#(side note the word jeremiad is really really cool)

[positivelyapunovexponent-good]

Okay SO the professor supervising my research officially made me project leader on one of my pet projects and on one hand I am very honored. But on the other hand I am anxious as hELL because I genuinely really, really struggle with project management. Delegation, communication, sending concise and clear emails on time- all of these are points of weakness that have resulted in me sinking projects I really care about in the past. 

I really don’t want that to happen again. But I’m kinda petrified. I feel like I ruin everything I touch, that I’m really good at starting things but apparently incapable of finishing them, stranding people and ideas and inevitably letting everyone who ever believed in me down. 

Which is not a productive way to think but it is true. In a sense. I have meaningfully, unambiguously fucked up in the past and probably will again. That much is inarguable. But also. I care about my work, and sincerely believe there is something about my idea that is valuable. Worthy of proper exploration. Even if it fails, I want it to fail on its own merits, not because I was so afraid of failing and so paralyzed by executive dysfunction that I didn’t even bother pushing it to see how far it can actually go. 

I guess all that is to say I am excited and scared in equal measure. So... nothing to do at this point but try, right?