#(my other brother who's trans changed his name once. like 6 years ago. to a name that's not too far from his deadname.)

[inmarbleimmobility]

NO WAIT I ALMOST FORGOT on the way home from the les!!! mis movie the other night my mom was like "yeah i wanted to name your brother marius but your dad wouldn't let me" HUH????? how am i just hearing this for the first time in TWENTY FOUR YEARS!!!!

[writhingcreature]

Character ask game, sweet pea!

Sorry this took me so long I got emotionally wiped out from the one I did for Bobby and the reactions I got from it and was hesitant to do more. I had to for my main baby though so here is this, based off of this post

1. Favorite thing about them

Okay I have to say, his willingness to get fucking GOING is my single most favorite thing about this boy. Like Jughead may be able to stop him, but that's only because he lowkey is in love with Jughead. You can't convince me otherwise. This boy will bulldoze anyone else, and even goes toe to toe with Archie without hesitation. The best part is: he's so ready to fight not because he's proud or arrogant or any of those usual "hot headed teenage boy" traits but because he's protective of his friends and family. His people. Because he refuses to be walked on anymore, or let anyone he cares about be walked on. He makes me feel so safe ugh.

2. Least favorite thing about them

How stubborn he is. I will never say he's a proud person, but he does have a pride streak and I think it really hurts him when he needs to admit he's wrong. He's just very slow to change his mind once he makes up his mind, and while it's probably a defensive thing when it comes to Northsiders and one that has been proven to be necessary several times, it always breaks my heart when he makes fun of Betty or talks about flaying Archie or smirks as Jughead squirms or Veronica blows a gasket. Sometimes it's kind of funny but most of the time I wish he could just get along with people and make friends lmao

3. Favorite line

“You think you can come to my house, stick a gun in my face, in front of my boys, and there wouldn’t be any payback?” This line is everything actually and it is NOT talked about enough oh my god fuuuuuuck season 2 canon Archie. Smh. I felt this on such a deep level

4. BroTP

I know everyone ships Swangs and I love it too, but I honestly much prefer them as a brother dynamic. I'm a sucker for childhood friends to lovers and ship Sweetpea with happiness as much as the next person but I just really love these two as a sibling dyanmic duo. I have an oc named Talon who's Fangs' older brother and I have a LOT of hc's about how Talon has just. Adopted Sweetpea and how they talk about everything... god yeah I love them.

5. NoTP

Toni and Sweetpea. I don't know if this is one of those popular rarepairs or not but Toni needs herself a girlfriend. Like yes she's bi but also Sweetpea with a boyfriend makes my heart swell and Toni's stated she prefers girls, so I just prefer ships that include mlm rep for Sweets and Toni with a gf. I don't hate the ship it's just not my cup of tea

6. OTP

Okay at this point I think it's pretty clear that I'm a multishipper because I just want my kiddos to be happy lmao but here goes. When it comes to ULTIMATE loves, Jugpea hands down. I am also a mess for Reggie/Jughead/Sweetpea. Oh my god I am obsessed with them. I ship Sweetpea with just about anyone as long as it's done correctly (catch me reading Swarchie and Swosie despite hating those ships a month ago lmao) but these are my main and the ones I obsess over while watching the show.

7. Unpopular opinion

Huh I don't know. I guess I think that Archie is more scary and unhinged than Sweetpea is which I think might not be a popular take. I feel like any other hc I have most Sweetpea fans would agree with so I'll just leave that there.

8. Random headcanon

Sweetpea gives me middle child energy no I cannot explain this it will take two million years to get through all of it I will say I think he has two older sisters and also a younger one. Yes they're all girls, yes one is trans, yes I have names and hc's for all of them and they're all oc's because I am obsessed with the Serpents' families. Sweetpea's older sisters are about a year or two of a gap, but his youngest sister is like five when he's sixteen and you can't convince me otherwise. He babysits her constantly and they are best friends. He will literally ask to babysit her and send his mom to go have a day off from responsibilities. She literally just gets Pop and reads in a booth because there is nothing she wants to do badly enough to keep herself busy every time he wants to babysit his little girl lmao. He is a MUSHBALL with her and anyone who watches them interact is in actual tears. She steals his phone constantly and takes pictures and videos on it and sends them to Toni and Fangs who are in tears over how adorable is. Jughead hangs out once when Sweets is babysitting and never looks at Sweetpea the same after. This man is a PUDDLE for this little girl that is all.

9. Song I associate them with

I have a whole playlist hold on time to shuffle again LMAO: "

10. Favorite picture of them

These are both technically Jordan but like. Listen I am obsessed with the non gelled hair look and I can’t find a good one in character so you get these instead because I am OBSESSED with these imagine lmao.

[mercuryislove]

Don’t hate me but… I kinda want you to answer all of the deep dive WIP asks 🥺 if that’s unreasonable tho, just 2, 9, and 10 please!

I am SORRY for the delay!!! i answered every question for BOTH projects so you're in for like.... several thousand words of shit that makes absolutely no sense, but i hope you you enjoy it! :)

1. Who are two characters that don't like each other? What do they reveal about each other to the readers? Will they ever learn to put aside their differences?

White Crane: okay this is hard because like. so many people do not like each other. (I know I made a post once about how terrible it would be to be one of twenty-eight people that have the power of dead gods but are trapped in stupid human bodies and you're all a thousand years old and hate each other so so so so so much because you all SUCK.) But for the sake of simplicity, I will talk about Ciaran and Sihla who never got along but only played nice to keep Anwei happy. They absolutely do NOT put aside their differences lmao once everything kind of, um, blows up between the three of them, all they want to do is KILL each other. She makes it her life's goal to make him suffer, and he basically loses his sanity in the process of trying to find a way to kill her for good. The beef is unbelievable. ANYWAY, what they reveal about each other is that Ciaran is not nearly as innocent in anything as he likes to pretend and Sihla is not as guilty as everyone says she is. I mean, she is still a terrible person in many ways, but that does not excuse the things he did to her all those years ago. She hates him for many, many good reasons.

Old Blood: Andhira HATES the entire Ekion family, but specifically the oldest son (who does not have an official name yet.... oops). He doesn't much care for her either but is usually too busy trying to better his social standing to worry too much about her. Except when they're in the same room together (which happens semi-regularly because her brother is kind of in love with him lmao). They hate each other for the exact same reason and it's that they're both SO arrogant. They look down on everyone around them (which in Andhira's case is like. fair. She's the firstborn of the two most powerful people on the planet, and the only person that comes close to that level of power is her twin brother who was born a mere fourteen minutes after her) but think the other is completely unjustified in their actions. Really all it reveals to a reader is that they both kind of suck and need to get over themselves because all that behavior does is make people resent you. They only put aside their differences because she does kind of need his help once or twice, but they would gladly spit in each other's face and/or push each other down a flight of stairs in the name of pettiness.

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2. What do you hope your readers will take away from your wip? Is there an intentional theme to the story?

These can be answered together! I started writing these stories because I wanted to have fun but they've both kind of morphed into a long-winded way of saying that like. it's okay to be messed up and hate yourself and have major internal struggles because there are people who still love you. I KNOW it doesn't sound like that from uhhhhhh literally everything I've ever said about this stuff but bear with me. The BIG theme is that love is EVERYTHING. All kinds of love. It's the reason to keep on going. You are never alone, even strangers can love you in their own way, etc etc etc etc. Also gay love fucking prevails always and forever.

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3. What do you love most about your protagonist?

Yixing is funny and weird and definitely a horse girl and he kind of sucks sometimes because he's stubborn as hell and has terrible people skills and maybe also a drinking problem, but he is kind and empathetic and despite the absolute hell he's lived through, he still sees the good in people and knows that it's easy to make mistakes and that most people deserve second chances in life. Also I like him because he is without a doubt the ideal man and I made him that way on purpose. And god I wish we could drink together. I'm talking stumbling drunk, crying on the bathroom floor, please-hold-my-hair-i'm-about-to-throw-up kind of drinking. We would have a great time being stupid together I think.

Vera is resilient and mean and stubborn and cold and off-putting and hard to get to know, and she sucks for those reasons but it's also why I love her so much. She has also lived through hell and it didn't make her try to see the good in people like Yixing does. It just made her bitter and resentful. She warms up over time, but she fights tooth and nail against it. I also love her so much because she is the archetype of like. the washed up former prodigy that has to return sort of against her will to her old life, and she realizes that she misses it in some ways but also remembers exactly why she left. I would Not want to drink with her (because she doesn't drink anymore), but I would love to take one of her art classes.

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4. Is there anything in the story that is implied but not directly stated? Will this become more relevant later on? How perceptive would a reader have to be to pick up on this?

White Crane: This is hard because I'm so invested in my own shit that it feels obvious to me, but I try to lay out a little candy trail that tells the reader that Ciaran and Anwei are Not What They Seem right from the start. It’s hard to explain without specific examples but it’s in the way they talk, they way they interact with other people, the way certain things they say don’t line up, etc etc etc. And there is a Big Hint of what will happen to Ciaran in the second and third installment, but idk if that counts. Also there are definitely implications that Yixing is trans but that's neither here nor there (honestly I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not he should be explicitly trans or if it should be left to reader interpretation because well... I don’t know if I'm capable of writing the nuance of transness because I'm not trans despite my complex and confusing relationship with gender but I'm also not a thirty-something year old Asian man NOR am I a god NOR am I a former vampire hunter NOR am I like. any of the things I write about other than a mean lesbian so. who knows?)

Old Blood: TRUE FANS already know this one, but regular degular readers that haven't participated in funny question friday or read my random late night posting would not immediately know that Josef and the Sovereign were once involved. Basically the only characters in the story that know are Josef, Luka, the Sovereign himself, and Tahire. But there are definitely some hints peppered throughout conversations and perhaps some photos and trinkets that Josef has kept after all this time... It has like no weight on the events of the story but I just think it's fun. Once again I am way too invested to know if it's easy to pick up on or not but I think it takes some theorizing about maybe? Other than that there aren’t any significant secrets.

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5. Which character has the most intricate backstory? Is this backstory common knowledge from the start, or is it revealed later on? How does the backstory affect the narrative?

White Crane: this is unfair because some of the characters are almost a thousand years old and some of them are like. 35. I DO have a full timeline written out of the thousand years of history that Ciaran and Anwei have lived through, if that counts as an answer. Like it doesn't have every single day and year, but it has all the big events for sure. Barring that, Yixing definitely has a pretty complex backstory. The man gets around lol and I try (and maybe fail?) to make him seem not too complex initially but then things get revealed and you learn more about him and are like “oh my god no wonder this man has Problems.” Also if he was like. “normal” and perhaps “well-adjusted” the story would not exist at all because he is the way he is and makes some of the stupid decisions he does because of his weird little life.

Old Blood: ONCE AGAIN, this is unfair because the Sovereign is like older than god. And Vera is 37. But like. I haven't fleshed him or any of the old ass vampires out nearly as much as Vera so there's your answer I guess? And I guess the important things are known from the start (that she was a prodigy, that she retired because terrible shit happened and she couldn't handle it, that she suffers from significant ptsd because of it, etc), but there is a lot of detail that doesn't come out until much later when she has to confront her Feelings (ewww feelings). Uh... the backstory affects the narrative because it wouldn't exist at all if Vera wasn't plagued by her fucked up blood nightmares lol

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6. Which two characters have the most complicated relationship? How does their relationship develop over time?

White Crane: Ciaran and Anwei totally. They love each other because they're brother and sister and were all the other had for a VERY long time (and even when they were still uh mortal, they relied on each other constantly), but also they hate each other because they're brother and sister. You know how it is with siblings. I love my brother and sister to pieces but I can't imagine being immortal and having to put up with the both of them for all eternity (sorry guys if you are reading this somehow.... I love you but we are all so annoying god bless). They handled their newfound godhood very, very, very differently and it kind of colors their relationship for the rest of time. There were times where they were extremely codependent and other times where they didn't speak to each other for DECADES. At the start of our story, they're on much better terms and have buried all their hatchets, but it doesn't take much for that to change....

Old Blood: Probably Vera and Andhira? They're only brought together because of their shared fucked up blood nightmares, and neither of them like that thought. They both resent the other for everything they are, and Vera is pretty much completely hostile to Andhira about it for a long time (and Andhira is only just barely cordial lol), but obviously a significant part of the plot revolves around them like. falling in love so they DO get over it after a while :)

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7. What is the most heart-wrenching scene in your wip? Why?

White Crane: When Yixing fucking DIES. I feel like this one should be self-explanatory. But I mean if you would like further explanation, it's unpleasant and slow and agonizing and nobody can do anything to stop it (haha....... unless?) so Ciaran gets to hold him for a long time and feel really bad about it lol

Old Blood: idk if there are any really heart-wrenching scenes but there are definitely some miserable and uncomfortable scenes like where Vera relives in vivid detail the days that she witnessed the gruesome deaths of her young apprentice and her last lover. They're upsetting because those are the two days that basically ruined her life (and one was the final straw that sent her spiraling completely out of control) and it's painful to watch her have to live with the guilt of what happened even if it wasn't her fault.

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8. What is a song that you associate with your wip? Explain.

White Crane: not to be basic but absolutely without a doubt in my stupid mind “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears lol it's because uh. well. Everybody wants to rule the world right? Basically way back in 2019 when I was crafting the ideas for the dnd campaign that became this thing instead, I was definitely having a metal gear moment (honestly I’m about to have a metal gear moment NOW lol) and was listening to a lot of like. mgs adjacent music and latched onto this song (and also promises, promises by naked eyes lmao) as some like thematic element. Like my brain making amvs. You know how it is. ANYWAY the point is. The concept was originally way different and was supposed to be more about the immediate aftermath of the so-called end of the world (yes Yixing was still there and yes he was still just some guy), and it focused a lot more on power struggles between all of these insane people that were granted godhood in the wake of the dying world. Which........ is something I'd like to write about at some point because it's intriguing in its own way but at the time I was unequipped to write about that when I really just wanted to write about people who are, for all intents and purposes, quite average getting caught up in the batshit drama of higher powers. (fun fact: Ciaran was supposed to be a tyrant king that ran a death cult and Anwei and Yixing were working together to figure out a way to kill him. Which is. Kind of what my dnd campaign is like now lol BASICALLY he's like if Big Boss was unkillable and could also rip souls out of people's bodies and eat them. I absolutely do not remember what this question originally was. Something about a song?)

Old Blood: THIS is the reason it took me so long to answer this whole thing. I thought long and hard and looked through all my playlists and listened to random songs that came to mind but it turns out the song I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time. DUH. It's “Golden Light” by Twin Shadow :) In my humble homo interpretation, I think it's a song about being afraid to fall in love and. Well. That's the whole point. Also #spoilers but the first time Vera sees Andhira and is like “oops I think I have feelings” is when they've just arrived at Andhira's home and the sun is rising and she looks over at her as they stand at the top of a hill and she has her eyes closed to the sun and she's bathed in golden light and OOUGGGGHGHHH poetic cinema. (honorable mention goes to “Groove is in the Heart” by Deee-lite because it’s quintessential early 90s music that Vera would be super into)

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9. What does your protagonist want most? What would they do to achieve this? What is something they wouldn't do to achieve this?

White Crane: Yixing wants to be happy for once. Like actually really happy instead of just. getting by. There's a scene where they're making wishes for the next seasons during the summer solstice and someone asks what he wants and he's like “uh I guess I want to still be alive at the end of the year?” and the other person is like “isn't that what everyone wants? Raise the fucking bar please. What do you REALLY want?” and he's stands there for a really long time and thinks about it before finally saying “I think I just want to be happy for once” and everyone else is like. wow. Way to kill the fucking mood dude. Anyway. He has had fleeting moments of happiness in his life but wants nothing more than to feel that way forever. It's kind of hard to say what he wouldn't do for that because like. there's not really much you CAN do in the first place, so I feel like there's even less you couldn't do. I guess he wouldn't like sell his soul to the devil or something lmao (though by being involved with Ciaran he's pretty much halfway there)

Old Blood: to be left alone. Vera just wants a normal life. She really truly does want to pretend that none of the horrible shit happened to her and that she was never a world-famous hunter. And she wants to teach art classes and live a quiet life!!! I mean, she is already mostly doing that exact thing when we first meet her, but obviously she has some hindrances (aka fucked up blood nightmares). She is begrudgingly helping Andhira because she assumes that will fix her problem and that she'll be able to get to that quiet living as soon as all is said and done. The only thing she really wouldn't do to get what she wants is like... live somewhere far away from Josef and Luka lol She likes having them close by more than she wants to be left alone.

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10. Within your story's world, were there any events that impacted every character (or most characters)? How would they be different if this event never happened? (Alternatively, erase an important even from on character's backstory and imagine where they'd be now.)

White Crane: well. If the stupid old gods didn't all kill themselves and almost end the world then I guess none of this story would exist lol But the actual answer is like. If Yixing had never run out on his girlfriend of ten years then he wouldn't have moved across the continent to Jengmi and wouldn't have made a name for himself way out there and wouldn't have been scouted and recruited and wouldn't have met Ciaran or Anwei and wouldn't have gotten in the middle of the batshit grudge between a bunch of ancient petty gay people and wouldn't have DIED and wouldn't have made one of the ancient petty gay people in particular lose his grip on his humanity via a lust for power in a desperate attempt to guarantee his safety and wouldn't have been the reason that tens of thousands of people die in his name and wouldn't have accidentally set off a chain of events that resulted in him having to hunt down and kill the Actual God that started it all in a fit of jealous rage. So like. maybe he should have just gone through with the wedding. All things considered, his life would have been way less stressful.

Old Blood: uhhh, that's tough because the stuff that happens only really has any effect on the mortal characters (I mean yeah people still try to kill the Sovereign but they're too dumb to know the ACTUAL way to kill him.... haha unless??), so it would be more like a what if Vera didn't witness the violent deaths of both her apprentice and her lover and have a full blown nervous breakdown and abandon her career? Well...... I think most things in the plot would transpire more or less the same, except she would be WAY less pissed off about it. In fact, she would probably be hyped as hell to get the chance to make the acquaintance of the Sovereign's family like Josef had before her. The thought of Vera being upbeat and not a sleep-deprived asshole that hates being dragged back to her old life..... ew. Not that I enjoy her suffering but you know what I mean. It just wouldn't be the same.

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11. What is something from your wip that you just really want to ramble about?

Are you sure you're ready for this. This is going to be so so so so long I'm sorry in advance. It's Saturday night and I'm alone and kind of sad so I'm just going to let loose.

As I hone down plot elements for next two installments in my little trilogy, I have kind of become obsessed with the passage of time and how different it must feel to someone that, well, lives forever. One of the ways I'd written (that has since been kind of changed) for Yixing to start to figure out what Ciaran really is was that he would casually be looking through his bookshelf and find an old photograph of Ciaran, Anwei, and their mom standing backstage together after one of his performances. And when he eventually asks Ciaran about it, he gets upset because how dare you touch the one thing I have left to remember my mother? To remember what my life used to be like? There are so many names and faces and places and foods and sensations that I've forgotten in the 940 years I've lived like this and I would give anything I have to see any of it just one more time because I didn't know that the last time I would ever speak to my mom we would have an argument on the phone about how I need to go to the temple and pray for good fortune on my birthday, or that the last time I would ever see my best friend would be at 6am when we both came into the studio to practice and he asked me to go out to breakfast and I said no because I thought a nap would be more important. And there are so many people that I've watched die whose names I never learned and whose faces I forgot the moment I turned away, and there are so many others that I loved so dearly that I had to leave behind because they grew old and I didn't. And I have lived lifetimes in solitude to keep myself a secret from other people and I have died more than any person should ever have to die and I have witnessed atrocities no one should ever witness and I hate everything about this life so much but I love everything about this life so much and I wouldn’t trade it for anything but I think I would give it all away in an instant if only to remember the scent of my mother's favorite perfume and I think I would give it all away in an instant if it meant I didn't have to watch you turn to dust in my arms.

ANYWAY. I think a lot about the agony of loving things that aren't permanent and how it really DOES drive you mad because lately I have been unbelievably nostalgic for certain things that weren't even that long ago but..... I didn't appreciate them at the time and I feel so guilty about it. (And like. I too would give up my entire life to be able to remember the scent of my grandmother's favorite perfume.) And all my pent-up sadness is for things that only happened in my childhood. I have pictures and videos and other people to share those memories with, but what does it feel like to be one of very few people that watched the entire world fall apart and rebuild itself and have nothing to hold onto from that time? What does it feel like to foster dozens of generations of children and outlive every single one of them? What does it feel like to have only fragments of memories of entire lifetimes? How lonely is it? I mean, Ciaran and Anwei have each other and that makes a difference but it still has to be the most isolating feeling. And then there's the pain that comes with memories that have faded or otherwise become hazy. I doubt either of them remember their father's face. They hadn't seen him in years even before it all happened. If it wasn't for that single photo he has, they wouldn't remember their mother's face either. Do they still remember her name? Or her birthday? Do they remember anyone else? Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, coworkers? If they do, do they even want to talk about it? One thing I worry about in my own life (and this is how I know I have Problems) is that I'm so afraid that talking about memories will alter them somehow. There are so many things that I don't even like to share because once the words are spoken the little vhs tape that has all my memories has been recorded over, even if it's just by a single frame. Something about it has been changed forever each time I talk about it. Do they feel the same way and keep things to themselves instead of sharing the sadness? I think maybe they used to talk about the “old days” or whatever much more often back in the past, but as the years went by.... they just learned to keep it to themselves.

I think maybe I have a lot of anxiety about the passage of time and of being forgotten!

Anyway again. The passage of time drives me insane. And I think it would make me even more insane if I had been chosen to carry the mantle of a dead god and would live forever. My dog died a year ago and I still cry like every single day thinking about her. If I was doomed to live forever I don't know how the sadness wouldn't swallow me whole! No wonder all the people in this book are fucking CRAZY!!

And don't even get me started on the Sovereign lol he's like “oh boo-hoo you've lived for not even a thousand years? Bitch they hadn't invented fucking GLASS yet when I was born. The horse wasn't domesticated yet. Cry harder!!”

[deliriumsetin]

So here’s the thing...

I’m really freaking hard to scare. Unlike my cat that just booked it into another room when our UPS guy dropped a package off at the door. Perfect timing, Percy. Perfect timing...

Anyways! I have NOT had a good scare in probably two decades. No matter what fiction I pick up that promises to chill and thrill me, neither happens.

Now keep this in mind.

As of right now I am launching a business and yes, this will tie into the weird opener. Be patient, please.

I am launching Vox et Liber, a publishing house for ALL kinds of stories and ALL kinds of voices. I started working on this in November 2019, what do you mean that was only 8 months ago?! I originally thought the publishing house up after learning a bunch of facts about the publishing world over the summer.

VeL publishing will be a new kind of publishing and I can say that with 100% confidence because I am building this beast from the ground up, with the help of @hazandlouwho​, my fiance, and a few other amazing people!

Because this business is getting started independently, which means no investors, we are working with a VERY small amount of cash reserved for start up. Initially all works will be published digitally. We do plan on launching a Kickstarter in September/October to get enough funds to keep this going and to do it right which means getting stories published physically and sold to both indie bookstores and Barnes and Noble. Please be on the look out for that.

If any awesome people want to donate to help us not break my own personal bank, which will be easy to do since Covid-19 forced me to quit my job working with the public because I’m high risk and unemployment has kept me in limbo for going on 3 weeks, you can tip us on Ko-Fi by clicking here. ALL donations and funds raised go towards launching VeL and all projects under the VeL umbrella.

Bringing it around to the scares. VeL is launching our first project and we need all you awesome writers’ help. As of today we are opening submissions for our first ever anthology, Graveyard Visits. It’s horror with the theme of marginalized voices written as Own Voice fiction. Meaning stories written by marginalized groups with their marginalized groups as main characters.

Submissions are going to be open from July 1st until August 12th 11:59pm EST. Stories are expected to be between 2.5k-5k words in length. We will be paying $.02 per word as well as giving you a digital copy of the anthology. Submission Guidelines can be found here.

Now the whole me being hard to scare; I want to be scared. Submit your best, your scariest, and most bone-chilling stories.

Also, not so subtly gonna add a nudge to @thebibliosphere​ because I feel like she might have something up her sleeve. If not for this anthology then definitely our erotica one that will be announced later this summer.

We also have a podcast series in the works but I will do another post on that once I or my awesome soon to be brother in law (that’s STILL weird) have a moment to do up some graphics.

Click below for my rant on why traditional publishing right now is a soul sucking leech on EVERYONE.

On average with hardcover books an author is lucky to make $1.50 off each one sold and that’s only AFTER they sell enough to cover their advance. I also found out the average advance is like 3k per book. Some (not including the wicked big names who get a shit ton more) can get as high as 5k but others can get as low as a 1k. An author is lucky to see that twice a year (selling 2 books) because they have to spend time MARKETING book 1 instead of writing book 2. 

Keep in mind fiction hardcovers are generally sold between 19.99 (usually YA) or 29.99 (usually adult). Wicked big difference, huh? I get there’s a lot that goes into making a book, trust me I do but the split between should leave the authors getting around $4 per copy instead of less than $2. That $2.50 is just extra that the publishing house takes because it can.

Then there are the mass paperbacks which an author gets paid 50 damn cents per copy. Yes, those books retail for anywhere between 7.99 and 14.99 per book and sell way faster than hardcovers. Take it from an ex-bookseller.

Most books take on average 500 to 1,000 hours of work put into them before they even get handed off to the publisher for the FIRST time. At minimum that author sees an hourly return wage of $6 which is BELOW the United fucking States shit-tastic minimum peasant wage. We devalue the arts so fucking much- arg! But that can be a separate rant for another day.

Then after doing more research I realized just how off balanced the publishing world STILL is in the year of hell 2020. Don’t believe me click the link. Sarah Park Dahlen did a great article with a great graphic on it. 

As of 2015, yes I’m paraphrasing to continue to rant, children’s books had ALMOST more books about anthropomorphic cars, household items, and animals than there were books about Black kids, Asian Pacific kids, Latinx kids, or Native American/First Nation kids combined. Talking teakettles and their kindred got a whopping 12.5% while if you add up all the groups above you get 14.2%. None on there own beat out the freaking Easter Bunny! Of course books about White kids are the highest at 73.3%. Yes, this was as of 2015 but as an avid reader who reads middle-grade and up books for fun I can tell you nothing much has changed. Books about black kids maybe SLIGHTLY higher since the BLM movement (fuck yes progress!!) but I’d be heartstoppingly shocked if they beat out talking fucking trucks.

And that’s just race. From what I gathered with all the publishing houses less than 100 books with LGBTQIAP+ main characters are published each year. Wtf? And among that as of 2015 55% percent are about cisgendered males and 31% are cisgendered females. (Thank you @malindalo​, you are awesome and I’ve enjoyed meeting you at the Boston Teen Author festival the last few years.) So, just focusing on those 2 first letters, huh? I want to read a story about a kickass transwoman that has to deal with transitioning WHILE demons have torn their way out of hell. That would be badass! Holy shit, someone trans write that!

Same goes for people that live with disabilities whether they are physical or mental, including mental illness and neurodivergents like myself. If you haven’t figured out by this rant just how ADHD I am than you might need an ADHD in your life. My brain works differently and I would have killed growing up to read about characters that have to deal with what I deal with. We have Percy Jackson now and his all ‘verse but it’s not enough and it wasn’t published until I was on my way to college.

All that aside we now have all the bs coming out about what’s been going on in traditional publishing. About all the dickweeds that have been using their power and pull to sexually harass new authors, most often the new authors are young women. I unfollowed people and canceled a pre-order because fuck that shit! Also, I don’t give a fuck how big a name someone is if the hate they spew makes all their trans fans collectively feel like shit for not believing the simple fact that transwomen are women then they deserve to get dropped like the bag of shit they are. TERFs can fuck right off. 

All the publishing bs has made me more determined to get VeL off the ground because no, no, no. We’ll have none of that. All the listed above reasons can go play in traffic. We will be paying our authors better and taking care of them from day 1. We will be making sure our catalog is so damn diverse that you’d have to be looking at the wrong website to not find a story that you can’t see yourself in and lastly, if we hear of any of our authors pulling a Myke Cole or a Sam Sykes than they are dropped. It is in the best interests of our authors futures that they aren’t shitbags. /end rant

If y’all have any questions about anything of this, I think my dms are open or if I’m wrong just tag me. My days lately have been chained to my shit dell computer with one or both cats pinning me to the couch. I finish this up as Percy settles in on my legs. Also, thunderstorm is starting up and both are sleeping through it? If only I could be so lucky when the fiance and I have kids...

[sunstar-of-the-north]

Bionic the Hedgehog

Warning: This is going to be a long bio.

Age: 24

Height: A foot taller than Sonic

Weight: Unknown

Ø  Original Bio:

   “Bionic the Hedgehog is Sonic's long-lost (But not for long) brother. He's 16-years old, and he's a hot dude. His favorite sport is Basketball. He's so terrific at basketball, he can score 100 points in any one quarter. His favorite food is a Taco-Style Pizza (Hot and spicy). He's terrific at electrical devices, such as: robot factories, teleporters, and all other difficult, mechanical devices. Like Sonic, he's an adventurous, impatient, hedgehog, and he's a good guy.

   Here's the story about him. A long time ago, when Bionic was 6-years old and Sonic was 5-years old, Bionic and Sonic were playing catch. When sonic threw his sixth throw, he accidentally threw it in a bush. Bionic agreed to retrieve the ball. When he got to the bush, just picking up the ball, he was being sucked in by a trans-dimentional [sic] portal. He cried for help from Sonic, but when Sonic got there, he grabbed Bionic's hand. Sonic tried to pull his brother out of the portal, but Bionic's hand slipped out of Sonic's hand, and he was falling. Sonic tried desperately to save Bionic, but he couldn't reach him. So, Sonic forgot about Bionic.

Bionic ended up in a world of Basketball players. So, he was stranded for years and years. During the time he was there, he learned enough about Basketball, enough to give him the ability to do that "100 point per quarter" thing.

   Meanwhile, back in Sonic's dimension, you probably know his story. Here it is in a short story though, Sonic was delivering 300 Chili-Dogs. His Uncle Chuck was captured by Robotnik and his Swatbots. Sonic meets Sally after realizing Chuck was in danger (He dropped off the Chili-Dogs). Sonic and Sally try to save Chuck, But Robitnik already Robotsized Chuck. So, Sonic joined Sally's Freedom Fighters, and made new friends, like: Tails, Bunny Rabbot, Rotor, Antoine, and many other Freedom Fighters. One day Sonic and Tails, flew to a Chaos Emerald-powered Floating Island, and met Knuckles the Enchidna. Knuckles thought Sonic was an enemy, but realized he was a good guy. They didn't get rid of Robotnik for good, but they became friends. But Sonic left Knuckles so that he can do his job of guarding the Floating Island. Later, Knuckles rescued Sonic and his friends from danger with Robotnik, by forming his own team, the Chaotix. And, Sonic turned his robotisized Uncle Chuck's personality back to normal (Chuck was still a robot).

   One day, when he was eating a Chili-Dog in his bedroom, he found an old picture of himself and Bionic together. Sonic recognized himself, but he didn't remember his brother. He went to his Uncle Chuck, so, that he can talk to him about who was the other hedgehog in the picture. When he got to his Uncle's home, Chuck invited him in. Sonic asked him, "Uncle Chuck, who is that other boy with me in this picture?" Chuck studied the picture and replied to Sonic, "Sonic, this other boy was your brother, his name was Bionic." Sonic said, "Uncle Chuck, I didn't know I had a brother. What happened to him?" Chuck replied, "You saw what happened, and you ran to me and told me the whole thing. But, I'll tell you what you told me.

   "Sonic, you were 5-years old, and Bionic was 6-years old." Sonic said, interrupting, "Uncle Chuck, you're saying, he's my big brother?" Chuck replied, "Sonic, let me finish, please. You and Bionic were playing catch, on your 6th throw, you threw it in a bush. Bionic went to get it, as he was getting it, he got sucked in a trans-dimentional portal. You tried to save him, but didn't succeed in saving him." Sonic said, "Well thanks for telling me, but now that I remember it, I feel so sad!" So after he stopped crying, he said, "Good bye," and went home. While he was sitting on his bed, thinking about Bionic, in Bionic's world, he found a way to get out of there. He said good bye to his friends and thanked him for a nice time. He jumped through the portal leading to Sonic's bedroom. Back in Sonic's world, a portal opened up on the wall to his left, and to his suprise [sic], a figure poked out of the portal. When Sonic got a good view of who was coming out of the portal, he recognized him, it was Bionic. Sonic asked, "Is that you, Bionic, my long-lost big brother?" Bionic replied, "Sonic?" When they both saw each other, Sonic rushed up to him and gave him a big hug as the portal closed. Bionic said, "It's good to see my little brother again." Sonic replied, "It's good to see you again, too." Sonic introduced him to all his friends, and Sonic asked him if he would like to join the Freedom Fighters and stay with himself (Sonic). Bionic, said yes, and Sonic and Bionic had many adventures fighting Robotnik.

The End.”

-Christian Weston Chandler

   Ø  New Bio:

   Bionic the Hedgehog was born and raised on the planet Mobius. He lived in the country side with his parents, who did the best they could for their only child. Bionic’s parents tried to make visits to the capital so he could play with his distant cousin Sonic. However, Bionic’s life would change dramatically. When Bionic’s family was visiting, Doctor Robotnik attacked Mobius. Fearing for their son’s safety, they ran to the nearest rocket they could and put the five year old in the machine. There was only room for one passenger. With a heavy heart, they sent their beloved Bionic into space, sacrificing their free will for his.

   The poor little hedgehog was confused, scared, and all alone. For many weeks he traveled the stars, their light being the only thing that comforted him. Eventually the rocket came to a planet that looked similar to Mobius. Thankfully the rocket was on auto-pilot, thus it landed safely in a nearby field. When the hatch opened, Bionic cautiously jumped out of it. He was surprised to see a man standing near the ship with a gun pointed straight at him. Afraid, he jumped back into the rocket. After what seemed like hours, the man tried to coax Bionic out. He put his gun on the ground, hands in the air. At first the child watched him fearfully but did eventually climb out of the rocket again. When the man figured out he wasn’t a threat, he asked Bionic if he would like to come back to the man’s home. Tired, hungry, and lost, the boy accepted.

   The man’s name was Jeremiah Jones, a farmer and the basketball coach for the Manchester High School in Midlothian, Virginia. When Jeremiah heard of Bionic’s sad tale, he took pity on the hedgehog and decided to adopt him. He taught him everything he knew, such as attending crops and playing basketball. At first Jeremiah tried to keep Bionic hidden from the rest of the town. He knew however that the hyperactive boy wouldn’t be able to stay a secret for long. After many days talking to the Manchester principal, Bionic was able to attend the school. It was here he was able to excel and make many friends.

   When Bionic was 16, he was playing basketball with some of his friends when he lost control of the ball. It was heading straight for a kid in Bionic’s class. He shouted a warning to the boy but he was too zoned out to hear the hedgehog. It smacked him right in the head. Bionic rushed over to him to make sure he was alright. It was because of the incident he met Christian Weston Chandler. They two had a tight friendship, despite Jeremiah’s misgivings about it.

   As the orange hedgehog got older, he made quite the name for himself in the basketball world. He was able to get a full sport’s scholarship once he graduated high school. In college Bionic majored in electrical engineering just in case if his basketball career didn’t work out. However, things took a dark turn after a night of practice. When Bionic was driving home, he was hit by a truck driver who passed a red light. The next thing he knew, the basketball player was lying in a hospital bed. Bionic was devastated to find out he lost his left eye, leg and arm in the crash. Not all hope was lost though. There was a small chance he could regain his lost limbs with the aid of robotic prosthetics. He accepted the surgery after talking to his father.

   A few months after the surgery, he was able to make a full recovery. There was the concern though that Bionic’s new limbs would give him an unfair advantage against the other players. The doctor who performed the surgery assured the coaches that his prosthetics had the same strength as his other limbs. With that, Bionic was able to continue playing the sport he loved. He’s currently playing for the Virginia Cavaliers and lives in Charlottesville. He makes sure to set aside time to visit his father back in Midlothian. Redesign/New Bio (c) Me Bionic the Hedgehog (c) Christian Weston Chandler

[valarin-sunstorm]

I support BIPOC

If you read nothing else of my post, please take note of these links.

Donate to Black Lives Matter

Donate to Black Visions Collective

Donate to Communities United Against Police Brutality

Donate to Campaign Zero

Donate to Innocence Project

I don’t really know how to talk about this concisely. I guess the first thing I can say is that I feel heartbroken for just a lot of reasons. I’ll try my best to get my thoughts out. I don’t even exactly know what I’m trying to say.

I wish to issue a statement of support to BIPOC. I wish to condemn not only racism, but colorism. I want to share my experience as a non-black POC. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to call myself that as someone who is biracial. I do not wish to detract from the struggles of the Black community. Rather, I want to share my experiences with the understanding that I still have a lot of privilege, but I also have a desire to stand in solidarity. Maybe this will be informative and help others to understand the pervasive nature of racism, and how tiring and hurtful it is.

I will be discussing racism, internalized racism, police brutality, and abuse.

I’m half Mexican. I haven’t really told more than a couple of people on here that. I’m white-passing by virtue of damaging myself. For decades I hated my skin. I thought I was ugly. Unsophisticated looking. I didn’t look like my white family members. I didn’t look like the white community around me. The only person who looked like me was my father and my eldest brother, who I had little social contact with. I have not gone into the sun for decades. I tried to bleach my skin. An endocrinologist told me that my vitamin D levels were on par with someone with severe malnutrition, and I had to be put on medication. Now I am pale in the way someone sick is pale. It mitigated some but not all racist comments.

I no longer live with my white mother. That’s a good thing. She had nothing but contempt for me on several levels. That’s weird, isn’t it? I think she liked my father by virtue of how whitewashed he was made to be. In the 1950s his family lived in a U.S. Naval base in Peru, though they were of Mexican origin. His first language was Spanish. They moved to America in the 1960s. He was made to assimilate into white culture and stop speaking Spanish. He doesn’t speak it anymore. My mother says it’s not a "pretty language.”

My father worked overseas for most of my childhood. I was raised by my white mother. My paternal grandfather died long before I was born, and my paternal grandmother died when I was young. We called her “Grandma Tina.” No one ever told me her real name. I found out it was Eutimia. I guess that was too 'ethnic’ for people to say. No one ever told me I was Mexican. I just looked different and I didn’t know why. I hated everything about how I looked.

My father became chronically ill in the past decade. He requires daily medication or he will quite literally die. A few years ago, he was having a medical crisis and trying to get home. The police pulled him over and arrested him for driving under the influence, despite the fact that he was not intoxicated and had passed their breathalyzer test. He was taken into police custody. My mother took me in a panic down to the precinct to collect him or at the very least give him some of his medicine. It was midnight. We arrived and the police officer regarded my mother with a smug smile. We could not visit my father because visiting hours were over. We could not bail him out because of the time of night. He would not allow her to give him the medicine, and assured us there was a medical facility on location. My mother tried to yell at the cop. I had to pull her away. I was afraid of how things would escalate, and how she could have made things worse for my father. The medical staff did not tend to my father. When we bailed him out the following morning, he was nearly dead. Much longer and he would have gone into organ failure.

Yesterday, my mother made a bigoted facebook posts condemning the BLM protests with no self-awareness about the abuse of power that had nearly cost my father his life. I spoke out against her publicly. I’ve always been scared of her. Even though I no longer live with her. She’s more abusive emotionally and mentally than I feel like I’ve even letting on. I feel like I can’t say she was truly abusive because she only beat me with a hairbrush once, and I feel like I deserved it. I am still closeted as gay and trans IRL out of fear from my family and the state I live in. I guess I’ve been closeted about my ethnicity in-game too. My character is pale, but my face claim is a white-passing man of Mexican descent. Maybe that’s self-insert-y but I feel a connection to it. I don’t know how to explain it. But I do know that I want to speak up.

I want to say this now. Even if it makes me uncomfortable. Even if it makes others uncomfortable. I feel like it needs to be said. I know that as someone who has the opportunity to pass as white, I have certain privileges and a duty to speak out against racism. Silence is Violence. I plead with the members of my community to do their best to hold compassion and openness for the BIPOC around them. I hope that people keep an open heart and a willingness to change behaviors that have been harmful to the BIPOC in their communities. 

For the past three months I’ve been working 6 days a week with no end in sight due to COVID-19. I may not be completely available all the time, or completely in the loop about things. I am sorry that I have not spoken up sooner. I don’t know if this enough, or if it’s appropriate. I just want to put it out there. If anyone wishes to speak, please feel free to message me.

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Rowyn Mottershead

Happy Friday! Any plans this weekend? Middle kiddo R started school today (yay!), something we’ve been hoping would be able to happen for a while now. His brother and sister are already enrolled in school and he was feeling a little left out, so we’re all thrilled he’ll be able to finally go now, too.

Today’s Feature Friday is a special one. Rowyn has a beautiful, important story to share, and his words on life, love, and self-acceptance ring true no matter what stage of life you’re in. We loved getting to know Rowyn and we think you will, too. See what we mean below…

On the beauty of a road trip: My favourite place I have travelled to is Colorado, it was on a road trip with my fiancé last year. He is American and I am British so it blew my mind to see the vast land and untouched beauty of the states. We drove through Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Colorado, each state with it own unique character and landmarks. I’ll never forget it and it motivates me to move out to the USA once I am married to my partner.

On a fortunate upbringing: I grew up in a small market town in the south of England. The area is conservative in attitudes but with accepting values, I didn’t know any LGBT people growing up but still I knew my family would love me regardless of my identity. I had a privileged middle-class upbringing and I’m thankful for the education and opportunities it brought me. I picked up learning piano and bass guitar when I was 10 years old and went on to pour all my energy into creative outlets. Most of my family were never concerned at this unconventional artistic focus and encouraged me to improve my music, art, food, films, whatever took my fancy. This lead me to where I am today in my multi-disciplined career as a musician, filmmaker and professional chef. 

On the influence of family to succeed: I come from an accomplished family so that made me very ambitious, my grandfather is a world-renowned theatre engineer and choir singer and he made it clear to me that I should always follow my passion and drive to find success rather than following money. Growing up with the expectation to succeed used to scare me a lot but now it fuels the confidence I have in my abilities. I had access to instruments and equipment that meant I had the building blocks for my skills from a young age, again I have privilege to thank for this. 

“Correcting people can be exhausting and unrewarding work, so really I also learnt that the people who really care about you the most, will do that emotional labour on your behalf…”

On an unexpected, impressive skill: I learnt to solve Rubik’s cubes when I was 12 years old, I can now solve a 5x5x5 cube in 10 minutes and a 3x3x3 cube in less than 2 minutes. In the past I have won bets on the basis of this skill because people tend not to believe me when I tell them I can do this! Never underestimate the power of someone with good memory and good dexterity!

On what he loves about himself: My patience and dedication to any cause I care about. I’ve always gotten satisfaction out of a good job done well, as well as excelling people’s expectations. I can multitask and keep track of my work so that I don’t get overwhelmed, which is a very useful skill in the kitchen at my job as a full time sushi chef! I love that I have a job that I’m very good at and that I enjoy very much. On a physical level, I love my naturally honey coloured hair :)

On what brings him joy in life: Wow there are so many possible answers for this. My passions that I have worked on the longest is my songwriting. I have explored myself and my life through lyrics and melody for nearly 20 years and it’s an incredibly important part of my life. I also find a lot of happiness in activities dancing, skating, swimming and hiking, as well of course as spending time with my fiancé, Liam. My three pet rats would also be high on that list!

On being open to who he is: I came out as transgender in 2013 when I was 16 years old, I had left school and met new friends at college so I transitioned smoothly into a masculine role at that time. However I found myself coming out again at 22 as a gay man, as I had found myself for the last 6 years being viewed as a bisexual androgynous mystery. I wanted to clarify how I felt but I felt some level of shame being both a ‘failed woman’ as a trans man and a ‘failed man’ as a gay man. I’m still working on this internalised homophobia and cisnormativity and I’m glad to be finally open about who I am.

On the importance of support: My family are very close and never stopped loving me or viewed me any differently. The adjustment to my new name and pronouns however took years for some people, especially my Dad, but they never stopped me from doing what I wanted. 7 years into my life as Rowyn, I think they recognise that this was the best decision for me, and we have never looked back. Most of the other people in my life these days have no idea who I was before I transitioned, and I would like to keep it that way. I faced some criticism in 2013 because transgenderism was not mainstream knowledge as it is today, I spent a lot of time educating people and explaining that no, this is not just because I wear my hair short and don’t like skirts, it’s a lot deeper than that.

On a learned lesson: I learnt that gender and sexuality is not straightforward, that it can be felt and perceived in many different ways. I had people close to me say that they will always view me as female and I had people I barely knew saying they had always felt a male energy from me. I had people assume I would fall in love with a woman and people assume that I had no sexual desires at all. I learnt that coming out is something you have to do over and over again, especially as a trans person who gets misgendered. Correcting people can be exhausting and unrewarding work, so really I also learnt that the people who really care about you the most, will do that emotional labour on your behalf, correcting friends and family in private to make your life easier. 

On his advice to today’s LGBTQ youth: I would say it is impossible to live your life on other people’s terms. Even if your family struggle to understand or accept your identity, you will only find happiness by being true to yourself. There are so many people out there who will love you exactly the way you are so if those people aren’t surrounding you, do your best to move into spaces where you will be supported. The people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter don’t mind. Obviously some people don’t have the opportunity to escape certain situations, but you can always reach out online to find like-minded people and realise you are not alone and you are not ‘freakish’, you are just your own variety of normal, and that is beautiful :)

“Life gets good when you stop waiting for the right time and seize the moment”

On the decision to finally start living life the way he wanted: Medical transition felt like a deep dark well of impossibility for many years. When I was 16 my parents decided I was too young for it and told me to wait until I was ‘ready’... well I felt I was ready at 16... so I then spent years waiting for anything to cement itself further so I could take the next step. But nothing changed, I went to university, continued living with physical discomfort and daily misgendering. I lost track of my mental health, slipped into an unhealthy relationship, somehow graduated on time at 21 and realised that I was still no closer to hormones and surgery and being ‘male’ then I was 5 years ago. At this point I decided to pay for private treatment so I could finally start living my life and overcome this burden of dysphoria. I’m so glad I did this and finally took control of my life. I had top surgery 6 months ago (at great expense) and the pay-off of anticipation was so worth it. Just being able to feel the fabric of a shirt on my back and the flatness of my chest feels like overcoming  the biggest obstacle I have ever faced.

On his biggest inspirations: In my daily life- my fiancé Liam [is my biggest inspiration]. He has incredible physical and mental stamina, he can run many miles at a time and write thousands of words in one sitting, and always has energy spare to shower me in love. In my professional life- my friend and collaborator Fox Fisher who has worked tirelessly over the past 8 years to make their content by and for the trans community. And in my musical life- singer/songwriter Orla Gartland who I have been following on YouTube for about 10 years. She is roughly the same age as me and has written countless incredible songs about very raw emotional experiences. Seeing us both grow as musicians over the years has brought me a lot pride and strength. 

On looking forward to the future: Married to Liam and probably living in the state of Arkansas where Liam is from. I hope to be running my own kitchen with a sustainable and vegetarian menu. I hope to be living on a homestead where we grow our own food and keep our own livestock. I hope to have employees that care as much about the food and the planet as I do. I hope to have time in the evenings to play music with my husband and laugh with friends. I hope to have some cute pets, as a stepping stone to starting my own family with Liam. Above all of course, I hope to be happy. 

On the power of believing in yourself: Life gets good when you stop waiting for the right time and seize the moment; whether it be proposing to the man of your dreams, furthering your skill set, taking small steps to fulfil your personal goals, or just taking a walk outside in the sunshine. Whatever you do to make a moment your own will be meaningful, will be something to look back on and be proud of. From being a confused depressed teenager to being an accomplished chef with a future husband and a transitioned body, only took a few years of hard work and positive thinking, and all it /really/ took was the belief in myself to succeed.

Thank you so much, Rowyn! You can follow him on Instagram here. Have a wonderful weekend, y’all!

[scarletwelly-boots]

Books Read 2019

It’s time again for my annual books read post (a little earlier than usual, but I couldn’t wait). I read 24 books in 2019, 4 books more than last year, though two are in progress and I expect to finish them by the new year.

It is year four of the reading challenge from Popsugar. There were 48 categories this year, so I got 50% again. Unlike last year, I did not change any categories, but I may have taken liberties with some again, we’ll see. So, without further ado, let’s begin the list. [Under the cut]

1. How to Train Your Dragon, by Cressida Cowell (A book becoming a movie in 2019). Okay, so there have already been two movies in this series, but the last one (*sob*) came out this year, so it counts. I read this book and a few of the others in the series a few years ago, but revisited the first one this year. It’s really good, but don’t go into it expecting it to be like the movies. The character names are the same, but that’s about it. If you can get your hands on the audiobook version, it’s read by David Tennant, which is excellent. Definitely recommend; it’s just as good as the movies.

2. Little House in the Big Woods, by Laura Ingalls Wilder (A book that makes you nostalgic). This is another reread. My dad read the whole series aloud to my sister and I when we were barely older than Laura is in the first book. It was the series he read before the Harry Potter books came out, and we both got sucked into that series. So yeah, very nostalgic. This is a series of semi-autobiographical stories chronicling Wilder’s pioneer childhood, and this is the first in the series. Some of the language doesn’t really age well, but for the most part it’s a delightful book.

3. An Absolutely Remarkable Thing, by Hank Green (a book you think should be turned into a movie). Holy. Shit. I was very, very pleasantly surprised by Hank Green’s debut novel (and yes, John Green is his brother). This is a mysterious book about first encounters and internet fame, with a queer young adult (like, really YA, as in post-college) protagonist. She’s kind of shitty sometimes, but I would argue all twenty-somethings are shitty sometimes (I mean, I literally typed “*sob*” two entries up, like I’m channeling my 2009 self, and I didn’t delete it.). I would highly, highly recommend. And apparently, SOMEDAY, there’s supposed to be a sequel, thank GOD.

4. Loki: Agent of Asgard, by Jason Ewing (a reread of a favorite book). I could actually get away with a reread for this one! I love this graphic novel series. I love how they depict Loki, how he finally gets a goddamn redemption arc. It’s a really fun read. Check it out.

5. The Beast Within, by Serena Valentino (a book inspired by mythology, legend, or folklore). A companion novel to Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. I don’t really remember much about this book. It was weird. But like, it plays with the timeline and the curse a little bit, where the beast gets cursed but doesn’t become a beast immediately. He slowly transforms as his behavior gets worse and more cruel. Apparently he used to be friends with Gaston, but Gaston forgot about him once he finally transformed. Really weird. If you’re obsessed with this fairytale like I am, give it a shot. If not, it probably won’t be that interesting.

6. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen (a book you see someone reading on TV or in a movie). Another reread. I know it’s a classic, but I seriously just love this book. 

7. Howl’s Moving Castle, by Diane Wynne Jones (a book about someone with a superpower). Another reread of a favorite book, what can I say. The movie is my favorite movie, but the book is better.

8. Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell (a book told from multiple character POV’s). Okay, listen. I had to reread this book, because it had been a few years and the sequel came out this year. Think of this as generic brand Harry Potter if Draco was a vampire, was Harry’s roommate, and helplessly in love with Harry. I’m serious, it’s generic brand. But damn if I don’t love it. @JKR, this could be us but Harry had to be the jock that married his high school sweetheart and grew up to be a cop. Definitely read.

9. Franny and Zooey, by JD Salinger (a book with no chapters/unusual chapter headings/unconventionally numbered chapters). My brother got me this book for my birthday. Before this I had only read Catcher in the Rye, which I started out hating when I was fourteen but turned into loving when I was nineteen. Honestly I think this novel is better than that one. I really loved it. Highly recommend. What’s it about? Who the fuck knows? But to quote my brother: “At its core, I think this book is about a smart brother and a smart sister. I think we can relate.” So read it and buy it for the smart brother or sister or sibling in your life.

10. 1916, by Tim Pat Coogan (read a book during the season it is set in). This is an Irish history book about the Easter Rising of 1916 and (what I didn’t know when I started reading it in April) everything that came after that can trace its cause back to the rebellion, all the way to the centennial of the Rising. The Easter Rising was the catalyst of Irish freedom. It was like the Boston Tea Party of Ireland, rather than the Battle of Yorktown (as in it kickstarted the War for Independence but didn’t immediately result in freedom), that is, if the instigators of the Boston Tea Party were rounded up, imprisoned in Kilmainham Gaol, and a week later almost all executed by firing squad. It’s a tedious read if you’re not into Irish history or history in general, but I enjoyed it.

11. Loki: Where Mischief Lies, by Mackenzi Lee (a book set in space). Okay, technically it takes place on Asgard and Earth, but those are planets, and planets are in space, so it counts! I’m still reading it, but I really like it so far. (Honestly I maybe just like the idea of Loki in knee high black boots marketed towards women and black nails. I never promised not to be gay.)

12. Norse Mythology, by Neil Gaiman (a book set in Scandinavia). I’m sorry! I read this book every year. Neil Gaiman is an amazing writer, and we all know I’m gay as shit for some good Loki tales. 

13. Artemis Fowl, by Eoin Colfer (a book that takes place in a single day). Okay, I know people love this fantasy series, and since it’s Irish I fully expected to, too. But I didn’t like any of the characters enough to read the rest of the series, least of all Artemis himself. I struggle to enjoy stories if I don’t like the main character, and Artemis was kind of a shit. Sorry, I did not like this one.

14. Skulduggery Pleasant, by Derek Landy (a debut novel). I just started this one, too, but I really like it already. I think the audiobook is read by the same guy that read Artemis Fowl, but already this is way better than that one. The characters are likable, for one (god, the bar is so low for fantasy books for me right now). It’s a mystery and a fantasy, and the main-ish character is literally an anthropomorphic skeleton detective. It’s excellent. I’m going to read the whole series. (I have to; my mom accidentally got me the 12th installment for my birthday.)

15. Red, White, and Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston (a book that’s published in 2019). I read this twice. It’s so beautiful. I really expected it to be a shitty YA novel, but it wasn’t! It was very romantic (once they stopped “hating” each other), and gay. The premise sounds far-fetched: First Son of the United States falls for the Crown Prince of England. But, guys, it’s soooo gooooood. Highly, highly, highly recommend. 

16. The Wisconsin Road Guide to Mysterious Creatures, by Chad Lewis (a book featuring an extinct or imaginary creature). I mean, you can make your own decision whether these cryptids are real or imaginary. This is a travel guide to cryptids in Wisconsin, which I got on vacation earlier this year. I liked it, but reading a road guide for pleasure is admittedly kind of weird. Recommend if you’re planning a road trip through Wisconsin and want to stop at some cryptid, ghostly, or Nessie-like hotspots. Or if you just want to fuck Mothman, like me. (Dustybae’s not in this particular travel book though.)

17. Take Me With You, by Andrea Gibson (a book recommended by a celebrity you admire). Okay, so it was by a celeb I admire, not recommended by. This is a very quick read, of quotes from Gibson’s poetry. They are a queer spoken word poet with some really good pieces. They’re on spotify and apple music, probably among other sources. Recommend their work, but the book is very short, so maybe only purchase if you enjoy their work.

18. This is How it Always Is, by Laurie Frankel (a book about a family). This book was really, really good. It was passed around the aunts in my family until it got to my mom and I, which was really kind of a magical thing. It’s about a family navigating the challenges and gifts of raising a trans child. I cried a couple times, and it was so good. It’s written by a parent of a trans child, so it came from a place of understanding, and it was interesting to read this type of narrative from a parent’s perspective, when usually being genderfluid myself, I tend to consume media that is from the perspective of trans characters themselves. I had some very interesting conversations with my aunts and mom about it, and I really think this book changed my family a little bit, and I didn’t expect it to change me, too. Highly recommend. 

19. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, by Suzanne Clark (a book that includes a wedding). So the wedding is at the very beginning, and sadly not between Strange and Norrell. But it’s really good. Lots of magic, lots of regency-era Britishness. The book is huge, but there is a miniseries on Netflix based on the novel and that’s really good too. Highly recommend, and still in love with my man John Childermass. Hnng.

20. Wayward Son, by Rainbow Rowell (a book by an author whose first and last names start with the same letter). Sequel to Carry On. Sheer madness. I loved it. Think of it as generic brand Harry Potter post-DH, if Harry sprouted dragon wings during the final battle, is gay as shit for Draco, and a year later Harry, Draco, and Hermione are set loose on America with .5 seconds of research, severe culture shock, one cell phone between them, and a half-assed plan to rescue Ginny who may or may not want to be rescued. Shit show, but well done and I’m fully invested and ready for the third installment.

21. Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman (a book with a two-word title). I’m sorry, I need to shift to caps for this. GUYS I FUCKING LOVE THIS STORY YOU HAVE NO IDEA IT IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS EVER COME INTO MY WORLD! I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WATCHED THE AMAZON SERIES THIRTEEN TIMES TO DATE AND IMMEDIATELY DEVOURED THE BOOK IN THREE DAYS. You don’t know what it’s about? Where have you BEEN?! An angel and a demon who are gay as shit for each other and love humanity way more than either of their respective sides. One downside is that as the miniseries came out like twenty years after the novel, my two favorite parts were only written for the series, and are not in the novel. But the book is still very, very good. 15/10.

22. Dumplin’, by Julie Murphy (a book revolving around a puzzle or game). I took game to mean competition, so this is about a beauty competition. I watched the Netflix movie first. I honesty thought I was not gonna like it, but holy shit it was amazing. Admittedly I think the movie was better (despite having Jennifer Aniston in it), but the book was really good, too. Recommend.

23. The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde (your favorite prompt from a past Popsugar reading challenge; a book with a queer protagonist). God, please read this book. This has been up there in my list of favorite books since I was fourteen. Oscar Wilde is a master storyteller, and Dorian Gray is intriguing and despicable and beautiful. I’ve already read this, but I love it too much not to.

24. Terrible Queer Creatures, by Brian Lacey (a book set in an abbey, cloister, monastery, vicarage, or convent). Okay, so it’s not set there for the whole book, but gay monks and nuns are things. This was another birthday present, and an absolute hit. Combining two of my favorite things: Irish history and queer history. I had no idea a book like this existed. I’m still really excited about it. The only issue I have is that most of the one chapter dedicated to gay women involve biographies of people that were actually probably trans men, like Dr. Barry. They could have probably had a separate chapter and then a chapter of the clear lesbians and bisexual women (including trans women, of course). Lumping them in with the women in a chapter specifically dedicated to queer women did not seem particularly inclusive. But overall I really enjoyed the book.

Top Ten Books of 2019 post will be forthcoming.

[areasontobreathe]

To any of my followers who spent their holidays being judged by strangers and family who can’t take the time to even know you, I just want you to know, you aren’t alone.

On every single social media platform I am on, I try very hard to spread positivity.  And I get it, it comes off a little saccharine at times - You aren’t just thinking I am trying to hard sometimes.  I am literally trying too hard sometimes, because I have had such a crummy day/week/whatever that I want to put some ‘nice’ in the world in case someone else is going through what I am going through, or something even worse.

Because, honestly, I wish someone was there to be nice to me.

However, the travesty of a holiday that I recently experienced must be said.  This is your last chance: if you click below, there is profanity, mention of homophobia, mention of someone wishing rape on another individual, discussion of Christianity in both positive and negative light, and you’ll probably leave thinking I am crazy.  And that’s okay - I know it sounds nuttier than squirrel turds, but it’s a harmless kind of crazy, which you’ll see if you read on.

Oh, and this is 100% not made up.  Which is even weirder.

Christmas is usually my absolute favorite holiday.  I get an excuse to wear silly sweaters and buy silly and/or thoughtful gifts.  I get to cook for people I love and their families.  Deck the house out in lights, cinnamon scented everything. I just love it.

2018 conspired to change that, apparently. In the lead up between Thanksgiving and Christmas, my spouse and I had a huge fight.  The reason? Their family decided that ‘we’ were doing Christmas at my spouse’s uncle’s house. The misogynist, racist, homophobic, Christian zealot uncle’s house.

Umm... How about nooooooooooo.  I refused to go, because this man has successfully pissed me right the fuck off every holiday for the last 7 years.  I am not letting him ruin my Christmas this year. No.  So, fight ensues, because my family is staying with us, and my spouse currently cannot stand the sight of my mom and wants to spend time with his family.

Eventually, the decision is made that the in-laws are coming to my house for Christmas instead (what on earth did I sign up for?).  I made 2 things abundantly clear:

1) My family does an appetizer-buffet style Christmas, so that’s what I’m making, because I just made an enormous, traditional Thanksgiving dinner a month ago.

2) If Uncle Douchenozzle acts out of line, I’m kicking him out of my house. End of story.  I’m a big believer in forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean I have to let him be rude to me.

Spouse agrees, in laws are coming to my house. Sigh.

Day of Christmas, I’m busting my butt getting food prepared, because my kitchen is too tiny for assistance, really, and everything has to be timed properly, whatnot.  All other family members are sick and can’t make it. Okay, fine, leftovers for days.

Oh, But Uncle Douchenozzle makes it over to my house.  He insists we all stop eating so he can pray over the meal before he eats.  He talks at the top of his lungs and drives literally everyone but my spouse and I out of the room, and I’m squishing a panic attack as hard as I can to avoid being rude.  Finally, time to exchange gifts, which means we can usher him out soon. He hands my spouse a wrapped package, and me a card.  It’s a pretty typical Christmas card, doves and peace and joy and all that.

And a little note:

Go ahead. Look those verses up.  I’ll wait.

.

.

.

Yeah.  You did not misread those.  This man came into my home, at my reluctance, ate at my table, and gave me Christmas card with a message that says, essentially, that I’m going to Hell.  I’m sure he meant well, in his judgmental way: he has made inferences that my spouse and I don’t know God and he would really like us to get saved, etc, so on, so forth, for several years now.  But the thing is? He has no idea what our leanings on faith/religion are.  He has never bothered to ask, he just assumes we are Atheists or something because we disagree with him a lot of the time.

Well, yeah dude.   You disowned your daughter when she came out to you at 18, and literally said you hope she gets raped as punishment from God for her homosexuality.  I’m gonna disagree with you, hard.

And this is where things get kind of hysterical: I do, actually, believe in God.  I’m saved. Have been for over 20 years.  Then again, I don’t think Uncle Douchenozzle and I believe in the same God necessarily, sooo.... And honestly, I would never say I am Christian, because WBC is ‘Christian’, Uncle Douchenozzle is ‘Christian’, and I agree with half of one fact that I have heard from either of them - Yep, There’s a God.  After that, it’s a lot of ‘nope’.

Where I start to sound madder than a box of frogs:  The reason I don’t believe in any of the same things they do.  It’s because I am, believe it or not, a child of prophecy.

Wait!  Hang on!  I’m not joking!  Just listen a sec, okay?

When I was 14, I was a Church Camp (which is a thing), and the pastor at the camp prophesied over me between lunch and dinner one day (If you have ever spent a lot of time around Fundamental Christians of the Protestant Flavor, this is a really normal thing, I swear).  Nothing flashy, no booming harmonics or funny lights or suspicious fog machines.  But I will never forget what he told me, especially because it came out of pretty much nowhere.

He said that I was called by God to be a Servant (be patient...).  Not to serve and grovel at the foot of man, but help and aide others without hesitation, to love without judgement, and to forgive completely.  And that, while my name would be forgotten, as all servants in the Bible were (even the Angels who opened Jesus’ tomb had no names) my kindness and unwavering support of people would change lives.

He said this.  To a 14 year old girl.  Who was eight years into being abused by her own brother, and only stopped being abused by her grandmother because the grandmother fucking croaked.  I did exactly what you think I did.  I said “oh, fuck this dude, he’s nuts.”  And I spent the next several years avoiding being kind to people, just because no one was there for me when I needed it.

Oh, my, gosh.  I was miserable.  Then, God got a little impatient and a lot less subtle about this shit: My boss asked me to help her organize a food and gift drive for underprivleged teenagers who aged out of Toys For Tots but were still young enough that it sucked not getting Christmas presents.   I had actually been one of those kids before, minus the toy drive, so I attacked this thing with a vengence. My team spoiled those kids rotten, gave them good food that you actually want to eat.... everything for Christmas dinner but the main meat course.  I did God’s work out of spite because no one was there for me like that.

It was the gateway good-deed, my friends.  I was genuinely happy for the first time in years. And it slid from there: Being nice to people, volunteer events and fundraisers once a month, 6 different gift and/or food drives at Christmas, you name it.  And I feed people.  Oh my gosh do I feed people.  It’s like a compulsion: if you are at my house and it gets dark, I assume you are staying for dinner and will cook for you.

But other things have come to mind over the years: I have never in my life judged someone for their religion.  Honestly, I’m pretty sure we all believe in the same higher power, we just use different names (which, technically, Christianity does say there is only one God... And if they’re all the same higher power, then yeah, that’s true).  Being a jerk about it, yeah I judge, but I let them prove they’re assholes before I call them one.  I have always been genuinely nonplussed when people come out to me. Cool, I’m very glad you trust me enough to tell me.  I will literally never tell anyone, because that would not be cool of me. Okay. Good talk. And I am actually that person who sees a challenge when someone decides they don’t like me as a person. Oh, for real fam?  We gon’ be besties.  Just you wait. (One person I did this to actually brags out how ‘insidiously friendly’ I am)

Then we circle back, and that Bible verse is jotted in my Christmas card.  I sobbed for 2 hours, could not calm down.  Like, dude, you don’t even know me.  I am literally doing what God told me to do! 

So yeah, if you had someone hate you for religion, or sexual orientation, or being trans... if you had to hide yourself and listen to them disparage people like you, I am so so sorry.  But I’m here for you.  Because you read this entire beast of a post, so you were there for me.  We need to be there for each other 💜

[tinkdw]

hi tink ^_^ was wondering if you think both endgame human!cas and endgame angel!cas are both valid interpretations? im genuinely interested as I can't see the whole human!cas being a thing, and I'm open to learn more if you think that's what is actually going to happen. idk his experience as a human was miserable, i feel like maybe im missing something?? :0 u dont have to answer this if u dont want, as it may cause wank. ty

Hi!

Here’s my “overall” Cas meta from a while ago, nothing’s changed and a few other meta writers added to it so it’s a good view I think as to the whole concept:

https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/165781313412/why-do-you-think-cas-should-becomechoose-to-be

It’s a really crappy topic for divisiveness, in my experience the people who have, relatively, as much as possible, objectively analysed the author intent in the show have come to a pretty solid conclusion within the meta community that Human!Cas appears to be endgame based not on his experience as a human but the outcome, his overall arc since season 4 and the Chekhovs gun style flamingly blatant reminders throughout the show such as the repeated asking him if he wouldn’t rather be human, his choosing to be an Angel to go into battle powerful enough to save the people he loves and putting what he wants to one side and his clearly not wanting to be a soldier anymore.

It’s kind of like saying endgame Dean is for him to be emancipated and being able to openly watch Oprah and Disney etc even though on the surface he says he doesn’t like that stuff. Because the pretty obvious sublimation is there.

With Cas the sublimation isn’t quite as clear but it’s really all there. Yes he suffered as a human but he literally came out of it and said he missed it, while previous to being human he was curious and wanted to try human things (eg kissing meg) and afterwards we’ve seen him actively choosing to act more human, smiting less and fist fighting instead, acting more human, I mean the big one for me was when Dean asked him “and you’re okay with that?!” When he told him he got grace back to be able to fight and he just totally brushed it off saying he needed it to fight:

https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/171244776157/kanayaks-tinkdw-cas-i-got-my-grace-back-i

He later takes more grace which he had been previously rejecting but only to save Dean and then took his own grace back when again it’s needed for a fight whilst telling us the quote that the craziest thing a man can do is die.

He’s literally saying he’s killing himself / his wants for the greater good.

He needs grace for the fight and to be a good useful soldier and to save his family but does he want it?

Want v Need.

One of the biggest themes of the show.

Cas needs his grace to be useful when times are hard but is that what he wants?

In my opinion the show has repeatedly emphasised that it isn’t. I also think it’s clear he doesn’t want to be a soldier anymore and these things go hand in hand.

Others may use canon to say they think it is. Both interpretations are totally valid as long as they are based on canon and actually analysing the canon in a consistent manner.

The issue I have is certain people cherry picking and projecting their stories into it and claiming it’s an overall Cas’ arc since inception meta. That’s just not how meta writing works.

You can absolutely write that stuff but you can’t claim it’s objective and fully inclusive of canon and logical when it is just picking parts that fit your own desire for the character. Like, I didn’t want Lucifer to be centre stage in s13 but I didn’t just ignore it when it was.

Cherry picking things ie the one time Cas said “I just wanna be an Angel” when he was depressed, distraught at Dean’s death and wanted to stop feeling things as proof it’s what he really wants isn’t what I’d call meta writing of the whole story. That’s like saying Sam really wants to be a hunter and tag along beside his brother in the impala on the road for the rest of his life because he was a depressed, vengeful mess after Jess’ death and said ok let’s go. Is it really what Sam wants for himself and the rest of his life though? No way! That’s been clear too.

Even worse when some people claim to be bullied or triggered by other view points. Someone even screenshotted a few sentences I wrote that if you took away the top and bottom sentence looked like I was making no sense and anti Cas (me anti Cas. Lmao) but in the context obviously made sense and decided to create a wank storm about it because they didn’t like human cas meta and wanted to make me look bad. People need to grow up. This isn’t a meta discussion about interpretation it’s being a dick and being unable to contemplate another interpretation.

It makes a discussion totally impossible which moots the entire point of blogging on tumblr in the first place.

Absolutely all interpretations are valid, it’s just a case of how you pitch your interpretation. If you want to state your interpretation of a character absolutely go for it! I used to be all up for Angel!Cas meta until a few utter assholes decided to be personal and ridiculous about it. Now I don’t touch it with a barge pole. Same as M*gstiel.

But that doesn’t invalidate anyone’s good, thought out, canon analysing endgame Angel!Cas meta.

For example my own interpretation of the siren episode is different to many other meta writers, we can discuss it and have polite and great conversations without getting triggered / defensive because we aim to discuss author intent, our own interpretations and do so in a civil manner. There’s one meta writer in particular I’ve had altercations with in the past over some differences of opinion on speculative things and ways of writing meta but who I get on well with, admire and like talking to because we are adults and literally get over it.

There’s also a few people who unfortunately though I agree meta wise about things on the show have been so nasty irl to myself and others that I’ve cut them off completely.

Interpretations are interpretations until they are canon, I’m lucky that most of mine have become so or are clearly on their way but I can also be wrong ie I thought Asmodeus would be more important to character exposition than he was, life moves on. I also didn’t realise quite what it would mean that he would be a Bucklemming own concept and not really used by anyone else, I thought perhaps he’d be used by others by the wasn’t, now I have that knowledge in my pocket meta on anything that sets up for Bucklemming use is kinda meh don’t bother analysing it much it’s probably not hugely important to the overall story being told by the showrunner, ie Nick.

All interpretations are valid is very true. Eg. I can interpret Cas’ story as a metaphor for a queer kid (and in particular trans) coming from a conservative family and emancipating themselves and someone else can interpret it as an immigrants story.

If the show starts changing this then I will change my meta, because my meta is an analysis of what the show is doing, not what I want. For example I never wanted Dean to be queer representation, I was totally heteronormative and would have been totally cool with him ending up alone or with a woman, it’s the show that made me want something different for him through consistent and repeated canon blatant hints at something else. Same as Cas, I was totally ready in season 4 to just like him as a cool character and for him to bog off back to Heaven after being useful but he was captivating as an ally and it grew from there. For ages I would totally have put to one side the hints at a romantic part of his story and loved for him to become the third brother, it’s the show that made me see more between him and Dean, I never would have imagined that myself, I was a boring heterormative adult more interested in the individual characters’ stories than shipping, I thought shipping was just maritime transferral of goods before I was like wtf and googled Destiel after 10x05 cos I’d finally found a name for what I’d been seeing evolve for 6 years.

Sam goes for Cas’ own individual arc and what he wants. I never had a clue what I wanted from him until the show told me what I should want by repeating something clearly over 10 years. If they suddenly change any part of the story then they change it (and I’ll be annoyed they changed something so entrenched but I’m not going to bitch @ tptb for it or whatever, it’s their choice, they’re the creator and once it’s changed I’ll meta that) but so far it’s been the same, clear story to me for 10 years.

An interpretation is an interpretation but it’s when you start, as I do and some others do, saying you believe this one is the authors intention that you have to be more careful about backing it up with canon and logic and not getting #triggered when someone disagrees.

If you’re going to pitch it as what you believe the author intent is then you have to leave your personal projections at the door and work solely based on the canon, the production, what the author may have said outside of canon etc. It has nothing to do with your own wants for the character or show.

It also means when someone has valid canon supported arguments to the contrary you can have a really interesting discussion and I love that.

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 6

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I started writing this chapter while writing chapter five and I was expecting to have fun with it, and I did, and it has a new OC in it. One that I’ve been talking about through this entire fic basically. One I’m terribly in love with and would start a fire for. So... I’m sorry if it seems like you have to keep up with all those OCs, but it really isn’t. It’s mostly just India, and this gal in this here chapter.

I apologize in advance. (Also Remy’s dad’s phone number starts with 212, which if anyone didn’t know is the Manhattan area code. Just pointing that out.)

As usual, thanks to @broadwaytheanimatedseries​ for the original thirty second long recording of them rambling about this idea, to @whatwashernameagain​ for Keep Him Safe and just for being pure and sweet as she is, and for @anony-phangirl​ , @asleepybisexual​ and @winglessnymph​ for dealing with my insanity and random bouts of ideas.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222​ , @ab-artist​ , @secretlyanxiouspersona​ , @your-username-is-unavailable​ , @virgilcrofters​ , @why-things-go-boom​ , @ilovemygaydad​ , @violetblossem​

(If you want to be tagged or removed, please let me know! Preferably via notes/reblogs, I have bad memory, but… you do you.)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also discusses forms of child abuse and drug use.

—————

Emile was sent to the hospital the moment they explained the situation to the doctor on campus and was released from the ER a couple of days later. It was the very day Remy made the worst decision of his life. He missed some classes, Remy was glad to fill him up on those, and his mother had to fly in from Minnesota to look after him for the time he was there.

(Nathalie Picani was an incredibly nice woman, Remy decided within five seconds of meeting her. And he was yet to be proven wrong.)

But on the day Emile was released, Remy finally did it. He did the one thing he said he'd never do.

On that one fateful night in early November, Remy Harris agreed to babysit for Linda and Stephen Hollander. The victim? Remy. And also Leah.

"Would you please tell me who Leah is?" India asked him after a group meeting.

"Linda's daughter." Remy couldn't stop shaking. "She's six. Almost seven. And I don't want to babysit her."

"You're making a much bigger deal out of this than it really is and it's driving you crazy. It's a six year old. What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

But then, a couple hours later, Linda dropped the demon child off at Weld Hall - Remy wasn't a fan of her knowing where he stayed, thank you very much - and left. Well, then.

"You don't look like a Rebecca," the demon child muttered when she first saw Remy. And he was thankful. Both for the child having the sense to not imagine him as a Rebecca, and for the fact that it was nearing winter and he could start wearing baggier clothes, meaning he didn't have to bind.

(His back and boobs were going to thank him for it for the next six months, give or take.)

"Because it's not my name. My name is Remy, and Linda is just a bitch."

"A bitch is like my auntie when she doesn't listen to Mom, right…?"

What?!

"Auntie Steph wants to take me to see Lion King in New York on Christmas and Mom thinks that she shouldn't because I don't deserve to so she called her a bitch. Is that what you mean?" Less than a second later, "I dreamed last night that I was in a bouncy castle, and there was a clown, and I really don't like clowns, I think they're scary…"

She avoided eye contact. Much like two other figures in Remy's life. He didn't want to make wrong assumptions, but the thought was there.

"I saw a movie about real-real lions and you know that Simba is Nala's brother? Boy lions are really lazy, they don't hunt for themselves, the girl lions do it for them. Did you know that hyenas don't like boys? Like, at all? They have a really weird—"

"Look, kid, I'm sure all that is very interesting, but why do you know all this shit about hyenas?"

"My name is Leah Mae Hollander and I'm not a kid, I'm seven!"

"You'll be seven in two weeks."

"Girl hyenas have pen—"

"Yeah, I'm not gonna let you finish that! Let's do something other than talking."

He failed to notice her expression change when he said that.

——

Remy didn't have the heart to tell Leah that he already knew who George Michael is and that Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go was the song his dad used to wake him up all the time, which is why he doesn't like it, when a tiny gray bunny followed Katherine into the suite.

She swore she didn't steal him. And for once, he actually believed her.

"But it's a song about oh oh oh Remy that's a bunny I wanna cuddle the bunny can I please please cuddle the bunny?" He couldn't even answer before she dashed from the couch and grabbed the bunny a little too harshly. "Fluffy bunbun! You're so cute, little bunny!"

"Leah, someone needs this bunny right now. Would you mind putting him down so we could take him back?"

The look she gave him could kill a man.

"I found him. He's mine now."

"No, his name is Mycroft and he belongs to a very good friend of mine who is sick and needs him back." She tried using puppy eyes. Well… "You can come with me. But I'm taking the bunny back."

"Okay!"

Leah bounced all the way down the hall, and insisted on knocking on the door herself. It took several tries before Emile opened the door, still looking incredibly pale.

"I'm actually surprised you're doing this well," the nurse said while changing Emile's IV. "The lab suspected GHB, and—"

"Let's celebrate the small miracles instead of constantly pointing out facts that my son would rather forget."

"I can't hang out right now," Emile sighed. He sounded incredibly tired, almost… as if he's been crying. "I need to study for—"

"You, my good bitch, need to study for nothing. Get back in bed and I'll make you more tea."

"I'm not actually sick…"

"No, but it will help calm you down. And your mom would hate me if I didn't."

"Hello, I'm Leah!" Oh yeah. The demon child was here too. Emile looked down at her, forcing a smile. "I'm seven."

"You're not seven."

"Not yet but almost."

"Remy, please, she's clearly seven!" Leah's smile grew at that. "I'm Emile, I'm sixteen. Thank you so much for returning my bunny, Leah!"

"He's my bunny now."

For a second, Remy thought Emile was trying to imitate him. He never saw his adorable blond friend be evil... "How about he'll be ours, together?"

"...fine."

Leah bolted into the suite after the bunny, who was placed on the ground and started hopping towards his food. She was an interesting kid. A demon child, but still interesting.

Remy didn't know if he liked her or not.

"Thanks for coming to check on me, but I'm okay. You don't have to do anything. I'll be fine." Emile kissed Remy's cheek as he entered after Leah… and then didn't immediately leave. There was no way he was going to. "Remy, please!"

"No! You were—"

"I know what I was. I kept being reminded of what I was when I was in the hospital. Please stop reminding me."

"I was in the hospital two months ago," Leah started rambling again and broke whatever tension was between the boys. "Mom took Rachel to the park and I wanted to go too, because the park has the slides and the swings and there's a red slide that has rollers on it and it's funner because of the rollers and I really like it but every time I go there someone is already on it and nobody lets me slide on it so I really wanted to, so I took my rollerblades and I was on my way and then I tripped and it was very close to my home and it all hurt so our neighbor Matilda called Dad and when we went to the hospital he told me that I'm stupid and shouldn't do that ever again and when I tried to tell him that it was because I wanted to slide he called me stupid again and said the fuck word."

"And what happened then?" Emile asked softly, finally going to sit down and allowing Remy to make him tea. Well, sorta.

"I broke my arm. And it was very cool! I had a cast and everything, and nobody signed it, not even Mom or Dad, so I signed it for myself. And I did whatever I wanted!"

"What did you sign then?"

"It was a story about a group of princesses who went to fight a knight who was trying to kill their dragon friend."

Something didn't seem right to Remy. Other than absolutely not understanding a single word she said (that was a bit of an exaggeration, yes), something about the story didn't… make sense. And earlier when he cut her off, she looked incredibly offended.

Yeah… nothing matched up.

"Wait… Leah, let's work it through, okay?" She hummed in agreement. Remy was looking for mugs in the suite kitchenette. "You broke your arm rollerblading?"

"Yeah, I said that—"

"And Stephen called you stupid for breaking your arm rollerblading?"

"Yeah! I told you that!"

"And what did Linda say?"

"She said that I'm a stupid child for thinking I can rollerblade. But I can! I learned how to last year, and I'm practicing, and the park isn't that far, so I can!"

"Are you trying to analyze your sister?" Emile looked overly worried. "The tea bags are in that wooden box on the toaster oven."

"I'm not trying to analyze anything, but… something is weird." There were about ten different types of tea in there. Oh dear. Chamomile…? Emile likes chamomile, right?

"I saw Monsters, Inc. last week," Leah said out of the blue. "I saw it on my birthday and I stayed until the very-very end, and Mike Wazowski actually did a musical called put that thing back where it came from or so help me! And there's a song that's like, there's a child there's a child there's a human child, running ‘round the restaurant, this is really wild, what in heaven's name will become of us, we who are living in Monstropolis?"

"You saw that last week?" Emile sounded happy. "Remy, please no chamomile. It makes my stomach feel worse. Peppermint, please?"

"Alright."

"You saw Monsters, Inc.?"

"Yeah! I like Mike. He's fun."

Linda said that Leah was disruptive, annoying, a monster of a child. So far she… certainly talked a lot, but she wasn't disruptive, or annoying (well, maybe a little), and she didn't seem stupid at all. On their way over here she kept pointing at the suite numbers (not that many, but apparently she loved it) and asking Remy to read them to her, after which she'd declare whether or not they were multiples of three. And she couldn't stop talking about animals, some of which Remy didn't even know existed - she kept talking about betta fish for some reason, whatever those fish were, and how people killed their fish by putting more than one in the fish tank or putting cold water instead of warm (he was starting to think she just really liked betta fish). And those things meant she was… the opposite of stupid. No?

He was being redundant in his own head, it wasn't nice.

"Leah, I don't think you're stupid." Leah made a squeaky noise in response. "Linda and Stephen make no sense."

"But I can't do anything right…"

"Says who?"

"Remy Harris, you came here to make yourself useful, now where's my tea?" Emile laughed.

Once the tea was made, they sat down and watched Monsters, Inc. as per Leah's request.

Things were going to be okay today.

——

"How was babysitting the little rascal?"

"Dad… don't call her that."

"Changed your mind?"

"I don't know… I don't remember Linda berating me as much as she does Leah, and it sucks. I almost want to call social services and I only met that girl today!"

"Remy, kiddo, calm down. You'll get to see her again for thanksgiving and get a better picture of what's going on—"

"But I don't want to see them for thanksgiving and I'm worried for Leah! She's learning to play the piano, she can calculate stuff really quickly for a six year old, she remembers things with scary accuracy, it's almost inhuman… and she was called names by Linda and her husband for breaking her arm rollerblading. That's not—"

"How's Emile? Last time I called you said he was in the hospital."

"Yeah… he had a blood test. They found traces of GHB. He doesn't want to talk about it though."

"I know you probably don't want to hear this—"

"Don't tell me if I don't want to know about this…"

"When you were three, your mom used to go out a lot. She loved clubbing."

"She went out a lot my whole childhood, Dad. It's not news. She never really grew up since the eighties."

"She was seventeen when she had you, you can be a little bit—"

"Which means she's thirty-five, in a good enough position to raise children, and she chooses to call her daughter names for not fulfilling her expectations. Huh, kind of like how she treats me, isn't it?"

"...you'll be the death of me, child."

"I know. I'm already working on it. You can't see me but I'm winking at you."

"Remy, please don't make this harder than it is. Do you think I want her to want contact with you?"

"No, I don't. I don't want her to either. But it's not like I have any choice. You're making me do this!"

"You're being a brat."

"Thank you so much, I totally needed to hear that."

Remy hung up. Something was… not quite right. He just had to—

Incoming Call: 212-729-5555

"I don't want to talk to you right now."

"You said you didn't want to babysit Linda's kids, and now you're protecting her child like your life depends on it. Do you want to listen to what I have to say or not?"

"...sure. Whatever."

"When you were six, I had to leave you with your grandparents one night because your mom didn't come home from one of her parties. She almost died that night."

"And that has to do with what exactly?"

"That has to do with you being super worried about Emile. He's alive, isn't he? And he's doing alright. All you can do now is be there to support him."

"Well… yeah, you're right. I hate it when you're right."

"Now, about Leah. I know you don't trust your mom, I know you can't stand her, but it's no reason to call social services."

"Okay, I call her Linda to distance myself from her. She's not my mom. And the way Leah says she treats her is horrendous, and I would say it's abusive but I don't know the severity of it yet. So will you please just…"

"I think you need to take a day off, think about it, and we'll talk tomorrow."

"...fine. Good night, Dad. I'm going to go to sleep."

"Good. Good night, son. Sleep tight."

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | August 2017

OMG! August was such a good month - I’ve read lots of amazing fics! Please make sure to also check out the fics under the cut! ❤ THANK YOU TO ALL WRITERS FOR YOUR HARD WORK AND FOR SHARING YOUR STORIES! ❤ Top 5 6 + 11 more under the cut:

Pray for some sweet simplicity

by delsicle | a/b/o | enemies to lovers | 237k Louis is the only omega to ever make it in the cut-throat world of competitive motorcycle racing—that is, he would be if anyone actually knew about his identity. Now, his sights are set towards competing in—and winning—the European Grand Prix, the biggest and most difficult race of the entire year, so he can disappear underground for good. He’s close enough, too, until an alpha sports journalist is assigned to follow Louis’s every move as he prepares for the event of his career. Or, an AU where motorcycle racing is the biggest sport in a heavily divided world, Louis is trying to take control of his own destiny, and Harry is in for more than he bargained for.

[*edited*]

Chasing Empty Spaces

by domesticharry | historical AU | 1930s | 79k The year is 1934 and Harry Styles was to inherent the largest tobacco firm in the south. His parents have picked out the “perfect” girl for him to marry and he has the privilege of receiving the highest education possible. The problem was, Harry hadn’t realized he didn’t actually want any part of that future until he met a mechanic named, Louis Tomlinson.

We’ll Be Seamless

by dinosaursmate for HL Fic Fest (2017) | Tumblr AU | pining | exhibitionism | voyeurism | 52k Green reblogged an old photo of himself. It was from back in October, a Halloween special. A pulse shot all the way through Louis because this photo was his absolute favourite, and it had taken the rest of the year for him to wean himself off of it. Green was on his knees, arms stretched out in front of him with his fingertips digging into the surface of his bed. He was wearing a pair of cat ears on his head, his curls falling forward. His back was arched, and in the foreground of the picture, Green’s bum was high in the air, a long, black cat tail sitting neatly between his cheeks. — Louis spends all his spare time scrolling arty nude blogs on Tumblr but amongst them all, Green is his favourite.

Given a Chance

by Fabby | Future Fic | canon compliant | slow burn | coming back together | anxiety attacks| 173k Five years after One Direction took their last tour, the last thing Louis Tomlinson ever expected to happen while on a tea run at the local Piggly Wiggly was to run into his ex-boyfriend and ex-bandmate Harry Styles. The odds of them ever running into each other again had to be super slim, right? Wrong. What happens when you mix ex-boyfriends with a large serving of Small Town America? Will Louis and Harry be able to set aside their differences, or will Louis be able to stay breezy as fuck in the wake of Harry’s arrival? (or, the one where Louis and Harry run into each other five years after One Direction ends and learn how to love each other again. Featuring: Reggie as the overweight labrador, Niall as Louis’ last grip on reality, and Nowheresville, North Carolina as the setting for Louis’ worst nightmare to come true.)

No sooner loved (series)

by benzos 1| As the winter to foul weather Trans character | mpreg | abortion | hurt/comfort | 45k AU. An unplanned pregnancy throws a spanner into Harry and Louis’ relationship. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. 2| You and you are sure together Trans character | eating disorder | hurt/comfort | 48k AU. The first day of fall term, Louis hits one of his residents in the face with a door. Later that day, said resident seeks refuge after a fight with his roommate. It becomes a thing. And then it becomes something else. 3| Baby, i’m speeding, and red lights are run pwp | 7k Louis really would’ve liked to just order the damn thing off the internet, but Harry insists that anything going inside your body ought to be thoroughly researched, which, apparently, mandates going to a sex shop. Knowing how ludicrously uncomfortable Louis is with the whole thing, Harry devises the ingenious solution of bringing Eleanor along and having her pose as Harry’s girlfriend who’s interested in trying out pegging, with Louis tagging along as a supportive best mate. It’s not Harry’s worst plan to date, but it’s somewhere in that range.

Under me, you

by hazzafrazza | friends to lovers | superheroes | 12 k You Won’t Believe Who Was Spotted Leaving Harry Styles’ Primrose Hill Pad! If Harry was being completely honest, it probably wasn’t the best idea to be a world-renowned popstar and an infamous vigilante. (Especially when all the comic books said never reveal your secret identity to keep your loved ones safe – which was all well and good, until Louis.) Or: Harry wants a lot of things – fame, glory, Louis – but that last one is particularly hard to get when everyone thinks you’re dating your secret superhero alter-ego and suddenly you’ve become your own worst cockblock.

Such Good Luck

by casuallyhl for HL Mpreg Fic Exchange | Historical AU | 1910s | mpreg | secret relationship | class difference | 66k Louis smiles at Harry’s words, leaning into his touch. “Tell me again.” Smiling, Harry takes Louis into his arms. Pressing gentle kisses to his face, Harry murmurs, “In six months’ time, I will have my twenty-fifth birthday. On that day, my portion of the inheritance will become legally mine. And I plan that very day to announce to my family that I have found love.” Harry chuckles as he runs his lips lightly along Louis’ cheekbone. “That, in fact, I found love when I was twenty-one years old, and that I have loved and been loved every day since.” Or, an Edwardian AU where Harry is a young aristocratic lord and Louis is a working class dairy farmer. Secrets are a necessary part of their relationship, but Louis has one that could topple their whole world.

What A Life I’d Have Missed

by harioandlouigi for HL Mpreg Fic Exchange | mpreg | established relationship | 27k It all started with a prank, tears, and guilt. Louis has been pranking Harry since the day they met. Now, seven years later, Harry has finally come up with the perfect plan to prank his husband back. He has a borrowed positive pregnancy test in front of him, he’s perfected his facial expression, and he’s dead sure Louis will fall for it. He doesn’t exactly get the panicked reaction he expected, though. As a matter of fact, nothing ever seems to turn out the way he expects it to, but that’s for the best, really. Or, the one where an insensitive joke soon becomes a very real, happy pregnancy.

Small Doses (Loving You It’s Explosive)

by Anonymous for HL Summer Exchange 2017 | personal trainer Harry | boxing | dom/sub undertones | 38k Louis Tomlinson finds himself at Vitality Fitness to try and turn his life around after having left his cheating boyfriend of four years. The gym’s owner, Liam, quickly becomes a good friend, but his right hand man is rude and dismissive from the get-go. Louis and Harry continue to clash all while Harry is trying to move his way up the ranks in Manchester’s amateur boxing circuit, but they can’t seem to stay away from each other.

Sound Like a Song

by allwaswell16 for HL Fic Fest (2017) | 14k In high school, Louis Tomlinson lit up Harry’s world like nobody else, even if Harry did most of his pining from the safety of his tightly knit circle of friends. Ten years later, Harry is ready to make some changes. He’s tired of having so many regrets and not taking charge of his life, and he still hasn’t forgotten how brightly Louis shines. He’s about to get a long awaited second chance. Or the one where Harry helps out at a farmer’s market and gives Louis free vegetables.

Take Me Back to Where We Started

by amory | exes to lovers | famous/non-famous | 27k Harry and Louis haven’t spoken since they broke up four years ago. As boarding school sweethearts they once spent every waking moment together, but now they can hardly stand to be in the same room. When their five year class reunion comes around, both boys decide against their better judgement to return and (hopefully) have a good time. The only problem is, they’re both still hopelessly in love. Starring Harry as the petty ex, Louis as the new James Bond, Niall as a boy genius and fake boyfriend extraordinaire, and Liam and Zayn as two friends just trying to make it out of this weekend alive.

Tightrope

by Anonymous for HL Mpreg Fic Exchange | mpreg | exes | friends to lovers | 33k Louis knows he and Harry are going to be together for the rest of their lives and one day they were going to get married and have three point five children, a dog, and two cats. But life hasn’t matched up perfectly yet and that time is not now. So they are both happy to be best friends and casually date other people until life decides they really should get their shit together. aka Louis gets pregnant from “one last time” sex and he and Harry somehow think they’ll be able co-parent without it being weird for anyone (most especially their new boyfriends).

Souls; Plural, Parallel

by Anonymous for HL Mpreg Fic Exchange | mpreg | soulmates | 19k Soulmates are rare, the sort of rare that means everyone has a story about a friend’s sister’s coworker or a brother’s roommate’s cousin. But the fact of the matter is that most people never meet theirs. It’s unfortunate then, that Louis finds out the hard way that he met his soulmate in a club, and the guy never texted him back.

Friend Request

by Anonymous for HL Summer Exchange 2017 | 11k This was written for Kassio as a pinch hit for the HL Summer Exchange, from the prompt: “ Louis is bored on Facebook and in the “People you may know” suggestions, he sees the name Harry Styles. The profile picture doesn’t show the person. He thinks it’s an old family friend who he misses – maybe a middle-aged or elderly former neighbor or babysitter who he was fond of as a child - and sends a friend request. Turns out it’s not old man Harry from their old neighborhood, it’s hot young Harry (who he’s never met before) who accepts his friend request…”

If the Surface Begs You Home

by Anonymous for HL Mpreg Fic Exchange | mpreg | mermaid!Harry | 17k Harry is a mermaid from the underwater kingdom of Mercadia who is a little too fascinated by life above the surface. He’s kicked out of his home after he winds up pregnant, and has to figure out how to make his way in the world. Louis is the darling of the small neighbouring seaside village who came home after university to take over their local library, and can’t seem to stay away from the mysterious pregnant mermaid his friends introduce him to.

Out of the blue corner

by fallingaway | boxing | slow burn 85k Louis is a boxer banned because of doping. Harry is a journalist following the story. * * * “It seemed like a normal morning, but he had a feeling it was the quiet before the storm. And by storm, he meant getting involved in Louis Tomlinson’s life.”

[kxtyura]

Tagged by @rainbowpaladins​ bc she a big ho Rules: answer these 85 statements & tag 20 people

the last: 1. drink: Water 2. phone call: uhhh my mom 3. text message: ... also my mom. i tired to ask her what something was and she told me the price of it. 4. song: something by ryuseitai but i dont remember what lol 5. time you cried: like four hours ago lol have you ever: 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: not that i know of?? 10. been depressed: probably 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: na favourite colors: 12. red 13. milennial pink ™ 14. uhhh blue 15: i dont like anymore colors 16: im an artist and honestly i couldnt tell you the shades of any blues or reds i like in the last year have you: 17. laughed until you cried: yes 18. found out someone was talking about you: uuh ye 19. met someone who changed you: mmm ye 20. found out who your friends are: idk yea? 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: na 22. made friends: i hope!! 23. fallen out of love: na general: 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went and got japanese with daisy lmao. i feel like we did something else too but i dont remember what. did u sleep over?? 26. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life :i.. dont have facebook. im not a wine mom. 27. do you have any pets: a dog!! his name is banjo!! also two birds!! lucky and... aussie wtf. And a cat!! his name is charlie and i l o v e him 28. what time did you wake up: this post is scheduled lol but my alarm goes off at 7 on monday so probably 7 29. what were you doing at midnight last night: once again scheduled, but last night i was asleep at 12. tonight.... ill be posting this lol 30. name something you can’t wait for: uhhh i dunno to meet my friends n stuff. 31: what are you listening to right now: tryna find a cool yakuza documentary to watch tbh 32: have you ever talked to a person named tom: yea he catches my bus and hes tall as FUCK 33: something that’s getting on your nerves: my anxiety idk 34. do you want to change your name: uhhh im trans yes please change my name 35. hair color: brown 36. long or short hair: short 37. piercings: i have my ears pierced and thats all lol 38. tattoos: the permanent marks of marker on my left hand clearly 39. blood type: im four i dont know my blood type 40. nicknames: jay kitten wife son idk 41. relationship status: gay 42. zodiac: aries 43. pronouns: he/they 44. most visited website: chrome tells me its tumblr so thanks for being my most visited hellsite tumblr. 45. right or left handed: ambidextrous but predominately right handed 46. surgeries: once my eye almost popped out of my head because im allergic to mozie bites so i had to uhhh get my eye not popped out. probably others when i was a baby but idk 47. sports: i...... do ice skating. 48. favorite tv show: at the moment boku no hero academia im so pumped 49. vacations: my parents went to china without me and my dad and brother are going to america without me so. not goin anywhere this year. might go to europe next year. 50. sneakers: i bought a new pair yesterday! theyre blue and grey more general: 52. eating: its 11:55 pm im not eating my dude 53. fave drink: uhh i like melon soda but idk if its my favorite. strawberry milk tea maybe. 54. what you’re up to: im chillin in bed after finishing my essay. gotta start my prsentation, but... no. might draw some ocs. yakuza yuuri. 55. waiting for: the sweet release of death 56. want: to never do school again 57. get married: sorry im married to my ego bye bitch which is better: 60. hugs or kisses: kisses are weird and hugs are... also weird i guess but theyre better lol 61. lips or eyes: fucked if i know i dont care 62. shorter or taller: ive never liked a person Ever. i dont care. im basically always in the aromantic area my dude. 63. older or younger: eh idc.  64. nice arms or stomach: stop asking me relationship questions im a fetus 65. hook up or relationship: neither i just said im aro ace 66. troublemaker or hesitant:is this a question about me or more questions about people. i have no idea. have you ever: 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: no 69. lost glasses/contacts: i lost my glasses for a week turns out they were on my bedside table 70. turned someone down: i think so but it was like three years ago lol 71. sex on the first date: sex... never. 72. broken someone’s heart: there was this kid who had a crush on me and he was nice at first then he started getting creepy so i basically just stopped talking to him so probably lol 73. had your heart broken: nah 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: id cry if i stepped on an ant 76. fallen for a friend: hah yeah that happened literally when i was like 11. she was cute i guess idk. we went to a convention together. do you believe in: 77. yourself: depends on the day lol 78. miracles: eeehh 79. love at first sight: not really but idk 80. santa claus: santa claus is dead my dudes 81. kiss on the first date: do what u want. live ur life. idc. 82. angels: why not lol other: 83. current best friend’s name(s): rachel n rosa and daisy i love u all boos 84. eye colour: my eyes are hazel but more on the green side. trendy. 85. favourite movie: i dont really have favorites but i watched the wind rises recently for an au with rachel so... u kno

Tagging: @snxgsobaka @lady-stroopwafel and idk maybe @aisudream if u wanna idk yall are like the only people ive ever talked to on here

[keziacole]

tagged by @bumbleblossoms​ - thank you! 

Tagged Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coffeeeeeee

2. Phone call: My partner, just as they left the dentist. :( 3. Text message: Motherbot 2.0 4. Song you listened to: Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction 5. Time you cried: Uh… some point in the last couple months, I guess? Not sure when, but it was at something related to dogs. Honestly, I did most of my crying last year, during The Year From Hell, and I’m still a bit dried out.

6-92 under the cut. :)

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: As in getting back together again? Nooooo. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: …yup. Often. Sometimes not until a long while later, though!   8. Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge. 9. Lost someone special: Yep. 10. Been depressed:  Eh, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, so no, I don’t think so. Situationally really fucked off with things? Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Once. Story time, everyone! 

So, I generally have a really good alcohol tolerance and a cast iron stomach (not necessarily for good reasons, but hey), but I did once go to a party that ended very badly. I was about 17, had recently been diagnosed with CFS, and was on a heavy painkiller regimen. I drank when I shouldn’t really have done so, because bullshit and All the Emotional Drama, BUT… I did not know that my friend’s asshole brother had spiked my drink. (He was a peach. Gave his 14 year old brother acid once just to point and laugh at the result. Fuckin’ hated that guy.)

At some point in the evening – somewhere after the sham marriages, interpretative dance, and someone putting someone else through a table, because teen parties – I realised I was wayyy more wasted than I should have been, despite the painkillers, and I ended up spending all night hallucinating and throwing up, plus feeling horrific for about three days afterwards. 

Moral of the story: if you spike people’s drinks, you are a gigantic bag of toe lint and should suffer mosquito bites on your asshole for a thousand years. The end.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Purple 13. Red 14. Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Not yet. Befriend me, tumblr, you’re my only hope.  16. Fallen out of love: No, though I have watched my relationship with at least one family member crumble into dust. Does that count?  17. Laughed until you cried: At least four times a week. Which is one big reason why I’m marrying that motherfucker.  18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. See 16. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not yet.  20. Found out who your friends are: Yes, sadly. It sucks when you realise how effectively someone has manipulated the people around you.  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah, I don’t really do the FB thing. I should, I guess?

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: See above. I kind of have a profile, but I only use it to message people I’m related to who are freaking obsessed with Facebook and won’t communicate any other way. Ugh. So… most of them? I guess?   23. Do you have any pets: One dog – Hector, a grumpy and elderly terrier - down from two resident mutts and a boatload of fosters. Older dog died last year, and I’m not in a position to foster right now, which sucks, because I miss having a house full of beasties, not to mention making a difference. 24. Do you want to change your name: Already have done/am doing! I have no real interest in keeping up with more than 80% of the people I’m related to, and I never liked my birth name, plus this is easier to spell and dictate to people, and isn’t known by the abusive assholes in my life. So, yay! 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Ordered pizza and watched favourite movies with my partner. We did The Blues Brothers and shit-talked the progression of police militarisation in the US over the past 30 years, and it was incredibly fun, despite the fact we’re 3000 miles apart right now. Also, they remembered my birthday, which is more than can be said for over two-thirds of the people I’m related to.  26. What time did you wake up: 9am, but in my defence I was up until 3 last night. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking shit with my partner, knitting an afghan, and watching foster kitten cams and reviews of awful movies together, because these are good ways to help someone who has a dental appointment in the morning try to stay calm. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Getting my current backlog of work finished. Sooo clooose…. Promised myself a movie and gaming binge when I’m done. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Last week. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Either having enough money to fix all my problems (yes, in this case, money most certainly can do that), or just being on the same continent as my partner, so we didn’t have this immigration thing to worry about. Not having a debilitating illness that fucks everything up would be pretty awesome, too.  31. What are you listening right now: Freddie King 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, many Toms. All the Toms. Well, like, five plus. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Not knowing whether or not the electrician is going to show up tomorrow, which will mean I need to move the paintings and quilt top I currently have all over the sitting room floor. I’m not done piecing that thing yet. Grr. 34. Most visited website: Lots. Mostly Google, Politico, Reuters etc., but I’m living on eBay right now because I’m trying to sell off a bunch of DVDs, books, and vintage glassware. …Does anyone want to buy some vintage/antique glassware? 35. Mole/s: Yep. I had one removed from my back once. Turned out to be benign (phew!) but I got an interesting scar out of it. 36. Mark/s: I still have a faint surgery scar on my elbow, but it doesn’t look as Frankenstein-y now. Most of my scars have faded, but I still have some weird idiosyncrasies from things that have been broken or busted up. 37. Childhood dream: Writing was always my main thing, but also acting/directing. Illness took that away. Other than that, I always wanted to live somewhere rural with lots of animals, and be happy.  39. Long or short hair: Long. Lots. It’s huge. Send help. I like both on other people.  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Not right now. Give me ten minutes and a new Fet profile to stalk and I’ll get back to you... 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m a creative dynamo and I don’t stop until I fall down. I’m also proud of the fact that I’m a pretty compassionate and patient person, and I like the fact I’m slow to really anger. Someone told me recently I’m a very stabilising influence, and that was nice to hear. I feel like life can use more of that.  42. Piercings: Ears (two left, three right), nose (left). More on the way, maybe, when I can justify it.  43. Blood type: ???? I should check. I know the NHS won’t let me donate blood because of my medical condition, which blows.  44. Nickname: Zia. Some people call me Kez. One person is allowed to call me Admiral Fuckface McAsshole III.  45. Relationship status: Open relationship with my primary partner, technically speaking. Poly is good, but my planner is too cluttered for anarchy.  46. Zodiac: Aries w/ Aquarius moon, Virgo ascendant. I also have Mars and Venus in Taurus, so mooooo. And yes, I did used to do natal charts for beer money. I read palms, too. I’d still do it if asked nicely.  47. Pronouns: They/She. I don’t mind feminine pronouns, because I’m incredibly cis-passing and most people will assume “she”, plus I can live with being labelled female if it’s a binary choice, but I see myself more as a person than a gender, so I love that neutral pronouns are being used so much more now.

FWIW, I considered whether or not I was trans for a hot minute when I was a younger teen, because I used to love passing as a boy when I was a kid (until puberty at nine. Boo.), but for me it was the difference in how I was treated when I passed as male that mattered. It was the difference between “Oh, isn’t he confident and intelligent?” and “Hello, sweetie, don’t you look pretty today?” that affected me, not a real sense of dysphoria, so I decided the problem wasn’t really in how I presented, but in society itself. I have yet to really find a satisfying way of rectifying that, but I think we’re all making progress as a society. It’s very slow progress, sadly.   

48. Favorite TV Show: I don’t watch that many series, but Star Trek (especially TOS and DS9), X-Files (S1/S2), Game of Thrones, old mystery adaptations (all the Agatha Christie ever), Stranger Things, Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad… can’t think of anything else right now, but there are some. 49. Tattoos: One black and grey dotwork spiral goddess on my arm, next one coming soon (watch this space, now I’ve found an artist!) 50. Right or left hand: Ambidextrous. Yes, I can write with both hands. Sometimes, I switch in the middle of the sentence. No, it doesn’t look the same. I can also operate light switches with my toes from a standing position.  51. Surgery: I fucked up my ulnar nerve a couple of years ago by blacking out and falling on some stairs. It was melodramatic, and I lost the use of my left hand. Had surgery to correct it. I was awake but a bit sedated, and spent most of the time talking to the cute anaesthetist about chastity cages. Because... sedated? Yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sadly, he did not call, though I’m pretty sure he did a lot of googling when he got home that night.  52. Hair dyed in different color: Always, since I discovered Olaplex, which means I can actually bleach my hair without it completely frying. Most recently, I’ve had a mermaid fantasy in turquoise, green, and purple, but it’s faded a lot. Not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe orange, or neon yellow again. 53. Sport: I can’t do much without turning blue and blacking out, but I’ve always enjoyed tennis, badminton, swimming, and equestrian stuff. Is hiking a sport? Hiking’s fun.  54. Do you use sarcasm a lot: Um... 

55. Vacation: Last one was to see my partner; next one will be too. So, the woods of NEPA. Hiking out with some granola and my favourite human, and spending a few days playing with shelter pitbulls. <3 Otherwise, I’ve never really been on holiday. I went on a school trip to Germany once where I nearly got arrested and, when I was seven, I went to Malta and there was a hurricane. I remember wedging wet towels into the window frames and hoping we didn’t die, because we were on the twelfth floor and there was nowhere else to go. 

I did go to Norfolk with my mother for four days after her breast cancer diagnosis. Macmillan, a cancer charity that is very worthy of support, granted her a short break. There was a lot of playing dominos and trying to convince her she wasn’t actively dying at that precise moment.

56. Pair of trainers: Converse. All the ratty old Converse low tops in the world. 

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I have the house to myself right now. It’s awesome. I’m celebrating with homemade shiitake tofu stir fry, wontons, vegetable udon… and doughnuts. Not in the same bowl, though. 58. Drinking: Rum. 

59. I’m about to: Finish a short story, close out an editing project, format a print galley (again. Goddamnit, Adobe.), and try to finalise the running order of a poetry collection. Maybe send some emails, maybe eat the rest of those wontons.   61. Waiting for: The dizziness to go away, usually. 62. Want: The time, space, peace and quiet to focus on my work, and my health to cooperate long enough for that to happen. 63. Get married: As soon as possible, which basically means when we can afford it, because immigration, legal wrangling, and a ton of other bullshit. It’s a headache, but if there weren’t so many technical hurdles it would already be done.  64. Career: I write and make stuff. I’m doing it under a new name now, which is daunting, because it means starting over again, but I’ve spent the past few years doing a lot of genre fiction and being told my original work is “too original”… but I’m ready to say “fuck you” to that and see what I can carve out for myself. Come on, internet: don’t prove me wrong, ‘k? 65. Hugs or kisses: Ooh, tough. Yes? I guess hugs if I have to pick.   66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: I honestly don’t care, though I do very much enjoy short subs. Pocket rockets are adorable. 68. Older or younger: It really doesn’t matter. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I guess? Doesn’t really matter. It’s all pretty to look at, but who really cares? Arms are best for hugs. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. I don’t like too loud. 72. Hook up or relationship: Define the terms, yo. I’d say relationship, but the definition of “relationship” can be open to numerous things. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Um… possibly a bit of both, but more hesitant, probably.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I once dropped a contact lens down the back of a gas fire and spent three hours getting it out with Vaseline on a paperclip. My vision is awful and I wore very expensive gas permeable lenses at the time. 77. Turned someone down: Yup. 78. Sex on the first date: Nothing wrong with it (and nothing wrong with sex being the date), but it’s not for me. 79. Broken someone’s heart: So they said. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes, but not how you might assume. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Yep. 83. Fallen for a friend: A couple of times, with varying degrees of success.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: I try to, because few other people often do. (*the world’s tiniest violin plays*) 85. Miracles: Yes, sometimes in the form of coincidences, surprises, or the results of hard work. I believe in inverse miracles, too, when things go catastrophically wrong for no apparent reason. Or, as we call it at my house, Tuesday. 86. Love at first sight: Yes, in a way. Potential for love at first sight, I guess? I’ve usually found I know the moment I meet someone whether that’s a thing that’s going to happen or not. 87. Santa Claus: YES, DAMN IT. Okay, maybe not a literal dude in a red suit, but as a personification of the generous spirit of Non-Denominational-Winter-Solstice-and-Festival-of-Lights, he works. (I’m an eclectic neo-pagan/hedgewitch, but my most loved time of year is the whole October-February period, so I start celebrating Yule/Christmas around December 1st and don’t stop until Twelfth Night. I will take ALL of your symbolism, ALL your traditions, and – most importantly – ALL your festive foods and embrace them. In my belly. Thank you.)

88. Kiss on the first date: Probably. Unless it’s a baaaaad first date. 89. Angels: Again, not so much the literal sense, but it’d be nice to think there are positive presences looking out for us. I’d be very concerned about the serpent-like pillars of fire, though.  

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Aside from my dog, that’s my partner but they don’t like their details shared, so SHHHH IT’S A SECRET. 91. Eye color: grey-blue-thing 92. Favorite movie: You can’t just ask a person that at the end of the thing like it’s a simple question…! So. Many. Movies. Depends on the genre. The Blues Brothers, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Gattaca, Silence of the Lambs, Re-Animator, Die Hard, Stand By Me, Sleepaway Camp, Alien, Lady in a Cage, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, TRHPS, The Great Escape… those are movies I can watch a billion times (and have done). Honorable mentions, depending on my mood, go to things like Basket Case, Caramel, An American Werewolf in London, Exterminating Angel, Secretary, Gran Torino… I could have done 92 questions just on the most popularist movies I like!

tagging: I’ve been away for a few days and I don’t wanna tag people who’ve already done it, so if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! <3

[altruistic-meme]

I kinda want to hear more about your cats 😂

Honey, this was a bad plan. XDD Ready to hear more then you’ve ever wanted to know about my cats? No? TOO LATE!

 + Max and Ruby are the oldest two cats  + we adopted them somewhere around… 6-7 years ago, with their sister, Nicole (R.I.P)  + tbh these cats must be so confused bc our mum has had mood flashes where “they have to stay outside!!” comes up at least once a year  + usually followed by us slowly letting them trickle in until she gives it up  + but they were originally only indoor cats, then only outdoor, then both, outdoor, both, indoor, both, outdoor, both, outdoor, and we’re back to both :’)  + Max used to be so freaking fat  + like you have no idea  + my cousin actually thought he was pregnant, it was hysterical  + Ruby is the biggest priss ever  + a while ago, no pets were allowed on my parents bed (all the cats are allowed now)  + but Ruby was allowed. Ruby was always allowed  + also she is??? The lightest thing ever??? I’m not kidding I don’t think she even weighs over pound??? How is she related to Max????  + Ruby is also really really soft omg  + I feel the need to mention here; Grey(r.i.p), who was the sweetest cat on earth. She was also really soft and shed everywhere but we loved her anyway and I miss her so much  + don’t be fooled, Max well come lay on you and purr  + (he has an extremely loud purr btw)  + but then comes the drool. How does a cat hold that much drool???  + and then he’ll start biting. Hint: he also won’t stop easily  + also he has been really interested in our food lately idk why  + Smith is terrified of the dogs (especially Iggy)  + but also the dogs are terrified of her (except Iggy???)  + her name is an acronym for Skinny Mama in the House  + bc her original name was Skinny  + but now it should really be Fmith bc she is no longer skinny  + she let herself go  + she had six kittens but one of them has been missing for a few months so we think he’s gone  + which sucks bc he was one of my favorite cats: Bat(R.I.P?), who was really big boned and took things from one sisters room and dragged it under someone else’s bed, then took things from their room under someone ELSE’S bed and it was a never ending chain  + I think Blue is trying to live out Bat’s legacy  + he stole my mp3 player, and earbuds (they weren’t even attached wtf Blue??)  + Bat also would play with the devil-dog aka Iggy  + Blue brushes up against my dog, Sophia and she looks at him in confusion  + when he was still small he curled up at the spot where my neck and shoulder meet??? When I was leaning back and it was so cute  + he had since stopped doing that  + not that I’m offended he got REALLY fat xDD  + Rosie’s full name is Roosevelt Thorne  + it wasn’t originally  + we thought he was a girl  + by the time we were like “oH SHIT ROSIE IS A BOY” the name had already stuck so we came up with a compromise  + (also everyone in the family jokes about him being trans bc of this, including my mum who doesn’t really do lgbt+)(not in a mean way tho dw)  + IT’S ALYSS NOT ALICE  + tired of that but my oldest sister named her after Alyss from the “through the looking glass” books  + she is the devil  + she will literally climb on your shoulder with her cLAWS  + it freaking hurts  + also if you start to bend down to let her off SHE WILL LIE DOWN  + DON’T DO IT  + she climbed onto my friends back and laid down immediately  + she likes that friend (@angelofmusic)  + she is so??? Skinny???? And yet weighs more than Ruby somehow???  + Armin, yes he’s named after the aot character  + his name was originally going to be Aaron but our mum complained at us to change it since it is our brothers name  + he’s v v cuddley when he sleeps in my room  + other than that? Avoids it like the plague  + he’s very sweet???  + not many notes on him ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  + (that’s probably a good thing tbh)  + Forest is either being really sweet or a complete jerk there is no in between  + she’s chubby af, just like Max and Blue  + she had this really cute white dot on her belly adfgk I love poking it  + she had the softest fur on earth!!!!!!!!  + she gets tossed outside bunches bc she growls at us sometimes  + Socks is the newest addition to our large family of cats  + he had only been inside three times  + once to get bathed and we took him to the vet afterwards  + another bc his ear was injured so he stayed in my room for a few days  + finally a few days after we let him back outside huge came in of his own choice, cuddled for a bit, then left  + I haven’t seen him in over a month  + but he was really sweet and really liked to be pet

I think I’ll let you guys free with that :’)) honestly I have 9 cats(not including the two that have passed and the one that disappeared), I could talk about them for years and still have new material. 

But yea!!! If there’s anything specific you’d like to know then just ask! I love talking about my pets they are all so cute!

(I also would’ve added pics but I can’t get good ones rn RIP)

~Sleepover Saturday~

[julianmatthews-yt]

Trigger warnings: Talks of suicide, overdose, self harming, bulling, scars, beating, blood, violence, depression

Mun note: The way I envision this SP to play out like a documentary. Lots of cuts and photos. Light background music. So keep that in mind when reading this.*Italic a is voice over, over pictures or video. I’ll try my best to as detailed as I can.

The video opened up with Julian in his normal room like every other video he’s made but with not loud intro. “Hey guys, uhm....as you can tell this video is a lot different then all of my videos. I’ve always wanted to be every transparent with you guys. I’ve always be honest and open with you guys.....besides this one big thing in my life and that’s because......all of my life that’s that got me beatin up and attacked.” he paused for moment. “And I’m tired of being the victim...This video will explain it all and I hope it’ll help other.” The video faded out to black

Julian sat up on a stool in front of a backdrop. “This is very strange.” he said looking around. Pictures of his past started fading into view. Staring from the most current picture and going back; soft music playing in the background “My name is Julian Jackson Matthews. I was born on the 14th of February 27 years ago, 5 mins before my sister Kayla. I grew up in a smaller then small town and I have 2 beautiful kids. At this current moment I have almost 16 million subscribers on YouTube.” There was a pause as a picture for his and his sister’s first birthday came into view. Both of them wearing “Birthday Girl” hats. “And I am transgender..”

“I think from the moment I was able to have a real thought. Like real...awareness to myself is when I knew something was just not right with me.” “I think it was like 3 or 4 years old when I first fought my mother about wearing a dress.” He laughed. “I hated them. I hated that everything was pink in me room. I played with my brothers trucks and I kinda started tell me mum and dad that I was a boy. When I went in to preschool we were learning how to spell our names and I hated my name. So Kayla knew this and went to dance one day and met an older boy who’s name was Julian and that was just one more letter then Julia. So that’s now I decided I wanted to be called Julian. Because it was only one letter more and I didn’t have to learn now to spell a whole new bloody name.” He laughed. “Cause that’s how 5 year old minds work.” 

More pictures of a young Julian came up “My parents never exactly told me “No, you’re a girl.” or at least that I remember.” The green haired man shifted on the stool he sat on. “I was about 8 when my parents brought me to a therapist because at that point I’ve been consistent and I actually saved me head at that point. Which me mum was SOOO not happy about. That’s when I first heard the word Transgender and it like blew my mind. Because I thought something was wrong with me kinda. I knew I was born in the wrong body and this was something I could change. It would take a long time but I could change it. And that feeling was great so I burned every girly thing I could. Stole my brothers hand-me-downs and was happy! I started taking testosterone pills when it was about 12 or 13.....but I was becoming a “real boy”....but that’s also the time in life when kids get very mean....”

“Ever since I was very young kids would pick on me cause I was the girl who played with trucks and not doll but as I go older and my transition continued the worlds turned into fists. I’ll spare you the sob story of my life for now but from about 10 to now I’ve been constant beaten up for be transgender....and that is whats made me so fearful of the world. Because once people knew....they wanted to hurt me. Everyone I’ve ever told....besides Zac.”

It faded out to his twin sister “Everything good that happened to Julian happened when he needed it the most. YouTube, his kids, but most recent was getting a best friend that he always needed. Julian may not admit it and Zac probably doesn’t know it but he saved my brothers life the day he found him on the train. He honestly did....and I think just being there and being his best friend. Jules is just so much happier now having someone who knows him and accepts him and just loves him for the person he is.” Videos of Zac and Julian came up. From that one video he did to the random vlogs Julian did and Zac appeared in them. “Him and Zac are a very unlike pair but I think in a way they needed each other. He’s made Julian have a bit more of a back bone. Enough that I don’t think this video would have happened if it wasn’t for Zac.” Kayla smiled. “I don’t know what Zac as gotten from Julian but I like to think that everyone is just a little bit better for meeting him. Because when the world has shown him nothing but hatred for most of his life, he still does everything he can to be a good person and show kindness.” “Zac’s head his just gonna blow up from this.” Julian laughed. “Like....he’s cocky to start with. Lord knows what this is gonna do to him but yeah....when we met I called him a fuckwit and told him to fuck off and we’ve been friends ever since.” The man laughed shaking his head and he bit his lip. “I love him though...he’s more then my friend. He’s another brother. He’s my family....even if he doesn’t think of me that way. He’s still my family and someone I love and care for. Whenever he needs someone I’ll be there because he was there for me when I didn’t even know I needed him.”

“18 is the legal age to get a sex change operation and you be you ass I had it set for February 15th.” he laughed. I’ve been saving since I was 16 at that point because it’s a lot of money and....and growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. Like it was hard and I had to go without medication sometimes and I was old enough to get it but my body didn’t react well to the switch of hormones that happened sometime but I lived.” the scene cut from him on the stool to him standing in front of the back drop pacing. Kayla’s voice came from off camera, she spoke in Gaelic so the subtitles appeared on screen. “Are you okay?” “Yeah...” he said back before everything faded to black with a warning. WARNING: If you are sensitive to beating, scars, depression, self harming or talks of suicide, please skip ahead.  ((Next paragraph)) “I was beat up. Sometimes just left on the ground to die. I’ve been cut....whipped. Thrown in dumpsters and walls. Had glass bottles thrown at me and broken over my head. Broken bones. You name it it’s been done to me....so much that I started hurting myself.” Julian came back into view with his shirt off. His pale body did nothing to hide his scars that literally covered his body “So this right here is the surgery scar form my surgery on my chest and you kinda see this one here. It looks like a c-section scar to take out my ovary's and all the fun stuff in there. For the record my kids are mine. Save me eggs and got a sperm donor. Kayla carried them for me...anyway....um...all the other scars are from me or others. It was kinda hard not to fall into a depression when basically everyone in the world is trying to kill you or make you feel like death...” he said looking down at his own body. “I wanted to die....so much. I tried a few times but I luckily failed at killing myself. Actually I was in the hospital when Kayla went into labor with Luna because I over dose on my aint-depressions. And it was like 6 months after that that when I was at home...” he paused as tears welled up in his eye. “I-I was home.....with the kids....late. REALLY late and I tired to kill myself then. I....i cut my wist pretty bad and S-sam....”Julian sniffled letting tears roll down his face, voice braking as he spoke. “Sam came in....he saw the blood and just looked at me and said “Papa gots a boo boo. I’ll fix it.” and he did. And he he told me he love me and....and that’s kinda when it hit that I was the most selfish person on the planet. I had these two beautiful kids...that need me. And it doesn’t matter to them who are what I am...I’m their papa....and they need me....”He dried his face and showed his wrist that had Sam tattooed on one and Luna on the other on top of deeply scared skin. “I got them there to remind myself that hurting me is hurting them....”

Everything faded out and then to Julian on the stool, talking to someone off camera “I have a lot of good in my life...and I tend to forget that....I have my family, my subscribers.....Zac and Willow! She a new friend...I hope we’re friends. She such a lovely lady. Fucking smart too!” he laughed. “I’m fucking 27 years old and have just two friend. That is so sad. Dakota has tired....but for some reason we just do not click and I am so sorry about that cause he’s such a lovely man.” he laughed letting his hand drag down his face. “Like the dude handles Zac for fucks sake he’s gonna be awesome but...” Julian threw his hand up with a shrugged. “I don’t know....maybe he’ll watch this and become friends after this. I wanna be friends we just don’t click...with is very odd given who my best friend is. You know what this round two. Dakota we’re gonna go get some dr- Oooh wait...can he drink? How is he.....Fuck man. If he’s under 21 I am busting all the balls when I get home.” The man laughed and shook his head as he bit his lip. “We’ll see how shit goes after this video is posted.....I’m actually terrified of when this goes up. This is gonna change everything....and that’s just blood insane. One video that changes your whole life? I mean....that would be the first time that happen to me but still....” he sat there for a moment letting everything get quiet.

“The same day I left to come here to make this video, part to of a game called “A Normal Lost Phone” when up and that game is about a transgender girl name Samira or Sam.” Clips from the game came up and he talked. “Game starts of as her as a boy and you go along with the game and see her figure out that she trans and that she would never be accepted by her family. So she just runs.” Julian comes back on screen thinking for a moment. “And.....and I recorded it all and sent to my editor and I instantly called my mum sobbing. Because, first off I realized how lucky I am to have a family that accepted me from the start of who I am. And second that I am Sam...I played off the whole game like I wasn’t part of that world because of how scared I was. How scared I was that no one would accept me because how cruel I’ve seen people been. I have about 16 million people watching me. That a huge amount of people who can accept me or destroy me. This honestly is a something that can change my career and whole life....and that’s what’s scary about it....but I’m also not scared. I delayed putting it up for a few weeks but finally did I didn’t plan on making this video. I think the combination of that game just constantly being on my mind and the fact that I got jumped made me just snap and I had enough. I’ve checked the comments of that video, the part two because that’s when everything falls into place and you figure out whats going one....and the comments are nothing but positivist and that video has already help people who are trans come forward in my community...so I’m not afraid of what my community will think of me. It’s the world because I am on display for everyone 24/7. I’m one of the “big guys” on this platform so this is gonna go beyond YouTube....and that’s were my fear is. That outside of my little community and world everything is just gonna be destroyed and then find it’s way to my safe place which is my channel.”

The video cuts to moments of his comment section on the video he talked about and the positive coming from everyone before show him with his two older brother, sister and parents. Them all just laughing and talking as Julian’s voice came over. “I hope this helps people more. I hope I gave people a safer place to come to. A place where your not judge for being who you are and who you wanna be. No one should be ashamed for that....and it’s okay if your scared. I was too...” It came back to just Julian sitting and talking to the camera. “But I think you need to look around and look at the people who do love you for you and find comfort in them. And if you don’t have someone right there, you have me. You have this community. They don’t have to be right next to you or someone you see daily to make you feel loved and safe. Your safe here...and I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays safe. I’m always here. I’m always here to talk to you when you need it. I’ve always been an acting part of this community and I always will be. So please...remember that. But I promise you that good times will come to you. Please never ever give up on yourself because better days will come. I really do promise you that....even with all the shit that’s happen to me. I am happy....and I think things are just gonna get better for here. I.....I have hope....” Julian smiled and let out a heavy sigh with a big smile as everything faded out once more