#(even if i took months to get to this i'm so sorry :(((((()

[mapiforpresident]

hi there could i please request promt 16 with leah williamson

First Fight

Leah x reader

~~~

You had been dating Leah Williamson for about six months now. It had been everything you had imagined—fun, easy, and full of laughter. Both of you were incredibly busy with Arsenal’s season, training schedules, and matches, but you always made time for each other. You’d spend evenings together, whether it was after a tough match, over dinner, or simply lying in bed talking about everything and nothing.

But today... today was different.

It started as something small—a misunderstanding. The kind of thing that could’ve been resolved with a quick conversation. But somewhere along the way, things escalated. Tensions flared, words were exchanged, and before you knew it, you were both storming out of the room, frustrated and hurt. You hated fighting. You had never fought with Leah before. You had always been on the same page, whether it was on the field or in life, but today was different.

You were sitting on your couch now, alone in your apartment, your head buried in your hands as you replayed the argument in your mind. You hated how it ended. You didn’t want to fight with Leah. You just wanted to fix things, to understand each other better.

You had barely heard the knock on the door. The sound was soft at first, but then more insistent, and it made your heart race. You stood up quickly, your mind racing with possibilities. Could it be Leah? You didn’t know if you were ready to face her yet.

When you opened the door, there she was—Leah, standing in the hallway with a nervous expression on her face, holding a bouquet of your flowers. The soft lilacs, pale pink roses, and delicate white lilies were a perfect match to her concerned expression.

“Hi,” Leah said quietly, her voice soft, almost hesitant. She shifted on her feet, the bouquet in her hands looking out of place. She didn’t seem to know whether she should step in or wait for you to say something.

You took a deep breath, unsure of what to say. But the sight of her standing there, so vulnerable and sorry, made something in your chest ache.

“I’m sorry,” Leah continued, her voice growing steadier. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I never meant to hurt you.” She held out the flowers to you, her face sincere but tinged with sadness. “I wanted to apologize. I'm really sorry babe.”

You took the flowers, feeling the weight of the moment settle between you. They were beautiful. Exactly what you needed—calming and gentle. You looked at Leah, seeing the slight tremble in her hands, the way her eyes searched yours for reassurance.

“I’m sorry too,” you finally said, your voice small. “I don’t know how it got so bad. I hate that we fought. I hate that I made you feel like... like you weren’t heard.” You could feel your throat tighten as you spoke, the emotions you had been holding back finally spilling out. “I didn’t mean for things to go like this.”

Leah stepped forward, closing the distance between you. Her hand gently cupped your face, and she leaned in to kiss you on the forehead. “I know you didn’t,” she whispered, her thumb brushing across your cheek. “I just... I let my frustrations get the better of me. You’re the most important person in my life, and I don’t ever want us to fight like that again.”

You closed your eyes, letting out a shaky breath. The warmth of her touch, the sincerity in her words—it all melted the tension that had been sitting in your chest. You pulled her closer, wrapping your arms around her in a tight hug, feeling the softness of her hoodie against your skin.

“I hate fighting with you, Leah,” you said softly, your voice muffled by her shoulder. “I don’t want to argue like that again.”

Leah hugged you tighter, her fingers gently stroking your back. “Me neither,” she replied, her voice filled with emotion. “But we’ll figure it out. We always do. And I promise, I’ll work on listening better, being more patient.” She pulled back slightly, looking you in the eye. “I just want to be with you. And I want to keep making us work.”

A small smile tugged at your lips, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. “I want that too.”

Leah’s smile softened, her eyes twinkling with that warmth you had come to love. She placed a soft kiss on your lips, lingering for a moment as if to reassure both of you that everything would be okay.

“I love you,” Leah said quietly, resting her forehead against yours.

You closed your eyes, the words coming easily now. “I love you too.”

You stood there for a while, just holding each other. The bouquet of flowers had been forgotten, left gently on the table, and everything felt right again. The fight, the misunderstandings—it all seemed so small now.

Finally, Leah broke the silence with a light laugh. “I’m glad you like the flowers. I was afraid I’d mess that part up.”

You laughed too, pulling away just enough to look at her. “I love them. They’re perfect.”

Leah smiled softly. “Good,” she said, taking your hand in hers. “And next time... let’s just talk things out before we get to the yelling part?”

You nodded, feeling the weight of the argument lifting off your shoulders. “Deal.”

As you closed the door behind you both and went to sit on the couch, Leah rested her head on your shoulder. Everything felt right again.

[dedeinthewild]

Omd please if you could do a story where arvids girl is teasing him abt being more boyfriendy with pepe bcos they're in the 'honeymoon" phase and she gets jealous

soo, I'm really sorry 'cause it isn't exactly what you requested but I had an idea with Pepe and I wrote it down. Let me know if you like it anyways, or I will make one just like you wanted it!

pepe martí x reader, established relationship

~ "that's a terrible one"

Pepe was determined, kind, and so intelligent that he could make anyone smile just by meeting him.

But above all, he was dedicated.

He was deeply grateful for his journey in motorsport and always trusted the Red Bull driver academy and his team, despite the terrible luck that had made his season challenging.

With the two-month break from Formula 2, and his girlfriend busy with school, lessons, and studying, he had plenty of time to reconnect with the junior categories and work alongside the academy’s new entries.

Among them was the incredible Formula 3 rookie, Arvid Lindblad, who had left everyone in awe and was set to join Campos in the 2025 season.

In the preceding weeks, the Spaniard had traveled to Barcelona to watch the Eurocup3 and Spanish Formula 4 race weekends, reconnecting with his roots. Then, at the team’s request, he and Arvid attended the final MotoGP race, surprising everyone with their instant chemistry before even racing together.

On one side was the tall, polite, composed Spaniard who listened and responded with a smile. On the other was the whirlwind of words that was the British rookie, dressed in oversized trendy outfits, bringing a fresh vibe to Campos.

They had spent a lot of time together, laughing and creating content around the circuit, perfectly delivering what the team wanted while giving fans exactly what they loved.

A week later, Gaby and Christian had decided to organize a weekend in London with Pepe and his girlfriend.

“He’s got Arvid now; he won’t even look at me” his girlfriend joked to the British woman walking beside her, loud enough for Pepe to hear from ahead where he was walking with Christian.

“Sorry?” the Spaniard turned around, hands buried deep in the pockets of his blue jacket.

“I said you don’t even look at me anymore. You’ve got Arvid now.”

“He’s been cheating on me, and you didn’t care to tell me?” Christian chimed in, clutching his chest dramatically as they strolled through St. James’ Park.

Everyone burst out laughing while Pepe’s girlfriend tucked her hands into her scarf, hiding her nose and cheeks, which were slowly turning red from the cold.

“I’m sorry for cheating; Gaby will treat you right” Pepe teased Christian, pretending to steal his girlfriend while Christian clung to his own.

Pepe’s girlfriend, a petite five-foot-something figure walking beside him, smiled. Her hair was tucked into her scarf, and she breathed in the air of a London she loved.

“Are you cold?” Pepe asked, taking her hand and slipping it into the pocket of his Red Bull jacket, his thumb stroking her knuckles.

“I’m always cold, Pepe” she replied, knowing full well that her constant chilliness was something he always took care of.

Pepe and Christian had a strong bond, and seeing them together was a joy. So, when the F3 driver invited them for the weekend, they had packed their bags immediately. Spending time with Christian and Gaby also brought the two women closer, as they, like their boyfriends, perfectly complemented each other, creating a fun and close-knit group.

They loved teasing and joking with each other, and this was the perfect moment to poke fun at Pepe. His girlfriend seized the opportunity without hesitation.

“And what do you mean about Arvid?” Pepe asked, glancing down at her as they walked along the little path that ducks shared with their ducklings.

“He’s all you’ve been thinking about for the past month. Don’t even get me started on those videos.”

Pepe chuckled, raising his eyebrows as if to ask if she was serious. She, however, maintained an honest expression.

“Are you saying that for real?”

“I mean, you’re really boyfriendy with him.”

“And I guess you’re implying that I’m not with you.”

Her head tilted back slightly, the wind brushing her cheeks as she gave him a playful smile. She was joking, and both of them knew it, but they were curious to see how far it would go.

“I mean, you spend a lot of time with him and look at him as if he were the love of your life.”

“And what should I say about you and Gaby?” he retorted, grinning. “You’re always going on your dates; I think she’s a pinned chat on your phone, and—”

She couldn’t help but laugh as Christian and Gaby lined up at a café while she and Pepe stopped, standing face-to-face.

This spot was one of her favorites in London, where she loved walking with a hot chocolate in hand, headphones in, and music blasting.

“I should remind you that it’s only because you’re in your honeymoon phase with Arvid. You’ll see the bad sides later.”

Pepe took her other hand, slipping it into his jacket pocket to warm it with his, moving closer with that sweet look he always wore.

“I have to say, it’s a great honeymoon nonetheless.”

She bit her cheek to keep a straight face, though her playful expression was giving her away.

“And what do you mean by bad sides?” he asked, curious. “Are there bad sides to being with me?”

“Many, many for sure.”

Pepe leaned down slightly, wrapping her completely in his arms and burying her face in his blue Red Bull jacket.

“List them, then,” he teased.

“You’re too nice, and everyone loves you.”

She placed her hands on his shoulders, hugging him back, as Christian and Gaby returned with steaming cups of tea.

“That’s a terrible one" joked the Campos driver, kissing her forehead before handing her the cup Christian had given him.

As they strolled down The Mall, the four chatted, surrounded by a slightly windy but not too damp London, kissed by timid sunshine.

The scent of falling leaves mixed with the sweetness of candied almonds from nearby stands, while some passersby asked for directions, and others watched them laugh and enjoy their time together.

“Pepe and I decided something” his girlfriend suddenly announced, grabbing the attention of Christian and Gaby while Pepe played along.

“We’re splitting up but staying good friends,” she said seriously.

At that moment, the world seemed to crumble for the Australian and the Brit, whose jaws dropped as they stared at Pepe to figure out if it was a joke or the truth.

“We realized we have some differences that the other doesn’t enjoy, unlike with other people, so it’s better this way.”

“What do you mean?” Christian asked, his eyes wide in shock.

“We’ve had some flings” she replied casually.

Gaby, convinced that if those two broke up, she’d never believe in love again, couldn’t process it. Pepe and his girlfriend were the perfect match—two people who effortlessly connected in ways she’d never seen before.

“No, you haven’t” Gaby declared, shaking her head.

Pepe and his girlfriend smiled, struggling to keep the joke going, even though their friends’ sad, confused faces made them feel a bit guilty.

“With who?” Christian asked, earning a gentle smack on the hand from Gaby, who thought it wasn’t the time for such questions.

“Your girlfriend” they replied in unison.

The Australian furrowed his brow, confused.

“Both of you? Pepe?” He was at a loss for words.

“No, stop this nonsense; it’s not funny” he said, visibly upset.

At that moment, Pepe and his girlfriend burst into laughter, exchanging looks as if they had just pulled off the joke of the decade while walking ahead of the group.

“You assholes!” Christian exclaimed, exasperated.

“You actually believed it?” Gaby asked, holding onto Christian’s arm, relieved to see them laugh it off.

“As if you didn’t” Pepe retorted.

That evening, after a lovely dinner at a restaurant near Chinatown, they all headed back to their hotel, trying to teach Pepe how to navigate the Tube using a rule his girlfriend had devised.

“If you miss a train or anything, just get off at the first stop and wait there. We’ll come find you.”

“I’m not a child,” the Spaniard protested, sitting on one of the Piccadilly Line trains with his arms crossed, playfully nudging his girlfriend’s feet as she studied the map.

“I’m quite positive you are” she replied with a smile, focused on the intricate map, unaware that Pepe had taken out his phone and snapped a picture of her.

Later, once they were in their room, changed into their pajamas, and cuddled in bed watching a movie, Pepe sent her the photo.

As she opened the message, he began to speak.

“Honeymoon or not, you’re the only thing about me without bad sides” he said.

She smiled, her eyes soft and warm.

“And I love you like I love yapping about nerdy facts.”

“I think that’s the most thoughtful way you’ve told me you love me.”

Pepe leaned his head back against his hands.

“Still, maybe you’re right. I’m rather boyfriendy with Arvid.”

“Be careful, I’m a little jealous of you,” she said, giving him a quick kiss where his ear met his jawline.

“You said it—everyone loves me,” he joked, wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her closer, breathing in her scent and feeling as though, even fifty years from now, they would still be just like this.

Because, as Gaby thought, if those two ever broke up, no one would believe in love anymore.

Beyond all the jokes and teasing, Pepe and that girl had found each other through some stroke of fate, and they were never meant to let each other go.

~ not proofread or anything so there might be a few errors, I hope you all like it 🍀

(please find me a pepe, thanks)

[lovevxle]

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

"I hope it's okay if I love you forever"

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

Adam x f!reader

cw: cursing, Adam being Adam, kissing, smut.

Summary: Adam asking reader out and getting a bit freaky afterrr

This is the smut version! Fluff version linked here (smut starts after paragraph 7)

a/n: sorry if this version took a bit long to be released! I've been busy with other projects and some requests. Hope you guys enjoy!

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆

"Aw Lute, I'm gonna fuck this up so bad!" Adam said as he paced back and fourth in his office. "Sir, it's really not that big of a deal. You're only asking her out-" Lute replied before being cut off "Not that big of a deal?! What if the bitch rejects me!? What if..." Adam panicked. He'd been planning on asking you out for months, he just didn't know how..

At first, he was his usual confident, cocky self but as soon as he looked at you, his mind blanked. Since then, he'd been trying to find the perfect moment just to ask you. "God, Lute...whenever I look at her..." Adam smiles as he speaks about you, "Her pretty face...her smile...even her voice is just..fuck, her hot ass voice is-" Lute cuts him off "I get it sir, you love her." "Y-yeah...I love her...a lot..but how the hell do I show it without saying stupid shit and being a fuckin' dick?"

Lute sighs and rolls her eyes "Just...be yourself but completely different, y'know? Girls like that type of thing." Adam inhales and exhales "Promise? What if I fuck the whole thing up?" He says, only slightly panicked now. "You wont. Well, you most likely will, but she wont reject you." Lute chuckles as she smiles for the first time in a while. She quickly goes back to her serious self and shoos Adam away to talk to you. "Now get outta here already!"

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ time skip ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

Adam composed himself in the mirror, practicing what he was gonna say to you. "sooo...Y/n heh...you're pretty hot so- AW FUCK HOW IN HELL DO I DO THIS?!" he says to the mirror. He soon after walks out of his appartment and spots you walking through heaven. He rushes down to you.

When you see him, you immediately fix your clothes and hair, making sure to look extra cute for him. He appears behind you a few seconds later, acting 'cool' "Sup, buttercup~" he says, smirking seductively (or atleast what he thinks will be seductive to you), when in reality he's panicking. He makes a 'cool' pose, leaning against the wall.

"So~...you know how much i love that peice of ass and i also love railing that peice of ass...but...that's not why I'm here," Adam explains "look, you're cute and funny and..fuck..it's the first way I've felt like this since..Lilith.." He begins to blush and breath faster. "god...just-" he's cut off my your lips pressing against his. It was a light peck, but of course it still made his face heat up. He cups your cheeks (FACE 💀) and pulls away, smiling.

"So you were gonna ask me out?" you ask while you chuckle. "Y-yeah...I was..I'm taking that kiss as a yes?" he replies as he rubs the back of his neck, anxiously. "Yeah, I'll go out with you, dummy." Adam turns around and fist pumps the air "FUCK YEAH!" he yells, causing a few people to turn around and stare. "So I'll pick you up at 8?" He says as he goes back to his 'cool' pose against the wall. "Eh, right now works too."

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ time skip ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

You guys had just come home from the date (drunk of course) and stumbled into his appartment. You feel Adam's arms wrap around your waist and rub circles on your hips with his thumbs. "You know how crazy you make me, sugartits~" he whispers in your ear, flicking your earlobe with his tongue.

"A-Adam-" you get cut off by his hands slipping into your pants, playing with the waistband of your underwear. "You fucking tease..." you reply to his dirty moves. "C'mon..want me to make those pretty insides of yours feel real fuckin' good?" he whispers into your ear as he picks you up and plops you down on the bed, crawling over you.

You nod. I mean, with those soothing whispers and playful hands, who could say no? He begins to strip off both his and your clothes, making it agonizingly slow. He kisses and licks up your inner thighs, teasing you until you can't take it. "Are you wet for me yet, babe?" All you could do was nod because of the lack of words that would leave your mouth.

He slowly slips down your soaked underwear to reveal your aching pussy. He slides down his own pants and cups the bulge forming through his boxers. "Look at how hard you make me, baby~" He spreads your legs and sticks his pointer and middle finger inside you. The thumb on his free hand circles your clit as he pumps his fingers in and out of you.

Your moans get louder as his hands pick up the pace inside you. He then slowly slides his hands out, fingers dripping and oozing with your juices. He uses his hands to hold your folds open as he sucks your insides.

After a few minutes of Adam eating you out, he finally lets you feel his hard, raw cock inside of you. "All for you, sugartits~" he says as he thrusts in and out. He holds your hips in place and a knot in your stomach begins to build. "A-Adam I-...I-I'm close- Fuck!" you moan out. "That's it baby~ Just let it out, cum all over me~" he says as he thrusts one more time and-

The knot snaps.

You reach your limit and cum all over Adam's cock. "A-Aghh~!!" You moan out uncontrollably. "Just like that baby, fuck, you're so beautifly perfect.." After your climax, you plop down next to Adam and breath heavily. "God, you're so hot." he says as he wraps his arms around you. "I love you..." you reply.

"Same." he chuckles as he kisses the top of your head.

『~☆Masterlist☆~』

[hyukalyptus]

txt proposal headcanons!

cw. gn!reader, slightly smutty in yj's but every other one is fluffy and sfw, mention of hiking and food in beomgyu's, reader is a pianist in kai's, kissing, "i love you". notes. 2 fics in 2 days from hp???? OMG!! just wanted to do something quick and fun.

yeonjun - it's early on a sunday. he woke up way too early but could not get back to sleep and instead got started on making sure everything was absolutely perfect. his rubs your upper arm to wake you gently. ur blurry vision clears up to be welcomed by the sight of his pretty makeup-free face. but looking around, the room's full of candles and rose petals. and he says, "good morning, my love." he takes your hands, takes a deep breath and says, "you are so beautiful." tears prick his eyes but you still have no idea what's going on. "you're everything i've ever wanted. you're perfect." then he pulls out a black ring box and you gasp, covering your mouth. "jjun, are you—" "will you marry me?" after an obvious yes and lots of tears, you can't think of any other way to express your love for each apart from making incredible, passionate love. hands all over bodies. shared breath between each other.

soobin - rents a room at a museum for the night and creates his own little exhibit of all the pictures you've taken together over the years. as you walk in the room and take a look around, you can't help but let tears flow down your cheeks. pictures of the first six months of ur relationship all shy and still awkward, then photos of trips you took together, anniversaries, every moment he insisted on capturing. and ur so thankful he did. you're taking everything in—your favorite song playing over a room full of your favorite pictures—and then you turn around to see soobin on one knee, holding out a ring. before he can even speak, u drop to ur knees, wrapping ur arms around his neck, whispering "yes, yes, yes" and "i love you, i love you, i love you." he giggles, "i haven't even asked yet!" you laugh, resting back on ur knees, holding his free hand with both of yours. and finally, a simple, "will you marry me?"

beomgyu - packs a picnic and makes you hike up a mountain in the middle of the night. usually, he'd be groaning and grumpy all the way up but this time, it's you. "gyu...why are we even hiking at 1am?" and he keeps smugly saying, "you'll see!" but you just assume he's being annoying and messing with you. when you get to the top and look up at the gorgeous stars in the sky, you gasp and look over at him, looking back at you like i told you so. you go in for a hug and "i'm sorry i whined the whole time....." and y'all can't stop giggling. spreading out a blanket, you snuggle into each other, staring up at the sky. right as a shooting star goes by, he watches ur face, thinking ur so much prettier. he whispers his proposal and you think ur dreaming. but you simply turn ur head and say, "of course i'll marry you."

taehyun - takes you to a gorgeous, gorgeous garden, pergolas dripping in vines and florals. a tiny waterfall nearby. he didn't make a big deal about it that day. just asked to take you somewhere pretty. he did make sure to get your favorite drink and snacks. and you spend so much time walking around, being clingy, holding hands, kissing. he's so complimentary the whole time, but you don't think much of it. that's how he always is, to be fair. finally, he brings you to the most secluded corner of the garden. and he gives the sweetest speech you've ever heard. about how much he loves you, how he knew you were the one the moment he met you, how much you mean to him, how he wants to grow old with you. then, he pulls out a stunning ring and asks you to marry him.

hueningkai - both of you are musicians and it's common for you to be each other's page turners when practicing piano. one of you sits in a chair near the piano bench, following along with the music and turning the pages when it's time. and today, he asks you to do just that. but today's special. he wrote a song for you. "will you turn the pages for me please?' he asks sweetly, kissing your cheek. you listen intently, being sure to keep up with the notes while appreciating the gorgeous song for what it is. a few pages in, you flip a page and written in his messy handwriting, it says, "will you marry me?" it takes a second to process, but once you do, you're giggling, wrapping ur arms around him, kissing his cheek, saying "yes, yes! ohmygosh, yes!!"

[nausikaaa]

Six Sentence Books Sunday

hello y'all! i've been having a busy week, trying to get all my christmas shopping done before December even begins, because otherwise i know the entire month will escape me and i'll wind up realising i've missed someone on christmas eve. despite my efforts, i still haven't got anything for my dad- usually he's the easy one to buy for, but this year i'm just stumped.

i'm also putting my billy goat Hadrian out with the girls (Juno, Daisy, Lucy and Mina) in just under a week, but Daisy was getting pushed around and picked on, so i separated her last week so she can put on a little weight and relax beforehand, because if she's stressed, she may not come into season. then it snowed. goats are herd animals, they prefer to have company, so i made sure she could see the others through the fence, but it turns out she is absolutely loving having her warm little hut to herself while the others all share the big shed, while Hadrian has a corner of the hay shed to himself, with wickets keeping him from the hay.

flattering photos of the handsome chap and damsel in distress before the snow hit:

sorry for the ramble. anyway! writing! well... i haven't been doing much lately, to be honest. when i'm in a writing slump, i like to read instead, and i view it as putting words in my brain so that it can make it's own words. it also helps me pick out things i do and don't want to emulate in my own writing. so instead of sentences, here are six books I read this year which i took something from:

We Solve Murders by Richard Osman, from which I am taking that it's okay to just use "said" instead of using a billion synonyms, as it blends in to the background and allows the story to flow more naturally. unless the way something is said is really relevant, it's better to show a character's feelings another way.

American Hippo by Sarah Gailey, which has such easy to follow yet engaging action and fight scenes, which I aspire to.

Home Fire by Kamila Shamsie, which had me sobbing inconsolably at the end. if a book prompts a physical reaction in me, that's an instant 5 stars. it's based on the ancient greek play Antigone, and though you don't need to know the play to enjoy the book, it really does deal an additional sucker punch to know how that story ends and yet hope so desperately the whole time: maybe it will turn out okay this time? a masterclass of foreshadowing and implication, somebody can literally die and it go unsaid, but you will know and it will destroy you.

Alcestis by Katherine Beutner. I hated this book. Plot? I barely know her. Consent? What's that? Resolution? Nah, pass. I learned what not to do from this garbage.

Percy Jackson: Wrath Of The Triple Goddess by Rick Riordan. I actually read both of the new pjo books that came out this year and honestly, they've shown me that sometimes a book can just be fun. There's no world ending drama, but still emotional moments and tension, and the whole story takes place over a matter of days. It doesn't have to be perfect, it can just be a good time.

The Amber Fury by Natalie Haynes. As somebody who writes a lot about grief, this book really helped with that by depicting it in such a raw and honest way, allowing the audience to connect with it even if they've never experienced the kind of loss the main character has. I do draw on my own experiences, but this helped me put it into words. It also shows how healing is always possible, no matter how severe the grief, so long as you have the right support system, something I am still muddling through.

an invitation to share some sentences or some books: @forabeatofadrum @cutestkilla @run-for-chamo-miles @roomwithanopenfire @prettygoododds @bookish-bogwitch @ic3-que3n @blackberrysummerblog @j-nipper-95 @youarenevertooold @larkral @that-disabled-princess @orange-peony @aristocratic-otter @thewholelemon @alexalexinii @confused-bi-queer @shrekgogurt @comesitintheclover @raenestee @hushed-chorus @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @noblecorgi @shemakesmeforget @ileadacharmedlife @supercutedinosaurs @artsyunderstudy @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 and @ninemagicks

[th4saapobangpo]

Hiya!

I want to request a quickie with jungkook in the changing room. Maybe his girl is trying few bikinis for their vacation but jungkook just can't keep his hand off of his girl

heyy, I'M SO SORRY that it took me this long.. I'd recomend to read my statement about my situation in the last few months but I'M BETTER KNOW AND HAVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO RELEASE SOME MORE WORKS!!^^ I hope you enjoy it, request more if you want to <3

-Angel 🪽

~STICKY~ // JK X READER

MINORS DNI!! // wordcount: 603 //♜

,,Do you think this pink one looks good on me?’’ You asked while Jungkook’s eyes linger on your beautiful self. As if zoned out, he just stares and stares until you finally break his trance by poking his cheek softly.

,,Earth to lover boy, are you still there?’’ , a playful scuff escapes his mouth while his arms sneakily slither around your waist, pulling you onto his chest. Still dressed in the pink bikini you plan to buy for your upcoming vacation to Bali

,,You look perfect, baby, but you're even more of a sight for sore eyes without it on.’’ The statement makes you blush. Even your pretty little clit twitches at your boyfriend's flirtatious ways you squirm in his grasp, all hot and bothered from the way he acts even more so in public, earning an arched brow and unnecessarily playful grin from your dear Jungkookie.

,,Look at who's all blushy all over sudden. Couldn't be my bubbly girl, right? Do you know how much I'm craving to be in you right now? You have no idea, sweetheart?’’ those lustful eyes staring right at you make you want to pounce at the man standing tall above your frame. And with that you suddenly tug at your bikini top, looking up at your boyfriend with innocent doll eyes.

 ,,Oh? does big Ol’ Jungkookie desperately need to take his girlfriend in a Victoria's Secret changing room?’’, you pout a little, finally noticing the growing bulge in his pants, palming it carefully while still maintaining eye contact and pulling the bikini top off. You see how hard he's trying not to just manhandle you and rip the bottom of the matching set off too. You suddenly bend down with both your thumbs in your bikini bottom, sliding it down so your bare ass is pressed right against his boner. Oh, you imagine his cock standing proud against his abdomen with the tip all flushed red and angry, spilling precum all over itself.

 ,,Fuck, you're dripping all over yourself, baby. You sure that I'm the one who desperately needs to get laid?’’ He comments while spreading your cheeks, exposing your pink little pussy waiting to get pounded into. The sarcastic words leaving his mouth make you whine in a high-pitched tone, arching your back to make his fingers at least touch your clit.

 ,,Let’s have a quickie right here, right now.’’ He suggests and who are you to say no to that? He immediately rips his trousers with the Calvin Klein underwear down. He was just as hard as you imagined him to be. It looked so flushed and hot. Rubbing it against your slit, he started teasing you.

,,He’s being such a meanie’’, you thought to yourself. When he finally pushed it in, you struggled to muffle your moans and whimpers, not wishing to get caught during this intimate moment.

,,N-not so fast, p-please, but the aggressive sounds of skin slapping against each other still filled the changing room.  

,,O-oh please s-slow down. I-I don't know how much more I'll be a-able to t-take ~nghh’’ You whimpered, knees buckling, threatening to collapse, while he's pounding into your heat. He just chuckled, teasing you while chasing his release. But before you could even register it, you squirted all over the changing room floor, making a mess of the bikini laying by your ankles.

,,~Hmm, I guess we'll have to explain the mess you made, babygirl.’’ He nozzles the tip of his nose into the crook of your neck and lets out a content grumble.

,,How are we going to get out of this one…?’’

-------------------------------------------------------

I hope you liked it <3 LOVE YA'LL

[seventh-district]

Could've left me just the way you found me, but you came and put your wings around me. You went out of your way, to fix what you didn't break.

This song is so incredibly Sam & Darlin' coded and no one can tell me otherwise.

[lots of lyrical analysis below the cut] [there's also a short little fanfic blurb of them stargazing down there too (this post got really out of hand lmao)]

For those not fully caught up, note that the following commentary contains various spoilers for Sam and Darlin's stories.

Note: Unfortunately this song is gendered, using the word 'girl' several times. Which sucks a little bit for immersion purposes, not only for keeping Darlin' gender-neutral, but also because I see this song as a duet between them, and Darlin' obviously wouldn't be addressing Sam with the word 'girl' either. So! As with most songs on their playlist, we're just gonna mentally omit any gendered terms we come across.

Side note: Frustratingly, this is one of those songs that didn't really even need to gender the subject in the first place. No part of the story or message is lost without it. But alas, many songs are like that, and so the playlist-makers of the world shall continue to suffer. [/lh]

Anyways, preamble's over. It's lyric time now yay!

Sam's Part

I was a ten-year train wreck

Technically for Sam I suppose it was 13 years, but ten is close enough (and 'ten' admittedly flows a lot better in the rhythm of the song than 'thirteen' would.) Anyways, we're not here to split hairs, (I have to remind myself), we're just here to point out similarities.

In Sam's Dec. '22 HBW, he says "For the last 13 years or so I haven't had to care too much about how I look. Seemed a little redundant after turnin', considerin' I didn't wanna be around much'a anybody anyway."

I think he's mentioned or alluded to that roughly 13 year period of time more than once, but that's the one I remember best so it's the example I'm using. There's still about 4 Sam audios I've yet to listen to as of making this post, so if I'm missing some Key Lore I'll edit this later. But for now, I don't think Sam has given many specifics on exactly how bad things got during that time. Luckily, 'train wreck' is a pretty broad and subjective term, so it easily covers any degree to which he may have fallen apart during those years.

It also feels like a very 'him' way of quickly brushing over the details of his past/his hurt, as he seems to tend to do with Darlin', (not all the time ofc but it's still something I've noticed) putting his own hurt on the backburner to prioritize and attend to theirs. Even outside of his dynamic with them, I think as a healer, it's something he learned to do. And now he does it with everyone. Put on a brave face, compartmentalize things and unpack them later, etc. I could go on and on but there'll be time for that in other posts I'm sure. For now, lets get back to the song at hand.

With a last-call longneck

Due to personal reasons, I've yet to decide if I want to HC him as having used alcohol as a coping mechanism during that time. I don't recall him having mentioned alcohol much, if at all, (maybe one mention of whiskey that I don't have time to find right now) so I don't think it's necessarily canon that he did, but it's certainly possible. My personal preferences aside, I'll admit it makes for some good additional angst. (And- self-indulgently- it makes some other songs on my playlist for them more fitting.) So, for the sake of this song, let's imagine that he did.

I was searchin', I'd been hurt real bad

This one feels pretty self-explanatory given what Alexis did, (and, if you wanna get even angstier with it, whatever his family did earlier on in his life) so there isn't much commentary to add on my end.

I HC that in spite of 'not wanting to be around anybody', he- like Darlin- still had a tiny part of himself buried deep down that was, in a way, 'searching' for someone to find solace in. (No this isn't me projecting onto them both haha what are you talking about-)

Movin' on, gettin' sidetracked One step forward and five back

This is generally applicable enough that I don't feel the need to give too much of a specific example. Anyone who's recovered or is recovering from trauma knows this non-linear, back-and-forth struggle well already, and I'm sure he was no stranger to it.

If I were to give some examples though, I could point to Darlin's (and subsequently, Sam's) encounter with Alexis at the summit, or the shit that Quinn dredged up about Fredrick and threw at Sam in the interrogation room. Those are both more recent examples and I imagine these lines of the song to be coming from a place of him prior to meeting Darlin', but still, they're some instances where I'm sure he felt like the past was pulling him back in. I'm sure that there's been many throughout those 13 years that we were never witness to.

Not your fault, I was scared to fall

This line reminds me of their 'Cuddles and Confessions' audio. I don't think he ever explicitly said he was 'scared' per se, so afaik there's no specific line I can quote, but in that and every audio prior, he was obviously hesitant to admit, perhaps even to himself, that he was gradually falling for them. Even after the initial confession, there's certain limits of his (e.g. biting) that he carries for far longer, and some that I (and others) HC that he'll carry forever. So this line feels to me like him reassuring Darlin' that his reluctance isn't the fault of them, but his past.

Darlin's Part

You were the star in the pitch black Shine the way on the way back

We don't have any canon instances of them comparing Sam to a star, but I can see it being something they'd say (perhaps less poetically, but the sentiment would be there) one night while laying up on their roof watching the stars with him. Maybe they're dead-tired, talking nonsense with lidded eyes at the end of a long day, fighting sleep in favor of more time spent with him.

"What- what're you pointin' at Darlin'?"

Their hazy focus is trained on the brightest star visible in their line of sight, arm stretched out to the sky above them. "That really bright one, to the... to the left."

Sam does his best to follow their less-than-specific directions of 'to the left', their pointed finger doing little to help given the difference in perspective. Luckily, after all these years, he knows this stretch of night sky like the back of his hand, so it isn't hard to locate the brightest one. Ghosting his fingers up along their arm, he takes their hand in his and brings it back down to earth. "Okay, yeah, I see it now. What about it though?"

"That's you." They say, matter-of-factly.

"That's me?" He questions, humor in his tone.

"Mhm." They nod with finality, blinking slow.

Sam considers the odd statement for a moment before gently correcting them. "I'm uh, I'm pretty sure that's Sirius, actually."

They scoff. "I am being serious."

Sam stifles a laugh into their hair. "No- no I mean- like... what's another name for it... Oh! It's also called the Dog Star."

"C'mon Sam, at least call it the Wolf Star if you're trying to turn this around on me..."

He shakes his head and readies himself to explain further, but they cut him off before he can start. "But no- no, this one isn't about me. That's you."

He decides to play along, finding something endearing in their overtired nonsense. "Okay... then would'ja be so kind as to explain to this confused old man just how, or why that star is me?"

Their frown is audible in their voice as they latch onto the wrong part of his sentence. "You're not old, Sam. ...Do I need to tell Asher to kick the jokes down a notch?"

He smiles at their over-protectivity. "There'll be no need for that, now. Was just a joke, darlin', I promise."

They huff, but thankfully shift focus back to the prior topic. "It's... I dunno. It's just you, Sam. It's... bright. Light. Something warm, out there in the cold dark. Standing out amongst all the rest. Calling to me, stealing my attention. I... I didn't come out here looking for it, but there it is. ...There you were. In the dark. The only bright thing I'd seen in... fuck, in years. Years of chasing fleeting warmth, tripping over myself in the pitch black, falling into... places 'n people I shouldn't have. You were the light in that darkness. Even there, surrounded by the ghost of him. You outshone it. Your warmth didn't hurt. I didn't have to squint when I looked at you. You weren't the blinding sun. You were the brightest star I'd ever seen. You guided me back home."

In the back of their mind, they recall something they once heard, something about light, and time, and distance. Space. Something about... how you can see a star that's already burnt out, because it's light hasn't reached earth yet. The ghost of a star that's already died. Only still perceptible thanks to time, and distance.

They remember Sam's words, once whispered to them on this very roof.

"Whatever your choice is... I'm not gonna live forever. I made that decision a long time ago."

They think about dead stars.

They think about time.

"...-lin'? Darlin'?" Sam's calloused hand slides up their forearm, pulling them out of their thoughts. "There you are. Think I lost ya' for a minute there... you good?"

They look up at Sam, concern creasing his features, shadows cast across his face from the light of the dying stars above him.

They reach out, pulling him down into them. Burying their face into his collar, Sam's concern grows when he feels it saturate with tears. A human might struggle to hear their words, muffled against the thick fabric, but his hearing catches it just fine.

"Don't burn out too quick. Please. I still need you here. I don't- I don't wanna be left in the dark again. Please, please Sam. Don't leave me here. I'm not selfish enough to ask you for forever, but please. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet."

.......Whoopsies! Really, genuinely didn't mean to improv an entire scene there, good god. Also didn't mean to swerve hard into angst at the end but uh. that's what came out! so I'm rolling with it lmao. Aaanyways let's move on, it's getting late and this is a song analysis post, not a fic.

Out of nowhere, answered all my prayers

'Out of nowhere' reminds me of Sam's words from the same HBW video I referenced earlier. "You came into my life like a damn wreckin' ball. There was no preparing for that, clothing or otherwise." While those were Sam's words, not Darlin's, I still feel like they feel similarly to how suddenly Sam came into their life as well. (Not in a bad way, mind you!)

[the significance of 'answered all my prayers' edges into my own personal more headcanon-y/personal/OC-ified Darlin' territory, so we can just gloss over this one for the sake of at least attempting to keep this more universally applicable]

Picked up the towel that I threw in Took in a heart that was ruined

Again, largely self-explanatory I feel. (*proceeds to explain anyways*) I imagine that Darlin' was at the point of throwing in the towel, hellbent on a solo-mission to find Quinn regardless of the danger it posed to them. I doubt they were looking toward the future anymore, (to reference Sam,) fully willing to throw themself at their problems until they really did break.

The specific use of 'ruined' hits hard here, because after everything they went through with Quinn, and especially after he recounted it all to Sam in that interrogation room, I imagine that they really, truly did feel ruined.

Showed me the past ain't a tattoo Loved me even when you didn't have to

These lines in particular make me sick with emotion every time I hear this song, because I feel like they hit the nail on the head for how Darlin' feels.

I'll be here citing various quotes all night that I feel showcase that sentiment, but we don't have time for that! So instead I'm just pointing to the entirety of 'Quinn's Aftermath' video, and leaving you with this single quote from it.

"Everything that he said reflects nothin' on you, and everything on him."

Equally Applicable Lines

And I don't know why Why you saw something in me, baby But you saw right through All the pain, and you came and saved me Yeah, I know you didn't leave me lonely Weren't the one that put the heartbreak on me Picked up the pieces It wasn't the mess that you made Could've left me just the way you found me But you came and put your wings around me You went out of your way To fix what you didn't break

Again, I think these lines are all pretty self-explanatory, and are just as accurate coming from either one of them. To me, at least, their entire dynamic is that they saved each other, in their own ways.

(But I will admit, the final verses about 'going out of your way to fix what you didn't break' are definitely conjuring up memories of Sam in the early days, literally going out of his way to visit and heal Darlin' after their fight with the two vamps. In general, his continued/repeated healing of them after they once again hurt themselves is the very literal definition of fixing what he didn't break.

But! While we may have more blatant examples of Sam being 'the fixer' so to speak, I think he'd argue that Darlin' has done plenty fixing of their own. Physical wounds aren't the only things that need healing, after all.)

-------

[shameless self-promo of my Sam & Darlin' playlist for those few of u interested enough to make it to the very end of this wall of text. if u liked this then u might like some of the other songs on there soooo maybe go check it out and maybe perhaps give it a follow so i can get a little serotonin boost or dopamine or whatever the chemical is that's released when Number Go Up. ...okay that's it i hope u enjoyed my fixation-induced ramblings! thank u and goodnight]

[savage-rhi]

Magenta 😟

[tigergendermoved2tigergender]

Remembering the toxic hellscape that was 2015-2019ish SU fandom and just how much hate the show got is really insane when you rewatch the show after it's been a while. Like the show is good what the hell were any of these people talking about

[deerest-deer]

thinking really hard about logging into my old tumblr acc after being gone for like a year and a half cause i stumbled upon a post that led me to my old mutuals and i teared up a lil </3 but also i feel so ashamed i left without saying a word to anyone aaaa

[icewindandboringhorror]

recent things

[arklay]

RESIDENT EVIL → DR. DIANA WESKER

"This is how a girl becomes holy: first she becomes empty." — Brynne Rebele-Henry, Prelude

[templates × & × — insp — playlist]

[dialux]

Hello! Hope you're having a good day!! Idk if u got my previous ask, but I just wanted to know if you're still doing director's cut and if you are then could you do one for 'i imagined a dark world where the stars clamor to be inside us' aka the feanor and findis fic? I've read it so many times its insane and I just love it so much!! I'd love to know your thoughts when u wrote it

In your findis fic, at the end, is my understanding that feanor ended up making horcruxes or something adjacent to horcruxes right?

Combining these two bc I'm pretty sure they're from the same person!

Literally this started because of the LOTR/ASOIAF crossover AU, where Sansa's dropped into ME and mistakes Boromir for her father: I hadn't read LOTR in AAAAAAAGES and so I hopped onto Tolkien Gateway to learn more about the timeline. My search essentially went Boromir -> Third Age -> Age -> First Age -> Feanor -> SILM.

I then started reading the Silm (keep in mind this is in covid-lockdown in 2020) and found myself so absolutely disinterested in the Valar that I skipped all of it to go to chapter 6 (THEE Feanor chapter), and found myself very confused. So I hopped back onto Tolkien Gateway and used their incredibly useful family trees to keep everyone straight in my head. As I'm doing all of this, I'm struck by the similarities between the Finwean kids and the Stark kids, especially Findis/Sansa-- but at this point all I'm thinking is eldest daughter eldest daughter, nothing else. I put Findis into the crossover fic anyway (still know nothing about her apart from the TG page!) and get on with the rest of the Silm.

And then I find out that there are a number of similarities between Sansa and Findis beyond simple birth order, including favoring their mother, presumably being pious, etc etc. I start reading PoME and HoME. I start building an idea of Findis in my own head from, like, four lines total in all this reading.

Annoyed at the lack of canon material, I go to ao3. This is April of 2020; after filtering for languages, I get about a 100 works. I scan a few, but don't find the character I'm looking for. This is mostly because I've wholesale made this character up myself. I scowl at myself and sulk for a few days. Then I start writing. I post the story in a month's time, and in the process I've gotten so many feelings about the Silm that, a full three years later, I still haven't managed to deal with any of them.

Re: the story itself!! I personally think of the Finweans as a little bit incomprehensible, as more mythologized even to their own family than any normal elf; I wanted to explore that idea in the story, particularly how it feels when one person becomes a myth, and how it feels to be left behind when that happens. Feanor does it first, of course, but Findis isn't far behind-- chapter 2 is all about Feanor leaving Findis (and everyone else in his family, through Findis' eyes), but chapter 3 is very purposely from everyone's perspective but Findis, so we can see how it feels for them when she's walked away.

And yes, Findis does in fact create a couple of horcruxes. So does Feanor. They're good horcruxes, though, ig? Don't need murder, are simply like the... laboratory equivalent of soul fission, and yet with some ephemeral connection to the og soul. Afaik the Valar didn't ask before hallowing the Silms as well, so! Not exactly great when imperfect people have parts of their souls hallowed!

[griseldabanks]

Had a facepalm moment earlier of discovering the brilliant fic you wrote for someone’s Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan prompt and hoping you’d write more, and then…several days later…realizing…PROMPTS. That’s how this works. Anyway, can’t believe I didn’t send you one earlier, but: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan for "I missed you”, if you’re up for it?

Let Me Count the Ways ask game

It had been a long, exhausting day, but Obi-Wan didn't feel tired in the least. Packing up all of his belongings (few as they were) and moving them across the Dune Sea would have been a tiring endeavor, even if he hadn't just come from a harrowing trip halfway across the galaxy. And then, of course, there was a new cave to find, preliminary preparations to be made before nightfall in order to make his new home habitable...but none of that mattered.

Wrapping his cloak around himself against the chill of the desert night, Obi-Wan sat on the shelf of rock where he'd placed his bedroll. He pulled his legs up onto the blanket, closed his eyes, and opened himself to the Force.

Warmth and light that had nothing to do with his small heating unit suffused him from the inside out. For a moment, he hesitated. Then he reached out tentatively and murmured, “Master Qui-Gon?”

“Obi-Wan.”

His eyes popped open, and there, sitting beside him on the rock as if he'd been there the whole time, was Qui-Gon. Translucent and tinged blue—like a hologram and yet not—Qui-Gon looked the same as he had the day he'd died. The same twinkle in his eyes, the same hint of humor lingering in the creases at the corners of his eyes, in the twitch of his beard, in the lilt of his voice....

“You're here,” was all Obi-Wan could think to say.

Qui-Gon nodded patiently. “So I am.”

“I missed you.” Unbidden, tears welled up in his eyes. “I missed you so much, Qui-Gon.”

Qui-Gon's eyebrows knitted together with a look of sympathy. “I know.”

If he'd been here physically, he would have reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. Now, he didn't move, but Obi-Wan felt a gentle ripple in the Force washing over him, warm and familiar. Obi-Wan closed his eyes to savor that feeling, something he hadn't experienced in so long.

How many times a day would Obi-Wan feel that presence brush against his, like the touch of a hand? Checking to see where the other was, reassurance in a moment of trouble, a brief reminder or admonishment that needed no words. As unique and unmistakable as a voice, as a fingerprint forever marked in his soul.

And yet, for some twenty-odd years, he hadn't felt Qui-Gon's presence even once.

When Obi-Wan opened his eyes, he felt like a boy again. Like that twelve-year-old boy who had just become a Padawan and wondered if he would ever truly please his Master.

“I needed you,” he whispered, the desperation in his own voice surprising him. “I called to you, again and again. Where were you?”

Qui-Gon's eyes were as kind as ever as he folded his arms inside the voluminous sleeves of his robe. “Tell me, Padawan: What happens to us when we die?”

Now he really did feel like a boy again. This was a question even the youngest of younglings could answer. “We become one with the Force.”

Qui-Gon nodded, as though that settled the matter.

It didn't take a genius to understand what Qui-Gon was getting at. The dead became one with the Force, and the Force was a Jedi's constant companion. In a way, Qui-Gon had never really left.

And yet, Obi-Wan still couldn't shake the feeling of abandonment. He dropped his gaze to his hands clasped in his lap. “There have been so many times I needed your guidance, Master,” he whispered. “And never, not once, did I hear your voice.”

“And were you listening?” Qui-Gon's voice was gentle, oh so gentle, but still it made shame swirl in Obi-Wan's gut.

Because he hadn't been listening. He had closed himself off from the Force for so long, terrified of being found out, of being hunted down, of unintentionally betraying Luke to those who would kill him in an instant. And if he didn't leave even the slightest crack open for the Force to seep through, that meant Qui-Gon couldn't reach him either.

He really was like a child. A child with his fingers in his ears, demanding to know why no one would talk to him.

A warm brush of the Force, like a consoling hand placed on his back. Qui-Gon didn't even have to say anything, because he had already said it a thousand times, in a thousand situations over the years they'd worked together. Accept the shame, then let it go. You are not your mistakes. Learn from them, and they will help you grow.

Taking a deep breath, Obi-Wan envisioned his lungs filling with stale air from the years he had languished here on Tatooine. The years he had let the burden of his guilt press down on his shoulders till he could hardly raise his head in the morning. Then he breathed out, imagining the guilt and shame floating out like wisps of smoke on the air.

Opening eyes he hadn't realized he'd closed, Obi-Wan turned to look at Qui-Gon again. “I called to you when I went to face Vader.”

Qui-Gon nodded, eyes warm with compassion. “I was there.”

“I needed you...so many times...here on Tatooine.”

“I was there.”

Qui-Gon's form wavered, and Obi-Wan blinked, letting tears trickle into his beard. “When...I went to confront Anakin...on Mustafar...when I-I thought that I had...that I had....”

All he could see was his master's eyes, full of sympathy and compassion, understanding and acceptance. “I was there, Obi-Wan.”

For a moment, he held Qui-Gon's gaze. Then he dropped his head into his hands and let the tears flow. “So...every time....”

“Always.”

“You saw...every time I've failed....”

“And every success.” Like a warm blanket, Qui-Gon's presence folded around him in an embrace he felt in the depths of his soul. “I am proud of you, Obi-Wan. You have become a greater man and a greater Jedi than I ever could have foreseen.”

The heat of the twin suns seemed lodged permanently in Obi-Wan's chest. “Only because of your guidance, Master.”

They smiled at each other, and even though they looked nothing like they had when Obi-Wan had been an apprentice, the connection between them was as strong as ever.

[daz4i]

suicide and general negativity ig

i hate that english doesn't have a good word for מיואש (filled with despair. hopeless? ig) bc this is how i'm feeling fr

there is just. nothing good. and there is so much bad - both BAD bad bc of the war but also mundane bad bc yknow, Life - that i'm getting so overwhelmed i can't handle anything

my whole month is filled with medical shit and there's probably gonna be even more bc i need more tests and they're all just. such a pain to do (it sounds whiny but genuinely i can't handle them. just thinking abt them makes me so anxious bc they all require lots of painful preparation, sometimes for a few days, and they're so gross and require being poked with needles which my medical trauma certainly isn't helping with. and even tho i did so many already they can't find shit and i'm so tired i'm so done with this body

and like. it'd be one thing if i wanted to live. if i wanted to make my life better or thought it was possible. but by now i know it's not and i know i won't so it just becomes infinitely harder. like if i compare life to being in prison, it feels like the warden decided to torture me just for fun to make it even worse

but there is nothing good there is nothing to look forward to bc everything is shit and nothing's worth it and i hate when ppl tell me to enjoy the little things bc there is nothing to enjoy about them either. i can't have most of them anyway. i wish i could. but this shitty ass body and fucked up brain won't let me

there is no future for me i know i'm never gonna amount to anything when i can't even do the most basic shit about being human, literally how am i gonna be able to fulfill my """"potential"""" when i can't even do stuff like eat or sleep normally. when i can't go outside. when i can't handle being around people. when my body crashes and burns after standing for a few minutes or walking for more than a couple hundred meters. what even IS there for me to achieve in such a state. the only win i can have is getting out of bed and it doesn't feel like a win because i don't. want. to live. i have fucking professionals, people getting paid to help me do at least some of these things, and i can't bring myself to even take the first step bc just thinking about it makes me clam up so bad i can't move or talk and everything starts hurting so much more

there's not even. mundane fun. or joy. bc no one i know has time or energy for that. bc that's just what being an adult is ig. not that there's much to do in order to have fun anyway. like i said nothing to look forward to everything is so shit and nothing actually brings me joy anyway and it's not like i can handle being around people enough to help with that

i was not meant to be alive i am not designed to exist and like at this point I'd assume my who knows how many near death experiences may have been the universe trying to correct the mistake that is my existence and for some reason not managing to pull through the final stretch

i'm so tired i'm so done with this i wish i could be killed in some certain quick way bc i can't. i can't handle any of this. this is too much

[gender-euphowrya]

old people really were raised on the idea that their descendants were just future caretakers for them and never fucking learned to think otherwise