#(it's because poison types succ.)

[crestfallercanyon]

Answer the Questions and Tag 5 Fanfic Authors

Thank you so much to @incorrectcoldflashblog for tagging me! Let's get started <3

1. How did you get into writing fanfiction?

Actually knowing I was writing fanfiction? I started on a different account for Fire Emblem Three Houses. The reason I started was because Claude was my favorite house leader and I found his story to be lacking in the game (I genuinely thought in the end he should have incited war on the church in that game -- I think he would have recognized them as while an asset for the war in the beginning to be an obstacle for the peace and free borders later and I really really really wanted him to then pick a war against the church; especially considering he had no personal ties to most of those that you fight in the big twist reveal at the end of the Blue Lions route). Then on this account I got into Coldflash because genuinely Barry and Leonard Snart's chemistry is off the charts and I wanted more screentime with the two of them.

2. How many fandoms have you written in?

Posted to AO3? In nine different fandoms. In my drafts and other works?... probably around 16?

3. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I started writing fanfic in 2020, so four years.

4. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Usually I write more, recently though I haven't been writing much at all and I haven't been reading that much either, but I'd say I read a little more right now.

5. What is one way you’ve improved as a writer?

I think I recognize pacing better now, and know when I'm dragging things out intentionally for fanfic indulgence purposes instead of just dragging and meandering off like I used to when writing original fiction. Now my OG stories are staying on path better and so is my fanfic when I'm trying to write a cohesive story. That and I think I've gotten better at writing romantic affection, but that's still a work in progress.

6. What’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Oh gosh, I've looked up a lot of weird things. I think the thing that got me my own national security agent to watch me (I'm kidding -- maybe, I suppose I don't know lol) is for an og story I wanted to know if poisoning a water tower would effectively kill the inhabitants of a small town because I wanted the entire town to have gotten wiped out by the time my main character came upon the town. Then I learned that water towers hold a lot more water than I thought (which already thought was a lot) and the amount of poison that would need to go in there would be a lot but actually flooding the town by destroying the water tower might work and would likely be more devastating visually for my main character to enter upon so I started to look into the logistics of that. This led me to a youtube video of just water towers being brought down and the flooding that occurs and the sounds they make and stuff on like a twenty or so minute loopable video? (gotta love people on the internet, who knows why this person made this but I appreciated it for research purposes. Which by the way, water towers are fucking loud if their basins get punctured), and yeah, that's the weird one I think of most often.

7. What’s your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

I just appreciate when people comment, honestly, but when people point out specific phrases they liked? That's lovely. Or when people tell me about certain foreshadowing things or symbolism they picked up on? (Whether I actually meant to do it in which yay that worked or I didn't even realize I did that in which that's so fun that you noticed that) it's always really lovely. But honestly, I just get delighted that people read my stuff.

8. What’s the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

Um, other than a fandom that literally only one other person has written in on my other account, I would say it's my Derek Hale & Allison Argent fic where Derek helps Allison go on the run after Allison attempts -- and Derek helps her succeed -- to kill Kate Argent by burning her alive in her house. I loved writing that fic and it's one of my favorites even though it is very much not most people's cup of tea and is extremely dark and doesn't really have any shipping (though it could be read as pre-slash as that was the original intent but I removed it because I preferred not to go that far in the fic itself).

9. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Lately it's any story, haha -- I just have been struggling to write anything lately. Um, but typically sexually explicit works is pretty difficult for me. I'd like to get better at it because I do think that there's narrative value to be had in being able to portray those scenes and the different dynamics that can come across during sex, but it doesn't flow out of me like other works can.

Also, if I leave a story alone for a little while, I feel this weird immense guilt and have a hard time going back to it because I worry it won't meet the hype of leaving it behind. Which is silly, but it's true.

10. What is the easiest type?

I'm going to be honest it really depends. If I can tap into the vibe of the story and just go? Then that's going to be the easiest. When I first started writing Coldflash I was able to just write a ton, or when I first got into Thomally for The Maze Runner, and for like the month of November I was writing Shameless non-stop and was just able to write a bunch of different one-shots there. Those were some gold-star writing times haha.

11. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Either my laptop or I carry a journal, and I also type little inspirations into my notes app if I'm at work and don't have access to paper. I write on AO3 and publish there. And it really depends! On the weekends I might go to a coffee shop and write so it's morning time. Other days I would write into the night and have written until really late before.

12. What is something you’ve been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

I started writing this documentary style fic for The Maze Runner and I love it, I love the idea of it, I love all the little mental movies I can make of it -- but writing it? Making it make sense? I got myself all turned around and I've been too intimidated to continue, I just don't know how to map that out.

13. What made you choose your username?

I thought of names for a while but I wanted it to be short so I coudl remember it and then crestfaller just kind of came to me and I thought it kind of suited my vibe. Then I picked crestfallercanyon for tumblr because a) crestfaller was already taken and b) that'd be a bitchin' name for a canyon somewhere.

Thanks again for tagging me! Now it is my turn to tag others <3

No pressure tags! @jrooc, @landsofmyth, @its-tea-time-darling, @go-catch-a-chickn, @sproutwings

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

some feral kind of oc making demon below (this is about succ again)

idk if ive established the kind of person i am enough yet but like any sliver of canon i will use to make an oc and tom/shiv baby oc is calling to me. i wanna examine the cycle i want her to be a girl because THE POISON FUCKING DRIPS THROUGH i wanna examine shiv's variety of absent mother, how her trauma as a woman and as someone in a loveless marriage would affect a daughter. i wanna write a teenage girl who's so desperate to win the love of her mother and father. i wanna write a girl who growing up though she could fix her parents marriage if she was just good enough, if she did well enough in school and if she played her part right but nothing she could ever do would fill that void where a doting mother should be. i want a girl who got affection from her father because her father did want her despite the circumstances but he was absent too, busy puppeting and being puppeted, and when he was around his affection felt empty as well. i wanna write a girl who's existence has been filled with nannies and absence, who doesn't know why her parents are the way they are, just that at one point they weren't that way. she's built her identity around being what she thinks they want and what will get thier attention and that facade is cracking because it doesn't work. and she doesn't even realize that she's her mother's daughter, she doesn't know that this is what shiv did trying to earn her father's love.

like what if i did it, what would you do would you support me??? or would yall hate it if i did this? cause i feel like people tend to be kinda ambiguous to really passionately hating 'next gen' type ocs

anywho fc ideas! (gif credit linked in emoji)

jade pettyjohn ©

milly alcock ©

grace van dien ©

sarah desjardins

olivia scott welch ©

mallory bechtel ©

[weareinterwet-blog]

Nick Crompton x Hot Dog Man smut

⚠️THIS STORY IS 100% A JOKE⚠️

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are retarded enough to find Jake Paul or any member of Team 10 entertaining and you ACTUALLY enjoy their content, I suggest you click off right the fuck now, we don't need any triggered 12 year olds, we are triggered enough ourselves.

This story contains mature content, and mentions of rape (for like one sentence). Please do not read this if you are under the age of 11 or have not yet learned about The Birds & The Bees. We also make numerous jokes about Nick Crompton's weight.

Now with that out of the way,

Let's get on with this shit show.

HDM= Hot Dog Man

Omniscient POV

    The Team 10™ house was bustling with all the members vlogging and such. Nick Crompton sat in the office, reading an e-mail from a friend who wanted to visit. After he finished reading it, Nick got off his fat ass and waddled into the living room. There he found Jake Paul spread eagle on the couch, taking a break from his latest prank video (taxing work, honestly). Nick knew he had to ask him if the Snapchat king himself, the Hot Dog Man, could come visit. It was the Team 10™ house rules and if he broke any of them Jake would kick his fat ass out.

    "He-Hey lad. Can I invite over, um, a-a friend?" Nick asked in his thicc British accent.

"What kind of 'friend', fat King George?" Jake chuckled.

Oh how Nick hated when Jake's greasy Ohio ass called him that. Fucking cunt.

"Well mate, he's a sensation on Snapchat. We could get a lot of views and advertisements if we collab with him while he visits."

Jake thought about it for a moment. "Well fine Britty Titty. He must collab with us or else you will be kicked out of Team 10™". God he's a fucking dickhead

Nick still put on a fake ass smile. "Thank you chap! This collab will be litty, trust me!".

Nick was filled with excitement. He couldn't wait for his first Grindr hookup, but he couldn't let Jake know. He already had a threesome with the Martinez Twins, and oh boy those pollas de españa were as thicc as Cristiano Ronaldo's thighs, and if Jake wasn't fucking yet another bitch in the other room at the time, all three of them would have been deported.

    Nick had spent the last hour preparing his room for HDM's visit. He made sure to have xxx(tentacion)L condoms and mustard flavored lube in his drawer next to his bed. He already prepped his richard. The juicy Snapchat king would be arriving at 8 pm and him and Team 10™ would be collabing the next day; if Nick's ass could withstand it, that is.

    Nick hoped the neighbors wouldn't call the cops on them during this collab, he wanted to make a good impression on HDM.

~~

(Time skip brought to you by the Martinez Twins thicc pollas.)

~~

    Jake called Nick from the kitchen, saying that the door rung and it was for him. Oh god save me Queen Elizabeth. Nick eagerly jumped out of bed (after many attempts), quickly wiping the jizz on his hands against Jake's door handle when he walked by his room. Take that you Ohio. Fucking. CUNT.

    Nick stomped down the stairs and made his way to the front door, and saw a young girl who was around 15 and probably didn't consent to what Jake Paul was going to do to her probably tight yet virgin pussy.

Probably.

But then he saw him.

He saw that thicc juicy meat encased in that tight ass bun.

The Hot Dog Man.

This part includes mature content. Proceed with caution

HDM calmly strode into the Team 10™ house and greeted the overweight Brit, casually brushing his hand against Nick's outer thigh when he walked by. He then walked over to Jake, who was already getting up on his new bitch.

"FUCKK OH BABY YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALISSA. GIVE ME HEAD NOW UNDERAGE OHIO SEX SLAVE! THAT PUSSY SOOOOO TIGHT!"

Nick was embarrassed by Jake's extreme act of PDA (Me at school everyday tbh.) and turned over to HDM. "Don't worry, he always does this. His dick is really small (like the authors of this shit's will to live), and he cums in like 6 seconds."

HDM chuckled, "Just like his vines."

After the two settled down from their fit of laughter, HDM started to become curious and asked, "Wait a minute, how do you know that? How do you know his dick is small and he cums in 6 seconds?" he paused, grasping Nick's greasy and supersized fish n chips. Nick was sHooK, and his fish went flying. Holy Cow! The Queen is raising my mEmBEr.

Nick gave HDM a Team 10™ house tour, and even showed him (yO iT'S) Tessa Brooks hardcore masturbating to RiceGum and Alissa Violet's "It's Every Night, Sis" (Let's be real, that was a bop). Ah, how he loved his second yet nightmare of a home.

~~

('Notha time skip brought to you by those crispy fish 'n' chips that Nick shoves down his gullet, and occasionally asshole)

~~

Nick could notice HDM getting impatient. His relish flaps were so dry and crispy. Oh no I have to get them moist and wet.

"I have the 'equipment' set for our 'collab'." Nick casually told him. HDM gave him a smirk that made Nick's piener-wiener even more hard than it already was. With this, Nick dragged HDM to his room.

"Don't worry Niqqi, i brought some extra equipment" HDM said, WHIPping out several ropes, multiple types of gags and WHIPs, and bondage harnesses.

"These may be a bit small for you big boy". He said, taking out the harness.

HDM then reached over to Nick's bedside drawer to look for some lube. He didn't want to hurt him because his ass was probably really tight with all that fat surrounding it.

But once HDM opened the drawer, he was met with a distasteful surprise.

HDM had gone from 💯 to OVER NEIN THOUSAAAAND

(I'm so sorry.)

"FUCKING MUSTARD? DADDY IS GOING TO FUCK YOU WITHOUT LUBE YOU FAT BRITISH FUCK!"

HDM didn't even care about the other Team 10™ members hearing him. He was fucking pissed at Nick.

Nick's face filled with dread. I don't want my pooper to die! But it was far too late.

"Get on that pool table you fucking Wale" HDM said, getting out a ball gag and a bondage harness.

Nick obeyed his new master. I must please his mEmBEr

"Now there Niqqi, daddy will only shove his Ball Park™ mEmBEr into your filthy crumpet asshole if you do as I say and don't cum too early."

Nick obeyed, stripping all his clothes, letting his fat greasy rolls free. He climbed up on the pool table, stomach and dick down, and made a slight crack on the side of the table.

"Now there Niqqi boy, do you have a cock ring lying around?"

Nick shOOk his head. "Ple-please don't WHIP me daddy. Th-there is a-a stale o-o-onion ring (OGRES ARE LIKE ONIONS, THEY HAVE LAYERS) that's t-triple fried i-in fish 'n' chip batter. It will keep that hard mEmBEr of yours nice and erect."

"Now you fat fuck, you aren't getting my mEmBEr this easy. One WHIP for you for being a naughty boy."

Nick tried to scream for his life, but HDM was one step ahead of him. He had already secured the ball gag in his big gullet. HDM also secured the bondage harness across the brits flaps and tied a thicc piece of rope that attached the harness to the pool table.

"Resist you fat fucking whore" HDM firmly said, getting his finest leather whip and whipping the brit's asscheeks. They jiggled. Nick's screech was muted by the gag.

~

Nick's screams were slowly becoming moans, and Nick awaited every single WHIPcrack against his bum. Obviously HDM could see him enjoying this, but it is all about his own pleasure first. After another ten minutes, HDM removed the gag from Nick's mouth and untied the rope.

"Flip on your greasy back you fucking teabag. It's daddy's turn to feel the pleasure."

Nick did as told, and allowed his fat flaps to bounce back on the table. HDM tied the rope back on , exposing Nick's hard mEmBEr. HDM climbed on top of Nick's literal pile of fat , almost like an animal. He turned around in an almost 69 position and had his own beefy and ketchupy cock dangling in front of Nick's literal black hole of a mouth.

"You succ it until I tell you to not. If you make daddy cum too early, daddy won't fuck you. If you reject daddy's mEmBEr, daddy won't fuck you. If you gag in response to daddy's mEmBEr, daddy won't fuck you."

Nick understood, and HDM slowly lowered his mEmBEr into his mouth, almost like a fisherman lowering his fishing pole into a murky ass lake full of fish with mercury poisoning. Nick savored HDM's mEmBEr, licking all around and taking more into his gullet. He even succed so far down, he could taste the stale onion ring at the base mixed with the salty pre-cum and loose pubic hair. Oh I LOVE onion rings.

But HDM wasn't satisfied. Yes, his member was being served to Nick like a bucket of Ohio Fried Chicken™, but he felt Nick wasn't trying hard enough for him. HDM slowly reached his hand to Nick's own stiff mEmBEr, and gave them a few violent and robust tugs. Nick gave a soft moan, and started to lick and succ faster and faster. He pulled his head up to get more and more of HDM's juicy as fuck mEmBEr, which was glazed like an artery-clogging doughnut in pre-cum, and HDM let go of his. He pushed more and more of his meat into Nick's fat fucking gullet, which Nick gladly sluurped up. I love pre-cum and onion rings.

HDM reached over to his bag, which was hung up against the side of the pool table, and grabbed a spiked collar and a huge penis gag, tying the mEmBEr gag to the spiked collar.

"If you resist, you will choke little Niqqi. Now before you take this mEmBEr in, what do you say little fat as fuck bitch?"

Nick hesitated.

"Mah-My coc-collar is po-poppin".

HDM violently strapped the Cock gag into Nick's mouth, and grabbed the mustard lube. He threw it on the floor in disgust. He then reached his hand up to stimulate his little meatball nipples until a stream of fresh ketchup flowed down his hard meaty body. He collected a glop onto his hand and rubbed his cartoon fingers, making them gooey and moist. He shoved his fingers, one by one, into Nick's tight asshole. Nick's flaps, yet strapped down to the table, gave a violent bounce after every thrust. Just like playtime at home.

Nick was very shocked about how long HDM could last. He had been savoring his mEmBEr like a lollipop for over 10 minutes, and HDM only heavily moaned a few times.

"Alright Niqqi, succ me until I almost cum. If daddy cums, daddy won't fuck you, remember? If Niqqi does a good job, daddy may fuck you."

Nick wanted that fucc. He began to consume the mEmBEr as if it were an extra large slurpee from that American fat convenience store 7-11. HDM started to moaaaan.

"SUCC ME HARDER YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKING FUCK."

The obese Brit followed HDM's command and swallowed more of his foot-long™ of a mEmBEr down his gullet. Once HDM's hit the back of Nick's throat, he gagged. This made HDM more angry than he already was at the fact that Nick's fat ass only had mustard lube.

"DID I TELL YOU TO FUCKING GAG, YOU WHORE?"

HDM started to vigorously thrust into Nick's mouth, and every time Nick screamed in protest, HDM only went harder

I'm not going to be able to fucking speak tomorrow. Nick thought. This was all too much for him and he was having trouble breathing. Just as he let out another scream that was muffled by HDM's juicy mEmBEr, HDM shoved his mEmBEr all the way into Nick's mouth. He let out an extremely loud moan and busted a fat nUT into the back of Nick's throat. "Swallow all of it." HDM ordered. "Shouldn't be too hard; all you do is eat". Nick followed his command and swallowed all of HDM's thicc and creamy load, and loved the salty yet sweet taste it brought.

"mMM. Tastes so good, Daddy."

As Nick thought the two of them were done and tried to get up, he was met with a forceful push that sent him right back on his greasy back. "Oh we ain't fucking done yet. I still have to fuck your ass; I didn't prepare you for nothing." HDM said with a slight smirk on his face.

Nick gulped. "Y-yes daddy. Of c-c-course."

The sight alone of Nick Crompton's round face red and covered in his own spit made HDM become hard yet again. He even saw a bit of his fresh jizz along Nick's fat fucking lips. HDM got his hands which were pink from the cum and ketchup mixture, and flipped Nick's fat body over, and analyzed his asshole. He adjusted the onion ring on his hard and bulbous mEmBEr to make it even harder.

(Oh boy here it comes.)

Without hesitation, HDM violently thrusted his mEmBEr into Nick's entrance with a profusely loud moan. This caused the Brit to let out a cry of pain and pleasure. "Ooh you're so fucking tight, it almost didn't fit". Nick moaned in response as HDM kept viciously thrusting in and out of Nick's black hole.

~

For five minutes, Nick's ass had been on fire. He thought it would've been nice if HDM could've at least given him a warning before he went full throttle on him. But after those five minutes, oh boy was Nick having the time of his life. Every single move HDM made inside him made Nick scream in pleasure; which he could now do freely without the gag in his mouth.

After another five minutes, Nick felt this shock go through him that he had never felt before. This caused him to let out probably the loudest sound he had ever made in his life. "OOOOOH FUCK DADDY KEEP FUCKING ME LIKE THAT!!".

HDM then angrily slapped Nick's fat ass and shouted "DID I TELL YOU TO FUCKING SPEAK?"

HDM then abruptly pulled out of Nick, which caused him to whine in protest. "I'm sorry daddy, it just felt so good". HDM sighed "Alright, but if you pull that shit I'm leaving this fucking place".

He then continued what he had started, and Nick could feel the wrinkles of HDM's mEmBEr brushing up against his anal walls. It took a few minutes for HDM to reach that special spot again. Once he did, Nick started screaming again. He had never felt this kind of pleasure before, not even when he had the threesome with the Martinez Twins.

~~

(Time skip brought to you by HDM's fat nUT)

~~

After around another 10 minutes of HDM pleasuring Nick Crompton with his juicy foot-long™ mEmBEr, HDM was getting close to expiring, and Nick could sense it.

"The Big thicc daddy is getting close to releasing the 2nd cum, isn't he."

HDM didn't have the energy to yell at Nick again, instead he was overcome by a wave of ecstasy.

"SAY MY NAME, NICK. SAY MY BLOODY FUCKING NAME"

"DA-DADDY, DADDDY DA-DADDY". With one final thrust, HDM exploded deep inside of Nick's asshole, Nick cumming all over his stomach and the floor. Oops, I'll have to clean that up later. He pulled out and they both expired.

"Oh you are such a nasty fucking fat ass bitch"

"I know daddy"

The two lovers were fast asleep on each other, HDM's ketchup mixing with Nick's stomach grease. All of the sudden, Jake Paul and his bitch burst in, followed by all the members of Team 10™

"I FUCKING KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW YOU WEREN'T INTO PEOPLE. YOU ONLY LOVE FOOD YOU FUCKING FAT ASS LITTLE BRITISH CRUMPET CUNT", Jake screamed.

"¿Qué pasa con nuestras pollas españolas?" Emilio asked.

"¿No fuimos suficientes para ti, gordo culo?" Ivan sneered

"WHY DIDN'T YOU RECORD IT FOR ME TO MASTURBATE TO?", Tessa, who was the angriest of all, exclaimed.

"I SWEAR TO GOD WHY DID I MARRY YOU, YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Chance shouted.

~

All of the sudden, Nick wOkE up sporadically and sat up, waking HDM in the process. "What the actual fuck are you doing?" HDM asked, quite annoyed that he was woken up from his deep sleep. "Oh sorry, chap. I had a really bad dream that all the Team 10™ memebers walked in on us". "Oh well, we might as get up, it's almost 9:00am".

Nick reached over to his bedside table and looked at his phone. Oh shit he's right. We have to be down by 10 or I'll be kicked out of Team 10™.

Nick took a breath before he would start his long journey of getting out of bed. Once he tried to get up, he felt the most excruciating pain he had ever felt before in his nether regions. HDM saw his grimace and chortled. "Did daddy do you too hard last night?". "YEA-oWw!" Nick abruptly stopped himself from what he was about to say. "Oww, my fucking throat hurts Jesus Christ". "Don't speak then." HDM said. Nick nodded in agreement.

After twice as many attempts it takes to get out of bed on a normal day, Nick waddled over to get some fresh clothes from his wardrobe. Once he got his way-too-tight clothing on, Nick stomped his way down the stairs to the living room yet again; not even worrying about what HDM was doing.

~

"YoOOOO Nick, I got a surprise for you!" Chance shouted at Nick with a eager smile on his face. Oh for fucks sake.

"Wöt is it mate? A bitch that's more tolerable than Tessa?" He banted back.

"hAha, no. It's much better than that."

"Then wöt is it mate, I have to go see the Ohio cu- I mean Jake so we can start our collab with Hot Dog Man." "Okay, I know it's not food, but it's-!"

All of the sudden Chance pulled out a taser and put it right near Nick Crompton's face and turned it on. Nick shouted with utmost fear. "AH WHAT THE FUCK YOU OHIO CRACKER?!!"

Chance just screeched in response while the other Team 10™ members jumped into the living room; some with cameras, some with more tasers which frightened Nick even more.

"LMAO YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE!!" Anthony yelled putting the camera in Nick's face.

"Good job, Hubby. You got him real good." Tessa said to Chance with her annoying southern accent.

"Alright, Alright. Let's settle down now, we have to start filming our collab with Hot Dog Man." Jake addressed to the rambunctious 20-year-olds. For once he's actually said something I agree with.

~~

(Time skip brought to you by Jake Paul's quality content)

~~

After Chance and Emilio set up the equipment for the video, the rest of the Team 10™ members and HDM sat down outside to start filming the video. They would be filming a "Truth or Dare" and it would be going on Jake's channel, of course. Nick hoped the Team 10™ wouldn't get too rowdy, as the neighbors would call the cops on them again.

"This should be fun, shouldn't it?" HDM asked Nick, slapping a hand on his lower back; knowing it would cause Nick a great pain. He winced. "Y-yeah."

~

When Tessa was about to pull out her second dare, all the Team 10™ members all turned their heads to the loud knock that could be heard from the fence followed by a loud voice bellowing,

"HEY, YOU FUCKERS. DO YOU MIND SHUTTING THE FUCK UP FOR ONE GODDAMN DAY. SOME OF US HAVE NORMAL LIVES AND YOU GUYS ARE PISSING US THE FUCK OFF WITH YOUR CHILDISH SCREECHES!"

"Oh fuck off!" Nick replied back, and they all laughed and continued on with the video. HDM smiled at him.

The fucking end

I am sincerely sorry if you read this thing all the way through. Welp, that's all folks.

[hideandseaking]

Last time on Nikky’s World of Darkness gameshow of PAIN, all of which can be read here

Today’s crew is: Lady MacBeth the Dragon, Pap the 5′5″ Poison Dart Frog, Hana Doku the 6″ Poison Dart Frog, SUCC the Kirby Slug, and Duke the Gentleman that @jutopa guest starred with today

After arriving back from their 2nd round, the group is immediately given a new companion for their Round 3; a human gentleman by the name of Duke Masterman Zackery

He is immediately shocked to see an array of creatures and believes they’re all demons

“Okay, introduce yourself...” “......Pap.” “............” “Me Pap.” “..........................Okay maybe describe yourself to him?” “...........Big frog”

After the trainwreck of formalities, they are given the task to save a king! They are also given an alarm clock that turns a body part of theirs into wood whenever it rings, and they are limited to speaking only in one syllable sentences

They’re hurled into the new world for this round and land on cushy, shiny green leaves... A whole field of them in a giant clearing actually

They realize soon that it’s poison ivy.... but can’t say poison ivy so they just say “Bad! Leaf bad!”

Honestly the one syllable limitation is too funny throughout the whole session

The alarm clock goes off and gives everyone a wooden body part: Hana Doke’s balls of her feet, Lady MacBeth’s nipples (or the scaley counterparts), Pap’s shoulders, SUCC’s backside, and Duke’s wrists

This immediately pissed everyone off and they try to destroy the clock

Instead they just lost it amongst the leaves and decide to leave it there

A kingdom made out of the poison ivy leaves erects itself at the sound of the alarm clock, and a wall reaching around to cover it blocks their sight from the kingdom

Lady MacBeth offers to fly everyone over the wall, but ends up smacking into the wall, causing Hana and Duke to fall back down into the ground

“Okay... I’m going to have Lady MacBeth just yell ‘Good luck!’ to them and then fly towards the castle that she sees in the middle”

Duke picks up Hana and puts her into his satchel as they walk around to find a door

The alarm clock is in the satchel RIP they tried to discuss it but the lack of syllables made it hard....

They find a door to see earth elementals guarding it but ultimately let the two in

Apparently it’s a kingdom of earth elementals

Duke remembers that poison ivy doesn’t set until around 2 hours after it’s rubbed on the skin so they try to find “a bath” since they can’t say water

They talk to a shopkeeper who directs them to an inn district to find some baths

Meanwhile, LM, Pap, and SUCC get to the castle where they ask the “golems” about their missing king and caused a slight panic until a royal ambassador picks them up and brings them to a private place to tell them to shut up

“What’s the matter?” “Matter is two syllables” “Um... what happened- Fuck that’s two syllables. Um. What has there- no no.”

The ambassador explains that the king was kidnapped by human assassins two nights ago and no one knows about it yet

“We want to help” “And how do I know you just won’t take the king then for ransom as his current captors are?” “Um... we are not in it for the wealth”

Pap and SUCC are giggling just watching LM struggle with trying to talk in one syllable

Eventually LM gets the ransom note and a map out of the ambassador for directions to the assassin’s hideout, he also gives them a quartz stone to give to the farmers whose farmland they need to cross in between. The three of them leave the castle

Back to Hana and Duke: they reach and inn and find a bathroom  with a sink and a toilet where they can wash themselves from the poison ivy

Except the water is just runny mud

They both try it anyway and Hana takes a mud bath while Duke washes his hands in mud and dries it off with his handkerchief

They leave and make their way to the castle, where they see more guards around the entrance

But the guards are friendly and let them in

“You see your friends leaving while you’re walking in” “I wouldn’t call them friends.....”

“Hey guys!” “Fuck you!”

Instead of trying to fly again, they decide to walk through the town back to the outskirts to go find the king... It would’ve been nice if everyone wasn’t gawking and screaming at the 15ft dragon.........

They make their way to the outskirts and go towards the farmland they need to cross to. It ends up being a Tangerine Orchard!

“I’m going to eat those tangerines” “Me too” “Well, it’s open so go ahead”

“How long has it been since we last ate” “Well, for everyone who isn’t Duke, probably 8 hours now” “Oh god, I’m starving I’m going to eat one”

LM and Duke inspect the tangerines to find that they’re perfectly delicious. Hana Doku can’t even finish one tangerine, Pap eats about 3, and SUCC.....

SUCC tries to eat a tree whole

“You have to roll for that” “Okay. I got 2 successes” “Yea, you suck in two big branches and get like.... 20 tangerines in you, but you can’t get it all down so there are just branches sticking out of your mouth and trying to poke through your body”

“You’re grotesquely choking. It’s terrifying for everyone to watch.” [CHOKING SOUNDS START FROM CALL]

The farmers of the orchard, a bunch of 5ft tall rats, arrive at the sounds of the choking and accuse them of stealing until they give up the quartz

“You can’t just come in here on the king’s name and eat our tangerines....” “Well we did so.....”

Hana tries to help SUCC to no avail.... And then the whole party except LM (the one with the Strength score to actually be of use) tries to help SUCC

“I gotta eat the branches. #SpittersAreQuitters”

“Honestly, we’ll take the quartz and not punish you guys for breaking one of our trees since this seems to be punishment enough”

They roll 4 separate occasions to get the branches down, to which it only works when SUCC rolls an exceptional success and gulps down the rest of the branches easily

The rat farmers leave them to pass through and while they’re walking through the alarm clock sounds again. The wooden body parts added on are: Hana Doku’s inner mouth (now she can’t speak), Lady MacBeth’s upper arms, Pap’s ass, SUCC’s armpits, and Duke’s index fingers

“Can I even pull the trigger to my guns now!?” “You can, but slower....”

LM and SUCC begin to feel the effects of the humid environment and look like theyre melting

SUCC uses a spell to create a cold aura around LM because “She’ll be more help than I will be” but SUCC gets in her arms and feels better too

They move out of the orchard into more woods.... and don’t know where to go....

“Um... well we don’t know what to do.” “Wow, too bad I didn’t give you guys a map earlier.” “Oh shit we have a map!”

They start to make their way to the assassin hideout, where they roll perception checks and a murder of crows swoops down at them then arches back up

Hana fires an arrow at one of them and gets it right through the windpipe

She tries to pluck its feathers and break it’s talon off, causing some disturbance between Hana and Pap

“Why did you do that.” [silence] “Why did you do that? Why did you kill it?” [more silence] “Dude, I can’t talk because of my mouth, so I’m just going to keep doing my thing.”

They walk through the woods more to find a tall (like 30ft tall) wood cabin in a clearing

“Is this the right place?” “I don’t know. It doesn’t look very assuming.” “Yea and there’s only really one window.” “Is this even the place?” “Let’s just go past it.” “Okay.” “K.” “Alright.”

Hana Doku is literally trying to get their attention while making this decision to tell them to check the map

LM: “Oh wait! We have a map!” HD: [facepalms]

LM decides that she should go scope out the top window to check before they move on

When she flies up to check, she immediately is met with 3 arrows launching at her, 2 of which land inside of her nostrils

She looses her concentration and falls to the ground, causing a loud noise, and 3 assassins run out of the building ready to fight

As they fight, LM is fighting unconsciousness and using an Ice Breath, Pap is running around patching everyone up, SUCC suffocates one of assassins, Duke shoots one in the leg and then gets shot in the arm, and Hana takes out two other assassins, one of which she shoots an arrow into her eye

Duke keeps trying to pull the arrow out of his arm

“Are you going to pull the arrow out to fix me up?” “Uh, no! Out of character, I learned in my first aid class that you do not remove an object in the skin, but patch around it, until it can be further dealt with! I’m so smart!” “Okay, sure, now roll Intelligence + Medicine”

“Well, SUCC, you have an arrow in your stomach, but it’s nothing to worry about”

With two dead and one unconscious, Hana goes over to the unconscious one to stab her in her other eye, but Duke stops her from harming the woman further

LM sits down and immediately falls unconscious on the group

Duke and Hana tie up the woman with her own rope, and Pap patches everyone up to the best of his abilities

LM heals her one point to wake up and Pap decides to stay outside with her while SUCC, Hana, and Duke go inside the building

When they go inside, the first floor is much like a house with a kitchen, living room, and a table with playing cards on it

They search the kitchen and find a first aid kit, and after Hana unsuccessfully tries to open the fridge and SUCC has to open it, they make 7 different types of sandwiches for LM and for the king they still need to rescue

When they walk outside to give LM the sandwiches, the alarm rings again and the wooden body parts become: Hana’s elbows, LM’s nostrils, Pap’s eyeballs, SUCC’s slime (it becomes splinters like a hedgehog or smth), and Duke’s teeth

“Great! Now we have a frog with a wooden mouth, another frog who is blind, Pinnochio the Dragon, a wooden cannonball, and George Washington himself!”

They all look at each other and also realize that the poison ivy is starting to set rashes on their skin

“WE FORGOT ABOUT THE POISON IVY UHG!!”

The alarm causes more assassins to appear out of the building, to which Hana runs away, Duke tries to pick up SUCC and fails, so he just starts to run while leading Pap by the hand, SUCC dragging himself by his tongue away from them, and LM trying to reason with them

“I did not kill them! ....Oh I rolled 0 successes on that lie” “Yea, they don’t believe you at all and draw their crossbows nearer....” “Okay, I’m going to fly away. ......Nope. Nope. I got 0 successes there too.” “Yea, you just take off for a second but flop down again. This causes 2 more to come out and you’re surrounded by 4 assassins now.” “I just plead for them to kill me.”

And that’s where we ended! Join us next time for more adventure and excitement on Nikky’s WoD Gameshow!!!