#(having said that i grew up with 3 grandmothers actually so it's kind of absurd that i just. forgot this)

[arodrwho]

if i had a nickel for every time somebody read that tma fic of mine and felt the need to comment that most people have two grandmothers so it didn't make sense for that to be a point of confusion

well i would only have 2 nickels but it's annoying that it happened twice

[silentfcknhill]

FAVORITE SHOWS IN POSTERS

Well, we’re back for another installment of this tagged meme, this time for TV shows! I also stole this from/was indirectly tagged by @jcmorrigan. My taste in shows also differs a bit from my taste in movies, as I tend to like a lot of comedy shows with not as many horror ones. I’m not into shows as much as movies overall, but there are some that I am very passionate about so I picked twenty again. So, here we go for part 2, in order:

1. Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend Of Korra (2005-2014)

I'm including these as one show since they take place in the same universe and tell a continuation of the same overall plot. Altogether this is probably the best piece of media to ever exist, including movies. It has so many great characters and villains especially and some of the most epic sequences, charming humor and heartwarming moments ever. I've never met a person who didn't like these shows, even people who normally don't like cartoons. My dad, who is biased against animation? He loved it. My mother? She loved it, watched it with her multiple times. My grandmother? Loved it. My ex-boyfriend? Loved it. My best friend? Loved it. I dare anyone not to, and I'm so glad it's making a resurgence since it's on Netflix for a new generation to enjoy.

2. Black Butler (2008-2014)

I never was big into anime growing up and only really started watching anime when I was like 16 and above, but this is one of the exceptions because holy shit is it ever dark and epic. I'm not sure I'd really recommend it for kids, it's more of a teens and young adults kind of anime and that's probably why it's so good, because it isn't afraid to explore dark and mature topics and do it with all of the intensity and gravitas required to do said topics justice. It has lots of great characters, and the story of demons who make deals with children who have a dark side is fun to watch play out.

3. Seinfeld (1989-1998)

My dad was a huge fan of this show so I watched it growing up since I was a toddler and it became a classic for me. I've watched thw hole show through at least 8 times, and I'll never stop because it never gets old or boring. It's also my only comfort show when I'm having a panic attack because of one time a few years ago when I was having a drug-induced psychosis episode and watching it calmed me down, so now it's like the opposite of a trigger and whenever I'm having an episode or something I watch it to bring me back to reality. For that reason it's more than a show to me, it's a medical treatment and I'm forever grateful to it.

4. The Good Place (2016-2020)

The big four shows made my Michael Schur all made it on this post (The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office and Parks And Recreation), either in the main list of the honorable mentions, but this is my personal favorite of the four. It's so funny, quirky, relatable and basically tailor-made to suit my interests. Not only is it an entertaining and wholesome show, but I think watching it helped me come to terms with a lot of things like mortality, ethics, philosophy, religion and my relationships with other people. It gets  alot of different viewpoints across and if you're a very analytical and philosophical person like me you'll probably enjoy seeing it all play out. Not to mention, every single character is 'favorite character' material. It's rare you find a show with no filler characters in the main cast, but I genuinely can't choose who is best.

5. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013-?)

Another of Michael Schur's shows, this one is just barely under The Good Place and to be honest it was tough to pick my favorite between the two because they're both equally funny. I know it's kind of controversial right now because of the whole law enforcement thing, but I actually think they do a good job of handling social issues in the show and remaining respectful of real-life systemic problems. As for the characters, this is another one of those shows where every single character is gold and I think that tends to be a trend among Schur's shows in general. He produces damn good comedy, and damn good characters. I can't wait to see what they bring next.

6. Rick And Morty (2013-?)

This is unfortunately one of those cases of 'great show, horrible fandom' and for that reason I don't get involved in the fandom even though I love the show. It's a shame because it really is a great show, so funny and, again, such good characters. I think it's a lot more accessible than the fandom likes to claim, so I'm hoping more people will give it a chance and not get put off by the intellectual elitism of the fandom because it does have some of the most entertaining and batshit crazy episodes ever, poking fun of some of the staples of science fiction in media while also poking fun of itself the whole time. Unlike the fandom, the show doesn't take itself seriously and that's enjoyable nowadays.

7. Orange Is The New Black (2013-2019)

While this show is a comedy, it is also a lot of other things and it's probably made me ugly-cry just as many times as it's made me laugh. Well, maybe not as often, but those few scenes (if you've watched the show then you know the ones I'm talking about) made me hysterically sob hard enough to be worth like fifty minor sads. But I didn't even mind because the show is just that good, and it makes you /feel/ something in a real way. Probably because of just how real it gets in terms of telling stories that happen all the time in the real world, sometimes with inevitably tragic endings. But these things do happen every day, and it's important to shine a light on that. It's not just representation for LGBTQ+ but also for POC, the neurodiverse, the poor, and many more. Give it a watch to broaden your perspective!

8. Big Mouth (2017-?)

This is probably the grossest show I've ever seen but by god is it ever funny. Maybe it's because I have an immature sense of humor or something, but I love this show. It definitely won't be everyone's cup of tea and I don't recommend you watch this show with anyone else around because it will get awkward. I think part of its appeal to me is that everyone I talk to who likes it considers it so relatable to their lives growing up but for someone like me who grew up on the autism and asexual spectrum and who was physically an early-bloomer by years, nothing about this show is relatable to me in any way so it makes it all the more crazy and bizarre watching how the people around me must have experienced things. Did y'all really have these experiences with puberty in middle school???

9. Dexter (2006-2013)

I recently heard that this show is coming back for a reboot soon and I'm so excited because this is my absolute favorite drama/thriller show, as evidenced by the fact that it's the highest one on the list so far that isn't a comedy. I love the idea of having a protagonist who is sort of a villain (or at least morally dubious), and the idea of a serial killer who only kills bad people is particularly satisfying for some reason. Maybe because he's the vigilante we all deserve and want in this unjust and evil world of modern times? Idk but the very premise of this show set it up for big things and aside from the ending I think it delivered consistently.

10. Once Upon A Time (2011-2018)

This show took us on some journeys, and you can't deny that. Sure, maybe it didn't always finish what it started and didn't always end in the most satisfying way, but part of its charm is that you didn't care because the experience was just so much fun. They took characters and stories that have been told to death and somehow managed to put a unique and unexpected twist on them, and that alone is admirable. Good twists, good villains, and pretty much every cliffhanger known to man will keep you hooked on binge-watching every episode.

11. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009-?)

A bit different than the other entries on my list in that it's not fiction but a reality competition show, but I couldn't leave Drag Race out because it's just so fucking iconic and perfect. Even when you disagree with the judges or can't stand a certain contestant you'll still be having a good time. It's got the personalities you love to love, the ones you love to hate, and the comedy that's completely meme-able. I mean just how much has this show contributed to pop culture and the internet? More than most of us, henny. I've watched every single season, even the international ones and all of the spinoffs. This show will probably be on for another thirty years when Ru is throwing shade from a hospital bed and I'll still be watching.

12. House (2004-2012)

Some people hate on this show, and I don't get it. I love House. Yes, he's an ass. That's the point. He's supposed to be unlikeable, and that's why I like him. Maybe because I always love the rude, sarcastic, misanthropic jerkass-genius characters for some reason. And I also love procedural shows, so it's a win-win. I also work in the healthcare field so it appeals to me for that reason too, because obviously the whole premise is outlandish which is what makes it funny. Of course it's not realistic for a hospital, so just enjoy the absurdity and don't get too hung up on the details of medical accuracy and professional ethics and you'll be fine.

13. The Office (2005-2013)

The third of Michael Schur's show and the last one that made the main list (sorry Parks And Rec, I love you too but there was just so many good shows to choose from and I saw you last so the nostalgia isn't as strong!) I don't think I need to hype this show up any, it's already a classic and you can't even turn around online without getting hit in the face by a dozen Office memes. You'll have to pry this show and it's relatable characters (especially Michael Scott) from my cold, dead hands.

14. All Hail King Julien/The Penguins Of Madagascar (2008-2017)

Like Avatar/Korra, I also consider this as one show for the sake of this list because it also takes place in the same universe (Madagascar, specifically) and I just couldn't choose one over the other because they're both so perfect. They're funny and I love all the characters (it cut out the weaker links of the Madagascar film series and just focuses on expanding the standout side-characters like King Julien and the penguins). It also delved into some lore, particularly the first show, and even though I didn't also agree with the directions it took (you may have seen me get salty about the ending because I cared too much), I can't deny how much I love it.

15. Bones (2005-2017)

One of the other scarce non-comedy shows on this list, it still has it's funny moments. It's also, like House, another procedural show that involves some medical stuff, but this time on a more scientific and forensic level which is even more interesting. It's nice to see a lead female with Asperger's, too. There's a lot of cop/law enforcement shows where they try to solve crimes, but this one is the best, and I'm saying that as a fan of CSI as well. Don't fight me on this, I'm right. Oh yes, it's corny, it's campy, it's cheesy, but I love every minute of it. Don't watch if you have a weak stomach though.

16. The Simpsons (1989-?)

We all grew up with this show, don't lie. It's been around longer than most people on tumblr have even been alive. Should it have ended seasons ago? Hell yes. But that doesn't take away what the first like 20 or so seasons gave us (there's a lot of argument about when the show jumped the shark, for me it wasn't until much later than the popular consensus). The characters are amazing, but the secret to the show's longevity is that they always return to status quo and there's comfort and nostalgia in that. Bart will still be in 4th grade when you're out there pushing 90. This show is persistent. This show is eternal. This show will outlive us all.

17. Ash Vs. Evil Dead (2015-2018)

Sorely underrated. This show is hilarious, gruesome and campy as hell and I love it. I don't think you necessarily have to watch the Evil Dead movies beforehand in order to get the plot of the show, although it would probably help. In my opinion this show ended way too soon and I'm hoping someday we'll get a comeback because Ash is the reluctant, self-absorbed hero we all need and it's 2020 so at this point there really might actually be a demon-zombie apocalypse and who's gonna save us then if not for the impulsive womanizer with a chainsaw for a hand?

18. Malcolm In The Middle (2000-2006)

Another show I grew up with, I don't think it gets as much credit as it deserves. It has some damn funny episodes and great characters, and it did a lot of the popular sitcom tropes before they were 'cool'. Some other great sitcoms, The Middle in particular, took a lot of influence from this show and it helped pave the way for the future of sitcoms at a time when they were about to make a comeback. If you want a good show about the real experiences of growing up, this is a much more accurate representation of the highs and lows of being an awkward tween from a dysfunctional home.

19. A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

Unlike most people I actually liked the movie version from the early 2000's, and I read the books growing up so I was excited when I saw there was a live action television adaptation of it on Netflix because I felt like they cancelled the movie franchise too soon. I was interested to see how new actors would handle the roles, and I was not disappointed. I wouldn't say I liked either portrayal of the characters better or worse, they both added their own twist to it and this show is a great and loyal adaptation to the books, probably because the author was so heavily involved. He knew just when to stick to the books and when to improve upon what he had done with the benefit of hindsight. This show is basically the books, but remastered.

20. Winx Club (2004-?)

Sort of an odd one out on this list, but I really love this show even as an adult and it may surprise you to learn it is still going on and the most recent season came out last year. They take big breaks sometimes in between seasons, but it's still going strong and in multiple countries. The only thing I don't like about watching this show is all the different and inconsistent dubs since the original show is Italian and each dub only goes for a couple seasons so by the time you get used to one set of voices/names for the characters oyu have to abruptly switch to another, but it's still worth it for the beautiful animation and cool characters (especially the villains!)

Honorable Mentions: 

13 Reasons Why, America's Next Top Model, American Horror Story, Arrested Development, Bates Motel, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Care Bears, Chernobyl, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Criminal, CSI, Duck Dodgers, Goosebumps, Kenny Vs. Spenny, Kim Possible, Kingdom Hospital, Lazytown, Lost, Making A Murderer, Mayday, Mindhunter, Modern Family, Monster High, Obsession: Dark Desires, Parks And Recreation, Prison Break, Project Runway, Queer As Folk, Queer Eye, Salem, Schitt's Creek, SCTV, Spongebob Squarepants, The Emperor's New School, The Good Doctor, The Haunting Of Hill House/Bly Manor, The Middle, The Pretender, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Through The Wormhole, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Unsolved Mysteries, Yugioh

Tagging: @bullet-farmer​ and anyone else who wants to!

[spaceskam]

prompt #3 - fake relationship [ao3]

warning: mentions of torture/childhood trauma in caulfield, not a lot of detail but it’s referenced

“Pretty please? Please, please, please, please?”

Jenna Cameron liked to think she was a hard wall to break down and that she wasn’t easily convinced of anything, especially not something that involved endangering a citizen. However, she was finding it harder and harder to ignore the way Maria DeLuca was pouting and begging for her assistance.

“Why are you asking me instead of Alex?” Jenna asked, swirling her drink a little. Maria sighed and rolled her eyes.

“He said no because he doesn’t want to help me destroy myself or something,” she said, waving it off, “But that’s not what I’m doing. I just need to know and you’re my best option.”

“If the Captain said no, then I have to believe there was a valid reason,” Jenna said. Maria tilted her head back and groaned. Jenna took a deep breath and took a needed sip of her whiskey.

“C’mon, please? You don’t even have to help, just let me be your date for the Veteran’s banquet and I’ll do all the snooping,” Maria promised.

“What exactly are you trying to do?” she asked. Maria clearly noticed her window and a smile covered her face as she leaned forward. Was she always that cute?

“Okay, so I’ve been trying to find someone who knew my grandmother whenever she was younger. She was taken from an orphanage when she was a little girl by Caulfield and they did experiments on her and I’ve been trying to find one of the other kids that were taken to see if they know anything. The problem is so many of them have died or have severe late stage dementia, so I can’t talk to them. Except this one man, he grew up and joined the Army. His name is Sargent Benjamin Harlowe and I haven’t been able to find out his address or his phone number anywhere and he has no social media, but then I saw that he was going to be at that banquet in one of Alex’s e-mails. I need to talk to him,” Maria rambled, doing her best to give big, persuasive eyes.

Jenna stared at her over her glass, taking in her obvious desperation. She knew what it was like to not have this information that was so crucial to knowing about someone you loved. She sighed and put her drink down.

“Okay, fine,” she agreed. A smile lit up Maria’s face and she leaned over the counter to hug her.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Jenna just hoped she wasn’t going to regret this.

-

There were definitely regrettable things happening.

Sargent Harlowe was a large man, standing at least 6′5″ and still walking with an unmatched air of authority. He’d been a drill sargent before he retired and while Jenna had never worked with him directly, she knew his name. He was ruthless and was determined to garner respect no matter how old he got. He wasn’t very social and he rarely came to events. And, knowing that he’d been apart of something heinous as a child, it made more sense.

But leave it to Maria DeLuca to think she could charm him.

“Stop,” Jenna said, grabbing her arm and keeping her close. From the moment Maria had walked out of her apartment looking like a goddamn goddess, Jenna had chosen to shut down any thought process that didn’t involve trying to talk to a respected Sargent about his childhood trauma. “You can’t just go up to him. People will eventually offer to introduce us, just wait it out.”

“I am. And I’m going to be respectful, I know, I’ve practice, like, a million times,” she promised, smiling. Sometimes Jenna considered that maybe she actually could charm him.

“Good,” Jenna sighed, “Let’s find the bar first.”

Jenna didn’t usually go to these banquets unless she had to and never had she gone with a date. She avoided dates most of the time in general--casual hookups went a long way if you chose right. But, here she was, with a date in a public setting. And not just any date. A date who was social and engaged with people and asked questions and made old men who had told the same four stories for the last 30 years feel heard again.

“Let me go this time, you got the drinks last time,” Maria said, still smiling in that unfairly charming way as she took ahold of her champagne flute. Jenna found it hard to avoid watching her walk over to the bar, twisting through the crowd of people and somehow not getting lost due to the fact she stood out. Jenna hadn’t quite figured out what about her made her stand out and she was slightly terrified to figure it out.

“Cameron,” Major Simons said. It was the first thing that managed to take her attention off Maria and she turned towards the man who had been her superior at one point. The fact that they’d both ended up in this county felt weird.

“Yes, Sir?”

“That woman you got there,” he said, gesturing vaguely to the direction Maria had walked, “First time I’ve ever seen you look interested in something that wasn’t a firearm.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, trust me, all those boys back at that base overseas wanted your attention and you never gave them the time of day. I guess I see why now,” he said, a proud and knowing smile on his face. She didn’t comment that she had much more important things on her mind than boys back when she was overseas and that it made her life a lot easier to not give them any kind of non-work related attention, but that was besides the point.

“It’s nothing too serious,” she said. Because it wasn’t anything at all.

“Oh, well, I don’t know about that.”

Jenna took a deep breath and turned her eyes back to the direction Maria had disappeared. She was heading back already, the two glasses in her hands held up high as she slipped through the crowd so she wouldn’t spill them. Jenna took one of the glasses and immediately tilted it back, downing half of it.

“Oh, okay, guess we’re taking an Uber tonight,” Maria laughed. Jenna didn’t care as long as she didn’t have to continue whatever this was sober.

More small talk, more letting Maria charm through officers as they introduced her to each other. Jenna watched her and watched them, regularly having to remind herself that this was because they were going to talk to Sargent Harlowe about Caulfield. After awhile, Jenna chose to view this as a mission all together. It kept her on guard as she made sure no one was becoming suspicious of them.

Eventually, after an absurd amount of small talk, they finally got what they were waiting for.

“Have you met Sargent Harlowe? You haven’t? Oh, come on, maybe you can help him warm up to the party.”

Maria looked at Jenna as they started to follow Lt. Mayfield towards Sargent Harlowe and she winked. It was unfair.

“Sargent Harlowe, this is Lt. Cameron and her date for the night,” Lt. Mayfield introduced. Sargent Harlowe seemed even bigger in person and he looked over their heads, avoiding eye contact as he nodded his greeting.

“Harlowe?” Maria said, “Harlowe, that sounds familiar, what’s your first name?”

Sargent Harlowe breathed in a slow breath, still looking over them instead of at them. “Benjamin.”

“Benjamin Harlowe...” Maria said thoughtfully, pretending to go through her mind to find out where she knew his name from, “Oh, you know what, I think you might’ve known my grandmother! She talked about some big, strong guy named Ben Harlowe before. Her name was Patricia DeLuca, Patty. And her maiden name was--”

“Patty DeLuca?” Harlowe said. On first glance, it didn’t seem he had much recognition, but Jenna caught the way his eyes widened slightly and the way his arms tensed.

“Yes, Sir, did you know her?”

Silence took over them as his jaw set and he took a few heavy breaths. Jenna watched him closely for any signs that he might get a little too angry with her for bringing up whatever memories Jenna couldn’t imagine. However, he kept himself calm, probably a product of years and years of self-discipline and therapy, and nodded.

“When we were children,” he said. Emphasis on children. They were children when they were taken and experimented on. Children. “You said she spoke about me?”

“Yes, Sir,” Maria said, bubbly as ever to keep the mood light, “Said you were her best friend.”

That was bullshit. From what Jenna understood, Maria’s grandmother was never coherent enough to tell her stories about that. All she knew was what was in those files and the things her mother had told her when she was little. And, yet, she passed it off like she knew what she was doing.

“I... I wouldn’t say best friend,” Sargent Harlowe said, speaking slow and controlled, “But she was a friend. Very kind. She sang little songs whenever the other children got upset. She never liked seeing people cry.”

“Sounds like Grandma Patty,” Maria said fondly. 

Jenna watched silently as they spoke, both of them dancing around the elephant in the room and refusing to be the one to acknowledge it. Sargent Harlowe spoke in circles often, never wanting to offer too much detail, but Maria never pushed. Instead, by the time people started to filter out, they agreed to go for lunch and talk a little bit more.

“Do you want me to come to that to make sure it goes well?” Jenna offered as they walked to the car. Maria had apparently only been drinking non-alcoholic drinks all night, wanting to keep her wits about her, and it saved Jenna the annoyance of having to fetch an Uber. 

“I think it’ll be okay. If you want to wait a few tables over or something though, you totally can. I think it might be cathartic for him to finally talk about it to someone who won’t judge. But I think our team can be disbanded,” Maria decided, a playful tone in her voice. 

Jenna nodded and didn’t show any emotion. She knew this was just Maria needed a reason to go to this banquet. That didn’t mean they were... whatever. She couldn’t have feelings about it.

The car ride to Jenna’s place was shorter than expected and she fiddled with the lock a little as she stared at the apartment complex. It felt weird to spend all night with Maria on her arm and then going home to an empty bed. The whole idea of it was lonely.

“Jenna,” Maria said as she went to open the door. Jenna looked over at her and waited for whatever she had to say. Maria just smiled and leaned across the center console of her truck, pressing a kiss to her cheek that lingered while her hand cupped her jaw. She whispered a soft, “Thank you,” and let her on her way.

Jenna walked inside in a daze, feeling a lot less lonely with a red-stained kiss mark on her cheek and a text asking to do it again some time.

[manicpixiedreamjew]

ok i rewrote and revised my letter! let me know what you think

2/9/19

Rabbi Randy,                                              

As our Into class comes to an end, a lot has been on my mind. My spirituality, my values; how my perception of the world has changed as I solidify my Jewish identity, especially as a young woman. I spent a few hours poring over journal entries dating back all the way to 2016 this Shabbat, and a consistent theme stood out in all of them: an overwhelming, genuine urge to live an authentic Jewish life. I read, thrown back into the innocent curiosity, the puppy love, the childlike fascination with Jews and Judaism that began with a book. The Chosen, the very first Jewish book I read, and I’m sure I’ve told you this story before; I’ll spare the details.

Anyway, those first inklings of interest, say, early 2016, were academic. I was a vehement atheist born to a family of atheists. Then again, who has a nuanced understanding of religion and people-hood at sixteen? My atheism was an obstinate, cynical world view triggered by traumatic experiences with Christianity. When I picked up The Chosen, though...I was slapped right across the face. Judaism was the first thing that challenged my philosophies; it forced me into an entirely foreign universe I never thought I’d know, need or understand. It taught me empathy foremost, in those early days...studying Judaism exhorted me to bear the burden of others, to feed the hungry (a MAZON seminar comes to mind), comfort the weary. Looking at my journal, an entry dated 3/3/17 elaborates on the effects of antisemitism in America, and next to that a newspaper cut out of a Magen David. It wasn’t quite personal then, but it was something I wouldn’t have looked twice at a few years earlier. It disturbed me deeply.

Then, mid-late 2017. The journal entries shifted, as you’d expect; I’d been exhaustively involved in reading and researching by then. I see a lovingly inscribed entry detailing, religiously, my first Kabbalat Shabbat at CRC. 7/1/17. The smells, the melodies, my friends, the birthday celebration of two elderly men who loved baseball. “A deep, riveting admiration for something ancient and pulsing with life.” That puppy-love stage was in full effect, my love of Judaism and its personal implications blossomed over the springtime, although its fragrance wasn’t entirely sweet: I was forced to confront my identity and ask myself that looming question. Do I want to become a Jew?

That question threw me for a loop. It was an emotionally intense time. I confided to my closest friend that, although it may sound absurd, converting to Judaism was something I was interested in. I remember crying myself to sleep some nights because the decision was so massive, so heavy, so entirely suffocating for someone with no background in religion, no sense of community or family. Eventually, though, my fate did not seem so dire, and I came to my senses: I loved Judaism. I loved it, I love it. One of the first things that stood out to me and comforted me was the Jewish emphasis on family, something I never experienced. I clung to it: how someone’s always there for you;  how you’re adopted into world-wide support network called the Tribe. How no matter where you travel, anywhere in the world, someone will enthusiastically invite you over for Shabbat lunch. How, because you are Jewish, you will never suffer alone.

That, then, began my serious resolve to be Jewish, do Jewish and live Jewish.

Ever since I met with you on 11/21/17 (I have an entry for that, too!), my life has been a foray into Jewishness. You told me to start observing Shabbat and Yom Tov, and I did so with vigor: I bought a chanukiah, acquired the shiniest candlesticks I could, and read every book the local library had regarding proper observances. I look back on my first few holidays and laugh now, playfully admonishing myself for my mistakes and mishaps. But that’s the fun, right? If I learned anything from this week’s Parsha (Terumah), it’s that the means are more much important than the end, the intention more meaningful than the actualization. Late 2017 to early 2018 was all that: learning, doing, experiencing, interacting, existing with a fat dose of humility. Organizing a basic Jewish vocabulary, and through Shabbat services and working with the community, pinning down what it means to live a Jewish life.

Enter 2018! This was, perhaps, the most frustrated and chaotic year on my Journey to Jewish. To start, it was my last semester of high-school. Everything, and I mean Everything, was dependent on my graduation—most saliently my own happiness and sanity. My synagogue attendance was dwindling, my ambition and motivation was all but absent. I’ve always suffered from depression and severe anxiety, but its clutch tightened horribly those first few months. I managed to attend a Kol Nidre service in early September—and, it remains one of my most beautiful and cherished memories to date. December, I know, was the hardest. Between my Catholic father making crusade jokes and my Jesus-obsessed mother spewing casual antisemitism, between unending loads of coursework and no free time, I felt my spirit literally withering. This never weakened my resolve to live Jewishly, but some days I just couldn’t bring myself to enact the values I knew I held in my heart. Some days Judaism felt like a beloved friend, and others Judaism felt like a stranger. Nevertheless I continued to live as Jewish a life I could, but even kindling the Chanukah candles felt joyless. I was like Tevye standing in the middle of the woods, anguished, as his horse refused to budge. Through all of it, though—the sadness, numbness, friction—I was never, ever, once deterred. That’s how life is sometimes. But to be a Jew, as our own Reb Tevye zealously insisted, you must have hope.

And I did. This is when Judaism became real to me, when I realized it was a part of my life and etched into my very being. If I could live Jewishly, study, be a part of my community and find solace while also dealing with these hardships, this was clearly meant to be. I’ve been using “us” and “we” pronouns for a few months now, referring to myself as Jewish even though I’ve yet to immerse in a mikveh. When our class visited the Holocaust museum, the loss and heartache I felt was profoundly intimate...a personal loss, the loss of family I never had the opportunity to know and love. I had never experienced anything like that before, and it continues to haunt me. I’ve been the target of hateful and ignorant remarks. People have glowered at my Magen David; they’ve called me names and insulted me. “Christ killer, money hoarder, dirty Jew.”

But, and I’m a bit weepy remembering this, living Jewishly (and loudly at that) is a blessing. Maybe two summers ago I catered to an older family for their son’s graduation party. An uncle approached me, blinked at my Magen David and muttered “bless you.” I was visibly shaken; I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Later in the evening the grandmother touched my shoulder and asked, “are you Jewish?” I told her I was a conversion student. She embraced me, dug out dreidels from her kitchen drawer, and told me that she was separated from her Judaism during childhood. That it was too dangerous for her to practice, that she wanted to go back to synagogue now that she was safe. I encouraged her daughter to finally have her bar mitzvah. My heart was full. Another memory I’m fond of: wishing a stranger chag Pesach sameach and Shabbat Shalom on the street. He was wearing a kippah. The smile on that man’s face was unforgettable.

Those moments, to me, were godly. Actions are a conduit of holiness; I’ve learned that over the years. To act with intent and sanctify the mundane is second nature to us. A bracha, a kind word, charity, song...everything is a vessel for godliness.

Fast forward a bit: 2019. As I grew into my adult identity, so did I into my Jewish identity. I had my 18th birthday, graduated, passed my driving test. I began to wrap my hair on Shabbat, meditate on the Sh’ma swathed in a tallit, give tzedakah. Often times I sat in the little CRC classroom and pondered on the application of my learning: how it translated into my everyday life, how it reconciled with my values as a progressive woman in today’s society...but mostly, I think, I thought about how at home I felt. I walk into CRC and immediately feel at peace; a part of a family, the member of a loving household. I walk into the sanctuary and about a dozen people are ready to greet me with big, heartfelt smiles. It melts me every single time.

Alright, I’ll quit boring you with all this schmaltz.

I’m not sure that there was one definite moment when I knew, for sure, that being Jewish was the right choice for me. In fact, to assume all that soul searching could fit into one tiny, fleeting, ephemeral moment is ridiculous...as you know from the absurd length of this letter, which is only a minute fraction of my story. Seriously, I could go on, and on, and on; but I digress. Sitting at our Sukkot celebration and dancing with all the other people, looking up through the sukkah and marveling at the hanging plants and leaves. Baking challah on Friday morning and realizing that somewhere, other Jewish women are doing the exact same thing. Feeling warm summer wind on my face, seeing fireflies flicker through the bushes and knowing that HaShem is there. Touching my siddur to the Torah for the first time and bristling, feeling as though something breathed new life into me. Group Aliyah, a guiding hand on my shoulder as we chant the brachot in clumsy unison…

Each moment (and many more, and yet more to come) reaffirmed the fact that Judaism is my home. Ruth said it more succinctly and eloquently than I ever could: Your people shall be my people, and your God shall be my God.

Randy, I never thought I’d be doing this. Ever. Looking back at the learning and growing I’ve done, reading those journals and reminiscing on my journey, I can firmly say, if you agree, I’m ready to enter this Covenant officially.

Thank you for everything, as always,

Zoë

[freefallersunite]

Lavender & Violence

By Chanelle Coates

  Violet felt things very deeply. On the one hand, she oculd not envision a life free from strong emotions, on the other, it was often difficult to fall asleep at night or function soundly during the day. She wondered what it would be like to fall in love. It was already a descent that made normal people less acquainted with their sanity. What would it possibly do to her?

She wondered this in the mornings when she swished spearmint mouthwash and spat into the sink. She wondered on the city bus as she rode down to campus. Sometimes her heart felt like it would burst from happiness when she listened to a new song. What on Earth would happen if a boy’s lips brushed near her ear and whispered her name and what would her heart do if they travelled to her mouth and made contact there? She pondered this foreign subject often but she never did so more than when she was in her Novelist’s of Canada class.

Logan sat in the seat next to hers, and by default they would often pair up when they had to do in class assignments. The cleverly crafted questions posed on the sheets by their teacher were either absurd or absurdly difficult. They would be stuck on number one for a year and then make a team decision to skip it. Then they would laugh together because the next question was structured exactly the same way. Laughing was a curious bridge; it connected two people together and contracted, pulling the riverbanks closer together. Each time Logan laughed, she was surprised she didn’t fall to the floor and die a most blissful death. But she managed to remain on upright on her chair and watched the irises of his eyes spin around fast like vinyl records, lit up with a hazel light. But they always laughed about the class material; it was never a personal joke. She craved something that went below this surface camaraderie.

Each night she wished on eleven eleven that they would go on a tangent. She begged the flat red numbers of her alarm clock to teleport into his heart and inspire him to get to know her. Then she would take the miniature glass bottle on her dresser and sprinkle her pillowcase with lavender drops. She climbed into bed and took deep inhalations. On the exhale small fractions of her stress would escape through the crack under her door and it would wait for her in the hallway until the next morning. One night, after performing this ritual, she slipped into the alternate consciousness of sleep and was standing in a field of lavender. The moon shone and when she looked up all the stars began falling out the sky. Suddenly, she was standing on a lake of light. Then she dove in and the rest of her night was dreamless.

The next morning, Violet drank from the water bottle by her bed and got dressed in an outfit she has never worn in public. She decided that if she didn’t step outside her comfort zone a little more, she wouldn’t age well. She would be sporting flat gray hair and a miserable scowl soon enough. She was young but she wasn’t stupid. A year would pass, and then five, then that five would turn into thirty. She grabbed a mason jar that had been sitting on her desk for a few days and unscrewed the lid. It was a spontaneous moment of inspiration but she figured it was worth a shot. She opened her bedroom door and at once the mist of stress and fear rose up from the floor and flew at her with the intention of entering through her pores. But she was agile and held the jar in front of her like a weapon, scooping the enemy and imprisoning it with the cap. She made sure it was tightly sealed and shoved it into her underwear drawer. With that out of the way and some newfound force in her muscles, she went to do her makeup.

She looked at the final product: her eyebrows were soft brown perfection and something about the red leggings and cropped hoodie made her waste look like a beacon and her teeth look like new porcelain. Violet ate her cereal and then took the city bus to school, floating on her chair the whole way down. She couldn’t wait to see Logan. It was near the end of the semester and if she was going to make a connection, today would have to be the day.

But the class came around at 11:30 and although she had had the best intentions, she couldn’t bring herself to ask those dumb questions she had prepared all morning. “How was your weekend?” “Whoa, I really like your sweater, where’d you get it from? Oh sweet, yea handmade things are always the best!” When he walked in and sat next to her, she tried to speak but the hesitation delayed her and then the teacher started talking. As seconds and minutes trickled by, each occasion felt less like an opportunity. She thought she would sound stupid or fake. Why would she ask him things like this on the very last day when she hadn’t done so all semester? It’s as if the purple mist could teleport. A glass jar was perhaps insufficient when it was so used to being in her head and chest. It found it’s way back to her so fast she hadn’t noticed until it was heavy and there.

 “I’m hoping to have the grades posted in two weeks time. No promises though! Now get outta here.” The professor dismissed them and that was it. No relationship with Logan. Barely even a friendship. This is what all her daydreams had amounted to: absolutely nothing.

But then something happened. He opened the door for her. This was the first ttime it was obvious. No holding the door while walking out and not really looking back. No question of whether it was for her or someone else. He opened it, smiled and let her walk through. She was so happy that a gust of wind unhooked fifteen maple leaves from their branches. They fell down like confetti.

“Thanks. By the way I really like your sweater.” She knew it sounded little rushed but she made herself do it quickly before she could back down.

“Thanks! My grandmother knit it for me actually.”

“Cool! Handmade is always the best.”

They had a small conversation and even though they didn’t discuss much, she couldn’t believe it was happening. It was a little nerve-racking but all in all it went well. Why had she fallen in love with this guy the second she met him and paint him out to be some kind of god? She had glorified his looks and convinced herself that he was unattainable to the point where she could hardly speak. A person wasn’t supposed to be attained. But this was not impossible, this was-

“Hey do you want to exchange numbers?”

“Oh! Ya, sure.”

A day later he texted her “Hey, how’s it going?”. A week later they wee on their first date. Logan knocked on her apartment door at 7 o’clock and she could hear it from the bathroom. The mirror was so shiny in this moment that she wondered if it was made of crystal. She could see every one of her flaws but she could also see her sheer red lip and the little curls near the nape of her neck. She took everything in and then a deep breath. She laced up her shoes, completely aware that he could see her through the window pane. And then she made her hand open the door, a door to a world full of color and violence. It threatened her constant practice of taking deep inhalations and smelling lavender. It was a world full of anxiety but also of greater possibilities and that’s what made it worth it. From behind his back, Logan handed her a blue cup with a straw instead of a bouquet.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Liquid luck.”

“So alcohol then?”

“Vodka to be precise.”

“And you just want me to drink that and trust that you haven’t done anything to it?”

“Violet you can do whatever you want.”

For better or worse, she thought “fuck it”. She sipped once and then took his outstretched hand. Things were happening so fast but they were good and she didn’t want them to stop. He led her across the road to the bus stop, letting go of her hand to fish change out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Are we taking the bus anywhere?”

“Kind of.” he answered, grinning.

“What do you mean kind of?” But he only answered with another smile.

“Ah. There it is.” he said, indicating the bus with a glance up the hill. Her handed her $3, 25 and when the massive prism came rolling to a halt he let her get on first. Then he put his hand on her back and guided her to the end of the bus.

“So…” Logan took a sip from the cup then gave it to her and she did the same. “I was thinking you could tell me all your favorite things because one I’m curious and two so that I can be better equipped. For example, knowing your favorite flower would help with that. How’s that sound?” He raised his eyebrows and Violet could hardly understand how attractive he was.

“That sounds good but on one condition.”

“What’s that?” he asked, amused.

“You’ve got to tell me all your favorite things too.” She was glad that this playfulness was coming easily to her. These quick sentences were popping into her head like gifts and she genuinely wanted to know more about him, so that helped.

“Okay deal. Tulips.”

“Your favorite flower?” she laughed.

“Hey! They remind me of when I went to Europe. Yours?”

“Yellow roses. They remind me of my grandmother’s garden in the summertime.”

“Lovely. Okay, what’s your favorite season?”

“Spring.” She looked at him expectantly.

“Summer, for sure.”

They continued like this for some time and Violet forgot to look out the windows to figure out where they were headed. In fact, she was having so much fun she didn’t even care if they got off the bus. After about fifty minutes, Logan stood and so she did too. They got off and when it grew apparent that they were waiting for another bus, she asked him “Logan, is your idea of a first date Smirnoff and 2 hours of public transport?”

“You forgot the favorite game and the getting to know each other! And I prefer to think of it as riding city buses at night with a very beautiful girl. It sounds nicer. Is this a subpar first date?”

“No. No actually it’s the best date I’ve ever been on. Granted, the only date. But the best by far!” At this they laughed and looked at one another for a long moment which faded out their laughter and everything else. Violet looked at his face and took everything in, her gaze resting on his lips last. In due time, his mouth was pressed against hers. She felt like this was the singular best place in the world. Forget Paris or the Grand Canyon or Rome. This place with him was all three of those and more. There were stars in her head and oceans in her stomach, prairie fields in her chest. She had never felt like this before; the was no slight desire to be anywhere else but there.

Another bus rolled up beside them and its noise made them pull away. His smile confirmed that he enjoyed this place as much as she did.

One morning, about a month later, Violet woke up without her alarm clock. Instead she had given herself the gentle liberty of sleeping in and letting the sunlight wake her up. The purple entity had been acting weird lately. She knew it was always there, ready to pounce but… it simply hadn’t. After getting over the initial fear of talking to Logan, their interactions were simply fun and meaningful and there was little time to worry.

She got out of bed and warmed up with a shower. As she lathered yellow shampoo gel into her scalp, YouTube sung songs to her. The melodies were conducive to particular imagery in her head. His eyes and his face close to hers. His hands and the sound of his breath catching. They were supposed to go to the Christmas-themed fireworks in the park that night and it would be a long day waiting for him to pick her up.

Violet told herself she would do some reading until then but her mind was untamable. Instead she chose outfits and did laundry. She tried on clothes and blasted music from her color-changing i-Home in order to make the purple mist cower under her bed. She felt like her Logan were getting closer and closer and she found herself wanting him more and more. She didn’t know how far things would go later.

At the fireworks, Logan stood behind her and both his and her hands were in Violet’s mittens because he had forgotten his own. Everyone’s breath rose up in the air like they were all collaborating to create a fog machine. Then the first crack sounded and colors began bursting. For minutes, green, red, silver, gold and blue were jumping, twisting and raining in the sky. Both children and adults gasped and after about seven minutes, Violet realized something: it was like she had jumped off a cliff in a cartoon. She was suspended in the air for some moments, but as soon as she realized she was going to fall, she plummeted. She was falling in love fast and hard with this boy an she couldn’t do anything to stop it or lessen the impact. A massive purple firework exploded in the sky but she closed her eyes. She turned around and kissed him deeply and then said “Race you to the car!” Without questioning her he began sprinting and they flew under trees and around part of the lake, up the hill to the parking lot.

Logan reached the car first and announced his victory. “I beat you!” he exclaimed, panting.

“That’s cause I gave you a head start!”

“Are you kidding? You started running before me!”

Violet ran to him and jumped into his arms, kissing him.

 “Let’s go to my apartment Logan.” It was the most agonizing five minute car ride of her life.

They ran up to her room, shedding their outerwear here and there on the stairs. A winter boot went flying into the wall and bounced onto the landing. Everything outside the room simply ceased to exist. She hardly knew where to put her hands because she wanted to put them everywhere. And she did.

The next morning, they didn’t have the chance to lay in bed and absorb the fact that they had sex. All Violet wanted to do was rest in his arms and breathe slowly. Instead, Logan’s phone rang and she could hear the person on the other end crying, his mother likely. He jumped up and dressed within seconds.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I gotta go. Sorry but I gotta go.”

She darted to the front window and watched his red car pull out of the driveway and speed down the road. It was like watching fire travel down a line of gasoline. She knew something was wrong with his family and she felt paralyzed that he hadn’t taken three seconds to tell her what it was. She flicked on her bedroom light and to her shock the whole room was bathed in purple. The bulb had been changed in the night.

All day she agonized over what to do. Be a supportive girlfriend and drive over to his house? What if he just wanted to be with his family? What if he didn’t want to be held? She would probably embarrass herself in the process of trying to comfort him. She wouldn’t know what to say. What if someone he loved died? How could she be thinking of herself right now? But no matter how much she tried to force herself to be a supportive girlfriend, to be a decent human, she could not escape this paralysis. The purple mist was coiling around her throat and solidifying all week. Violet did not text him, call him, or see him. She did not reach out and help the person she loved because she felt like anything she did would fall short. And so she shut herself into her room and breathed purple air, suffocating from her own inadequacy.

It took a whole year before she stopped feeling ashamed and lovesick. All four seasons had to pass before she could accept that she had failed someone on such a level and that that needn’t define her forever. She had regretted ever opening up to another person, ever thinking she could outsmart the purple for one second. She scolded herself for being so foolish.

But then after another year, she went to the swimming pool and couldn’t help but notice the lifeguard. She realized she was going to try again, despite past pain and regardless of how many times she swore she would never be fooled twice. She smiled at the lifeguard while walking by him and dove into the purple pool.