#(such as Cyle) escapes me)

[eyeoftheaxolotl]

i do not know what happened with predstrogen and at this point i am too afraid to ask

[mschimdt]

OBSERVE pt.1

5455 words

recom!navi!quaritch x recom!navi!fem!reader

summary: you were reborn into a navi recom inorder to fight for pandora, but soon you ensed up feeling a connection to eywa, and you ended up escaping only to be caught by the colonel and punishrd accordingly, till he find you one dy during your heat cycle

this is a 100 folower special, thank you all so much, yes this is a series now and this is part one out of maybe 2 or 3

warnings: p to v, degrading, mention of injury, embarassment, public humiliation, sex, heat cyle, this hasnt been proof read so theres alot of typos, ill fix them soon when i have the motivation to

you opened your eyes, a bright light blinding you, you saw blue figures wandering around you, you went full panic mode thinking the navi caught you, you sat up, your head hurt but you couldnt let the dirty navis get away with this, your vision started coming in and one of the blue navis came towards you to attack you "LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

you stood up and attempted to punch them "(Y/N) CALM DOWN" said an oddly familiar voice, you were in a medical room, weird, they must have attacked bridgehead while you were out cold you didnt notice the 'little' humans under you

the blue guys came towards you restricting you from delivering anymore slaps and punches to their faces. you couldnt move, they were all holding you, "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DIRTY BASTARDS" you said, still not noticing thay youre litteraly navi

you were still trying to set yourself free when you heard the familiar voice again. "y/n its us, stop freaking out, its me quaritch" he said "wha-" he cut you off "lyle, Z-dog" he said pointing at each of them, "okay okay let me go" you said

they let you go and you still hadnt noticed that you were navi, you were the same height as them but you didnt think anything of it, until you looked down "what the-" you said cutting your self off staring at your blue feet

you walked towards a reflective window observing your new look, fangs, a tail, blue skin, stripes, ears, and shit you were even 8'11

some scientists walked inside and told you to sit down so they could take your vitals and make sure youre good before letting you go

they took your vitals and you were infact good to go, they handed you some clothes, the others already left to inform the others that you were okay

you put the clothes the scientists gave you on and walked out of the door, this was a completley new area, not the hells gate you remembered, luckily there was a small map hung on the wall, you stared at it wondering where everyones gonna be

you didnt know where they might be, so you just headed in a random direction hoping youll ens up finding some other blue guys wandering around, after a few minutes of walking you infact did find another navi, it was mansk, atleast thats who you thought he was because of the shades, you walked toward him

"heyy uhh do you know where the others are?" you said regreting your life decisions, sure you knew mansk but this was awkward, "yeah, theyre over there in the lounge" he said, straight face "okay thanks, mansk right?" "thats right, y/n?" "mhm, thanks though" he gave you a little smile and continued walking towards wherever hes going, you headed towards the lounge only to find quaritch awfully speaking navi, you didnt know how to either but atleast you werent speaking gibberish

"we need to look navi, eat navi, hunt navi, the only way were gonna get jake sully is we act, like jake sully" you walked in and leaned against a wall listening to quaritch, then you spoke "they stull didnt kill jake? its been 15 years" you said fully expecting jake to be 6 feet under right now

"unfortunatley they didnt catch him, its our job now" quaritch continued rambling about how were gonna kill jake and how were gonna give humans a "bright future" and get rid of all the savages

before you knew it, you were already out on your first mission, you didnt even have time to observe your body and get used to it before you were sent out to explore, ever since you came back as navi, you felt a connection to eywa, similar to what jake felt

one part of you wanted to be with the people and the other wanted to kill the people, eventually you forgot about this arguement eith yourself when you saw 2 navis walking through the forest, they were omaticaya people, jakes people, or should i saw toruk makto

they were 2 teenage looking navis arguing with eachother, they didnt know you were there so they were screaming random shit in navi, the others noticed the noise and slowly walked behind the 2 kids, they were still arguing, which signaled they hadnt noticed you

suddenly lyle and walker snuck up on them and restrained them by their queues they started fighting them, you walked oit of the bushes along with the others, you had a decent military rank, you were a seregeant, right under lyles rank but higher than the others, so if quaritch and lyle werent there you'd be incharge

you walked up to the kids behind quaritch, as a form of respect, "what're yr' names" he was death staring them at this point, the kid said something in navi and quaritch replied back, both the kids started laughing at his bad pronounciation of words

" i dont like to repeat things, whatre yr names?" quaritch said, it lookes like he was about to fucking explode

"n-neteyam- and loak.." one of them said "neteyam what huh?" quaritch replies forcefully grabbing the other kids hand, noticing the 5 fingers on his hand, "lo'ak and neteyam sully huh, i suppose you know where he is dontcha" you were still standing behind quaritch incase anything happened

quaritch said something into his ear peice, "cuff them" he said turning away, "yes sir" you said walking over to the kids and harshly grabbing their arms to cuff them, when you notices something in the distance, before you had any time to tell the others, an arrow peirced through walkers skull, knocking her to the ground

quaritch stared at the arrow, imediatley recognising the arrow, it was neytiri, sullys woman

you spoke up "is that you Mrs. sully?" you said dragging the kids with you toward a tree, they kept kicking you with their legs, you ended up also having to cuff their legs "listen here little bitches, you stop squirming and trying to wiggle out of the cuffs, or else it wont end too well for you" you said completley fed up with their shit, you heard a scream from behind you and now fike was down too, he had an arrow in his leg, you were surprised about how quick these arrows could kill a person, they must be poisonus, quaritch came over and helped you carry the 2 boys

"cmon hurry up, dont wanna get one in the head" you said as you swung one of them over your shoulders ran for your life

one of the kids ended up activating a tear bomb with their fingers, and they somehow uncuffed themselves and escaped while you got knocked to the ground for a few seconds, you regained your consiousness only to find yourself on lyles shoulder, "lyle im okay you can let me go" you said waiting for him to drop you onto the floor

he let you go and a bright light shone from above, the helicopter was finally here and you could leave this shitty mission and think about what you were going to do about your "connection" to pandora

you got on the helicopter and finally arrived at what now was called bridgehead, walking over to your assigned room, you took your shirt off and stayed in your sport bra not having the energy to change your clothes

you layed in your bed thinking about what you were going to do to stop this awful feeling of emptiness because you werent living freely, roaming through the forest, embracing the culture of navi

after a few days you were fed up with the feeling of having to destroy a place you wanted to embrace so bad, so, you made an escape plan

you were going to leave on the next mission, ans youll turn your comms off aswell as your location so you couldnt be tracked, it was the only way you could do this

you woke up the next morning heading to the bathroom to brush your teeth and do your morning routine, you slipped on some cargo pants and left your room

you were in a shared "apartment" with all the recoms, there was a small room for each recom with a bathroom each, and a living room and a kitchen between the rooms, it wasnt bad just a little cramped

you headed to the living room, lyle laying in the corner of the L shaped couch and quaritch awake drinking a mug of coffee on the other side

"goodmorning sir" you greeted, you knew nott o get on the colonels nerves, hes DEADLY and when i say deadly i mean it.

"g'morning" he said back, not even looking at you, you headed to the kitchen to grab yourself a warm cup of tea so you could head back to your room

suddenly a voice spoke "why're ya up so early?" quaritch said, you couldnt read his emotions, he was basically unreadable

"i didnt realize it was so early, pandora timing is really confusing" you said, you actually didnt realize that ot was early, since the sun was up you just assumed that it was when you usually wake up

"makes sense" he said, still not looking at you, god this man gets on your nerves sometimes

awkward tension was building up, yoh were inpatiently waiting for your water to start boiling so you could make the mother fucking tea because you couldnt handle the overly dominant aura quaritch was giving off

finally, after what felt like an hour of waiting, the water finally boiled and you made your tea as quickly as you can so you could go back to your room, you went back to your room, finally

it was pretty early outside, almost 6am, you wondered why quaritch would be up so early, you took a sip of your tea, it was bitter, god fucking damn you forgot to add sugar

now you had to go back into the room that had the energy of 100 men radiating off 1 man, great

you unlocked your room door for the second time in the past few minutes and headed towards the kitchen again, already feeling the tense atmosphere, you also felt quaritchs eyes burning through your skull

you grabbed the sugar and turned back around, expecting to see quaritch staring at you because you could feel his eyes poking holes into your skull but no, he looked unbothered reading some book about the navi body that he was reading earlier

you entered your room AGAIN and you inhaled a breath, not even knowing you held your breath back there

you were bored so you decided to map out your escape plan on a peice of paper, or aeast write down the steps to it incase you forgot

you heard a loud knock on your door followed by other distant knocks on other doors, you flipped the paper over so whoever was there couldnt see it and you walked towards the door to unlock it wondering who wouls possibly need you at 7 am,

"surprise training, meet me outside in 10" quaritch said to you and the 3 recoms beside your room, going to bang on the other doors inorder to wake the rest up

you wandered into your room again, slipping on a sports bra and a tanktop with camo shorts and headed to the outdoor courtyard to meet quaritch,

"ardmore said theres a mission today at 3pm, they saw some savages running through the forest and ordered us to try and find them, meet me at 2:30 in the helicopter room" quaritch said , ofcourse he had to give us some shit to do for absolutley no fucking reason

training was the worst thing youve experienced in your entire life, you felt like quaritch was torturing you on purpose because he made you run 30 extra laps because your hands gave up mid pushups

you went to the female showers, your muscles were basically torn, you ran almost 6 miles because you failed one singular pushup out of the 40 you did before

you washed off with warm water, it felt soothing to your muscles, quaritch was basically a torture machine that tortures everyone, dying was better than having him torture you then it hit you. this mission was your chance to finally put your escape plan to use

your muscles barely felt like they hurt anymore, you slipped your clothes on and rushed out of the showers running towards your room, tiny scientists gave you weird stares but you didnt give a fuck, you were finally going to leave this place once and for all, forever hopefully

you were leaving, finally going to take care of yourself, you locked your door and flipped over the map from earlier, revising your escape plan before reaching into your closet to grab some clothes, a grey tanktop, you stayed in your camo shorts from earlier

it was almost meetup time and you didnt want to get on quaritchs bad side before making him mad forever, you headed to the helicopter room, this was it, the last time youll be in this place, hopefully

you sat inside the helicopter which is now taking off, no one has mumbled a word, you were glad, youwere never friends with any of them but you really didnt want to start a bond with them before leaving, because it might make you rethink your decision

thankfully, no one said anything the entire ride, it was quiet, atleast as quiet as it can get with raging helicopter flaps buzzing above your head, the aircraft started landing and soon before you even knew it, you were already down in the pandora forest, you were split into teams of two, you ended up with mansk, you knew he wouldnt be hard to distract

you walked off into the forest with mansk, waiting for t he perfect moment to stab him with an anesthetic shot you stole from the medical lab a few days ago

you saw 2 navi figures walking in the distance, it was time, you hit mansk in the back with the needle, he tried to fight you off before landing on the floor with a loud thud, you needed to leave fast, the colonel probably already knows about this, he probably doesnt know its you, you dropped your comms on the floor, you needed to leave now

you started running toward the 2 navi people walking around, it was one of the kids from last time, and another short kid according to your memory this kid was called loak, you didnt know about the other one though, they noticed you and went full alert until they saw you raising your hands up as a universal sign of defeat, "help me please, get me away from them" yopu said desperate to go far enough because if you stayed here they could easily find you, "and how are we supposed to trust you?" the older one said backing away and sheilding his younger sister behind him

"please, i dont know how to prove it, get me away from here before they find me, here you can cuff me just plase get me away from here" you say offering him the cuffs on you which you gladly took, he cuffed your hands behind your back to ensure that you wouldnt be able to do anything to him

"you know any navi?" he asks, "unfortunatley i dont" he says, you followed him "we're going to have to secretlet meet up with my dad first" he said holding the little kids hand dragging her with him, you arrived somewhere "stop here, im going to go call my dad, dont want anyone seeing you" you nodded and watched him walk away, just a few minutes later, he was back with his dad, jake sully

"y/n?" jake said while lo'ak stared at him confused "yes i know her! never expected her to end up liking the na'vis though. you sure this aint a trick?" you were still trying to convince him "i can assure you it isnt" jake was basically shocked now. "the clan isnt going to accept this easily, but imgoing to try my best, if they dont though, i cant reallydo anything so you;d have to find another clan to be with"

"okay"you said, jake uncuffed you and lead you toward hometree, it was a bit hard for the navi at first, but they ended up accepting you

now back to what happened to mansk

quarith found him unconsious on the ground with a needle stillstuck in his back and your comms crushed on the ground, you did this. he thoughtyou were loyal, he informed ardmore of what happened and called you "jake sully 2.0"

they ended up heading back to base, quaritch was fuming, once he reached the recom quarters he broke down the door to your room and destrooyed almost everything in it, when he came to the desk. he found a paper. labeled as "escape plan" and thats when he knew you'd escaped

a few weeks latee you were wandering around hometree, some havwnt accepted you yet but you knew theyd end up accepting your presence

you were still being taught the way of the people and they were trying their best to help you, quaritch was looking for you and yoh knew that, he was gonna come for you at some point, you needed to fight

at this point quaritch scrapped all the plans of finding jake, he doeant care about jake anymore, his only goal was to find you

he wasnt gonna kill you, he was going to torture you and force you to be a loyal member to the RDA so they can finish with the jake sully mission

you were sleeping, when you heard a sound, a sound like a helicoptera proppelers, thats when you kmew, they'd found you, and that was soon confirmed when a bright light shone into your sleepy eyea

you opened your eyes to find the one and only, quaritch, with a shit eating grin slapped on his face

he had found you

"thought ya could run huh?" he said through the grin, you got up to run away, find somewhere to hide untik they were gone, but it was too late

quaritch bent down and cuffed your legs, you still had your hands so you desperatley tried to crawl away but they were soon cuffed too

you found yourself on a helicopter back to bridgehead, you were basically sobbing, "fuck you" you said through your choked sobs "maybe one day" he said followed by a laugh, you soon landed in bridgehead and you were shoved in a cell

quaritch didnt care about jake now, the only thing he wants to do now is torture you, so he begun

he walked into your cell just a few hours after waking you up from your sleep, threw you some clothes, and tols you to get dressed because you were going to go on a 5 hour training

he wasnt leaving though, he stood at the door staring at you waiting for you to change

"turn around?" you said "no"

you kmew tjere was no arguing with him so you got up and changed, he wasnt hiding the fact that he was looking you up and down, you changed and he cuffed your hands and held you while your braid while you walked out of the cell to go to the courtyard

he closed the door that led outside to the courtyard and shoved you by your queue

"alright, 20 laps right now" he said waving his fingers to shoo you off, you actually ran the 20 laps, you were already exausted after but he shoved you by your braid to the ground "50 pushups and for each one you fail 10 will be added" lets just say you ended up doing over 200 pushups

"good job, now we're gonna begin training, that was just warmup, still 4 hours left" he said walking toward a wall with knofes hung all over it, grabbing a knife and handing it to you

he taught you some ways to stab someone and each time you did one correctly he mumbled a little "good job" followed by claps

"this is going to become a daily thing, and we wont stop till you can do 50 pushups in a row without fail"

you knew this was going to be a long week, or month maybe, even year

after a few training sessions, you warmed up to quaritch and you'd have little conversations here and there, he gave you your room back, it was all back to normal other than the training that you had everyday, but you were getting better, you were close to finally being done

you walked into the courtyeard for training, as usual you did some pushups, he ordered 100 and you did them all inna row without fail

he praised you and moved on to combat, you got everything right, he was shocked how fast youve improved

"i guess my jobs done here, you gotta promise me not to run off again, your not allowed into any missions till i say so"

"yes sir" you reply knowing that if you tried to run off again you were going to he in deep shit

you decided to not run off, and serve for the RDA, they wete using yoh as a puppet to track jake down and you were giving them locations, you ddint want to get on quaritchs bad side

plus after hanging out with quaritch you guys became friends, you thought you had feelings for him but you got rid of the idea knowing you shouldnt be inlive with your superior

the next day you were finally allowed permission to go to the gym, showering after the gym, it was the first time youve been in the gym for months, you noticed something change about the shower rooms but they probably changed while you were gone

then you heard a few male voices, the shower rooms looking different made alot more sense to you now, you were in the mens showers, thankfully the rooms had doors, you were going to wait it out till they were gone

you waited for 30 minutes until someone noticed the locked door thats been locked for way too long, without wster running or anything, they could see under the door and saw feet confirming that there was someone in there

"hey whoevers in there u good" you recognised lyles voice, you tried to make ur voice deep and let out a "mhm"

"didnt know we had an extra member huh, thats weirs, the others are outside it was just me, quaritch, and a few girls at the gym" you just stay silent not wanting to embarrass yourself any further

lyle walks away to save you the ebrassasment, he realized it was someone that wasnt supposed to be here, preferabley a woman . so he decided to just leave

but quaritch stayed, he wasnt going to leave till you left, he wanted to know whos in there "whos in there, come out would ya' its been an hour" you realized that theres no running away from this now, you got dressed and glowly peeked through the door to see quaritch with his hands crossed across his chest standing infront of the stall, "why're ya in here sweet 'eart?" he says, a dirty grin smacked across his face

"i didnt realize this was the mens room till i heard you and lyle come in, tried to wait it out but that didnt work well" you said, embarassed you came here in the first place

"well its alright, grab yr' stuff n leave now, shouldnt be in e're" " yes sir" you said, grabbing your things preparing to leave the mens showers, you dont know how you didnt notice this was the mens bathroom, after all theres some urinals in the corner, must've not seen them

you and quaritvh had grown close, you were basically friends now, not normal friends though, you wouldnt hangout or anything, just occasionaly have talks

your feelings for quaritch just grew in the past few months, you had a crush on him, without a doubt, you werent really friends with the recoms, so you'd end up hanging with some scientists, they werent that bad, they were just tiny compared to you

the next day you were in bed, you were uncontrollably horny, it must be the heat cycle, you heard about it but never did proper research about it, you're fucked, litteraly, because from the things youve heard, it lasts about 2 weeks and the only way to stop it was mating, it was mid day and you couldnt handle it, you took a day off and just stayed in bed

you didnt know what to do, but then, an idea popped in your mind, sure you need to mate to get rid of this, but you could try masturbating to relieve some of the feelings you were feeling, you were pretty nearvous because 1- your door has no lock so anyone can walj it, quaritch removed it because he didnt want you making more shitty plans 2-you never touched yourself in this body.

you layed down under the covers, and slipped your shorts to your knees, you slid your hands between your legs, and you started experimenting, your cold hands on your throbbing,warm,wet pussy felt funny but relieving

you rubbed your clit, the way it felt was amazing, you were sure you'd never be able to feel like this as a human, you slipped your other hand under the covers to push a finger inside yourse;f, maybe this could solve your problem, you were pumping your fingers in and out of yourself making sure to keep an eye on your door incase someone opened it, they tend to do that alot

and, it opened, you stopped your movements quickly putting one of your hands above the covers to make it seem more natural, it would be obvious if both your hands were under the covers

and you guessed it, it was quaritch "y/n why're you talking a day off, we need you today" he said, completley oblivious of what you were doing before he came in

"i just.......needed- a little uhhh break" you said, you didnt now how you were going to explain what was happening to you to him, so you chose not to

"ya sure? ya dont look too tired dya, anything going on that i should know about? dont wantcha makin' one of ya' little plans again do i now?"

"o-okay look sir- so basically... youve heard of the heat cycle shit or whatever it is? basically its happening to me right now and i really CANT join training or anything" a smirk appeared on his face only to soon fade away, "why cant'cha tho? dont know anything bout this stuff but ya' surely can join us?"

"not unless you want me to be incredibly fucking horny while training!" you said fed up with him asking questions, you needed him to leave now, you were just getting hornier by the moment, and his strong musk didnt help

"damn so thas what is is, coulda told me earlier, coulda helped" he said, smug smirk plastered across his face "y' want me to help?" you stood still shocked for a moment, the colonels never offered you help in anything, so the first time of him offering you help, BY HAVING SEX WITH YOU was definently weird "u-uh if you could sure..." you said unsure of what you were saying, your hornyness taking over

quaritch walked over to you, sitting himself on the bed right next to you, this is the closest youve ever been with him, the losest you ever got to him before this was when he tried to teach you how to do something with a knife, you didnt quite remember but that didnt matter right now, all that matters is that you need to have sex with the colonel to get this heat cycle shit over with

quaritch stared at you, then he leaned down, joining your lips together, kissing you, holding your chin with his thumb, the kiss quickly turned into a makeout session and every once in a while one would break the kiss to get a clothing article off, until quaritch was left in his boxers and you completley bare, while you were kissing you pushed the pants that were on your knees off your body, leaving you completley exposed

he cupped your breasts, qauritch was now ontop of you, in a plank like position, still making out, you were both under the covers, quaritch reached his free hand that wasnt holding him up down to pull his boxers off, he pulled them halfway off and broke the kiss, pulled them off, "holy shit.." you said not expecting him to be this big, you were looking at his shaft, it was leaking beads of precum, straining against his lower abdomen. you could say he was ATLEAST 15 inches long, thankfully you were navi and hopefully- could take it

"holy shit i didnt expect you to be this big" you mombeled out of shock, "oh yeah? and youre gonna take it all bitch", he didnt know if you liked being called names, but by the way your body responded, he confirmed that you enjoyed being called names

he reached his hand down your torso, approaching your dripping cunt, he needed to prep you, it was necessary because he was aware of how big he was

he stuck a digit inside you, and you let out a moan, it was more of a whimper because you knew you couldnt be too loud, soon enough there were 2 fingers thrusting in and out of you, ocassionaly scissoring you

he pulled out, reaching for his member to line it up with your cunt, he couldnt wait any longer and neither could you, you need to feel any form of release, you knew you were going to cum less than a minute into him fucking you, but who cares, atleast you'll get this over with, then you remembered you heard some scientist speaking about how if someone was in their heat cycle theyd need to form the tsaheylu bond with their "mate" or else it wouldnt work

you werrnt just about to ask quaritch if you could mate, you didnt know how he'd react to that, who knows maybe itll work if you do it without a bond, it it didnt work then you were going to have to suffer through the remaninig days of this torture

quaritch was pounding into you, you couldnt supress your moans and you were now moaning, you knew everyone could hear you "ya' like tha fact that eveyone can feel hoe good im makin' ya feel huh? dirty slut" him saying that was just getting you closer to your release, quaritch ocassionaly letting soft moans out into your ears, you never expected to hear this man moaning even if it was inaudible

"im about to-" you said, not being able to complete your own scentence "go ahead sweetheart" and thats all it took for you to cum all over his cock, helping you ride out your orgasm nearing his own release

you were being over stimulated now, he finally reached his orgasm with a loud groan, filling your hole up with his seed, quaritch's body went limp and he collapsed on top of you, his head laying next to yours, he regained his strength and he pulled out "we should do this more often" "yeah we should"

quaritch kissed your forehead "cmon go get cleaned up for training" "yeah dont think im gonna be able to walk" you said " well, too bad princess because im forcing you, colonels orders" "ugh" you mumbled with a loud groan sitting yourself up "i heard that" he said reffering to your "ugh"

you got up to go shower, unfortunatley for you, there was no shower in your bedrooms bathroom so you had to go use the recom shower

quaritch left your room a bit ago, you dressed yourself and left the room to head to the showers across the hall, your bedroom was right next to the living room you heard some recoms cheering for you, your face turned purple in embarassment as you walked to the shower not looking back, this was going to be a long day....

[nekonyaniii]

Some thoughts about yexuan with his return to godheim i need to get out this from my head + this is my take and dont come at me also cmiiw!! 😭... spoiler, do not look(read by your own risk also it's so long goodbye)

i was rereading return to godheim yexuan like 88671992974 times ady and I just can't help myself to cry about it everytime I read it.. I really should .. stop .. but I can't LMAO I need to seek theraphy(asmr bday save me pls I just wanna think about 1:30mins make out)

Oh god .., Silver Knight, what have they done to you that make your fate is so harsh in Godheim/Yesai Timeline? Everytime I think about how miserable his fate in there I just can't help myself but get hurted

His explaination is firm but his voice naturally softened when he spoke about her, even Hammel is suprised hearing soft voice. And the more I think, his soft voice is because how he actually care so much about her, likes her from long ago, since his youngself when they meet as a teenagers, he just doesn't realize and can't remember anything(due empire erase his memory) so the only thing in his mind about lilpainter is his senior's daughter but deep down he knows her more than this

After repeating so many cycle of her deaths, he become anxious and hesitates because whenever she is passing away, she affecting his emotions. Hammel noticed and speaks up how this girl hold special place in his heart, he sighs and admit it that he is worried about her!!😭 This cycle is really cruel for him, he see her passing away many TIMES in his own hands how can it not make you anxious? How can he calm after repeating so many little painter's death before his eyes ?

Then he did manage to get out without any scratches left in her body, but soon the poison affect her body and the way he realize it make me so broke. Like .., He finally did it! Without a scracth??! Rescuing her from there! Can you imagine how glad he is when he thought he is finally rescuing her without her dying in his own hand. But as soon as he realize she got poisoned that delay her death, he cannot express how he's feeling, he thought he did it, he thought now can feel in ease after see her stay alive getting out from there.. he burried his face on her knees regretting his mistakes and hiding his emotions knowing that she soon will die again before his eyes, in his arms again, he must prepare for it..

This cycle is one of the hell for him, she confessed to him that lilpainter like him but he cannot return his feelings due it's heavy for him, he cannot spoke it so easily nor because she almost near her death, but because he is gonna be the one who only carries the memories and feelings alone knowing little painter will soon forget it after the new cycle start. His feeling is mixed, he doesn't look forward to see tomorrow knowing she would leave and the cyle will restart.

Now this, make me more depressed about this man. The only person he cherised is little painter and the only person he cares is her. And what if she didn't choose him after that cycle and timeloop. He will the one who bear all those bitter memories alone remembering how she said she likes him while she doesn't remember anything what she said before. Yexuan cannot avoid it, he have to witness everything about her in Yesai timeline(this is so cruel how they write 'destined' which he cannot escape from it ..), he can only watch from afar and guide her also protect her. He always have a soft spot for her but he always push it away that thoughts because he told to himself it's just a unecessary feelings that will hinder him.. There's so many things I want to explain more.. but Silver Knight fate, is really one of a cheff kiss piece. The good thing in this card is because how the ending they ended up together!! Im so happy for them! They also blessed by the goddess! After so many cycle, after so many timeloop and possibilities.. He happy together..🥹 Definetely why this is now my favorite card 😭 I NEED THIS STORIES RELEASED IN GLOBAL ASAP!!

Also i still love how he said this with a smile on his face, he is so hurted but he have to face it eventually.. Damn it yexuan, thank you for making me mentally ill(i got the ss from bilibili o<-<) hahaha

[ramshacklefey]

I get what you're saying. I really do. I just also need you to understand something about polls and data collection.

Tumblr polls are bullshit for gathering data. They are the worst at collecting a proper sample. Absolute garbage. They're bad at getting accurate answers. They're fun, enjoyable social things, but they should not be taken as evidence of what "everyone thinks."

What those polls are showing is not that most active users have been here forever. What they do show is that the people who reblog those polls have many followers who have been here a long time, or perhaps that people who have been here a long time are more likely to vote in a poll about how long they've been here.

And on top of that, consider this. You see a poll where 80% of the people who voted say they've been here more than five years. A total of 8,000 people voted. Does this tell you anything about the overall makeup of Tumblr and who's active users and how long most users have been here?

No.

There are millions of Tumblr users, even discounting the ones that are inactive. 80% of them haven't been here for more than five years. And even if that part were accurate, it tells you nothing about which of those users are the most active, how they prefer to use the site, what they like or dislike, or anything else.

Social media, all social media, can be divided into power users and casual users. Increasingly, this divide looks like "content creators" or "influencers" and "everyone else." It looks like people showing up to be entertained by others, rather than gathering to socialize. Tumblr isn't fundamentally different. Most people who use the site are here to look at what others are doing. Most people reblog without adding anything, or they just like a post and don't reblog it. Most people have hardly any followers. Even when you see a post going around that's an interaction between users, how many of the people who reblog it actually add anything to it?

(This is in no way to say that anyone is "using the site wrong" if they reblog things without any additions. Let's be real, nobody wants that. The power user/casual user divide is perfectly fine, and frankly it makes sense. Most people don't have anything to add, and none of us would want to read a post that had a 40 person long reblog chain if it meant there were 40 individual posts involved.)

And yes, staff have hard numbers on all of this. @cyle and others have talked about it openly. They have far more information than you can ever hope to gather from a poll. They aren't just pulling levers randomly in the dark to see what happens. If something changes, and you hate it, and it stays changed, it isn't because staff is out of touch and doesn't know what's going on. It's because from what they see, which is A LOT, most people liked the change or became more engaged after it was implemented.

I don't like all the changes that have come around recently, but I also don't think that any of them are unilaterally, necessarily bad. Tumblr live is ridiculous, especially as it stands right now. It could be neat, depending on how it develops from here. It could be a cool venue for artists to do live streams, or blogs to do AMAs, etc. Someone could host a live podcast or audiodrama on it. It needs some tweaking in order for that to work, but the potential is there. There are ways that it could be used that would make it uniquely our own. (Nor has the potential escaped me that the reason Tumblr live is the way it is, is that some exec who is completely out of touch demanded it be added, and staff really didn't want to, so they added the most half-assed, weird live streaming thing they could find just to get the exec to shut up)

I had something else I wanted to add here, but I had to get up and eat breakfast in the middle of writing this, and it has completely escaped me now. The material point though, is that polls are fun, but they are not good data gathering. The fact that you've seen a couple polls going around that claim to prove something doesn't mean it's true. If you dislike a change, send in a ticket explaining why you don't like it and how it's negatively affecting your user experience.

i get the point of the polls informally showing that the vast majority of tumblr users have been here for years and barely anyone is new. the problem is that the suits don't look at that kind of data and go "ah, we understand. the majority of our users are oldheads who want things to stay the same. we misunderstood our audience." they absolutely have hard numbers on these things. they surely know most active users have been here forever. but they look at these stats and go "wow, our growth rate really IS shit. we're still relying on an ever-dwindling pool of users who have been here since they were teenagers in the early 2010s. we need to be working even harder to make this place appeal to new users"

the higher ups and investors on sites like this want infinite growth forever. this is why they keep changing the layout to make it look like other, more popular sites, even though we hate it. this is why they try out shit like tumblr live that doesn't appeal to the established core userbase in the slightest. it's not for us. it's also not for the ~5% of active users (if the poll going around is to be believed) who signed up within the last year. no, they're chasing after the hundreds of millions of people who use twitter and the BILLIONS of people who use tiktok, hoping to appeal to them and make tumblr more popular again

this is, of course, deeply stupid. nobody is leaving tiktok to hop on tumblr live. they already have tiktok. and we're on tumblr because we like tumblr, not because we want it to morph into something else. but i'm sure automattic's got venture capital investors breathing down their necks going "why isn't tumblr more like twitter or tiktok or facebook or instagram or" etc. etc., and so here we are

[assortedvillainvault]

Hello again! It’s the Chancellor request anon. You can call me Chance anon if you like. Anyways, could you please do Blitzwing figuring out that he’s in love with the human reader? Thank you for your time!

Chance anon it's good to see you again! Apologies for the radio silence, been very busy as of late irl.

Fuck yeah metal husbando falling headcannons coming right up!

Blitzwing x Human!Reader

Blitwing is chaotic, go figure, but the antics of his entire faction often prove a sensory disaster that only leads to him lashing out more often.

Thus he probably met/stumbled on you when out on patrol as a flimsy excuse to escape the confines of the mines. I say stumbled on you because the mines were selected specifically to be as far from human activity as possible, so you really were out in the sticks and it caught him off guard.

He has no idea what stopped him from just stomping on you to save himself the trouble of being discovered, maybe you just looked cute in abject terror or maybe he didn't feel like picking mush out of his treads again. Either way, you lived.

You also managed to ask the one question he hadn't realised he's been waiting for for over a million years:

"H-Hey, uh...are you ok?"

It was so out of left field that he switched to Random and laughed hysterically for fifteen straight minutes.

Oh sweetspark chromedrop with magnesium sprinles on top...N O.

The damn burst and over the course of several meetups (he finds you by tarcking your phone after the first meeting) you get it ALL. He's a machine built for war in exile from his home planet, was literally experimented on by his own faction to become a BIGGER more PUNCHY machine for war and cannot for the life of him find a way to cure the perpetual headache caused by his split processor - his cohorts are all NUTCASES obsessed with their primusdamn unkillable leader who won't let the cause just DIE already and he hasn't gotten a break in over two hundred stellar cyles-!

Through it all, and lets be real a lot of it went over your head at first, you listen. You don't offer unwanted advice or human perspective, you don't tell him to get a grip or insult his current state of being (a fact the three personalities are EXTREMELY grateful for), you just. Listen.

It's such a balm to get it out to somebody that has absolutely no power over him that Blitzwing finds just the thought of you smoothing down the edges of his rage while on missions.

After a while, he starts asking about you. About why you spend so much time in the woods. What games you like to play, what job you currently do.

It's while waiting for you to show up one evening, he's sat in a clearing when he notices a large tree felled from a recent storm. His hands itch, and without thinking the enormous oak is in his grasp, and he's carefully paring away branches and bark to carve the heartwwod below.

the three persona's calm and focus on the task at hand, simmering rage and mania recede as the ice of his dominant personality melts forward, transforming him into an echo of the idealistic young mech he'd been before this all started.

Hours pass and he jerks as movement catches his optic - you are stretching from your transfixed sitting spot, blushing when he turns to you.

"Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt! You looked so peaceful-" your blush is lighting up the heat sensors in his monocle optic, and he's absolutely transfixed, "-it looks amazing by the way."

He looks down as the statuette carved in his lap. The curves and lines are so utterly organic, so utterly human, the face still as yet uncarved but the proportions perfect to your tiny form. He'd carved it completely unconciously, in total agreement.

Three voices once again take up screaming inside his helm.

Oh.

Oh no.

[wip]

Also, as much as I support tumblr making a move toward monetization (I'm glad it's survived for so long, all things considered) I really hope your team is looking into figures like Yael Eisenstat who have spoken out about the business model of companies like Meta. Please operate differently. This is the only social media I use because it's been able to escape the trend of toxicity, emotional manipulation and extremism. It's not only due to the community on Tumblr, but the way the site has been designed for all these years. I hope Tumblr grows in a way that leads the way for humane social networking sites going forward and doesn't follow in the footsteps of the sites that are literally fuelling the deterioration of civil society. If there's a better email or person I can share these sentiments with, don't hesitate to let me know.

Hey there, @vraist!

First things first: thank you for raising these points. They’re all extremely important to us and at the core of what we value at Tumblr. It’s also what we want to continue supporting well into the future. Ultimately, we want to do it as well as possible to give you all the best possible Hellsite—and the best possible community. So feedback like this is gladly appreciated.

In fact, that feedback and the questions you send to us each week are a vital part of that. So please do keep it rollin’!

Love,

—Cyle (Tumblr Engineering)

[peeterparkr]

perennial;tom holland|eighteen.

chapter eighteen: yellow pansy ↳ flower meanings:  thinking of you.

chapter summary: you left a journal in his top drawer. pairing: tom holland x y/n warnings: haha you’re going to HATE ME word count: 11.5K

previous chapter next chapter   perennial masterlist.

perfidy  ( series masterlist)

it took me ages write this, my writersblock was awful BUT IT’S HERE ! We are missing one more chapter but here it is! I hope you don’t hate me as much as I think you will, I split the ending in two chapters because it was LONG, so expect the final chapter in these days

Please help me out reblogging tags havent been working for me and I know this will flop but I’m really happy I got back into writing

You kept a journal. With flowers printed on them. Each and every single one was given by him. You had recently remembered it, wondering where in your room it could be. Hidden behind some other lost forgotten memories or some other unforgettable mysteries. You wondered if the flowers had kept their color. Most of them hadn’t.

“Well, here goes to the happily ever after,” you said as you smiled, even when the notebook was still roaming your mind.

Tim offered a gentle smile, watching carefully, as the white dress fell down.

When it comes to love stories, happy endings are what we wish for. Life, unfortunately, isn’t like that. But often we are bombarded with stories that are just too good to be true, enough for us to believe this. With them down the sunset on a white horse. With prince charming being charming enough.

With Mister Darcy as the sun is rising telling Elizabeth “You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.”

With Donna and Sam getting married, and a bunch of friends singing Abba songs.

With Noah and Ally peacefully drifting off, hand in hand.

With Baby and Johnny Castle dancing together.

Characters that are but a reflection of our deepest dreams. Ones that are kept secret and shut for the world. With stories that make us believe we are happy.

It’s fine to shield in. But it’s no good to dwell on them.

We often don’t get what we wish for when we shield in a dream.

You wondered, what about Valerie and William?

Or… Tom and Y/n?

Your own story was supposed to be kept a secret, yet it ended up being a script and then a movie that would be seen by thousands. Your story transformed into a story people could shield on. A story that had been merely sentiments, then words and a very bad misunderstanding and… then a film.

Seeing yourself on someone else might have been what helped you understand it. Transforming your story into characters and trying to portray a love story that was born out of hatred… had probably been the first mistake.

If we can say it was ever a mistake. How big of a mistake can it be when it brings you so much joy?

Your luck hadn’t been enough for your own faith. But you always wondered, what happens after the happily ever after? Is it truly the outcome? When two souls find each other? Isn’t it only the beginning?

Valerie and William hadn’t had it.

The story ended with Valerie and Robbie getting together, it fit. That’s how the story had been driven. Tom and you had discussed it over and over, the story was written for Valerie to end up with Robbie.

“This is a story, y/n, it’s not us.” He had assured you. “We need to disconnect from it.”

And it wasn’t. It wasn’t you. But how much had those characters stolen from you?

How disappointing, but you made the decision along with them.

It had been painful to relive some things, and the changes to the script had been made to soothe the pain.

But they had a happily ever after. Separate ways.

Who would’ve thought you’d be so right?

Films and stories often end when marriage comes, or when the couple finally gets together, the happily ever after. You barely believed it was the ending.

Because the real journey began with it. Doesn’t it? Isn't the true adventure when they find each other?

When something goes wrong, though, it means the journey isn’t over. The happily ever after is the ending isn’t it? Isn’t the story over until after they’re happily ever after?

Love, though it might be one of the most precious things, often comes with a heartbreak. A tragedy. It didn't hurt this time, though.

But love, when it’s real, doesn’t seem like a loss even if it ends. Because, isn’t it the ending when they finally are together? If we follow that rule, that the ending is when they’re together then it wasn’t the ending.

Or was it?

You couldn’t help but wonder, however…What if you lived a lie? Just a fairy tale that wasn’t supposed to have a happily ever after.

Though the script was far from reality, you felt like your own story was twisted. Why weren’t you in your ‘happily ever after’?

Maybe the side story was yours. Because you were not the princess about to walk into the sunset.

“I really love the dress,” Tim commented.

You did too, but it had you wondering about happily ever after?

What happens to them after the credit rolls? What happens to the characters when the last page ends? Are those characters strong enough to keep together? Are their stories just dried out? Like flowers. Easily forgotten in a journal hidden in your room.

A bouquet that once served as a beautiful symbol now was scattered on top of the shelf, as a few petals fell down.

Flowers dry out.

“Yes, magnificent,” you answered.

The dress made you remember the day you thought it would last forever. That Tom and you would have that ever after. That it wouldn’t dry out.

Tom had only looked up at you, sitting finally on a director chair and he had smiled. Gently. Caring.

And that thought came to your mind. “I hope this lasts forever.”

And for a moment you thought it could. Maybe it was the endless smiles or the constant yellow flowers adorning your room that would end up on your journal.

But nothing ever does last forever. Not the good things. Not pancakes, or ice cream, or street hot dogs. Moments don’t last forever, that’s why you have to grasp to them.

And there was a point at which you knew, you knew it wouldn’t last forever. Because the film continues.

However, you liked to think that love was like a flower. One that grows. Not one that is cut to be given. A perennial one. One that blooms, and continues to bloom when it’s taken care of. But perennial flowers don’t bloom all the time.

A flower can’t bloom for eternity. And a cut flower will not preserve.

In stories and films, we know detail by detail. From the very first word, to the last breath. But when it comes to your own, you often forget what is important. We barely stop to see, and suddenly, life escapes from your hands and you’re stuck in a moment and you can’t get out.

Before you know it, all you’re left with is a script and a movie you can’t bear to watch because it brings too many memories. But good ones, that is. Mostly good.

Before you know it, you have a box with his stuff, and you’re texting to see when you have to drop them off. And before you know it, he is standing there, and you’re hoping he will beg for one last time because you will give it, but he never does, and stays quiet. Too quiet.

Not every love is perennial. Not every love is meant to bloom again.

Perennial flowers, when they bloom, are the most wonderful. But when they’re away, the skies are gray.

But somehow, we go through it. At least you tried to.

The ‘what if’ comes as something complicated. No pillow talks would’ve helped your case, it seemed like any smiles were now hidden under the bed.

It’s needless to say and regard the multiple emotions that had gone by in the relationship, that week it started or that month it finished. That year, if we are honest. That whole year of your relationship. And you had to look back at it. For it all started in a breakup, that had opened the door to be with the love of your life. It all started with a revenge.

It was weird to see it. How a year before you dated Tom, you would have gone with Tim. How you had expected it, how you thought Tim was the endgame. How that year Harry had asked if you would marry Tim and you’d answered that maybe you would.

How at some point you had considered it again. How you even considered Harry. But Tim.

Had Tim waited for a little bit longer, maybe things would’ve turned out quite different. You were thankful he hadn’t. Tim and you were a lesson to each other. Tim had shown you you can be loved and you had shown Tim he can love. Tim and you were fine now, he had found a girl. Lily. Her name was Lily. Purity. Rebirth.

Because, although it had seemed that Tim had died a little with your last conversation before officially letting him go, he had seen himself shine again. How surprising, her name was Lily. Such a coincidence.

Lily, a girl that could easily be passed by. Yet Tim had stopped to see her.

Tim and you would never share what you both said in that conversation. The last flower he had given you was a daisy. A secret between two friends.

Cherry and you went back to what you were before, strangers to each other. But she’d found a girl, by luck. Heather. She was happy now. Happiest.

A year had gone by. Many things had changed. Mostly you, and though you would look back to your past self and warn her that another heartbreak by Tom would be coming, you wouldn’t change it.

A breakup had opened many doors.

Maybe this one would too.

It was bound to come. How on earth were you supposed to grow flowers on a battlefield? But you’d built it together.

And you had. And everything was good, with sunsets and polaroids, and flowers. And fights that would cycle and cyle. But end up cuddling watching reruns of an old 80’s tv show that you barely watched because you were too busy staring into his eyes.

With old fights that would resurface and other secrets that kept chasing you both. But it was good, when you were trying to get the garden back into place, to try and forget the battlefield. Loving him had come so easily, though. Waking up by his side was taken for granted.

You had thought loving him would be a buzzing street, with crowds bustling as the rain is about to begin. You thought loving him would be a Friday night waiting for someone to show up but never did.

You were wrong.

Loving him was walking through a flower field, and taking a Polaroid of the most beautiful sunset. Loving him meant holding his hand and kissing over and over again.

But loving him meant that the sun eventually would set.

And maybe the heartbreak that had come with this one hadn’t been an actual heartbreak and maybe that’s why it hurt. Because it didn’t.

Maybe you’d forged a heartbreak or a relationship. Maybe that had been it, conning yourselves into believing you were fine when you were far from it.

Looking back maybe it was because of Rome, New York, and eventually LA. Cities that you once said you wouldn’t dare to go back to. But now you are willing to visit. Happily, it’s better to walk in a city full of memories rather than one pointless illusion of the memories you could’ve had.

He had gone to New York, and still took his Polaroid everywhere. A habit you loved about him, it seemed he became an expert on holding onto memories.

The breakup had come after James’ wedding. Lovely wedding, by the way. Fairytale full of wonder. A year ago, shortly after the film had premiered, a year after it finished filming.

It was supposed to come. Because when your own brother was finding his way, you had lost yours.

But what happened? When did life slip in? When did it start ending?

Before you knew it, you had packed your stuff without you being aware of it. You had packed everything up, except your own heart. You left your heart right there, right next to that stupid journal, in his upper drawer, right next to his bed. Had he opened that drawer ever since or had he forgotten about it?

There was your journal, not in your room. In his. And he hadn’t given it back.That’s why you felt lost. Your heart was imprinted there and he hadn’t given it back.

But you had packed everything else, with him not even trying to stop you. Just watching you circle around.

Was it fear? Maybe it had been fear, from both. You supposed that’s how life was. Loving was not a duty.

You only had one request for him, one last request: “Remember me, I was the one to love you, and I was the one to call in the middle of the night when you couldn’t sleep. Just remember me when we’re no longer here.”

Because it hadn’t been your fault, your life just slipped in. Distance. No time for calls. Your job getting too much recognition, his job getting even more. Fights that were only to push each other away so it wouldn’t hurt when you both were away. Maybe being enemies had come useful when it was supposed to end.

Fight, and more fights in the end. Yet you were gripping each other. And life had just slipped in. Like it always does.

And it wasn’t him. And it wasn’t you.

“Tell me you actually want it to end,” he had asked when you had the final box.

You didn’t. But there wasn’t much you could do, expect walk out the doors.

Or was there? But even if it was a breakup, you both agreed to remain friends, and then it transformed into little excuses to see each other.

Because it didn’t end up badly. It had been life slipping in. With barely having any time for something that needed too much time to build on.

Filming initially had helped you, how beautiful it was creating it, what a beautiful outcome it had been out of your heartbreak. With music, and fights and everything that was splendid.

Maybe the film wasn’t a huge success, but it had been enough for you both to try and mend it after.

But when filming had ended and you had to go back, that’s when the problems started. His job, your new one. Him there, you here. When you were together, it was amazing, worth it. But then you barely could. And you could barely grip each other.

Then you were too different. Then you were just the same, so stubborn and stupid.

Then it was old arguments, and new ones.

When was it gone? Had he stopped loving you?

He had asked you, near the end. “Do you still love me? Are we still enough?”

“I do love you.” But you hadn’t answered the second question. And what was it? Why wasn’t it? “Why wouldn’t we?” you had questioned.

“Dunno, it’s delicate.”

It was.

Maybe it had been James’ words for Clark. About how love shouldn’t be forced, how love should be simple and love shouldn’t be hurt. About how they built it together. How it wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t complicated.

And then Clark had said it, too. How he loved being with someone that he enjoyed silence with. How love was more than passion. How love was more than a kiss. Seeing how simple it had been for them, was a bit disappointing for you both. Your relationship was anything but simple.

And it wasn't now because you didn’t trust each other, or because you wanted to fight. No, it simply was life telling you, you shouldn’t be together. And maybe it was also the fact that you both thought you worked because you had never experienced silence together. Always a wreck. Always a mess. Always so passionate. But… was it only that? Maybe it was the passion of the moment.

You knew Tom still played the conversation with Tim over and over in his head. How by the end he said he felt guilty by it all.

You too, you were both driven by guilt and guilt eventually snaps you.

So it ended.

“Is it too soon to end this?” You had asked him.

Tom had shrugged. “Would you rather it be late?”

But that didn’t mean you… had to stop seeing each other. Or did it? So you based your new relationship on excuses. And the excuses had grown. ‘I need to give you this hoodie’, ‘I forgot my charger at your place’ ‘I need someone to drive me to do errands’, ‘I need help running lines’, ‘I need a date for this party.’

And then they didn’t even make sense. ‘I can’t open a jar’ ‘I can’t watch this movie alone’ ‘I need to rant about the ending of this series’ ‘I sneezed and no one blessed me’. Stupid things. And then it was the truth ‘I need to listen to your voice’. ‘I miss you’. ‘I want to see you’.

But it was only seeing each other, with no… relationship. No kissing, no anything. Only excuses. A… friendship.

True friendship, for the first time ever. And you could talk for hours with him until the sun came out, and you could laugh with him.

Maybe it hurt that it wasn’t more, but maybe it was never meant to be like that. But you were in a good place. In the best place you had been. The strongest you had both been, too. How civil you were with clothes on. And how many times had you stopped your will to undress him.

Your lips searched for his but they never got what they wanted, your hands hurt from keeping them to yourself, and your heart would only ache a bit.

From both sides.

Seemed that both of you knew what you had to build up on. And maybe you both knew the risk that would come if you were willing to give it a try without having something to settle on.

Maybe that’s why it didn’t hurt. Because it would bloom again, right? Maybe you were preparing the dirt to plant it in. Not loose flowers now. Have seeds.

Or that’s the idea you built yourself into. Because honestly. Had you ever been more than enemies with benefits?

But now, you were friends. Good friends. Maybe you were in love with him, and grown fonder of him now. Really, really in love. But friends. Friends who stared a little bit too much into each other’s eyes, or friends who would easily recognize each other’s laughter. Friends who would have their feet up the headboard and talk about life. Friends who instinctively would give the other a bite of their food or offer a sip of their drink.

Friends who would take a deep breath each time the other walked into the room, and friends who avoided getting too close that it would be mistaken for something else. Secret moments. Standing on the other sides of the room, turning your head away each time your eyes met.

Maybe you didn’t get the happy ending you wished for, or not the one you had expected to.

But you were happy. And it had ended. Those things were unrelated.

But a lot had changed.

Ay first, you had to fight the urge to undress him. Now you had to fight the urge to stare too long into his smile.

Really, a lot had changed.

Tom had started dating someone else, you didn’t know how long that lasted. You had pretended not to care, although you did.

You went out on dates, too. Didn’t inform him, either. Not explicitly. Though he did know.

Because you were friends. That was the happy ending you deserved.

A lot had changed.

And you were currently helping a bride tie that bow in her dress as she stared at her reflection. Her hair hung to her shoulders and half of it was tied with perfect braids. She was finally having her happy ending.

“Are you ready for the veil?” Timmy asked, as he watched the reflection of the bride.

“Can you give me a bloody second, Timothée?” Emma snapped with her usual tone. “I’m fucking busy right now, the veil can wait, don’t be a dick.”

You only held your laughter eyeing Tim. Tim and you had stopped looking at each other like you felt guilty for a while now. Tom’s jealousy had not exactly been driven away, you guessed it never would go.

But surprisingly enough, they became...friends. Or they could stand each other now after James had talked to both of them.

James and the married life that seemed to suit him. His wedding had been very small, but charming nonetheless. You wondered if you would’ve had something like that, very personal.

Quite a different story from Emma and Harry now. Whose love had conquered. And they had had a rough patch but how difficult can it be when you find your soulmate?

Maybe Harry and Emma had Tom and you doubting too. Tom and you had seen several times that you were not meant to be. Your coincidences in life had not been so, rarely coincidences but the both of you fighting for something. Too stubborn to admit that life was getting in the way.

Tom and you had all the odds in your favor and the ones to fuck it up were you both.

While Harry and Emma always had everything against them and they managed to work it out.

Who’re the soulmates here?

“What a lovely thing the blushing bride is, eh?” Tim rolled his eyes.

Emma had been… quite the bride. Everything had to be perfect, which was not likely for Emma to be that way. But she did say it, since she was marrying the love of her life it had to be big enough. In a rustic hotel, full of books and vintage furniture. A very cottage-like wedding. Very Emma and Harry. Unique.

It was perfect.

It had to, honestly. After the crossroads… everything had changed for them.

How Emma and Harry got back together was no mystery, Harry had been brave enough to go for her. When two souls are meant to be even the rockiest path will be easy to travel by.

It was the opposite of what you and Tom used to have. Emma and Harry had all the friendship, relationship settled, they just missed… the passion.

And so when they found each other, and were like two horny teenagers running around, it became...so effortless. Because they had something built upon.

As if life was rewarding them for their patience. For the love they shared. For each and every smile.

Both wild flowers, Often disregarded, had found each other, and created the most beautiful bouquet.

You only chuckled at Tim’s remark. “Splendid bride.”

While you and Tom had never been friends. Only too driven by the other, and passion and… when it ended? What were you? Were you merely nightly romance?

Tim groaned. “Emma—“he raised the veil. “I’m not trying to—I just think you should be wearing this already.”

“Shut up,” Emma granted. “I will but right now I’m—“

“Staring at your reflection?” Tim challenged. Because Emma was actually just doing that. Staring at the perfect dress she was wearing. Shining brightly like a diamond against the sun, her skin perfectly sparkled.

Emma looked for your glance in the mirror,”y/n, love.”

“Yes?”

“As my maid of honor, what are you willing to do?”

You offered her a grin, “Anything.”

Emma stared into your eyes. “Kill Timothée.”

You chuckled, “Almost anything, you should’ve asked earlier. I don’t want to get blood in my dress.”

Tim was surprised by your words. “So you would’ve?”

“Possibly, I don’t want to encounter a bridezilla Emma.”

Timmy threw his hands in the air. “I just want to help.”

“Well, don’t,” Emma and you said at the same time.

“I’m going to check on the guys, I am one hundredth percent sure they’re still in their pj’s drinking beer,” You commented.

The hotel room for the boy’s was only a floor below. It was everything Harry and Emma had probably wished for. An outdoor wedding that was planned to the very perfection. Very fairytale like. Lights hanging from trees, flower petals covering the aisle, daisies as the centerpieces, and daisies in Emma’s hands. Emma’s dream had always been an outdoor wedding.

When speaking with Emma and Harry both had stated that they made the decision not to give up. Always leaving you to wonder.

There was a part of you that was blinded by desirous thoughts. Had it been a mistake? To conclude a relationship that you had fought so long for?

Lately it had been.

You made your way to the elevator and as it opened you found a familiar face. He seemed uneasy, though.

“Y/N!” His voice was only a confirmation to his precarious state.

Your cheeks furrowed as you smiled, “Clark, hi!”

“Y/N,” he greeted you with a hug, a very nervous hug. as you stepped into the elevator. “Fuck, you look stunning. Loving the flowers on the hair.”

The dress was absolutely stunning, you had to give in that Emma’s taste was remarkable. Sky blue had been her color choice, to match with the flowers. Daisies and hydrangeas. Innocence and beauty.

It was ironic, a bit. You’d helped her with the flowers, and initially she had like sunflowers. As if it had been sntached from you. Maybe it was destiny laughing in your face. Yet she’d gone for the delicate hydrangeas.

“Thanks, Emma’s idea,” you grinned. “Where are you—“

“Oh eh, with the other boys,” he said as you pressed the button. He was shaking.

“So, what’s got you all flustered?” You questioned.

You could see Clark sweating. “Hm?”

“What’s got you all flustered?” You questioned, again.

He didn’t give you an answer. “Clark?”

Clark bit his lip. It was never usual for Clark to be anxious or to hide thoughts for himself. The man was always certain of his thoughts and actions. There was probably a calamity waiting for you.

“I—I am only the messenger,” he said, “I was actually looking for—Tim but—“

There it was. “But?”

“I think you might be of more help,” Clark admitted.

“Clark?” Your brows furrowed as the elevator door opened. He only offered a nervous smile as he licked his lips.

You saw Tom at the end of the hallway, on a call, shirt buttoned half way, his other hand running through his hair, he looked troubled. You were hoping his eyes would meet yours. Ever since the wedding was approaching he had been inattentive. Maybe the wedding hurt as much. It had been so hard for him to switch from lovers to friends. Did he ever stop and wonder if you guys could’ve had one? Did Tom also hindered with painful thoughts of how everything had so carelessly ended?

Lately it was all you had in your mind, how you felt ready. Or maybe it was the pressure that the wedding was giving you. And just as you started getting closer, Tom had backed away without a warning.

James was just getting out of the room, mid hallway. Your brother seemed to be as stressed. The tie around his neck barely covering it, his hair was scrunched. James’ eyes crossed with yours and then went straight to his husband’s.

“You brought y/n?” James pinched the bridge of his nose. “Ah, fuck it,” he looked at his watch. “Yes, you might be more helpful,” James said as he gestured with his hand to come over.

There was clearly something going on. You eyed Tom, who still was not aware you were there.

“I—Sam, no, no, I’ll—I can’t stay here, fuck I have his phone here—“You heard him say before James had dragged you into the room.

You approached your brother. “What is going on?”

“We—couldn’t find Harry’s tie,” James explained.

A tie? This was all of it? This whole catastrophe was for a tie?

“Can't any of you give him yours?” You frowned. It was no surprise that they hadn’t come up with a solution to such a simple problem, you could not expect less from men.

James rolled his eyes. “So he went to search for it about an hour ago but he fucking left his phone here and—“

Then you understood what was going on. “Where’s Harry?” You closed your eyes.

James gulped. “That’s—the thing.”

“Where is Harry?” You questioned, again.

Clark cleared his throat. “We don’t—know.”

Oh, so you were fucked. “Whose stupid idea was—?”

“Well, Dad told me he left home about 40 minutes ago and he didn’t see him at home, Sam hasn’t found him—Their fucking twin telepathy thing is broken, I guess—“Tom had walked in staring at his phone, loudly explaining his previous conversation. “Oh—hi, y/n.”

“Hi.” It was rutinary, for both of you. To just—stop when the other walked into a room. You blushed. Only noticing until then how handsome he looked. Seemed you hadn’t realized how badly you wanted him. In the most innocent way, in the way that you only wanted to offer him your heart. In the way that you only wanted the sole confirmation that he still loved you. In the way you wanted to be the reason for his smile.

You wanted to ask him, if it was okay he was still on your mind. Was it wrong? Would he be chill with him visiting your dreams?

Because that had been the hardest part of it all. At some point you had both decided you needed to move on… Because both of you at the beginning were trying to get back together and after a long conversation that almost led to one kiss, you both decided it wasn’t appropriate. So pretending you didn’t love each other was the way you’d keep him, for whatever it was worth.

Tom had said it once, hadn’t he? How everytime you both stated your feelings… it hurt. So now that you weren’t stating them, you were supposed to not hurt. Why did it, then?

“You look—stunning,” he eyed you up and down, and licked his lips, “I—I’m sorry I didn’t-uh-call this morning-I was—“

“You look pretty, too,” you interrupted. Knowing that the missed call would be a subject for James’ interest. The short story was—you had probably had a few more drinks than you should’ve with him at the hotel bar with Clark and James and Tom had walked you to your room, only walking, not even a kiss on the cheek as much as you had wanted it, but he had promised to call in the morning after you had claimed he had been ignoring you. He hadn’t called.

And was aware of it, which meant he hadn’t forgotten. It meant he had avoided you, again.

It had seemed that from one morning to another Tom had decided that the word friends meant strangers.

Maybe he wouldn’t pay a visit to your dreams.

He reached for your hair, “I like the flowers—”

“Can you both leave your ‘in love but not together’ bullshit for later?” James snapped you both out of the trance. “The wedding is in two hours and the fucking groom is no where in sight.”

Both Tom and you turned to him, travelling back to reality. “Well it’s not my fault! Who—sent him? Why didn’t you guys offer to go for the stupid tie?” You snapped back at your brother.

Tom looked away.

Of course. You watched him. “Tom? How do you plead?”

“Guilty,” he admitted.

You took a deep breath. This was definitely not the scenario you wanted to find yourself in. Had… Harry escaped? It was… not likely to escape but then again, you’d learned not to expect anything.

It was reason enough to worry.

“I wouldn’t jump to conclusions,” Tom said.

James sighed. “He took my car and—“

“You gave him your car to escape—!” You snapped. “Your car always stops working!”

“No,to go for his tie, not to escape,” Tom snapped his fingers with a smile defending your brother. “We-”

“Thomas oh my god, I am not even- All of you, you all thought it was a good idea?” You were furious now. Whose stupid idea was it to-Of course it had been Tom’s. You were going to jump to conclusions. “To send the groom when any of you could have gone-?”

You didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

You really didn’t, however it was ineluctable. Not because Harry didn’t love Emma, but because Harry was… scared. You didn’t blame him. True love comes barely once in a thousand lifetimes and when we finally get to it, it might be too much for us to handle. However after your conversations with Harry this cataclystic outcome had not been foreseen.

“My dad is around the hotel trying to find him,” Tom quickly answered.

You took a deep breath. You perfectly knew Harry.

Harry and you were close as you had once been, in a way, Harry and you were well apprised of the other. Harry was reasonable enough not to leave his wedding.

“He offered to go,” James explained.

Harry wouldn’t have offered that unless he needed to go away. And you only needed one confirmation, there was no way Harry would’ve forgotten his tie. Harry would’ve never forgotten it, unless it had been self sabotaged.

You were conveyed to the drawers, opened each one carefully, fearing you’d find it, and your gut had been right. there it was. The tie in all of its splendor. “And you let him go?” You asked, taking the tie and swinging it to them. “To search for this tie?”

“Yes,” James closed his eyes. “Fuck. We should’ve known.”

Your eyes crossed with Tom’s and then you then realized it, Tom seemed calm. Tom wasn’t freaking out. Not externally. You weren’t sure if he really wasn’t or if it was the usual wall you both build around the other. Incomprehensible it seemed now. Always keeping it cool, So many things you’ve lived and you had let them go oh so easily?

But you were flawed. You had been. But not now, what was stopping you both? Wasn’t he still the one holding your broken heart in the palm of his hand? Had he not borrowed it?

You were still trying to hold his.

But your mind shouldn’t be worried about your relationship with Tom when the groom was nowhere to be found. When he had lied that he lost his tie and it was right in that drawer.

Yet, you somehow knew there was something… Something there.

“He was supposed to go home then?” You questioned Tom.

Tom was getting anxious by the second. “Yes, so we can go look for him.”

“The two of you?” James interrupted.

“Yes the two of us, we could split and look for him but...” Tom said. “Someone has to stay here.”

James was slightly annoyed, you could tell. But James was often annoyed at you and Tom. James had been the most disappointed about the resulting relationship. Honestly, everybody was disappointed. Had you been cowards for giving up?

So much drama and for what?

“Of course you’d think splitting up is a good idea,” James snapped with poison. James was annoyed because he always pointed it out to you, how much you’d fought to have him and how easily you’d walked out.

Walking out had not been easy. Walking out had to be the most painful decision you’ve ever made. And you remembered that night you had, the city was asleep, the night was quiet, and you were the only one standing on that street, under that streetlight. Alone. He hadn’t gone to you. You’d looked back to his window, expecting him to be there, and then the door had remained closed.

You cleared your throat. “I might know where Harry is,” you lied. You were at a loss of your mind at the moment. Maybe it was shock. Not maybe, it certainly was shock. The sole thought of Harry not appearing at his own wedding had not ever crossed your mind. You’d thought Emma would’ve. Would’ve been in character, but how stupid do you have to be to run from your wedding on your wedding day?

Tom directed a glance. “I think I might know where he is, too.”

Did he? Or was he only trying to prove a point?

Though the friendship was afloat, some habits could never wear out. Especially when it came to challenging the other. After the breakup it had become a sort of competition of who was dealing better with it.

Neither of you were coping well, but you wouldn’t admit it.

How disappointing, isn’t it? A whole story to end just in a few words. A whole journey to be plucked off your hands. So quickly, so easily.

How ironic it seemed that after such a long time, it was this breaking up bullshit.

James watched between the both of you. “Do you really?”

“Yes,” Tom and you answered and panicked at the other’s statement.

“Well, I’ll race you there,” you challenged.

Tom squinted, “I don’t have my car, dad gave me a ride.”

“Well, then, you should start running so I don’t beat you there,” you grinned and then walked off the room, decidingly. Only thing left was knowing where exactly Harry had run to.

“This isn’t a fucking game, y/n!” James reminded you. “We need to find Harry.”

“I know, Jamesy!”

Tom had rushed after you, “You have no idea where he is, do you?” He mumbled.

“Not a clue,” you admitted. “You?”

He laughed, “Not a fucking clue, either.”

You both got into the elevator. He dug his hands into his pockets.

“Do you think he escaped?” Tom questioned.

“It’s possible,” you admitted. You sighed, as you pressed the button to the upper floor.

“What are you doing?” Tom asked.

“I need my keys,” You said.

Tom’s eyes widened. “And are you telling Emma?” He was panicking.

“Of course!” You gave him the widest beam. “She’ll be delighted!”

“What?”

You jokingly slapped his head. “Of course not, idiot! How the fuck am I supposed to tell her? What would I even tell her? Hey! We can’t find Harry! He might have run off! No!”

“Right. Then what’s the alibi?” Tom asked. “Just showing up and leaving?”

You sighed, “You, you will be my alibi.”

Tom blinked but followed after you when the elevator door finally left you at your floor, you rushed to the room, but stopped in front of it, buttoning Tom up. He watched you with confusion.

“I thought I was your alibi,” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes, “Not that kind of alibi, dipshit.“

Helaughed, rolling his eyes and avoiding your gaze. “Yeah, it’s been a while since that could be the alibi.”

You decided to ignore the statement, “Now, when I walk in, if you hear Emma question me—just call me and try rushing me.”

“Alright, but I think we need a solid alibi, y/n,” Tom pushed.

You rolled your eyes, “I’ll take care of that,” you confirmed and opened the door where you were welcomed by Timmy, who was about to go out.

“Oh, hey,” Tim greeted and then eyed Tom. “Thomas.”

“Timothée,” Tom nodded his head.

Even when they both presumed to be friends, you knew that Tim and Tom would always have some sort of… disagreement.

“Uh, I was about to… go see Lily,” Tim explained, turning back to you. “Mind staying with Emma-? Her mother is on one last minute arrangements, it might rain so they’re trying to figure out what to do-So if you could—“

“Actually,” you cleared your throat. “An emergency came up, so I need you to stay here, maybe tell Lily to come here?”

Tim frowned. “What emergency?”

“We’re taking care of it,” Tom explained as you rushed in looking for your purse. “We’ll be quick,” he added. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Y/N, babe, you’re back!” Emma commented.

You squinted your eyes closed, “And I’m leaving—sorry, I need to uh—It will be quick I promise there’s an issue with—there’s an emergency—“

Emma was nervous, “y/n? Everything okay? Did something happen to the flowers?”

You couldn’t lie to her, but you could omit the truth. “No, everything okay with the flowers—I promise I’ll be here quickly, I’m just going to—“

“Y/N, darling?” You heard Tom outside. “We need to go, now.”

Emma heard and then she was no longer going to question you. Not right now, at least. “Ah,” Emma said, knowingly as she rolled her eyes. “I see, Tom— an emergency with Tom.”

“I promise it’s not like that,” you assured her. “But everything is okay and— I’ll be here in time.”

“I am freaking out, do you see the sky? It’s grey! Fucking grey! I need to stop the rain!” Emma yelled. “What if it’s a bloody sign? Fuck, I need to talk to Harry, I need him-”

You freaked out by then. “No, Emma, calm down, it’ll be okay, we will figure something out!”

“Y/N! Please!” Tom called in again.

Emma watched you, “I swear to god, y/n, if your emergency is fucking that man I will murder you.” “Trust me, it’s not.”

Emma glared, “Y/N, I’ll only say it one more time. If you’re leaving my wedding to have sex with that hunk, I will kill you.”

You shook your head. “I’m… Trying to figure out what to do with the rain, okay? Leave this ro me! I’ll see you in a bit, Emma!” You ran back out.

You saw Tom’s mother walking down the hallway, she offered you a concerned look.

Tom seemed calm enough for Tim, however, who was watching him with curiosity. You were thankful that they avoided conversing with each other, especially because Tom would probably screw up the alibi. One that you didn’t have. But probably Tim had bought it, even if he had yet to hear what the alibi was. However, you knew that Tom’s presence was a solid alibi for rather than anything else.

Tom had been an alibi for your nerves. You knew that Tim wouldn’t question why you were nervous because he knew you were always nervous when Tom was around. You certainly looked flustered and having Tom there would definitely explain why you were jittery.

Tim raised his brows at you, and you only took Tom’s hand in an attempt to drag him back to the elevator. Tim was explicitly confused.

“Ah, Nikki! I’m so glad you’re here, Emma is finishing up, would you mind helping her?” Your voice was coming out slightly coarse.

The woman gulped, “are Tom and you taking care of the...rain issue?” She questioned.

“Yes, ma’,” Tom quickly nodded, “we will… find the rain.”

Some things never change, Tom was still an idiot. And for being an actor how terrible was he at lying.

“Find?” Tim questioned.

“Nothing to worry about, Tim darling,” Nikki stepped into the room, trying to push Timothee back inside, “they are taking care of it and they should go look at it, right now, chop chop!”

“See you in a bit, Tim!” You said as you ran to the elevator as Nikki closed the door, you finally were able to let go of Tom’s hand.

He cleared his throat as he pressed the button, “So what was the alibi?” Tom second glanced at you. “Why would we take care of the rain?”

“Because it got lost,” you shrugged. “Why else would we find it.”

He closed his eyes as you both walked into the elevator. “I’m an idiot.”

“Biggest one.”

He chuckled, “I—uh, heard Emma’s comment. About her thinking we were going to-”

You blushed, “Yeah.”

Big distance between both of you. Never ever close enough to accidentally brush against each other or hands coincidentally touching.

How different it was from the elevator in New York.

Tom cleared his throat. “Good to know where she stands in that subject.”

You shrugged, “I would also get mad if my best friend ditched me at my wedding to have sex with an idiot.”

He smirked rolling his eyes. “I believe the term she used was hunk.”

You ignored the comment.

“Why didn’t Timothee question us?” Tom asked.

You shrugged, “Haven’t you noticed that no one questions us?”

Tom furrowed his brows. “How so?”

“Whenever we are together, they never ask anything, they just let us be,” you admitted. Because everyone was waiting for you both to get back together or everyone expected something more from you. You never gave it to them.

He tilted his head slightly, agreeing with you. “I guess they think they’re going to make things awkward.”

No. People let you be because they wanted you to solve it.

“As if they could be,” you chuckled. “I think that’s the best part of us right now, people just don’t… meddle.”

Tom smiled, “I guess.”

You cleared your throat, “Now, where the fuck do you reckon Harry is?” You asked as you reached the lobby, turning back to what actually mattered.

“Honestly, I have no idea, nothing can come to my mind, it’s just… Not likely from Harry to run away,” Tom said. “Like—Me? Definitely. I would’ve—“

“Yes, you’d definitely run,” you nodded as you jingled the keys. Tom asked for the car at the valet.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Tom questioned.

“You’d definitely escape from your own wedding,” you chuckled. “You’re so afraid of commitment. It’s the Gemini in you.”

He opened his mouth with pride, “excuse me? Me the one afraid of commitment? May I remind you of your past, my lady?”

You avoided his gaze. “You may not.”

“Said no to a proposal, poor Timothee,” Tom started with a smirk.

“Okay that’s—“You cleared your throat, chuckling slightly. “You shouldn’t—“

“Then—Then,you faked a relationship.”

You eyed him, “are we really going to touch that subject, again?”

“You were scared of commitment enough to fake one,” he joked.

You could joke about it now. Or he could. You’d never joke about it.

“Or I knew you wouldn’t commit so I had to fake I didn’t want it,” you smugly answered.

He faked annoyance. “Well, you ran to another country, yes, just after confessing your lovely feelings through a letter—“

“That’s…different.”

“Then you didn’t give me an answer—you didn’t know if you wanted to date me,” he recalled.

You scoffed, “Thomas, may I remind you why I didn’t want to date you?”

“Then you called it quits after seeing your brother getting married and you were scared we were heading there too,” Tom said.

You gulped, “Ah, yes that last one wasn’t me—“ you reminded him. “Not entirely.”

Tom licked his lips. “Maybe we are both afraid of commitment.”

“No,” you nudged him. “I wasn’t.”

“I wasn’t either.”

There was a sudden silence. You’d barely talked about it before. As if the relationship had suddenly disappeared.

You hadn’t talked about the breakup once in months.

“I would say we are at a crossroads but,” he shrugged. “I do not believe that commitment was the reason for—“

“Nope,” you gave in. “It was not.”

Because it wasn’t, maybe it was the fact you were both too committed to a relationship without form.

“However—you did—“Tom cleared his throat. “I mean—we were headed in some sort of direction.”

“Thomas, I don’t think now is the time to have the conversation we haven’t had.”

“So we should keep pushing it, then? Pretending we are both fine with this agreement? Lately we don’t seem fine with it.”

You knew he was right. Neither of you were entirely happy with this whole new friendship thing. “I—maybe we can talk about it when we find Harry!”

Tom pursed his lips, “so you do want to talk about it?”

You took a deep breath, “Thomas, we can push aside that conversation but we cannot push aside the fact your brother is nowhere to be found on his wedding day.”

“Fine.”

“Besides I think if we’ve pushed it long enough—“

He laughed. “We are—particularly calm about that subject.”

“I don’t think we are,” you admitted. “We just like to pretend when we are calm around each other.”

Tom clicked his tongue, “Maybe. But I’m—We haven’t talked about that in a while.”

“And it’s not the moment right now, it’s your brother’s wedding, and he is nowhere to be found,” you repeated.

Tom’s smile faded and was overstrung again. The car was there.

You let him drive, he usually drove your car. Another habit that hadn’t worn out.

Now things weren’t calm, as if the sudden rush had become the both of you. You finally got it, the anxiety that should’ve come from hearing it. The anger and despair that you were supposed to feel from Harry running away.

He looked down, “what’s that?” He pointed at the cup on the cup holder.

“Coffee, from yesterday,” you explained. “Didn’t finish it.”

“You think I could die from that?” He asked.

You looked at him. “I—don’t know but—You're not thinking of—“

“Drinking it?” Tom smirked. “Yeah, I’m just—-thirsty.”

“Please don’t.”

He took the cup, “I won’t die.”

“I guess not but it’s been sitting here one day!” You tried taking it off. He gripped it and shook his head.

“I won’t die!” He said before taking a sip and scrunching his nose. “This is fucking disgusting.”

“Why are you bloody drinking it?” You laughed.

He laughed, “I—I don’t know, but no it’s not that bad.”

“Thomas what the fuck,” you couldn’t stop laughing. “If you die then I’ll have to take care of your dead body and finding Harry, and my priority is finding Harry so I’d have to pull a Weekend at Bernie’s”

Tom giggled and stuck his tongue out, acting so terribly as if he was actually dying.

“You know,” you watched him with fake repulsion. “You deserve an Oscar for that one performance.”

“Right?” He grinned. “I’ll thank you when I receive it.”

You chuckled, “I think we should focus on Harry instead, yes?”

You both discussed places where he would go, that park? Unlikely. That Pub? He wasn’t there. Home?

Where in the world would he go?

“What if he—?” You were getting tired. “What if he didn’t run away?”

Tom looked over, he was rubbing his face, angry you hadn’t found him at the third pub. “That’s the thing, I don’t think he did.”

“It makes no sense, does it?” You questioned.

“No, he—he loves her,” Tom licked his lips. “It’s cause—“ he clutched to the wheel. “I don’t think Harry would—“

“No, I don’t think so—I just—“

It started to rain, because of course it bloody had to. Seemed that the ambiance always had the urge to level up to the level of drama you were always living.

“Jesus Christ, can we ever get into a dramatic moment without it raining?” Tom questioned, angrily.

You rolled your eyes, suppressing a laugh. “I—It was on the news forecast, I am sorry to inform you, but we’ve got nothing to do with the weather.”

Tom laughed, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“Alright, if he’s not at home then he’s—“You laughed, “Where the fuck is Harry?” You yelled, defeated.

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose. “I—hate Harry.”

You agreed. “Wait—wait, where’s your dad driving around?”

“Dunno, but he would’ve called,” Tom admitted. “Bloody hell, I hate Harry—I—can’t believe he did this.” You stayed quiet. If he had. What had led him to it? The day before he had been alright. Of course, he seemed nervous but he was excited, dreamy. In love.

“What do you know?” He questioned.

You frowned, getting your gaze back to him. “What?”

“You have your—thinking face on,” Tom pointed out. “See? Brow furrowed and hand on hair and everything,” he said. “You feel...guilty?”

“What?” You chuckled nervously. “No!”

“I know you guys spoke yesterday,” he recalled.

“Well yes, I wished him luck, but nothing—He gave me no clue of that, no clues of running away!” you admitted. “He was scared but he—I mean I thought it was usual wedding jitters but—he didn’t—I just—Calmed him. I mean he talked to you before, you probably were the one to scare him!”

“I—what?” Tom was taken aback. “I—I didn’t—“

“He talked to you before me!”

“yes, we talked but I gave him brotherly—marriage advice.”

You scoffed. “You? You gave him marriage advice?”

Tom chuckled nervously, “I—no, but—love advice.”

“We are the last people on earth that should give advice on that,” you stated.

He sighed, “I know but—“

“What did you say to him? Maybe you scared him and that’s why he ran away!” You stated, poking him.

He frowned, “Did not!”

“What did you even say to him?” You pushed. “I just know.”

He rolled his eyes, and mocked, “you just know?”

You playfully slapped his arm. “Yes, idiot! I know, you give the worst advice on love, you’re so dramatic.”

“I am dramatic?” He laughed.

“Yes,” you interrupted before he could even defend himself, “and—and, and I am too. We are—Oh god, are we to blame for Harry running away?”

Tom seemed to realize it at the same time. “I mean—Considering what we both could’ve said—“

Neither of you couldn’t help but laugh, maybe with guilt.

“I’m scared,” Tom admitted. He sighed, holding one last laughter.“We’re fucked.”

You both stayed calmly, as the rain halted against the car.

“What did you talk about with him?” He questioned.

Of course the question held more than that. You knew what he was asking about actually.

Seemed that both of you knew you had basically laid it on Harry the day before. Or maybe not. But where else would Tom ever get his advice from?

You had told him not to give up, you’d told Harry that he had found it, whatever love is, he’d found it.

“How I was proud of him, how I wanted what he was getting,” you shrugged.

You had also joked about how you and him wouldn’t have worked out. But you’d also said you were sorry it hadn’t worked out with Tom either. How you knew that him and Emma were not headed there, that he had nothing to worry about.

How you regretted the script. Spilling out your heartbreak for the world to see. Spilling your love story that was barely one and how people had a lot to say about it.

How it was painful to hide your love. How you knew Tom hadn’t moved on either but probably was planning to.

You told Harry to keep his feelings for Emma, and only Emma. That he didn’t have to share it. You had told Harry to treasure every morning, and to find a flower to talk for him.

“You?”

“I apologized for ruining his engagement party,” Tom nodded, “the first one.”

You both gulped.

“But how I—“ Tom shifted in his seat. “How I thought that they had found the silver linings for it all. That after being apart they’d just come back stronger. And how—I was happy for him. How they overcame all obstacles. And how they were just meant to be.”

“Soulmates they are,” you said. “Which is why it makes no sense he is not there.”

“We need to find him,” he stated.

You nodded. “We are very calm, though, considering-”

“Yeah,” he gave in. “I—What about the park?”

“Oh? The park? Not a park, the park, of course, how didn’t I think of that,” you teased. “Oh yes, the park. As if there aren’t hundreds of parks. Yes the park.”

He snorted a laugh, “shut up! You know where I meant!”

“Well, drive, you pillock!” You chuckled. “Drive to—the park!”

He rolled his eyes and was about to start the car, yet again.

“Wait,” there was a part of you that thought you knew where he might be. But—to explain where it was would be difficult. “Let me drive.”

To try and find Harry. Which was technically the quest.

You had less time now. You were tired. But there was something that was making you believe you could find him. You hoped you were right.

Being behind the wheel with Tom as your copilot was weird. You always let him drive because you usually were in charge of the music.

“Well, given that I’m here, I’ll be for the first time in charge of the music in your car,”he said. He seemed to have the same thing in mind.

Which was completely stupid since you were looking for a lost groom, but well, Tom and you didn’t have much in common but you could always brag about the same stupidity and brain cell you shared.

He took the aux cord as you were driving, driving to that location that wasn’t far enough. A place you knew that gave Harry peace. The park.

But of course your own peace was disturbed as ‘I think we're alone now’ played.

You hadn’t listened to that song in a long while, since you’d danced to it on his living room, most of the lights out, your screen light and his own eyes being the only light you needed. When the things were good.

You had, purposefully, erased most songs that ever reminded you of him.

“You seriously have that song?” You snorted as the memories flooded back in.

Tom avoided your glance and shrugged, “What? It’s on my playlist.”

You rolled your eyes. “Yes, I notice that. That’s how music works.”

There was silence. Probably driven by the growing fear of not finding Harry, probably coming from the fear that Harry had actually escaped. And what would that mean?

Had Tom and you really scared him?

But you both drowned the fear while humming the song.

Or maybe the silence came from the very memories of the song.

“It’s on this specific playlist honestly,” Tom said after a few songs.

You blinked, confused. “What?”

“It’s—the song,” he cleared up. “haven’t you noticed the songs playing are only songs you like? Or songs—”

Songs with background. You shrugged, “Well, we have similar taste.”

He laughed, “No, y/n, we truly don’t.”

You glanced at him, as he was looking out the window. “Huh, alright—maybe that is the reason we broke up.”

Tom clenched his jaw. “Don’t be an idiot.”

You rolled your eyes. “Never mind, that is.”

“No,” he squeezed his eyes shut. “what Imean—this is my—you playlist.”

You didn’t answer. Not right away.

“You’re not going to say anything?” Tom asked.

“What does that even mean?” You questioned.

He licked his lips. “I—well.”

“So you ignore me but you have a playlist—a me playlist?” You questioned.

Tom licked his lips, “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, it’s—been hard.”

It had been, for you, too. “It’s harder if we are apart,” you pointed out.

He gulped, “That is my point,” he coughed. “We are friends,” he said. “And lately, before I started ignoring you—We were—“

You had been acting a bit more than what friends are supposed to act like. And a wedding always brings romance in everything so it was hard.

You cleared your throat, “It makes it weirder if we both walk away from the other.”

Tom bit his lip, “is it, really?” He watched you carefully. “Because, y/n, I—I’ve been… jealous, how they solved it. And how we couldn’t, after we both tried it was so hard, how we kept falling back.”

You had been slightly jealous, too.

“And, really, I—look, I love my brother and Emma, it’s not them ,” he continued, he rolled his eyes. “For all I know, we are both bitter because before James’ wedding happened we were both talking about… marriage and all,” Tom continued. “And they basically stole what could have been our wedding.”

So you were going to have that conversation. A conversation you had avoided even before the breakup. How both of you were… in talks. How you were expecting it. How you’d jitter if he ever got on his knee to tie his shoe, how every time you’d be waiting for it.

“We didn’t even get engaged,” you pointed out, in an attempt to be cynical, probably.

He coughed, “We talked about it. Good thing—We didn’t get that far because, well.”

“I think we both thought marrying would salvage us from falling,” you stated. “Or we thought it was the next step.”

He shrugged, “Yeah, I think we did,” he admitted. “But I—Back then I really thought, I dunno. I was really about to ask.”

You took a deep breath, “I would’ve said yes,” you said easily, though it hurt to even think about it. Though, you had been prepared to say yes.

“It wouldn’t have been right,” he pointed out. “We would’ve broken up before even getting to plan it.”

He was right. So, so right, because where you were heading wasn’t a wedding, you were heading to an even more hurtful breakup.

The decision had been made acknowledging this. Knowing it would hurt less then. Avoiding a terrible breakup.

“We were on a thin line,” you agreed. “Anything would’ve broken us.”

“I knew we were going through a rough patch but—I think we never realized how rough it was.”

You sighed, “Maybe I fucked up when we came back here, when I decided not to move in.”

Tom took a deep breath, “No, it wasn’t that.”

What was it? What had it been?

“I don’t know where we went wrong,” you admitted. “I really don’t.”

He shook his head, confirming he didn’t either. When asked, neither of you had a reason. It just—happened. Things had been just so rough and hard. Nothing to hold on to.

Though it didn’t make sense, you loved him. And he loved you.

“I think we both expected things to get better by themselves.” Tom played with his fingers and watched the window, staring at the raindrops slipping through it. Sliding easily, without no one stopping them.

“And we grew tired of fighting,” you added, as you stopped at a red light.

“Can't even remember what we were fighting about,” he confessed.

You took a heavy breath in, as the music still played in the background. “About nothing, and about everything. We fought over serious stuff, like whether we wanted to be public or not. A little about Tim and Cherry. And over stupid stuff mostly, yeah mostly over stupid stuff. Like when we were supposed to wake up for certain events or what tie you’d wear for James’ wedding, we fought over you staying at my place too much. We also fought about FaceTime hours, and whether we had to ask if we were available for it or not.”

Tom dedicated his glance back to you, sad, upset and full of regret. “I remember the cereal one.”

You raised your brows, “Yeah, that one was a smashing doors one.”

“Over stupid cereal,” he sighed as he brushed his face. “We were so—“

“Toxic?” You finished his sentence.

He chuckled, “yeah, mostly at the end.”

“The beginning too, I mean,” you shook your head. “I—We had sex to just solve everything. Thomas, we had hatred sex.”

He chuckled. “Well.”

You shrugged, “And that’s how we solved the fights initially.”

“It wasn’t enough at the end,” he added.

“It never was, and that’s—Thats why, although we both said we would talk we just—I think that’s why it didn’t work, at the end we just—grew tired of each other, the spark was gone.”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“Maybe it was the script,” you pointed out. “Everything concerning it.”

Learning he had a lot to do with the fact it was made had made you doubt yourself, the one true accomplishment had come because he had come to the rescue. Although it had been nice it had really started the downfall of your trust.

“No,” he shrugged.

He didn’t want to talk about it. You had had enough talks about the script, over the fact you wrote it and then regretted it. Over filming and the input he had in the movie, how the character had more in depth than before.

Over the fact he had come to your rescue because it hadn’t been good enough. That one specially had been the start of your downfall. Seemed that when you learned about it, you had completely gone mental. Though, it had come from his heart, he didn’t understand why you were angry.

You had always asked him not to ever give a hand with your writing, if you wanted to succeed it would be for your own accomplishments.

Then again, there was also this side that loved he had helped.

Truth is, it hadn’t affected your relationship, but it had affected your own self trust. And if you can’t trust yourself, however will you trust someone else?

Enough talks had been had.

“No,” Tom started. “We were guilty. Both of us, as if we were making it up for past mistakes. I never stopped thinking about what Tim said, and I think that’s why I always tried making it up for all the other times I hurt you. And then you tried making it up for the script, or—Whatever, it was a relationship built up on guilt.”

“Yeah, I think,” you whispered almost not wanting to be heard, “we both had things to learn about ourselves, and forgive ourselves first… and the timing was wrong.”

Tom shrugged, “Isn't it always wrong with us?”

Time was your true enemy. Or maybe it was easier to blame time rather than yourselves. Time was nothing.

It had been you and your pride or your fear, or whatever you came up with now.

However, there was some truth in that statement. Maybe in the past few months it had been time.

When you had told James and Harry you might want to get back together, Tom was dating.

When you were dating, Harry had told you he was thinking about it.

But what about now? Neither of you were dating, you were single and every odd could push you both to be together. Yet…You were not.

How disappointing, you would always think. Such a long story to end up like this.

How disappointing, really.

“No,” he stated, once again. “It’s not time. The problem might be we are the most stupid people to walk on earth.”

“Sounds reasonable,” you said. You nudged him, “look at us now, though, able to talk.”

“I like where we are, yeah,” Tom commented. “I think we are in a good place, we trust each other, we are friends, good friends, we take care, we hang out. We talk. And actually talk.”

You were focusing on the road, mainly, but your heart wanted to say more things. “Yeah.”

“There’s something bothering you,” Tom stared, intrigued.

“I don’t like you avoiding me,” you stated. “I really can’t stand it.”

“I won’t avoid you, then.”

Then, it was quiet. And it didn’t matter, you enjoyed moments of silence, and it wasn’t awkward. Both of you had learned that sometimes you just don’t have to say a word.

But you had to, in fear he would feel you were angry at the previous conversation.“It’s not even all songs I like,” you pointed out.

“Hm?”

“The playlist,” you decided you didn’t want to continue that past conversation.

He coughed, “So we are changing the conversation, huh? Well, they are songs that remind me of you but hey!” He nudged you. “Which ones don’t you like?”

So easily changing subjects and getting out a smile.

“I—we can get back to that later,” you turned to him and let out a soft chuckle. “songs that remind you of me?” You smirked, poking his shoulder.

He blushed, rolling his eyes. “Yes,” he admitted defeatedly.

You laughed, “You’re such a nerd.”

“What the fuck! It’s supposed to be sweet!” He complained.

You shrugged. “Or creepy.”

“No, it’s not—“

“I’m kidding I’m—more flattered than spooked—“ you admitted. “So why are you playing it?” You poked his cheek this time and he pushed your hand away.

“Because I’ve noticed you always complain about the music so when I play this you don’t!” He explained, annoyed.

“Oh, so it’s merely to keep me quiet,” you snickered, nodding.

Tom was moving his jaw, “Yes, basically.”

You glanced again, mischievously. “Wasn’t it supposed to be sweet?”

“No.”

You reached for his hair. “Tommy.”

“Don’t Tommy me,” he chuckled. “You called me creepy.”

“Yes, I don’t know how to flirt so I bully you, I thought we had that covered,” you snapped without giving it a second thought. Then completely regretting it.

His smirk was wide now, as he laughed maniacally. “Oh so you’re flirting.”

Your turn to blush had come. “No.”

He grinned. “You are.”

But then it was a miracle, a way to avoid this subject completely because it was not the conversation to be having with the current situation. “Shut up.”

“No, you are trying to flirt with me, I won’t shut up!” He mocked you.

“Shut up!”

“No!”

“Thomas! I think that’s Harry!”

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[jasetheace16]

i was tagged by @superchlorine to play this :D

Rules: Make a new post and spell out your URL with song titles, then tag as many people as there are letters in your URL

Fun fact: I've learned how to sing and/or play most of these on guitar. For the most part, this list is a combination of my high school iPod and my current "set list" that i'm practicing

Just Give Me a Reason - P!nk

Adore You - Harry Styles

Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground

Ex's and Oh's - Atreyu

To the Hellfire - Lorna Shore

Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tees

Eleven - Khalid

American Idiot - Green Day

Check Yes, Juliet - We the Kings

Everlong - Foo Fighters

One for the Money - Escape the Fate

Sixpounder - Children of Bodom

Tragically, I don't think I have 10 people to tag, but I'll tag as many as I can: @leamotion @bad-request @blowery @courtney @an-ode-to-spot @cyle

EDIT: Forgot to add songs for the numbers in my name, and changed the "S" song to something i know how to play instead

[sugar-petals]

I like the idea of soulmates but it fails to make sense to me. Yeah in first place to be born and be able to think and be aware of everthing is without official purpose too. Like to this day nobody can tell you really what the purpose of life is. So why should soulmates make ense or have a clear answer to them. But then also why are we being reincarnated, if you are into astrology you will come across the theme of things you learned in past lives and things you have to learn now but why? (1/~)

When will you be stopped reincarnated? Or does it stop only when a certain karmic debt is paid while you everytime get a new side quest. What role can the soulmate play when we are not always promised to meet them in every lifetime? If we can go a whole life without meeting them are they even important? (2/2)

that’s a run through several schools of thought:

the purpose of life is experiencing. (neale donald walsch) 

humans reincarnate because our driving force of remaining desire cannot exist in a vacuum after death. hence you escape samsara = the cyle through liberation from the suffering that comes with attachments. meaning, it leaves no unfinished business that would require another life. (theravada buddism)

among others, you can attain said enlightenment aka moksha through three ways. love of god = self, knowledge, or compassionate deeds — bhaktiyoga, jnanayoga, karmayoga. (hinduism)

you may be in your last physical life if your sun or north node is in the 12th house, meaning you went through the entire circle. if your 7th house is empty, your shadow side is resolved, so it won’t attract. (astrology)

karmic debt is not important, it can’t influence you if you choose to. only thought and the now matters. meditation is the key. (zen buddhism)

the soulmate plays their own role in the first place, is important by themselves. they’re not born to be yours. in fact, they do what you do simply as a different reflection. they’re merely a choice of many available to you, not a fate since free will is always granted to us. they could be important but you decide against it by your belief or vibration. ironically, once you see them outside of being solely in relation to you and focus on you, that’s how they arrive. (new age)

being your own soulmate matters first, otherwise a soulmate won’t materialize and exist on the outside anyway. the establishing of harmony and order inside of oneself is all that’s needed to steer things. what other people do will follow naturally and in balance to that. (taoism)

[therearemonstersinthedark]

Astronautical Ch 7

A Guardians of the Galaxy Fanwork

Pairings: n/a

Genre: Adventure, general

Word Count: 6k

Rating: T to be safe

Links: Fanfiction.net || Ao3

Summary:   Peter and his new crew set their sights on the planet Halfworld with the hope of rescuing Groot, but first they have to convince Yondu and his ravagers to lend their help, and hope that the heist won't include any undue surprises.

Author’s Notes: I’m really bad at remembering to upload here, sorry!

Astronautical Ch 7: Angel With A Shotgun

The security measures in this so called research facility were a joke. The men Korath had been assigned to take on this mission had mowed down the little robots with ease, and the staff turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of sniveling cowards in white coats.

Korath strode down the corridors of the tiny laboratory unit. The air was filled with the smell of antiseptic cleaners and medical grade rubbing alcohol, with a distinct undercurrent of fear and death that drifted in and out; a sour smell that Korath knew all too well. A metallic rattling of doors and the sounds of animals snuffling and scrabbling at their cages drifted down the white hallways. In some far removed corner something was howling, a high keening noise that sounded hollow and mournful even to Korath's uncaring ear.

The so called doctor that led him through the lab was trembling, the seams on his white coat dancing with his violent shivers and occasional sniffling.

"H-h-h-here." He hiccuped, gesturing to a pair of swinging doors with windows set into them. "This is-is the Enhancements Research Lab."

Korath shoved the doors open roughly and stepped inside, grabbing the researcher by the scruff of his coat and dragging him in as well.

Inside, the reek of harsh cleaning chemicals was stronger than ever. Korath wrinkled his nose against the cloying smell and resisted the urge to sneeze. Two large empty tables made up the center of the room, racks of surgical equipment and tubing arranged around them on rolling carts, and used bloody rags and gauze pads piled up and spilled out of the tiny trash receptacles underneath. Inactive monitors and computers lined the walls. Against the far wall, several small kennels were nestled among the technology. In one Korath could make out a pair of white-tipped ears poking out from a bundle of white towels. Likely the creature was recovering from a recent surgery.

"Are you-" The man in the coat squeaked out, hands wringing together. "Are you going to kill us?"

Korath turned his head to consider the trembling man, hardly much older that Korath himself by the looks of it, eyes wide and rolling in terror and dark hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, and felt a wave of disgust swell up from within. He found he wanted desperately to tell him that yes, he would be ridding the universe of their parasitic presence, but he had his orders, so instead he pulled his lips back into a poor impersonation of a smile that didn't at all hide the cruel intentions in his eyes.

"Now why would we waste such precious resources?"

.

The three cycles passed in surprising peace. Nebula and Drax both seemed to be making an effort to actually get along. For Drax this meant easing back on the insults, both direct and underhanded, and even opening up about his family in brief moments. For Nebula it seemed to mostly mean remaining fairly scarce, but she could occasionally be drawn into some of the less rowdy conversations and even snorted into a bowl of soup so hard at one of Drax's joke that she had to leave the table for a while.

They made great time to the rendevouz point which turned out to be a thriving outpost on a small moon in the Godstears galaxy, arriving a whole half-cyle early which gave Peter plenty of time to work on some of the minor repairs his ship still needed.

Work was slow but steady with his broken finger. The others had offered to help, and he probably should have let them, but he was enjoying the peace and solitude after days cramped in the one-man ship. The swirling designs Drax had drawn across his cast and a little smiling face that Nebula had added after she had taken Peter's request to 'Just sign your name with a smiley face or whatever' too literally was all the company he needed. The air was crisp and refreshing and from the open access hatch he could hear the low rumble of Drax's voice floating up from the common area, and a softer murmer that was probably Nebula's reply.

He had finished repairing the big dent over the left wing and was working on welding a couple of smaller cracks and scrapes over the hood when he caught the familiar sight of the Eclector lowering down through the misty sky.

Hastily, he stashed his tools back into the box at his side and poked his head down the access hatch.

"Hey guys," He called, tossing Drax the box of tools when he caught the man's eye so he could work his way down into the ship. "Ready to go?"

.

They had arranged to hold the meeting in the common room of the Elector itself to avoid any information leaking into the wrong ears. Walking up the loading ramp of his old ravager ship was a surreal experience. He hadn't been there for the destruction of all but the third quadrant, but in the time that followed he had grown used to the smaller, emptier, portion of the ship, and the sea of familiar dead faces floating by were disturbing on a whole new level. Half of these men should be dead by Yondu's own hand, with the help of Rocket, and the other half had suffered a far worse fate at the hands of their own crew in the viscious mutiny. For the most part, Peter wasn't even sure which of his old crewmates fell to which side of that fate. Other than a few names that Rocket could recall all he really knew was that they were all, each and every one of them, dead, save for Kraglin.

Seemingly oblivious to Peter's discomfort, the ravager crew welcomed him aboard with cheers and good natured slaps on the back. Despite Drax's earlier misgivings about the degenerate crew, he seemed to be enjoying the ruckus, although the large glass of something frothy and amber that someone had shoved into his hand may have had something to do with his sudden turn around in attitude. Nebula stalked silently behind him, tense as an overdrawn bowstring, and looking about as ready to snap.

Being equipped to host a crew of well over a hundred men full time, the common room of the Eclector was massive compared to the tiny little storage space on the Milano. It used to remind Peter of a cafeteria as a child. Several tables and a collection of couches, chairs, and benches were scattered across the room, used for everything from eating meals to taking naps, to gambling away ones earnings. Peter had learned how to use weighted die on the low wooden table in the far corner, and had lost one of his favorite pistols betting on a match in the empty spot behind the long tan couch that was about 5 shades lighter at that time.

"What the hell is this?!" The sharp bark cut through the easy laughter like a gunshot through a flock of birds, scattering the ravagers and opening a wide berth around the newcomers. All eyes turned to the captain who stalked down into the room with a thunderstorm on his face. Heavy boots slapped against the metal steps leading down from the upper levels and Peter was startled to see the point of his arrow peaking out from under his coat.

"Who wants to tell me what one of Thanos's assassins is doing on my ship!?" He hollered as he stopped at the bottom of the staircase, Kraglin and several other crew members who had followed him down spilled into the room after him looking confused but ready to spring into action at their captains command.

At his side Peter could see Nebula's hand inch towards the batons strapped to her back. He desperately hoped this was a sign of her erring towards non-lethal combat if it came to blows.

"It's Okay, Yondu, they're with me-" Peter started, stepping forward.

"Well they'd better be off my damned ship! I don't need her kind of trouble in my operations!" The crew surrounding them began to shift and murmured, eyeing Nebula now with a mix of disquiet and open hostility.

"Look, Yondu, she's defected from Thanos's army, Okay? No trouble. So everyone just calm down and we can talk this out like adults. Adults who are about to be really rich if we pull off this heist." The mention of money seemed to quiet down the less violent members of the crew, though some still looked like they were spoiling for a fight.

"If she really did turn on Thanos, then I'm betting there ain't nothing on that planet worth more than the bounty on her head." Yondu hissed back, hardly sparing his wayward son a sideways glance. The murmuring around them grew more excited and the rustling of clothes and boots grew louder as the crew edged closer.

Nebula was beginning to more closely resemble a cornered animal than a master assassin, eyes darting around for an escape route and hands poised over her weapons. Much to Peter's surprise, Drax drew closer as well, subtly shifting to cover Nebula's back and fixing the nearest ravagers with a warning glare.

Double shit. Things were not going as smoothly as he had hoped. Since when was Yondu such a coward? Sure he had never gone out of his way to deal with any of Thanos's thugs, it was just common sense not to seek out that hornets nest, but he had never seemed outright afraid of much of anyone. Something else was going on here.

"Well it would be a losing bet." Peter huffed back, sticking out his chin defiantly. "The information she has is invaluable, and since when do you work for Thanos?" Yondu sneered back at him, knowing that he couldn't ignore the challenge to his pride in front of the crew.

"You know I don't work for nobody but my own damned self, boy, so you best cut the crap and tell me what's on that planet that you want so desperately."

"That's none of your business."

"It's entirely my business! It's my ships, and my crew you're askin' to borrow, and I ain't no damned fairy godmother here to magically grant your wishes fer nothin' more'n the warm fuzzy feelin' of doin' what's right."

Peter resisted the urge to chew on his lip. He couldn't just say 'I'm doing this to rescue my friend.' That kind of sentimentality wasn't going to be winning him any points with the crew right now, and while maybe Yondu could be persuaded to overlook it if they had been discussing things in private, there was no way it wasn't just going to earn him a clout him over the head here.

"It's a weapon of sorts." Peter ventured, gauging the reactions of the room as he went. "Something one-of-a-kind and invaluable to me."

"So you're holdin' out on us, huh?" Yondu was pacing now, addressing the room as much as his guests, and making a show of it. "Taking the big payment and tossin' us the scraps, is it? And what's to keep us from just, say, double crossin' you and takin' this one-of-a-kind invaluable weapon of yours, hm?" The crew snickered around them.

"Because you don't trade in bodies." Peter growled back, effectively silencing the muffled laughter and causing Yondu to pause and fix him with a long cold stare.

"A'ight, boyo. I'll hear you out. Why don't you come on up and we'll talk in private?" The ends of his duster flicked out as he turned back to the stairs he had come down from. "Just you. Leave these friends a'yours down here."

Peter opened his mouth to protest but was stopped by the sound of Drax clearing his throat.

"Go. We can take care of ourselves."

Looking at the Champion, mug of beer held stubbornly in one hand and the other hand wrapped lazily around the hilt of one of his freshly sharpened blades, and Thanos's ex-daughter who had since regained her composure and stood with defiant ease under the sea of eyes, and realized that he believed him. They would be fine. With a grateful smile he followed after the captain. As he climbed up to the next floor he could hear Drax's voice rise up from below.

"Now, who is foolish enough to think they can defeat me in a game of arm wrestling!?" A chorus of excited cheers rose up in response and Peter couldn't help the chuckle that followed.

.

Several flights up Yondu was waiting for him in the drafting room. Peter was hardly surprised to find Kraglin there as well. The man had always been like a scrawny second shadow to the centurian. Working his way up through the ranks to become the captain's right hand man at an impressively young age.

"Now, are you going to tell me what's goin' on here. The truth, boyo. We don't deal in tradin' people, and I know you don't either, so what the hell is this place, and who the hell are you willing to break into it to retrieve?"

Peter squared his shoulders and schooled his face carefully into a neutral expression, but this close to the man who had died in his arms in the empty void of space as what failed to be his father collapsed behind him was making it difficult to concentrate. He wanted nothing more right now but to step forward and throw his arms around the man who had raised him and beg his forgiveness.

"It's a research facility of sorts. According to Nebula they develop cutting edge weapons tech and enhancements. They're keeping a friend of mine there and I can't get him out alone." Peter leveled as best he could without giving too much away. He really didn't need a repeat of the infinity stone fiasco, and didn't know if the mention of going toe to toe with The Mad Titan himself would spook the Ravager captain from this plan. "I have a scheme I'm working on and I need his help to pull it off."

"And you're willin' to risk my crew and give up anything of value for him?" Yondu hummed to himself and took a seat in one of the big chairs, Kraglin taking his usual place at his shoulder.

"Cap, if he has inside information then this could be a pretty good score for us. Fernweh would be willing to pay top dollar for weapons of that quality, no questions asked."

"That's another thing." Yondu seemed to ignore his first mate's point to lean toward Peter with narrowed eyes. "How is it that you came across one of Thanos's children, and what makes you so sure she's not just leadin' you about to sell you out at the first chance she gets?"

"Thaaaaats a long story, but basically I got picked up by Ronan for being StarLord and she helped me escape." Peter chuckled.

Yondu slammed his fist against the arm of his chair, startling Kraglin as much as Peter.

"What did I tell you about that blasted childsname of yours?!"

"Whoah, take it easy, it's just my old outlaw name. I've always-"

"I told'ya to keep your goddamned trap shut and never use that stupid name O' yours and you couldn't even do that, could you?" He didn't just look upset now, he looked downright dangerous. What was the big deal? It was just a nickname. A really good one, yeah, but his Yondu had never once given half an Orlani's ass about it, so why was it suddenly such an issue? Unless...

"Is this about the bounty on my name?" He asked. That didn't make much sense, he'd been going by that name for years before the encounter on Xandar that changed everything. Something cold and hard ran its icy fingers across his gut.

"...How long, exactly, has there been a bounty on that name?" How far back did these changes run? He had assumed that whoever rewrote this new universe had just changed a few things from around the time that the Infinity stone came into his life. This news changed things. And not for the better.

"Since around the time my crew plucked your scrawny ass on up from that sorry little dirt ball you called home. I don't know what kind of joke the cosmos are makin' here, but if you were dumb enough to call yourself by that name in front of The Accuser then I would suggest gettin' as far away from that assassin as you can and keeping your fool head low for a long while, or it'll be cut off 'fore you know it."

"I can't do that, Yondu. And don't worry about Nebula, really. She hates Thanos more than anyone else I've ever met. I don't think she'll be turning me over any time soon. Besides, we need her for this to work. No one else knows this facility, the codes, and the security measures."

Yondu looked less than pleased by Peter's reply, but when he glanced at his first mate, Kraglin just nodded encouragingly.

"The men could really use a good firefight Cap. They're gettin' kind of restless with these last couple'a escort jobs. I caught them tryin' to set up some sorta bettin' operation with darts and blindfolds in a pit... I didn't ask too many questions."

Yondu made a face that was somewhere between exasperated and disgusted, peeling the corner of his lip up to reveal pointed teeth.

"A'ight. You got your cover fire, but don't expect me to go to bat for you if you get yourself stuck down there, and if the damages to my M-ships start eating into the profits it'll be your hide it's comin' outta, you got that boy?"

Peter nodded and tried not to let the smug grin win over his face.

Yondu stood and led the way back down towards the common room. As they approached a rhythmic clapping and hooting drifted up from the open hatch. Down below the crew had formed into a tight circle around several figures. Nebula sat on one side of one of the tables, her bionic hand held up with her elbow resting against the table top. On the other side stood three ravagers, huffing and panting as they struggled to tip her hand backward. Despite their creative cursing and all three of them working up a good sweat, her slender arm refused to budge even an inch.

"LISTEN UP!" Yondo's voice cut through the excitement, everything falling to a silence punctuated by a loud bang and the howling of the man whose hand Nebula had just slammed against the table, effectively ending the game. Yondu fixed him with a hard stare and he fell silent as well, tucking his injured hand against his chest.

"We're goin' on a heist!" The crew once more erupted into cheers. More bottles of liquor were pulled out from who knows where and several members stopped to pat their injured crewmember and laugh at him good-naturedly.

.

The Keystone quadrant was definitely out of the way. It was so far removed from the closest inhabited system that the nearest jump point they could find dropped them nearly a whole cycle's travel away. This gave them plenty of time to hammer out the finer details of the plan and prepare for their roles. The M-ships were all dusted off and tuned up, and Peter pulled out some spare uniforms for Drax and Nebula. It was like a strange DejaVu pulling the old never-worn-in-this-universe outfits once more. He didn't even bother giving Drax the top half of his uniform this time around, and Nebula cut the left arm off of what should have been Gamora's uniform. Seeing Nebula walk around in it reminded Peter of just how much he missed having the green woman's calm and reassuring presence in his life. He desperately hoped they would find her soon.

Two of Peter's spare guns, an old set he had purchased as a birthday present to himself because they reminded him of the old action movies he would watch on Earth, were strapped to Nebula's hips. Apparantly she was some sort of sharpshot. First Gamora and now her sister; was everyone's thing going to be guns now?

Drax had also been given something that resembled a small caliber rocket launcher from the Eclector's armory which he had slung across his back.

The hustle and bustle of preparations were a welcome distraction from the tight feeling in his chest, and before he knew it they were putting the plan into motion.

As the planet Halfword took the form of a tiny dim dot in the windshields Peter took his place in the co-pilots chair. There had been some discussion about it, and it had been decided that since Nebula knew the security systems and lay of the land better, and currently had the full use of both of her hands, that she should be the one to pilot them in. And by decided, he meant he had been outvoted two-to-one.

Drax the traitor was once more in the back seat manning the weapons system in case they were spotted prematurely. Peter had once offered him the front but was informed that the back seat had more leg room, and that, unlike Peter, Drax did not have scrawny little baby legs which could fit between the front seats and the too-close consoles. Peter felt that he could have just made his point, without outright insulting him.

They approached the planet with the power dropped into its lowest setting, the lights dimmed until he could only make out the glowing control panels and the silhouettes of his teammates. The plan was for them to coast in under the sensors, disguised as so much space rubble. Nebula knew of a few points in their radars where it was strictly automated, and the system's AI would not immediately alert the guards to the intrusion of something that fell bellow the energy expectations of a live spacecraft.

Yondu and his fleet of M-ships would remain hidden behind one of several dead planets nearby and wait for a signal that they had arranged to send out when they had located Groot and were ready to leave the planet. The signal was a short burst of energy designed to mimic the communication waves used by Thanos' own vessels, so with any luck the inhabitants would assume it was a failed hailing frequency and that would buy them enough time for the M-ships to show up and them to slip out undetected.

Entrance into the atmosphere went off without a hitch. No fleet of guards or blaring alarms greeted them as they glided down to land in what looked like some sort of loading bay that hadn't been used in years. A thick layer of ashy dust had settled over the black buildings all around them, billowing out from under the ship in a wave as they touched down, only to settle back down before the engines even cut, like it was just too tired to be bothered and wanted nothing but to return to its eternal slumber.

Outside of the ship everything was eirily quiet. Even the sound of their boots was muffled in the dust as they crept through the empty buildings. They had chosen to launch their assault under the cover of the planet's night cycle and touch down in a deactivated portion of the facility that was no longer monitored. In the distance, the lights of the active facility shone like beacons guiding them through the darkness.

They came upon the first access point they had to pass through, a thick concrete-type wall that ran the perimeter of the entire active facility and housing for the inhabitants. As Nebula stepped forward to tap in a series of numbers into a keypad with 15 glowing symbols Peter held his breath. This was the moment of truth. Either the code would work and the system had not been updated, granting them access through the rest of the facility undetected, or it would be rejected and they would be immediately discovered.

With the code entered, the keypad made a sort of soft whirring noise before blinking a light teal color. The soft click of a bolt unlocking was one of the sweetest sounds Peter had ever heard.

On the other side of the wall stood more buildings, just as silent and still, but here there was no layer of dust to shuffle through, and the shadows were fewer. Their first stop was a warehouse near the center of the facility. According to Nebula this was where they stored most of the research material, and where they would most likely find the items that they needed to repay the ravagers with. Things were going to get much trickier once they had Groot in tow, and Peter would much rather not have to worry about that on the way out.

The keypad on this building was of a much higher tech, but Nebula's codes work nonetheless and before he knew it they were tiptoeing through poorly lit rows of priceless artifacts, all neatly labeled and carefully placed on metal shelves. Peter had no clue what any of these things were. That swirling black and white rock at his shoulder could be worth millions on the black market, or could just be a worthless rock. Fortunately, Nebula seemed to know what she was after and grabbed a number of seemingly random items as she passed, handing them to Drax who stored them away in a large leather satchel strung across his shoulders.

Just for the kicks, Peter snagged a few smaller items that caught his eye and shoved them into his own pockets; A couple small pebbles that seemed to glow from within, a weird computer chip, some sort of grey and red box that was about the size of his fist... They each had labels but it was all just gibberish to him.

When Drax's bag was filled they slipped into a hallway at the back of the building and followed it deeper into the slumbering facility. The lights in here were so dim that Peter could only barely make out the edges of several tables as they passed. He activated his mask after he didn't notice one in time and was confused when it rolled away on squeaky wheels after he bumped it with his hip. Under the infrared sensors of his mask, he was disturbed to discover that many of the tables were actually gurneys and steel carts of various shapes and sizes. Creepy.

What felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes later, Nebula finally led them through an empty courtyard and into an imposing grey building that had no windows and a very thick automated door that required a complicated code and the press of a hand to enter. They ducked under the door as it rolled up into the wall at a sedated pace, too impatient to wait for it to finish its lengthy journey.

"What is this place?" Drax asked, his hushed voice echoing down the empty hall.

"This is where they keep the rowdier test subjects." Nebula whispered back. Now that she mentioned it, Peter realized that the doors they were passing here had heavy bolts fixing the frames to the walls, and window slits that were just big enough to look through, but wouldn't easily accommodate an escaping body. Below the windows were metal plates with numbers engraved into them, even numbers on their right, and odd ones to their left. They were passing number 7 now, but when Peter paused to peer through the window he was thankful to find it empty. He checked the next few, and found them empty as well, until Nebula cursed at him to hurry up.

Unlike the rest of the rooms, door number 15 had a chart hanging below the engraved number. Here they paused, and when Peter put his face against the glass he could make out the dark form of Groot hunched in the corner, knees drawn against his chest and head resting on his knees so that he more closely resembled a gigantic bird's nest than the teammate he was looking for.

"That's him." He whispered, struggling to keep his voice down now that his friend was so close and stepping back so Nebula could access the keypad.

"How do you remember all these codes?" He asked as she typed in a simple three digit code. As far as he could tell, every single code had been different.

"My father always stressed a good memory." She murmmured back, swinging the door open and entering the room. "He hated repeating himself."

Upon their entrance the lights inside the room turned on, temporarily blinding Peter as he disabled his mask and let his eyes adjust. The figure in the corner had not moved at all in the time it took him to regain his bearings.

"Groot." He called out softly, although there was probably no one around to hear even if he had been shouting. "Come on buddy, we're here to get you out."

That at least elicited some sort of response.

The Flora Colossus slowly uncurled with the dry rustling sound of old twigs and kindling sliding over each other. He looked terrible. The few leaves that were present were shriveled up and brittle, and his usual layer of vibrant green moss was absent. Dark eyes, which Peter knew to be soft and expressive, appeared cloudy and unfocused as they blinked up at him. A thick unbroken band of black metal was wrapped around his neck like a collar.

"I... am groot." His voice was hoarse and wispy.

"My name is Peter Quill." Peter soothed him. "We're here to rescue you."

"I am groot." Groot rasped out, turning his dry squinting gaze on Nebula.

"Not this time, buddy. She's not going to hurt you again, she's here to help me save you."

"You can understand him?" Nebula interrupted.

"Oh, yeah. I mean I kind of raised him in my timeline." This only earned him an arched eyebrow and no further questions. Groot either didn't hear or didn't care, too focused on the thought of escape.

"So what do you say?" He turned his attention back to Groot, still hunched miserably on the ground. "Come with us and we'll leave this ugly place."

Groot drew a deep shuddering breath and struggled to his feet.

"I... Am... Groot!"

"Then let's go." Peter and Nebula turned to the door, pausing in the hallway and waiting for the colossus to catch up. As he ducked through the doorway a red light winked into life on his collar and he hunched over with a gasp of pain. At the same time a deafening screech tore through the air causing Peter to flinch and reach for his ears.

"Damn it!" He screamed over the alarm. "The door! GET TO THE DOOR!"

Drax shot off like a bullet for the main door which was descending at a much quicker pace than it had opened at. With a dramatic slide Drax made it just in time to shove his shoulder under the door and hold it open.

Nebula paused long enough to take a hold of the collar with her cybernetic arm -Sparks burst out where she made contact and the brittle wood of Groot's body crunched as she forced her fingers between the metal and the wood and twisted the collar off with a strangled cry of her own- and then followed swiftly after him.

"HURRY UP!" Drax roared, straining under the significant weight.

Groot, however, was going nowhere quickly in his dilapidated state, lumbering desperately towards the sliver of freedom at the end of the hallway with his mouth set in a grim line.

Nebula added her strength to holding back the door which inched closer to the ground, forcing Drax to his knee, while Peter did his best to hurry the tree along, pulling the signal button from his back pocket and mashing it repeatedly, hoping Yondu would get the message that they were in trouble and hurry things up.

"Come on Groot, just a little further. Give it all you got."

"I..." Groot gasped out, stumbling forward just a little faster.

"Am..." Drax was screaming now as the door pressed into his back, bending his neck into an awkward angle as his muscles bulged like they were about to burst.

"GROOT!" Groot reached the door just as Drax's chest was bent down to his knee. Vines errupted from his outstretched arms to wrap around the base of the door, warping the metal so that it folded upwards like a set of drapes.

"YES!" Peter whooped and cheered as he activated his mask and pulled out his right-hand blaster. Just like old times.

Out in the courtyard blinding searchlights threw down dizzying shadows and followed them as they ran across the open space. Red tinted beams rained down from atop the walls, pinging off the ground at their heels.

"It's just the automated response!" Nebula shouted over the noise as she fired back into the dark. Several miniscule explosions sounded where she had hit her marks. "Let's get out of here before any of the live guards show up!"

"It's a little late for that, Sister." Korath's voice boomed through the court as the automated bullets suddenly stopped, the four Guardians skidded to a halt as well. Squinting against the light, Peter could just make out the form of Thanos's son and easily a couple dozen armed Kree soldiers all standing on the walls surrounding them.

"Get out of the way Korath." Peter shouted back, screwing up his face and aiming his blaster as best he could through the burning lights. "We cut through you once and we'll do it again."

At his sides Drax and Nebula were lining up their shots, and Groot's arms swelled and creaked as he gathered himself.

Korath's laughter echoed around them, loud and viscious.

"You won't find these soldiers so easy to outmanuever."

As he spoke a smaller shadow broke off from the rest and dropped down into the courtyard before them, blocking the exit. Peter's heart caught in his throat as he stared at the stranger under the harsh white lights.

"Rocket...? Oh, buddy, what have they done to you?"

End

[warlockboyfriends]

idk how this gonna appear on mobile, but its been a while since i’ve made a huge ass vent post

i feel so stuck. i just. don't even fully exist on this plane of reality anymore. i pretty much only keep my body alive to keep my brain alive so that i can escape to all these stupid realities i've created. my depression & anxiety have gotten so much worse & dealing with my trauma alone is so exhausting. i can't seem to find anything to live for anymore. i keep thinking that top surgery is going to save me somehow, but deep down i know it won't. i read up on too many cases of people being underwhelmed by their top surgery. i keep treating the idea of top surgery as a fix all. but i don't even have the money for it. i can't find a job bc my mental health is so bad. i'm 19 & i can't drive & don't have a stable income. and i'm just constantly preparing myself for when i have to completely cut myself off from my family. my parents are both homophobic & transphobic. if they ever find out i'm trans & then i'm completely & utterly fucked. my moms already kicked me out of the house before. i lived with a friend for 4 months & i wasn't welcome in that house either (my friends aunt just kept complaining about everything i did). i was barely eating then bc i didn't have money. sometimes my dad would buy me food & i wouldn't have survived w out him! especially bc i have so many food allergies. he paid for my medications too. i would die on my own. i feel like i'm stuck in a destructive cyle & i have no idea how to break out of it. i'm just slowly rotting away. i remember at 16, everyone on this site told me things would get better. i turn 20 in a few months & i just feel like a shell. this isn't better than before. i have nothing & no one.

[vamp-28-love]

I wish I never touched this stupid drug.I wish I never got introduced to it. I dont like religion. life sucks no one understands me i have really bad anxiety to the point were going outside everyday is a challenge. Imagine being in my shoes and hating yourself and knowing ur a full on piece of shit no one wants around. Is my use ever going to stop. I dont like asking for help I dont like being told what to do. I’am very much agonist authority. I fucking hate rules If i went to rehab which i went to a detox and holy shit it was horrible. I would probley fuck shit up and get kicked out. Thats just my attitude. my mind cant stop thinking about shit and its a endless cycle I know that I’am literally being insane doing the same thing over and over when I know fully well its wrong illegal and bad. doing drugs okay cats out of the bag.Will i ever be free of this rope of wanting it to cope with it. I can imagine it now giving me a big hug. I fall asleep and sleep as if I dont exist and then I wake up to the horror of having to do it again thats the only bad part. While your in it its so awesome. way better than sex way better than food way better than anything.Is it better than life itself? If it wasent herion would of it been achocl or something else. I obess over it it is a obession it is my bf it is my sex life its is everything to me. But in the end it dose destroy it dose cause pain it dose kill. Iam aware of this I avoid the horrible truths of this evil drug but the way it fills my receptors in my brain its making love to me. Do i dare fuck with it again or do I stay in this endless cycle were money is meaningless and I have to be lectured by man and treated ugly by men.People looking on the outside you are so much better they say without it how the fuck would you know. You just dont want me to have fun anymore.The realtiey is herion in the long run only leads one road and that road is always the same. Tolerance equals more which then quals more money then which means you need more drugs which then leads to risky beahvior which then leads to health issues then which leads to being around people who are selfish and let me say it who will fuck you over wether its by stealing from you and beating the shit out of you and kicking you in the stomach or men punching you in the face or being raped. All these probley could of been avoided if I dident use.Some survive and walk stronger some relaspe and cyle coutines. Some escape it and find happyiness and some die from it.Do I want to be a addict no did I wake up saying this is what I want no. But I did have a choice to stick that needle in my arm I do have a choice and I can either  have self control and avoid it or I can give in to temptation. but why I ask is herion so bad if Iam not hurting anyone else and other people are enjoying themselves. Well if herion was legal then it would probley be diffrent but herion isent legal so I’am basically commiting a crime evryday I dont see it as a crime as more of a health problem but cops and judges arent seeing it that way and lets just be honest for a second cops and judges DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK  youare the enmey to the cop you are the one to be shot they could give a shit less they are just cleaning up the street and you are trash my friend to the legal system. So the question is do I want to coutine this cycle of hiding beign sick ect chasing this drug with this wonderful high or do I want to stop it and put a end to it. Well thats a loaded question right there quiting isent easy. esspiley when its herion. I’am lucky because I’am a Scorpio and well what are Scorpios know for they are know to be liek phonixs to fall and to be pure ash to rise then to regenrate. That means I deal with change somewhat better than others that I do have the power to rise and be anew but do I want that? I’am so used to doing herion that I dont really see life any other way. But weather I want it or not it seems this year I turned 30 and I’am not 20 anymore. I can either grow the fuck up and be responible or coutine to do this chase . I just run away anytime I feel pain I run to that needle I think I have to be able to sit with lonleyniess to be able to sit withmyself anf realize ill be okay as long as i stay away. and live a addiction free life. Sometimes i wish herion could just kill me already I’am a burden a nobody and a fuck up i was hoping it would take me but it hasent and iam still here.sadley i should be glad but iam not life is hard and mostly painful but it makes those moments of happyiness ten times better we as humans have the right to pursue happyiness its not going to be given well to some it is given but even money dosent always do it. What iam saying is as a human we need to strive to pursue to climb and when we climb and get to that tippy top mabye for a moment it will feel better than herion mabye. So here i go entering this sad  world filled with anxiety. filled with a low self esteem filled with darkness and depression. I dont mean to hurt anyone or spread my critical thinking about everything but  boy i feel so alone so alone in my pain. can i get better ? probley not  watver happens in the end it ends the same we all die alone. And Iam going to try thats all i can do is try.having life is a gift having two feets and two arms is a gift and not wanting to live is selfish but I cant help it okay. I wish I actually had more of a feeling to live but herion is so much stronger. god if ur real grant me the strength to get clean unversive why iam here? why iam still alive ? iam here to help others iam here for what reason. I am not sure anymore fuck i just want to be high right now i wouldent be thinking or writing about such sad shit serisley i have already written enough fuck i hope no one reads this what i ned to rember is there are other humans that are crazy like me lol mabye even crazier fuck everyone iam outta here peace and love

[theauthorfiles-blog]

Melody Delgado - First Chapter Excerpt for Royally Entitled

ROYALLY ENTITLED

By

Melody Delgado

melodydelgadoauthor@gmail.com

cyle@hartlineliterary.com

 Chapter One

Miss Anika Penning glanced down from the top of the mulberry tree she’d climbed and stole a glimpse of Prince Valdemar riding past her on his white stallion. She held her breath, hoping he wouldn’t look up and catch her spying on him.

“Anika, we’re leaving,” her father hollered from the back porch.

Botheration! She’d told her parents she wasn’t going to the fair with them.  

As Prince Valdemar spurred his horse and dashed back and forth along the palace grounds bordering Anika’s property, she realized she wouldn’t be ablet to emerge from the tree without being seen by him. But maybe, if she hurried, she could climb halfway down and then scurry off while he rode away in the opposite direction.

She began making her descent from branch to branch while Finn, their ten-year-old stable boy, gazed up at her from the ground below.

“Oh there you are, Miss Penning,” he called out to her. His clothing was stained with jam, and his hair was a mass of blond curls that hadn’t seen a brush in days. “Your father’s been searching for you.”

“Tell him to leave without me,” she whispered, putting a finger to her lips. “I’m not going.”

“What’s that?” Finn shouted, just as Prince Valdemar rode by again. “You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear what you’re saying if you whisper.”

Was the boy thickheaded, or was he purposely trying to thwart her?

“Tell my father not to wait for me,” she said.

“He is waiting for you,” Finn hollered. “But don’t worry. Your mother said she needed another minute or two.” He strode towards the house.  

Drat! He’d misunderstood her. “Finn! Wait!”

“We are waiting,” he said, glancing back at her over his shoulder. “But since you’re going, I’ll stay behind to help with the chores.”

Anika opened her mouth to correct him, but he ran off before she could utter another word. Now she’d have to hurry. Her father would just keep sending people to search for her if she tarried.

Waiting until the prince’s horse galloped off towards the palace, she climbed down to the lower branches. When she jumped from the bottom branch to the ground she landed in a large pile of sticky, wet, mulberries. She slipped, tried to keep her footing, but fell face forward right into another huge mound of moist purple fruit.  

“Botheration,” she muttered, leaning up on her elbows. Her hands were stained with purple juice, so was her dress. She raked a hand across her face and ripped a gooey purple mulberry from her cheek, as a pair of gleaming black leather boots strode towards her, and a horse whinnied from a few feet away.

No no no!

She maneuvered herself into a sitting position and dared to look up.

A tall, young man with long, straight, copper-colored hair stood over her. Prince Valdemar, trying to stifle a laugh, extended a hand to help her up. “I’ve always found it difficult to climb trees while wearing a gown and silk slippers,” he said with a smirk. “Why don’t you try to stand? Then we can determine whether or not to fetch a doctor.”

Anika remained where she was, sitting in the sludge, staring up at him, unable to speak. Good thing she hadn’t fallen far enough to be badly hurt. It was her pride that was wounded, that was all.

She pushed off the ground while he took hold of her hand and pulled her to a standing position. Staggering forward a few steps, she felt a bit off balance at his touch. Maybe she had injured herself somehow.

He furrowed his brows as he watched her stumbling about. “Perhaps we should get help.”

Once she stepped away from the mulberries, and was on firm, un-littered ground, her walking returned to normal. “No need,” she said. “It was just the berries. They’re slippery when squished.”

A small laugh escaped from him. “Ah, that might be a good thing to keep in mind for future endeavors.” He surveyed the tall branches towering above him. “Do you often climb trees?”

Anika glanced from the top of his blue velvet cap, to his creamy white linen tunic, and down to his polished leather boots. His grooming was impeccable. Several servants had probably helped him dress. He even smelled like limes.

If she were to admit that she did partake of such unfeminine activities as climbing trees, he might be correct in assuming that she liked fishing and hunting as well. These pursuits didn’t leave her smelling anything like fresh fruit. But better to be honest, she decided.

“Well, uh, yes, I’m afraid I’ve not yet outgrown my desire for such pursuits.”

“How old are you?”

“Seventeen.”

“Interesting …” He raised his eyebrows then glanced around at the flowers and plants surrounding them. “Well, it’s certainly a nice day to be out of doors.”

Was he just being kind by staying and chatting with her, or was he always so amiable? Perhaps he wanted to alleviate her embarrassment by making it seem as if falling out of a tree and landing in a pile of mulberries was a normal everyday occurrence.

Squinting at her, he was quiet for a moment. “I don’t believe we’ve met. Allow me to introduce myself. Valdemar Dresden, at your service.” He bowed elegantly. “And to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”

“Oh, uh,” Anika’s hands began smoothing the old brown linen dress she’d worn in order to blend into the tree. But when she realized there was nothing she could do to improve her appearance, she stood tall and curtsied. “Miss Anika Penning. Thank you for your kind assistance. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to help you when you fall.”

The prince smirked and choked back another laugh.

Anika folded her arms across her chest. “Do you mock me because, in your ignorance, you think you won’t ever need anyone’s help, or because you assume that someone like me would never be able to assist you with something you might need assistance with?” Her voice grew faster and louder as she spoke.

He stared at her, wide-eyed, as if she were a six-headed dragon.

“We’re leaving, Anika!” her father called.

Prince Valdemar backed away from her. “I do believe that’s my cue to depart.” He hopped back on his horse, and rode off before she could utter another word.

She chided herself. He’d been kind, for goodness’ sake. But she just had to put her foot in it and let her temper get the best of her.

“Anika!”

Botheration! Her father was waiting and there she stood, idle, mulling over her conversation with a stranger.

She rushed to the well in the back yard, buried her hands in a bucket of water, and cleaned up as best she could. Then she grabbed her hat from the ground and raced around the house to the front lawn.  

Mr. Penning sat atop the box of their carriage, grasping the horses’ reins.

“I’m sorry, Father, but I won’t be able to join you.” Anika donned her felt hat, and adjusted the brim to block out the morning sun.

The beige color of his farmer’s hat and tunic blended into his skin, making him look old and tired. He was in sore need of a day off. “If that’s what you want,” he answered. “But remember, the agricultural fair comes but once a year.”

“Please go enjoy yourself, Father, you’ve earned it. I’ll stay behind and tend to the animals.”

 Anika’s mother rushed out of the house wearing a crisp, green, linen dress. Her brown hair had been expertly braided and encircled atop her head, like a crown. “Pray for our cider to win first place at the fair,” she said, hurrying past Anika and climbing into the waiting carriage. When she leaned out the window to wave goodbye, she caught sight of Anika’s stained dress and frowned. “What happened this time? Never mind, I don’t want to know. How on earth can we trust you to stay home alone, if this is how you’ve decided to start the day?”

“Westlowe is just a short distance away. You’ll be back well before supper. What could go wrong before —”

“Lady Sarah! Wait!” Finn dashed down the front steps, clutching a sturdy leather pouch, and handed it to Anika’s mother.

“You found my purse!” Lady Sarah reached inside it, grabbed a copper penning, and handed it to Finn. “Here is your reward.”

Finn beamed, placed the coin in his pocket, and ran off, while Mr. Penning whipped the horses into motion.  

A horse-drawn wagon carrying kegs of apple cider rolled slowly behind. The farmhands, Bertram and Victor, sat on the perch, while Una, the housekeeper, and Inga, the cook, sat in the rear amidst the straw, keeping watch over the precious barrels of juice.

“I didn’t have time to gather the eggs, Miss Penning.” Una said, picking hay off of her black linen dress with her long thin hands.

“Do not fret,” Anika said. “Finn offered to stay behind and help with the chores. If he doesn’t get to it, I promise, I will.”

“Where is that good-for-nothing, anyway?” Inga scolded. “I doubt you’ll get much help from him!” Her double chin shook and her gray hair tumbled out of her white cap. “We all know he’s eating us out of house and home as we speak. Stable boy my foot, lazy hanger-on more like. He likely snatched Lady Sarah’s purse, and then hid it, so he could look the hero and gain a reward when it was found.”

Anika stifled a laugh. Inga could well have been right.

The wagon picked up speed. “We’ll have everything sorted out by the time you get back,” Anika said, waving.

Once the carriages rolled past the iron gates, Anika rushed to the barn. “Finn!” she shouted. “Time to help with the chores.”

No answer. Botheration! For weeks she’d been waiting for some free time so she could ready her clothes for the ball, and instead, there she was, in a stench-filled barn, trying to maneuver her way through the dung-littered ground.

She hurried to feed the pigs and sheep then rushed to the chicken coop and filled a basket with eggs. She sighed wearily when she discovered heavy udders beneath their white cow, but gathered a pail and a three-legged stool.

As she sat pulling and squeezing Blossom’s heavy underbelly, she was tempted to brood over Finn’s laziness, but she remembered her mother asking her to pray for their cider to win first place at the fair, so she sent up a silent prayer asking God to work on their behalf.

When she finished milking Blossom, she noticed Finn’s shovel resting against a wall of the barn. She trudged over to the nearest horse and checked its stall. Not a bit of work had been done. “Finn!” she hollered.

He took his time strolling out from a stall further down, holding a butter cookie in his grimy hands.

Anika’s blood boiled. “Where have you been? I’ve been calling for you.”

“You’re here.” He bit into his cookie and munched. “What you be needing my help for?”

“Oh no you don’t.” Anika placed her hands on her hips. “I’ve been helping with the chores so Father and the servants can take the day off, but you’ve got to clean out the horses’ stalls like you always do.”

Finn swallowed the last bite of biscuit. “And what will you be doing?”

Insolent child! As if she were accountable to him. “I’ve got more than enough of my own work to do, thank you.”

“Oh of course you do. The ball is but a week away, and rumors be flying that Prince Valdemar himself might go.” Finn made kissing sounds with his lips. “And look at you. Ha! You’re right. It’ll take loads of work to get you ready to be around any man, let alone a prince.” Finn guffawed, pointing at the purple stains all over Anika’s clothing. “Is that why you was spying on him? So you can see what he looks like all grown up and then run up to him and beg him for a dance?” He folded his hands and held them beneath his chin. “Please, Prince Valdemar, dance with me, pick me,” he said in a high-pitched voice.

“Enough already, you’ve made your point.” She grabbed the shovel and handed it to him.

“At your service, Your Royal Highness,” Finn said, bowing and mocking her.

Anika rushed to her bedroom to change. Then she gingerly placed her ball gown atop a basket of dirty clothes, and lugged the gown and all her laundry down the long staircase.

Though the dress was one of her mother’s old castoffs it was made of pink satin, and its creamy white lace panels needed to be treated with the utmost care. It still needed a quick wash to freshen it up. But it had to dry, get altered to fit her, and then pressed to perfection. She didn’t like wearing frilly dresses, but she couldn’t show up for the ball wearing one of her usual faded frocks. Besides, it would be a welcome change to dress up for a special occasion.

Una, their housekeeper, had always done the wash, but Anika had taken to scrubbing her personal items herself, along with her sheets and coverlet. There was something disconcerting about Una touching her lace-trimmed knickers and scratchy petticoats, one moment, and then calling her “Miss Penning” a few minutes later.

When Anika reached the kitchen, she placed her laundry in a metal tub, washed everything with goose grease soap then hung it all out to dry on the branches of some shrubs growing behind the barn where they’d not be disturbed.

Her back ached from her efforts but since her chores were completed, she went for a leisurely stroll through the rows of sweet-smelling apple trees, which grew in the orchard. A warm breeze swept through the deep green leaves, while puffy white clouds floated along the powder blue sky. Bees buzzed near the fruit that had fallen onto the leaf-covered ground below, and birds whistled overhead. It was a perfect September day.   

Listening to the sounds of nature made Anika’s fingers ache for a few rounds of target practice with her crossbow. She grabbed some rotten apples from the ground, ran around to the other side of the house, and lined them up along the top of a wooden fence. Then she rushed inside and up the stairs, snatched the weapon from beneath her bed, and wandered back outside.

Anika loaded a bolt, raised her bow, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The bolt pierced the center of the apple, sending it sailing several feet before it fell to the ground. All but three of the remaining apples met the same fate. Even with little time to practice, she hadn’t lost her touch.

The errant bolts rested near the edge of the fence. She wandered over to collect them, but froze when she bent to pick them up. Suddenly, the air began to smell like a cake that had been left in the oven too long and had become charred and blackened. Something was burning.

She threw down her weapon and ran around the perimeter of the house, searching frantically for the source of the smell. When she reached the orchard, she held her hand to her mouth, and gasped. The trees were engulfed in bright red flames!

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  About the Author/Book Blurbs

Melody earned her bachelor’s degree in music from Florida State University and she has taken writing courses from Charter Oak College. She continued her vocal studies at New England Conservatory. With this classical training, she has performed soprano solos at concerts and conferences along the East Coast and overseas.

Along with her husband, she’s helped to produce charity events in Florida, Massachusetts, and Mexico, which have included toy drives, foster care visits, vaccine awareness projects and medical supply distribution. She has also participated in mission work and assisted with benevolent projects in the Middle East.

She enjoys public speaking and is passionate about spiritual issues for women and topics pertaining to writers.

OOPS-A-DAISY, an inspirational novel for young readers, is the first in the De La Cruz Diaries released by Clean Reads. Continuing stories about the fictional nation of Brevalia will be forthcoming in the Brides of Brevalia series.

She lives in Florida with her husband and children and is represented by Cyle Young of the Hartline Literary Agency. 

Follow her at the following locations -

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Melody_Delgado_

website: http://www.melodydelgado.com

facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Brevalia/

 Book Blurb

ROYALLY ENTITLED

The first book in the Brides of Brevalia Series

When her family’s cider business is ruined and other local businesses are vandalized, Anika Pembrie wonders if the recent bout of unrest is merely a result of rivalry between local merchants and noblemen or if something more sinister is at the root of the recent crimes.

Along her journey Anika befriends Prince Valdemar, future king of Brevalia, but their relationship hits many twists and turns along the way. Lady Winifred Paxel Flemming pursues the prince relentlessly. His grandmother, Queen Marguerite, expects him to wed whoever she thinks is suitable, even if it means marrying a foreign princess he’s never met.

Anika’s mother, Lady Sarah, wants Anika to help ease the family’s financial burdens by marrying Erland Riccats, National Chairman of the Merchants Guild. Lady Sarah is also harboring secrets regarding Prince Valdemar’s mother, Princess Karin, who met an untimely death years before. In the end, will both Anika and Prince Valdemar be forced into loveless marriages, or will they be able to outwit their enemies?

[the-half-blood-asian]

The worst feeling

I hate to admit it, but ive been getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I feel lost, stuck in an endless cycle of a constant downward spiral towards a never ending abyss. Nothing excites me like it used to, life doesnt feel vibrant or colorful anymore. Im not eating like i should, i get hungry yet nothing appeals to me, not even my favorite food. It all just looks so gross and revolting. I feel like im going insane with this endless repetitive cyle. I dont know how all these people manage themselves, i dont know how to do anything, nor do i have any drive or motivation to do or learn anything. My doctor keeps increasing my medication to help me and its still showing no progress. Ive tried everything ranging from professionals to friends, working out to medication to video games and everything in between. I just keep spiraling downwards into this sickening black void, this endless depression. I used to be happy for a time but i would get episodes and as time went on they got longer and eventually it took over yet again. Im trying to turn a new leaf, to try to be nicer than ive ever been before, im trying to stop being so mean cold and bitter but its not working either. My exes have fucked me up so bad that its hard to believe women even though i know i should, a little voice screams at me to throw up my walls and run and that i cant trust anyone or anything they say. In fact that holds truth for anyone, any compliments i get i dont believe because i just always wait for the sarcastic remark or "just kidding" that usually follows suit of a compliment by the majority of people. "Nick you are so smart and have so much potential" i dont believe those because they probably tell tons of other people the exact same thing no matter what to make us believe we are something greater than what we are not. Maybe its selfish or rude of me to think that way but i cant help it, im fucked up that way, i cant believe anyone when they compliment me or when they say something kind about me. I just want to fall away and disapear, to run away from all of this to escape it all. I just want all this pain and bullshit to end, i dont want to feel this way anymore, i want this depression to end.

[crowdfunding-donations]

I live in an abusive situation. The individual I'm currently living with is an argumentative, alcoholic bully. I am subjected to their "temper tantrums" daily (ex. i do all the household chores, the one time they had to empty a trash can, I ended up having it smashed against the side of my head during a drunken rage). Emotionally, the moment I wake up to the moment I come in from work, everything I do is mocked, criticised, put-down, and scoffed at.

This person stalks around myself and the other room mate during "arguments" (which everything is an argument if you don't agree with 100% of what he says and don't give him 100% of the attention). During a room mate discussion, he got "triggered" out of the blue and punched a dent in the solid metal fridge right beside my head, because "I wasn't letting HIM talk" when neither of us had gotten a word in edgewise for nearly an hour.

When I got my cat, he began to complain about it. "I don't want a cat in MY house" (it's all three of our's house just fyi) It's been a few months, and now this person has begun to threaten to kill my cat, they explain how they'll do it in great detail. He torments my cat, going INTO my room to throw shit at it and laugh, then freaks out when it hisses at him. To quote, "Get rid of the damn cat by tomorrow or I'll snap it's neck with my workboots".

I'll lay it out honestly, "THEY" are my father. He is my room mate, and I am being forced to leave my home because of him. I'm in my late 20s, the other room mate is in his 50s, and he's dealing with similar issues. My father wouldn't dare pull any of this on the other room mate, but takes it out on his family when they visit. My father once kicked his brother's dog so hard, for accidently clawing him, the dog defecated on impact, so I know it's not past him to do the same to anyone or anything else.

I deal with rapid cyling bipolar disorder and anxiety/panic attacks. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve become borderline suicidal. I've been searching this town relentlessly for safe accomodations that are pet-friendly to no avail, while simultaneously holding down my job. I’m asking for donations to help me leave the situation I’m in. As mentioned, I do have a job but they have begun cutting back hours and I barely make enough to pay my bills and still afford the luxury of a laundromat. My medication costs come straight out of pocket since my job doesn't offer benefits. I’m stuck in my current job until I can get out of here, when, but in the meantime I don’t make enough to save up any significant amount. I just need enough to pay first and last months rent on a place, be able to afford my medications, hopefully take my cat to see a vet (she suffers from feline hyperesthesia and is anxious around my father as she was previoused abused by such a similar type of person), wash my clothes, eat something once in a while that isn't canned spam. After that, we'll be good to go.

I just want her and i to have a safe space where we can be heathly and not scared all the time. I wouldn’t be asking if this wasn't a final option for me. I have no family or friends to help. I've been stuck like this so long, I don't really remember what it's like to actually have "friends". The family that wants to help, can't, and the family that CAN help, are worse than my father and believe I deserve what I've gotten in life.

I have no where to go at the moment, so I'm asking anyone to please help. I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this, it's been ongoing my entire life, on and off, and I just want out.

I want to start living my life.