#(not very unexpectedly its the more physical aspect that seem to cause disagreement)

[chrispersonalcornermoved]

First: I do respect that some aspects can make someone uncomfortable, sometimes even if they do understand a scene.

Second: I feel like some people do miss the whole point of the stolen kiss on Phoenix Mountain? Or their first time?

Lan Wangji finds himself unable to control himself in Phoenix Mountain, his control snaps briefly and he steals a kiss.

The things is: he stops, and we see very soon after how angry he is (with the implicit fact it’s at himself, and later confirmed he was indeed angry at himself, when Wei Wuxian feels familiar with Lan Wangji’s kiss).

And like... That’s a big part of Lan Wangji’s character, as well as a “flaw”, like... Lan Wangji isn’t perfect. He’s got many good qualities, but that’s also because he learns to control is less good traits.

As a teen, he dreamed of doing things to Wei Wuxian. But he never did those, and I think people forget that. How it’s all a dream, at most that passed his mind again when he’s awake, but at the end of the day, he never did. The only time he was forceful, it was for the kiss, and he backs off almost immediately and is so angry at himself. He never does something like this again. He knows it’s bad.

He wants to bring Wei Wuxian to Gusu, but he only ever asks. Never force him to come.

He isn’t good because he doesn’t have bad traits, but because he deals with them so they don’t cause bad actions. He also recognizes when something is not so good (ex: losing control and stealing a kiss, the idea of forcing Wei Wuxian to come to Gusu, his fantasy as implied by how he tried to not have WWX see the dream of it only for WWX to give no bad reaction).

And again, that’s what makes Lan Wangji so good: in addition to his good traits, he makes sure his bad ones are controlled. The stolen kiss is a way to show that he does have his own flaws, a reminder he’s human, and it puts into context how he’s always avoided giving in to the depth of feelings that pushed him to steal a kiss. But, yes, it’s a reminder he’s human. And while we all can guess who it is, it’s not meant as to romanticize it. It’s meant as, “here is LWJ being unable to control his desire, and regretting it soon after, while WWX is shocked but also senses the person is nervous and actually thinks about the shame if he saw who it was”.

Like... one of thing in WangXian is how both can suffer from how people paint them. Wei Wuxian suffered because he’s been villainized, but Lan Wangji suffered because he’s been idolized.

It’s more subtle for Lan Wangji, but there are hints and signs and pointers toward the implicit reminder that, hey, don’t idolize him and think him without faults, he’s not good because he has no faults, he’s good because he steals a kiss and is angry about it and never does it again, he’s good because he wants to take Wei Wuxian with him but never does, he’s good because he’s had dreams that showed him desires but he never followed them, he’s good because he knows how deeply he feels and does his best to restrain himself until Wei Wuxian tells him it’s okay.

It’s because he’s been put on this piedestal of “model of righteousness”, especially before he met WWX, that LWJ couldn’t really allow himself to have faults.

Also: don’t forget they are both virgins for their first time? Of course they will be awkward, unsure about certain things, trying to make it work, and also there’s the other side that I have yet to see talked about: making love is intense. Like. That’s the love of your life! And for Lan Wangji, it’s the love you’ve loved for so many years, who you never thought you’d have, and you can touch! Who also touches you first, and teases, and you’re just so overwhelmed, but unlike before, you know they love you too. That’s why I said make love, not s/ex.

Their first time is also, to be fair, realistic? They’re in love and want it, but also confused and at best knows some theory. But they managed to figure it out.

(At worst, I can see LWJ not quite thinking when he starts to prepare, but Wei Wuxian isn’t displaying a clear no either, just confusion, and when he does display some pain, Lan Wangji stops. And Wei Wuxian doesn’t ask for them to stop. Also: Lan Wangji telling him to stop talking if he doesn’t like it (what’s he’s “complaining” about), and Wei Wuxian keeps talking.

(And if we look at WWX, he gets carried away when LWJ is drunk, but he himself recognize it was bad. LWJ, for his part, clearly warns WWX off, not because he doesn’t want his touch, but because he wants it too much. As proven as when WWX continues, and LWJ snaps, kissing and touching).

Again, I can understand why some parts feel uncomfy, but I just... wished people could see the intent behind certain aspects.

You can dislike the idea of LWJ stealing a kiss, but it doesn’t mean it was bad writing or not fitting in the story. You can dislike the fantasy he’s had, but it shouldn’t be by forgetting he was a teen getting his first major crush (in a sect that heavily drilled restraint into his head, so to be fair, is it so illogical that he can only associate desire with such a lack of restraint, especially back then?) and also without forgetting he never acts on it. You can dislike their first time or other bedroom dynamics, but it doesn’t mean it was badly written (maybe awkward, but they were virgins too) or that it’s “bad” (real life people can have preferences, and looking on their characterizations, it’s well fitting for LWJ to be the one to “lose control” and for WWX to “let himself be handled/give himself up”, because all their life, that’s the thing they weren’t able to do).

This was a lot about LWJ, as I felt a bit sad to see again some things, when to me, the dynamic was always so... clear.

LWJ: grew up in environment of restraint, has to learn to deal with his own desire, makes mistakes, but learns along the way, if he has a doubt makes sure to know WWX is okay (ex: not seeming to reply to WWX confusion, but stopping when WWX seems in pain, and giving him an out when he says “stop talking then” in reply to WWX apparent complaints, to which WWX gives his okay by talking more). Finds out he can let go of restraints with WWX, still shows some stress/shame/something at times (ex: not wanting WWX to see the library dream, when WWX figures out he stole the kiss) but WWX himself reassures him.

WWX: always confident, always took care of himself, both things sometimes genuine and sometimes a mask. Grew up with a lot of mentality of putting others first, in addition to his own self sacrificing tendencies. Later shows value to the idea of being caught if he falls, aka having someone he can be vulnerable with, who can figuratively catches him, who he can be at the mercy of. Also, I’m pretty sure he discovers he’s got some k/inks as early as the stolen kiss (the forcefulness), and knows it by the time he explicitely says he loves to see LWJ angry (which he was looking to do very early on).

So we have someone who has a need to let go of restraint, and someone who has a need to be at the mercy of someone. Also: someone whose first instinct is to be forceful, and someone who enjoys it. Maybe it’s convenient, maybe MXTX wrote it this way to add another “match made in heaven” aspect (as opposed to make them have trouble in their bedroom life), but it’s there.

Also: they’re happily married, and happily active in the s/exual aspect. We already have troubles having canon gay characters, let alone canon gay couples, can we not tear down canon gay couple who is s/exually active? You can not like the mistake they can make or the awkwardness or their k/inks, but it’s your preferences, just like theirs is what canon shows us.

And I don’t defend canon because it’s canon, I defend it because it aligns with their characterizations. I defend it because I felt so glad their romance, as beautiful as it is, also had its “oops” moment (stolen kiss, non-typical s/exual fantasy, awkward first time, having trouble controlling your desire) that made it feel so much more real. Then you add that they have k/inks? Realistic. Not everyone’s k/inks will feel comfy to you, but its theirs, not yours. What’s to remember, too, is that most of their k/inks were explored when they were in a dream world (and with them already married and so, knowing each other well, including implicit trust and knowledge of each other preferences).

Wangxian romance is not meant to be “pure”. It’s beautiful, it’s a love story, but with its own bumps in the road. They add to the story, and they are not better if they didn’t exist. People can be romantic and s/exual. Wangxian can be soft and k/inky.

Not liking a thing doesn’t mean that thing is a writing mistake of the author, or “unfitting” of the characters/relation.

And for the love of everything, stop saying censorship was good to Wangxian. Especially when you say it removed the “bad” aspects or the things you didn’t ~approve~. I can’t begin to explain why it’s so bad if you can’t realize it yourself. I can’t even begin to try and guess how you can love Wangxian and praise that it was censored.

What’s worse? A stolen kiss not being shown, or a gay marriage not being shown? A stolen kiss not being shown, or a canon gay character rewritten as harrassing women? The s/exual aspect of a romance not being canon, or erasure of anything non-hetero?

It’s a blessing that CQL was able to show the romantic aspect so well, but they played with fire. It only worked out because they gave us as much of the novel romance as they could. Without the actual, full blown romance of the novel, CQL would never have existed nor have such a lovely “soft” romance.

Wangxian can be soft. But it’s only a part of who they are.

You don’t need to like all aspects of their relation and dynamic, but don’t pretend those aspects have no place. They do.

If nothing is censored, you can choose what you pay attention to, and what you kindly not write/read/see, you can create your own comfort without affecting others comfort. But if something is censored, everyone who did want to read/write/see cannot do it then, and your comfort is at the cost of others comfort.

[foursprout-blog]

6 Definite Signs It’s Time To Let Go Of Someone You Love

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/6-definite-signs-its-time-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/

6 Definite Signs It’s Time To Let Go Of Someone You Love

Twenty20 / @malisunshine

Even a relationship that starts off great can suddenly take a turn in another direction unexpectedly. And irrespective of what you are taught and told, fairytale endings don’t exist in relationships. Don’t get me wrong. You can have a great relationship with someone and which can feel mystic, warm, and euphoric. But, love is much more complicated than that. It is why when you are trying to figure out if you should stay or leave a relationship, it is a decision that can easily torment you.

Here are some clear signs to help you know when to walk away from your significant other versus staying put.

1. You argue incessantly. This is a tricky one. If you have been in a long-term relationship, it’s so easy to emotionally shut down when you feel like your significant other doesn’t understand you. Every couple argues. It’s a norm in a relationship and arguments. If done the right way, it can help couples move forward and openly share their position on issues they need to resolve with one another.

However, in my experience of coaching couples, and you might relate to this, it is not uncommon to reach a point in your relationship where you just can’t seem to agree on anything. It happens to the best of couples. But, this is also when your relationship can either temporarily get worse then better or quickly decline without recovering.

Let’s take a step back to understand why arguments happen in relationships. When you argue, you genuinely are trying to get your significant other to understand your perspective and reasoning. And while arguments or disagreements can be uncomfortable, sometimes extremely so, they can also help the relationship. However, because of different communication styles, relationship experiences, and modeling relationships we have seen in our lives, arguments look ugly on the surface if you don’t do it with the right spirit.

Arguments or what I like to term spirited discussions are ok and can be healthy for your relationship. But, this is only if you have ground rules. If your arguments fall into the categories below, then your relationship may be headed in the wrong direction.

Arguments are not used as a way to insult one another or as an excuse to be physically or emotionally abusive.

When you argue you should not disrespect the other person’s character, traits, or use your knowledge you have of them in a way that violates them and to be purposely hurtful. If this is you or your significant other’s MO, you’re digging a well that will only get deeper.

Having healthy arguments is ok and reasonable, but should not be done in a way which causes the other person to feel worse. And if this has become the texture of your relationship, it is probably time to take a break.

2. You are putting in all of the work. If your relationship has reached a point where you are the only one actively supporting and trying to save the relationship it might be time for a break. A relationship cannot sustain itself based on one person doing all of the work.

It is impossible. Not only will you wear yourself out physically, mentally, and emotionally, but the other person knows they can put in very little work and you will still stick around. If this is happening to you, realize that often it gets worse versus better.

When your partner stops putting effort into the relationship it’s a clear sign of the following:

They don’t respect you.

They don’t care enough about you to work with you to figure out how to fix what is broken between the two of you.

They are selfish.

They do not love you unconditionally.

Putting in the work by both parties is the only way to make a relationship flow and move forward. One person can’t carry the entire load. Without emotional support and investment of two individuals, you are missing one of the major cornerstones of any successful relationship.

3. Your significant other has significant problems. Here are some specific examples. They cannot keep employment. They are horrible with their finances. They are addicted to drugs, alcohol or have a gambling problem. You keep trying to keep their addictions at bay, and you may have moments of success in doing so. But, inevitably, they go back to their bad habits.

My advice in this situation would be the following: “Realize that you cannot help someone overcome their own demons. They have to do this for themselves.” If they take these steps on their own, give them time to prove that they have changed. And then take small steps to figure out if they can stay consistent with their commitment to sobriety or to improve their destructive behavior.

Every relationship has its problems, but you cannot prevent someone from taking a step towards something they want to do even with the best guidance, support, and intentions. They have to want to make a change. Otherwise, your efforts are in vain.

4. They don’t make future plans with you. One thing I can promise you wholeheartedly is that if someone cares and loves you, they will make it clear. This means they will prioritize you and your place in their life. They will let you know where they stand with you and this includes making it clear to you what their future plans are with you.

You don’t have to overthink it with someone who cares about you, because the evidence won’t just be in what they say, but also in what they do for you. Figuring out how they feel about you will be the least of your worries.

I’m not saying you always know all of the future plans right away, but if you have been with someone a year or more and they don’t have any certainty of where things are headed with you, they are not into you. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better and will be better without them in your life.

5. They alienate you from others that are important to you. It’s normal at the beginning of a relationship to be with someone and spend a lot of your time with them. But, as you feel more secure in your relationship with them and you get to know one another, you should continue to carve out time with people that matter to you.

If someone in your relationship is so insecure that they try to alienate you from those who are closest to you, this is a huge red flag. It’s the first signs of control and possibly an abusive relationship. If this is happening in your relationship, realize it’s not normal. In healthy relationships, the other person understands you have existing relationships with others who are important to you. They should respect these relationships as long as they are not damaging to your relationship with one another.

6. You feel worse when you are with them. In any new relationship, there is absolutely that feeling of happiness and excitement because of the newness of having someone in your life who cares about you. Love just makes you feel a certain way. It’s intoxicating.

But if you are in a relationship with someone and you increasingly have negative feelings when you are around them, it’s likely that you aren’t with someone who is truly compatible with you. And if this is increasingly happening, there are probably some logical reasons why.

These feelings can be more difficult to comprehend if the other person is nice and seem like a good fit for you on paper. It may even make you want to justify the existence and continuation of the relationship. But, your heart knows when something is or isn’t right. And your intuition will always be your better guide. If being with someone continually makes you feel worse, they don’t compliment who you are, or add to your happiness it’s time to decide to let go.

There are so many people who suffer in relationships knowing that it isn’t right for them for many different reasons. However, they justify it based on superficial reasons. For example, if your significant other is taking care of you materially, and this is one of the few things you can point to that they bring to the table, this is a limited perspective. Some level of financial security matters, but if that’s the only or strongest component of your relationship and it is devoid of other things such as kindness, consideration, emotional support, and unconditional love, you’re missing on the other aspects of love that also matter.

Leaving a relationship where you love someone can be one of the hardest things to do. There can be a real fear of loneliness, not finding someone who can love you, and feel like you have to settle because you feel like you have limited options.

But, it’s important to remember that you never have to settle for someone who isn’t the right fit for you. Once you disconnect from someone who you know isn’t for you, your life takes on an entirely different outlook. You allow room for someone who can give you the connection you need and most importantly deserve. And that is something worth having!

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

6 Definite Signs It’s Time To Let Go Of Someone You Love

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/6-definite-signs-its-time-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/

6 Definite Signs It’s Time To Let Go Of Someone You Love

Twenty20 / @malisunshine

Even a relationship that starts off great can suddenly take a turn in another direction unexpectedly. And irrespective of what you are taught and told, fairytale endings don’t exist in relationships. Don’t get me wrong. You can have a great relationship with someone and which can feel mystic, warm, and euphoric. But, love is much more complicated than that. It is why when you are trying to figure out if you should stay or leave a relationship, it is a decision that can easily torment you.

Here are some clear signs to help you know when to walk away from your significant other versus staying put.

1. You argue incessantly. This is a tricky one. If you have been in a long-term relationship, it’s so easy to emotionally shut down when you feel like your significant other doesn’t understand you. Every couple argues. It’s a norm in a relationship and arguments. If done the right way, it can help couples move forward and openly share their position on issues they need to resolve with one another.

However, in my experience of coaching couples, and you might relate to this, it is not uncommon to reach a point in your relationship where you just can’t seem to agree on anything. It happens to the best of couples. But, this is also when your relationship can either temporarily get worse then better or quickly decline without recovering.

Let’s take a step back to understand why arguments happen in relationships. When you argue, you genuinely are trying to get your significant other to understand your perspective and reasoning. And while arguments or disagreements can be uncomfortable, sometimes extremely so, they can also help the relationship. However, because of different communication styles, relationship experiences, and modeling relationships we have seen in our lives, arguments look ugly on the surface if you don’t do it with the right spirit.

Arguments or what I like to term spirited discussions are ok and can be healthy for your relationship. But, this is only if you have ground rules. If your arguments fall into the categories below, then your relationship may be headed in the wrong direction.

Arguments are not used as a way to insult one another or as an excuse to be physically or emotionally abusive.

When you argue you should not disrespect the other person’s character, traits, or use your knowledge you have of them in a way that violates them and to be purposely hurtful. If this is you or your significant other’s MO, you’re digging a well that will only get deeper.

Having healthy arguments is ok and reasonable, but should not be done in a way which causes the other person to feel worse. And if this has become the texture of your relationship, it is probably time to take a break.

2. You are putting in all of the work. If your relationship has reached a point where you are the only one actively supporting and trying to save the relationship it might be time for a break. A relationship cannot sustain itself based on one person doing all of the work.

It is impossible. Not only will you wear yourself out physically, mentally, and emotionally, but the other person knows they can put in very little work and you will still stick around. If this is happening to you, realize that often it gets worse versus better.

When your partner stops putting effort into the relationship it’s a clear sign of the following:

They don’t respect you.

They don’t care enough about you to work with you to figure out how to fix what is broken between the two of you.

They are selfish.

They do not love you unconditionally.

Putting in the work by both parties is the only way to make a relationship flow and move forward. One person can’t carry the entire load. Without emotional support and investment of two individuals, you are missing one of the major cornerstones of any successful relationship.

3. Your significant other has significant problems. Here are some specific examples. They cannot keep employment. They are horrible with their finances. They are addicted to drugs, alcohol or have a gambling problem. You keep trying to keep their addictions at bay, and you may have moments of success in doing so. But, inevitably, they go back to their bad habits.

My advice in this situation would be the following: “Realize that you cannot help someone overcome their own demons. They have to do this for themselves.” If they take these steps on their own, give them time to prove that they have changed. And then take small steps to figure out if they can stay consistent with their commitment to sobriety or to improve their destructive behavior.

Every relationship has its problems, but you cannot prevent someone from taking a step towards something they want to do even with the best guidance, support, and intentions. They have to want to make a change. Otherwise, your efforts are in vain.

4. They don’t make future plans with you. One thing I can promise you wholeheartedly is that if someone cares and loves you, they will make it clear. This means they will prioritize you and your place in their life. They will let you know where they stand with you and this includes making it clear to you what their future plans are with you.

You don’t have to overthink it with someone who cares about you, because the evidence won’t just be in what they say, but also in what they do for you. Figuring out how they feel about you will be the least of your worries.

I’m not saying you always know all of the future plans right away, but if you have been with someone a year or more and they don’t have any certainty of where things are headed with you, they are not into you. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better and will be better without them in your life.

5. They alienate you from others that are important to you. It’s normal at the beginning of a relationship to be with someone and spend a lot of your time with them. But, as you feel more secure in your relationship with them and you get to know one another, you should continue to carve out time with people that matter to you.

If someone in your relationship is so insecure that they try to alienate you from those who are closest to you, this is a huge red flag. It’s the first signs of control and possibly an abusive relationship. If this is happening in your relationship, realize it’s not normal. In healthy relationships, the other person understands you have existing relationships with others who are important to you. They should respect these relationships as long as they are not damaging to your relationship with one another.

6. You feel worse when you are with them. In any new relationship, there is absolutely that feeling of happiness and excitement because of the newness of having someone in your life who cares about you. Love just makes you feel a certain way. It’s intoxicating.

But if you are in a relationship with someone and you increasingly have negative feelings when you are around them, it’s likely that you aren’t with someone who is truly compatible with you. And if this is increasingly happening, there are probably some logical reasons why.

These feelings can be more difficult to comprehend if the other person is nice and seem like a good fit for you on paper. It may even make you want to justify the existence and continuation of the relationship. But, your heart knows when something is or isn’t right. And your intuition will always be your better guide. If being with someone continually makes you feel worse, they don’t compliment who you are, or add to your happiness it’s time to decide to let go.

There are so many people who suffer in relationships knowing that it isn’t right for them for many different reasons. However, they justify it based on superficial reasons. For example, if your significant other is taking care of you materially, and this is one of the few things you can point to that they bring to the table, this is a limited perspective. Some level of financial security matters, but if that’s the only or strongest component of your relationship and it is devoid of other things such as kindness, consideration, emotional support, and unconditional love, you’re missing on the other aspects of love that also matter.

Leaving a relationship where you love someone can be one of the hardest things to do. There can be a real fear of loneliness, not finding someone who can love you, and feel like you have to settle because you feel like you have limited options.

But, it’s important to remember that you never have to settle for someone who isn’t the right fit for you. Once you disconnect from someone who you know isn’t for you, your life takes on an entirely different outlook. You allow room for someone who can give you the connection you need and most importantly deserve. And that is something worth having!