#(i would like to dedicate this fic to noirandchocolate)

[ckret2]

The 18th Most Horrible X-Mas Ever

Hey have an Invader Zim fanfic, merry Christmas.

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The warning sirens wailed first, followed shortly by the announcement broadcast to every corner of the city: “YOU BETTER WATCH OUT... YOU BETTER WATCH OUT... YOU BETTER WATCH OUT...”

Most buildings stood dark and streets lay empty. Almost everyone had already evacuated to the underground bunkers except for a few desperate last-minute holiday shoppers, packed into the few open malls and big box stores, snatching gifts off shelves in a haze of terror and frantic holiday cheer.

As the sirens cut through the store speakers’ Christmas pop songs, shoppers scrambled over each other to escape and terrified retail employees crouched behind their cash registers to avoid the customers’ wrath. The stragglers smuggled their gifts under their clothes and watched the skies fearfully as they ran to the nearest bunker entrances.

But it wasn’t until a jolly red light began flashing on the cold gray horizon that the hangars around the edge of the city began opening to unleash the mecha.

“I want you to know I hate y—mpgh!” Dib’s face got shoved into the side of the Krampus 3000 as Zim scrambled on Pak legs over him to get into the mecha’s access hatch first. Dib rubbed his jaw, then scrambled up the built-in ladder twice as fast. “I really, really hate you, Zim!”

“Yes, yes of course you do!” Zim’s voice echoed from somewhere deep inside the mecha’s head. He was probably already making his way to the gunner seat in the chest. “You only remind me EVERY YEAR.”

“And it gets MORE TRUE every year!” Dib slammed the hatch shut and dropped heavily into the pilot’s seat, flipping the switches to power up his station. By the time the hologram display popped up showing Zim in the gunner seat, he’d already removed his human disguise and was plugging himself into the heavily-customized weapon instrument panel via the cybernetic implants he’d added to his temples. Dib pointed accusatorially at hologram Zim, “We should have been booted up and ready to launch long before the sirens started! If you hadn’t delayed us because you wanted to finish whatever stupid pet project you’re working on now—!”

“The time for bickering is over, human!” Zim snapped. “Reports out of Japan said that the Santa is seventy percent larger than we anticipated this year, and he’ll have only gained mass as he swept west. We’ve got to prepare for a worst case scenario.”

Dib groaned, his forehead thunking down on the Krampus 3000′s pilot controls. “Dad promised we’d have exterminated Santa in five years. I’m almost thirty. Why am I still fighting Santa. Why is this my life.”

“Why are you asking me?!” Zim demanded. “It’s your planet’s stupid EvilSanta Loving Federation that sabotaged your paternal unit’s plan!”

“I hate the E.L.F.,” Dib mumbled into the controls. “But not as much as I hate you.”

“Head up, Dib-filth. I need you focused on not being too stupid a pilot for me to demonstrate Krampus 3000′s full potential with the weapons system.”

Dib raised his head, glowering at hologram Zim. “I’m a great pilot.”

“Hah! Sure you are.”

“I swear, Zim, if you weren’t the best gunner available...”

Smugly, Zim said, “If I wasn’t, Santa would have flattened your planet by now.”

Dib grumbled a reluctant acknowledgment.

The massive screens around Dib booted up, ran through a quick diagnostics, and then switched to showing the hangar around them and the opening doors. The red flashing on the horizon illuminated half the sky. The jingling of millions of sleigh bells crackled like thunder. Dib shivered in fear.

There was a beep as a second hologram opened up, a transmission from the ground commander to the mecha units. “All right, it’s T-minus two minutes until the vanguard of Santa’s troops is expected to hit the city. It’s gonna be bigger than we anticipated, but I’ve trained you for this. Remember your training! If any one of you acts like a newb out there and I’m forced to remotely assume control of your unit, you will be paying for your incompetence until next Christmas. Dib?!”

Dib flinched down in his seat. “Yes, commander?”

Gaz pointed directly at him. “Do. Not. Disappoint. Me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay. Remember, troops! Santa might step on you, but I can make it hurt so much more personally. Make me proud! Gingerbread cookies when you get back.”

There were weak cheers from the other pilots and gunners. As the boot up sequence completed and Dib directed the Krampus 3000 to take the first lumbering steps out of the hangar, he heard Zim mutter, “Oh, Gir loves when I bring those thingies home.”

“Now go kick his jolly red butt!” Gaz’s transmission closed.

"Okay, what's out strategy?" Dib asked.

"Same as last year! Head for Rudolph!" Its massive antlers, a twisted bramble of steel girders, were just visible over the horizon. “I still want back that big red power core the E.L.F. stole from me.”

If they brought down Rudolph, they’d be the heroes of the year—and make up for last year’s devastating blunder. Dib punched the controls forward and the Krampus 3000 charge ahead of the others, heading for the source of the ominous red glow. “Okay, fine, but this time no severing the reins connecting Rudolph to the others! You remember what happened last year?”

Zim shuddered. “Hey, cutting the power cables from Rudolph’s power core to the other eight mecha-moose was a great strategy! How was I supposed to know it would make Rudolph nine times stronger?”

“They’re robo-reindeer, Zim. Reindeer.”

“Oh, whatever!”

Rudolph apparently recognized them. As soon as his mechanical, white, dead eyes locked on the Krampus 3000, he let out a ground-shaking bellow and charged forward, dragging the other eight reindeer along with him. Dib grabbed for his antlers to keep him from snapping at their mecha’s face while Zim unloaded a barrage of plasma missiles into Rudolph’s chest.

“Get the thing!” Zim shrieked.

“The what?!” Dib leaned back in his seat as Rudolph’s titanium teeth snapped seemingly inches from his face. No doubt he was just a few feet from Krampus’s nose.

“The thing! The thing! It’s right in front of you! The glowy!”

“Rudolph’s nose?!”

“YES!”

“If I let go of his antlers he’ll eat me!”

“So?! The Gaz can take control from you!”

“Do you really want her judging your shooting while she pilots?!”

“... Ehh...”

Dib managed to twist Rudolph’s head sideways hard enough to make him stumble off balance and got him in a headlock. “HA!” He grasped with his free arm at Rudolph’s nose as the robo-reindeer flailed in his grip.

“Hey! Dib! Pay attention! Comet and Dancer coming up on our... eh...” From the corner of his eye, Dib could see Zim pulling out the analogue clock he referred to when he had to give human directions. “Ten o’clock and two o’clock!”

“So shoot them!”

“I am!” The rumbling of constant laser fire echoed from up both sides of Krampus 3000′s torso. “They’ve upgraded their armor! It’s barely scratching their paint! We need to retreat!”

“Not... until... I...” With one more wild flail, Dib got Krampus’s mitt around the tip of Rudolph’s muzzle. With a hard twist, he ripped out the power core. “YES!”

“We got it?! HA! We got it! Zim reigns triumphant over—”

“I did all the work.”

“ZIM REIGNS TRIUMPHANT!” Dancer headbutted them over. “Oh, the other mecha-moose have independent power sources this year.”

Dib desperately tried to kicked out Dancer’s knees. “You don’t say!” A spray of fireworks from one of Krampus’s arm cannons was enough to blind Comet, who tripped over Dancer as the Krampus 3000 scrambled back and got to his feet again. Dib turned the mecha’s head as he scanned the battlefield, checking on how the other mecha were faring against the reindeer—and froze, jaw dropped in horror.

Santa dominated the horizon, his massive twisted white beard like the snowy peak of a mountain. “Oh, this is—This is so much worse than Japan warned us.”

“Where did he find so much Christmas cheer?” Zim asked, voice nearly soft with horror. “The E.L.F. couldn’t have dug out this many bunkers for him!”

“Maybe they’ve started manufacturing it,” Dib said grimly. “The rumors of the stronghold they’ve built at the North Pole—”

“Of course! Rrgh! I knew we should’ve investigated it back in October! You said the idea was stupid.”

“No, I said you’d have to be stupid to think I was going to let you seize control of a stronghold like—”

Rudolph bit Krampus’s wrist. Dib screamed in shock and started punching his face. “He’s going for his nose! He’s going for his nose!”

Zim fired off a missile twice the diameter of Rudolph’s eye, exploding his entire head.

Dib stumbled back, clutching the power core close to Krampus’s chest as the robo-reindeer paused to survey their fallen ruler. “Thanks! Wow! I didn’t know we had that thing!”

“I was hoping to save it send it through Santa’s stupid gelatinous heart!” Zim said. “But I don’t think it’s going to do any good now.”

"Probably not.” Dib stared up at the mountain. “Look at him. We might just have to hold him back while the city evacuates. Even if we take out the rest of the reindeer, I don’t think we’re going to stand a chance.”

“Oh ye of little faith in Zim.”

“Oh no.” Dib glanced over at the hologram. “You have a backup plan, don’t you.”

“Remember when you were complaining about my ‘delaying’ you?” Zim said, casually pulling some sort of controller out of his Pak. “Something about my ‘stupid pet project’?”

“Please tell me you don’t have a backup plan. Tell me you didn’t.”

Zim’s smirk said he did. “Why don’t you turn around?”

Dib realized most of the other mecha had already turned back to face the city. Slowly, he joined them.

A dozen hamsters twice as tall as the city’s highest skyscrapers were dragging themselves out of the ground like zombies out of their graves. Metal reindeer antlers were jammed into their skulls, the lights on the tips flashing red and green as they received the transmissions from Zim’s controller.

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.” Zim chuckled wickedly. “I call them Mega Ultra Peepis. Or—for this battle—Krampus’s Little Helpers.”

“Ohhh no.”

Zim lifted up his controller. “Oh, Little Helpers?” he said. “It is time for you to fulfill the glorious purpose that ZIM has given you! Come! Join the battle against the Santa!”

With murderous hisses, the hamsters charged toward the battlefield, mouths open wide and yellow teeth gleaming.

Dib really, really hoped they were going for Santa instead of the mecha.

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Fic crossposted to AO3, link to the fic in the source of this post and link to my AO3 in my blog description. If you’d like to drop me a tip, link’s also in my description. Merr crimmus.