#(he's lying Jamie is very pretty//OOC)

[thesiblingsoftheblackandwhite]

If it was anyone other than a God I'd assume you were almost jealous of all the humans Ted keeps getting with before he breaks the relationship. Charlotte and him got really close for a while. I'd argue that's the best relationship he's had and it only ended because of Pokotho's involvement with Sam.

T'noy Karaxis cackles at that.

Hah! Close! You're funny. No, no. Only I know how many timelines they tried, and how many crashed and burned! Even without the apotheosis, Sweetly and Teddy never got past touching each other and moaning like sick animals! She wasn't even a catch, but I didn't expect much from him, anyway.

[narastories]

So, I kind of finished my random Hellraiser movie-watching madness, and here is my personal list of ordering the Hellraiser films from best to worst:

1. Hellraiser (1987)

2. Hellbound: Hellraiser ||

3. Hellraiser (2022)

4. Hellraiser: Hellseeker (VI)

5. Hellraiser |||: Hell on Earth

6. Hellraiser: Bloodline (IV)

7. Hellraiser: Deader (VII)

8. Hellraiser: Judgement (X)

9. Hellraiser: Hellworld (VIII)

10. Hellraiser: Inferno (V)

11. Hellraiser: Revelations (IX)

I know everyone has REALLY different opinions on these lol This is just mine. Ramblings below.

1. Hellraiser (1987)

If you're not rating this at the top, what even are you doing? OG. Classic. Great. Yes, they have visibly worked with different tech regarding the make-up, fake blood, etc. It just adds to the charm. Also: Kirsty <3

2. Hellbound: Hellraiser ||

This goes hand-in-hand with the first one. It also has that part with Kirsty getting the Cenobites to protect them, which is great. 10/10 no notes.

3. Hellraiser (2022)

Sorry, not sorry for putting it this high. It's just so pretty. And the cast is great. Overall eye-candy. I mean, I have a soft spot for Goran Višnjić in this (liar) in general. And Jamie Clayton just really made the role of the Priestess her own. I think with some of the Pinhead re-casts the issue was that they just put another guy in there, but with her, she really owned the role. The references back to the OG are subtle, and overall I think it did the original film justice.

4. Hellraiser: Hellseeker (VI)

I would be lying if I said the Pinhead & Kirsty scene didn't influence me to rate it this high. But also, I feel like this is the film that Inferno was trying (and failing) to be. You have the plotline with the police, and the cheating husband, but you actually care about what happens to the characters because it's Kirsty and his husband not just random people with no backstory. I'm going to say it again: I personally enjoyed Trevor's suffering and Kirsty getting blood on her hands. There is also something to be said about the early-2000's anxiety about surveillance.

5. Hellraiser |||: Hell on Earth

This still has a very similar vibe to I & II, which is a plus. I get that people think Pinhead is OOC here. Personally, I think his behavior could be explained by what happened to him. To me, it was hilarious that he basically let the human part of him die to save someone else, got stuck in a statue and his brain-to-mouth filter just disappeared. And then the human part kept haunting people. You also have Terri and Joey whom I love dearly.

6. Hellraiser: Bloodline (IV)

I appreciated the backstory, and I appreciated Angelique. Also, as I've said before the space-station setting didn't feel overly gratuitous. Imo it served a purpose and added to the narrative saying "we are so far in the future and these angels/demons are still here". At this point in the movies, it felt really good to get a little history lesson too about where the box was coming from.

7. Hellraiser: Deader (VII)

I would not call this (or the rest on this list for that matter) a good film. There was something personally relatable and therefore terrifying to me about this movie. It leans strongly on the idea that the ones you should be afraid of the most are human and I like that. The subway car scenes are also fun, but I'm taking minus points for the Hungarian name in the address that the guy pronounced like it was an Italian city. Oh yeah, and if you are claustrophobic... good luck?

8. Hellraiser: Judgement (X)

Very bizarre, but not half that bad? The scenes followed a plot that made sense and were enjoyably done. Pinhead wasn't OOC despite it not being Doug Bradley, of course. The guy with the glasses was also fun. Bonus points, because Kirsty can make deals, but Carter can't :P At the same time, this film is nowhere near as good as some of the older ones.

9. Hellraiser: Hellworld (VIII)

Just. No? I mean, part of me appreciates the geeky "fandom" setting and the 2005 technology. But. No. It's like Teen Wolf meets Hellraiser, and that is not a compliment (although I like both but... no) I just have an incoherent "this tasted bad" feeling about this movie lol If I had to articulate it, I would say that the plot felt very unfinished.

10. Hellraiser: Inferno (V)

So boring. I wasn't opposed to the concept because I think the question: "What does the police have to say about all of this?" is a good and valid one. But man, the execution sucked. I had zero sympathy for the main guy, but I also didn't feel gleefully malicious as I did with Trevor. Yeah, I can't recommend this one.

11. Hellraiser: Revelations (IX)

Ugh. First of all, the protagonists are two spoiled brats, whose troubles offer nothing interesting. Like, okay, you had a temper-tantrum and opened the box, congratulations I guess? Kirsty was more mature than this in the first movie. Second, and I'm sorry to say but this is the worst Pinhead recast out of them. He looked like a boy in his father's shoes. Tbh the cenobites all look worse. The plot also moves too fast and the references back to the old stuff are really clumsy. I'm sorry but I hated it.

[my-amygdala-is-synthetic]

okay I'm spewing my thoughts into a text post (there sure are a lot of them)

like I said I had seen almost ZERO spoilers for this movie, somehow, I was going in blind and that made it SUCH a treat. the only spoilers I knew were that Ned Does Magic and the other spidermen + Otto were there. I didn't even know about the villains, I figured Norman shows up but I deadass thought it would be like, a cameo

anyways lets start out with why it sucked

No Way Home is... not a good movie. it is objectively a pretty bad movie, in fact. there is zero substance beyond pandering fanservice.

and even then. the fanservice is kind of bad! everyone is painfully out of character! it is so obvious that they all just showed up for a disney paycheck. it hurts my heart to hear Alfred Molina doing mcu quips. the "throwback lines" were stupid asf I groaned out loud every time except when Tobey said mY bAcK but sorry im a simp

I think Flint Marco was the most in character but even then he had some questionable writing. yassified Electro was so fucking funny, I can't even complain about his glowup, Jamie Foxx rly said yeah I'll be in the movie but you gotta right some wrongs. I respect that

I have never like Doctor Strange, Benderbump Cumdumpass has SUCH A HORRIBLE american accent it pisses me off so badly. and why was he so smooth in this? he looked like he was from a video game? it was very odd. thankfully he wasn't in it as much as I feared, and he had like two lines that made me giggle so I'll accept it

Marvel movies have set feminism back by 30 years on god. there's no reason for there to be only three women in a cast this size. Zendaya at least had better characterization in this than in HC/FFH. but mcu Aunt May is done so dirty. it is legitimately offensive how she's made into a one-note AUNT MAY IS HOT NOW joke. the purpose of her character is supposed to be Peter's rock to rely on. they did not lean to that dynamic enough and it made her death so much less impactful, I kinda dgaf about it honestly! I thought Gwen's death was more emotional and I despised TASM2!

the action was not good, poorly choreographed, very boring, CGI :/

ALL THAT ASIDE, THE SHIT I LIKED!!!

because YES, it is a bad movie, BUT FUCK THAT WAS SUCH A FUN THEATER EXPERIENCE, not QUITE as much fun as I had in the theater with Spiderman 3, but such a cool vibe that I haven't felt since Endgame (sorry to be marvel's little bitch but yeah seeing that movie opening night was one of the coolest things ever)

Peter/Ned/MJ are such a cute polycule, sure it's no raimiverse throuple but who could ever live up to that.

when Connors was like "THAT'S his gf???" I laughed so hard cus I am also constantly wondering how Tom pulled her

I would also jump off the statue of liberty to save Zendaya, I really liked that Garf got to catch her I may have cheered

the old man yaoi with Otto and Norman was fun, I get why everyone ships them now, not quite my bag but I do see the appeal.

getting any reference at all to Harry was such a treat. I really thought they were just gonna pretend he didn't exist lol. fuck janco I hope he rots but it's for the best... mcu would have massacred his character. that being said "I had a best friend once, he died in my arms after he tried to kill me" I was simultaneously bursting into tears and laughing my ass off

WHERE THE FUCK WAS DANE DEHAAN THO... HELLO. I actually liked his version of Harry sorry!!

so at first I thought that the other Peters were also kind of ooc, Garf and Tobey should NOT be speaking in complete sentences!! but I thought about it and I think that actually they do feel like more matured versions of their characters.

the Mary Jane reference was nice but wow you really couldn't have Kirsten Dunst show up for just a second :( pay her some RESPECT as the first mistreated marvel girlie...

and the spideycest... WELL... I'm not going to draw yaoi of the three peters, I'm not, I'M NOT, but, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted. lol. I gave this movie 3 stars on letterboxd and it would have been FUCKING TWO if it was not for the webshooter discussion. that was insane. that was out of pocket. that was beautiful and brave and they did that for the freaks like me out there.

anyways that was so much fun, I got so tipsed off canned cocktails and I did cry ONE tear at the end and I am extra sad that it's all over, I wish I could go see all the Spidermans in theaters again, this has made my fucking year and I'm so glad I did this!

^Ten times I saw the Bad Boys Ride Or Die trailer. I can recite that mf from memory now.

Now it is time to draw weird things yay bye. sorry if you read all this lol.

GUYS IM IN THE THEATER RIGHT NOW TO SEE NO WAY HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME

I have a feeling I won't like it I'm gonna be booing Doctor Strange and I'm only here for Tobey