#(it's funny i didn't really miss the endings since i binge and getting both opening and ending between episodes takes too long

[everykawamatsu]

First new ending since Raise/Enies Lobby!!

(It's so sweet that they got Otsuki Maki (who did the 1st and 2nd endings) to sing the first ending in ages ;__;)

[feuqueerfire]

Wandee Goodday Ep 7 Live Blogging

Whoop whoop 2nd week in a row that I'm managing to watch the show right after it airs. Although I did consider not watching it for 1-2 days so that I can finish my binge watch of Unknown (I'm so excited to see petty Yuan in ep 8 heh) but thought I should just watch this one before I find out everything that happens through tumblr and twitter posts.

I'm in sort of an angsty mood, esp after the last few Unknown eps that I've watched, so I'm expecting some angst here too. Eps 5-6 of Wandee have been happy and fun while they ignore their feelings and problems, so I need some of that to burst and cause issues.

Ep 7 (June 15)

7-1

showing a little support for psychiatry, though idk how helpful it is to make somebody go when they don't really wanna go

Does Yak want a mouth kiss if he wins?

Yak finds a photo of Ter and Dee in a book and it casts doubt in his mind ig

ohhh Dee was planning on throwing it out but in the end kept it and he had even written "love Dr. Ter the most" on the back

pls Kao's frustration as the audience stand-in

"...might lead to losing them"

Did Ter hear the part that gives away that they're not real bfs

well, he knows they're not dating fr anyway but still the audacity to confront Yak like this

Ter using his knowledge about Dee gained for the past 8 years against Yak, agh. like you knew him all this time and must have known he liked you and yet now that he's finally moving on, you can somehow take action? piss off

both Unknown and Wandee have boxing

what is up with these grown ass adults not being able to live without seeing each other for a few days T.T you shouldn't even be thinking of not going to Japan bc you won't see Yak for a couple days

Why is Dee basically he sniffing Yak's armpit in the gym showers

7-2

Yei just watching Yak sneak out lmfao

fuck I think Ter's gonna somehow be here? I didn't watch the preview but I saw a screencap of Ter and Dee while Dee was in the tiger outfit or whatever, though I think somebody mentioned it was at Ter's place

speak of the devil...

oh, Yak's got a keycard to Dee's place, did we know that?

why is Dee at Ter's bruh

let's fucking kill Ter, I actually cannot anymore

I do think it's funny how neither of them are commenting on Dee's literal tiger sex roleplay costume lmao he's even got a headband!

Dee needs to snap out of it, get up, and leeeeeaaaave

now Kao is here too?

the costume isn't for you to appreciate, Ter stoppppp >:((((

why the fuckkkk did Ter start leaning in, I actually need this man dead and gone, get off my damn screen

and then spilling wine on himself and wanting Dee to help cleanup and now he's practically naked in his fucking boxers, I wish I could be normal about just disliking Ter but I am immature about my hatred for him the same way he's immature about his ways trying to get Dee

TER IS OPENING THE DOOR IN HIS BOXERS?!?!? AND DEE'S ALSO IN HIS TIGER COSTUME IM GONNA LOSE MY SHIT AGHHH

[Linguistics] oh damn Yak uses meung with Ter in anger

aw man T.T I get Yak, why did Dee say Yak always uses violence? I don't recall Yak being violent before this???

Yak breaking up, returning the keycard, taking the necklace back, ouchhhhhhhhh

Yak leaning on Taem

Aw man, Dee being sad at the necklace being gone

I think I would like it if for the rest of the ep + some of next ep, they're separate about doing their own stuff and missing each other and spending time with Ter & Taem only to realize they don't feel the same as they used to and when they come together again (hopefully sometimes next ep, I don't want it to be solved this ep tbh), it's with real feelings and confession. I think I also want Dee to confess/start the conversation since he's the one who fucked up (I know I ragged on Ter but how did Dee even let it go through all those steps omg)

fuck I saw 1 second of the preview and aghhhh I hate Ter, who could've guessed. I have some stuff to do so I'll be back for the next 2 parts later, though they're quite short compared to the first two parts.

7-3

back to watching but I'm having lunch so I probably won't type much

T.T

Ter realized his feelings alright. i don't know that i believe you lol, though maybe it's true since Ter's drunk while he's saying it

okay Ter accidentally fell, I thought he was gonna attack Dee from the 0.2 sec preview

dang, Yak's the one who leaned back and didn't kiss Taem. It seems like Taem wouldn't have been opposed to it?? Did she fall for him some time in the past few eps

7-4

oops was checking at the bottom timing bar how many minutes the show actually is before previews start (9mins) but got spoiled for the last scene of the ep

Damn, Yak's imagination of Dee and TEr really has him facing a humiliating defeat against Luke's character

I get P'Yei like despite everything going on in Yak's life, this is still his job and him winning was necessary for himself, the gym, money, etc. or at least put up a fair fight, not whatever that was bc of a fight with his fwb-fake bf that he has real feelings for

Aw, Wandee came back immediately and found Yak at his favourite place or whatever

Yak crying nooo

why am I suddenly paranoid that this is also Yak's imagination lmao

ah, indeed Yak had asked for Dee's first kiss

and Dee kisses him even though he lost

the kisses are mid but it's fine

damn, a hospital ball next ep? and how is Ter even in the show still wtf

I wanted angst and sadness and I got that but the way we got there was fairly contrived. Ter's sliminess I understand but Dee going through so many steps without just... leaving is like ?? I get that he may still have feelings for Ter that makes him not think straight or whatever but c'mon... am I supposed to believe Dee would actually go to Ter's place and have dinner there in his fucking sex roleplay clothes that he put on to have a candlelit dinner with Yak? and the violence comment was like... no? Yak's pathetic fight was also like... why.

The first kiss was also not impactful because we've established for 7 episodes that it's something very monumental to Dee + it's something that he wants to do with only somebody he really likes, so to have it 1) be a "consolation prize" and 2) come before they discuss their feelings or anything is resolved feels incomplete. It's not a grand or romantic moment the way their first kiss should have been. I don't wanna go back to goofy dance show or whatever next ep...

idk, this ep was a bit of disappointment in terms of storytelling and the way we're exploring emotions, I hope they can turn it around. They have 5 more episodes and so theoretically they have time to do stuff well but also... they have time to drag everything out lol

The necklace though T.T

[absolutebl]

Hi. Thank you for your blog. I really love it. I've recently become hooked on BL Dramas and binge watched a lot of them whilst I was stuck at home with covid for a couple of weeks (Bad Buddy, Why R U, To My Star, Light On Me, My Love Mix-Up! & TharnType) I love a good romantic comedy and was wondering if you have a top 10 list of BL dramas that have the best comedy in them. Thanks 😊

Ooo, a fun ask. And thank you for the compliment. 

So most BLs are romcom adjacent now. Since the lighter hearted "Thai style" has come to dominate the genre. And specifically following the American style classic romcom beats and tropes (e.g. Lifetime, Hallmark, or 80s Hollywood heyday) is actually pretty rare. But here are some...

Top 10 BLs that are RomCom-esk!

These are the 10 I think most closely would be called a "rom com" if they were to be spat out by Hollywood.

In no particular order... 

1. My Love Mix-Up! AKA Kieta Hatsukoi AKA Vanishing My First Love (Japan - Viki) 

Honestly this is pretty much Japan giving us a classic yaoi romcom. It's very Japanese about it, so lots of slapstick but it is quite funny and spastic and full of caricature, meme-able moments, and awkward encounters. The only way it's not a romcom is that it didn't end on a kiss. 

2. Cherry Magic AKA 30 Years of Virginity Can Make You a Wizard (Japan - indie subbers or Crunch)  

A bit softer on the extremes of humor than Mix-Up but equally charming. It has adult characters and an office setting so it is smack dab in the romcom wheelhouse. In this one a lot of the humor comes from hearing everyone’s thoughts. Also, doesn’t end (quite) on a kiss, but almost. 

3. 2gether & Still 2gether (Thailand - GMMTV’s YouTube) 

I think you can safely call this a romcom. Is it actually funny? You decide. But I think that the drunk scenes in both seasons are comedy GOLD. Win is an under appreciated physical comedian. 

4. Puppy Honey (Thailand - GMMTV’s YouTube) 

Okay so, it’s two parts and the first is mostly het, and the second is about 50/50 but I think it qualifies. And the whole think has that slightly absurd edge that makes in romcom-esk. 

5. Why R U? SiafahZon (Thailand - Viki) 

I wanna say that the SaifahZon’s story arc in Why R U? is a romcom (or intended to be) but FighterTutor is not? So 50/50 split? Does that count? Eh, I don’t have many options so it’s going on the list. 

6. YYY (Thailand - search me) 

This is more of a farce than a romcom, especially the special (aborted second quarantine season) and it is ... odd. It’s kind of BL does Diary of a Tootsie or something. I don’t know, I’m always confused by this show. (Origin of YoonLay tho.) 

7. Secret Crush On You (Thailand - sigh) 

This is definitely an attempt at a romcom. I forgot about it because I DNFed and I really did NOT like it. But yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s trying to do. 

8-10. GMMTV’s Failures 

You’ll notice there are quite a few from Thailand that didn’t make it. I think they missed the mark even though they were trying for romcom (Fish Upon the Sky, Thonhon Conlatee, even Enchanté). GMMTV seems particularly bad at romcoms, although they will keep trying. (Don’t get me wrong, I like Enchanté, but it’s not very funny even when it wants to be.) The success of 2gether drives GMMTV to try to recreate that magic (when really they should stick to SOTUS style BLs, more drama than comedy, like Bad Buddy). I say this knowing humor is subjective but none of these really made me laugh consistently. 

I’m leaving these ends spots open to add more in the future, I hope. 

Sirs Not Appearing On This List

Love Stage!! both the Japanese version (not recommended) and the Thai version (currently airing) I think would qualify. If the Thai version goes well I’ll come back and add it to the upper list. But I have to reserve judgement, as this is a very difficult yaoi to adapt for a modern audience. 

Ossan’s Love both the set of Japanese movies and the newer series from Hong Kong are kind of romcom soaps. So dramadies? Soapymas? But I don’t personally like them at all. 

I would probubly put Gen Y into this category too - soapy romcom. 

This kind of BL is always uneven - they aren’t sure if they want to be taken seriously or laughed at or laughed with. 

There are a couple of self titled BL sitcoms airing right now, Oh! My Boarding House (Korea) and that one from Thailand I can never remember the name. I wouldn’t call them romcoms tho. 

In general Korea, Taiwan, Vietnam, and Mainland China seem to take their BL too seriously for comedy, although there may be some shorts out there. 

It could be argued that 49 Days With A Merman is going there but I find the characters backgrounds a little too dark, and don’t really enjoy the humor that’s beens showing up. Also it’s still airing now, so may not be a BL in the end. 

I have a few gay romcoms on this list: Old Guard Queer Cinema for BL Lovers

(source)

[thanks-mike-stamford]

Fics that inspire my writing - Part II

This is Part II. Read Part I or Part III

Continuing the discussion, I grouped these fics together for something they have in common: author style! It was actually a bit hard choosing them because they are all written by authors who have a distinct style. Something in them that makes you recognise the author right away, that makes you think - oh yes, definitely is a story from this person. When you have a bunch of stories with the same kind of feel, it's hard to choose one to illustrate my point. Tip is: binge read the authors below!

Part II

I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew You by etothepii Back when there wasn't even s2 yet I was already reading stuff from this author. I absolutely love their fics. This one is super interesting, a Good Omens fusion book version - beyond numerous screaming posts on the internet I'm not really familiar with this universe.

Something I like in all their fics and it's worked beautifully in this one is that there's more than it seems under the surface. The characters are not an open book even to the reader, and the narrator (close Sherlock POV) doesn't give all the information. The narrator sometimes doesn't even explain the information we are given. The facts are presented piece by piece, building the layers of a character, making it clear that even if right now, for this story, it's not relevant, this person is a complex human being (or angel. Or demon) that doesn't exist solely for the purpose of the plot. Two factors help with this: the non-linear narrative, that permits we only know a part of someone when it becomes relevant; and the sort of omniscience of Sherlock. I say sort of because yes, he's a demon and he has access to the core of someone. He's able to fish for stuff that happened in someone's life and how they feel about that as a way to build their vulnerability to sin. However, this is not necessarily mind-reading or future prediction. He makes deductions based on the soul, let's put this way. But because he can't use it to predict exactly what is going to happen, he still gets surprised. Because the characters are layered, they are able to be consistent with what we know and yet unexpected, up until the end.

The combination of giving powers to the narrator and using non-linearity is brilliant, working to enhance the themes behind the plot, which are about the complexity of the human soul. I'm working on a WIP that has similar themes and I try to play with these aspects to make it smooth like this story, instead of a philosophical essay using voices of characters. I've tried the non-linear narrative in a published fic, but it didn't have the same level of success in serving the story. Let's see if it goes better when I try again.

What It Is by toyhto This author has two main things going on in their fics: the type of angst that makes you question yourself, and the type of humour that is not really about trying to make you laugh, it's a very weird type of humour. I love weird stuff.

This fic is not Toyhto's best angsty one or best humourous one, but it's one that creates a good mix of both, like a tragicomedy (but without a tragic ending). You have John not knowing how to feel about Sherlock, and Sherlock gambling possibilities on how to fix the situation. It's the narrative that fascinates me. The story keeps its cards close, the reader is often a bit uncomfortable, a bit wrong-footed. You don't know where the story is going (hell, sometimes you don't even know where a scene is going), so you keep hanging up until the end. There's an underlying panic in how characters interact, but it's never hysterical, it's never loud or obnoxious. And then you find yourself snorting in situations that shouldn't have been funny. Life is usually not one genre or the other, so why literature should be? I love that the story never tries to be something (sad, funny, intriguing), and yet it is. It's not easy to pull something like this.

I have a WIP currently on my drive folder where I try to play with this tragicomedy narrative thing. This fic inspires me in trying to keep the reader on their toes all while looking effortless.

Borrowed Ghosts by DiscordantWords DiscordantWords has been out there since 2016 showing how there's more than a way to fix canon. In fact there are multiple ways. This is the author you want to go if you watch the show and think eeh this should have gone a different way. There's probably a story in here which takes the same premise you thought about.

This one is just too incredible. Because it picks up right from a crucial point in canon and said - ok, what if everything still happened, but they actually make sense? For this story consistency is key, and if canon gave us a John Watson making bad decisions while nursing an unreliable brain work, that's what you get. But make it make sense! This is what happens when you are on a roll of bad decisions, this story tells me. This is what happens when you're isolated from what before kept you on track. This is what happens when on top of everything your mind is playing you tricks: they don't just stop because you decided to. That's not how it works. This story acknowledges the bad stuff, but to fix them it doesn't propose miracles, and it definitely doesn't ignore them. We get the consequences but we also get the process of change that is necessary for things to be good once again. Like John says: there's a difference between wishing something happened differently and wishing it hadn't happened at all. But it did happen, so now what?

Make it canon divergence but character consistency and twist it to fix it, it's what inspires me in this fic.

The Ancillus's Tale by Chryse I reiterate that everything by Chryse is a must, but everyone that follows me on twitter had to deal with me constantly gushing about their most recent work for months, so it will be this one here. I just have a lot of feelings about this fic. Oh, yes, omegaverse again, inspired by The Handmaid's Tale.

The one aspect that comes to my mind when I think about Chryse's works is dark themes. If I want to read about fucked up stuff happening, I will go to them. And this particular fix has fucked up stuff from the first to the last chapter. And it's very immersive: you get inside the head of whoever is POV at the moment, Sherlock or John. You get their physical reactions, their thoughts, you know what they know. And the world building is on point: detailed enough that is totally credible, you can see reality becoming that way, but it's not described to exhaustion. We are presented the info about what we need to know, and rest is there, somewhere at your peripheral vision where you know it exists but it doesn't become a nuisance to the plot. But more important than that, it's how the dark themes are treated. It's never on black or white situations, surprisingly, despite the universe setting. The characters especially - they are allowed to have conflicted feelings, they are allowed to misbehave even if they are supposed to be on the good side, they have nuance and complexity. And the cherry on top: just because it has a dark premise, it doesn't mean it can't have a super satisfying happy ending that even brings comfort to the soul after letting it being hurt. We get snippets of comfort, the promise it's going to happen all along the fic, to compensate the extreme suffering the characters are going through. It's glorious.

I have been toying with the idea of writing something on the dark side. In fact my next multi chapter is super fucked up (but as always, with the certainty of a happy ending), and I hope it can see the world soon. I'm writing with this premise in mind: characters are allowed to have conflicted feelings, and they are allowed to misbehave, that won't make them the bad guys.

This was part II! If you missed part I, just click here. Part III is up!

[minyoonkeeks]

Pairing:Jin x Reader

Word Count: 4k

Summary: It was one thing to love him in secret, but when you think he might like you back it changes everything. (90% Fluff, 7% Angst, 3% I don't know what this is)

Warnings: None really, there is 1 mention of throwing up for like a second and a few mentioning anxiety but nothing serious

A/N: This is the first fic I've ever decided to write. I hope it resembles him a bit, but it was fun writing. I don't know if I'll continue either, I just hope I did Jin some justice (:

---

Becoming his friend always felt natural, kind of like mac meeting its cheese, or peanut butter finding its jelly. He was sweet, funny, goofy Seokjin. 2 years younger, but no one could ever tell the difference. He was smart, where it counted. He hated bugs, was extra competitive, and loved marvel as much as you. That made your friendship fun. You would chill in his apartment, play endless games of super smash, and compare recipes whenever you found something new you'd want to try. Because you came from different social groups, it seemed odd at first to your friends. They laughed when they couldn't picture it being real.

"No way _____! Do both of you just have pout monologues? Because I would hate to be in the middle of that blab fest!" Hobi joked as he pictures both of you endlessly going off on each other. You both have certain quirks and apparently over talking was one of them. The more you guys interacted when you were all together, the more your friends didn't believe it.

It wasn't until the first time you had all gone to the movies together as a group. Seokjin sat next to you and you could have sworn all the girls gave the biggest groan, making you turn beet red and Seokjin laugh awkwardly. But once all of your friends realised that's exactly what it was, a friendship, they were quick to stand up for it, because there wasn't anything more. Even when your girlfriends started noticing him.

Sometimes, a lot of times, being his friend was hard. He was a 10 everywhere he'd go, regardless of how nerdy he came off when he spoke. When he wore his dumb round glasses around his beautiful face girls would swoon saying that he looked like a lawyer. Sure, he'd never win with his dumb logic, you thought.

When he would have to attend a fancy dinner in slacks and the same blue button up with white stripes on the sleeve citing that it made him look longer even though you swore he was a whole nother you taller. "Look, you just have to go with me, no one else is fun, and they won't bug me if you go instead." He would insist, telling you his parents didn't mind if it was you going instead of another date. That would sting, you were never the date.

When he'd sit and play guitar to pass the time between picking you up from work and your coworkers would stare out the window and wonder when he would notice them. "How do you even function with him, ______? You clearly have the worst taste in guys if you don't find him attractive" one of them would say. 

"Yeah, sure, if you think gumby limbs are attractive." You'd scoff back, even though deep down you knew he was. Those were the most annoying times. Being Kim Seokjin's friend was definitely not easy.

"Hey, hurry up, we'll miss the next screening of Thor and I don't want to miss the credits!" Jin yelled from the lobby, making everyone turn and glare at how loud he was being, at least until they saw his face and proceeded to gawk at him.

"I know, I know, nerd. I don't get how you can watch this for the 5th time in theaters. Like you have a huge TV at home, why rewatch it here?" You quipped grabbing the popcorn from the attendant who just glared at you for calling Jin something other than Worldwide Handsome.

"I already told you, there's nothing like rewatching it with people who get it. And you know you get it or else you wouldn't have come with me anyway" he teased, making that pout that makes your heart flutter a little too much.

Those were most days with Seokjin and sometimes you couldn't take the stares from everyone. The ones that said "Hey why is that short girl hanging out with Jin all the time? He looks like he's babysitting." "Isn't it her though? She's the delusional one, he's way too good to cut her off though, I bet it's pity." You would overhear. You get it. It wasn't ideal for some tall, gorgeous albeit weird man to be hanging out with you of all people, but Jin didn't care because you were friends... friends. That's it.

And yeah, it hurt sometimes, seeing him go on dates, or staying at his apartment when he would tell you to wait for him, even though he was out with a girl 10 times prettier, he always came back alone. Always came back to you.

You had become a confidante for him. Someone who knew a little more, but didn't judge no matter what he did. You were the cool friend, the one everyone could depend on to be there, the one everyone joked to Jin about when they'd tell him to go look after his noona, and you, being as awkward as you were, always played it off when you'd see the pink hue in his cheeks. It never crossed your mind to think any different of him until your regular movie night Wednesday. 

You were binging Lord of the Rings on his couch, in your cookie monster pajamas left over from last time while you sat next to Jin, tired from working all day.

"I guess an office job can wear you out." He chuckled.

"Definitely in more ways than one. My brain can only take so much annoyance from everyone. I just need Aragorn to murder a few orcs and it'll make me feel 10 times better." You said yawning, while Jin just stared at the TV hands on his knees. He seemed out of it for some reason, but your day being as long as it had you didn't want to pry. Sometimes Jin liked silence, and this was definitely one of those times. 

As you watched the elves on screen, bow and arrow shooting towards the dark, you started dozing off on a pillow placed near his lap. You could feel his fingertips rubbing your scalp the way you had mentioned your mom did when you had a hard time sleeping. You could hear him humming a song, your favorite, especially because he had written it for your birthday last year. Things like this made you wish sometimes that people wouldn't joke the way they do. That it wasn't weird for you to be friends, because Jin got you. He knew you were quiet some days, and extra loud others. He knew when you just needed someone to lean on, and you hoped that's what you were to him.

And there in the quiet, as you were almost asleep, you heard him. Three simple words.

"I love you."

It felt surreal and incredibly intimate. But even though you wanted to look up and tell him you loved him too, you froze. Eyes shut, breathing heavy, and panic setting in. You didn't know what to do. You can't tell if he just meant it as a friend. And if he did then you'd lose him, the one person to make you feel like you belong when you really didn't. He kept stroking your head and you told yourself it wasn't a big deal, that you would pretend to sleep, until sleep became real, and in the morning you'd leave just as friends, how it's always been.

When you wake up, you feel really uncomfortable, not being able to get anything out of your head. Over thinking as always, and if this was any other situation, Jin would be the first person you'd tell. But that obviously wasn't possible, so you got up and grabbed you things, said an awkward goodbye and left him cooking pancakes for the both of you.

"Are you sure you don't want any?" He yelled as you were already opening the door to get out of his apartment.

"No it's fine. I forgot I had a meeting to get to and I have to go change and get ready. I'll text you later." You yelled back, trying to sound casual, and not like you were on the verge of throwing up from the anxiety.

You texted him that night and told him you needed to focus on work, that you'd have to go to a few meetings after and you wouldn't be able to meet up. His demeanor never changed, it was always silly Seokjin, always calm,cool, And sweet Seokjin.

JIN: Hey, no worries you're fine. I have to go to a few dinners too, but since you'll be in meetings I'll have to take Hobi or Tae, they're the only ones that like these events anyway.

YOU: Thanks, you should take that girl that you took last time though or you'll end up old and alone. :P

JIN: Maybe, not sure. I'll text you later though, bye!

It was fine right? You would be fine. And he would go out and be his normal charming cool guy self. Just like always. You just needed a moment to get back into the friend zone. And although you'd just lay in bed and lie to him about where you were, you knew eventually you'd have to see him. 

So the day came, well, he more so showed up at your apartment at two am and you couldn't really avoid him. When you opened the door, you don't look up, even though he towers over you. 

"____ what's wrong?"

You can hear the hurt in his voice as he says your name, and yet, you know that if you look up he'll see right through you. So you stare at his feet.

"Nothing just tired from work. What's going on?" You mumble, trying to keep your composure as you look up as him for the first time. He sighs and looks away, scratching the back of his head, trying to figure out what to say next.

"What did I do? Are you mad? I just, I don't know why you're avoiding me, and you tell me everything. So I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." He tells you quietly, as if he was reassuring himself to you. That your friendship meant more than just a few races of Mario Kart or a permanent plus one that he didn't have to explain more than just, "yeah, she's a friend." And everyone would just get it, no questions asked. 

But suddenly you were in his arms, and you can smell the fresh cotton scent you've become so used to. You can feel his warmth when he presses into you and you can hear his heartbeat pounding into your ears. 

It wasn't like you didn't miss him, you did, too much for a friend though. And how were you going to break it to him. That you, the one who's supposed to be the cool noona, who doesn't mind just being friends, was in too deep? How could you tell him so he just gives you time to be his friend again? Because losing him would be way worse than anything else thrown at you.

You squeeze your eyes shut as you wrap your arms around his torso in response to his sudden hug. It was second nature to do so, but this time it just felt like it was the last time and you wanted to hold on as long as possible. He brushed your hair with his fingers, and swayed side to side because he knew that made you smile. You took a deep breath, not realizing you had been holding it in since he had first leaned against you.

"It's ok, _______, hey I'm fine, you're fine, nothing's wrong. I know you need space sometimes, but I can't have you lying to me about where you are when we tell each other everything. I didn't mean to scare you. Hey, it's ok don't worry." He pats your head and holds you close realizing for the first time that you're crying. You clear your throat and back away from him wiping away your tears with your sweater paws, trying to regain a little sanity.

"I wasn't lying, I'm just ... tired." You tell him sounding coarse, more tired than you knew. "Work is overwhelming and I just needed some time to myself. You know me, I..."

"No, you don't,not from me anyway. You don't and I know because I know you _____, like the back of my hand I know you." Jin said, sounding louder than he meant to. Taking a step back and breathing once before continuing, "But, I get it. I'm not sure why, but I get that you need space from me." He looks down and sighs, making your heart break a little more each time. He pinches the bridge of his nose and you know it's his form of keeping a level head. He does it when he's mad, or worse, when he doesn't want you to see him cry. 

He looks at you one more time and you can tell. He's tired, and his pleading look is something you thought you'd never be the cause of. But, what's worse? Leaving it here, or telling him the truth and watching him walk out, for real this time?

"Just... give me 2 more days. I just need 2 more days and I promise I'll come back. I just... I just need 2..." you stare at him, but with your own pleading look this time, you words soft and sad. For what, you don't know. Maybe the end, realizing, it might be the last time he visits you?

"Ok, ok _______. 2 days, but when you come back to me I want to know. I really do, whatever you give me. I'll accept it, just like you do to me. No judgement, no worries. But please, 2 days, come back." He grabs your hand and rubs along your wrist, a sign of affection he was used to giving you as he goes in for one more hug. This time he holds you a little tighter, maybe even a little longer, before he clears his throat, takes a deep breath and turns to walk to his car.

You stare at him going down the sidewalk and breathe, 2, 3. He's almost gone ______, and then you really need to get your shit together before you really lose him, you chide yourself silently.

Jin turns and waves, nodding once for goodbye while he smiles softly. His cheeks puff a little in the lamplight and you can see a glare. There was no way he was crying was there? You'd only seen him do it once when you dared him to eat your grandma's salsa that had a little too much jalapeño causing him to cry out in pain. The confused look you had, made him stop for a second before getting into his car and leaving towards his home.

Lying in bed, you kept twisting and turning, feeling way too hot to sleep and nothing could fix it. You walk to the kitchen and pull out some food, but it just gives you nausea thinking about what just happened so you settle for the milk and cereal.

Why'd you have to be so suspicious looking? Like you did something you weren't proud of? I mean, being in love with your best friend isn't a crime, it's just, not common, especially between you two. You went over the scenario in your head again, thinking about what you should have done differently so you wouldn't have to tell him the truth. You look at the cereal and look at the almost empty carton of milk before you grab a bowl and throw everything in trying to stuff your face and forget. 

2 days, 2 days, to figure out how to tell Jin that you love him in a way that isn't the same anymore. And it's all his fault, his, and stupid Lord of the Rings, that you promised to never watch again if this didn't fix itself.

To say that you were productive in trying to figure out the best way to tell your best friend that you were in love with him was a complete over exaggeration. You lied in bed, eating snickers, listening to old Taylor Swift songs- that you hated, but Jin thought were cute, and cried into your pillow like a maniac. There were moments of clarity sure, where you'd write, or at least begin to write, Jin a letter of things you wanted to tell him. Maybe give him a pros and cons list of being your friend still, but you always came up short, Both literally and figuratively. It was frustrating because at the end of the day, Jin had everything. He had his best group of friends, he had girls fawning over him, he had a stable family, a bougie apartment, and a great job. All you offered were some really intense matches of Capcom VS Marvel, and we all know, Jungkook would be a much better opponent. But here you were, trying to figure out where you went wrong, why you had to take his confession in any other way than platonically, and therefore ruin your friendship.

Day 2 came by after a sleepless night. You called Jin and told him as cool as you could that you'd be at his house no later than 8, and to be ready with Captain America Winter Soldier because it was the best and he couldn't change your mind.

"Yes, I get it. Bucky is your dude, no need to rub it in. Don't forget though" his voice getting softer, "I miss you so hurry up"

"Yes I know, you can't live without me and life is unbearable because you have no one warm to cuddle to. Although, I should definitely charge for being your own personal teddy bear." You laugh, as calmly as you can, nerves on the other end running towards you throat to make you sound cringier than normal. 

7 o'clock came and you got ready. Jeans and Jins sweatshirt, not that he would care. Most of them ended up in your house and consequently on you because you liked that his long arms made the perfect sweater paws. You put your hair up in a bun and you told yourself once more through the mirror, "Hey, it isn't the end, everything goes, and if he does too, you'll survive". You nodded to yourself and put the best fake smile you could as you walk towards your car and get in, driving to your version of the end of the world.

Jin opens the door and his eyes light up in the best possible way. You always admired that about him, his true emotions always on his sleeve, and today, you hoped that his eyes would stay like this even after your confession. 

"You gonna let me in or do I have to shove my way through?" You smile as best you can, telling yourself, only a few more minutes until it's all over, just breathe, you'll be ok.

"Nah, you can fight me first!" he teased and went in for a hug. You inhaled his scent like it was the only oxygen you could ever need in life. It was odd, he didn't let go, and although you hated the thought of doing it first, you knew you had to, so you rubbed his back a second went in for the kill, tickling him in his ribs when he least expected it.

"Really!? Wait, no stop! STOP IT YOU WIN!!" He yells as he pulls you in for another hug, He breathes you in for a second, relaxing, "I really missed you. This was way too long, and I don't know how I survived without you" he sighed, his shoulders slouching into you, even when he could easily engulf your whole body in his large frame.

You blush pulling back and patting his arm in the friendliest of ways, "Back at you! Let's go watch Bucky be a beast!" Hoping that he didn't see you cringe to yourself as you said it.

What a dork, you murmur to yourself as you sit on his couch, knocking your shoes off one at a time. You sit cross legged on the sofa waiting for the movie to start before Jin turns off the screen.

"Hey" he says as he sits in front of you on the floor in the same exact way as you. You look at him, a sneer in your stare as you grab a pillow and throw it at his head. He chuckles as he turns away trying not to get hit. But as he turns back you can see the look in his eyes. It's the same one he had 2 nights ago, and it's the one you knew would come back today.

"Yeah, what's up" you tell him, tilting your head to the side,hoping he can just see the tension in your face and leave it alone.

He stares at you for a quick second, thoughts floating in his pupils about what move to make next.

He gets on both knees and gets close to your face, startling you frozen in front of him. You can feel him breathing on you, and you don't know why, but the sudden urge to cup his face with your hand comes out snd you're rubbing your thumb across his cheek. 

He holds your hand within his and closes his eyes for a second, and you can feel him shaking slightly. Is he nervous? Does he think you'll leave him on purpose? I guess it's now or never.

"Jin, I.."

"I know, and if it makes you feel better, I do too."

"Lies, you don't even know what I'm going to say. Do you always have to win? I mean I try my hardest and it's not fair when your fingers are longer than ..." and his lips are on yours, effectively shutting you up from saying something even more stupid than you already had.

You look around the room, feeling like it's spinning, holding on for dear life to his sweater collar because if you let go you'd collapse. 

You close your eyes and and scrunch your face trying to burn it into your memory. A kiss, that's all this is, but it's not. It's his kiss. It's dorky, nerdy, handsome, beautiful Jin's kiss and it's perfect, just like him.

You slowly wrap your hands around his neck as he breathes you in, turning slightly so you can be more comfortable and pulls back to smile at your dumbfounded face. You keep your eyes closed hoping it wasn't just a figment of your imagination before you hear him chuckle, his stupid Jin chuckle.

"What? Why are you laughing? Is this funny to you? How?! How rude" you aim to slap his arm, but he catches it and grabs you by the waist pulling you in for a hug.

"Don't ever do that again, you promise? It wasn't fun, and I don't know if I scared you when I told you I love you because I thought you were sleeping, but I really meant it." Jin kisses your collarbone as he nuzzles into your neck.

"I didn't know, I really didn't, but I'm glad I do now. This anxiety was killing me, and literally the only person I could tell was Tae and we all know how weird he gets when we talk about our feelings. I mean, remember that one time I-"

"Just, here, -" He places another kiss on your lips, then your cheeks, your nose, and your forehead, effectively making you mush. "At least now I know how to really shut you up when you start your monologues"

"Oh shut up and come here" you smile and you pull him up to the couch and snuggle with him under the blanket. 

This was the one thing you didn't think would happen today, and although you lost maybe 10 years from the anxiety alone, it was definitely worth it, you tell yourself as you look at him while he's singing along to the marvel theme song. 

That's my nerd, my Jin.

[punkscowardschampions]

Mia & Jimmy & Janis

Mia: [Computer Science project that you have to make a company/logo/business cards/spreadsheets/website/everythang you could think of so it takes a full term or whatever and you have to work with each other in every lesson] Mia: Right, I think we should do a law firm for our business Mia: because my dad is so we can actually use examples to make all our products legit Jimmy: what, like no win, no fee? 👍 can do a funny ad piss easy Mia: That is NOT the kind of lawyer my dad is Mia: funny isn't gonna get us good grades either Jimmy: 💔 Dunno who I'm gonna get to chase my 🚑 now Janis: I'm with Chuckles Janis: you're just trying to make this project most beneficial to you Janis: I don't wanna be a vulture when I grow up Janis: go generic as possible or it ain't fair Jimmy: don't reckon your dad needs the free promo any road, rich girl Jimmy: unless this is a cry for help that he can't get the prey Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Mia: Obviously I want to make it beneficial, I CARE about my grades and future Mia: but I'd love to hear your suggestions I'm sure Jimmy: you after a 🏆 or just a 👏 for trying to get an A? Mia: I get As, new boy, I don't just try Jimmy: I get it, you want 🤤😍 Jimmy: there Mia: Don't be so disgusting Mia: If you two are going to try and sabotage my grade, I WILL make my dad make Sir let me move Mia: I'm not being dragged down Jimmy: crack on, we've worked out your dad ain't busy with accidents at work Janis: Like, please try and use all daddy's clout to get that stubborn prick to do anything he's deciding he's not gonna do Janis: I already said I'd do this shit alone and no 🎲 Jimmy: don't sound like him that Jimmy: go on, rich girl, love to witness another failed flex Janis: You reckon we'd get extra points for fluffing our business expenses like your dad or what? Janis: I'll go along with it if we can convincingly hide our fake funds in a tax haven and make ourselves look LEGIT 👌 Jimmy: Me an' all Mia: You know as little about my dad as you do about your own, Janis Mia: you wish he was as crooked too but he's on the right side of the law so Janis: above the law Janis: can't do no wrong in your eyes, so I've heard Janis: but doubt new boy finds your family drama any more interesting than I do Janis: be a fucking law firm if you like, let's just split the jobs up equally and we don't have to talk until it's time to piece it all together Jimmy: I'll have the ad and the logo, tah very much Janis: you mean the fun bits Jimmy: I mean the 🎨 bits Jimmy: rich girl wants her A Janis: obliging Janis: I'll make the website and business cards, I've done it before Janis: Mia, do the data input, yeah Janis: star in Tarantino's ad, you'll love that Mia: No, no Mia: I don't feel comfortable leaving you completely to your own devices Mia: that's not a totally terrible split of the workload but I intend to oversee every step of the process Mia: we have to do a writeup at the end, you know Jimmy: it's almost like the other lass ain't as thick as you'd feel comfortable her being, funny that Mia: I literally want to do well and as far as I know, I'm the only one here who consistently gets good grades Mia: so hostile Mia: I agree that's how we should split the work but I'm not going to just assume you'll both do it well, we can all have input in every part Jimmy: could LITERALLY fill a book the size of sir's big head with all the shit you don't know about what I do well Jimmy: but alright Jimmy: watch me, if you don't get enough of it already, better uniform at work though, don't you reckon? Mia: Oh my God, brag much? Mia: hit the nail on the head with big head 🙄 Jimmy: stalk much? 🙄 Jimmy: least your dad could take my case Mia: It's HER sister that likes you, not ME Mia: get a grip and take it up with her if you're not feeling it Jimmy: I'll still give your dad a bell, chuck him that 🦴 as he's struggling Mia: As I said, he doesn't DO no win no fee, so you couldn't afford him Jimmy: 💔🎻 Janis: Now we've established it's justice only for those that can afford it Janis: and rich girls can do whatever they want Janis: what are we doing first, oh mighty project manager Jimmy: I'll do the logo in blue, sounds about right, that Janis: #bluelivesmatter is already taken for a tagline but I'll get to thinking Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I'll have a think if I wanna use gold for her 👑 or silver for the 🥄 Janis: 🥄 might imply a problem with amphetamines and obviously, you want everyone to know you WORKED for that 💀🦴 all by yourself, you know Mia: You'd know all about that, wouldn't you Mia: taking over the family business, yeah? Jimmy: Oi, it ain't that grim up north Mia: Grim is right Jimmy: Gutted Rosso didn't make you feel like the WAG you deserve on your last visit babes 🤞 next time you'll spot them celebs Jimmy: or you'll keep to Bijou, that glam dress code would never do you dirty Jimmy: 💕 Janis: I get it Janis: you want me to make sure you're infertile Janis: all those cheat days and binges got you feeling unsure, no problem, just ask Jimmy: lend her the 🥄 Mia: You are both SUCH freaks Mia: what does any of that even mean Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: only a freak on the weekend, me Mia: NOT interested, new boy Mia: I HAVE a boyfriend who's a lot hotter than you, right Janis? Jimmy: makes two of us, rich girl Janis: For someone who thinks my bloodline is filth, you LOVE being surrounded by 'em, yeah Janis: bit weird but everyone likes their bit of rough Janis: how disadvantaged is your dad's newest mistress, I mean secretary? Janis: SO charitable 💙 Jimmy: might be northern, sounds like they've been there loads Mia: Are you gay, new boy? Mia: I'll have to let down Gracie for you Jimmy: only for sir Jimmy: he's well fit Jimmy: crack on with letting your bestie down though and if my mum's the one with your dad, tell her she left the oven on but I sorted it Mia: ??? Mia: What EVEN Mia: you're cracked Jimmy: brb gotta go dry my eyes Jimmy: 🐣💕 Jimmy: I do feel #seen tah for that, hun Mia: I can't even Mia: fine, you two come up with our company branding Mia: I'm going to write out all the info to put on our website when it's done Jimmy: Oi, bad blood, you wanna be the star of my ad or what? Janis: no Jimmy: alright, I'll ask sir Janis: good taste Janis: rinse her dad in a fight Jimmy: tah for the meet cute opportunity Jimmy: when he's her dad's new mr I wanna 🎥📸 the wedding Janis: awh, full ⚪ Janis: she'll look adorable in her flower girl dress Jimmy: 🤞 Gracie catches the 💐 Jimmy: she is on a lad hunt Janis: 🤞 Mia's da has a brother Mia don't also want to fuck Jimmy: don't leave us in suspense 👑 does he or what? Mia: Shut the fuck up or I'll show all this to Sir Jimmy: Go on Jimmy: he'll think I'm 😎 and I'll be well in Janis: Do it, little miss perfect Janis: the part where you shit on my dead dad's grave will be well more shocking when I open the floodgates 😭 Jimmy: ⏲ Janis: ... Jimmy: ........ Janis: guess Sir won't wanna pet you no more when he finds out a. you're a cunt b. new boy is interested in your position Jimmy: he'll do til I can get Mr Lucas Jimmy: you can have him back then Janis: LOVE a happy ending Jimmy: I'll look top in my 👰 Janis: gutted about the lack of uniform though, yeah Mia? Jimmy: What do you make your boyfriend wear? 🦺? Mia: New boy, don't even go there 'cos he could beat you down so easy if I asked him to Janis: that means she pisses on him so they know he's hers Jimmy: makes sense that'd be your kink Janis: dog eat dog world, right babes Janis: stories you was raised on come straight out of your dad's man's man motivational speaker bullshit Jimmy: Oh shit, are you my half sister, rich girl? Jimmy: brb gotta pack my shit so I'm ready to move in Janis: get a princess dress to go with that 👰 Jimmy: order my 👑 in XXL tah Janis: can share with your sister Janis: big happy family vibes xoxo Jimmy: 🤗 Janis: get in here sis Janis: finally not a lonely child Mia: Yeah, I SO want 1000s of siblings like you Jimmy: You're alright, I've only got the one brother and the one sister Jimmy: be piss easy to fit us in your palace Mia: You AREN'T invited Mia: might steal the silverware 🥄🍴 Jimmy: I'll leave you a 🥄 to stick down your throat after dinner Jimmy: got some manners, me Mia: That's lovely, isn't it Mia: eating disorders are really serious, you shouldn't make some jokes Janis: respect the 🎨 Jimmy: cleaning the 🚽 after you lot is an' all Jimmy: part of the job description btw, I get that you'd have to have one to know what that means but Janis: 😏 Janis: staff know all your dirty little secrets, babes Janis: better than a tip, like Jimmy: be 👻⚰💀 before I get a tip off her Janis: if we were all walking 'round looking as SICK as her, what would be the point of corroding away her esophagus and not-so pearly whites? Janis: gotta find your own tricks, boy Jimmy: I'll put a ❄️ in the logo for you, babes Janis: cannot escape those coke vibes omg Janis: you're a PR nightmare Jimmy: 😱😱😱 Jimmy: #whitelivesandwhitelines Janis: GREAT slogan Janis: basically done over here and you're just texting 💀💩 Janis: tsk tsk, Mimi Jimmy: tick tock or tik tok if you'd rather Jimmy: 😘 Janis: 😂 Janis: make us a law tiktok, hun Jimmy: starring your dad, OBVS Janis: share that 🤤🤤🤤 with the world, not just the local 18-35s Jimmy: 💰 on him being a 🔥🔥🔥 dancer Janis: all middle-aged white men are Jimmy: DUH Janis: POV- you're my client, I'm overcharging you Jimmy: 🤤🤤🤤😍😍😍 Mia: You're obsessed with me, I get it 🙄 Jimmy: busted Janis: If that's a crime Janis: get to spend more time with your dad than you do Janis: 💘 Jimmy: SO romantic Jimmy: 👨💕 Janis: can't wait 'til he wants a couple grams Jimmy: refill the silver 🧂 Janis: you know it Janis: sugarbowl never tasted so sweet Jimmy: 😋 Janis: careful Janis: her boyfriend WILL fuck you up Jimmy: I get it, he's obsessed with me Janis: can't blame him Mia: OMG Mia: that is soooo fucked Mia: know your family doesn't see blood relation as an issue but he'll 🤢 when I show him this Jimmy: if he's that bothered, he can come find me Jimmy: you've had my shifts memorised since I started Mia: You wish Jimmy: to give him a smack, yeah Jimmy: why not? Jimmy: sounds like a right knobhead Mia: [sends a picture of Pablo like he's a prize bull or some shit gross Mia] Mia: you reckon, do you? 😂 Jimmy: I reckon he looks like a right knobhead an' all now, since you asked Mia: You've got a deathwish like Mia: wow Janis: kindred spirits Jimmy: 'cause you reckon he looks like a knobhead an' all? that's just sense Janis: was talking about her eating disorder which is VERY serious and we MUST NOT joke about Janis: but yeah, the fuckboy radiating from that selfie must be the appeal Jimmy: Soz mate Mia: She doesn't DO boys, I'd save your breath Jimmy: weren't breathing down her neck, that's you Jimmy: I get why now though, it's a blatant crush Janis: Stalking's your kink, right babes? Janis: Or am I just that special Jimmy: [draws these gals as snowflakes holding hands but Mia is melting] Janis: That's good Janis: but horrific Jimmy: #allherkinks Jimmy: [doodles on the picture of Pablo that she sent in hilarious ways] Janis: 😂😂 Janis: Send him that, whilst you're at it, Mimi Janis: really get him 'roiding out Mia: 🖕🖕🖕 Mia: you're both jealous, both for weird freaky reasons Jimmy: Of what? Go on Mia: You're jealous because you think every girl here wants to ride you and I DON'T Mia: because my boyfriend is better looking and fitter than you 💁 Mia: and she's jealous either because she wants me or she wants her own brother Mia: either way 😷😷😷😷 Jimmy: if every girl round here wanted to crack onto me why would I give a shit if you do or don't? Jimmy: all your mates are fitter than you and they ain't close to this paddy school's top tier Jimmy: and you just said she don't do lads so why would she wanna have a go on her brother unless the steroids have fucked him up harder than advertised Mia: yeah 👌 narcissist Mia: neg me, that'll totally make me interested Jimmy: 🤞 it'll keep you well clear Jimmy: that'll do Mia: I want to be working with you as much as you do me, I've said Mia: leave me alone and this can be as painless as possible Jimmy: I get that you're fuming your boyfriend is growing bigger tits than you but that ain't my problem, my dear Mia: So immature Jimmy: still got a deeper voice than him Janis: imagine defending your man this hard when he fully cheats on you Janis: 💔 Janis: daddy all over again, am I right? Jimmy: 🎻😭🎻 Jimmy: Dunno what I'm more flattered by, that you reckon I'm gay after seeing the state of all the straight lads round here or not wanting to ride me 'cause I ain't a cheating dickhead with massive tits or in your dad's case a hair transplant Jimmy: either way, tah Janis: could donate some to the cause, new boy Janis: hair, not tits Jimmy: you could an' all Jimmy: cause a scandal Janis: #cancelling bitches is a solid hobby Jimmy: there you go Janis: can't lose my only beauty though Janis: 🎻🎻 Janis: have to keep being #problematic yourself babes, so soz Jimmy: 👍 Mia: Stop nerd flirting Mia: send me what work you've done today Jimmy: Hang on, I'll 😎🚬 Jimmy: 💕 Mia: Gross Jimmy: What, I'm only fit and mysterious if I starve myself to 💀💀💀? Alright Jimmy: [sends her the work like oh I must be a nerd then] Mia: Thank you Mia: I'll go over this and give feedback later Jimmy: Gross Mia: 🙄 Mia: I've got to do a speech in Politics and Society after this, so I need to prepare Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: 👋 Janis: pleasure as always Jimmy: bit rude if you two get to nerd flirt Janis: what's 'fuck off' in Arabic? Jimmy: تخلص من Jimmy: probably means ILY or some bollocks 'cause I google translated it Janis: beautiful Janis: love double-meaning Janis: Qué te folle un pez espada, new boy Jimmy: ? Janis: I hope you get fucked by a swordfish 💘 Jimmy: [draws their teacher, Mr Lucas, Pablo and Mia's dad all as swordfish so she can vote for who she ships him with] Jimmy: ✔ or ❌ Janis: [❌ out Pablo's eyes and Mr Lucas' junk like no] Jimmy: [IRL 😏] Janis: [does very unflattering drawing of Mia all up on her father] Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: not an A though, is it Jimmy: [makes it even more unflattering somehow like now it is and now it's also teamwork so even better] Janis: 😏 Jimmy: LOVE a #collab Janis: been waiting for a group project to come along Jimmy: rigged it to work with 👑💀 obvs Janis: duh Jimmy: SO obsessed, her dad will get me off though, he can TOTALLY relate Janis: should but it in our ad Jimmy: 🔪🔪🔪🚿 Janis: 😱😱😱 Jimmy: 💘 Janis: Sir will kill that role Jimmy: Literally Janis: ha ha 🙄 Jimmy: Chuckles is right 🤡 Janis: keep 'em coming Janis: 👑💀 might have an aneurism Jimmy: 🤞 might get an A if she dies Janis: it's what she would've wanted Jimmy: you do love a happy ending Janis: who don't Janis: be my tragic family's fault, no doubt Jimmy: so I've heard Janis: not gonna apologize, new boy Jimmy: weren't waiting for one Janis: 👍 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: please stop nerd flirting with me Jimmy: you started it Jimmy: calm YOURSELF down, mate Janis: did I fuck Jimmy: neg me, that'll totally make me interested Janis: [IRL 😏] Jimmy: [sends her a pisstake version of the logo to fully drag Mia] Janis: is it RGB #374E88 though Jimmy: what? Janis: it's called tory blue Jimmy: is it? Jimmy: [does a colour corrected version immediately] Janis: Better Janis: solid 🥇 Jimmy: Tah Janis: [the pisstake business card with the logo for her dad] Janis: we've absolutely SMASHED it Jimmy: I reckon we can go Jimmy: 😎🚬 Janis: alright Jimmy: [IRL 😘 to sir] Janis: [we're loving this so hard but gotta hide it] Jimmy: [strutting out cos bad bitch global] Janis: [when you wanna go for all the reasons but also the rumour mill would go off immediately so you're like hmm] Janis: [fuck your life amirite babe] Jimmy: [gutted we ever have to end this convo so same]

[adore-holland]

Hot Chocolate

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Warnings: Ehm... none, I think?

Summary: An afternoon walk turns interesting when you run into your ex.

A/N: I hope you enjoy this! It was fuelled by my Shirin music binge and a weekend of about no sleep. It’s not edited, but here’s to hoping it still makes sense! 

Small droplets of water fell peacefully against the large tiles on the pavement. Dark clouds covered most of the sky, and the soothing sound of the rain seemed to have the same effect on the rest of southern London. The whole city just felt lazy, there was no other way to describe it.

You loved it. The British autumn had always been your favorite season. Maybe it was the memories you attached to the season, your past always seemed so much more idyllic in the cozy evenings of lazy, rainy Saturdays.

The wind was driving your hair wild. Your white beanie didn’t really do much to help, but your ears were warm. You were cocooned in your red coat, hands stuffed into the large pockets. You loved everything about autumn. But the nostalgia always overtook your brain. The orange and brown leaves, flying around, close to the ground, brought back memories of long walks in the woods; soft palms and calloused fingers holding onto your own. They brought back images of bright smiles; loud laughs; hot chocolate kisses and brown eyes, watery from harsh winds.

Even with the gloomy weather, you felt giddy. You were having dinner with your best friends later that evening. It had been a while since you had seen them last. Work always managed to get in the way.

You looked up from the concrete blocks beneath your boots and noticed that you were almost at the grocery store. There was a light buzz of people around, far less than there would have been, had it not been raining. But still enough to make London feel like a city and not a commercial for the newest model of a car.

The glass doors slid open, greeting you happily with a “ding” from the electronic bell. You had never understood how anyone could work for hours with that bell, without going insane at some point.

Normally white aisles were covered in brown water streaks, and the sound of shrieking shoes clashed against your eardrums. A single overhead light flickered inconsistently, dawning the place in a midnight atmosphere. Muffled conversations could be heard throughout the store, and everything was exactly as it should be.

Your eyes fluttered along the aisles, searching for the products you needed. In fact, you didn’t really need anything, nor did you want anything. But you had been sitting at home, with a cup of tea, and something had just told you that you needed to get out of the house. Your gut was probably right about that; you had been holed up at your flat, working tirelessly on a work project for days.

In fact, it had been a long while, since the last time you had taken time to just wander around the city. The electronic bell rang once again, and you moved from the dairy section towards drinks. Row after row of differing teas, differently processed coffee beans, and of course what you were there for; the hot chocolate.

"Y/N?" Your hand stills in the air, freezing where it was reaching for a box of hot chocolate powder. Silently you let out a breath of air, squeezing your eyes shut, wishing that the voice was only your imagination. You relax the muscles in your arm, and it falls gently down your side. With a last quick breath, you open your eyes, and sure enough there he is.

Brown boots, the same ones he wore all that time ago, you can tell by the small green stain near the ankle. That was your paint, you remembered that day vividly. Flashes of wide smiles, flying paint, and empty canvases. Hugs from behind kisses on paint covered noses and laughs that you could only relive in your dreams.

Acid wash denim jeans, ripped at the knees, just the way he preferred it. But you knew those jeans, and the holes weren't artificial. They had torn during the many days you had spent together, hurting yourself on the highest branches in the tallest tree in the forest behind his house.

The black coat was new, but that made sense, considering how he always managed to forget his coat somewhere ridiculous. You remembered how confused you had been, when he was sitting at your dinner table, admitting with red cheeks, and downwards cast eyes, that he had forgotten it at a magazine interview. Later that evening you had found it for sale on eBay.

Your eyes finally reached his, and the familiar warm feeling arose in your gut. They were autumn brown. Whenever you had told him that, as whispered confessions, he laughed at you. He didn't get it, he never got how you could see an entire season in just his eyes. How his eyes always reminded you of wet tree trunks, fallen leaves, and hot chocolate. You remembered why autumn was your favorite season.

His hair was a curly mess on the top of his head, blown through by the wind, and your fingers itched to run through it. Clenching your fist, you smiled at him.

"Tom," his mouth quirked up in a smile at the sound of his name rolling through your lips. "I didn't know you were in town."

"No... No, I'm, ehm." He took a step closer to you, lifting the item in his hand. "I'm only in town to take care of my mum." The packet of kleenex was balanced perfectly between his fingers, and you could almost feel them running through your hair.

"Yeah.. she mentioned that she was coming down with a cold." A low chuckle whisked through the aisle. You raised an eyebrow at him, but couldn't help the smile that emerged on your own lips.

"Sorry, I just find it a little strange that my mum still talks to my ex-girlfriend." The small smile that had decorated his face oh so effortlessly, disappeared and was immediately replaced by a small frown. Ouch. You had never really thought about it that way. In your mind, he wasn't really your ex-boyfriend. You didn't know what he was, but that word always felt... too real.

With a reluctant nod, you shuffled on your feet, watching the water on the floor move with your movement.

"If you're not busy, we could go for a cup of hot chocolate." His eyes were warm again, flittering across your face in that special Tom Holland way, that made your breath catch in your throat.

"Yeah," you felt the warmth in your stomach spread upwards, into your cheeks, and you felt the sudden need to hide your blushing face from him. You didn't. "Yeah, I would like that."

While Tom ended up buying the Kleenex, you came out the store empty handed. The weather was still gloomy outside, but the wind had stilled a bit. As you walked, you couldn't help but notice the distance between the two of you. Had it been only a year prior, there wouldn't have been so much as a centimeter between you, fingers intertwined and arms tangled. Even mentally, the distance wouldn't have been there. You would have laughed about something stupid that happened to him on set or whatever funny thing your little brother and Patty had been up to.

But the air was filled with small talk, the kind you hated. How's work? Where do you live now? How did that one project work out? How's your grandma? Oh, she passed I'm so sorry.

You couldn't stand it. Any of it. Neither the distance nor the fact that the distance wasn't big enough. Your mind was a clutter. Happy memories were thrown in with the sad. You knew that you should just walk away, never look back on something that took you so long to get over, while the other part of you wanted to rekindle something that once was.

Tom came to a sudden stop and you almost bumped into him. You were on the corner of two quiet streets, this had been one of your favorite spots in the world. Once upon a time, it had been your spot.

Upon seeing your hesitation, Tom brought his hand to the back of his neck, scratching slowly right where you remembered his curls meeting his skin. "Is this okay? If not we can go somewhere else." His hair was getting darker from the rain, so you just nodded with a quick smile.

"No, no." You looked up at the place, white and orange flowers littering the walls, and the inviting warm light coming from the windows. "This is great." Deciding, that you might as well enjoy this, rather than comply to the annoyingly persistent butterflies in your stomach, you cast him a grin, before making your way up the steps, and inside the warm cafe.

"Y/N, Tom! It's so nice to see you again." Michelle, the nice middle-aged lady greeted you. "It's been so long." She smiled at the both of you, happiness shining through her blue eyes. The greying hair fell down to her shoulders in large curls, and the "Star Baker!" apron, was tied tightly around her waist. God, you had missed her.

You didn't fight your sudden urge to hug her, so you quickly sidestepped the disk and brought her in for a hug, which was gladly returned.

"My goodness child, you're all wet." Despite the slight disgust in her voice, a happy laugh bubbled out of her.  "I'll make up the usual for you, then I can take your coats to dry."

"Michelle, you don't have to that." Tom smiled at the woman, holding his arms out for a hug. Michelle let go of you and ran around to the other side of the disk and straight into his arms. As your eyes met Tom's, you quickly looked down at the ground, ashamed that you wanted to run into his arms too.

As the woman took your orders, and then coats through the protesting, you and Tom sat down at your usual table. Right next to the western window, looking out over the small courtyard that accompanied the cafe. You sat there, silence emerging around you. It had been a good ten minutes before your order came, and still, neither of you had said a word.

"I'm sorry." He finally broke it, eyes on the mug of hot chocolate in his hands. "I've wanted to say that for a year now." He looks up, meeting your eyes again, and your shoulders straighten up slightly at the sorrow-filled look in his eyes.

"I'm not gonna pretend that I didn't need to hear that." You say, voice quiet, scared that Michelle will find out that her favorite customers have broken up. "Can I talk?" You look intently into his eyes, searching them for any form of hesitation, you only find regret.

"I was angry at you for so long. So long! What you did, I never imagined it would hurt as much as it did." Again your eyes fell towards the mug in your own hands, running your index finger on the rim, before glancing back up at him. "Do you remember that night?"

:o:o:

The sky was littered with stars above the two of you. You were lying on the red picnic blanket, on the balcony of your flat. Every once in a while one of you would point towards the sky, fixated on showing the other a star, that in one way or another reminded you of something. For the most part, you would concentrate on finding the satellites.

Your ear was laid against the left side of his chest, listening to the soothing sound of his strong heartbeat. You could feel him exhale his breath on the top of your head. As you lied there, you felt unbelievably calm, overwhelmingly safe and undeniably happy.

If anyone had asked you, a couple of years prior if you would ever find the love of your life, you would have told them off. Back then you didn't believe in something as silly as the love of your life, even love was such a strange concept to you. In your mind, sharing everything you were with someone else seemed completely ridiculous.

You hated being proved wrong, but Tom showed up, and you had never been so thankful for it. Ever. He had turned your world upside down, and suddenly the world made sense. It was like you had experienced the world wrong side up all your life, and then there he was. You could finally sing along to love songs without feeling like you were weird for not understanding what they were singing about.

"I could get used to this." You said as you cuddled closer to Tom, planting a soft kiss right beneath his ear. To your surprise he clenched his jaw, turning his head to look you in the eye.

"Y/N..." His eyes turned mournful in the mere span of a second. It was a punch to your gut, and as a knee-jerk reaction, you sat up, looking down at him. He looked like an angel lying there, right beside you, one hand on your thigh, and the other beneath his head. Brown curls spread out over the blanket, and eyes reflected the stars above him. He's so beautiful, and you slowly felt the tears well up in your eyes. Why... why would he ever make your name sound that sad?

"No... Don't" You feel a sob rise up your throat. "Please don't." He sat up with you. As gently as he could, he pulled you into a hug, slightly awkward from the weird angle. You leaned your head against his shoulder, letting the tears roll out of your eyes and onto his white shirt. "Please." You whispered in a desperate attempt to make him stop doing what you knew he was about to do.

"Promise you'll always remember me." He whispered into your ear, and your heart shattered completely. How could that voice, that voice that you loved so much, hurt like nothing else ever had?

"Don't make me promise that." You straightened up, tangling your hand with his, "People only as you to remember them if they're planning to leave." Your voice was so quiet, if it weren't for the ragged breath he drew in you wouldn't have known whether he heard you or not. "If you're planning to leave please don't ask me to remember it."

:o:o:

He nodded, and you take in a sharp breath, like a knife scratching the insides of your lungs.

"I get it. I didn't then, but I get it now." You look him directly in the eye, and god you miss him. "In a way, you were doing me a favor. At least that's what you told yourself wasn't it?" He opened his mouth, preparing to answer you, but you shook your head, quickly continuing. "You see, what hurt wasn't really that you broke up with me, not even how you did it, even though doing it on an anniversary wasn't your best idea, it was the fact that you made a decision, that I should have been part of."

"Y/N, I didn't want you to have to deal with me traveling so much, we would never have time to see each other. I thought what I did was better than the alternative." He pushed his mug to the side, intertwining his hands, and laying them on the table, eyes fixated on you.

"The alternative? You mean talking to me about it? Finding out that I had just talked to my boss, and come to an agreement that would have made it possible for me to travel with you. You mean the alternative? Like the fact that your mother was so excited when I told her that I was ready to marry you if you asked?" You let out a huff of frustration, and you catch a glimpse of the confusion flashing through Tom's eyes.

"You really think this is better than the alternative? Angry hot chocolate, in a cafe we both used to love. We could have been in love, but you decided we were better off being strangers."

"I... I didn't know."

"Obviously not!" The anger boiled in the pit of your stomach, and your hands were clenched around the fragile porcelain. "I appreciate you saying sorry, but it doesn't really do me any good now."

"I'm so so so sorry." His voice was softer, probably softer than you had ever heard it be, and it calmed you down immediately.

"Listen, I can't sit here and pretend that I have forgiven you completely, and I'm not even sure I can sit here pretending to be friends." He leans back in his seat, eyes focused on you like they have been almost the entire time, burning holes through you.

The silence took over again, the both of you just sitting there, coming to the realization that it's over.

"If you ever find it in you to forgive me... please call me." He's sincere, even if Tom's an amazing actor, he could never fake that tone in his voice. You knew that because it had always been reserved just for you. "I'm willing to wait for you."

You don't know how to answer, so you opt on not answering at all. Nodding quickly and standing up. The mug is still in your hand, and you retrieve your now dry coat, before walking back to Tom. You set the mug down on the table. "Thank you, Tom." You smile, maybe a small smile, but you're emotionally drained so you take it as a victory. And with a final look at the love of your life, you let go of the hot chocolate.