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bcimbatmandude · 4 years ago

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More Human Than Meets the Eye-chapter 1

A/N: Hello! I’ve posted this before but stopped writing it, so I’m posting it again because I’ve picked it up again. This story involves Sherlock having a daughter. It goes through the series and we see how the character would change to fit around a 7 year old lol. This might be trash to some of you but it’s fun to write. Please enjoy!

"We don't know a thing about each other; I don't know where we're meeting; I don't even know your name!" John Watson was utterly flabbergasted. Here before him stood a tall, very strange man. He had short, dark curly hair. A scarf was hanging loosely around his neck, and he was sporting what appeared to be a very nice dark grey Milford Coat.

"We've only just met each other," John continued, "and you want to go look at a flat together?"

"Problem?" the curly haired man questioned, left eyebrow rising.

John just stared. His mouth opened and closed a few times. He was aware that he probably looked like a blubbering idiot, but for the life of him, he couldn't think of a retort. He looked to his left in the hopes of receiving assistance from his friend Mike. However, none was to be found. Mike smiled towards John somewhat smugly.

A bit put out, John finally managed to find his voice again. "Look mate, I don't know if…"

"You're an army doctor," the man interrupted. "You've been invalid from Afghanistan. You've got a brother who's worried about you but you won't go to him for help because you don't approve of him due to either his alcoholism or the fact that he just recently walked out on his wife. I'm leaning towards the latter. Your therapist believes that your limp is psychosomatic. She's correct." He ended his rambling and smirked at John, then proceeded to stride towards the door.

"That's enough to sate you I believe." He opened the door and started to strut out before quickly swinging his upper half back inside the room. "The names Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street. Afternoon."

The door swung shut behind him, and John stared dumbly at it for a few seconds before swinging his head back towards Mike. The man simply smiled at his dumbfounded friend. "Yeah, he's always like that."

SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH

John gazed at the bronze letters in front of him curiously, his cane propped carefully next to him.

221B Baker Street.

The sound of a car pulling up interrupted his thought process, and he turned around to see the man from earlier, Sherlock Holmes, get out of his taxi. He closed the car door and leaned back in through the window to hand him the driver money. "Thanks very much," he said before turning around and walking towards John. "Hello again," he greeted, holding his hand out.

"Ah, Mr. Holmes," John replied, grabbing his hand in a firm shake. "Sherlock, please," he requested. John nodded and commented, "This looks like a prime spot. Must be expensive."

Sherlock hummed. "Yes I suppose it would be." At John's questioning look he continued. " The landlady, Mrs. Hudson, owed me a favor and gave me a special deal."

"Oh?" John hummed.

"Yes,” Mr. Holmes nodded. “A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to assist her with his sentencing." "You were able to stop her husband from being executed?" John inquired."Oh no," Sherlock smiled, "I ensured it."

Before John could respond to that, Sherlock had swung the door open. A small, older woman with a kind face was there to meet them, and John watched as she greeted Sherlock cheerfully. She embraced him, and John was somewhat surprised to see Sherlock briefly return her affections with a hug of his own.Sherlock allowed his landlady and new flat mate to exchange introductions before making his way upstairs to his abode. He waited patiently for John to limp his way up the necessary steps, and opened the door exposing the living room.

John thought the flat looked nice, very nice indeed. It just needed some tidying up. He said as much. "Well this could be nice. Very nice indeed."

"Yes, my thoughts precisely. So I went ahead and moved in." As he spoke the last sentence, John also said, "Soon as we get all the rubbish cleaned out."

An awkward pause filled the room, and John inwardly cringed. He opened his mouth to apologize, but before he could, he heard what he thought sounded like a child giggling. "Sorry," he started, looking at Sherlock in confusion. "Did I just hear a child?" Sherlock rolled his eyes."I forgot to mention that I have a…"

"Dad!"

John swung around towards the door of the flat, watching as a small child burst through and ran straight towards Sherlock.

"…daughter," Sherlock finished. John watched as the little girl ran up to Sherlock and hugged his leg. She only reached up to about a little above his knee, and John ruled her to be about 7 or 8 years old. She had blonde curly hair that reached to about her shoulders. She was turned towards her father so the rest of her features were hidden from him.

"Dad, you're back!" the child exclaimed happily.

"Yes," Sherlock simply replied. "I see you've gotten into the ice cream again."

The child stepped back a bit from the man, ducking her head. "Yes, well, Mrs. Hudson offered me some and I couldn't be rude and refuse…"Sherlock rolled his eyes again in exasperation. John figured he did that a lot.

"Hello!" He looked down towards the small voice that was suddenly addressing him. "My name's Adaline," she started, walking towards him. "Adaline Cecilia Holmes. But I just go by Adaline."

She held her hand out towards John.Highly amused at her adorable action, he gently took her small hand in his. "Are you going to live with us?" she inquired, looking up at him with big green eyes that matched her fathers.

In fact, a lot of her matched her father. She definitely had his particular shade of green eyes. The shape of her nose was from Sherlock, and her ivory complexion matched his as well. The only difference of course was the color of her hair, and a rosiness to her cheeks which made her look very innocent and cherub like.

"I believe so," John answered, and couldn't help but smile back at her when she beamed up at him in response to his statement.

"Adaline what on Earth are you wearing on your feet?" Sherlock spoke in an exasperated voice.John looked down curiously and chuckled. She was wearing bright green rain boots which didn't at all match the blue floral dress she had on. They had little lily pads on them and a frog was show cased near the toe of the boots. John was even more amused when she turned towards her father and the shoes let out a tiny croak.

"Do you like them?" she grinned excitedly. "Mrs. Hudson got them for me!"

"Mrs. Hudson!" Sherlock yelled suddenly. "Yes dear?" the kind lady inquired, walking inside. "Mrs. Hudson how many times have I told you that if you buy her clothing, it must be sensible?" The landlady's eyebrows went up in confusion. "I don't know what you mean Sherlock."

Croak.

John snickered a bit and Sherlock groaned. "Oh lighten up Sherlock," she lightly laughed. "She was such a sweet girl helping me tidy up my apartment and I couldn't resist." Sherlock huffed when Mrs. Hudson and Adaline both looked up at him with innocent smiles. "Oh alright," he conceded. "Next time just make sure you buy her things that aren't so…loud."

Mrs. Hudson nodded and looked towards John."What do you think of the flat then Doctor Watson? If you'll be needing two bedrooms there's another one right upstairs."

"Of course we'll be needing two bedrooms," he answered, slightly confused. She smiled at him. "Oh don't worry dear, there's all sorts round here. Mrs. Turner next door's got married ones." John spluttered in indignation and looked to Sherlock, who seemed to be oblivious to the land lady's words. "Sherlock the mess you've made!" Mrs. Hudson continued, also unaware of John's plight.

He watched as Sherlock began to somewhat attempt to tidy up the place. He limped himself over to the nearest armchair and plopped himself down. Adaline giggled at John's silliness and walked over to the coach, croaking the entire way. "Adaline I insist you take your shoes off before walking any further. I simply cannot endure the croaking." "But dad I can't take them off yet!" She cried, looking at her father imploringly. "Mrs. Hudson says I need to wear them as much as possible to work them in." "Of course she did," he muttered, letting the matter drop.

It was silent throughout the flat for a little bit then, and John glanced around trying to take everything in. His eyes landed on one particular item on the mantel piece. "That's a skull." He stated the obvious. "Friend of mine," Sherlock answered, glaring for a second at Adaline's shoes.

"His name is Rupert," Adaline provided for John. "I much prefer the name Billy," Sherlock countered.

"I looked you up on the internet last night," John said then.

"Find anything interesting?"

"I found your website," John answered. "The Science of Deduction." Sherlock smiled at John, quite proud of himself. "What did you think?"

His smile fell when John got a hesitant look on his face."You said you could identify a software designer by his tie and an airline pilot by his left thumb." "That's correct," Sherlock nodded. "I can also read your military career in your face and leg, and your brother's drinking habits by your mobile phone."

"How is that possible?"

"My dad is quite clever, Dr. Watson," Adaline said. Sherlock gave a small smile to his daughter in thanks. "What about these suicides then, Sherlock?" Mrs. Hudson inquired. She walked over and grabbed the newspaper that had been thrown on the table in the living room. "Three exactly the same."

"Four," Sherlock corrected, walking over to the window and peering out of it. Adaline hopped up from her place on the coach and walked over to her father. She wrapped an arm around his leg, and he glanced down at her, placing his left hand on top of her head. She leaned into him sweetly and he gently began running his fingers through her curls. "There's been a fourth."

John turned his head towards the door when he heard footsteps coming up towards the flat. Inspector Lestrade strode through. The man looked over at John, giving him a polite nod in greeting before looking back towards the curly haired man.

"Uncle Greg!" Lestrade looked down when he suddenly felt something small attach itself to his leg and grip it firmly. "Hello Ada!" he greeted warmly, hugging her back happily. He was quite fond of the little girl, and commented to Sherlock as often as he could how much more pleasant she was than her father."Where?" Sherlock asked the detective, cutting right to the chase."Brixton, Lauriston Gardens," Lestrade answered, looking away from the child now and back to Sherlock.

"What's new about this one?" Adaline asked, and the detective looked back down, eyebrow raised. "Uncle Greg you wouldn't have come if there was nothing new," she finished smartly. He shook his head a bit at her astuteness, and answered. "This one decided to be a bit different and leave a note. Will you come?"

Sherlock gave a pause before continuing. "Who's on forensics?"

"Anderson."

Sherlock grimaced and Adaline looked at her father worriedly. John had no idea what was going on or why Adaline was now somewhat pouting. "Anderson won't work with me," Sherlock said."Well he won't be your assistant." "I need an assistant."

Adaline opened her mouth, and without even looking in her direction, Sherlock said, "No, Adaline." She huffed and crossed her arms dejectedly.

"Will you come?" Lestrade asked again."Not in a police car," he answered. "I'll be right behind." Lestrade thanked the man and left. Silence echoed through the flat for a good five seconds before Sherlock excitedly leapt into the air, clenching his fists triumphantly. He picked his daughter up and whirled her around in a circle happily.

The little girl, completely forgetting she was supposed to be upset, giggled wildly and latched onto her father's arms. He plopped a sweet kiss on her forehead before setting her down and running towards the door.

"Brilliant!" he cried. "Absolutely brilliant. Four serial suicides, and now a note! Oh it's Christmas! Mrs. Hudson please watch Adaline for me. I know you won't mind. I'll probably be late coming back; make sure she eats something. Bed by 9:30 at the latest. I will also require sustenance."

"I'm your land lady Sherlock, not your babysitter," she reminded him."Something cold will do," he continued.

He stopped all movements suddenly and looked towards Adaline. He gave her 'the look' and she sighed and nodded, seemingly understanding just what it entailed. He nodded back, satisfied. "John, have a cuppa and make yourself at home. Don't wait up!" Sherlock darted out of the room, leaving the three remaining occupants staring at each other. Adaline croaked herself over to her father's chair, sitting down. She kept looking towards the door, as if she were waiting for something to happen.

"Look at him, dashing about!" Mrs. Hudson tutted. "My husband was just the same." She smiled fondly towards John. "But you're more the sitting down type, I can tell. I'll make you that cup of tea. You just rest your leg."

"Damn my leg!" John shouted loudly and quite unexpectedly, making Mrs. Hudson and Adaline look at him in shock.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry," he back tracked when he realized he had startled a child. She looked at him from her chair, blinking owlishly. "It's just sometimes this bloody thing…"

"I understand dear," Mrs. Hudson cut in. "I've got a hip." John cleared his throat. "A cuppa would be quite lovely, thank you." "Just this once dear," the land lady replied, walking towards her flat. "Couple of biscuits too, if you've got them."

"I'll help Mrs. Hudson!" Adaline threw in sweetly, bouncing towards the older woman. Mrs. Hudson chuckled fondly towards the child. "You just want some more sweets." "Well.." the blonde haired girl started. Mrs. Hudson winked and lowered her voice a bit. "It'll be our little secret dear." Adaline beamed at her and John chuckled at the two. He picked up the newspaper next to him, and began sifting through it.

"You're a doctor," John heard a deep voice say and looked over to see Sherlock leaning against the doorway. His eyebrows rose. "Yes…" he started. "In fact you're an army doctor."

"I am," John confirmed.

"Any good?"

"Very good."

"Seen a lot of injuries then. Violent deaths."

"Yes."

"Bit of trouble too, I bet." "Of course, yes," John answered quietly. He watched as Adaline peeked her way in through the doorway again, having heard her father's voice. "Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.""Want to see some more?" Sherlock inquired, already knowing the answer. John looked away from Adaline to Sherlock. "Oh God, yes."

The two men headed out of the room towards the front door. "Are you all going out?" Mrs. Hudson asked. "Impossible suicides Mrs. Hudson? Four of them? There's no point sitting at home when there's finally something fun going on!" He took the older woman by her shoulders and pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek.

"Look at you, all happy. It's not decent," she said, the smile on her face contradicting her words."Who cares about decent?" Sherlock and John headed towards the door, John going outside first.

Sherlock went to follow when he stopped suddenly and turned back towards the flat. John turned as well and saw that Adaline had grabbed the back of her father's coat. Sherlock kneeled down to her level."I'll be back very soon," he promised quietly.

Adaline said nothing, only gazed at her father very seriously for several seconds. She bit her lip and creased her eyebrows and John had to fight back a smile at the adorableness. He didn't dare move for fear of interrupting the father-daughter moment. She nodded then, and Sherlock moved towards her, grabbing her small body in a tight hug before kissing the side of her head and standing to his full height once again, and bounding outside.

"The game is on!"

that’s chapter 1! I’ve gotten all the way to chapter 13 written I think?? I’ll post them randomly. anyway! thanks for reading! next one should be up soon.

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agingerwithaseoul · 7 years ago

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I want to talk about feeling distanced from a part of yourself, or rather separating a toxic part of yourself and convincing yourself it’s not really you.

I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to play the victim here at all. I was faced with a challenge and i failed it. I was weak where i very easily could have been strong. I was put into a very uncomfortable work situation where I was the most depressed i have ever been in my life. I had to sit in the kitchen at work because i would just be crying uncontrollably at the office. It was everything from minor sexual assault to not having a bed for 3 months. I was being emotionally abused for 3 months straight by the person who basically controlled my job, my housing, and the opinions of everyone around me. This then continued for many months after that.

Because of my depression, the new people I was working with treated me in all different ways. Some were over the top supportive and asking me how i was doing every day tears or no tears, and some were the opposite.

By the end of the summer I had lost 20lbs and was trying to figure out how to see a therapist with no american medical insurance. I had to ask my abuser if the company would cover my therapy and his response was ‘you need to make more friends.’ I never got treatment.

I came back to Korea with my depression for 6 more months, with the treatment by the new coworkers getting even worse, which in turn made me treat them poorly too. That’s when the toxicity of my personality became clear. Luckily I had my best friend and my boyfriend with me in Korea so I wasnt facing it alone, but my depression was turning into something much more dangerous. This was the first time in my life I had met people that unapologetically made me feel horrible and openly ignored or belittled me and my defense mechanism was to try to do the exact same back which, doesn’t work. During this time I also had an infection that almost cost me my kidney, they’re both permanently scarred. I didn’t go to the hospital early on because I didn’t want to miss work and give my abuser an excuse to scold me. Later I needed surgery.

The coworkers were taken out of my life without much closure, but the anger in my heart was still there. It was like a bad break up where I check up on their instagrams not knowing what I’m looking for. Do I want them to be unhappy? Do I want them to be happy? I dont know and its unhealthy.

My depression significantly lifted nearly simultaneously with me not having to deal to those people and after I started YouTube I was so happy! My best friend had just moved away so I was suddenly missing a huge piece of my life. YouTube was something that was motivating me to leave my house and the comment section was where I had most of my human interaction.

Looking back on it now, I was much lonelier than I would ever admit to myself. As for my boyfriend, youtube was like my own little world so we never talked about it and it felt very private and very mine. He is always a shining light for me, but only recently did i let him into this part of my life.

Though I thought my depression had left me alone, something happened that proved I was wrong.

I had done something that was misunderstood, and it was the first feeling of being attacked that I’ve had since the time I was depressed. This misunderstanding caused someone to do something so small and so petty that it shouldnt have bothered me, and writing it here seems so stupid, but it really hurt me. My best friend had left, i had started this new fun creative adventure and every time i logged in i would be met with a small gesture of hate. To them it probably felt like nothing, and looking back on it I should definitely have been able to handle it, but at the time it felt like i had made these special paintings and every day i’d find someone poured a bucket of red paint over each and every one of them. It really sounds so dramatic but I was (or maybe still am) emotionally weak from basically 2 years of emotional abuse and it got deep under my skin.

Everything about this situation was so petty that I didnt want to talk to anyone about it, so I buried it. Then I gave up. It was like someone kept picking on my scab i was trying to ignore and i took the bait. I got angry and acted out, but it was worse because i had the internet and i could be anonymous. And my actions hurt people. I hurt people. And i can never undo what i did or excuse why i did it.

The scariest thing about this was, i was able to completely separate the me that was mean in this one space online, from who i was “in real life.” That person i was being was the opposite of the morals and standards i hold myself to “in real life” even though so much of what i consider my “real life” is online. This is where im going to get confusing because to be honest im still confused.

There was a part of me that felt satisfaction seeing people agree with some mean thing I wrote online at the same time i’d feel totally ashamed and guilty and i couldnt sleep because of what i did.

I know i seem really positive and happy and like a supportive friend and i am, but there was a small part of me that wasn’t or still isnt, i guess, because i know even though im suppressing it, its still there. What was most unhealthy is that i was so sure it was just an internet persona that i didnt consider it to be a part of myself. The person you see on youtube or tumblr or instagram is honestly who i am, its not a fake personality i put on, thats genuinely how i am if you were to meet me on the street. But i refused to accept that that isnt completely me. There’s that 1% of me that is a person i loathe, that im ashamed of, that i wanted to stop being, but part of it felt like such a release to play that role.

I was so ashamed of myself that i couldnt tell anyone. Even my friends that i really trust, it was such a private thing that it almost felt like it was part of another world. Not the reality i lived in. again, confusing but thats just how i felt and honestly still feel a little bit. I didnt want to tell people about it because i didnt want them to think that was who i am, but really it was just i didnt want to admit that that was who i am.

Then one day, it really hit me how badly i had behaved. I felt ashamed and i knew i needed help.

Luckily i have a friend who is understanding. I had lied to her face many times when it came to this dark side of mine. I knew she needed to know and i trusted she would have the best advice and wouldnt sugar coat things for me. And luckily i was right. She listened, and she held me accountable. Now that i finally let someone in and that someone was able to tell me point blank ‘what you’re doing is wrong and unhealthy’ i felt the ability to come forward to the person I hurt. Whether or not they believe me or accept my apology is out of my hands, but now that I know I told the truth, I can begin to move forward.

Now I’m working on figuring out what it was that made me act like that. Why was my reaction to such minor harassment so cowardly? What is it that affected me so strongly? How i behaved makes me feel actually nauseous and I know I will never do that again. I hurt people because i could and thats unacceptable.

With online behavior nowadays especially here on tumblr or youtube, its so easy to be someone you arent. But as you act out that persona long enough you have to accept that its not some persona, its you. Its me. I took those thoughts and words from my own mind and put them out there by my own choice. That rude person is a part of me and i need to deal with it. I think having a great support system around you is important and i lost that now that i have such infrequent contact with my friends.

So if you’re reading all the way through, perhaps its because you’ve felt something like this to? Maybe not taking advantage of online anonymity but maybe you have a small part of your personality that you’re not proud of, that you separate from your true self. I hope you can accept that that is also you and that we all need to work on that if we ever want to grow.

I’m sorry if this is coming out of seemingly nowhere because this is so not my personality, but it is. Its something i am going to deal with and i hope that this inspires anyone else to reflect on some part of themselves they’re ashamed of or distanced from. To accept it as part of you and to grow from it. You cant fix something if you pretend it isnt really there.

Im sorry this was vague and i will feel uncomfortable talking about this with anyone that isnt someone that knows the situation so im not going to answer any comments about this but please see this is as my first step in acknowledging and moving forward. Thank you for listening if you’re still here.

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academla · 8 years ago

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Hey guys! I'm taking a break from tumblr etc until everything dies down, but I just wanted to say a few things. ("Few things" guarantees an essay complete with references to sociological concepts, by the way.)

First of all, I fell prey to the online game of telephone. Rather than firmly tell my friend that I didn't want to hear about it in the first place, because it wasn't really that necessary for me to know, I got angry because it was my understanding that there was legit hate going on, and not just "oh I don't like this story." Every time I was like okay okay it's fine, I heard something new that this person had apparently said about me. So it did rile me up.

To be fair I did ask my friend to not tell me, and I kind of literally told them to shut the fuck up about it bc it was making things worse, and I told them I didn't want to know or hear about it, but they admit that they felt like they had to and it was hard for them not to talk about it. Which was beyond my control. On top of that, I tend to emphasize dealing with difficult situations, because people like to see me navigate those. Because I like to navigate those. So every time I have received literal hate in the past, I've talked a lot about it and come back at the haters. Who were all anonymous. Therefore, without knowing all of the facts, I was 1. Pissed off bc I kept being told that this person was hating on me, and 2. Took that situation and magnified it almost purposefully, so that I could discuss dealing with it. It wasn't about the specific person but more about "haters" in general too. The specific person was just like, the exemplification of all haters in the world, and I wanted to combat that. My way of dealing with hate is to make sarcastic asides about it, to joke about it, and it gets over exaggerated in the process. To me that detaches it from the original source, making it less hurtful, but I realize that to others it just makes them think that person is 10 times more horrible. I kept getting feedback about this person from my friend, and I just wasn't mature enough to brush it off. Now, people seem to think that I was like "one piece of criticism and I'm OUTTA here." That's the image I projected, so that's totally my bad. It wasn't just that. I have been stressed (as a lot of people can attest) about AO3 for awhile. It stressed me out because I felt like I was writing for others, for numbers - kudos, hits, bookmarks, comments - rather than for myself. And by "others" I mean digital numbers that stand in for people. By gathering a smaller, more intimate audience, I feel less like I'm writing for some unknown... god of internet fanfiction, and more for actual people. It humanizes my audience. When I heard that this person was trash talking (apparently) my work, THAT was the last straw, and it just sort of finalized that decision. Had I not heard this "news" I probably would've inevitably taken a break anyway. I had talked to my therapist for weeks about how stressful online writing has been for me. But I did focus more than I should have on the "hate". I would definitely like to acknowledge that however I actually felt and whatever my motivations, I absolutely seem to have overreacted. I do believe that while I love the internet for many things, it has made me become more radical, because I think the unfortunate thing - and what I fall prey to a lot as well as the telephone game - is that when people are endorsing your anger in any way, you're more encouraged to turn up the dial. I was upset in the moment, and I just wanted to vent (also, I didn't publicly mention this person by name. Some concerned readers asked and I told them. One of them got especially mad. And nobody had the facts anymore.) And then in my mind the situation was detached from the one person, and expanded to include all the theoretical people in life who might hate. But I didn't present it as such. So I'll readily admit I was in the wrong in that regard. I talked to my friend and she wants to take full responsibility for having started this in the first place. It's true I do think there was miscommunication where I didn't actually check the facts or verify what exactly was being said. I was under the impression that this group of people spent time in the chat just talking shit about me and my work. This probably was over exaggerated. The internet is the devil's playground, honestly. It can make us all act like kids. And it brings out the worst. It causes total mayhem that wouldn't happen irl. (And it doesn't help when people (me) are up until 4:30 am and think they can make coherent, well advised emotional life decisions.) So, I'm still doing email lists, because I like the more personal, club type vibe. I genuinely enjoy it more, haters or no. Am I proud of how I handled the situation? No. While initially I just wanted to vent, I blew it out of proportion and I misled people and I was over dramatic without intending to be. I think I just got caught up in it. The internet is intoxicating to me and I think can be to other users: it just feels like... I don't know, but it feels gross. When you can post whatever you want and say whatever you want, it's never really a good thing. The problem is, I forget that I even have an audience. I legitimately forget that I'm not talking into the void. That people are literally reading the things that I post. I always think (god knows why) that the number of notes a post gets = how many people saw it. I don't know why. I guess I'm just not used to people "listening" to me, so I lull myself into a false sense of security where like "nobody's listening anyway." I lost my direction and I got ungrounded and that's nobody's fault but my own for not mustering up the wherewithal to be like alright homie this is getting not healthy for anyone. Please abort everything. I should have been the bigger person and simply not let it get to me. And perhaps everyone out there is now calling me a baby. But "babies" victimize themselves and try to get a cop out of taking any responsibility by doing so. I'm hoping that I'm showing my more "grown up" side by doing this and being, hopefully, the bigger person as I ought to have been all along. You know the Thomas theorem? Basically it says that "If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences. In other words, the interpretation of a situation causes the action. This interpretation is not objective." (I say "basically", and then I quote something bc I'm too unoriginal.) That's what happens on the internet. That's what happens with gossip. I thought that I was legitimately being hated on by a group of people, so I reacted as such. Perhaps I wasn't actually receiving the level of hate I thought. Perhaps it was mostly wrong for my friend to tell me all this stuff. Honestly, this feels like middle school. I found out from a friend that some person I didn't know was talking behind my back. I overreacted. The friend shouldn't have said anything. The person still said the things they said, and still made me feel bad, so the question is whether they should apologize as well? Even if their intent was to not be found out, if they got caught, should they apologize for their part in it the way anyone would apologize if they said something rude to someone's face? That's such a classic middle school girl situation. I'm not holding my breath for an apology or acknowledgement of responsibility, though. Did I learn something? Absolutely. And I think I'll keep learning it until I stop taking everything people tell me so damn seriously (and assume it's 100% accurate), and until I just get my head back on straight. Important to understand is that I didn't stop posting bc of one person, they were just the catalyst. I also didn't delete anything. I was in the wrong for jumping to conclusions. I was in the wrong for getting angry and not giving myself a moment to breathe. It would've been fine if everything wasn't projected on the internet. But it was. I take responsibility for that, and my friend takes responsibility for instigating this entire situation in the first place and continuing to fuel the fire. The question, as always, is where to go from here. If I could, I would call up this person and chat with them. I have a sneaking suspicion that isn't going to happen. So all I can do from my end is try to be the bigger person, clarify some things, and take responsibility for my actions. People who have called me out are 100% right! I did seem to overreact and in some ways I did. But there were also other motives (like I had been thinking about it for awhile). For the record, i don't think any of this justifies anybody hating on anybody else's work, especially when it's just amateur fanfiction for people to enjoy or toss aside. I just don't think that's cool. But I don't really know if this person "hated" on my work or not. I don't think anybody is blameless. This is not me saying "hey this is all my fault everyone come hate on me!" But I understand this was probably upsetting to the other person, so I would rather take the heat than them, because contrary to popular belief I am stable, or at least stabler than they may be at the moment. I don't wish that on anyone. No matter how angry or vengeful I get, at the end of the day I don't. But at a certain point, blame doesn't matter. What matters is keeping everything else calm. Accusations should not be thrown in any direction. This will die down. Absolutely it will. No matter how shitty, it will. I hope things get better for everyone. I hope we can find common ground once again and peacefully coexist. Someday it will happen. For now I truly feel I have done everything I could possibly do to try to rectify this situation. Thank you for all the supporters. I love you all dearly, as I always do. And thank you for the people who have been harsh and given me a slap in the face (ironically that's a very Sophia thing to do, Sophia being an apparently controversial OC of mine). Love, Edye

#academla blogs #misc #fanfic #hate

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alixzin · 8 years ago

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Right you're going to regret unleashing my prompting because I have 31 OF THEM (I'm really very sorry) a whole bunch are cliched but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , as you said. Please tell me to fuck off 1. Meeting the cast, take 2. Does he meet them individually or all together? 2. Alex is being bullied at school. Does he fight back or not? Does he tell Lin and V or try to hide it? 3. Alex struggles to make friends because of his attachment issues. 4. Alex does make friends but worries about telling them who his foster family are. (alternatively he tries to hide the fact that he’s a foster kid at all) 5. Maybe it takes a while for them to find the right therapist? 6. Alex actually IS embarrassed by Lin. 7. Alex struggles to gain weight. 8. Legal drama arises with a past foster parent. Maybe they’re brought up on charges for the sexual abuse? 9. Family vacation. Would a beach bring up bad memories? Would Alex hate flying or be totally glued to the window the entire way over? 10. Alex struggles with casual money use because he’s used to having to scrimp and save. 11. Meeting the grandparents 12. Meeting the cousins/aunts and uncles 13. The press learns the Mirandas have a foster kid. 14. Lin starts getting asked about Alex in interviews and SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN 15. Discussion of the London move (maybe Alex thinks they’re going to leave him behind?) (not sure how foster system works but would they have to jump through lots of legal hoops to be able to take him with them? (Vanessa and her lawyer knowledge) 16. Alex comes to a performance and gets totally star-struck by a VIP (alternatively Lin is totally star-struck by a VIP but has to play it cool because his kid is there) 17. Animal-assisted-therapy (apparently helps a great deal with survivors of sexual assault?) 18. WHITE HOUSE VISIT. 19. Parent-teacher meetings (do you have to do that for the age group you teach lol?) 20. Tony awards/Grammy awards etc. Does Lin mention Alex in his raps/sonnets/teary speeches? If not why? 21. Alex gets twitter or something and posts something he shouldn’t (pic of Seb/script page/private comment) cue angry Lin. 22. Alex has to get an MRI when he gets a proper prescription for his migraine meds. 23. Vanessa and Lin deciding they want to foster 24. Obligatory first meeting with Alex fic 25. Alex learning to trust the Mirandas with regards to touch (maybe like a 5+1 type thing?) 26. Lin introduces Alex to some of his favourite music/movies/books/shows and Alex HATING it. 27. Alex opens up to Lin and V about his past abuse. 28. Taking Tobi for a walk 29. Various occasions- birthdays/holidays and the like 30. Alex starts to gain some independence (getting to school on his own and the like) 31. Awkward Safe Sex talk

all-the-worlds-a-fandom

Prompt responses. Not any stories yet, just bouncing ideas around. I know that I work best when I can discuss my ideas first. Once a lifetime ago (okay, not really but being a teenager feels that way) I wrote a 22 chapter fanfic novel with 2 other authors. The experience was incredible. Pretty much everything I know about writing was learned from that collaboration. Basically, it consisted of writing a small piece, sharing it with the other two and then spending hours discussing it and what comes next via the comment section with these two strangers. Looking back, I can’t even say it was my best work, but it was creativity at its finest.

2. He would hide it. Alex would so hide it! I think how he’d react would be a bizarre contrast between little Alex putting his head down just taking it and overreacting/ lashing out big time. I’m picturing the inside out characters fear and anger (still haven’t seen it) fighting over lead control on this one. I imagine this would just egg the bullies on since not knowing which reaction they were going to get this time would add to the fun of it. I’m not picturing physical bullying, just a constant wave of low level taunts and harassment.

3. Yes! One thing I don’t want to do is go the route, that like everyone has done, where Alex quickly has a close group of friends (Laurens, Mulligan, Lafayette, Schuyler sisters). It’s adorable, but already well explored. I am much more interested in the idea of Alex being very isolated and alone in the world. Like I could see one of the reasons Alex and Lin are so close is because Lin is Alex’s only friend.

I’m very charmed by the idea of Alex becoming friends with Chris Jackson’s son whose a few years younger than Alex and has autism. Lin and Chris are best friends so it makes sense their families would spend a lot of time together. I can picture the two boys hiding in the corner together at a cast party, both overwhelmed by all the people and noise for different reasons. I can see it taking Lin a while to acknowledge that with all of Alex’s combined issues, he’s also a special needs father like Chris, but once he does becoming even closer to his friend from having this is common. Maybe there’s a moment at the party watching the two of them together and coming to this realization. (note though that I would only ever write about their interactions observed from a distance, or mentioned in passing, since writing fanfic about a real life child is so crossing the line) I can also see Lin just aching for Alex to have a friend.

4,6,13,14. It will take him awhile but once he starts forming the beginning seeds of friendship this would be a big issue that derails his attempts. Especially with Lin’s overnight celebrity status that comes from Hamilton. Since Alex coming to them when the show is still in development I can see this becoming a major plotline. Lin starts getting recognized on the streets of NYC all the time when he’s out with Alex and it freaks him out. It becomes a thing that Alex is constantly ducking out of the way for selfies, but people also start taking creepy photos of them from a distance and posting it to the internet. Questions start to arise about who this teen is that looks just like LMM. When asked by fans Lin dismissively says he’s a relative, so initially the thought is that Alex is his nephew, but as Alex starts popping up more and it comes out that he’s living with him the circulating rumor is that Alex might be Lin’s bastard child from a prior relationship (since they look so much alike) and that Lin might have knocked up a gf in college that he recently got custody of. People become extra curious because Lin is always tweeting about his life and sharing photos, but Alex is never directly mentioned which seems suspicious. Lin’s super protective and does not want to let on that Alex is a fosterkid. Any press questions about Alex and the interview would be shut down. He knows the press would have a field day with that story, but at the same time the various circulating rumors start to become very harmful. I also know that in the state of New York it is perfectly legal for paparazzi to take photos of celebrity kids (while it’s illegal in California) which starts to become a problem for Alex. Just to add to the mess, social services starts to question if the Miranda’s are a suitable placement given all of this. Oh boy…

5. Honestly because he’s Hamilton I don’t think he’s ever going to fully open up to a therapist. No matter what they do or which new person they try Alex just keeps on glaring and refusing to talk. Eventually they all realize that it’s currently a waste of time, but since social services is requiring it they keep bringing Alex to his weekly sessions. Maybe after a couple years of this Alex will finally break?

7. Conversation coming back from doctor’s appointment weigh in:

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know that wasn’t nearly enough. I really am trying, I swear. I’ll do better though, promise. I’ll make you proud next time.” Alex is bordering on hysterical, crushed by the look of disappointment on Lin’s face when he saw the numbers on the scale. He hates letting him down.

“Alexander I’m not mad at you, kid.”

“You’re not?”

“No! All this means is we’re stopping for a big serving of ice cream on our way home.”

9. Maybe on a family trip to Puerto Rico? Yeah, I don’t think Alex would do well with the beach, especially in an environment so close to Nevis. I can just see him standing frozen right on the edge of where the ground meets the sand, refusing to take a step further. The whole family is dressed and ready for a fun day on the beach and Alex won’t move. Lin and Vanessa are baffled since the exact details of what happened to him with the hurricane are fuzzy in his report. Alex and the ocean have some major trust issues to work out. If the ocean was a character like in Moana they would need couples counseling. If they stayed in a beachfront resort they’d end up having to switch to a room that *wasn’t* ocean view.

15. This has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I’ve gone as far as to research it a bit and prior court permission is required before even taking a foster kid out of state. Out of the country trips are allowed, but requires a lot of advance planning and paperwork, and an extended time would not be well tolerated. They would probably have to fast track an adoption or legal guardianship (a step between fostering and adoption, I have a friends Mom whose done this with a child of distant Native American decent who could not legally be adopted outside of their tribe) to make it happen. But Alex might not be legally free to be adopted because it can’t be proven that Alex’s dad might not come back into the picture later. Meanwhile they are trying to keep all these legal proceedings a secret from Alex so he doesn’t stress over it, but then Alex reads online that Lin has been cast in Mary Poppins before they get a chance to talk to him about it, and becomes convinced he’s getting left behind. He would probably sit on this for a good week or so before saying anything. Later when it’s looking like it’s not going to go through Lin is ready to turn down the role and Alex feels horrible. This is angst extreme!

18. I just love the image of Alex tagging along shyly behind Lin at the white house. But it’s sure going to take a lot of convincing to get him to come…

19. Yes, I do! I’ve given some thought into the process of Alex needing to be placed on a special plan (like a 504 plan for his panic attacks and migraines since they are affecting his ability to function at school). This is the definition of writing what I know! It can be a tough process and I can see Alex (and initially Lin) being resistant to having any kind of association with special education.

Written weeks ago:

Alex’s mid-term report card leaves him dumbfounded. It’s not even the letter grades themselves, averaging C’s with a splattering of B’s and Ds). It’s the comments that shock him:

“Multiple missing assignments, falling behind, risk of failing, does not complete assignments, frequently misses class, clearly very bright, not living up to potential, work completed brilliant, lazy.”

This is not his Alex. Alex who Lin constantly finds knee deep in schoolwork. Alex who stays up far later than he should reading. Alex who frequently needs to be forced to take a break from his writing. Did they get him mixed up with another Alexander Hamilton?

Some digging reveals that Alex often skips class when feeling especially anxious or having a panic attack or avoiding other students. He hides in the bathroom. He also gets lots of milder headaches which makes it hard to get class assignments done. Also, Alex flat out refuses to participate in group projects.

After talking to all of the teachers a theme emerges: all homework, extended individual assignments and tests Alex excels in. He’s doing horribly in participation points, groups projects and in class assignments. How well he’s doing is proportional to how much weight these items carry in class. Classes where tests and essays make up the bulk of the grade Alex is doing well in. Classes where the opposite is true Alex is bombing.

20. “Sebastian and Alex, Daddy’s bringing you home a Grammy.” That’s all I’ve got so far, and it might be changed, but it’s cute. I think it’s a given that Alex refuses to come to any of the award ceremonies, despite multiple offers.

22 I’ve been throwing this idea around as well (it’s already been eluded to in the stories). When I was Alex’s age I had, like, all of the brain related tests done. I thought the MRI was super cool, but I can see anyone with claustrophobia or trust issues (a cage like thing is placed over your head to keep it still and the machines quite loud) freaking out. EEGs sucked! I had to stay awake for 24 hours with no caffeine beforehand and then they torture you with flashing lights and weird breathing and such. Then my teenage self got all hysterical about all the glue in my hair because I was so exhausted my emotions were all out of whack. I’m already feeling bad for Alex (and Lin) thinking about how I’m going to use this memory to torture him.

24. Since our first discussion I have come up w/ a few ideas that haven’t been done before, but I’m keeping those to myself for now. We’ll see what happens.

New problem: what do I tackle first?

#feedback please!#fosterdadlin #Alex and Lin verse #writing ideas #toomuchfreetime

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darkcrono915-blog · 6 years ago

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Family is everything...that stresses us out!

Does anyone feel like they are their worst selves when they “return home” to visit family for holidays or random times? I wanted to use my vacation time to go to Chicago, or somewhere else but then I had a reality check with my bank account. I decided to come back home because, free lodging with my mom, and now I remember why I barely ever come home. I want to be the “good person with family values” but how can you be that person if you’re family is, well....terrible. Am I a bad person for thinking that? Am I a good person for trying to push through it and try with my family anyway? Am I a bad person for being at the point of giving up after over 30 years of crappy experiences and negativity on their behalf? Am I bad for acknowledging the only reason I keep trying with them is because it’s socially taboo to “give up on your family”? If you are reading this and feel like it, I welcome the comments from strangers below. Or if you have similar stories you’d like to share, it really helps relieve the stress to vent and share yourself with all the random people that exist on the internet that weirdly want to read about your business. Personally, I am writing this post because I don’t feel like there is anyone in my real life that I can share all this with... Do you want to hear the whole story or just what is stressing me out today? How about a little bit of both. I had an verbally abusive father who cheated on my mom, and stole lots of our family’s money and tried to leave us with nothing. He was in my life until my early 20′s, and I never liked him. He treated my mom, my siblings, and I terribly. I tried to let him back in my life once at 22, and it kind of backfired...so I have no relationship with him now, and life is way better. A problem people never tell you about: once you cut one terrible family member out of your life, it’s super tempting to do that with all of them. My sister is mentally challenged, but also a lying deceptive scumbag. It’s honestly hard to tell sometimes if her behavior is being shaped by her mental illness, or her overall bitchiness. As she’s gotten older, her condition has gotten worse. It’s very sad, because there is nothing that anyone can do to help her or fix her. She is just destined to...get worse. It’s really hard on my mom who has gone above and beyond what any other person would do to take care of her, even pushing through the abuse my sister regularly gives her. My brother is an ass hole, with no disabilities. He has no excuse for his behavior and who he is, other then just being a jerk. He has always been a jerk. He used to be a charming jerk with lots of natural talents and success that made people look at him with respect and awe. Through aging, circumstance, and honestly a crappy disposition, nowadays he’s a jerk with less charm and appeal who continues to be a Grade A Douche Bag...the only difference is, now the world isn’t shining on him as much. Sometimes I feel bad for him, sometimes I am glad his life is shitty.

My mom, I have a hard time writing about. On one hand she has been an incredible influence on my life and has been a huge saving factor for me and my siblings on many times. Family is everything to her, except she’s been dealt a really crappy hand. So now she’s constantly turn our shitshow of a family into the makings of a lifetime original movie. It will never work, but she will never stop trying. The problem with my mom is that I have been her therapist since I was ten. She had nobody she could talk to about my abusive father, disabled sister, or douche-bag brother, and so I became the outlet and the “advice giving column”...10 year old me, 15 year old me, 20 year old me, 25 year old me, and 30 year old me is totally over it. I wish I could be there for her, but I resent that she put so much baggage on me as a kid. My biggest problem with my mom is that she doesn’t see the pain that I deal with regularly...which is one of the reasons I am writing this to you all right now, because my mom is among one of the many people I can’t talk about my shit with...even though she is under the impression that we are thick as thieves, because SHE can share with ME everything....all though it is not the same for me.

…So let me take a moment and back up and talk about one of the biggest issues I had growing up in the shitstorm of a family that I have. I was always the “other kid”. My sister was the one with all the problems, my brother was the golden child who made no mistakes, and then there was me...the one that, well...was there? I never was given a voice, I never was seen as an individual. My mom and dad were so wrapped up in how amazing my brother was, that I was just the...unremarkable kid. I didn’t have the athletics, nor did I have the social graces, or the intelligence. I was just...the other. My achievements were never above average, and my pain was never seen as relevant. Then, around the time my brother was in college, his life started to start sucking and he started to be disappointing to my parents (again, another parenting mistake on their part...just cause a kid starts not being successful doesn’t mean you just, get let down by them) Then I started to get noticed by my parents, they were “so proud” of me...but when you’ve been getting the participation award you’re entire life, and you start getting “first place” because, the real first place became a letdown...it doesn’t feel like first place. They even often have eluded to me being their “favorite” which is a bunch of crap because A) Parents shouldn’t have favorites and B) I know damn well I am not you’re favorite! I am just, you’re best option. Even to this day, my mom notices me, until my brother is around and being “good” and then I still fall back into that same old category of being invisible.

Another important side-story to help me express how I am feeling right now: Several years ago I had to leave my job and move back home with my mom. It was a real crisis depression moment for me. I quit a job I loved, because there were some outside factors that just weren’t good, and I came “home” trying to figure life out...was I ever going to be able to do that job again? Was it the circumstance I was in that caused me to leave, or am I really just a big failure? These were questions I was considering...I was going through a lot, and nobody in my family or life really understood it. They just saw me as someone that walked away from their career and was jumping on the fast track to nowhere....Interestingly enough, I dropped from the favorites list of my mom then too, into just being something that disappointed her. This was the start of me acknowledging and dealing with my depression that I have. Sometimes my super low self esteem comes out and runs the show, and I feel like nothing I do matters. (Can you blame me? I grew up in house that told me with their lack of action that NOTHING I DO MATTERS!) While I was back home, I never got any support and help soul searching...Just a lot of the classic parenting attitude of “get back on that horse, and get your life together.” Ok, I did need a lot of that, but I think I would have loved it if my mom listened to me and tried to help me understand what I was going through...or at least tried to be there to struggle with it with me...instead, every moment I was home I was her listening ear to all her legal problems, issues with my brother, and concerns involving my sister...Old habits die hard, or in this case, not at all. I think I hit my all time low when I finally moved out of my mom’s house, got my heart broken, was working the same job I was in high school, and all my attempts to be better or “Make something” of myself were failing...That was the most depressed I have ever gotten, and my mom never saw it as I real thing I was going through....but trust me it was, I have never felt so low.

Flashforward to right now. I am home for the week, hearing about how she has never seen my brother so depressed...how he really needs us...how he needs to be cared for….how none of my problems were ever this bad (literally something she told me!) And meanwhile, he still is the same douche bag that treats her and myself not unlike how my dad used to treat us...he is very verbally abusive to my mom. She LETS him smoke pot every day in the house. Now look, I have nothing against smoking pot...well, I do...I think it’s stupid, but that’s an opinion and I don’t think it should be illegal...but should a mom really be the person who is encouraging this kind of behavior? She puts up with so much of his crap because “He’s going through a hard time” but where was this heart when I was going through a hard time? Oh that’s right...I’ve never been through anything like this before, according to her....So yeah, that’s what I have against my mom, that she doesn’t see me as a person.

All this doesn’t matter when I am back in MY home, hours away from these people...I can just suck it up for Thanksgiving and Christmas (Which are my two least favorite days of the year because I have to be with all of them) but...am I so wrong for hating every moment I am with them?

And you may be thinking, “Dude, you just need to try harder, your family needs you.” You are seeing me at the end of my rope, but I promise in my life I have tried so hard to be there for them. I used to love the idea of a loving close family just like my mom does today. Family holidays used to be my favorite times of the year, because maybe this year we’d be a close normal happy family! I have been there for my sister in so many times where she needed us, maybe would turn her life around, only to find it to be a situation where she was taking advantage of the situation. I have tried for years to have a relationship with my brother...at first I idolized him as any younger brother would (and he was a terrible person back to me) then I blamed my dad for our relationship (Which isn’t 100% wrong, my dad made us compete for his love which is part of our issues towards each other today). So I kept trying, and kept being let down and hurt. Finally after 20 years of trying, I stop trying...and my mom acts like I am the one who is wrong! It should be noted, that my brother never tries.

So I’m looking at this family this week and am 110% done. Is that wrong? Am I a bad person? What would you do? What have you done before in a similar situation? How terrible does your family have to be for you to stay home on the holidays? Every year I think about just not coming to Christmas or Thanksgiving but that seems like the worst thing to do to my mom...but honestly, I hate being around these people so much. They don’t see the real me, and they don’t give me the chance to show them who that person is...and they wouldn’t care even if they saw him.

If you’ve read all this (Good lord, why would you read this!?!) I’d love to hear your thoughts. If I disagree with them, I won’t be mean to you...I just won’t administer whatever suggestions you give. I’d appreciate any wisdom or insight you have. And just for reading this long, first, blog post of mine...I thank you!

#Family #Rants #Stress #Disfunctional #Problems

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cristinajourdanqp · 7 years ago

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I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Looking back, I have always had thyroid issues though I had no idea what that meant in my teens and twenties. It apparently runs in my family, though with rural Alaska medical care in the 70s, you were lucky to have a doctor available, let alone a dentist. Even as I grew older and moved to the city and then to college in Arizona and life in many other places, I was always just not well. Though I managed to live and work and play fairly normally, I would occasionally have days that I could not get out bed, so I attributed it to depression or other more readily identifiable causes like depression.

I eventually married and went through two pregnancies in my early 30s, fairly normal and with healthy babies. After my second child, my mental and physical health really started going downhill, though it wasn’t really visible other than weight gain and some fairly severe post-partum depression. With the benefit of hindsight and research, what was probably mild Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis in my youth turned into full-blown Hashimoto’s after the stress of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing and raising two small children.

I was officially diagnosed in 2006 with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis after a therapist I was seeing for depression thought to order some tests. My levels weren’t that high, and I don’t even remember what the endocrinologist said to do about it, just that I had it and it had to do with my thyroid, and that someday my thyroid would fail and I’d be put on medication. He advised eating better and exercising, but with no specific plan. Ok. I just went about my life in the usual way, raising two small kids and easing my way back into the working world while doing all of the usual life things of home maintenance, the kids’ sports and school schedules, marriage, work and other family obligations. The Internet wasn’t that prevalent then, and I just accepted my diagnosis and prognosis and went about my life the best I could.

The years went by and I gained more and more weight. I would “diet” occasionally, have a little bit of success, then fall right off the wagon. I’d tried all of the fad diets, Weight Watchers, etc., and even went sugar-free and even gluten-free a few times in the past with great results, but again, fell off the diet wagon every time. I had been active most of my life with running, college intramural sports, tennis, hiking, long-distance biking, canoeing, camping—nothing ever really stopped me from being active, even being overweight or tired through most of it. I even put myself through almost three P-90X workouts in a row (shoutout to Mark Sisson for his episode – little did I know he’d be so instrumental to my life later….). My weight didn’t budge, though I got some nice muscle under my chub. I thought I was eating fairly well at that time, too, low fat, whole grains—the usual “good diet.” At the beginning of the third cycle of hard-core exercise, plus moving some furniture, I herniated a disc in my back and that put an end to P90X and extreme exercise.

In the meantime, I was getting sicker and I didn’t understand why. I was 50 pounds heavier than my normal pre-pregnancy weight. I was depressed, moody, lethargic, overweight, exhausted, and I always felt like I should just try harder to find the right medication to take care of it, or cut out the fats, or just exercise more. It seemed like each day was a monumental effort to get through, and I know I missed out on a lot of activities with my kids when they were little.

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, but I didn’t know that at the time so I went on multiple and many medications over the years, thinking that nothing was working for me and this is how it was and would be for me forever.

Migraines and headaches. This entailed emergency room visits and even a brain MRI. I went to a neurologist and was put on a migraine medication that ultimately gave me kidney stones, two of which had to be surgically removed. The medication didn’t help at all so I eventually gave up on it and since then, no more kidney stones! An expensive experiment. Now, if I have a gluten exposure—instant migraine and the root cause of them.

GERD, bile disorder and esophagitis. I was put on a medication and at my first out-of-pocket charge of $400 for the med, I decided I’d go with the heartburn instead. I’d had bloating and discomfort for years, and did the usual OTC meds for that. An EGD thankfully showed no celiac disease but did show chronic inflammation.

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

In August 2013, after my last visit to the endocrinologist who had “managed” my Hashimoto’s for seven years, I finally hit the wall with my frustration over not being able to control my own body. I had had my first full-blown panic attack around this time as well. My medical record states the doctor actually thought it “was unlikely patient has significant thyroid disorder.” My TPOAb (Hashimoto’s marker) was 629.5 IU/ml (normal is to just eat right and exercise more and wait until my thyroid failed and then be put on medication. I even begged to be put on Armour NDT or something to just try it, even though my TSH was normal. He refused. I fired him and, at the end of my rope, finally got on the internet where I found the book I felt saved my life, “Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis: Lifestyle Interventions for Finding and Treating the The Root Cause” by Dr. Izabella Wentz, which had just been published. Finally, someone who had suffered like me!

I jumped right in to the Hashimoto’s protocol—which is basically Primal, and though it was a super hard transition off the SAD and meds, I lost 20 pounds in the first 21 days and over the next three months, lost 25 more, and never looked back. I gave up gluten, grains, started eating way more fat and vegetables, minimal fruits, got off all of my medications and resolved almost all of my health problems, in particular the depression—it’s amazing to live without it! Without reading The Primal Blueprint (until a bit later), my diet and lifestyle had evolved to fit the model of ancestral health naturally.

During the initial transition, I had gathered all of my medical records, made a summary of them chronologically, made a spreadsheet of my labs and discovered by myself that while I have always had “normal” TSH levels, I don’t convert T4 into the more usable T3, and my symptoms fit that profile. I found a holistic leaning CNP that agreed with my diagnosis and was willing to prescribe the proper NDT medication to address this and literally 20 minutes after taking the first dose, my anxiety, which had reached panic attack levels, disappeared. I now know that when my anxiety creeps up, it’s time for a thyroid medication adjustment.

I eventually read Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution, which is a great resource for thyroid sufferers and explained a lot of what I was going through. I do still have the occasional Hashimoto’s flare days, when I simply cannot get out of bed, but it’s down to 1-2 times a year—and usually after I’ve let non-Primal foods into my diet. A far cry from being how I lived my life on a daily basis. It took ten years from diagnosis and many endocrinologists, naturopaths, nurses and internists later, but I finally have found an integrative medical doctor who helps me with the right medical care for Hashimoto’s. I was gratified at our first intake appointment that she did not change one thing about my diet which was already Primal! She commented on my robust health and I was never more proud of myself for getting myself from my sickest days to the point of actual robust health!

Today, after my all time high of 213 lbs, I keep my body at a comfortable 165 lbs (I’m 5’5” and age 49). My Hashimoto’s is stable and after initially cutting my levels in half by eating primally, I go a bit up and down and now rely on my physical and mental states to determine how well I’m controlling it through my food plan. I don’t have a CrossFit-type body, but I do have a body that takes me through my days without pain or suffering, as long as I stick to the Primal way. I no longer have depression, anxiety, GERD, acne, my hair grew back, I sleep like a champ and my brain fog is better but not all gone—hey, I’ll be 50 this year, what can I say! My weight, despite four back surgeries for disc herniations, a labral tear repair in my hip, a broken ankle and a shoulder surgery (the osteoarthritis still rears its ugly head), has remained stable at 165 lbs since 2013. Even when I am unable to exercise, I maintain my weight, mood and general good health simply by eating and living Primally. Today, I enjoy riding my bike, walking my dogs, working out at my property mowing grass, hauling logs and brush and doing simple Primal workouts in my basement. I have a goal of someday being super muscle-y but since I feel so much better than I did before, I’m ok with my body now. My clothes always fit and I can live and do what I want to physically, and that’s more than enough for me.

My children are now 19 and 16, growing up and moving on with their lives, and with extra time on my hands I started looking into being a health coach. I’d followed many “diets” related to primally eating—mostly the Hashimoto’s Protocol, the Bulletproof Diet, the Whole30 plan, the Auto Immune Protocol plan and Paleo among others—but truly, the lifestyle I developed and live dovetails totally with the Primal Blueprint—I was living it before I really even knew about it! My heritage is Inuit/Alaskan Eskimo so it makes complete sense now that I live best on fats, meats and vegetables and berries! I know this lifestyle works for me and am excited to share it with others like me, who have suffered needlessly with auto-immune disorders that aren’t treated properly. I know you can take your health into your own hands and live the way nature intended – PRIMALLY! I recently became certified as Primal Health Coach and am living proof that good health can be had with minimal effort and suffering and I’m excited to begin my journey of helping others to robust health!

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

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milenasanchezmk · 7 years ago

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I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

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watsonrodriquezie · 7 years ago

Text

I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

0 notes

mightbedamian · 8 years ago

Text

#TMIishTuesday #55 - Have you always been that thin? - Growing up thin (and small)

Hey! No announcements today. Just have fun reading! Oh, maybe one thing: I stole the first part of the title from a video. More on that later. Hey there mighty people of the internet! And welcome to issue #55 of #TMIishTuesday - my weekly Tumblr post about what goes through my weird mind and on what you guys want to know more about. It can be something very personal, it can be something political, it can be completely pointless - but in 99.9 % of the cases, it involves opinions. And mine as well. // Last week I told you about the shitty situation that YouTube have created with their restricted mode: Why it has good intentions - and what goes wrong with it. Check it out, if you haven't already. And if you are interested in the topic, here's a great video by @ashhardell. // I talked about body image and what society makes us believe in that regard in a #TMIishTuesday last November and briefly addressed my own situation: Being really thin - and rather small as a child. I'm not too small anymore, but I still am really underweight. Inspired by the DASDING video linked in the foreword, I want to talk a bit about how I experienced the whole situation. What happened at school and basically everywhere I went as a child. I feel that the things I experienced were not as bad as the ones mentioned in the video. Still: It hurt when people questioned the same things every time. The first time I met new people (I should say guys cause girls didn't care for the most part), it always went a little bit like this: "Hi, my name is Damian." - "Oh, [insert comment about my stature]". I don't remember kindergarten too much, so I assume the other kids were fine with my stature then - or at least it didn't bother them enough to make fun of it. But when I got to primary school, things started. Slowly, but steadily. I knew some of the kids from kindergarten still, but there were lots of new people as well. And they started asking me how I could be so thin? Questions like: "How do you even survive then?" started. And I forgive them: When you're 6, 7 years old, you're just curious. And you're straightforward enough to ask such questions. I was the smallest child in the entire class - even if I was a year older. And height was all that mattered to define who was cool and who was not. Still, I made it through primary school with only one situation that really stuck to my mind. But compared to what was to follow, it really wasn't that dramatic. And if I recall correctly, it wasn't even about my stature, but rather about wearing the "right" underwear. Yepp, children can be very picky. Then came secondary school - and the drama really started. I knew about three people of my class and everyone else were new faces. 27 potential new bullies. And pretty much all of the guys came for me. They picked on me for being small. They picked on me for being thin. They told me I was anorexic (which I never was, luckily!). They told me my parents didn't care for me. They tried to convince me to stop living vegetarian (cause that's where being so thin came from according to them). They tried to make me do more sports. I had a few hard years to go through, being call names for being so thin. The guys wanting to touch my belly cause it was so skinny. Being lifted off the floor. And so on and so on. (I started writing this pretty late, so this is all for the list, but it could get much longer for sure!) Well, guess what? I only grew stronger from that. Not physically, but mentally. And I learned how to take the underlying ridicule: Just ignore it. And if it gets too much, tell them off and show your teeth! It worked. In tenth grade we had a class trip to Berlin. We only were only 11 guys in class, so we walked around Berlin in that group of 11 (for once it was one group, not the seven or eight "cool guys", the two outsiders, and me). And we decided we wanted to have dinner at the Mac. Like you do when you’re 16. And on the way, everyone was trying to convince me to stop being vegetarian and finally taste a burger. But I insisted I wasn't going to do it. They even told me they would pay for it. After a 10-15 minute discussion my patience was gone - and I told them in a very decisive tone that it was not gonna happen. I would not taste a burger - even if they tried to convince me for another 100 years. And guess what? It didn't happen. I had my fries and was fine. They all got their burgers and were also fine. There were some attempts to still make me try a bite, but I sticked to my opinion. After tenth grade, as puberty was taking a turn for the more reasonable and more accepting, we got a new class and things got better. I still was the skinniest guy of them all. But at least we had another guy in class, who was skinny as well. Granted, he wasn't the most accepted, but it worked for him. And it kinda worked for me as well. From then onwards, my stature didn't matter anymore at all! I’ve met a lot of new people in the meantime. Uni, another uni, work, school, another work. Life's fine. I'm still a veggie, I still have the BMI of a feather, and I still don't care too much what people say about my body. Yeeey! Btw, my two best friends became veggie, too. Independent of each other. I feel I should take credit for that - even though I never tell people how to live their lives. If you want to eat meat - fine. If you want to color your hair (who would do that right? Haha :) ) - do it! If you finally got the guts to get an appointment at the therapist to get that testosterone subscription - go, boy! Whatever you do - do it with passion! Be who you are and be proud of it. Or to quote Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong: "Don't let these bastards dictate your life and try to tell you what to do, alright!?" (quote from the performance of the song Minority at a Milton Keynes concert in June 2005) Before I go let me know whether you are satisfied with your stature and what people tell you about it. Tell me, I wanna know! Place a comment, tweet me, dm me, or do anything else you can think of to get to me. Queer Shoutout you say? How about Sam Collins then? I know, I listed pretty much all of the LGBTQ+ creators I'm subscribed to on YouTube just last week, but let me shout him out individually cause he deserves it. I discovered Sam by someone retweeting his "I'm FTM transgender" video. It's basically his coming out video. He also explains how he found out that he is a guy, although he was born as a girl. He talks about how he lived before and after he found out. After the video, he kinda changed his channel and incorporated videos on trans issues. And they are actually that good that I think, they deserve more attention. Whether you yourself are transgender or not - watching them will definitely educate you. He covered topics like top surgery, transitioning and passing tips, signs you might be transgender, dating tips, and much more. And I feel he's very open about everything. Oh, and there are lots of topics not related to trans stuff, too. Go, check him out! As always: Next #TMIishTuesday next Tuesday. If you have any questions in the meantime, just ask away. Whatever you’re curious about - I don’t bite. :) Until then: Stay mighty! Linkage: - DASDING: Ja, wir sind dünn - Komm bitte damit klar!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpaWYLSrjs8 - #TMIishTuesday #53 - I dyed my hair: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/158402870513/tmiishtuesday-53-i-dyed-my-hair - Queer Shoutout: Sam Collins: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCySTKqYThqBbKdEtzOjFhgg - Sam Collins - I’m FtM Transgender: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O68dTOfdeVw

Oh, and here’s some self-promo: - Last #TMIishTuesday: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/158675683464/tmiishtuesday-54-youtube-stop-censoring-us - All #TMIishTuesdays: mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/tmi - More #TMIishTuesdays on society topics: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/language - More very cool stuff: www.twitter.com/mightbedamian - Even more very cool stuff: mightbedamian.tumblr.com

#tmi #language #me

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

Text

I Bump Into My Neighbor Every Time I Get The Mail, Then I Realized That Im Falling For Him

Here at LittleThings, we know that life doesn’t always move in a straight line.

That’s why we created the Ask Becca advice column to discuss all the big and little problems that we encounter every day.

If you have a question or concern of your own, you can send it on to [email protected]!

Each week, I comb through tons of responses from readers across the internet to bring you a column that resonates with our whole audience.

Last week, I covered a MIL with boundary issues, a crisis of confidence,a layabout boyfriend, and a less-than-faithful husband.

This week, I’ll be tackling a whole new set of questions, including a secret crush, sex after trauma, a friendship that’s turning into something more, and a full-speed-ahead new romance. Scroll through below for my very best advice!

If you have words of wisdom of your own, please add them in the comments to continue the conversation! And make sure to send any questions you have to [email protected]!

Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons/ Wikimedia Commons

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Crushing On A Stranger

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hi Becca,

Im 58 years old and have a crush.

His P.O. box is right beside mine and we always bump into each other.

I want to say hello and get to know him, but I dont know how at this age. I feel ridiculous.

Any advice?

-Smitten

Dear Smitten,

I would start with “hello”!

It can bebeyond intimidating to introduce yourself to a new person, especially if you have been single for awhile, so it’s best to just leap in without taking too much time to think. Jump into the deep end and be the first one to talk.

Next time you run into each other in the mail room, make like the charming and confident person you are! Say, “Hi, I see you around all the time, we must be neighbors! I’m [name].”

From there, you have a sturdy foundation for building up a connection every time you bump into one another. One week, you’re cracking jokes about junk mail; the next. you’re making plans to grab coffee.

Besides, it’s easy to nurse an unrequited crush from afar actually meeting the object of your affection is the only way to find out whether you actually like the real person.

Take a chance on yourmail room mystery man!

Best of luck and happy flirting,

Becca

Stressed About Sex

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

I have a problem with my sex life. My boyfriend and I are OK romantically.

But almost everytime I have sex, I bleed just a little. I feel so much shame and guilt about it, because I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

I have this instinct to freak out when I do bleed. This is making my boyfriend question if we should have sex anytime soon.

I really want to have sex again, but I wish I didn’t freak out about the blood. My abuser made me ashamed of bleeding as a child when he was abusing me.

I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I are good, we probably just have to start over.

He and I see the same therapist, and I did talk to him about it. He only told me that I must tense up my muscles during sex. My therapist suggested going back to woman’s physical therapy.

I’m a complete mess; I feel so guilty. It’s not that my boyfriend makes me feel guilty about it. I need to find ways to not freak out. Help!!!

-Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Let me start by saying that you are a brave, strong individual.

Abusers of any kind are despicable people who often seek to isolate and alienate their targets. You should feel tremendously proud that you have actively pursued self-care by finding a therapist and are confronting past traumas. Your health and healing are more important than anything else.

If you feel ready to be sexually active with your boyfriend, go for it! Just keep your own happiness and health at the forefront of the experience.

I don’t think you need to “start over” with your guy; I think you just need to make sure you both always take the time you need when things get heated.

Bleeding during sex is very, very common, especially if the woman is rushed. If you aren’t “ready,” penetration can cause micro-tears in your skin, and lead to bleeding. In your case, this is doubly upsetting because of the abuse you experienced and the guilt and shame that your abuser made you feel.

I agree with your therapist that women’s physical therapy might help, but I would also advise that you change the way you approach sex.

Try adding more foreplay to your routine, and make it more intimate: think lots of kissing and caressing. Be patient with yourself and ask your boyfriend to be patient too; don’t let him rush you.

I would also advise you to keep a lubricant on hand to help smooth things along. Lubricant can make sex more pleasurable, and has the added benefit of helping to prevent bleeding.

Most important of all, remind yourself that you havenothingto feel guilty about. You had a traumaticearly sexual experience, and you deserve all the time and patience in the world to heal and replace those memories with positive sexual experiences. Never forget, you’re worth waiting for!

With love and compassion,

Becca

More Than Friends?

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

So I have a question. I have a very close male friend that I adore with all my heart. We have been in each other’s lives since we were in elementary school and reconnected after high school.

Well, we have had an on-again, off-again relationship for sevenyears or so, but have never actually dated. It’s more sexual than anything.

Then, this weekend he took me out for an actual date.

He is worried if we date and it doesn’t work out, we won’t stay friends. I never want to lose him.

How can I assure him that I truly love him and that no matter what happens, he will always have me in his life? Also, how can I deal with a relationship where we don’t always see each other or talk?

I’m not sure what he wants and I’m scared to push the subject ’cause I don’t want topush him away. It would hurt something fierce.

-Anonymous

Dear Anon,

There’s nothing like the swirl of confused emotions when a friend turns into… something more. It’s a roller coaster, huh?

In your case, it sounds like you have a really strong friendship with this guy. Meanwhile, the romance and “friends with benefits” side of things is a little bit more up-and-down.

If I were you, I would take a step back and put thephysical relationship on pause for a moment. I agree with you: I don’t think that your friend has any idea what he wants.

At a guess, it sounds like hethinkshe has bigger feelings for you, but isn’t sure yet. He wants to keep having a physical relationship while he decides, then have the option to have an exit plan if it doesn’t work out.

It’s OK that he’s confused, but you don’t need to get pulled along in his wake while he decides how he feels. Take a minute and think about howyou feel. Do you want a romantic relationship, or are you happier as just friends?

If you decide you do want to try dating, tell him that you want to stop your physical relationship for a moment, and start going on real dates. Treat him just like any new guy you just started seeing. It will be easier to evaluate your real feelings for each other if you aren’t jumping right back into a comfortable friends-with-benefits routine.

Also, if you do want a relationship, he has to be willing to really be there. A real relationship means seeing each other and talking regularly. He can’t just disappear on you.

If he’s not willing to make that commitment, you might save yourself a lot of heartache by ending the physical side of things and just staying platonic friends.

Best of luck!

Becca

Head Over Heels

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hello,

I’m in a pickle. I married a man at the age of 23; I am now 30. We met, dated, got engaged, married, and separated in a span of about 18 months. We finalized the divorce five years later.

Idid date during our five-year separation, but there was no one too serious.

Now, I’ve met a new guy. Such a gentleman, and I’m beginning to feel like I did when I met my ex-husband. I felt it was right and I could see myself with him forever. That obviously didn’t happen.

Now, with the new guy I feel the same way. I don’t know if I can bring myself to slow it down or just go with the flow.

We have only been serious for a month or so, but our conversations and actions feel as if we’ve known each other our whole lives.

Please help me!!! I need your advice.

With Best Regards,

-HopelessinLove

Dear Hopeless,

Deep down, I think you already know the right course of action here.

You’re clearly a smart cookie, and you’ve identified your own romance pattern: You rush into an exciting new relationship, fall head-over-heels, and then abruptly fall back to earth.

You write that your previous marriage essentially began and ended with 18 months. Knowing that piece of your history, I would tread lightly with your new guy.

Maybe heis your soul mate. The nice thing about true love? You don’t have to rush it.

If this guy is the real deal, you can take your time to slowly get to know each other before getting seriously committed. After all, lasting love is a marathon, not a sprint.

Here’s what I would propose: Don’t rush intimacy, don’t jump the gun on saying “I love you,” and don’t move in togetheruntil you’re sure there’s a future.

Most importantly, date at least 18 months before you talk about getting engaged.

That was the incubation period of your last relationship, so it should also be enough time to know if your new boyfriend is a likely candidate for your happily-ever-after.

Wishing you every happiness on the scenic route!

Becca

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

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