#(forgot to include long ass fanfictions. there’s a lot of that too)

[lesbianusahana]

I have wildly underestimated how hard it is finding content of SkyIanders characters of all things. Trying to find stuff of Sņap Shot is like that scene from Monsters Inc where Sully and Mike are abandoned in the artic and Sully frantically opens and shuts the door that brought them there to no avail

[whore4teamcap]

Partners Against Crime

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: After your boyfriend takes a promotion, you’re assigned a new partner. How will you both deal with the separation and potential of someone getting in the way? 

Warnings: This fanfiction does revolve around law enforcement but I will not include any controversies. 

Word Count: 2.4k

A/N: Thank you @stucky-my-ship for requesting this! I’m so excited to turn this into a series. Hope you enjoy <3 Thank you so much to those who read! Feedback and interactions are heavily appreciated. Also! Please reach out if you would like to be tagged in future parts and my other projects.

Part 1

You flickered your eyes open as a blaring noise came from beside you. No matter how many years of experience you had with this job, you swore you would never get used to this schedule. Even when you were starting out as a beat cop everything seemed easier. It was probably just the adrenaline from coming straight out of the academy but then your life changed. You were promoted from beat and finally landed your goal job as a detective. You dreamed of being a detective ever since you were little. You smiled softly at the memory of you sneaking downstairs to watch tv behind your parents backs. Often finding yourself glued to crime shows; they fueled your desires to take down criminals.

You throw your arm toward the side table and shut off the alarm. Then you proceed to roll over and frown at the empty bed space beside you. Your boyfriend, James Barnes, well you called him Bucky, just got promoted to Sergeant. He was officially in charge of the precinct you both worked at. Which was both a blessing and a curse. You were so proud of Bucky, he finally got the promotion he has been working his ass off for and the new job came with a lot of good things for him.

But, you couldn't hide the fact that it was gonna severely weigh on you. You and Buck had been partners since you first got promoted to detective. You both really clicked from that day forward. It was gonna take a lot to get used to not having him by your side. In this line of work you need a person you can trust one thousand percent. At the end of the day this person is in charge of your life and you're in charge of theirs. Bucky was the definition of what a partner meant to you. Which is why it was no shock that three years later you both shared an apartment and ended up falling in love. However you just knew the promotion would put a damper on that as well. You had to keep your affair hidden from the precinct and trusted very few people. When you moved in with Bucky, you weren't even allowed to update your address so every now and then you'd make your way over to your old place to pick up mail. Luckily, you hit it off with your old landlord and he helps with anything and everything you need. Although you were certain he did it to eventually get a legal favor. But you didn't mind. It bought you time with the man you love.

Being that the precinct didn't know about you and Bucky, you couldn't stop yourself from worrying about the future. He was no longer your equal. He was your boss and you were terrified of the thought of someone finding out about your relationship. It could get both of you fired or moved to different precincts. Which was the better of the two, but it would be hard to work without each other. You strongly believed what made you best at your job was having him beside you. Or at least in the same work place. This mindset also made you question if your relationship would ever progress more than it was. Of course you wanted to eventually marry Bucky but how would that work with your jobs? There were so many obstacles the two of you faced and it made you even more stressed for your first day without him.

While groaning, you rub your face. Then you gain the strength to pull yourself from the half empty bed. You make your way to the bathroom and turn on the water. Giving it time to heat up while you go grab a towel and pick out clothes for your day. After showering and getting ready, you stepped out of your shared room. The apartment is small and cozy. New York was an expensive city to live in but you both made it work. When you were looking for apartments, you didn't care where you ended up just as long as we were with each other. Being that the apartment was tiny, you could see straight into the kitchen from the hallway. Your eyes fell straight on a note besides the partially full coffee pot. You smile to yourself and walk over. You lift it off the counter and begin to read,

Good morning Doll

I hope you slept well. I left early this morning to get a head start on everything at the station. I made us coffee. I hope it's still good by the time you wake up.

Yours,

Bucky

P.S. Please grab our usual at the deli before you come in

You let out a brief chuckle at the final sentence written on the piece of paper. You grab a travel mug from the cabinet and place it in front of you. Then you proceed to grab the pot and pour it into the cup. After adding creamer and sugar, you bring the cup to your lips and take a small sip. The coffee was good but on the colder side. Therefore you pop it in the microwave while you quickly grab your belongings. When you hear the beep, you remove it and put the lid on. Carrying everything with you out of the door.

While driving to work, you swing by the deli up the road from your apartment building. You park on the busy New York street and quickly get out of your car and run inside. The bell above the door dings and Frank and Linda look up from behind the counter. You shoot them a large smile and they quickly return. The deli was owned by this sweet older couple since the early 70s. They were so kind to you and really cared for their regulars. So much so, they memorized Bucky and your order. Sometimes even having it ready before you arrive in the mornings.

"Good morning (y/n)! Where's Bucky?" Frank asks, his welcoming smile fading into a light frown. He walks toward the edge of the counter to meet you.

"Good morning! He went in early. First day of the new promotion. I'm still gonna bring him breakfast though," you explained while Linda grabbed a brown paper bag from the far counter and brought it toward you.

"Oh! Please tell him we wish him well, would you? We remember like it was yesterday when you both started coming in here. You've come a very long way and were so proud of you both," Linda said kindly. Her words turn your cheeks a dark shade of pink.

You could remember that day like it was yesterday as well. Bucky brought you here on your first day of the job and you've been coming to Frank's since.

-

"Why don't we stop and get food before we start our case? I know this amazing deli a few blocks away from the station," Detective Barnes suggests and you nod.

His gaze stays on you while you both get into his car. You slide into the passenger seat then proceed to put your seat belt on. You watch him do the same then start the car.

"So how long have you been a detective?" you ask softly, fiddling with your notebook and pen in your lap.

"Bout' 5 years or so. Rogers, the guy you met back at the precinct, he was my partner. We go way back," He replies while he pulls out of his parking spot. Beginning to make his way up the block.

You watched the busy street and took everything in with new eyes. You lived in New York your whole life but the city was still new to you. Your gaze shifts to your partner and you blushed lightly. His dark hair, calming smile and kind personality seemed to draw you in. But you pushed those thoughts away. This was professional and you knew that. However you found yourself incredibly lucky to be partnered with someone who already gave you such a welcoming homely feeling.

"Whatcha thinking about, (y/l/n)?" he asks. Shifting his attention from the road to you. His eyes connected with yours and suddenly all of your first day jitters went away.

His eye snapped back to the road and he began puling to a stop. Veering off to the right side of the road into an empty parking spot. Once his eyes snapped away, you took a deep breath and looked away as well.

"Just trying to get a good read on my partner. Making sure he's not dirty or part of something that'll get me killed," you say jokingly. You let out a laugh at your own stupid explanation and Barnes' attention quickly turned back to you. The corners of his mouth instantly went up and he shot you a toothy grin.

"Don't worry. If you're with me long enough. I'd let you in on my dirty cop side. No need to fear for your life," He joked back. Holding up his hands as if he were surrendering.

"All about the money in the end, isn't it Barnes?" You asked, continuing this forming inside joke.

"Oh definitely."

You both get out of the vehicle and you notice a big sign above the small deli. The name reading FRANK'S. You both walk inside and you smile as you're greeted by a seemingly older couple. You have been to countless deli's in New York State but this one gave you a great feeling. You didn't have family in the city. So it amazed you how quickly strangers could become such a crucial piece in your life.

-

She hands the order to you and you begin to pull out your wallet. Frank instantly puts his hand up and smiles, "Please it's on the house today. Also don't forget your coffee! Feel free to grab one for Bucky too."

"Thank you so much," was all you managed to reply with. Their utter kindness always brought so much love to your heart.

You notice you forgot the mugs so you walk out of the shop toward your car. You unlock it and pull on the passenger side door. You put the food in your car. Then lean over and grab your nearly empty travel mug from home and the spare from your car. You bring them inside so you can quickly fill them up before making a b line to work.

When you arrive, you walked into the precinct with your hands full. Doing your best to carefully get to your desk. You notice Bucky making himself at home in his new office and you can't help but feel an overwhelming amount of happiness for your boyfriend. He looks so excited and you were so incredibly proud of him. You set your coffee down then pull out your breakfast sandwich placing it on your desk. You grab the brown bag and Bucky's coffee wasting no time before you walk into his office. The man instantly looks up from his papers with a smile.

"Good morning beautiful. Is that for me?" He asks softly, keeping his voice low enough so no one hears.

"Good morning Sergeant Barnes," you say with a small smirk growing on your lips. You move closer to the desk and set everything down. "Linda and Frank gave us our food for free today. They wanted to congratulate you on the promotion. They're very proud of you."

"That's very kind of them. I needed this. Thanks for picking up the food. Rogers told me to come in early and I'm kinda glad I did because he was able to give me the full run down. Hopefully everything goes smoothly from here on out. Although it was weird coming in alone. I hope that won't become a regular thing. Despite the headache, I love our chaotic mornings," Bucky explains followed by a small chuckle. Your mind instantly recalls how usually your mornings consisted of you both fighting for space to get ready. Except you also both secretly adored the morning due to the fact Bucky loves to wake you up with light kisses.

"I agree. I really hope it's not regular. I already lost my partner, the last thing I want to lose is alone time with my boyfriend," you sigh then force a slight laugh. You didn't mean for it to come off in an upsetting way, but you realized it did when the room fell silent.

"Is my new partner coming in today?" You ask curiously, unable to find anything but awkwardness after your statement. You pay close attention to his face and notice a sour look appear. Maybe he wasn't taking it as well as you thought.

"Yeah. He should be in soon," Bucky replies and you nod. You walk out of his office and make your way to your own desk.

You unwrap your sandwich and use one hand to eat and the other to flip through your files. Taking in all of the new information for the case you are starting. You quickly finish your food then you take a large sip of your coffee. You haven't been given any information on your new partner so you wanted to make sure you knew as much as you could about your mutual assignment. Just in case you were stuck with someone inexperienced.

After about a half hour of being lost in thought while analyzing your papers, Bucky's strong voice fills the room. You look up and catch his gaze. He motions for you to come toward him; you get up from your chair and follow behind him into his office. Inside you see a man sitting in one of the two chairs across from Bucky's. He had on black dress pants, a light blue button up shirt and a black blazer. The outfit complimented his body quite well. Your focus moves up to his face, noticing his piercing blue eyes and his slightly long blonde hair. You hear a fake cough come from Bucky and instantly look at him.

"Detective (y/l/n), this is your new partner. You guys will be working the Reagan case together."

The man stands up from his chair and eyes you up and down. He finally extends his hand to you and you shake it.

"Hi, I'm Detective John Walker."

[seriouslysam8]

I’ve spent that last 3 days mourning over the fact that baby girl potter won’t be canon in your universe. I fell in love with this baby and now I feel like we’ve lost her lol. Even if she’ll exist in a one-shot, it’s not the same. However, I would never want you to do something you’d regret, so I understand. On one hand, I’m like, “If she writes baby girl potter into the universe and regrets it, she can’t change it” but on the other hand, I’m like “If she doesn’t write her in, it will be too late, and she could really regret that as well.” I’m still fighting for her, and hoping you’ll try to make it work, but I think we’ve lost this battle. I’ve spent the last 48 hours trying to find an author who writes Harry and Ginny having another kid that late, but I can’t find any - it’s a pretty original idea, so it’s not written by anyone else. Too bad I suck at writing LMFAO! I was just going through the asks from last week and all the comments, and I forgot how funny all the skits people sent in were. Especially the ones about the family teasing Harry and Ginny. I hope that if you at least write the one-shot (or I’m hoping you’ll consider a disconnected chaptered story) that you include some of those lines! They have me either laughing my ass off or crying of cuteness. Maybe one of these people can write it! The idea is just so Hinny. I’m still hoping you’ll keep thinking about it, but if she just ends up living in a one-shot, that’s alright. I will read whatever you write because you are an extraordinary author and SO talented. Your stories and one shots bring me so much joy and emotion, and it’s incredible. Hopefully you write fanfciton for many many more years! I’ll be here! I hope you have a wonderful day 💗💗

It’s just a really big change to the universe. I just can’t commit to that and change all my plans for things. If I was going to give Hinny more kids, I would have done it sooner. Part of me wishes I had but oh well!

When I have time, I will start to write the one-shot unless someone else would like to. I really need to get ahead on writing Legerdemain again.

I hope I’m writing Hinny fanfiction for a long time as well. Although I’ve been getting a lot of negative reviews and messages that have been putting me down lately. I’m trying to push those aside and realize I can’t please everyone.

[certifiedskywalker]

Being Best Friends with Klaus Hargreeves Would Include...

Anonymous said: Hey, not sure if you've done anything similar to this before but could I request 'Being best friends with Klaus Hargreeves would include...' I love your blog, thank you! x

I’m baaaaaaack (at least for a bit!)! Enjoy and cut me some slack as it’s been a while since I’ve written fanfiction; especially TUA fanfic!

It’s not entirely his own fault but Klaus is not the greatest influence.

So if you have a rather cautious personality, be prepared to do things far outside of your comfort zone.

If you’re more attuned to Klaus’ chaos, be prepared to get on the wildest ride of your life and probably definitely get into trouble.

If chaos is your thing you might become more cautious around Klaus! Who knows!

Either way you lean, you’re going to get used to the turbulence that comes with Klaus.

Perhaps that’s why you’re so close to begin with.

When he was younger, Klaus was rebellious to combat the structure of his Father’s schedules and training regimes.

Sadly, he could never really rebel enough to free himself entirely.

Aside from his brothers and sisters, Klaus didn’t have friends. 

So, when he met you, he dived in head first; all the good, bad, and the ugly.

It was after what Klaus remembers/believes was his first big bender when he found himself in a coffee shop, studying the menu with glossy eyes. 

It was one of your first jobs, working as a barista/baker. 

Klaus was wearing a long, faux fur line jacket, a pink crop top, and jorts (jean shorts). 

Because of his piece-meal outfit, you couldn’t take your eyes off of him.

That and he was holding up the line as he debated what he had the munchies for. 

“What would you get…”

“What?” You raised your brows at him, surprised he finally spoke up.

“What would you get if you had stayed up for three days straight, wine tasti-wine hoarding really, and raving in the best clubs of the city?”

“An aspirin and a chai latte probably.”

“Ah! Yes! A chai latte sounds ammaazing right now. Maybe a cookie too.”

“Snickerdoodle?”

“It’s like you can read my mind! Wait, can you? At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

After he got his cookie and his chai latte, the strangely dressed man made himself comfortable in the coffee shop.

After a few hours, Klaus was what your manager considered loitering.

Hell, after the last few hours of your shift and Klaus still lingered, your manager offered to walk you to your car.

“I think he’s just…”

You looked over and saw him, Klaus, idly twirling a pair of sunglasses between his fingers.

“...he’s just lost.”

When you had gathered your things and cleaned up after your shift, you wandered over to where he sat.

It took a moment before he took notice of you but when he did, he stood up quickly.

“Hey you,” he said in a rushed breath (somehow it still sounded flirtatious). 

“Hey, uh, I’m Y/N.”

“Oh! What a lovely name!”

He extended his hand to you and you finally saw the tattoos on his palm.

“I’m Klaus, my dear. Care for an adventure?”

That first ‘adventure’ was one that you would remember forever.

Klaus took you to his favorite second-hand shop and you thrifted horrendous articles of clothing.

You still have an incredibly chunky, cable-knit sweater from that day; when you miss Klaus, you wear it.

Klaus bought two wigs, decent wigs, with what money he had.

Outside, Klaus turned to you and grinned.

“Put this on, will you?”

“Pink isn’t re-”

He was already tugging the wig over your head.

“Pink is so your color, trust me,” he gestured to himself, “I know style.”

When he donned the other, curly haired, wig, Klaus led you to an array of establishments with less than welcoming atmospheres where you ‘borrowed’ some merchandise.

Klaus has not mercy for racist or homophobic stores/companies and ‘borrows’ from them often. 

Klaus nearly got caught, he lost his wig in the fray.

You had never felt more alive.

You had never smiled wider.

It was thrilling; he was thrilling. 

But he wasn’t thrilling all the time. 

After that day, you and Klaus were attached to the hip and you learned there were other parts to him outside of the bubbling, endearing chaos.

His addictions became startlingly apparent.

During his many sleep overs, he would search through your cabinets, your fridge, any other place he could think of, for booze.

“Klaus?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Whatcha doing?”

“Hunting for our dinner, what’s it look like.”

You set a limit on the number of drink he was allowed to have when he stayed over at your place (which was quite often). 

You didn’t want him to suffer but you didn’t want him black-out drunk, or high either.

Overall, you tried to rein in his drug use; for his own sake. 

When he isn’t wasted, Klaus tries to keep himself busy in other ways.

This meant a lot more ‘adventures’ for the two of you. 

Small trips to cultural grocery stores to try different foods

Thrift shopping; because Klaus is always looking to add to this wardrobe. 

You draw the line at dumpster diving.

“You’re missing out, Y/N! When I lived in LA for a week, this is how I survived.”

“You lived in LA?”

“For a time. Lots of bikinis...roller skates too.”

Other times you and Klaus would just walk around the city talking.

The two of you would create fantasy lives for the people you passed by, giving them wild powers like Klaus and his siblings.

Sometimes you would listen to Klaus talk about his siblings.

Your favorite stories to listen to were about Ben.

“After that, pigeons never seemed to land on the roof. Too scared I think. Ben and I did too good of a job.”

“Sounds like he was an amazing guy.”

“Yeah, he was. He likes y- I, he would have liked you.”

You tell him about your family, about your own struggles.

Through this sharing, this walks and talks, you both grow closer.

These winding walks often end at Griddy’s diner. 

“Slap me on the ass and call me Bessy, I forgot how good strawberry donuts are!”

When you return back home, your place, but Klaus calls it home, you settle in.

Klaus will braid his hair, offer to try to braid yours.

“Please, it keeps me busy.”

“What would you do without me?”

“Die of boredom, or just die, probably.”

If you both have a night cap drink before bed, you guys might dance.

Klaus tries to teach you a few moves before giving up.

“Just feel the music, my dear, feel it.”

Eventually, you both collapse and cuddle for a bit.

Klaus is a big fan of platonic cuddling so prepare for that.

Movie nights!

Due to his ‘training’ and his powers, Klaus tends to stay away from horror films so get ready for rom-coms and cheesy action movies.

“Have you ever wanted to do that?”

Klaus has a habit of asking questions during the movie; none of which are crucial to the plot of said movie.

“What?”

“If we got a boat, would you do the whole ‘I’m king of the world’ bit?”

“I mean, why wouldn’t I do it?”

“My thoughts exactly.”

There are nights when you can hear him whimpering from the couch where he sleeps.

Those nights, you creep out of your room and wake him up.

“Bad dream?”

Klaus never responds to the question, ever.

Instead, he curls up next to your and you play with his hair until he falls asleep again. 

The next morning, over coffee, you try to get him to talk about it.

Sometimes he does, other times he distracts from the topic.

Either way, you hug him.

“I’m here for you, Klaus.”

“I’m here for you too. Otherwise, I’m homeless.”

He is always trying to set you up with people.

You’ll be working at the coffee shop and he’ll come up and pretend to buy something just to tell you: “table in the far corner. They’ve been glancing your way a lot.”

“Klaus….they’re waiting for their order.”

“Oh. Well, you never know.”

That always leaves you smiling.

It’s hard not to be happy with Klaus as your best friend.

Even when he’s down or you’re down, the two of you together seem to lift one another up.

Being Klaus’ friend means having fun and feeling, feeling so much.

You feel his past pain, his struggle, his grief, in the same turn you feel his joy, his wonder, and his spark for good.

And in that, you inspire each other to do and be better.

[violexides]

I totally get what you mean about the DreamSMP tags not making a clear distinction between character and creator. Like, all of the character and ship tags have "Video Blogging RPF" in parentheses which means they're talking about the actual content creators, even though I'm sure some of them just mean the characters. But, the tags for the characters are basically nonexistent, which could be very dangerous. I mean, look no further than the garbage fire that was Eddsworld. That distinction NEEDS to be made for everyone involved, especially since some of the content creators are minors.

I swear if I ever get around to writing DreamSMP fics I'm gonna make my own tags for it and write an essay in the notes about the important of distinction in tags. I don't want an Eddsworld 2

yes!!! 

i think that at this point, dreamSMP should... be its own tag? because trying to traverse through fics with dreamSMP characters is fairly difficult because, due to the tagging which i’ll get to in a second, you can’t exactly eyeball which one is about the real people and which one is about the characters too well? there’s virtue in the fact that sometimes there are tags that will clue you into it being about the roleplay, but, a lot of it is sort of just. muddled. and there’s no way to exactly avoid that because there’s not going to be a tag in video blogging RPF that warns you that it’s... video blogging RPF, so. 

and with the tags as you mentioned, it’s kind of highly distressing because, since it’s in the RPF section, the streamers’ names consist of as much... detail... as possible. meaning that sometimes, their full fucking name is listed. this includes tubbo, a minor. this does not include another minor, ranboo, who just has it listed as ranboo, which makes me wonder why they can’t ALL just be their streamer names. like. putting a whole ass name of a fucking 17 year old as a tag is a lot.

add the fact that you sort of have to main tag because, since it’s fucking video blogging RPF, there’s very little way that if you don’t include popular tags, anyone will find it. the only way i can find dreamSMP fics amidst, like, all of that chaos, is by looking up the character tags. so it’s an issue.

it just. mm. it upsets me because fanfiction about the dreamSMP is so obviously not about the content creators because minecraft doesn’t have that verisimilitude that would cause confusion, fucking all of the characters are goddamn hybrids that carry these totems that mean they never die, like, it’s not exactly realistic and there isn’t a strong tie to the content creators when you write about fucking wars going on. but then throw that into video blogging RPF and other fanfictions that whump the literal people that you keep accidentally reading because the characters and the streamers share the common factor of using their name so all the synopses look vague, and you just. have an issue.

i don’t take a lot of fault in ao3′s tagging generally speaking-- ao3 has fucking GODTIER tagging and only a few times have i looked at something and gone “why is this phrased that way”-- but considering how many people have to tag dreamsmp as “Video Blogging RPF” “Minecraft (Video Game)” and “dreamsmp - Fandom”, i just wish we could have a collective tag for it. it would spare a lot of people from having to put those heavy disclaimers you mentioned, and it would make it a thousand times easier to traverse whatever the literal fuck it is at the moment. and then, they can just have another set of tags, or alter the current one, where it’s just “Ranboo” “Philza” “Technoblade” instead of fucking. “Phil [Last Name] | Philza (Video Blogging RPF)” or whatever the fuck it is right now.

i wrote a lot and idk if i covered everything but i woke up, saw this, and immediately got to typing, so.

edit: already forgot to mention something. especially since in dreamsmp there are like canotically married/divorced/adopted characters and shit, having THAT distinction even more is important. like, two minors have gotten canotically platonically married in the dreamSMP so you kind of have, like. gestures. a bit of a potential issue when it’s thrown into video blogging rpf. 

second edit: also, AUs for dreamSMP get kind of dicey, but that’s less of a whole tagging thing and more just food for thought.

third edit: just opened up another fic and holy shit are we going to unpack the fact that fucking BBH doesn’t even HAVE it as just his name-- it’s his full fucking name, there’s a separate tag that says that he’s BBH, so you have to tag his full name fucking twice to include him??? his full name??? like???

final thing i promise: okay actually i want to take back some things i said-- there is a way to tag the main relationships (for platonic and romantic) without including their full names though i think it defaults to that. this probably qualifies as a long post now so i am going to tag it as such.

[mcrmadness]

Madness draws: Behind the Scenes of the Bela/Farin: “Widumihei” comic.

A few months ago I posted here this comic:

CLICK HERE for the original post about that comic where you can see it in better and bigger size, and also reblog it ;)

And this post is just a deep dive into how I plan, do and draw my comics.

Let’s start with sketchbook things...

So every comic needs a story, right? My comics usually are born from either some dialogue I imagine in my head or by an impulsive inspiration that happens when I see something or talk with people and a random idea is triggered. I’m very good at coming up with new ideas solely based on just one word or so which is why I often ask people if they have anything they would want to see/read because I suck at coming up ideas on my own. Or I do get ideas, but not as often as I’d want to.

This particular idea was very old and I have tried but I cannot find the piece that was my inspiration but it was in some of my old German books because I remember laughing at it with either my brother or even with the German teacher in 2011 or 2012. I was only able to find my first “sketch” of the story:

This is in the notebook I used for writing down some comic ideas and even had one comic in it, plus it’s also my fanfiction writing notebook. It has no date but I know for sure it was either 2011 or 2012 because that’s when I did my last Bela/Farin comic and pretty much started my (unintentional) 6 year pause from drawing altogether.

I have always been trilingual when I do these plans for my comics, often writing the “narration” in Finnish and the dialog either in English or German because I just cannot imagine them to speaking Finnish. The translation of that text goes as:

COMIC (sarjis = sarjakuva = comic book in Finnish)

1. The phone is ringing. 2. F: “Widumihei?!” B: ? 3. B: “Farin wtf?” 4. Farin walks from another room. 5. B: “Widumihei?” 6. F: “It means, “will you marry me?”“ 7. B: *wtf* REPLAY:

1. Bela is sitting/laying somewhere. 2. The phone is ringing. Reached with his hand? 3. Looks at the phone, “wtf?”, a thought: “von Jan: Widumihei?!” 4. Bela: “Farin?” / “Jan?” 5. F comes from another room, looks in from behind the door frame or something. B: “Widumihei?” 6. F: “Widumihei: “WIllst DU MIch HEiraten”“ 7. B: “WTF”

So when I then started to draw these comics again in 2018, I kept thinking about this one too and still wanted to draw it one day. If you have read the finished comic, you may notice something different in the old plot versus new: I switched Bela’s and Farin’s roles. Back then I didn’t know too much yet but over the years I have learnt much much more about them and I just figured that asking to marry him even as a joke would be too much for Farin and that it would fit Bela’s persona much much better.

***

I had a bit of problems with getting started with this one, mainly because the last times I drew a dä comic was in June 2020, in April 2020 and before those in October 2019. Because of so long time between the comics, I just always forgot about my methods and in which order I do things and what works for me the best. So every time I started to work on a comic, I had to start completely over because all I had was blank paper and I somehow needed to get my thoughts in order and out of my head, into a physical form aka as text and images on the paper, and it’s easier said than done.

So pardon me but from this on the text is going to get a little bit confusing for a little while from now on - but it’s also a very good look over how the life with my suspected ADHD be like sometimes...

I started working on the plot once again to my sketchbook... I think it was somewhere in the beginning of 2020. Because the next idea there is from the summer. This is what the plot looked like at that point - here I had already switched their roles:

Shortly, the texts go: 1. Farin is reading a book. 2. A phone makes a noise. 3. (Farin) looks at it/read the message. / 6. B appears into the doorway. / 11. F spits out the tea.

And underneath it you can see one of the stick figure storyboards I often do in order to kinda see the text in pictures better, and I will write down or draw important aspects like expressions (Farin’s eyebrows) or things like *facepalm’* or *eyeroll* so that I remember to add them.

Next I was struggling with the era. It needed to be an era with the old mobile phones with SMS options but still not too early because I feel that Farin would have not been the first in line to buy a brand new technology object, especially not when it’s a phone. I was even googling when did Germany get their first mobile phone - I remember I got my first phone aka Nokia 5510 in 2000 or 2001 after my mom got a new one and gave her old one to me, so the story shouldn’t happen too many years before the Millenium.

Originally I planned 1997 for that - I needed to think about that based on their styles because shorter hair is harder to draw. Here’s me trying out some hairs and how they’re to draw and which era would suit my needs the best. I actually find the text hilarious altho it’s mine but this is what it’s in English:

Time period -> 1996-1997? 1998 I’ve never drawn 1999 is not that much fun to draw 2000 is already a bit too late? Bela not that much fun to draw. -2001 moustaches are not fun to draw?

I think I was struggling with my thoughts because the next thing in that sketchbook is yet another storyboard:

Or actually I think this was just to see how many sheets I’d need and how many panels I could fit on one sheet.

Anyhow, I then did other things for some time before I got back to this project this year. Including finishing with the sketchbook I had been using since 2010 (and the half of it since 2018!) and I had to get myself a new one. So when I started to think about this comic again, one night I was just thinking about some Bela/Farin scenarios as usual and suddenly I just felt that I NEED to do the comic in the 1998 style!!! So suddenly we jump from the original 1997 idea to the new era, only because of the colors. 

So asap I grabbed my sketchbook and started to look for the proper colors for the hairs:

This one I posted here before too as I was struggling a lot and just felt that I didn’t know how to draw, again. Sometimes when I feel like that, I start drawing with my non-dominant aka left hand because it doesn’t have all that in muscle memory so drawing and writing with it feels more free and it feels almost like pressing a refresh button in my brain. Suddenly the right one know again how to draw because left isn’t too well in control. The below part of the image is done completely with the left hand, including the coloring.

And because I had now a new sketchbook, I somehow couldn’t... deal with the plot and plans being in a different sketchbook than everything else so I had write the plot/dialog AGAIN, into this new sketchbook, along with the storyboards and everything:

Translations: kirja = book, puhelin = phone, oviaukossa = in the doorway, teet suusta = tea(s) out of a/the mouth. “Puhelin zoom” just means “close up to the phone screen” in Madness.

You can also see that I found out that I don’t need to do the stick figure storyboards to imitate a sheet when I can just draw this rectangle and smaller rectangles inside of it and write there numbers to match the things in the dialog to make it much easier for me to plan the pages. And here’s also a small easter egg: there’s 13 panels overall in this comic :D I almost did 12 but then felt that no, I really need to do 13 because, you know, the hairs, the era, the album title. And also because I like the number so much lmao.

So from there we get to the second storyboard which is not just stick figures anymore but just me planning how I want the panels to look like. To get the imagery of the rooms and facial expressions etc. out onto the paper so that I can see them in real life instead of my shady imagination that sometimes isn’t as vivid as what I could be.

Also have you ever tried to draw a beach chair? It’s more difficult than you’d think:

I tried to draw the same thing from the same reference photos so many times and still I always felt like I was trying to draw that impossible triangle or some other illusion image. And it just went on and on here:

Originally I also had planned the second panel to be a close up of the phone so that Farin’s face would be left at the background from the frog perspective. That’s what I was trying to with that weird-ass face on the left but turned out that I have never drawn these characters from such angle and I just... couldn’t see it in my head clearly enough to be able to draw it. So I dismissed that idea and that’s why the angle changed from a phone close-up to a side view to the room and at Farin.

As I was in the middle of planning the second page, I suddenly wasn’t happy with my original plot anymore. I wasn’t sure if it would work and needed to think about it one more time. So I wrote two other dialogs here, along with a storyboards for them both. I ended up choosing B from those two options eventually.

I don’t remember anymore if I had already done the first sketch of the comics or not but at some point I just felt that I no longer knew how to draw in my style. Sometimes you just draw and learn wrong things and wrong methods that you get used to and then you have to take a break and actually do a little bit of studying over your own style to find again the way how you want to draw, and get rid of the bad habits and find the good ones again. In my case it was to draw the eyes way way too big when they originally never were THAT big, so I had to learn how to draw them small and normal again. That’s why I did these, as I really needed to pay attention to the faces and remember how to draw them again:

The front-side views were another big readong for this “study” because I have drawn that perspective only once or twice before and I needed to figure out how I want to draw that. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me but for some reason the front-side Farin reminds me of one of the parent characters from this cartoon called The Rugrats which I watched as a kid. It was totally unintentional, but you can google The Rugrats if you don’t know how the charatcers looked like in the cartoon.

The things below are just me testing something. The red Farins were just to test how the colored pencils work on each other and how the fineliners work with the colored pencils, and which way is the better way to do the shading. And the red colored pencil was the only one available at the time so that had to do.

A little bit about the heads btw: You might notice some difference between the left and right faces. It’s because I have always, always struggled with drawing anything that is looking at right. Most of the animal portraits and all I have drawn so that they look at left because I just find it so much easier to draw. I think with comics it’s because I always start with the eye (and the eyebrows if I don’t forget it) and then do the forehead, nose, mouth and chin, and after that I either continue from the hair (from the front) or do the ear first. But when I am drawing them to look at right, I have to basically draw the mirror image and starting from the hair is not the key because it can easily mess up with the perspectives. I still usually draw everything in the same order but it really is difficult because I’m doing a mirror image and my own hand is on the way, too. Basically I’m drawing from right to left instead of left to right! (I think I should try drawing those with my left hand, then...)

And from here we get to the first sketch of the comic. From here on the images are from my phone’s camera so they are sometimes illegally bad but no can do, I again didn’t think I’d post these to anywhere:

Here you can see I was mainly just focusing on the shapes and the space inside those panels. Just trying to see the perspective and how everything is. The only thing that I drew more precisely was the third panel, with the hand and phone. I had quite a nice memory of old phones in my head but I still googled for some reference photos of Nokia 5110 phones as that was my first phone (as I mentioned earlier), and I also happened to have some of my other old phones on the table nearby so I took my own hand reference photos too:

They always say there’s a little bit of the artist in their art and this one literally has that - “Farin’s” hand is actually my hand! :D And I think the size is kinda on point too because this phone was like 2-3 times smaller than Nokia 5110 and I have small hands, and I believe Farin must have much bigger hands, so the 5110 probably would have looked about the same size in his hand.

After the first sketch, the next step was then - the second sketch:

I also wanted to add more action to the panels so that it’s interesting to look at and not just basically the same panel over and over again with just different speech bubbles, so I came up with the idea of Farin spitting out his tea not being as cartoony as it could be and that he would have to actually clean it up instead of just leaving it there just because in cartoons/comics everything is possible. That way I got more depth into the panels and it was also interesting for me to draw because I drew lots of new postures I have never drawn before, and I’m surprised how well it went despite me not even looking for any kind of reference photos! The only things I used reference photos for were the beach chair, and the phone in a hand. (I have actually always been quite good at drawing 3D objects and spaces, especially if they are rectangular.)

So yeah, this is the phase where everything is then finished with pencil and what follows next is drawing the lines with fineliners - I use Sakura Pigma Micron fineliners for everything else, and black Promarker for doing the lines for the panels (and also if I need bigger pitch black areas done).

Here are the panel lines done but I only had a photo of this first sheet.

And here are both sheets with the finelining done and all pencil marks etc. erased. I really like this part because it looks so clean when all those sketch marks are gone. It’s also crazy to think I literally spend hours drawing something in pencil only to erase it all away later :D

And here’s one photo of the coloring process, the first one has only the base colors done but none of the shadows yet (apart from the shirts), and the second one has some of the shadows done but not everything yet.

Usually after coloring, I will then go through everything with the fineliners one more time to make sure all the lines are dark enough as it just gives everything the finished yet a bit “sketchy” look that what I really like with my comics. The actual last detail is always adding my signature along with the date or year.

And here’s the finished comic one more time for comparison:

Don’t forget to check and reblog the actual post about this comic if you read this post all the way here. I’d appreaciate that a lot since art and artist on Tumblr are not really that much appreciated.

[evalieena]

35 Questions for Fanfiction Writers

well since dearest @bachint​ asked, here goes nothing!

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

well if no downplaying’s allowed i guess i’d give it a 3/5? some mistakes since i’m not a native plus i”m still working on getting my english style better! i like what i come up with all the same, i’ve improved a lot these past two years, and my grammar isn’t that bad i guess?

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

to do what developers didn’t do in the first place to make good use of my imagination, to cope with the fact that some characters don’t exist and i will never follow another one of their adventures, to forget about a boring real life...

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

my writing doesn’t stand out lmaooo but i guess i’m always trying to focus on the character’s psychology, struggles and all that, so if someone likes my work, it’s ‘original’ bc it’s usually quite different from the usual stories where there are a lot of dialogues and interactions.

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

i’ve been inspired a lot by @welcometogressenheller​ (i wish i could do as well as she does.....), @aceklaviergavin​ (kudos to you even if you never see that post and you probably don’t know who i am), and some others whose name i forgot (sorry!)

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

i didn’t write much but i guess that my latest fics are really nice (There’s No Light In You Anymore, and the whole Faith series on AO3). also my big project “Now That You’re Gone”, i’m glad i’ve been able to write that much for it and i intend on continuing as soon as i find the motivation!

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

pain, struggles and all that comes with it as long as it’s in the character’s mind, because beware here you step in a dark space

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

ordinary scenes of life? i always find my writing lacking as soon as i step out of my comfort zone, i’m all for rambling and never-ending pain

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

desmond/descole surely

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write?

all the good guys (and dimitri allen because i’d love writing about him but i’m? just unable to?)

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for?

that may come as a surprise! angst!

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most?

a mix of question 8 and 10 and you’ve got your answer

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about.

professor layton and the shattering secrets!!! i’m so happy of what this AU will look like when i’ll be done writing the following chapters, at first it probably looks annoying but heck i wanna promise anyone who’s reading it that the plot twists are gonna be worth it even though the overall background isn’t that original because i’ve mixed up different elements from other games (aaaand we’re back in our oh-so-amazing comfort zone that covers up a massive lack of imagination)

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

ummm? the vampire diaries maybe? back when i was 10 or 11 lol

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for?

hands up... pROFESsoR LayTON

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

i didn’t write for many fandoms but back in my younger days i used to do self-insert fics with the vampire diaries cast and it was so odd and i wish i hadn’t just confessed that on my tumblr blog

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

nothing that comes to mind

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for.

dunno either

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written?

PL and the shattering secrets! huge canon divergence and one heck of an AU (also its original version is much worse, my mind was going crazy when i was 15)

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between?

i love reading AUs, writing some requires solid imagination which i have not, but honestly i don’t really mind

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff?

gen

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

desmond sycamore x his wife / randall ascot x hershel layton (be it romantic or platonic) / randall ascot x basically anyone from the MM i guess though i didn’t write anything about that yet (it’s about to change guys)

22. Do you listen to anything while you write?

yea i can’t write without listening to music - any playlist does the trick as long as i like what i’m listening to but usually i listen to sad soundtracks, or i’m inspired by some random lyrics

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

i’d go with challenges bc my horrible ass has very few ideas but i usually come up with independent ideas

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works?

one shots!

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

i don’t remember ;_;

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

i’ve got one OS in mind with randall/layton but i don’t want to be the talk of the town because it’s probably going to be awful? also any other fic including the PL3 crew

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

@welcometogressenheller telling me she believed i was a native!!! i struggle so much trying to improve my writing style in english and i have a lot of insecurities so it was so heartwarming and incredible to read...

also basically any other comment where people tell me they like what i write. i love that writers feel the need to take some time reviewing my works bc i need constant validation

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing?

well i’ve never really received ‘harsh’ criticism or anything, save for some very rare remarks on my grammar so i guess i don’t know? at first it’s always sad to see that what i’ve done isn’t perfect but i guess it’s impossible to be perfect so i’m really happy that people take some time to underline what looks wrong to them

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out?

currently trying to with shattering secrets and it’s actually a great way to improve!

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst?

MERCILESS ANGST

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them!

i wish i could but it would perhaps be a huge spoiler so i don’t wanna say much about them...

i have 1) annabell sycamore, des’s wife, whose personality fits very much mine. she’s a playwright, spends lot of her time writing and acting in front of des AND WITH des. also she’s a very realistic person and some people usually tell her that she’s being too pessimistic 

2) aurelia from the shattering secrets and on her i really cannot say much... if anyone’s read this far it would be so nice if you could give SS a shot by the way!! 

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less.

desmond sometimes finds happiness but it’s always taken from him

(isn’t that a summary for everything i’ve ever written?)

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process?

i don’t translate my works from my original language to english, i write straight in english. i spend a lot of time making sure i haven’t done any grammatical mistakes, checking the definition and the use of some words i’m not sure about, and sometimes it’s quite a pain and it can be also very discouraging bc i end up believing what i write comes from a random internet dictionary while deep down i know it’s not true but hey what can i say. huge insecurities laid bare here.

(if any reader of mine’s reading this, i apologize)

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

(beware: spoilers for the whole prequel trilogy!!!)

“Hershel Layton was puzzled. A funny emotion to feel for someone who loved puzzles that much, but nothing could ever describe better the way he’d felt for hours now, hours that seemed like ages.So much did happen in the span of a few hours.

First he’d learned his parents could be targeted by Targent, then Aurora had made it clear that she didn’t want to live anymore, all so she could protect them. Then Desmond—no, Descole—had taken the key from her hands, and revealed himself as the dangerous scientist Layton knew him to be.

Then they’d fought. Despair was filling the air, though Hershel didn’t understand what Descole meant when he cried that the Azran legacy was all he had to live for.

And as if there hadn’t been enough betrayals as it was, Emmy was soon to follow. Luke had been abducted. He’d had no other choice than siding with Descole to prevent Bronev from unleashing doom on Earth. Misery didn’t seem to end.

Just when he’d thought he’d finally be able to change things, Descole had been ready to sacrifice himself to save Luke. And then…

Then everything just collapsed.

He held his agonizing brother in his arms; the one who’d wanted so hard to take him down only a few hours back was now confessing, fearing death was on the way.“

[...]

from ‘Six Times Hershel Layton Remembered, Plus The One Time He Didn’t’

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

oops i haven’t got anything more to say but thank you for reading? perhaps?

[newcaptainofsquad9]

The Shakespeare Substitute {2} Kim Taehyung x black! fem! reader (College AU)

Parts: 1 2 3

Pairing: Taehyung x reader Taglist: @agustdpeach, @namjoonsslutakakoreanmanswhore​

Summary: After coming down from the high of meeting your old crush, Kim Taehyung again, you end up over analyzing your previous encounter with him. Of course your best friend James teases you for your awkward, yet false sense of bravado. You think about contacting Taehyung, however he ends up contacting you first, sending you down memory lane and wondering where this familiar encounter can take you.

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Romance, College AU, Smut(in later parts)

Word Count: 2, 194

Warnings: None for this chapter.

Author’s Note: I’m glad people are enjoying this! I want to know actually if these black readers are working for people, like I just want black bts army to feel included with fics like this, since I’ve never had fics like this when I started to read/wrtie fanfiction. Also! If you guys read part one of my Jungkook fic, this is the same university that the reader in that fic goes to. If you want to read part one of Welcome To Shimmer Star, click here. So, let me know how it makes you guys feel. Requests are open for BTS and EXO, send me some! Thanks! One more thing, let me know if you’d like to be a part of the taglist, just message me about it!

I’m halfway out of the English building when James comes sprinting at me with that intense stare. Maybe I could have made it out of the building, but not with Shimmer Star University’s former track-star at my heels.

“Uh, Y/N, hold up!” he urges. 

I turn toward James, who gives me an upturnt grin. 

“What?” I ask with a little too much bite. 

James stifles a chuckle, he raises his hands up in defense as I give him a hard side eye. 

“I-I was just wondering what took so long with Mr. Kim,” he says.

I roll my eyes. 

“It’s Taehyung, God I can’t believe he’s here,” I groan.

James crosses his arms. 

“You were pretty fixated on getting out of the building,” he says, “you sure Taehyung didn’t try anything?”

I notice how serious James grows with those thick eyebrows furrowing and his jaw clenching. It’s scary. I shake my head in order to reassure him. 

“No, we just talked for a moment,” I say, “nothing to worry about.”

I try to walk away from this conversation again, trying to comprehend my thoughts but James doesn’t let up. Of course he doesn’t.

“It’s nothing to worry about?” he asks, “then why are you blushing light skinned princess? And why are you so fixated on getting away from me? We usually grab tea after Shakespeare, remember?”

I blink up at him. 

“Damn! I, shit, James I really forgot,” I stammer, “I-I just got to finish up on some homework.”

James keeps an amused look on his face, still trying to suppress his growing grin. 

“Taehyung totally got you smitten, didn’t he?” he asks, “what happened to putting that shit in the past?”

I don’t even know that myself. Here I thought Kim Taehyung truly left my life at eighteen, fled back to Korea to do something while leaving me baffled with the potential of having a relationship with him. I’m still reeling from his return at Shimmer Star University! Out of all these universities in the country, he chooses Shimmer Star! What the actual fuck!

“Y/N,” James says, “you good in that head of yours?” 

I grimace and shrug. 

“I don’t know,” I admit, “that entire exchange overwhelmed me and I just don’t know what to do.”

James whines. 

“Aw, c’mon sweetie, I’m sure a green tea can ease you,” he reassures, “you can get a mango shot and everything!”

“I don’t know James.”

“Please?” he begs, “it’ll be on me! my treat! you won’t even have to waste your meal plans, or get that rinky dink small cup, you’ll get a large today!”

I can’t help giggling at his goofy ass. 

“Ok ok, fine,” I say, “I’m only going for tea, don’t expect me to stay at the cafe long.”

James only nods with a fist pump of victory before pulling me into a tight hug. 

“Don’t worry girl,” he says, “if things don’t work out with Taehyung, can I take a shot at him?”

I stiffen against him and pinch him hard under his armpit. He yelps, flinching back as his arms fall from around me. 

“Fine! I’ll quit it!” he exclaims as he puts an arm around my shoulder, leading me towards Shimmer Star Cafe.

                                                      ━     ━    ━

Shimmer Star Cafe isn’t as crowded as it usually is during the day. Noon is it’s peaked hours, line trailing almost through the library where the cafe is connected with. Once James I get there around 5:15 pm it’s practically empty, the baristas are conversing among themselves prior to one of them popping back around to the cash register. 

“James, hi there!” the barista greets. 

James beams as I glance at him and the barista beams back. 

“Hi! Could I get two large iced green teas? One with a mango shot and the other with a strawberry shot,” he says. 

The barista grabs the cups from the left of the register swiftly with a nod. 

“Coming right up real soon!” she says with a wink. 

“Thanks boo!” James says. 

We retreat to a booth near the back, it’s secluded, except for a tiny pile of books on a square table next to it. I stand beside it as James sits. 

“What’s with that look?” he asks. 

“Does that girl have a crush on you, or something?” I ask, doing a double take back to the counter.

 James chuckles. 

“Mandy? Nah, well, she knows I’m gay, but I’m not sure,” he admits, “it might be because I’m so dope, right?”

I roll my eyes and plop down across from him. 

“Hardly,” I joke. 

James pops his neck out in a false attempt to fight, but I’m ready this time with my own false fighting stance from an old Dragon Ball Z game. 

“What the hell?” James asks through a fit of laughter, “your anime head ass, lord you win damn!”

He pats my hand, rising to his feet as his name is called from the counter. 

“I’ll be back-”

I cut him off as I get up. 

“No, I should just take my tea and leave,” I say, “thanks for treating me like this dude.”

James pouts.    

“Aw, but I wanted to talk more,” he whines, “we don’t even have that much Shakespeare homework.”

“I’ve got other classes,” I counter.

James mutters a fine as we both walk back up to the counter together. Another barista hands us the teas from the end of the counter. While grabbing our napkins, straws, along with any other sugar condiments we’d need. 

“Um, what could I get you?” the barista asks. 

I turn towards her and my mouth nearly drops. There’s Taehyung standing next to another handsome guy, a bit shorter than him with medium length brown hair. I hide behind James and sip my tea slowly. 

“Girl what is it-oh,” he says, noticing Taehyung as well. “Don’t panic, I know that guy with Taehyung.”

“You do?” I ask. 

“Yeah, “ he says, “yo! Jungkook!”  

Jungkook turns along with Taehyung, who raises an eyebrow.

“James, what’s going on dude?” Jungkook greets.

James slips into a slick handshake with Jungkook who follows it effortlessly. I can’t help but watch in awe. Of course James knows this guy, he’s so bubbly. I was joking earlier, but James is really electric, he’s got a way of putting people at ease, it’s helped me a lot since freshman year. 

“Y/N?”

I look up and Taehyung is standing in front of me, his black turtleneck clear in view while his black coat is missing. 

“Um, hi, uh, “ I stammer, “I gotta go!”

Taehyung takes a step forward.

“Wait, please I-”

“Uh, I’m sorry, I got homework, bye!” I let out quickly as I sip my tea for dear life and flee.

                                                       ━  ━   ━

The tea is halfway gone once I get home. I kick off my shoes before plopping onto the blue sheets on my bed and roll onto my back. My eyes shut as I try to fathom what the hell just happened today. Not only does Taehyung teach as a substitute, he’s also subbing my class and one of his friends (or acquaintances) know James. This just got so much more complicated than I could handle. 

My phone buzzes again, echoing it’s irritating noises from my drive back here. It’s got to be James, of course I could ignore it and actually start on homework, however, if I ignore him there could be grave consequences. His stank face is a worse punishment in itself. I rise and pick up my phone from the dresser, it reacts to me with multiple text message icons littering the screen. A swipe of my finger awakens it, I punch the numbers in and it unlocks revealing a few missed calls from James, along with a few texts. 

They read:

I’m sorry I didn’t notice Taehyung

He’s Jungkook’s friend, he’s really chill for a TA!

Girl, this man is husband material, or at least enough for a pleasant dick appointment 

I regret my actions. Of fucking course James is thirst texting. Why am I not surprised. 

Another text interrupts my reading. This one read:

I know, you’re in the middle of homework. I caught you off guard today and I just wanted to talk. 

I freeze as the person continues to type.

It’s Taehyung btw

Is he in control of my phone service now? Could I just get a moment to catch my breath? I’ve been in a whirlwind all day. 

James is cool, great guy

I can’t trust James to do anything. I decide to text Taehyung right back.

Did he give you my number?

Taehyung responds right back.

Yeah, that ok?

I guess, but not for him. I’m surprised he didn’t you his number.

Taehyung’s response takes a bit longer this time. 

Why- wait, he’s gay, isn’t he?

Great observation Sherlock. JK, he’s got great duality, he usually isn’t too charismatic unless he’s around me. He wasn’t flirting, was he?

No, but Jungkook was egging him on to do something, I polity had to decline. He seemed rather bisexual to me.

I smile down at the phone before responding. 

I’m glad to see you weren’t eyeing my friend, can’t say I can speak for the rest of my peers. 

I stare at the messages for a moment as Taehyung doesn’t even type this time. Instead of another message popping up, an incoming call does instead with the number Taehyung texted from. A groan escapes me as I press the green phone button and answer. 

“Hello?”

“What do you mean the rest of them?” Taehyung asks. 

I’m caught off guard at how his voice comes through, just as deep as it’s always been. 

“I didn’t mean for you to call me,” I explain. 

“Do you think I’ll let those girls in class get to me?” 

I hum at his question. 

“I don’t know, Jessica was practically throwing herself at you,” I say.

Taehyung chuckles lowly. 

“Were you jealous?” he asks.

I tremble at his question. I know he did not just ask me that.

“Tae, I’m hanging up,” I declare. 

“Hold on Y/N! Wait, please!”

I hold the phone against my shoulder, shuddering against how soft and familiar his voice is. It reminds me of how tender he told me of his feelings that night, four years ago at prom. God, why couldn’t he have just kept his thoughts to himself? I wouldn’t be in this mess if he wouldn’t. 

“Y/N, are you still there?” he breathes.

“Yeah,” I whisper, “God, Taehyung, don’t you understand the shit you put me through the year you left? You can’t just come back and flirt with me like everything's ok!”

I cover my mouth as soon as the words come out. 

“Taehyung I-”

“No, Y/N, you’re right,” he says, “I was being too informal.”

“Taehyung,” I start but he cuts me off again.

“I’m sorry, ok,” he admits, “God, let me at least make it up to you. What can I do?”

I chew on my lip and fall back against the bed. This is the first time I’ve had the control before. When we were almost a thing back in high school, he admitted his feelings and I just accepted them without much thought besides how good looking me was. 

“I-I don’t know,” I say, “you apologizing was a step in the right direction, what do you have in mind?”

Taehyung shifts in wherever he is, I hear papers crinkle and shift around him.

“You have classes Tuesday?”

“Yeah,” I say, “just one in the morning though.” 

“Let me take you out,” he suggests, “we can start over, I can get to know you better and actual listen.”

My heart pumps at his words.

“Really?” I ask, “where at? I need to make sure I can afford it first.”

“That doesn’t matter Y/N,” he says, “I’ll take care of it, let me treat you.”

“Are you sure?” 

Taehyung chuckles and hums.

“Of course, the kids back in school didn’t call me Mr. Gucci for nothing,” he jokes.

A fit of giggles escape my mouth.

“I can’t believe you remember those idiots calling you that!” I exclaim.

Taehyung laughs again.

“Hey, it got you to laugh that’s all that matters,” he notes, “how’s homework going? Did you read Act one of Hamlet yet?”

I bite my lip and shake my head. 

“No,” I admit, “I was going to, but I’m on the phone with my gorgeous substitute.”

“Ah, so you can flirt, but I can’t,” Taehyung says with a hint of amusement. 

“Sorry,” I say, “that was a little informal of me.”

“No, you’re fine,” he says, “I have no problem with this, I can act very well and play your well behaved sub.”

I sigh against the sheets and bury my face between them. This man will be the death of me.

“I gotta go Tae,” I let out.

“Did I make you blush?” he asks.

By his tone I can practically hear the boxy smile on the other line. 

“That’s none of your business Tae!” I say, “goodbye.”

Taehyung chuckles lowly. 

“Goodbye beautiful.”

He hangs up soon after, leaving me a flustered mess.   

[torturing-characters-101]

So I'm writing a story and my character has pretty bad insomnia and anxiety. Could you give me a few pointers on symptoms and how it might affect daily life? I don't personally have these, but it's important to the character and I want to make sure I do the representation justice.

I can’t speak for everyone but here’s my experience of insomnia with anxiety:

Insomnia:

The feeling of adrenaline releasing, but over and over and over and over while you’re laying in bed. Like, every 2-5 minutes.

Constantly thinking about how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep right now and then feeling utterly disappointed in yourself for not falling asleep.

The feeling of “I forgot how to fall asleep.”

There’s a song going through your head, but also a fake argument and an embarrassing situation you’re remembering from work but like, all at once, repeatedly.

The feeling that it would be this huge risk to get up and walk around for a little bit because what if you were just about to fall asleep and you missed your chance?

Usually falling asleep one or two hours before your alarm goes off and as soon as it does all you want to do is sleep.

The first day without sleep you feel kinda gross and your face feels hot and oily and just can’t get clean even if you shower. Your work/school performance is definitely degraded but you don’t quite realize it. It’s kinda easy to forget you didn’t sleep.

The second day without sleep and the gross feeling is worse but now there’s like short waves of dizziness. You’re slow and don’t understand things. Social skills (or, I supposed, whatever situations you find most difficult) are significantly impacted and you know but you can’t do anything about it.

The third day you feel like your teeth are loose and your mouth is dry and your skin is weird. Late at night you are angry and frustrated and possibly crying and just so worked up. You can feel your heart beating.

After that everything feels not quite real. You have no energy for anything, you misinterpret things or have not-quite-hallucinations out of the corner of your eye. 

Anxiety:

Anxiety is different for everyone, and there are a lot of different anxiety disorders, including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. All of them have different defining symptoms. This is my experience with GAD:

Think of the overall experience as “my brain usually (but not always) responds to things in a grossly exaggerated way so I’m constantly trying to deal with those reactions and figure out if they were appropriate, and if not, what the appropriate reaction would be so that I don’t externally over-react to a situation or seem too apathetic.”

Because of this, there’s a lot of filler in your brain that saps energy but doesn’t actually contribute to your life or well-being. You’re always moving and doing things but it feels like nothing gets done and everyone’s disappointed in you even though you’re trying so hard.

You constantly crave sugar (or fat, or sex, or the wikipedia article about radios or Doctor Who fanfiction or anything that’s going to bring you comfort), but you’re really embarrassed about it and you’re worried other people will think you’re lazy/a glutton if you indulge yourself.

Worrying- this is probably what most people think about when trying to describe anxiety, and it can be rough. Like, think about something that weighed so heavily on you you had trouble thinking about other things, but instead of it being something important its actually, like, that you’re getting your blood pressure checked in 3 days and the nurse is going to judge you because you’re 25 and have hypertension which is DEFINITELY YOUR FAULT, but you know you really have false hypertension because you’ve been dumping adrenaline for the last three days non-stop- but who’s realistically going to believe that? And you literally, no matter what you do, can’t stop thinking about it and how much its about to ruin your life.

Brain tired.

Your abdominal muscles are tight and you have to repeatedly and purposefully un-clench. Then they’ll be clenched again like 2 minutes later.

You utterly fail to react or respond to a small but urgent (or at least in-the-moment) situation because it took you so long to think about it.

You then think about what you should have done and how much you disappointed people non-stop for 48 hours.

Conversely, responding to a big terrifying thing nonchalantly that everyone else is freaking out about.

Hands visibly sweating constantly.

Hair pulling/skin picking any time you sit down.

A desire to apologize for something like your own face.

A constant desire to cover your ass/explain yourself but also no energy to do so.

Intrusive thoughts. “Boy that knife sure looks sharp- if you fell on it no one would know it was on purpose” “Jump in front of that car.” “How much skin could you remove from your arm before you pass out?” (I know I’ve forgotten to take my meds when these start popping up)

All of this is at least 50% worse when actually physically tired or menstruating.

Getting on medication and realizing that 1, all of your motivation was tied to anxiety (but now, suddenly, all those motivation tips on the internet actually work) and 2, holy crap you can do so much in a day.

-Ross

[quicksilversquared]

Keeping Up With the Ladyblog

A reporter has to adapt and improvise. It's an important skill to learn, especially when one is a reporter who is still in school and can't skip out to film all of the akuma battles without getting grounded. So Alya gets creative and starts using old security camera footage of akuma attacks. It keeps the Ladyblog active and maybe, just maybe, she'll finally get her scoop of a lifetime.

links in the reblog

Initially, setting up the Ladyblog and getting a devoted userbase had been a bit of an uphill battle. Even though Alya had gotten noticed right away with her footage from the first fight, that didn't guarantee her a permanent position as the best-known blog on Paris's superheroes. Not covering a few fights would mean that someone else could sneak in and steal her spot, so that meant that even if she missed a little school here and there (or had to drag her sisters along during a fight), it was worth it. She had to stay on top of all things Ladybug and right then, that meant getting the best coverage of as many fights as she could physically manage and writing up good, thought-provoking articles for when there was a slow day or two.

(Of course, there were other problems that she had to deal with as well. Alya had to put together a functioning site that was user-friendly, could handle the traffic that she was getting, and offered everything that anyone could possibly want from an official superhero blog, because there was no. way. Alya was going to lose traffic just because some other blog had one option or another that she didn't have or because her blog went down from traffic overload at a critical moment. There were some places that she drew the line- she didn't accept fanfiction of the superheroes, because they were real people and therefore it would be weird, and only appropriate art was allowed- but she had to add all sorts of options so that people who visited the Ladyblog would come back over and over again. It was a lot of work and all had to be done fairly quickly, which meant that her homework sometimes got pushed off until later than it should have.)

Alya didn't consider setting up the blog itself to be that big of a problem, though. Software could usually be battered into submission if she worked on it for long enough, and as long as she didn't try any system updates to the Ladyblog when a lot of people were using it, short outages were usually not a big deal. It was the content that was more of a problem, especially now that her parents (and teachers) were on her back about not skipping school just to film attacks.

She just had to get creative.

Originally, Alya had considered trying to use her fame from being the sole moderator of the Ladyblog to see if she could get a get-out-of-class-free card during the attacks. Her teachers could just check her blog to make sure that she wasn't abusing the pass, she figured, and it wasn't as though most of her classes would be that hard to make up. But it didn't take long before Alya realized that that was just a pipe dream. No teacher would just let her go whenever just so she could keep up a blog when there were professional reporters out there as well that could film the attacks just as well (though Alya would argue with that). Besides, she sometimes had to bike across town to try to get footage, and there were times when it took so long that Ladybug and Chat Noir were already done when she got there. Without any footage, it was a waste of her time.

She had to play it smart. She couldn't just take footage from news channels, but what if there was other footage out there, unseen by most of the public? The Ladyblog already used fan submissions. People took pictures and videos of the superheroes all the time, and most didn't have any interest in starting their own superhero blog but were willing enough to share their superhero content online. Alya always spent a chunk of time every day sorting through the submissions and organizing them by akuma for easy reference.

Still, that wasn't quite enough. Alya had to go above and beyond if she didn't want to be replaceable.

Asking Mr. Kubdel about getting security camera footage from the Louvre partway through the year was a stroke of pure genius on her part. Getting it was a combination of luck, her fame as the Ladyblogger, and the fact that she knew Alix.

"They don't have the best angles in the world," Alya told Nino three days after Mr. Kubdel agreed to her request. She had just gotten the footage from all of the security cameras for the time frames of the last few akuma attacks that had gone through the museum, and digging through the video to find clips of the actual fight was taking a while. Some parts she could just fast-forward through, since the superheroes didn't go into that particular room, but she couldn't go too fast or she could miss the superheroes flashing by. "But I can't really complain. No one has any video of any of these fights yet, so this is incredible."

"It was super-nice of Mr. Kubdel to agree to it," Nino said as he watched the video over her shoulder. "Are you- whoop, there goes Chat Noir."

"Am I what?" Alya asked as she marked down the time Chat Noir entered and when he exited. "Ooh, look, that's a cool akuma!"

"It is a pretty cool design," Nino agreed. "Are you going to ask other places if you can get security camera videos from them, too? Like, there's some places that seem to have a lot of akuma fights go through them. School, the Eiffel Tower, the Grand Paris-"

Alya's eyes lit up at the mention of the last place. "Ooh! D'you think I could wrangle some footage of Chloe as Antibug? I kind of want to see some footage of her getting her ass handed to her by Ladybug and Chat Noir."

Nino cringed slightly. "...yeah, I wouldn't phrase it like that when you ask Mr. Bourgeois about it if I were you. He might say no just because of it." He considered that for a second, then added, "Actually, come to think of it, a lot of the akuma that pop up at his hotel tend to be after Chloe, right? So maybe he would say no if most of the footage you get is of Chloe being tormented, no matter how funny you find it. And he's not going to have anything from inside of the guest rooms, just the hallways and dining areas and whatnot."

Alya sniffed. "I'd be professional and include as much of the fight as I could find. Any compilations of Chloe being pursued by angry akumas would be completely unofficial and only posted to an anonymous YouTube account. Which I would then share with you guys, of course."

Nino laughed.

"I think I could persuade him to help, though," Alya decided, going back to the Louvre videos. "He's nice enough when Chloe isn't pushing him around. I'd just have to ask when Chloe isn't there. Maybe I could ask Sabrina's father for help to get footage from other places." She squinted at the screen, then stopped the video for a moment. Nino looked over and saw that it had gone all blurry and pixilated.

He frowned. "Uh, what happened to it? Is the file corrupted?"

"I don't know. It's happened a couple times before on other files, once near the start of this fight and twice again near the end of the first fight I looked at. I don't know what causes it." Alya rewound a little so she could get the last good frame of the superheroes and record the time so she could cut it there. "And... I know I kind of gave up on exposing Ladybug and Chat Noir's identities on the Ladyblog, but I kind of thought that I might catch them detransforming on the security cams. I wasn't going to post that part online, of course, but still..."

"Maybe they're just really good at moving out of the area first," Nino suggested. "That's gotta be tough, actually. I never thought about it. But there's so many cameras in buildings like that nowadays that they have to be super-careful so they don't get seen by others or by cameras!"

"They're bound to slip up sometime," Alya grumbled, opening another file and starting to fast-forward through it. "I really hope I don't miss an attack when I'm working on this. Like, it's gonna be great for my blog to have this footage and all, but it's the live stuff that people like the most."

  The first of the spliced-together security camera footage hit the Ladyblog almost a week after Alya got the first batch of raw video. There was an immediate spike of interest, though, as Alya complained to Nino as they waited for Adrien and Marinette to arrive to work on their group project, some people were whining about favoritism getting her the tapes.

"It was just because I asked first," Alya grumbled, scrolling through the comments. "Because I thought of it first. And- oh! I forgot to tell you! Mr. Bourgeois said yes, I just have to figure out the dates and times of old attacks myself and give them to his security people. And I talked to the principal too, and to Sabrina's father. Mr. Damocles said yes, and Sabrina's father said that he would ask his supervisor and also people at Notre Dame and the Eiffel Tower about the security cameras at their individual sites." She was grinning now, momentary irritation gone. "It's gonna be a beast going through everything and getting my homework done, but it'll be worth it."

Nino frowned. "Are all of them gonna give you footage from past attacks? Some might discard video once a certain amount of time passes, or they might think that it's too much work to go back that far to get you the files."

Alya shrugged, face dropping slightly. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Still, going through the past stuff I do get plus new stuff is gonna be hard. At least spring break is coming up soon. Ish. Kinda. And then I can really plow through stuff once it's summer."

"You're gonna vanish into your room and never come out again," Nino joked. "You'll get all pale from lack of sun."

"I still gotta go out for livestreaming attacks," Alya reminded him. "And once I don't have homework to do, I don't think it'll take that long to mark and edit stuff. I can get through one per day for sure, maybe more. I can do it while I babysit my sisters, as long as they don't want to go anywhere."

Nino snorted. "Right, and the chances that they won't want to go out to the park or on a walk?" He shook his head at her. "But I can help with the timing stuff, so you can just focus on the splicing things together."

Alya grinned and leaned forward to press a kiss to his lips. "That would be great, Nino! Thank you so much!"

"You'll have to tell me how you want it done sometime before I start, but it really shouldn't be a problem," Nino assured her, grinning as he returned the kiss. "Though maybe we'll have time for you to show me before Adrien and Marinette arrive. Where are they, anyway?"

Alya just shrugged. "Who knows. I texted Marinette ten minutes ago to remind her we would be meeting, but no response yet. She might be in the middle of a project, and if she is, I don't wanna startle her. Last time I called her when she was busy sewing, she got started by her phone ringing and stabbed herself with a pin."

Nino cringed. "Ow. Yeah, I texted Adrien too, but no dice. No idea what he might be doing- oh, wait, here they come. Finally."

"And from the same direction too, hmm? Interesting!" Alya slid her laptop back into her bag and stood up, grinning as she watched Adrien and Marinette approach. "And neither of their houses are in that direction, either."

"We're here to study, not interrogate them," Nino reminded her. "Midterms, remember?"

"Oh, but come on-"

"You can interrogate them after, once we've gotten our studying done," Nino pointed out, grinning. "But I actually want to pass my classes, thank you very much."

  There were times when Alya almost regretted starting to post the security camera footage. It was a lot to handle and process, and it ended up cutting into her article-writing time, which, well, she really liked writing those articles. It was one of the things that set the Ladyblog apart. But the old footage was popular, particularly when there was no good news coverage of the fight, and she could always prioritize which fights to edit together and which could maybe be set aside until she had more time.

It was after Alya was first tapped to become Rena Rouge when she realized how great of an idea it had been to start including the security footage from attacks on the Ladyblog. She couldn't cover her own fights- well, not that she was called for many of the akuma attacks, really- but she could still provide that footage, and it wasn't as though she had only started with that kind of footage after she became a superhero, so it wasn't going to raise any suspicion.

Well. Much suspicion, at least. There might be a few people who wondered why she could never cover Rena Rouge's fights, but there had been few enough of them so far that the pattern wouldn't be apparent. And if it continued- which, well, she hoped that it would- then she could always use her much improved video editing skills to "interview" Rena Rouge in person.

She was sure that Ladybug would let her borrow the Miraculous for a little extra time if she mentioned the need to throw people off of her trail. After all, Ladybug was very big on secrecy.

Most of the time, though, Alya loved her stroke of brilliance. It had been worth the security checks to make sure that she could be trusted with the security footage, and she had managed to shore up her views again. Future employers would see that she was focused and willing to put in the work, and well, she had gotten herself a fabulous reputation at the Louvre after she had spotted a shoplifter on the footage and let them know about it right away. It made her feel like a detective of sorts, discovering things that she wouldn't have otherwise.

And, well, summer was coming. Soon, she could get all caught up, and then Alya was sure that it wouldn't be quite so overwhelming.

  "I figured it out!"

Nino glanced up at Alya as she slid into the empty spot at the table he was sitting at. From the other side of the table, Adrien and Marinette looked over at the reporter as well.

"What did you figure out?" Marinette asked, gaze immediately going to the tablet Alya was holding. She looked interested and inched closer. "Is it something to do with the Ladyblog?"

"It is!" Alya held up her tablet. "So you know how I've been putting together footage of the akuma fights from security cameras?"

Nino nodded. Both Adrien and Marinette looked puzzled. Alya groaned at them.

"Seriously? Have neither of you looked at the Ladyblog in weeks?! It's my big new thing!"

"I've been busy," they both claimed at once, before shooting each other startled looks. Alya narrowed her eyes at them both.

"Too busy to even glance at the Ladyblog once in a while, even now that school is almost out? Really?"

"I've glanced, but not looked into the archives at all," Marinette corrected herself. Then she frowned. "Wait, what do you mean, security camera footage?"

"Huh, I guess I must not have mentioned it to you before, either," Alya said, looking thoughtful. "Hm. Anyway, I've been contacting people at the Louvre and at the Eiffel Tower and Chloe's dad and Sabrina's dad and the principal to ask if I can get the raw security camera footage from the akuma fights that go through there, and they all said yes! So I've been going through that and splicing together stuff from different cameras to try to get as much of the fight covered as possible."

Now Adrien was frowning, too. "Really? They just happen to know which cameras Ladybug and Chat Noir have gone past?"

Now Nino snorted. "Of course not. They just basically give Alya all the footage from the cameras for the duration of the fight and she- well, we, I've been helping- have to go through and find which cameras Ladybug and Chat Noir went past and when."

For some reason, both Adrien and Marinette now looked deeply alarmed.

"Anyway, we've been noticing some weirdness on some of the clips," Alya told them. "It get corrupted for a bit, mostly near the start of the fight before the superheroes show up or after the akuma's been defeated but sometimes in the middle, too. I've been puzzling over it for the longest time, and I think I've finally figured it out!"

"Really?" Nino asked, interested and finally distracted from his strangely pale friends. "How?"

Alya grinned. "It was some comments on the Ladyblog that finally got me to notice the pattern. The corruption is either before Ladybug and Chat Noir show up or right after they vanish- or, in the middle of the fight, if one of them has to go recharge, then it happens then, too."

Nino blinked, then caught on. "So you're saying that somehow their magic is interfering with the cameras and protecting their secret identities?"

Alya pointed at him. "Exactly! I thought when I started all this that I might accidentally catch them transforming or see someone where they weren't meant to be, but their magic just means that they can't be caught on camera. It kind of makes me wonder if they always have that effect on cameras when they aren't transformed, or if it only pops up when they're about to transform or just detransformed."

Nino was so caught up in thinking about it that he completely missed Adrien and Marinette's identical sighs of relief as they both slumped in their seats. "It's gotta be the latter. Otherwise how would you explain people never getting a good picture of you, if it happened all the time?"

"Maybe Juleka is Ladybug, then," Marinette offered, giggling a little. "Remember, she was convinced that she had some sort of photo curse?"

"And now she's figured out how to manipulate the magic so that she can get normal photos again," Alya joked, sounding serious for a moment before she laughed. "Nah, she can't be, she was akumatized and fought Ladybug and Chat Noir. Remember that?"

Nino shuddered. "How could I forget? I was stuck in a skirt and high heels for ages!"

"I rocked the platforms," Adrien bragged. He grinned at Nino's raised eyebrow. "What? Sure, they were hard at first, but with a little practice..."

Nino just shook his head and groaned. "You would, dude. You must have been hidden, though. I couldn't find you after Reflecta left."

"Yeah, the outfit and the makeup would do that, probably," Adrien pointed out with a laugh. "I mostly decided to stay out of the way. And that fight didn't last that long. Ladybug and Chat Noir defeated her within an hour."

"Okay, fair."

"What would you do if you found something that told you who Ladybug or Chat Noir are?" Marinette asked, pulling the conversation back on track. "I mean, you can't see them transforming or detransforming, but if..."

Alya waved a hand. "Oh, I would destroy the footage as fast as possible. Hopefully I wouldn't recognize them-" though she wasn't certain about the probability of that, considering that Nino had been picked as a temporary superhero, too. What were the chances of that happening if Ladybug at least didn't know them to some extent? Unless of course it was a coincidence since she was the well-known Ladyblogger and Nino had already been out in the middle of the fight before Ladybug grabbed him- "and so it wouldn't matter if I saw them for two seconds."

Adrien looked astonished. "Really? I thought that was your dream, to figure out who they are! Not that I don't support the deleting thing," he added quickly. "That's probably safer for them. But what made you decide to change your mind?"

Well, she had become a superhero herself, for one. She had realized that she didn't really want the city to know her identity, because what if the akumas targeted her family and friends? And then Nino was a superhero, too, and what if people knew that and she became a target? She had figured that if she didn't want the city knowing her secret identity, she should probably extend the same courtesy to Ladybug and Chat Noir. And Heroes Day had proved that even superheroes knowing the secret identity of other superheroes wasn't necessarily safe. But instead of saying any of that, Alya just said "Well, I realized that it wouldn't be safe for them. And I figured that we should probably respect our superheroes' wishes since they've done so much for the city."

Adrien grinned. "That's very mature of you, Alya."

Alya just shrugged. Really, there had been so much more to it than she had let on. He was probably giving her too much credit, considering it had taken her being in the superheroes' shoes to realize what she had. "Yeah, well. I'll get a big scoop someday. I just refuse to have it at the superheroes' expense."

  With the start of summer came more free time, and Alya attacked her backlog of footage with gusto. It was slowly shrinking as she and Nino dug into it with occasional help from Adrien or Marinette, deleting the superhero-less footage out and discarding it. It had become a bit of an obsession now that she had plenty of free time, and Alya had finally- finally!- figured out how to have several streams going at once on her screen and how to pause the others and switch to just one when there was footage that she wanted to watch more closely.

It made things go a lot faster, that was for sure. She was getting through a couple akuma attacks per day, and she finally had to start queuing things up so that the Ladyblog wouldn't get overwhelmed. One per day would be good, maybe two if they were short fights. Alya prioritized newer fights, too, knowing that the old ones were interesting but also old news. The newer fights generated more views and more interest, but it wouldn't be long before the next wave of akumas took over public interest.

Still, Alya loved having that old footage. She loved watching Ladybug and Chat Noir facing up against the akuma, and she loved seeing Ladybug's creativity when faced with a strange Lucky Charm. Their teamwork was so strong, and the way that they absorbed the occasional extra teammate and worked in those powers- yeah, it was pretty obvious why they had been chosen to be the city's main superheroes.

She was digging through her folders of akuma fight footage when she spotted a particularly large one. Alya frowned, puzzled- what, had the entire city been involved in the fight?- when she noticed the date. It was from Heroes Day.

"Oh yeah," Alya said eagerly, grinning as she clicked on the folder. This had been one of the battles that she really wanted footage for. All five superheroes at once in the boss battle? Yes please. All of the existing footage of the fight had been filled by possessed people, so it would be great to get literally anything else.

It was going to be difficult to piece together all of the bits of footage that were bound to be all over the city, but hey, it was summer and Alya could probably rope her friends into helping. And hey, if she could get Adrien roped in, he had several computer monitors. He could use all of them at once and have a ridiculous number of feeds going all at once. But Alya was impatient and wanted to get another look at the fight, so she flipped through the camera files until she found a set on the Eiffel Tower. They opened right before a fox-themed supervillain got there- and ugh, Alya immediately found herself annoyed. Another Volpina? Why were there so many people in Paris who seemed to have some sort of design on the Fox Miraculous?

Ugh. She was going to scour the footage to see if she could get a glance at this new Volpina's unakumatized identity. One Fox villain before Rena Rouge had showed up was one thing, but again? Nuh-uh.

Alya watched as once again, chaos descended on Paris. Volpina detransformed- uh, could Hawkmoth recall akumas? Then why had the baby akuma actually happened at all?- and revealed- uh, was that Lila? What was Lila doing in Paris? She had told the class that she was out of the country and wasn't going to be returning yet!

Okay, something was definitely up there. Maybe Marinette was on to something when she said that she didn't trust Lila. Especially when- they had talked to Lila on Heroes' Day, hadn't they? They had video chatted with her as a class. She had said that she was abroad, and it had looked like she was, too.

Strange. Alya was going to have to do some digging there for sure.

On-screen, the red butterflies descended on Paris. Alya winced as she remembered the terror that had reigned. They had been tricked by Volpina's illusions- and wait wait wait. Alya rewound the footage to when Lila detransformed and- oh, she looked disappointed when she was detransformed, as though she knew what she had been doing and had wanted to continue.

Even stranger. Also really, really concerning. Alya was going to put a hold on making any plans with Lila until she figured out what was going on there.

Alya continued watching. Red akumas found their mark, and Hawkmoth emerged, watching over the panic. Red bubbles bloomed into oversized akumas, and then... well, more chaos. There was screaming in the streets as people were turned into akumas and everyone else fled- well, there looked like there was screaming in the streets, at least. The cameras didn't pick up sound, which did take away from the experience, just a bit, but she could imagine what it would have sounded like.

The sheer amount of footage that Alya was getting from just the Eiffel Tower was astounding. She could only imagine how much she was going to get across the city, though the ice appearing now from the re-akumatized Frozer probably took at least a few of the feeds out. If she just played it all one camera at a time, it would be an insanely long video.

She might have to learn how to play several streams at once in a split screen. Hawkmoth would have to be shown at all times, Alya thought, and then she could do flashes of different akumas and also show the superheroes. They would fill the screen when they were doing an intense fight, maybe and-

Oh, Alya had so many ideas for the video already and she had only watched part of four streams so far. The number of akumas and the civilian resistance- which, by the way, amazing- meant that she could really play with angles and video cuts and oh, it was gonna be great.

It was also going to be a whole lot of work. Alya was probably going to spend the entire week picking out clips and then deciding which ones she wanted to use, and then it was going to be another few days of editing.

Hopefully her friends would be willing to help her out. They could blast through mostly-boring feeds in no time and get stuff trimmed down for her to review. Maybe she could even get Max to help her with the split-screen editing stuff, since he understood all of that technical talk.

Smiling widely, Alya turned back to her computer. Most of the footage at the moment was just Hawkmoth standing up on the Eiffel Tower with his two singers- and boy was Alya going to rake him over the coals for that, it was ridiculous- and so she had to wait for Ladybug and Chat Noir to head up like she knew they had. Thankfully the camera on that level wasn't iced over at all, like the ones on the lower levels were. This time, she had a front-row seat (abet at a bad angle) as she saw Lila get akumatized again (and boy was it interesting that Lila didn't look at all alarmed about the butterfly approaching her- she looked eager) and Volpina conjured up a second Hawkmoth while the real one hid.

And boy, was that ever an anxiety-inducing experience, watching Ladybug and Chat Noir approach the decoy while the real Hawkmoth hid down below, ready to surprise them from behind. Somehow Ladybug noticed him creeping up on them- and how, Alya had no idea how, she and Chat Noir seemed a bit distracted by trying to get Hawkmoth to do the right thing by turning over his Miraculous- and then they were fighting. Hawkmoth's cane-sword went down, but he didn't go down with it.

Alya sat up and watched as the three secondary users re-joined the fight just in time. She wondered where they had gone wrong, where they might have messed up and could have done better. The next bit was also the only example they had so far of the mysterious Peacock user's powers, and they needed to know what to expect in case they came into play again.

It wasn't that the Peacock's powers seemed that dangerous, at least not from what they had seen so far. Their team had just been taken off guard, and that gave Hawkmoth enough of a distraction to run off like the coward he was. Alya watched the giant moth vanish after Ladybug hit it, and she wondered if it would have vanished so easily if Ladybug had hit it when Hawkmoth was still there. Had the Peacock backed off as soon as Hawkmoth had retreated?

On one of the streams, the superheroes glanced around, trying to figure out where Hawkmoth had gone. Meanwhile, a Hawkmoth-shaped blob limped- had he been injured? They should have looked for him!- past one of the iced-over cameras, and then slumped down against a wall. Alya leaned forward, eager, as Hawkmoth sat there for a few seconds, likely shaken by the whole run-in.

Was he going to detransform? Had they really caught Hawkmoth on camera, after nearly a year of attacks? The ice on the camera would make it hard to see exactly who it was, but Ladybug's Miraculous Cure was bound to come zipping past any moment now. Was this her big scoop-?

"Ugh, and there's that distortion," Alya complained, flopping back in her chair as the already-fuzzy footage got even worse as a burst of purple lit up the screen. "C'mon, really? Can't his kwami not provide magical protection for him? The dude doesn't deserve it."

Alya sulked at the screen as a rush of red went by, clearing off the ice but doing nothing for the magical distortion. She could make out a bit of a shape on the screen, and colors- red and white- but no details, and static regularly cut across the already blurry picture. The static stayed there for longer than normal, and then the blurry, pixilated shape of civilian Hawkmoth finally got up, heading for the stairs. It was only once he had fully exited the frame that the picture finally snapped back into focus, one last bit of static cutting across the screen before the picture stabilized for good.

"Oh, come on," Alya groaned, flopping back on her bed. "That's so unfair that we were so close, and this freaking arse just- just waltzes out of there? Just walks away down the stairs and off of the tower and- and- ugh!" She slapped her fist down on the bed next to her- and then she froze. "Wait. Wait, wait, wait. He walked off of the Eiffel Tower. There have to be more cameras on the staircase and at the bottom. If he didn't detransform in front of those, would they have gone out, too?"

She didn't know. She had never really tracked other cameras from the area after the fights ended, so she didn't know if they had caught the civilian Ladybug and Chat Noir or not and she wasn't going to go back and look, not now that she knew now how dangerous it could be to have other people knowing a superhero's secret identity.

But now? There was absolutely no downside to finding out Hawkmoth's secret identity. It would be the biggest break of Alya's journalistic career.

Re-energized and laser-focused, Alya clicked back to her files, looking for the other cameras. It took a few tries for her to find the footage from the stair cameras and then she fast-forwarded to close to the end. There was a minute of anxious waiting, where Alya scanned the entire screen in case Hawkmoth had tried climbing down the side of the stairs or something ridiculous like that, and then a pair of feet appeared, headed slowly and almost unsteadily down the stairs. Before the feet could go down any further, though, the footage came to an end.

Alya let out a frustrated snarl and rewound the video a few seconds, pausing it right before it came to an end. Only a pair of perfectly white shoes and the hem of bright red pants came into view.

Those... those pants looked really familiar. Alya frowned as she stared at them. She couldn't quite place them, but maybe Marinette could, if Alya brought the footage over the next time that she went to Marinette's house. But that was stupid, Alya decided after a moment of mulling it over. Maybe they knew someone with pants like that, but there were several million people living in Paris. There was no guarantee that there weren't other people making the same (awful) fashion choices.

"So close," Alya complained aloud, glaring at her screen. If only Mr. Raincomprix had sent footage that was a few seconds longer! Except- oh, that was it! All she had to do was email him and ask for the footage from the lower-level cameras running from maybe a minute before the end of the fight to several minutes after the current end time. That would be sure to get her lots of footage of Hawkmoth, and surely he would be recognizable in some of it.

She had to hope that the footage still existed and it hadn't been written over at all. It would be close- it had been over two months since that battle- but Alya knew that she had gotten older footage from the Eiffel Tower before.

Hopefully that stuff hadn't just been saved for longer because of the akuma attack.

Excited, Alya turned back to her computer. If she was going to file a request for more footage and hoped to get it in a reasonable amount of time, she needed to have all of the information possible- what the camera IDS were, the exact date and times that she wanted were, everything. Just to be sure, Alya checked her other files to see which cameras would be focused on either the place where Hawkmoth detransformed or the stairs that he had gone down, writing the code for every last one down. Once she had that, she folded up the list and stuffed it in her pocket as she raced for the door.

"Alya, remember that you're going to be babysitting the twins in two hours," he mom called out as Alya raced past. "You'll be back by then, right?"

Alya had to bite down the frustrated noise that nearly escaped because even though this was critical, this was huge, it wasn't as though she couldn't wait a little longer to review the footage. And she could review the footage while sitting out at the kitchen counter with her sisters watching a movie in the living room, it would just be harder. "Yeah, I'll be back!"

And hopefully, she would come back with the footage that would change everything.

  Officer Raincomprix was all too willing to bring Alya over to the Eiffel Tower to get more of the footage, all without her having to explain anything. He showed her to the people she needed to talk to and then trotted off to deal with a littering teenager while Alya was ushered inside of the office. The staff were all helpful, and soon Alya was leaving with everything she needed, with no questions asked.

She supposed that it was good that all of the adults were so busy, because she didn't exactly want to explain. Really, Ladybug and Chat Noir should be the first ones to know about Hawkmoth's identity.

Alya jogged back towards her family's apartment, memory stick clutched tightly in her hand. On it, she hoped, would be evidence that would show her Hawkmoth's identity. She was nearly back to her building when she ran smack-dab into a very familiar figure.

"Yo, I was just looking for you!" Nino exclaimed, pulling Alya up. He bent back over to grab the memory stick that she had dropped before the passing pedestrians could kick it away and handed it back to her. "I was trying to text you earlier, but I didn't get any response."

Alya winced. "I'm so sorry! I just got really distracted by my video editing. I opened up the folder for Heroes' Day and I got really distracted."

"Oh, that was a crazy fight. I bet there was a ton of footage. Well, until everything got all icy, at least." Nino glanced down at her as they continued down the sidewalk. "So can I ask why you were out? You look out of breath."

"Not out here," Alya warned immediately. She didn't want a passerby overhearing and trying to grab the memory stick to grab the discovery for themselves. "Come inside with me. I can tell you there, and at any rate I have to be back in-" she checked her phone- "fifteen minutes anyway to babysit my sisters."

Nino followed without question, looking interested.

"So did you find something interesting in the footage?" Nino asked curiously. "You must have. Or was there footage missing, was that why you were out?"

"Not quite," Alya told him, grinning. "I needed more footage, yeah, but it wasn't during the middle of the fight. It was at the end, because I almost had Hawkmoth's civilian self on tape."

"You- what?" Nino asked, freezing for a few seconds before jogging up the stairs alongside her again. "You think you have Hawkmoth on tape? I thought that the magic messed with the cameras!"

Alya grinned. "It does. But where he detransformed- he had to go down the stairs, and there's another camera there. Before, I could see his shoes and the hems of his pants, but now I have an extended clip of the video! It should show him coming down the stairs into sight."

Nino looked impressed. "Oh, that is amazing. But what if it's not someone you know? I mean, there's a lot of people in Paris."

"Well, I'll turn the video over to Ladybug and Chat Noir. They can decide if they want to get the police involved. They might recognize the guy, too." Alya was assuming that she wouldn't recognize Hawkmoth, but she supposed that it was a possibility. "Or we could help by asking Max if he can run some sort of face recognition thing, so that they don't have to go to the police. I'm worried that the police might try to take over themselves and end up getting really hurt by underestimating him."

"Yeah, they might try to do that. Freaking adults, thinking that they know better than the actual experts." Nino shook his head, disgusted. "But do you think Max can do that? I mean, I know he's good at computers, but face recognition- that sounds like he would have to tap into files from, like, ID cards or something."

Alya shrugged. She supposed that was true, but Max was crazy smart and also had Markov. She was sure that if she asked, he would try to see what he could do for her.

"So are you gonna look at the footage now?" Nino asked as they reached her floor. "I thought you said that you have babysitting to do."

"I do, but I wanna at least look at the footage first, if I can." Alya pulled out her keys to open the apartment door. "And I was planning on just putting on a movie and some snacks for my sisters so that they stay out of trouble while I work. They should stay out of trouble that way."

Nino gave her a supremely dubious look. "Your sisters, staying out of trouble?"

"I'd still be in the room! And it's not like I would have headphones in or anything."

"...would you like me to stay there while you do your video stuff?"

"That would be amazing," Alya told Nino, leading him into the apartment. She waved to her mom as they headed down the hallway. "But I still have time to get this done before my mom has to leave!"

Nino glanced at the clock on the wall. "Uh, babe, you only have ten minutes."

"Do you really think I can't get this done in ten minutes?" Alya led the way into her room and wriggled her mouse, waking her laptop up. "You know me better than that. I know exactly where to look in the footage."

"And you really think you'll be able to focus on looking after kids once you've seen Hawkmoth's face?"

...Alya had to admit that that was a very good point.

"I can show you the footage leading up to the end while the computer recognizes my memory stick," Alya told Nino as she plugged the new flash drive in. She rewound the footage. "See, here's Hawkmoth escaping- but he didn't go far!"

"That ice on the cameras is annoying," Nino commented as the footage played. "Is all of it like that?"

"A few cameras were spared, I think," Alya told him. "Including the one on the main level, thank goodness. I mean, there's a few blurry spots from where the ice extended onto the lens a little bit, but it's mostly clear."

"Oh, and now it's worse," Nino added. "He detransformed right in front of the camera, holy cow."

"Yeah, I was really hoping that the distortion would go away since he seemed to be hanging around, but no such luck." Alya watched as on-screen, the ice cleared away and Hawkmoth finally got up, heading for the stairs. "So watch here- there's no one besides him and the superheroes on the Tower, right? Well, them and Lila, but that's beside the point. It got evacuated pretty fast, and anyone who didn't get off got akumatized or hit by Dark Cupid. So he's headed for those stairs."

"So whoever comes down is Hawkmoth, right," Nino agreed. Then he paused. "Wait, you said Lila? But she was abroad!"

"Apparently she lied." Alya stopped the tapes right where Hawkmoth's feet appeared on the stairs. "Okay, so the stuff that I got should start about thirty seconds before the end of these, so there's some overlap."

A tension rose in the room as Alya got the new files set up to play. She kept glancing at the clock while things loaded, watching as the time for her to move into the living room ticked closer and closer.

She wouldn't be able to stand it if she had to stop at this point. Even if it was only for a short break while she said good-bye to her mom and got the twins set up with their movie and their snacks, she couldn't. She was so, so close.

This had to work.

"Loaded," Alya announced as soon as the program was ready. "And here we go!"

She and Nino leaned forward as they watched the feed from the stairs on the screen. There were thirty seconds of anxious waiting, and then Hawkmoth's shoes appeared on the stairs. They headed down unevenly, revealing the red pants cuffs once again.

"Oh, he's shaken," Nino murmured, a grin evident in his voice. "Super shaken. Serves the asshole right."

Another step, more of the pants were revealed. They watched in anxious silence as the red pants gave way to a very familiar ivory jacket, then a striped necktie, and then Hawkmoth took one more step down the stairs, head hanging down as he made his way down the Eiffel Tower.

And much to Alya's surprise, she recognized the face that went with those atrocious fashion choices, even at this angle. And from Nino's sharp inhale, she knew that he had, too.

"Well," Nino managed after a minute of trying to find his words. "This is bad."

And with that, Alya could only agree.

[cc-still-going-strong]

Second Chance - Klaine fanfiction

Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel

Summary:

Blaine and Kurt has been happily live in their marriage for 10 years. 5 years after married at 22, they decided to adopt a child, her name is Angela. She is the perfect addition for their family.

However, after Blaine successfully win the election and become a Congressman, he is buried in works, he can’t even go home with his loves, his head is full with politics things he has no more place for his family anymore. Stressful, angry Blaine pull it out on them, instead.

Until one day, Kurt tells him something he never ever has dream about, even in his worst nightmare.

Can he makes it? Would Kurt ever give him a second chance?

=====

Blaine Anderson was having a rough time.

For the last 5 months, he had spent most of his time in his office. The promise he made for his campaign is now biting his ass back. It isn’t that he lied about that, it’s just his opponent try to mess up all of it, and won’t stop bringing it up to make his image worse.

He barely stay at home more than 6 hours a day, include his sleeping time. He became an irritating person, who get mad at everything.

Whimsically, the one at the end of his fuss most of the time is the one he loves more than anything in his life – his Kurt. And we all know Kurt, he isn’t the one who keep silent when you throwing tantrum at him… Eventually, everything is a mess! They fought everytime he was at home, or gave each other cold shoulders around Angela. He knew it was him who started it, he knew what he did was wrong right after he left the house in a rage. But he couldn’t control it. He felt so weak everytime it happened, as if he losing himself and pushing Kurt away so hard it would end badly. However, he made the same mistake again and again…

===

Blaine sighed a really long breath before opening his apartment door at 5 AM.

Kurt made him promise to get back home before 11 last night. He clearly broke it, but he was so tired to even give a thought about it, he just went into to kitchen, tried to keep himself silent as possible.

Something in the trash can caught his eyes, a square box with pink ribbon, covered in spaghetti noodles, broccoli, beef and something looked like candles. He blinked a few times, he can hear something boiling in his head, but chose to give it a go instead.

He opened the fridge, took a beer bottle and knocked it all up, took some sandwich Kurt made him this morning but he forgot to take with to work. After finished it, he got in the bedroom and found Kurt was sleeping peacefully in their bed.

Didn’t want to bother his sleep, Blaine decided to take a bath and a change of clothes before going back to his office later. He will take a nap there instead.

===

40 minutes later, Blaine stepped out of the bathroom, to his surprise, Kurt wasn’t in bed.

Blaine guessed that he is in the kitchen, a bit earlier than normal and making him and Angela some breakfast. He thought that maybe the first one in the last month they have breakfast together.

The smell of fresh coffee lured him into the kitchen, he can’t help a little smile when he saw Kurt’s tall and thin body – is he a bit… too thin compare with his memory? – standing next to the counter.

“Morning” - Kurt called him when he caught him standing next to the door. His emotionless face rang the bell in Blaine’s head. If he had a good sleep last night, he may act really different than this…

“What’s with that attitude?” – The inner thought tried to bite his own tongue right away but it was late.

Kurt took a deep breath, fidgeted with the ring in his left hand. “I didn’t know do you want a breakfast or not, so I didn’t make you anything. What do you want?” – he asked quietly, averted his eyes.

“If you make it with that kind of face, then nothing, thank you very much.” – not even in Blaine’s wildest dream that one day he would talk like this with Kurt; but something in Kurt’s attitude made him feel unsafe, attacking… he had to fight back.

He saw Kurt hands squeezing tightly, his eyes shutting, he was biting his lips so hard Blaine can see it bleeding a little, which make his heart clenched.

Before he could say anything, Kurt looked back at him, this time their eyes.

“I want to divorce”.

Blaine’s eyes widened, his stomach flipped off, he wanted to throw up.

He knew his behaviors weren’t good for the last few months, but he told Kurt the reason, he was always so supportive and understanding, what change? Why even Kurt tried to screw his life?

“I know I messed up a lot recently, but it’s because of my works, you know they are giving me a hard time. You, over all the people in this world should understand that!” – he fought back, exhausted but in rage. He had had enough with all those stress they gave him.

Kurt sighed, he looked at his left hand for a minute or two, then he took the silver ring on it, off.

“I know, I also know that you felt more tired and angry when you were home with me…” – Kurt said sadly – “And I totally understand… But it’s so hard time after time, Blaine.”

“And I don’t know since when we loving each other had became hurtful like this… I want to be the one you can’t wait to get home with, not the one you want to avoid a fight everytime you went home. I want to smile and welcome you everyday, not trying to planning how to not strangle you when I met you…” – Kurt cried.

Blaine felt his soul was sucked out of his body, he could sense that Kurt is serious here. His phone suddenly rang up, cut off what he intend to say to calm Kurt down, the ringtone was set for his office, it’s mean it was emergency. He reluctantly accepted the call, his eyes still fixed on Kurt, until something from the phone pulled his out.

“What!? A demonstration? Why?” – he screamed at the phone.

After a minute or two, Blaine fuming taking his coat and ran out.

“Blaine, we haven’t done yet!” - Kurt stopped him.

He glared at Kurt, only seeing red, why can’t his husband just dropped this bullshit thing for a minute, and leave him alone? Oh right, he is.

“You know what, Kurt. We are. We are done! I'm not have any energy to pamper you now, Kurt. Do whatever you want. Send me your divorce form or anything you want”

With that, Blaine stormed out of the apartment. Kurt standing behind, astonished but surprisingly wasn’t hurt as he had imagined.

“Papa!”

Only when an angelic voice calls him, he realized his face is covered in tears, his eyes still lingering looked at the door Blaine was left from. Quickly swept off his tears, he turned around with a tight smile.

“Good morning, honey” – his smile became brighter when he looked at his baby girl, their girl – Angela. Just like her name, she looked like an angel, with a brown curl long hair, two brighten blue eyes, combined with a porcelain skin. She is the perfect combination of Kurt and Blaine, the day they saw her, they knew it immediately that she belonged to their family.

Their used to be perfect family…

Angela tilted her little head, watching Kurt warily, took in his red eyes. She dropped her head, sadly asked.

“Daddy was home?”

“Yeah, he was home when you slept, he has to go to work early today so he can’t have breakfast with you. He said sorry” – Kurt lied without batting his eyes.

“It’s okay, I’m used to it” – she yawned as she answered.

“Do you want to take a day off? You stayed up really late last night though I told you to stop waiting Daddy.” – Kurt asked her nervously.

“It’s okay, I love school!” she reassured Kurt.

Kurt hugged his daughter tightly before lifted her up and sit her down on her own chair. It usually sat at the head of the counter, so that Blaine and Kurt could sit by her sides. But recently it changed with Blaine's so that she and Kurt could have easier chat when they had meals together.

The breakfast slowly passed by. Kurt’s dish as usual, still half full when they left.

===

Blaine pushed his lunch box away before focused in the document in his hand again. It had been three days since that fight, Blaine hadn’t gone home yet. He stayed at his office, asked his secretary to buy him few clothes to change. He didn’t want to face Kurt.

For the last three days, everytime he tried to sleep, he would dream about the moment Kurt asked him to get divorce. He couldn’t stand the face Kurt made then. It is the first time he had ever saw Kurt’s hopeless eyes looked straight at him like that.

He regretted what he said, he regretted that he chose to run away from Kurt that day, he regretted everyday he spent in this office instead went back and apologized.

But he couldn’t move. He scared to go back and see his husband disappointed face again.

His head whipped up when he heard a few knocks on the glass door. Sebastian!

“What are you doing here?” – He asked, confusedly.

“Working” – Sebastian shrugged. He is working with Nick – who is considered Kurt and Blaine’s best friend, in the same law firm, so they sometime still chat with him a little in Nick’s party.

“I can’t see I have any business with you right now, actually”

“Divorce form, ring any bell?” – Sebastian replied with the iconic smirk of him.

Blaine’s face turned white. He did expect it will come because he could see how serious Kurt is, but he still hoping opposite.

“He hires you?”

“Yeah, he couldn’t ask Nick and I’m the only other lawyer he knows. He wants this to be private, for you.” – Sebastian said in such a neutral face, but eyed Blaine warily.

“Put it there” – Blaine pretend to be calm, he couldn’t show any sign of miserably before this man. He knew this man real target.

“I can wait until you sign it, you know” – he said meaningfully.

“Not a chance, Smythe. Back off!” – Blaine glared at him, no more pretending.

“Well, for the last few years, this time is my biggest chance, isn’t it Anderson? Thank you for that, actually!”

“Few years? You really think 10 is just a few years?” – Blaine snorted.

“I told you this at your wedding, and I gonna say it again” – Sebastian downed his torso a little, looked Blaine in the eyes. “Never forget to watch your back.”

They glared at each other, there is no smile between them as they usually showed before Kurt or Nick. They knew they both love the same guy. That has never changed.

=======

The meet with Sebastian boiled his nerve, he tried his best to finish everything on time. But it’s still 11 when he done with it.

Exhaustedly went back to his home, surprisedly to see the door still opened.

He sneaked in to see Kurt and Angela sitting in the floor, Kurt never allowed them to sit like that. He didn’t have time to call them, because Angela sweet voice raised up before him, and it struck him, hard.

“You and Daddy want to divorce?” – she asked, emotionlessly.

He heard Kurt sobbed before answered. “Yeah, I’m sorry baby”.

“But what is divorce?”

“It’s mean we won’t live in the same house again, it will be me or him move out of here.” – Kurt explained, as he hugged her and put her in his lap.

“But it won’t effect you, honey, I swear. You can live with both of us. Just… separated. You will stay with me most of school day, and with your Daddy on the weekend if he has day-offs. If he isn’t, I will take you to the park, just like normal”.

He scrubbed her hair before continued – “And you will have two houses, with two bedrooms, you can decorate it two different styles as you always want; you will have double of your toys.”

She dipped her head, thinking carefully. “So… I will live with you, and when Daddy done working he will play with me?” - Kurt nodded.

“Isn’t it just the same as always? He will just has more works and then not play with me as he used to” – She sadly said. And that clenched Blaine’s heart. Since when his impression in her had changed into such a horrible man.

“He won’t, dear. He loves you so much, when he done with… this problem, he will run to you right away.” – Kurt reassured his lovely kid.

“But if nothing change, then why do you have to divorce?” – She asked.

Kurt looked deep into her eyes, he felt his tear is building up.

“I’m sorry, honey. I’m a selfish father. That is… for me.” – he said as he squeezed her tightly.

Angela confused for a moment. Her eyebrows furrowed. But then, suddenly, she was beaming when she found out what it mean.

“I know! If you and Daddy aren’t live together, then you don’t have to stay up late to wait for him anymore! Just as your birthday three days ago!”

Blaine shocked… He forgot. He had no ideas that was Kurt’s birthday. And it’s broke his heart. It wasn’t just a birthday, it was a sign that Blaine had pushed his loves away. Before he could recover from the shock. He heard Angela continued.

“And you don’t have to throw away the food you cooked all afternoon. You always tell me not to left my food, but since Daddy didn’t come home and eat with you, you throw away your own food, too. It wasn’t good, Papa”

“Yes, dear. It wasn’t good. Papa will stop, sorry.” He really surprised that she knew about all of that. But he didn’t know, she comprehended more than that.

“And you won’t have to cry every night because of Daddy anymore” – She said with tear rolling down her cheeks.

“How do you know that?” – Kurt didn’t deny, he cried almost every night; cried or worked his ass off is the only ways he could help him sleep without Blaine recently.

“I heard you sobbing sometime, I don’t like it Papa, I don’t want to see you cry” – she throwed her arms around Kurt’s neck, hugged him closely.

“If divorce Daddy make you happy again, I don’t mind” – She said sadly. “I can tie my shoe now, I can color my own drawing, I will do my math homework alone, I will learn to sing along Disney movies by myself, I will stop waiting for him to come to my school plays and I won’t ask you constantly to bring him there. I won’t need to live with Daddy, I’m used to it already. I can take care of myself, Papa”

She said it slowly, didn’t realize Kurt’s was full with tears. And both of them didn’t know Blaine was crying his heart out outside the door.

“Do you hate him, angel?” – Kurt asked her after a few minutes. Blaine scared to hear her answer, but he knew he also wanted to know.

“No” – She answered determinedly. “I’ll always love Daddy, he is a wonderful dad, you always say that”

She paused a little, warily judging Kurt. “Do you, Papa? Do you hate him?”.

The silence was killing Blaine, he was more than terrified to hear his husband words.

“Never. I’d never hate him. I love him too much for that” – He smiled at her, and she grinned back, happily knew that Papa wasn’t hate Daddy, after all those crying nights or fights.

Blaine closed his eyes, absorbed what Kurt said. He was so lucky to have him in his life. And then he heard Kurt whispered something, barely caught it.

“That’s why it hurt so much”

After set Angela back to her bed, Kurt swept his tears away, slowly observed everything, to remember what did he do before Angela interrupted him because of her nightmare and then they did the talk.

He looked at the door. It still didn’t locked after he went out to throwing garbage and got back.

He stepped into the door, a silhouette caught his eyes. It’s Blaine.

“What are you doing out here? It’s cold, let go inside!” – Kurt silently screamed.

Blaine looked up at his beautiful husband, with a tearful face. Regret poured out of his eyes.

“Can I really go home, Kurt?” – He asked.

Kurt looked at him confused. “You heard that?” – Kurt realized through all the tears and sadness of his husband.

Blaine sat up on his knees. He hugged Kurt waist, his head buried in Kurt’s hip.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry Kurt!” – he apologized.

“It wasn’t all your fault, Blaine. It was mine, too” – Kurt spoke above as he rubbed Blaine’s hair. “I know you have a lot of things put on your shoulders now, Blaine. I know I should help you share it. But…”

Kurt sobbed. “It’s hard, Blaine. I felt like everytime we met, we prepared to start another World War. I was starting to hope you won’t go home; I scared everytime I received your call, worried that I would fight with you again, and I did!”

“I don’t want us to be like that forever. I don’t want everything we have together, all turn into hatred! Let’s divorce, Blaine” – Kurt said.

“No, Kurt. I’m still love you. Please don’t end us.” – Blaine begging. “I was so, so, so stupid! I will never ever hurt you again, Kurt. Please, give me a second chance. A chance that you love me again.”

“Blaine…stop…”

“I swear, I will never be late again, I won’t forget any anniversaries again, I will kick myself if I ever hurt you like this again.” – Blaine was miserable. But he knew, if he let Kurt go away, he will be more miserable than this.

He will lose the love of his life… his family… his home… his Kurt…

The thought of losing Kurt kicked in, Blaine tighten his arms, refused to let go.

“Blaine…”

========

Three months later

“Angela! Are you waiting for your Papa?” – A girl around 7 years old, asked.

“No, Bella, today is Friday, so I’m waiting for my Daddy” – Angela answered her best friend.

Her name was called from behind, she turned her head, beaming to see his Daddy standing next to the school gate with a bag of her favorite muffins and another small paper bag.

She waved good bye with Bella before running into her father’s arms.

Blaine picked her up with one arm. “How is my princess?”.

She giggled before kissing his cheeks. “Wonderful! Today I learn to make paper flowers! And I got an A for Maths”.

“My angel is so smart, just as your Papa!” – Blaine beaming.

“Can we go visit Papa before we go home? I want to show him my A!” – Angela begged.

Blaine pretended to be thinking hard, amused watching his baby girl slowly pouted.

He used his index fingers to lift her mouth, made she laughed.

“Of course, darling!” – He said as he fastened her seatbelt.

They drove to Kurt’s theater, he just got a supporting role for a musical. He had to rehearsal everyday, with extra times on weekend; so that Blaine took charge of picking Angela every Friday.

Blaine suppress his laugh when Angela ran up to the stage and sneaked behind his Papa, and with a really surprise jump, she was hanging on his shoulder, laughing happily.

“Angela?!” – Kurt squeaked. “You scared me, honey!”

“Sorry, babe. I saw you guys are taking a break so I told her it was fine” – Blaine stepped up, gave Kurt the paper bag. It is coffee and a cupcake.

“Thanks, babe” – Kurt smiled and sighed happily when he took the coffee out immediately.

Angela held his fathers’ hands, gleefully; silently smiling at them when they talked.

“When will you be home, Papa?” – She asked when they had to leave.

“Soon, honey, around 8? What would you want for dessert? I will buy one when I get home.” – he ran his hand around her back.

“Cronuts! Daddy love cronuts!”

Both Blaine and Kurt looked at her, smiling merrily. She always thought about her fathers first.

“Okay honey, cronuts and strawberry tact, how about it?” – Kurt offered.

Angela nodded enthusiastically while waving goodbye Kurt’s crew.

Blaine sighed mirthfully at Angela ran around the living room, sang along with Ariel on the TV.

He can’t believe he almost lost all of this.

No, they didn’t divorce. But Blaine did sign the divorce form. He signed it as well as a list full of their properties and gave it to Kurt. As an insurance that Kurt can end this anytime he wants. Blaine knew he broke a lot of promises between them, he broke Kurt’s unconditional trust in him. He had to regain it a little bit everyday.

Everyday, after work, he would check his “Marital status” on his computer. To made sure Kurt didn’t send it in. For the first few days, he did it with terrified, scaring to lose his heaven. But later, it became an wonderful feeling, when he saw the simple sentence “Married to Kurt Hummel – Anderson”.

Yes, he’s married to Kurt Hummel-Anderson!

“Papa!” – Angela’s voice brought him back.

Kurt smiling when he stepped inside with a bag of dessert.

“I’m home, honey; babe!” – He said when looked at his daughter and husband.

“Welcome home, babe!” – Blaine smiling, loved the feel of those words slip out of his mouth.

And he wouldn’t change it for the world.

[thefangirlslair]

PERPETUAL WINTER (A Sasusaku Fanfiction) Part II

Note: It’s finally here. Wow, the last time I updated this was last May. Time flies so fast. Thank you to everyone who patiently waited for this. I hope this is okay. I don’t know if I did a decent job in making their emotions real but let me know please. Thank you! Their whole conversation wasn’t really the way I planned it. But it just happened as I was writing it, like it has a mind of its own. I hope it was okay. I’ve been anxious about this ever since I typed the first word. Aaah! So yeah, here you go. I hope I finish the whole PW series before this year ends. Thank you again for reading! Xo

PS. Been listening to a lot of sad songs while I wrote this so I included some songs. But I was listening to Back to You by Alex & Sierra and I got emo. Lol. This is also up on my ffnet!

--

Excerpt: "Can I kiss you?"

Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widen in shock. Her breath comes in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn't pray to any god now for he believes there is none. But if Sakura heeds his prayer then maybe there really is one.

Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No."

-

Sasusaku Pairing (10,304 words)

(Disclaimer: The lyrics aren't mine but from the writers of the songs I used. See author's note at the end. I feel so fucking horrible right now so I haven't reread this since I finished it. So I'm sorry for the typos and such.)

A Poor Attempt at Writing Fics

SasuSaku Edition X

Perpetual Winter Part 2

"When will we ever be truly happy?"

A quiet hum was the reply from the other line, his mother probably contemplating about what to say to him. He didn't mean to be this vulnerable but this is his mother, the only person he could trust with his whole life. More than his best friend, of course.

Few seconds passed and he heard Mikoto say, "Maybe when we accept that things aren't always meant to be."

He sighed, looking outside while leaning back on his first-class seat inside the plane headed to New York. The sky is a bit dull, thanks to the winter of the upcoming Christmas.

"Yeah," he quietly agreed. "Maybe then."

He heard his mother sigh in return and asked, "Did you at least talk to your father before you leave?"

He closed his eyes and thought about his talk with his father earlier, "We're okay now. He called me while I was with Itachi."

At the mention of his brother's name, he's sure he heard a quiet hitch in his mother's voice when she spoke. "I can't believe it's been 10 years. Time flies so fast."

10 years since Itachi died and yesterday was the anniversary. He went to Itachi's grave and stayed there for hours, talking to his dead aniki once in a while and just thinking about everything. Before he went home, his father called him.

There's no question that he loves his father, but they just don't get along really well ever since he was a child. Their relationship was forever scarred when he agreed to the heir position. He thought, and probably his father as well, that their father and son connection was truly lost.. until yesterday when Fugaku called him.

He couldn't even remember the last time they talked on the phone, or the last time he heard Fugaku as a father, not as the Uchiha patriarch.

"I'm not proud of most things," Sasuke remembered his father say. "I've done things I regret and will forever haunt me. But if there's one thing I'm proud of.."

He held his breath as he waited for his father to continue. Then he heard his emotionless father in a strong but cracked-on-the-edges voice, "It's the two of you. I'm proud of your brother, and I'm proud of you Sasuke."

If he could cry by then, he would've cried. But there are no tears left to cry now for his last tears were already shed years ago. But nonetheless, he felt his heart ache because of his father.

His father added, "I'm sorry. For everything."

It's nothing new, this ache that's been living in the beating organ of his body for so long now. His heart will always ache because of his family. Most of the time, it's in a painful way, but not this time. This ache is the kind you feel when you know something heavy is being lifted from you. Sasuke sighed.

"Tou-san," he whispered through the phone, and looked down at Itachi's grave. The snow lightly falling around him touching the stone and his hair.

He heard Fugaku softly gasps on the other line, definitely shook by his address. But then later replied, "Yes, Sasuke?"

He smiled softly, feeling the air around him shifts as if comforting him. Nii-san, he thought by then.

"Thank you," he sincerely said. "And I'm sorry, too."

Looking back from yesterday as he opened his eyes to reality, he felt warm. He said to his mother, "Yeah, it is."

Mikoto asked, "When are you coming back?"

"Just in time for the Christmas ball. I have to be there," he said gruffly. He heard his mother laugh softly.

"Will you bring a date?", Mikoto asked in a teasing voice.

He snorted, "You know I don't do that, right?"

Mikoto sighed. 9 years have passed since her son broke down that December night, following the shattering of Sasuke's heart. She will never forget that night. She knew as she held him on the floor sobbing his heart out that it would take an awfully long time to heal, but not this long. Her son is 29 now — driven but tired, strong-willed but fragile, loved but lonely.

"Do you have at least any plans? You can even bring just a friend, you know that," Mikoto pushed.

There was an announcement that the door of the plane is closed and now ready to take off. All electronic devices should be turned off and Sasuke exhaled inwardly for he has avoided his mother's prying. Mikoto also heard the announcement and nearly rolled her eyes.

"I need to go. I'll call you when I get there," he said to Mikoto.

"Okay, son. Take care. Don't overwork yourself," concern and love evident from her voice. Sasuke smiled gently.

"Aa. You too."

Sasuke finally turned off his phone and waited for the plane to take off. He thought about what his mother implied earlier. Bring a friend?, he thought. As if I have a lot to choose from. I only have Naruto and-

He sighed. That "friend" is definitely unavailable. She's probably off somewhere in America where she's happily living her life with her husband. The last time they met, she was newly engaged. He didn't bother to know how she's been doing for the past 3 years. He didn't want to risk the longing he might feel. Only God knows he does.

But he remembers that it was winter, as it always been for the both of them. Green eyes across from him, pink hair blowing in the cold wind, red lips on his skin — he remembers it all.

As the plane drifts, so does he — where the memory of their last reunion lives.

--

3 years ago

Love is just a state of mind.

This was his mantra every single day since the day he left Japan. Yes, there were doubts, but he strengthens his resolve every damn day when he wakes up. He remembered saying it to himself yesterday, and even earlier when he woke up. He always tells himself that maybe it's just all in his head now — that he already moved past every shit he went through, that he's not stuck loving the same person for only god knows how long; the same person he broke in front of him that first snowfall of that year's winter and he's now reunited with, wearing that smile and that fucking ring.

'Love is just a state of mind', he repeated for the second time today as he watched her talk outside. 'You actually don't love her anymore. You're just nostalgic of the memories. You're just being dumb.'

The little jolt of pain from his chest says otherwise. He's been telling himself that line since he went to study business the following year when they broke up. But today, Haruno Sakura managed to put all Uchiha Sasuke's progress he worked hard for more than 2000 days in just less than an hour within her orbit. She's so lethal.

'Love is just a state of mind, my ass.'

He watched her talk animatedly outside the café. In her rush to talk to that 'Neji-kun', she mumbled a quick 'excuse me' to Sasuke and forgot to bring at least her scarf outside. Sasuke watched as she repeatedly hunch her shoulders to her neck and run her gloveless tiny hand on her arm.

And even though he saw how her hand holding the phone shake a little because of the cold, he could also see the happiness radiating from her smile and the brightness of her jade eyes even from where he's sitting.

It stings a little, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. Not when she looks that way — not his anymore, but still so beautiful.

Timing is a funny thing. Once you thought you're over it, one pink-haired beacon of spring will bloom in your eternal winter and blow all your progress into next week. What a woman. He will never find anyone better.

Sasuke fought with himself to look away from her and when he did, he looked at the chair that she occupied a few minutes before she went outside. It reminded him of a time when sitting across from her bright eyes and even brighter smile once annoyed the hell out of him. Not because he hates it but because he's started to like it; he even craved for it.

Innocent coffee hang-out as they do algebra, group study with some of Naruto's friends for an upcoming english quiz, spontaneous pizza parlor visits after watching movies — all of them ending up across from each other. Never beside her, no. Always across, right there in front of him, as if saying 'look at me'. She never did say it, but he looked nonetheless.

Always.

Sasuke was pulled back to reality when he felt a tap on his shoulder as she moved towards her recently vacant seat, "Hey, sorry about that. Someone just checked in if I'm still alive or not."

She said it so lightly that someone might think she's only talking about the weather. He wanted to point out her ring finger and wordlessly ask if the caller was the same person who gave her that ridiculously huge piece of shit, ('she was never the flashy type. she hates the offending thing,' he thought) but he didn't. He just nodded and sipped his coffee that's as bitter as the taste of the truth is.

"It's fine," he added quietly.

He watched as she shivered on her seat as she takes a bite out of her muffin. "So," she drawls on. "How have you been?"

'So it begins.'

"Good. Business is doing great. Economy is booming as ever. Foreign investors are st-"

"Oh c'mon, Sasuke," she interrupted. "I'm asking about you, not your company or Japan's economic state."

He paused for a second to look at his coffee and say, "There's nothing to say."

Sakura actually snorted out loud for that, something that she did a lot when they were younger. "6 years and nothing happened to you? Only your business? Oh please, you know I know shit about business and all that."

That made him smile a little, "You know a lot more than you think. You're the smartest person I know."

A look of surprise and something he couldn't put a finger on flashed in her green eyes, and for a moment he thought she would blush like she always did when he pays her a compliment. Instead, she answered back steadily.

"Thank you. But still, I'm more on the medical field than your corporate expertise. I want to know about you."

It's making him frustrated. There was a time when he could catch her off guard and make her blush like crazy that makes him go crazy himself. Now, the woman sitting in front of him is so hard to read and so poised and feels so unattainable that even Uchiha Sasuke, the Uchiha Sasuke, feels inferior.

He swallowed the slight insecurity that suddenly gnaws at his bones for talking to this newest version of Haruno Sakura. She looks different; she sounds different. He now wonders if she smells, feels and tastes different too. He halted his thoughts before it goes worse.

He leaned back on his seat and shrugged a little, "I'm okay. Busy as always. I rarely have free time like this one."

She offered a small smile, "I bet. How's Colonel Mustard?"

He smirked at that, "Still grumpy and lazy as hell."

"How does he look like now? Do you have any pictures of him? I wanna see," she exclaimed with a tiny hint of excitement. How could he stand a chance to that face?

'You're hopeless, aren't you?', his own thoughts mocked him.

Sasuke took out his phone and scrolled down to his photo gallery. When he saw the picture of his cat taken by his blond idiot best friend, he tossed it to her and she caught it as naturally as a pro. He hid a smile.

As she scrolled away, he asked her back. "How are you?"

She briefly looked at him just then and answered distractedly, "I'm fine. I'm still pursuing my medical career and it's all good. Hard, but I think I can manage."

'Of course, no doubt about that,' he silently praised.

"I'm not so homebody anymore so I got a few friends. I got them when I started to attend a music class because I wanted to learn piano. I could play it really well now," she added. A hint of pride could be heard in her voice. "Oh, and guitar too. I didn't know th- oh!"

He heard the coo from his companion and silently watched her smile and comment on how his pet seemed to be weirder than before.

"All of his positions are so weird and funny," she said, her fingers covering her lips as she laughs. "And I guess Naruto can't be a photographer even if he wanted to. These photos are terrible."

He smothered a chuckle, "You know he's an idiot at everything." He paused for a moment and asked her, "How did you know it was the dobe who took it?"

She gave him a look that says 'Really? You're asking me?' and he immediately knew. Do you honestly think Uchiha Sasuke likes taking pictures of his cat? Hell no.

'You're so predicable, Uchiha. You think you're so sly, aren't you? Look at you now, asshole.'

Sakura returned her eyes to his phone, still browsing for his cat's terrible photos, until he saw her flinch a little and stopped scrolling. His brain automatically went from zero to 100mph and racked itself for what could've made her act like that. He's also annoyed that he noticed her flinch. It's because he's staring at her. Idiot.

She finally raised her eyes to meet his and said, "I guess you still kept it, huh?"

She brought his phone back to him and his eyes fell to what was displayed on it. Sasuke fought a shiver inside him because he immediately knew what she was talking about. He regrets that he decided to save it instead of ignoring it.

It was taken maybe 4 or 5 years ago in his apartment in London where he was studying business, and was recently sent by Naruto ('#flashbackfriday when your cat was still a bitch and you were still a workaholic ass. oh wait, you still are!', the blond captioned) through text. The photo was simple — Naruto taking a selfie with his cheeky grin, Colonel Mustard obviously scratching and struggling on the blond's arm as they lounge on Sasuke's room, and Sasuke in the background typing with his one hand and holding a cup of coffee on the other.

He didn't know Naruto was taking ridiculous selfies with his pet, but he did know that his best friend has this annoying habit of barging into his house and his room without a care. He already gave up scolding him.

But the one that made Sakura flinch and Sasuke's heart clench was the tiny and a bit blurry object on Sasuke's bedside table in the background — a frame with their picture together when they started dating. The said frame is currently in a box hidden somewhere in his old bedroom in their family house. He hasn't seen it in years. But seeing it now after so many years through a selfie photo of his best friend made him relive the said picture.

It's the only thing he kept from all the physical reminders of what once was. He was aware that it wasn't good, that he shouldn't have kept it on his bedside table and see it every time he wakes up. But it's the only thing he could look at without hurting much, because it reminded him of a good and innocent time. And with the life he had after their break-up, lonely and bleak and just plain cold, that picture gives him a hint of warmth and spring.

Or maybe he's just a masochistic son of a bitch.

It was a picture of them on Christmas Eve, the first one they shared as a couple, with them only just a few days of being official. You can say they were drunk — with liquor, with each other, with love. They weren't wearing fancy clothes nor inside a fancy house in a fancy party. They're in Naruto's apartment with a couple of their high school classmates, sweaty and lit and inebriated, counting down the seconds to Christmas.

Both their faces aren't shown in the picture, but you'll know it was them. Sasuke was facing away from the camera wearing a plain black t-shirt; his wide shoulders, blue-black hair peeking through his cap, and tall height as a give-away to his identity. The slight curve of his arm indicates that he was holding onto something. Or someone, rather.

Around his torso was a pair of arms, coming from a petite form that's obviously standing at his front. Then there is something peeking from his shoulder. The only things you can see are her bright pink hair, and her equally bright green eyes staring straight through the camera. You can tell she's smiling even if you can't see her mouth.

His face was sideways, so anybody would see the slight curl of his lips partially hidden through pastel strands of Sakura's hair. Throngs of people and their red plastic cups with confettis falling around are all a massive blur in the background. The only clear picture was the picture they made together — drunk in each other's arms but sober to know that it's all real.

God knows he would kill just for them to be back in that moment. It's foolish, it's dumb; but it's what his heart wants. He knows it deep in his gut and in his soul. He had never wanted anything ever.

But then, things change. People, too. And Sasuke is aware that this Sakura sitting across from him now is getting married to someone she chose to be with; someone she said 'yes' to; someone who isn't him.

Truth hurts. These are the facts, and he can't argue with them. No matter how much he shield himself from the onslaught of emotions running through his whole being as they look at each other 6 years after the worst time of his life, the truth is hitting him on the face. It's sitting on her left hand's ring finger and it's blinding and suffocating and god, he wants this misery to end. When will this ever end?

'How do I unlove you, Sakura?'

Sasuke wanted to maintain their eye contact, but he needed to breathe. He looked away and closed his lids, took a breath and held it for a few seconds as he thought hard before releasing it. He hoped that Sakura didn't find it weird.

As expected, she patiently waited for him to speak up. She obviously still remembers his habit of sorting out his thoughts first before blurting them out. He wanted to laugh. Sakura and the world have clearly moved on with their lives while there's him stuck on the same shit he's been doing since forever. So predictable, so pathetic.

He fought the frown that was threatening to form on his face and opened his eyes to look at her. "Yeah. I kept it," he finally said.

Sakura was just looking at him, analyzing him with those eyes of hers. 'Stop looking at me,' he thought.

Sakura finally replied, "I kept mine, too." His heart lurched for a moment. He remembered her own copy — same night, same party, same drunk picture; but in a different angle. Sasuke gritted his teeth to fight his urge to bite his lip. It's a habit of his when he doesn't want anything to spill from him and she knows it, so he just nodded stiffly in return.

She then added, "Why?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, hiding his nervousness and anxiety. "It reminded me of a good time," he truthfully answered but used with a light and careless tone.

Sasuke saw her frown at that. He felt the gears turning in her head as she prepares her next queries. Sasuke thought, 'I gotta divert this conversation.'

"Don't worry about it," he blurts out. "When my mother saw it, she told me I should not dwell on the past anymore. So I think she kept it hidden in our ancestral home."

He almost sighed with relief when he saw her face changed expression and settled with a small smile, "How's Mikoto, by the way? Does she still have insomnia?"

"She's doing okay now," he answered her, thinking about his mother and her insomnia when Itachi died. "She's good, don't worry. Her pies are still the best," he managed to give her a tiny smirk.

Sakura smiled, "That's good to know. The last time we saw each other, she looked worn down."

He frowned at that. 'They saw each other? When?'

His confusion must've been written all over his face so she said, "Didn't Mikoto tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

Her eyes widened a bit for a split second and softly answered him, "She sent me off at the airport before I went to the States. Mikoto was actually the one I saw before I boarded the plane."

Sasuke didn't know what to say, what to think. His mother? Why would she do that? What did they talk about? Why didn't Mikoto tell him?

He just continued blankly looking at her, lost for words. Sakura looked back at him with an awkward expression. Apparently, Sasuke wasn't the only one who felt uncomfortable all of a sudden.

After a few silent seconds that felt like hours, Sakura broke the silence. "We just briefly talked for a few minutes before the gates closed. She asked me what happened to us that time and how you were doing then."

Sasuke clenched his fist under the table and scoffed, "I hope my mother didn't tell you how miserable I was."

'Still am,' he corrected in his mind. 'How miserable I still am.'

Her eyes were steady on his when she answered, "She did, actually. She knew I was as miserable, too."

He's now regretting the vulnerability in his words. There's a pang of pain he felt in his chest where his heart lays beating weakly by the minute. He fought the need to clutch it like he did that night when he broke down in front of his mother in their living room.

'Why are we here? Why am I fucking here?'

Sasuke swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and concealed his true fucked-up feelings with a humorless smirk. "Aa. That sounds like my mother," he quietly replied.

He needed a minute. It's only been what, an hour of being reunited with his first love, and she's slowly but surely breaking down his armor with little to no effort? He wanted a drink or a smoke; anything but this already cold bitter coffee in front of him and this girl, this stranger, that has the face of his long lost love.

Sakura offered him a tiny smile and said, "Yeah. I hope I can see her before I leave again soon. Would it be okay to have her number? Or is it the same as before?"

"No."

Sakura blinked and looked taken aback at first with his abrupt answer, "No to what?"

"All of it," Sasuke dryly replied.

Sasuke couldn't take this any longer. He couldn't understand a thing, much less feel anything at all. All he has is this numbness slowly gripping his whole being.

Green eyes flashed for a second and he heard her say, "Why not?"

He countered with, "And why should you?"

Irritation can be heard clearly in her tone as she spoke, "She's not just another person in my life, Sasuke. I just want her contact number so I could talk to her."

"And I said no," he said. "There's no reason for you to reach out to her anymore."

He knows he's being irrational and being a bit childish to be honest, but he couldn't understand why she's doing this. Add that to the gnawing leech of ache in his cold and broken heart, you could say he can't think straight at the moment.

It doesn't help that she looks gorgeous while breaking his heart all over again.

Instead of being angry like he anticipated, Sakura's face turned concerned. 'That face,' Sasuke inwardly sneered.

"Are you okay?", Sakura calmly asked him.

He replied, incredulous. "Am I okay? Really?" He scoffed, "Yeah of course, you just told me my mom spilled my guts to you and now you're here trying to reunite with her like nothing ever happened. So why shouldn't I be okay?"

Sasuke was trying to compose himself because he could feel his voice starting to shake and rise from too much emotions. The last thing he wanted to do is create a scene in this coffee shop. He kept his face as blank as possible.

Sakura just stared at him for a long time before answering, "It's been 6 years, Sasuke. You should be okay." Then like just an afterthought, she added. "We should be."

'How is that supposed to mean?', he screamed in his thoughts. 'You're perfectly fine, absolutely okay. You're getting married, you got your life altogether and planned out, you still look amazing and I'm here wondering what the hell am I doing with my life."

With all those thoughts, only few words came out, "And what makes you think I'm not?"

"Your face says it all, Sasuke. I know you," Sakura replied, still using that calm tone she has.

It's grating on his nerves so that's why he didn't fight when he abruptly slammed his fist on the table as his voice rose slightly, "Stop it!"

Her eyes widened in response and darted around the place. In his peripheral, he saw some customers glance at them curiously. Fortunately, there are only few. It dampened his rising mood and slightly pulled him back to himself.

His eyes were boring into hers when he said through gritted teeth, "Stop saying you know me, Sakura. Like you said, it's been 6 years. Many things changed."

Not all of them, he could admit. Just like his feelings.

She sighed in response, "Yeah, I could see that. Just like when you opened the door for me. You never did that before." She concluded it with a small smile.

His insides were in a turmoil. Is every word she's gonna say will continue to rattle his emotional and mental state? Is everything gonna remind them of their past? Is everything gonna slap him in the face that they never had a closure in the first place and maybe that's why?

She continued talking, "I noticed that you're taller, and that you've gotten a bit of tan. You're not as pale as before. Your hair is longer. You've become more tight lipped, but I guess that's because it's me you're talking to. I mean, after the way we ended I could unders—"

"I said stop it," he said quietly.

Her eyes remained the same, calm and collected. But he could also see a hint of determination and question in them. He couldn't understand. Why does she look like a girl on a mission? Those eyes are steady and serene but piercing and brave at once.

Sasuke inhaled deep and softly asked, "Why are you saying these to me?" His eyes are still looking through hers, "Why are you here? Why did you drag me here?"

He just wanted to drink his coffee and read his books in peace. He did not ask for her to be there at the other side of the road before he crosses it nor ask for her to come along with him. He did not want to see her engagement ring on her finger nor see her drink her black tea.

He did not ask for Sakura to come back in his life and remind him of what he lost when he let her go.

"I want to catch up with an old friend and have coffee with him," Sakura answered casually but softly, her eyes still seeking his as if wanting to see his thoughts.

His anger started to come back and he blurted out, "Friend? We're hardly friends now, Sakura."

"But we were once."

"Yeah, before I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me," he said with his voice shaking from too much restraint. "Before we kissed with the intention of something more than being platonic. Before I introduced you to my family as my girlfriend and you brought me to your parents' graves."

Sasuke heard her softly gasped at that last statement but he continued, "Before that night when we broke up. Before right now where we're here, acting as if none of those shit happened to us."

'Before we made love. Before we argued like kids and fucked like adults. Before we stayed up all night just talking about our dreams in the future and woke up in the morning realizing that our future was already right fucking there, staring at us in the face,' he all but screamed inwardly.

He leaned forward to look at her directly and fought the urge to grab her face to reiterate all of what he's saying. Then he whispered to her with a voice laced with longing and regret and desperation.

"Before right now where I'm asking you.. why you are here. Why are you here, Sakura? Why did you come back?"

Sasuke saw her eyes and her whole face soften as they continue to look at each other, until he saw them cast downwards towards the table. He followed her line of vision and saw her left hand.

Several thoughts came running through his head, all jumbled and don't even make sense. But one thing stood out to him even without her saying anything — she came back to Japan because of her engagement.

His eyes flicked back towards her face and saw her looking at him, almost apologetic and tender that he felt his chest tighten. Then Sakura spoke, "I think you already know."

He did; he does. Ever since she picked up her call and he was almost blinded with how fucking shiny her ring was and with how he felt like being punched to the gut, yes he knows. He will never have her back.

Not now, not ever.

Sasuke stood up abruptly, forgetting everything except picking up his coat. In his mind, he only wanted to get out of there. Get out of this café, get out of her life.

And so as soon as his hands found his coat when he stood up, he quickly strode towards the door. The faint noise inside the café was all but a noiseless background in his mind. He was actually expecting Sakura to call out to him, and when he finally opened the door to exit, all he heard was nothing but the howling of the cold wind outside as it snows.

The door of the café closes and so does his door.

—

He never paid attention to his surroundings. He just kept on walking and walking under the slight fall of snow around him. The streets are busy and the people are busier, all of them trying to make it through the day. Sasuke is the same. He just wants to make it through today of all days.

He never once imagined their reunion would be like this. He had this brief fantasy before about them seeing each other again, and finally realizing that they were meant for each other. They will throw away all the bullshit they went through and start again, fresh and new. They will never part. Never again.

But he didn't anticipate the fact that Sakura could be loved by someone else, too. And in return, she could love that someone back.

Sasuke should've known better. She was the smartest, most patient, most beautiful person inside and out that he ever met. He should've known that one person could see and appreciate that as much as he do, and will do everything to fight for her love.

And that's what Sasuke didn't do — fight for her.

He released a pained breath and watched as his mouth formed puffs of air because of the cold. He then noticed that he was in a playground, sitting on a swing in a nearly deserted park. His tall frame was hunched down on the tiny swing, his long legs bent as he stared into the ground.

He had no idea how he got there, but it may be a subconscious act. He always liked things that remind him of a much simplier and innocent times in his life. He also didn't know how much time has passed, but with the faint glow of the sun in the west he could tell.

"I thought you'd be here," a voice came and knocked on the closed door of his heart. He turned his face towards it, he saw her and suddenly his doors came opening again.

The winter sun was directly behind her, giving her this eerie glow. Like a nymph; a spring nymph being born in his perpetual winter. He shivered inside.

Sasuke couldn't see her face properly but he knows she's looking at him with those eyes of hers. He couldn't see them, but he could feel.

He watched her as she approached him slowly as if he's a wounded animal. In a sense, he is. He feels like it. He's wounded for the longest time, deep and real that he's full of bandages. And now, she's here to rip it all off and pour salt in his wounds.

"You left these," she said as she passed him his paper bag full of books and his scarf on her other hand. He never left her face but silently took the things out of her grasps and placed the books down as he held onto his scarf. After a few silent seconds, he finally looked away from her and stared at the thing on his hands.

She spoke again, "I knew you'd be in a playground. You have always been like that."

He heard the chains rattled as she sat down on the other swing beside him, facing the other way. They sat there in silence, watching as the sky took a break from crying too much snow and families in the park prepared to go back home.

If you ask Sasuke right now, this might be the only thing that haven't changed between their dynamic — the silence. They have never needed words ever since they became friends and silence is a comfortable companion back then. When they became lovers, it was like their platonic third-wheel aside from Naruto.

Right this moment, it's a bit different. The silence is there, but it rang like no other, begging to be noticed. An obnoxious loudmouth bother, a deafening pierce of a non-existing noise; it's right there between the two of them. And with a heavy heart, Sasuke took a breath and broke it.

"You're getting married."

Sasuke saw in his peripheral that she whipped her head towards him. He kept his face straight and forward, his eyes trained on two little boys riding a bicycle with their parents following behind. He felt his heart twitch in nostalgia.

Sakura returned to her original position facing the other way from Sasuke. You can hear the amusement in her voice when she spoke. "He finally said it," she softly said, as if she's talking to an audience.

He frowned, not caring anymore and looked back at her. He saw her fiddling with her scarf around her neck, noticed that she's not wearing her gloves. He can see the ring, subtly reminding him of why they're here.

"I was wondering when will you talk about this," she said while looking down at her ring, her voice still soft and quiet. She put down her hands in her lap, "That was the reason I said all those things back there."

She then looked back at him and he met her round and honest green eyes, "It was a bit childish of me, I know. But.. I just had a feeling you weren't being honest with me back there."

'Oh fuck,' he groaned inwardly. 'No, we are not doing this. You are not doing this to me.'

Outside, his face scrunched up in confusion and frustration. "Why? Why would you do that?", Sasuke's voice is as quiet as hers.

Sakura kept her eyes glued to him, "I hate seeing you like that. It reminds me of our last night."

All thoughts evaporated. Heartbeats stopped. Breath halted. Sasuke could only do one thing and that's to stare right at the love of his life. He felt something sting behind his eyes and he looked away.

"I know you weren't being completely true that night. Like I said, your face says it all. I know you good enough even before we got together."

"It kinda hurts when I saw you doing the same back at the café. It brought back sad memories," she looked down. "And also because.. I already know, Sasuke. I already know the whole thing why. Naruto told me."

He fought a groan that tried to came out of his lips. First his mother, and now his best friend. Who's next? His father?

"He came to visit me in the States right before I started attending Harvard. He told me everything. The company, the merger.. the arranged marriage."

Sasuke remembered drinking with Naruto a few months after their break-up. And the next day, Naruto told him that his father wanted him to go to Massachusetts to attend a conference. He didn't bother to ask for details because he was still hungover from the night before.

"He told me you're a mess; that I should go back and fix our relationship because he can't stand to see you that way. Mikoto actually told me the same thing in the airport before I left but in a subtle way. Naruto was pained and sad for you, but Mikoto was scared and concerned."

He knows she left a week after their break-up in December. Before the year ended, he remembered his mother ask him if he will follow her. He said no. He wanted to, but he didn't.

"I want you to know I understand, Sasuke."

He gripped the chains of his swing hard. He couldn't even feel the cold of it anymore. He's overwhelmed by so much information that two of his precious people tried their hardest to save him in the lowest point of his life by begging her to come back.

How pathetic can he be?

"You weren't supposed to know," he finally spoke. His voice was gruff and tired. He feels so tired.

"It's impossible though," she answered. "I would've known it when the news of your marriage comes out." After that statement, she looked up again and asked him. "Now that I think about it.. why haven't I heard anything about your wedding?"

He exhaled, "She called it off."

Yes, Karin Uzumaki decided not to marry Sasuke Uchiha. He remembered the furious face of his father, the relieved exhale of his mother, the anxious fidgeting of Naruto, the wide eyes of Kushina and the amused smirk of Minato. But most of all, he remembered the determined eyes of Karin and the gratitude behind her slim frames when she looked at him.

"Oh," Sakura softly said. "What happened?"

He played with the scarf bunched at his lap as he replied, "She fell in love for the first time. I told her to decide what she wanted to do and I will respect it. She decided not to pursue the engagement then."

Karin was there for him when he and Sakura broke up. She was his companion in social events, casual dinners, drinking alcohol; but that's just it. A companion, a friend; and to Karin, he is the same.

Yes, they did try to become something more. They kissed once or twice, tried lunch dates, and went to movie theaters. But there was no passion, no spark. There's only mutual respect and comfort, and those aren't the only things a relationship should have.

When Karin told him that she met someone that she used to be classmates with in high school and they talked, she asked him about how did he know he was in love with Sakura. He answered with, 'It has always been a subconscious thing, I guess. You just know.'

So he wasn't surprised when after a year, she told him that she's finally in love for the first time. He told her to do what she wants, and she did. She fought for her feelings, fought for her love. And now she's free, married just a few months ago. Sasuke was her best man because he was her bestfriend. Naruto was pouting the whole ceremony.

Sakura didn't reply this time but she nodded as she looked away. Sasuke turned his head towards her then, silently looking at her side profile. Her cheeks are pink from the cold and her breath is visible. Pink strands are blowing in the wind making him smell apples. Now he knows that she also smells different; she smells like flowers back then.

Looking at her after 6 years felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. He felt like he was in a reality show, cameras are around him watching his every move and emotions that will run across his face; ready to laugh at him for the biggest prank of his life.

This is his reality. This is real and she's right there, wanting him to be completely honest with her. Say all his thoughts unlike that night; unlike back there at the coffee shop. He could do honest. He will be honest.

"You're still beautiful," he blurted out.

Sakura's eyes widen for a bit and she looked back at him. She blinked a few times, completely taken aback by his abrupt statement.

"I'm glad I haven't taken all your good parts," he continued. "I'm glad you've been able to move past the things that happened. I'm glad you're doing fine. I haven't told you I was proud of you that night when you told me you got in to Harvard so I'm telling you now — I am proud of you. I'm glad you're back.. even if it's because you're getting married."

Her green eyes were steadily shaking looking back at his black ones. Sasuke could see them shining and he hoped she doesn't cry because if she does, he is done for. He will be annihilated right there in the middle of a fucking playground.

With his eyes never leaving hers, he asked her. "Does he love you?"

Seconds stretched out and she finally managed to croak out a yes and a nod. Suddenly, Sasuke felt this incredulous urge to laugh. In the end, he let out a small chuckle.

He gave her a barely-there smile, "Of course he does." His voice was soft but it cracked in the end, "Who wouldn't love you?"

Sasuke saw her eyes gather tears and his fear of seeing them was finally falling from her eyes and right there staring at him in the face. His chest felt tight and his throat burned. He was only whispering his words but he felt like he shouted them to the heavens.

He twisted his swing with his legs to finally face his whole body to her form. He reached out to the chains of her own swing beside her thighs and moved it to face him. His legs widen and put hers between them so he could support the two of them.

As he looked at her face to face, from head to toe as they sit in an empty playground within an empty park, Sasuke felt alive. Given that he knew this woman silently crying in front of him is crying because of him, he felt alive for the first time in years. The dull colors of winter faded in the background and all he could see is the pink of her hair, the green of her irises and the gold of the sun slowly setting down behind her.

Tears kept flowing and her red-stained lips are shaking. Sasuke didn't fight it when he wiped her cheekbone with his thumb, and neither did Sakura. He used the back of his fingers as he wiped the other side. Sakura let him. It felt so surreal to Sasuke.

He was finally touching her again after 6 years. This was what he wanted to do when she was crying that night on the side of the road where they broke up. She feels different, he realized — softer, more delicate. Even though he knows the past few years haven't been nice to her, she still managed to become more than what she was before and after they ended.

Sasuke knows it was long overdue, and that these next words should've been said that night, and all the nights before and after that; but he says it anyway.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head no and opened her mouth, "No, you don't have to Sasuke-kun. I understand, you d—"

"No, Sak. You need to hear this," Sasuke interrupted. He looked at her intently, "I need this. We both do."

Right then, he realized that this reunion wasn't supposed to be the time where they would get back together as he wished for the last 6 years.

This reunion was for them to finally go their separate ways, to finally accept that things aren't always meant to be; and that includes them.

Onyx eyes bore into jade ones as he spoke freely, vulnerably, and longingly. "I'm sorry for not being the type to open the door for you. I'm sorry for diverting the topic when I felt like being too exposed. It's because you scare me with how much you know me and I was afraid you'll see how ugly I am inside."

She was shaking her head no as he continued, "I'm sorry for ignoring your calls when it all turned to shit. I didn't wanna hear how lonely your voice sounds, that's why. I'm sorry for bringing up your parents when we were arguing that night. It was insensitive of me and I was truly sorry as soon as I said it."

"Sasuke-kun, stop."

He couldn't hear a thing and his voice started to shake but he pushed through with all the pent-up remorse, pain and love bottled up inside him.

"I'm sorry for making you feel insecure, for making you feel less of a woman when we were together. I'm sorry for making you cry then and even now. I'm sorry I'm so messed up inside that I feel ashamed being able to talk to you right now."

He's blurting out his words and his eyes started to blur simultaneously. Sasuke couldn't see her clearly anymore, only the faint glow of her weeping eyes and the halo on her head made by the sun.

"Stop."

"I'm sorry for not fighting for you; for giving up. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, Sak. I'm sorry for breaking us. Not only that night but all the nights after I accepted my role in my family. I broke you when I said yes, and I broke us when you said it's over and I'm so, so sor—"

Sasuke felt her arms around him, her head against his shoulder and her tears on his sweater. He felt all the air inside him dissapear as his tears finally fell when he closed his eyes.

His face reached her head, and he buried it against her hair. And as he wound up his arms around her and crush her into him he whispered, "I'm sorry for letting you go."

—

They cried — for the loss, for the death, and for the love of them. They embraced for a long time, both of them not uttering a word. When their storm finally calmed and both aren't crying anymore, Sasuke opened his eyes and stared at the almost setting sun.

"Do you remember when you asked me before what my favorite song was?", his head was still against hers.

Sasuke felt her head move and put her chin on his shoulder, "Yeah, I do."

He reluctantly let go of her so he could look at her tear-streaked face. He offered a gentle smile, "I have an answer now."

In his pocket, he flashed out his phone and then he whipped out an old-looking earphones from the other. He earned a small gasp from Sakura.

"You're still using it," she said quietly.

"Hn. I barely use it anymore, but I always bring it with me."

It was the same earphones she gave to him on a random day after they listened to her favorite album which he loved. She taught him the power of music and how it moves people; and taught him how to appreciate it in any form.

Sasuke plugged his earphones to his phone and looked for his favorite song. When he found it, he gave the other earpiece to her and watched as she put it on her ear. It reminded him of that lazy, cold morning listening to Bon Iver and sharing earphones and body heat with Sakura.

He could see the anticipation in her eyes as she looked at him gently. He wished that she would understand that he is dedicating this song for her.

"Listen well." That's all he said before pressing play.

Guitar plucks started to flow through their ears and Sasuke saw the recognition in her eyes. He heard her whisper, "Death Cab, huh?"

He just nodded in return and earned a small smile from her. He felt a lot better now than he ever did before.

When the singer, Ben, started to sing, he was reminded of how he first heard this song while he was cleaning up his room in their house before he left for London to study. Along with their picture of their first Christmas as a couple, he also brought the album that contains this song that he found in his room.

It was obviously hers and she must've forgotten that she brought it there or she purposely left it. Eitherway, he brought it with him to London and listened to it almost every day for the first year of being alone in a foreign city.

He pictures Sakura every time he hears this song, especially when a certain part of the song comes.

All the girls in every girly magazine

Can't make me feel any less alone

I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03

And on your machine

I slur a plea for you to come home

But I know it's too late

I should've given you a reason to stay

Maybe that's why he loved this record so much, most especially this song, because he relates a lot to it. Their relationship was never perfect. Yes, their love lacked color but only on the outside. Inside, it's bursting at the seams.

But then, sometimes it isn't enough. When fact and fiction blur together, it could end in tragedy; and that's what happened to them. Sasuke didn't give her enough reason to stay other than the quiet love he has for her. Sakura was never the demanding one, but she deserved more than what he gave. She deserved an explanation, an apology, and a love that fights for her. That's one of his biggest regrets.

The song ended and the next song came, and then the next. Song after song, he silently dedicated them all to her. Every hook, every line; it's all for her. They sat there, hunched over his phone playing all the music, shivering from the cold but warm enough because of each other.

"I just wanna feel alive

And get to see your face again"

"I'll make it without you

Though my body's laying here

It's my mouth that must be lying now"

"I'm talking to what's left of you

Watching what I say

Counting all the freckles on your perfect face"

"I need to hear in black and white

That you don't need me now

Say you don't want me

That it's not like it was for you before"

"So don't go away, say what you say

But say that you'll stay"

"I'll be the one that needs you again

And I'll be the one that proposes

In a garden of roses

And truly loves you long after our curtain closes"

"When you're young you just run

But you come back to what you need

This love is good, this love is bad

This love is alive back from the dead

These hands had to let it go free

And this love came back to me"

Words flowed, lyrics lingered; Sasuke dedicated and Sakura listened. Together, they forgave; together, they let go.

—

"I need to go," Sakura whispered.

They're both silent after a few minutes from listening to his playlist. He could tell she understood. Her misty eyes and her lips swollen from too much biting are a few giveaways. She was nervous and anxious about saying something. Sasuke waited.

"I.. I wanted to say.." she stammered. She was fiddling her engagement ring as she find her words. Then, "It was good to see you again, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke-kun. He felt like he finally redeemed himself because of that added suffix. He finally earned it back. She knows all that happened, she understands, and she listened to his apologies and regrets.

He will never ask for anything more.

She finally stood up from her swing and started to turn away towards the setting sun when he found his voice.

"Are you happy?"

Sakura looked back at him, her eyes soft and dreamy. A little red from the crying they did earlier but her vivid green still stood out from the dull hues of the snow.

She nodded her head, "I am. And I hope, you are too."

From the lonely swing he was sitting on he answered her, "I will be."

Sasuke watched as her green eyes flooded with moisture and she closed them as she took a deep breath. She was trying not to cry again.

"Is this the last time we'll ever see each other?", he asked.

When she opened her lids, she straightly looked in his black orbs. Their eyes have always been their best assets, and they use it well. Especially at times like this when words don't seem to flow easily.

Her voice was quivering when she answered him, "Maybe." His heart sting a little but then she added, "I don't know.. I hope not.."

He stood up, "Can.. can I be selfish for one last time before you go?"

He was aware that he decided to never ask for anything from her again. She went through so much just by being with him and even right now as they speak. But like she said, maybe this is the last time he'll see her — beautiful and ethereal with the setting sun bathing the snow-covered world behind her, making her rose-colored hair burn in the right way and her glimmering emerald pools pop out with emotions.

Sasuke watched her swallow first, as if sensing that he's gonna ask for something he wasn't supposed to, and she was right. He knows this is ridiculous and inappropriate because she is getting married to someone she is happy with, and she has every reason to deny him of this which he will respect if she does.

But he is Uchiha Sasuke; and he is selfish, and arrogant, and compulsive when confronted with feelings, and irrational when he wants to be.

He is Uchiha Sasuke and she is Haruno Sakura, and only God knows how much he fucking missed her and longed for her and cared for her and loves her.

He loves her. He always will.

And so he took one step, then two, up until he reached her shaking form. With anticipation crawling in his veins, making his skin prick and his lips tingle, he asked his final request.

"Can I kiss you?"

Her mouth opened in surprise, her eyes widen in shock. Her breath comes in puffs, visible in the winter cold. Sasuke waited patiently, offering a silent prayer to her. He doesn't pray to any god now for he believes there is none. But if Sakura heeds his prayer then maybe there really is one.

Seconds felt like infinity until she firmly answered, "No."

His shoulder sagged. He anticipated it, but it still hurt a little. He understands and he respects it, but he still wanted it. He looked down and forced a smile.

"I know. It's okay, I understand. I shouldn't have asked. It's ridiculous and completely absu—"

"Can I kiss you?"

Head whipped upwards as fast as it could that it gave him a sudden whiplash. He saw her soft smile and her even softer eyes and she's just so fucking beautiful it hurts and she's gonna kiss him.

All he could ever manage was to give her a nervous nod. He was like back to zero, no experience with girls and how to act with them. He was like a child being promised of being brought to an amusement park or given a new toy. He was like a high school teenager realizing for the first time that he was finally getting to kiss this girl that he really really likes.

Sakura stepped forward and looked up at his face, eyes roaming around as if watching for a shadow of doubt in it. Sasuke looked back and gave her a look of someone who will never get to have this chance again.

Her bare hands went up and held his face. He helped her by leaning down and pressed his head against hers. He closed his eyes and waited for her kiss.

Sasuke felt her breath on his lips and heard a murmur laced with strawberry scent. Her cold fingers against his jaw tighten for a bit as her words sank in him.

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun."

His heart stopped as he waited for her soft lips on his eager ones, but it broke altogether when he felt them on his forehead.

If it wasn't a sign of them really over; if it wasn't a sign for him to really let her go, then Sasuke doesn't know what it is.

He understands it now. She chose to be with this person she's marrying and she chose to be faithful to him. She chose to settle all tangled knots from her past to get ready for her future — her future without him.

He wanted to cry again but he didn't. He fought it hard, feeling his eyes water behind closed lids as he feels her lips linger on his forehead. He could feel her lips shake as she presses them harder to his skin. He clutched at her waist and gripped her coat hard.

No matter what happens in the future, he had this. He had this last moment with her, and he will be forever grateful.

All that happened was a blur after that. In the end, he remembered not watching her go. He immediately turned around as her lips left him. He wanted his last memory of her to be her smiling face close to him, not her retreating figure in the lonesome park.

No words were said after that. He sat in the swing again, noticing that the sun had finally set. Winter night came howling in and he is alone again.

Sasuke never saw her retreating back, nor her crying eyes, nor her last attempt to look back at him.

He will never know, because he will never see her again.

--

Sasuke took a deep breath as he walks out of the airport, finally in New York soil. He saw the car that was supposed to pick him up right there in the front. He watched as the driver took his suitcase and put it in the trunk.

All the while, he cracked his neck. He was tired. The flight was long and his brain was fogged with those memories from 3 years ago.

He can say he's doing better now. He really let her go that day, wishing her all the love and happiness she deserves. He really meant every word he said and every thing he did.

To say that he's not missing her would be a lie, though. She still manages to plague his mind sometimes and make him think of what she's doing right now. Where she is, how she's been, how happy she is; all those things. But for his welfare, he decided not to dwell on those things too much.

He's 29 now. 9 years have passed since they broke up, and 3 years since they had their closure. He dated once or twice, but it never really worked out. He really tried those times, but there was just something missing. It didn't feel right.

He isn't rushing through anything. Right now, he's just trying to make his way through every day, one step at a time. Who knows? Maybe this coming year might be the year for his love life. Maybe he will meet someone in his almost 3-week long stay in America. Maybe it's the time to finally open his closed door again.

As he opened the door of the car, he took another deep breath and silently hoped so, too.

~fin~

(A/N: Songs used are A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie; Echo - Jason Walker; Make It Without You - Andrew Belle; Bulletproof Weeks - Matt Nathanson; Let You Go - Jason Walker; Don't Go Away - Oasis; Happiness - Rex Orange County; and This Love - Taylor Swift (please also listen to Ryan Adams' version of this because it fucking hurts) Thanks!)

part 1 | special chapter

[spnbaby-67]

Craving You Epilogue.

A/N: Hi ya’ll, I have to say sorry again for something so late. this is the end of Craving you and I’m so sad to see it end. it had been a total blast writing it. but this really killed me. I dunno how much I even cried while writing it. you put so much into your characters and to see them go through so much, my heart broke. I know I am a sap, but that’s how i am with my characters. I am a HUGE Jensen fan, and he’s my heart. remember this is for pure fanfiction and should be treated as such. It’s an Alternate Universe world where Jensen is single. I want to thank you all for you amazing comments, anon comments which inspired me to keep going and finishing this series. Please do not copy and save and post on other sites and claim as yours. I don’t do that and I don’t want others doing that. it’s not fair to the original writer. But if you have questions or concerns always inbox me or send me an ask which i never hardly get, and I’ll be happy to talk with you. Please on a side note, this is UNBETA’D because I wanted to get this out to you today. I have other stories i plan to write. Let me know what you think. I forgot to mention that Gaynor @secretlyfurrydragon did have a version as well, i took some of that and added some to. She was a major help with this and without her I couldn’t have finished. She pushed me to no end to finish. Even took the time to beta some. So Thank you Gaynor, your time and considerations are very important to me. Thank you!!!!

Pairing: Jensen Ackles and reader, Bobby Singer mentioned, Mark Sheppard and Mark Peligrino mentioned, Casey from season one route 666 episode mentioned. Jo OFC mentioned. 

Warnings: NONE! 

It’s been three months since I have seen or heard from both Jensen and Jo. Yeah they tried to call me here and there, but I would ignore there calls and text. I just wasn’t ready to hear anything they had to say, because I knew what would come next for them.   For the longest time, I had even  contemplated on calling them. But once I saw there face on my phone, I couldn’t do it. The flashbacks all came back to me twice as hard, that I would immediately close the phone app, then I’d toss it to the side of me sitting there with fresh set of tears. The pain of it all was still to dull, it hurt to breath kind of dull. The deep pressure building in your chest waiting for someone to pop it, kind of dull. It was just too painful and cut like a knife going through your chest.  I lost everyone I cared for in a blink of an eye. If only they were honest with me from the beginning, it would be so bad. Jo of all people, i’m totally surprised by her decisions.

Every time I looked out the window at Starbucks where it all began, tears would fall. I should move. I should definitely move. I can’t tell you how many countless nights that I had cried myself to sleep, because the pain still fresh on my mind. I tried everything i could think of to get over it, but with the bullet wound to my shoulder, and this growing bump; nothing worked. Not even eating ice cream, or watching netflix movies helped. Even that had me crying. I’d get mad or upset when I saw someone else have a happy ending and wonder why I couldn’t. I mean I could if I bit the bullet and let them back into my life, but at the same time pride got in the way stopping me reminding me all over again why i wouldn't make that call.  I just couldn’t take anymore, so I threw the remote to the other side of the couch and decided I needed a walk.

It was evening around 6 pm, the skies were going from a brisk sunny day to a night filled with different colors of blues, pinks, and purples cascading across like a blanket ready to tuck everyone in bed for the night. I smiled at the beautiful artwork God had created, I silently thanked him for letting me live to see the beauty in it and reminding me that life is precious.  The wind blew cool and felt amazing hitting my face. I guess being cooped up inside for so long I forgot what the cool air felt like. I’m glad I brought a  a small shaw with me because of the dull ache in my shoulder, I get when the weather changes like now. I’m thankful there were no permanent damages to my shoulder even though it took longer to heal.  I had to undergo physical therapy and attend classes for emotional trauma while I was recovering. It was ok, I was able to get a lot of things off my chest. Not only the recent happenings, but with my mom passing and the way I was treated growing up. I still continue to go to the classes, it really does help.

Mr. Singer, did save my job for me once I was able to come back. Which was good, because I needed to get back and save money for this little one’s future.  He also gave me a promotion, one that I never thought I’d ever get in my life. I am now Vice President of Singer Inc. He said I deserved it on many accounts and not just because of what had happened recently. Thankfully, he considered other options of my work and appointed accordingly. Otherwise, I doubt I would have taken the promotion based on the events that changed a lot of people’s lives including mine.

Walking across the street to get some hot chocolate, I covered my shoulders with my shawl welcoming the warmth. I squeezed my arms across my chest to shake off the shivers down my back. Remembering a time when I was little and my mom wrapped me in one of her shawls like this one, I sighed and shook my head out of the thoughts only to find myself back where it started. Standing in front of Starbucks, I took a deep breath and went in.

I quickly scanned the area because I know Jensen comes here a lot or did, and I really wasn’t in the mood to see him. Once I seen the coast was clear, I went in further to order my Vanilla Bean Frappuccino. I know I said I wanted hot chocolate, but it never fails I always get my favorite drink.  I ordered, paid and got it from the barista. Turning around to go back home, I swear life played a joke on me again. I looked up and saw Jensen standing there with my Frappuccino squished between us. Deja vu anyone?  

“Hi,” I said looking at him as I grabbed some napkins.

He did the same, “Hi, how are you?” he barely spoke, his voice sounded sad like he’d been crying and you can tell he had been. The look in his eyes were pain filled, red and swollen. His voice was a bit raspy.

“I’m ok, minus a Frappuccino.” I giggled a bit remembering how it started in the first place.

He ordered two drinks, then once we got them he led me over to the table we sat at and things were quiet at first, but I looked at him. “Jensen, I know things have been kind of crazy. I’m still a little pissed, but I missed you so much.” I tried to hold his hand, but he was shaking which I didn’t know if it was from the cold of the drink on his chest or just being around me.

He nodded, “I missed you to, you look great.” he bit his bottom lip almost as if he was scared to say anything. You could tell he lost weight, he was wearing my favorite red long sleeved dress shirt and that even looked big on him.

I slid closer to him, just looking at him made my heart break, did I really hurt him by not talking to him this long? I took my right hand to his cheek and made him look at me. “I love you Jensen, I do. I have not stopped loving you. But what happened was wrong, I know now you did it to protect my company and save me from getting hurt. Could it had been different? Yeah, it could. Could it made a difference if you told me up front who you were? Definitely. I know how to act, and i could have played the part had I known.” subconsciously, I rubbed my thumb on his upper jaw line.

I paused a bit, then sank back into my chair. “Mark Sheppard and Mark Pellegrino had been up my ass for two years now, I know how they operate and how they do things. I knew something was up when they hired Kali, i didn’t know she was fbi but I knew something was going on because she was in Mr. Singer’s office every day. I even knew something was up with Cassie with her attitude, Course, she just better hope she nevers sees me again, because I will punch her in the face for laying her hands on you.” I crossed my legs and took a drink of my frap, the taste going down my throat was amazing. It was like a balm coating the insides of my soar throat that burned.

He looked at me with a faint smile, “Jealous a bit?’

“Noone, and I mean no one lays a hand on my man when i’m around.” I smiled assuring him I still loved him.

He sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth, damn he’s so hot when he does that. “Joking aside,” his voice was still gravely, filled with emotions. “I missed you to, not a day went by that I didn’t wish things were different. I even begged Jo to not put me in this position, she told me that she only wanted the best for her friend, her sister she loved. She wanted someone who would love you unconditionally and be there for you when you eventually found out the truth. I hated lying to you, I did. I’m so sorry you found out the way you did, I’m doubly sorry that you got hurt. A piece of me died when I saw you fall to the ground. It paralyzed me.”

He paused a bit to regain his composure, you could tell he wanted to break down and cry. “There had been many nights that I had laid awake thinking of what and how I could have done it differently. That day in the barn, when you trusted me with the blindfold on your eyes. I should have came clean then, that’s when I fully and truly fell in love with you. Something clicked inside me, telling me she’s the one. I told Jo and Jeff that night that I had to tell you the truth. Jeff told me that if I did tell you, he would have fired me and assigned you to someone who I didn’t trust. I couldn’t let that happen, and against my better judgement it backfired on me.”

I placed my hand on his that was still softly laying on my knee, he closed his eyes a moment,  “Jensen, look at me.”  I said softly.

Just as he opened his eyes, tears fell that he had been holding back. “I never stopped loving you, my heart went through so much and the thought of losing you now, would kill me. Especially, knowing something I know that you don’t.”  I decided now was a good time to tell him he was going to be a dad, because he’s so broken up over this. Just the looks in his eyes, hurt me seeing him this way.

He sighed and looked at me.”I understand if you never want to see me again, I can live with the pain if that’s what you chose, I deserve it --” he paused after realizing I said something different than what he was thinking I was actually saying. “Wait? What do you mean especially knowing something I don’t.”

I took a deep breath, bit my bottom lip, “I’m pregnant Jensen. I’m three and a half months pregnant.” I swallowed hard waiting to the shoe to drop.

He looked like I punched him in the chest, and the breath he was holding back knocked out of him. He blinked his eyes a bit as to gain control of his site from the tears and shock. “W What? p p pregnant? As is your going to have a baby?” His bottom lip was trembling, his hand I was holding shook and his breathing picked up a bit with short breaths in between.

“Jensen, you ok?”  He just continued to stare at me, the look in his face went from sad and dull looking to shock and emotionalist in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t read his expressions, my heart even skipped a few beats. “Jensen, please talk to me. You’re scaring me.”

He coughed a couple of times, to try and even say anything. You could tell this really through him for a loop. He leaned over towards me, took his right hand which at first I thought he was going to slap me. I wouldn’t have blamed him though if he did. But he placed it gently on the nap of my neck and shoulder, then  pulled me closer to him for a kiss that knocked my socks off. Literally.

“As much as I want to continue this,” I said in between kissing him. “I think we need to take this to my apartment.” I pulled away from him and rested my forehead on his.

His eyes were still closed, and I could tell he was happy about the news I gave him. He nodded his head still against my forehead agreeing. “Lets,”  he spoke silently and stood up.

He helped me stand up, we through away our fraps then walked to my apartment arm in arm and close oh so close together. It made the cool breezes a joy to walk in with his warmth radiating between us.

--------

The next couple of days after we had officially gotten back together, I decided that I would talk to Jo. I needed to clear the air and let her know that my life is not of her concern and I knew what I would have done if I had known. She agreed, and said that she was sorry and would not do it again. “Another thing Jo, Jeff telling Jensen he would fire him if he told me the truth. That is what really severally pissed me off. Jeff is going to hear about it when I see him.”

“I understand, and I don’t blame you. Look Y/N, I am truly sorry for everything. You mean the world to me. I didn’t want just anyone fall in love with you, I wanted the best and Jensen was the best. I hope one day you forgive him, because he does truly love you.”

“I know he does, but you could have told me what was going on as well. You know that I know how to act and get information needed. Your forgetting that we took classes in college for this crap. Even though it was a fun class, it did teach me a lot about what to expect when people turn on you.”

“Yeah, you were awesome in that. When do you go back to work?”

“Tomorrow actually, I don’t know how it will feel going back into that place after what happened. But knowing they won’t be there will be the highlight of my day. I will be making changes and additions to keep everyone safe.”

“That’s good to hear, well Jeff just got home and I’ll see you soon ok.”

“Yeah we will, we still have a lot to talk about.”

I couldn’t see her but i felt her nod her head in agreement, because I did the same. “Yes, we will. Tell Jensen hi for me, and I’m glad you two are back together.”

“Thank you, I will and you tell Jeff he’s in for a good long yelling.” I sat back sighing.

“Will do.”  she said her goodbyes and hung up the phone.

Just then, Jensen came home from getting his stuff from his apartment. We are moving in together and decided mine was a bit bigger than his,  since it had room enough for the baby when he or she arrived. After we put his stuff in proper places which he really didn’t have much, we sat down on the couch snuggled in each others arms.

“Did you talk to Jo?” He asked as his right hand rubbed up and down my arm.

“Hmmm, I did. We worked things out, and I told her that I still plan on talking to Jeff.” I curved my legs under me and laid my head on his chest.

“I don’t blame you, but do it after you have the baby please, I don’t want you stressed.”

I turned to look up at him with a smile. “I love you Jensen.”

He winked at me, and then bent down to kiss me. “I love you to Y/N, always.”

We had a great evening together before we both had to go to work tomorrow. Life changes in a blink of an eye, you can choose to accept things as they happen, or ignore it and let things get out of control. If anything this has taught me that I need to accept things and trust in what God had for me. Jensen is an amazing person, and I thank God everyday he sent him to me, even though it was complicated….. I love him, now and forever.

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[purple-moonlights-blog]

STRAY KIDS 10th MEMBER AU

INTRODUCTION

This AU is heavily inspired by @k-llama-llama ! If you don’t know her I highly suggest checking out her blog, she and her writings are really sweet (also some good drama just started in her AU). 🌸

I’m not 100% sure where I’m going with this AU, so please feel free to request and suggest what could happen. I really want to take in ideas from people who are interested in the story. Don’t be shy loves! ♥︎ 

☾☼ 

Btw. I didn’t use her name until the very end because my dumb ass forgot to give her a name.

Also, in this scenario, Stray Kids themselves aren’t very present since it didn’t really fit. However, I promise that next time will be a lot of Stray Kids content! 

▸ Check out the Profile HERE

▸ Request for the AU HERE

▸ MASTERLIST

Words: 2342

Warnings: Swearing?⎮ And weird grammar and spelling mistakes, English is not my native language⎮

I. NEW 〈NOVA〉

(gif not mine)

With her eyebrows knitted together and her upper-lip slightly twisted up, an expression her friend David stated to be her “trying to be polite but can’t help but judge“ look - or in other words, her being a twat visage - she stared at the man, probably in his mid-thirties, in front of her. 

For the past five minutes he spoke very fast and in a very strong Satoori accent, she had difficulties to understand, and thereby wildly gesticulate with his arms. The longer he talked the more he began to sweat and looked noticeably more nervous. She wasn’t intentionally trying to be rude by not saying a word the whole time, even though she was more than once encouraged to respond to his rambling. However, due to her having a hard time progressing what he was saying - her Korean might be quite good, thanks to her mum compelling her and her brothers too Korean lesson since the early beginnings of their childhood, yet she only learned standard Korean - and immediately doubting what he was saying to be true, she kept her mouth shut until she had a clear picture of what was going on. From what she could grasp, the man was responsible to recruit trainees for entertainment companies, which in the end should turn them in successful idols, that bring big profits and put the companies into positive spotlights. 

He explained that he was from JYP and that Park Jinyoung personally placed in order, after allegedly seeing a video of a street performance of her dancing and singing, to track her down and convince her to audition for his company. He further explained that JYP - the company - planned to form an idol group in the upcoming month of October through a survival show and JYP - the person - wanted her in it because she would in his opinion fit perfectly into the concept. 

Bullocks, she instantly thought when he told her that. 

She didn’t believe a word coming from his mouth. Yes, it was true that she appeared in multiple videos of street performances that are posted on YouTube, however, she was neither an outstanding dancer nor a Whitney Huston, at least in her opinion. The more he talked the more it sounded like the plot of a Wattpad fanfiction and as the result of her distinct sense of reality, which often came across as her being pessimistic, she knew stuff like that doesn’t happen in real life. It’s called Fan Fiction after all.  

The whole story sounded like a lie somebody, who kidnaps young girls and boys for human trafficking by exploiting their naivety and their dreams to make it big once, would tell. By that, she suddenly remembered her 14 years old cousin Junsuh conspiracy theory rant about the Korean entertainment industries. Two weeks ago she visited her relatives in Ilsan, where her Junshu, as usually, didn’t stop talking. According to Junsuh, the industry is through and through corrupt - a single stronghold of prostitution rings, human trafficking, child exploitation and even religious cults and a secret origination that controls the whole south of Korea. 

Even though Junsuh tends to get carried away with his theories - she strongly doubted, that one of the big three companies (he refused to tell which one) pays a religious cult to use black magic on the public, so they will only buy the albums of their artists - however, that it wasn’t only glamorous and that pressure and hard work take big role in the idols life, wasn’t a secret. 

Earning her livelihood through music has always been a dream for her. From small on she loved to sing - back then extremely out of tune - and dance around. When in 2008 her cousin Jia (Junsuh’s older sister), while she and her family visited their relatives in Korea, showed her Shinee’s debut MV Replay, she fell in love. Immediately she learned the dances and lyrics to the songs and dreamed of being an idol herself. The combination of vocal, rap and dance fascinated her. 

Yet, after time passes and she got older, her initial spirit disappeared almost completely. More and more she realized that she didn’t fit into the standard female idol category. Beginning with her appearance ending with her personality. She wouldn’t call herself a tomboy since she despite her boyish tendency still liked typical girly stuff. In end, she always thought of separating certain things in a boy and girl category as stupid. 

One day, her aunt took her to the toy store when she was made 5 years old. She asked her aunt if she could have Hot Wheels for her birthday present. The saleswoman, however, who should help her to find something, asked if doesn’t want something that is more fitting for a girl. Her five-year-old self suddenly feeling insecure choose a creepy doll, which the sale woman suggested - she ended up giving the creepy doll to the family dog to play with. 

„Look, you don’t need to say yes right now. But please just come to JYP building tomorrow for the audition. Well, it’s not really an audition, you are basically already in. You just need to say yes.“ The sudden change to a clean Seoul accent made her startle up from her thoughts. The man in front of her got now her full attention. He almost looked desperate. 

It is probably favorable for his career if he gets me to come to the “audition“. South Korea is highly competitive after all, she guessed

„Okay.“

„It doesn’t take long either you….wait, what?“

„I said, okay. When should I be there?“ He looked at her seemingly being genuinely surprised to hear her agree. Sure, she only accepted because she felt bad for him. Also, her class started in 5 minutes and she simply didn’t want to be rude and refuse after his effort. Nonetheless, the fact that he knew her name and where she went to University, still creeped her out. 

„Umm, well 10 a.m. Wait in front of the building, I will escort you in.“

„Good, I will be there.“ She said and then added quickly before she went ahead to run to the other side of the campus to still be on time for her class. „Have a good day.“

————

 At 09:30 a.m. sharp she was in front of the JYP building. She always tended to come over punctual, mainly because she included the time she will need in case anything goes wrong by her taking the bus - a short 25-minute ride - from Seongdong District on the north bank of the Han River to Gangnam District, which lies on the south side of the Han River. 

Traffic jam, traffic collision, plane crashes, nuclear attacks, apocalypse and what so ever. Her constant nagging anxiety back in her head made her throw her common sense out of the window more than once. 

Certainly, she didn’t expect anything, she highly doubted that the apparent JYP staff member was being legit. Either somebody was playing a prank on her or one of Junsuh’s theories will be confirmed and she is going to be sold. 

In a girl group, she would stand out and not in a good way like a pretty flower would. No, she would stand out like a purulent pimple in the middle of one’s forehead. Not like she was particularly ugly or different looking. The fact that she was not special looking was the issue. In general, she was glad about that. She was never big on being the center of attention. However, in the entertainment industry, like it or not, talent is not everything. And her being as interesting as an empty sheet of paper, surley didn’t take a chance. 

After awkwardly standing around for good 25 minutes, somebody came out of the building. She immediately recognized him as the man from yesterday. 

He wasn’t lying about working for JYP then, she thought. 

As he looked to his left and saw her standing there, he sighed with relief and beckoned her over to him. By his reaction, she assumed that he obviously didn’t believe that she will come. But she was not the type to do tell somebody she would be there and then shamelessly not come without giving the other person a notice.    

„You won’t regret this, believe me.“ He said as they walked through the lobby to the elevator. „They really want you in this group.“ Who he meant with they, she wasn’t sure. He chuckled awkwardly since she didn’t respond to anything he said but rather she just nodded and gave him a forced smile. Again, she wasn’t trying to be rude, for sure not, after all in her family having good manners was an essential part. Her very English grandmother would personally fly to Korea and beat her ass if she was being rude. 

In the elevator were already three guys, she guessed them around her age, absorbed in a discussion about, from what she could understand, song lyrics. 

„Listen, I swear it’s good.“ Said the guy, with the darkest hair of the three of them. „You can be Fiona today, I’ll be Shrek. Ugly kind immature swag.“

She snorted and quietly chuckled to herself. The guy closest to her with silver, curly hair her, who heard her laugh, looked over to her. He raised his brow’s at first and then gave her a shy smile, which she returned.

On the fifth floor, they left the elevator and male staff knocked two times on the first door in the hallway, before he opened it and showed with a quick hand gesture that she should follow him. In the room was big glass table where three men already sat. She immediately recognized the man seated in the middle. 

 It’s JYP, It really was not a joke after all.

„Ah, there she is. Please take a seat.“ JYP said and gestured on the chair opposite of him. She bowed and sat down. 

After he asked the staff member to leave he continued: „I’m really glad you are here. When I saw your performance I know you will fit perfectly.“ 

„I was told, if I would accept the offer, I will participate in survival show, right?“ She asked, slowing starting to feel excited. Even though, she gave up on her dream of being an idol a long time ago - better said, she never really tried in the first place. Deep down she still wanted to achieve that and such an opportunity she couldn’t refuse. Even if that meant she had to change herself to fit in. 

„Yes, exactly. I really hope you take this chance. Even though you don’t have a training period as the other trainees participating, I believe you have potential.“

„Okay, I’m in. Where do I have to sign“ she said, full of newly found elan. The three men chuckled surprised about her sudden enthusiasm.

„The formalities we will sort out later.“ JYP answered, „Stray Kids, the name of the group you might debut in, has currently nine male trainees, which your leader Bang Chan handpicked himself.“

„Boys?“ She questioned confused.

„Yes, the management and I decided by making Stray Kids a co-ed group it will be more favorable in the future.“ He continued undeterred. She had to stop herself from making a snarky comment and asking them if they are trying to be edgy be doing that. 

There is no need to act like a twat right now!

„But none of our female trainees fit in Stray Kids. So, I was obviously pleased when I found you. I hope I’m not going to regret this.“ The last part sounded bitter and her previous enthusiasm was slowly suppressed by the anxiety creeping up her throat, making her feel sick.  

She didn’t want to back away now. 

Maybe it’s better to be in a male-dominated group. It’s not like I fit in a girl group either, she tried to calm herself down mentally. 

However, the fact that all other trainees were chosen by Stray Kids leader personally and that she basically was being forced onto them, made her feel like she was going to vomit. 

„They are already informed about your addition to the group. In fact, I want them to get to know you right now. Teamwork is important and the faster you warm up to each the better!“ With that, he stood up, bowed to his colleges and told her to follow him. She bowed to the older men too and left after JYP.

„The kids are probably in the practice room right now. Since they got the chance to debut, they have been prating twice as hard.“ He said, obviously proud about the trainee’s dedication. „I heard they are very excited to meet you.“

Bollocks! I will be extremely out of place. No way any of them are excited for a possible female member. 

Despite, her anxiety she didn’t wanna give up this time. She can’t just run away every time there was a construction put in her way. At last, trying wasn’t going to kill. 

They went down to the second floor. At the end of the hallway, JYP opened the wooden door to the practice room and stepped in. As JYP and she entered, four guys who sat on the floor rushed to stand up and joined five other guys to bow to their CEO. Some looked very young to her. She would have guessed at least two of them fifteen years old at most.

„Please introduce yourself to them,“ JYP told her and encouraged her with a quick hand gesture to step in front. 

All eyes were on her now. Some of them seemed curious, others just stared at her expressionless. And then, there was the guy with the silver hair from the elevator. He looked at her like he wanted to burn her down with his gaze. She honestly couldn’t take offense at that. Like, she understood his seeming dislike of her. 

„My Name is Seol Nova and I hope we can work well together.

[runawayballista]

i think the reason that writing in a notebook has been really working out for me, other than it being a really useful tool for writing thru the bad brain fog, is that its kind of like laying down a sketch layer. it's the first draft "this won't be perfect" mentality with a more practical (for me) approach. i can't backspace or make things tidy, so instead i let my brain free range and write notes in the margins, cross things out, outline things in boxes and draw arrows to move them elsewhere or star a passage and then add something to it i forgot in another box on the next page. one of my problems with brain fog is that my working memory is really short. if i know what i want to write 3 paragraphs from now, i'm liable to forget in the time that it takes to write those 3 pargraphs, so i'm frequently sketching out reminders or snippets of dialogue in the middle of paragraphs so i can remember where i was going. (sometimes this means i forget what i'm in the middle of writing, but not usually.) writing by hand does mean the writing goes slower but it's good in a way, it means my hands can't get ahead of my brain and stall out on the next thought like sometimes happens while typing, at which point i have to try to remember where i was going, and then the time it takes to turn over the ignition in my brain makes me incredibly prone to doing things like, getting distracted by a funny tweet.

but i don't worry too much about sentence structure, or being concise, or whether or not the prose is elegant. my handwriting is messy and hard to scan, so it's not uncommon for me to lose track of a sentence structure or end up with an unintentional sentence fragment. i do a lot of stream-of-consciousness writing to get around the brain fog, because it's easier for me to write until i figure out what i want to say than think it out. and i wind up with some really great prose this way, too! i try to avoid ever putting things like [insert joke here] because it's just a blank space in my writing that will be harder to fill in later, but i will put a less funny joke there that's more or less to the effect i want. punching up a flat joke is, for me, way easier (or at least more reliable) than spinning a really funny one out of nothing later. i'll write some flat prose sketching out what i want to happen knowing i can reword it later instead of writing "and this is where they talk about the thing". i save typing up what i've written for when i'm more awake and edit as i write, fixing the glaring issues like sentence structure and omitted words and reworking it as ideas come to me, but i save the heavy lifting for actual editing because it's still a rough draft.

i don't really think writing two rough drafts is a universally useful approach, but a lot of what i do (in life in general, not just writing for fun) is basically focused on reducing the cognitive load for any given task. my fog-riddled brain can't juggle too many parallel lines of thought without losing track of them, so i try to frontload as much of my thinking as i can, so that i can think about as little else as possible than the words right in front of me. i don't trust my memory so i write out ideas for future scenes (or things later down the line in this scene) as they come and highlight those sections or pages in bright colors so it's easy to flip through and remind myself what i was going to include. it is a little labor intensive and i am limited by how long i can get my hand to cooperate, but i found a really comfortable to hold pen and as someone who has a hard time unplugging and unwinding it's really nice to just put on a ragtime piano album and write by hand for a few hours. it worked well enough to write a whole-ass romance novel last year during one of the most stressful work periods of my life and it's working out pretty dang well for fanfiction

[mrkrychek]

Brighter then the sun

Okay it’s been a really long time since I wrote fanfictions at all. But after reading so many soulmate AUs I needed to get my hands on this topic. And therefore I’m back into my huge Star Trek flash (thanks to my upcoming cosplay group - damn I love these guys and I know we’ll be awesome) I wanted to write about it. 

Please let me know if you like it and I’m sorry if my English isn’t correct all the time but it’s only my second language and I’m not perfect at it.

Pairing: Chekov/Reader

Warning: non specific yet

Word Count: 2128

Part: 1/?

When you were just a little child your mother has told you stories of princesses who found their princes and lived happily ever after. You'd loved these stories even though you'd known that they weren't real. But she also told you stories of real people who'd lived life better than any fairy tale. People who said they'd found their soulmates. When you were just a little child you'd believed in these stories even your father had laughed at you and told you on and on that the were just modern fairy tales people had started to tell because they had got tired of the old ones.

When you got older you had started to believe your father. You started to see that people fall in love and also fall out of love. No one said that they'd found their soulmate. Some spoke about their love of their lives but nothing more. You realized the story of finding your soulmate was just another fairy tale your mother told you as bedtime story.

It was when you where 22 years old and you got to accepted to the Starfleet Academy you completely forgot all the bedtime stories your mother been telling you. All that mattered from now on was your career. You wanted to make your father proud who used to be a lieutenant on the USS Kelvin for so many years until it got destroyed. After that your father was forced into a wheelchair unable to walk anymore. He's been telling you all the stories about his trips to other planets, all the fights with Klingons he had, all the lives he rescued during missions. And the great story of George Kirk and how he'd saved over 800 lives. He was a kind of hero for you. Both of them – Kirk and your father. And both of them were the reason why you always wanted to join Starfleet.

Your first year has been a constant up and down for you. Not only that it has been the first time that you have been away from your family all by your own, but you had had to learn how hard it was to become something in life. How to make a dream come true. But never have you been giving up. You may haven't been top of your class but you managed to be at least in the top 10 by the end of the year. You have giving your best but you knew that you could do more so you set yourself the goal that in your second year  you would do more and be in the top 10 all the year and by the end of the year in the top 5.

-

It was the first day of the new year. You were just ready to head out of your room which you shared again with your now best friend when she stormed out of the bathroom and looked at you in panic.

“(Y/N)! Damn it I totally forgot to tell you that you were supposed to be at the meeting with the newbies! Commander Wise asked me yesterday to inform you that you and Keith are supposed to introduce you personally as their guides and personal point of contact if they have any problems! But I totally forgot!” Her face turned red and she looked at the floor for a second. “You should meet him at 0800 in the auditorium! I'm sorry (Y/N), I shou-”

With a shake of your head you interrupted her. “Don't worry Hannah! I was with Keith yesterday when he was told to be there today....so I already know. That's why I'm up so early and on my way to go.” A relieving laugh came out of Hannah's throat.

“Of course you were with him...should have known. Also by you being already awake and ready. Well...” Another laugh from her and a smile on her lips.

“See you later in class!” You smiled back at her before turning around and leaving the room.

You were never much of a morning person and it was a really short night for you – mostly Keith was the reason why you came just back at one in the morning. Not that you two have been a thing. More like there been a thing between yourselves going on since last year. You were – how do people call it – friends with benefits. He was two years older than you and really handsome. A lot of girls fancied him including yourself. But he has never been someone for a relationship you found that out very quick. But why not at least enjoy the moments you had with him, you would never know if he maybe changes someday.

A quick glance on your timepiece told you that you're more than just in time. If you would walk right to the auditorium you would be early by 10 minutes. Enough time to get you a coffee on your way there. So you took a turn to your left and headed for the cafeteria. By this time there were barely any people. Since there build in some kitchen in the dorm rooms most cadets prefer to have there morning coffees in their rooms along with some quick breakfast than the overpriced cafeteria. Normally you would do it the same way but today was no normal day so you could make an exception. You took a quick sip from your coffee before you started walking straight to the auditorium again.

By the time you arrived you were still 5 minutes early. Enough time to drink the rest of your coffee and prepare yourself for what will come. Your eyes wandered around the room. There were still some seats empty for the new ones but also there were still some getting inside. Seeing their happy and exciting – but also afraid – faces made you thinking of your first day. It was just last year but it felt like you've been here for ages already.

“Do you remember our first day?” you heard a deep male voice asking right behind you.

“How could I forget? You were a pain in my ass right from the start!” you said and turned around to look into the brown eyes of your lover. On his face was a wide grin. Keith Rogers was a very handsome man. He was tall with big shoulders. His hair as brown as chocolate. His eyes just a little bit lighter with this special little yellow ring in the middle. And he was very charming and a gentleman. No wonder that so many girls fell for him. You included. But no girl is really his because he likes to be free and independent like he always says.

“But still you're sleeping with me...so you like this pain in the ass.” His grin got even wider and all you could do is laughing and shaking your head. This guy really got you. Before you could say anything you saw Commander Wise turning around the corner and coming to you.

“Good morning, Commander Wise!” you greeted him and saluted. Keith did immediately the same.

“Good morning Cadets! Exciting day today!” He looked around like you did some minutes ago. “This years we have some excellent new cadets who will join us.” His eyes wandered through the rows of seats like they were searching for something specific. “I will welcome them. Tell them about their upcoming years here. Showing them everything you got last year. Then I will introduce you two to them. You will give them a little tour across our facility afterwards. Answering as many of their questions as you can. Then you will lead them back to here and leave for your classes.” He turned around to watch both of you closely. “You understand?”

“Yes sir!” both of you said simultaneously. He nodded at you and turned around again to step forward and started to speaking. You listened keenly to his words while you tried to keep you eyes on him. But you couldn't help to watch the newbies listening. Well at least most of them. There was a certain blond guy you seemed t be more interested in the girl in his front than anything that Commander Wise was saying. You couldn't help but wondered why he looked so familiar to you. It seemed like you'd known this guy before but you couldn't remember where from. There wasn't more time to thing about it as you heard the Commander saying Keith's and your names and asking you to step forward. You felt so many eyes on you that you started to feel a little bit embarrassed. It was always difficult for you to be the center of anything and at the moment he spots were all on you.

After the Commander said another few words he send you off to the little campus tour. You split into two groups to make it easier  to show them around and went in the opposite directions. You tried to keep every face in your group in mind so you wouldn't lose anyone. One person caught immediately your eyes. It was this pretty guy who wasn't paying much attention on Commander Wise but who's eyes were staring curiously in your direction. He wasn't checking you out like he did previously with the girl but he looked like he tried to remember you. Did you'd met before? You couldn't recall his face completely neither his name. But you had a tour to guide so you but this thought by side.

“Okay guys. I'm (Y/N)(Y/L/N)! Like Commander Wise already told you I just started my second year. Last year I was in the same position as you're now. Don't want to scare you already...but I want to be honest to you....your first year will be more than just a hard ride. Believe me social life will be something you will forget. If you want to get the best results at least. But okay...come on I'll show you around!” You turned around and started your little tour. And as the Commander had wished you answered as many questions as possible and as much as you knew.

It was nearly the end of the tour when you got together again with Keith and his group and another person caught your eye. He was smaller than anybody else and seemed also so much younger.

“Keith? Who is that boy there in the back? He is just a kid....” Keith turned around to look at him too before he looked back to you.

“Dunno his name....but he seems like he is a kinda genius...the kid knows a lot....guess he is like...12 or so. Don't care!” With a shrug of his shoulders he kept walking back to the auditorium. Of course he didn't care. But you were very curious about this kid. It was not often that the academy accepted young boys like him. He must have been someone really genius – or his parents were like super rich and gave Starfleet so much money so they would take him in for at least a basic training and an easy job in the end. Maybe you could find out more over the time about him. And also about this other guy who was flirting again with an Orion girl. Seemed like he was more interested in girls than anything other that has to do with the Starfleet. Maybe you wouldn't have to find out anything about him because he would leave faster than one of these Ardanian gerbils could even run.

Commander Wise and a woman you haven't seen before were already waiting for you. They took the group gladly over and thanked you for your work before sending you back to your classes.

“It was fun showing them around. Way better than we had! And damn some of the girls are really hot!” laughed Keith while you were walking to the classrooms. Even though you got already used to it it still hurt a little hear him talking about other girls. But you wouldn't show it.

“It was really fun. And I think some of them could really become someone big.” The rest of the way you walked in silence before you needed to part. “See you later at the gym lesson I guess.”

He nodded. “Unless you want to spend the little breaks between the lessons with something better than talking to others.” There it was again. His wide and bright grin. But he made you laugh and hit his chest.

“Not today tiger...gotta catch up with everyone....see ya!” So you turned around an walked down the hallway to your class.