#(if youve been following me or have known me for a while u already knew that lol it's not a big secret)

[90stvqueen]

i found enneagram books and bought a couple, and i was feeling a little insecure ("am i rly a 7? i act like a 2 a lot of the time" etc etc) and then i read some stuff about type 7 and laughed out loud bc it read me so hard. so i think i'm typed right lmao

[angrylizardjacket]

a process {John Deacon}

Anon asked: Could you write something where reader (possibly in the band) and deaky are totally in love with each other but both are too shy to say anything and oblivious to see the others feelings but at the end the get together and it’s 100% fluff? Thank u sm your fics are gold

A/N: 3169 words. If I recall, some people wanted some Deaky fic?? He’s so lovely and this was a lot of fun to write!! Again, this is the BoRhap!Deaky. Also I wrote half of this at work; this is university funded fic ladies and gentlemen.

“Alright, boys, jus’ letting you know we’ve got a new intern in today; Y/N, she’s going to be shadowing me.” The sound designer, Earl, a skinny gentleman who always seemed to be wearing black, denim shorts no matter the weather, announces your arrival over the microphone to the recording studio where the band was discussing what song to practice next. In the next moment, you have four pairs of eyes all watching you through the glass of the sound studio, and you give a nervous wave back.

“Hello.” You offer, awkwardly, and Earl leans in to the microphone on the desk.

“She says hello.” He informs the others, and you feel like an idiot. Fortunately, the men all wave back, giving quick greetings of their own, before going back to their discussion.

“They’re good.” Earl, pulled up a spare chair for you by the desk, checking the levels as they started up on a new song. From anyone else, the words would sound like a mild compliment at best, but from Earl, who you’ve known practically forever, he was a friend of the familys’, and he did not shy away from complaining about the ‘teeny bopper drivel’ he had to make sound half-decent, you knew it was closer to a round of applause.

“Intern? Does that mean you get us drinks?” They’re actually recording now, one at a time, while the rest of them lounged around on the other side of the room with you. You’re perched on the edge of your chair by the sound desk when the drummer, Roger, speaks to you. Their lead singer, Freddie was at that moment, currently in the recording studio, crooning into the microphone with his headphones on, and it takes you a moment to turn and consider what he had said.

“I mean… yeah, I guess?” Looking to Earl to either confirm or deny the request, he’s focused on the sound desk, just waves you off with a distracted affirmation. A grin stretches over Roger’s face.

“Bourbon, thanks.” And his grin only got wider at your sudden confusion.

“Water for him.” Pipes up the bass player, John, sitting against the wall with his ankles crossed, smiling up at you. “And one for me too, if it’s not too much trouble.” Relieved, you smiled back at him despite Roger’s protests. “You want anything, Bri?” John asked their guitarist, and you ended up getting drinks for everyone. Thankful that they kept fresh bottles in the break room, you returned as Freddie stepped out of the sound booth, and his recording was played back. His smile was stiff as you handed him a water bottle, though it was probably because he was trying to concentrate on the playback of his vocals than any malice towards you. Roger accepted the drink begrudgingly, and Brian smiled at you.

“I’m John, by the way.” Holding out his hand to you, you bent down to shake John’s hand where he was still sitting on the floor.

“I know,” you answered automatically, though he could see the regret on your face as soon as you said it, “I mean, we can hear you guys from in there, talking and everything,” you tried to explain yourself, still shaking his hand. After a long moment silence, he’s still looking at you with a bewildered, but pleasant smile. “I’m Y/N.” You finally manage.

“I know.” And he’s grinning at you, amused as you finally retract your hand to cross your arms over your chest. “You were introduced.” Pointing at Earl, you followed his gaze to the sound desk and the glass window, through which you could see Freddie setting up for another take.

“I’m Roger.” Roger offers from the side, and he seems to be splitting his focus between you and the singer.

“He’s Roger.” John muttered, much more quietly. How he was able to verbally communicate a fond eye-roll, you may never know.

“What does this one do?” Three weeks into your three month internship, and you’re minding the desk while Earl’s on break, slapping away John’s hands as he tries to get near the buttons.

“I don’t know.” You laughed for the fourth time in a row, pushing his hands gently from the desk.

“This one makes things loud, right?” His fingers edge towards one of the faders and you can see the grin he wears as he watches your expression closely, deciding if you’re going to slap him away from it again. The others have gone to get lunch and he’s keeping you company. He’s been doing that a lot recently, and you wouldn’t say you minded. John’s good company, unexpectedly sharp, and he always seems happy to see you.

“You probably shouldn’t touch that one; it’s for your bass.” You raised your eyebrows at him, lips twitching as you repressed a smile, watching him retract his hand to fold it in his lap.

“So that one’s for the bass, but what about the others?” He asked, nodding to the other faders, and you shrugged.

“Not sure.” Your response only made him smile wider.

“But you know which one the bass one is?” He asked, and you let yourself smile at him, a little more mischievous than was strictly necessary.

“Maybe I just told you that so you wouldn’t touch it.” There’s an unspoken challenge in your words, and his fingers danced along the bottom of the soundboard, just below where the masking tape labels for the faders have all worn away. There’s a moment, he’s hovering over one that looks like it’s labelled ‘Mic 2’ and you’re hand is already raised ready to knock him back, when the door bursts open and the others all spill in.

“Alright, out of my seat.” Earl pulls the rolling chair back with you still in it, and you obligingly hop out. “You didn’t touch anything, did you?” He asked, just like he had every single time since he’d first trusted you to look over it while he was gone.

“Yeah, Deaky, did you-” Roger’s wearing a shit-eating grin, but the bass player has hopped out of the seat that usually belongs to you, to make a beeline for the recording studio.

“Oh shut it, Rog,” he snaps, and though you can’t see the blush rising on his cheeks, he knows it’s there. “No.” He adds, and Roger’s exaggerated eye-roll, and the comment he had made, make you blush also, but you’re not entirely sure why, or at least, you won’t admit to yourself why.

“Okay, take, uh, take six? Take six of Killer Queen’s bass.” You stumbled over your words while speaking over the microphone into the recording booth where John waited with headphones on. He gave you a thumbs up, which you missed, searching for the button to play back the other accompaniment into his headphones. After a moment of fumbling, Earl pointed the button out to you, giving you a longsuffering smile as the music began to play back. The other band members quietly discussed the logistics of the song as you watched Earl gently adjust the sound levels every few moments. Sparing a glance to John through the glass, you get a little lost for a moment, watching his intense concentration as he worked his way through the song. He had an intensity about him, the utmost concentration that made you not want to look away. Finishing without a single note missed, he looks up to see you looking back at him, a little starry-eyed, and he grins back.

“Wow.” You breathe, before turning bright red, feeling someone over your shoulder.

“She thinks it’s great.” Freddie pressed down the button, speaking into the microphone by your shoulder. John chuckled fondly, a little flush.

“I- yeah, thank you.” After a beat, he recomposed himself. “And you guys?” His gaze finally moved from your face to look over the others, who were all looking at either you or John smugly. Freddie stepped back from the console, crossing his arms over his chest with a smile as he looked between you two.

“She’s right.” Roger called from the sofa, splayed across it, partially leaning against Brian. After a beat, John gave him a confused look, tapping at the headphones. “Oi, tell ‘im.” Roger urged you, and tentatively you pressed the microphone button, leaning in to it.

“They agree.” And you watch him let out a sigh of relief as he goes to put his bass on it’s stand, making room for Brian to step in and start with his section. When he comes back into the room, John makes a beeline for the sofa, only to find Roger’s laid himself across it horizontally, taking up as much room as he possibly could.

“Sorry, mate.” The drummer grins, clearly not sorry at all. Even Freddie, who usually didn’t go in for this sort of stuff, was using the armrests of the armchair he had draped himself in, giving the bass guitarist a knowing smile, and a sly look to where you were receiving a quiet lesson faders from Earl as Brian began making sure his guitar was in tune.

“You’re doing really good,” John muttered to you from where he leaned against the wall close to the sound desk. You’d just called to start the guitar track and he was keeping his eyes on his bandmate. Startled, you slid the headphones from your ears where you were listening to make sure Brian was hearing the same thing you were.

“What?” Voice quiet, you looked up at John, and he finally looked away from Brian, smiling fondly at you.

“The whole intern thing, you’re doing really well.” And the resulting smile you gave him made you glow with pride. You’d been so worried that it had seemed like you were stumbling through your tasks, because, well, at times you were, but even a slight affirmation had you thrilled. After a beat, you tried to school face into something more serious as you tried not to let the embarrassing crush on him that had developed over the past few weeks show. He was a musician and you were an intern, and it was just a little bit of a hero-crush, nothing to get too serious about. But he was smiling back at you, and it just made you feel warm; it didn’t have to be a bad thing if you didn’t let it.

Once the album is done, you still actually manage to see them around, at least for the first few weeks. You’d actually managed to score a job as an assistant from the internship, and they were in often discussing the plans of their tour. Every time they spotted you in the halls, the others would conveniently vanish the moment John asked how you’d been. It hurt a little, to think about how you wouldn’t see them, see him, for a few months, or perhaps even a year, but you thought perhaps it would be a good thing, letting your little crush die.

“I’ll really miss working with you.” But then he had to go and say that, smiling in that way that made everything seem alright, and he wrapped an arm around you in a hug. He’s not usually a tactile person, from what you’ve gathered, and it takes a moment for you to find your voice.

“I’ll miss,” the words get stuck in your throat a little, “working with you too.” He gives you a comforting squeezes, and you’re not sure what to do about the way your heart beats a little faster, so you let him leave. He hesitates for a moment, seems like he doesn’t want to go, or has something to say. You see something in his smile, maybe a little sadness, maybe something else you can’t quite place, and you both know it’ll be a while before you see each other again.

“Is Y/N going to be here?” John’s bopping slightly to the beat in his head as he watches Earl set up the sound equipment on the farm.

“She’ll be here tomorrow.” Earl doesn’t look up from his job while Roger yells at the same time, from the other room.

“No distractions!” And it’s accompanied by the thwap of Roger’s slipper hitting the glass of the window to the sound room, but he’s grinning at the bassist from where he’s sitting behind his drums. John refuses to read into that.

It’s been almost six months since you’d seen each other, and you’d jumped at the opportunity to join Earl and the boys a the farm, even if it is in the middle of nowhere, and you’d be sleeping on a sofa for a week. You arrived at the tail end of their stay, once the music was written, all that was left to do was record it.

He’s waiting out the front of the house, perched on the brick wall and eyeing off a large chicken who looked like it was ready to spook him, when Earl pulls up with you in the front seat.The noise of the van is enough to send the chicken scrambling in the other direction, but John waved at you, and there it was, that feeling in your chest that you’ve been trying to bury for six whole months practically leaping to life as you step out to hug him in greeting.

“Oi, Y/N, settle an argument for us.” When you walk into the kitchen in the morning, Brian is smiling despite the fact that he’s got bacon in his hair, Roger is hunched over eating the rest of the bacon, at least what wasn’t scattered on the floor, from the pan and refusing to share, and John was just smiling blithely into his coffee.

“What do you think of when you hear the phrase, ‘I’m in love with my car’.” John asked, not looking away from where Roger was glowering.

“Is it a nice car?” You asked, easily making your way around the kitchen to fix yourself breakfast, ignoring the way Roger perked up at the question.

“Like as a song, what do you think?” John’s smile as catty as you’ve ever seen it. When you ask what happened to the coffee pot as it lay on it’s side sink, John hands over his mug without hesitating, still waiting on your response.

“Well... is it a metaphor?” You asked, squinting between the three of them. After a beat, Roger slams the frypan on the table and throws his hands in the air.

“Yes, see she gets it!” And you’re pretty sure you’re on the wrong side of the table as John shakes his head.

“So you metaphorically are in love with your car?” You asked, rounding the bench to join John and Brian, who were now actively stifling laughter as Roger’s face fell. Resting against the bench by John, you’re close enough that he can lean his head against your shoulder in solidarity, taking back his coffee and having a pointed sip as your words set Roger off on another rant. If you lean into it a little, he doesn’t seem to mind, in fact, you don’t see it, but his smile widens.

When you hear John banging on the door of the farmhouse after you’ve finished helping pack everything up and Earl’s already locked everyone else out of the sound room for the rest of the night, it’s a shock.

“Tell her!” You can hear Roger’s shout on the other side of the door as John knocks louder.

“You really should just tell her.” Unexpectedly, even Freddie seems to agree with the drummer, though John shouts that he’ll catch his death of cold if they don’t let him in soon.

“Be an adult, John!” Brian tries to placate the bassist from the other side of the door where they’ve all teamed up against him. “Just tell her.”

“Be an adult?!” John parrots back, just before you get to them.

“Tell me what?” That shut them all up quick, and even before he turns to face you, you can tell he’s bright red. “I mean, I’m the only ‘her’ for what feels like a few hundred kilometres.” Smiling with confusion, you look to the door, and then to John. Someone whispers ‘tell her’.

“I want to see you again.” John lets the words tumble out into the world, hands out and open in front of him in some sort of ‘ta-da’ gesture, before looking over his shoulder. “Can I come back inside now?” 

“What? No.” You can hear Roger’s baffled expression in his words, and it’s joined by a hum of agreement from Freddie.

“He’s right, Deaky, that was a terrible declaration of lov-” John’s pulling you away by the elbow before you could hear the rest of Freddie’s statement, though you got the general gist of it.

“You know what, maybe we’re better off out here.” He huffs, unable to look at you as he tugs you towards the wall.

“Slow down, slow down.” Once at the wall, you tug free from his grip and lean against it, watching him fidget. “You like me?” You asked, half smile forming on your lips.

“We’re not high schoolers, Y/N.” He tried dodging the question with a self-deprecating smile. Taking a step forward, you finally got him to look at you. “You know, it was weird, caring about you so much after only three months.” He admitted, studying your features with an intensity you had only seen him get around music, it made you feel like the only person in the world that mattered in that one moment. “It was weird, looking up on stage and not seeing you in the crowd.” He paused for a moment. “And I don’t want that to be our only interaction, just recording music together, I wanna take you take you to all the sights I got to see, but just... just because I want to see them with you.” When his gaze dropped, it felt as if the moment had passed, but you didn’t want to leave it just yet. Gently, you took his hand, and when his eyes met yours, you were smiling, a bit pink in the cheeks, but so obviously full of joy.

“I’d like that,” and after a beat, you moved in to press a kiss to his lips, soft and chaste. “I missed you... so much more than I thought I would.” You chuckled softly, moving back just a little. “I honestly thought you wouldn’t-”

“No, I did.” He looked away, a little embarrassed, and you could see the flush of his cheeks. “The, uh, the boys will attest to that.” He admitted, and that’s when you remembered, feeling the biting chill of the night air finally begin to hit you.

“Do you think they’ve unlocked the door?” You asked, looking over his shoulder. His expression fell as the two of you began to walk hand in hand back to the farmhouse.

“It doesn’t actually lock, they were just all leaning against it.”

[dxlanwrites]

"Old Roots" .1 (G.D)

A/N: After re-reading the series I didn't like how fast the plot developed so I've been rewriting the current parts that are up. Some parts are still the same, others are different and have added scene's. Here's part 1. She's a long one so watch out. Enjoy.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

~~~~~~~~~~

An eerie quietness fell over the neighborhood as I closed my car door. The quiet thumps of my boots hitting the broken slabs of concrete sidewalk were the only noise that could be distinctly heard. It had to be around 3 a.m by now but I wouldn’t of known since my phone was currently smashed to piece's on my living room floor. Pulling my leather jacket closer to my body to help keep out the chill, I neared my destination. About a block away at the end of the almost abandoned street sat a fairly new looking home surrounded by cars and motorcycles. A warm almost inviting glow was hidden behind the closed curtains that framed the windows. A soft buzz of chatter could be heard as I got closer. Carefully maneuvering my way through the vehicles, I stopped and stood at the bottom of the steps that led up to the door and front porch. Damn. I haven’t been here in years but everything still seemed familiar. I still knew every inch of this house as if it were my own which it basically was to my 16 year old self, but now it was all just a distant memory. Taking a deep breathe, I reluctantly made my way up the steps. My boots sounded heavy against the newly placed wood, no doubt alerting everyone inside that someone was out here. Pulling open the screen door that was the only thing separating me from my past, I raised my arm and moved my clenched hand forward. Only to stop mere centimeters from the wooden door. I should of just called, I thought to myself. There was no need to do this face to face, yet here I was. No more hesitating. I have to do this. I need to do this. Taking another deep breath and rolling my shoulders back to relaxed slightly, I brought up my knuckles banged them against the cold wooden door. Knocking hard three times, I backed up slightly and harded my facial expression. Game face. The chatter inside died down alittle and the sound of footsteps were nearing the door. As the lockes clicked unlocked, my breath hitched when realization finally kicked in. Here goes nothing. The door was swung open and the familiar scent hit me like a ton of bricks but I quickly pulled myself together, pushing back any emotions that dared to break the surface. Looking back at me curiously stood someone I’ve never seen before. He looked pretty young and old at the same time, had to be no more then 17. His scruff aged him more than it should of but his baby face showed his youth. The jet black hair of his layed messily underneath the hood that was lazily thrown up. His bright green eyes were shinning as if he was just laughing hysterically at something. The throat being cleared from this unknown boy helped regain my attention when he caught he taking in his features.

“Can I help you?” His deep voice rang out into the air as his eyes narrowed in on me. Mentally clearing my mind and straightening up slightly to help with the height disadvantage I was at, I began to speak. 

“You can help me by stepping aside and letting me in.” I said emotionless.

"And why would I do that?" He said leaning into the door frame as he crossed his arms.

"Because I said so. So move." I said getting slightly annoyed.

"Yeah. Okay." He said stepping back as if he was about to let me walk in, only to shove me back by my shoulder and began to close the door. Okay, I wont play nice then. Kicking my leg out to stop the door from closing, I pushed myself inside. Taken back from my sudden aggressiveness, he quickly put himself inbetween me and the destination i seeked.

“You have about 5 seconds to get off the property or you’ll regret it, little one.” He said down to me.

"Little one?” I repeated quietly as I moved in closer to him, dangerously close. Lifting up my hand, I gently traced my finger down his jawline stopping at his chin.

“Oh honey the only little one here is you.” I said grabbing the collar of his hoodie and pulling him out of the doorway and onto the ground of the porch.

“Word of advice, never threaten me again. Or you’ll regret it.” I hissed at him. As I walked in, memories began to flow. Everything looked fairly the same, some changes had occured throughout the years though. New furniture, fresh layer of paint on the walls, pictures in picture frames taken out and replaced with new memories. A loud familiar laugh soon invaded my ears as it came from where the living room should be, unless that changed too. Before I could chicken out and run away, my feet were already reluctantly  moving me in that direction. Fast and loud footsteps were heading my way as I made my way ddeeper inside, no doubt from the boy I just met. When his figure emerged from the corner and spotted me, he lunged forward and tried to grab my arms only to be kneed in the groin and pushed onto the floor. This small commotion caused everyone to turn from their spots on the couches and look at the noise. Confused and shocked faces met my hardened one as they spotted me. No one said anything, just stared back with blank expressions, except for a brunette whose tits were basically pouring out of her tank top.

“Who the hell are you?” She said standing up from the recliner. Before she could take a step forward the arm from the guy next to her shot out infront of her to stop her from moving closer. She looked up confused as to why she was halted and was about to say something but the sound of glass breaking beat her to it. Looking to my right to where the shatter came from I saw a familiar face. My heart skipped a beat in excitement as my eyes connected with his. 

“Y/n?” He said in pure and utter shock. A smile spread across my lips as I closed the distance between us and ran into his arms. A few seconds later after his mind click on and realized I was real, he returned my hug and held me tight against him. I don't know what came over me to run into his arms like that but I was secretly happy I did. I hadn’t even noticed a single tear left my eyes until we broke apart to get a good look at one another when he quickly swiped it off my face. 

“Ethan.” I said breathlessly. His small smile grew bigger as he released me from his grasp. Our little moment was ruined by a deep groan from behind me, turning around I completely forgot about the boy I kneed a moment ago.

“What happened to you?” Ethan asked as he peered past me. The boy didn’t say anything instead just pointed at me instead. 

“She did this? Y/n, you’ve been here for not even 5 minutes and are already causing trouble.” He teased.

“What can I say, trouble seems to follow me. In my defense he didnt let me inside when I was being nice then he threatened me then basically came at me so he’s lucky all he got was a kick to the balls.” I said blankly.

“Still got it I see. Attitude and all.” He laughed.

“Kinda hard to forget. Blame it on the muscle memory.” I joked. Ethan rolled his eyes and bent down to pick up the glass from his cup he broke. Someone else I didnt know got up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen to get a broom.

“Damn y/n in the flesh. Never a sight I thought we’d ever see again.” A voice said behind me. I turned around just in time to see two large bodies come hurling at me, wrapping me up in their arms and squishing me between them. I laughed shortly but quickly was over the unwelcomed contact, getting irrated and began pushing them off of me.

“No more y/n sandwhich!” I said facing them. 

“Aw c'mon y/n/n, you know you love it. Being between me and Russ is a fantasy of yours, we know it.” Tyler joked as he smirked at me. Roaming my eyes over their body, I couldn’t help but take in the sight in front of me. Definitely not those scrawny 17 year old boys I once knew. Fully grown men now stood in front of me with toned muscle flexing underneath their too tight of a shirt, jeans perfectly wrapped around there muscular legs. Rolling my eyes at his comment, I gave them a small smile in return trying not to crack too much and show my soft. Standing back, I began to take in the new faces around us. A few of the guys that were sitting on the couch watching everything unfold in front of them looked to be around our age while the other 3 relaxing in the floor looked to be in their late teens just like the boy I met at the door. Awkwardly standing around waiting for Ethan to return, my eeyes fell onto a specific spot of the leather couch.

"Take a load off y/n." Russ said taking his previous spot on the couch across the room. Slowly walking to the couch, I hesitantly fell back into the only familar couch that still sat against the wall. It was still in the perfect position to see the TV and best spot to get to the kitchen and bathroom. Taking a seat in the only spot where I ever sat. My spot. The left corner next to the table. Closing my eyes and letting my head fall back onto the couch, I let out a deep sigh and surprisingly allowed myslef to relax into the familiarity. I was brought back to reality from an obnoxiously loud laugh. Ethan was making his way over to me with two beers carefully hheld in his fingers. Putting out his hand for me to take one, e rose his eyebrow when I hesitantly took it from him. He sat down next to me as he laughed quietly and shook his head.

“It’s as if you never left.” He said taking a swing of his beer.

"Oh but thank god I did." I replied under my breath as I took a sip of my beer. Wincing at the strange taste I took my lips of the bottle.

“What the f-. Light beer?” I said looking over at Ethan.

"Yep. We’re trying to maintain our amazing bodies and beer doesnt really help. It was Grays idea.” Ethan said nonchalantly. Tensing up at his name I remembered the main reason I was here. I knew I was going to let myself get caught up with all the reminiscing and comfortiblilty that I would forgot the only reason I even came back here. Noticing my uncomfortably state he gave me a sympathetic look which I didn't like at all. Pushing all flashbacks and feelings away, I refocused myself. 

“Where is he E?” I asked not looking up from the spot on the floor I was staring a hole in.

“Around. He was pissed at everyone and everything earlier. Left in a rage. Wouldn't even talk to Hailey.” He said avoiding looking at me after the last sentence left his lips. 

“Hailey?” I asked looking up at him. He motioned over to the kitchen with his beer, ignoring my stare. Following the direction he motioned with, my eyes met the backside of the brunette from before. Her bootyshorts road up her ass showing alittle too much booty. 

“Figures.” I laughed as I downed my beer. Ethan laughed at my remark and silently agreed with a simple head nod. 

“But seriously Eth, where is he? I didn’t just come here to take a trip down memory lane.” I said looking at him.

"Then why are you here?” A deep voice asked from the other side of the room. Freezing up instantly at the sound of his voice, I mentally cursed at myself for letting him take my by surprise and make me feel how I was. An overly excited squeal sounded out from the kitchen followed by footsteps.

“Baby!” The brunettes, or known as Haileys voice broke out into the silence that now hung in the air. From the corner of my eye I saw him quickly dismiss her as he walked closer to us. I smirked inwardly a little but instantly dropped it to remain my neutral look. Giving myself a small pep talk, I reluctantly rotated in my spot and faced him. As soon as my eyes hit his hazel ones, I knew I was a goner. So many emotions flowed through my body at once, I didnt know which one to react with first. Neither of us said anything as we stared at eachotheer allowing the tension to grow in the air. Ethan put a reassuring hand on my thigh to help edge me on, in which Grayson quickly took noticed of right away and narrowed his eyes. Noticing the slight change in his demeanor, I pushed Ethan’s hand off of me like it was on fire. Standing up and placing my beer on the table I stood face to face with him.

“Grayson." I said emotionless as my nails dug into the palm of my hand to help me not shake. Somehow his expression hardened at the sound of his name slipping past my lips.

“Why are you here?” He asked sternly boring his eyes into me as he crossed his arms against his broad chest making his muscle’s flex. In any other moment I would of been drooling over the pure sexual power oozing from him in that tight black shirt but I knew what he was doing. He was trying to intimidate me.

"We need to talk.” I said steadily. He made no advancement to reply or pay any attention to my request. Looking to my side where Ethan sat, I gave him a look we used to share many times when Grayson was being difficult. Grayson was quick to take notice of the smiles that threaten to spread on mine and Ethans face. An animalistic like growl escaped his lips making my head snap towards him.

"Don't even." I warned. That sound was all too familiar to me from the countless fights between me and him or whenever his overprotectness would emerge.

“Excuse me?” He said harshly taking a long stride towards me. Challenging him was one thing he had always told me he admired about me but it always pissed him off none the less. When he was in arms length distance of me and made no motion to be stopping anytime soon, I extended my arm out as it collided with his hard warm chest. At the mere contact he stopped all movement.

“Let's be civil. Talk like the adults we are, or well how I am. I dont know about you.” I sassed as I removing my hand off his chest.

“Im busy.” He said coldly pushing past me. Grabbing at his bicep and turning him around to face I gave him a hard look. I heard someone intake a hard breath as they watched me man handle him.

“Grayson Bailey! If it wasn’t important I wouldn’t of dragged myself back into this shithole.” I said angrily at his childish antics which earned a couple of defensive ‘heys’ from the boys.

“Shithole? Well this 'shithole' used to be your home.” He scuffed and pulled his arm out of my grasp.

“Gray, please.” I said as it came out barely above a whisper. Looking up at him, I noticed he was already staring down at me with an unreadable expression. He narrowed his eyes at me and knitted his eyebrows together as if he was thinking. Then in a blink of an eye, wrapped his large hand around my wrist and pulled me behind him without another word. 

“But baby-” An annoying whine called out from close behind us as we walked out of the living room. Grayson stopped mid step, making me inconveniently slam into his back and instinctively wrapping my freed arm around his waist. He didnt turn around but just turned his head back slightly to look at Hailey. 

“Leave us alone. I’ll deal with you later.” He said as he contiuned to walk and head towards the stairs. Ethan was causally leaned up against the wall no doubt waiting for us when he finally spoke.

“Gray man, let’s take a second to calm down. No need to be rash.” He said calmly as he tried to reach for my wrist in Graysons grasp. Grayson pushed him back slightly as he brought me forward so my back was now securely pressed up against his chest with his arm holding me in place by my waist. As soon as Ethan took in the expression Grayson was giving him and my knowingful gaze, he lifted his hands up in surrender and backed away back into the living room. He knew how things were going to get settled between us and as soon as Grayson and I had made eye contact but he hoped it wouldn't. Ethan would never admit it but he was always proud and happy for me when I finally left because he knew I could finally be who I wanted to be and reach my full potential instead of being stuck here and never see what the world had to offer. Without warning Grayson quickly rushed up the stairs with me in his arm, almost making me fall over my own damn feet.

“Fuck Grayson, I can walk on my own!” I said pushing myself out of his grasps. He ignored my whine and walked to the far end of the hallway where his bedroom still sat. Following him towards his room, he waited for me to get inside then slammed the door shut. 

“Talk.” He said harshly as he walked into his large walkin closet, stripping himself from his shirt and throwing it a basket in the process. He walked back out a few moments later in a pair of sweats that hung low on his hips and a t-shirt thrown over his shoulder. If I say so myself he has definitely been keeping his body in check. 

“Sit.” He said pointing to his bed as he pulled on his shirt. 

“No. Do I look like a dog?” I said crossing my arms and leaning back against the door.

“Did it fucking sound like an option? And well you are a bitch.” He said as he grabbed my arm and pushed me onto his bed.

“If you keep manhandling me, I’ll swear I’ll chop of your dick Dolan.” I said glaring up at him as I sat up from my thrown position. All he did was roll his eyes and make his way over the the desk that sat in the far corner near to the window. I noticed a small digital clock that sat on the desk and it read 4:45 a.m. Letting out a breath I didn't realized I had held in, all the exhaustion I have been holding back seemed to finally release myself as I let myself fall back into the bed. 

“I said sit, not lay.” He said still facing away from me.

“Never listened to you before so why start now.” I said rolling onto my side to face his direction. He was looking at paper work that was scattered on top of the desk when he felt my gaze on him, making him twist around and looked at me. He seemed to get lost in his own thoughts as he watched me. His face seemed to soften up somewhat before it disappeared and he turned around.

“Don’t lay like that.” He said bringing his attention back to the papers in front of him.

“Lay like what? I’m literally just laying down.” I said annoyed as I sat up. 

“Like you used to when I worked. Like you belong there, in my bed.” He said as his shoulders drooped..

"But Hailey can lay in your bed because she belongs here right?” I said surprising myself at the petty jealousy that was laced in my voice. He had stopped moving as his back muscles tensed back up. 

“She doesn’t come in my room. She especially does not lay in my bed.” He replied. Feeling somewhat satisfied with his answer, I took a moment to look around the room. It was pretty much the same. All the same furniture was still there just moved around, shelves still held the same objects, clothes were still all over the floor. His bed side table still held my initials I had carved in many years ago so that any girl he brought home after me would know hes will always be mine. Reaching out to touch my engraved initials, memories of that day flowed back.

"What are you doing." Graysons voice said startling me slightly.

"Nothing." I replied as I moved my book over the small scratches.

"Baby, guilt is written all over your face." He said walking into his room and over to where I layed. Staring down at me, he tried to pick out any sign as to what I was just doing. When my eyes twitch to the left a little his gaze followed as he investigated the side table. He noticed the small curved wood scraps from when I removed them with his switch blade. Pushing the only thing on the table to the side he stared down at my initial for my first name on it.

"What were you doing?" He asked. Some anger rushed through him at the thought of you ruining his furniture but he was also very curious.

"I was engraving my initials." I said making eye contact with his beautiful hazel orbs.

"Why?" His deep voice asked.

"So that any girl you bring into your bedroom after me knows that you will always be mine." I said staring at my unfinished job. He stayed quiet after my little jealous explosion and simply grabbed his switch blade that was closed up in my hand and contiuned to carve my last names initial in right next to me first.

"No girl will ever come in here after you cause your it for me." He said leaning down and cupping my face gently in his hands. Smiling up at him, I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him down towards me. His soft lips met mine as a smile broke out from him.

Getting brought back from my flashback from his gaze I could feel on me as I mindlessly traced over the edged markings, I knew he felt that same way I did. Dangerous waters we were treading. The possibility of opening up wounds that have been healed up for the past four years was closer then I wanted. Sighing, I lifted myself up off the bed and walked over to where he was standing. Reaching into my pocket to grab the reason I was here, I unfolded it and layed it out infront of him. He quickly grabbed it as he read it over and spun around to face me. 

“Where did you get this.” His asked as his voice came out strained as if he was trying to hold his emotions back. 

“It was in my apartment, attached to this.” I said pulling out the picture I had in my other pocket. He grabbed the photo from my hands and stared down at it before snapping his head up to look at me.

“Im serious. Tell me where you got this y/n.” He said a little more louder this time.

“In my apartment! On my fucking cutting bored with a knife stabbed throught them." I replied annoyed. He ran his fingers through his hair and pushed past me.

“Don’t fucking play games!” He yelled as he turned to face me. His face was slightly red and his muscle’s were really protruding. 

“Play games?! Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I would of came back here if I was 'playing games'. The last place I would ever want to be is back here with you.” I yelled at him as I clenched and unclenched my fists at my side. He seemed slightly taken back by my outburst but quickly stiffened back up as he dropped the paper and photo on the bed and walked over to his dresser. After rummaging through one of the draws, he pulled out a metal box and brought it over. Opening it up he dumped out all of the piece’s of paper that were held with in. Looking down at them, I noticed they all had the same thing written on all of them in the same hand writing.

What’s poor old Grayson Dolan without his girl? And I don’t mean that little whore you’ve been keeping around. How’s y/n? She looks good, too good. Makes me want to have her squirming underneath me as she cried out in pain.

They were all similar to the note I got. Same messy hand writing and same type of paper, but my referred to Grayson and told me things werent as they seemed also mine came along with a picture of Gray and I when we had to be around 18 years old, sitting outside on the porch with me on his lap. Honestly I didn’t know what to say. Grayson had physical hand written threats targeted against me and decide to just keep it a secret. As soon as I saw the note and pitcure at my place, I was in the car making the 3 ½ hour drive over here without thinking but he didn’t even think to even pick up the phone to tell me.

“How- how long have you had these?” I said looking at the piece’s of paper as a moment of silence fell over us.

“A couple months. I recieved some pictures too of you, they looked recent.” He said unbothered. 

“What?! A couple months? You've received threats against me for months and got pictures of me recently? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you even think to tell me or was the small brain of yours too stupid and thought ’oh I better not tell y/n cause im a selfish dumbass and only does whats best for me, fuck y/n right? Who cares what happens to her’.” I yelled at him. He stood there taking my yelling with a clenched his jaw then began putting the papers back into the box along with my note and my picture. Once everything was put away he turned to walk back to his dresser.

“Stop ignoring me! What th-” I began to yell but he interrupted me by the loud sound of him slamming the dresser draw close.

“IM NOT FUCKING IGNORING YOU! If you would shut up for just a goddamn second and let me talk then you would of found out I handled the fucking situation already!” He screamed back at me. As he took a step forward I took one back. I wasnt necessarily afraid of him but I knew he was unpredictable when he was mad.

“What do you mean took care of it? Cause from where Im standing it looks like you didnt.” I said. 

“When I said I took care of it, I took care of it.” He said walking towards his door and opening it up.

“Now get out and leave.” He spat out at me. 

“You're joking right?” I asked in disbelief. Shaking my head I stood up but didnt make a move towards the door.

“After all these years I really would of thought that ego of yours would of actually shrunk but damn was I wrong. 'I took care of it'. What type of shady crap are you back into now? Or did you never leave that part of your life behind like you always promised you would. Cause from what I remember you told me you stopped working for those guys only for me to find you beating some guy almost to death a week later over some money he owed you. Then on top of all that bullshit I found out you had your own little gang and BROUGHT ETHAN INTO IT! And we all know how that ended, don’t we Grayson.” I said as anger rose in me. He looked over at me from the spot on the wall hes been staring at and I could of sworn his eyes darkened. 

"You're the one who left. You walked away. I was done with all of that shit then you left.” He said dangerously low as he stalked towards me.

“And why do you think I left? Huh? Maybe cause I was tired of you lying to me, coming back home at ungodly times of the night, bruises all over, money just coming in from nowhere, PEOPLE TRYING TO GET TO YOU THROUGH ME. The list goes on and on! Remember Marcus? What happened there? Who’s fault was that? Who’s fault was it when I was in the hospital for three goddamn days because of a fucking gun shot wound? Huh? I was FUCKING 17 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I missed most of my stupid senior year because of you. I didn’t go to prom because of you! Couldn’t go to graduation! I almost didnt get the chance TO GO FUCKING COLLEGE BECAUSE OF YOU! My own parents basically disowned me when they found out I got pregant with your baby only to have that fucking miscarriage. I gave up my entire life for you. So dont you fucking stand there trying to acting all innocent and try to blame anything on me. I left because loving you was the DUMBEST DECISION I had ever made!” I yelled. I didnt even notice the tears that were falling down my face until my eyes became so blurry I couldn’t see. I reluctantly let out a loud whimper as a pair of arms wrapped around me and held me against its chest.

“No! Get away from me. I hate you! I hate you.” I said as I punched at his chest and tried to get away. Memories I hadn’t thought about in years kept flooding my mind as I cried hysterically into Graysons chest. The whole house stood quiet expect for my loud uncontrollable sobs. I had soon forgotten that the door was wide open and that everyone obviously had to of heard everything, which made me cry even more. Soon later my sobs quiet down and the tears dried up but my body was drained emotionally and physically. I felt Graysons grasp loosen slightly on me but still held me close as he gently removed my jacket. In one swift motion he had me up in his arms then placed me gently into the middle of his bed. Removing my boots, he pulled up the blanket that was draped messily on his bed and placed it comfortably on top of me. When he was about to pull away, something in me reached out to grab his arm and pull him slightly towards me. He pulled away lightly to much of my dismay as he walked away and closed the door. I thought he had left but soon the lights were shut off and the corner of the blanket lifted up from behind me. Once he was settled in and somewhat relaxed I scooted back trying to get some sort of body contact I was craving at the moment. To my surprise he was on his side facing me so that when I wiggled back his chest was pressed up against my back. He stiffened up at the contact and didnt dare move so I reached behind me, grabbing at his free arm and wrapped it around me. He quickly relax into my touch and tightened his grip around me bringing me close to him. 

"Gray..” I whispered as my eyes stung from the tears forming again. He quietly hushed me and kissed the top of my head as he pulling me closer into him. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks and from the wetness on the back of my neck and uneven breathing in my ear. I could tell he was crying as well. 

“I’m sorry.” He said softly and he hugged me closer soon lulling us both to sleep.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀