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impala1967dwinchester · 3 years ago

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Dean Winchester: Miracle and Simon

Pairing: Dean W. x Wife!Reader Pov: Dean Warnings: Fluff, a little bit of angst, Dean, dogs, talk of infertility, sadness, overall fluff, comforting Dean, Sam is mention. Summary: Y/n and Dean learn after a long time of trying for children that Y/n is unable to bare a child. With this news, they decide to wait. When Dean comes across two very cute pups how can Dean pass it up? Word Count: 2.3k A/N: Written for band-psychos 1.5 followers writing bingo challenge. This is sad, but good at the same time. By the way, I have absolutely no clue what it's like to be told that I won't be able to have children, so what I may say may be wrong. Also, I'm sorry if this is something that affects you. Square: First Pet

Dean Winchester Master List

Main Master List

Tag list: @band--psycho @akshi8278 @deanswaywardgirl @hit-meup69 @doctorlilo @fofisstilinski @wonderfulworldofwinchester

Month, turned into years of trying for a baby. It was okay in the beginning, but it turned into constant disappointment. Not disappointed in Y/n or myself. Just overall disappointment in the situation.

How we had been stripped of the ability to have kids. Y/n being stripped of the chance of being the best mother I know she can be. I felt more hopeless, and helpless than I had in any other part of my life.

My darling wife unable to bare a child, unable to be the most gifted thing in life. Unable to become a mother. That day was horrific, She cried in my arms and spent the drive back home in silence.

She stayed away, she had moved back into her old room. Forcing everything that we had built to be crushed. She pushed everything and everyone away.

It was horrible, she wore her ring still. Years of marriage, years of trying. Years of our life being shut out. Being put behind a wall because she felt as if she wasn't enough, wasn't worth being with.

There were nights of course I'd try and make conversation with her, but it always ended in silence, or in me talking enough for the both of us.

The few months that she pushed me away were the hardest, hearing the loud sobs echo through the halls. Not hearing her voice at all was the worst of it all, not being able to see the bright smile that used to blossom on her face was horrible.

So many things that I wish that I could change for her, so many things that I wish that I could make better. Better for her, better for me, but most importantly better for our relationship.

Finally one night.

Hearing a soft knock on my door, even with it being ajar. "Dean.. Can I come in?" Y/n asked, barely poking her head into my, our room. I was still a little confused on that one.

"Of course honey," I said pulling the bedspread back so if she wished she could climb into bed with me. She walked in slowly, not bothering to shut the door behind her.

She wore an old shirt of mine, sleep shorts, and her slippers. She looked just like she has always looked comfortable, but the look on her face was a displacement of how she looked. Her voice was white, heavy purple and black circles under her eyes, her face even looked a little bit too skinny.

Y/n say slipping her slippers off before climbing to the bed with me. "Hey." She said timidly like, "Hey baby," I said. During the time she had taken to be by herself, I had done more than enough research about what happened when women learned that they were infertile.

How they need space, or how they didn't like to be touched, how they could have outbursts of many different emotions. It's been five months and now Y/n's back in our bed. I'm hesitant to touch her, I think she can tell.

"Let me first say that"

"I missed you"

We spoke at the same time, speaking at the same was something that we always tended to do... God to hear her voice was amazing, like cutting butter so smooth and calming. She was so perfect to me no matter what was going on outside of this moment right now.

I smiled, and Y/n smiled back at me. It wasn't a full smile, but it was true and halfway there. "Do you want me to go first?" I asked not wanting to push her if she wasn't fully comfortable with it.

But if she wasn't comfortable with it then she wouldn't have come to my... our room and sat down next to her husband. Right? 'Stop asking so many questions.'

"If you want to Dean." She said her voice starting to waver. She's going to start crying, start talking Dean.

"I'm going, to be honest with you here. I don't know what to say.' Smiling afterward, ' I... I want you to know that you aren't alone in this, I know now that you needed your space, I want you to know that no matter what you think I don't blame you at all, not once. Because I'll forever love you. I've also been reading a lot,' Y/n was smiling now, raising her eyebrows at my reading comment. 'Anything for you Y/n you know that, but regardless I've been doing some reading on this situation, how this may affect us, you and myself. I just want you to know that I'm here for you." I said finally shutting my mouth.

She didn't look like she was going to cry anymore. Y/n was smiling a bright tooth-grinning smile. "You know Dean even when you don't know what to say you always manage to say the right thing, every single fuckin' time," She said through her smile.

Is it weird to say, but I know when Y/n is at her most happy because she curses. She spouts out every single bad curse word there is known to man. Just to tell you how happy she truly is.

God, I missed her smile. You don't realize just how much you miss something or even need it until it stops coming into your life and then comes back into your life a bullet.

I reached out to touch her, but I'm still hesitant. Very hesitant she most definitely saw that. When I went to take my hand back to my lap, she reached out grabbing my hand.

She's so soft, and her hands god how I've forgotten how much smaller her hands are to mine. Look at her hands, look at that ring, still shiny and glistening under the light of our room. That ring I think is what brought her back to me, no scratch that I think our love for each other is brought her back to me.

I had been looking for weeks after Y/n finally came back. Everything needs to settle down before I can even prompt the question to her. I want her to feel safe, I don't her to feel pressured or like I might be trying to replace the idea of children.

I again dived in and did the research for my idea. Sam even helped me, helped me to try and find the right one for her and me. Sam knows a lot of things but he especially knows this about me. When I do something I do it all the way, no half-assing anything and that only becomes ten times more when Y/n is thrown into the situation.

Doing the best research I could with the help of my brother of course. I found the best thing, not something I necessarily like the idea of but anything to help Y/n.

Anything for her.

They passed my screen, and before I knew it I was scrolling back up to them. In the loud and bold letter, it read.

These two come together, a pit bull and a golden retriever. Price is free, just come and pick them up today.

It just clicked, you ever have those types of moments. Where you can feel deep down in your mind, and body. Gosh, I'm really starting to get more and more like Sam.

I shouldn't say that because honestly, that's how it was for me when I first met Y/n. But that is most definitely a story for another time. I jumped from my seat sending the library chair to slide and then fall against the tile floor.

"Are you okay?" I heard Y/n's sweet voice ringing from behind me. 'Shit I forgot' "Yeah I'm fine, I just remember that I forgot to grab something when I was out earlier," I said, turning jamming my phone in my back pocket, calmly walking over to her, and kissing her temple saying bye.

I rushed, driving down the gravel road that leads to home sweet home. If nobody knew what I was doing they'd probably all think I was trying to get away from a murder that I just committed.

The drive to pups was silent. I'd driven baby so many times alone, but this time it just felt different. My impala was the first one parked, a few people close behind me. I rushed up to the fairly older man. He looked over my shoulder, he huffed before waving the other people off.

"Now listen heree son, I'm given' you 2 pups for nothing, so I don't want to hear anything." He said stepping down the porch and walking in front of me to the red broke down barn.

"They're in here. All yours." He said pulling back the door and then walking back to his barn house. Pointing in a very general area, there were 2 pups as the old man called them. Curled up into each other, 'cute' I thought to myself.

'I've already been gone for too long, hurry up Dean.' I said to myself. "Do they respond to commands? Like come, or no?" I asked as I slouched down to the height or near height of them. He hummed and said a few things under his breath.

"Come here," I said gently, just like if I were talking to Y/n. I know that as husband and wife you're supposed to talk about things before you just go outright and do them, but I kind of figured that Y/n wouldn't have any cons to having some furry children. It would most definitely take her mind somewhere else for the moment.

Waking them up from their shallow sleep, they were both wary at first, but grow to be giving me kisses had me rolling around on the dirty ground.

"Come on son!" The old man said. I jumped up from the ground dusting my clothes off and whistling for the dog's attention. "Let's go" They followed us out of the barn and chased after each other. There was no need for a transaction seeing as he just wanted them gone.

I whistled again, both chasing each other and coming to a fast stop in front of me. I was hesitant to let these pups in my baby, but anything for my girl, for her happiness, anything for her.

Both jumping up and finding a comfy spot and laying down. I speed back home, I'd already been gone for much longer than I originally wanted.

I once again speed down the gravel road heading to my home sweet home. Parking in the garage caused the pups to raise their heads. That being the first time, at least they don't complain about my driving like Sam does. That's rather nice.

I opened the back door and let both of them slip out. Yes at that moment I had realized that I had in fact told nobody of my plans, and I also had nothing to give them food-wise.

Letting them into the bunker they seemed to feel at home, but the more odd thing was that they didn't seem to care about anything other than finding Y/n.

An odd moment, it's like Sam said years ago sometimes animals can sense evil, so why can't they sense happiness or even sadness. I wonder?

The two of them led their own ways to the door of our bedroom. "Sit," I said quietly. They looked at each other and sat down, well actually they laid down.

I knocked and then came in seeing at it was also my room. "When'd you get back?" Y/n's honey slick voiced asked. "Just a few moments ago, love...." There was a comfortable silence between us, but Y/n always knows.

"What are you hiding Winchester?" She asked, pulling the sheets from her body. 'No don't get out of bed' "I need you to stay in bed for this surprise if you will." I said gesturing her to lay back down. " Be ready okay?" I said opening the door,

There sat a golden retriever and a pit bull. I heard her gasp "Dean?!". Behind me I saw the two dogs slowly sit up fully, they looked over at me, then over at Y/n.

I nodded and whistled. The pitbull was the first one to reach Y/n his nose nudging her arm. "Dean?" I heard again, so I turned I was smiling, the dog has already made a way onto her lap. "We.. are.. you." Y/n was most definitely stumbling over her words.

"Yes, they're ours. I thought that if we y'know. We could find a way to take care of something. I think he likes you, baby." I said walking all the way into the room having the golden following close behind me. "Yeah and I think she likes you, Dean." She said, patting the pits head.

"They need names," I said nodding to let the golden know that it was okay for her to jump up on the bed. I want my bed to remember them too, cause my bed is memory foam.

"Miracle and Simon. What do you think." Y/n said resting her hand on top of the pits head. "Whos who?" I asked, Y/n pointed at the dog taking up most of my lap, "That's Miracle" then moving and pointing over the sleeping pup in her lap snoring "This, sweet boy is Simon." She said a single tear falling down her cheek.

"What's wrong honey?" I asked "I know that I didn't even ask you if this was okay," I said worrying as more tears fall down her soft warm-toned cheeks.

"Nothing is wrong Dean, I just remembered that I wanted to maybe name our son Simon when we finally got pregnant." She said, I wiped her stray tears and said, "We've got our son and daughter just in fur version. And being together is enough for me." Kissing her forehead. A whispered, "Thank you Deanie Beanie." I rolled my eyes and kissed her forehead again.

Completed on: 05/24/2021

Posted on 05/25/2021

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yuujispinkhair · 3 years ago

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Okay maybe I’m being a bit of a baby, I’m sorry…I’m just super self conscious…How long have you been on tumblr writing?

I only ask cause you get so many hits on your writings and so quickly too! (That’s great I’m not wishing you didn’t!)

But I’ve been told my writing is decent, and I try really hard to make good content, but it still isn’t getting the attention I was always hoping for… 🥺 just wondering where I’m going wrong, or perhaps you’ve been here way longer so you have more of a solid following by now.

First of all, I am sorry that you feel insecure and sad! I'm sending you hugs and kisses!! <3<3 It's frustrating when you work hard on your stories, and then they don't get the attention you hoped, but please don't be too critical with yourself. It depends on many factors whether your work gets attention or not, and a lot of it is sheer luck. The notes arent any indicator of whether a story is good or not!! It really depends on who reblogs it, whether people are into the characters, whether they enjoy this particular trope, etc.

The things you have influence over are:

Use the tags, so your fic shows up for many people who aren't following you yet. Please only tag the characters who are actually in the fic, though! But use the names in their different forms. For example, if I write some fluff for Yuuji, I will tag it with a combination of his name and the word fluff. I will use just the first name + fluff, just the last name + fluff, both + fluff...

Then please don't be shy to reblog your work during the following days after posting. Reblog it several times a day so people from different time zones can see it on their dash!

Create a taglist, so the people on that list will get a notification when you post.

Those are the things you can do. The rest is pure luck. I've been posting here since August 2021. I have about 1800 followers right now. Some of my work does well right after posting it. Some of it doesn't get attention when I post it. I, too, have stories where I put my whole heart and pussy into and thought, woaaah, this is gonna be a hit, but it didn't get popular lmaooo. Some of my stories needed months to get a big amount of notes. But I think you shouldn't think too much about which stories will be popular. Just write whatever you want to write and what makes you happy! We aren't professional authors who have to cater to publishing houses or their audiences. So we are free to write anything that brings us joy. And I think that's what makes fanfic so beautiful!

I know it's sad when those stories you put your heart into don't get lots of notes. (I experience that anytime I post Itafushi or Sukuita fics). But fandom, to me, is about screaming and fangirling about my fave characters and ships. So if I write the content I want to see, I will meet people who enjoy the same things I do, and we can talk about those together. That's the most fun part about being here for me!! Try not to compare yourself to others. Try not to analyze too much. I think the moment you start writing just to get as many notes as someone else, you will lose the joy in writing, and that's sad. Write what YOU like and what YOU want to read. I remember a post where someone dissed people for writing domestic Sukuna (no shade, by the way! I couldn't tell whether it was supposed to be a joke or not, so maybe I just misinterpreted it), But well, here I am writing Sukuna fluff!! :) Because that's what makes me happy and gives me comfort. You see what I'm trying to say? Create the content you love and that you want to see. Try not to think about the notes or what other people will think! Maybe it will help you to take a short break from posting here? Just try to get the feeling of joy back! Sit down at home, get comfy with coffee and some good playlist and write something super self-indulgent. Write something that makes you squeal and laugh and cry and drives you crazy. Just write it for yourself. And maybe after a while, you will feel like posting it here again. But try to do it without putting pressure on yourself.

I hope you'll feel better soon!! <3<3<3

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goyangii · 3 years ago

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i feel u so much on your thoughts about being constantly asked for your pronouns (regarding ur tags on that post i mean)... it's so infuriating!!!! this is why ive found a bit of peace chatting w older women, because they never Ever ask. they're Sane and can tell im female and will call me petnames and feel comfy and joke around. genderists r legitimately insane sorry for the rant i am just an angry gnc woman today (and always)

omfg this is probably hella late (im sorry!! i use tumblr on mobile 99% of the time so don't see the notif) but yesss omfg. it is so frustrating hanging out w/ women my age bc they are visibly uncomfortable with me and it gets depressing. it rly is insane and your anger is completely totally justified!!! older women can be very based and poggers <3

ive had some mixed experiences with older women, esp older asian (and specifically older korean) women who view my being gnc as "not taking care of myself" and always have something to say about me not having a bf/husband/children as a cryptkeeper in her mid-20s lol. but on the whole i can agree they don't buy into gendie shit for the most part and it is refreshing that at the least even if they criticize/are uncomfortable with me, we aren't debating the basic reality that i am female (that's usually the entire reason they're uncomfortable — a gnc female wouldn't be gnc if she were male).

i hope to one day have such solidarity with older women ;_; most usually pity me as they think i'm the way i am due to a history of sexual trauma and it gets depressing lmao. like, i've been friends with a (now ex-) tim since my gendie days and i've met his mom a few times — she used to vent to me about his transition lol — and his mom couldn't understand why i didn't want to perform femininity, wasn't interested in makeup, didn't wear skirts, etc. until he let slip at some point that i had a history of sexual trauma and abuse. it literally took that for her to stop bringing it up, and still it kind of upsets me that so many ppl can't get that some ppl are just...naturally gnc? like she understood and empathized with my experiences prolly on the basis that females as a class can understand what it's like to be sexually victimized by males, but can't fathom being gnc outside of a trauma response. which is so irritating bc i'm 100% certain this doesn't happen to men? like nobody looks at rupaul and is like "ah yes these men must've been sexually abused" so why do so many women assume being gnc is the product of trauma. my own mom believes this too and drops hints every so often that i'm "really a pretty girl underneath it all" and my relatives, including male ones, say that if i only wore more feminine clothing/embraced being feminine i'd "reach my potential" which is so. idk how to even put it into words LMAO. idk if you experience this as well but it drives me up the fucking wall

fwiw men, older men included, are even worse abt this all so i can't even get mad at older women in comparison. but god. i wish non-gnc women in general understood femininity as separate from being female.

#mine #ask #sorry for the rant U_U

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igotyouniverse · 4 years ago

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Breathe Me - Chapter 2 [nct vamp au]

Description: After dropping out of college and coming home for the first time in two years, 22-year-old Ava Lee gets caught up in a mystery surrounding the people she thought she knew for so long. Between friendship, affairs and true love the young women finds herself being pulled into a nightmare she would never wake up from.

Pairing: Oc x Taeyong , Oc x Johnny [side: markxoc, tenxoc, lucasxoc, jaehyunxoc]

Included Members: Taeyong, Johnny, Mark, Lucas, Ten, Jaehyun, Doyoung, Haechan (maybe more)

Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst, Fantasy

Warnings: some swearing I guess and some umm angst (this chapter)

suggestive content, strong language, violence, blood, death. probably more, not sure yet (later chapters)

a/n: yeah who doesn't like awkward encounters in cafés and bookstores? Plus an awkward party with a big surprise? Sign me up. Anyway, that's the second chapter for this baby. I got carried away a lot, so it turned out a lot longer than expected but I honestly didn't want to split it up. A lot is happening! I'm honestly so excited for the third one as the main plot will start there and let me tell you – it will go WILD, haha. Enjoy ♥

ch. 1 || ch. 3

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“Oh, hey Ava. Haven't seen you in forever. How are you? That's exactly what he said.”, Ava told her best friend while savouring her freshly baked croissant.

Yunmi sighed and took another sip form her third coffee. “I mean you actually didn't see him in nearly three years.”

Ava shot her friend a glance and snorted. “Yeah, well, that's not my bad. He decided to completely ignore me for no reason at all.”

“Yeah, because he's a jerk. That's a fact.”, Yunmi said with a smile, trying to comfort her friend.

“Totally.”

“A handsome jerk, tho.”, Ava added and drank a sip of her water, trying to avoid her friend's gaze.

“Yup, we all got eyes. But I still don't get it. I mean you two didn't even hook up, did you?”, she felt Yunmi's eyes staring holes in her body.

“No, I've told you a hundred times. We just kissed. I think I'd remember if I hooked up with fucking Johnny Suh.”, Ava sighed with frustration in her voice. Of course she thought Johnny was attractive. Well, not only attractive. It was like she was just drawn to his simple presence. Not to mention, that he was funny, smart, caring and overall just a good person. Or that's what she thought before he decided to just erase her out of his life.

She just couldn't get a hang of it. The memories she had of that night were just magnificient. The farewell party was fun and chill. Everyone enjoyed themselves while dancing or just having drinks. She wasn't even that buzzed, especially not in the moment she remembered so clearly it even felt a little surreal sometimes. But she could remember so clearly how she talked to Johnny for hours about everything. It wasn't the typical smalltalk they usually had – she told him about her worries for university, her feelings about this god forsaken town and even managed to tell him that he crushed on him for years, not having the balls to ask him out. Him being the best friend of her brother didn't make the whole situation easier, though.

And then, just like in all these movies she binge-watched with Yunmi he actually kissed her. And not like a friend, no, she remembered his lips on hers so clearly. The softness of them and how perfectly fit on hers like they were just meant to be. Yet, it felt like a dream sometimes. She felt how much passion the kiss had, it was breathtaking, like a sweet drug she couldn't get enough from and yes, she absolutely would've slept with him but she knew that he was a gentleman. They just chuckled at each other before he brought her home, promising to call the next day before her flight would take off.

But that never happened.

“Maybe you should try talking to him? Like face-to-face. You won't be able to avoid him forever, especially because of Mark.”, Yunmi said and tried to read her friends emotions but Ava just chuckled.

“Watch me.”

The café Yunmi picked out was next to the bookstore Mark worked at. Ava remembered how the spot was always closed and under construction but apparently it opened a few months ago. The style was simple and comfy. It was a light store with paintings on the walls and different types of plants everywhere. Huge windows allowed a view over the main street and the small park right in the middle. It seemed oddly familiar to Ava, even though she never set a foot in this building. But something just felt like she's been there before but she couldn't figure it out.

“I need more coffee.”, Yunmi said and pouted looking at her empty cup.

“Dude, that was your third coffee.” Ava laughed and looked at her friend, with just a tint of worry in her eyes.

“Happens when you work as a nurse. Night shifts are just so tiring here. Nothing happens anyway but I wasn't able to take a nap because I had to do all these papers.”, she said annoyed and pouted at Ava, holding up her empty cup.

The girl sighed and smiled, standing up to get her friend her needed refill.

Ava went up to the empty counter and looked for the young waiter she saw earlier but to her surprise another young man came out, looking at her with warm eyes.

“Can I get a refill please?”, she asked politely and handed the guy the cup after he nodded. His eyes focused on her for just a second, but for her it felt longer. Did she know him? His hair was dyed in a ashy-blonde color, hair framing his delicate facial features. His eyes looked warm yet they had something deep and maybe even dark about them. The way he moved looked elegant. She eyed him just for a second longer, trying hardly to think why he looked so familiar. She even felt like she somewhat heard his voice before. She squinted her eyes trying to take a look at his name tag but apparently he didn't even wear one.

“Here. Do you need something else?”, he asked.

Ava froze for a split second, realized how impolite it was to stare at a person as bluntly as she did.

“No, thank you. I really like the place, though. It's pretty.”, she smiled lightly and took the cup.

The guy thanked her, his face lightened up, a smile appearing on his face, which made her feel warm all of a sudden. Why did his smile see so familiar?

She hurried back to the table her friend was sitting, giving her her desperately needed caffeine.

“Who's the guy at the counter?”, Ava asked.

Yunmi immediately turned around to take a look at who her friend meant.

“Taeyong. He owns this place.”

After Ava stayed silent, not quite sure if she knew him or not, Yunmi added,

“He lives together with Johnny and Jaehyun in that house. We met him there once, don't you remember?”, Yunmi asked and raised a brow.

“I don't know. I guess? You know how bad my memory is.”, Ava chuckled and stared at her glass of water before giving her friend a smile.

Honestly, she wasn't sure if she remembered. Maybe she did meet him back then. Maybe not.

“He's cute, isn't he? He even makes the pastries himself.”, Yunmi said and took a bit of her sandwich after inhaling her coffee.

“Yeah, he is nice, I guess.”, Ava said, looking over at the counter where Taeyong stood. She saw how his eyes met hers, holding the eye-contact for just a bit before he turned around and went to the back.

Weird.

“There will be a party tonight at their house.” Yunmi said, eyeing her friend once more. After Ava didn't answer right away Yunmi sighed.

“We should go. It will be fun.” she added.

“Since when do you want to go parties?”, Ava asked her friend, raising her brow. As long as she remembered Yunmi and her weren't the type of girls who went to parties. They usually preferred a good movie night with food over drinks and bad music. Even in college, Ava didn't attend many of those famous college parties she heard about.

“Their parties are usually really nice.”, she smiled softly and started to play with a strand of her brown hair.

“Mh-mh. Their parties or just someone at their parties?”, Ava teased her friend, poking her cheek.

Yunmi pouted a light shade of red on her cheeks. She caught her.

“Well, you won't know if you don't join.”, Yunmi poked out her tongue at Ava, laughing softly at her.

“Fine. But if I see Johnny I'll leave.”, Ava said firmly and looked at her hands for a second. She really didn't want to attend another party where he was after the last time, even if it was years ago.

“He lives there, genius. Of course he will be there. But it will be fun, I promise. Maybe you could even use the chance to talk to-”

A glance of Ava cut her friends words off, holding her hands up in defeat.

“Fine. Or ignore him. Just come with me. I'll introduce you to some cool people, okay?”

The girl groaned until she gave in.

“Okay. I will be there. Mark probably wants to go too, anyway.”, Ava said and rummaged in her bag, trying to find her phone.

“Probably.”, Yunmi answered, seemingly uninterested if the boy would join them or not.

“Mh, can't find my phone.”, Ava muttered, unable to find anything in her bag anyway.

“Well, the bookstore is right next-door, I'll just ask him there. I think he's working.”, she looked to her best friend who seemed to have spaced out for a second.

“You join me?”, she asked, touching Yunmis hand for a second. Her best friend shook her head, smiling at her.

“No no, I need to take a nap and a shower before the party. Just, um, say hello from me, will you?”, Yunmi stood up, taking her jacket over her arm, helping to put the empty plates and cups on the empty counter.

“Yeah, sure. See you then.”, Ava said putting the rest of the plates on the counter, a bit surprised about the sudden haste her friend was in.

She sighed taking a look around the café once more before leaving it for the day. Ava tried her best to not overthink the whole situation and slowly walked to the next door on the street, leading into the small bookstore her younger brother worked at.

She strolled through the filled shelves, inhaling the magnificent scent of all the bound books walking up to her most favourite isle – old classics. Her fingers trailed over the spines, feeling their different textures. She used to read a lot, every week a new book in her hand, ready to savour it in just one sitting. Back then, it felt easy to just sit down, a book in her hands and shutting the world out completely, focusing only on the words forming these beautiful pictures inside her head, making all these thoughts haunting her in real life go away just like that. When did she lose this talent? Nowadays, she just couldn't get herself to actually read a book. She continues to buy them, placing them prominently on her nightstand, in hopes for her to just grab it in the evening but the pile of books just grew bigger and bigger over the weeks until she finally stopped to even buy them. She hoped to get back into her once most loved hobby. Even if it was just for a few minutes.

“Hey, didn't expect you to visit me.”, she heard Mark saying and turned around, a big smile on her lips.

“I wanted to surprise you, I've actually met with Yunmi. We had breakfast in the café next door.”, Ava answered and looked at her brother. She chuckled mildly. He looked so grown-up and mature in his plain black shirt with his round glasses on, his dark hair falling into his face. She realized how different he looked from the last time she saw him. Unbelievable that he was already 20 years old.

“Oh-Uh, yeah it opened up a few weeks ago. The owner is Jaehyun and Johnny's roommate.”, Mark said after he scratched the nape of his neck. “H-How's Yunmi? She alright?”, he asked casually while sorting a book from his hand into the shelv.

“Yeah, I guess. She said hello but had to rush home.”, Ava answered, shrugging her shoulders.

She eyed her brother and how he fumbled with the hem of his shirt, he seemed to want to say something but decided not to.

“Anyway.”, he exhaled loudly and cleared his throat before smiling at Ava. “I'm happy you're visiting. Want me to show you around? I mean you technically know it, though.”, her brother chuckled.

But as the good sister she is she nodded and let her brother show her all the different types of book they had and which authors occasionally came to give a reading. Seeing his eyes lighten up just by the name of these authors made her heart melt. He explained passionately the several differences in their writing techniques and why they were his favourites. He told her how he fell in love with classic literature, especially romance and tragedy.

Ava listened to him swooning over different works and their means to past society, yet he even read modern novels. She looked at all the books, most of them she already read by herself when she was younger. She felt proud seeing him glowing up, doing what he loved without hiding.

“I just hope I'll be half as good as them.”, she heard her brother sighing when he put down the last book.

Ava put a hand on his slim shoulder and smiled at him warmly.

“I’m sure you will be. Trust me, I will be your biggest fan!”, she laughed and ruffled his hair, making him scrunch his nose before trying to fix his hair.

“Please. I appreciate the encouragement but it's still a long way. Plus mom and dad are still not very fond of the idea of me becoming an author. They think it's still a phase and that I will soon realize it's stupid and become a doctor like – well.”, he shrugged his shoulders before speaking out his thoughts.

Ava bit her lip. “I will tell them.”, she said, not believing her answer.

“When will you, though? I mean, I'm not pressuring you. I get it, it's hard but don't you think it will be even harder the longer it lasts? They're not stupid.”, Mark said looking at his sister, his eyes were filled with worry.

“I know. I'm just – imagine their disappointment. I need a plan, you know?”, she muttered, trying to avoid his gaze. She felt guilty for lying but she would feel even worse seeing the disappointment in her parents eyes when they realize she wasn't that perfect daughter they saw her as.

“Promise me you'll figure something out, okay? It's not healthy.”, he said, looking up when he heard the door open.

“Yes, I promise. Just give me some more time, will you?”, she pleaded at him, pouting as best as she possibly could.

“Sure.”, he rolled his eyes, sighing deeply before he put on a smile and waved at the new customer.

Ava turned around and saw two young men walking in.

“Hey guys, what are you doing here?”, Mark said and smiled, walking up to his friends.

Ava just sighed, silently asking the universe why it made life for her that hard.

“Hi.”, she just briefly said, trying not to look directly into Johnny's eyes. She even managed to ignore him and just gave Jaehyun a smile which he joined.

“Long time no see. You look good.”, Jaehyun said and brushed his hand briefly at her arm.

Ava chuckled, putting a strand of hair behind her ear. “Thanks.”

She felt Johnny looking at her standing next to Jaehyun, eyeing both of them. Just like she wanted him to do.

“We're actually looking for books for the café. Taeyong wants to have some more for visitors to read.”, Johnny said after clearing his throat. Ava's eyes wandered to Johnny's just for a quick second but she already found herself being mesmerized by his presence once again. She liked the way he wore his black hair, the strands falling into his face just perfectly. Her gaze locked at his lips while he spoke with Mark about the books Taeyong wanted and even though the name still rang a bell in the back of her head she couldn't free herself from the way Johnny's lips moved. She knew how soft they felt, recognizing the feeling just too well.

Her thoughts moved back to that night like they always did and the urge to confront him about why he decided to let her hang like that grew stronger. She knew that it would probably was just a kiss for most people but for her it felt so differently. It was romantic and intimate, just how she imagined kissing him over and over again when she was younger. Plus, him declaring his feelings for her made that memory even more perfect. Yet, it all shattered when he ignored her.

She felt a hand on her back and then a breath at her ear, before Jaeyhun whispered

“You good?”

She felt the grin on his face when she rolled her eyes and nodded.

For a split second she saw how Johnny turned his head towards her, looking away just another second later, continuing to talk to Mark.

“Will you be at our place tonight?”, Jaehyun asked, not moving his hand from her back.

“I guess so. Yunmi asked me, too.”, Ava smiled at Jaehyun, wordlessly thanking him.

“Well, you can't say no now. I'd be happy if you came.”, he smiled at her paired with a short wink before laughing with her.

She heard Johnny clearing his throat and looked up to him.

“Anyway, we should head back to the café or Taeyong will be mad at us for leaving him alone for too long.”, he said while taking books off Mark's arms he seemed to have collected for them.

“Sure.”, Jaehyun said and smiled at the others, before looking down at Ava again. “See you tonight then, can't wait.”, he said, stroking her back slightly before leaving behind Johnny.

Ava felt her brother's piercing gaze on her back while she tried to look away, shrugging her shoulders.

“Stop staring at me like that.”, she hissed at Mark and rolled her eyes. She finally looked at him but he just shook his head, wanting to say something but all he did was open his mouth for a second before closing it again, raising both of his hands.

“None of my business.”

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Ava's head felt already heavy without any alcohol in it. She stared at the dark street in front of her, trying to concentrate on driving the car her parents gladly allowed them to use to drive to the party. Of course, she didn't even want to drink. She didn't even want to attend the party at all but she had to admit that she was curious – curious about how the people had changed, curious about how they'd behave and obviously curious about certain of these people whose names she didn't want to think about again.

Even when the last time she visited the house was three years ago she remembered the way so clearly as if she'd just was there yesterday. She took a glance at Mark who was sitting next to hear, looking out of his window, seemingly way up in his own thoughts she wished to read.

Ava sighed quietly, focusing her eyes on the street. She felt anxious about meeting all these people. No one knew about her not so graceful career, still thinking she studied medicine on some ivy league college back in the city everyone dreamed of living. The thought of them asking all these questions she already had to answer her parents made her shiver. Maybe she should just hide in a closet until Mark wanted to go back home. Would be smarter than awkwardly running into someone again – once a day is enough.

Yet she took hours to get ready, carefully picking out an outfit, lipstick and the way she wore her hair, trying to look casual but not too casual. The chance of running into him was just too high for her to not try to make herself look presentable.

The street got more narrow, leading into the woods where the house was.

“I still don't get why they're living in the woods.”, she sighed and looked at Mark for a second before driving on the long gateway leading to the house.

“Taeyong inherited it from his grandma or something.”, Mark answered, waking up from his thoughts.

Ava just nodded, already seeing some more cars and people standing outside. She couldn't see enough to look at their faces. The girl quickly parked the vehicle and stretched her arms once she got out, looking around. The late summer air was still warm and comfortable yet one could sense the upcoming autumn as some leaves slowly turned darker.

The siblings walked down the path leading to the entrance, which led to a huge front yard. It was lighted with small paper lamps, showing off some of the landscaping done. She even heard a fountain splashing somewhere. She looked around, not quite sure if she'd remember the place at all. The house was surrounded by a traditional stone fence and she wondered how old it was. Ava could already hear the people enjoying themselves, with loud music pounding in her ear.

From what she saw through the darkness and the sparse light the house itself looked huge enough to probably fit a hundred people. The door was left open, shoes flooding the entrance area.

After bumping into dozens of people greeting her, smiling and waving she helplessly looked at Mark who was still right behind her looking for someone.

“You made it!”, Ava heard Yunmi screaming in her hear, an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss on her cheek. Ava could smell a note of alcohol in her friend's breath and chuckled.

“How much did you already drink?”, she asked but Yunmi waved her off, her gaze meeting Mark.

“Oh hi Mark. Nice to see you, how are you?”, she asked politely while resting her head on Ava's shoulder.

“Uhm, I'm good thanks. And you?”, he scratched is neck, looking away, probably trying to find his own friends.

“Life's great.”, she answered and laughed, removing her head from her friend's shoulder to take a sip from her cup, shaking it in front of Ava's face.

“Want something? I can totally mix you a drink.”

“No, thanks. I don't drink.”, she answered and smiled apologetic.

“I'm gonna look for Johnny. Hit me up when you want to go home, alright?”, Mark said and disappeared in the moving crowd of people.

“I take it you don't want to look for Johnny?”, Yunmi asked her friend, directly looking at her, rolling her eyes when Ava shook her head.

“Nope. So, who are these cool people you wanted me to get to know?”, Ava smiled.

Yunmi entangled her fingers with hers and dragged her through the crowd, brabbling something about a girl and a boy.

Not long after Ava spotted to semi-familiar people her friend shouted at. A girl with a black long bob smiled warmly and waved.

The boy, a bit shorter than her, with short black hair smiled and greeted her. “Ava, you must remember Ten and Sunhyung, right? We went to Highschool together.”, Yunmi introduced them but Ava wasn't exactly sure who they were. She barely remembered anyone from Highscool, though. At least not their names.

“We were in another class, though.”, Sunhyung chuckled.

“Nice to meet you. So what are you guys doing?”, Ava asked them.

“Well, we're actually officers right now. Ten is my partner.”, Sunhyung explained and smiled at Ten, who just nodded and raised his cup.

“Not on duty tonight, though.”, he winked and exed the rest of the liquid.

“Yunmi told me you're studying medicine? Pretty cool. How's life in the States? This town must bore you to death.”, Sunhyung chuckled and looked at her cup, seemingly disappointed that it was empty.

“I'm actually enjoying it. It's like a vacation.”, Ava answered and hoped no one would ask her to further elaborate on her studies, which weren't even real.

“I'd give everything to travel to a real city. The only “crimescenes” we're looking at are rather boring. It's mostly just noise disturbance or someone's speeding who isn't from here.”, Sunhyung rolled her eyes.

“Hey, last week we had one burglary!”, Ten protested.

“You mean the sixteen-year-old boy who stole some Vodka from the store? How exciting.”, his partner answered sarcastically and laughed.

“I need a refill, you want something?”, Yunmi asked in the group as she apparently spotted something at the bar which needed her attention.

Ten and Sunhyung both nooded eagerly. She didn't bother to look at Yunmi, knowing she'd say no anyway.

Ava's eyes followed her friend to the bar, by which a tall young men stood. She saw how Yunmi straightened her back and smiled at the guy, who she probably knew. Ava noticed how her friend pushed her long hair back and saw how her mouth formed into a laugh after the boy said something. Ava tilted her head, trying to figure out if the knew him or not. She would probably remember a guy like him. He was handsome, yet his face had something sheepish when he talked to Yunmi.

“That's Lucas.”, she heard Sunhyung say and snapped out of her thoughts, “He moved her two years ago. Always hangs out with Johnny and the rest.”, she added and Ava raised her brows. She was pretty sure she never saw or even heard of him before.

“I swear Yunmi has the biggest crush on him. Always swooning over his hands or something.”, Ava heard Sunhyung continue and asked herself why exactly her best friend didn't tell her anything about that guy.

“Well, quite obvious that they're flirting.”, Ten added and nodded.

“Yeah, I'm betting they end hooking up tonight.”, said Sunyhung.

“Never. Both won't make the first moves. They're flirting for months and nothing interesting happened.”, her partner replied.

“Got it in my guts. Tonight is the night.”, Sunhyung nodded with a stern voice.

“Pff, wanna bet? 50 they won't hook up.”, Ten chuckled.

“Make it 100.”, Sunhyung answered, looking at her partner while shaking his hand.

Ava's gaze meanwhile scanned the room for someone else. As if someone read her thoughts, Johnny came down the stairs with Mark right behind him.

Johnny's eyes met Ava's for a moment and she clenched her jaw. She noticed how he was moving towards her and how her heart began to beat faster in her chest.

“I'm gonna get some water or something. Be right back.”, she mumbled and quickly disappeared in the crowd, trying to keep herself as small as possible. Her eyes searched for a kitchen, which she finally found. Gladly, there weren't any people in it. Probably because the whole alcohol was at the bar and no one here wanted to drink something else.

She sighed and looked for a water bottle but all she saw were some empty cups.

“What are you looking for?”, she suddenly heard a way too familiar voice and turned around just to see Johnny standing in the door frame, a small smile on his lips.

“Just some water.”, she answered quietly, trying her best to look away from his dammed face. She saw how he moved next to her and opened a door next to her which apparently belonged to the fridge. Just a second later he handed her a bottle of cool water. Ava looked up and mumbled a quick thank you but it was enough to catch him smiling again, which made her heartbeat increase.

“I'm glad you came.”, Johnny said and leaned with his back against the door, looking down at her.

“Yunmi practically forced me to. It's nice, though.”, she answered, fumbling with the bottle in her hands, not sure what else to do with them.

Silence flooded the room and all the questions burned on her tongue. Taking a deep breath, she managed to look up at him, meeting his gaze. She locked her eyes with his for much longer as initially wanted and already felt how she got lost in his gaze just like everytime he looked at her.

He was handsome. His black hair messily falling into his face, his beautifully shaped lips curling upwards to form a small smile. Johnny's dark eyes seemed to look right through her.

“Can I ask you something?”, Ava finally found her voice and gulped, without breaking of the gaze.

“Anything.”, he answered, his voice unusual quiet.

“I need to know why you ignored me after that night.”

“What exactly do you mean?”, his brows furrowed.

“My last night here. You kissed me. You told me you'd call me the next day but you never did. And when I tried to reach out you simply ignored all my messages.” she sighed loudly, breaking their connection for a second, to gather her thoughts, “Seriously I felt so stupid. I still do.”

“Ava, listen, it's not what you think.”, she heard him answer and looked at his eyes once more.

“Then tell me, Johnny. Seriously. It's driving me insane.”, she pleaded, letting her arms drop in frustration.

Silence came up once more. The girl's frustration grew with any second passing by, not sure what she could say to finally get him to answer properly.

“I really thought about every single reason why you did that.”, she sighed, pain growing inside of her body, “And the only possible reason left is what you never liked me at all.”, she said, her voice just a small whisper, anxious about his answer.

“It's not that I don't like you. It's quite the opposite.”, Johnny said as she looked up at him again.

“I can't believe you.”, she sighed and furrowed her brows, thinking about his reasons why when he liked her.

“Listen, I'm sorry if I had hurt you but it's not that simple.”, he tried to explain but Ava just snorted and chuckled bitterly.

“Seriously just tell me directly into my face that I imagined all of that and that you're not interested. I'm not a kid and you're owing me that.” she answered, pressing her lips together.

“I can't tell you that because it would be a lie.”, now it was Johnny who sighed.

“It's the only possible explanation. Don't you want to tell me that you're not interested because you don't want to hurt me? Honestly, it would've hurt less if you'd just told me instead of ghosting me for years!”, her voice got louder such as her thoughts, which were going crazy inside of her head.

“That's not it.”, now frustration filled his voice as well. Ava looked into his face, seeing how he pushed his hair back, seemingly unsure about what to say.

“God, this is so stupid. I'm just gonna go.”, she dropped her arms in defeat, tired and annoyed. She didn't want to maintain this nonsense conversation when she wouldn't get a proper answer anyway.

Just when she wanted to move out of the door she felt Johnny's hand on her shoulder.

“Just – don't go, please.”, she heard him say and rolled her eyes.

“Then tell me why.”, as soon as she turned around she felt how Johnny laid his arms around her figure, pressing her against his chest softly.

“I'm sorry. I honestly am, please believe me.”, she felt how he buried his head in heir hair and wrapped her arms around his torso, her heart hammering loudly in her chest.

“I want to.”, she mumbled in the material of his black shirt and tightened her grip around him.

It felt unbelievably good to hug him, yet she still didn't get an answer from him, making her anxiety rise inside her body. She still didn't know why and the sudden touch confused her even more.

Ava started to wiggle when she realized her thoughts wouldn't shut up. Reluctantly, she looked up at him, loosening the hug a bit, yet not ready to let him go completely.

“This is confusing. I just want to know what's going on, please.” she pleaded once more, locking her eyes with his, just staring into them, trying to find answers.

She felt how Johnny moved one of his hands up her back, reaching her head, carefully putting one of her strands of hair behind her hear, his hand lingering on her cheek.

Her breath quickened when her eyes wandered over his face, absorbing every inch of it, until she stopped at his just perfectly shaped lips. She licked over hers, memories of how his tasted on hers flooded her mind. Her gaze went up again, meeting his once again that night.

The girl was once again hypnotised by his gaze, unable to look away this time.

Without further thinking about it, she put her hands on his neck and pulled him closer to her, to finally press her lips on his. His lips were just as soft as she memorized them, fitting on hers just as she remembered. The kiss was careful, still anxious about his reaction but when he actually pressed her closer to him, deepening the kiss her mind went completely blank.

Her eyes fell shut, her fingers slightly tightening on the back of his neck, trying to keep him even closer. Their lips moved in perfect sync, just as they belonged on each other. The girl cherished every second of it, how his hands cupped her face while one thumbs caressed her cheek, touching her so softly, as if she could break any second. The taste of his lips were sweet, she couldn't even taste a bit of alcohol, which ensure her that this was what he wanted.

As soft as the kiss was, she knew she wanted more. She needed more. After all these months of anxiety, pain and worry she finally kissed him again. Ava opened her mouth for him, allowing his tongue to play with hers, just like she always wanted to be kissed by him. Her fingers buried in his thick her, while his hands trailed down her body to rest on her hips.

Just before she could press her body closer Johnny pushed himself away, as if he'd burn himself.

Completely puzzled, the girl stared at him, not understanding what was going on.

“I can't. I'm sorry.”, she heard him say, his voice sounding strained, as he quickly ran out of the kitchen, leaving Ava alone once again.

She stared at her hands, her heart still beating fast, trying to catch her own breath. The girl felt how tears formed in the corners of her eyes and how her chest, which felt so light and carefree the other second, now felt like some heavy stone was laying on it, stealing her breath away. She had the sudden urge of fresh air and stumbled out of the kitchen, trying to leave everyone in that house behind her while not being seen. She couldn't manage to explain her situation to anyone. She wanted to be alone.

Ava breathed in the cold air and closed her eyes for a second, trying to get as much distance as possible between her and that house. She took a look at her smartphone to check the time but it wasn't even midnight yet, and she didn't want to be a killjoy and spoil Mark's fun. She made her way out of the garden and looked at the woods behind the property and stopped for a second. She heard how the wind whistled through the branches and how the leftover leaves trailed through the air. Her heart was still pounding in her chest, the latest event flooding her mind. This didn't make any sense to her. Why did he kiss her again? It wasn't just a casual kiss, she could feel that. And this time it wasn't her freaking imagination. The way he hold her and returned her kiss, the way he pressed her against his body – that wasn't imagination.

She actually believed him. She trusted his words yet he was acting like something completely different was on his mind and she just couldn't figure it out. Her thoughts went crazy and she felt how her throat got sore. Why did he stop when it felt so good? Any why did he leave her like that, not explaining his behaviour once again.

Ava kept going towards the trees, sometimes looking up at the sky which wasn't as clear as she thought. Thick black clouds were blocking the moon and stars and she sighed, yet it felt nice to move and properly breathe since the air in the house was muggy and way too hot. Or maybe it just felt like that to her. Her body felt exhausted, yet still full of adrenaline. What did she do wrong? Once again, she went through all the possibilities and couldn't get the hand of it. She didn't want to get hurt again by him, yet there she was. Feeling exactly the same as two years ago. It felt like some kind of absurd Deja Vu.

She flinched when she heard a loud crackle next to her and squinted her eyes, when she couldn't see anything. For a second, she thought someone was here, probably some drunk people enjoying themselves in the woods. She rolled her eyes and continue to stroll when she heard a noise again, but this time it sounded more like a hiss. Ava turned around, trying to see anything but it was too dark. Maybe some brainless jock saw her and tried to scare her.

Another crunching noise, this time right behind her, made her flinch once more, the hairs on her neck standing up. She felt her muscles tighten, when she turned around yet still no one was there. The girl looked a round several times, until she decided to head back to the house which she only saw in some distance thanks to the lights outside. Maybe she could just wait inside the car until Mark wanted to leave the party.

For a few seconds, it was silent again when she heard another noise, this time way closer to her, besides her.

Ava started to run, fear suddenly filling her body as her breath and heartbeat quickened, a feeling of danger flowing her body. The noises got louder, someone was definitely following her. She heard fast footsteps approaching her, whispers and hisses starting to echo inside her head, making her want to scream. She shook her head, trying to leave the voices behind but it was like they were just stuck, burying every other sound under it.

The blood pulsated in her head, breathing loudly. Sweat running down her forehead while her feet tried to run as fast as she could, yet she didn't seem to come any closer to the house.

A dark laugh suddenly appeared as she saw a black figure suddenly standing in front her, which made her stop in her steps, almost falling over.

She couldn't see a face, nor anything else which could possibly explain who it was. The figure took a stop closer to her, making her move backwards until her back met with once of the trees, the tree bark scratching her back uncomfortably.

The girl blinked once and the figure was gone, her blood still pulsating in her veins. She gulped, looking around before continuing to run in the direction she thought was the right one, while still turning her head every other second.

Suddenly she felt a breath on her neck, paired with a deep chuckle, making her stop in her tracks once more. She wanted to ask something, scream, anything but it felt like she suddenly had a lump in her throat. The voices inside her head growing louder and louder with each second passing by.

As soon as she wanted to start running again, a hand grabbed her wrist, forcing her to stand still. The grip was harsh and strong, not moving an inch even when she tried her best to wiggle her wrist free. She grunted and tried to take a look at the person behind her but she couldn't move at all.

“Oh no, you can't look at me. Not now, dear child.”, a voice said. It was more of a whisper than a real voice. The sound seemed hypnotic.

“There, there, hold still. Don't scream now.”, he said as she tried to wiggle herself free until her body stiffened. Suddenly, it was like all the noises she heard a second ago were gone. She didn't hear the whistles of the wind, the arches or their leaves. Nothing. It felt like the was in a vacuum, only the voice echoing in her head, telling her to hold still.

“You see, it's nothing personal.”, he continued and chuckled, sending shivers through her body.

“It's just, you got to understand that you're part of something bigger.”, she felt a hot breath on her neck again, making her want to scream but it felt like she lost her voice.

He heard him click his tongue, followed by a cold finger stroking over her neck.

“Such a pity. So beautiful. I see what he's found in you, honestly. But, you know, sacrifices must be made. And such a pretty one.”, the voice continued.

Tears started to form in her eyes, rolling down her cheek, burning her skin. She didn't know what was going to happen but she felt afraid. More than that – she feared for her life. Something in his presence made her body fill with this primal fear.

“Oh, so pretty while crying, what a sight.”, a finger wiped one of her tears, chuckling mildly.

“You know, I like it when they scream. And now you need to scream, so he can hear you, you know?”, like a snap, Ava seemed to found her voice and screamed in a high-pitched voice.

Suddenly he let her go, making her stumble over her feet, her knees meeting the cold earth. She coughed while pulling herself up, commanding her body to start running again. When her feet started to move and her thoughts came back, the voices also did. They laughed at her in different tones, from every direction. It felt like a circle was around her, closing closer around her, laughing louder with every step she took.

Another desperate scream fell of her lips as she pressed her hands against her ears, trying to make the voices go but they got even louder, so loud she felt like becoming deaf. She couldn't even hear her own breath anymore, while tears ran down her face.

“It's so much fun to play, don't you think?”, she heard his voice echoing inside her head again, the screams suddenly disappearing.

“You know why? Because I always win.”, a chuckle echoed inside her head, turning into a loud laugh next to her ear.

“Maybe he'll find you, maybe he won't. I hope he does, otherwise it would spoil the fun.”, the voice added and she felt the grip on her wrist again.

“Ah, I'd really want to keep you for myself, such a shame.” he sighed, her body stiffen again, whilst she felt like choking, unable to bring out the slightest sound.

“It's nothing personal against you, my love. You just picked the wrong person to spend your time with, that's all.”

Her eyes widened in fear, her mouth suddenly hanging open without leaving a sound when the world around her suddenly turned pitch black.

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cafeleningrad · 3 years ago

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What do you think of this sentiment: "I only ever read and watch things that have my favourite themes, you may even call them kinks - I don't want to invest time and energy in media that, to quote Marie Kondo, don't spark joy, no matter how deep or insightful they may be."

Hello Anon :) Uuuuhhh, as a short answer, I think it's strongly shortsighted. (As small nitpick: As far as I'm aware, the term "kink" is a sexually con-notated word. If the themes are their hentai tags they do theirs otherwise, outside of porn, such a sentient strikes me as artwork as customizable service for a consumer :/.) To me, it's like food. Perhaps trying out Dutch food was a personal experiment I wouldn't repeat although I needed to tr it out before I knew anything about it. But then I tried out Korean cuisine my colleague cooked for me, spontaneously I tried out a small South African restaurant, and suddenly I have so many more places where to get something good to eat or cuisines I want to try out for cooking.

Alright, to be fair, when I want nothing but comfort that's absolutely fine. On evenings I feel bumped out I watch/read saccharine stories I watched before. So, after I watched all episodes of Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid (because I like dragons, duh), and I wish to watch something similar, I do have my 10 titles of moe-blob-comfort shows still after 60 or so episodes of these shows, I've nothing left to watch, and can only repeat the viewing. It's cute and comfy, and I could do this as often as I like. Still, I might miss out on all the other good stories, great animation, great ideas out there which could make me happy and excite me as well. The familiar can be comforting as much as it can hinder you to find new joys.

It doesn't always have to be a step into ye grand literature (although I think is way to dismissive of interesting titles with great writing styles), it can be small. By example, you can absolutely not excite me with the topic of soccer (unless the FiFa and UEFA excutives would finally get their ass sued blue but guess under what stupid reasons the case in 2020 was dismissed, ugh) BUT then I got recommended the show Ted Lasso so passionately, I was ready to overlook the fact the plot centers around a soccer club, and I ended up squealing at good jokes, awwing at the warmth and personality development due to the characters supporting each other. Trying to step into new territory when it comes to plotpoints or themes can be surprisingly rewarding. Perhaps Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid hits exactly my comfort spots because it's a Kyoto Aimation production, it has dragons, and the most adorable Moe-dragon-kid ever but if I'm honest with myself, in this anime I will find no character development, overcoming weaknesses, and the genuine nature of a friendship between women like I did in Ted Lasso. (because the characters in Miss Kobayashi exist for cuteness and comedy first). Perhaps Ted Lasso isn't the deepest show either although there're many positive things to be said about good writing in many aspects, with Miss Kobayashi the only thing I can ever discuss is the adorableness of Kanna (which is, let's be honest, is effective yet engineered). Or another evening I stumbled across an US-court-room drama named "Snow falling on cedars" about which first though "not another"... but then I found myself interested as it was a story centered around the US-history of Japanese interment camps. The actual history and the way the story took a stance on the topic was genuinely intriguing, and I learnt about an event in US-history which isn't actually hugely discussed. Or the art style of Houseki no Kuni is not... to my taste, the plot sounded a bit too simple. Even more so I didn't have, and still for large arts don't have a positive opinion on 3D-animation, especially in anime but after a warm recommendation I decided to try out the show anyway. And what can I say? Already episode 1 won me over, the 3D animation was used intelligently to let it's unique strength stand out, not as replacement for 2D-only, and I'm left with a comic book collection about a Buddhist reflection about human nature, with heart-wrenching twist and turns, and perhaps some of the strongest comic page composition I've seen in a while. What I wan't to get at is: Of course trying out something new can turn out be a waste of time but then I don't have to watch it again. Still, more often trying out something new comes with new surprises and the reward of finding new joys. The thing is, what's described as "theme" is more a largely trending trope and not necessarily themes. Say, currently "found family" is all the trend in a way that more service-oriented products like SoC or the ACOTAR-series jams them in as hard as they can and spell out in monologues how misfits found each other. Sure, the ideas's kinda cute but the sincerity's lacking, has little to say than just existing as service. That in itself is fine, for personal escapism I can see why the trope appeals to many - sometimes it's enough to simply have such fiction existing and to be enjoyed. Still, there's a tangible distance of a topic being actively discussed within the text than considering how to make a certain book/show/play/movie/podcast etc. more appealing comfortable to enjoy for target audiences.

Thing is, perhaps you can tag content in Ao3 for your own liking, the current YA market relies strongly on spelling out the themes and oh-so-creative-obvious-trope subversion which shorten equally the viewer's as we as the creator's perspective at what topics and stories can be told.

#Lewis' ask box management #Anon

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alaina-achilles · 4 years ago

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challenge one

((sorry for the kinda short fic haha, I’m getting crazy busy with assignment deadlines smh. anyways thanks for the nice rp anna @arin-schreave. and love our rps as usual ana!! @itssara-oc @itzelbm-oc ))

The etiquette lesson was… uneventful. And I certainly was not ready to be thrown on so much information so early in the morning. Especially with an empty stomach. Luckily I’ve got that covered and ate a packet of oreos in my room before going out. And I’m also lucky I know most of the basics thanks to the gatherings my sisters and I are often forced to attend. My maids were really nice and they did my hair nicely and I opted for a simple and formal dress for the interview.

The interview.

I sigh as I think about it. To be honest, I’m quite… nervous. I've had many interviews in my life before and my mom has certainly prepared me well for each and every one of them. It’s not the cameras that worry me - I’ve had a few interviews with them before on my book and career… It’s the prince. I’m so used to knowing the interviewee well (by doing my research, of course) that I often know just what to say to please them and make them like me. But I know none of that about the prince.

I sigh and bite my lip and turn around to walk to the food when I see the girl I was hoping to see for the entire morning.

“Hey!” I say as a way of greeting. My friend looks up, sees me and immediately smiles.

“Achi!” I smile at the sound of my new nickname. Sara quickly pulls me into a hug. “that quick etiquette class was something…” she lowers her voice. “I'm sure I wasn't the only one who can feel the tense atmosphere.”

“I know what you mean... I’m glad I already know the basics... how are we supposed to learn all of that in one go” I agree with her, shaking my head as I feel sorry for those who have never learnt any of that before. We talk more about the class and decide to start piling food onto my plate. I hope nobody heard my stomach growl.

“You know I'm so tempted to ask to switch seats but I know it probably won't be the best idea.” Sara says as we groan about how far each other are.

I giggle at the thought of Sara asking another girl to switch seats. “yeah, i guess it’ll be a good chance for us to meet new people…” I frown as I stress about how I haven’t actually met anyone else yet. “Have you met any other girls yet?”

Sara chuckles. “I guess you can say that.” She cocks her head to the side and sighs “I've said a few words to some of them but I'm not sure anyone clicked with me like you. How about you?”

I smile at her words. “yeahh I havent really too…” I say with a shake of my head as I think of how I spent the whole night talking to my sisters instead of socializing. I turn to the drink selection and widen my eyes in awe. “I never knew there are SO many types of milk!”

“Ah milk something I wish I could drink but I'm lactose in tolerant” Sara replies with a giggle. “Anyway look at all the food. I'm just hoping to enjoy my time here!” She smiles, but for some reason, it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I don't feel like I'll last one. First of all the prince isn't in my opinion really aware that this is a selection, he has 35 girls hoping to ask for his hand in marriage. Second of all, as someone who was once thinking of marrying the so called love of my life I know he's not completely over his ex, and third there is going to be a lot of drama.”

I cock my head to the side as I think about her words, not expecting that. “Yeah I know what you mean... The prince doesn't seem happy at all.” I sigh. “I honestly don't know what to do with the interview later... hopefully he’ll find someone he can love and be happy about”

She shrugs in response. “I don't know how I'll introduce myself. I could smile and lie or tell him what I really think.” She bites her lip. “I really do hope he finds someone among these girls to make him happy. Or at least someone who would even remotely fall in love with him despite possibly being a rebound. Anyway, do you know who's gonna be at your table? Anyone you wanna be friends with?”

I nod at her words. “That’s true... I think I’d give him one chance, the interview, to see who he really is…” I say with a smile. Sometimes I forget that this selection goes both ways too. I’m not the only one who has to be liked by the prince. “I’m not sure but I think Itzel’s on my table... I haven't met her yet but she was sitting near me during the etiquette class so yeah. You?”

“I wish I could but I myself am in a similar situation as him. And I feel awful I took a place of someone who would have tried harder. Or at least wanted this. Anyways, I'll be cheering for you!!” She says with a smile. “What kind of vibes does she give? She seems cold and intimidating to me. Jen and Andromeda, and a couple more. They seems nice. I just hope I'll be able to make small talk.”

I thank her with a smile. “And I hope you also find the one you love and loves you back... “ I pause as I think about her question. “Itzel... I don’t know, she seems like a bit cool and we didn't say much just now. Hopefully some good food will cheer her up!”

We continue chatting about Itzel and other stuff as we continue to fill our plate. We finally decide to finish our conversation to go and enjoy our food after a short while. I tell her good luck with finding new friends.

She nods and gives me thumbs up. “I will try my best, Achi.” For some reason, I feel like she’s acting a bit off, but I brush it off as nerves from the interview. But as we walk away, I turn back around and mouth “thanks bun” to which she smiles in response. I sigh and look at my plate of food happily as I walk back to my table.

“Hi, Itzel, right?” I say to the girl near me.

She smiles politely, nodding in acknowledgement. “Hello and you are correct, I am Itzel.” She hums in thought as she looks at me. “I am trying hard to remember names and faces, I am bad at this so I am sorry for not quite knowing. I believe your name starts with an A, right?”

I brighten up at her guess. “Yup!! I’m Alaina!” I look at my plate. “How’s the food?” Food is always a good topic to start off.

She chuckles. “Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Alaina. It is delicious. There's quite a few things that are new to me so I'm very happy right now.. You'll enjoy the food very much. Are you excited to meet the Prince after this?”

I smile at her reply and take a bite of my food and widen my eyes. “this IS good!!” I laugh. “ I am! And also quite nervous”

We continue to talk more and I learn that Itzel is into neuroscience.

“Wow neurology and neuroscience... I did a few psychology courses in uni and I struggled so badly with the neuro stuff.” I tell her truthfully with a laugh. “You are one brave girl for wanting to do that.”

Itzel turns out to be super nice as we get to know each other. She also helped calm my nerves as we finished our lovely breakfast. I make a mental note to tell Sara about it.

“Anyway, let your other friend know I'm not THAT bad. I could see her shake every time she looked at me.” Itzel tells me as we stand up, seeming to have read my mind.

“I definitely will!! And good luck on your interview with the prince!” I tell her with a laugh. She smiles and wishes the same to me and soon we are ushered into a waiting room. I look around to find Sara, but can’t see her as I scan the room a few times. I shake my head, she’s probably touching up in the bathroom. I sigh and before I can even choose a new girl to talk to, I’m called into the room.

I take a deep breath and hold my head high like Mom always tells us to as I step into the room filled with cameras. I smile at the cameras and try to keep my walking natural and elegant.

You can do this.

And if all goes wrong, blame your sister. She caused all of this anyways.

I hide my smile at the silly thought and turn my focus to the gorgeous guy that is the prince. While I may not know the prince well, one thing I know for sure. He is definitely good-looking. Despite the lack of a er genuine smile. He must not have been taught acting in his education. I think with a giggle as I keep my smile intact. I don’t miss him looking at my name tag. And I guess, he also didn’t take the time to learn our names.

“Good morning, Lady Alaina, please have a seat.” He says formally, motioning to the sofa.

“Good morning, your highness.” I say with a smile before pausing in slight anxiety. Do I curtsy or…? I decide to quickly bob into one before sitting down hastily. I can instantly hear my mom’s voice in my head.

Be professional, Alaina. Stop with the fidgeting nonsense. You’re a lady, Alaina. And don’t ever drop that smile. You know that’s one of your best physical traits.

Prince Arin sits down next to me gracefully and angles his body towards me. “How are you doing this morning?”

A simple and straight-forward question.

I place my hand on my lap as my mom has taught me to since I was a little kid. “I’m good. I met some of the other girls and that was quite interesting-” I answer. “And also what you’ve been doing the whole morning.” I add with a laugh. “How’s yours?”

He nods at me. “It’s going well, thank you. Did you sleep well?” I vaguely remember some random guy saying their morning had been bad but now that they’ve met me, theirs is perfect. I almost laugh at the memory.

Focus, Alaina.

“I didn't sleep for very long as I was busy talking to my sisters.” I tell him truthfully as I smile fondly at the thought of my sisters. “But the sleep is good, the bed is really comfy!”

He nods. “I’m glad you were able to speak with them. Big changes can be difficult.” His eyes go to the cameras then back to me. I wonder what is he thinking. Does he wish for them to be gone like I do? I wonder if he is different when away from the cameras. I catch myself almost frowning at the thought but quickly smooths my face back to the perfect smile. “Which province are you from?”

“Atlin.” Then I decide to try to make him smile. My friends laugh a lot at this alliteration. “Alaina Achilles of Atlin.”

He does not smile. “And what do you do in Atlin?” I almost frown again as I realize how factual his questions are. All of them should be written in my profile or something…

Maybe it’s all just for the cameras.

“I just got my degree and was in the process of finding a job. I ended up deciding to give writer another try.”

He nods again. “What kind of writing do you do?”

“Fiction…” I look a bit embarrassed as I think about my published book that I’m not very proud of. It was definitely not my best work. I sigh and lower my voice so that only he can hear. “Okay fine, y’all prolly have had people stalked us thoroughly so no point in hiding this... “ I say then louder “I wrote and published a book a few years ago.”

He does not just nod at this! “Oh.” He pauses as his head bobs. “What kind of book? I didn’t read your files so I’m not up to speed on your accomplishments.”

Guess the questions aren’t just for the cameras then.

I almost scoff at his choice of words. “Accomplishments” make this really sound like a job interview. Perhaps it is, in a way. So instead I act surprised and look down as I realize I have to tell him about my book in front of cameras. Not like the media doesn’t know about this already. “it’s a um teen romance…”

“I haven’t read any books from that genre but I’m sure it must be wonderful. Being published is an accomplishment.”

Accomplishment.

“It’s not... it’s a cheesy book written by a sixteen year old…” I peeks at him through my eyelashes. “I’m sure you’re gonna laugh if u ever came across it.”

And for the first time, he actually shakes his head instead of nodding it. “I tend to stick to non fiction so I think you’re safe.” He finishes with a weird expression that looks suspiciously like a ghost of a smile. I soften as I realize how much this is bugging him as it’s bugging me and decide to laugh it off to ease the tension.

“Well it’s actually called “the bad boy ruined my project” so I’m not really worried. Do you like reading?”

“I do, if I can find the time. Your book sounds like something my sister would enjoy.” He looks a teeny bit more relaxed as we talk about something less er formal.

I nod. “Well, then I’ll recommend it to her when I see her. Any favorite genres?”

“I’ll read mostly anything.” I almost roll my eyes at his answer that tells me nothing about him. He glances over at his watch then looks back to me. “Thank you for speaking with me this morning, Lady Alaina, it’s been a pleasure.” He says as he stands up. “I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay.”

I instantly nod and stand up as well, relieved that this is finally over. “Thank you for your time, your highness. The pleasure’s mine.” I tell him with a smile as I awkwardly bob another curtsy. “You too.” I say as he just looks at me without any expression at all. I hold back a sigh and smile at the cameras again and give them a little wave as I walk back out of the room.

I take a deep breath the moment I step out of my room. I really need to talk to someone. That interview was… nothing that I ever had before. I think about going back into the waiting room, but I really am not in the mood of making small talk with other girls. So I decide to go back into my room. Since I’m one of the first few girls to have finished the interview, the halls should be nice and quiet.

As I walk up the stairs to my room, I hear a bit of hushing and then a closing of a door followed by the sound of the door locking. I ignore the sound as I walk past the first two rooms to my room. As I walk past Sara’s room. I pause. There seems to be someone else in the room with her… But I know for sure, she isn’t due to have her interview until later…

I shake my head and decide she has probably met a new friend. Despite myself, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. Even Sara’s making new friends, probably someone she enjoys the company of over me since I haven’t been to her room before. What am I doing here? I ask myself as I walk into my own room and unzip my dress.

Not bothering to pull my dress off, I reach for my phone and call my sisters.

#challenge #selection oc #alaina #sara #itzel #arin

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