haired woman in glasses looking over the menu. Gavin began to shake as Ryan spotted her, as well. “MEG!” Ryan called out to get her attention and started to wave.

The woman looked up from her menu and smiled, wide, as she saw Ryan. “RYAN!” she cheered as she got up to give him a huge hug.

Gavin began to shake more violently. “You’re… you’re…”

Ryan started to rub Gavin’s back. “Gavin, this is Meg, my best friend outside of the crew.”

“And you’re Gavin. I’ve heard all about you from what Ryan’s told me. And seeing you in person is only proving that Ryan has good taste in men,” Meg compliment.

“You’re Dollface?” Gavin asked this time.

“Yep,” she confirmed.

Gavin grabbed Ryan’s hand and shook harder. “Ryan, she’s Dollface!”

“Breath sweetheart, I know that,” he instructed. “We’ve known each other since long before the names, Dollface or Vagabond, meant anything.”

“Yeah, and it’s been Ryan’s persuasive reasoning that stops the Los Santos Sirens from starting anything with the Fakes,” Meg added in an attempt to calm Gavin down. Gavin’s eye’s widened in surprise that Ryan had been preventing crew conflict.  He took a deep breath and sighed. “Right then, do we want to go back and sit down? I already have a table for us,” she finished as she began to walk back to her table.

“Sitting down sounds like a dream right now. Come on, Gavin,” he commented as he took Gavin’s hand and followed Meg.

Gavin looked at how honest, caring, and cheerful Dollface was right now. He could see why Ryan had remained friends with Dollface, no, Meg, for so long. “Right, so what’s good on the menu?” he asked as he and Ryan sat down.

“Quick question though, does this place have fried pickles,” Ryan quickly asked.

“They do, but I thought you hated pickles,” Meg commented.

“Normally, I do hate them, but I’m actually rather fond of them at the moment.”

“Ha! You wouldn’t like pickles unless you were pregnant,” she joked.

“Well…” Ryan trailed off as he began to rub his arm, nervously. Gavin grabbed his hand and be began to rub circles in it to comfort him.

Meg looked up and saw the affection. Her eyes widened. “Oh my god, you are. Oh my god, Ryan!” she cheered as she quickly got up and gave Ryan a hug. “Congratulations!”

“Thank you,” he replied, graciously.

“You have to tell me all the details,” Meg demanded as she sat back down.

“Well, the little one is due in December,” Gavin started.

“And before you ask, no, we haven’t told the crew.” Ryan clarified.

“Oh,” Meg replied, sadly.

“But, Ryan, here, wanted us to ask you something,” Gavin filled back in.

“What is it?” Meg asked Ryan.

“Well, I wanted to do more than just tell you, I’m pregnant,” Ryan started.

“Well, what else is there?”

“I wanted Gavin, here, to meet you because I wanted him to know the person we were gonna be asking to be the godparent.”

Meg’s mouth dropped in shock, “Me?”

“Yes, you. If… you’d be okay with that.”

“Holy shit, I would love to be Mini Meg’s godmother!”

Gavin twisted his head in confusion and Ryan snorted. “Mini Meg, really?” Ryan asked with a smirk.

“That has to be its name now.”

Ryan sighed and smiled. He looked over at Gavin, and Gavin smiled in return. They both knew everything was going to be alright.

 18 WEEKS

 As expected with pregnancy, Ryan’s body continued to change. He continued to grow sleepier, and he couldn’t tell if it was psychosomatic of not, but he swore we was starting to feel movement in his lower abdomen. Gavin began to grow uneasy about Ryan going out to do missions for the crew, even offering to teach Ryan some hacking techniques. Ryan refused at first, claiming that he was still fit to do his work as crew muscle. Gavin finally demanded that Ryan take a break from missions after he got grazed by a bullet in the shoulder.

Ryan said he still needed to exercise, though. He asked Gavin to go weightlifting with him at the gym, saying that maybe they could try to switch roles in the crew. Ryan would be the lead hacker while Gavin could get to be the crew muscle. Gavin happily agreed to those terms.

Ryan’s stomach continued to expand, beginning to look more like a baby belly, rather than a pot belly. Gavin had a greater desire to pet Ryan’s stomach, and would ask permission before he tried anything. Ryan was very reluctant to agree, seeing as he was very self-conscious about his pregnancy and still hiding it from the rest of the crew.

In mid/late July, Gavin had stepped out to work out a negotiation. Ryan waited on the couch, patiently, for him back at the penthouse. As the hours passed, Ryan dozed off. He had been fast asleep, so he didn’t hear footsteps approaching the couch. “Ryan?” a voice asked. Ryan continued to snore. “RYAN!” the voice yelled to wake him up.

“GGGAAAAHHHH!” Ryan yelped as he jumped. He looked to see who had woken him up, to see it was Geoff. “Yes?” he asked, with a yawn.

“So, Gavin asked me not to put you on any missions,” Geoff started.

“I know,” he replied, groggily.

“And, I was wondering if everything is okay with the two of you. I mean, is he trying to be too controlling or something? Cause I’ve seen him try to control your actions, even seen him trying to control your diet.”

Ryan blinked and sat up. “Everything’s fine between us. He just wants me to be healthy.”

“Well, I’m not sure it’s working ‘cause it looks to me like you’ve been eating a bit on the side with that beer belly you started rockin’ there,” Geoff commented as he went to go poke Ryan’s stomach.

Ryan quickly swatted Geoff’s hand away. “DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!! I CAN’T DRINK ALCOHOL ANYWAY! CAN’T AND WON’T!!!” then he got up. “I’m going back to my room, don’t follow me,” he demanded as he shuffled away. Geoff just sighed.

20 minutes later Gavin came back. “RYAN, I’M BACK!” then he looked around and saw Geoff sitting on the couch, alone. “Where’s Ryan, I thought he’d be waiting there for me,” he asked as he walked over to Geoff.

“I asked him what you were doing to make him stress eat so much, on the side, and he wouldn’t tell me,” Geoff started.

“Oh no…”

“And when I went to poke his beer belly, he swatted my hand away and ran off. So, tell me, Gavin, what are you doing to him that’s making him do this to himself?”

“I…” then Gavin sighed, “I can’t tell you.”

“Seriously!?”

“I want to bloody tell you!” he cried, “but, I promised Ryan I wouldn’t tell a soul. This whole ordeal is a lot bigger that it may seem on the surface!”

“Well if it that big of a deal, you better tell me before Ryan gets any bigger!”

Gavin sighed again, “I know,” he said to himself. “Listen, I’ll go talk to Ryan, but you have to get the whole crew together. We’re gonna need to fill the whole crew in.”

“Got it,” Geoff confirmed with a thumb up.

Gavin found Ryan in his room sitting in his bed with his face in a pillow. “Rye?” he asked as he walked in.

Ryan lifted his head to reveal a damp face and red eyes. “Gav?” he choked.

“Oh, Rye-bread,” he replied softly as he walked over to the bed and got on to hold Ryan. Ryan smiled softly at the nickname. “What happened, love?”

Ryan frowned again. “Geoff called me fat, then tried to poke our little one.”

“Oh love, it will be okay,” Gavin comforted. Ryan snorted mucus back into his nose, in response. “But, the little one is starting to grow big.”

Ryan sighed glumly, “I know.”

“I think it might be time we tell everyone about the little guy.”

“But, but, that would mean,” Ryan began to shake in fear.

“I know what it means love. But, we prepared for this.”

“Hey,” a voice, Michael’s, came from the other side of the door, “are you guys coming? We heard you had an announcement.”

“Well, it looks like this is it. You ready?” Ryan nodded, sadly. “BE THERE IN A MINUTE!” Gavin called back as he rolled off of the bed. “Need help getting up?” Ryan shook his head and slid off the bed. “Do you want me to grab your senior yearbook?”

“I got it,” Ryan answered as he walked over to his desk, sighed, and grabbed his yearbook.

Then Gavin held out his hand. “You ready, love?” he asked again.

Ryan sighed one more time, “as ready as I’ll ever be,” he finished as he took Gavin’s hand. The two of them walked out of the room.

They entered the crew meeting room to find the main crew sitting around the table. “So, you have a big announcement, I hear,” Jack stated.

Ryan looked nervously at Gavin and he gave him reassuring look to let him know that it would be okay. Ryan gulped. “I uh, wanted to show you my senior yearbook photo,” he announced as he began flipping through the yearbook to find his photo.

“Ugh, lame!” Jeremy groaned.

Ryan rolled his eyes at that and put the book, opened to the page with his senior portrait, down on the table and pointed to his photo. The crew gathered around to look.

“Jane Ryley Haywood?” Michael read, “I didn’t know you had a sister.”

“It’s interesting to see your sister’s portrait, but where’s yours?” Jack asked.

Ryan took a deep breath and sighed, this was finally it. “I, I don’t have a sister.”

“Then who’s,” Michael began to ask.

“It’s my portrait. Jane Ryley is me, who I used to be,” Ryan took another deep breath. “My whole life, I thought I was born in the wrong body. I wanted to fix that when I moved to Los Santos,”

“So, you’re trans?” Jeremy asked. Ryan nodded gingerly to answer. “You know, that’s actually pretty cool.”

Geoff’s eyebrows furrowed, “and know you’re leaving the crew,” he guessed.

Ryan’s head shot up and his eyes looked like they were beginning to water. “What?” he asked as he begun to shake with fear.  

Gavin tried to hold Ryan, “Geoff, please don’t kick him out of the crew,” he pleaded.

“I’m not,” Geoff started. “Kdin left the crew the day after she came out to the crew as a woman, I can only assume Ryan’s doing the same thing.”

Ryan sighed in relieve at the fact that he wasn’t being kicked out. “Geoff, no. I was already in my true, male, identity when I joined the crew. And Kdin left because the Los Santos Sirens offered her a job to do exactly what she wanted to be doing. It was nothing against you,” he informed Geoff.

“So, you’re not planning on leaving the crew?”

“I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.”

“Alright then.”

“Congrats on coming out,” Jeremy cheered in support. The rest of the crew clapped along as well.

Ryan smiled and Gavin rubbed his back, “You did it love,” he congratulated.

“Ha, now that you have the stress of hiding in the closet gone, you can work on losing that stress weight,” Geoff commented.

Ryan’s eye’s widened again and he looked back to Gavin for reassurance. “It’s alright, love. You did the hard part, so this part should be easy in comparison.”

Ryan nodded and took a deep breath. “I… can’t lose this weight right now…”

“Why not?”

“I uh… can’t lose it till December.”

“Wait, let me guess,” Jeremy started, “you have a stomach tumor and you’re getting it removed in December.”

Ryan did a double face palm and Gavin sighed. “Don’t call ‘em a tumor,” he whined

“I just came out as FTM transsexual, and you think I came out because I have stomach cancer?!” Ryan demanded.

“Then, what is it?”

“Take a wild guess!”

Jeremy looked at Ryan confused. Then, Michael looked Ryan up and down, “Ryan, are you… pregnant?” he asked.

Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”

“Ryan and I are having a baby! We’re gonna be parents!” Gavin cheerfully announced.

The rest of the crew began clapping wildly. “Congratulations!”  Jack congratulated.

“I guess that means I’m a granddad, now,” Geoff laughed.

“Sophie’s gonna have a buddy on the crew!” Michael cheered as he ran over to Gavin and gave him a noogie, “I can’t believe Golden Boy knocked the Vagabond up,” he teased as he gave him the noogie.

“Micool!” Gavin complained.

Ryan looked over and chuckled. Gavin’s eyes met his and they both smiled, they knew everything was going to be alright.

 20 WEEKS

 Coming out to the crew was a huge weight off of Ryan’s shoulders. He was a lot more eager to learn Gavin’s hacking techniques, and Gavin was happy to teach. Ryan was also happy to help Gavin train to become more adept at intimidating people during interrogations, even teaching him how to throw knives. He even helped Gavin train at the gym until his stomach rounded, had grown a bit too large, and he no longer has the energy to teach or do intense work outs. He asked Michael to step in as a trainer and he happily obliged.

As Ryan’s stomach continued to grow, Ryan had to find even larger shirts and switch to sweatpants. He wasn’t as self-conscious about it after he came out, but he still wasn’t a fan of anyone touching his stomach. This was why Ryan had postponed his ultrasound. He knew he was pregnant, but the thought of another living being growing inside of him was a bit to freaky for him. He didn’t want a photo reminder of the fact that he was pregnant.

Since the only doctor Ryan saw outside of Andy, the crew doctor, was his OB/GYN. Ryan was pretty reluctant to visit his gynecologist, but he knew that he still had to go see her to check up on the baby and so he and Gavin could figure out the sex of their child. So, Gavin scheduled Ryan’s appointment for an ultrasound, the first week of August.

Gavin opened the door to the doctor’s office, and held it open for Ryan. When Ryan wasn’t moving towards the door, he got worried. “You alright, love? Can you not walk?” he asked, concerned.

Ryan groaned, “I can walk, I just don’t want to be here.”

Gavin old his eyes, “oh, come off it.” He then went to go grab Ryan’s wrist and drag him into the office. “We should have done this at 18 weeks, but we were too busy coming out to the crew, yah.”   Ryan groaned, once more. The two of them walked to the receptionist’s desk. “Excuse us, we’re here for Mr. Haywood’s 1:30 appointment for an ultrasound,” he informed her.

The receptionist looked at her computer to check Ryan in. “I have you down,” she started. Then she looked him up and down, “though, I don’t understand why a man would go to a gynecologist’s office for an ultrasound.”

Ryan gave a small smile at her obliviousness. “It’s a, uh, small exception.”

She raised her eyebrow, “alright. Just have a seat and the doctor will come get you when she’s ready for you.”

“Come on, love,” Gavin directed Ryan to one of the seats in the waiting room. Ryan grumbled as he walked over to the seats. Gavin rubbed Ryan’s back as he joined him. “Aren’t you excited to find out what we’re having, though?”

“We’re having a baby, we already know that.”

“No, I mean whether we’re having a boy or a girl.”

Ryan scowled. “We won’t know whether they’re a boy or a girl until they know whether they’re a boy or a girl or something else.”

Gavin shook his head, “no, no, I didn’t mean gender,” he clarified. Ryan jut sighed in response.

15 minutes later, a woman doctor with long, blonde hair stepped out. “Mr. Haywood?” she called out.

“Over here,” Gavin called out.

She nodded, “Come on back, the room’s all set up,” she informed them as she motioned for them to follow her. Gavin stood up and grabbed Ryan’s hand. Ryan sighed and stood up, as well. the two of them followed the doctor. “How are you feeling?” she asked Ryan.

“I hate what pregnancy is doing to me,” he admitted.

“And why’s that?”

“I’m not allowed to do my job, and even if I was, I’d be too tired to do anything. I’m an emotional train-wreck. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t hate the cravings if thy weren’t making me even fatter. I pass gas a lot more than I used to, and that’s just embarrassing.”

“It’s not really that bad, Rye,” Gavin reassured him.

“You won’t let me be the little spoon because you don’t want me to fart on you! And it’s starting to get difficult for me to be the big spoon,” Ryan complained.

“Well…” Gavin’ face went red with embarrassment.

The group arrived at the room for the ultrasound. “Alright, here we are,” she informed the group, “Ryan, you lay down on the exam table,” she instructed. Ryan sighed and followed directions. Gavin went in to follow him, but the doctor stopped him. “Can I assume that you’re the baby’s father?” she asked him.

“Yeah, I’m Gavin, the baby’s, uh, other father,” he corrected her.

“Right, I should have known that. My apologizes. I’m Dr. Atkinson,” she introduced herself, at the end.

“Pleasure,” Gavin greeted back, offering a hand to shake. The two of them walked into the room.

Dr. Atkinson walked over to Ryan and grabbed the ultrasound gel. “Can you lift up your shirt, for me?” she asked him.

He whined and looked at Gavin. “I promise not to look at your tummy,” Gavin promised. Ryan sighed and lifted his shirt.

The doctor squirted lubricating jelly onto Ryan’s stomach. “Jesus! Why is that so cold?!” he demanded.

“Just relax,” she assured him as she began to rub the ultrasound transducer on the lubricated area. Images of the fetus began to appear on the television screen beside her. Ryan’s eyes were transfixed on his stomach.

Gavin’s eyes skipped over Ryan and looked at the screen. His eyes lit up as soon as he saw the fetus. His smile grew wide as he began to wave at the screen. “Hi, little guy. Can’t wait to meet you,” he told the image.

“Gavin, I thought you said you wouldn’t look at my stomach!” Ryan growled.

“I’m not looking at you, you dunce! I’m looking at our baby, through the ultrasound,” Gavin quickly fired back. “Why aren’t you looking, too? It’s quite extraordinary, getting to see our baby.”

“I…,” then Ryan took a deep breath and finally looked at the screen, as well. His serious expression melted the second, he saw his baby. “I… wow!” he breathed out with a smiled. “You’re going to be my world,” he told the screen.

Gavin looked at Ryan and smirked. “That’s a big title you put on the baby,” he commented.

Ryan rolled his eyes, then looked back at Gavin. “Our world,” he corrected himself.

Gavin sighed and shook his head, “right.”

Dr. Atkinson, who had been looking at the television screen, look at Ryan and Gavin. “Well, everything seems to be looking normal with the baby. Everything’s right on track for their December due date. Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” she asked.

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Ryan told her.

“Well, I’d like to know,” Gavin commented.

Ryan shook his head and sighed, “then, let’s hear it,” he relented.

Sex and gender were touchy subjects for Ryan. He didn’t see the importance of know which set of genitals his child had, seeing as his gender identity may not end up matching them. Or the child could end up normal, nobody really knew for sure. He was just glad he got to see his baby as best he could. It only took one look at the child for him to know that everything was going to be alright.

 25 WEEKS

 As the little baby grew within Ryan larger, the child became very active. The kid would constantly be moving around, wiggling and kicking Ryan’s organs around. Ryan had to pee a lot more because his bladder was constant target for kicking practice. The child’s constant movement was starting to keep Ryan awake more, but he still didn’t mind any of it. The beginning of September came, and Ryan was spending most of his time either in the tech room, the bathroom peeing, or snoozing in his room.

Fakehaus members, Bruce and James were visiting the crew one day in mid-September. They were hoping to work out some territory disputes. They decided not to make this a formal meeting, opting to have it in the living room to make it more casual.

Geoff and Bruce sat in chairs facing each other, while Gavin and James sat on the couch in the middle.

“Look, your crew has control over South Los Santos, what more do you want?” Geoff asked.

“South Los Santos is predominantly African American, and we’re kinda a crew of white guys,” James pointed out as he played with his knife.

“How about East Los Santos, then?” Gavin proposed.

“We were actually thinking a bit of upper class stuff. Like maybe parts of Rockford Hills?” Bruce requested.

“I’m not sure that,” Geoff was cut off.

“Ryan, what are you doing!?” Gavin quietly demanded at the larger man quietly walking out and toward the kitchen.

“Sprog’s being rowdy. Figured diet coke might calm him down,” Ryan yawned.    

“Wait, Is that you, Vagabond?” Bruce asked, surprise.

Ryan’s eyes widened as soon as he realized he was being called out. “I…”

“Holy shit Vagabond, you’re huge! what made you blow up like a balloon?” James commented, next.

Ryan took a deep breath. “Don’t worry about it,” he breathed out.

“No seriously, what happened to you?” Bruce pressed.

Ryan scowled. “It’s none of your goddamn business what happened,” he stated firmly.

“If it wasn’t impossible, I’d say you looked preg,”

Before Bruce could finish his statement, Gavin snatched James’s knife away from him and threw it at the wall, getting everyone’s attention. Everyone’s eye grew wide as it embedded itself in the wall. “ENOUGH!” Gavin screeched. Everyone turned to face Gavin. “Vagabond, run back to your room. I will get your diet coke,” he instructed as he stood up. Ryan nodded and did as he was told. “And I believe everyone ELSE was negotiating territory. So, get back to it, yah.” Everyone nodded, nervously, “good.”

He grabbed the diet coke from the kitchen and walked back to Ryan’s room. Ryan was rubbing his stomach, “Ow,” he yelped quietly as the baby continued to kick his insides around.

“Love,” he cooed as he walked over to Ryan. “I brought your diet coke,” he said as he handed Ryan the can. Ryan tried to sit up enough that he could drink. He brought the can to his lips and took a few big gulps. The baby continued to move around and Ryan winced. “Still rambunctious?” he asked. Ryan nodded. Gavin quickly thought of an idea. “I have an idea of something else that might help. May I rub your tummy?” he asked.

“Baby, after a knife throw like that, you can do whatever the fuck you want to me,” Ryan answered in a raspy, attempted sexy, voice. Gavin began to rub Ryan’s stomach and the baby calmed down. “Ooh, yeah.”

Gavin raised an eyebrow as he rubbed Ryan’s stomach, “Ryan are you turned on?”

“Mm, yeah. To tired and fat to act on it. I missed the days when we fucked like savage animals.”

Gavin sighed, “I miss them too.”

“Can’t wait till I have a massive cock for you to bounce on,” Ryan lazily smirked.

“Ryan, you tease,” then, Gavin realized what Ryan had just said and he tilted his head in curiosity. “Wait, you’re still planning on that sex change?”

“Absolutely. This pregnancy is a onetime thing. If we actually want more kids after this one, I gonna have ta freeze my eggs,” he mumbled.

Gavin’s eyes grew wide. “Wait, you can do that!?”

“Yah, did… research…,” Ryan told him as he fell asleep.

Gavin continued to pet Ryan’s baby belly. The door to the room suddenly reopened. “Yo Gav, you coming back or,” Geoff started.

“SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” Gavin shushed Geoff and motioned to a sleeping Ryan.

“So, I take that as a no, then?” Geoff asked more quietly this time.

Gavin scowled and grabbed the knife that was sitting on the nightstand next to the bed. He chucked it at the door and Geoff quickly dodged out of the way and slammed the door close. Ryan, who wasn’t completely asleep anymore, smirked. With a partner who was willing to protect him like that, he knew everything was going to be alright.

 34 WEEKS

 Ryan was reaching the point where he tired of what pregnancy was doing to him. First of all, he was tired of being tired all the time. The odd cravings normally wouldn’t have bothered him, but he wasn’t looking forward to all of the excess weight he was going to need to lose.  He was huge because he was pregnant; his stomach protruded a good seven/seven-and-a half inches and could barely walk straight anymore. His bust had grown back to an A-cup and he absolutely hated it. He hated the constant reminder that he was biologically female and he thought he couldn’t wait for this kid to be out of him.

But, there were still a few things he was thankful for about his situation. He was thankful he had a wonderful crew to back him up. Michael was able to offer legitimate fatherly advice, helping his boi on his transition into fatherhood. Geoff wept tears of joy when they showed him ultrasound pic of the little one, saying how proud he was to be a grandfather, no matter how unofficial it was. He was thankful for Gavin, a loving boyfriend and amazing father to be. He waited on Ryan, hand and foot, and comforted Ryan in his hormonal, emotional needs. Not a day passed where Ryan wasn’t given a reason not to be madly in love with him. And as annoying as they were, Ryan was thankful for the child they were going to have. The constant activity was only proof the Ryan that the kid was clearly his and Gavin’s.

At the beginning of November, the crew planned to throw Ryan a baby shower. Gavin thought Ryan would hate the idea at first, but Ryan thought it would be a good excuse to introduce the crew to their child’s godmother. Geoff was slightly bitter about not being named the kid’s godfather, but he was willing to accept it.

The baby shower was being held at a safehouse in Morningwood. Ryan and Gavin were frosting the baby shower cake in the kitchen with Ryan sneaking little tastes of the frosting in between, Michael and Jeremy were tying balloons around the living room, Jack was setting up snacks on a table to the side, and Geoff was turning the cushioned chair in the living room into a thrown fit for a king who happened to be pregnant, complete with a ripped paper crown.

“Ooh,” Ryan whined in pain.

“Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” Gavin quickly asked.

“Nothing, nothing,” Ryan quickly reassured, “Just a rather painful kick to the bladder. I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he clarified.

“Need help?”

“I think I can still make it. I still have some use in me,” Ryan replied with a smile. He started to waddle away towards the bathroom.  Gavin smiled fondly as he finished icing the cake on his own.

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang. “Is that an intruder?” Geoff asked, panicked.

“No, no. it’s probably Meg,” Gavin announced as he rushed over to the front door. He checked the front window, then opened the front door with glee. “Meg!” he greeted, happily, as he went in for a hug.

“How are you, Gavy?” she asked as she hugged back.

“Top.”

“Is Ryan inside?”

“Yah. The sprog’s playing kickball with his bladder, again.”

“Daw.”

“Well, would you like to come in or,” Gavin was interrupted be the sounds of guns, cocking. He turned around to see everyone has their guns pointed at the front door. “Guys,” he whined in disappointment.

“Get out of the way, Gavin!” Geoff demanded in anger.

“What are you on about? Why do you have your guns out? Why do you even have them with you!? Ryan told you not to bring them!”

“Don’t you dare let that siren in here,” he instructed, ignoring Gavin.

“She’s not gonna do any harm, she’s just here for the baby shower.”

“Do you really expect us to believe that,” Jack questioned with a scowl on his face.

Meg shrugged, “well, they have me beat because I didn’t bring a gun,” she announced, sheepishly.

“Oh yeah, then what’s in the bag!?” Michael asked, furiously.

“A present… for Mini Meg…”

“Guys, what’s going on? I thought I heard guns cocking and,” Ryan started to ask as he left the bathroom. Then he noticed that everyone had their guns pointed at Gavin and Meg. “OH, COME THE FUCK ON!!! I TOLD YOU PEOPLE NO GUNS!!!!!!!” Ryan shouted angrily.

“But, she’s Dollface and your boyfriend has an apparent hard on for her,” Geoff argued back.

“No, I don’t!” Gavin squawked.

“I have a girlfriend,” Meg added.

“MEG TURNEY IS THE GODMOTHER OF MY CHILD!” Ryan screamed.

“YOU CHOSE A SIREN TO BE YOUR KID’S GODPARENT OVER ME!?” Geoff yelled back.

“THAT’S BECAUSE I’VE KNOWN HER LONGER THAN I’VE KNOWN ANY OF YOU!!!!!”

Gavin ran over to Ryan and started petting his head and rubbing his back. “Calm down, love. High heart rate’s not good for the baby.”

Ryan took a few deep breaths, “sorry, sorry, that was all unnecessary. Meg, please come in.”

“Whatever,” Geoff grumbled.

Meg happily skipped in the room and over to hug Ryan as best she could. “How are you, Rye?”

“Tired, fat, but pretty overall happy,” he answered with a smile.

Then, she placed he hands on both sides of Ryan’s belly, “and how’s Mini Meg?”

“Actually, the name Gavin and I decided on is,” Ryan lowered his voice to make sure only Meg could hear him, “Henry.”

“Henry!” Meg exclaimed. Everyone around the room looked at her in confusion.

Gavin frowned, “Ryan, we were gonna wait to reveal the name until after the ‘sex reveal cake’.”

Ryan shrugged, “sorry,” he apologized, sheepishly.

“You’re having a boy?” Jeremy asked.

“Yah. We were gonna wait until the cake to reveal all that. But after this whole ordeal, we could all use some sweets right about now,” Gavin joked.

The room lit up with laughter. In an instant, all unnecessary conflicts seemed to be forgotten. They could all get back to the fun baby show day they had planned. In that moment, it seemed like everything was going to be alright.

 39 WEEKS

 They were in the home stretch. As excited for having a kid as he was, Ryan could not wait for the kid to be out of him. The pregnancy was becoming very annoying, at this point. His body had been tricking him with Braxton-Hicks contractions since he was seven months along. Of course, he had dealt with the pain of being shot on multiple occasions, so the false contractions were nothing more than an annoying inconvenience.  

As time moved closer to his due date on December 18th, the baby shifted lower on his hips in preparation for birth.  His belly was already the size of a basketball, and this made walking steady even harder for Ryan. Gavin helped Ryan get from point A to point B when he’d let him. Ryan had nearly bit his head off though, when he suggested that Ryan be confined to bed-rest.

On December 11th, the crew had planned on going out for a heist. This heist would be Gavin’s first big heist as crew muscle. Of course, Ryan would be staying back at the penthouse helping with tech. That morning, Gavin helped Ryan to the kitchen. Jack and Jeremy were already sitting at the kitchen eating breakfast.

“Are you sure you want to help with this, today? Because you could go back to bed to rest and nobody would blame you or anythin’,” Gavin attempted to persuade Ryan as he led him to his chair.

“Gav, we got a week left before I’m truly out of commission,” Ryan argued.

“I could stay in,” he started.

“Sweetheart, this may or may not be your only chance at being real crew muscle. I want you to take it, show me how big and strong my boyfriend can be,” Ryan argued, further. Gavin just sighed in response.

Jeremy looked up from his food to see Gavin and Ryan. “Morning, Gav and Rye,” he greeted the two of them. “And you’re looking festively plump today, Ryan,” he joked.

“Jeremy!” Jack scolded as he swatted Jeremy’s arm.

“Ha, jokes on you,” Ryan retorted as he slowly sat down, “I won’t be like this anymore by the time Christmas rolls around.”

Gavin rolled his eyes at the exchange, he was still very excited about the fact that he would be a father soon. “Right, what do you want for breakfast then?” Gavin asked Ryan.

“I’m feeling like… cheesy scrambled eggs.”

Gavin quickly went to the fridge to grab the supplies he needed to make the dish. “Gavin, you can’t cook, you’re going to burn the kitchen down,” Jack pointed out.

“Learned,” Gavin quickly informed him as he cracked two eggs into a pan.

As the rest of the day went by, Ryan felt a contraction every few hours. He was too busy doing tech work on the crew’s heist at Pacific Standard Deposit Bank to notice that the time between each contraction growing shorter. He was directing the crew when another one, a strong one, hit. “You got the money,” he asked.

“Yeah,” Geoff confirmed.

“There’s an exit on the Alta street side that would be a good,” he stopped when the contraction hit and he whined, quietly.

Lindsay looked up when she heard Ryan’s whine, “you alright?” she asked.

“Yeah, strong Braxton-Hicks. Tell Axial to take tech lead for a bit, I’m gonna go splash some water on my face to get my head back in the game,” he replied as he used the table to push himself out of the chair. He waddled to the bathroom and turned on the sink. He splashed water on his face, “get it together, Haywood. You can do this,” he told himself He turned off the sink and started to back to the room went get noticed his pants were all wet from his crotch. He hadn’t thought he’d somehow spilled any water on his crotch, and it quickly dawned on him that he actually hadn’t spilled any sink water. “LINDSAY!!!” he screeched in hopes of getting her attention.

“What?” she asked as she ran in the bathroom. She looked Ryan up and down, and frowned, “did you really just call me in here to show me that you peed yourself when you were three feet away from the toilet?”

“Didn’t… pee myself,” he gritted out.

Lindsay’s eyes met Ryan’s, “Wait, did your water break?” Ryan gave a slight nod to answer her question. “Oh my god, your water broke. Holy shit, you’re going into labor!” Lindsay then ran back to the tech room. Ryan attempted to follow behind her, hoping to make use of the time between contractions. She got into the coms and tapped in so she would only be talking to Gavin. “Goldie, I need you to get out of there,” she informed him.

“Why? Everything’s going fine here,” Gavin asked over the com.

Ryan quickly yanked the com mic away from Lindsay. “YOU WERE RIGHT! YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RIGHT, YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED HERE WITH ME! CAUSE I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!” Ryan screeched.

“Rye,”

“HENRY’S COMING!!!!!!” he finished yelling as another contraction hit.

Gavin dropped everything that he was doing and ran out of the bank. “Where the hell do you think you’re going!?” Geoff yelled after him.

Michael had a feeling he knew why Gavin was running away. “Don’t get caught, Ryan needs you right now!”

Gavin drove back to the penthouse and ran in the front door. “Ryan, I’m here!” he called as he ran in.

Ryan waddled out, clutching his stomach, with Lindsay following behind. “How did you get here?” Ryan asked.

“Drove.”

Ryan groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “Idiot,” he gritted out.

Gavin smiled, “but, I’m your idiot, love.” And Ryan smiled back sweetly, then, he groaned in pain as another contraction hit.

“Alright, I’ll drive you two to the hospital. Gavin, get changed out of your heist clothes while I get Ryan down to the car,” Lindsay instructed. Gavin quickly nodded and ran to his room.

Lindsay and Ryan got down to the car. Two minutes later, Gavin met them at the car in civilian clothes and they all drove to the hospital. Ryan and Gavin were admitted into a hospital room while Lindsay had to wait in the waiting room. Ryan wailed in pain all night long, yelling that that baby better take his uterus out with him. By the morning of December 12th, Henry Daniel Haywood-Free was born.

Ryan sat up, cradling his baby in his arms, while Gavin leaned up against the bed. Gavin gave his finger to the baby to grab onto and the baby latched onto it. “He’s gorgeous, a right handsome baby,” Gavin cooed.

“Yeah, he sure it,” Ryan agreed, lazily. “He got your nose,” he giggled.

Gavin shook his head and smiled, “sorry, Hen,” he apologized.

“Don’t be sorry. Your big ole’ nose is pretty cute, just like the rest of ya,” Ryan complimented as he began to shut his eyes.

“Daw,” Gavin smiled. “‘e prolly got your gorgeous eyes.”

“He’s… perfect,” Ryan said as he drifted to sleep. Gavin quickly picked up Henry and began to cradle him so Ryan could sleep.

His son yawned in his arms, he was going to be the perfect baby for him and Ryan. Sure, this kid was born into a life of crime, but none of that mattered. Their little family was now complete, and he knew for a fact that everything was going to be alright.

 15 Months Later

 Henry’s first year of life was kinda interesting. Ryan had chosen to go by the name Papa for Henry, while Gavin chose to be called, Dada. He was just as rambunctious as he was when he was in the womb, and that caused a lot of trouble for his parents, but that were still happy that they had him. He had criminals coming from all over the city to care for him, but he was too young to know what being a criminal meant. His godmother would make the finest clothes for him, despite his Dada buying him all the posh baby clothes a baby could ever want. Little Sophie Jones was eager to play with him, even though she was a year and a half older than him. Michael and Gavin joked that it was the next generation of ‘Team Nice Dynamite.’ The world was a big, bright place for Henry.

Ten months after Henry was born, Ryan took Gavin out on a date to La Spada, a nice Italian seafood restaurant. In between dinner and dessert, Ryan got down on one knee and proposed to Gavin. Gavin ecstatically said yes and passionately kissed Ryan. After a hot and heavy, intimate night of more “dessert,” Ryan asked when they should have their wedding, and Gavin said he didn’t want the wedding until Ryan was done recovering from his sex change. Ryan said he hadn’t scheduled one yet, and Gavin handed him a pamphlet for a cosmetic clinic in Liberty City and a note for an appointment reminder. Gavin had found the best clinic for Ryan’s sex change and scheduled the surgery for him. Ryan couldn’t be more in love with Gavin after he did that for him.

Five months after that, Ryan, Gavin, and Henry few up to Liberty City. Ryan was taken into surgery, with Gavin and Henry waiting in the waiting room. After ten hours, Ryan was released from surgery. They went to go check on him and he was fast asleep. They retired to their hotel by the clinic for the night and went back to visit Ryan the next day. The nurses warned Gavin that Ryan may be high from the pain killers. Gavin took Henry up to Ryan room and they saw Ryan blinking, groggily.

“Hey, ya pretty cute,” Ryan complimented Gavin.

“Thank you, Rye,” Gavin smiled back. Henry cooed as if to compliment his Papa.

“Now that I have a dick, I’d fuck ya with it,” he slurred.

Gavin covered Henry’s ears. “Ryan, don’t use that type of language around the baby.”

“Sorry sweetheart, but right now, I’m hiiiiiiiiiigh as balls,” he giggled and reached his arm to point up.

Gavin quickly rushed over to push his arm back down. “No, no. You don’t wat to rip your IV out.”

Ryan’s eye’s drooped as he smiled, fondly. “An ya care ‘bout me too? Think I migh be in love wich ya.”

Gavin snorted. “I should hope so,” he replied with a smile.

“Buh cha can’t tell mah fiancé dat.”

“Ryan, I am your fiancé.

Ryan’s eyes widened in surprise, “Really?”

“Yah, and Henry, here, is your son.”

“He’s beautiful,” Ryan cooed, “An you’re drop dead gorgeous.”

Henry babbled happily, as if to thank his papa for the compliment. “Daw, thank you, Rye-bread,” Gavin thanked as well.

“Love it when ya… call me that…” Ryan mentioned as he fell back asleep.

Gavin and Ryan’s lives were in no way considered normal. They were a gay couple living in a big city. Ryan was an FTM transsexual who had inexplicably gotten knocked up. And on top of all that, they were members of one of the most dangerous criminal crews in Los Santos. Some might assume that life might be hard for the two of them, but for Gavin and Ryan, their life was more than alright. It was perfect.

[ancientcalamity]

💝

Senda 💝 and my Muse will ramble on about how they presently feel aboutyours.

Theme: Pretty on the Outside

Yato’s head turns to glance at the clock, seeing it was around one a.m., which confused him as to why someone was coming to his office around this time. He’s surprised to see the goddess enter wearing one of her usual night gowns. He moves and sets his things to the side, adjusting himself to talk to her. She looked a bit distraught and he questions her, getting silence in return before the actual question comes out. At first, he doesn’t react. She said she’d give him a time to think and answer. 

Blue eyes stared for a moment, their history up to now flickering in his mind. 

Hunted for years as if he were some sort of animal, a beast ready for the slaughter. He’d known that whole time that she wasn’t completely in her right mind, being the one to hold the weighted burden of a whole family of people being rendered to nothing. 

He had many thoughts of her. 

Pity.Anger.Respite. Disappointment.Distaste.Fear.

The usual feelings a god of calamity had towards anyone, really.

…or so he thought. 

“It’s been many things over the years. It’s not to piss you off, but I’d ended up pitying you. Not because of the loss or how you were focused on me, but because you were stuck in the same place for so long. I wouldn’t understand what that type of loss is like, so I didn’t understand.”

“…At first.”

Blue orbs looked up, the dim light of the lamp on the desk barely doing much to illuminate the whole room, the warm glow doing nothing to heat the cold stare in his eyes. 

“It took around 60 years after the fact and the rare moments of meeting you and being caught in your anger that I noticed it wasn’t some irrational and dreamlike love you had for the Ma Clan. It was real. 

But, of course, you know I couldn’t show many other emotions at that time. I was hollow most of the time and the only thing I was good at was killing. Caring about anyone other than myself and Nora did nothing for me.” The cold expression wasn’t directed towards her, but it was the only way he could talk about this freely. He had to throw out his normal feelings and turn back into who he once was. 

[ Whoa, whoa, whoa ]So you wanna play games with my head?But you make me fall apart, I wish that I was dead?I just can’t believe I fell, for such a blackened heart-You played me for a fool!! and used me from the start!!!

FUCK YOU. (fuck you), I just want to know the truth,but the words from your mouth they just cloud,All the negativity, forces me down into (silence)But still I can pray…I wanna know! I wanna know!!!

“Whether you believe it or not, I knew. I knew that you truly put it in your head that I’d taken them down to make you suffer. It didn’t bother me that much. I was used to it from anyone and I’d never had a family like that before, so what the hell should I have cared, right?”

He leans back into his chair, eyes looking dead. 

“I remember what I told you then, when we fought. I mocked you, saying you were ‘playing house’. I never realized what losing someone on that scale or even remotely similar was like.”

He doesn’t mention Sakura because…    …she was different. At least in his mind. 

If I tear you open wide, take a look insideAre you pretty?Can I get inside your mind, see what I can find?Are you pretty?So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you’re onlyPretty on the outside

“I think it was the day you broke Yukine that all of that anger and resentment of you not moving forward came out. I lost control of my emotions and I felt something break inside me. It was feeling him die.

Like he disappeared.” Yato’s eyes were wide and a maniacal-typed grin comes across his face.

“It was a pit of darkness that did nothing but make me watch as my whole world ended right in front of my eyes.” The smile instantly drops, his expression turning cold again. “Do you know what I also realized at that moment, when you came to speak to me?” He watched as her head shook, her throat moving as she swallowed thickly. 

“You were right.”

“I did understand to an extent,” the emotion that was once lost in his eyes starts to return and he turns the chair, staring directly into her violet hues, “I understood what it was like to lose my family. It wasn’t the same amount. It wasn’t to such a drastic scale, but I understood that loss.”

He moves a hand to his face, looking through his fingers at her, eyes narrowing with a sickening expression. “…then I saw his name was there. When I called for him and the look on your face–” Eerily, he begins to chuckle, shaking his head, “-you were so mad. I felt an insatiable victory over you at that moment, but…”

Now I fucking hate you, with all of my heartJust disappear, and never will I fear for my lifeI just want to be alone,And never, no never, will I be unhappy alone,I wanna know, I wanna knowIf I tear you open wide, take a look insideAre you pretty?Can I get inside your mind, see what I can find?Are you pretty?So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you’re onlyPretty on the outside

“I felt sick after it. I didn’t show it, but I felt sick, seeing you again in a new light plus how I felt before. All the ‘usual’ feelings I was supposed to have, all the uncaring thoughts on ‘one god to another’ disappeared. …I wanted you to stop. You HAD to stop. You were only breaking yourself… I wanted to save Hiyori, yeah, but I demanded over and over to give her back and you kept attacking–” he stops, taking a shaking breath.

“…..”

You’re so pretty on the outside

You’re so pretty on the outside

”I still mean what I said. At that point, if I had to take down people around you or even you yourself to try and save you, I would. I still would. No hesitation.”

So you wanna play games with my head?

“I would defeat you.”

But you make me fall apart, and wish that I was dead

“I’d save TWO people. I’d get my friend back and force you to see this outcome led to nothing but regret and pain. 

Can’t believe I fell for such a blackened heart

“I’d let you hate me in the process and let you take it out on me. 

You played me for a fool and just used me from the startI just wanna know the truth (but the words from your mouth)

All your negativity (you keep forcing me down)

“The only issue was you never opened your eyes. …You… I wouldn’t say broke… not yet. It was the start.”

The shame from the few days before had returned and his expression was pained, apologetic. “That happened while you were here. As much as you say it was because of others, even though my body was being controlled, it was done by my hands. I broke you. I broke that dam and everything came from it.” He looks up to the ceiling, sighing. 

“I know I’ve never hated you. Disliked? Maybe. Been annoyed with? Oh yeah. That’s for a fact. Saddened by? I know that, but…”

Into silence I can dream (into silence I can dream) Into silence I can dreamIf I tear you open wide, take a look insideAre you pretty? (pretty!)Can I get inside your mind, see what I can find?Are you pretty? (pretty!)So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you’re onlyPretty on the outside

That fire from before was back, quickly overtaking the regret, the shame, replacing it with determination. 

“…After everything, you’ve just become stronger than before. You’ve only become greater, not only as a god and a leader, but as someone in general. You opened up. You said something, even if the outcome...” he trails off, laughing bitterly. “Hell, if I were you, I don’t think I could even think of myself in the same light like I’d hoped...”

“Ever.”

“...but even after everything, you grew. You already forgave me for something as terrible as what I’d done to you.”

Whoa, you’re so pretty on the outsideWhoa (you’re so pretty on the outside)You’re so pretty on the outside!

Yato leans on his hand, eyes looking her as he spoke, as a god to another god. 

“O fierce deity, with the dangerous beauty on the surface, you were like a cracked and broken mirror inside. Now I see the resolve that of the warrior you are, were, and what I could never hope to be. I envy you, of that change. I haven’t been capable of that myself… even after all of these years.”

“…I envy you..”

[aurimeanswind]

Let’s Get Down to Business (’To Defeat the Huns’)—Sunday Chats—1/21/18

It’s time to get back to work! Or, er, writing. All writing and no games makes Alex a dull boy.

Uh...

God, sorry, how do i do this again? Oh yeah. Opinions. And stuff.

Okay.

Deep breaths.

Post Game of the Year

I think the GOTY season is both great and not great. It’s easy to get upset with the “hot takes” and there are a lot of folks that use the opportunity to tell you exactly why your favorite game shouldn’t be game of the year, but then, I don’t see a lot of folks just enjoying their 10 or whatever favorite games of 20-whatever. What I set out to do on our Irrational Passions Podcast Game of the Year Deliberations, Five Days, Four Hosts, Three Mistakes, Two Fights, One Winner, Podcast Spectacular™ was highlight the moments I liked and enjoyed and veer more off of what I disliked. I think there is plenty of room for that discourse, and I’m not saying I am a shill who just loves everything, but there is just so much drowning negativity out there. And hey, I know I’m on Twitter too much, and that fuckin’ place runs rampant with it, that’s my own fault, but I’d rather be a well-thought opinion as to why I like something rather than the guy that hates Wolfenstein, or Nier, or whatever. It’s part of why I love being “The Persona Guy” so much, because people know I love it, and they come to me to talk about how much they love it or don’t with me. I love that.

So anyway, long and short, I think GOTY went really well for IP. We actually had an editorial meeting about all of the content and what we liked/didn’t like/could do better next time, and it was really productive. I’m a big fan of the stuff that happened, especially how we handled guests this year, and I’m curious to see that grow in the future.

If you missed it, the front page of IrrationalPassions.com is going to be highlighting our Game of the Year 2017 content for the next week or so, so go check it out!

What I’ve Been Working On

Since I have been in GOTY I haven’t been doing Sunday Chats or much else, but I am settling back into work, and am maybe expanding my day-job-work over there in my personal life. We’ll see how that goes, and how much time that removes from games for me (hopefully not too much!), but that’s all hypothetical right now. 

I am excited to say I am launching a new project next month. It’s a new show and as I’ve been thinking about all my pieces of content, IPP, Alex Talks, Case Study, and now this new show, it’s been a weird concept of what do I want to lean on, what do I want to continue, et cetera. In a perfect world I can do them all together, but I know that’s just not possible. I’m looking at monthly content and what I can do around that, but we’ll see. I want to do everything! I want to make stuff that will get me hired into video games! But I want to make sure I’m doing stuff that I love doing, and at the center of all of that is having deep and meaningful conversations, whether it’s long, thought-out essays conveyed in audio, written, or video form that engage you and I in a conversation, or an actual, recorded conversation. 

So that’s what’s up. Without giving anything away, stuff is in the pipeline, and I’m hopeful that people will take notice, and you all, my loyal readers, will dig it.

What’s on Tap

VIDEO GAMES.

I’ve been playing a lot, so I am going to go back and highlight just some gems I want to talk about from the last three weeks.

The Witcher 3

So I rebought Witcher 3 to see all of its glory on my Xbox One X. Boy, that’s a motherfucking video game.

For point of reference, I just got to Novigrad and have been starting the strings of quests there, which is kind of my least favorite part of that game (chasing Dandelion around, specifically) so hopefully I stay with it.

It’s really cool to appreciate this games innovations on another level after seeing stuff like Assassin’s Creed Origins and Breath of the Wild.

I’ve actually been switching between this and Breath of the Wild, and while I still think BotW is the far more interesting world and game that I like spending time in, I was surprised at how comfortable that switch (aha! Puns!) is. The games are very different and both good in their own ways, and really scratch two different itches. 

I will say, AC Origins is definitely the game that came closest to The Witcher 3 as far as formatting its side quest content, but it still didn’t get close enough.

Okami HD

I’ve now replayed this game basically to completion. I would have finished it again too, as I’m just before the final boss, if a week after release they hadn’t gone and synced the trophies in the PS4 re-release to the PS3 one, in which I already have the platinum. So I’m no longer earning anything on the PS4 version, which is a bummer.

Still an excellent game. It’s really odd playing a game where you’re actually a four-legged creature just running around doing dog-stuff. It’s cool, and it’s something I haven’t seen a lot of 3D games do, or at least do well.

Stardew Valley - Switch Edition

I put about 78 hours into my Stardew Valley town on PS4, and now, 60+ hours into my Switch town, I’m definitely sick with the small-town-fever.

I really love this game, and it scratches my “I wanna live in a small town” dream-itch in just such a righteous way. I love it.

I didn’t expect to take to it so hard on Switch, but there is something about cuddling up with this game in bed and losing myself to it that is just so intoxicating.

Questions

As always, look for my tweet on Sunday afternoons with the hashtag #SundayChats in it, reply with your question, OR ANSWER, depending on what I’m feeling that day, and be a part of the Sunday Chats shenanigans!

Now I’m more curious about this snake research you were doing...?

Hrm, now this is a great alt-universe theory. I’m going to assume that it’d be in place of Cedric, so it’d be Harry and a Slytherin as the champions, which does throw a lot into question. 

I think it would have. In a few ways. One, we have to assume it’d be a 7th year Slytherin, so in short, someone we don’t know. It’d be a great opportunity to characterize someone, who, say, isn’t a dick, like Malfoy, who is kind of our avatar or stand in for Slytherin characters. It’d be great to see that character and Harry develop a not-antagonistic relationship. Like, I think Harry would have still told this person about the Dragons, because that’s still just the kind of person Harry is, and I think we would have seen less shit from the Ravenclaw/Hufflepuffs to Harry because of the assumed distaste for a Slytherin champion. I don’t think it would have effected the fight between Harry and Ron though.

Where it becomes super interesting is, assuming they are a good or normal or upstanding person, do they still tell Harry how to get into the egg? Knowing that Mad-Eye was the one who told Cedric, I say yes, since they themselves didn’t get that information on their own, much like Harry with the Dragons, and I believe strongly in the pay-it-forward mentality. 

The other big question is: would they have died? If they don’t, that wildly changes the rest of the books. Harry’s PTSD in the fifth book would be, still severe, but different. What would happen to them? Would they have escaped with Harry? Would that bond make them unbreakable friends? I’d imagine so. Or after a year of tension and not talking, they’d bury the hatchet, and then the repercussions for that are massive, in that I think Harry would lead a bond between all Slytherins and Gryffindors.

Goddamn. This may be too good a question to answer in a simple Sunday Chats, but yeah, in short, I think the repercussions would have been very different.

YES!

Great video game.

I’ll say this, you get essentially experiences for feeding the animals out and about in the world. DO THIS. It’s not too expensive and and will totally be worth it in the long run.

Also, get as MANY demon fangs as you can. AS MANY. You get them from using your slash ability on enemies who are flying into the air after they hit zero hp. They’ll drop a demon fang, which is a type of currency you can use much later in the game, and having a big stockpile will do you a ton of good.

Outside of that, have fun! Talk to everyone! It’s like a Zelda game, so tons of people have problems or off side quests you can initiate by talking to them. You can get the platinum pretty easily in one play through, so if you’re curious about that, hit me up.

Haha, well, how about Kinda Funny Prom? I can see it hit you with the eh vibes too. Though I’m very bummed you won’t be able to make it. I’ll be sending you good vibes from there, okay?

Oh, and I am sending you selfies. Hella selfies.

But yes, I was very, hrm, I guess, unsettled, for lack of a better word. It’s like getting invited to a costume party, where I just want to hang out with my friends. Now there is all this pressure and requirements and this feeling that you’re going to be shown-up. Plus, I don’t really clean up well, so like, I know I’ll feel super self-conscious the whole time, but that’s just me I suppose. 

Then again, it’s another thing of well, I know when I’m there, and I’m in it, I’ll have a great time, but that’s a pretty big hump to get over, and I hate that I feel like I’m being forced into it, because, well, I am. 

I suppose, if nothing else, I’ll just go for the weekend and then not go to KF Prom itself, but I haven’t decided yet. We’ll see. 

Here is another, relevant example though, hearing about how things were being handled in the Harry Potter movies, starting with the third. No Marauders? Oh okay. Cool. Trash. Adios. Again, very much a me thing, but this is such a good question and I can’t think of a great example. I’m sure it’s out there, if I think of it I’ll let you know.

Listen, I love Tom Hanks as much as the next guy. He was in a Carly Rae Jepsen video, he, by all accounts, its a super cool dude, and I wanna hang out with him. 

But Tom Hardy is a mountain of a man. 

That man looks capable of actual murder. Not to say he would, he also seems like a lovely chap, but in a fist fight?

Nah.

Hardy, all the way.

Lol you’re great Nato, but also SO MUCH BOOTY AND OR TREASURE.

I talked about it a bit earlier, but I think the Guest Roundtables is a huge stand out. Those worked really well, felt good to do, and were a good reflection on a handful of cool games from the last year.

The criticism that Jarrett lodged that I sort of agree with is that there was just too much content. He said how could anyone reasonably consume all of it? Well, that’s never been my intention, I want it all out there so the audience can pick and choose what they want to hear themselves, and then go from there. But I think that’s a fair criticism. Written top 10s, guest and ours, our top 10 podcast, the five day goty show, and 10 podcasts on 10 games. It’s a ton, so why not just cut it down next time around, right?

Next year I think focusing on highlighting guests would be good. Either in just written or just podcast form. But we’ll see, we’ll have to start those conversations earlier this year.

Not at all! We just had our editorial meeting about it and I am V EXCITE.

I’ve been very lax on myself, not forcing myself to write at all. In fact, I’ve barely written a thing over the last month. Which has been, kind of nice, in the grand scheme of things. I think that’s okay. Rest is really important, and I can already feel my creative juices swirling around. 

I think my feelings about writing are very much the same, but I have a better appreciation for it now. I feel like I need to write with more purpose now, and I don’t need to set arbitrary time or character limits on it. Once I get back in the swing fo writing complete things, maybe I’ll have a better grasp on how that feels.

I think it’ll review very well and I think it’ll do very well in the states. I know that may seem surprising, but the betas, the reception to them, and the time of release, are all in Capcom’s corner. Honestly, it’s a very strategic and smart release for them. I’m quite impressed at how shrewd it is. They’ll do great.

It’s just a bummer because I see so many folks talking about how it’s clicking with them or how satisfied they were with it, and after doing the three hunts in the beta with a group of three friends, I had fun but... well, I felt nothing. It just totally did not click with me. No satisfaction, no excitement, and I couldn’t wait to be done playing it, just because how it felt did zero favors for me. I’ve always had a cursory interest in Monster Hunter because of my cohosts who are so into it, and after finally playing it I just... don’t anymore, haha. I know that is a bummer, and trust me, no one is more bummed than me that I don’t get to get in on the Monster Hunter party, but more power to the folks out there playing! it think this game will do very well. It’s finally time for the Hunters to shine in the west!

This is a great question! I’d probably own an italian restaurant, and out of spite, I’d call it “O’Neill’s”, spelled the correct way. Sick of seeing all these goddamn pubs called “O’Neals” with their goddamn sheleighlies or whatever (is that offensive? Oh god I’m sorry Amy Gils) so we are doing it the right way.

And yes, I understand the absurdity of an italian food restaurant with the name O’Neill’s, that’s the whole bit. But I love italian food. It wouldn’t be just limited to that though.

I’d absolutely hire the retired Gen and Greg Miller as my head chefs. Meaning we’d have a ton of awesome stuff on the menu. I’d make my aunt’s secret pasta sauce, my mom’s secret brownie recipe, it’d be super good. 

Oh, and we’d have only the best beer, curated by the best beer goddess in the business, Jazz Foster. Duh.

Also like, Beer Goddess is a thing, don’t ask questions.

No, it’s just not going to happen. I think there are plenty of players out there totally unaware fo the drama and fallout that dug MGSV and will get Survive and have a good time. Hell, I played the beta this weekend and had a good time with Logan Moore. Save for it crashing every time I went into the pause menu.

But that franchise just has too much baggage. People are going to tear it to shreds no matter what, but like, also, vote with your wallet. If that game ultimately doesn’t do well, then Konami is less likely to try and do another one, and I know a ton of hypocrites out there are going to just go and buy the game so they can shit on it on the internet. Be better then them. Go play a game made by a small indie developer, or talk about a game you really dug, that maybe folks aren’t talking about enough, like Hollow Knight, or Butterfly Soup. 

Well duh, I am doing that RIGHT NOW

Happy birthday dude <3.

I’m not sure what you mean in this context. Like if you’re pitching an editor with a different ideology then you? Differing “goals” is I guess what’s throwing me off here. 

I think you need to really sell why your stance is valid for that prompt, and as with everything, know your audience. If you’re doing a pitch, know the editor, know what they’re looking for, either in your, or in that pitch or prompt. They’re your audience, and your pitch is what you need to sell. You’re not necessarily selling the piece, you’re selling why the piece is special and why you need to be the one to write it.

I hope that helps?

I, unfortunately, haven’t been reading a lot of good stuff lately, so I can’t make any solid recommendations at this time, but Jarrett recommended a lot of good stuff in his Top 10 Write up, some “required readings” on all of his favorite games of the year. 

http://irrationalpassions.com/jarrett-greens-top-10-games-of-2017/

That’s all I got. I deleted my Facebook account the other day, so really I am living my best life on the internet now, and I’m ready for this year. I’m not going to be doom and gloom. Things will be hard, but there are great games coming that I can’t wait to discuss and exacerbate myself talking of, and there will hopefully be great things to go along with those games. 

Thank you all so much for reading, as always. I will try and get more into the swing of writing this every week like before, and also writing and producing cool stuff on top of that.

It’s 2018, or 20-great-teen as me and my friend Brandt Ranj have coined it, so let’s make this year great, together.

Keep it reeeeeeal.