#(forgot to factor in my meds being A Thing since they're so new to me and apparently the only thing alcohol effects is intensity of side +

[vaguenotions]

Reasons i should not drink:

I am overcome w the intense urge to sprawl across someone's lap and receive pets but there is never anyone to fulfill this urge :(

[transssexualheart]

everyone at my new job treats me with so much respect it's insane but not really because it's just the amount I deserve. I'm just not used to it. I don't have any coworkers that I really dislike, and I'm not in love with any of them either and I think those are overall both improvements. they all call me chef and value my opinion. I suppose the differences now are that I'm the eldest in the kitchen besides head chef , I'm in a position where I have a lot of responsibility, I'm someone many of them often have to ask for things, and I think one of the biggest factors is that I'm not out at work somehow. head chef knows as he's my boss (and he asked once about why my parents chose my name so I had to explain they didn't and I'm just honest so I told the truth) and the owner knows since she needed all my legal info- but otherwise I try not to talk about it. it's mostly younger boys I work with, and there's one I think I would trust with the information, but it just makes me nervous. if they had to know I would own it, but it's a private business and they don't have to share my legal name with anybody, and I'm sort of just enjoying realizing that I can fit in with other guys. I don't want them to look at me differently. maybe it sounds weird, but guys are more relatable than they're portrayed. I was talking to the dishwasher earlier about depression, and he was saying he always found it hard to talk about his with other people because they believed that boys just don't have emotions and told him to man up. but guys do have emotions. so many that men are like 70% of suicide rates. yeah, we talk about cars and girls, but we also talk about anxiety meds and going to therapy. and theyre all so non judgemental. my coworkers, I mean. I have a sparkly manicure and the guy who trained me is like "are those new nails? them shits sparkly" especially when you tell them you got them done with a hot girl , they think it's kind of cool you have a pink manicure and own it. anyway, I cooked for like 40 people today on my own, I had asked my boss to come in and then felt sort of bad because I didn't need him for anything! I did it all by myself and I did it well, and I didn't do the dishes but I only saw one plate come back unfinished. although I did just remember I forgot to take something out of the cold table and toss it... fuck. oh well. anyhow, I knew I could do this. I've been cooking breakfast since I was a little kid. baking is a piece of cake (pun intended) to me. they tell me I'm fast, which is an important skill for a line cook. they are also VERY impressed with my frosting piping skills. I'm just very happy with how this morning went. I might finish off a bottle of wine after I shower about it. I think next time I have a similar amount of people I can tell him to stay home and do it alone . I know I work well under pressure, and I know I can do it without anyone's help. you pace yourself like taking a jog. don't bite off more than you can chew, but don't take bites too small either. don't don't think too hard about it. if it's busy enough for me to be worried about it, I don't have time to overthink it anyway. that's how I like it. fast paced pressure from behind the scenes, nobody watching me make the art. enough time to make a strategy and preform without worrying about how well I'm doing. it's just good. it stimulates my brain right. actually now I'm thinking about my boss telling me that he likes being a chef because he has ADHD.... HMMMMM.....