#(oh he'd be so jazzed to see 9:69; even though he'll be like in his sixties by then and not so limber anymore)

[invinciblerodent]

currently kinda chomping at the bit a little over two lines I found while re-reading my old Dragon Age fic notes that never ended up seeing the light of day-

"It is better to die thinking you were right, than to be faced with the wrongness of your actions."

and

"Andraste's Herald, Andraste's punishment."

and I hope against all hope that I didn't fucking doom myself to needing to make a fucked up decision in Veilguard the moment I decided that my (overall good, but impulsive, passionate, and somewhat naive) Inquisitor (who had just learned that he was used, lied to, and stabbed in the back by one he thought a good and respected friend)(and was a Reaver hopped up on a bucket of adrenaline) would stumble through that last Eluvian more or less blinded by pain, fear, and a murderous rage

like.... I'm sure he's calmed down quite a bit since then. he was barely 25 during Trespasser and will be like 33-34-ish during Veilguard, he's a whole-ass different person. he's been through the mental health ringer, a year(s?)-long obsessive chase, and an additional 5-6 years of mutual domesticity with the love of his life. surely what he once said in anger isn't reflective of his feelings now, and it isn't going to come back to bite him square in the ass.

like, he's a good, forgiving man. his judgements (all of which Solas was there to see) are evidence that he has an endless supply of second chances he isn't frugal with handing out. but for that, he needs to be able to think about it, and in that moment... oh, boy, in that moment, he was not thinking about it.

"I'm coming to stop you", in that moment, is such a perfectly Ray thing to say, I can't even bring myself to change it in my headcanon, but the closer release draws, the more anxious I get, and the more I hope that that moment's slip won't cost him his life.

(maybe I'll just headcanon in that it haunts him, too, that moment. not just in the "I should have ran him through while I still could" sense, but also in the "I shouldn't have said that- I don't know what would have been the right thing to say, but I shouldn't have said that" sense.)

(maybe he sometimes still lies awake at night, listening to Dorian's soft breathing beside him, and replays that moment over and over in his mind- but every time, he stops before he could say those words. as if to hope that if he thinks hard enough, if he's just clever enough, he can retroactively will into existence a line that'll stop all this madness before it would have ever began. as if coming up with the right words in the right sequence then and there could have convinced Solas to stop, step back, and let it all rot where it stands.)

(It's wishful thinking, but despite knowing that if it comes down to a choice, I know very well what he'll pick, god, do I hope he makes it through this alive.)

me @ my already-darling Rook right now-