#(i haven’t followed your oc yet bc i wasn’t sure but like. honestly just message me. i’m game.)

[akuzeisms]

   ⬐ @seeasunset ⬎

🥰 - I’m following you because I love your writing and content and I just want to read your stuff ➕ - Other reason(s) - I forgot if I filled out your interest checker and didn't want to fill it out twice if I did but!! I just came to say hello!!

first of all I am SO SORRY I took an eternity to answer this—but I have been the biggest slowpoke in life as of late

but I’m glad you enjoy my content & writing, slow as it comes! As for my interest tracker, you did fill it out, so that’s all fine there—but if you’re ever not sure, or you forget, or you just wanna double check (and this goes for anyone reading this), seriously, just ask. I understand being forgetful or being like “wait, did I or didn’t I?” and I’m more than happy to give a yay or nay. It doesn’t bother me at all. It signals to me that you respect my boundaries & want to be sure that you’re respecting them by doing so. I also don’t mind if interactions are just once in a while, as long as you engage with me! Engaging doesn’t have to be in-character writing, or actively writing, it could just mean we chat on headcanons or pictures I post, or fun little dash games, sending little asks, that kind of thing. Obviously, writing is preferred, but sometimes things just don’t click. As long as I don’t feel like I don’t exist on your dash, that’s all that matters to me.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #80

oh wow, sorry for the inactivity ya’ll.  been busy with moving and no internet...

is your hair damaged?   no, it's very healthy, actually.  people love my hair, makes me feel amazing tbh ;;u;; who was the last person you threw out of your life?    um idk really.  i rarely throw people out... i believe in fixing relationships.  most, realistically, are salvageable. how many hours did you sleep last night?   like... none. e_e has someone disappointed you recently?   yes.  a friend was acting rather immature last night. do you prefer hot or cold weather?   COLD COLD COLD are you afraid of roller coasters?   yup. are you shy?   VERY!!! do you hate it when you go over to someone’s house and do absolutely nothing?   no, so long i have my phone or laptop. what color is the hair of the last person you kissed?   black does the last person you kissed wear glasses?   nope you’re on your way home from a night out, and you’re sure someone is following you. what do you do?   drive to the nearest police station. what colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes?   only black what color ARE your lashes?   black what font do you usually use?   a small version of arial or garamond. do you put gel or mousse in your hair?   i do not. ever used to have an imaginary friend?   no actually. ever used a dreamcatcher? if so, did it work?   nope. ever took ballet, jazz, or tap dancing classes?   jazz, hip hop, clogging, modern... wear a specific necklace every day?   i do not. are you an affectionate person?   very. what is something you are proud of?   graduating in the highest tier of my graduating class. time of day you were born?   11:20 A.M., i think. are you a boy or girl?   girl how do you want to die?   idk, really.  some pretty painless way. ever made out in the bathroom?   no. are you scared of spiders?   most. do you have piercings? how many?   yes, two in each earlobe.  i've HAD many more, buuut... long story. want any more?   yep.  labret on lip, snake eyes on tongue, right side of nose, more on my ears... have you ever been on a horse?   i have. have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?   i have, much to my dismay. do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?   doubt it. ever been to alaska?   i wish! what’s your zodiac sign?   aquarius do you like subway?   ye what is your least favorite color?   brown or like, puke green. do you like to read?   not anymore, no. what’s something you’re really passionate about?   m e e r k a t s ! ! ! ever been bitten by a snake?   nope a spider?   not to my knowledge ever had a job? if so, what and for how long?   two, yes.  gamestop sales clerk for like a month.  dollar general cashier for legit four days lmao. ever won yourself a stuffed animal?   sure ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal?   i think. do you like lollipops or suckers?   yeah, sure. favorite fruit?   strawberries favorite vegetable?   broccoli favorite meat?   chicken do you drink energy drinks?   nope. ever used crest white strip?   no, but i'd like to. do you want to cut your hair?    i need it trimmed. do you have any scars?   shin and chin is your profile private?   my facebook one?  yes. what artist do you have the most songs for in your itunes/music library?   ozzy osbourne or metallica what’s your blood type?   a- do people ever say your name wrong? how do they say it?   no.  it's such a common name, so. which do you like better, biographies or autobiographies?   autobiographies, imo. do you think that your parents give you a lot of freedom?   even at 21, no. which do think is classier, black clothes or white clothes?   black have you ever seen a ghost? explain:   idk.  i KNOW i've seen some inhuman entity walking on all fours once before, but idk if it was truly a "ghost" do you like oatmeal?   eh, i'm picky.  can't have too much milk, i'll tell ya that for sure. are any of your friends in a band?   no. what is the worst food experience you’ve had?   eating brussel sprouts omg never again do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog.  same thing, just different shoes for a different sound effect. what’s your favorite flavor of skittles?   RED OMG when was the last time you used oil pastels?   high school art class do you know who edward gein is?   hmmmm... wasn't he some serial killer or even a satanist, something along those lines?  name sounds familiar.  think there's a character in the silent hill franchise in his name. if pot was finally legalized, what would you do?   idk if it's legal in nc, but anyway, i still wouldn't do it. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?   inside do you prefer an automatic or a manual transmission?   automatic who is your favorite disney character?   not sure, maybe mufasa. if you’re staying home all day, do you bother getting changed or do you just stay in your pajamas?   stay in pajamas. if you don’t drive - how come? if you do - how old were you when you got your license?   i have my permit, but i don't drive much because of anxiety.  i am a nervous wreck, and i'm not comfortable endangering other's lives. have you ever caught a tadpole?   ye. (: what kind of dog would you get if you could choose any breed?   right now, a chow chow. how often do you listen to rap?   like never. do you have the boobs to work at hooters?   boobs, maybe, but not the body.  granted, i'm only a d because of my weight.  when i wasn't overweight, i was a c. are you wearing a ring, if so who gave it to you?   yes, and my mama. if someone of importance checked your profile, would you be embarrassed?   what profile, my facebook?  not really. has anyone ever told you “forever”?   AND YET HE'S NOT HEEEEEREEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :D which is harder - walking in the snow or sand?   sand, omg. do you like sour candy?   YEAH in one word, how would you describe your best friend?   honest. is there a song that reminds you of your best friend?   "friends" by... i think it's blake shelton?  she's established that's "our song," which i think is so cute. ;w; what's annoying you right now? even just a little bit counts.   okay so a friend from high school was talking to me via facebook last night, and he just... did something that REALLY got under my skin.  first let my say that in high school, he admitted to liking me.  i liked him as a friend; i hadn't known him long enough to really establish an "i like-like you" attitude yet.  well, we drifted apart, not that there was ever anything much holding us together.  anyway, he and i were messaging each other for a very short period of time when he asked me if i was seeing anybody, said no, then he asked if i liked him, and i was just like... uhhhh... no???  bc i haven't seen him since high school???  sooo tell me how i would have any valid feelings???  and more importantly, tell me how he'd have valid feelings for ME after so long???  idk, it just honestly pissed me off because it made me feel like he was after an easy piece of meat with no emotional connection.  he hasn't messaged me back yet, and i, frankly, don't care if he does or doesn't. have you ever painted a car?   no are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough?   no.  the worth isn't there, imo. have you ever been into a real cave?   oh, i wish!! have you ever posted mean comments on youtube?   oh i can say with certainty i have as a pre-teen.  i was an obnoxious lil shit when i first started actively using the internet. what was the main subject of your last telephone conversation?   i was telling mom i was throwing up, so my anxiety was bad. have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated?   yup. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?   mike's hard, i think. do you think the next person you kiss will be a better kisser than the last person you kissed?   impossible. is your all-time favorite television show still on air?   i wish, but no. are looks important in a relationship?   very!!  very!!  slightly!!!!  i believe emotional chemistry is incalcuably more important, but simultaneously, having a physical attraction to your partner is something that increases your connection.  i used to not believe this and you probably don't either, but ponder over it for a while.  it does hold slight weight. do you believe in love at first sight?   absolutely not, it's rubbish to believe you can "love" somebody just by fucking looking at them.  the idea is laughable. do you ever want to get married?   i do. do you shower every day?   no, that's horrible for your skin.  i shower every two days. have you ever experienced unrequited love?   yes and tbh i'd rather die have you ever written a song or poem for someone?   poems, yes. what’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?   i don't actively look for it, but hmmm... i'd say decent/healthy teeth. who are five people you find attractive?   1.) link neal is actually daddy; 2.) jason/my ex; 3.) adam levine ain't bad; 4.) chris hemsworth; 5.) oh my actual god i almost forgot mark fischbach/markiplier what's your profile picture?   i'mma cover for... almost everywhere.  this tumblr: me; main tumblr: link neal; facebook: me; km rpg: rhett mclaughlin laughing; deviantart: my oc what's your dad's name?   kenneth, but everyone just calls him "ken" do you still have feelings for an ex?   very strong ones do you like the rain?  ye!! what is your favorite fruit flavor?   strawberry which two friends can you see together as a couple?  idk, i don't really "ship" my friends what was the happiest moment in your life?   dancing to "stairway to heaven" with jason on prom night, in my front yard, in the headlights of his old truck. would you be brave enough to spend an entire hour alone in a cemetery?   yeah. got a phobia you want to share?  whale sharks.  lmao. how many places have you traveled to? name them.   new york, michigan, florida, ohio, tennessee, virginia... who are the 3 greatest living musicians?  oh god.  errr ozzy osbourne, otep shamaya, james hetfield. what’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?   michigan do you feel like a leader or a follower?   i'm a follower, usually. if you had to live in a different state, what would it be?   utah would you rather win an olympic medal, an academy award or the nobel peace prize?   nobel peace prize what is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?  "the rite" scared me ONLY bc i am horrified by the idea of being raped by a demon, nevermind satan what is your favorite thing about the beach?   the shells and starfish! what’s the worst thing you did as a kid?   i hit my little sister multiple times would you ever donate blood?   i have before, but idk if i would again.  it was so stress-inducing. do you wear hats?   no. have you ever seen your best friend cry?   i have. have you ever been a vegetarian?   nope. do you find lube pointless for regular old intercourse (not anal)?   yeah, honestly.  if you're technically turned on, your body pretty much takes care of it? which sex position would you find more awkward: anal or some really crazy vaginal intercourse position (check wikipedia if you can’t think of any crazy ones)?   anal will always be weirder to me. do you ever wear temporary tattoos as an accessory?    no. when was the last time you had a panic attack?   two nights ago what’s your favorite color to wear?   black.  it's a flattering color. clay, crayons, markers, pastels, charcoal, or paint?   pastels have you ever broken anything because you were mad?   no are you ticklish?   yup. why were you last hospitalized?   i tried to kill myself. do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes?   baked.  mashed is gross. do you like bread sticks?   omg you have no idea what state were you born in?   north carolina have you ever been to an art gallery?   sure. do you have the same political views as your parents?   most, yes. what are you listening to?   a jim gaffigan stand-up if you could make your lips bigger, would you?   IF i could just snap my fingers and it's be that way, maybe.  i'd have to look in the mirror again lol are you one to sneak food into movie theaters?   sure am. what’s the funniest commercial?   omg the sexy mr. clean one bc i CRY do you own any form of a gameboy?   we have three.  i think two are broken, though. what’s your favorite store in the mall?   hottopic. have you ever seen a cat with blue eyes?   ... yes? would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? which one more?   never bought condoms before, so i can't really say, but pads/tampons, nah man.  periods are just a totally natural part of life for a woman, nothing to be embarrassed about. if you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go?   hot topic is preferable what color is the computer/laptop you’re on? did you buy it yourself?   it's black, but it has a pink zebraprint cover on it.  and no, it's my older sister's technically, but now it's mom's. do you have a second home?   not anymore. does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you?   all of them.  the worst is weed though, oh my GOD it stinks. was the last person you kissed younger or older than you?   two years older. how often do you drink monster?   never.  it's nasty. have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends?   you forgot to mention cringey.  oh, the pre-teen years. do you own a nightgown?   no. have you ever worn fishnets?   for dance, probably.  i'm not sure. is someone in your family affected by asperger’s?   no. would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out?   *CHOKES ON DRINK* do you always wear your seat belt?   always! are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family?   welp.  here goes.  high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, asthma, depression, bipolarity, cancer is in question, and i can guarantee i'm forgetting some... do you have asthma?   no.  my mother and grandmother do, though. last person to take off your pants, besides you?   jason might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two?   so long i can bring my camera! do you have a bull ring through your nose?   no.  thought about it, though. do you and your dad get along?   yep. can you see your purse right now?   indeed. when you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?   yes.  i have allergies, so i sometimes use it even when i don't have a cold. do you actually like sneezing?   ... does anyone? do you wear skirts a lot?   i haven't worn a skirt in years. how many pairs of jeans do you think you have?   i have no jeans.  just yoga pants and sweatpants... are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets?   hell no. do you love your computer?   yes ;-; do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself?   with mom. do you like zombie movies?   no particular opinion. what’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom?   saw an old lady puke on the floor once when i was little.  scarred me for life. x-what’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen?   this was never told to me, but to my mother: let your husband be your head/be very submissive to everything he wants.  fuck that. have you ever volunteered in a hospital? if not, would you ever want to?   no no no no no no no. have you ever had to give a pet away?   cats, yes. did you play pretend a lot as a child? were there any recurring plots or themes?   oh definitely.  and i don't think so... has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong?   oh, you mean like evolution? have you ever meditated? if so, did it do anything for you?   not the whole "ooohhhmmm" deal, but yeah.  it only stressed me out. are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now?   ozzy osbourne- probably metallica- no otep- no marilyn manson- i don't believe so rammstein- no cradle of filth- don't know a day to remember- no what kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live?   besides birds, squirrels.  occasionally a possum at night. do you have any physical photo albums?   sure do. do your parents and grandparents get along with each other?   dad loves his dad, mom loves her mom, but she pisses her off and offends her a lot. do you have a favorite hoodie?   the one i'm wearing now!  it's dark gray with pikachu sleeping on it and it says "current mood." :3 do you have a twitter?   it exists, but i never, ever use it. is anyone in your family artistic?   besides me, my cousin is. what do you want to do after high school?   after high school, i went to a community college very briefly.  quit.  took a break.  went to a university.  quit. are you emo/gothic/punk?   eh. would you date someone 20 years older than you?   definitely not.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I think I’m just trying to drown something out but I’m left feeling thoroughly unsatisfied by everything. I keep rewatching old clips from shows that I finished watching, hoping that it will do the trick when in reality, I’m just hellishly bored! And it’s because I’m not being productive. I know I’m a day late with my reflection. I got home around 3:40am(?) last night and I knew that I could totally just stay awake and write my reflection real quick. There wasn’t even much to talk about. But I chose not to. I chose to just do it tomorrow morning. And then I woke up several times but chose to stay in bed until I literally could not handle sleeping any longer. Yes, I’ve been sleeping so much but I actually hate it. I want to be doing something with my life. I did start doing calligraphy but I could be doing so much more. I could be rereading old books or reading books that I bought but never bothered to reading the first place. I could have written those letters to P. Billy and P. Daisy and Andrew and David and everyone in between for their birthdays and farewells. But I didn’t. Instead, I wasted my life away. And granted, yes, I did do some things today. I actually talked to financial aid and though I didn’t leave with all the necessary information, I did get most of it. But I know that I could’ve been a lot more thorough with my research. But I just wanted to get it done and over with so that I could get back to my entertainment and saying, “sayonara” to my life. I have one more Tuesday left. Maybe I should go snowboarding with Andrew. Just to have something to do. Or maybe I’ll just pack all day but c’mon, it won’t take that long. I could easily finish everything on Monday and just do the last finishing touches Tuesday night or Monday morning. I don’t need that long. I know what I need to pack and what I want to order. And yes, I did my QT last night early and maybe I was just in a weird mood because it was the first day of my period but the reflection is usually the easy part and I couldn’t even do that. What if I didn’t do my QT early and we still stayed out that late? Then I would’ve missed two things. I want to be busy. I want to be productive. I need to be. I can’t live with myself when I’m just wasting my life away. And I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. It’s because of my parents though, I know that. They’re always on my ass, telling me to stop watching videos and to be productive and do something. And I do love to serve and be productive but sometimes I want to rest and I feel like I can’t when I’m living with them. But I don’t think that’s necessarily bad. Because I don’t want to just be a sloth and not get a 4.0 every semester and raise my 3.9 up, up, up. And I kind of want to confide in my friends and let them know that I’m so stressed out all the time because of my parents. But at the same time, I don’t. Because I don’t think it’s a bad thing and I don’t want them to just immediately side with me. I want them to be honest.

I think I’ve gotten a lot more blunt since I’ve been home and I’m hoping that that’s a good thing. And maybe I’ll make enemies as a result. I will probably make enemies as a result because not everyone wants to hear the truth. I’m your friend and I’m not just here to comfort you. I’m here to tell you what I’m really feeling and my objective perspective. And you can leave now if that’s what you want to hear. 

I’ve tried saying something to P. Billy and P. Daisy since retreat but when the moment comes, I always shy away. I was going to talk to them in person on day 2 for lunch. But I didn’t find them. I was going to talk to them after the service later that night. But they were leaving almost immediately after but I had the chance. P. Billy was right there and I didn’t take it. I could’ve looked harder for P. Billy and P. Daisy during lunch but I just gave up and prayed instead. I saw them both on Sunday and didn’t say anything. I could’ve made more of an effort to go to church last Sunday but I didn’t because I was afraid of feeling like an outsider again and not having the guts to tell them. I’ve had every single day as an opportunity to even Facebook message them so I haven’t. I don’t want to write a letter because there’s too much to say bc I’m honestly afraid there won’t be enough. I’m writing a letter because I don’t have the guts to say it in person. Because as much as I appreciate their bluntness, I know who I am and how I am and how much some of my habits annoy them and it just makes me feel like they’re just going to judge me if I’m honest. But the bottom line is that they really have changed my life in more ways than one and I was always excited to come back, just to hear their sermons. I don’t fit in at Sa-Rang. And I don’t know that I ever truly did. But they were always worth it. The service was always worth it. Because it was a time where I could really intimately come before God and it was okay. And that’s something that I am constantly longing for while in Chicago.

I wanted to talk to Jeanne about this but I was doing some thinking in the shower and she hasn’t responded yet. I’m going to help plan the lock-in and it looks like I don’t actually have a whole lot to do. I’m not tasked with doing the theme or organizing teams or anything like that. That seems to already be figured out. I’m just gonna be assigned to a certain job when we meet tomorrow and go from there. I’m just afraid that I’ll fall nicely into the shoes of serving and leading and the transition in becoming an “official leader” will come naturally and I’m not sure that’s what I want bc of how busy my schedule will be next year. That’s a huge time commitment that I don’t know if I’m ready to sign up for. But I imagined P. Josh asking if that’s what God wants for me and I replied that I had prayed about it and knew that I wanted to really invest into people this year but not necessarily as a leader. And I have a feeling that P. Josh knows and sees my heart to serve and wants to me to be a leader and I just don’t know if I’m spiritually ready for that. I’m definitely not ready to go back out onto the mission field again and spend every moment caring for someone else. And don’t get me wrong, it’s great out there. It really is. Guatemala changed my life. Always and forever. I was so happy. And I don’t think I’m in that state of mind anymore where I just care so much for other people that I don’t even have time to think about myself. For so long I spent my life helping others as a way to avoid facing my own problems. But it’s time that I do face my own issues head on and make active efforts toward fixing them.

I am afraid. Because my relationship with God has been rocky lately. And I really want to go back to Chicago bc during my time here, I’ve fallen victim to a lot more gossip just based off the people that I hang around. And I don’t want to put anyone down anymore. It sucked when I dealt with it in high school and no one deserves to feel so hated for something that they can’t control. My life has become a cycle of wanting so badly to go back to Chicago and wanting so badly to go back to OC. And it might be time to settle and choose where I would rather be. Instead of just trying to get away from my problems and suffering all the time. I need to fix this. And I know that this is so much easier said than done and I don’t really feel this as a resolve yet but this is something that I actually really want to do. 

And finally, onto yesterday. I... spent it pretty similarly to how I wasted it today. I woke up several times but refused to get out of my bed, even when the cleaning people came. I kept coming up with excuses to just be lazy in my mind instead of just doing it. Oh yeah, I actually got out of bed at 7am this morning and had every opportunity to actually follow through and do the damn dishes but I didn’t. Thinking that I’ll just do it later instead of just freaking doing it. But towards the end of the day, Andrew said that he would be going over to David’s to help him with his music and invited me to join. And I am really happy that the three of us got to spend time together again. Just the three of us. It was nice. And I was happy to help David with his music. Whether it was by being blunt or helping design or help figure out photoshop or titling the songs... it was nice. And I’m happy that I got to spend that time with them. It was actually pretty encouraging whenever David complimented my bluntness bc I do think it’s something I’m a bit insecure about. Ironically. I just wish I had been more upfront about where we should eat. I am happy that we ended up going to Mae’s Cafe and dining together and getting to spend more time together but there was the chance that we wouldn’t have and didn’t say anything against it. I just want another long car ride with them. A night out. Where we just talk about anything and everything as the road takes us wherever. And yes, it was awkward before. But I trusted them. And it was free. But idk, maybe it’s because we’re actually doing things now and this break is a lot shorter than summer but... I miss that. But y’know, I’m probably making it better than it seemed in my head. None of us ever just vented or broke down crying. Well, some of us vented. But it was never this, wild and emotional ride. It was just us driving mindlessly for hours. I miss that. But our dynamics are changing. I asked Andrew if he thought we would still be friends after college and he said he was afraid I was thinking of dropping him when I asked that which I really wasn’t! And I didn’t tell him this but he was very much occupied with Emily when they first got together and we rarely talked and it wasn’t weird. It just kind of happened. But I felt like I had lost a friend. And I am happy that we were able to reconnect and honestly, some of my dislike toward her is probably a result of that but I am afraid that if he starts dating someone again, we’ll just drift. And it’ll suck but it’ll happen. And he really has made my life so much better by being there for me time after time after time. And I don’t want to lose him but I also know that life has a course and you can’t keep friends forever. And it doesn’t feel like this is going to last. Jude was my absolute best friend in high school that I could literally talk to about anything—religion, God, school, family, anything. She was always there for me and she got it. But she has low self esteem and I just want the best for her and I don’t want to burden her. I truly wish for her happiness and nothing but. And I don’t want to ruin that or take that away from her. She was the single most important person in my life and still is. And I will never stop loving her. But things have changed and she got busier and we started leading different lives and that’s that. It happens. 

Finally, Grace. My dear friend Grace An. I am so glad that we are finally getting the opportunity to meet up on Friday and I’m really hoping she doesn’t back out of it because I’m really worried about her. I just have this gut feeling that she’s not okay and she’s depressed because of everything and trying so hard to do it on her own. But I am here for her and I really hope she knows that. I was so selfish when we last spoke but I want to be here for her 100% now. Really. I’m really worried about her. And she actually cares about me. She does. She gives a shit. I was so afraid that she was only reaching out to me because she pitied me but she didn’t. She actually went out of her way to compile those letters for me before I left. We spent a whole day at the Irvine Spectrum together and it was great. She is an incredibly kind person that really cares for others and wants the best for them and has an undeniably strong faith for the Lord. And yes, admittedly, I have felt some competition with her because I wanted to be better and really, be the best. But she is so genuine. And I just hope and pray that she is okay. And even if she’s not, that she knows that she has people that really love and support her. And will continue to do so, all the way through. I know she’s going through a hard time and I know that it can’t be easy. But she’s not alone. And I hope she knows that.