#(here is my apology for vanishing because of work and health)

[itsjunear]

Shadows and Whispers

Note: Hello loves! I'll try to be more active and post more often, maybe once a week (this is my proof that I'm trying 😀). It's really been a long week for me, but I truly appreciate and I'm so happy for the support the previous post received. I'm very grateful for the likes, reblogs, and comments 💙💙💙 I'm not sure if I should make a second part of that one, but in the meantime, here's this. I hope you enjoy it, and sorry if it's a mess! Again, remember that English is not my first language, but if there are any mistakes, don't hesitate to let me know! I’m leaving the song I wrote this with, the slow version sounds really good :)

P.S.: I’m not really sure if this would work in ACOTAR, but I don’t know, I just liked the idea.

Words: +1k

Warnings: none, slight mention of tension

Summary: Reader and Azriel are sent on an undercover mission where they must pretend to be a couple. Reader has unresolved feelings, and the closeness with the shadowsinger leaves her confused.

The Mother definitely had a twisted sense of humor.

I was certain that in this life, I was paying for each and every bad thing I had done in my previous ones. If not, what would be the point of all this?

I had to suppress the complaint lodged in my throat ever since I had left the meeting with Rhys and he had communicated his plans for the Autumn Court.

Why? Why did these things always happen to me?

I could have gone with Cassian, Mor, or even Amren. I wouldn’t have had any issue pretending to be the lover of one of them. But of course, I had to go and pretend with Azriel.

Rhys had received a formal invitation to a ball in the Autumn Court, but decided to send us instead to investigate the political situation surrounding that entire red-haired family and how the stir was being perceived by the court’s nobles. Evidently, we were supposed to look as distracted as possible to catch any murmurs here and there, and the simplest way to do that was by pretending we were simply there to enjoy the evening as a couple in love.

Fantastic, I thought.

"I try to respect your privacy and not intrude on your thoughts" I heard Rhys’s voice in my head "but the way you’re shouting them, I could hear them even from the scraps of the Spring Court."

I grimaced but didn’t respond, letting the anger fill my mind so that he could feel it.

"Why are you so… irritated?" I heard him ask with genuine curiosity, and I sighed.

Rhys could dig just a little and find the reason, but he would never dare. Not without my permission.

"What do you care" I barked mentally, sulking.

I’d apologize later for speaking to my High Lord like that, but right now, I could feel the smoke coming out of my ears, and I guessed he could too because a laugh echoed in my mind before it simply vanished.

"Idiot" was the last thing I thought before raising my mental walls and reinforcing them with everything I had.

By the Cauldron, what was the problem? Well, for starters, I wasn’t in love with Cassian or Mor.

Hell, I had even suggested going with Amren to avoid going through this. Going undercover with Cassian was impossible—Nesta’s scent was all over him, and it wasn’t a secret that he had a mate. Mor was in the Winter Court visiting Viviane, and Amren… well, she was busy with Varian.

So that only left the shadowsinger and me free. Plus, neither of us was involved with anyone publicly, so we were the perfect candidates.

This time I didn’t suppress the groan of exasperation as I headed to my own room in the House of the River. I missed the company of the House of Wind, but now that Cassian and Nesta were there, it was impossible for me to stay—for the sake of my mental health, I fled that place. So I sighed and nearly cried when I reached my bed, bracing myself and trying to find the strength to endure what would happen in a few days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nights had passed. Two damned nights sleeping like shit, practicing a mask of indifference and composure that I clearly didn’t feel.

I had also been more sensitive than usual, so I tried to avoid everyone, including Azriel. However, I saw Cassian every morning at training, and although I felt him casting strange glances at me, anticipating my mood, he didn’t ask about it. For that, I was grateful.

In a few hours, Azriel and I would be on our way to the Autumn Court, and I was just trying to control my breathing to avoid panicking. Even now, my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t fasten the endless buttons on the back of the pretty midnight blue dress, adorned with some crystals at the top and quite fitted from the waist down. Courtesy of Rhys.

A knock on the door distracted me from the mission, and holding the top of the dress to my chest, I opened it to come face to face with the man I had been avoiding with all my might.

I had to restrain myself from shrinking away upon seeing him in all his glory—not dressed in Illyrian leathers, but in a formal suit the same color as my dress, fitted in all the right places that made him look out of this world. If you added the large wings behind his back, the stoic hazel gaze, and the tendrils of shadows that surrounded him, giving him a mysterious and irresistible air… My breath faltered a bit.

He scanned me from head to toe as well, and the shiver that ran through me was completely involuntary. His gaze burned, but I did nothing to break the silence in which we were immersed.

"You look… beautiful" he finally said, hesitating a bit.

I swallowed hard and looked away, unsure of how to act. I had never been shy about receiving compliments, but when they came from him, they managed to destabilize me.

"Thanks" I whispered "You look great too."

Azriel nodded, and I saw his eyes drift to my chest, right where my hands were holding the dress.

"I need help with the buttons" I said in a tired tone.

He nodded again and entered my room, closing the door slowly. His shadows roamed freely, and I felt one of them caress my braided hair, making me smile.

"Sorry" Azriel apologized as he gestured for me to turn around.

I shook my head.

"I like them" I replied with a smile that died the moment I felt his fingers touch the exposed skin of my back.

"And they like you" he answered in his usual calm tone.

I didn’t respond, fearing my voice would tremble, and I focused on avoiding my skin from tingling wherever his touched. I even resorted to thinking about the painful blows to the stomach that Cassian gave during training when Azriel’s hands brushed dangerously low on my back.

I knew he also noticed the tension by the way his wings were tucked, but he didn’t say anything. Finally, I released the breath I had been holding once he finished and he removed his hands, though a strange sense of loss invaded me. Nevertheless, I ignored it.

A moment later, I turned around and faced him, tilting my head back to meet his eyes now that we were so close.

"Rhys told me you had certain… reservations about this" he broke the silence, looking at me with a calm expression.

Of course, he had told him.

I almost scoffed.

I opened my mouth to respond, but he interrupted me.

"We won’t do anything you haven’t consented to or that makes you uncomfortable"

I frowned.

"Of course I know that, Az. It’s just that I doubt this will work" I responded, smoothing out my dress a little.

It wasn’t entirely a lie. Though that wasn’t the main reason. It all boiled down to the fact that doing this with him made me nervous.

"It will" he reassured me. "Rhys and I have evaluated all the scenarios. We are the most credible for this plan. Just trust me"

I nodded, though I couldn’t shake the slight anxiety of having him so close.

The shadow from before wrapped around my arm, making me smile again. Even though the touch was cold, it didn’t feel strange, so I didn’t fear playing with it with one of my fingers, not realizing I was practically brushing Azriel’s wing membrane until I noticed his shiver and the way his breath escaped him. I quickly pulled my hand away and looked at him only to find him with his eyes shut and the rest of his shadows slightly agitated.

"I’m sorry, Az" I apologized. "I’m so sorry"

I knew how reserved the Illyrians were about their wings and how they shouldn’t be touched, so his silence only increased the unease brewing inside me.

"It’s fine" he replied slowly after a moment. "It’s nothing" but I could see him swallowing hard.

I bit the inside of my cheek but said nothing more.

"We should go now" he spoke after a moment.

I nodded and took one of his hands, preparing to pretend I was in love with him, according to that stupid plan. When in reality, I would stop pretending I wasn't, for a moment.

That was what terrified me—letting my feelings out and not being able to hide them again after tonight.

But there was no turning back now.

"Ready?"

No.

"Yes" I responded with the steadiest tone I could muster.

He gave me a deep look before I felt the shadows envelop us, and soon the room lit up, leaving us at the entrance of the grand hall of the Autumn Court.

Then, I let go of one of his hands and gently brought it to his cheek, trying to convey my intentions. He held my gaze for a second before bending obediently, giving me the opportunity to leave a chaste kiss on his lips.

The sensations exploded inside me, but I held back. This was a mission, I reminded myself. So why did his hand immediately curve around my waist?

This is just a mission, I repeated.

I pulled away a moment later, smiling softly at him. Before we both straightened up.

I supposed we had made it quite clear that we were together by kissing in front of all these people. I made sure to do it at the entrance so everyone would see, and I guessed Az understood too by the slight squeeze he gave my hand.

I looked at him one last time, letting a bit of my love for him escape. And then I turned towards the crowd, with a bright smile.

All right, the game had begun.

List of tags: @favsrachz @kennedy-brooke @rafeecameronsbitch @cleverzonkwombatsludge @latinxbipride @highladyofhogawarts @mp-littlebit @andreperez11 @rcarbo1 @janebirkln @olive-main @sillyfreakfanparty @clementine111002 @thoughtdaughtersworld @blessthepizzaman @littleblackcatinwonderland @sizzlingstarlightsky @historygeekqueen @thebeautifulmysteriesoflife

Let me know if you want to be added to the list of tags!

[adrikazu]

Can I ask a request of Diluc, Xiao, Childe, or Kazuha having an S/o who is like Kanao from demon slayer

DILUC, XIAO, CHILDE, KAZUHA W/ S/O SIMILAR TO KANAO

— characters: diluc, xiao, childe, kazuha.

— c/w: mentions of fighting, coin flipping, difficult pasts and fluff :) def not proofread

a/n: this definitely took a while and i apologize, my return was far past due. hopefully i’ll be more consistent with my writing, here you are though!!

DILUC

— a very gentle relationship

Not a lot going on at first, to be honest.

At the beginning, your quietness and your lack of expression and emotion distresses him a bit after growing interest in you.

But he can’t complain, because he acts in a similar way, except willingly.

You do it as an entire defense mechanism, he does it because he’s distrustful.

For this same reason though, you two learn to have more than a few things in common.

He is caught by surprise when you flip your coin around him. He learns quick why you do this though.

Your difficult pasts, surrounding your family, come to truth and you grow fond and caring of this gentleman.

He’s very kind with you, after learning about you and very very slowly easing you out of his shell. What he was not aware about was how you were doing the same to him.

He’s strong and responsible, and soon when he realizes the difficulties, you two don’t necessarily work through it on purpose,

But overall, having each other definitely helped you, and Diluc.

With your help, he may have been more open to showing his care towards Kaeya and Jean.

With his help, you may have decided on things on your own and grown to express your admiration and care for your loved ones.

In the end, he’s a very serious person, but he makes exceptions for you.

He may not be very expressive either, but it can be obvious when he’s glad to see you express yourself and make decisions on your own.

Diluc views it as progress for your health. He really cares about your well-being.

XIAO

— a very slow beginning

Not a lot going on here at the start either, especially here, with how quiet and reserved he is.

You two are EXTREMELY quiet. The beginning was definitely one of the hardest parts of your relationship.

He wasn’t willing to open up at all, and you just couldn’t start anywhere.

If it wasn’t for his curiosity to your coin, none of this may have happened.

From afar or from close up with very minimal conversation, slowly but surely he got closer to you.

Even though it was a very slow start, it was definitely a start.

Xiao may have found your silence quite a relief for a while. He might’ve been able to slip out a few words about how he felt, and then vanished away.

It certainly took a while before you two were familiar with each other enough where he could talk and he could pull you out of your shell to speak back.

But it happened. It just took many tries, and in the end, Xiao grew comfortable talking to you.

Your slow expressions of care towards him made him feel important, and noticed. He craved it, so his visits became more frequent. Progress with you was faster.

His trust in you grew and yours in his did too. You began talking, and your coin was to thank.

The people in the inn noticed this, and welcomed you whenever you passed around.

He perks up at your visit, and he continues to talk to you with care, and feels relief to see you speak in return.

CHILDE

— a golden retriever and a black cat, for sure.

He definitely approached you first.

Most likely impressed with the way you fought, and approached you in hopes of starting a conversation and perhaps a practice match.

But when you flipped your coin on heads, and you turned him away and only say goodbye, he was left confused. But also curious.

He kept pestering you, and you kept flipping your coin or leaving without a word because of your schedule.

But one day your coin landed on heads, and you owed him a fight.

He won, but it was a solid practice match. Childe grew intrigued with you and invited you to walk. Your coin landed on heads.

From here on he kept with you, on one sided conversation. But sometimes, Childe would talk to you about how he felt.

Your silence was just comforting—It felt like you were listening, and caring about what he had to say. Even though you just couldn’t really talk, and stared at him while he did.

But his constant fights and injuries did do a number on you. Your concern grew, and surely, your expressions did too.

This left him surprised, but excited. To him, he had found your weakness.

From here on out, he came to you with crazy injuries in hopes you’d talk to him. With this routine, his plan worked.

But after you did, it just grew on him. He wanted to talk to you, he wanted to hear you. Childe grew fond of you.

To practice matches to conversations, he just wanted to be around you and you started to trust him and express more. Your ability to hold your own impressed him.

KAZUHA

— mending your expression

Another one who doesn’t talk much.

Your relationship started off interesting. His small tunes and poems, and his alcohol definitely caught you off guard a little.

He was interested in your form of decision making, your coin flipping.

Kazuha would ask you questions, met with no reply. But he didn’t give up.

Necessarily his talking, drew you in to listen, without much to say of course.

Kazuha shared with you his methods of expression; through his writing and the wind. You grew to express through these at first.

Whenever your coin decided to write with him or listen to the wind, you felt a little closer to him.

Kazuha revealed bit by bit his past, with words or through other means, which led you to do the same.

Sharing these important things also led to trust. Kazuha had earned your trust, and through it, also the practice of your expressions.

Slowly, after the methods you expressed your care for him. Your difficult past was revealed as well, and so we’re your skills.

Your practice with the blade impressed him, and he only grew more and more fond of you.

Soon your relationship with him was one of comfort, and short words. He as a person didn’t talk much, focusing on the wind and the quiet stillness of Inazuma.

You weren’t any different in the beginning. Your silence at first, was something he was fond of. You did not interrupt, you did not make a single peep at the stillness of the area.

Kazuha learned fast though that this silence was not what it seemed. But your relationship had slowly snatched you from your shell without even realizing it.

[catscidr]

im sorry i know i should be writing reqs but i just can’t stop thinking about slightly creepy office au coworker dottore...... im horn

you have a boring 9-5 job, trying to find joy in the mundane, else you go crazy. waking up to birds chirping outside of your bedroom window, the tasty to-go coffee and breakfast sandwich you always get in the morning, and your coworker greeting your still-sleepy self when you step into the office. always one to gossip, she’d motion for you to hurry up and sit at your cubicle so she can gush about whatever rumor was currently roaming the building. 

“have you seen zandik lately? his temper is worse than usual! think he just got broken up with or something? honestly, i see why his partner would call things off, it seems like he’s always prioritizing work over people...” you take a long sip of your coffee, relishing in the newfound energy that flooded your system. it takes you a minute to process your coworker’s claim. 

“how do you know he was even in a relationship in the first place?” you ask, scoffing in amusement at how fast her brain seemed to work; it was almost impressive, really. “well, he’s handsome, for one. and he’s loaded! i don’t understand how he can afford such a nice car with a salary like ours,” she sulks as she finishes her rambling. you take the opportunity to finish your food, setting your half-empty cup down to start prepping your workspace. 

“inheritance? or he’s crazy good at managing money,” you suggest. just as you thought your coworker was about to drop the topic, she perks up and slams her hand on her desk a tad bit too loudly. “oh! or maybe he works a second job? y’know, the cost of living is getting pretty high, so maybe he has a 5-9 on top of working here!” 

someone shoots her a look that says “it’s still early, lower your voice”, and she grins at them awkwardly before turning to look at you with a smile that rivals someone that just uncovered the cure to a deadly disease. 

you pause your typing, fingertips resting idly on the mechanical keyboard. “why do you care about what he’s up to, anyways? usually you avoid talking about zandik or any of the higher-ups because you know they’ll probably get us in trouble,” you point out, your shoulder getting hit as soon as the words leave your mouth. giggling lightly at how dramatic her reaction was, you turn your attention from your computer to your coworker. you’re met with a petrified expression and uncomfortable body language along with the lack of natural light behind you. 

“and why, pray tell, are we gossiping about my foul mood?” someone says from behind you, though you could recognize its owner anywhere. your blood runs cold— the warmth from your morning coffee having vanished from your body, not a single trace left in the presence of the office’s most intimidating employee (arguably). your coworker flashes him a wide, albeit shaky smile, and shakes her head a bit too quickly for it to be considered normal. 

“n-not gossiping! we’re just concerned for your health! right?” she says your name, nudging your foot from underneath the desk. you don’t have time to decide whether you want to detach yourself from your predicament or to go along with her bullshit because zandik bends down to your level, flashing a smile that doesn’t quite reach his dull eyes as he speaks for you. “then avoid spreading rumors about my personal life, it gives me a headache,” he murmurs quietly.  

you’d catch the unspoken threat in his voice if you weren’t so flustered. he was so close you could smell his cologne— musky sandalwood that made your head spin, losing whatever train of thought you had just seconds ago. “s-sorry,” you’re the one that apologizes since your coworker was frozen in fear, looking more like a deer facing headlights than an office worker. 

zandik’s lips stretch wider, vermillion eyes narrowing at her before flickering over to you. you immediately look away, suddenly now noticing the sheer lack of space between you two. if what you were doing before was unprofessional, then this was beating it by a landslide. although you couldn't help but wish that he bent down to your level more often. though, at the same time, he looked good looking down at you…

he stays like this for a few more uncomfortable seconds before straightening his back and walking away, no words spoken between the three of you. your coworker exhales a breath she had been holding in, and turns to face her desk in silence. 

you're left with a rapidly beating heart and the need to take a bathroom break even though you just clocked in not even ten minutes ago.

[divineslcyer]

PSA : Semi-Hiatus / Low Activity

So.. Trying to think of where to begin so I’ll start with this; My first and foremost priority is who suffers several severe health problems, those of you who know me irl/out of tumblr know what those are. Those who don’t, I’ll explain under read more some but I won’t go into full details because they are triggering topics. This blog is likely going to working on a queue system and I’ll be back to low-activity or a semi-hiatus depending on how things go in the next month. I’ll also be going radio silent, as I have my ways to cope and manage myself, including leaving discord servers/groups. 

Now, my mother’s birthday will be coming up, and it’s usually a harrowing time for her. It also does mix in with my work problems as of late. I’ve been stressed and feeling overwhelmed due to my work and lack of hours. It's the time of the year when I get re-evaluated, but I’ve yet to hear from my mother’s insurance or my work. I’ve also been taking on commission jobs because they really save me from having a meal on my table when my check is absorbed by bills. I’ve genuinely considered a third job as well, and do have options available. Back tracking to my mother, we have family problems and health problems at play for her situation and my own. She struggles with severe depression, anxiety, ptsd, and is diagnosed as suicidal. So I need to focus on her doing this stressful time of the year. Apologies again for anything here that could be triggering, but I wanted to explain myself should any of you who I’ve been writing with on and off see me vanish again for a time. Thank you all for understanding. 

[jacksonvilleflgirl]

Its Been A While

Hello all of my Tumblr followers. Its been a year, I had vanished once again. I'm not the best at keeping up with things and I apologize for those I've never responded to or followed back. Where do I begin? Let me start here, as I'm typing this I'm having a panic attack. I want to start out by saying that because when I look back and read this I will laugh because I'm freaking out and feel trapped currently but I know this always passes. I know this is anxiety because these are my anxiety symptoms I get when I feel an attack coming on. When I feel it coming I like to talk to God or write it out because it makes me feel better. I say to myself "I need to get this under control, before it gets out of control." I will be okay. This passes, it always does and the more I overthink it the longer it will take to pass. Okay now that I got that out here is my update. I currently got a laptop from my sister. I know I could use Tumblr on my phone but I like it better on a computer. Something about pressing buttons is so satisfying to me. Anyways, my daughter is 4 years old already. Time is going by so fast. I've been with my boyfriend for four years as well. We took a break this past winter as we had personal issues and it was best we took a break. We got back together in January. We only split for a month. It was really rough but well needed. I feel like things are better this time but we still have problems we need to work on. I've always had really bad trust issues and yeah I won't get into that because its a lot to talk about. I am currently dealing with a personal issue as I am a victim of a crime. When its all said and done maybe I will talk about my experience for those who have been in a similar situation. Those are my major updates in my life. After typing this I feel a bit better, my anxiety is slowly passing as I know it would. I go to counseling on Friday's and that helps a lot with my mental health. So yeah. Tumblr looks like it has changed. My blog is really depressing and I would like to start posting things that are more positive or things other's can relate to. We shall see where life takes me. I low-key forgot how to do all this posting/reposting stuff so maybe I'll fiddle around with this later on tonight. Time to get some fresh air. This post is long, so if you took the time to read this, thank you. Xo.

[cheerstotheelites-if]

Birthday Gift Conundrum

Hey guys! I tried my hand at writing my first fanfic for Fleur's upcoming birthday. Featuring Felicity, Emery, Weylyn, Cooper Ophelia and a mentioning of the birthday girl who deserves the best in the world, Fleur.

Note: I do not own the characters nor the original story "Cheers to the Elites". All credits to the author @l-writes-things for creating the story @cheerstotheelites-if.

note note: The characters may act different from the original.

note note note: timeline of the events is the in the first year of MC and Fleur dating period

note note note note: sending it in the form of an ask because for some reason the submission option is not working for me

note note note note note: for fear of the ask getting too long, the fanfic will come with parts. Enjoy part 1

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14 February 2023

You can see the special mark, the word written in capital letters “IMPORTANT” on the date, as if to further emphasize its significance to the calendar’s owner.

3 months ago

Felicity POV

“Emery, go call MC to come down for dinner.”

Her child had been cooped up in their room from the moment they arrived home. It was not the first time and not too unusual for someone studying at a prestigious school as Lumintoille. But this habit of theirs has gotten worse lately. Unless she sends Emery to distract them/call them down (drag them), they won’t budge from their seat.

*Sigh* She should have a talk with them.

It’s good to be studious, but they should be careful. Pushing their body to its limits could damage their health. She and Zeke would know.

(Author note” little does she know her child is worrying over a birthday gift for their girlfriend…)

Just as Emery is about to knock on his parent/sibling’s door, he hears some voice sounds. Not only his parent/sibling’s. Others too. Familiar voices. Family. His eyes lit up.

And just like that, he opens the door excitedly, barging in their room.

Are you talking with Big Brother Weylyn, Cooper and Big Sis Ophelia?

MC POV

They did not expect Emery barging into their room. But even if he knocked, would they have heard?

Probably not.

They were too focused on the topic of the group call, which they initiated. Asking for help was not their forte, nor their preferred option, buuuuuuuuut… they had to.

You see… Observing Fleur carefully everyday would result in her reprimanding them for staring too much. Mulling over the perfect gift for her yielded results… though not helpful ones considering the huge list their brain came up with. Then the anxiety from the overthinking on how she would like the gift crept over. It didn’t leave for months.

Dispersing the stray thoughts away, they smile softly: “Yes Emery. Come and greet them if you’d like.”

Emery rushes to their parent/sibling’s side and they lift him up to sit on their lap. He takes the phone from where MC left it earlier, thrilled to talk with Weylyn, Cooper and Ophelia.

“Hello! – he greets them, waving his free hand at the same time.

“Hi!” “Hello!” “Heyo!” – all three of them greet Emery at the same time.

“Well, MC, you didn’t like any of our ideas so maybe you should ask Emery for help” – Cooper suggests, grinning mischievously similarly to a Cheshire cat.

“Hmmm. Not a bad idea. So, buddy. What do you think we should prepare for Fleur’s birthday?”- They ask half-jokingly.

Big Sis Fleur’s BIRTHDAY?! Tomorrow?! Why didn’t you tell me, MC?! – Emery shouts at them with a pouting face.

All of four of them laugh. Emery, leaves the phone on the table and crosses his arms, still pouting. “Meanie.”

MC stops their laugh and apologizes: “Sorry. I forgot to tell you. But don't worry, her birthday is not tomorrow, I promise."

"When is her birthday then, MC?" - he asks. Pouting face vanished, replaced by an expression of curiosity, but still keeping his hands crossed.

Adorable

Thinking that, they chuckle and lean over to take their handmade desk calendar to show him.

"Here, Emery. Look at the marked date. 14 February (14 Blossom). That's when we celebrate and give our gifts to her."

"Can I give her a rose? Will she like it?"

"Of course. You can give her any gift and she will like it." - their girlfriend always had a soft spot for their son/sibling.

"What will you give her?" - Emery innocently asks, not knowing their struggles with picking a single gift for her.

"Why don't you help him with picking a gift Emery?" - Ophelia chimes in.

"Why not give her a rose too?"- a good idea but not one they preferred. They wanted to give her something more unique and memorable. Not something they could give her any da-

Wait.

Memorable?

They could do that!

Something handmade and memorable. But what?

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Thank you for reading until the end. Stay tuned for the next part: "Birthday Gift Preparation"

🥺🥺🥺

Words cannot describe on how I feel about this jgfhds and there's more coming?! 😳😳😳

Thank you for sharing your work, Fic. I can't wait to read the rest of it.🥺💙💙💙

[lepatites]

so.. i continue to write this since i have met the counselor. i said everything written here, and surprisingly the root is my senior high school experience.

senior high school is one of the life phase i do not like to talk about to everyone. there were so many sorrowful moments full of disappointments, regrets, and miscommunications between me, my mother, and my teachers. and i was not a talkative girl back then, i push all my sadness deep in my soul without me knowing that makes her, the 17 years old me, stuck within my soul.

the psychologist said, my body is recording a pattern for years since i was 17, or maybe even younger than that. the 22 year old me is in a healthy environment with lots of supports from family and friends. but, the 17 y.o still haunts. it makes me got panic attack when i am going to meet my lecture, because my 17 y.o thinks all lecturers will scold me or tell my mother for every little mistake I did just like my senior high school teachers. when i got bad grades, my 17 y.o me thinks my mother will be disappointed and scold me again for not performing well at school, then compare me to my brother. the repeating pattern i experienced in high school still recorded in my body, (since i have not released it), so it affects my daily habit and health, now in 22 y.o me.

during the counseling session, my psychologist massaged my back while telling me to imagine about my senior high school days. i cried a lot, even now while writing this, my eyes are teary already. while i was crying and imagining my senior high school days, she told me 'you are safe now' repeatedly. she wants me to embrace that horrible memories and realize that i am now in different place, different environment, and different year, so that even though i have bad memories, i am still safe now. my mother has supported me and never scold me like before, my lecturers always give constructive feedbacks and never tell my mother anything about what i did in college, and my friends have been taking care of me all the time here. i am safe now.

my unconscious state always punish myself when i do not perform well. i lowkey never satisfied with my achievements, and always compare myself with other (even when i feel sad, i tell myself i do not deserve to be sad cause other people have worse problem). i may be, unconsciously, never validate my feelings and never appreciate myself to the point i want to destruct myself (unconsciously). that is why, i often got headache, gerd, and now eczema. gerd and eczema works to destruct myself because i hate myself more than anyone, that i unconsciously want to vanish, and my brain and body listen to me more better than anyone else. every cells of my body listen to my unconscious desire of being vanished.

my psychologist said, you should have appreciate her, my 17 y.o, first before anyone else. cheer for her when she feels sad and anxious. release her anger, her disappointments, her regrets, her untold stories. so that she is slowly will be free and not overcoming the 22 y.o me. always remind myself that i live in the present where everything is already changed and fine. i am safe now.

it makes me reminded of one of the conversation with my friend, my previous student council's staff to be exact. i apologize to them for everything because i was a bad leader and i barely did nothing. it liberates me a bit when they said that i was doing well. they said they appreciate me so much back then, and now too. a half of myself already against that idea, but i remain silent and smile, trying to forgive myself too.

now that it becomes clear, i feel like opening a dark book of my senior high school moments. and i feel braver to open that often in the future. even though perhaps i would cry, but i will take it as a part, as my effort to heal.

anyway, i have already forgiven my mother and teachers. my mother, especially. she already did her best to understand and support me. (i have lot of things to say about this, but i can't continue to write because i want to cry already, and i am in the library). i just want to say i love her so much and i want her to live without any regret as a mother. she is a great mother. if in another life i reborn, i would like to be her daughter again.

so the only thing that i should do is forgive myself. even though it takes time, but i will forgive and appreciate myself more. i will tell my cells to liven me up, to be healthy, to be strong. because the 22 y.o me has a beautiful life, and she wants to live.

aku mau menulis tentang hal yang akan aku bicarakan dengan psikolog nanti. setelah berpikir berpuluh-puluh kali, sepertinya berdiskusi dengan psikolog adalah hal yang patut dicoba lagi. aku menulisnya karena aku kesulitan untuk mengutarakan apa yang ingin aku katakan dengan baik.

ini akan jadi pertemuan kedua kalinya. pertemuan pertama tahun 2020, ketika aku mengalami sakit kepala yang terlalu sering terjadi beberapa tahun ke belakang. sebelumnya aku pergi ke dokter umum, dan pertanyaan pertama dokter itu adalah 'apa kamu bahagia?' membuatku tertegun. sakit kepala itu sering aku alami sejak sekolah menengah atas, tapi tidak pernah terpikir bahwa penyebabnya hanya karena aku tidak cukup bahagia. pertanyaan dokter itu pun hanya aku jawab dengan kekehan bingung, karena aku rasa aku baik-baik saja. tapi setelah coba dipikirkan kembali, memang sakit kepala itu sering muncul ketika aku khawatir tentang sesuatu, terutama ujian kalkulus atau fisika. sakit kepala, jantung berdegup kencang, keringat berlebih, lemas, dan lain sebagainya. akhirnya, aku memutuskan untuk berkonsultasi dengan psikolog. saat itu dia menjelaskan kinerja otak yang terhambat ketika kita merasa panik dan khawatir berlebih. singkatnya, aku mulai belajar untuk mengidentifikasi hal yang membuatku tertekan, mengatasi rasa panik, dan mengantisipasi jika hal tersebut terjadi lagi. setelah satu kali konsultasi itu, dan dengan kepercayaan diri pada kemampuanku untuk mengendalikan diri, sakit kepala itu mulai berkurang dengan baik.

tapi tubuhku memang selalu bereaksi lebih cepat dari pikiran dalam mengidentifikasi masalah yang membuatku stress. bulan oktober sampai desember 2022 lalu, aku kembali merasakan kehidupan yang berwarna abu-abu.

memasuki tahun terakhir sebagai mahasiswa, aku mencoba menjalaninya dengan santai. aku merasa sudah memberitahu diri ini bahwa rintangan di depan cukup sulit. aku harus menyelesaikan tiga mata kuliah sambil menyusun tugas akhir. aku sering mengatakan pada diri sendiri, "kamu bisa melakukannya perlahan, sedikit demi sedikit", kemudian aku juga sering mengingatkan diriku sendiri "jangan bermalas-malasan, kamu akan menyesal nantinya seperti yang pernah kamu alami dulu. ingat betapa sedihnya kamu jika gagal dalam ujian dan menyadari kamu bisa melakukannya lebih baik jika saja tidak membuang waktu?"

setelah dipikir, aku tetap mencoba menonton video pembelajaran yang berdurasi panjang itu meskipun lelah, aku tetap mencoba mengerjakan tugas dengan kemampuanku sendiri, mencoba mengerti mata kuliah meskipun tertatih-tatih, dan tetap datang untuk bimbingan skripsi setiap hari rabu meskipun tidak ada progres apapun. aku senang karena sekarang aku menyadari bahwa aku tidak pernah lari dari tanggung jawabku.

tapi saat itu, aku sama sekali tidak bisa mengapresiasi sendiri. aku sering mengkritisi dan mengkritik diriku sendiri dengan kejam lebih dari siapapun. aku merasa sangat lambat dan tertinggal. aku sadar masih banyak waktu yang aku buang, bangun siang, atau sekedar melamun dan memikirkan hal-hal buruk. saat itu aku merasa aku kurang berusaha, tapi tidak sanggup untuk mengeluarkan lebih banyak tenaga. banyak pelajaran yang tidak bisa aku mengerti, sampai kesal dengan diri sendiri.

di sisi lain, saat itu aku memikirkan kabar ayahku yang semakin sakit dan keluarga yang mengurusnya. dia sudah sakit stroke sejak aku kelas 2 sekolah dasar. kondisinya saat ini kembali seperti anak kecil yang tidak stabil, segala kemauannya harus dituruti, pemarah, tapi juga seorang kakek yang lemah dan tidak berdaya. dia menghabiskan setiap harinya di depan tablet untuk mengaji, tapi sisanya mungkin hanya menatap halaman rumah dan langit-langit. tidak banyak, bahkan hampir tidak ada yang mengajaknya mengobrol. interaksi kami hanya sebatas membawakan air, mengantar ke toilet, atau mengisi daya tabletnya. aku terus terusan membayangkan betapa melelahkan, membosankan, dan menyedihkan menjalani hidup seperti itu bertahun-tahun. tapi aku juga memikirkan ibuku yang setiap hari menghadapi dan mengurusnya bahkan di sela pekerjaannya yang sibuk dan umurnya yang juga sudah semakin menua. aku juga memikirkan kedua kakakku yang terus bekerja di rumah karena harus membantu mengurusnya, meskipun mereka punya keinginan yang kuat untuk menjalani hidupnya sendiri dengan bebas.

pikiranku saat itu terasa membingungkan. aku merasa aku lari dari tanggung jawabku mengurus ayah sendiri, aku merasa egois karena menjalani hidup di jakarta sambil hura-hura, aku merasa aku tidak banyak mempedulikan ibuku yang sudah tua dan kelelahan itu. kemudian aku berpikir lagi, 'oh aku harus membalasnya dengan prestasi, dengan belajar yang baik'. tapi juga aku tidak melakukan itu, dan aku diliputi dengan perasaan bersalah terus menerus. aku merasa semakin takut gagal, aku merasa semakin takut mengecewakan keluargaku sendiri.

aku menjalani hari sambil terus menghukum diri sendiri jika melakukan kesalahan sekecil apapun, atau bermalas-malasan, tapi tidak juga membuatku berhenti bermalas-malasan, tapi aku jadi marah akan itu, dan aku marah pada diri sendiri, tapi juga tidak membuatku menjadi lebih baik. aku merasa kesal dengan diri sendiri, aku tidak mau melihat diri sendiri, dan aku sering merasa sangat kecil. aku tidak tahu bagaimana mendeskripsikannya, aku hanya merasa sangat kecil dan buruk. aku tidak mau terlihat.

dengan tugas yang menumpuk, kuis setiap minggu, juga sambil menyusun skripsi, aku tidak sering merasakan sakit kepala. jadi aku pikir aku baik baik saja sejauh ini. sampai aku menyadari keadaan tangan dan wajahku yang tiba-tiba amat kering, sampai skincare harga ratusan ribu itu pun tidak mengatasinya dengan baik. keadaan tanganku lebih buruk lagi, muncul bintik-bintik kecil berair yang amat gatal, berujung luka, dan memerah semuanya. menyentuh sesuatu pun perih, apalagi jika terkena air dan sabun. bintiknya semakin banyak di setiap ruas jari dan telapak tangan, semakin gatal, semakin perih. aku berpikir itu alergi, dan aku pergi ke dokter umum untuk meminta obat alergi, berhenti makan makanan yang bisa memicu, dan lain sebagainya. tapi keadaan tidak kunjung membaik.

di samping itu, aku sering merasa panik setiap mau berangkat kuliah, atau saat mengerjakan tugas. jantung berdegup lebih kencang dari biasanya, terkadang sampai kesulitan bernafas dan mual. ini anomali yang aku sadari. kemudian, dengan sedikit pengetahuan tentang mindfullness, aku mencoba beristirahat setidaknya lima menit. mengatur nafas, merasakan apa yang bisa aku sentuh, melihat sekitar, mencoba mendengar suara sekecil apapun. aku bertahan dengan melakukan hal itu. aku menyadari aku memang mengkhawatirkan banyak hal, bahkan yang sebenarnya tidak terjadi sekalipun.

tapi kondisi kulit tidak kunjung membaik. aku sering mengelupas kulitku sendiri tanpa sadar, dan sulit untuk berhenti, memperburuk keadaan. akhirnya aku memutuskan untuk pergi ke dokter kulit. dokter bilang, hal ini bisa terjadi karena allergen atau iritasi sabun. tapi aku tidak pernah alergi makanan selama ini, dan juga aku memakai sabun yang sama sudah bertahun-tahun. dokter bilang lagi bahwa karena imun yang menurun, bisa jadi lebih sensitif, tapi memang ini jarang sekali disebabkan oleh makanan. hal ini bisa disebabkan juga oleh stress dan pola hidup yang buruk.

setelah konsultasi itu, aku masih tidak mau berpikir bahwa aku stress. aku hanya berpikir bahwa kondisiku sedang sedikit tidak baik, dan aku bisa mengubahnya dengan mengatur makanan, berolahraga, dan tidur yang teratur. aku terus mengatakan itu pada diri sendiri karena aku tidak mau mengatakan bahwa aku stress. tapi usahaku untuk mengubah gaya hidup tidak maksimal, dan aku tetap kembali menyalahkan diri sendiri, dan aku menjadi lebih sensitif terhadap hal-hal kecil yang membuatku kesal, aku lebih mudah marah, tersinggung, dan menangis padahal aku merasa aku tidak sedang ingin menangis. aku sulit tidur, aku tiba-tiba menangis, apalagi ketika melihat langit-langit kamar dan teringat ayah sendiri.

aku merasa aku tidak pantas mengatakan kalau aku stress. aku membuat temanku khawatir sampai dia harus datang dan membersihkan kamar kosku yang berantakan. temanku selalu mengajak melihat sunset setiap sore, juga memastikan aku makan dengan baik. semua dosenku baik, tidak ada yang membuatku sulit. keluargaku semua mendukung, keadaan finansialku baik. aku memiliki teman-teman yang ada untukku setiap saat. aku tidak sendirian sama sekali. jadi aku merasa tidak pantas dan kurang bersyukur, tapi aku juga kesulitan mengendalikan diriku sendiri. ditambah, suatu hari salah satu temanku bilang, 'kamu merasa depresi karena kamu mengamini itu'. padahal dia tidak tahu betapa aku menolak untuk mengatakan aku depresi.

sedikit demi sedikit aku mencoba membuat diriku bahagia. aku pergi ke tempat yang aku inginkan, mencoba makanan yang aku inginkan, dan melupakan diet yang sering membuatku khawatir. aku mencoba lebih sabar dan sering tersenyum. aku meyakinkan diri sendiri dengan mengatakan 'semua akan baik baik saja saat semua ini selesai'. aku selalu percaya bahwa diriku sendiri yang bertanggung jawab atas semua yang aku rasakan, dan hanya aku sendiri yang bisa membuatku merasa lebih baik.

setelah aku melalui semester 7 bulan lalu, kondisiku benar-benar membaik bahkan jika aku tidak meminum obat. terkadang ada luka kecil atau iritasi, karena kulit yang masih sensitif, tapi secara keseluruhan semuanya sangat membaik. tapi, aku takut semester yang akan datang, hal ini akan terjadi lagi. aku yang panik atau kondisi kulit memburuk. aku ingin lebih bijaksana dan bisa mengendalikan diriku sendiri.

bahkan saat menulis ini, aku merasa sedikit menyalahkan diri sendiri karena bereaksi berlebihan dengan penderitaan yang tidak seberapa. aku merasa setiap orang menderita lebih buruk daripada aku. aku sering merasa aku melebih-lebihkan keadaan, dan aku jadi sering menyalahkan diri sendiri. tapi bagaimanapun, mungkin memang aku harus mengutarakan ini dan berdiskusi. jadi aku menulis dan membulatkan tekad untuk bertemu dengan psikolog. tulisannya akan aku update nanti setelah bertemu psikolog.

oh iya, aku menulis ini setelah melanjutkan buku 'i want to die, but i want to eat topokki'. aku merasa, mungkin memang seharusnya aku juga berdiskusi dengan professional untuk membantu mengidentifikasi dan mencegah hal ini terjadi kembali. yah, semoga aku beruntung.

[spaghettiandart]

I love your Peepaw Philip AU but I’ve got a few questions that might or might not have already been answered. (Hopefully they haven’t, I don’t like being a parrot!)

How is the Emperor’s Coven operating? Is the Boiling Isles coven system self-efficient enough without Belos manning the helm?

Is Hunter freaking out about his missing uncle and trying to find him or has he been coerced into a better health schedule by some of the coven scouts (ie Steve) and possibly Darius and Eber and Raine?

Speaking of RED (lol, my little nickname for the three rebellion coven heads), are they investigating Belos’s disappearance?

And my last question - how’s Philip’s interaction with King and Amity? Those two I haven’t seen and loved comics/art of his interacting with them yet and I’m curious how that would all go over.

Hello! Firstly I'd like to apologize for taking a while to reply, I've been a bit busy irl lol. Secondly, it's all cool! I'm always happy to answer questions, and these ones haven't been asked yet (im??pretty sure?? I dont have a good memory pfft) so it's all good haha.

A little warning, both for mention of death (just like off handedly, treated as a possible result of the emperor going splat out the window), and also I'm gonna ramble A LOT, so this will probably be... very, very long. And filled with my bad humor since I cannot control myself ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. It's been only a week, maybe less, since I came up with this au so I dont have many solid ideas in place. Everything is open to interpretation!

I've actually been thinking over how the Emperor's Coven, and by extension the coven heads and the boisling isles itself, would react to Belos' predicament. I've written out a few scenarios, roughly plotted out some scenes that would go down between characters, but nothing's really set in stone. Here's what I have so far, but I honestly encourage people to have their own interpretation of what would go down if they wished :)!

So. Belos' epic fail (real not fake) (coven scouts called) via falling out a window was obviously witnessed by some scouts down the hallway, either that or they heard a loudass noise coupled with the Emperor swearing which was totally Not Good. One of the images I'd planned to draw later but didnt get to was one where there was a coven scout (STEVE!!!), Lilith, and Hunter all staring out of the window.

Now on one hand, the coven could come to the conclusion that the Emperor is dead (because who the hell can survive a fall that high + if the emperor survived he "totally would have come back as soon as he could" = emperor is dead oh crap). Hunter would VEHEMENTLY deny this ("He can't! There's no way that could happen!" Followed by him having a rough time of it poor guy).

Either that or they come to the conclusion that this was a kidnapping attempt or soemthing of the like and Belos is missing, which is just as bad. Hunter is still suspicious about that, because /who the hell could be able to kidnap Belos/? Obviously not a human teenager. Cough.

Either way, Lilith, as the head of the emperor's coven at the time (since its early season 1, right before the convention episode too), has to deal with... a lot of things, including dealing with other coven heads, the emperor's coven, and just trying to get things in order in the chaos that came from the emperor's sudden and tragic "death". Still on the fence about if someone in particular takes over his role or if all the coven heads work together (poorly btw they're gonna fight a lot over it), as well as if the general populace is informed about him "peacefully passing away from old age" or his "sudden disappearance" or whatever.

Anyways shes working herself to the bone. Shes got eyebags for days, plus the added stress of the dude who /PROMISED/ to cure her sister of her curse just up and vanishing to who knows where, so shes. Having a rough time.

Hunter is, as I said, not doing well!! In his mind Belos has always been this sort of... untouchable figure, you know? Nobody could hurt him. Now hes missing, and since Belos is his only "family", Hunter is determined to find him, wherever he is.

So then I had this scene written down where Lilith, still wanting a cure for her sister (plus some other things she needs for the coven itself), and Hunter, wanting a clue about his uncle's whereabouts, both decide to. Uh. Break into Belos' quarters and pilfer his shit.

Does he even have quarters canonically? Its so weird thinking of this dude like... legitly sleeping. Like in a BED. Either that or he sleeps on his throne ahdhshava just imagine that. Hes sitting on his throne all day listening to people with his mask on and hes not responding because hes completely OUT behind that thing ahagdhs.

Okay side tangent over. Basically Hunter is sneaking down the hallway, all sneaky like, and he stops by the door. He reaches out to open it, but before he could it opens to reveal lilith, carrying several books that had probably been banned from the public, and they're both staring at eachother.

"I wont tell if you wont."

"Deal."

A few other notes I had detailed a scenario in which Lilith and Hunter either a) work together to carry out the Emperor's will while he's gone (or presumed deceased) or b) investigating into what occured due to their own interests, which eventually winds up with them uncovering the mountain of wtf that the Emperor had hidden. In my notes I wrote down about them potentially meeting the collector because I thought'd it be funny to draw their reactions to them. Fun!

(Also the collector has been around Belos for a while now, just kinda stuck in place. What the hell is he gonna do when the only contact they've had with another person- albeit not a GOOD one, not by a long shot- suddenly disappears???)

As for RED (THATS WHAT THAT MEANT!!! I SAW IT BEFORE IN A FEW FICS AND I WAS SO CONFUSED AHFHSGWGAH ANYWAYS-) they probably get involved later on with this whole mess. At this point of time Raine isnt a coven head- unfortanutely, but they only become one in season 2, and since its season 1 it's up to Darius and Eber instead. I do contemplate if, in this state of chaos, Raine is promoted earlier on so that theres more stability or something,,, idk. I'm still not sure ^^;

Goodness but. This kid. Hunter needs some people to make sure he doesnt wear himself down to the bone just scouring the isles. Imagine if he arrives in places to investigate like RIGHT after Phil leaves the place, both none the wiser. Gah.

Honestly though, I think if anyone would be able to coerce this kid into sleeping a full night's sleep, it'd be Steve. Hes not involved with all this conspiracy-investigatory-drama stuff like all of the other responsible adults in Hunter's life, and he has big brother energy.

Okay, onto King and Amity: I- uh, I'm still figuring things out with these two. Amity is Lilith's personal apprentice (I'm pretty sure? At this point in time at least), and the au begins before her character development really kicks off, so I dont think its until later when she gets to meet Phil and also experiences deja vu "hey your voice is super familiar?" like Eda and Lilith. Just like RED, I'm not sure what to do with Amity yet, unfortunately. I'm open to suggestions/ideas though! :)

As for King, Phil is like... you know cat trees/perches? Yeah. That's what Phil is to King. Hes like an adequate Grandpa, he has some responsible instincts, but hes kind of reserved to being King's personal perch when he wants to feel tall.

Somewhere in my notes I also wrote down the following:

"King and Phil are mysterious origins buddies

King: maybe you were also a malevolent and terrifying (though not as terrifying as me) ruler like I once was?

Phil: hm... no, I dont feel like I would have been a very good ruler"

It was for something I wanted to draw but,,, yet again, I didn't get around to doing lol.

I hope that answers your questions! If you have anything else you might like to ask, or suggestions or things you want to talk about, feel free!

Thank you for your ask!! :D

[astarionbae]

I guess it’s my turn to make a post regarding Maddie’s and their apology post, if THAT’S what you really want to call it. Shortened version of the long and incredibly gaslighting post, they explain that their mental health was the reason why they acted how they did and cast themselves as a victim without actually taking accountability for what they did. 

Plenty of us on here, in the oc community, have bad days and horrible mental health issues, but you never see us give into those urges and weaponize it against people. Especially ones who have their own problems and are forced to drop them in the sakes for Maddie. 

A majority of us who’ve been friends of theirs are getting angry and upset all over again, and it’s because we have accepted what happened and moved on together as a family. But now? We get this half-assed excuse for all the hurt Maddie had caused us with incoherent thoughts and we weren't given individual apologies for other things that they have done. It was solely based on OC Theft, Gatekeeping OC Ideas, and pretending to be two different people on Tumblr to receive gifts in giveaways or exchanges. 

However this is what their post had forgotten to mention: (+sensitive topics & receipts)

Expressing how they wanted to S*lf H*rm themselves on a daily and constant basis in the Discord because they had a terrible day at work which made many of us stay up late, trying to help them only for them to vanish halfway through conversation and pop up the next day in the server to act as if nothing ever happened

In regards to the previous point, Maddie constantly made us in the Discord group responsible for their mental health by telling us that we were the only ones that were grounding them from h*rting themselves and had us constantly checking up on them to make sure they were okay. 

Created a divide among the users in my own Discord Server and tried to make it their own. 

On top of that they chose who they wanted to associate with and once that was settled, it was as if you weren’t able to speak with anyone else in the group. (Five other members, not including me, felt this way as well as we spoke after the incident)

Members in the server felt uncomfortable that they couldn’t express themselves in fear that Maddie would be angry with them! (p1) (p2) 

Maddie never gave credit to edit(s) that were based off or inspired by others, and once you tried to ask them to tag the creator of the original post, their excuse was always, “Oh, I was already working on this type of edit, it’s just been in my drafts for a  long time and just now got around to posting it.” 

According to several users, myself included, we had bad experiences with Maddie that in normal conversation, they could always speak about things they disliked that we loved but the moment that we spoke about something we disliked that they loved, they’d shut down the friendliness and become passive aggressive.

^ one of the many receipts can be seen here (p1) (p2)

Maddie would toss traumatic events into character backstories without giving it the level of consideration that it really needed. Not handling it properly nor respectively, just using them as fodder just to make a character seem tragic. Which is really gross for people who actually have dealt with such things. 

Piggybacking off that ^, all of their age-gaped oc ships that they’ve created for no reason other than to make others uncomfortable and to ‘express” their own trauma.

They had over 10 (TEN) ships with age gaps, and the one that felt the most predatory was their 13 year old GOT OC (FC: Mackenzie Foy) and Robb Stark (Richard Madden). They literally used Mackenzie content from when she was only 17 when when Richard was 27. 

They would also tell everyone to tag triggering themes for their tumblr posts so they could be filtered out for them but almost never tagged their own posts that held such themes. Hypocrisy at it’s finest, kids! 

That inconsiderate and disgusting remark that they made about my late friend and oc creator Lizzie. Something I’ll never forgive Maddie for, but still deserve an actual apology for because shit that was NOT okay! (If you need a reminder, here)

There was much more but those are the main things that should’ve been discussed in that post. As I said many of us who had been friends of Maddie’s, actually no—Not even friends. Friends wouldn’t do that. We were mascots; the cheerleaders. We became their outlet and sole dependency on happiness, amusement, friendship, acceptance, and dare I say, likeability. 

We were manipulated, gaslighted, guilt-tripped, and gatekept all for their benefit. Period. 

Reader, if you happen to share this post with Maddie, be my guest! Or want to be a hateful anon and send me hateful messages, fire away! Your damage won’t measure up to what Maddie had caused me and my friends for years. 

Maddie’s apology wasn’t an apology, it was just a massive text to say “Hey, this happened” and ended with “I can’t undo what has been done because I was in a bad place”. 

We aren’t fooled by it: (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) 

To end this post, I’d like to post a message that was sent through my Discord last month, September 1st, 2022. Forty-two days before Maddie came back to Tumblr and posted. 

This is where we’re all at, and this is where we’re going to stay. 

[phantomrose96]

cursed as it sounds I just discovered a Breach of Trust here recently and it's kinda left me in shock, it's just so, so incredible! I can't believe I missed out on such a huge and awesome part of this fandom!! I've enjoyed every single chapter and I just wanted to let you know how incredible you are!! also I was just wondering (and I apologize if anyone else has already asked this) but is there any specific reason you decided to start writing it again after your hiatus? Or was it just curiosity?

(ABoT)

Ahhh!!!! (。・ω・。) Thank you!!

As for specific reason I started writing again, honestly I never stopped wanting to write it. I go into more detail in my response to this ask, but the long and short of it is that ABoT got massive backlash on tumblr from a small group of people who were sick of hearing about it, and they stirred the backlash up into a huge aggressive thing. I pretty much vanished from tumblr for the 3 years after that. When I was here, it was mainly for silent reblogs, and pretty much no fic writing.

And it absolutely broke my heart because I really loved ABoT and wanted to see it through. But between the stress of its popularity and backlash I had to drop it. And when mp100 s2 aired, the hate campaign came back in full swing without me even doing anything, so I figured they just kind of won. That if I ever DID try to bring it back, my audience would be gone and the detractors would be waiting eagerly.

Fast forward to summer 2020, I got into the swing of trying to work on some stuff with myself. Like hey I'm stuck alone with just me now 24/7, may as well try to fix this bitch a little bit. (Okay so it wasn't quite that simple but) I was trying to cut ties with a bad habit that had been damaging my health for a long time and also had been taking up a lot of my mental and physical energy. So I now had this void I needed to stuff with positive things in order to not backslide and I guess in sort of a fit of self-compassion I was like "fuck it, actually, what do I have to lose???" and started drafting chapter 25 of ABoT.

Because I'd really never stopped planning it. Hell I had a few fresh jokes I'd come up with that were making me laugh, and a new album I was running to which really set the right mood for planning more of ABoT. And I just kinda worked up the courage to do it and deal with whatever backlash happened.

And what do you know! No backlash! Because the ring leaders had gone elsewhere or self-destructed their friend group or both or either or I don't care, really. I brought ABoT off hiatus about a year and a half ago and in that time I've received like 2 or 3 snide anons. Because, if I may be blunt, ABoT and its contents were never the problem. These people were just fucking sick of seeing me. Rent free, something something, I dunno.

And now we're here! Closing in on the finale arc of ABoT. Only took 335,000 words and 5.5 years to get here. Absolute record time. Speedrun strats.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hello there. Was hoping for a little feedback on my experiences, if that is okay. As I don’t know what to think these days. If not, that is also fine. I realize this would probably be better said to a psych or therapist, but I’m quite afraid of going down that road. I began questioning if I was part of a system over a year ago. It took over my every thought. I would think in circles about it from the moment I woke up to moment I fell asleep. It would give me stress headaches. I did tons of research. There appeared to be noticeable switches. Though, I always remained conscious and more felt that I was taking a back seat to what was happening. I experienced no memory gaps during these supposed switches. Those who switched out would act quite different to myself and enjoyed different things. I’d record these switches on Simply Plural. I would experience the physical symptoms of switching. We had little to no communication. I would sometimes talk to who I thought was them and occasionally have inner dialogue with others who refused to identify themselves. I still do the latter. It’s difficult to tell if I’m actually talking to others or just myself, honestly. Was never able to establish a headspace, as hard as I tried. I do experience dissociation. Those around me, including other systems agree I’m a system. I’ve spent time in plural d/iscords and related to their experiences. But one day, it all just kind of vanished. No switching. No comms. Nothing. At least nothing noticeable. It’s been a few months now. I miss the system I thought I was part of. Is it possible it’s in the middle of a dormancy, or does it seem I was mistaken the whole time? Apologies for the text wall and thank you very much for your time. I wanted to provide as much detail as I could think of.

hey! here’s our feedback and advice:

bring this up to a therapist.

even if they’re not a dissociation specialist, they can still help you figure out what’s going on, or maybe refer you to someone who can help you best. why are you afraid to go down the road of bringing this up to a mental health professional? here’s some facts about therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists:

- they are bound by confidentiality agreements. by law they are required to not disclose anything you tell them to an outside party unless you’re threatening to harm yourself or someone else.

- the goal of a mental health professional is to help you improve your mental health. they want to help you, and will likely be more than willing to work with you to understand what’s going on in your mind in a safe, healthy environment.

- it’s true that malpractice happens sometimes. but you have the power to walk out of any session if you’re not feeling heard and respected. it’s okay to go through 3, 5, or 10 therapists while you’re finding one that works for you.

- mental health professionals are people, just like you and me (although to be fair i’m not a human, but i’m still a person!). they may make mistakes, but in general they will genuinely have your best interests at heart.

i say all this because it sounds like you could be struggling. we relate a lot to what you’ve written here, and therapy has been a godsend for us. therapy is the only reason we have decent communication, with coping skills and general knowledge about our system that make living each day a bit more bearable.

many systems go through phases of heavy activity and phases of silence. we used to have that too, and it certainly could happen again. thats not an indicator that you’re faking - it’s an indicator that you’re going through something stressful, are encountering dissociative barriers, or something else may be going on. a mental health professional will absolutely be able to help you figure this out and reach out again to your system.

best of luck to you. we wish you well and hope you’ll be able to receive the help you need! i am always more than happy to discuss therapists, therapy, and finding mental healthcare in more detail. i can also help you figure out insurance, find payment plans, and help in other ways to make sure you’ll be able to afford your care. this is my special interest and the line of work i’d like our system to pursue in the future, after all!

🐢 kip

(posted by 🌸 Margo and 🖋 Cecil. It looks like Kip had finished this so we’re posting it now!)

[aomineavenue]

Summary: Six years ago, L/N Y/N wouldn’t exactly say that she loves her life. It had always been problematic but her best friend, Miya Atsumu, since she was eight when she moved to Hyōgo, has always been there for her, and she wouldn’t change it for the world. However, things would always fall apart for her ever since, so she should have expected of such. Running away from her problems seemed like the easiest route to take at the time, so what happens when the past comes barging back into her life demanding answers? Will she be able to confront her demons?

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x f!Reader

Genre: Angst, ANGST I LOVE ANGST, a lil bit of fluff here and there.

Warnings: Language, etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters except for the reader and my ideas. I do not claim any images used for content in this fic, everything goes out to their respective creators unless it is mentioned that it is mine.

Status: completed. | series masterlist

↩ at peace | dearest daddy

mia speaks!: 

okay, wow. So it took awhile for us to get here and I apologize for that but we’re finally done with Homesick, wew. It’s been a challenge but I’m so happy and grateful for all the positivity you guys have been sharing with me. Also, thank you so much for your patience. 

It’s been an emotional ride but we’re finally done. There may be a few short stories after this chapter but no promises. Hopefully I get the chance to though, I do want to be able to. But for now, if you guys have any requests for imagines/scenarios with this series, don’t be afraid to send them over!

Also, big thanks to @oii-sugasan​ and @sunshinesero​ for beta-reading this for me! I apologize if this chapter is any way lacking compared to the first nine chapters, it’s been awhile since I wrote anything so I hope this was a great way to end this series. 

I love you guys so much, I’m so glad to be (sorta) back. I hope you guys enjoy this!

Time was a funny and fickle thing. Sometimes there was never enough of it, and other times it stretched out endlessly. It had been seven months since your life had once again made drastic changes. It often surprised you how time flew by so fast.

Seven months since your two precious boys had been introduced to the man that they now call their father. And well, seven months since you had been reunited with the love of your life. Sure, it had ups and downs, it wasn’t bound to be perfect since the two of you were your own person. It was inevitable for such different personalities to clash, it didn’t help when there were two children present, one of them being as handful as their own father.

Atsumu had shown that he was a doting father, despite only being a part of their lives for less than a year, he had put his new family as his top priority, wanting to make up for lost time. He would instantly drop anything and everything, sometimes even volleyball when he could for times when his family needed him. Not that his new family had been a burden since then, his sons and of course you, have been nothing but loving and supportive. Showing up to games to cheer him on and the twins attending his training to either join or just watch their father and new favorite uncles.

It had been a rollercoaster ride since it was officially announced that Atsumu was off the market and that he actually had sons. Some fans were supportive, believing the news and claiming that both the young twins were striking replicas of the volleyball player. And of course, there were fans that were against it, raging how you were nothing more than a money-grabbing harlot and that you had probably lied to Atsumu about the twins being his.

They were quickly shut down, of course, by not just fans but various people close to the volleyball setter who defended you without you even asking for it. You weren’t going to lie, that particular month filled with venomous words thrown your direction stressed you out but it was mostly because of your motherly instincts, wanting to keep your sons away from such unnecessary drama. You and Atsumu had decided to ignore the majority of the vile comments but seeing you so emotionally exhausted had only fueled the already tiny flame in Atsumu. He was quick to announce that he would no longer tolerate any form of slander towards his family and would handle things legally if anyone were to step out of line.

And by the next few weeks, the hate simmered and the stress that had engulfed you and Atsumu in its grip had vanished. All that was left that made you both worry was Atsuhiro’s health.

Fortunately, Atsuhiro’s sickness didn’t grow worse as time passed by since his first transfusion. If anything, the boy was healthier and it was very much evident in his features. The healthy glow returned to his skin, he was smiling more and had shown his usual energetic-self like before he had fallen ill. Atsumu on the other hand, much to Atsuhiro’s dismay, had started becoming such an overprotective father. It took a lot of begging from Atsuhiko for their father to spend the day outside of the protective bubble of your apartment.

It took time and patience from everyone’s side to get this far, and for Atsumu, (and of course, you) he didn’t mind it one bit. He had grown more mature, despite his twin brother’s disagreements, he not only took care of himself more but he had become a role model to his sons.

Not only that, but as his relationship with his sons grew stronger, the love the two of you had for each other only seemed to intensify as well. Sure, the two of you had ups and downs back then in your friendship but it was as if time and distance hadn’t kept the two of you apart. If anything, it was as if it made your bond stronger. Two best friends, reuniting and finally expressing their true desires, it was easy for the two of you to fall into a comfortable routine.

“Where are the boys of the hour? I’ve been wanting to see how good Hiko looks in my jersey!”

Bokuto interrupts your thoughts for a brief second before you return your focus to your duties of cutting up the vegetables in the kitchen. You can’t help but chuckle at the sour expression that graces Atsumu’s expression as he fills a tray of refreshments on one of the island counters. “Don’t remind me, Bo-kun.”

“You’re just jealous that your sons didn’t want to wear your jersey," he teases, a playful grin on his lips as he lifts himself off of the ground by his hands to sit on the counter.

The scowl on Atsumu's face only deepens at the reminder, "Get off the counter, Bo-kun. Don't be rude. Why don't you actually start to help and give out these refreshments to the guests?"

You watch in amusement as the two exchange their usual banter around the kitchen of your home in Hyogo. It was decided a week ago after Atsuhiro's second transfusion was a success, that the twins would celebrate their birthday back at Hyogo instead of having the guests cramp up in your small apartment in Kanagawa.

It was also then decided by your sons what theme they would be having for their birthday. It was traditional for the twins to have their birthdays themed depending on their current interest. Lately, since the two were very fixated on volleyball due to their new favorite uncles and of course, their father, it was decided that they would be having a volleyball themed birthday where the guests were required to wear their favorite player's jersey.

For a minute, your new friend Bokuto had been rather excited upon hearing the idea.

"So show up with our own jerseys? Great!"

And as for Atsumu, he was excited at the prospect of seeing his own sons wearing his jersey. That is, until his sons destroyed such dreams.

"Are the two of you really sure?" you hear Atsumu's voice echoing from the twins' bedroom throughout the walls of the apartment as you stepped inside, shutting the door behind you as you ventured further into the comforts of your home. “Like really? Those are your choices?”

You grew curious as you slipped out of your shoes and let your hair loose from its tight bun, wincing slightly from your tugging. There was a tinge of whininess dripping from Atsumu’s voice that you couldn’t help but wonder what the three of them were talking about. It wasn’t unusual for Atsumu to be around when you had to work on days where the boys came home from school or when they didn’t have school.

At most times, when Atsumu didn't have training, he would be the one taking care of the boys instead of your mother or Osamu. Majority of his free time away from volleyball was spent with his sons, wanting to make up for the time he had lost. And there wasn't a day where the young twins wouldn't ask about their father and if he was going to visit. It was as if they were scared one of them would disappear, wanting to spend the entirety of their lives together.

"Maybe we can go with superheroes this year!" Atsumu's voice grew louder as you reached the door to the room where they occupied. Leaning against the door's frame, your eyes land on the back of Atsumu's head as he's seated on the carpeted floor facing the twins who were playing with their action figures. A small grin curling upon your lips at the sight of Atsumu’s slightly dishevelled bleached hair.

Atsuhiro, who seems to have the ability to sense your presence, looks up from his toys and in an instant, his eyes widen happily. He was about to greet you but you quickly pressed your index finger against your lips to signal the little boy not to announce your presence just yet, wanting to see Atsuhiko and Atsumu's interaction. The smart little boy that he is, nods and returns to his toys.

"But daddy," Atsuhiko protests, his focus still on the action figures in his hands, "We did superheroes last year! I wanna wear Uncle Bo's jersey!"

You fight the urge to burst out into a fit of giggles as soon as you catch a glimpse of Atsumu slumping his shoulders dejectedly. Now you understand as to why he had his moppy voice on. "But don't you want to wear daddy's jersey for your birthday?"

"But daddy," Atsuhiko lets out a sigh, looking up at his father with a look that meant the little boy wasn't up for any arguments on the matter, "Uncle Bo is the best! So I wanna wear his jersey!"

You could have sworn you heard Atsumu whine, suddenly wishing you had decided to film this from the start. "But it will make daddy really happy if you wear his jersey!"

Atsuhiko shakes his head as he continues to play with his action figures, "But I want Uncle Bo and I to match!"

Atsumu sighs in defeat before turning his attention over to Atsuhiro, looking hopeful. "What about you, Hiro? Would you wear daddy's jersey?"

"No, daddy. I wanna wear Kageyama-san's jersey," he nods with a proud smile, "Wanna be just like him! He's so good!"

"But daddy's just as good a setter as Tobio-kun!" Atsumu cries out, throwing his hands up in the air, "betrayed by my own children. 'Samu isn't going to let me live this down."

This time, you let your presence be known by finally releasing a bubble of laughter. Atsuhiko instantly drops his action figures and rushes over with a happy squeal. Atsumu pivots his body, looking up at you with such a pitiful gaze as he juts his lower lips out ot a pout, "I want new children."

Needless to say, Atsumu had been pouty ever since and has been dreading today due to the reason that every single one of his friends had found out about it. He had tried a handful of times to change their minds, unfortunately, the young twins won't budge.

“It’s not my fault your kids like me better than you,” he huffs, folding his arms across his chest, “I am an ordinary ace after all!”

A scowl graces on Atsumu’s features which causes the other occupants in the room to chuckle in amusement. It wasn’t as if Atsumu didn’t like the idea of his sons becoming close to his teammates, but lately, it was getting harder for the setter to share. “Get your own children!”

“Ah, about that...” Bokuto trails off with a nervous chuckle which causes everyone to fall silent and look at him in curiosity, “I actually will be getting my own child soon, I think.”

“You think?” you ask with an arched brow, “You can’t just think you’re having a child, Bokuto-san.”

Atsumu interjects, “And aren’t you in love with that best friend of yours? What happened to never being with anyone else but her?”

He waves his hand in the air dismissively with a frown etched on his lips, “Well, I can’t exactly be with her when she just got married.”

“You are so getting your ear torn off by the management when this news gets out,” Atsumu snickers, which he earns a smack to his shoulder from you. “Ow!”

You narrow your gaze at your boyfriend, completely unamused with his behavior. “Don't be dramatic, I didn't hit you that hard!" Letting out a huff as you wipe your hands on the apron you were wearing, "You aren’t helping Bokuto, ‘Tsumu.”

His lips curl up to a cheeky grin at the sight of your expression. He leans forward to nuzzle his nose against your cheek, your cheeks growing warm from the public display of affection. His heart swells from your reaction to his gesture, murmuring teasingly, “Sorry, darling.”

“Please, don’t make me barf.” Osamu interrupts with his features scrunched up in distaste from the interaction between you and his brother.

Atsumu sticks his tongue out at his brother who returns the gesture with a shake of his head. His arm snakes around your waist to pull you closer to his side as he returns his attention over to his teammate, “Well, is the woman making you marry her?”

“Making you pay for child support?” Osamu quickly adds.

Atsumu quips with a chuckle, “Threatening to expose your sins?”

You interrupt the two with a glare towards them, “Stop ganging up on him!”

Bokuto lets out a laugh as he begins helping your mother set up the desserts onto one of the trays to bring outside to the guests, “Nothing like that, she’s pretty chill and we’ve gotten pretty close lately. So we’re going to co-parent.”

“That’s very mature of you, Bokuto-kun.” your mother compliments him with a smile before patting his back.

He feels his cheeks grow warm from the compliment, his heart swelling with pride. “Thank you.”

“Maybe you’ll end up falling for her anyway,” Osamu teases with a smirk playing on his lips, leaning against one of the kitchen counters.

He shakes his head at the idea as his brows knit together, “Jess and I won’t fall in love.”

“Jess?” Atsumu blinks at the familiar name before his eyes widens at the realization, releasing his grip from your waist, “Jess, that journalist that you showed around town when she first visited Japan?”

Bokuto nods with a smile gracing his features, “Yeah, she’s pretty cool.”

“Maybe you’ll learn to love her in your own way through your child,” you suggest with a shrug of your shoulders as you began untying the apron you were wearing upon realizing what time it was.

Atsumu shakes his head and responds before Bokuto could utter a single word, “No, no. That’s impossible. Bo-kun’s heart belongs to his best friend.”

“Stop teasing him,” you scold your boyfriend with a shake of your head, handing over the apron you successfully took off, “make yourself useful and help out here in the kitchen,"

"Bu—"

Cutting him off with a stern glare as you lift a tray from one of the kitchen counters and handing it over to Bokuto, a small smile gracing your lips, "Don't mind him, Bo. Can you bring these to the backyard and help out if anyone else needs help? I think Reiji needs a hand setting up the bouncy castle,"

Retrieving the tray from your hands, his eyes lighting up from the excitement, "bouncy castle, you say?"

"That's for the kids, Bo-kun." Atsumu scoffs but soon lets his lips form into a pout when he had been ignored, turning his attention over to you once Bokuto slips out of the kitchen, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to check on the boys to see if they're ready for their big entrance," you muse with an amused grin. Of course, you knew what your sons had prepared for the big entrance that they insisted. Atsumu had pestered both you and the young twins since he had heard of their plan but as your sons refused to budge, you had feigned clueless, claiming that your sons had opted it to be a surprise.

Little did Atsumu know that you had helped your sons pull off such an idea.

"I don't get why they have to have a big entrance," he sighs, brows furrowing as he racks through his thoughts on what the surprise could be. It didn't help that he was both curious and excited at what his sons might pull off.

Osamu lets out a snort, rolling his eyes at his twin brother as a smirk curls upon his lips, "What do you mean? They're your kids."

"What does that even mean?" Atsumu scowls as he slips on the apron you had handed over, walking over to where your mother was situated to take over what you were doing.

You shake your head at the two bickering older twins and shoot a look of sympathy towards your mother that was going to be left with them in the kitchen before she waves you off. Your heart was swelling from happiness at how natural everything felt, despite the silly banter thrown around. It was home.

As you step into your childhood living room, you're hit with a nostalgic wave from the memories surrounding the whole area. Though it may be a mixture of good and bad memories, since you had come to terms that you were no longer running away from your past, you only feel comfort. You made your way through your childhood home over to the bedroom that had been renovated to the liking of your twin boys.

The mere thought of your boys growing to love the place where you had grown up yourself was enough to bring a smile to your face. You press your knuckles against the wooden door to signal your presence by knocking on it repeatedly, “Are you two ready?” you ask, your voice probably muffled on the other side. Your fingers wrap around the handle of the door and as you were about to twist and push it open, the door instantly snaps back shut with a loud thud. “Can’t-”

“No, mommy!” Atsuhiko screeched causing you to blink from both the surprised force and tone. Pressing your palms and ear against the door to hear what the commotion was all about, you frown upon hearing only their shuffling feet, “What are you two doing? Guests have arrived and your party will be starting soon,”

“We’re almost ready, mommy!” Atsuhiro assures you from the other side.

A chuckle escapes your lips at their antics as you decide to not interfere any further, “Alright you two, just be sure to be out in a few. You don’t want your daddy to come fetch you. It’ll ruin the surprise.”

“Okay mommy!” you heard Atsuhiko yell out, their excited muffled voices purely obvious from the other side that you couldn’t help but smile.

On the other hand, back in the kitchen, the father of your twins was having his own little dilemma back in the kitchen. It wasn’t as if he was uncomfortable being around your mother, but it was more like he felt he was still lacking.

Despite him knowing that your mother and you hadn’t had the greatest relationship when your father passed away, he still wanted to be someone your mother would approve of. He didn’t know whether your mother knew the whole story of the relationship between the two of you but being away from you and your sons during most of their childhood was enough to make him worry. The mere idea of his sons looking up to him sent his heart soaring, but of course, he also wanted your mother to feel secure enough for him to be together with you and the twins.

“I’ll bring out these sliced up fruits outside,” Osamu cuts the clear tension surrounding the kitchen. Atsumu resists the urge to glare at his twin for leaving him behind with your mother, knowing full well that his brother knows his current insecurities. A small smirk graces Osamu’s features but not the obvious one that would make your mother notice.

Atsumu watches his twin slip out of the kitchen with a tray full of food for the guests before flickering his gaze over to your mother situated at the other side of the room, making final touches to the cupcakes. “Is there anything else that I can do?”

Without looking up, a smile etches on your mother’s face. “No, it’s fine. We’re just about done with everything.”

“It looks good,” he states with a nod of his head, not really knowing what to say.

Placing the piping bag to the side, your mother lifts her head up to look towards the direction of Atsumu and wipes her hands on the apron she’s currently wearing, “You know you can always start calling me mom.”

The mere sentence made Atsumu want to leap in excitement, but at the same time he was nervous, a sudden fear of messing things up engulfing him. “I don’t want to overste-”

“Oh please,” your mother waves her hand in the air with a light chuckle, “I’ve known you since you were eight. We’re practically family. So you might as well call me mom.”

Atsumu couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth tug up to a wide smile, “Alright, mom.”

“I’m really happy that the two of you decided to work things out,” your mother spoke with a smile as she delicately places the cupcakes on the cupcake stand.”

His feet shuffled across the room to help your mother stack the cupcakes onto the stand, “We had to for the kids anyway.”

Your mother hums in thought for a second before responding, “I think the kids were just the push the two of you needed. If anything, I’ve always thought the two of you would always end up together since the two of you always leaned on each other for anything.”

He nods his head slowly, leaning against the counter as he feels his heart swell with happiness. “I guess you’re right, mom. I did lean on her majority of the time when we were growing up. I guess I still am now. I just wish I could make her happy.”

“Don’t worry, you do. Before she left Hyogo, I know for a fact that she was miserable in this house after her dad had passed. You were the only one giving her a reason to move forward,” your mother spoke, sadness dripping from her voice.

A sigh escapes Atsumu’s lips as his features scrunch up to something that resembles pain. “I was also the reason why she left. I may be even the biggest reason why she left.”

Your mother extends an arm out and places a hand on Atsumu’s arm, trying her best to give assurance and comfort, “You weren’t the only reason behind that. I don’t know if she’s told you, but I had neglected her. I’m not proud of it and apologies are probably never enough for forgiveness. I was barely a mother when my husband had passed. I was almost an empty shell and instead of being a moth-”

“Mom,” Atsumu cuts her off and grabs hold of her hand in his own, “Don’t blame yourself. She loves you very much. It’s all in the past. We’ll be able to move forward, we already are.”

The two were interrupted with Osamu’s arrival, knocking by the kitchen’s door frame to announce his return. A smile etched on his lips at the scene before him, “Hey, Y/N wants everyone in the living room. Apparently the boys are ready to make their big entrance.”

Your mother excuses herself as soon as she removes the apron tied around her, excitement clearly evident in her features. Atsumu knew it well, despite the relationship that you had been slowly rebuilding with your mother, she was just as excited as him to have the twins into her life. She has equally doted on, if not more, on the twins ever since and well, Atsumu wouldn’t have it any other way.

Atsumu knew for a fact that you adored the time you’ve been sharing with your mother. As long as you were happy, nothing else mattered.

Osamu gives him a pat on the back, arching a brow in curiosity as they make their way out of the kitchen, “Everything alright?”

Atsumu gives him a nod, giving him the largest grin that he could muster. “Yeah, definitely.”

“You look disgusting,” Osamu jokes, pretending to shudder which causes Atsumu to give him a shove as they step into the living room where most of the guests have already gathered.

“Hey ‘tsumu!” Bokuto calls out from next to you as soon as Atsumu comes into view. “Hurry up! I’m excited to see Hiko in my jersey!”

Atsumu rolls his eyes as he approaches, grumbling to himself. As soon as he reaches your side, he places a quick kiss to your temple before snaking an arm around your waist to pull you closer. “Yeah, yeah. You have to stop rubbing it in. We get it.”

You couldn’t help but let a laugh escape your lips as you lean yourself into Atsumu’s warmth, “Oh come on now you two, focus on the big entrance will you?”

Bokuto just snickers from the side while Atsumu sends him a glare. If you were to describe the two of them, they were practically acting like petty children but you know those two will eventually switch attitudes as soon as your twins step out to make their entrance.

You flicker your gaze over to Osamu who was situated a few steps ahead from your little group, trying his best to act natural with his phone up. The two of you had discussed prior to the party that he would be the one to film the whole thing going on. Your little boys had practically begged their uncle to film their big entrance but mostly, what you hoped Osamu to capture was Atsumu’s reaction.

A part of you expects that he would be a grinning mess at the sight of his kids but also, you’re also hoping he’d be speechless from all the teasing his kids put him through of having to wear someone else’s jersey.

“What’s taking them so long?” Atsumu asks, tilting his head slightly hoping to meet your eyes as his fingers play with the hem of your shirt.

As you were about to answer him, the familiar voices of your two boys echo throughout the room from the top of the stairs. You didn’t even have to look to know about their surprise since you know very well of what they had planned. Well, obviously, you had helped them out with picking up the jerseys that they were going to wear.

However, you had wanted to capture Atsumu’s reaction to your boys with your own two eyes instead of just watching it from a video. And honestly speaking, you didn’t think you’d fall in love with this man any more than you already do but here you are.

Just the mere sight of his features scrunching up to a look of awe was enough for your heart to swell. It looked as if he was close to tears as watches the twins descend the stairs with the prodest smiles they could muster.

You pry yourself away from his side as soon as the twins approach Atsumu, knowing full well what was going to happen as they had practiced what they were going to say. Flickering your gaze over to Atsuhiko and Atsuhiro, seeing them in Atsumu’s high school volleyball jersey made your own eyes water despite the fact that you were the ones who had gotten them the uniform a week ago.

“Wh-What are you guys wearing?” Atsumu almost chokes out his words, “What happened to the jerseys that we bought that you said you were going to wear?”

Atsuhiko throws his arms out in the air, smiling widely. “We changed daddy!”

“We wanna wear your jersey daddy,” Atushiro nods his head enthusiastically, lifting his hand up to grip onto Atsumu’s shirt.

Atsuhiko wraps his arms around Atsumu’s waist, “‘cause you’re our favorite volleyball player daddy!”

The scene itself was enough for everyone to watch in awe, a few of the guests that were invited had their own phones up to capture the moment with smiles on their faces, the others were almost practically in tears themselves, and well there was also Bokuto by the side with his pouty self at the realization that neither of his nephews were wearing his jersey like he thought they would. Atsumu on the other hand, had eventually dropped down to his knees and wrapped his arms around his two boys, burying his face in between them as he let out his own tears stream down his face from the overwhelming joy that coursed through him.

Yes, this is your family.

This is your home.

You stare out the window from the kitchen of your childhood home, a smile on your face at the beautiful afternoon of your backyard full with people you adore and have missed so much. 

The party was still in full swing despite the sun about to set, the laughter from the guests and a few children present rang in the air. Happiness had engulfed your heart and honestly, you had trouble believing it yourself but here you were. 

You wouldn’t trade this for anything. 

An arm snakes around your waist from behind and you would have been startled if you hadn’t felt Atsumu’s presence a minute ago. Despite not having seen each other in years, everything about him was still familiar. Sure, there were a few things about him that you didn’t know but that didn’t mean that he still wasn’t your Atsumu that you’ve grown to love. 

“Thank you,” he whispers as he nuzzles his nose into your hair, a smile playing on his lips. 

You place your hands atop of his and lean yourself back into his warmth, your brows furrowing in confusion. “What are you thanking me for?” 

“For everything,” he lets out a sigh, causing a shiver to run down your spine from the heat radiating from his breath close to your ear, “For giving me two amazing boys and for existing yourself.” 

Pivoting your body around so that you were facing Atsumu, your hands settling on his chest as you look up at him with your lips curling up to an assuring smile, “Thank you.” 

“And what for?” Atsumu questions, matching your own smile with his own as his hands cup your face. He lowers his head slowly, nudging your nose with his own as the pads of his thumbs brush delicately against your skin. 

Heat spreads across your cheeks at his gestures, feeling shy yourself but despite that, the majority of what you felt was only comfort in being in his arms. “For loving me as much as I love you.” 

He hums in response, placing a quick kiss to your lips. “No, I probably do love you more. More than you can imagine.” 

Before you could respond, he places his lips back firmly on yours and your eyelids flutter shut as if on instinct. The hands of yours that were resting on his chest eventually found their way around his torso to pull him close. Tilting your head to the side, the kiss itself deepens as he runs his fingers through your hair. 

It just felt so natural being with him.

Before the kiss could grow more heated however, a loud yell from outside had interrupted the both of you causing you to pull away much to both of your dismay. Your heads turn towards the direction of the commotion, the bouncy castle coming into view.

Or rather, the depleting bouncy castle with Bokuto and Hinata coming out hastily in laughter. 

You shake your head at the scene, a bubble of laughter leaving your lips before turning your head back over to look at the man before you. Just when you had decided to pull back and return to your duties of being a mother, he wraps his arms back around your waist to pull you back against him. Another laugh escapes your lips as you playfully slap his chest, “What now? We have a party going on, we have to entertain our gue-” 

“Move in with me,” he interrupts, his features showing nothing but seriousness. 

You meet his sincere gaze with your own and your heart makes a leap out of joy. There was only one answer you could possibly give. 

“Yes.”

[tsunonotarou]

— I’ll Be Number One

Azul + I’ll Be Number One (perhaps? and happy —almost as I send this— anniversary!!! always wishing you the very best! 💖)

notes: Thank you love <3 though I have to apologize, because I’m having angst as a start to this event :D

A relationship with Azul was hard, to say the least. You were aware of this and you were ready for it. You’ve prepared yourself to stick with him through thick and thin like how lovers should, and it did went well, things went well.

You didn’t realize how tired you actually were.

With his obsession for being the best in everything, it was suffocating to see him overwork himself and discarding his own health to the side, working day and night, spending hours after hours at his desk with furrowed brows.

And this has happened far too many times, but you’ve always stayed. In these times, he needed you the most, you couldn’t bear to leave, you wouldn’t. You choose to stay by his side, giving him all the support he needs.

It only took one sentence in the heat of the moment to shatter everything you’ve worked hard for.

Perhaps you were the one at fault here? Talked too much? Too annoying? Nagged too much?

“Please,” Azul scoffed, flipping through papers hastily and clicking his tongue when he haven’t found the one he wanted. “Even without you, I’d be fine. Actually, better.”

Stunned by his words, you remain frozen at his side. Fingers clenching then unclench, unsure of what to do, how to react. Finally, reality settled in and an accidental, strangled sob left your throat.

You turned, forcing your trembling legs to quickly exit the room before you collapse with all these overwhelming emotions and embarrass yourself further.

He probably thinks you’re pathetic.

You rushed past Jade who happens to enter at this horrible timing, and you could already feel his slightly widened eyes at your outburst and why you wouldn’t lift your head.

Your presence vanished from the room, leaving only an uncomfortable silence before Jade shuts the door with a click.

“Azul,” the gentleman’s hands folded in front of himself, expression as neutral as ever, unreadable. “What happened?”

The dorm leader stayed quiet for a few seconds before returning to his tasks at hand, opening drawers here and there, stacking contracts one on another, Jade felt as if he’s trying to distract himself from whatever that’s happened.

“Nothing of importance.” Finally regaining his composure, Azul’s back straightened as he fixes his glasses. “I’ll be number one.”

“I will let no one stand in my way.”

last note: I barely write for Azul hope this was at least decent *starts breakdancing*

[thedistantdusk]

Arcadia, Chapter 1

My submission for the 2021 Hinny birthday challenge for the HG discord! Thanks to Liza for organizing, to @accio-broom for the Brit-pick, to @secretkeeper13 for the beta, and to anyone else who helped (I'm probably forgetting a few folks, apologies).

The challenge theme this year was content based on TV! This is an (extremely loose) X-Files AU, but you absolutely don’t need to be familiar with X-Files to understand this :D

TW (spoilers): swearing, references to (severe) mental health concerns, (eventual) consensual relations

___________________________________________________________

D A Y  + O N E

The woman probably finds herself charming as she stands in their driveway, her hands clasped in frozen excitement.

But Ginny just finds her creepy.

Really fucking creepy.

Harry drops hired car into first gear as they pull in. This woman— the head of the village council, Ginny reckons, the one she spoke to on the phone— wears perfectly-pleated Chino pants with a lavender jumper draped across her shoulders.

Her attire is standard for a posh village… especially a new-build village, one with a covenant and loads of stupid rules. It’s the woman’s eerie, opened-mouthed grin that shoots a chill up Ginny’s spine.

Her stark white teeth glint in the sun, but her smile doesn’t move an inch… and the longer Ginny stares, the more unsettled she grows. The only thing larger than her grin is the mane of yellow hair that surrounds her face like an ersatz halo.

Harry clears his throat as he turns off the car; Ginny realizes this is the first sound either of them has made since leaving London.

Awkward.

She reaches for her door handle, but the random woman gets to it first.

“You must be Jenny and Henry!” she shrieks, yanking on Ginny’s shoulders before she’s even unbuckled. “Oh, sorry! Love, do let me get the strap!”

Ginny’s on her feet and pressed to the stranger’s perfumed bosom before she has a chance to tell her she can manage just fine herself, thanks.

“Lovely to meet you in person!” the woman cries, nearly shaking with enthusiasm. It’s not until Ginny’s returned a weak squeeze that the vice-like grip around her middle weakens.

Rubbing her aching shoulder, she sneaks a glimpse at Harry; while she fought for air, he apparently climbed out of the car, only to stare at the two of them like a deer in the headlights. Now his elbow’s at an awkward angle, his hand behind his back, which could only mean one thing: he’s reaching for the wand in his back pocket.

Shit.

Ginny shakes her head and hopes her eyes convey what her lips can’t: She’s just a standard Muggle weirdo. Relax.

“I’m Jane. Jane Connors. In the flesh!” The woman (whose voice Ginny now finds painfully familiar) throws her hands in the air and twirls on the spot. “I take it you’re Jenny and Henry Petri!”

Harry interrupts with a booming chuckle before Ginny says a word; in three quick steps, he’s wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “That’s Pee-tri, actually. Like the dish,” Harry— Henry— adds with a wink. “And speaking of dish…” His eyes travel over Ginny, his voice going all deep and silky.

She bites back a shudder, hating the way her stomach drops as his fingers graze her arm. All that keeps her grounded is knowing the truth: Harry’s good at his job, nothing more. The only reason he’s suddenly become a skilled actor is that his career demands it.

Hers does too, she reminds herself firmly. And if she has any intention of successfully completing her first solo mission, she needs to get her shit together. Now.

Ginny blinks up at Harry, appropriately sobered; his eyes glimmer with mirth. As suspected, he’s only doing his job. Touch is just part of the assignment description. He has no way of knowing what it does to her— because really, truly, it shouldn’t.

And maybe if she keeps telling herself that, it’ll eventually come true.

Harry winks at Jane, tugging Ginny against his side. “My new wife and I had a long journey from the city! We were hoping to get some alone-time before tucking in, I’m sure you understand.”

Jane looks puzzled. “You— but it’s 5:43!” An uncomfortable giggle burbles from her lips. “You must be moved in by 6. Surely you’ve read the covenant rules?”

“Erm… may have missed that one,” Ginny lies. “There’s quite a few, see. We’re used to—”

But Jane shoves her fingers into her mouth, cutting her off with an ear-piercing whistle. Just as quickly, another chill races up Ginny’s spine. People up and down the street emerge from their semi-detached homes and race towards them, their faces in downcast unison.

They’ve all been watching. Waiting for the signal. Ready.

Ginny’s not sure how long ago the Department of Mysteries delivered the moving van and left it on the street, but the horde of random people aren’t fussed with the details, either. Within five seconds of Jane’s whistle, the strangers throw open the back door and begin an unloading process that reeks of military precision.

“Here’s the house key!” trills Jane, pulling it from her pocket. “Oh, and Petris!” She turns to Harry and Ginny, wagging her finger. “I’ll also need a copy of your car key, ASAP. We’re firm believers in the buddy system here in Arcadia.” She returns her attention to the stone-faced neighbors, who are now scurrying to the door. “This way, friends— right this way!”

“I— that’s really unnecessary,” Ginny says, bewildered, as people rush inside their new house, boxes in arms. “We’re perfectly able to—”

“Nonsense!” cries a man with grey sideburns as he takes a box from the back. “We’re neighborly here. You’d better get used to it.”

“Yes!” chimes another voice. A chubby man wearing a Polo and a golden necklace emerges from behind the lorry, hurrying up the walk. “We’re like a family here. We all— oh no!” He lets out a startled cry as a box labeled FINE CHINA topples from his arms and lands on the pavement with a thump.

He rushes towards it, face falling, but Ginny’s main concern is the box’s silent descent; she runs over, making a mental note to have a word with the designer of these props. Would something noisy and fragile have killed them? For fuck’s sake...

“Sorry,” the man says with a pained wince. “I’m just so clumsy. I-I promise, I’ll—”

“It’s fine,” Ginny soothes, dropping to her knees. “Don’t worry, really. We aren’t too big on dishes.”

Maybe if she keeps him talking, he won’t realize it’s bloody empty. Seriously, this is amateur shit. Luckily, he’s too distracted to notice.

The man offers a sheepish smile. “I’m Mike. Mike Snodgrass. You may have seen Mike and Jess in the resident guide, but erm…” He trails off, sadness in his voice.

Ginny cocks her head to feign confusion, but of course she’s familiar with Jess Snodgrass, 25, reported missing last November. Her photo’s been on Ginny’s desk for almost as long. Even now, Jess appears in Ginny’s mind with such startling clarity that she can almost see her beside Mike... all 5 feet of her, with curly red hair, bright blue eyes, and a lopsided grin.

Jess Snodgrass… Arcadia’s third missing person. The first to disrupt the couples-only disappearance pattern.

Mike shrugs. “But erm… it’s just me now,” he repeats. “I’m a primary teacher at Saint Julian’s, just up the road.” He nods to his left. “So if you’ve got any homework or school questions, give me a ring!” He pastes on a smile that doesn’t match his eyes; it’s an expression with which Ginny’s well-acquainted.

“I’ll have to remember that, Mike Snodgrass,” Ginny says, shaking his hand.

She immediately regrets it.

Seeing Mike Snodgrass on paper is one thing, but touch makes him human. His hand feels big and warm, his smile earnest and sweet; he reminds her so strongly of Neville that her stomach aches. Ginny breathes through her nose and focuses on the way his necklace — a medallion of Saint Julian, appropriately enough — sparkles in the sun.

“Like I said, I’m all alone,” Mike repeats, offering his hand to help her up. “If you ever need anything, Jenny, don’t hesitate to ask!”

Ginny taps her chin. “Actually, I do have a question! I reckon it’s just a rumor, though. You don’t have to confirm or deny.” She winks at him and leans in as a woman in a fleece jumper rushes past.

Mike’s smile widens, his face brightening… and ah fuck, that one hurts, because she’s about to break his heart.

“Mike…” Ginny murmurs, studying his expression. The more she says his name, the less he reminds her of Neville; she wants to keep it that way. “With everyone being so bloody hospitable here, how come there are so many disappearances?”

Mike stops bobbing. His smile vanishes as quickly as the former occupants of Jenny and Henry’s new home. When Ginny looks back into his eyes, her gut plummets with a sensation of wretched familiarity.

Because she expected sadness on his face… the same type she saw when he mentioned Jess’ name. Sadness she can deal with; sadness is painful, but she sees it all the time.

She sees something worse, though.

Fear.

And not day-to-day fear. This isn’t like hating needles or avoiding clown movies. Mike’s face is filled with the sort of wide-eyed, gripping, primal terror that seizes your insides in a vice. This is how you’d feel if your entire family were held captive in a dungeon, and a single word to the wrong person would spell their deaths.

Or how you’d feel if your ex-boyfriend were the corrupt government’s most desired fugitive… and you still fancied him very much, indeed.

“I… n-no idea,” Mike finally stutters, blinking. Then he sucks in a deep breath through his nose, his expression brightening again.

“So what do you and Henry do for work?” he asks in a booming voice, his grin now unnaturally wide. “We’ve got a carpool to the city if you’re interested. Reducing our carbon footprint is of utmost importance here in Arcadia!” He finishes by spreading his hands in each direction before placing them on his hips, that shit-eating grin still plastered across his face.

In another life, Ginny might’ve laughed. There certainly would have been a lot to cackle over, if she had the luxury of easy laughter. After all, she may as well be living in an am-dram nativity performance, complete with an overeager Joseph beckoning her to the stables after her harrowing desert journey.

Now, though, his reply only fills her with sad, professional detachment. Because fucking hell, how much did this poor man rehearse to get that line right?

She takes pity on him and snaps the bait. “My husband and I work from home,” she says, matching his volume. Someone’s clearly listening; it’s the least she can do. “You won’t see us out much.” Ginny brings the box to her hip. “And seriously, don’t worry about replacing the dishes, either. We mostly do takeaway.”

“No, let me bring you new ones,” Mike insists, his eyes pleading. “Tomorrow? Would that be—”

“What is this?” a voice demands from the back of the truck. Ginny peers around Mike’s shoulder. The man with the gray sideburns stares inside the lorry with a look of disgust.

“A trampoline!” Harry says, stepping aside as another neighbor races past. “We’re thrilled to put it in the garden, aren’t we, Jenny Cakes?”

Jenny Cakes. Is he fucking serious? Two can play at this game, prat.

“Indeed we are, Hen,” she croons, leaning into his side. “Jen and Hen.” She heaves a dreamy sigh and stares into his eyes. “We even rhyme!”

“Rhyming or not, this isn’t allowed,” the man barks, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’d have to apply for a special exemption with Mr Gogolak, but in the meantime…” He checks his watch. “5:53. Seven minutes. It’ll have to go in the garage tonight. I’m Oliver, by the way— Oliver Skinner.”

Harry gives him a theatrical scowl. “I’d say nice to meet you, but those who are enemies of trampolines are generally enemies of mine.”

Ginny bites the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing, but Oliver remains unamused. He raises his pointer finger as if to say something, but Harry gets there first.

“Onnnnly kidding!” Harry winks and claps his shoulder. “Hope we can be fast friends, Oliver.”

Oliver just glares back. “Count on it.”

_______________________________________________________

Ginny’s taking this whole thing very seriously. Not that Harry blames her.

Her voice echoes against the walls of the empty home as she paces around the sitting room, her camera flipped outward to record.

Despite his five-year Auror career, Harry has no real concept of what Unspeakables do. Which, he supposes, is by design. He knows they… know things. Secret things. Things you’d be happier not knowing. He also knows that Kingsley isn’t fond of them. Or perhaps it’s Attica Monkstanley, Ginny’s boss, who King dislikes in particular. Attica’s famous for her refusal to disclose anything — ever. This ranges from potential terrorist plots to her favorite type of sandwich. Thus, Attica isn’t particularly popular. After a career built on helping absolutely no one outside her department, the request for Auror backup on an undisclosed, top-secret endeavor went over about as well as a hippogriff stampede in a posh tea room.

Harry sighs at the blank walls of their would-be living room. King’s in charge now. Big in charge. He or Robards were the obvious choices to accompany Ginny — sorry, Unspeakable GW — on this mission, but when you’re Big In Charge, you call the shots. The shot King called was to pass the assignment to Robards, who in turn passed it to Harry; Robards decided he didn’t need to (direct quote) “take off a week from pre-existing assignments for some fake marriage, new-build village bullshit in the arse-end of Muggle nowhere.”

Admittedly, Harry’s in a bit of a lull at the moment. He’d been assigned to track and recover Yaxley, but that trail went cold on the border of Romania. Harry’s certain he’s just beyond their reach, maybe hiding in a cave, but seeing as how Harry’s not Big In Charge, his opinion doesn’t exactly matter.

Which is precisely how he’s found himself in this bland house in the village of Arcadia, pretending to be married to his ex-girlfriend… who, incidentally, he’s still hopelessly infatuated with, even five years after he ended things.

Because Harry Potter is nothing if not pathetic.

There’d been no realistic way to decline the assignment, though. Not that he’d tried. Seriously, imagine explaining that to your boss: “Mm yeah, sorry King, I can’t do my job because I still wank to the memory of Unspeakable GW riding my—”

Ginny’s narration jerks him from his thoughts. “It’s 6:15 PM on our first day of the assignment,” she dictates into her phone. “Auror Potter and I are secured in the home, posing as Muggle couple Jenny and Henry Petri.”

“Pee-tri!” Harry corrects, throwing his voice across the room.

He hopes he’s loud enough for the camera to detect, but he isn’t exactly brave enough to find out. Harry picks up their empty curry boxes and scampers into the kitchen without so much as a backward glimpse. He may have been forced into this assignment, but he’ll be damned if he can't have a bit of fun.

Her narration stops as he dips out of sight; if Harry were the gambling sort, he’d bet all the gold in Gringotts that she shot him a two-fingered salute away from the camera.

For some fucked up reason, the thought stirs something warm and exciting that lies dormant in his stomach. What’s worse is this feeling almost makes him smile.

No.

Harry draws a breath as he enters the kitchen.

As Kingsley’s told him several times, this arrangement is strictly business— regardless of his past with her. And in retrospect, yeah, the whole setup is an easy way for King to A) refuse responsibility himself, and B) put Monkstanley in a tough spot if it goes pear-shaped.

Harry pops open the rubbish bin. This is just the sort of liability King’s always looking to avoid, really, but— wait. He blinks down into the bin to make sure he’s not just seeing things, but nope… for some reason, the interior is divided into three sections, each in a different color.

Huh! Harry mulls this over before picking the blue bin at random and tossing the containers in. Maybe he’d know what each color meant if he bothered to read the covenant rules. Fortunately, he had much more exciting plans that particular evening involving Ron, loads of butterbeer, and a Canons/Falcons match from hell.

Whatever. Surely Arcadia would make an effort to clearly explain their recycling system if they really cared about the planet.

He returns to the living room just as Ginny’s providing a more in-depth introduction. “Right. I’m Unspeakable GW, badge number”— her voice becomes garbled gibberish, an extra level of concealment, before slipping back to normal speech— “and we’re here to investigate the series of unexplained Muggle disappearances in the village of Arcadia. As this may involve a potential escapee from the Thought Chamber, the Department thought it best for me to investigate. The Thought Chamber’s been my area of expertise for four years…”

Harry sinks into the sofa as she continues; he’s unsure if he should be sad or impressed that this is teaching him more about her job than she ever shared. Not that she did this for long while they were actually together, mind. Nonetheless, his chest flutters again with that stupid bittersweet pride as Ginny scans the room with the phone camera. All of this pageantry is necessary for her job, he knows. Careful documentation. Detailed recordings.

But for fuck’s sake, look at how much she’s done! She’s the youngest Junior Unspeakable in history, soon to become Senior, if this mission works out. She’s composed, she’s eloquent, she’s graceful. Another smile threatens to break through before Harry suppresses it; he just hopes that there’s someone in her life to remind her of how special she is.

She’s really dressed for the part, too. Harry’s certain that none of this is actually in her wardrobe. Seeing her out of jeans and a jumper is off-putting, but she’s done it so damn well. She once told him that most of her clothing choices were based on how easily she could wear them flying.

He swallows the sadness creeping up his throat. He doesn’t even know if she still flies, but she doesn’t in this outfit, that’s for damn sure. Her trainers are impeccably white, with a floral button-up blouse done up to her neck. She’s a bit like a young, beautiful Aunt Petunia; Harry reckons this is more or less the goal, but when she turns around to describe the stairwell, his eyes drop to her arse.

Shit.

He glances away as quickly, but he got a good look. Her casual trousers are rolled at the ankles, but they’ve done nothing to make her look… plain. Harry shuffles on the sofa, desperate for anything else to think about. Somehow, Aunt Petunia’s face still puckers in his mind’s eye, but now he can’t escape the mental image of her bent over the oven of 4 Privet Drive, only this time sporting a round, perfect—

“Potter’s here for backup,” Ginny says, returning to the sitting room. “I’m on primary investigation.”

Thank God; he sighs at the welcome distraction before remembering that bantering with her has always been an effective palate cleanser. So he does that, instead.

“Well, you know what they say,” Harry calls, leaning back against the cushions. “There’s nothing less interesting than the suburbs. Which is why I could never do your job, Jen.” He ends with a wink, resting his hands behind his head.

Ginny arches a brow, holding the camera in front of her. “And please take note, Attica, that the next time this happens, I’ll be the one to choose the names.”

She means it casually… he knows she means it casually. But something in her words pricks him. Irritates him. Wedges beneath his skin.

“Quite an assumption I’ll ever spend this much time with you again,” Harry mutters under his breath.

Shit.

He freezes. He didn’t mean to say that out loud, at least not so… bitterly. Once upon a time, he possessed the social graces to think before replying like that— but days of interpersonal nuance are long gone. They belonged to a carefree teenager with few thoughts aside from the next time he’d run his fingers through the thick, red hair that currently swayed in a long ponytail.

By the time he looks back up at her, Ginny’s face is filled with disappointment. And she’s closed her phone.

“I’ll have to redo that last bit of filming,” she says with a sniff. “But for what it’s worth?” She raises her chin. “You didn’t mind spending time with me in the distant, distant past, Auror Potter.”

Ha!

That was a tremendous understatement.

He’d been in love with her. Stupidly. Disgustingly. The first six months after the war were a blur of sex and mourning. They’d been so punch drunk and delirious that they probably used each other’s bodies more than either of them knew. He really thought they’d have a future, though… that they’d end up getting married and buying a house. Except theirs would have been different than this one. Filled with far more character and history and warmth. Their home would have smelled like baking bread and sounded like kids giggling and felt like a soft blanket on a cold night.

But none of that had anything to do with the way he snapped. So why bring it up, really?

“Sorry,” Harry whispers, tucking his hands beneath his bum. “That… I didn’t mean. I’m sorry. I just meant that we don’t see each other much, and…” He lets out a slow breath. Best to stop talking before he digs himself deeper.

“I forgive you,” Ginny says quietly. A full second passes before she offers him a smirk. “As long as I can still call you Pookie Pie in front of the neighbors.”

Harry blinks at the carpet with a sad smile. “Deal.”

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: Honestly Ben

Author: Bill Konigsberg

Genre: YA Fiction | Romance | Friendship | Drama | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Homophobia

Overall Rating: 9.1/10

Personal Opinion: Openly Straight’s ending, while adequate, still left a lot to be desired. Mostly, in the Ben front. So this book, centered around Ben immediately after the events of the first book, feels like a gift. It’s funny and wholesome and if you already loved how sweet Ben is in the original book, then you’ll absolutely adore him here.

Couple Classification: Seamus Rafael Goldberg X Ben Carver = Nerd/Jock X Nerd/Jock

Do I Own This Book? Yup. I remember the day I found out about the sequel, I purchased it online and had to read it immediately.

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- Ben, sweet fucking Ben. He really is Magenta and the way everyone else saw it but him is so special to me. He’s such a good person and people just naturally like him because of that. Rafe, Hannah, Toby, his teachers, and even Steve. He works so hard to be where he is and he does so while also being fundamentally honest and genuinely kind to others. That’s the kind of king behavior that I can get behind.

- Something that truly makes my respect for Ben soar is his speech after receiving the Pappas Award. He decided to tell the truth about his cheating but also, he told the truth about Peter Pappas. That takes a lot of courage and the fact that he admitted to loving Rafe and then holding Rafe’s hand on campus in front of everyone, that boy is braver and stronger than he knows and I love that.

- I also can’t forget when Toby came out as genderfluid and while the baseball team was all being douches, he went up to hug Toby in the middle of the cafeteria. That scene almost made me tear up. Toby truly deserves that support and it made me so happy when Ben called him brave in his speech.

- Yet more scenes that made me respect Ben more is when he owned up to his mistakes. When he apologized to Rafe for writing, “Alcohol is bad for me. Rafe = Alcohol” on Rafe’s note. Or when he apologized to Hannah for accidentally leading her on and putting her through all that confusion and anger. Or again, when he exposed himself for cheating (on a test). I cannot stress enough just how good of a person Ben is. And I think it’s amazing because he was raised by such a shit dad.

- Rafe rubbed me the wrong way in a lot of scenes but he also did good here and there. Nursing Ben back to health when he got food poisoning even after reading that note was sweet of him. Trying to be friends with Ben even when it hurt to see Ben moving on was respectable. And like before, I adore all of their conversations. They talk on such a deep level that it’s really no wonder they fell in love.

- The most romantic scene for me though was when Ben took Rafe away from the dance. He saw Rafe being depressed at the bleachers and he decided to cheer him up. They went to the beach and they screamed at the ocean and Ben tackled Rafe to the sand in a dumb game that only they (and Toby and Albie) understood. Ben was so stressed throughout the book that every time I saw him having fun with Rafe, Toby, and/or Albie, it just made my heart soar.

- I love Rafe’s parents too. As I said before. They’re so dorky and hilarious and I love that they were about to adopt Ben if he had nowhere else to go.

- I love how the story began and ended the same way. With a swimming lesson. Except instead of wanting to vanish like in the beginning, Ben saved himself.

Dislikes:

- Fuck Tommy Mendenhall. I did not think there could be someone worse that Steve and Zack but this dude is out here hazing the freshmen by humiliating them and also making rape jokes. If I could decapitate him, I would.

- I kind of wish we saw how the baseball team reacted to Ben and Rafe being together. How many saw this coming? How many are shocked? How do they feel about their captain being not so straight? Where is Robinson and how does he feel about any of this seeing as he is actually gay and a jock? I know Robinson probably hurt Toby but I so wish I knew what was going on with him. Last we saw, he was the target of homophobic comments from Steve and Zack, he did not deserve that.

- I get that Ben and Rafe are from two different worlds so they won’t always see eye to eye on things but I hate how callous Rafe was and how casually he joked about Ben’s spending habits. Like that is so rude. Even worse was when Rafe seemed to refuse to accept that Ben didn’t identify as queer in any way. When I was young, I definitely sided more with Rafe on this. I still understand where Rafe is coming from. I mean, if I was told by my partner that they “are attracted to girls and also me,” I’d feel emasculated. I wish Rafe had worded it that way though instead of constantly insisting (even if he was joking) that Ben was in denial.

- That being said, it does feel like bi erasure that Ben won’t admit he’s queer in any way. Being attracted to Rafe automatically means you’re not straight! I know a guy who was dating someone pre-transition and when they transitioned into a boy, his attraction didn’t change. And instead, he just changed his identity from straight to queer because he still liked his partner. It’s that easy, Ben.

- Also, where’s Bryce? I know he was pulled out of school and he was mentioned throughout the story but considering he was Ben’s best friend at some point, I feel like some phone calls or like, a letter, would be warranted? Ben mentioned not having anyone to talk to after the Rafe debacle but what about Bryce??? Unless, Bryce’s whole thing in Utah meant no contact with the outside world for a while. In which case, that would’ve been nice to know.

[teawaffles]

The Conspiratorial Bullet: Chapter 2

“Oh my…… I thought this would be nothing more than a war game, but it’s certainly more nerve-wracking than I expected.”

The participants had taken their places, and around five minutes had passed since the game began. Kevin was whispering to Albert beside him as they walked, while pointing the gun he’d received in every direction around him. But in contrast to the jittery man, Albert had the relaxed air of a soldier.

“Certainly, this is a feeling of tension one wouldn’t normally get to experience. In fact, the enemy might just be around that corner.”

“What!? Really?”

Panicked, Kevin’s eyes darted all around them in a fluster. That disproportionate reaction elicited a wry laugh from Albert.

“Although it’s important to be aware of your surroundings, if you’re that stiff, your movements will be slow when it’s time to fight. Please relax a little.”

“I-I see. Yes, you’re right……”

Kevin nodded. Beside him, Albert’s guard was impeccable as he watched the leaves swaying in the slight breeze.

The playing field encompassed the entire forest. That said, as it wasn’t a vast area, there was no danger of getting lost. In addition, there was a little cabin in the woods, used on a daily basis by the gamekeeper who managed the hunting grounds; as they had obtained permission to use it during the game, indoor battles were also an option.

For the purposes of safety, all players were obliged to wear spectacles shaped to resemble goggles, as well as bulletproof vests. The guns they had been issued fell into two categories: revolvers and sniper rifles. As a forfeit, and also to pass the time, eliminated players were tasked to feed pheasant chicks at a game bird nursery a good distance away.

Incidentally, Herder had also wanted to impose a severe punishment in the event a gun was damaged. Foreseeing that this would create needless worry, Moran and the others had swiftly hushed him before the words left his mouth.

Thinking back to the explanation of the rules, Kevin looked at the revolver in his hand.

“In any case, this gun is exquisitely crafted. As it was mentioned earlier that the guns used fake bullets, I imagined it would resemble a toy, but it looks exactly like the real thing.”

“I’m pleased to hear that, though it’s all due to Herder’s exceptional skill. I heard he oversaw the creation of these weapons down to the finest details.”

Kevin looked at the card attached to his gun with string. Written on it was a number 8.

“I see: so this is a measure to prevent the guns from getting lost. But if they are so important, I thought it would be safer to carve the numbers directly onto them.”

“You may be right; in which case, we may’ve caused everyone some inconvenience.”

Albert said that with a slightly apologetic tone, and Kevin waved it off.

“No, no — if anything, it reflects his passion, and I honestly respect that. Even though I work in a different field, I have a lot to learn from him as a professional.”

“Thank you very much. I’m sure Herder would be delighted to hear that,” Albert replied, with sincere joy.

However, in an instant, Kevin’s expression seemed to grow a little darker.

“Still, maybe I shouldn’t have brought Helena here after all. She absolutely insisted on coming, so I relented, but with the guns looking so real, that…… I wonder if it’ll remind her of that incident.”

Albert could sense what he was trying to say.

“For that, I sincerely apologise. This event must seem somewhat inappropriate after what she went through.”

Hearing Albert take his remark so seriously, Kevin tried to explain himself in a fluster.

“N-No, it’s alright, I did not mean it as criticism. Besides, Helena seemed to be especially enjoying herself too.”

“Nonetheless, please allow me to apologise, for it may be the case that she’s simply putting up a strong front.”

At that, Kevin cocked his head in confusion.

“……Then, why did you decide to hold this game?”

Albert’s reply sounded almost as if he was speaking to himself.

“——Because it’s part of our ‘plan’.”

“Huh?”

Unsure of the meaning behind that word, the question fell from his lips before he could stop himself. But Albert did not elaborate further.

The conversation had unwittingly ground to a halt. Just as Kevin was searching for a different topic to talk about, Albert’s sharp gaze landed on a nearby thicket.

“There’s someone there.”

“Huh? Really?”

Bewildered, Kevin looked in the same direction. Then they heard the sound of leaves rustling, and the undergrowth parted to reveal an elderly nobleman.

Seeing the person before them, Albert lowered his gun. A warm smile rose to his face.

“……So it was you, Lord Andy. I thought you were the enemy.” [1]

“Hello, Albert-kun. Just for fun, I thought I’d hide and see how long it took you both to spot me, but it seems you discovered me instantly. As expected of the young, your perceptiveness is incredibly sharp,” he laughed, ruffling his own short white hair. He was also on the same team as Albert and Kevin.

The elderly nobleman was Andy Krueger, whose estate extended across the surrounding lands; he also owned the hunting grounds on which the game was being held. Today’s game had been brought into reality after Albert proposed the idea to him.

For such an important gathering on the social calendar, one would normally be hesitant to transform it into an unorthodox event like this. But Andy had jumped at the offer, and even offered his opinions on the finer points of the game. Because of this generous and broad-minded nature of his, he also had the trust of the other nobles.

At the man’s arrival, for some reason, Kevin sighed in relief.

“Please don’t surprise me like that — unlike Lord Albert, I was frightened half to death.”

“Sorry about that, Kevin-kun. But aren’t you being too timid? Have a little more nerve!”

“I’ll do my best.”

At their friendly banter, Albert seemed curious.

“Are both of you already acquainted?”

“Yes,” Kevin affirmed. “We got to know each other when Helena’s father and I were gaining recognition in London. Ever since that time, the nobility had not looked fondly upon us, and only Lord Andy treated us as equals.”

Kevin looked gratefully at the nobleman as he said this, and Andy clapped his shoulder heartily.

“Those aristocrats are really quite averse to the changing times, it seems. But I have no interest in such dreadful traditions. Even at the gathering earlier, they were keeping their distance and saying such rude things that I had to tell them off. Although I hadn’t seen them in a while, because of that, I didn’t even get a chance to say hello— Ah, apologies.”

“No, it’s fine, Lord Andy. You don’t have to apologise,” Kevin said, waving both hands in the air. “Rather, after hearing that you went to such lengths for a good-for-nothing like me, I’m truly grateful.”

“What’s this? Timid as ever, I see,” Andy barked. “You’re an excellent businessman, so why not act like it?”

Then the elderly nobleman’s expression, which had been cheerful thus far, clouded over just a little.

“Nevertheless, I still feel sorry for your friend. At least, his daughter Helena seems to be doing well…… Have there been no clues even now?”

Kevin’s tone also grew heavy.

“……None at all. Helena believes he’s alive, but personally, I think he’s no longer……”

“He’d suddenly vanished, didn’t he?”

Out of the blue, Albert cut in. The two men were startled, but Albert continued with a somewhat knowing look.

“After the incident at the department store, I became curious, and tried doing some research into it myself. It seems there are various peculiarities about this case. For one, the store Helena’s father opened with Mr Kevin had been a success, but one day, he simply disappeared without warning. On the night he was thought to have disappeared, when he was having dinner at home, a friend testified that nothing had seemed particularly off about him.”

“Moreover, that was the last time I saw him. I never thought it would be the last conversation we’d have together……”

Kevin — the friend who’d testified — said so in a thin voice, the corners of his mouth twitching as if in self-mockery.

“Of course, at first, the police suspected that I had something to do with it. They even went to the trouble of thinking up a motive: that as a co-owner, I would stand to gain all the store’s profits if he were to disappear.”

Thinking back to that false accusation, Kevin’s shoulders drooped. Seeing that, Andy addressed him in a droll voice.

“Come now, you never know — one day he might just come home all of a sudden. I’ve told you before: there’s nothing we can do at present, and on top of that, worrying unnecessarily will only injure your health.”

“……You’re right. Besides, we’re supposed to be having fun right now: if I’m the only one being so grave, I’ll just be putting a damper on things.”

“Exactly, exactly. Well then, let’s get back to the game,” Andy urged, thumping him on the back.

Albert, who had been watching their exchange with a calm gaze, smiled gently.

“Indeed; let us focus on the competition first. By the way, it’s about time for us to get our blood pumping…… I’d like to advance deeper into enemy territory. What say you two?”

At his invitation, Kevin quickly shook his head.

“No no no! Frankly, since the start of the game, my heart’s felt like it’s about to explode! Anything more than this and it’ll stop altogether!”

But the elderly nobleman threw his head back in hearty laughter.

“You young people have so much energy, it’s making me jealous. Kevin-kun, you’ve got to watch and learn as well.”

“No…… When I think about what lies ahead, somehow my legs can’t stop shaking,” Kevin murmured weakly. His legs were indeed trembling pitifully, so much so it wouldn’t be surprising for them to give out any moment now.

Andy sighed, as if astonished.

“It can’t be helped then. Sorry, Albert-kun — it seems he can’t go on. I’d like to say that I’ll go with you in his stead, but…… for some reason, my legs have been hurting for a while now. Despite my high spirits, my years have bested me today,” he laughed wryly, his expression weak.

Albert nodded firmly.

“I understand. Well then, let’s part ways here. I wish you both the best of luck.”

“T-Take care……”

Watching Albert’s brave figure as he walked gallantly into the depths of the forest, Kevin felt ashamed at his own cowardice once again.

Scoreboard

🔹 Blue team: Albert, Jack, Fred, William, Kevin, Andy

🔺 Red team: Moran, Bond, Louis, Helena

Footnotes:

[1] Andy’s title is not formally given in the story, but judging from the amount of land he owns, I think it’s safe to say that he’s a member of the peerage like Albert, and hence should be addressed as “Lord Andy”. (Wikipedia)