#(prayer circle i'm not gonna have nightmares of KUUMAA chasing me down an endless highway)

[theflyingfeeling]

I was so excited about UMK this year but now that all the songs are out I'm so disappointed and I need to process this somehow, so...below the cut is my (cynic) review of the songs this year, I wrote this for me but you may look ✨

Keira: No Business on the Dancefloor

I hadn't heard of her before, so I had no idea what to expect. She sings well, but there's nothing too special in the song. Songs similar to this advance to the ESC final every year, but I don't think this one's interesting enough to do that. (Also, I'm scared to even ask but can someone explain the line "swing it like Harry Potter" to me? I haven't read the books nor seen the movies, what did he ever swing? His broom? His peepee? lol)

Benjamin: Hoida mut

I don't know, man... There are songs that imply sexual content without being explicitly sexual that do it better than this one. The lyrics sound immature, in parts (maybe less so in the English translation), and I'm not a fan of how some of the words are stressed/emphasized. Not a huge fan of Benjamin's singing voice either, and he is definitely the weakest singer in the whole bunch.

Robin Packalen: Girls Like You

Robin was the very reason why I was so excited about UMK this year and, consequently, the reason why I'm so disappointed in this year's competition overall. I had such grand expectations for him, perhaps unreasonably so; I just really wanted him to have a great song and be sent to ESC and do well there 😔 However, having listened to the song on Spotify (i.e. without the mv), I have to say that the song isn't terrible. It's actually quite catchy and uptempo, and in my opinion the vibe in the music video doesn't quite match the vibe of the song. So IF they manage to compile a live show that brings out the good qualities of the song (because there are some!) and IF/when Robin's voice brings the song into life in the live version (because it certainly doesn't do so in the studio version), I think we MIGHT be able to ignore the weaknesses of the song (such as the tacky lyrics; then again, there have been and will be songs with even worse lyrics in the ESC every year, this one wouldn't even be the worst eh?)

Lxandra: Something to Lose

Not memorable at all (I couldn't even recall the name of this song without checking it). Really not my kind of music, not a fan of that kind of singing technique at all. If you're gonna do a ballad in the ESC, it needs to be bigger and stronger than this one.

Käärijä: Cha Cha Cha

Without having seen the live show for this, I must admit I'm also one of those people who are ready to send this to Liverpool. That is not to say I love the song, although it is the only one that evokes any kind of (positive) feelings in me. I don't know, maybe I feel pretentious jamming along to this song because I don't go to bars safe for Samy Elbanna acoustic gigs and BC tumblr meetings and I've never been drunk in my life? 😂 Still, it was the first song that I nodded my head along to and that brought a smile to my face (for some reason the line "toinen silmä jo karsastaa" / "one eye keeps turning crossed too far" always cracks me up). I'm just a little annoyed because people (mostly at the Finnish eurovision discussion board I've been reading) keep praising this song to the extent that I think it's a little over the top, saying stuff like "this is the best UMK song ever!!" and "this is the new Lordi!!" but like...it's not?! Or is it me who's in the wrong here? 😟 I don't know, maybe I should just lower my expectations and accept that I'm not gonna get another "Dark Side" out of UMK any time soon...

KUUMAA: Ylivoimainen

Another song that is praised a lot and I'm not quite sure why. Again, it's not a bad song, but something in it just feels...off. I think it's partly because I'm not a huge fan of Johannes' vocals/singing voice, but also because of the lyrics. I understand it's about the ecstasy one feels when falling in love, (and I want you to know that I'm saying the following even though I know y'all think I'm crazy) but instead of romantic, the lyrics seem sort of...obsessive? Every single line in the song is so desperate to the point that it makes me feel a little anxious. Yes, I also understand that song lyrics and poetry tend to exaggerate things and that none of this is to be taken literally, but even so, it doesn't evoke the feelings in me that it's probably intented to. If someone told me that "there's nothing left for me but you" I wouldn't feel enamored, I'd feel...sad? Because what if a day comes that we break up and you don't have me anymore, then what? You'll jump down the balcony? I don't want to be the only thing that's left for you, come on, there's gotta be something else in your life too, I can't handle this pressure! And with the sort of melancholic, yet upbeat melody of the song it feels kinda distressing and I almost feel like I can't breath when I listen to it. Then again, I've never been in love myself, so what the fuck do I know? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Portion Boys: Samaa taivasta katsotaan

Well 😂😂😂😂😂 In Finland we have this thing called junttidisco, and this is it. I have good reason to believe their other songs are like this too (I've only ever heard two of them), so what the hell were you expecting? 🤣 This is the only song that made me really laugh out loud (with Käärijä it was more like a sensible chuckle), but not necessarily in a good way. The lyrics in the verses are so cringe, although I did love the bit in the chorus about Kimi Räikkönen 😂 The worst part is that I'm not sure whether this is intented as a parody or if they're actually serious about this. I want to believe it's done tongue in cheek, in which case I appreciate them not taking themselves too seriously.

~

To conclude, I don't really give a fuck who will advance to Liverpool, but I guess if we absolutely must send one, then let it be Käärijä, assuming his live show will be fit for ESC. And despite having a horribly boring, mainstream, flavourless song, I still want to put Robin as my 2nd favourite, because I want to believe the live version of the song will be much better than the studio version 🙏