#(i’ll also maybe do a main/exclusives one sometime soon - that just comes w me feeling like logging onto carrd which i do not currently

[theha1rarch]

quick little affiliates call? i’m planning on editing once i get on later & i figured i’d put a call up since i will be anyways & i’ve been thinking abt it :) <3

[mecha-velli]

i rlly don't think I'm self hating or whatever for thinking it's fine if someone has a preference for trans dudes... or like specifically I enjoy it? like there are lots of ways to be a transphobic creep and only some of those coexist with preference, and only some ppl with preferences are creeps idk... I think context matters. I'm more wary of pan+poly+cis dorks with greasy hair who claim not to have any preference than like, a normal respectful chaser. and like ok if someone is like mostly just into women and then likes some trans dudes (for whatever reason) I'm more likely to side-eye them but even then there's legitimate reasons sometimes. but like I think especially if someone is into men basically exclusively, and then specifically prefers trans men, there is likely an ok reason for that am I crazy? like... I don't think I am. I get if it's not for u but like... idk maybe I'll end up having a bad experience and I'll change my mind. but as for right now I kinda can't imagine that anyone who experiences sexual attraction truly feels neutral about bodies? like I think either you're going to like what's going on w my body or you're gonna dislike it. maybe it's bc I'm almost-sorta dating a non-trans gay dude (a monosexual lmfao) with a preference for trans guys but like, he didn't bring up that preference until I asked him abt it? bc I wanted reassurance that I'm not like gross to him.. and it was v comforting to know that he's Into it. but idk I mean probably some of the stuff I engage with is a little problematic idk. but like as someone who's non-op I guess I just like enjoy having my real actual body be valued. ig there's also the importance of the trans imaginary when it comes to both social n sexual relationships, but I think chasers also have a good chance of being able to engage in that.

also in the case of Boy specifically like he is also ~90% exclusively attracted to bigger guys and that also doesn't bug me at all... why should it. vast majority of dudes think we're nasty and that's a preference I gotta live with, why not also b chill with preferences that benefit me. additionally like idk. so what if someone has a type, like I definitely do. he likes boyish big dudes with weird relationships to masculinity, so ofc he likes trans guys.

also he likes poetry n writerly shit n intellectuals n extremely online people n whatnot. I'm learning the few things about myself that aren't his ideal and thankfully he is too. like I'm not older n more mature than he is; we're both working out how to be good to other ppl. but at least I'm at a place where I can hopefully meet him where he's at and we can both challenge each other to grow. I also don't know much about jrpgs. we also seem to have pretty different perspectives on sex but I, at least, am incredibly refreshed by his approach so far. there are probably other ideals which I shall shatter, but I hope they are also manageable human flaws rather than irreconcilable differences lol. still hoping he's not a scary evil person, and that I am also not a scary evil person. would really like it if neither of us destroyed the other.

talking with him abt my past and some of the stuff going on there and he is seeming to be quite understanding... but also there appears to be a similar darkness in his past which I am concerned about. if someone hates him the way my exes hate me, either he also met a real lunatic or... maybe he did something real bad. I'm scared for that conversation. he mentioned kinda taking advantage of his last bf and that does alarm me a bit even though he seems to be actively trying to grow in the wake of that.

I can't believe at first I was gonna post some of this to my main lmao girl u crazy for that one. speaking of crazy. he seems to be continually undaunted by my mental illness stuff but I wonder if he really has a handle on what all that means. does he reckon himself to be a saviour of sorts? does he think he's some shining white knight? like he's gonna idk... idk man. and like I was honest with him that one of the possibilities that excites me about pursuing a relationship with him is that he seems to provide some kind of room to heal. he is so gentle with me and like assertive and capable of having difficult conversations without shutting down (at least so far). but like I don't see him as a white Knight. I see him as a person that I can pursue emotional health and wellness with, without endangering myself hopefully. but what does it mean for him? what kind of growth does he see for himself in me? does he just see me as an opportunity for him to learn how compassion and ethics and principles work? bc I wouldn't like to be the person who taught him how to love lol...

I hate that I'm thinking so damn far in the future. like I'd like very much for him to be se great guy but I already feel myself clamping up and convincing myself that he's the only person who could be attracted to me. I have to actively remind myself that there are several people who are and have been attracted to me. and there will be many more. chances are that this relationship will not last forever, even if I'm already in fucking ltr mode mentally. I'm trying to predict what the problems will be so that they won't surprise me when they come.

possible problems: he or I meet someone geographically closer + fall in mad passion with them. I scare him away by broadcasting too many of my breakdowns to him, especially if I share my suicidality/true crime obsession/belief that I'm an evil sociopath/ whatever, and just generally be inconsolable enough times until he's worn down completely. I make fun of him and get too mean about it. he turns ace and I start fucking random dudes. he becomes emotionally unavailable and I become needy. he has problems that I can't solve. I never get over my awkwardness about his pain bc I can relate to almost none of it. he decides pussy isn't for him anymore. he drifts too far from gay boy gender-wise and I lose interest. we end up having to move to REALLY different places for work n life. he rapes me. he can't get over the fact that certain things abt me might not go away with recovery. he can't deal with my flirtatious ways. we move in and realize we can't stand each other. we have sex too soon and he loses interest. I'm bad at sex and he loses interest. he realizes my naked body is a shambling horror. he just gets scared of my feelings and the fact that I have them. my career amounts to nothing and he gets suck of supporting me through it

I'm too sleepy to go on