#(striking out everything gohan doesnt believe he deserves h u r t m e ;n;)

[gohanscn]

Why are you here?

To forgive yourself

Most people have regrets. We all have to live with the consequences of decisions we wish we could take back. But what you regret is more than a mistake or short-sighted choice. You regret your very existence. Everything you've ever done is something you wish you could undo. You believe it is impossible to become the kind of person you want to be. You see yourself as a lost cause. You feel chained down by the love you receive, because you are sure you will only hurt anyone foolish enough to see something worth loving in you. You want to rid this world of yourself and feel trapped by all the hands holding you back.

"I love you" is the phrase you most dread hearing. You wish that everyone else would hate you as much as you think you deserve. Perhaps you feel it would make ending it all so much easier. It's possible you have only stayed alive this long because you believe the only thing that would cause more misery than your life is your death. Either way, you are certain you live a life beyond salvation. And you are wrong.

You have been made to believe your best is not enough, that your efforts have no value because you will always fall short. Perhaps too much was expected of you from the day you were born. I would not be surprised if the impossible was the very first thing you remember being asked to do. You can't stop regretting a failure that was always inevitable. You cannot forgive yourself for existing as the imperfect person you can't help but be. You believe you don't deserve forgiveness. But you do.

Your human faults and limitations do not make you worthless. You have as much right to be here as anyone else. Your needs and boundaries are not a burden, and those who would treat them as such are the ones to be faulted. You're here to forgive yourself and the life you live. It will be difficult and it will not happen quickly, but it is a task that needs undertaking. Redeem yourself by slowly, gradually putting an end to your eternal atonement. Atone for the years you've lost to self-loathing by telling yourself that this existence of yours is nothing to repent for. You will not believe it at first.

But you must try to treat yourself as you would a treasured friend, as those that love you know you deserve to be treated. Over and over, tell yourself the words that you can't yet bring yourself to believe, and one day you'll notice that they've started to feel as if they might be true, if only now and again. The love that chains you down, that you believe you don't deserve, it doesn't have to torment you. It can be a comfort, too. One day, you will be grateful for the hands holding you back. You deserve to know what it's like to be alive without wishing you weren't. Have faith and dedicate yourself to that.