#(good thing it is on my secondary blog x'D)

[micahthemoon]

August 23 2023 This will be another one where I’ll let myself just rant. Be warned. It’s probably just the period brain talking but I really need somebody to tell me that they’d still like me if I put on weight. Even more importantly, I need them to be sincere when they say it.

I find it so hard not to obsess over my body these days. How a part of me really wants to weight myself all the time to figure out if the dread I’m feeling is rational and if I actively must do more to keep my weight lowish or not. At the same time, I fear losing myself to constantly feeling the need to lose more bodyweight because in the end this is not what I want my life to be about. I want to live a life when I don’t have to care about my looks and just be happy and feel loved and supported. But…

It seems that only after making a conscious decision to lose weight, I have had people complimented my looks (emphasizing the weight loss in the most cases) and I only started to not risk losing my chance at top surgery. This high emphasis on my weight has only made me more afraid of putting it on again because will people then stop caring about me? Will I be left to rot by the healthcare system? If nobody is around to support me, will I have enough strength to love and support myself?

And that is why I need to know that all this love won’t go away if I put on weight again: if I become chubby or get a tummy or “let myself go” or whatever you’d like to call it. I want to know I’m lovable despite my looks. Because I know it’s possible for a Finnish cisman rapper with a bowl cut to have tons of fans that love him and adore him despite (or in some cases somewhat because of) his beer belly. But how will I know that that also applies to me: a transmasculine nonbinary person bound to follow the rules of a healthcare system that won’t offer t or surgeries to people over a specific body weight?