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shattered-catalyst · 4 years ago

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OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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writingkeepsmewhole · 4 years ago

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Tattoos

This is part 4 of Angel Eyes sorry for not posted in ages. But I found this on a flash drive from like 2017 so I edited and thought I should post it. I hope you like it.

Fic Summary: This is backstory to kind help people understand Dean and Callie’s relationship. Sam, Dean and Callie go get tattoos :P

Dean Winchester x OC Claudia

Warnings: Language maybe?

Taglist: Let me know if you want to be tagged. @magssteenkamp @deanwanddamons @lemondropirwin @vicmc624 @lilulo-12 @eternalevie @all-will-be-well-love @akshi8278

Part 1 Part 3

Walking into the bathroom I bent over untying my boots. Kicking them off I stood up and met my green eyes in the mirror. Reaching up to take my hair down I stopped when there was no longer a black string around my wrist. I quickly opened the bathroom door shocking Sam he was behind it and I almost hit him.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked dropping his bags by the door and walking up to me. I was taken back when he grabbed my arms softly as if I was going to pass out.

"I lost my antipossion charm." I say biting my lip.

"You what?" Dean and Sam asked, clearly mad.

"I didn't mean to. It was on my wrist and I guess it must have broke."

"Great, what are we going to do now? I doubt Booby just has another one laying around." Dean asked, throwing up his arm and walking away from me.

"Even if he did, who says she wont lose it again." Sam says sitting on the bed.

"I'm right here, ya know. Maybe it's in the hotel room."

"We just got here. I doubt you lost it in the past five minutes." Sam said.

"Well it's not like I can just tattoo the thing to me." I said throwing up my arms and moving to the door shutting it, probably a little too rough., but I hate being treated like I'm five.

"Wait a minute." Dean says, making me turn to face him.

"Why not get it tattooed. It would get rid of having to keep up with it. And plus its one sure way, no demon would ever get into us ever again."

"That's not a bad idea." I say agreeing. "I always wanted to get a tattoo anyways." I say shrugging.

"And what if I don't." Sam says standing up.

"Oh come on Sammy it's common sense, to get one." Dean says lifting his hands.

"Yeah, it's the smart thing to do." I say smiling, getting butterflies about the thought of getting tattooed.

"Oh and what are we meant to tell the person that does it?" Sam asks.

"The truth. It looks like some tribal tattoo that people walk around with all the time. The worse case they think we are weirdos but there still going to do it." I say sitting down beside Dean on the bed.

"Callie is right, money is money. They don't care as long as they get paid."

"What if they only take cash?"

Sighing I throw my head back hitting Dean's shoulder.

"Then we go to the bar, play a little pool and go back. With cash. Why are you so against getting a tattoo?" I ask

"Yeah, Sammy it can be on your ass for all I care." Dean says laying back on the bed's headboard making me fall, sence I was still leaning on him.

Glaring up at him I sat back up, only getting a small laugh out of him.

"How do we even know it will work?"

Sighing again I laid back on Dean's legs reaching back to grab my phone off the nightstand. Flipping it open I pressed 3 it calling Bobby.

"Callie, it's 1AM what the hell do you want?" Bobby answered sound sleepy and mad.

"Sorry Bobby. I didn't realize it was so late but I have a important question."

"About what?" He said trying to be helpful but not hiding his anger.

"The charms you gave us. If we tattoo the symbol to ourselves will that work the same as wearing them?"

"What kind of idjit are you? Of course it will work. Next time you decide to bother me while I'm sleeping make sure it's a damn good question."

"Sorry Bobby, just wanted to make sure."

"Yeah, yeah."

"I'll let you go back to sleep. Good night Bobby. Sweet Dreams."

"Yeah, I'll bet." He says hanging up.

"He is mean when he is sleepy." I say looking up at Dean as I close my phone.

"What did he say?" Sam asked.

"Looks like your getting inked up, buttercup." I say smiling at him.

Sighing, he clenched his jaw.

"I'll be in the car. Hurry up." He says walking out to the car grabbing his jacket as he went.

"I think he needs a nap. He is a little grumpy." I say looking back up at Dean.

"I think you're right. Better not keep him waiting." He says smiling, clearly enjoying this as much as me.

Sitting up I walk to the bathroom grabbing my shoes and sitting on the tub to put them back on.

"Where do you think I should get it?" Dean asked leaning against the door frame to the bathroom.

Looking up at the ceiling I bit my lip, thinking of where a tattoo would look good on Dean. The first thing was anywhere. Shaking away that thought. I thought of where I like tattoos on guys.

"Hmm... Shoulder, shoulder blade, or chest." I say tying my boot and pulling on the other one.

"What about you. Where are you going to get it?"

"I don't know. I don't want it super viable. Like I don't want to have to worry about people being like what's that?"

"I think you should get it on your ribs." Dean says as I finish tying the other boot.

"Why the ribs. That's the worse place to get a tattoo." I say standing up and walking out of the bathroom, feeling Dean follow me.

"Well one because it's hot and two I know you can take the pain." He says making blood rush to my cheeks.

"Is that so?" I ask turning to face him, a smirk finding my lips.

I almost smack myself for how flirty that sounds but it's hard not to when you have Dean in front of you.

"Yeah. You're kinda a badass." He says smirking and winking at me.

I laugh softly, him joining me. Rolling my eyes I shake my head a little.

"Maybe." I say walking to the door, stepping out into a soft sprinkle.

"Rain!" I say smiling up at the sky loving the cool drops on my heated cheeks.

"What was about not being five?" Dean asked behind me and pinched my side, making me jerk a little.

"Shut up." I say sticking my tongue out at him, earning a laugh.

I jump when Baby's horn goes off. Looking at Dean's price postion I see Sam sitting in the front seat looking like a parent who just cought his child having sex.

"Again, I repeat, grumpy." I say looking back at Dean and stepping off the curb to get into the car.

"Why not bug him a little more." Dean says opening the driver door for me.

Taking the hint I get in and move to the middle, Sam clenching his jaw making me laugh.

"Oh don't be so grumpy. It's only a little seat sharing." I say poking his hard jaw.

"Just can we get this over with?"

"Damn Sam, Bobby is not the only one that’s mean when he is tired." Dean says starting the car backing out.

"I just want to get this done so I can take a shower and get a few hours in before I have to get up in the morning."

"Hey, you're the one who wants to run before dawn." I say shrugging.

One look from Sam is enough to make me shut up and hold up my hands as a surender. I lean into Dean to get away from Sam before he bursts a blood vessel. Feeling bad for now getting up front, for wanting to bug him more.

Maybe feeling the same or seeing Sam's face. Dean lays his arm over my shoulders and pulls me closer to him, giving Sam as much space as he can get with all of us up front. Leaning into Dean's side I close my eyes and just listen to the rain picking up and hitting the Impala's roof. Moving his arm down, I shift slightly laying my head on Dean's shoulder, feeling completely relaxed. No not relaxed. At home.

When Dean's neck starts vibrating with him humming I let myself enjoy it till the point of my eyes don't want to stay open anymore.

I softly smack Dean's chest, making him stop.

"What was that for?" He asks sounding shocked.

"You're making me fall asleep." I say a yawn leaving my mouth, making a laugh leave Dean's.

"Dean, maybe we should go back to the motel. Let Callie sleep."

"Oh your not getting out of this that easy, buttercup." I say sitting up and looking at him, making me slightly dizzy but I ignore it, it fading quickly.

"Yeah, because we are here." Dean says pulling into the parking lot of a tattoo and piercing shop.

Getting out of the car, I quickly follow Dean to escape the picking up rain.

"Welcome. What can I do for you?" Asks the tattooed bearded main at the front desk.

"Hi, we're looking to get a tattoo. We heard this was the place to come." Dean says, making the man laugh.

"Well that'll be right. I'm Chet, nice to meet you." Chet says holding out his hand to Dean.

"Dean." He says taking it.

"And you Miss?" He asks looking down at me.

"Callie." I say waving and smiling.

"And the tall fella?" He asks looking over me at Sam.

"Oh that sour thing is my little brother Sammy. Sammy come say hi." Dean says waving him over.

"It's Sam." He says holding his hand out to Chet.

"Well, nice to meet you folks. So like I said before, what can I do for you?"

"We all three want this." Sam says handing Chet a piece of paper with the simbel roughly graw on it.

"You draw this yourself?" Chet asks, taking the picture and looking down at it stroking his beard.

"Yeah, I did. Look, not to be rude, but can we hurry this up I would really like to get some sleep." Sam says, looking tired.

"Well just slow down there a minute." Chet says not even the least bit surprised with Sam's mood.

"How big are you three talking? Because if you want something huge It's going to be more than one trip. Plus you have how are you going to pay and where you want it at."

"No bigger than three inches." I say getting an agreement from both the boys.

"Altight. That will be 75 each. That's without color."

"You take credit?" Dean asks.

"Yes, sir we do."

"Well, let's do this." Dean says, pulling out his wallet and handing him his card.

I'm a little surprised when he doesn't look at it or ask for ID.

"Alright, well let me go draw this up and you three can talk about where you want it and who goes first." Chet says taking the picture Sam drew and walking in the back.

"Sam you can go first." I say sitting on one of the black leather couches, Dean sitting beside me.

"Why do I go first?" Sam asks sitting in a plastic chair across from us.

"Because you won't have to wait you can go out and sleep in the car while we get ours done." I say like it's obvious.

"Okay sure, whatever."

"Man he really is tired." Dean says laying his arm on the back of the couch.

"Yeah, well it will be over soon and we will never have to worry about it again." I say smiling up at Dean, because I would probably just get a glare from Sam.

On the note I could feel his death glaze burn a hole in my head.

"So did you decide where you are going to get yours?" I ask, whoever wants to answer.

"I'm working on it." Dean says winking at me, making me roll my eyes.

"What about you Clauda?" Sam asks

"Still thinking." I say biting my trying to think of where would be the best place.

All three of us fall into a comfortable silence waiting on Chet. He returns around thirty minutes later.

"Alright I got everything all set up. So who is going first."

Both me and Dean pont to Sam.

"Alright, son, follow me back." Chet says holding the beads hanging over the door out of Sam's way.

"Be nice!" I say getting a Yeah, Yeah and a wave from him.

Chet laughs and walks thru the door with Sam in front of him.

"So, you really don't know where you are getting yours?" Dean asks looking down at me.

"No, everywhere I think don't seem right." I say biting my lip.

"I have an idea." Dean says.

"Oh gosh." I say covering my face, slightly worried.

"Well at least hear me out first."

"Okay fine, fine. What is your idea?" I ask, looking up at Dean to meet bright green eyes.

"You pick for me and I pick for you." He says shrugging.

"That way if we can get an outsider's thoughts on it."

Smiling, I nod my head.

"You know I really like that." I say, saying exactly how I felt.

"See and you didn't trust me."

"Oh, I trust you. I trust you get me into trouble by putting it on my forehead."

Laughing Dean ran his hand down his face.

"I was thinking more your cheek but if that's what you want to go with, its your face darlin'.'' He says pulling me closer to him and tickling me softly.

Giggling I push his hands away, just as Chet and Sam walk out.

"Well that was fast." Dean says, sounding halfway disappointed.

"Yeah, I'll be out in the car." Sam says doing just that.

"Alright who's next."

"Me!" I say standing up and walking over to Chet.

"You gonna bring your boyfriend with you?" Chet asks nodding at Dean.

Blushing at the boyfriend comment, I ignore it and turn to face Dean feeling dumb since he is picking the spot for the tattoo.

"Oh, yes, yes, yes!" I say running to him and grabbing his forearm just to pull him up from his seat.

I hear Chet laugh behind us making me wonder exactly what life he thinks we have.

Following him back into the other room, Dean laces his fingers with mine making me smile up at him. He quickly returns it making my stomach do flips.

"Room three." Chet gestures to the last door.

Dean quickly takes the lead pulling me behind him. When we step into the room I can help the rush I get when I see the chair with the gun beside it.

"You okay?" Dean asks looking down at me.

"Yeah, why?" I ask, confused as why he would ask that.

LIfting our joined hands he lets go to show me how my hand is shaking.

"Oh. They're the good kind. Here feel my heart." I say taking his hand and placing it to my chest before I can think.

Realizing what I did I feel myself blush a little but I keep his hand there. He is my "boyfriend" after all.

Smiling Dean moves his hand up to my neck, pulling me to him to kiss my forehead.

"One hell of an adrenaline rush huh?" Dean asks moving so Chet can get to his spot beside the chair.

"So do we know where we want it?" Chst asks when he sets down.

"He does." I say pointing to Dean and moving back a little.

"Oh, alright what'll it be son?" He asks looking up at Dean.

"She wants it on her rib. Here." Dean says placing his hand on my right side just under my bra strap.

"And you're okay with that?" Chet asks looking at me, making eye contact. I guess to see if I’m lying.

"Yes, it's perfect." I say telling the truth.

Feeling all at once how I could not picture it anywhere else.

"Alright well take a seat, I'll fix the chair once you're on it. Dean there is a stool in the hall if you want to grab it so you have somewhere to sit."

"Alright." He says walking out of the room quickly returning since the stool was just outside the door.

"Is this your first tattoo?" Chet asked, fixing the chair so he could reach my rib easily.

"Yep." I say popping the P getting comfortable on my left side.

"Well let me tell you it's going to hurt a lot."

"She can take it." Dean says sitting on the stool my face becoming even with his belly.

"Well just let me know if you need to take a break. Don't worry though I got 20 years under my belt. Or should I say gun. You’re in good hands."

"Thanks Chet." I say smiling at him and laying my head on my left arm, my other one laying in front of me.

"Lift your shirt for me please." Chet says.

“I got it." Dean says before I can even move. Pulling my shirt up I feel as if it's in slow motion but maybe that's just because I'm suddenly very aware of how many scars I have on my stomach and hips.

I realize that it's not Dean seeing them, it's Chet. I can hear the questions now. But they never come. Instead I feel something like paper being stuck to my sink.

"So you from around here?" Chet asked, one of us.

"No. Road trip. She got it in her head that we all should get tattoos."

"Hey! It's for a good reason." I say sticking my tongue out at Dean even though he is not eye level with me. Well he is never eye level with me.

"About that if you don’t mind me asking. Your brother said something about it being in the family. He didn't make much since. He was not in a chatty mood.

"Yeah, it's been in his family for years. All the way back to the tribes. The people believed that it could keep you from getting posed." I say smiling a “what the hell smile”.

"Oh thats a new one."

"Yeah, but like I said she got it in her head. So it had to be done. But at the end of the day it's a badass tattoo."

"That it is." Chet said starting up the gun making a buzz fill the room.

"Ready?" He asked from behind me.

"Ready." I say as Dean seems to shrink down to my level. Him pulling the lever on the bottom of the stool. He still has to bend down a little to be eye to eye with me but that's better than nothing.

When the needle of the gun first touched my skin it felt like I was being punched so hard it made my ribs brake. Groning I clenched my jaw and grabbed onto the nearest thing which happened to be Dean's forearm.

"Are you okay?" Chet asked, pulling the gun from me.

"Yes" I say closing my eyes and groaning again.

"Man that hurts worse than getting sticked up." I say taking a deep breath thru my nose and blowing it out of my mouth.

"Should I keep going?"

"Yeah, keep going." I say moving my hand to Dean's.

Feeling the pain again I bit my lip so I didn't make a noise. It still hurts but this time I knew what to expect. It felt like someone was digging a white hot nail down my side.

After a minute it slowly turned into a dull pain as my skin in that spot went numb.

"Dean is it?"

"Yeah." Dean says pushing my raven hair off my face.

"You got a keeper. Never have I ever seen a first timer get a tattoo on their ribs and be this quiet or still."

"Yeah, she is good at that."

Laughing I moved my right arm over my head and looked down as best as I could watching Chet wipe away ink from my side.

Smiling at the butterflies again I laid my arm back down. Dean laying his hand on the back of mine lacing his fingers through mine.

"That scar on her hip. I walked in on her sewing it up herself." Dean said, sounding almost like he was bragging.

"Yeah and you should have heard the ear full I go for it." I say, smiling softly, my eyes closed.

It seemed to help with the pain, the less I talked. So that's what I didn't do. I lay there listening to Dean and Chet talk about me and what happened so I had to get sewn up. Dean came up with the lie that I was a nurse in afghanistan. That's where we met, that's where the scar he was talking about came from. If only it was that noble. When really it came from breaking up a bar fight between Dean and some dude hitting on me very, very hard. To the point I almost stabbed him. Dean did walk in on me sowing up and I did get an ear full. But it was not just him telling me how I should not have tried to break up the fight. Or sow myself up.

It had a mix of the crystal green his eyes get when he is hurting. It didn't take two glances to see that he was mad at himself more than me. He thought it was his fault.

Always dose.

"Callie you alright?" Dean asks, making me open my eyes and look up at him, a yawn leaving my mouth.

"Well I guess that answers my question." Chet said laughing.

"What?"

"I thought you passed out of something. I told him you were fine but he wanted to be sure."

"No, yeah, I'm okay. Just listening to you talk. Your voice is relaxing." I say smiling up at him, making him scratch the back of his head telling me I embarrassed him which didn't happen often.

"Well you're halfway done. So finish your nap." Dean says, trying to laugh it off.

"Thanks." I say smiling and closing my eyes.

Lucky me Chet started another conversation with Dean about what all he has hunted.

He went on about telling him something about a bear which I think was one of the werewolves we have killed or maybe a windigo.

"Alright, you are done." Chet said, turning off everything.

"Can I see?" I ask sitting up a little. An ache in my side.

"Let me clean you up first."

Nodding I layed back on the chair and poked Dean's chest making him look down at me.

"How's it look?"

"You'll like it." He says smirking down at me.

"I better." I say sticking my tongue out at him.

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