#(or that you should have traumatised us “for real” when we're telling you what actually traumatised us?)

[lilithofpenandbook]

I'm starting to think maybe I was right, my mum is abusive. Not very, but still abusive.

How did I get to this conclusion? Thinking about my mum's behaviour, about my reaction to her. Somehow I got to thinking about Snape, who no one sees as a victim because he doesn't back down, he still fights his abusers and keeps on fighting them. He's the one in the wrong, despite being the victim.

And that's what made me think of something my mum says any time childhood trauma is brought up in the conversation: "If you were actually afraid of me, you wouldn't be talking back to me" "Would you still be so rude to me if you were actually traumatised?" "If I had traumatised you, you'd be too scared to speak like this to me", and similar stuff.

If you were actually abused, you'd behave like an actual victim

And that just reminded me of Snape, and how he isn't seen like a victim because he's not a "perfect victim", he isn't outwardly anxious, vulnerable, or delicate, he doesn't cry when yelled at, he doesn't stutter. He's outwardly strong, he's got self control. When emotional, he's angry, he's hostile. He's rude and sarcastic, including to the people he should be afraid of. He doesn't have any of the pretty, romanticised symptoms of trauma. He has all the ugly, real symptoms. The symptoms that mask his trauma.

Like mine. To my mother's face I am loud, I am rude, I am defensive. I show no fear. It's certain things though, that scare me. Certain things that make me angry and cry. Not in front of her. She doesn't see what's not in front of her face. She's only seen one panic attack, and that I didn't call a panic attack, I just said I couldn't breathe and my dad helped calm me but I never said it was a panic attack. I've had panic attacks in college. My friends know more about my anxiety, my trauma, more than my own mother. My teachers have seen me have panic attacks in the middle of class, after I've been stuck trying to keep it together all day. My sister once saw me, when I came home from class, exhausted by trying to keep the anxiety down to the point that even with the emotions gone the pain still had me in bed for hours afterwards. Nobody with a healthy relationship with their mother does that, do they?

But I'm supposedly not abused, not a victim, because I do not act like one in the least.

Yet if Severus Snape is a victim regardless of how he presented his trauma, maybe I'm also being abused despite my apparent lack of fear towards my mum.

Maybe that's why he's my favourite character.

Because neither of us look like we're traumatized.

Okay, so the abuse I face isn't so bad, and perhaps I'm overtly sensitive to be traumatised by it, but if I'm having panic attacks because of it then there is something there, right?

[shiny-jr]

Hi! I just want to say that I've read all of your takes on how the overblot crew don't get held accountable for what they've done and I am so happy to find another person that agrees with me.

Listen, I understand that we're dealing with incredibly traumatised teenagers who were pushed into it and overblotting was what ultimately lead them towards their healing but put aside the damage that they did during their overblot and think about how awfully they treated yuu beforehand.

Azul: took away their home and the only comfort family they had in twst (the ghosts), and sent the tweels to attack and harrass them during their attempts to get back their home and free their friends from servitude

Jamil: Kidnapped them, locked them up in a room against their will, again took away their home, isolated them from their friends/adeuce and prevented them from contacting anyone, hypnotised them and manipulated them, forced them to participate in long marches in the desert and literally turned a blind eye during their clear suffering

Vil: (he is literally my least favourite character - and yes, I do understand that he has just as much trauma and issues as the others due to his past and the pressure he puts on himself to be perfect - but I just don't like him) he was downright cruel and needlessly awful to not only Yuu but everyone else. He not only was horrid to poor Epel but he was dismissive and uncaring to the point of upsetting Deuce and making him run off so that no one would see him in that state. And that was before he tried to murder an innocent teenager in cold blood pre-overblot.

Yuu has gone through so much because of them and not once do they ever actually acknowledge the damage they've done to them. No one ever thinks: hey, maybe we should check up on that traumatised child that we've most definitely emotionally scarred and try to make amends instead of brushing their feelings under the rug.

You know why I love Ace so much? He actually calls people out for what they've done. He rightfully admonishes Trey for being a bystander during Riddle's reign of terror whilst Heartslabyul was suffering, he rightfully tells Riddle that crying won't erase the way he treated them before he overblotted (I was shocked that he had the guts to say that but I agreed with him - I stan a real one), he punches Riddle when he maliciously insults Yuu for no reason (that was the moment I fell for him. Yes I have a 5% hunch he did that also because he just wanted to punch him but the fact that it was Yuu's feelings getting hurt that made him actually lose it after everything else Riddle did to him is just everything to me), and he rightfully gets mad at Malleus when his prank made him think that his friends were dead.

I actually have a Yuu/OC that's so traumatised by the overblots that the only people they fully trust are Adeuce and Grim. They don't know if anyone that's nice to them are actually manipulative or will just use them in the future so they've developed serious trust issues and have PTSD from the actions of the overblots that they don't even look at them or greet them in the hallways. This is a Yuu that will forgive and never forget. It sounds petty and vindictive but I want them to suffer in their guilt whilst Yuu gets the support and help from Adeuce that they need.

Okay, I held off on responding to this because goddamn is it a long ask. Hold on, I gotta put this under the cut because it's too much, and my responding just makes it longer. Also, you read all the takes? That's impressive, considering I don't remember half of what I said. Spoilers for all overblots, including from the diasomnia chapter.

I'm just gonna summarize this in one simple statement. I know people aren't gonna agree, but here it is. The overblotted students deserved more punishments. As you said, yes, they're traumatized, but they were still conscious of their decisions before they overblotted. And they all did some questionable stuff before overblotting.

You literally said everything I was going to say. None of them are innocent. Even if they didn't overblot, their actions before the disaster were bad.

Idk, I feel like Yuu should be a little more acknowledged sometimes. I mean, yeah, ultimately, the characters do get close to Yuu and help them out. (1) Riddle helping Yuu investigate against Leona, (2) Leona helping Yuu get rid of Azul's contracts to free everyone, (3) Azul stepping in to help Yuu while they were stuck with Jamil, (4) Jamil getting them out of that dangerous overblot situation with Vil, (5) Vil helping fight against Idia and giving Yuu and co. a kiss, etc. But half of these felt like they had ulterior motives when they did this, and yeah, they treat Yuu differently, but we don't see that too much.

Ace is like one of the only real ones. The realest. Yeah, he was a massive jerk in the beginning, but that character development? In the beginning of the prologe, he was just being rude for no reason. But then, by the end of the prologe, he's actually begrudgingly friends with Yuu, and then towards the end of chapter one, as you said, he defends Yuu after Riddle made that unnecessary comment. Find yourself a bro like Ace (also because, as mentioned in other posts, he did not stand for Malleus' and Lilia's bs prank).

Honestly, Yuu should be super messed up mentally and emotionally by now. Probably even physically. Because of all the stuff they've gone through.

[halucynator]

END OF 2023

sorry to anyone who didn't want to be tagged xx

hi! most of you will know me as lucy (unless you're @m3ntallyunstable34 and know my real name lol)

so yes, i am lucy. and this is me reflecting on 2023 on tumblr because it seems like a logical thing to do considering this year sucked like 20% less (one of us is lying reference) because of all my amazing online friends. so yes i guess in a way this is a mutual appreciation post 🫶

@berryzxx you wouldn't believe me when i tell you you were the first mutual i didn't have to be all professional and got to be a crazy bitch with lmao so thank you for not judging me and talking to me like we're besties (we totally are btw bc i said so) mwahh

@longlivestv the loml literally owe my life to you bee 🫶🫶 you are one of the main reasons i'm friends with all of the people i will mention after, so tysm and thank you for being so sweet to me and i love flirting with you /hj ilysm 💗 also if im too young to fall in love why do you keep running through my brain? 😍😍

@loserdiaz one of the very few people i get to openly talk to and not feel weird doing it akshdasjhd ilysm april <33 and youre one of the only people i will ever admit has better pick up lines than me (thats a huge honour btw) so thank you for keeping up with me and flirting with me it makes me feel very special mwahhh and ily and we should totally snuggle by the fireplace you know i made those cookies you like (sab reference) 😍🫶

@weeping-in-the-willows thank you for being the absolute SWEETEST person to me <3 ilysm and btw you were my first discord friend and i'm so honoured about that ajshdnjfe you're so nice and ily and i hope you get everything you want

@theladyinwhite13 thank you for appreciating my unhinged comments and you're one of the few people who deserve to be told that they are funnier than me (i rarely ever give anyone this honour btw so its very special) and i think you might appreciate this reference 'so what if i just wanna be a little out of my mind'

@bodybetters and @its-tortle karo and tortle my beloved <3 ilysm you're like two of the BEST mutuals ever and i was so honoured happy excited (any other positive adjective) when i realised you followed ME back?!? i was literally so ajshdnjfe i can't even put it in words you're like my favourite people on this hellsite (affectionate)

@suugarbabe ajdhhgajsgf my pookie <33 you always stand up for me and ilysm for it youre the nicest to me what did i ever do to deserve you 😭❤️

@patrophthia omg the absolute sweetestt!! youre an angel and ilysm and i hope you have the best life every <33 ilysm thank you for being so nice to me and making me feel valued asjdhajksd i love youu

@theautistmwitch omg idk how youre still sane after hearing to my traumatising jokes 😭 ilysm mwahh❤️thank you for being so sweet to meee it makes me so happy <333 can't wait to traumatise- uh i mean make you laugh even more next year!

@kurtcobainsgreencardigan ajkshdad i had the time of my life 'bullying' [insert their name] (i dont wanna get cancelled yk just in case people actually like them) with you <33 [i mean you technically didn't 'bully' them but we bonded over that] you're so funny and sweet and ily<3

@catastrxblues nadine the loml <33 i LOVED chatting with you and ranting to you and reading your answers to my asks akgdskg im so glad to have you as a mutual and i would love to have some more ranting convos with you in the future haha asdhjhajsh ilysm mwahh <3

@nyctophile-me omg you're so sweet to meee 😭😭😭 ily you're like one of my favourite wives too you're one of the only people i will ever share sab with mwah ❤️❤️ id love to talk to you more next year <3

@magicandmaybe @andi-is-bored @alltheliars and @animallover4000 omg you're all so sweet and ily and we didn't really interact a lot this year but i loved chatting with you on discord 💕

@imperpetuallylost omg ilyy you're so unintentionally (or intentionally?) funny ahsjdnfne and i guess it's inevitable sorry sky but it looks like you (lea not sky) deserve to [redacted] goosebot and it's well deserved ajsjdjdne ily and id love to interact more with you next year <33

@london-affairs literally started talking to you like 5 days ago and we were flirting non stop that's CRAZYYYY ily btw pookie 😍

@m3ntallyunstable34 my literal best friend!! i absolutely love you mwah mwah mwah thank you for being my best friend and dealing with me for 12 years llama im shocked you're not insane yet ahsjsj ilyyyy ❤️

these are the mutuals that made me throw my phone across the room and scream in excitement when i realised THEY followed ME

also i will take this moment to thank all of you for making my year amazing and i love you all so much and i hope you have THE BEST 2024. thank you so much for being a part of my crazy blog i would never have imagined 438 people would find this silly little blog 🫶

@cassiopeiasdaughter @faultsline @underthenightskydreamsneverdie @theostrophywife @slytherinslut0 @imperpetuallylost @themidnightarcher @stvrlighhttt @psychedeliccc @prettybaby-grande @nqds @themidnightarcher @i-miss-you-im-sorry @cottoncandywhispers @svnflowermoon @finalgirllx @fallingforfictionalcharacterss @ashisgreedy @moonffe @suugarbabe @wordsarelife and @xobridgertonblues (i might've tagged some people twice sorryyyy)

[sophieinwonderland]

hey im endo neutral before you go off on one, but just came in here to say triggering people's psychosis is cringe and fail, so is triggering abandonment/attachment issues, so is going against a group of highly traumatised indivoduals (cause lets face it thats exactly what you did, regardless of whether they accept you or not or whether you think theyre "bigoted" or not) and ALSO you really do not give pro endos a good look and maybe you should like reevaluate what you post or think for more than like three seconds before hitting post (literally anyone could have seen how that post would be incredibly triggering). i look through your blog every once in a while to look at all the papers you post and all your arguments cause i like having a nuanced view and i understand it feels shitty for people to not believe in an integral part of you - i have the same thing when it comes to my religion but i dont fucking go around telling non believers im gonna take everything they love away from them because im not an asshole? have a day <3

I'm just curious... is there a group actively identifying as anti-[your religion]?

Do you have to regularly deal with non-believers coming into your religious spaces just to tell you that your religion isn't real and that you're faking your religious experiences?

How many times have you been told to kill yourself because of your religion?

When was the last time you saw someone say cyberbullying needed to be brought back specifically to bully people with your religion?

When you introduce people to your religion, are the non-believers accusing you of "grooming" them?

Do you want to know something? I don't actually care if people believe in me or not. That vast majority of people don't know that tulpas exist because it's still pretty niche.

That's fine. They can be taught later.

Other people people are aware of bits and pieces but don't get involved and don't believe either. They have their beliefs and keep those to themselves. I can respect that.

These people aren't anti-endos.

But then you have a hate group who have made it part of their identity to spread constant hate and disinformation about us. These are not simply "non-believers." This a group that is united solely by their hatred of us.

And this is probably more controversial in the pro-endo community, but I don’t even mind the "endogenics are all traumagenics in denial" people, in theory. As long as they're respectful and aren't actively spreading hate or standing with those who do.

I say in theory though because practically every one I've actually encountered is still gatekeeping space and resources. And that somehow makes it even worse to me because while disbelieving in endogenic plurality is ignorant, even if willfully ignorant, believing we're confused trauma survivors in denial and still treating us like shit and gatekeeping terms means they're just knowingly hurting other trauma survivors.

Don't you dare try to frame this as me simply going after people for not believing me.

[brehaaorgana]

You still do not understand the point. You are not Black. Therefore your analysis of the situation is not warranted or needed. You should instead, reblog Black bloggers, repost (with credit and links) from Black users of other social media and donate to Black people in need. Adding another non Black voice on the topic of antiblack racist violence is never helpful. You are not the exception.

Okay, so first, I think this is inherently going to be a difficult conversation since you're anonymous.

second, I think we're talking past each other here, and genuinely, I'm not really sure why you think it's unhelpful for me to tell non-black people to stop and ask themselves some questions about a call by a non-black person to go watch a black woman be murdered by the police. I didn't make a huge callout post or demand anything or insist anything.

this is i guess point three, but: in all my time in the world thus far, it has been understood that I, as a non-black person, should tell my fellow non-black people when they don't have the right to decide something or say something or demand something regarding antiblackness or black people.

Like...genuinely, did we stop doing "Somebody come get your cousin?" on the social justice internet in the last decade for some reason?

Was I NOT supposed to say anything when fellow non-black people were trying to make choices/claims/whatever that aren't theirs to make, because we're not black? am i not, as a non-black person, supposed to speak up if i see something potentially problematic about non-black people's behavior towards violence against black people, particularly police brutality and murder, and ask them to THINK ABOUT IT?

also this is just....a Real Take. Like.

i've had my literal (mexican-american, cop) uncle blocked on facebook since Freddie Gray was murdered in 2015 because I told him he was being antiblack, which he was.

was i supposed to just phone a black friend to do the emotional labor of telling him he was being antiblack since non-black people can't speak on the topic of antiblack racist violence? That's sort of what you're implying here.

anyways anon i edited my other post, so here you are:

Black Voices on the topic of Viral videos of Police Killings of Black People:

PBS: White people don’t understand the trauma of viral police-killing videos by Dr. Monnica Williams.

Al Jazeera: Videos of police brutality can perpetuate Black trauma — The wanton display of footage of violent Black deaths re-traumatises Black communities and promotes racist tropes.

Sage Perspectives: When Black Death Goes Viral: How Algorithms of Oppression (Re)Produce Racism and Racial Trauma

Jstor Daily: Viral Black Death: Why We Must Watch Citizen Videos of Police Violence

This whole book: Bearing Witness While Black: African Americans, Smartphones, and the New Protest #Journalism

What to Consider before Watching Videos of Police Brutality

the New Republic: What Does Seeing Black Men Die Do for You? (Apparently re-titled as: Videos of Police Killings Are Numbing Us to the Spectacle of Black Death)

NPR's Codeswitch: A Decade Of Watching Black People Die

hope that works.

edit -- also for context my full comments:

brehaaorgana

2h

Genuinely (as someone who has handled graphic original photo print documentation of genocide/war crimes before)*** I don't see a reason to make a spectacle of a video recording of a black woman's murder by cops in order to understand what happened. It's just not necessary to do. Being a direct eyewitness to this kind of thing is not always necessary or even something desired by surviving family/community/friends.

bolding my own. Generals and specifics my own.

Someone replied:

I mostly agree with you, but I do think there's something to be said about how disconnected most of us feel from these issues, I think sometimes it does help to actually see it, if you can handle it, and if it's done respectfully with intent to educate. I have a lot of thoughts on this that won't fit in a reply.

My response:

that's fair, I also have a lot of thoughts that won't fit in a reply. Another (less about ethics) concern I had was jury contamination when this goes to court. But in general I think it's not…great to encourage people to make a spectacle of black people being murdered, especially in the US, & especially given the horrific history of using black murders as a recreational visual consumption activity by non-black ppl in the US. basically I would say there's a lot of questions I believe ppl need to ask of themselves if they do this. "who decides if, how, and when it is respectful for you/me to watch someone's murder? How does seeing it in the wild on the internet ensure an educational understanding? How is watching a black murder today different from when people made souvenir photos of black lynchings in the past? What makes it different? Does watching murder teach me something new? like ultimately I don't need an answer from anyone or even your answer specifically. That's all hypotheticals. but there's a huge amount of labor, ethical & legal guidelines, praxis theory & usually multiple degreed people that goes into things like "presenting [community traumas and state violence] the Atlantic Slave Trade or Holocaust or Trail of Tears in meaningful, educational, and respectful contexts" and ppl encouraging folks watching a horrific murder online aren't…engaging in any of that.

Someone else just replied to me:

@brehaaorgana thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in such a thoughtful, understanding, & appropriately serious manner. You never admonished but you certainly didn't mince your words/hold back from implying that this is anything but superfluous, unnecessary, and garish. Watching is nothing but gawking, when details and precise relaying of the event exists. One doesn't need to watch to understand that the cop is repellent & unqualified to be armed w/ authority. I don't care how much it helps you to "engage"; you've now admitted that you're watching the butchering of a human life for a self-serving purpose, even if that purpose is part of an otherwise commendable effort to remain informed and critical.

idk i feel pretty okay saying i, personally, am wary of personally making a spectacle of black people being murdered by police.

***I've obviously been to holocaust museums, native american museums, black american history museums, and so on, but I am referring specifically here to personally handling albums of photos taken and developed by Japanese soldiers during World War II while working in a museum research context.

[wrongwiredmind]

Before I start saying anything I'd like to warn that the content of this post is both gore and contains suicidal thoughts, if any of that triggers you, please do not read, I care about whoever is reading but I can't hold any responsibility for anything that might follow, stay safe, and remember that no matter what, what comes next in your life will be better, one way or another.

This post is rather long, but that's kinda the point of this page, here we go, then.

So, I had almost my weirdest dream to date, right now, and then I thought, to heck with it!! Let's share something!

So first of all, I need to set some points straight before writing so it might explain a few things, hopefully, without giving a lot away about my personality:

(I have no idea how to put them on order, so they're pretty much a mumbo jumbo. Ah~ My favourite type of writing~. Kidding, of course, I actually prefer reading well written stories and articles)

Anyhow:. 1- I have a really deep unexplainable fear of the vast beast called an ocean (or a sea, or really anytype of deep water), I still go to the beach and pools and whatever, but there's always some sort of an icy grip tightening around my non-existent heart.

2- I love IronMan! So so much, and I kinda adopted Tony Stark!! (no one tell him, please!).

3- my adoration of a certain supernatural series made me love batman! (well, not entirely true, I always loved him, but kinda from afar, you get me?)

4- want me to get hooked on something? Give me a fanfic of it!! (of course like a series or a book, not a substance, you bad bad people!!), that's how I loved Bilbo!! (imagine me saying it in my adorable voice, the one I use when I try to sound cute 😉)

5- I binge read a certain fanfic about those two amazing superheroes saving the world, and themselves!! (I refuse to give up the name since if you think this is me oversharing? You've got another thing coming, honey!) that had a cruise and another prototype of the IronMan suit (don't ask which mark it is but it's so fast it broke the sound barrier!!)

6- I'm a little bit under the weather, (not corona, folks!) and my throat is kinda itchy, to the point that I lost all my vocal prowess for a little more than 24 hours a few days ago, still kinda annoying, and my stomach rebelled so much yesterday (before and during sleeping) that I thought she should take the rebellion symbol from Mr. Che Jivara!! (with all due respect to him, I'm only joking, so please no one takes it seriously).

7- I'm a little bit of a spacetoon (and all that's good and beautiful in our childhood) encyclopedia, want a name of a cartoon or a song you can't remember? I'm usually your best bet, after the second mother, google, of course!!

8- this week is so dead that if you want to see zombies come to our lectures any time in it, seriously we're so under a lot of exams, thank God and the doctors for postponing our tasks and assignments' due-date.

9- if I was a little more of an extrovert I might not have had to write most of these strange snippets about me in a freaking post!!!

And finally, on with the dream! (another thing you probably know by now, that I kinda take you around and under and left and right before I say what I want to say).

So, it was an assignment to some sort of subject (don't ask me which, since as far as I know, not a single thing in our curriculum will make me do what I'm about to do here, or at least, I hope so!!!), we made some type of fall-body suit that needed analysing (who am I kidding, it was the IronMan suit!!), and guess who was picked as a pilot? That's right! Yours truly!!

Anyway, good thing to bad, we had to make the prototype test in the middle of the (as I said above) the vast beast! Mr. Oceanus (I know that that is a Mr. Titan, but who am I, the lowly mortal, to deny his decision to appear in my paragraphs? And no, he didn't show up in the dream, thank God! [ours, not any of the others]),

So, I was put in the cruise, in the middle of the ocean, with the IronMan suit, and a seriously sick stomach, can you guess where we're going with this? (I'm actually kinda enjoying writing this since it reminds me of a certain mad superhero/not superhero who finally joined the XMen!, of course he joined a few years ago but I only watch the second movie circa a month ago) no? let me tell you, a bit of dizziness, seasickness, and an already rebellious stomach? Not a good combination, and remember that I really, really fear the ocean (just remembering the dream and the images in my head is traumatising, let alone living it vividly for a few hours), so, I fell, and strangely enough, I was a good swimmer (ah~ I really count my blessings here since no matter who or when someone taught me to swim, I still can't manage), I was able to stay close to the ship, but couldn't really pull myself up, so all I could do was keep a good hold on a rope tied around the ship and keep my legs in a calculated, slow what feels like a walking-in-place exercise,, (I can still feel the water around me, and the gentle waves of the ocean, it was both a calming feeling and a horrible one) and then...

Something touched the soles of my feet, and it kinda hurt, and it continued to move under me till something hit my toes, it was a shark fin, that's right, a shark choose me as his next meal, how honoured I was!!! Kidding i was kinda terrified, but all that YouTube survival videos came to mind, I left the rope of the ship and kinda dipped under water (triple scare, here, yikes!) and I... pushed.. his muzzle?

Yeah, so not really what they taught you in the videos, my polite nature rears its ugly head again (politeness is not as good as it seems, people! actually once a stray dog entered our home and jumped on the couch, and I was asking nicely and politely if "Mr. Dog would pretty please leave us be", and no, I wasn't scared but mom told me not to touch it, and it kinda was a cute, if a mangy mutt)

I didn't really want to punch the shark, even if my life kinda depended on it here, for a few reasons and actually at least one of them was pretty reasonable, which is, my punch is pretty weak, guys!!

Anyway, of course since its skin kinda scratched my feet there was blood, so it didn't leave me alone, two things I concluded here, first, Mr. Shark was either a lazy guy since he was coming to me slowly as if he either was a giant cat coming for pets no matter how many times you push her, or he was playing with his food, aka, me.

The second thing I discovered was that I was really sick in real life since my imagination couldn't conjure another family member of my guest here (again with the small mercies, can you imagine being alone around all these carnivores? And I bet not all of them will be moving so leisurely!!)

So, I finally decided to be the champ of my cruise and punch the thing in the face, so I pulled up all the power I can in my fist and punched him in his snout!!!

And let me tell you, it's not as easy is they make it sound, first, his nose is actually pretty hard, not the sensitive area they led us to believe, second, my hand really hurt and his skin scratched my knuckles, and I believe it kinda broke a bone in my hand, third, and worse, it actually enraged the mister so much that it left me, J-squared again and this time, flew! in my direction and I swear I still feel his teeth sinking in the shin of my right leg, but before he tore it apart, I actually did the right thing to defend myself, I (and I apologise, Mr. Dream shark, but you really hurt both my leg and my feelings!!) poked his eyes, which made for a very awkward stretch to my body, but finally, I was left alone!! With a mangled leg, of course, but hey!! It's not real life, so let's be glad.

The saltwater stinging my feet, still sick, and more dizzy from blood loss, you have no idea how glad was I that I was still near the ship, a little bit more than a meter but still floating, and then, the bad became worse, I actually goT SWALLOWED WHOLE BY A WHALE!!!!!!!!, YUP!! THE WHALE IN THE PICTURE!!!

And then god with his mercies again, it swallowed the ship but opened his mouth for me to leave, neat, ain't it?

But let me tell you what happened in a little more details, I felt a ripple in the water beneath and around me, and the ship started to sway, and a faint sound of something between a roar and strange song-like-sound, feeling the rumble under me was what made me look, and lo and behold!! The mighty animal wanted the meal that the shark didn't get, bye bye world!! Bye bye the suit that I still didn't to get to wear! And bye bye the report I needed to write for this freaking assignment that because of it I might fail and my friends will rail me when they see me!!

The ship and I couldn't help but enter the mouth of the humongous fish, the sounds of the wood, metal, glass and whatever is the cruise was made of was deafening, so loud and cruel, and I got a more than a few bruises and abrasions, and the feel of his teeth behind my back, sharp and huge and bigger than my own size, was something I don't know how to describe, and suddenly between all the breaking and suffocating water and absolute darkness, something caught my eyes, the slits in the helmet of the suit were lit, I'm sure it was a malfunction because of all the destruction on Mark, but it took all my fear, as if sucking it from my own eyes, and as sudden as it glowed, it vanished, but the calm remained, I closed my eyes, since it didn't matter, and just stopped everything, even trying to hold my breath, but not breathing as well, as if all body functions just... Stopped.

And then my eyes flew open again, not because I woke up, but because of an almost crushing change in the water pressure, it just pushed me forward more inside the huge mouth, and when I thought that this is it, I found the whale mouth moving further away from me, taking the ship and Mark with it, and leaving me alone, in the middle of the ocean that I wanted to say "c'mon!! If you ate me it'll be a win-win situation!!!!" but the second I opened my mouth water rushed inside that I tried swimming up to breath (even though not knowing which way is up was problematic, since something similar happened in real life before I wasn't worried, but that's a story for another time), breaking the surface was a godsend, I tell you! But my misery wasn't in any way over, I was so thirsty I actually wanted to drink salt water a again (and then death, oh wow, how smart?), and once the adrenaline deserted me, my leg returned to trying to kill me, and I don't know if it was a real thing if it happened in real life but it actually stopped bleeding, which was both fantastic, since it means that I won't die of bloodloss, and horrifying since I'm not going to die because of bloodloss, at least then I would have been able to calculate an approximate time for my death, but no, I have to wait and see what kills me next, I almost wished that I just had my previous stomachache and be done with.

Anyway, moving was not really an option, and staying was not either, and the breeze was making me so cold my teeth almost broke from all the shattering they were doing, I wasn't really sure when the others might decide to check on me, and I'm not really sure if I was still in the place they left me at, and I really didn't know what to do, I was so helpless, and cold, and thirsty, in so much pain and so so tired.

I cursed the whale again for not ending my misery, and cursed the shark for being a coward and not finishing what he started and cursing the assignment for being so impossible yet important, and most of all cursing myself, though I don't know why, but my self-loathing decided that now is the time to remember how horrible I am.

As physics does, the water raised me till I was floating on my back, which made me feel even more cold but I didn't have any energy to do anything about it, and strangely, I fell into some sort of doze, not asleep yet not really awake and aware, my whole body half above half into the water, though my right, injured leg, was bend in the knee into the water, which made my pained scream when something took hold of it in its mouth the more agonizing since it made my upper body enter the water, and the thing holding my leg left it alone, and I was able to right myself and look around me for the next threat, the fear was immense that I thought I might get a heartattack, which, admittedly would be better than the pain going to be inflicted upon me any second now, looking around finally led me to what attacked me, and for a moment, with my blurry, and fear filled eyes looked like Mr. Shark has indeed returned to finish what he started, he even returned to his play-with-my-food attitude, but when my eyes finally focused they detected differences, from the lighter shade of colors, to the more smooth curves of the fin and snout, and the gentle, warm (even if it looked sleepy) strange brown tone of the mammels eyes,

The dolphin was about two meters away, and looking at me with intense, twinkling eyes (if they were blue and he wore glasses, or at least marking that looks like it, I would have thought that the dolphin was Dumbledore' animagus and I really wouldn't have hesitated this time to punch his already crocked nose.. err.. snout [which it isn't, the dolphin's snout was perfect] with my broken hand!!) and moved slowly towards me, he pushed me gently with his nose in my abdomen, swam back a few inches, then entered the water and moved towards my leg, not touching it, but he was close enough to feel with my already almost destroyed sensitive nerves, he did all of that while I'm standing/floating, stupefied, hardly even breathing, and then he left, and pushed me again with his snout on my back, this time with more pressure that my body couldn't help but move to the dolphin's right side to let him pass, with my hand just above his back, when my hand touched his prominent back fin, he pushed my hip gently, as if telling me something, and pushed his fin into my hand again, it felt like rubber, and I couldn't help but ask "you want me to hold you?" he made a strange clicking noise then kinda slapped the water with his side fin in the other side of me, and bizarrely, his actions made me feel as if he was saying "are you stupid? Why else would I offer you my magnificent dorsal?!!" I stared, flummoxed, at the creature and couldn't help but throw my head back and laugh, I'm certain that it was the tension, fear and hysteria that made me do it, but for me, the whole situation was so hilarious that it seemed like it made Mr. Dolphin look at me and think "alright, the pathetic, hurt, star-shaped blemish is, indeed, stupid and needs help from my majesty" and then, using his right fin, slapped me non-too-gently on the side of my left hip, squeaking something as well and pushed his dorsal in my left hand again, but when he noticed my wince, he actually kinda rubbed his slippery appendage on my thigh while honest-to-god cooed at me that I couldn't help but smile at him, "it's okay, big guy, and thanks; you know, you kinda remind me of flipper!" and then I petted him a couple of times (which he purred at, I think I need a cat! 🤔🤔) then grabbed his fin in a tight but non constricting grip, my right hand was swollen by now so my only hope was to keep holding using my left hand, after shaking his body a little as if to check my hold, he dove with me into the water!! I almost screamed in fright but then he broke the surface and jumped about three meters high into the air!!!

Hello, there, adrenaline, didn't see you since a few!!

He dove again into the water and this time gradually moved towards the surface, with the water flowing into my hair and pushing me from my saviour, my left leg moved on its own violation and moved around the body as if I was riding a horse,

"WOOHOO!!", I shouted once we were in the air again, it was exhilarating; cold, but thrilling, though the warm body beneath me was perfect, he took me in a straight if slightly curvy line, and when I noticed that, I also noticed that his right fin was not moving as his left, I even thought he was injured for a second, but then a sharp sting in my leg and a slight jerk from him made me understand, my injured leg was beneath his wing-like appendage, and he was being considerate, as a solution, I flattened myself on his back, kept my left leg dangling as if in the horse saddle, my right one, as gently as possible, bend on the knee above the dolphin's back, my left hand gripping the top fin with it touching my shoulder, and my broken right hand above Mr. Flipper's cousin head, and then I came into a a sudden realization!! "does that mean I'm Lopaka????" I asked Flipper the second, and he made a sound suspiciously almost like a snort, but my change of position made him move in a much more pronounced straight line; the speed decreased as I started to doze again, as if he was worried about dislodging me, though the annoying feeling of the salt crusting on my skin woke me up, no idea how much time had past, except that the sun was on either the verge of descending or rising, and finally, finally, I saw land and buildings and what not from afar, and I certainly moved to another continent all together, let alone another country, after reaching the area where I could stand comfortably on the ground beneath the water, people started to come to see what was happening, I ignored them for the sake of my silent companion, suddenly he actually stood on his tail fin, and kinda sort of awkwardly leaned on me without trying to put too much pressure, I didn't understand what was happening though it seemed sorta like a hug?

Anyway, I pat his back again, (and again with the weird purring noise), when he released me I felt buzzing in the back pocket of my jeans, I actually still have my phone!!!

Pulling it out and snorting that after everything that happened my phone was still working!! all I could say is "well, it seems like the time of a picture, Mr. Flipper, sir!" and after an awkward kneeling so I could put my injured arm around him and trying to stretch my bloody leg (both meanings are accurate here, tbh) so it wouldn't interfere with the selfie, I positioned my left hand.

And the last thing I remember is the picture of my (Lopaka the second 😂) wide mouth grin and an equally wonderful grin from Mr. Flipper the second!!!

The End.

It really was a dream I had, with all these details, the only thing that's not entirely true about this post, is saying that this is the weirdest dream I had.

[lovingrollins]

"Rearranging Roles"

Characters: Mainly the Buckley Siblings but also Howie Han.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse. Implied sexual assault. Self-Blame. PTSD. Blood.

"Hmm, said the pot about the kettle"

Maddie Buckley chuckled, tearing a bit of bread with dainty fingers. She sat across from her boyfriend, Howie Han ( or Chimney as the 118 called him ) having dinner.

"Hey! Captain Chimney is safely behind us, I am a wiser kettle now"

Chimney countered her, smirking at her as she gathered both their plates. It was clear from the way he looked at her that he adored her and the feeling was mutual.

"Actually, you were the /pot/ in that scenario"

Maddie stood, both plates in hand, and made her way to the sink. She never made it. Silverware hit the floor and bounced, the shattering of the dining set ringing in her ears. The world seemed to slow for those short few milliseconds and Maddie found herself on the floor, sweeping up the broken pieces as quickly as she could force her shaking hands.

"Maddie.."

Chimney touched her shoulder, causing the elder Buckley to instinctively flinch, whimper, and force her still shaking hands to work twice as fast. Before he hit her.

"Maddie.. Maddie, stop! Your hand!"

Maddie looked, blood had gathered among the shattered plates and her right palm had been slit open quite good. Brown eyes widened, panic finally fully setting in. She had to leave. /Now/

"I- please.. Don't, I'm sorry."

"It was an accident- Maddie!"

The front door slammed, leaving Chimney alone among the smeared food, broken plates and Maddie's blood.

××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Maddie was still shaking ( and bleeding ) by the time she knocked thrice on someone's front door. She knew it was late and her brother needed to rest, hence why she had been standing out here for five minutes before actually making her presence known. The door swung open so suddenly that Maddie backed away.

"Maddie? What's up? I thought you- hey.. hey, it's okay. C-Come inside. You're safe, alright?"

Buck's usual tone vanished as soon as he saw the state that his sister was in, he knew she needed a more gentle touch right now. He did not try to touch her, merely moved aside so she could walk inside herself. Little freedoms like that were important, he knew.

"Can I see your hand? There's a lot of blood.. Is it okay if I try to bandage that?"

As much as it killed him, Buck waited for her to consent. His big sister was already scared enough, he didn't need to make it any worse.

"Alright. Here, hold this for me while I wrap this"

He handed his sister the roll of medical tape (Hen gave him a whole First Aid Kit 'You hurt yourself too much' she'd said ) and promptly got to work wrapping gauze around Maddie's hand. He hoped it wouldn't need stitches, she couldn't handle a hospital right now.

"I'm sorry"

Maddie's voice was weak and it broke Buck's heart to hear the sister he so often called his hero sound so frightened. He didn't ask, simply waited for her to continue her thought on her own. Little freedoms.

"I should be the one taking care of you, not the other way around."

And /that/ broke Buck the rest of the way. He was holding back tears himself as he taped the gauze to keep it in place.

"Maddie, you took care of me my whole life.. Let me take care of you now"

He tore the tape from the roll, holding it in place for a minute so it would stick. Then he met his sisters eyes. She didn't need to tell him that things at dinner had gone south, he'd gathered that. But there was something in her eyes ( now that he'd finally looked into them ) that rubbed him the wrong way.

"There's something else.. Isn't there?"

He asked this as gently as possible, getting up from kneeling on the floor to join his sister on the couch.

"Mads, whatever it is.. It's not your faul-"

"It was"

Her eyes met his, searching them for something she could grab onto.

"He said we were married, I had no right to say no. No wasn't in our vows. He said I'd vowed to obey."

When she first began to speak, Buck had thought Maddie was speaking of Chimney but was quickly proven wrong. Instead, his sister spoke of the man she'd been with since she was nineteen. The man who said he loved her and called her a bitch in the same breath. The sorry excuse for a husband who hit his wife. The man who, from the words his traumatised ex-wife spoke now, had assaulted her.

"How long? How many times?"

Buck dreaded the answer, his conflicting emotions fought one another for dominance. He felt like punching something, kicking something or screaming at someone. He was mad at the world, mad at Doug, for putting the one person in his life that he was /sure/ he loved through this.

"Pretty much since we were married.. Even before. If I wasn't really asking for it.. Then he really wouldn't."

Younger Buckley couldn't stand what he was hearing, he pulled Maddie to him and just held her lightly against him. She had calmed down quite a bit since she'd arrived ( silver linings )

"He had no right to touch you.. No right to-"

Damn. Saying the word would make it really real, neither he nor Maddie was ready for that.

"Didn't he? We we're married, I-"

"No! No, we aren't talking like that. You have a right to your body, a right to if and when you want to have sex. No means no, Maddie. It doesn't matter if he was your husband or not. You did /not/ consent."

Buck wasn't as dumb or blockheaded as he presented himself to be, he was smart as hell ( though he has strong dumbass energy ) he knew what had happened to his sister and he knew it wouldn't be healed overnight. Hell, it probably would never heal completely.

"You're my hero, Maddie"

He whispered this as he kissed her head, she'd since starting crying. The sound was soft but clearly tortured.

"Of all the siblings in the world, you're /my/ big sister. My first friend, my protector. You're a victim but that's not all you are. You're all of those things too."