#(i have an idea but it's only presenting itself in first person bc the song that inspired it is in first person)

[paperbackpieces-makemewhole]

Gonna try something rq, lemme know if you guys like it

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[vanderlindemorgans]

Mr. Perfectly Fine

Rating: Teen

Pairing: Javier Peña x Reader

Word count: 5.2k

Summary: Two weeks after breaking up with you, you're picking up the pieces of your heart that had been broken by your now ex-boyfriend Javier Peña. You want answers, a clear reason as to why things fell apart. The only problem is that Javier refuses to even acknowledge your existence

Warnings: A little bit of period-typical sexism, but not much, Javier being an asshole, mentions of prostitution, some low level typical Narcos themes

Authors Note: So this idea has been swimming around in my head ever since the song was released last week. I already had a Bad Breakup fic for Javi planned but I’ve decided to extend it into three parts! Also reader speaks in English bc I do not understand a word of Spanish other than that one line in Ultraviolence. None of this is beta read, so there’s bound to be a few mistakes - if I get anything really wrong then let me know. 

Part 2 | MASTERLIST

The tension in the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. From the moment someone walked in they could feel it, the stifling air of awkwardness surrounding every single person in the room as they pretended to carry on with their work, averting their eyes to the spectacle presented in front of them, a war of agitation rife between two agents sitting across the room from each other as well as the unfortunate Steve Murphy who just happened to sit between you two. From your end it was simple silent fury, directed right across the room to where your partner, or rather, ex-partner, Javier Peña was seated at his own desk, casually leafing through mountains of paperwork and suspect photos as if you weren’t practically shooting daggers at him from across the way. 

He wasn’t doing anything, and that was exactly the problem - you wanted him to do something, say something, anything, if only it would show that he even gave a damn about the situation at all. But he never did. Every morning when he walked into work carrying a black coffee in his hands, his top shirt buttons hanging loose as they always seemed to be and his hair mustled as if he hadn’t been sleeping properly, he said nothing. He walked past you as if you weren’t even there, ignoring your stares and crashing down at his desk, ready to continue the endless chase for Pablo Escobar. And it infuriated you. Oh lord, how it made you burn. With every refusal of acknowledgement he gave, you became even more tempted to march right over to him and strike him across his stupid handsome face. You never did, of course, and you never would. Physical confrontation just wasn’t your style. Nevertheless, the mere thought of such did bring you a small bit of joy to your broken little soul. 

Things had been going like this for two weeks now. You hadn’t expected much on the first morning back in the office after what had happened between you. A part of you wanted him to come grovelling to you, insisting that he’d made a mistake and begging for you to take him back. That in itself was nothing more than a fantasy: Javier Peña was too proud to grovel. If anything, his behaviour shouldn’t have surprised you in the slightest. He was the one who broke up with you over a 27 second phone call, after all. 

Despite taking that into consideration, you thought by now you would have heard something from him. He’d have to talk to you eventually since you two were working the same case. Apparently no, because it appeared that he went out of his way to deliver every piece of correspondence meant for you through to Murphy, letting him act as a sort of unwilling middle man between the two of you. You knew that Steve already felt awkward enough having to be in the same room with the two of you whilst this was all going on, so your sympathy for him deepened when he was thrust into the even more awkward position of messenger. Sometimes you swore he made up fake meetings with Messina to attend to or new leads to investigate just so he could get away from the suffocating air of hate around you and Javi. And really, who could blame him?

You felt your nose twitch in annoyance as you trained your eyes forward to him, periodically looking down at various files of intel to keep up the facade that you were indeed working, though you eyes were across the room for most of the time, searching for any sign of emotion on his face. Nothing, zilch, not a single trace, his expression only showcasing general indifference, as if nothing were wrong at all. You gripped your hand tightly around the edge of your pen, thinking of everything you wished you could say to him. How’s your heart after breaking mine, Javi? For your information, ever since you pulled that bullshit on the phone, I’ve been miserable as all fucking hell. Before all that happened, I wanted to try. I was even ready to try to forgive you after that stupid fight, but you just had to make that call. You know what? I’d actually hate you less if you just acted like you cared a little that we broke up. But noooo, you’re just Mr. Perfectly Fine, what with your ignoring me and your casual cruelty, your always showing up at just the right time, and your insincerity, and the way you think everything fucking revolves around you. Well, I’ll tell you something Javi - I’m done! Absolutely done with you and your shit. Jump off a cliff for all I care!

“I’ll be back later on, gonna go follow up on a few leads” your thoughts were cut off by Javier’s abrupt announcement, your eyes gracing themselves upwards to watch him hastily scoop his jacket off the back of his chair and skulk his way out of the office. Every bitter word you wanted to say to him burned on your tongue, though you only managed to settle on a simple yet seething glare while his eyes glazed over you, rushing himself out of the room as quickly as humanly possible. You noticed Murphy look over his shoulder like he was about to say something but it was too late - Javi was already long gone. 

_______

Letting out a low groan of frustration, you slammed the door to your car shut and threw your head back against the seats headrest, the stress of the job and the emotional weight of the day combining to make you even more tired than you would usually be at the end of a long day. Javier hadn’t been back to the office since he left, leaving both you and Murphy to pick up all the work he’d left in his absence. If that wasn’t infuriating enough, the thought of him running around all of Bogotá just to avoid seeing you brought your anger to new unreachable heights. It was annoying - him not being around should have left your mind to be free to do some actual goddamn work but instead, just as before, every single moment he occupied your mind, living there permanently as if it were his right. How much more infuriating could that man get?

Thankfully, the drive home wasn’t any more of a nuisance than usual, since the apartment complex you shared with the others wasn’t that far from the embassy, so that was a small positive at the very least. Once you’d pulled up to the lot you were feeling a lot more level-headed than you did before, and were mainly looking forward to kicking back in pajamas and watching whatever was on TV with the leftover pizza from the night before. It wouldn’t do much to take your mind off everything with Javi, though, you knew that much. Still, a small bit of bliss was still bliss. 

Your apartment was down the hall from Javier’s, which had made it easier for you two when you were together but now felt like another sore reminder of what had been. Sighing heavily to yourself, you kicked the door to your car shut and stuffed the keys into the pocket of your jeans. A minor annoyance, sure, nothing you couldn’t handle though. You wondered if he would even be back right now. He had to be, right? An idea started to creep into your head at that thought, taking root and festering until you had practically talked yourself into doing it already, descending up the stairs with a sense of purpose behind you. Maybe if you showed up on his doorstep you could force him to confront you, make him look you in the eye. Any sort of acknowledgement to what you two had would be nice at this point, and if you had to take action yourself to get him to do it, then so be it. 

The closer you got to his door the more you felt you should turn back, a feeling of uneasiness beginning to form somewhere deep in your chest. This might be a bad idea. What if you two got into a fight again? As much as you wanted nothing more than to hurl some carefully crafted insults at Javi and his stupid gorgeous face, you weren’t exactly up for a full on battle that could result from it. Would it be better to simply go home and ignore your problems a little more?

Once you were only inches from the door was when you started to hear it. At first it sounded muffled, on account of the fact that there was a physical barrier between you and them, and you weren’t quite sure exactly what you heard at first but when you pressed yourself closer to the door you could hear it all clear as day - a woman moaning loudly on the other side, whimpering out Javi’s name and betraying exactly what was going on within the walls of the apartment. You felt your breath hitch in your chest, the world feeling like it was collapsing around you from the very second you realised why he had left early for the day. Unable to stop yourself, you tore yourself away from the apartment door and ran down the hall to your own place, tears falling at a rapid pace that refused to stop. You didn’t know if the woman in there was an informant, or a prostitute, or some random chick he’d picked up in a bar after ditching work for the day. In the end none of it mattered though. All that mattered is that it wasn’t you in there with him, like it used to be, like it should be, and that fact made you hurt all the more fiercely.

Fumbling with the keys to your apartment, you choked on a low sob working your way through the waterfall of tears in your eyes to try and wrestle the key into the lock. Through your haste, you accidentally let them fall loose from your palms and onto the ground, prompting a loud “fuck!” to ring out from your throat, loud enough for everyone in the neighboring apartments to hear. Not like you really cared about that, to be honest. With your hands shaking, you finally managed to throw the door to your apartment open, slamming it back closed with a thud and leaning back against it with your head in your hands, slowly descending to the ground to finally give in to the wave of sorrow threatening to claim you. 

You’d known his reputation before you started seeing each other, that he slept with all his informants and chased every woman who crossed his path in Colombia. Actually, it had made you hesitant to get involved with him in the first place but once you two had bitten the bullet and finally admitted your damn feelings for each other, Javier had ceased with his wild ways, becoming solely dedicated to you and you alone. And sure, you two weren’t together anymore, there wasn’t anything stopping him from being with other women. It felt like a deeper twist of the knife though, what you’d heard from behind that door, and it practically confirmed the sickening feeling that had been building in you since the first day back in the office after your breakup, when Javi refused to even look you in the eye and acted as if you’d vanished off the face of the planet. He doesn’t care about me anymore. 

Moving on had been that much easier for him. While it took everything in you to get up each day, he was doing absolutely ok. More than ok, if the sounds coming from his apartment were anything to go by. He was even already settling back into his old reputation. You should’ve known it was too good to be true - the manwhore of the DEA, Javier Peña actually wanting to settle down with one woman, actually caring about a girl beyond what she could be in bed. You remembered the raised eyebrows when you two had first gotten together: for most, it just seemed so out of nowhere. You’d ignored them all, remembering all the times you’d be tangled up with Javi on the couch, his head nestled into your neck while your heart raced a mile a minute, hearing every sweet nothing and praise he’d whisper to you. Stupid girl, you should’ve known. 

_______

After such a huge revelation, you thought things might’ve changed. In what way they would, you didn’t really know. Maybe the change would be sudden, such as you finally working up enough of a resolve to actually go confront Javier on his shit. Or maybe you’d take a leaf out of his book and start trying to seem like nothing was wrong at all, maybe go out on a few dates with some other guys. One of the Search Bloc guys had been eyeing you up every time he came over with Carillo to talk strategy, maybe you could go out with him. Though you knew it wouldn’t help - unlike Javier, who was actually more than happy with where you two had left things, you weren’t, and acting like it was just to throw it in his face wasn’t really going to work if he didn’t care enough to look over at you in the first place. And even then, the idea of falling into bed with some random man that you didn’t care for all that much in the name of moving on didn’t seem right to you. 

Nevertheless, you expected some form of change to happen the morning after when you came into work to see Javier sitting at his desk, on the phone to someone you couldn’t care less about. But nope. Nothing had changed. You sat down and stared across the room at him, just like you’d done every day for the past two weeks, and he ignored your stare to continue with writing something down on his notepad, just like usual. 

Maybe the change would be gradual, you thought, staring back over at the man in the midst of your ire with one of your coldest glares. And sure enough, around midday Steve had come up to you asking to retrieve something from the evidence room for him. Apparently he needed to look over something but was too busy with his own work to go fetch it - you knew on some level that his excuse was bullshit as it had been a pretty slow day for all of you but sure, whatever, if it got you out of that room and away from Javi for at least a few blissful moments that was fine by you. 

Reaching out for the door to the evidence room, you pushed it open and admitted yourself into the crowded space, twisting around to slam the door shut firmly behind you. Before you were rows of shelves containing every bit of evidence the DEA had accumulated against Escobar - there wasn’t as much as there probably should have been due to the fire that had broken out at the Palace of Justice years before yet the amount contained in that small room was still impressive in size. Moving between the shelves, you scanned the rows of boxes looking for the one Steve had asked for in particular, taking your time with it as there was a small sense of serenity to being in that room. For once it felt like you could breathe. You didn’t have to sit at a desk across from your ex, you didn’t have to go home to your apartment that was literally across the hall from his, you could be alone and not feel suffocated by his ever-present shadow over your life. Though, in some way you supposed, your own memories could still prove just as suffocating as Javier’s own godforsaken presence.

As if by thinking of him you’d magically summoned him, the man himself strode through the door to the evidence room, appearing to be in quite a hurry however once he noticed you were there he stopped, his eyes widening for a fraction of a second before returning to their usual stoic glare. You could barely contain your own disappointment at his sudden appearance, letting your face twist into a low scowl as you watched him walk down the aisle you were standing in, his eyes dashing from row to row searching for any place to look so they could avoid landing on you. Anger bubbled within you, a thousand different sarcastic or otherwise snarky remarks coming to mind that you could throw out at him, every one of them becoming increasingly more scathing the more you thought about it. Letting out a small sigh, you forced yourself to push all those delightful insults to the back of your mind, not wanting to become caught up in any more personal drama than you had to. Get the box and go. It’s that simple. There doesn’t need to be anymore to this. 

A minute later your eyes landed on the fabled box you’d been searching for, shoved into a corner and so out of the way you almost missed it completely. You thought of asking Steve what was in the box that he needed so bad when out of nowhere you heard a familiar voice speak up from behind you.

“Listen, I...about what happened on the phone a few weeks ago-”. 

So, it seems Mr. Perfectly Fine has finally decided to break his silence. In an instant you twisted yourself around to face him, quickly taking in his serious expression and stiff stature before your eyes met for the first time in two weeks.“Oh, so you’ve finally decided to speak to me now? That’s a first. I thought you were steadfast gonna ignore me for the rest of my life” you spat, not allowing him any form of politeness or decorum in your reply. Why should you? He’d ignored you for weeks. He deserved this. 

You watched as Javier tensed at your words, clearly not expecting the bite back that you had given to him. There was some part of his expression that almost looked sheepish in a way, as if he wasn’t quite sure if he really wanted this conversation to happen at all. “I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just-” he started with you rolling your eyes and cutting in almost immediately. “Save it for someone who actually gives a shit. Shouldn’t be hard since you don’t seem to care all too much yourself” you snarled, an action which only made him even more tense. 

“I do care, and I kind of always have fucking cared so if you could calm down a little and stop getting yourself worked up we can actually talk about what happened. Can you do that for me at the bare minimum?” he retorted, a harsh edge appearing in his tone that indicated he was already becoming frustrated with your attitude. You knew Javi’s emotions like the back of your hand - he wasn’t a patient man, and he had no time for snark or sarcasm, though only if it was directed at him. When it came to himself, he was more than happy to indulge in a small bit of pettiness. You didn’t much care at that moment though: as far as you were concerned, he lost the right to a civilised discussion when he broke up with you over the phone and then pretended you were invisible for weeks. It’s not like things can get any worse than they are now, right?

“Oh, sure, sure, we can totally talk. How about I start then?” you fired back, every word simmering with venom and dripping raw with sarcastic edge. Crossing your arms, you leaned back against the shelf to take him in, from the creases in his tie to his tired eyes staring straight into you. Wait, tired? You didn’t realise it until then but he had been looking pretty tired lately, almost like he hadn’t been getting enough sleep. Then again, his sleep schedule had never been quite stellar, so that wasn’t totally out of the ordinary. And he was probably up all night with that woman I heard him with, you reminded yourself bitterly.  “Look at you, so dignified in your well pressed suit, so smug and self-involved, so far above me in every way, so far above that you won’t even look me in the eye or acknowledge my presence. Tell me, Javier, has it really been that easy to forget about me?” you taunted. “Though I supposed when you’re seducing every whore in Colombia into your bed it would be easy, wouldn’t it?”. 

Javier was caught off guard by your remark, not anticipating that you would go so far as to accuse him of returning to his old ways. “First of all, she was an informant, and I had to leave yesterday to go meet up with her. Things ran into overtime and that’s the reason I wasn’t back. I thought you of all people understood that gathering intel is a vital part to the fight against Escobar?” he replied, that last line at the end being delivered with only a little more underlying snip than the rest yet it was more than enough for you to feel around thirty percent more pissed at him. 

You scoffed at his lies, your lip curling into a snarl at his attempt at patronising you. “Don’t patronise me. I’m well aware of the ins and outs of this job, in case you’ve forgotten I’ve been working with the DEA for eight years now, which is why I’m calling bullshit on your pathetic excuse for a lie. You do realise we live in the same building right? I know you were doing more than having a friendly discussion with her in there, in fact, I quite literally heard you two through the goddamn walls on my way back home. And before you try to spin some shit about how it was necessary for the case, you and I both know that fucking the informant isn’t a standard part of procedure. You don’t see Murphy bedding any of his sources of intel, do you?”. 

“Murphy’s married, princesa” he deadpanned, throwing in that little nickname he had for you that two weeks ago would have made your heart flutter but at this time and in the context he used it only soured your mood further. “That’s besides the point. You’ve been acting like I never even mattered to you at all, and it’s honestly making me wonder if I ever did? Especially since I apparently didn’t deserve the dignity of a proper breakup and got a 27 second phone call instead. Tell me, when did you change your mind? I thought I was supposed to be the one you were waiting for all your life. Guess that was pretty easy to change, wasn’t it?” you snapped.

“Hermosa, can you just fucking listen for one minute?! God, you’re impossible sometimes” Javier shouted, that infamous temper of his rising towards the surface at a rapid rate. It was only a matter of time before he spat something out that he would no doubt regret. In your own haze of anger though, that fact didn’t register with you at all - you only saw red. If you had to scream back at him to finally pull some answers out of the man, then so fucking be it.

“No, how about you listen for once! I know we had that big fight but we could have just talked. The next day when you called me up I was ready to forgive you for being a complete ass. And what did I get instead? ‘I’m sorry, I think we should stop seeing each other’ and a dead dial tone after that. I can tell the only reason you’re apologising today is just so you don’t have to feel like the bad guy in all of this. So what’s the truth? Why were you so ready to throw away a whole relationship over one night of terse words?” you screamed, not caring that you two were at work and anyone could pass by outside and hear you two argue. With the way you both were shouting, you wouldn’t be surprised if the entire building could hear your screaming match with Javier. None of that mattered to you though. The only thing that mattered was the truth. 

You weren’t the only one refusing to hold back in any of this: any lingering spark of politeness had vanished in Javi, his eyes turning dark with searing anger you had only seen in him a couple of times before. “You want to know why? You want to fucking know why? It’s because you’re a fucking pain to deal with. You may be a fantastic agent but god you can be so stupid sometimes. You’re too reckless, you throw yourself into danger too willingly with no consideration for anyone else. Did you ever stop to think what would happen to the people who cared about you if you died? Do you even give a shit about the people trying to protect you?” he confessed, fury burning with every word that came out of his mouth, his admittance making you flinch. It was just like he said during your last fight, the one that led to him dumping you in the first place. 

Everything he said from that night came rushing back to you, remembering how furious he’d been at you for what had happened during your last raid together. You could see that underneath it all he was concerned for your safety, a gesture that was usually sweet but frustrated you that night as you felt something more akin to a porcelain doll than a capable agent in his eyes. Just because I’m your girlfriend, doesn’t mean you can treat me like I need to be protected. I can handle myself just fine. That was what you’d said to him that night, which should have been the end of it but somehow as the argument went on things got more and more heated that by the time he’d stormed out of your apartment neither of you could remember what had started it all. 

What took you by surprise was that apparently he was still stewing about this, for some reason not wanting to believe in your capabilities as an agent and that alone made you more pissed at him. “I don’t need to be protected, Javier. I’m a woman, a DEA agent for crying out loud, not a flower! I’m more than capable of handling myself, I was literally trained for this! Nobody else here seems to have a problem with how I approach things so maybe the issue isn’t my method of attack but the fact that you’re a paranoid asshole?”. 

He raised a single eyebrow back at you, looking somewhat skeptical of your claim but more so angry that somehow you two had managed to circle back around to the very thing that had started this whole mess.“Really? Because our last raid you were throwing yourself into the fray as if it were a suicide mission. It was a miracle you only ended up with a minor sprain to the wrist. Those men, the sicario’s, they don’t fucking hold back, one wrong mistake means the difference between life and death” he snapped.“And you know what? After constantly stressing over your safety every minute I was done. If you wanna end up with a bullet between your eyes, be my guest”.

The second those words slipped from his lips, he knew he’d fucked up. As the tears started to form in your eyes you could see him freeze up, his burning temper that had caused him to be so hateful before starting to slowly seep back, replaced with remorse and a hint of panic if you squinted. Although that didn’t matter much right now - his venomous words were rattling around in your brain, acting as a metaphorical hammer that took the final swing towards your damaged heart. Apparently what you heard through the walls the night before hadn’t been enough to break you completely, since there was still enough left of your heart for the rest of it to be shattered by his callous cruelty. 

Forcefully swallowing down your cries, you wanted so badly to disappear from the room. You wanted to melt into the floor, to run away and go find one of Escobar’s men and gloat about all you’d done to try to stop him so you could feel the mercy of a fatal gunshot wound to the head. All the pain you had felt previously paled in comparison to the knife that cut you then, the tight feeling of your throat closing with every word you forced out. “So you were lying. You don’t care about me at all. You...you think I’m stupid. And reckless. And...not able to handle being here…”. 

“Shit, princesa, that’s not what I meant, I-” Javier started, desperately scrambling to fix the mess he’d caused, however, you weren’t going to let him. He’d made his bed, now he had to lie in it. Any hope he might have had of making things right was now thrown straight out the window. No more chances. Not anymore. 

“I think that’s exactly what you meant, Javi. Well, you got your wish I guess. I’ll get out of your life for good” your voice wobbled as you spoke, the next few minutes becoming a blur from when you’d pushed past him and ran out of the evidence room, hearing him call your name behind and not bothering to turn back to face him, running through the halls past different agents and members of the DEA, your hand shielding yourself in a pathetic attempt to save face. Somehow you’d managed to make it out to your car, throwing yourself into the driver's seat and jamming the keys into the ignition, your mind going in a million different directions. Your first thought was to go back home, though you knew that you’d have to hear Javi come back later, probably with yet another woman he picked up. You didn’t exactly have any friends in Colombia - with your line of work there hadn’t been exactly a lot of time to sit around and mingle with people, and truth be told you wanted to avoid people at all costs right then. Without any idea as to where you might be going, or what you were going to do, you pulled your car out of the parking lot and slammed on the gas to get you out of there, the world surrounding you not registering to you anymore and every sound becoming a rush against your ears that you paid no mind to. 

One thing was for sure - you weren’t going to give Javier a single drop more of you. Your time, your mind, your energy, your tears, nothing. He’d already proved himself to be a lying sack of shit who didn’t care about you, so as it stood, you wouldn’t care about him either. Like the end of a tragic tale, everything had crashed and burned, and now that you thought about it more, maybe that was how things needed to be. 

Goodbye, Mr Perfectly Fine. I’ve been Miss Misery for the last time. 

Permanent tag list (if you wanna be added shoot me a message):

@greeneyedblondie44​

[whyarewecalledtheshipname]

soriku little mermaid thread part 2

(Part 1)

Part 2: Saved by the Light

Starting with Ariel singing “Part of Your World”. I’m not gonna go line by line or anything, just wanna paraphrase certain parts. If you’re not familiar, the song is basically about Ariel wanting to live in the world outside of the ocean. Lol, cutting to the chase. Again, it’s basically Kh1 Riku.

One thing I want to specify is that even though the song is called “Part of Your World”, she doesn’t actually say “your” in the chorus at all. Not when she first sings it in her secret cave, where she has her collection of human stuff. Ariel just wants to be part of “that” world—the human world.

When she’s singing this, she’s in her cave, which has an opening at the top. The hole lets in light from the ocean’s surface, and Ariel reaches for it, but she can’t actually reach it obviously (bc the hole is too small lol). It’s all an obvious metaphor for how Ariel is stuck underwater while wanting to live up on land.

I wanna note that while the human world is obviously the land, what Ariel actually sings about, what she dreams of, is being in the sunlight. She reaches for the light above her cave, what you assume is the sun above the water. Underwater, sure, there’s light, but the light isn’t properly/directly touching her, she can’t directly feel it, it doesn’t fully reach her. She dreams of being outside of the water, so she can spend her days directly in the sun's light. The light represents and literally touches—encompasses—everything Ariel can’t have. (lol it’s a reverse lion king)

I gotta repeat how Ariel feels trapped in the water, and she is reaching for the light.

Cough. Riku trapped in darkness, reaching out his hand...to Sora. Riku, wanting to be, to live, in Sora’s light in general. (Letting Sora’s light shine onto his darkness.)

A shadow blocks out the light over Ariel’s cave, and she swims to the surface to check it out. Turns out it’s currently nighttime, which means the light Ariel was reaching for was actually the moon. Moonlight.

(Recoded flashbacks; the memory of Kh1 Riku reaching for the moon and bringing his hand to his chest dramatically, owie)

It gives me thoughts about Sora’s light, and vaguely hearing the idea of Sora being the moon, and Sora being closer to darkness than light. Like, as a personal headcanon ig, perhaps Sora’s light seems so bright because he’s reflecting Riku’s light, the way the moon reflects the sun, and has no light of its own. We know Riku’s light is like. Inhumanly bright. Like, Riku doesn’t just seem to have a bright light in his heart. It seems like he is light itself, or at least he’s connected to it in some way. Especially with all his sun imagery. So to me it’d make sense that even if Sora was merely reflecting Riku’s light (not to mention Riku’s light shines directly onto Sora’s heart), because Riku’s light is so impossibly bright, Sora’s would seem extremely bright as well. The reason Riku’s bright light hasn’t been “obviously attributed to him” is because he was cloaked in darkness ig. The way the sun’s light isn’t visible at night, though it continues to shine, and is only seen at dawn. And I mean, the light second to the sun in the day, is the light of the moon at night. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Anyway, the shadow Ariel saw was a ship. It’s shooting fireworks into the sky, and I mention this because I always gotta mention fireworks lol. Ariel swims up to the ship, sees the crew celebrating, but when she sees Eric, she instantly falls in love. And it just reminds me of how Riku has only ever had eyes for Sora, even since childhood lol.

But why is the crew celebrating? Apparently it’s Prince Eric’s birthday. And for his birthday, he is presented with—a statue. A statue, of himself. Of Eric. Man.

SORA’S STATUE. goodness.

Grimsby, the man who commissioned the statue, apparently had originally intended it as a wedding present, but that didn’t pan out because Eric didn’t fall for the princess he had been set up with.

“Believe me, Grim, when I find her, I’ll know. Without a doubt it’ll just—bam—hit me, like lightning.”

...sure, Sora. But it makes me wonder, once Sora does realize—would it be all at once? Versus Riku, who took his sweet time putting it to words in DDD lol. Who knows.

But lightning does strike—the ship. The ship burns, Eric’s heavy ass stone statue sinks into the ocean, Eric risks his life to save his dog—

Now Eric is drowning.

Sora, at the bottom of the abyss. But in my mind, it lines up more with Sora’s breakdown. His darkness caught up to him and overwhelmed him, and he finally confessed to feeling worthless. Riku expressed his belief in Sora, which helped Sora persist after death, and Riku sacrificed himself, which created the tear in time that let Sora rewrite the fated fall to darkness.

Riku saved Sora.

Ariel saves Eric.

We see them on the shore, under a cloudy sky the morning after the storm. Eric is breathing, but unconscious. Ariel calls Eric beautiful, when the night before she’d called him handsome, and I mention it because I love that line lol. Ariel touches Eric’s cheek and starts singing “Part of Your World”, but with changed lyrics.

This time, the song is specifically about Eric, not just humans in general. Ariel’s priority—her dream—has changed. Man. It’s DDD and Kh3 in one song! Nice.

The clouds part and the sun shines on Ariel and Eric on the shore. A literal ray of light.

Eric starts to wake up (and the sun only shines on him once Ariel’s voice wakes him), and he sees a girl surrounded by a bright light—

Eric, saved by the light.

Sora, saved by the light.

—and the girl is singing a song. “...part of your world.”

Your world. And I’m just here, thinking about Riku, and how his quote has changed from being about important people, to being about one important person. Riku doesn’t just want to see the outside world anymore, he wants to be part of Sora’s world, part of Sora’s life. ????? How to be “okay”??

Of course, Ariel has to swim away before Eric fully wakes up and realizes she isn’t human. And all Eric knows is: “A girl...rescued me. She was singing. She had the most beautiful voice.”

AND THAT’S IT, that's all he remembers. He only knows this mystery girl rescued him, he vaguely saw what she looks like, he heard her song, and that she has a beautiful voice.

Ugh. So little yet so much—SORA.

I can’t get over the in-game implication that at the very least, like Eric, the one moment Sora has memory issues with, is Riku’s sacrifice. Specifically the event of Riku saving him.

He doesn’t seem to remember the sacrifice, or who saved him, if Sora remembers he needed saving, which it seems he does. In eng, Sora tells Nameless Star that he “thought it was all over” for him, but that someone told Sora they believed in him.

All Sora remembers. Is that he was in trouble, that he was screwed, and that someone believed in him. And he acknowledges that that’s what’s helping him keep going, to literally persist after death.

But Sora doesn’t seem to remember WHO saved him.

The way Eric doesn’t know WHO rescued him.

And when I think of Eric only knowing Ariel by her voice, by her SONG (bc he didn’t get a good look at her)—I have to think of Sora and Riku’s song. The one that plays either completed or with half the song missing when Sora either defeats or loses to Yozora. Dearly. Beloved. And the fact Eric doesn’t know exactly what Ariel looks like—is a detail for later.

Another note I wanted to make was that at first, Ariel was reaching for the light. But now, we see that Ariel IS the light.

Riku reaching for Sora’s (moon)light, only for Riku to end up being the (sun)light himself.

??????

(Part 3)

[telehxhtrash]

OH MAN. Ok let’s talk about our interpretations of Ginpatsu no Shounen !!!! I’ve been wanting to talk about this and then I saw @/strawberrypandy’s wonderful interpretation of it so I wanted to share mine too, bc music is subjective and Ginpatsu no Shounen breaks me :)

This will be 100% subjective. Music interpretation is subjective, there is no correct way to interpret it, so this will definitely be personal ! And thank you very much to Nix for helping me out a lot with musical instruments and terms!! 

So. I already demonstrated that it’s a waltz (in the post I linked above). A waltz is a couple’s dance, it takes two people, so this means that Ginpatsu no Shounen is focused on Killua’s relationship with Gon and the impact meeting him had on him. To me, this general theme and his story is reflected in the musical composition as well as the instruments.

I’m most definitely gonna use less specific terms than Pandy here, but let’s also break his theme into three parts. First part being from the beginning to a bit before the crescendo (0:00 to 0:39), second part being the build up and the crescendo itself (0:39 to 1:20), and last part being from the end of the crescendo to the end of the piece (1:20 to 2:07). I’m going to use time-stamps from this video, I recommend listening to the parts I highlight for better comprehension!

FIRST PART. (0:00-0:39)

To me, the first part of the song represents Killua’s life before Gon. It represents who Killua was, who he used to be. This first part sounds so gentle, soft and delicate, yet hides a sort of melancholy. It almost feels like a sort of loneliness, like something is hurting behind all this softness and innocence. It feels like yearning, longing for more. At 0:06, you can hear a flute, and to me this feels almost like a calling. A call for something, something calling Killua. To me, this would be Killua’s longing for more. Longing for a life other than the miserable, cold life he’s destined to live. It’s something calling to him, something that he wants to follow.

The melancholy is expressed with brass instruments in the background at around 0:10, and it contrasts beautifully the piano that plays a soft melody. I think it reflects Killua’s duality : he’s fundamentally a good person, and it’s reflected through the soft tune that the piano plays, but the addition of brass instruments sort of contrasts this : to me, this reflects Killua’s doubts about who he is. Is he allowed to want more for himself? Can he truly be a good person? Is it okay for him to want to change, even though he did so much wrong?

At around 0:20 seconds, a percussion instrument comes in, which gives a feeling of something magical, of innocence. It reinforces that idea that Killua is just a kid, that he just wants to be one, and follow his calling and leave his old life behind.

The woodwinds start to take a more prominent role in the melody starting at 0:30, which to me reflects Killua taking this calling, and deciding to leave the house and live a life for himself.

So to me, this first part symbolizes Killua’s yearning for more. It represents who Killua is, a boy who’s fundamentally good, and who’s desperate for something more. His innocence and good nature is reflected beautifully in this part, and his inner conflict is also present. This part is meant to reflect Killua’s need to live his life as a kid, not as the Zoldyck heir, and it represents his need to live a normal life, make friends and have fun.

SECOND PART. (0:39-1:21)

Here, it’s a woodwind solo. To me, this represents Killua taking this calling that I talked about, following his own heart and deciding to leave home. The rhythm is calm, nonchalant almost, it sounds like Killua is just strolling through life, not really knowing where to go but enjoying the sight with marvel and curiosity, but still not quite finding what he wants. The oom-cha-cha accompaniment is very very noticeable in the background, played by strings, and it’s wayyyy more noticeable than in the first part. To me, since the oom-cha-cha accompaniment is the waltz’s trademark, this represents Killua’s growing need to make a friend. He’s strolling casually through life, not sure where to go, but wanting to make a friend.

And then the music escalates, at about 1:02 until it hits the crescendo, which is an explosion of multiple instruments. To me, this represents an explosion of feelings. A sense of marvel, of finally finding something he’s looking for. It represents an important moment, something unplanned but wonderful. And to me, since this is after all a waltz... This represents him meeting Gon. Because Gon is everything he ever wanted, a friend, a light that could guide him, he represents the one chance he’s got at a normal life. It represents the moment he lays eyes on Gon, and it’s an explosion of feelings of relief for finally finding what he wants. It almost feels like the music represents Killua’s heart, almost bursting at the prospect of making a friend, just like he always wanted to do. And since I love clichés, I’m even gonna say this big crescendo kind of feels like falling in love at first sight.

At 1:17, there’s a flute solo, which to me represents Gon (it also gives us a sort of throwback to that flute calling Killua at 0:06). This is Gon offering his hand to Killua, inviting him to dance, inviting him to follow him in his mad quest to look for his long-lost dad. It’s Gon extending his hand and giving Killua an opportunity to leave his old life behind. It’s Gon accepting Killua’s past and offering him to come along with him. It’s a waltz, a couple’s dance, and he’s inviting him to dance. 

LAST PART (1:21-2:07)

This part is technically a repeat of the first part, but to me, it feels different because of the crescendo and the flute solo that happened right before. To me, this part is Killua accepting Gon’s offer, taking his hand and accepting to dance with him. It feels less alone, less lonely, less melancholic. It feels like it’s Gon and Killua walking together, instead of Killua walking alone, like before. With the repetition of the first part, yet the fact that it feels different, it’s a mix of old and new, with Gon just reinforcing the beautiful melody that was in Killua’s heart all along.

The same flute we heard at 0:06 is repeated here at 1:27, but this time, it feels like instead of something calling Killua, it’s Gon calling him. It’s Killua wanting to follow Gon, he’s his calling, he’s the person Killua looked for and the person he’s following. This little fleeting moment of a flute feels kind of like a ray of sunshine, calling Killua to please follow it. So Killua follows.

This part feels like marvel, wonder, magic, and because of the crescendo that happened before, even the brass instruments that used to give melancholy feel sort of soothing to me now. It doesn’t feel lonely anymore, it gives off a relaxing feeling. It feels like walking alongside someone. It feels like walking through life accompanied, finally having found what you want to do, who you want to be. 

Finally, the percussion (chimes i think) hits again at 1:41, and this time, to me, rather than innocence, it expresses bliss. It represents happiness and joy. It represents Killua finally finding what he was looking for, finally getting to live the life he wants, alongside the important person he was looking for.

Ginpatsu no Shounen is to me a song meant to reflect Killua’s story, and how meeting Gon affected him. Since it’s a waltz, it represents Killua’s relationship to Gon, and how meeting him changed his life. The first part of the song expresses Killua’s longing for a better life, with a deep melancholy heartbreakingly parallelled with instruments that represent his innocence and inner good nature. The second part of the song represents him choosing to leave the house and look for a better life, see if there’s something more, walking casually and in a nonchalant way through life, trying to see if he could make a friend. The crescendo represents his meeting with Gon, and the burst of feelings that it entails, with the flute solo representing Gon extending his hand to invite him to come along. Finally, the last part represents Gon and Killua waltzing together, dancing through life as a pair. It represents the bliss of finally finding the person he wanted to find, the person he was destined to find.

Ginpatsu no Shounen represents the shift from Killua dancing alone to the rhythm of his own heart to dancing to the beat of Gon’s heart, together.

And the way the anime uses this melody highlights this idea of a dance for two, of two people reaching for each other. His theme plays only 2 times in the entire show. The first time when Killua expresses his need to become friends with Gon, and the second and last time when Gon expresses his need to get Killua back. Those two scenes parallel each other, it’s Killua reaching out to Gon and Gon reaching out to Killua, and the use of Killua’s waltz emphasizes this idea of two people who are connected, with the same devotion and need to be together, a dance for two people who belong together.

[cherryhanji]

when you love someone

drabble. day6 young k x reader

this is for the district nine writers' guild writers' room week#12! (confessions + featuring other group members)

genre: pure fluff, college au, best friend to lovers au, female reader

words: 2.4k

warning(s): foul language. (but not too much tho)

alexa's note:

my love for young k and the song when you love someone is overflowing i need to make this drabble. (It's rlly a good thing the guild made this idea for writer's room) If you haven't listen to this song or the band itself, pls give it a try! All their songs are great and relatable uwu

•••

"You busy again?" you tried to peek at what your friend's writing in his notebook where he writes most of his own lyrics, one that you're dying to read since last week.

"Yeah, I need to finish this soon, so go away." You pouted and glared at Younghyun while he turn his attention back to his notebook.

"Seriously, Younghyun, I know that it isn't even for a certain subject. Why you won't let me see it?" You whined and the pout never left your lips, hoping that Younghyun will give up and let you see what he's writing.

"Yeah I know, but-- Y-you don't need to read it" realizing that he really won't let you take a peek at what he's writing, you just let him much to your chagrin. After all, you never won against him.

"Right, I guess that one's really important, and confidential I think?" You said and grabbed your bag, fishing for your books instead to make yourself busy since your vacant time just started and you're not hungry (yet). But when you heard Younghyun called you after closing his notebook and fixed his bag, your stomach started to grumble.

"Let's eat? My treat." You can't help but to smile and nodded at him, fixing your bag. Of course, who wouldn't say no to food? Take note, you won't spend a dime.

___

You met Dowoon after you eat from the nearby diner. Telling each others' greetings. Dowoon was an Economics major, and he's part of Younghyun's self made band together with Sungjin, Jae and Wonpil.

"Hyung, is it done?" Dowoon asked Younghyun, while you just listened to them, not having any idea with their topic.

"Uh, oh y-yeah. Tomorrow?" Their ambiguity makes you so curious, but you were shy to ask since you were really not that close to Dowoon, so you excused yourself and waited for them to finish, grabbing your phone from your pocket to check the time.

You were a bit shock, well not really because of the time, it is because your birthday is almost next week, but truthfully speaking, it didn't excite you. You're used to being at home or just do normal things on your birthday. Your parents keep on telling you to celebrate but you just tell them you're too lazy to do so. In the end, they don't have any choice but to just visit or send you a birthday cake and greet you. You were fine with that, after all you were not a party person and you know how busy they are.

On the other hand, Younghyun just barges in to your apartment with pizzas, chicken and soda with him. A dinner with unhealthy foods and movie marathon is the best birthday celebrations for you, and also you get to spend your special day with him.

____

"Sorry, I can't walk you home. I have something to do. I'll make it up to you, hm? Really." You nod in response, while Younghyun patted your head. This is the fourth, since last week. You understand that he's busy these past few days, but you can't help but to get a bit peeved. You know you don't have the rights to because you are just his best friend for God's sake, he can do what he damn well please.

"Oh, o-okay. I'll wait for it. And- and don't worry, just take your time. You don't have to be sorry, though. See you then?" He just nod and bid your goodbyes before separating ways.

___

After taking a shower, you plopped yourself down on your bed, planning to scroll on your phone until sleepiness find its way to you. You don't have classes tomorrow, much better for a birthday rest.

You received a message from your mom, tapping the message icon to check it.

from: Mom

What are your plans tomorrow dear? Your turning 21 now.

to: Mom

what else mom? Of course laze around the whole day tomorrow. That's the best gift I'll ever receive from myself after the hell week mom.

from: Mom

Okay then. What else we can do? We know how hardheaded you are.

to: Mom

i luv u mum.

from: Mom

don't wait for me to throw a kiddie party just for you.

to: Mom

not funny mommy

from: Mom

whatever you say girl. just take your rest or do whatever you want. We'll just send a cake bcs we're gone tomorrow, for work. Love you hun. And we missed you. Happy birthday!

to: Mom

thank you mom, i miss and love u too!

After a conversation with your mom, you opened your Instagram just to see posts from everyone. Your hands never stop its duty to scroll.

After a long ass scroll, it stopped on a video posted by Wonpil. A video of Younghyun playing his guitar. You smiled while your eyes were shooting hearts as you watch him play his guitar and humming in to the music. He's so ethereal. No wonder why every girls from your major envied you. You're one hell of a lucky girl, being best friends with someone like Younghyun, the sweet, talented Younghyun. And that is the problem. Being best friends. You never want to be just best friends with him. You like him for so long. But can you blame yourself for thinking that he might not feel the same way? And you can't stomach yourself being rejected. You hate rejections, how immature of you. But isn't it too much if you'll get rejected again? You got rejected so many times already when you confessed. Maybe it's enough. No confessions, no rejections. No harsh feelings, I guess.

___

You were not expecting. You really aren't. But Younghyun should be here at this time now, right? You groaned in exasperation. You really hate yourself with passion. It isn't his duty to go here and bring foods for you, stupid. You keep on convincing yourself that he is busy. But greeting you a Happy Birthday won't eat all of his time, right?

Woah, you are indeed a hopeless case now.

It's almost 7 in the evening, and you were just lazily sitting on your couch, your eyes glued on the television, but you weren't focused on what you were watching. You don't even have an idea on what's the title of the movie. You jumped when you heard your phone ring, your mind automatically registering Younghyun's name. You smiled like an idiot as you tapped the icon open. But your smile disappeared as soon as you read the message.

from: Younghyun

Where are you?

Not even a happy birthday? Wow, what an amazing friend.

to: Younghyun

apartment. why?

from: Younghyun

Can you come over? I'll send you the address.

You don't even get the chance to ask him why when you received the address. It seems so urgent, but what does it have to do with you? You checked the address and it isn't somewhere near his apartment. You just shrugged and decided to change your clothes to a decent shirt and pants, with your shabby pair of sneakers. You really need to buy new ones now.

You hailed for a cab and gave the driver the address. A half an hour of travel and you finally arrived at the place. At first, you hesitated because the driver stopped at a fine looking diner, where your attire seems off from everyone who walks inside. But the driver says that the location was right. So you apologized and gave your payment, thanking the driver before hopping out of the car. Why will Younghyun gave you this address? You grabbed your phone from your pouch and typed a message for him.

to: Younghyun

Why did you gave me this address?

You tapped your feet against the floor while waiting for him to reply. You immediately opened the message as soon as you felt the buzz.

from: Younghyun

go inside. and by the entrance, you'll see a hallway leading to the garden. go there.

to: Younghyun

Seriously Younghyun?? I'll go inside looking like a shit? bet they won't let me in!

from: Younghyun

Just go inside. They don't really give a damn.

You just groaned and put your phone inside. You faced the mirror from the diner and fixed your hair and everything to make yourself at least presentable. You just wish that they won't look at your shoes. Your oh so good looking shoes. God damn it.

"Good evening Ma'am. Welcome to Haven Diner. A seat for two, Ma'am?" A sheepish smiled crept up on your face as the lady attendant asked you.

"Uhm... Actually I have a friend here. And he said that I need to go to that hallway heading to the garden." The lady gasped and nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, yes, yes. Please take that way, Ma'am. It'll lead you to the diner's garden." You mouthed thanks to her before heading to the said hallway. You don't know why you feel iffy about this situation. But you decided to brush it off since you don't want to have false hopes. Maybe his band have a gig and unfortunately he called you for some errands.

And you weren't wrong. The instruments are there. But what's confusing is no other people from the five boys. You turn your head to Younghyun, together with his bandmates.

"What-"

Younghyun smiled at you, and he seems so edgy.

"Just, just stay there and watch. Okay?" You just nodded slowly, the situation is still not sinking in to you. Dowoon started by beating the drums, before Jae started to sing.

It was a really hard day today

My heart aches for you

The only thing I can do for you

Is to be next to you, I’m sorry

While Jae was singing, your eyes never left Younghyun. He looks so nervous a while ago, but it seems like it all went away when he started playing his guitar. You feel like he took your breath away especially when he started singing.

You’re so pretty when you smile

So every time you lose that smile

Even if I have to give my all

I want to give it back to you

It's like he's talking to you, his eyes were sparkling as he sings, your heart never stay calmed when he looks directly at you.

I want to cry for you

I want to hurt instead of you

I don’t want any scars in your heart

Ever again

When you love someone

So much that it overflows

It’s so amazing

Because this is how it is

Younghyun sang once again, and this time, he is smiling, and your lips instantly form into a smile, too.

This is a song for you

I'm singing for you

I'll give you my everything

You clapped after their song ended, your face will almost rip at how wide your smile was. And the beatings of your heart is still not in normal state. Can you? After Younghyun sang for you? It's not that you never saw him sing with his band, but this one feels utterly different from all his gigs that you attended. It's like this one is especially for you. For you only.

"What was that for?" You can't think of anything to say when Younghyun went near you, so you asked the first thing that came to your mind. Your heart skipped a beat when he hold your hand. His hand was so cold, telling how nervous he is.

"happy birthday, Y/N. and--" he stopped mid-sentence when you hugged him.

"You're so annoying! You- you don't have to do that, you know. But really, thank you. That was so beautiful. I really liked it." You said, and squeezed him more you can already feel how his heart beat so fast.

"I-I'm glad you liked it. But I still have something to tell you." You hummed and pull away from the hug, he sighed as you cock your head, encouraging him to continue.

"I... I like you Y/N." Your eyes flutter as you register what he said. It feels like you're in a dream. This feels so surreal.

"A-are you serious?" You know how much he hates lying. But you just can't believe that this thing was happening. You don't think you deserve any of this.

"Yeah. I won't lie about it Y/N. You know how I hate lying to people. And I don't want to hurt you. I just want to see you smile. I just want to see you happy. Just like the message of the song. The song's for you. That's my gift." You pouted as you try to stop your tears from falling , but it is to no help because it automatically fell. You can hear the sincerity in his voice. Telling that he isn't really joking around. Younghyun just smiled and hugged you once again, rocking your body side by side.

"I hate you" you mumbled while smacking his arms lightly making him chuckle.

"Why tho?"

"Because I like you too, you silly." You told him making him gasp in shock.

"Did you just confessed to me?" He said making you frown. Now he's joking around.

"You confessed first." You remarked and rolled your eyes. Wiping the tear stains away from your face.

"So what are we now?" You asked even if you already know the answer. You just want him to hear from him.

"We're dating. I can see you want to hear it from me." He said and pinched your cheeks. But the grumble from your stomach made Younghyun bursts into laughter. That's surely a mood killer.

"Come on, you need to eat. The celebrant needs to eat." Younghyun said and grabbed your hand, pulling you to sit on the chair. Your eyes wander around to see if the boys are still there.

"But where are the others? I thought they're going to join us?" You said as you wait for the waiter to come.

"They're already stuffing their mouths with tons of food. Don't mind them. This is our time, okay?" He said and winked making your heart jump out.

"Whatever you say, Kang Younghyun."

___

this got me like iiiichk omg i hoped you like it! i really enjoyed writing this one🖤

[swashbucklery]

I was already planning on watching Julie and the Phantoms, but your tags have made me 110% more intrigued.

Okay anon LET ME PITCH THIS SHOW TO YOU bc this is a thing I love doing.

So first of all: this is a Kenny Ortega production for Young People, it’s rated TV-G, some of the teen actors are actual teens BE APPROPRIATE.

Secondly: it’s not like, good? But it’s also amazing. If we’re grading this on a spectrum from High School Musical to Descendents, I’d say it manages to hit the emotional beats consistent with a High School Musical 3, with the watchability of Descendants 3, but the weird and earnest heart of High School Musical 2.

Except not actually any of those things because the premise is GHOST BOY BAND and you have to just kind of. Open your heart to that journey from minute one. Not only are you asked to accept GHOST BOY BAND as the fundamental premise, you also have to accept that they are supposed to be a “rock band” from 1995 and that every single person involved in making this film is really banking on their target audience not having any idea what actual rock music from 1995 sounded like. You are asked to accept that they are a grunge band emerging from the post-Nirvana scene and yet somehow they sound like the Click Five and Busted and sometimes if things get real spicy the Plain White T’s mashed together.

(Like, musically I am never getting over this?)

(There is also an Evil Ghost who is almost certainly supposed to be a pared-down, no-drug-references family-friendly Brendon Urie, but if he somehow was from the 1920s? and this is DOUBLY ABSURD because they make a reference to actual human rock star Brendon Urie in the movie and I feel like, somehow, they owe him a hundred thousand dollars. For something. I don’t know what.)

Anyway. The songs are, despite all of the above, truly excellent and crushable pop singles and there are so many of them because it’s - like it’s serialized into 30 minute episodes but it’s also kind of not. It’s just a four and a half hour movie cut into little mini-breaks, and as a result really lends itself to being watched back to back. 

There is an actual emotional core, and Kenny Ortega is always best when he can make movies about real feelings (unlike say idk Descendants) and I think that is why this got me even though I’m an old person who remembers what 1995 sounded like and knows it was not fictional rock and roll band Sunset Curve. The ultimate core is just like. Music is important. Making music feels good and is healing and brings people together. There are also a lot of very genuine beats about like, grief and loss and family and the youth actress who plays Julie is really excellent in it when it counts.

There is also like. IDK if you can call it a love triangle, but they’re trying their hardest. There is drama, I guess, between a floppy-haired ginger teen that my wife and I started calling White Bread Sandwich and one of the Ghost Teens and - it’s whatever. You can be whatever about it. I still don’t know any of the Teen Boy Character names, they could basically all be named Jake? I don’t think any of them are named Jake but they’re all, you know. Present. Very adequate.

There are also baby gays and like. I will just tell you right now that there is absolutely ZERO kissing in this movie, so they don’t kiss just like everyone else doesn’t kiss but I am VERY salty about them in particular because they had the one arc where I think a kiss would have actually created some meaningful narrative payoff but whatever. WHATEVER, there are some extremely tender gay boy feelings and they’re very chaste and Disney but still shockingly affecting and cute.

ANYWAY: this show is beautiful nonsense, it’s light and fluffy and poppy and the worldbuilding doesn’t make a lick of sense but it’s not as egregious as Descendants and it was kind of exactly what I needed to watch right now. Maybe it is for you too?

[red-dyed-sarumane]

obviously every vocaloid fan is familiar with songs telling intricate stories often in nonspecific ways theres a lot of great song series out there like this & hiiragi magnetite's is no exception even if its only beginning.

without even looking at story content their sound design is so intense(?) & easy to listen to. & i feel like this is backed up by who else writes an 11 minutes song that, by time alone would make a lot of people reluctant to listen, as their First Song and then have that reach the ranked section of a video site. i feel like thats really amazing in itself.

& then u get to the story content. its just so different from other series at least that ive kept up/interacted with? kagepro, shuuenpro are more supernatural, mikagura, honeyworks are feel good types, whatever nayutans got going on, etc, all of them have a lot going on yeah. & then hiiragi magnetite comes in here with what seems like another of a time loop type series, which is already cool & fun by itself, but then they throw in so much science & physics & the like & from the very first song theres already a lot of emphasis on the importance of not just the present time, but also the past & the future thats being aimed for & everything in between. on top of that u cant get everything just from the lyrics, which yeah typical for vocaloid, theres all the very brief text, all the small details in the still art, the very slight overlay details (ie the rain effect in aru sekai) that just keep adding to the story. even the text being reflected.

aru sekai shoushitsu is like. the first time u listen to it ur like. okay. great. did it really need to be this long. but yeah even the song length is part of the story telling i think. aru sekai brings up the donut shape & repetition ideas a lot, and beyond a few lines there actually not too much lyrical repetition, but the whole song itself is in the restart, try, end, repeat type formula it talks about. there is a part where it sounds like it could end in the middle & then it picks up again & the lyrics about the story are changed. its like a demonstration of the whole "this way to save that world didnt work, let's try this instead" idea thats going on. wish i could understand more than "function" & "toroid" in the weird repeating lines bc i feel like it holds a lot of info but unfortunately still havent figured it out. it does a really good job of setting everything up & how its composed its not even a chore to listen to for the whole 11 minutes.

kyuuyaku hanka gai is similar. its long (6 min) not as long as aru sekai but still long enough that its getting across the need for patience & waiting all while the song is so intense and desperate sounding. aru sekai held a very scientific/logical approach to things, but whether its past beliefs (since it its the song explaining the "past") or desperation kyuuyaku introduces some religious type thinkings both in the non lyric text & lyrics while still having the logical/science approach as well. the song itself isnt panic inducing but the composition definitely expresses the hopelessness & desperation, especially with the bell in the second half i think, but also the "good bye see you tomorrow" corrupting into the next lines & then the long high notes almost like a crying type of screaming. & then at the end of all of it theres the melody of the aru sekai line about being reborn to really drive home it didn't work before but it'll happen again and they need to keep trying

shuuen touhikou too. its the shortest so far (and i do find it funny so far every song has been like half the time of the previous) but again. the worlds being destroyed again. waiting for help in the "past" didnt work. all they can do is flee as fast as possible. theyre running the whole song (maybe not physically running the whole thing bc like ive said before how many quintillion ri is not a reasonable distance for a human person by any means). so it makes sense for it to be a shorter song. they know whats coming and they dont want it so they'll avoid it with everything theyve got (mood) theyve tried fighting, but fighting didnt work so theyve sheathed their swords, will use them if they need to, but mainly just trying to find away to get to a safe world. theres lines from both other songs in the bg text which isnt just a "theyre connected" thing but reasoning into whats going on. & in terms of composition theres the beginning like everythings, fallen, clattered down, & then the song picks up with that "lets flee" energy. that said, fleeing ≠ giving up by any means, more like buying time i think

theres just so much going on & so much info it feels like the more u know the less u understand but its so intriguing u have to keep trying to understand.

just. these two worlds whos fate are tied together trying to save what they cant & it just keeps repeating but including all the technical, theoretical, philosophical ideas that make it work. i just think its so interesting

[devertigozation]

My matryoshka theory

about this post - https://devertigozation.tumblr.com/post/189485408602/kuma-la-la-i-couldnt-decide-which-version-i and my tags under it.

So. I’ll start right from the top, so as not to miss anything, and will pull this theory forward by strings, so hold on with me, seeing as I don’t know how much of the knowledge on which this theory is based is considered to be common knowledge.

So, let’s start from the beginning. Grrm is fairly well-known for his kill-the-main-character kind of trope (yes, I’m going to take this from beginning-beginning, but this is important so bear with me). He’s been famously criticized for this choice, and to the critics, he has said that even though he kills the main characters, their lines/narratives/arcs don’t just randomly disappear with those murders (so, the deconstruction of the most well-known trope is deserved, grrm argues) - those lines are being inherited or being passed to another character who absorbs the narrative of his predecessor.

Let’s look at this through the narrative of the character who has been first victim of this trope, and who’s death (arguably) is one of the most important/purest in establishing the rules by which grrm deconstructs the trope. Ned Stark.

-I’ll hide the rest bc this is growing to be a monster -

Ahead I present you a matryoshka narrative theory.

So Ned’s line - he goes to the South in order to uncover the plot of Arryn’s murder. He uncovers that Robert’s children are not his legitimate heirs, but Jaime’s, which’s why Jon Arryn’s been murdered, and same happens to Ned Stark. So even though (famously) Ned Stark is the reason why the rebellion for Northern independency has begun, Ned himself never wished to set that particular line in motion, never had that goal in himself. But - his work undermined the power of the person who sits on the Iron Throne after Robert’s death. So Ned discovered that the “official” heir to Robert isn’t an actual heir.

This is also grrm and so there are actually some pretty cool moments in which the continuation is foreshadowed - Robert mentions that Ned should’ve sat on the throne, the rebellion against the crowd itself ended well for Baratheons who got the throne, but Starks got nothing (redistribution towards fairness is something that grrm surprisingly tries to do in his story).

Robb Stark who has begun his rebellion, first in the name of his father/demanding freedom to his father+sisters, after Ned’s death has inherited Ned’s line, and continued it - saying that Joffrey isn’t the King for the North. And now, comes the most important part of my matryoshka theory. Even though the real matryoshka dolls get smaller with their uncovering, it is grrm and so the narrative doesn’t get smaller, but each new doll as it opens up gets bigger. Robb Stark, quite naturally, grows that narrative out - and Northern Independence gets added to the line. (So if it isn’t Joffrey, who is the King for the North? Answer gets clear, Northerns can’t support neither Renly, nor Stannis, it must be a Stark).

Next, Robb’s clear heir is Jon, we know it - the books had Robb officially establishing Jon as his heir, and TV-series already hailed Jon as KITN.

How much can we trust the TV-show? Well, obviously lots of changes, but I think some big plotlines were given by grrm and had to be hit - Bran will be King, North will get independence and Sansa will be the Queen in the North. And Jon will be, for a time, a King in the North. (I don’t, by the way, believe how Battle for the Dawn was depicted - like I don’t necessarily believe that this is the way in which it will go, and Arya might not be Azor Ahai, though I’d really like that, I rather really like the idea that Bran is the Night King, y’kno, but that’s not for here…)

So, Jon is Robb’s heir, and he will inherit also Robb’s line, which at this moment is Northern Independence.

This kind of narrative line, which will get with every heir more complicated, and in which every heir will add something to the line, I think will continue with Jon, and subsequently with Sansa (considering the she ends being QITN, she is the natural heir to the Northern Independency narrative). My prediction is that Jon will add another thing to the ~Stark against the Throne/North line~ - he will add the wildings line. (TV-series definitely didn’t explore that, but I think grrm will explore something through wildings - Jon who’s lived with them, Jon who fell for one of them and could even become their king, those things aren’t some empty promises, they lead somewhere). Perhaps Jon will establish North as even greater region (esp. considering that the wall will fall) - it will be North all the way through the wild region.

And now - I consider Sansa to be the true/last heir to that narrative (established and cannoned in TV-series), so what will she add? In my opinion she will be a needed/healing link for North - she will be the person who will at long last establish good relationships with Six Kingdoms (basically established in TV-series), she will end the war between two regions through her connection to both of them. While her predecessors have ripped North away from 7K, she will heal the relationship between the torn regions - while recognizing the need for Independence, she will also recognize the need to stop the war, this is why she is the most ~Southern~ of Starks, her Southerness is important for the North. (Appearance wise, it is a bit interesting, too. In this line we have Ned, first, who looks Northern - and he begins by undermining Southern King in the South; second Robb, who looks Southern - who will start Northern Independence; and the two last ones will flip out the established routine, Jon, who looks most Northern, will add further North to the North line, and Sansa, who looks most Southern, will establish good relationship with the South).

But what is truly cool about this narrative, I write it as I realize it, is that it isn’t some thing that has only the big line in it - Northern Independence, but it has some consequences to the characters themselves and the way in which their lines will progress. And what I mean by that, is that Jon, for example, has struggled to identify himself - he feels a bastard, he tries to establish himself as a brother of the Night’s Watch, becomes a wildings, a lord, he has a chance to become a King of free folk, he declines the chance to be Lord Stark, he will become Targaryen and through it a Southerner, and heir to the Iron Throne, it is a big theme for Jon, the person, - the self-search. The fact that he will be an heir to this line, will either form another question which he will have to resolve for himself - is he the true Stark? Is he the King in the North, after all, or will this become yet another identity which he will try, but that won’t fit him either. I still don’t know what the show’s finale actually meant for Jon - he won’t be, after all, a King in the North, no more than he will be King of Six Kingdoms. Maybe it will be a modern way of grrm establishing that after all, we aren’t meant to be heirs to our identity, getting them from our parents or our guardians, but are meant to establish them ourselves, and this is why, after all searches, he will be a brother of night’s watch. So this self-search will end in realization that we can’t search for who we are, but we have to make choices as to who we will be. Jon’s first choice is the one most important in establishing him as a person. It of course, will require another choice for Jon - he will have to choose Night’s Watch again in the end. It will also be important because for Jon it was actually a very important dream of his - to be his father’s true son, to be Robb’s true brother, to be real protector of Sansa, because she, too, is his sister. For him to be in this line, will be healing for him, and maybe, even more important, is that he will also be able to leave that dream behind him, to have a chance at becoming a true Stark, but choosing to be Jon.

But what is also cool is that to the second most important question of the show (after - who is the best ruler? the answer’s Bran and everything he symbolizes), the - who is the true Stark? (and everything that symbolizes), the answer is - Sansa. And it means a lot to Sansa, the character - who, too, struggled with self-identity (Joffrey’s bride, little bird, Lannister, Alayne, that grey girl?). She will remember that she is a true Stark (ahh let’s imagine a Lion King moment - Remember who you are! will tell her Ned Stark reminding her to kill Littlefinger), but it is even more important to the readers, who fell for Starks above all else, and everything Starks are meant to be - the good family, good morals, perseverance, connection to the nature and culture (First People), inner strength in the face of hardships, survival, etc, for all of the readers who fell for Starks, the answer as to who is the grandest of Starks, who is the true Stark, the answer is - the little girl who dreams, who falls in love and cares for songs and chivalry.

So, not only this narrative explores the grand theme of the plot - North region, it also explores the identities of the characters, but also through that quest establishes some important answers for the readers - that we choose our identities, that there is a great source of strength in dreaming and being kind, through the fact that the heir to the harshest/strongest line is a kind, sensitive girl.

So this is what my tag has been about - “A pretty cool matryoshka-type of narrative in which literally Ned and Robb are literally pulled apart to give way to their heirs”. This is the narrative. And they are literally pulled apart and from it springs their heir.

What I meant by other tags is that similar narrative lines have concluded in some other surviving Starks. For example, the most important question of the show is - who is the best ruler?, explored through Ned Stark, Tyrion, Robert, Stannis, Daenerys, Robb, Jon, Renly, Tywin and the answer to it turned out to be Bran. (!)

I think that Caitlyn’s line is the another important theme for the show/book. It is well known for it’s cruelty, for it’s savageness, explored through (long before Caitlyn) Joffrey, Ramsay and his father, Cersei, Tywin, Mountain, Daenerys will fall here. Caitlyn’s line will establish her as another terror of war - that sometimes the most savage/terrible of the characters are not necessarily bad (like Joffrey and Ramsay). I do think that Caitlyn’s consequent murders will become so graphic and terrible that they will be comparable to Joffrey and Ramsay’s. Plus - a lot of crimes do get committed for the religion and Arya from her little (cult) trip will be an answer to that, too. Arya will inherit and be the last in the line of cruel people, the little girl who’s seen terrors of war, and we will be forced to question just where exactly does the line of good and bad people lie (tv were too cowardly to explore that). Plus - Arya is probably the younger, more beautiful queen from Cersei’s prophecy (Cersei will grow uglier bc of something, this how Arya will be more beautiful, or Arya will pull the face of Lyanna or some other face), she’s been near enough in the show, too, during Cersei’s death, so she is also the heir to Cersei’s line - the cruelty and madness, where it begins and what can we do with it? And I think (though this is one of the under-developed thoughts) that the answer to the theme of cruelty and madness and crimes of war will not only become an answer to that plot, but to Arya herself, and through her - an answer to the readers.

Anyhow, I think, that’s enough, it is already a monster, but please go on asking me about my theories, because this’s been f.u.n.! (ask me about Weasley twins if you’re hp fan)

[the-drunken-fist]

October 19th.

Yeah, it’s here.

I was thinking a lot what I could do for my lovely boy’s bday (and I am not talking about Jon Favreau, u sinners) bc actually I can’t do anything but silly notes about manga. However, one night a great idea came to my mind and said:

“What about Shisui’s appearance?”

“Appearance?”

“Appearance.”

“Shisui’s appearance?”

“Yes, Shisui’s appearance. You know, curly hair, body flicker, non-stop sharingan using, mad oldsters, coups, Uchiha fucking guys… Shisui!”

“Has it been a parody to Snatch?”

And so, I thought it would be pretty… interesting (?) try to realize some Modern AU headcanons about Shisui and his appearance. Let’s do it:

Shisui had some problems with his appearance in the childhood. When he went to the 1 grade, children immediately gave him a name “Potato-Shisui”. And do u know why??? Because of his nose. Shisui had never paid attention to such a feature of him and didn’t even think that his classmates’ name-calling was bad. But soon our boy understood that children went far and everything was changing into bullying. Shisui decided to turn the situation the other way. He was the highest child in the group, so during one of those unpleasent moments it was enough for him just to stand up silently, showing who was the boss in the area.

Yes, Shisui was tall. And slender. Very slender. He was a small copy of Thomas Sangster. But! This body that seemed extremely weak for… life… was actually strong and full of energy. Uchiha had always been the winner in all sport competitions at school. Especially in running ones. And it wasn’t just one-minute activity. It was his life. He run every day, in different weather because it gave him the feeling of freedom, fly, wind. It gave feelings. Great, but Shisui got another name-calling… “Russian wolfhound”.

Hair. Lovely curls that would make girls moan in the attack of cuteness in the future. But at that time he couldn’t find any advantages in them. Only big problems in hair care. Once a boy from his group even asked him if he was a Jewish. Shisui was surprised and seriously started to think about it. He knew much about his ancestors but that idea had never been in any of his family’s books and documents. But for him it sounded cool. And interesting.

Shisui didn’t consider himself handsome at all. And, yeah, such questions were opened when the period of his adolescence became. It wasn’t an idea-fix, u know, it was automatically because there were a lot of talks about it, hormones and all such unexpected things. But our 13-year-old baby didn’t even realize that he expressed such charismatic, self-confident, strong aura that made him much more incredible than even the prettiest face could make.

With time the body of our Shisui started to fill itself with visible physical strength. The shoulders became wider and more massive, the muscles like layers were growing on arms, legs, torso aki on titan in Shingeki. After the vacation like a new person came back to the classes. He looked much older than all his coevals. And his voice… when a teacher first time called him to answer the homework after such metamorphosis and the boy opened his mouth, all pupils in the classroom twitched. Gentle, light voice had changed into deep, strong, with features of whiskey and honey.

Continue the previous paragraph. It’s extremely necessary to mention the type of his speech. Oh, boys and girls… he was a talented orator. Shisui spoke absolutely clearly, accurately, confidently. But this talent became the reason why teachers always asked the boy to participate in something like “Competition of readers”. Shisui was a polite boy, so his answer was always “Ok, with pleasure”. Despite the fact of his incredible skills in a such activity Uchiha didn’t pretty like it. To stand in the center of people’s attention was a nightmare.  

Later the traits of his beauty transformed into more masculine. All the parts of his face, that had always seemed too big for it, started to add very strong and self-willed features to boy’s appearance. He wasn’t a kind of guys with “traditional beauty” like Sasuke. He had something strange in his look (in a good way), contradictory. Big soft eyes with long eyelashes went with a strong jaw and high cheekbones in an extremely fantastic manner.

Clothes style. I say only two words – dark/casual. Boy, I can understand u absolutely. And Itachi inherited this style from his friend. Sometimes, when people see Itachi and Shisui together, they think that the boys wear the same clothes. Honestly, it has sense bc Itachi got some Shisui’s hand-me-downs. And the reason isn’t in difficult financial situation. Itachi doesn’t follow fashion but near there is always Shisui who can say “U have always liked this hoodie. Take it, i’ve become too big for it”. Would you refuse?

At 17 Shisui understood that it was time to stop pretending. He had terribly bad eyesight and it was becoming worse and worse. The problems continued from the time when he was 7, but our boy tried not to pay attention to it (oh, yes, lovely, I know…). He spent 2 hours in the optical store surrounded by long shelves with enormous amount of glasses of different styles, forms, colors. He was confused. Highly confused. Thanks to a nice woman there who helped him recommending many pairs which should suit him.

 Accessories. Shisui has always been a big fun of little details in the look (and he wasn't even supposed). Bandanas, caps, wrist braces, belts – are his favourities. He even presented а nice necklace to Itachi for his birthday. And after “the-optical-store-incident” he found out that glasses would become honorary members of his small collection.

 Bonus! Some songs from Shisui’s playlist. Naruto calls it “Grandfather’s album”:

Gone With The Sin – HIM (!!!!!!!!!! – forever love 1);

July - Noah Cyrus;

Thoughts & prayers – Grandson;

Six Billion - Nothing But Thieves;

Lonely - Palaye Royale;

O'clock - Emilie Zoé;

We Are Young feat. Janelle Monae - Fun. feat. Janelle Monáe;

About Her - Malcolm McLaren;

How We Roll - Hollywood Undead (at all HU was Shisui’s adolescent love);

Enough's Enough - Paris Shadows (Sasuke’s recommendation);

Where Did You Sleep Last Night – Nirvana;

Let It Go - Def Leppard;

When the Smoke Is Going Down – Scorpions (!!!!!!! – forever love 2);

Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High? - Arctic Monkeys;

Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon - Urge Overkill;

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - Soundtrack Wonder Band (Itachi always prays to all possible Gods to stop Shisui rampaging (dancing) during this song);

Otherside - Red Hot Chili Peppers;

Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones (rampaging song №2);

Chinese Democracy - Guns N' Roses (“No, Shisui,” Itachi said wearily. “Yes, Shisui. My car, my rules.”);

HUMBLE - Kendrick Lamar (unexpected but Naruto insisted. His “cool track” should “colorize” grandad’s list);

Lounge Act – Nirvana;

That's all for today. Thank u for your attention. And now go drink to the health of such a perfect man 🎁🎈🎂🌸💫

[plush-anon]

after many hours spent pausing the show bc good lord why did they do that, i have now finished Love Never Dies

annnnnd yikes 😬😬😬

I’ll start with the few positives I did enjoy from the recorded Australian production on Youtube:

1.) the camera work. This is the kind of thing I dream of for professionally recorded shows - it really allows for some lovely close-up shots of how the emotions play over their faces, it’s lush

2.) the costumes are well-crafted, and I desperately Want the Phantom’s long-ass swooshy trenchcoat cape thing he wore for the first half-hour 

3.) the sets used throughout this are honestly very impressively used and put together for some really fantastic shots

4.) the opening, with ‘Til’ I Hear You Sing Once More’. This song is honestly very lovely, and really articulates the Phantom’s loss and heartache for Christine. It’s sung very earnestly, and had the rest of the show been more like this I might have liked it more. 

5.) the Fucking Song, ‘Beneath a Moonless Sky’, is a guilty pleasure. It’s so over the top, and it is only about recounting that One Time they totally banged yo, and I love it. I think it’s the orchestration, but it’s also enjoyably silly even while it takes itself 100% serious. 

6.) As much as I hate to say this? ‘Devil Take the Hindmost’. While I hate the gist of the song - that being Raoul and Erik betting on who Christine will choose, and pretty much deciding for her who will get to be her one true love forever, completely negating the entire point of the OF musical where her choice was the most important factor for all of them - the pacing and the lyrics as they dance around each other are absolutely fantastic. It’s kind of sad to say, but Raoul and the Phantom, in this scene alone, display more chemistry in their singing than they do with anyone else. Let the hatefcuking commence~

7.) Some parts of ‘The Beauty Underneath’ I enjoy, particularly the ending scene where the Phantom is trying to talk Meg down. It’s very slow, melodic, and shows his more manipulative side, as well as how he can crawl into someone’s head, I love it. 

8.) This very interesting visual with a mirror in Christine’s dressing room. There are two separate scenes where someone is in the mirror singing. The first is the Phantom, between Raoul and Christine. The second is Raoul between the Phantom and Christine. It’s honestly a nice touch.

9.) The main three are excellent singers. 

 Unfortunately, that’s all on the list of what I liked. Everything else is a Giant Fcuking Mess. 

1.) The Phantom is no longer a complex, messed-up, but still somewhat sympathetic character, no; this is just a giant asshole who takes everyone for granted and barely realizes that anyone else exists except Christine, and even then only really as his personal instrument. 

He never actually apologizes to Christine for the shit he’s put her through and continues to put her through, but still demands obedience and forgiveness and understanding. It completely negates the entire point of POTO’s ending, where he actually realizes he’s done wrong by her and his actions pertaining her, and lets her go from his world entirely, and RESPECTING HER CHOICES AND LEAVING HER ALONE. 

Not to mention This Bitch also threatens to kidnap/possible “lose” her child if she doesn’t sing for him, keeps pushing her around and telling her what to do, and manipulating her life to change her decisions for her. 

AND HE’S FRAMED AS THE BETTER OPTION HERE

2.) Which reminds of me of the next big asshat: Raoul de Chagny, who has now become an alcoholic gambler who pushes his wife to do things she’s not comfortable doing to repay his debts, neglects his son entirely, and also is abrasive and controlling of Christine, to the point he yanks her back and forth on doing shit. Play this role! We should leave bc he was an asshole! No now we should leave bc Phantom is back! No take the role he’s paying triple! I’ll make a bet on whether she loves me to pay my debts! No wait you should quit ten minutes before you go on-stage bc I don’t want to lose you! MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND YOU MISERABLE PISSANT SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Like I can understand being overprotective to a certain degree, which could eventually morph into being controlling. But neglecting your son, your wife, drinking and gambling your fortune away? ALL of that?!? Really???

Shouldn’t he be desperate to keep his wife and son close to him at all times after the events of POTO? Never leave, never go anywhere, only do what’s safe? You COULD have set this up as a continuation of Safety versus Freedom with Raoul and the Phantom, show the good and bad of both and have her choose from there. Show the dichotomies and hypocrisies of both men’s standards. 

But nope! We’re just totes gonna make the husband like this for no goddamn reason, especially since Raoul doesn’t start suspecting that Gustave (his son) isn’t really his until Devil Take the Hindmost. He’s just that much of an idiot!

3.) The presence of Madame Giry and Meg Giry. Oh gods, where to even begin? They’re pretty much only here so that Sir Andy doesn’t have to make new characters with different backstories and motivations and introduce them accordingly. Nope! Now both women are blaming Christine for leaving the Phantom Man-Baby, and talking about everything they sacrificed to help him make his stupid-ass circus, and talking about how they love him and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Madame Giry in the POTO musical YOU LED RAOUL DIRECTLY TO THE PHANTOM’S LAIR SO HE COULD RESCUE CHRISTINE WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW SHE BETRAYED HIM

And, oh, Meg... she reaaaaaaaaaaaaally got the short end of the stick here. I just... poor dear, she was horribly treated in this. 

Neither of them deserved to be like this, honestly. 

4.) Christine, to a lesser extent. Experienced Literal Character Assassination, forced to choose between two horrible options, stripped of her agency entirely, used as a bet in a game between said two horrible options, lied to and dragged around constantly, should have taken Gustave and run off with Meg to run a music store together. Fcuk you Sir Andy, for using POTO characters to act out your bitterness and frustration at your ex. 

5.) The entirety of the whole Boardwalk Circus schtick, spawning an additional Fuck You to Frederick Forsythe, who thought this was a tenable option for the story to progress. 

6.) The Phantom’s deformity was literally just four lines drawn onto his face with crayon and some smeared lipstick:

what even the fcuk, you couldn’t make the make-up crayon drawing more detailed??? take more than ten minutes to draw it on???

I never thought I would say this, but even the 2004 film’s depiction was better than this! At least that one partially drew from a real medical condition, Sturge-Weber Syndrome. What the fcuk is your excuse LND?!?

7.)  The Lyrics. Oh gods, the lyrics. Some songs were decent, mostly the ones I listed up top. But the rest? Did someone forget to give the writer a more advanced/creative guide to rhyming lyrics? I wrote better shit in middle school than Glenn Slater did for the majority of these lyrics. 

Glenn my dude, what the fcuk is this nonsense? You’ve written good shit like the Tangled songs and stuff for Galavant! Why are you writing worse than an angst-ridden middle schooler? It is immensely frustrating, to say the least. 

8.) The really WEIRD direction in acting. No one here acts like they know how to move their arms or hands naturally; there’s a lot of really odd and unnecessary gesturing that makes it look like everyone has just had their limbs replaced with faulty robotic arms. There’s also a lot of leaning the characters do, with their arms perfectly straight by their side and it just looks wrong. 

9.) The Phantom’s pseudonym is Mr. Y. No, they never explain why it is he chose that particular moniker. 

10.) Bathing Beauty. Just... all of it, here, tied to POTO, present and here. 

11.) It’s been exactly 10 years since Christine saw/banged the Phantom, and her son is precisely 10 years old. 

That’s... not how pregnancy works. At all. 

12.) This weird scene with the American press, where they are absolutely obsessed with Christine, despite the facts they present, such as:

- She hasn’t performed in 10 years anywhere. 

- She was a French performer, and

- She only starred in three operas at the Populaire (Hannibal, Il Muto, and Don Juan Triumphant, which wasn’t even finished. So technically 2.2 operas that we know of). 

Why, precisely, would American reporters be so obsessed with her upon hearing she’s coming? I could see some interest given the whole shebang with the Phantom, but after 10 years of radio silence, would she really garner an entire crowd of reporters and photographers... in America, no less? 

France I could definitely see. America? Not so much. 

13.) Gustave is a flat, generic kid character, who apparently is totes the Phantom’s son because... he can play the piano well. And also has the same ideas of music as the Phantom, despite never being taught about them, or discussed such things with his mother. 

Is musical talent only inherited through the father’s side of the family in this universe? I mean, we never learn about Christine’s mother, just her famous violinist father. Otherwise, why is it Gustave’s musical talent isn’t attributed to - oh, I don’t know - HIS FAMOUS OPERA SINGER MOTHER?!?

14.) Apparently the Phantom is also now the one who invented cars OH I MEAN “horseless carriages” 🙄 A carriage with no engine and a “ghost horse” appears, and everyone is just fcuking stunned by this, like they’ve never seen a vehicle move without a horse before. In 1907. 22 years after the first functional automobile was invented. Ugh. 

15.) seriously tho who thought basing a sequel on the Frederick Forsythe novel was a good idea why did nobody think to stop him apart from Sir Andy’s pet cat Otto. why.

16) The Phantom’s interactions with Gustave are distinctly creepy and unsettling. I keep getting pedo vibes from him and I Do Not Like It.

17.) The death scene at the end is so goddamn over-the-top and out of nowhere I just want to throw something, ugh

18.) And finally, my last gripe with this mess: This takes place in 1907, and declares that it’s ten years after the original musical. Despite the fact that the OG took place in 1885. Yippy skippy. 😑

I can honestly say I am Not a Fan of this musical as a whole, mostly based on the plot and the character assassinations (one quite literal) and the poor lyrics. I can admire the camera work, the basic singing ability, the scenery and costumes, and maybe two or three songs. But I just do not enjoy it. It took me two days to finish watching it because I kept cringing from what shit kept happening, and had to walk around and listen to other shit to get it out of my head. 

HOWEVER: People do enjoy this one on the sake of it being so bad and over-the-top, and I can honestly see the whys. It helps that most of the cast can sing, and the orchestration is done well. There’s a TON of stupid to mock, and a lot of over-the-top awkwardness to laugh at. This is a good one to watch and mock with friends, IMO. 

For those of you who do enjoy it, I’m afraid I have to disagree on most of it. Still, it is nice being able to watch this one for free, even if it is a giant hot mess.

And that’s all for me on this one! Have a good week guys!

[rickybowxn]

hey!! ok so i just need someone else’s opinion bc i haven’t seen anyone talking about this and i literally can’t wrap my head around it lol ok so ricky and nini dated for a YEAR and never once said i love you? and if ricky isn’t ready to say it was he going to wait till 2 years? 3? 4? or was he never going to say it? i also don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that he broke her heart :( i love him but he essentially broke up with her after she told him she loved him on their anniversary 😭

hiya! this is such a great line of discussion and so there’s a lot to break down, bear with me this is gonna be a long one :)

let’s start with the thought that ricky doesn’t understand that he broke nini’s heart. i agree and disagree with you on this. i think that as a 16 year old boy, in the heat of the moment after he saw the instagram post and was clearly overwhelmed by it, he definitely didn’t know that he deeply hurt nini when he decided to not say it back and break up with her. he was as impulsive and sudden in action in response to a post/declaration that in his perspective, was impulsive and sudden by nini. he definitely underestimated the consequences and the weight of him not saying it back in respect to nini’s emotions, and thought that there was space to come back from not saying it back (and i’ll get to why he assumed that in a bit). now, fast forward to junior year, i think he’s definitely understood just how much he broke nini’s heart. i think kourtney’s resentment toward ricky in respect to how nini was treated and more importantly, nini’s general irritation/stand offishness and just distaste towards him throughout the first three episodes allowed ricky to understand how hurt she was by it.

now let’s get when ricky was supposed to/will say ‘i love you’. i don’t know about you but i personally believe that every relationship has a pace, and that pace is different for everybody. saying ‘i love you’ simply doesn’t have a timer on it, it could happen in weeks, or months, or years. how fast or how long it takes to say those words neither validates nor weakens the relationship, and that’s what i believe. personally, i’d argue that throwing around ‘i love you’s’ at 14/15/16 is more unusual/immature than a healthy/mature response (and i’ll elaborate on that in a bit as well) in a relationship. with respect to rini/rickini/ricky and nini, it’s more about each character’s motivation and circumstance with respect to their relationship, as well as their relationship as a whole. tackling that first bit, ricky is in a really rough spot in his perception of love atm, it’s been skewed into negativity since his parents’ marriage started falling apart, i’ve mentioned it in another post of mine when i was analysing ep4 - ‘the only concept of love that he grew up with, his parents - he witnessed them be in, and slowly fall out of love. his only understanding of love is that it is temporary and painful’. now parallel that with nini’s perception of love, beautifully explicated by the subtext of kourtney’s (kinda) monologue in ep5 “i don’t get it, what happened to the seventh grade nini who used to belt this song… ever since you discovered boys, you’ve spent way too much time trying to see yourself through their eyes”, we know that they are worlds apart in how they perceive and pace the idea of love, as well as a relationship itself. nini, from what kourtney said, can be deduced to loving the idea of love - having a boyfriend, getting attention and affection etc. she’s a 14/15 year old girl who started a relationship with the first boy she met and seriously had feelings for. it’s even safe to assume that she jumped into saying ‘i love you’ because she thought ricky was ‘the one’ and she must have watched about 3737328473 romcoms and musicals that pushed the agenda and romanticised relationships and being in love (which no doubt influenced her version and understanding, which is still completely valid and integral, of love). it’s really important for us to understand that just like ricky’s understanding of love is twisted, so is nini’s, neither of them have really gotten to knowing the depth of how good and not so good love can be, and how big of a commitment it is, and that’s because of what i talk about next!

the bombshell that has created the entire arc of the ricky and nini relationship is immaturity. immaturity! ricky and nini are teenagers who are still developing skills such as communication, their independent values and beliefs, as well as self-image. these are all fundamental aspects that encourage and foster a healthy environment for a romantic relationship to grow. getting into a relationship so young, at 14/15 and committing to a person is so difficult simply because you don’t have a developed skillset of these things yet, and ricky and nini are a poster example. remember how i said i’d get back to why ricky thought that he could come back from not saying ‘i love you back’ to nini? well we’re here now, it was immaturity. ricky didn’t have the empathy or emotional maturity to understand how it would effect nini, and nini didn’t communicate, (and actually still hasn’t communicated), why not saying ‘i love you’ back hurt her, she’s just been lashing out so far. now the mature thing to have done is to have sat down with ricky and talked through it, asked him and understood his train of thought. she didn’t do that and ricky just walked away without explaining himself. that, is called a lack of communication. and that skill, comes from learning and ageing. yes it was obvious to us as an audience what he’d done was so wrong, but seriously, as a 16 year old coming from a broken home and never having experienced/seen a healthy relationship, i doubt you any of us would be able to fully grasp it if it was happening to us. and that’s why i’d argue that taking a relationship slow, feeling it out and getting into it as older and more mature individuals is more thought-out. your feelings at any age toward another person are valid, especially in the case that they are reciprocated, but that doesn’t mean you will have a functioning relationship. that’s because relationships. are. work. and kids can’t handle the work because they don’t have the skills that match the job description. ‘i love you’ encapsulates that promise - exercising communication, empathy and support, it’s more than just an emotion i think. in this case, i actually think that ricky understands that better than nini does, because as i said in my other post, one of the motivating reasons he didn’t say it back is because his parents didn’t keep their promise - they fell out of developing their skillset and supporting each other. 

now the most important side-note: none of us will ever perfect these skills that make a relationship work, its constant practice in empathy, in communication, in understanding, in esteem and confidence, and in support. i just think that nini and ricky never got to experience even developing those skills independently and that’s why their relationship fell apart in the way it did. this break has already matured them, ep5 showed nini gaining genuine confidence in herself and ep4 showed ricking communicating to nini how he felt about everything going on at home. them independently going about their lives and growing is already inevitably readying them for being in a relationship and committing to them the right way, when they’re ready for it! i’m so excited to see it

finally, as for when ricky will say/was planning to say ‘i love you’ - i think the writers are taking us on that journey right now! the break ricky and nini have been going through is perfectly setting them up for that mutual and satisfying understanding of the love they have for one and other. i personally think that ricky has loved nini from the get-go, his fear of externalising those emotions is that he’ll have the same outcome as his parents, his insecurities right now don’t allow him to believe that he can have, or even deserves, more than his parents’ fate. hopefully gets out of his rut with talking about how he genuinely feels about nini and how he’s ready for that relationship soon. nini is already getting better at being more sure of herself and what she wants, i think she’ll soon realise how ricky is different to her, and how that doesn’t take away from his legitimate and very strong feelings that are ever-present for her.

what ricky did sucked and he was undoubtably a douche. but that was the exposition to his, and ricky and nini’s story, it only gets better from here! it already has xx

(i’m so so sorry it’s this long, you just really got my analysis flowing lmao, hopefully this wasn’t just a mumble and was kind of an insight. i have so much to say but my brain feels like ramen rn)

[leejeongz]

ateez falling out of love with their s/o

❤️thanks for requesting, my love, hope you enjoy it❤️

😘please understand this is not a reflection of the members’ real personalities at all and is simply made up for “entertainment”. don’t misunderstand😘

THIS IS VVV ANGSTY (half the gifs don’t even fit bc some of them have never been caught NOT smiling 😖)

hongjoong:

hongjoong knew something wasn’t right when he found himself wanting to be in the studio or at practice more than he wanted to be with you. he tried to push it aside at first, not wanting to hurt you. in the process of doing so, he was just hurting himself. he tried to distance himself from you as much as possible, kind of hoping you’d get the message but knowing it wasn’t right to do so. he wouldn’t seek advice from anyone, he wouldn’t even tell anyone what he was going through, he’d just suffer. one day it got to him a little too much. he decided to write some lyrics, expressing his true feelings at the time, no intention of ever making into a real song, just an outlet for him. you visited the studio later, after he said that he was there. he was not, but you were used to this behaviour by now. you picked up his laptop to take home when suddenly the screen lit up. you read what was on the screen and immediately started crying. you knew it came from the heart, his heart, and because of that you broke down. you didn’t mention anything when you got to the dorms, you were trying to suppress the tears. he was there, but he didn’t talk to you. a single tear escaped and that’s when he finally spoke, seeing his laptop in your arms and putting two and two together. “i didn’t mean for you to find out this way. i didn’t mean for you to find out at all. it sounds bad, i was doing it for you... but now i realise that i shouldn’t have” he said with guilt in his voice. “i’m sorry, y/n”

seonghwa:

he hated himself. you’d changed recently, your values had changed, your opinions, everything. now every time he looked at you, all he saw was your imperfections. he thought you were ugly now, inside and out and, although he’d never tell you, that’s all he could think when he was around you. he wasn’t attracted to you anymore, your personality or you physically. the idea of touching you wasn’t pleasant to him anymore. he really did hate himself for thinking this. this wasn’t like him at all, he always thought of you imperfections as idiosyncrasies. he lay awake at night thinking about if he knew what he was thinking, how sad you’d be, and that’s why he never said he didn’t love you anymore. he didn’t ever want you to feel like it was your fault. you had a hard week at work, all you wanted was a cuddle from your boyfriend, but when he backed away from your little smooch, you knew he didn’t want to cuddle. normally he could force it, this time he couldn’t. you asked him what was wrong. he felt possessed, the words wouldn’t stop coming out of his mouth and he stood up from the sofa “i’m not attracted to you, i dislike you, you’re not mine, i’m not yours...” he continued as you sat and cried. it’s like all of the pent up anger he had towards himself was presenting itself, but to the wrong person. “i don’t love you y/n, not at all”. with that he stopped and sat besides you. “i’m sorry, y/n, i’m really sorry”. you sat in silence together for a while. “i think i should go” he huffed, his thoughts became angry again, he thought it was best to leave before he said something personal.

yunho:

you’d argued a lot recently. he was tired of apologising. you were the stubborn one and he loved that at first, he thought it was kinda hot, but now he just wished, just once, you’d admit you were wrong. the last few arguments, he found him apologising days after the main argument. he didn’t want to work things out anymore. this upset you, but there was no way you were apologising. maybe you had both fallen out of love, yunho knew he definitely had. you’d argued for one last time, you didn’t know it, but you had. you brought up how rude he’d been to your sibling for not saying hi to them when he came over, he didn’t even know they were home why would he say hi if they weren’t at home, he thought. you went to your room and pulled out your phone, waiting for him to come back and apologise like always, knowing it could be days. he was sat in your living room. he had no motivation to apologise, there was no incentive, to him there was no relationship left to save. you came out of your room, surprised to see him sat on your sofa. “do you have something to say to me?” you prodded at his shoulder as your stood over him. “yeah i do actually” he started “i think we should break up” he said sternly. you’d never seen him like this before “seriously?” you had to clarify. “we” he pointed between the two of you “were not a great match, it was only a matter of time before you noticed it too, i thought i’d save you the hassle”. with that he got up and left. that’s not exactly how he wanted to tell you, but at least it was over.

yeosang:

yeosang often found himself thinking about you. thinking about how happy you and him used to be together, looking through photos of your first few dates. he loved your family, they loved him. you got on well with his family, the first s/o his parents had ever approved of. you were too good to lose after all this time, so falling out of love for you wasn’t an option. he knew that’s what was happening though, however much he tried to deny it. he’d find himself visiting places he knew were significant in your relationship a few times a week, reminiscing on what used to be. he sat on the bench that you both ate ice cream on last year during summer, it didn’t feel like hug anymore, just a hard wooden bench, with no sentiment. he hadn’t visited you in a while, you guys still texted, but it’s easy to lie over text. his phone rang while he sat on the bench. it was you. seeing the heart next to your name sent a sharp pain to his chest. he picked up “come to the bench, we need to talk”. when you arrived, he shuffled up and let you sit down. he stared at the lake, not looking at you once. “i’m not sure-“ he stopped and swallowed audibly “i’m not sure i still feel the same about us” he confessed. he’s not sure if the words came out right, but they were out. “i’m sorry”. he stood up and left. you gathered you were over, but didn’t even get the chance to ask why. yeosang knew he’d left you hurt, with so many questions, but hearing your voice breaking while crying was too much for him to handle at the time, he had to get away.

san:

he never asked you how your day was anymore, he never asked about your family, not even about your pet. it was always him him him. he recently got asked to do a stage with an idol you’d never even heard of before. you asked him who it was, he didn’t seem to know either. he’d been practicing so much, the lack of his presence felt justified, he was just practicing you thought. you watched his stage with the other idol. it was sexy, sparks were flying between the two of them. you hadn’t experienced anything like that with your boyfriend in months. he had more chemistry with an idol he had barely ever spoken to than he did with you. that’s when you knew he didn’t love you anymore. your face dropped as you continued to watch, san no longer saw a smile on your face, just sadness. he didn’t question it, he didn’t even recognise it. you forcefully handed his phone back to him and you got up to walk away. he stood from his crouched position, he thought knew what was going on now. “it was just a stage, it’s not that deep y/n” he laughed, thinking you were jealous. “it is that deep though, isn’t it?” you asked with a harsh tone. you felt your left cheek suddenly become wet. “you don’t love me anymore, san... and that okay.” you inhaled and exhaled, trying to not cry more “it happens sometimes”. you left the room. san didn’t even realise what was happening himself, he had fallen out of love with you, and he didn’t even know it. after that conversation, he attempted to talk to you many times, trying to explain himself. you didn’t want to see him, to you it was over, you can’t be in a relationship without love.

mingi:

mingi no longer looked forward to seeing you. when you visited him, he no longer had an infectious smile plastered across his face, instead he greeted you with an emotionalises “hey, cupcake”. even the pet name didn’t mean anything anymore. you asked numerous times what was wrong, not suspecting a thing. he replied with the same thing numerous times, “i’m fine, just stressed.” he really did want to tell you, but he couldn’t find the right words. he never wanted you to think it was your fault or that you weren’t good enough for him, if anything, he thought you were out of his league. he’d ask the members for advice and would take it all into consideration before taking you out for a meal one day and confessing. he sat opposite you, staring at you while you looked at the menu. you’d been to the restaurant plenty of times and always ordered the same thing, time for a change you thought. when you asked mingi what you should get, the only thing he could get out of his mouth was your usual order. you awed, he remembered. he cursed to himself, fiddling with the napkin in front of him, he’s making this whole thing a lot harder. before you could even order, he started. “y/n, i think i need to tell you something”. he looked at you with sad eyes and took your hands in his. “this, us, it’s not right. it’s not right for me”. he noticed you tearing up. “you’ve done nothing but be a great gf/bf, please don’t think this is your fault”. he let go of your hands. “i think it’s best if we stop seeing each other, i’m really sorry y/n”. with that he stood up and walked out, leaving you at the table you always sat at with nothing but his messed up napkin opposite you.

wooyoung:

you had suspected wooyoung wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore a long time ago, but you pushed it to the back of your mind. you didn’t want to believe it. you pair never used to argue, now it was once a day. wooyoung was around you less that usual, and when he was, he was a lot less bubbly and happy and more down in the dumps. your heart broke at the sight but you didn’t know what you could do to make it better. wooyoung knew you knew too, but he didn’t want to say anything just in case you didn’t feel the same way and he’d hurt you. that’s when you started to distance yourself too, when he stopped being himself around you, you stopped being yourself around him. he thought things would change. you hadn’t fallen out of love, but you were trying to so it would hurt less. a few months went by, he still didn’t feel happy with you. after one particularly bad fight, you decided to surprise him with plane tickets to australia. he looked at you with sorry eyes. he felt guilty you’d spent so much money on him, so optimistic of you, he thought, but he knew a trip wouldn’t even begin to fix things. “what is it?” you asked, you thought he’d be more happy than this. “take a friend” he whispered. “you deserve to be happy and have a good time with someone who makes you happy for real”. he smiled a little and nodded. “i know you think you’ll be happy with me, but trust me you won’t. these tickets should be for two people who love each other, not for two people who are forcing love between each other.” he heads towards the window to get some air. “thank you, but i’m sorry y/n, i’m sorry you ever had to be involved in this, you deserve better”.

jongho:

he’d always been taught to put himself first, regardless of other people’s feelings. jongho used to think this was a good motto to live by, until it came to you, he put your feelings before anyone’s, even his own. this why was he couldn’t tell you that he didn’t love you anymore. he wasn’t sure when he started faking it, but it was definitely a gradual thing and it was definitely a while ago now. living like this wasn’t healthy, he knew that better than anyone, but anything to keep you happy. he’d often go to bed at night, thinking of the ways he used to make you happy before. he’d practice talking to you in the mirror so it didn’t look to be fake. but you knew. you’d known for a long time. it hurt you so much but you didn’t want to let him go. you knew it wasn’t fair and that you were being selfish, you told yourself every night, but his attention was irreplaceable. he came to your house one day, roses in his hand, a big fake smile slapped on his face. you opened the door, you looked tired. “give it up” you said letting him in. the sleepless nights had caught up with you, taking over your words. “i know this whole facade isn’t real, i know you don’t love me” you started to cry. “i’m sorry” he whimpered, leaving the flowers at your door and walking down your path at a fast pace. he hated you for letting him do this for so long, but he knew he would do the same thing in your position. he thought he’d feel better once you knew too, he didn’t. he felt horrible. you loved him, why didn’t he love you too?

gifs aren’t mine

[aqpippin]

All asks ending with 2 and 7 ✨ if you’re still doing them

the way I love you for this 🥺👀 look at me getting all my thoughts out

also look at me using the read more shortcut I learnt this morning 🌟 buckle up bc this is long lmao

2: is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to? —

fake dating au!! I have an idea in mind but there are some other wips I want to get through first!

7: share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it —

surprise, it’s from kof!!

“Jackie tells Nicky about how much she loves Jan, and before they know it Jackie is giving Nicky a play-by-play of her and Jan’s domestic life and filling her in on all of Jan’s little quirks that she has grown to love. She tells Nicky everything - how Jan sleeps on the right-hand side of the bed because she’s the little spoon and doesn’t like facing the window when she sleeps, how she goes to Jackie’s favourite Persian supermarket on the other side of the city to get the good lokum when she knows Jackie is having a bad day, how she stops in to see Jackie’s parents every Wednesday after she’s seen her own.”

look, we all know I’m a soft bitch .. but this in particular makes my heart flutter 🥺🥰 there’s just something that feels so right about jackie knowing and loving all the little things about jan — tbh I can’t word it any better than this but just know I’m very proud of the characterisation in kof

12: is there an episode above all others that inspires you just a little bit more? —

I don’t think so! not one that I’m like consciously aware of lmao

17: do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? —

depends! oneshots I write in order but for multi chapter works I have bits and pieces all over the place and just string it together later! like I have parts of barracuda done that are from later chapters but I haven’t finished chapter one yet

22: choose a passage from one of your earlier fics and edit it into your current writing style. (Person sending the ask is free to make suggestions) —

look .. I only have one fic that doesn’t fit my current style bc it was written 2 years ago - so I’m gonna roll with back to you (chapter 4)!! also let me preface this by saying the only difference that I have noticed is that I used to write in past tense and now I find myself writing everything in present tense omg

Aquaria sighs as she watches Brianna braid, undo and rebraid Evie’s hair. Her fingers move easily with familiarity, and Aquaria eventually notices that Brianna isn’t even looking at the fine brunette curls, rather just staring at the wall blankly. Aquaria knows Brianna well enough to know that there’s something on her mind when she gets like this, something she doesn’t want Aquaria to know about - but Aquaria has never been one to drop a subject easily.

“You’re in your head again. Talk to me, B.” Aquaria coos, tucking her feet under her legs. Aquaria was always been told that Brianna had spent years working on managing her feelings of isolation and rejection, that the brunette sometimes struggled with feeling unwanted. There are times where Aquaria thinks that the nature of their relationship and their family brings back those feelings, and that perhaps Brianna needs something that represents permanence - something that tells her she’s wanted. She thinks about it a lot, but she doesn’t dare ask if it’s true.

27: how do you feel about collaborations? —

never done one, maybe one day 👀 it’s not something I’ve thought a lot about much, but I’ve definitely thought about it

32: how do you feel about smut? —

honestly at this point I think this question answers itself

37: talk about your current wips —

how much time do we have? I have a few so let’s discuss in quick fire style (but definitely check my fic-specific tags for more bits and pieces) !!

1. Keep on Flourishing: sequel to god is a woman, married!jankie, 10 year reunion, smut, fluff, quite jackie-centric

2. Barracuda: high school au, swimmer au, jankie/crygi/ ?? halldoll, enemies to lovers, smut, jackie and jan centric, background angsty crygi

3. I Leave the Light on For You: song fic exchange project!!, romantic-vs-cynic!jankie, teacher!au (kinda, not really), jackie finds herself starting to like things she used to hate bc they’re things that jan likes

4. amortentia au (remains unnamed): haven’t worked on it in a while!, jankie/crygi/lemyanka, probably going to be a series of oneshots, soulmate au, CANDLES THAT SMELL LIKE YOUR SOULMATE, still requiring 2 more scents for both lem and pri, the others are sorted (hmu if you have an idea of what they would smell like lmao)

5. Not a House but a Home: Christmas!jankie, it’s finished (I think👀), they’re decorating their apartment and they’re in love uwu

6. Wonderland: jankie, crygi, halldoll all live in the same apartment building - what could go wrong?, newlywed!jankie, and-they-were-roommates!crygi, romantic-vs-cynic halldoll, possibly room for lemyanka ??

7. We’ve Got Tonight: Crystal’s mad at Gigi, Gigi wants to fix her mistakes, Jackie just wants everyone to get along, Jan just wants to fucking get married

[illfoandillfie]

you know that scene in lady macbeth where they’re fucking and the bed is shaking a lot and she has to grab onto the bed for support because he’s fucking her so hard? can you do that with roger bc I’m dying for it. 🥺🥺

Okay ngl, I’ve never seen lady macbeth and I didn’t even know it existed until this ask (although since you sent this I’ve seen about 5 gifsets of it so maybe I just wasn’t paying attention before) but oof bed shaking sex I can absolutely get behind lmao hope you like it!

~~~

You and Roger had fucked in countless places – the bathroom of your favourite pub, against the hood of his car on the side of the road, the backseat of his car in the parking lot on your second date, in the studio, Freddie’s guest room, Deaky’s kitchen, Brian’s bed. But nowhere quite matched the adorable cottage you’d rented in the south of France for your honeymoon. It was a peaceful area, only a short drive from the nearest town, so you could still indulge in a romantic dinner for two at a nice restaurant or a cheesy tourist walk, without sacrificing the privacy and seclusion you’d been looking for when you organised the trip. The cottage itself was picturesque, large open fields stretching out behind you, a garden of lavender in the front yard that sent their sweet perfume wafting through every inch of the house, the definition of romantic getaway. Roger had carried you over the threshold bridal style when you first arrived, dropping you on the couch in front of the fireplace with a laugh. “So, Mrs Taylor, what do we think?” he knelt down in front of you, eyes twinkling as he used your new name. “It’s gorgeous, Rog,” you placed your hand on his cheek, leaning in to kiss him softly, “Perfect.” “I’m glad you like it. Would have been terrible if you didn’t since we’ll be spending so much time here. I intend to have you in every room, on every possible surface and in every possible way,” he winked at you, sending a shiver down your spine and whimper to your lips, “So, why don’t we start with this couch.”

He’d made good on his promise too, sending kitchen utensils and knickknacks flying as he hoisted you up onto benches, pressing you against walls, pinning you to floors. In the shower and the bath, on the big writing desk in the study, on a picnic rug outside amongst the lavender and on the window seat overlooking the countryside. But nowhere did he enjoy fucking you more than the bed. Heavy wooden frame with a large bedhead that leaned against the wall, it looked old and a little worse for wear, but the mattress was new and the bedding was soft. On your first night he’d lay on his side next to you, kissing you softly as his fingers worked to pull gasps and moans from you. It was sweet and soft, your orgasm rolling through you like a wave. And then he was in you, and you could have sworn you’d never felt so full even though he’d had you bent over the kitchen sink not 2 hours earlier. He rolled his hips and you heard a bang loud enough to pull you from the moment. “What was that?” “I think…” he rolled his hips again and the bang sounded once more, “it’s the bed. Headboard’s hitting the wall.” “Oh,” you laughed, “thought someone was breaking down the door,” “Luckily not,” he chuckled against your neck, “would’ve had to stop fucking you to deal with them, and I really don’t want to do that.” “I don’t want you to stop either.” “I don’t plan to,”

The next morning it happened again. Every time you shifted on your knees, raising yourself up before sinking back down onto Roger’s cock, the headboard tapped the wall. Each dull thump had Roger gripping your hips tighter until he’d had enough, flipping you over and thrusting into you hard and fast, making the headboard slam into the wall. Roger took it as a personal challenge to see just how hard he could shake the bed and then to see if he could make you scream louder than the constant banging. You were sure people in the town must be able to hear you begging Roger not to stop as the bed springs creaked and the bed jolted into the wall over and over. If you could have formed a clear thought you may have worried about the wooden floor giving out under you or about how there was definitely going to be a hole left in the wall by the time your honeymoon was over.

Every day he found a new way to test the sturdiness of the bed, making the whole thing shake with how hard he fucked you. You braced your palms against the headboard as he took you from behind, able to feel the vibrations through the wooden frame as it bounced off the wall again and again. He stood on the bed, holding your hair in a makeshift ponytail as he fucked your throat, sending a tremor through the mattress, making you gag until tears ran down your cheeks. Pulling your cunt down onto his mouth, his tongue flicking over your clit until you lost control and ground down on him, making everything rattle as you chased your release. “D’you reckon the people who own this place would let me buy this bed off ‘em?” “I doubt it Rog,” you said, raising your head from his stomach to look up at him. “Hmmm, best make use of it while we’ve still got it then,” he quirked his eyebrow up. “Christ, again already?” And then he was on you, teeth clashing as he kissed you hungrily, pressing you against the footboard. Your back arched as he sunk into you again and it was all you could do to keep breathing. The now familiar rhythmic banging started up again and you flung your arm up to grab the top of the footboard, holding on so tight your knuckles were white as Roger hitched your leg up higher, adjusting his angle enough to make you see stars. His own hand landed on top of yours, pinkies hooking together as he used the bed frame for leverage.

On your final day he wrapped you into his arms, rubbing your wrists where he’d had them restrained. “I’m going to miss this,” he said into your shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to the same spot. “You mean having weeks of free time to do nothing but each French pastries and fuck, or were you talking about the bed? I can give you two a minute alone if you’d like,” you playfully moved to sit up, but he tightened his arms, pulling you back down with a laugh. “No, I mean it being just you and me. It’s nice here. Peaceful.” “Yeah, I know. Back to the real world tomorrow. But that’s alright. You wouldn’t cope for much longer without the noise and the busyness.” “That’s true, already got a couple of ideas for songs I wanna work on when we get home. And I’ve still got you. Bound to me by law now.” He chuckled “Mmhmm, best decision I ever made.” He was quiet for a moment, unconsciously drawing random patterns over your arm, “I am gonna miss this bed though.” “Well maybe we can come back next year. Anniversary present to ourselves.” “And we will have to give it a proper send off.” “See if we can’t break it in half.” “If we can’t have it, no one can.” You laughed again, rolling onto your back as Roger propped himself up on his elbow to kiss you.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i’ll cover your deep heart and even your pain.

date: june 2020 / august 2020.

location: ash’s apartment studio / wellness retreat / ash’s apartment studio again.

word count: 1,866 words.

summary: ash writes a song for youngjoo’s birthday and decides to put it on his album.

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification. mentions of youngjoo ofc. i kinda... don’t... hate this 🥴

early june 2020.

he starts at home, where he usually does: in the comforting walls of his studio. it’s dark outside, but it’s the same level of low light it always is in his studio. the only sign of the late hour is the state of artistic drive his brain is in. a natural night owl, writing comes easiest at a late hour, a small blessing among few he has that has helped him survive life as an idol. 

youngjoo’s birthday is approaching and he needs something to give her. there’s no guide to shopping for your friend-question-mark-slash-hook-up-question-mark-slash-ex girlfriend-question-mark-slash-muse-question-mark. believe him, he’d searched both google and naver to try to find an idea.

the answer should be obvious. self-expression for ash comes far more easily through song than anything else. he’ll shower a lover in gifts if they ask him to, but she’s not his lover and they’re both too secure in their careers for an exchange of gifts, no matter how extravagant and expensive they may be, to hold all that much value based on sheer luxury alone. everything else, everything that would lend itself to sentimentality, feels like either too much or too little. there’s a line ash has to toe to keep from implying they’re more than they are without offending her by demoting her role in his life to that of a mere acquaintance.

a song can be shaped entirely by ash himself. he’ll be the auteur of its tone and content and everything it conveys. the problem ash has realized is that that turns back on him, forcing him to question what it is he wants to convey to her.

he’s written her a song once already. kind of. not really. he’d written songs to her and about her, but never directly for her. woo ah had taught him well enough that even showing him any of those songs is a bad idea, and yet here he is.

it’s obvious he needs to keep it simple. anything too romantic and it’ll come off as a confession. he doesn’t have a confession he’s looking to make, to start with, and even if he did, confessing on her birthday would be terribly self-centered of him. no one with half a brain and respect for others would believe that’s the right move to make.

what does he want to tell her? there’s a lot, but it’s easy to shift through and eliminate everything that wouldn’t be appropriate to make this song about. pulling to the forefront the specifics of what he can and should tell her is harder.

he abandons that and instead pulls out his one of his favorite guitars, his black gibson les paul, and sets to playing around with chord progressions and suitable keys. there’s a melody that bounces around in his head and he sends it soaring into the air through the strings, not satisfied until he finds a way to shape it into the kind of rolling comfort youngjoo provides him.

youngjoo’s a composer, a master with notes even if ash knows she doubts her lyrical ability at times. if words fail, he can hope she’ll connect with him in the heart of the song.

if he’s lyrics, so forward and obvious and often messy in execution under the excuse of heavy emotion, then youngjoo is the melody and harmonies that lay underneath, steady, strong, and deep.

mid-june 2020.

another night, he returns to the composition he’d written and he puts the instrumental on repeat as he pulls out a pen and a notebook and writes youngjoo a letter. if that’s what he wants to do through the song so badly, what better way to start than to do it for real? it’s not something she’ll ever read, but he'll have it.

------------------------------------------------------

dear joo,

letters are romantic like no other form of writing that exists other than, perhaps, song itself. at the risk of sounding like one of those old men who complain that all the kids do these days is text, it wouldn’t be so bad to bring letter-writing back. it’s comforting to read a letter, isn’t it? there’s something so permanent yet fragile about written words on paper. it’s comforting and delicate all at once. that’s how you make me feel sometimes. you’ve seen parts of me i worry about you having seen. on late nights like this without anyone else around, i get terrified that the sides of me that aren’t perfect are going to be the ones that cost me you from my life.

i know what you’d say if you read this. ‘don’t be silly. you’re perfect the way you are, ash.’ you’re always so much better and so much more loving than i give you credit for, but it’s not your fault i don’t give you enough credit. i know the woman you are. i’ve been your friend a while now. once upon a time, you even granted me the privilege of being your lover. i know you. knowing you so well is why i can’t get you off of my mind.

i’ve thought so hard about what i think you want to hear from me. i think about that a lot, actually, even when your birthday isn’t approaching. what do you want me to say? what do you want me to do? what do you want me to be? but none of that is what you’d want me to do, i know, so i’m now beginning to think it would be better if i didn’t think too hard about that. i’ll think about what i want to tell you.

song is a gift. i don’t believe in a god or a greater design, but music is the closest thing the human race has created to true divinity. in music, we can express everything we can’t say without a melody or a rhythm or a harmony to support us.

i’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, about us, and about this world we live in. there are days i feel so empty that i ache with the coldness of it. do you have those days, too? you must. i don’t know if you know i realize this because i’m in my own head so often, but i know my life isn’t the only hard one out there. i’m lucky in so many ways i take for granted. i know your relationship with your parents isn’t what you deserve it to be, and i know your heart is so big that you’ll do anything to see the good in anyone who crosses your path, even if it hurts you in the end. it may have seemed like i blamed you for it when we were together, but i understand you didn’t hide your feelings from me on purpose. i’ve never fully understood that about you. we’re so different in that way. but, now, it worries me more than anything. are there other feelings you don’t show me? fear, sadness, hurt?

i hope you know that you can share all of those emotions with me. i won’t judge you for them and they won’t be a burden to me. i meant it when i said i wanted to be a light for you. let me shine for you when your world is dark and let me be your blanket when you feel cold both inside and out.

i’m a greedy man and i want so much i shouldn’t, but please know that you allowing me to be that would make me happy. if i could return a fraction of the comfort and peace you’ve brought me, being able to give you that for your birthday and beyond would be the greatest gift i could ever give you.

yours, ash

------------------------------------------------------

the letter turns easily into lyrics after that. the letter is compressed into something much shorter, but it’s brief and to the point, avoiding the detours and scenic walks his stream of conscious letter had taken him on. it isn’t his most winding, poetic feat of storytelling, but he has no intention of it being. this isn’t a song meant to touch any listener who hears it. this is a song meant to touch one listener.

recording it comes similarly easily, and he insists on recording the song in one take. half an hour passes and he stops. there are times he’ll spend hours upon hours recording one song in the studio, but this song doesn’t need that. to fret over every intricacy of delivery and vocal technique would be to strip the song of its rawness, to present it as overly polished and perfected, and he already tries so hard to be some idealized version for himself in front of youngjoo already.

this is honesty.

august 2020.

the draft he sends youngjoo before he performs the song for her isn’t what the finished product of the song ends up being. it’s rough and short in comparison to what he ends up turning in to bc entertainment, but he’d had no intention of turning it into the company in the first place when he’d started. it’d been meant to be only for her, but as his album falls more and more into place, he realizes, in a lot of ways, it’s become a reflection of the past year of his life. it’s only natural that an album he’s played such a role in writing ends up as such, and songs inspired by youngjoo are all over the track list. when he looks back on it, she’s been a big part of his life for the last several months. some of his saddest moments had been with her, and that’s more than clear from the songs he’s written about her, but his happiest had been, too. his birthday and her birthday both stand out as times his self-hatred and internal resentment had been pushed away for long enough for him to genuinely smile in a way he remembers.

youngjoo won’t be the cure for his problems, much like he can’t be the cure for hers, but it’s times like their night together at the retreat that make ash want to try harder to solve his problems himself. this song, this piece titled ‘joo’ that he’ll undoubtedly need to rename, listening to it reminds him of the better person he can be if he lets himself. in a turn of fate, the song he’d meant to be a comfort to youngjoo also comforts him in the knowledge he’s capable of more than destruction. 

the song deserves a place on his album and he’s prepared to fight for it. so much of the album is dark, because that’s what he’s felt so much lately, but this one isn’t. the orchestral outro is added completely of his own accord, a further representation of how youngjoo makes him feel in their best moments together: light, dreamy, and nostalgic for days they’re supposed to have left behind them.

when he sends it into bc, it’s the only track in that email, and he includes a note, bolded and underlined so they can’t pretend they didn’t see it: this has to be the last track. it’s the final piece of the story.