#(plus I turned pages for the organist and she said I was perfect)

[scobbe]

I’ve just been confirmed by the laying on of hands from an Episcopal bishop so I’m officially Anglican now. Dreams really do come true.

[yourflowersfirst]

day 1,421

pages 256-258

filled with pain and unwanted resentment. i wish to be made of love but i’m not; i am the pieces of a child held together by regret, rage, and trusting in an older man- all begging to fall apart. i always think of you before i fall asleep. the words you said, the way you looked, the things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. when i dream, i always try to make sure it’s of you. it’s always about you. loving you is breathing to me. easy rise and fall of my chest.

you are the knife i turn inside of myself, is this love?

and i thought, so suddenly it jolted me, “he’s so pretty i could cry,” i clutched my ribs, my heart, anything to calm the ache and storm gathering in me. “pretty boy, with pretty hair and pretty eyes. he’s mine, all mine.”

he wants nothing to do with me.

⋅───⊱༺ ♰ ༻⊰───⋅

"the lord knows that even the lowliest amongst us can be worthy of mercy," father jeff was stoic. "but once the devil has his claws in, the fires of hell take over. there is no saving someone beyond it. temptation is one of these things that can lure someone over the threshold. once your soul is engulfed, praying for 1000 years could not save you."

i chewed at my nails. my little sister was looking at her kids' bible, young enough to get away with not paying attention. i zoned out and thought about what father jeff said, how he seemed to be staring straight at me. during communion, my hands trembled, and i almost dropped the eucharist. the organist looked at me quizzically.

after service, once home, i had a fried bologna sandwich for lunch my mom made. i ate half and chewed and spit the other half. i excused myself and went to hide alone in the woods by my house, still wearing my long skirt and saddle shoes from mass. i yanked my hair out of the braid in annoyance, tangled but unbothered by the knots as i trotted to the ginormous oak trees and rushing dirty creek.

my mother just sighed and kept folding laundry as i left, shouting to be back in an hour to do algebra I homework. i barely had a C, she reminded me, not gently. ("high school is going to be terrible for you if you keep behaving like this.") i laid in the tall spring grass on my back and tried texting him on my blue slide phone- a pantech laser 2012 that couldn't download apps, but could play non copyrighted music and text my boyfriend.

i tried sending him a few messages, but it was the middle of the day; he'd likely be at work. though, to my shock, he texted back quickly.

"sneaking on my phone to text u. don't tell my boss ;)"

i snorted and laid my arm over my eyes to fight off the sun. "our secret. miss your voice though."

"i wanna see u so bad," he replied, ignoring me. "ur an angel. the prettiest girl i've ever seen."

i snapped a quick selfie to send (which would take forever on this phone, of course). i hesitated, despising my glasses, braces, spattering of freckles. i always thought my freckles looked like the blood spatter at a crime scene. i sent it anyway, and he gushed over my appearance. "you're beautiful, so sexy, i am so in love with you, perfect darling baby." it felt like a trap. i felt like a caged animal.

"i wanna make u feel good," he replied. "would do anything to go down on u..."

"i wanna meet you irl already, feel ur skin on mine," he sent through after i ignored his other messages, the ones that made bile creep up my throat. a caterpillar crawled up my leg in solidarity. "lets meet at a park in upper arlington. i'm off work wednesday, we could hang at likeee 2?"

i gnawed at my lower lip, free hand fiddling with the dandelions shedding their yellow coats. "i'm in school till 3. plus i can't drive, and if you pick me up my mom will freak LOL." meeting him in person, in truth, frightened me. my blood was running cold and turning pale in my veins.

"have ur mom drop u off, just tell her ur meeting a friend," the solution came too easily to him. "i wanna kiss u!!!!"

my brain was numb as i typed out, "okay."

3 days later, we were at a park 15 minutes from my house. i just wanted to hold his hand, that's all. nothing impure. my mom, sister, krystal, and i all got out of the minivan. as we walked around the park, i saw him. i felt like a deer about to get run over. he sauntered over to me, though, not seeing my mom hobbling behind me. my sister and krystal were running right to the swings, oblivious to the shitstorm about to happen. i trotted ahead, just barely out of eyesight. ignored by all. no one noticed the little girl approaching the man with a class ring on.

"wow, hi! you're gorgeous in person," he ran toward me and kissed my lips so fast i hardly noticed.

my first kiss.

we walked around the park quickly, until we settled under a huge pine tree that was throwing away its winter coat. early april was still chilly in ohio, but the sun was out just enough to tease warmer days.

i was wearing my nicest pair of earrings and most form fitting skinny jeans. we nestled under the tree, him wiggling his tongue into my mouth. anytime i tried to protest and pull away he snaked his hand to the back of my head, pulling my hair, pulling me back in. he smelled very nice, i thought. it's what i tried to focus on instead of the incessant need rising in him and the nausea rising in me.

in my peripheral vision, i saw someone walking over to the tree we were under. i tried to jump away, but it was too late.

she saw. she saw him, had she been catching up this whole time? frick frick frick. i jumped away from him, his dyed hair much more blue in person the more i looked at him. "oh, is this..." he trailed off, noticing my mother, her face turning 20 shades of crimson.

"who is this man?" my mom eventually pulled me away, her anger and grief palpable enough to taste. i deserved this. i waved goodbye to him sheepishly as i was hauled away. he just looked dumbstruck, then annoyed as he sauntered home in his pristine vans and my chemical romance tshirt. "girls! we're going home!" she howled at my sister and her best friend, 11 and 12 years old respectively.

"aww man, we weren't even here for 20 minutes."

"yeah, why'd you ruin all the fun?"

i didn't have an answer. my mother shoveled me into the van. "we'll talk once we're home, with your father."

"no, please don't tell him," i started crying and hyperventilating. my glasses fogged up pathetically. "please."

"sis, why're you crying so hard?"

"you have snot running from your nose. ew."

i wiped my face with my paramore hoodie.

once home, my parents sat me in my room, on the bed. i was preparing for the worst. him arrested, police cars everywhere, the news interviewing how i loved but lost him in the end. me watching from the sidelines, brave yet inconsolable. none of this was my fault, technically. right? how much victimhood are you willing to grant a girl like me, one who knew exactly what i was?

"you're grounded for a month," my mom started with no preamble. "and your phone and laptop privileges are gone except for school, with one of us watching."

i started crying again. "but i love him."

"no. shut up. i won't hear of this," my mom kept going. "you did this, you let him do all that crap i saw on your phone messages. you could have said no and deleted his number, or whatever. either way. no more skype, no more phone, no more minecraft, no more wizard101. i don't know how you met that man, but it ends now."

(author's note: my mom had no clue how to deal with this. i am sympathetic to her now. please don't treat her harshly, this is just what happened to me.)

my dad was silent as the dead. i wailed, "i'm sorry," over and over again.

"you're gonna be."

no police, he wasn't arrested. no one knew of my shame except them and me. and him, of course. my parents threw all the blame on my shoulders for me alone to carry. that night, in the bath, i scrubbed my skin so hard i bled a little. yet i never felt clean and never really would again. in a month, once i got my phone back, i texted him: "it's me. i'm so sorry." i still remembered his number, my love knowing no bounds. it still doesn't.

"whatever. u left me. i have a new gf now, anyway, and shes way hotter than u. have fun at ur marching band practices."

i threw my new phone across my room. it was dark, and i heard cicadas screeching at me. they were calling me a stupid infantile girl, and they were right. i wondered if my soul was still beyond saving. i said 10 hail marys, just in case it would help. god, i'm not these things i do. i'm gonna regret this forever. i sobbed over my gold cross rosary. it still hangs in my room to this day.